(guns firing) (sirens wailing)
(tense orchestral music)
(guns firing)
- Fuck!
The gate.
Oh, fuck, we're cornered.
Get in the fuckin' truck.
(guns firing)
- Right, boys.
I think this is it!
- What do you mean, this is it?
How the fuck did this happen?
(tense music)
(grunting)
(phone ringing)
- Sergeant Spitter.
- [Man] What's up, Darcy?
I'm just confirming our deal.
You ready?
- Yeah, we're set for this shit to go down.
- [Man] All right, I'll text ya my guy's number.
Contact him in two days.
- Yup, got it.
(light acoustic guitar music)
(phone ringing)
- Oh, shit.
Who the fuck?
Hello?
- What's up, Outlaw?
- What's crackin', Darcy?
How's everything goin' over there in commiefornia.
- Oh yeah, we're good over here, buddy.
- Hey, you don't mind, like to eat tonight.
- You just ate an entire bag of Doritos.
- So, I'm on a diet.
It's called the fuck you and feed me diet.
I've already gained 20 pounds.
- Everything all right over there?
- Yeah.
Everything's good over here man, just,
trying to get some huntin' in before the season closes.
Gotta feed fat boy somehow.
- Yeah, I gotta deal for us, big money.
I'm gonna need you down at the shop tomorrow, two p.m.
You down?
- No shit?
All right, yeah, I'll be there.
- [Darcy] Roger.
I'll see ya then.
- You gonna try and tell me
there's no such thing as a fifth meal?
You made up some major problems.
- There is no such thing as a fifth meal.
Literally fat people make it a thing
so they had an excuse to overeat.
(thudding)
- Son of a dick!
(tense rock music)
- [Jesse] Hey now.
- Bag on that fool, dude.
- T-bag him, dude, T-bag him.
- Spent.
(phone ringing)
Oh, hold on.
Yo, what up, Darcy?
Is there a reason your beautiful face is callin' us
while we're hard at work?
- Yo, Darcy, where you at, man?
Come over.
We're getting high as fuck.
- Baby.
- [Darcy] I have more important shit to do
than play games and get high all day
like you two fuckin' life wasters.
- Hey, it's a great career choice, bro.
- Tits, money.
- [Darcy] Listen, fucksticks.
I need you both to get off your asses
and come to the shop tomorrow, two p.m.
- Yeah, for sure dude, is everything okay?
- [Darcy] Everything is fine.
I just talked to Outlaw.
He'll be there, too.
- Oh, shit, sick dude.
- Cool, dude.
We'll see ya tomorrow.
(faint pop music)
- Big money.
Hey, hey!
- Hey, what's up guys?
- [Jesse] What are you doin', dude?
- I ain't seen y'all in a while.
- How you doin' man?
- So, you guys know what's goin' on?
- Ah, once he get off this conference call,
find out pretty quick.
- Yeah.
- Better hurry the fuck up, dude.
I'm hungry.
- 'Course he is.
- By the way, how's huntin' Bambi goin', asshole?
You're a real dirty human being, you know that?
- What the fuck is wrong with you, Jesse?
You take your medication today?
- Hey, my medication is my daily dose of cholesterol.
(chuckling)
I need to eat.
- Hey, this is gonna be the shit, whatever it is.
- Hey guys.
How you doin'.
- [Jesse] Hey, what's up?
- Darcy just got off the phone, and he's ready for you now.
- [Chris] Okay.
- Have fun on your trip.
- [Jesse] Trip?
- What kinda trip?
- Trip?
Darco!
- Hey!
- [Jesse] Hey, man!
- [Darcy] What's up, boys?
- How's it goin', dude?
'Sup, dude?
What's goin' on, man?
- 'Sup, man?
- [Outlaw] How you doin'?
- How was your flight?
Run into any weirdos beside Jesse?
(chuckling)
- It was all right, man.
So, tell us.
What's up with this deal you got?
- Well, I think this is our big break, boys.
I been in contact with some big league guys
about a huge shipment of tobacco.
Talking potentially millions every year.
Sell that shit on our website.
- So, these guys,
who do they distribute for?
- Well, they didn't give me any names,
which is fine by me,
especially for 150,000 cans of dip for only 100K.
- Dude!
That's like, 70 cents a can.
That's a shit ton of dip.
- Order it now, next delivery that shit.
They got drones now.
- It close enough for us to check it out today?
'Cause I wanna flog that shit.
- Well, that's the thing.
The dealer's in Kentucky and he definitely
won't ship it to us, least not the first time around.
So, we'll have to drive across the country,
pick that shit up.
Pretty simple plan, if you ask me.
Besides, what's the worse that can happen?
- Why do in the hell do we have to drive across the country?
- Yeah, why don't we just rent a truck?
Maybe a big yellow one.
(laughing)
- Well, I can't get a driver 'til next week
and this deal needs to go down in the next four days.
Second of all, you guys are my boys.
Lastly, I think we need to disconnect ourselves
from the negative bullshit goin' on in this world right now.
Plus, little R and R won't be so bad.
- What are we rolling in?
The truck?
- Nope, we're goin' in that thing out there.
- What?
Oh my God, dude.
You can't be serious.
That was a hobo's outhouse.
At least tell me it's stocked with snacks.
- No snacks.
- Where the fuck did you even get that thing?
- Hey man, don't bag on it 'til you ride it.
That thing runs like a champ.
- So, you're tellin' me we gotta pack our shit up,
leave everything behind,
drive halfway across the country
to some dude who doesn't even like names
and then pick up 150,000 cans of dip to sell for profit?
- And, no snacks.
- And no snacks.
I'm with it.
- I'm down.
- Oh damn, road trip?
- Let go of your cocks, pack your socks, boys.
We're goin' on a dip run.
("Renegade" by Outlaw feat. Demun Jones)
¶ Flyin' down a backroad feelin' like a renegade ¶
¶ Hee renegade uh woo ¶
¶ Can't stop won't stop 'til I get paid ¶
¶ 'T-t-til I, 'til I get paid ¶
¶ Flyin' down a backroad better get me water mode ¶
¶ Gimme water mode ¶
¶ Backwoods paid while these yuppies in the shade ¶
¶ Damn it feels good to be a Renegade ¶
¶ Long horse in the house mothertrucker ¶
¶ Don't need nobody else except your girl ¶
¶ I'll make her pucker ¶
¶ Everybody's on my back and copyin' my rebel ways ¶
¶ Brush 'em off like fire ants ¶
¶ Continue driftin' state to state ¶
¶ Oh you can't relate, well take this bait and wait ¶
¶ Sit up at the lake and fish ¶
¶ While I teach you 'bout these traits ¶
¶ Gonna blaze my own trail ¶
¶ I might end up in jail ¶
¶ Least I will be happy while these stubbies stayin' stale ¶
¶ I'm lookin' in the rearview at a lost cause ¶
¶ Get your shit together and always strive for the applause ¶
¶ You see I am a drifter, government resistor ¶
¶ Walk these dusty roads and hear that southern wind whisper ¶
¶ Don't you see mister my feet got blisters ¶
¶ I'm doin' it my own way, don't need no babysitter ¶
¶ This my way of life, when I get 'em paid ¶
¶ Put it on my tombstone here lies a renegade ¶
¶ Flyin' down a backroad feelin' like a renegade ¶
¶ Renegade ¶
¶ Can't stop won't stop 'til I get paid ¶
¶ 'T-t-til I, 'til I get paid ¶
¶ Flyin' down a backroad better get me water mode ¶
¶ Gimme water mode ¶
¶ Backwoods paid while these yuppies in the shade ¶
¶ Damn it feels good to be a renegade ¶
(zipper zipping)
- God.
This is boring.
Where in the fuck did we get hot dogs?
- Man, how long do we have 'til Kentucky?
- GPS says we got a couple days, bitches.
Suggest you try meditating.
- And why can't we turn on the radio?
- Maybe we should just take this time
to appreciate each other's company?
- 'Preciate this, dick.
- Hey, I know what we can do.
We got a whole case of 90 proof American made bourbon, baby.
- Holy shit, dude.
Is that America Barrels bourbon?
- [Jesse] Mmm-hmm.
- Last time I drank this, I felt like George Washington
flying a bald eagle over Mt. Rushmore
waving at myself.
And no hangover, either.
- [Jesse] Hmm.
- Well, saddle up, cowboy.
Let's drink.
- Let's do it!
(uptempo rock music)
- [Darcy] Ah, shit boys.
Check it out.
Gonna have to take a detour.
- Oh, hell ya, dude.
But wait, don't we gotta go to Kentucky first?
Why not just hit it up on the way back?
- Chris, we gotta hit up the Culche Club, dude.
- Damn, you're right.
- What's the Culche Club?
- What?
(upbeat rock music)
Oh, yeah.
(chuckling)
Oh.
- [Jesse] God bless America.
- [Stripper] Hey, boys.
- [Darcy] Hey.
- [Chris] Hey.
- You like what you see?
(groaning)
Yes.
- Hey guys, what can I get y'all to drink?
- [Darcy] A round of beers'll do.
