All right, all right!
I knew she was your sister!
But come on, man, I ain't the only one been ridin' that bus.
You're the forest ranger here.
You swore to protect everything in these woods.
She had to have anal rejuvenation surgery
'cause of you.
Forest Ranger Billy Teal,
my childhood friend and more recently my nemesis.
What we done...
Fran Andersen.
Without him, this story would be a lot more believable.
Was perfectly legal consensual sexual behavior.
She may be over 21, but she's not all there
and you know it.
Using your glasses was her idea.
I'm gonna shoot you
in your smart mouth Andersen
so you can't tell anyone what you did.
And who the hell am I gonna tell?
I ain't even from around here.
I told you to stay out of these woods.
And I warned you about my sister.
That's my honey.
Dammit, sorry, buddy.
Relax, killer, feel it.
There she is, the only woman I ever loved.
My wife, Carla.
What I can feel, honey, is you rubbing your junk
up against me?
My junk?
Don't you mean my cuddly little kitty?
Shoot those cans, tiger.
You gonna let those cans have their way with me?
Is that what you want?
The mother of your child passed around and ravaged
by some lecherous cans?
Okay.
All right.
Oh, Professor.
You saved me.
There's nothing out here that'll hurt you now, my love.
I love you.
It's dark.
Left brain wants some wine.
You know right brain's thinking about something else.
Not now, Professor.
The law of survival states
that if I don't get me some every day
right about this time, I will die.
No, no, no.
You're not going to die.
You know the woods brings out
the beast in me.
Stop.
You go get some wine.
Go.
How did you ever turn into a grown ass man
with your shit together with that thing calling the shots?
Go!
Cory, is that you?
Who's there?
Hello?
Oh, damn, I knew you were gonna do that.
Where have you been?
I was out communing with nature.
What is that?
It's a turd.
Gross, why didn't you just leave it in the woods
like the rest of the forest creatures?
Why is it so big?
Honey, it didn't come out of me.
Oh.
It also didn't come out of a bear.
I wanna know what made this.
Did you taste it, Professor?
Sweetie, you know I taste everything out here
except for my own pee.
Take the turd.
I don't really wanna take turd.
No, take the turd, it goes with the Merlot.
But I think you...
Take the turd.
Honey, honey, take the turd.
Thanks, you know the drill.
I'm gonna get some firewood.
- Mmm hmm. - Love you.
Mmm hmm.
You're not gonna scare me again.
I'm gonna beat you with this turd!
Stop messin' around!
Carla!
Carla, no!
No!
You bastard!
No, you fucking bastard!
♪ They say I'm gonna have to do ♪
♪ And you know it's sad but true ♪
♪ But there's worst things somebody ♪
♪ Mighty love, already know it's true ♪
♪ We said work ♪
♪ I do believe in ♪
♪ Work work ♪
♪ Doesn't believe in ♪
♪ Now I don't believe ♪
♪ Said I believe ♪
♪ Bigfoot doesn't believe ♪
Gotta get your stuff there anyways.
Hey, Gloria!
Let me get you home.
- It's not your fault! - Hello!
- Bye girls. - Bitch, gimme back my wig!
Bitch, gimme back my wig.
♪ Baby ♪
I need my wig back. ♪ How you sing ♪
Gimme this damn thing!
You be nice, huh?
Larry.
- How are ya? - Oh no you don't.
It's time to go.
Gloria Teal,
my best research assistant
and the daughter I never had.
And that's her daughter, Cassie.
Come on, Cassie, help Mommy.
♪ I like to swing, wear my boots ♪
♪ High heel cowboy boots ♪
♪ There's nothing you can do that I can't ♪
♪ And I believe in sleeping man ♪
♪ And crazy plans ♪
Pastor Evans, you're a mess.
Yes, I am.
And you peed your pants.
Yes, I did.
You don't need any more of that.
Did I tell you Casey's coming home?
I guess he'll be staying at the house?
He can sleep with the interns.
You sure he's not gonna mind
us being there?
You guys are the best damn assistants
I ever had next to Carla.
I have something really important
I need to talk to you about, okay?
Okay.
Oh.
There you go.
Yep, right there, let it out.
There you go.
Oh, you want me to hold your hair for you?
Easy, Grandpa.
You're gonna break a hip or something.
Hey, Professor Mathis.
I have something really important to talk to you about.
Just let me sit.
- Let me sit. - You can sit.
Just sit.
Come on, just tell me.
That little girl in there.
I love that little girl.
That little girl in there
might be your granddaughter.
I knew it!
Woo hoo!
- I'm not 100% for sure - I knew it!
- but I'm pretty positive. - You hear that now?
What's happening?
What's going on?
This is so freakin' great.
You are my granddaughter.
I knew it all along, honey.
Come here and give grandpa a hug.
Professor, you smell!
The first Bigfoot sighting was awful fantastic
made by Leif Ericson, upon reaching the new world.
But I guess we'll never really know the truth.
Certainly not this time, my friends.
So buckle your seatbelt, our story's about to unfold.
I'll tell you a tale what's never been told.
I am Professor Cory Mathis
and I was completely unprepared
for the public spectacle my life would become
after the event.
We're never prepared for the things we expect to happen,
let alone the things we can't explain.
♪ Heaven is when I get back with my baby ♪
Your a-hole ex was just here.
He said he'd never come back to this shit hole.
We had to remind him why this shit hole hates him.
This whole town is insane.
♪ Be online with ♪
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You better step away from me, you sad sack of shit.
Have you even considered shit.
I may have let it slip to your homo ex
about me an' you hookin' up...
Uncle Billy.
♪ It's no sin and no lie that I have done ♪
Somebody needs to fix that rug.
♪ Though we shoot in Hollywood ♪
♪ I always stay ♪
Cleanup on aisle three.
Jean.
Coffee please, okay?
I warned you about that Mathis.
Well, hi, nice to see you, too, Uncle Billy.
Some guy almost got caught in one of his traps
in the woods, just last week.
Damn near ripped his leg off.
Someone gets really hurt out there,
you'll be heading to jail.
Why aren't you wearing your glasses?
I got into a rub with that skunk Fran Andersen
and I shoved 'em up his ass.
You have been after him for a year.
Right up in his freakin' ass.
Can you just leave him alone?
You want me to leave him alone?
He's been sneaking into my house, molesting my sister.
Auntie Sissy?
No one's doing anything to her that she doesn't want.
He gave her the crabs.
She didn't want that.
Then I got 'em.
Well, maybe you should stop taking her dirty clothes
out of the laundry hamper.
Yeah well, what do you want me to do?
She keeps the clean stuff locked up.
Do you need anything else, Billy?
Maybe later.
Aren't you gonna say hi to your daddy?
Hey, Frank.
Jeanie, we're ready to order.
Okay, so, what about the Professor?
Can't you at least leave him alone?
You guys used to be friends.
Look, Gloria, you're my favorite niece
and I know you work for the Professor.
But I'm sworn to protect everything in that forest.
Every bird, squirrel,
tree, rock, gerbil.
- Okay, Uncle Billy. - Lion, tiger...
I understand.
Mexican.
The Professor and Fran are not gonna stop
until they find the creature
and clear the Professor's name.
There's no monster in those woods, period.
Jeez, this whole town is crazy.
♪ I'm working till whatever's on ♪
Crud, there's Andersen now.
Andersen!
I haven't seen you since the funeral.
And you're not gonna talk?
No one cares about your stupid monster hunt, Dad.
Look, I need your help.
I'm that close to proving my side of the story.
