Loves me, Loves me not, by Ali Silver.
Once, I found a daisy and I played a simple game.
I picked off all the petals, it didn't look the same.
Loves me, loves me not.
Was it really worth the sound
to see all the little petals like teardrops on the ground?
Loves me not.
Let me get this door.
Keep going, keep going, keep going, okay.
Do you trust me?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Okay, open your eyes.
I must meet your decorator.
Uh...
Might stain your clothes, though.
Well, we can't have that, can we?
No.
Full moon tonight.
Is that okay?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Aw.
What's with the fake beard and the crutches?
Oh. Um...
a buddy of mine needed a lift to an audition the other day.
- Oh. - Left his stuff in my car in case he gets a call back.
Oh.
What is that on your windshield?
I have no idea how that got there.
Aw.
See you tonight?
Hi, you've reached Eva Silver.
Tip for the day: write the bad things
that happen to you in sand,
carve the good things that happen to you
on a slab of marble,
and leave a message at the beep.
Hi, Mom, it's me.
How are you? I was just calling to say hi,
but I also wanted to tell you that I spent another day
with that guy I was telling you about,
and I think this one is a keeper.
I love you.
Loves me.
Loves me not.
Loves me.
Loves me not.
Loves me.
Loves me not.
Loves me.
Loves me not.
Loves me.
Loves me not.
Loves me.
Loves me not.
Loves me.
Loves me not.
Give me the tennis bracelet.
Loves me.
Any one in particular?
All of them! Let's go, all of them!
Loves me not.
Come on, all of them!
Oh, shit, shit!
Loves me.
No. No, it's not...
Loves me not.
Loves me.
Your name was in his cell phone and photos
that led me to believe that you were his girlfriend.
So I'm going to have to ask you for whatever gifts he gave you
to match them against police reports of stolen items.
Don't worry, you're not going to get in any trouble.
Also, you want to check your credit cards,
because he had a rap sheet that included
fraud and identity theft.
I just wish life would behave itself.
And men.
I don't have a rap sheet.
Excuse me?
You're sweet, and you deserve better.
Have you ever thought about dating a police detective?
You're asking me this now?
I admit, it's bad timing, but if,
if I could have your number,
after a couple of weeks, maybe a cup of coffee?
How do you know I wasn't Bonnie to his Clyde?
It's what I do for a living.
Well, you already have my number
on the cell phone, and the pictures.
I'll delete the ones you're thinking of.
Thanks.
Babe, I got your 911 and came as fast
- as I could. - "Run, Forrest, Run Guy" is dead.
- What? - He got shot, 18 times, one shot missed.
Holy fuck.
I'm cursed.
- You're not cursed. - I ignore that little red flag voice
because when we met we were innocent kids.
It felt like nine-year-old Ali finally got a keeper.
Come on, Ali.
You find Brock on Facebook and what?
A month later you're going through brides magazines?
You were Phi Beta Kappa and all that bull crapper.
You should know how to navigate this parade of men.
Charade of men.
You will do better, I know it.
You're just saying that to be nice.
Does that sound like me?
Do you realize that there are days I wish I was in your shoes?
Mine?
Yes, even though you're a hot mess.
My picker has just broken.
You have freedom.
I suppose.
Thanks for not saying I told you so.
So you do remember?
After the first time you met him you said, "Run like he's a house on fire."
But he wasn't a house on fire,
he was more like a candy store on fire.
You know you should flee, but it just...
smells too good.
Sorry, bestie.
I love you, Veronica.
So, I guess "Run, Forrest, Run Guy" is "Dead Guy" now?
Too soon?
I'm sorry, come here.
You got it.
We were supposed to be surfing tonight.
I haven't discussed this before
because, if I start from the beginning,
it'll take freaking forever.
Remember, we're working on naming our feelings,
about our problem?
Like we've done before in single words.
Humiliated.
Unlovable.
Worthless.
Let's start with humiliated.
It involves Dylan.
Dylan from our group?
We used to go out...
but I wouldn't go all the way like the others.
I'd let him do everything else, but...
then he stopped hanging out with me and...
told me I was a cock tease.
Come to find out
he's actually been throwing shit on me
about certain private parts.
Do you want to know what he's been saying?
Only if you think it's important.
I want to say it.
He's been telling people that I have really long lips.
Oh.
They call me "Lily long lips."
I have no control over what it looks like.
Of course not.
And it's bull anyway.
We all come in different shapes and sizes.
Seriously, there is no right or wrong
when it comes to private parts.
I read about this operation online,
labiaplasty.
The important thing to think about is to avoid anyone
who would shame you over anything.
Do you want to know the really messed up thing?
The thing I want most to happen now.
What is that?
I want to fuck Dylan.
And I want him to love it.