- [Jesse] 14.
- [Announcer] Guys, put your hands together
for the lovely Skittles.
Skittles is comin' back for two more
hurricane daring songs.
Right there on that center stage.
(uptempo rock music)
(crowd whooping)
(uptempo electronic music)
Hey, hey, hey.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to the world-famous Culche Club.
I'm your host, D.J. MGP on the ones and twos
tonight baby girls, so take a seat,
grab a drink and get ready to see some hot ass.
(door squeaking)
(urine spraying)
(tense music)
- [Jesse] Oh, what the fuck?
- You want, you wanna,
feel me up?
- Hell, no!
You are not getting the drop on me!
(uptempo electronic music) (chuckling)
Hey!
They got dicks!
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- The dancers!
(tense music)
- What the fuck?
- What the dick?
Where the fuck did you guys take me?
- Okay, relax.
Let's just calmly leave this place, now.
- You boys ready to have some fun?
- No, I think we're gonna call it a night.
- You guys ain't goin' nowhere.
- We know you got some money.
You ain't leavin' 'til you spend it on us.
And guess what?
I'm pitchin'.
- But I don't play baseball.
- Hey, fuck you.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
(thudding) (grunting)
Get him off me, get him off me!
- Guys come on, there's a back door back here.
- Ooh, did I just hear someone say back door?
- Yes, I did.
(excited mumbling)
- [Man] Go go go!
- Man, we just had crazy night.
Check this out.
Jesse got tranny piss all over him.
Chris got cock slapped and Darcy
well, you know how Darcy is.
- Hey, tell 'em what you were into
before all that happened.
- Well, uh,
hey, crazy shit's going down, so,
we're gonna pack it in for the night,
but catch ya on the next venture.
What the hell just happened?
Jesse, you said the place was legit.
- Culche's never like that, man, but it is 2018 now.
- Dude, I never said shit.
I went and took a piss and damn near
got raped by a tranny.
(phone ringing)
- [Darcy] Hello?
Hey, what's up?
Roger that.
I'll see ya in about an hour.
- Dude, when I saw that dick shadow,
I was trying not to stare, unlike Darcy.
(chuckling)
- Fuck you!
So, I just got word of some fast cash, boys.
There's an underground poker game happening
in about an hour.
We're going.
- What the hell?
After all this shit went down,
you wanna go to an underground poker game?
- I ain't doin' shit.
- I'm with them, dude.
I ain't doin' shit.
- So, there's no way to talk you into it, huh boys?
- Nope.
- Nothin'.
- Well, I guess I'm gonna have to enjoy those free drinks
served up by beautiful women all by myself.
(uptempo percussive music)
All right, try and act normal in this place.
I hear these guys are some serious dudes.
- Hey, you focus on making money.
We'll focus on bein' normal.
- Fuck normal, this is Vegas.
Let's just pretend that we're gambling
and they'll keep giving us free drinks.
- [Outlaw] Oh, let's get hammered.
- Hey, Darcy.
Good to see you again.
You ready?
- Yeah, I'm good, Cal.
We're all kinda countin' on this.
There's a deal I'm into.
Boys don't know, but I'm short about 50K.
- Relax.
You got my money?
Nice.
You're all set.
Wait 'til around two a.m.
That's usually the time these high-rollers
wanna go home, they'll go all in.
You're playin' with a whale tonight.
He hates to fold, like last time.
Gimme the sign and I'll create a distraction,
switch out them cards on the table real quick,
they'll be a couple of aces waitin' for ya.
- Roger that.
- All right.
Go get 'em boy.
(tense music)
- Hundreds.
Five hundreds.
Thousands.
(tense music)
(chips clattering)
- You win some, you lose some.
- You might wanna fold on this one, buddy.
- I'm committed
and if that was your play to get me to fold
by throwing all that money,
well, guess what?
- Go all in, I'm tired.
- Do not go all in.
- Oh, just go all in, pussy.
(crashing)
- I'll call.
And since you're so committed, how 'bout another 30K?
I'm all in.
It's okay, you can fold.
You win some, you lose some.
- If you only knew.
I'm all in.
- [Chris] Did he just sink 30K?
- That our fuckin' dip deal money, asshole?
- Don't worry boys, this guy don't have shit.
(dramatic music)
Fuck!
What the fuck, asshole?
- Well, this is one for you to go all in on,
but not for you to win on.
- [Darcy] You fucked us!
- Go home, kid.
- Welcome to Vegas, boys.
Hope to see ya back real soon.
- Wait, wait, wait.
We need that money.
- [Man] It's time for you boys to go.
(tense music)
- What the hell just happened?
Was that our damn dip deal money?
Fuckin' answer the question, mother fucker.
- Who the fuck do you think you're talkin' to?
You fucks told me to go all in.
- We didn't know it was gonna be the money from the deal.
We thought it was just a friendly game, asshole.
- All right, shit.
Calm the hell down.
Let's just go grab a beer somewhere.
I can fix this.
- We just lost 100K.
How are you going to fix this?
- I can fix this.
(upbeat country music)
- Yeah, I'll have another.
Hey guys, checkin' in.
Oh, we got some problems with this deal,
and I reckon this dude's handlin' it.
- Not now.
- I guess it's just us guys.
We're sittin' at the bar havin' a couple brews.
'Bout to head home, 'cause this journey's about over,
so I reckon catch ya on the next one.
Holler.
(sighing)
What the hell are we gonna do?
- I don't know, man.
Hopefully, this dumbass'll figure somethin' out.
Soon.
- I hope so.
'Cause losing out on this deal
is losing out on a lot more than 100K.
- So, Vegas got the best of ya, huh?
I'm sorry, I couldn't help but overhear
that you guys lost some money.
Ah, happens to the best of us.
It happens to everybody at least
once in a lifetime, right?
For some others, more frequently.
- Yeah, more frequently would be our dumbasses.
- Let me guess, you lost some money
at a high stakes after-hours place down the street
called the Golden Hole.
- Wait, what did you just say?
Who the fuck are you?
- Yeah, who the hell are you?
You can't just be imposing on peoples'
misfortunes like that, bitch.
- If you're with a casino, we got nothin' to give you, man.
We lost everything.
- Talkin' 'bout the 100 grand.
I'm not interested in your money.
- How the fuck did you know about that?
- 'Cause it's been the same hustle for years.
They lure you in, they take their money,
they spit ya out.
But um,
if you're interested, I may know of a way
to help you guys get your money back.
- Why the fuck would we trust a douche bag at a bar
to get our money back?
- Well, because like you, I also believe
in the American dream, Darcy.
- How the fuck did you know my name?
- I know a lot of things and one of them
is how to get your money back.
- All right, random man who knows everyone's names.
How the hell do we get our money back
and what the fuck do you want in return?
'Cause I believe in the American dream
and eagles and shit, but why the fuck
are you helping us, again?
'Cause even though I'm drunk, I can still smell
shit a mile away.
- And he's good at smellin' shit.
But I agree.
- This smells funny to me.
I think we need to pack our shit up
and go the fuck home.
- Wait, wait.
Let's just hear this guy out for a second.
- Well if you are interested in hearing me out,
why don't we find some place
a little more private to talk, huh?
(suspenseful orchestral music)
All right.
So I've been planning this for a while.
I've just been looking for a crew to help me out
and I've been watching you guys all night
at the casino, and I think you might be the right team
for the job.
But we're gonna have to move fast
before they move the cash.
- All right, you got our attention.
- Ah shit.
- Hey, enough crosstalk, okay?
Now as I was saying, these guys have been at it
for a long time now.
And they actually recently took me for about 250 grand
so needless to say, I'm eager to get back at them.
- 250 freaking grand?
You have a problem?
I lose 20 dollars and I'm out.
- Pipe down, John Candy.
Now I know you guys are just average Joes
but if you're able to follow simple instructions
you should be just fine.
You just gotta know your rights from your lefts.
Hey, put down the fucking Instabook!
Your fans aren't gonna be able to help you out there.
Guys, you're gonna run into some serious shit out there,
some gangster type characters,
automatic weapons and whatnot.
So it would behoove you to pay attention.
- Automatic weapons, what the hell?
I can't believe we're listening to this bullshit!
We have nothing.
- Yeah, he's right.
- Well the way I look at it is,
what have you got to lose, huh?
And I have the perfect route, okay?
I know this place like the back of my hand.
There's gonna be some guys here, here and here.
But if you keep on a steady path,
about a half hour to an hour, everything's gonna loosen up
for you guys and you'll have a steady track
nice and clear all the way to Grand Central.
- That's a lot of fucking firepower.
How are we supposed to get through that.
And what the hell is Grand Central?
- It's where your money is.
Just keep the questions until the end, okay?
Let me just tell you the plan first.
I'm gonna drop you guys off right here
at the south end of the warehouse.
Now once you guys get into position
at the employees only door,
you're gonna be on your own from there.
- How do we know which one is the employees only door?
- It'll say employees only, dumbass.
- Oh, gotcha.
- Outlaw, here's the keycode to the security door.