Story?
There is no story.
It's just people thinking that you're crazy
when you start talking about monsters or UFOs.
Well, they can think I'm crazy.
I know the truth.
I just don't understand why you couldn't have just said
it was a bear or something.
It wasn't a bear.
Want some of this?
Yeah.
It doesn't matter what people think anyway.
No, actually, you're wrong.
'Cause around here it does matter
what people think about you.
You know what I think?
I think you take yourself way too seriously.
It's always, me, me, me, with you.
And it's always you, you, you, with me.
Look, I loved your mother with my whole heart.
You know I never once made her cry.
She was an amazing woman.
No one believed me.
All the evidence just washed away.
So, you shot a squirrel's tail off?
It's out there right now.
The monster?
No, the tailless squirrel.
You can't take anything seriously.
That'll give 'em something to talk about.
People think people like us are wacko.
Hell, until it happened to me,
I thought people
- like us are wacko. - We're not just
some lazy trailer trash claiming
- to see it, okay. - Lilly, how do you know
it's just not
a frickin' hunter that didn't shave?
No, I know a hunter when I see one.
Went to go get a pizza when this big thing
crossed the road in front of us.
It was reddish and way too big for a bear or a dog.
- It was walking on two legs. - When our headlights hit it,
it just dove into the bushes.
I was like, oh my God!
I want a picture for my page.
So, I move forward
thinking I could get a back shot of whatever
- it was running off. - And all of the sudden,
- the thing jumps forward. - But it wasn't running.
- It was just hiding - And then hit the doorknob
- In the bushes. - And knocked my phone
right out of my hands.
LI slammed the truck into gear,
but it had hold of the truck.
I took one of the pizza boxes, tried beatin' it.
You beat it with a pizza box?
That's when he finally let go.
When we drove off, I could see him standing there
banging on his chest
and screaming like a wild man.
Hey, did we tell you
about the orange jumpsuit?
Yeah, it was wearin' a big ol' orange jumpsuit.
Let's do it right here.
That's the one.
Thanks.
Now stay right there.
There we go.
Okay.
Good?
How's that, is that good?
- Yeah, yeah, it looks good. - All right.
Hey, whatcha doing?
We're setting up game cameras.
You're not gonna shoot a poor little animal, are you?
Oh no, no.
I'm Professor Cory Mathis from the university.
I'm Professor Cory Mathis with the university.
I'm researching.
Is that your daughter?
Cassie, no, no, that's,
no, that's not my daughter, no.
Grandpa, can I have a word with you, like now?
Just um, it's good to meet you.
Seriously, kiddo, you're cramping my style, okay?
Can't you see she's pretty cool?
Oh, yeah, she's cool all right.
What color are her eyes?
Her eyes?
Can't you see what she's trying to do?
She's distracting you.
She's trying to dig for information.
She's probably some, like, government spy lady.
What?
Sure, she's out here all alone, not lost,
hiking with a wardrobe malfunction.
Yeah, that's real easy to believe.
It's not a wardrobe malfunction, okay?
She's out here hiking, it's super hot,
she bent down to unbutton and cool off a little bit.
A bit?
If she loses another button
something is gonna start nesting in there.
Get rid of her.
Now!
Sissy, I hate to ask you this and all
but I really need that sack.
You know I can't do that sack. I mean...
Billy would kill me.
That's his prize possession.
This is Sissy Teal,
Gloria's aunt and Ranger Teal's sister.
The sack they're talking about once belonged to a Sasquatch.
That's scientific evidence.
It deserves to be in a lab gettin' tested,
not sittin' on some weirdo's shelf.
Now, it really means a lot to me, Sissy.
Please, I'll do anything.
Anything?
Anything, just name it.
Marry me?
Hold this.
Now listen, as soon as you gimme that sack,
I'll call Pastor Evans and I will marry you.
Yes, yes, yes.
In the dishwasher?
That's gross.
I am sure we gotta go this way.
You positive?
- Yeah. - You're sure.
Yeah, positive.
All right, let's go.
I think it might work.
Stop.
I mean it feels dangerous.
Everything you're thinking
and feeling right now, stop.
You know how they do that on TV
when they light their farts?
No.
Do you think that works?
No.
- I wanna try it. - No.
It's just gonna be,
it's just gonna be, it's gonna be cool.
Lexi!
Where's your scientific curiosity?
Come on.
There is no scientific curiosity.
- I know what happens. - I'm gonna check it out.
- Check it out. - Now quit, Lexi.
Please stop before you kill us.
No, it'll be fine, just see.
Knock it off.
Don't do it again!
I feel a really big one coming.
Jesus, it stinks!
One more time.
Lexi, don't do it again!
Oh my God, get out!
Get out, get out, get out!
Now!
Lexi!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
What did I tell you?
- I'm sorry! - What did I tell you!
- I'm sorry! - You never listen!
Oh my God, I didn't know it was gonna do that!
Let's see.
What did I say?
Just 'cause it's on TV doesn't mean it's always right!
The hell?
♪ Ah ♪
Are you sure these are the right coordinates?
♪ Ah ♪
Okay, yeah.
Wow, yeah.
Lexi, look!
Oh my God, look.
It's tracks, it's everywhere.
Some sort of Sasquatch patch.
Ah.
♪ Ah ♪
I were you, I would hold off on making those casts.
Why?
What is that?
That is what's been making all of your tracks!
We've been hoaxed!
It's not funny, come on.
It's really good!
Come on!
It looks real!
Kill that alarm.
Gimme some room.
You heard the Professor, back on up.
What is that?
It moves like a skunk ape.
What's it carrying?
Everybody knows Sasquatch use tools now, Professor.
It's a sledge hammer.
Oh, shit.
It's the ranger.
There's no monster, you assholes.
Anybody want a martini?
Shit!
♪ Ah ♪
Hello?
Uh, hey, it's Gloria.
I heard you were back in town.
Are you there?
♪ Ah ♪
How'd you know I was back?
Look, I, can I come by and see you?
I have something I need to tell you.
What?
Just tell me now.
How much is this again?
37.50.
Look I'll come by there around noon, okay?
Listen, I'm really busy right now.
I'm elbow deep in work.
Can we talk about this later?
Hold on and don't move.
This is gonna hurt.
Oh my God!
Look at this thing!
Do you see the face?
Bigfoot would be jealous.
I mean, what about George Shinehuff?
I mean it coulda been him.
Uh, your father did a home DNA test a month ago.
They have home DNA tests now?
Yeah, it's kinda like a pregnancy test.
It's called Who's Your Daddy?
You the daddy.
And if you have anything else to ask about it,
why don't you go ahead and ask her yourself?
She's been following your page for a month.
If you and Mommy hook up, I could be the Maid of Honor.
I mean, maybe.
I guess.
I hear you been creepin' on my page.
Yeah, we all do.
You're funny, Daddy.
But some of the stuff your friends say is kinda nasty.
Oh, and sorry you broke up with your girlfriend.
I really don't think she likes you anymore.
But you don't look "limp as a noodle".
Kind of in shape I guess.
- Knock it off you two. - Quit strugglin'.
Lexi let him go.
You know your hair smells like Bigfoot's dick.
It's a damn lie.
You're lucky I got manners
otherwise I'd whoop the shit outta you right now.
With that tiny winky?
I ain't scared.
Keep on talkin'.
♪ Ah ♪
Woo ooh.
Shut up! ♪ Ah ♪
You're gonna scare everything away.
I swear to God, you are so dumb you would fall
into a barrel of titties and come out sucking your thumb.