Many of us will pick the worst ways to feel loved,
desired, worthy.
Now, I want you to read this out loud every day:
"I love and accept myself.
Where I am right now.
I am safe."
I want you to read it,
and practice believing it.
And I'll see you on Wednesday.
You know, I wish I could be just like you, Miss Silver.
You really have your act together.
Thank you.
Meet the denizens of the Sandpiper Apartment Complex in Malibu.
Trust fund babies, models, alcoholics, the lost people.
Everyone looks toned, tanned, and deceptively healthy.
But I loved him, he was so sweet.
Should have known he wasn't a bond trader,
he couldn't figure out the tip at a restaurant.
He figured out how to max out your Visa.
Fashion show!
Watch out when an Iranian and a Russian joined forces.
Everyone, I've had an epiphany.
From this day forward, I am done with all men.
- You need a chick? - I'd probably end up with a nightmare like you.
Right.
I love you too, my green-eyed angel.
I'm serious, abstinence from this day forward.
There's a Persian saying.
Of course there is.
You don't quit drinking water because a glass once broke.
You already know what I think: Mr. Nice Guy.
Ugh, too nice.
But I thought you said he was good in bed?
That was Stalker Guy number two,
not buying that horse again.
Nice Guy had sex with about as much improvisation
as the formula for the isosceles triangle.
Will Finnegan begin again?
I saw him in US Magazine,
roundhouse kicking his own father in the nuts.
But I saw on TMZ that he was clean and sober.
I doubt that, all those years in and out of rehab.
Plus, you know how shitty he treated me.
Who is Finnegan?
He devirginized Ali.
You think that would be vodka under the bridge by now.
Some rotten experiences you carry with you forever.
Life is not fair.
Women can fake orgasms,
but men can fake love.
- Poor me. - Poor you.
Pour her a drink.
Mm.
There goes another potato!
Oh, shit.
I'm not a narc, losers.
We just assumed you didn't want to participate.
It's all right, dude, you want a bump?
- I'm good. - I'm in.
Me too.
- Righty or lefty? - Righty.
There you go.
Boom.
Ali?
Yes, trust fund baby whose first words were room service?
Stop bottom beating. Give Mr. Nice Guy another shot.
Have you been banging him?
Not since I've been seeing Dead Guy.
- Rest in peace. - Wake up, Ali.
You're running out of runway, and he's Nice Guy.
When I forage for my food,
it allows me to focus on flavor and ideas.
To reconnect into the world that existed before we got...
little too fast.
In a really superficial world,
it's hard to get something that is real.
So Instagramable.
Can't have that level of uniqueness of flavor
unless you diversify what you're using.
Um, I'm all for diversity.
Um...
Get out, so good!
Um!
- Want more? - Yeah.
Ali, I'm not sure why you shut me out,
but I really missed you.
I missed you too, I'm glad I called.
How about you move in with me?
Whoa, no way.
I know, I know it's fast,
but you would love it here.
Right from the first time we met at that foster home fundraiser,
you said that being a mom was your greatest hope.
My specific hope was to be a parent
to a child who needed a home.
I figured if you're okay to fostering
you'd be open to the whole...
nuclear thing as well.
I think we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Cart before the horse and all that.
Listen, if you didn't like living here,
you could always leave. No drama.
Baby...
when it comes to you...
I'm all in.
So what do you say we get all in the pool?
Charming segue.
- It's beckoning. - Oh, is it now?
I have a surprise for you.
Something that I hope will turn you on.
I always thought that maybe you felt I was uptight in bed.
No, Jake, not at all.
It mean we need to be more adventurous together.
Meaning?
Uh, I think it's time to explore our fantasies a bit.
I asked someone to come over.
There is no romantic connection,
so, if you're interested...
Well, aren't you the unpredictable one?
When the hedges get trimmed, the tree stands taller.
And here she is right now.
Ali, this is Jazmine. Jazmine, Ali.
My pleasure.
Hi. Hi there.
Why don't you, uh, join us in the water?
And there it is.
You did say you're all for diversity.
Hey.
I'm so sorry, I should've told you
before I sprang that on you.
- You think? - I wanted to be real with you.
Doesn't mean I'm gay.
Not that there is anything wrong with it.
I just think I need some time to wrap
- my head around this. - Don't let this change things between us.
Uh, I got another call, I got to bounce.
Hey, will you still think about moving in...
Ah, shit.
- Hello? - Hi.
This is Chris Perley.
Detective Perley, from the, from the whole shooting thing.
You said that I could give you a call.
Is this a bad time?
Eight-year-old Margaret needs the stability
and love of a forever family.
In today's Foster Friday's, we meet this resilient girl.
Dylan.
- Hi, Miss Silver. - Hi.