Now inside, you're gonna use this aerosol device
to reveal the security lasers.
You fail at that, the place is gonna light up
like Rockefeller Center, all right?
Now once you disable that sensor, you guys are clear
to open the door.
Now I'll be watching you guys over here.
Now once you're in the clear, you're gonna be able
to make your move.
You're gonna need to file down the hallway
and you're gonna need to do it quick.
Remember, 30 minutes to an hour
is all the time you've got,
so you don't have a lot of play room here.
So you're gonna move fast and quick,
but most of all, quiet.
Got it?
You guys following so far?
All right.
(thunder rumbling)
(door creaking)
(device clicking)
(tense music)
- Go.
- [Announcer] No men left on base
after eight more steals.
- I hate being fat.
Sorry, sorry.
Oh.
Oh shit!
I pissed!
- Hey dude, you just pissed your pants?
- What the fuck, Jessie?
(laughing)
- Stop.
Stop!
- Fucking smells like fucking lead!
(pants squishing)
- You shut the fuck up, piss boy.
Take your fucking shoes off or something.
Hurry up dude, hurry up.
- Shh, are you ready?
Okay.
(clacking)
(quirky orchestral music)
- Fucking asshole.
Oh my god.
- On my fucking fingers, dude.
- Sorry man.
- Shut the fuck up!
You're gonna get us fucking killed!
- Fuck you, asswad.
My pants are soaked with piss
and I'm chafing.
(all chattering)
- Guys.
Guys!
Dumbasses!
- Piss in my--
- Shit.
- What the hell are you guys doing?
Who let you fucknuts in here?
- We're gonna get to the bottom of it.
Don't fucking move.
Johnny, come here.
(gun firing)
- Shit what happened?
- Holy shit, what the fuck dude?
I thought you were gonna take care of these guys.
- I did, didn't I?
- So you used us as a distraction?
- Yeah, sorry about that.
I had to figure out their weight
for the tranq darts.
I didn't wanna kill them.
So let's go inside, see what we got.
(grunting)
- [Chris] Dammit.
Fucking dick.
- Okay, here we go.
I believe this is yours.
Go ahead and put it in a nice little suitcase here for you.
And you guys will be on your merry way.
There you go.
- Well shit, man.
It's definitely a fucking challenge.
- What happened to your shoes?
- Peabody here pissed his pants.
(laughing)
- All right, all right.
Why don't you guys get the hell out of here
and I'll take care of the other guys, all right?
- Thanks, man.
Here's my card.
Hit me up sometime.
Maybe we can repay you for helping us out.
- Well it's my pleasure, believe me
and I'm sure our paths will cross again
in a future day, you know.
The universe is mysterious and all that.
- Thanks again, man.
- Sure.
- I didn't catch your name.
- Susan.
No names, get the fuck out of here!
(hip hip music)
¶ Face reality, so I just reminiscence about ¶
¶ The good times, yeah ¶
¶ I'm sitting, countin' marys in a motel ¶
- You know, at the end,
when we were on our fucking knees,
I thought we were done for, boys.
- That was some serious shit, dude.
Craziest thing I've ever done in my life.
I never felt that close to death before today.
- I've never smelled piss that bad before.
- [Jesse] Oh yeah?
How's them fingers doing, bitch?
- [Chris] Fuck you.
Are we gonna start drinking or what?
Hand me the bottle!
- Let's get the hell out of dodge first.
- Shit, that ain't stopping me.
- Well that's great for you.
I still got to drive this bitch.
- Hey, you guys want to do something crazy?
- Shit dude, we just did.
- Why don't we pick up a hitchhiker to drive the RV for us
so we could party?
- What?
- I don't know about that.
You really wanna trust a stranger?
- Come on guys, we're on a once in a lifetime dip run
and we're already a little bit behind schedule.
- Well, this thing is pretty easy to drive
and it would be a good idea to have a driver.
Screw it, let's find someone.
Keep your eyes peeled.
- Won't be long on this road.
I've already seen a few.
Oh, hold on, wait.
Right here, there's a dude.
Man I told you guys, there's hitchhikers everywhere!
- What's up, guys?
It's your boy Big Rob here.
Thanks for stopping, I've been on this road
for two days looking for someone
to pick my fat ass up.
- Where are you headed, Big Wob?
- I heard Hawaii's a great place to rock
from time to time.
- Wait a minute.
You're hitchhiking to Hawaii, Big Rob?
- Yeah, my coworkers told me keep walking on this road
and I can't miss it.
- First of all, Hawaii is a fucking island.
Second of all, your coworkers don't like you.
And thirdly, get the fuck out of my RV!
- Fuck you guys, and I find other bitches
who'll schnob on my knob.
(door slamming)
- Holy shit, you see the udders on that guy?
Man, fuck him, we'll find another hitchhiker
down the road, keep driving.
- What a weirdo, walking to Hawaii?
Inbreeding is dangerous.
- I heard that.
You guys hear that voice?
Schnob on my nob.
(laughing)
- [Outlaw] Oh shit, wait, here we go.
Here we go.
- Hold on bitches, I'm pulling over.
(upbeat rock music)
(breathing heavily)
- Hey what's up, girl, need a ride?
- Fuck!
Yeah, I've been waiting for a ride, all, shit buff, day!
I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.
- You all right, you want some water?
- Yeah, I just have Tourette's.
It's only bad when I'm nervous.
- This should be entertaining.
- No, this could work, and I'm getting tired.
Besides, what's the worst that could happen?
- Well, get in, woman.
The only thing is you gotta drive.
And I didn't catch your name.
- [Erica] Yeah, I'll drive.
I'm just happy to be off the streets!
My name's Erica.
- All right then, Erica.
Get in the driver's seat.
I'll teach you all the mechanics.
Super easy, just drive nice and steady.
- Is it okay if I use the little girl's room first?
I'm just gonna
bust!
- [Darcy] Yeah, sure.
- [Erica] All right, thank you.
- The fuck?
(rock music)
- Are you ready, boys?
(rock music)
- Okay, I'll sleep up here.
- [Erica] Smegma!
Smegma!
Titty!
Shit!
Titty bang bang.
Shit, titty titty titty.
Tit tit.
Pee in my butt!
Cumdumpster.
Cock, cock.
Cuck, cuck, cuck.
Cuck Trudeau.
Rape, rape, rape.
Rape, rape, rape,
rape, rape, rape,
rape this bitch, rape!
- What the fuck?
Goddamn it, pull the fuck over right now!
- What the hell happened?
- What's going on here, man?
- I'm okay you, guys.
I'm fine, I just need balls in my ass!
- You gotta go.
Here, take this Cannadips.
It'll calm you down.
Now get the fuck out!
- I'm really sorry, guys.
I hope you have a great, rape, trip!
Trip, rape trip.
- What was that all about?
- [Jesse] What the hell was that?
- My kind of girl, bro.
- I think I'm in love.
¶ Welcome to the mothertruckin' woods ¶
- Well, we'll be right back.
Wanna get some food, you want anything?
- No man I good.
I got this Redcon1 protein shake.
And hurry, we're leaving after I make this phone call.
¶ Four wheel drive and good times ¶
¶ Welcome to the mothertruckin' woods ¶
(phone ringing)
- [Man] Hello?
- Hello, is this Cyrus?
- [Cyrus] Yes it is, who's this?
- Cyrus, this is Darcy.
I was given your number and was told
that you'd be expecting a call from me today?
- [Cyrus] Oh shit, Darcy, yeah that's right.
- So what's the plan?
- [Cyrus] Well shit, sorry to say this,
but the deal needs to be pushed back.
- No problem.
We got other shit we can do out here.
Where we meeting and what time?
- [Cyrus] Okay we will be meeting in three days.
Friday at eight p.m.
26566 Joseph Avenue in Lilo, Kentucky.
Don't be late.
- That won't happen.
We'll see you Friday.
(grunting)
The fuck is this?
- [Outlaw] We found him outside.
He needs a ride.
- No shit, really?
- He needs a ride, Darcy.
- Where you headed?
- I'm going wherever that road might take me.
- Can you drive?
- As a matter of fact, yeah I can.
I was the only soldier in my unit
in the global war on terrorism
to take that deuce and a half across some sands of Iraq.
- You're hired.
- Okay.
(upbeat country music)
(keys clinking)
- So it's Dave, right?
What kind of work you into?
- I do a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
I'm kind of a living legend
from my time spent back in the military.
- Oh yeah?
How's that?
- When I was overseas fighting the global war on terrorism
pinned down an entire platoon of Taliban
till took a stray round the nads,
blew one of them clean off.
- Ooh.
- I'm good now.
Platoon mates nickname me, Lance Small Armstrong.
(chuckling)
Unfortunately kind of cut my career short.
- Well, it's good to know you were serving up
our country with a beating on them sons of bitches.
But uh, I must ask.
Why is your hand in your pants?
- Oh this thing?
My therapist she says it's for PTSD
but I just think it's 'cause I'm a horny son of a bitch
but for me I just do it
because it helps me deal with them bombs
going off all around me you know?