Hoo ooh! ♪ Ah ♪
God!
That's what you get!
Come on, just stay focused.
Fuckin' swamp cracker.
Holy shit, that's a big foot.
Let's start with this one.
It's the best one I've seen in a while.
Oh my God, they go all the way up the hill.
Imagine that.
One time, back in 1967
a man named Patterson shot some film
of a hairy beast.
He fooled experts and scholars alike.
But did he really fool anyone?
And what about our hero, is he just telling a tale?
There's more story that needs to be spun.
Where in the hell she go?
Lexi, Lexi, where are you?
Lexi!
Hey there.
Oh.
Hey, who the hell is that?
Was that you making all that noise?
Why you grab your gun for?
I don't know.
I just ain't too keen on people sneakin' up on me
with a damn rifle.
That's mighty fine work right there, buddy.
Seen my assistant?
Female, blonde hair.
She's out here somewhere.
She's got a camera in her hand.
- Runnin' around in the woods. - Hey y'all.
I know every inch of this forest.
I can help you find her if you want me to.
Yeah, thanks.
We would appreciate your help.
What you doin' out here?
I'm a Bigfoot hunter.
No shit!
No shit.
We doin' the same.
Fran Andersen.
Rick Dyer.
This here is Professor Cory Mathis out of Missouri.
Hey, how you doin'?
I like that hat.
Thanks.
Well, so, you ever find anything out here?
All the time, man.
That's why I stay out here.
I been out here a long time.
Anyway, I love that beard.
Oh, it's a cum catcher.
Lexi!
Fran, go up there and check the outhouse for Lexi.
I'm gonna take the Professor in here to show him the radios.
Maybe we can get in contact with a ranger.
She can't be too far away.
Sounds good.
Fran, hurry back.
After you, Professor.
You live in here?
Lexi.
Lexi you in there?
Professor.
Rick.
Professor!
Professor, you in here?
I knew it!
Fran, shut the hell up.
Professor, that you?
Who the hell you think it is, you dumb hillbilly?
How in the hell we keep getting caught
in these situations?
Mornin' fellas.
Here's what I need you to do.
You're gonna take those duds off
and glue this fur all over your body.
Serial hoaxer, Rick Dyer.
I should've let Fran shoot his ass back in the woods.
Now you don't need to use too much glue.
That stuff works pretty good.
We're not gonna glue this shit all over us.
Have you lost your fuckin' mind?
How 'bout no!
If you don't start gluin' in the next 10 seconds,
I'm gonna have my way with her and blow
- her pretty little brains out. - Help me, Professor.
All right, all right.
We'll do it.
Now start superin'.
Please.
Do a good job.
Cover it all nice and even.
Think teddy bear, nice and cuddly.
He's got a fake-ass Bigfoot in that damn freezer.
And trust me, he ain't got no plans
on letting us tell anybody about nothin'.
Pull them sacks off.
Pastor Evans?
Who the hell are you?
You crazy bastard.
You pissed your fur.
Get your ass outta here.
Go, go!
Beware of the border patrol.
Come on, get out!
All right, godammit, I'm coming.
Get your ass over there, go on.
Lexi, Fran, is that you?
No one's gonna believe we're real Sasquatch
with this bullshit glued all over us.
You think I wanna kill you to have bodies to show?
That's messed up, man.
We're broadcasting a Bigfoot snuff film.
We have it live all over the planet.
Snuff film?
I ain't doin' anything with that nasty cracker down there!
He's probably got
some kinda saber tooth crotch crickets goin' on.
I see him scratchin' all the time!
I'd rather do the cameraman.
Snuff films are about murder not sex, you dumb skank!
We're using our all new
double NOT-76 video encryption system.
Ain't no one gonna be able to track us with this shit!
We're gettin' 850 a pop!
Huh, it's at 238 right now.
238, that's only $2,023.
This fucking fur and glue probably cost that much.
A snuff film with this kinda production value?
We're gonna make a killin' on DVD sales.
Ain't that right, fat boy?
Damn, boy, we're gonna be rich!
Yeah, ooh, woo!
I'll be gettin' payback on your ass, Dyer,
I guarantee that.
Whatever you say, Andersen.
Now, get your ass going, dickweed!
Y'all got 15 minutes
then I'm comin' after ya.
We're gonna be rich!
Hold up, I twisted my ankle.
I thought they'd find us by now.
Those two dumbasses couldn't find a safe space
on campus at UC Berkeley.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You hear that?
Come on, come on.
Whoa!
Hey!
Help, help us!
There's no monster, you assholes.
Was you injuns that stole the land from the Sasquatch
when you brought your asses
over from Russia 10,000 years ago.
You killed all of 'em off and you killed them mammoths
and saber toothed tigers, too.
And that's a fact.
You're an idiot.
Got them little bitty titties.
Yours is still little bitty.
I know somebody that likes my problem.
I ain't gotta force it in or spit on it as much.
What, do you think you could just run around my town
intoxicated and naked?
We got decency laws around here.
Some freak in a green suit darted us
and threw us in that dumpster.
I figured it was some type
of clandestine government agency
trying to cover this shit up.
Now, why would the government wanna cover up
your dumpster orgy?
We talking about a damn Bigfoot.
Those Men in Green make the creatures
wear orange jumpsuits so people think
they just hunters.
Baby, baby, baby.
Where are you, you hairy freak?
I can smell ya from here.
You lookin' for me?
You sure got some purdy lips.
Okay, I'm gonna turn you in for the $10 million reward,
how you like that, huh?
You just as cute as a baby bunny.
Now, let's you turn around,
drop them draws, baby.
I'll be gentle, just for you.
Nah, I'm just messin' with ya.
What the fuck is...
Why ain't you been takin' my calls?
I thought we may be able
to get to know each other better.
Maybe go over to Stevie's Burgers,
you know, hook up.
I, Ranger Billy Teal, have been harassed
on several occasions,
both mentally and sexually, in the workplace
by a monster in the woods.
In my section of the forest, in the past few months,
I have been stalked, terrorized,
and humiliated without provocation.
Um, yeah.
My big brother keeps getting beat up
- in the woods by something - Are you gonna
help me or not?
that technically doesn't exist.
You're a ranger.
You can't go around talking about monsters in the forest.
They're gonna fire you, bro.
I have to do something.
He can't get away with this.
Look, I rarely ask you for anything.
Just listen and tell me
if it sounds official, okay?
What do you want me to do?
I want you to listen and tell me
if it sounds official!
If you want me to help you,
you gotta tear up this piece of paper.
Okay fine.
But if it happens again, I'm going straight to headquarters
and I'm filing an official report.
There he is.
Why can't we let the city guys take care of this?
We have to take care of it.
Scoop him up!
No, that's a city raccoon.
It's a forest creature.
It's our responsibility to scoop him up.
I'm pretty sure that's a city raccoon.
Scoop him up.
All right.
Forest creature.
Andersen!
Stop!
How the hell are you doing that, Andersen?
I got a big bladder.
I can go all day.
You better stay back.
I'm more than just a ranger now, okay?
You don't even know who you're messin',
fuck you, fuck.
Oh, God, God, it stinks.
What the fuck have you been eating?
What the hell?
I told you coffee and cream.
We don't need no coffee or cream, man.
We're both gettin' fat.
Now, come on let's get the hell outta here.
- That little bastard - Oh shit!
stole something from my room last night
and I want it back.
Fran, if you took something of his, just give it.
What were you doing at his house anyway?
His sister.
He's got my sack.
Sack?
My Bigfoot balls.