- Well it looks like you got some bombs
going off in your pants.
Just as long as you don't have a rape episode,
you keep it in your pants, we're good.
- You ain't got to worry about it, Cletus.
You don't even know it's here
and you won't even see it coming.
Kind of like that platoon of Taliban.
They didn't even know before I drop lug 556
on their foreheads.
(laughing)
- Hey, thanks again for driving, man.
Darcy needs some sleep
and you are crucial to us getting there on time.
I'm Jessie by the way.
- I'm Dave, what's going on?
- You nervous, man?
Why are your hands so clammy? (laughing)
Anyways, those guys sleeping back there,
that's Darcy, that's Chris.
Again, you are really saving our asses
by driving, man, big time.
- Yeah, you are.
We're stopping at a couple locations.
Here's our first one.
- You sure you don't wanna get some sleep?
Won't you wanna get that?
- Yeah, sounds good, man.
Thank you.
(grunting)
(sniffing)
- Oh god.
(crickets chirping)
- Well shit boys, this trip has completely
turned around, don't you think?
- Damn right, starting to feel like a road trip now.
So what are we doing tomorrow?
- Think we're heading to the rattlesnake museum.
But first we gotta get some spicy ass food in the morning,
get rid of this hangover.
- Why does everyday got to be about eating?
I don't care what we do
as long as you don't throw up in the sink again
like a little bitch.
- I'm a pro at throwing up in sinks.
But those days are over.
(coughing)
- Chris, you all right?
Good?
Chris, you all right?
Dude, I think he's choking.
- Everybody get back!
I got this.
Save many a life in my day.
(grunting)
Spit it out, baby boy.
Spit it out, come on.
- Oh!
- Ew, Dave, is that your jerkoff hand?
- Maybe.
- Hey, you're choking on a little bit more
than just chips now.
(groaning)
- Oh, yeah.
- Don't throw up in the sink.
- All right, going back to bed.
Try not to choke.
- Yeah, don't worry, we won't.
Just keep your hand in your pants.
Fucking weirdo.
- What's up with that guy?
- Well he's got a little problem that he got
from the war on terror.
- What kind of problem is that?
- See, Dave's got chronic masturbation.
He can't stop.
So don't ever touch his right hand.
- What the fuck?
- [Darcy] Not in the sink, dick breath!
- Hey Chris, when you're done
let's go down to that river!
- River?
- Well yeah, we wanted to get a little fishing in.
You guys wanna go?
- Nah, I'm done for the night.
- Yeah I'm good too.
- You guys are dicks.
Outlaw, grab the poles, let's go.
- Grab them poles, huh?
Sounds like something Dave would do.
(laughing)
- Oh, dude, this is perfect.
Bet there's all types of fish up in this sumbitch.
- Yeah, fish'll be cool.
- Hey, tie that rope off.
- Oh dude, look what I got.
Some edibles, you want some?
- Nah man.
I got me some of this.
- [Chris] What is that?
- It's Cannadip.
- [Chris] What is it though?
- It's weed dip, dude.
It's THC CBD infused dip, bro.
- [Chris] Hell yeah, let's try some.
Woohoo!
- [Outlaw] Woo, that was a scary one!
Ah, we're gonna catch us some fish now.
Gotta feed Jessie's fat ass.
- [Chris] Heard that.
Let's try some of that cannabis dip.
Get you some of that, ooh.
Mmm, it's good.
(birds chirping)
- Hey, get up, fatass!
Don't you know only whores make money on their backs?
- God, ah!
The fuck, man?
What's going on here, what happened?
I'm trying to sleep here, bitch.
- Not no more.
Here, drink this.
It'll wake you up.
You don't need none of that spicy food.
Get that shit out of your head.
Diet is psychological.
Trust me, all you need is this Redcon1 Total War.
You're up and ready to go.
You know that this shit is all you need
throughout the day--
- Shut the fuck up!
I don't need to hear any of your speeches
about my health.
I just woke up.
- Fucking Chris and Outlaw aren't here.
Where they at?
- I don't know, man.
Probably still out on their pow wow
fishing or some shit.
They out front?
- I don't see them.
Why do I always gotta babysit you motherfuckers?
- Relax, you know Outlaw is fishing.
They'll be back.
- Oh, what the fuck?
- Looks like you missed a spot on your face.
- Think this is funny?
Wipe your mouth off, dick breath.
- Ah shit!
- Exactly.
- Where the hell are we?
I think we fell asleep.
- I thought you secured the rope.
- Ah shit, I forgot.
Now what?
How are we gonna get back?
Darcy's gonna be pissed.
- Yeah, fuck Darcy.
I need to figure this shit out.
- Can't we just row back?
- Upstream, no!
Ah dude, I don't have any service.
Just walk up this bank until we find them.
(grunting)
- Damn, dude.
It's been like an hour.
So what, we just keep going?
- Uh yeah.
It's kind of our only option at this point.
(creature growling)
- Oh shit, what was that?
- I think that was an Appalachian Moose Bear.
- What the hell is an Appalachian Moose Bear?
- I don't know, but it sounded good.
- Ugh.
Oh, shit.
- Oh dude, that's boar shit.
And from the looks of it,
that's a big mother trucker.
- Aw.
Fuck asshole, you just leave me?
(intense orchestral music) (boar snorting and squealing)
- Run!
Run, it's morning!
The boars are hungry in the morning!
- Shit!
(grunting)
- Ah yeah.
Ah, this Total War's the shit!
Ah, big time!
(light orchestral music)
(panting)
- Hey, shut the fuck up, I'm meditating.
I don't even wanna hear you guys speak.
How very responsible of you.
- We just got chased by a fucking boar!
- Is that the story you're sticking to, fucksticks?
- No!
We fell asleep in the boat and floated downriver.
Then we hiked our asses back upstream
into the woods with nothing but our fucking cocks
in our hands being chased by an Appalachian Moose Bear!
- An Appalachian what?
You are totally high, dude.
There's nothing fucking out there.
- Whatever.
Go see for yourself.
He'll see.
(boar growling)
- Oh shit, fucking boar out there!
- What'd I tell you?
- [Darcy] We gotta go!
- We gotta get the hell out of here!
- You're stepping on my chips, asshole!
- Chill the fuck out, Jessie!
(boys shouting over each other)
(screaming)
- [Jesse] Go!
- So, we still got another day to kill, boys.
What you guys feel like doing?
- Don't you remember anything, dummy?
What, can't handle your liquor, dude?
I said last night, while I was getting hammered
that we were gonna get some spicy ass food
and hit up the rattlesnake museum.
(slapping)
Ow!
Fuck dude, that hurt!
- I bet it does.
You had that coming you fucking fucko.
- Yeah he did.
Anyways, what the hell is in a rattlesnake museum?
- Dead rattlesnakes, dum dum, you dummy.
The fuck, man?
Jesus Christ.
Anyways, it's gonna be pretty cool.
A buddy said it's awesome.
I even seen the pics.
He says they got a world record rattlesnake
in one of the exhibits.
- I got the world record snake right here, skippy.
We don't need no damn museum.
(laughing)
- Screw it, let's go.
I need some vlog footage anyway.
- Let's do it?
- All right then.
Rattlesnake museum it is.
(snake rattling) (machine beeping)
- Hey dude.
Yo Mad, you up?
- Dude, he got fucked up.
- How the hell does someone get bit
by a dead rattlesnake?
- Fucking loser.
(chuckling)
- Hey I call dibs on all of his gaming shit.
You think he wants this sausage I brought for him?
- Hmm, give me the sausage.
I'm starving, dude.
I haven't eaten in four five days.
- Starving?
You've been here like five fucking minutes.
- What happened?
- Apparently, you walked through the door
and tripped and you fell into the damn exhibit.
Now we're behind schedule and this shit ain't funny.
- Hey, fuck you asshole, I almost died right now
and all you care about is getting that stupid dip deal?
I'm sorry.
But my life is a little bit more important
than any amount of tits, money, and dip.
I'm sitting in this gurney right now
and all I can think about is getting home alive.
That being said, Chris, give me my phone.
I need to get out of here.
- Dude, you just can't leave us right now.
- Yeah, come on dude, just a little bite.
- We're doing this to achieve the American dream.
Come on, man.
Your fans and everyone are gonna love this.
Sometimes we go through things to make us
a better person and learn from our mistakes.
We go through life and at times
come across major problems.
But in the end we come out more polished.
I mean, in order to get gold to a moldable state,
it must get to an extreme temperature.
This is your moment where you get to mold your life
into something better for your future.
Today is your defining moment.
Quitting will only end
what you just nearly killed yourself over.
Now is when you become the greater person.
Besides, if you get up, keep going,
what's the worst that could happen?
- I never really wanted to be a nurse, dammit.
- You know what, you're right, dude.
I have quit at some low times in my life.
And I've started some things that I just couldn't finish.
People always say I'm nothing
and I'm just a fat motherfucker.
And I always think I'm the one that's gonna quit.
But you know what?
I'm gonna finish this shit.
We've been this far together,
I'm not gonna quit now or ever.
Let's stop dicking around.