You heard him right,
Bigfoot balls.
When we were kids, Billy claimed that he cut the sack
off of a dead Bigfoot and now Fran has them.
Those are scientific evidence.
They don't need to be sittin' on some freak's shelf.
They need to be in a lab gettin' analyzed.
Aw, come on, Billy.
You still have the nut sack?
Yeah, it's right around here somewhere.
Man, Billy, what the hell's wrong with you?
Why'd you take its balls?
I had to get some proof.
Dude, are those your underwear?
Yeah, I had to hang them up so I could find my way back.
Those are girl's underwear.
Wait, you wear your sister's underwear, don't you?
Girls' underwear is more comfortable.
All right, whatever, where the hell is it anyway?
I swear, it was right here.
It was laying here dead as shit.
I cut his balls off with this knife.
Just like the one that attacked my mom
when I was a kid.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ooh.
- Billy, no, no. - No, Mommy, we gottta
- kill the monster. - No, Billy, no!
Are you okay?
It's okay, Billy.
I know you won't understand this right now,
but that was your father.
You're 1/4 Bigfoot,
- Bigfoot, Bigfoot, Bigfoot. - Hey, dipshit,
what the hell's wrong with you?
Hey, what the hell's wrong with you, dipshit?
Dipshit!
Hey, dipshit!
Fran would you give him back his Bigfoot balls?
They better both be in there.
Oh, let me see.
Oh, gross!
Touched my lips.
Here take this shit, you freak.
And if I catch you around my sister again
you're gonna be sorry.
In 1924, a man was taken captive.
The creature carried him some 30 miles
before he was let go.
They did unspeakable things,
too ugly to be told.
Maybe the same for our forest ranger Billy Teal?
And when there's none in the forest to hear,
do we keep it quiet or squirm and squeal?
Yes, I'm here.
Hello, my little doe.
How you been?
Hey, who the hell is this?
This is a government phone line.
It's me, baby.
Your friend from the forest below.
I heard you been talking about me
even though you promised you wouldn't.
Got me feeling all hurt and betrayed inside.
I thought I could trust you with our little secret.
I didn't tell anyone.
Don't go lyin'.
I know right where you live.
You don't wannna get on my ugly side.
Ranger Teal here.
I'm trapped in a tree.
My rifle's out of reach and my sidearm's
in the truck.
I need help here.
You want your rifle?
I'm gonna turn you in for that reward.
They're not gonna believe you.
Tell the commander I need help.
And I'm just gonna come after you.
Ranger Teal.
Let's talk about how you gonna keep
- all these people - Billy Teal.
outta my side of the forest.
What is it with you people?
I've told you a thousand times.
You know who I am.
As soon as that thing
caught my scent.
His thing stuck out from under his fur full sail.
She always has this problem
with the males.
You know she has the oversized lady mounds
or the EECT.
You know, extremely enlarged camel toe.
We think this has something to do
with all this male attraction.
I mean, it transmits some sorta sex signal
all these male creatures just find irresistible.
I mean, we can't hardly go anywhere.
When we go to the park and there's dogs following her around
trying to hump her leg and I'll see women
shielding their children's eyes,
and a homeless guy tried to grab at it one day.
Here's another true story.
We were out at that park that day
and we had our blanket all out, havin' a nice picnic,
eatin' our chicken, everything's going just fine.
And outta nowhere comes this tailless squirrel
and just runs right up and just starts humpin' it.
I didn't know what to do!
I couldn't do anything about it.
I mean, it was, it was just there, and it was goin' at it.
And it, I couldn't, there was nothing for me to grab onto.
It had no tail!
I, I couldn't even fling it off of me.
I just, it kept trying to bite me
every time I tried to grab it
and I, I just had to wait until it was done.
I mean that was my favorite pair of jeans,
I had to throw them away.
I mean, I, they were ruined.
I'm gonna fall.
Wow, you really are strong for a banana.
Just walk!
Ow!
You wanna come and help us or something?
- No. - Gods sakes, somebody's
gotta show you dumbasses
how to put it together.
Fran's mom is so hairy,
he almost died of rug burns at birth.
Don't mind Fran.
He's just mad 'cause his mama's so hairy
her titties look like coconuts.
Fran's mama is so hairy that Bigfoot went down on her,
had to be cut out!
You need more C4.
Hell'd you learn to make a bomb at?
A drive-thru in Libya?
Are they gonna blow us all up?
Oh, I'm sorry, darlin', I didn't mean to offend.
Keep touchin' me, keep touchin' me I'm gonna detonate
the sumbitch right now.
Oh, all right.
- You see these? - Do what you fuckin' want.
Those are motion detectors.
Now, when it comes into the capture zone,
it's gonna trigger the charges
that makes the cage drop down.
Like the ACME Cage Company?
Now, when that happens, it's going to immobilize the beast
by throwing its tasers out.
What the hell is that?
This right here?
This is dirty gym socks, bloody menstruation,
and the sweat of a woman.
Sasquatch finds it uber sexy.
Hell, we get it all from Gloria.
Oh, ow, godammit!
Crazy bastards.
- Get this shit outta me! - Hey guys,
it's not funny.
What?
You know those are barbed tips.
Oh fuck!
I'm gonna have to cut 'em out.
Hey, can we get just a little more focus here guys?
She's right, skankasaurus.
I told you not be bringing these damn retards around here.
Somebody was gonna get hurt!
You have personal space issues.
Okay, knock it off.
Get you some of that bitch! Can we please
get the barbs out of Casey's leg?
- Maybe? - All right.
I want to do this.
This is gonna hurt.
You want something to bite on?
Are you insane?
You're insane!
You're crazy!
Everybody's fucking crazy!
Go ahead.
Check, Grandpa.
Not this time, kiddo.
No way.
Casey get me a martini, nice and dry, no olives.
Actually, hold the vermouth, too.
I'll get it.
Go.
I like it here.
I wanna live here.
I wanna raise my babies here.
Why didn't you tell me about the kid?
The kid?
Your daughter?
Her name's Cassie.
And I don't know, I was 19.
You wanna know the truth?
I didn't know if she was yours.
But your father knew as soon as he looked at her.
And I wanted to tell him,
and I wanted to tell your mom,
but I was scared, and I didn't wanna ruin
your precious life.
You fucking happy?
Maybe you need to give me another chance?
♪ Bought me a blue boutonniere ♪
♪ Wore a pretty pink gown ♪
♪ And you promised me pearls ♪
♪ Match my prom queen crown ♪
♪ You're a real big man ♪
♪ In your mama's minivan ♪
♪ Slipped off my shoes ♪
♪ Ruined my dress ♪
♪ Excited I guess ♪
♪ Still can hold your booze ♪
Hey!
Do you mind?
I am trying to sing a song here!
♪ 10 years, you still can't get it right ♪
♪ We ain't makin' love, we fight ♪
♪ So, don't you get the wrong idea about us ♪
♪ Don't you get the wrong idea ♪
♪ 'Bout what's going on here ♪
♪ Just because we're doing this ♪
♪ Doesn't not make you ♪
♪ An asshole or make me care ♪
Gloria, what the hell are you doing?
What time is it?
You said you wanted a chance.
♪ Doesn't not make you an asshole ♪
♪ Or make me care ♪
That's for making me fall in love with you
in the first place.
And that's for running off and not coming back.
That is for leaving right after the funeral
- when your father... - I swear to God,
if you slap me one...
Okay, so what is all this?
Is this you giving me a chance now?
Well, you want some of this or not?
♪ At night passing first the fool ♪
♪ You ain't even hear that beat ♪
While Gloria and Casey were getting reacquainted,
Fran and I slipped off to a Florida swamp for an interview.
Woo ooh!
Man, I remember that waterfall right there.
We gettin' close.
The same waterfall we passed two hours ago.
No, Professor, it's a different waterfall,
I promise you.
No, that's the same waterfall, Fran.
I'm telling you I know
- what I'm talking about. - Look.
Why don't you ever...
Look.
Doesn't that belong to you?
I guess it does.
Dammit.
Why couldn't you bury it?
Hey, Professor, if that old witch catches us
trying to ambush one of her swamp apes,
she gonna put the whammy on us.
(rifle clacking
Get them hands
up in the air.
Drop them packs and rifles.
Francois Andersen, is that you, boy?
Hey now listen...
I told you not to be coming back here, boy.
This here is Professor Cory Mathis out of Missouri.
He's a Sasquatch researcher
and he's just got a few questions for you.
- That is all. - I oughta shoot
your ass right now.
We don't want any trouble at all.
Now, I am a real Sasquatch researcher.
I know you call them skunk ape down here.
All I really wanna do is come inside and meet you,
talk about your pets, that's all.
All right then.
You come on in.
But don't you do anything stupid.
How's that for southern hospitality?
I think something died up inside you.
Lactose.
Oh man.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Why not go after the 10 million bucks bounty?
You could stay out here forever,
fix this place up and buy a ton of grapes.
Is that why you're here?
No, ma'am, that's not why I'm here.
All I really wanna do is expose the truth.
That's why he's here.
Oh, come on now.
I thought we was past all that.
Dude, dude, come on.
Ma'am, no I don't, I don't need the money.
I'm, I just wanna show the truth.
You just enjoy this tea and eat your chicken.
Thank you.
My babies will be around shortly.
Here's to Sasquatch.
Yes, sir.
Man, this tea is good!
- Shh. - What do you want?
It's got my arm again!
Come on.
Come on, Fran!
Fran!
The creature almost tore Fran's arm off again
and we lost all our supplies.
Come out when
- they wanna time. - It was time to limp back
the the Ozarks.
Real nice lady.
Her husband was
a double agent.
He worked for the CIA
but he was really working for the KGB.
They're here, they're here!
Come on!
Grandpa.
Something's in the trap, we saw it.
Oh yeah?
You sure it wasn't a bear?
It's in the trap!
I'm bushed.
Dad and I both saw it before we lost the video feed.
It's bipedal but definitely not a bear.
You didn't see it did you?
Yeah, I saw it!
And I can't believe it.
It's in there and it's trapped
- and it's getting shocked. - Okay.
Fran, I need you to organize the crew.
Get the entrapment equipment together.
Cassie, call your mom.
Tell her to prepare the containment unit.
Let's go.
You guys have no idea what you're going to face.
This thing has been trapped and getting shocked
for the last 20 hours.
It's gonna be pissed.
If it's anything like what Fran and I just encountered,
we have to be careful.
I'm here to capture it, not kill it.
What are you guys standing around for?
Let's go!
Cory.
Uncle Billy, hold still so we can get you disconnected.
Stop calling me Uncle Billy, godammit.
No family of mine is stupid enough to hang out
with a bunch of quacks and hoaxers.
Billy Teal, what the hell you doin' in my cage?
No one is going anywhere except jail.
I'm throwing all the books at you.
Like taking 'em all off the shelves.
Every single book at the library
and I'm just chucking 'em right at ya!
Well, we're all gonna need prison names.
We can call Fran Tossed Salad.
We can use the prison bitch name generator online.
I'm gonna kill you.
Will you hold still so I can frame this up?
Wait a minute.
Looks like we got us another one.
How the hell'd
you get in there anyway?
I think he peed on me.
Take it off and take...
Billy, hold still and we'll get you disconnected.
No, no, I love it!
I'm covered with electrical burns and bug bites.
I'm severely dehydrated.
They've had me off my meds for two days.
You're supposed to be a professional, a scholar.
I'm putting you on the U.S. Forest Service no-use list
of Mark Twain Forest.
You brought all this on yourself, Cory.
Professor Mathis,
as you know, Ranger Teal was seriously injured
while you were conducting
your university-sanctioned experiments
in the Mark Twain Forest.
You should be careful what you say right now.
You know how I got hurt.
Gentlemen, please.
This board hasn't sanctioned anything in the forest.
Billy, you've really taken it too far this time.
Professor, please.
You are being indicted on assault, conspiracy,
and poaching on federal property.
The university has no reason to believe
the work you are doing in the woods
is for your modified corn research
and we are assuming that you haven't been using
your funding for that.
You don't understand.
Why is a professor of agricultural genetics
wasting university funding to search for turds
in the forest?
But it sure as hell don't belong to Bigfoot.
Okay, all right, Burns.
The most compelling evidence of all involves
the sequencing of mitochondrial DNA which proved 100% human.
My neck was nearly broken in two.
My hands are burnt up.
President Burns, can you do something
about the projector please?
We have no alternative.
To what?
We are asking for your resignation, effective immediately.
And fire me?
Just like that?
Yep.
How'd I do?
Perfect.
Blanket the town with these.
We need to shut the forest down.
Yes, sir.
Uncle Billy, you stop right there!
What do you want, little boy?
I would like to speak to you about the charges
brought against Professor Mathis.
Wait, who are you?
Are we related?
Don't act like you don't know me, Billy Teal.
I'm here to demand that you drop the charges
against my grandfather, Professor Mathis.
Mathis is a dangerous lawbreaker.
I spent nearly 20 hours in one of his traps.
No food, no water, no sandwiches.
That was unfortunate.
He coulda brought me a sandwich.
But I know you trapped yourself on purpose.
I saw you in the video.
You're just trying to sabotage us for no reason.
I'm a certified agent of the U.S. government.
You can't speak to me like that, all right, kid.
Now stay out of my forest.
Missouri Fish
and Ornithology, just a glorified Girl Scout
out littering the forest with no littering signs.
Do you even have a permit to post those flyers?
You are something else!
Think you know everything, don't ya?
Guess what, you don't know diddly squat!
Well, I know things about you, Billy Teal,
like you do nasty things
- online, weird things. - What, what?
How would you like it
if I sent this hacked material to Wikileaks?
You can't blackmail me.
I can and I will unless you drop those charges,
Billy Teal, and start acting like family.
Man, you got a smart mouth.
What I do in my free time is my business.
I'm an adult, K?
Adults do what they wanna do.
Smart mouth?
Yes, I may have a smart mouth only because I think
before I speak.
You do whatever you like, little fella.
Hey!
That's littering!
I could give you a citation for that.
In 2001, I was a firefighter.
There was a terrible fire
on the Arkansas-Missouri border.
We found an animal
that was badly burned.
It was big like a bear
but it wasn't a bear.
We wrapped it in wet towels.
We did everything we could to try and save it
but it didn't make it.
The vet got all freaked out working on it
like it was just way too human.
He demanded a doctor to come in.
He said, "This ain't no animal."
Was it wearing orange?
It was nothin' like that Patterson film.
And then they took me to this room where a medical panel
tried to explain to me how burns could disfigure a bear
to look like a human.
And then these guys in green showed up
and forced me to sign paperwork
that said what I saw indeed a fried bear.
You know, kinda like those Men in Black guys.
Why is your car so loud?
Driver, shut the vehicle off and step out now!
After a while, they started accusing me
of starting the fire.
Do you need me to call the cops?