Let's get to this deal.
- You can't really go out like that, sir.
- I'm going on a dip run!
(upbeat hip hop music)
- [Chris] Hold on dude, I need to piss really quick
and Dave's in there taking a fricking shit.
- [Jesse] Hey me too, hold on Chris!
Hey, how you doing, man?
- Oh god, really dude?
Of all the places you can piss at,
you're gonna piss next to me?
- Chill, relax, huh?
Yeah I'm having some major gaming withdrawals.
- [Chris] Tell me about it, dude.
Hey, quit staring at my dick!
What's your problem, man?
(laughing)
Hey what is that?
- [Jesse] What?
- I don't know, man.
- What the hell are you doing on my property?
- [Chris] Looks like he's coming over here.
- [Jesse] Hey, fuck off, this is America!
I can piss anywhere I want.
- Kind of looks like an inbred.
You think he likes sausage?
- I don't know, man.
But he's getting closer.
- [Chris] Oh shit dude, he has a fricking shovel.
- [Jesse] Oh shit!
Go go!
(tense music)
- You know what, I bet you, let's do this.
I bet you I can pack four cans
quicker than you can pack one, skippy.
- You fucking kidding me right now?
- Nope, put your money where your mouth is, pussy.
I'm the king of dip.
- Well I'm the god of dip.
- I'm the superman of dip!
- Well where's your fricking cape, then?
- I'm the souza dip!
No wait, I'm the dip doctor.
- Oh does the dip doctor prescribe that sitdoll
on your freaking biceps?
How about this, how about this?
Grab this fricking can.
All right listen, we're gonna go
on the count of seven.
- Okay.
- One, two, seven!
- Oh you cocksucker.
- Oh, that's good, yeah.
Mmm.
God, it's so juicy.
- Juicy as fuck!
- Help us you fucking dicks, open up the door!
- [Darcy] Oh shit!
- Oh shit, open the door!
Open the door!
- [Jesse] Darcy, let's go!
What the hell are we waiting for?
We gotta get the hell out of here!
Go, go!
- [Chris] Let's go!
- [Outlaw] Go!
- Oh shit yo, hold up!
- What the?
Hit the brakes!
(tires screeching)
(horn honking)
What the hell?
- [Darcy] Shit!
- Oh, what happened?
What the hell, Dave?
- Freaking psycho.
- Everybody all right?
- Man, there was a car coming right at me.
What was I supposed to do?
- The fuck were you doing
where you just barely seen the car?
Straight fucking road!
I'm gonna go out and check the damage.
I know something's broken.
- You good?
- Dude what the hell, it's crazy, man.
- I gotta go uh, clean myself off.
- Really Dave, really?
- [Dave] I gotta wash up real quick.
- What the hell is that?
- The hell is that shit?
- Oh! (laughing)
The fuck!
- Oh, damn, get it off me, man.
- Oh my god, look at it, it's so slimy.
- Oh I'm so glad I didn't sit there, dude.
Oh my god.
Oh.
He blew a load.
- Oh what up, Darc?
- Asshole.
Well, we got a flat tire, boys.
- Flat tire?
The tits are we gonna do now?
- We got a spare, but no tire iron.
(groaning)
I don't have any phone service.
You guys got any service?
- No.
- I saw a light up the hill a little ways.
Looked like a farm.
- I'll go with you.
Hey you guys stay here and watch our shit.
And try to flag down a car.
We'll be right back.
What time you think, Darcy?
- Not long.
- Good luck.
- So.
Wanna play Go Fish?
- Really dude?
Out of all things we can do
at this moment of tragedy, you wanna play Go Fish?
Let's do it.
(wolf howling)
- Fuck man, I never realize how loud nature is.
You're used to this shit, aren't you?
- Yeah man, you get used to shit real quick
when you're out here in the backwoods.
(crow cawing)
What was that?
- What?
- No, it's probably other men.
It's just the locals doing what they do.
- What do you mean locals doing what they do?
- Well if I'm not mistaken
we're out here in the Ozarks right?
Been down here hunting a couple times.
They told me some crazy stories about what goes on
in these parts.
But you probably don't wanna hear that right now.
- Dude, I ain't no pussy.
- Well see this used to be an old mining town.
These city slickers came in
and they bought up all the mines.
The miners wanted to get revenge on the city slickers
so what they did was they tied them up by their feet
to a gosh dang tree and burned them over a giant fire!
And they still haven't caught the miners to this day.
People come here every year camping and fishing,
trying to find the remains for some gosh dang answers.
Well, it's weird hillbilly shit, dude.
- Bro, you're bullshitting me.
- No I swear.
I'll show you the FBI article right now
but we ain't got no service out here.
I'll show you when we get back to the RV.
Dude, what is that?
- Where, where?
- I think that's a house.
- It is that house.
See that walk wasn't so bad.
They better have something we could use.
- [Jesse] Two of hearts.
- Go fish, bitch!
- Fuck, goddamit!
- [Chris] Sucker.
- I'ma grab a beer.
- Grab me one too.
Dude, I think they're back.
- [Jesse] No way.
Oh shit it is them.
- Dude, we should scare the shit out of them.
- Dude I'm so down.
We can hide in those bushes out there
and scare the shit out of them so bad.
- Yes, let's do it.
(eerie music)
(knocking)
- Well praise the Lord above.
He's blessed us with some visitors.
Danny!
Danny, Dan, we've got some visitors here.
- Well hey there, guys.
What's got you two out here deep in the woods?
Look like you ain't from around here.
What can we do you for?
- Uh, our RV broke down up the road.
We were kind of hoping that you guys
might be able to help with--
- You know what, enough chit chat.
Colder than a donkey's bottom out there.
Come in, have a meal, and then we can talk
about your broke down RV.
- Well you see we kind of have to be somewhere right now.
- We'd love to sit down.
Dude, shut the fuck up.
Just go in there, eat their shit,
get the fuck out of here.
Remember the Ozarks.
- [Woman] Here.
(eerie music)
- [Danny] Let's have a word of prayer to the great lord
for this bountiful food.
- Dude, they're going to take your kidneys and my liver.
And we're about to eat the last visitors they had.
- M-hmm.
- We also thank you for our visitors
as you know damn well we don't get a lot of them out here.
Amen.
- Amen.
- Oh shit.
Amen.
- So what brings you two boys out here
on a cold night like this?
You all must be working on the oil rigs out there.
Mighty fine work they do out there.
- Well actually, we were just,
we're driving our RV back to camp
so we can get back home.
Yeah, it's been a long work week, that's for sure.
- [Woman] Oh, Bobby!
- Hey Paw, hey Maw.
- Oh son.
- I see we got us some visitors.
- [Woman] Yeah.
- How you boys doing tonight?
- Ah yellow.
- Hi.
- Hey, Bobby.
These boys here are having some vehicle problems
so invited them in for dinner till you got home.
What do you boys need?
Bobby here can fix anything.
- Well we got a flat tire.
Don't have a tire iron.
We do have a spare, though.
- I got a tire iron right here in the back.
I'll grab it, take you boys back,
and I'ma help you fix it.
(laughing)
- We gotta get the fuck out of here, like now!
- I know.
- Dude, this is gonna be hilarious.
I can't wait to see Darcy's face.
- I know.
We'll get those idiots so good.
(eerie ambient music)
- Dude, I don't think that's Outlaw and Darcy.
- What?
Shit.
Holy shit, are you seeing this?
- No way, that's a fucking dude, dude.
- We gotta get the fuck out of here.
(chanting)
- Let's get back to the RV, get Dave
and then wait for the guys.
This is none of our fricking business.
I don't wanna die out here.
I still haven't gotten a soul of chicken dinner yet.
And there's no revising this shit.
(chanting)
- Hey, I agree 100%.
- [Both] We gotta go.
(phone chiming)
- [Man] Different quadrant nine,
this is your reminder.
Your pizza's ready.
(scraping)
- [Bobby] Just stick to this iron back here, boys,
it's a little big.
(banging)
- Sharpening that ax.
(grinding)
(booming)
- [Woman] Ooh.
- [Outlaw] Ah shit, fuck this, what the fuck Darcy?
(plates shattering)
(bashing)
(panting)
- [Darcy] Dude.
- [Outlaw] Oh dude, is it over?
Is it over?
- We need to get the fuck out of here.
Come on.
- What the fuck?
- Oh, oh.
I'ma kill these motherfuckers.
You boys can run!
But you can't hide!
- Wake the fuck up, Dave, we gotta go!
- The fuck?
Is this dip spit?
Did you fucking throw dip spit on me?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Fuck!
What the hell, Dave?
We gotta get the fuck out of here,
there's inbreds trying to kill us!
- The fuck?
The guys are in there.
- [Outlaw] What are we gonna do now?
- We're gonna run up in there,
we're gonna save those pussies.
- Holy shit, it's you guys.
- The hell's going on out there, man?
We thought you were coming back,
we went out there to scare you.
Next thing you know, we got cults on our asses.
- They killed someone right in front of us.
(knocking) - Whoa!
- Come on now.