After interrogating me for two days,
they finally let me go.
Driver, shut it off!
It was a classic coverup.
There's an urgent top secret mission
and I think you're ready for it.
The report here shows that you deal pretty regularly
with a special resident in your forest.
Resident?
A special resident.
Oh, yeah, you mean Bigfoot.
I can tell I can count on you to handle this.
Anything to be part of the team.
Billy, have you seen my blue underwear?
Sis, I'm on the phone.
According to our intel there are two more residents
expanding their territory.
I haven't seen...
For the safety of the public and the program,
we need you to take them out.
Take them out?
We need you to liquidate the residents.
You do this and I'll put a recommendation
to bring you into MIG.
Now, how does that sound, Agent Teal?
Did you say agent?
Don't let me down.
Hey, dipshit.
We got a text you needed You-Ber.
No, don't need a You-Ber.
Go away.
You're still paying for us driving out here.
Yeah, and I gave your service a one-star rating.
Oh, and driver arrived drunk.
- Drunk? - Drunk, my ass!
I don't like you.
Soon as you go back to Chicago, me and your girlfriend
will be laying down together.
You know that, big boy?
Leave Gloria out of this.
Make me.
What the hell did you do that for?
That was really, really, cold, man.
A sucker punch.
Never saw that shit comin'.
I think I just got a chubby.
I think we just saw you grow into a man
right here before our eyes.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just need a ride.
I gotta find my dad
and I said some really crappy shit to Gloria.
Well, get in, bro.
Really?
Oh, we're all friends now and shit.
You know, you gotta be careful
not to hurt the ones you love.
See, we're not bad people.
We're happy to give you a ride.
Good luck, dipshit!
And we better get a good review or we're gonna take a dump
on your front porch.
Wait, my bag!
I'm gonna take a dump on your porch!
This whole town's crazy.
Get over it.
#Dipshit.
♪ When I get back in my baby's arms ♪
♪ Hell, that's when I have to shake the time ♪
♪ In my years and neon lights ♪
♪ And all night bars ♪
What are you doing?
♪ I will get a little heaven's on my mind ♪
Feeling sorry for myself.
Look at those assholes.
They're talking about me.
Who gives a shit about them?
They don't understand what you're doin'.
♪ Well I couldn't ♪
♪ I couldn't wait there ♪
This isn't about proving some creature
walks around in the woods, all right?
♪ This has been the life that I've chosen ♪
This is about the people that are around you,
who understand you, and believe in you.
I believe in what you're doin'.
I believe in you, Dad.
Screw those jealous bastards.
♪ Well, I know, I couldn't ♪
You know what?
I'm gonna find that creature and I'm gonna kill it.
Come on.
♪ This has been the life ♪
- ♪ That I have chosen ♪ - Go get 'em, Cory.
This ignorant no good piece of fuckin' shit!
We just bought this thing like two days ago!
Mom, I told you
a hundred times, it's not my baby.
Yeah, all right.
Love you, bye.
Dammit, Simon, dammit, Simon.
Goddammit, look what the hell you did!
Damn, you got blood
on my shirt.
On your shirt!
You cut off my thumb!
Go to the truck, some duct tape, and some super glue.
It's not the first time you cut something off.
I'll cut something
- of yours off! - And it sure as hell
won't be the last.
And you forgot your thumb.
Kiss my ass.
Don't be such a pussy about it.
Gimme the tape, tape.
Gimme the damn tape!
More tape, come on.
Gimme a damn wipe.
Hurry up!
There he is with our money.
Now I maybe get some stitches.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't douche and bag.
'Bout time you got here.
What'd you do to your thumb?
Well, you cut it off, you glue it back on.
Same shit, different day.
Here you go.
What the hell is this?
You said a thousand dollars.
It's in the bear, asshole.
Ah.
Do you think this is gonna be big enough?
Why do you think that green suit guy
is so secretive about all this?
Damn, look what you made me do.
You made me sew my fingers together.
I didn't do anything.
You're the one
- that cut my thumb off! - You sure as hell did.
You made me lose my concentration, that's what!
The only thing you can concentrate on
is pushin' a fart out.
I don't know why I signed on on this frickin' job.
Could be back at home watching football.
Instead I'm tramping around the fuckin' woods
looking for a goddamn Bigfoot.
What's up, little fella?
What happened to your tail?
Bigfoot get it?
Oh shit, that MIG was right.
There's two of them.
I shoulda brought my glasses.
Oh, fuck.
Oh fuck.
He never smiles.
Ranger Teal's saying one of you
put the Shinehuff's up to it.
To what, getting shot?
He said you claim there's a human-like creature
living in the woods and you had the Shinehuffs
dress up like Bigfoot
to collect the $10-million bounty.
And you're in a big pile of bear shit
unless you start answering our questions.
Nobody's accusing you of anything.
We're just trying to find out what happened.
Someone reported seeing Fran Andersen
hand the Shinehuff brothers an envelope
filled with cash the other day.
That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
An envelope full of cash?
How 'bout an envelope full of $23,
payment for them fools mowing my lawn.
You could be headed to federal prison.
You know what happens to a guy like you in prison
on the first day?
10 Bigfoot-sized, unshaven convicts do you up the ass
just to see the look on your face.
Okay, I think we're done here.
If you hear anything just let us know.
Fuckin' weasel.
You know he's crazy, right?
Where do you find these people?
Next thing you know
you start hearing fucking stick butts and shit
and you can see his eyes
and I'm sitting under the tree
waiting on a Bigfoot to come out.
Don't shoot this motherfucker.
God!
Ow!
Police showed up in time to stop the bleeding
and they rushed me
to the hospital where them doctors
down there, they sewed my arm back on and such.
I mean I even got a little bit of movement
in my fingers right now.
Dude, there's nothin' wrong with this footage.
All we need is to hire three actors,
fur 'em up, and shoot the reverse.
How you figure that?
We don't even have anything.
All we have is stuff of them running off.
How we gonna pay back our investor.
My uncle's pissed!
You two have to be the dumbest idiots on the planet.
A Bigfoot snuff film, really?
I'm Agent Jones with the U.S. Secret Forest Service.
I'm going to give you a chance
to work for us and avoid going to prison.
You don't wanna go to prison do you?
Our first target will be Cory Mathis.
Some people call him the Professor.
Have I told you
about my plan B?
If my show doesn't blow up, I will begin production
of my flatulence filtered underwear.
You're gonna make fart filtering underwear?
Yeah, just for women.
Normal lace panties
with my patented built-in carbon filtered insert.
There'll be three flavors to choose from:
lavender, lilac, and French vanilla.
And who doesn't like French vanilla?
Chocolate wouldn't be good, buddy.
I'm calling it Dior-deizer.
I already have the name trademarked
and the website secured.
Here's my tagline.
Dior-deizer, putting your best scent out there.
He did what with the rabbit?
I think I see our target.
Get ready.
Holy Jesus.
Ya fuckin' lunatic!
What the hell's going on?
My name is Director Loretta Best.
You double crossing weasel.
He's the one that set me up.
No one set you up.
You eliminated the wrong target.
What the hell is this all about?
I'm not a killer.
We can clean this whole mess up for you.
We just need you to be on board.
We're gonna give you a clean record, promotion to MIG,
and a $5-million bonus.
We still believe in you.
We're putting in motion a plan
that will end their monster hunt.
What about my brother?
Same deal for him.
Mr. Smith here will fill you in on the details.
Do you have any questions for me?
You're makin' me a Man in Green?
Awesome!