I don't know that kind of rabid ass ideas
entered your mind,
but why don't you boys step on out of the vehicle
so we can talk?
- [Jesse] Fuck you man, you're gonna kill us.
We ain't doing shit.
- Now why on earth would we wanna kill you?
- [Darcy] The Ozarks, asshole.
- [Jesse] Yeah we know.
We saw what you did to that dude in the woods,
tied him up.
That little demon kid slit his throat.
(laughing)
- Well I'll be damned.
You all are a bunch of funny fellers.
That dude you saw strung up?
That was a boar from tonight's hunt.
And that damn demon kid was my youngest boy Rutabar.
It was his first kill and we have a first kill ritual.
He got to drink the blood of the boar.
As far as the Ozarks,
(laughing)
ain't your parents ever taught you
not to believe in ghost stories?
All this commotion over that?
Come on now, we see you got a flat.
We got a tire iron here.
Why don't you boys step on out of the vehicle,
throw back some drinks with us
and we'll get this beater fixed up
and send you on your way.
- Thank god.
Good thing for you fuckers.
'Cause I was about to go apeshit on your asses.
- I thought we were done for.
- I don't give a rat's ass about any of this.
I'm done!
Dip spit in the face is where I draw the line.
So adios, and have fun on your random
road trip of clusterfuckery!
- [Man] What the hell crawled up his ass?
We're about to have a get-together!
Come on now, drink up.
The beer's getting warm but the moonshine's getting cold.
Am I right boys?
Woohoo!
¶ Wild wild wild west ¶
- This is freaking awesome.
Can we do this every year?
- Sure, Skippy.
I guess it ain't too bad, huh?
At least Chris is enjoying himself.
- Man, we almost died on this deal.
But I can honestly say,
it's a little bit worth it.
Hell I can't wait to get back on the road.
- Hey, little less deal talk, little more drinking.
We need a night off.
- Aah!
¶ Wild wild wild west ¶
¶ Wikky-Wah-Wah ¶
¶ Wild wild wild west ¶
¶ Wikky-Wild wild west ¶
¶ I'm from the '90s ¶
¶ Diamond Rio and High-C ¶
¶ Wait, 90's, Alan Jackson and pine trees ¶
¶ Wait wait wait, '90s ¶
¶ Shania Twain and Swiss cheese ¶
¶ Shit, wait ¶
¶ '90s, Dixie Chicks and 98 Degrees ¶
¶ Wait wait wait ¶
¶ I met George Strait ¶
¶ Please don't get irate ¶
¶ I made an honest mistake ¶
- Hey, watch this.
Who the fuck thinks they can outdrink me?
I'm a drinking god!
Nobody?
That's what I thought, huh.
- [Darcy] I guess the Ozarks ain't shit.
- Nope.
- All right boys, looks like we got ourselves a drinker!
These pussy ass bitches think they can outdrink us?
BeersCo, get in here.
- You really think you can outdrink the south,
you sloppy soy boy fatass?
(laughing)
- [Darcy] All right, let's get this thing going,
you guys ready?
All right!
When I say go.
And go!
- [Chris] Come on Jesse!
Come on, come on!
- Chug it!
Chug it, dude!
(spitting)
- [All] Aww!
- Yellow, what's cracking, mother truckers hey!
We are here in the south partying with these
crazy Southern folks.
They are crazy much, I tell you what.
I'll check back with you guys in a bit.
I gotta go.
Yes, I do have a girlfriend.
And no, I don't go both ways, okay?
Hey Darcy.
When do you think we're gonna get outta here?
(gunshot firing)
(tense music)
- We got ourselves a problem here, boys.
- [Outlaw] Oh that does not look good.
Chris, let's go, let's go.
- It seems as if we got some snakes in our grass.
There are some outsiders down here.
They're not here on good terms.
They done knocked out Ma, Pa,
they're up there hunched over
with welts on their face bigger than a Georgia Peach.
- Jesse!
- Holy shit!
- Hey, that's that mothertrucker right there!
- Run, fatass!
(ominous orchestral music)
(RV starting)
- Fuck you, bitch!
- [Man] I'm gonna kill you sons of bitches!
Stop the RV, come back and fight, sissies!
(upbeat country music)
- So, this is it, huh?
We made it, holy shit.
- Yeah, let's hope so, man.
It's been a long time coming.
It's like this is our big break.
Been struggling for so long
to get MudJug off the ground, Chris.
Things are finally starting to pay off.
- I hear you, man.
Feels good knowing that we're that close
to our big win.
Too bad we couldn't have found a better group of douchebags.
- I wouldn't have wanted to done this deal
with any other douchebags in the entire world, buddy.
- We're some badass ones too.
I mean we got chased by rednecks
not once, but twice.
We broke into a mob hideout.
Nearly raped by trannies,
and you, knocking out that family of inbreds.
- I had no choice, dude,
considering the circumstances.
Damn, we are some badasses.
- Yes, we are.
- Hey, sleeping beauties.
We're pulling over to get some grub.
And I need to make a phone call.
- [Cyrus] Yeah, it's Cyrus.
- Yo Cyrus, it's Darcy.
Hey man, we're about an hour out.
Just wanna make sure we're on
for tonight at eight p.m.
- [Cyrus] When I say eight p.m., I mean eight p.m.
No later, no earlier.
I've been looking forward to meeting
Mr. Compton himself.
- Should be a good night.
I'm pretty juiced to meet up and get this thing going.
- [Cyrus] Well see you on the dip side.
- Roger, you got it.
- Dude, get the fuck in here, the money's gone!
- The fuck you talking about, asshole?
The hell's going on in here, man?
- I don't know.
We were getting ready, came back in here
to grab my Mudjug and the money was gone.
We searched the RV everywhere.
It's gone!
- Betcha it was one of them rednecks.
- Fuck!
Every fucking time, so close!
This is bullshit!
- Chill, we should all just calm down.
Let's get our shit together here.
- I heard that.
I need to eat something.
(light acoustic guitar music)
(sighing)
- So what's the plan?
We're still doing this, right?
- We don't have any fricking money, Outlaw.
Unless you wanna empty your bank account,
we're all screwed.
- Come on guys, let's figure out our options here.
We came too far, too damn close.
Hey Darcy, what are you thinking, man?
Yo Darce, Darcy?
Darce?
- [Darcy] I got nothing, boys.
I think we're done.
- Well, I'm out.
I'll pull my cards and leave while I can.
Sorry Darcy, I just can't do it anymore.
If anybody wants to go home,
I'm about to get up the bus and wallow in my sorrow.
- Well, sorry boys, we tried.
We really did try.
- [Darcy] Probably gonna leave now too, I guess, huh?
- You know, you taught me a lot, man.
You helped me when I was down.
You were there for me when shit was rough.
You've taught me self control.
But the most important thing you've taught me
is when to pull your cards and take what you've got.
I think it's time for me to take what I've got
and go with it, man.
I'm sorry, brother.
But I wanna go home.
- I'll meet up with you guys later.
Let me unload this RV somewhere first.
Fuck it, man, that thing was our kryptonite.
We should have never partied,
we should have just focused on the deal.
And that's my fault.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
- [Man] Your journey's not over yet,
you got one more hand to play.
Hard times, huh, oh well,
I just happen to know where your money is at
and how you can get it back.
And again, I'm gonna text you the address.
Follow this to get your money.
And you're welcome.
- Wait, who the fuck is this?
- [Chris] Who's that?
- Hello?
- Who is that?
Is everything cool?
(phone chiming)
- Shit, man.
You know how the universe works,
everything happens for a reason?
- The hell you're talking about, man?
You're sounding crazy.
Let's go home, dude.
We're done.
- Well we just got another break.
The guy on the phone told me that our money's still here.
(knocking)
(laughing) - Great.
- [Outlaw] What's up?
We're about to hoover to the bus station.
- Well, I just got another random phone call,
saying if we want our money back
to go to this address.
(upbeat country music)
- Man, do you really think our money is there?
We already lost it once.
What the hell are the odds of getting our shit back again?
- Yeah it sounds like a total setup, dude.
- Hey, it's the only card we got left to play.
Besides, what's the worst that could happen?
It's not like your ass got a hot date waiting for you.
- Hey, pitch a right up here.
I think this is it.
(flies buzzing)
- The hell is this place?
- Is this a sex dungeon?
- It does smell like leather and latex, huh?
- [Darcy] Hey, stop fucking around and find a light switch.
- [Jesse] Hold on, I think I got something.
(thudding) - Aw.
What the hell, is that Dave?
- Guys, is that you?
Guys please, you gotta let me out of here, please.
- Fuck you, Dave!
(grunting)
- What the hell are you doing with our money?
- Ah, your money?
You can have your money, please.
The guy who tied me up is crazy.
He's gonna kill me!
- Why the fuck would you take our money?
You're supposed to be a veteran, an American hero!
We trusted you!
- No man, I'm sorry, no I'm not a veteran.
I didn't even make it past ROTC!
I couldn't stop beating my tallywhacker, I'm sorry.
- Stolen valor, motherfucker!
(grunting)
- You know what, leave him tied up
to be eaten by the dogs.
You're a lucky man, Dave.
You have no idea what I would have done to you
five years ago!
Let's get the fuck out of here, boys.
We got a deal to make!
- Guys please, no please.
Please, Jesse.
Please, no.
(screaming)
Jesse, please!
Please!
Untie my right hand?
- [Jesse] Fuck you, Dave!
(upbeat rock music)
- Holy shit, I didn't believe the money
would actually be there.
Who was that dude who texted you?
- I don't know, man, and I don't care.
We got our money back
and that's all that matters.
- So what's the details?
What else we gotta know about this deal?
- The details are we show up, we drop the dough,
we grab our dip and we skip town.
What other details do you need?
Should we stop off and buy him a dozen roses?
Maybe a box of chocolates too while we're at it?
- Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
(tense electronic music)
- Hey man, we're here for Cyrus to pick up an order?
- Just wait here and shut the fuck up.
They're here.
- The hell did he get us into?
- This does not look good.
- He just told Darcy to shut the fuck up.
- Glad you can make it.
Right on time.
I dig that shit.
What the fuck are you doing with that RV?
- Yeah man, sorry.
It's the best I could do on such short notice.
But I think we can pack the shit in there.
- All right, where's the money?
- I got it right here.
- Perfect.
Joel, check it up, make sure it's fine
while I make my way down there.
They mean business?
- Yeah, it's all there.
- Good.
I like you.
I like you a lot.
You see how this man does business?
Straight cut and to the point.
First, you three need to step the fuck back.
This doesn't concern you.
Now this is how it shall always be.
You give me my money I give you your product.
See how easy that was?
Darcy here is a true businessman.
I think we can all learn from this endeavor.
Do you wanna see your product?
- Of course.
I hear it's some good shit.
- Straight off of the fields of Kentucky.
- Wow man, that is some good shit.
My boys here, they're my partners.
They'll be handling logistics moving forward.
I'm gonna share this with them real quick.
- Take your time.
We're almost done filling them boxes
and then we'll start loading them up.
Wait a second, Darcy.
I wanna ask you a little favor.
I'll be sure to make it worth your while.
- What kind of favor are we talking?
- Nothing too big.
Something you could definitely handle.
I just need you to take that pallet over there
to a buddy of mine in Arizona.
- What is it?
- Just behind schedule inventory.
(phone chiming)
- What's in the boxes?
- Just more dip.
I really need you to do me this little favor, Darcy.
I mean, you're a business man, you understand.
(phone chiming)
- [Darcy] Can I at least see what's in the fucking boxes?
- Who the fuck keeps texting you?
We're doing a deal here.
(clanging)
Ah damn.
You really gone and wasted some perfectly good product.
You weren't supposed to see that.
- Hey, hey, hey, listen.
We're just here to get the dip.
We don't care what else you're into.
Just take the money, we'll take the dip
and pretend like we never saw anything.
- I wish it were that simple.
Who the fuck are you talking to?
- I don't know, man.
I just keep getting random texts and random calls.
Thought it was a wrong number.
- You really think you can do a one over on me?
You got three seconds to tell me
what the fuck you're really doing here!
One, two!
- DEA, everyone put your guns down.
Everyone put your guns down now
or we open fire!
I repeat, everybody put your fucking guns down!
- We all know how this turns out.
(guns firing)
- [Chris] Go, go! (suspenseful orchestral music)
(gun firing) (siren wailing)
- [Jesse] Gate.
Open the gate!
- Hey, there's those motherfuckers right there!
Fuck them!
- Fuck, we're cornered, get under the fucking truck.
(guns firing)
(grunting)
(guns firing)
Oh god boys, I think this is it.
- What do you mean this is it?
(gunshots firing)
How the fuck did this happen?
- [All] Oh, shit!
- What the fuck, Darcy?
- Holy shit!
- What's the worst that can happen, right Darcy?
(guns firing)
Where the hell's he going?
What dude?
(gun firing)
- Motherfucker!
(grand orchestral music)
- Take that dick, you cocksucker!
- Clear.
(siren wailing) (police radio chattering)
Well, looks like you guys handled yourselves pretty well.
- Wait a second.
You're the fuck from the bar!
- Okay, I'll take that, cowboy, thank you.
- Oh.
You helped us get our money back in Vegas.
- What the hell man, you dirty bitch.
- What can I say, I just needed a little help
catching this guy.
Look I didn't expect it to go this far.
I had no idea an RV could go that fast.
We're just trying to figure out
where they package the stuff.
- What the fuck man, you used us, again!
We almost died!
- Ah, you didn't almost die.
We were watching you the whole time, you were fine.
This guy and his crew have been doing the same thing
for years, running drugs through legitimate businesses.
And now their new deal is apparently smuggling heroin
in dip cans.
That little favor you were gonna do for Cyrus
is worth about 26 million dollars on the streets.
And he was just gonna turn around and do it again
because the dip always comes back to him.
And you guys, well, you were gonna wind up
with four holes.
- Well shit.
Good to know law enforcement's doing their fucking job.
- What the fuck, Darcy? - Ow, shit.
- This guy is fucking dead!
Whoo.
- What the hell are we gonna do?
I just wanna grab my dip, get in the RV
and go the fuck home!
- Can I get this fucking bullet out of my arm first?
- We'll get that bullet out of your arm.
About that dip, I got bad news for you.
I know you guys have been through a lot
but unfortunately, we're gonna have
to confiscate the dip.
(all groaning)
It's now considered a Federal crime scene
and that's evidence.
So look, I'm sorry.
- This is bullshit!
- Tell you what I'm gonna do.
When all this is over,
I will pay you guys a visit.
Your country owes you a debt of gratitude.
All right, come on, let's get you patched up.
- So I know it's been a few months, boys,
but I'm glad you made it back here.
- Ah, yeah.
Needed some time to cool off from that damn dip run.
- Yeah, it's good to be back with you guys.
Let's party.
- Hey, as long as it's not transfusion night, I'm down.
- Fuck that place.
Right, let's just keep it low key,
have a few beers in my backyard.
No road trips for a while, boys.
(phone chiming)
Oh, shit.
Listen to this text.
"Don't go nowhere.
"I'm still listening."
Sorry.
- Ah shit.
I knew they were still listening in.
- Is that that asshole DEA agent again?
- Oh hell no.
I'd rather do the opposite of what that guy says.
I'm out.
- Whoah, where do you think you're going, cowboy?
- What?
What the?
- Oh, look at you guys.
So great to see that you're all back together again.
But then again I knew that, that's why I'm here.
Why don't you have a seat?
- [Darcy] What's bring you out here?
Our dip run days are over.
- I know, I know.
And believe me, I won't take up too much of your time.
I know you're all eager to have beer
in Darcy's backyard.
The bust that you helped us with
helped us to locate the main distribution hub
of 22 states.
The Federal Government confiscated about 1.4 billion dollars
worth of heroin.
And we made 236 arrests all over the country.
So on behalf of the US Government,
I am here to offer you a piece of the pie.
A reward if you will.
- Finally, what's the reward looking like?
- Yeah, show us the money.
- Well, don't get too excited.
It's probably not as much as you're hoping it is.
I did what I could, but it is the government after all
so in the end you're only gonna see
right around seven million dollars.
(exhaling)
- What?
(all chattering)
- And we got your dip.
And we're gonna set you up with a company
with legitimate distribution.
Here is the paperwork for your 10 year contract.
Oh, and before I forget.
Angel.
Angel's got to bring you,
yes, there we are.
Oh and everything you make after today
is going to be completely tax free.
That's something that I did for you
just because I like you.
So please for the love of God, don't embarrass me.
Don't make me regret that I did this, okay?
- Oh! - Dick!
- Holy shit.
Now that's how you do a dip run, boys.
(upbeat electronic music)
¶ Rambler ¶
¶ Come back home ¶
¶ I know ¶
¶ You're alone ¶
- [Both] B speed.
- [Man] 68 kilo, take one, marker.
And camera speeds.
- [Clapper] Scene 30 Bravo, take two.
- Hard time reaching that button in front.
- [Man] All right.
- I was talking about sex.
(laughing)
- [Man] Scene 30, Charlie.
Take one.
Got it.
Scene 30, Charlie, take two.
- [Man] All right, I really can't see your head.
You're gonna have to be a little more--
- Fuck, god damn, I knew it.
- On the lap, boy.
(laughing)
Face down.
(laughing)
- [Man] 46, Alpha, take two.
Slate real quick.
- [Man] Let me know when you're ready.
- [Man] Camera speeding.
- [Man] Open it, say again, 46 Bravo, take two.
Second sticks.
Go.
(laughing)
- I'm not a slater, bro.
(spitting)
- Wake the fuck up, Dave, we gotta go!
(spitting)
- What the fuck?
Is this dip spit?
Did you fucking throw dip spit on me?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Your mom fucking drop you on your head
when you're a child, what the fuck?
(spitting)
The fuck?
- Hey!
I'm meditating.
Hey, I'm medita...