Okay, so if we're the Men in Green,
and you're the Woman in Green, W-I-G,
that makes you the big wig?
You're the big wig.
Get to work, gentlemen.
She's the big wig, right?
Is that a poly blend?
What?
I just met with the MIG guys.
We have their guarantee for full agent status.
That's $10 million,
five million each.
All right, there's no frickin' way I'm wearing this thing.
You just need to draw them out.
I'll take care of Andersen.
And MIG, they'll create a hoax, bump off Mathis,
take care of the rest.
What do you mean a hoax?
That's what they do.
They cover up everything by creating hoaxes.
They create a fake UFO sighting,
then they cover up the real one.
It's freakin' brilliant.
What about Gloria?
No harm can come to her.
Hmm, they've guaranteed immunity for her.
It's Andersen they want.
All right, Billy, I'll do it, but if I get shot,
you're gonna have to live with it the rest of your life.
You wanna get ice cream?
You're payin' this time.
Can I borrow five bucks?
Funny.
I've got a video on my phone of a creature in the forest.
It is most certainly Bigfoot.
Well, why don't you go ahead
- and let me take a look - Yeah?
at what you got there?
You see this?
What is this, boy?
You mean to tell me you got footage
of a Bigfoot takin' a dump?
What's the deal with that rabbit?
Let me guess.
Bigfoot used that bunny to wipe his ass with?
That's exactly what he did.
And I know footage like this is worth a lotta money.
So, I need to make sure that I'm sharing it
with somebody that I can trust.
Uh, you ever had Missouri Boiled Beef?
No, I haven't.
You in for a treat, boy.
Right this way.
All right, all right.
Why don't you go ahead and give it a stir.
There's enough meat in there to feed an army.
Almost.
Pastor Evans, Pastor Evans!
What's going on here?
- Step aside. - What is going on?
What is going on, Pastor Evans?
Step aside.
I'm only gonna tell you one time!
Pastor Evans, are you all right?
Pastor Evans!
Comment.
It's racism is what it is.
- It's religious profiling. - You get over here!
The first amendment of the Bible
says that a man of God shouldn't be
- treated like this. - Shut your ass up!
I don't need no fake news reported on me.
I'll tell you my story.
Your story.
Pastor Evans!
You let me out of here!
Let me outta here!
Pastor Evans!
Let me out.
Pastor Evans!
Pastor Evans, you let me outta here, Pastor Evans.
Well, that's not good.
He's goin' to jail.
Ranger Bobby, make sure you wear the suit.
I want this to be our best hoax coverup yet.
I want you to take Mathis out.
You read me, Dryer?
We need some of that tracer ammo.
Yeah.
That scares the pee outta people.
Hey, Don, tell Melania it's gonna be fine.
Nothing to worry about.
Yeah, we'll get the kids together sometime.
Make it great.
Talk to you later.
Gotcha, you bastard!
Yes, I'm comin' to get your ass!
Fran?
What's goin' on?
Fran took off alone.
The camera is down at the trap.
Jesus.
I think my balls got fused together.
Suppose you want out of there?
This better work.
I got burns all over me.
Dad's in town.
We need to act fast!
Grandpa needs our help!
Cassie, you are gonna stay here
and you're gonna man the monitors.
Do you understand?
Get up here now!
Thank you, very much.
- I love you, go. - We are wasting time here.
You know what, James, why don't you shut up
and make sure this time you don't get trigger happy
and shoot something you're not supposed to.
Hey, we're not stupid, you know.
Who is that?
This?
Yeah.
This is my boyfriend Jamal.
Bring it in, baby.
His grandmother made it with a Bigfoot in 1960.
Nevermind, nevermind.
Jesus Christ.
Get in the woods.
Let's go, come on!
Let's find the Professor
and see what the hell is going on out there.
Go, go, go!
Don't you influence...
Jesus, get in the truck!
Watch the gun!
Where's James?
Are you looking down my,
are you looking down my shirt?
Jamal!
- Jamal! - I just turned my,
but she's lyin'.
This perve was looking down my shirt!
Control your man.
Go!
Hey, hey, I didn't do shit!
No fighting.
Y'all are some racist shit.
- That's what it is. - Really?
Yeah.
At this point, they're just a band of renegades.
This sort of thing happens all the time
in the forest around here.
But there's no time for chillin'
with that wild animal so near.
So lock those loads and cock that nine.
As I see it there's only two ways this all plays out.
That's all I got for now, you know what I'm sayin'.
Green light, green light.
Proceed with Operation Peek-A-Boo.
I repeat, proceed with Peek-A-Boo.
Roger that.
Peek-A-Boo's a go.
I need you to stay here with the tracking dart.
Damn, bro, what the fuck?
Put the mask back on.
When they show up, I'll take Andersen out
then radio the MIG.
They'll bring in the hazmat to clean up the carcass.
Shh, shh.
Come on, I'm getting it tonight.
Professor.
Professor come on.
The GPS says this-a-way.
Goddammit, nothing.
Was that necessary?
I'm bleeding.
202 this is...
Light it up, boys.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Before we go any further, everyone,
we should go ahead and split up.
Make sure to keep your safety's on though.
We don't want anybody getting hurt.
That was me.
My bad.
Geez, golldangit!
This is Little Boy Blue calling.
We're taking live fire at our POZ here.
What the hell do we do?
Little Boy Blue,
you are to proceed with the operation.
They are almost on your POZ.
When you see the Professor, take him out.
Geez, golldangit!
You no good low down skunk of a man.
Sissy, what the hell are you doing?
Oh, did you forget your promise?
"Oh, I'll go call Pastor Evans
"as soon as you give me Billy's sack."
Oh, come on I didn't actually
say it like, oh!
Oh God!
Okay, okay.
I'm gonna hurt you like you hurt me.
Sissy, please just let me, ow!
All right, all right!
Just let me go.
I'll call Pastor Evans.
He's somewhere in these woods.
Just let me go.
I promise, I promise, Sissy!
All right.
All right, but you better not be messing with me.
Fooled ya, heffer!
I am shit balled.
Hell do?
Oh shit.
Rick.
What?
It's the creature, Billy!
Shoot him!
- Shoot him! - Bobby!
We can't, we can't shoot him.
Right there, Billy.
Shoot him.
Bobby, watch out!
Billy!
It's an ambush.
Come on this way.
They got us surrounded.
Stay low!
You coulda just said something, Lexi!
Hey bunny, don't get shot.
Mom, can you hear me?
Gloria, get the hell outta there!
I'm gonna kill you, Andersen.
I ain't dyin' by no serial hoaxer.
I got karma on my side.
Leave God out of it.
This is between me and you.
Fuck you!
Fuck you three times and plus five!
What the hell?
It's racism.
It's...
Get the hell outta here, you drunk bastard.
You pissed all over yourself.
Get behind me.
I'm trying to kill this man!
You shot me, asshole!
You get what you get, you damn hoaxer.
I'm not a hoaxer.
I'm a entrepreneur.
I'll give you hoaxer, Andersen.
Let's get the hell outta here.
Gimme the rifle with the night scope.
It's Andersen.
Holy shit, he's running.
Professor.
What are you doing out here?
What the hell we gonna do now, Fran?
It's like we're lost or something out here.
Ow, goddammit.
Holy shit.
Someone shot Mathis.
Shot me in the ass.
Ahh!
Jesus, Fran.
You were always my favorite son.
What?
You can't die on me.
No, no, no, no.
You gotta keep his legs up.
You idiot!
Lilly!
What?
What is wrong with you?
Call 9-1-1!
What is 9-1-1 gonna do?
Give the man some morphine.
Keep pressure on it!
You want some of this?
It's the Men in Green.
The whole point of the suicide vest
is getting a pile of virgins at the end.
I'm ending this right now.
Well, what are we gonna do now?
Let's head back to the command post.
Keep the mask on in case we come across Andersen.
What if someone shoots me?
You have the vest on.
Just don't take one to the head.
Fucking family.
Look, I'll be right behind you.
Go, go, go!
Somebody gimme a bandaid.
What the hell are you people doing?
Have you lost your mind?
Are we still in control here?
He got shot!
Why'd you shoot me?
He was the one that did it.
You people, stay calm.
Let's not lose our heads.
Oh shit!
Did we get 'em?
Yeah, man, we got 'em.
Cool.
Maybe we can pay back my uncle.
Hey, bro, I don't think you're going the right way.
As long as we're heading
in the opposite direction we're good.
Hey man, what is that smell?
Check the GPS.
Find out where we're goin'.
All right, man I gotta get my phone.
It's in the back in my bag.
Go, fat boy!
What is that?
What the hell's that smell?
French vanilla filtered underwear, baby.
Smells like shit and rotten milk!
I think I can see a clearing ahead.
You're right.
It's big, black thing.
It's like a void.
It's a quarry!
Don't move an inch.
Your ass filter is making this shit unbearable, man!
Just give it a minute to let the filter do it's work.
I gotta open up
- the fuckin' door, bro. - No, you don't.
Don't do it.
I gotta get the fuck outta here!
No, let me come back there.
We can jump out together.
I'm outta here.
Fuck you.
You can forget about our partnership!
I can't believe I survived that.
Well, I guess
this is the end.
The bad guy's dead
and our story's done folded.
But is there ever really an end to good and evil?
Certainly not this time, my friends.
So ignore the credits.
'Cause our story's got more secrets to tell.
The fat lady's got more song as well.
Casey, stop it.
Daddy?
None of you get it, do you?
Grandpa was right.
The creature's out there and it might still be.
If we quit now all of Grandpa's hard work is just lost.
You're all just selfish!
Cassie!
Ah.
We gonna be rich, baby?
I'm sick of Missouri.
You and me both.
Girl, you gonna have me harder than a fresh cut 2x4.
Why don't you go find Gloria and I'll take care of Casey.
All right now.
Lexi?
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell is wrong with you?
No!
I said get up.
Why Lexi?
No!
No, fuck!
♪ Out of every problem ♪
♪ Comes a way to make it right ♪
Fuck you!
♪ Reach down deep into your soul ♪
♪ And stand up to the fight ♪
- ♪ You are strong ♪ - No!
Ah!
♪ And she came out long ♪
♪ If you feel you're heart is breaking ♪
I trusted you!
You're supposed to be my friend!
♪ When the world is ♪
♪ It feels so hard ♪
I'm tired of being bullied.
♪ If you believe that you can make it ♪
Just die already.
My titty!
♪ Dance ♪
I'm gonna give you something to fuckin' remember me by!
No, no!
By the way I always hated that dress.
Help!
Cassie!
I'm down here.
Do not move, do not move a muscle.
I'll be down there in just a second, okay?
Help.
Gimme your hand.
Help me down and we'll go get her.
Cassie, hold on, I'm coming.
Fran, what the hell are you doing?
What the hell does it look like I'm doing, boy?
Tying up some loose ends.
With you out of the way, I'll be able to collect
that $10 million all for myself.
I don't wanna fall.
Fran, stop!
Oh, you want some of this?
Well, come on and get you some.
Pastor Evans, what the hell are you doing here?
Aw, man, these pants are wet.
Is this piss?
I am on vacation.
I can't find the gerbil anywhere.
Aw, you two are freaks!
I think Bigfoot just stole our four-wheeler.
Stop!
What happened to you, boy?
Man, I just need to get outta here.
Cassie, are you okay?
Yes.
Okay.
- My fingers are slipping. - Hold on, hold on tight.
All right.
All right, grab on.
Okay.
You mean you ain't fell yet?
Let me help you out.
Fran!
All right, Ernie.
It's what you want.
Yeah!
That is how Fran Andersen messes with Bigfoot!
Come on.
Come on, sir.
Come on.
Yeah, ha!
Fooled ya, heffer!
Yeah.
You wanna get you some of that, son?
Come on.
Oh my gosh, I wanna go home, Dad.
It's over all right.
I'm gonna get you outta here.
Hold on tight, all right?
No, Daddy, don't!
He's here to help us.
Seriously?
By the power executed in me, I now pronounce you...
Oh, you guys, aw.
Ow!
This is a hospital, not a monster truck rally.
Can someone please pull that plug out?
Unplug me?
Screw you, Cory.
You still wearing your sister's underwear
under those sheets.
Well, what if I was wearing my sister's underwear?
They feel better.
Pastor Evans just reach down there and...
Pastor, don't you dare, unplug...
My best bottle if you just...
- Pastor! - Just reach down.
Don't you dare.
Pastor.
Don't you dare.
Here's the Bigfoot...
Oh, ah!
Stop it, stop it!
It's coming on.
What are you going on about, little boy?
I'm not a boy!
Bigfoot's on TV.
There's no such thing as Bigfoot, you...
Hey!
Uncle Billy!
Language!
Please!
Here's a frickin' Bigfoot nutsack for you, Billy.
Larry, Larry,
- Larry, Larry, Larry. - Let me introduce
- our next guest. - Larry, Larry, Larry,
Larry, Larry, Larry.
Ho ho.
Hey.
How good to see you.
Have a seat.
Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry,
Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry,
Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry.
- Okay, okay, okay. - Larry, Larry.
- Calm down, calm down. - Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry.
So, tell me what it's like
having so many people chasing you.
Hey Bigfoot!
Squatch these!
Well, that's a topic for another show.
How do you manage to stay so hidden?
Actually, people find solid evidence all the time
but the government swoops in.
Did you always manage to get away?
My mother was regular human.
My father's, like me.
And what about your kids?
Boo!
Okay, okay, okay.
Let's give him a chance to speak.
Go on, Jackson.
Yeah, they don't want people to know
there's another line of humans out there living wild.
What do you mean?
Who are they?
The Government.
They keep all this covered up.
I bet this show never...
♪ Would you recognize a monster by his eyes ♪
♪ Thought I would, too ♪
♪ And I spent all this time a-runnin' every lap ♪
♪ To what I would do ♪
♪ Hell, I'd take him by the tail ♪
♪ He would holler, he would wail ♪
♪ Till he called a truce ♪
♪ And I told him you were made ♪
♪ Taking you away ♪
♪ Now I know it's true ♪
♪ I was blind ♪
♪ Then I saw the human unkind come to call ♪
♪ If I had a dime for all man's many faults ♪
♪ I admit that I was wrong ♪
♪ Such a shame ♪
Goin' on here?
♪ Interviewing monsters ♪
♪ Monsters ♪
♪ All along ♪
What are you smilin' at?
♪ I was blind ♪
♪ Then I saw the human unkind come to call ♪
♪ If I had a dime for all man's many faults ♪
♪ I admit that I was wrong ♪
♪ Such a shame that you're gone ♪
♪ Interviewing monsters ♪
♪ Monsters ♪
♪ All along ♪
♪ Interviewing monsters ♪
♪ Monsters ♪
♪ All along ♪
♪ Interviewing monsters ♪
♪ Monsters ♪
♪ All along ♪