(laughing)
(upbeat electronic music)
¶ Rambler ¶
¶ Come back home ¶
¶ You're in ¶
¶ Rolling Stone ¶
¶ Been on the road for a while ¶
¶ Looking at the dial ¶
¶ Drive another mile ¶
¶ Hard to see my family smile ¶
¶ Then my lifestyle ¶
¶ Cold case file ¶
¶ Like I feel like I'm on trial ¶
¶ What you gonna do ¶
¶ What you got to prove ¶
¶ Why you gotta move ¶
¶ They all disapprove ¶
¶ What is there to see ¶
¶ Here up in the breeze ¶
¶ Countin' all the trees ¶
¶ Freedom is the key ¶
¶ I was born to ramble ¶
¶ It's in my blood ¶
- [Jesse] I wanna get out of here.
- Dude you can't leave us right now, man.
- Yeah man, come on.
It's just a little bite.
- [Darcy] We're doing this to achieve the American dream.
Come on, your fans and everyone
are gonna love it.
(laughing)
Sometimes we go through--
(laughing)
Fuck.
We're doin'--
- [Man] Go back to the line,
go back to the line before, Chris.
- [Darcy] Yes sir.
(laughing)
- No.
- You just can't leave us like that, dude.
- Yeah, come on man.
(laughing)
What the fuck?
- [Jesse] Sorry guys, I'm sorry.
- Take that dick, you cocksucker!
You never fuck,
where were you, I'm falling on my back here.
(laughing)
- [Man] Action!
(groaning)
(woman giggling)
- That was definitely a fucking challenge.
- The hell happened to your shoes?
Okay.
- [Chris] Peabody here pissed his fucking pants.
- Great rape!
Great trip!
- I think I'm in love.
- You're in love?
- What a great girl.
- I don't want her, you can have her.
She's too c-c-crazy for me.
(grunting)
- [Chris] It's ridiculous, man.
(sighing)
She was hot though.
- What a nice lady.
Fuckin' nut job.
- What's the details?
What else we gotta know about this deal?
- [Darcy] Well, the details are, we show up,
we drop the dough, grab out dip,
and we skip town.
What other details do you need?
Should we stop off and buy him a dozen roses,
maybe a box of chocolates too, while we're at it.
- Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
Oh, chocolates?
I'm down.
(laughing)
- [Man] Um, yeah, cut.
- [Man] Speed.
- 17, take one, marker.
- [Man] Gonna have to look at your marks
when you walk in, fuckin' dummies.
- [Man] I'm using my peripheral vision.
- [Man] Quiet on set, please.
- [Man] Speed.
- [Man] Just go faster than him, Jessie.
- [Man] Mark it.
Sound speeding.
54 take two, marker.
- [Man] That's not gonna work.
- [Cameraman] Camera's set.
- [Man] Quiet on the set.
Action!
- [Chris] I'll go.
- [Jesse] Dude, you didn't pass me?
I was walking.
(laughing)
- [Man] Cut!
(laughing)
- [Chris] Wake the fuck up, Dave!
(laughing)
- [Man] Cut, reset!
- [Chris] Wake the fuck up, Dave!
- [Dave] Fuck!
(laughing)
- [Chris] Fuck you, dave!
- [Man] And follow the RV, follow me.
- I'm running?
Running, right?
Did he say running?
- [Man] Yeah.
- [Woman] Jesus, you guys, run, run, run.
- [Man] Okay.
- [Man] Speed.
Apple 63 Apple, take two.
- [Darcy ] You have no idea what I would've done to you
five years ago.
Let's get the fuck outta here, boys.
We got a dip brand to hit.
- [Jesse] Fuck you.
(Dave screaming)
- [Dave] Hey, Jesse.
Let me talk about your fart box.
(laughing)
(imitating fart)
- [Woman] Speeding, awesome.
- [Man] 16, three echo.
Take one, marker.
- [Man] Right here, right on the show.
Right here, ladies and gentlemen.
Right here, Ed Sullivan, here we go.
Let's get serious.
Jesse rub your tits for me.
Here we go.
All right, in character.
(exhaling)
It's okay.
Let's go ahead and do this.
Feel pumped.
Come over here and smack me around.
- Jesse, Jesse, please, wait.
Untie my right hand.
- Fuck you, Dave!
(laughing)
(upbeat electronic music)
¶ You choose to roam ¶
¶ Rambler ¶
¶ Come back home ¶
¶ I know ¶
¶ You're alone ¶
¶ Rambler ¶
¶ Come back home ¶
¶ You're in ¶
¶ Rolling Stone ¶
(keys jingling)
- [Man] Higher.
- Fuck me.
- [Man] Can we get the keys thrown again?
- Let's do it again.
- [Man] You're fucking fired.
- Put some zing on it.
(laughing)
Jesus Christ!
(laughing)
- We gotta get the fuck outta here!
There's inbreds trying to kill us!
(whimpering)
JD?
JD!
(grunting)
- [Man] Cut!
(laughing)
(grunting)
- [Man] Apple 20, Alpha, take three.
(grunting)
Apple 20, Alpha, take five.
- [Jesse] Oh.
- [Man] Just stay animated, guys.
So you're still kinda breathing still.
- [Man] Keep going, keep going.
- [Jesse] Oh god.
- [Man] Great!
- [Man] And flip your wrist a little bit for me, Jared.
Oh, jeez, oh.
- [Man] Cut scene.
You're looking to see what the...
- [Man] Jared.
- [Man] Jared, drop your hand a little bit.
- [Man] There we go.
Oh, now he's peed himself.
Oh, dear god.
- [Woman] Bottle.
- [Man] Are we still rolling?
- [Man] Still speeding.
- [Man] Shhh.
Still rolling.
Don't talk.
Action!
(laughing)
Cut.
- [Man] 21 November, take two, soft sticks.
Why won't you.
(laughing)
Second sticks.
- It's very soft.
Soft sticks.
- [Chris] Getting sick of freakin' cheddar Ruffles.
You like cheddar Ruffles?
I hate cheddar Ruffles.
- [Man] Yeah, you really hate it.
You destroyed the entire bag in like five minutes.
You must really hate it.
Tastes horrible.
(slurping)
- [Man] Cut.
(laughing)
- Oh shit!
There's a fucking boar out there!
- [Chris] Shit!
- [Darcy] We gotta go!
- [Jesse] Gotta get the hell out of here, go!
You're on my chips, asshole!
- Chill the fuck out, Jesse.
(all shouting) (Dave screaming)
- [Jesse] Go!
What?
(laughing)
Drive, now!
(all laughing)
Chips!
(upbeat electronic music)
¶ Rambler ¶
¶ Come back home ¶
¶ You're in ¶
¶ Rolling Stone ¶
- [Darcy] Hey, Dave.
I didn't take you for a man that dips.
What you dippin' on?
- [Dave] It's that new Whitetail tobacco-free nicotine dip.
I've dipped a lot of stuff
and that stuff's the best in the business.
- Mind if I try a little pinch?
- [Dave] No, go for it, but watch out.
That stuff packs a wollop.
It'll put you on your ass.
- Wow, that stuff is pretty good.
- [Dave] Told ya.
- Looks like Whitetail Smoke has got a new customer.
(spitting)
- [Man] 44, take one, marker.
(laughing)
Set.
- [Man] Action!
- Time to dip.
That's all.
- I know, man.
- [Chris] Hey, man, how you doing?
- [Jesse] Really, dude?
Out of anywhere you could piss, you piss next to me?
- [Chris] Chill, relax.
I've been having some real gaming problems, dude.
- [Jesse] I heard that.
(humming)
- [Chris] Are you looking at my dick?
(laughing)
What is that?
- [Jesse] What?
I don't know, man.
- [Man] What the hell are you doing on my property?
- I can barely freaking see you with that camo shirt on.
- I look good in this man.
- [Jesse] He kinda looks like an inbred.
Do you think he likes sausage.
- [Chris] I don't know, man, but he's getting closer.
- Thanks.
You look pretty good in yellow, man.
- Holy shit, dude, he has a freaking shovel.
Go!
(grunting)
Hey, hey!
(grunting)
Oh shit.
- You know what I bet I can pack four cans
quicker than you can pack one, Skippy.
- Are you freaking kidding me right now?
- Yeah?
Put your money where your mouth is.
I'm the king of dip.
- Well, I'm the god of dip.
- What?
I'm the Superman of dip.
- Well, where's your freaking cape then?
- Hey, no, I'm the juice of dip.
- [Jesse] Chris!
Oh, fuck!
No!
- Better yet.
- [Chris] Jesse get up.
- [Jesse] Ow, he's on me.
Get him off!
Get him off of me!
- [Chris] Get off!
- I'm the dip doctor.
- Does a dip doctor prescribe that sitdoll
on your freaking biceps?
- Fuck off!
You ready?
Let's go.
(grunting)
- Yellow, fuckin' help us, assholes!
- Go unlock the door.
Hey, what's up?
- What's up?
- Who's that guy?
- What the fuck, dude?
(laughing)
So bad.
- That was the worst.
(all chattering)