I just wanted to make sure you were handling this well.
What?
You know, the talk.
It can be hard hearing about things
that are beyond your control.
What are you talking about?
That they're calling anything unusually small a "Dylan dick."
High schoolers can be so mean.
If you want to talk about it, my door is always open.
Miss Silver.
Finnegan.
I knew you'd still be in Malibu.
You don't look surprised or pleased.
Uh. It's...
- Can I come in? - Uh.
- Please? - Uh.
They let you have animals in rehab?
I'm in outpatient sober living now.
The dog is for you.
I'm allergic.
Oh, uh, oh.
I guess I'll keep him for myself.
Um.
So, uh, maybe you read
that my dad and me were in jail together,
for assaulting each other.
I may have seen something about it
in the rags at the checkout line.
What a perfect Shanksgiving that was.
That is when you spend Thanksgiving behind bars.
- Good to know. - Yeah.
Ali, uh...
this is the longest that I've been sober.
I've gone through most of the steps
and you are on my amends list.
About time.
Why do so many of my exes
wind up in rehab, but never make amends to me?
I'm trying to now.
I saw the dog and some old guy
was giving him away across the street.
I figured, that was a sign
to tell you that I'm really sorry.
Aren't you supposed to take into account that it might hurt me more
to have to deal with you again?
I'm pretty sure it won't go like that.
Listen, I have thought about this for many years,
and stayed away since I was a mess for so long.
I was an idiot back then. Be glad I disappeared.
Just because it was a long time ago
doesn't mean I forgot.
You slept with me knowing that I loved you,
and left me waiting for the call that never came.
You simply vanished like a guilty thought.
- I didn't mean it like that. - No, even that dog knows the difference between
being stumbled over and being kicked.
I want to make it up to you. I really do.
Can you give me my virginity back?
Let me set things right. Please.
At least let me try to help you understand the why of it all.
God willing, you'll, uh...
give me a second chance.
The last guy I gave a second chance to
ended up like Tony Montana.
"Say hello to my little friend."
You were always good at imitating other characters,
how are you doing at being yourself?
Ali.
Is it really a dog allergy or is it me?
We'll see.
You can call me on my school line,
and no stalking.
Oh, uh, that, that is good enough for me.
- Bye for now. Bye. - Bye.
You checking me out?
You may have changed, but you're still full of yourself.
Or full of something.
I'll take that as a yes.
Bye.
And now he wants to take you out to spread his bullshit
as if it's the peanut butter choosy mothers choose.
And you'll fall for it, hook, line and sinker.
I do have a sweet tooth for second chances.
And third, and fourth.
You've been on this merry-go-round too many times, Ali.
So what would you have me tell him?
I'd say what Clark Gable never quite said:
"Frankly, my duck, I don't give a fuck."
And ghost that douche nozzle.
We were both only 16.
Needless to say I didn't write about it in the virginity box.
But, maybe I could use some closure.
Maybe that'll work.
Damn, I forgot about that.
- What? - Our virginity box.
Oh, yeah! We painted cherries all over it,
and promised when either one of us lost our cherry...
We'd leave a note in the box!
I think I know where it is.
I can't believe you still had it squared away.
Now that is some dusty weed.
Swiped from my mom's secret stash.
I can't believe we didn't smoke or drink this all.
No, we were saving some in case of an earthquake
or a nuclear fallout.
Remember the first time we got wasted?
- It was like, 14, I think. - Thirteen.
Oh, and we tried to roll a joint with a tampon wrapper.
And you had this bright idea of using notebook paper.
Fuck off, that was your idea.
"Qualities of a devirginizer."
He must be hilarious.
- Oh, ride gnarly waves. - Love movies.
Be humble.
Wear boxers.
Great dancer.
Luscious lips.
He must not be embarrassed to make valentines with us.
- Be a Scorpio. - Be a Taurus.
Um, look at this.
And they lived happily ever after.
Now there is some wishful thinking.
- And the dog? - Turns out he has leukemia.
Started to take him to chemo twice a week.
There is a reason he ended up in my hands,
so I could take care of him.
I really am allergic.
Mm-hmm.
So, do you like this place?
It's just like the surf shop we used to hang out on the PCH.
Good times.
I own it.
Get out!
My crew thinks that I should put up posters
of my father rocking out on stage or something.
The old school surfers would love it,
but I wanted this to be the one thing
that I did without his shadow over it.
So, I used the money from that train wreck
reality show to buy this place.
None of it was his money.
We used to talk about owning a place like this one day.
We did?
Ali, I can't remember all the things
that I did to hurt you.
A, you were so coked up after prom
you couldn't keep it hard enough to finish.
Then maybe it doesn't count.
You made me bleed.
It counts.
And you lied to me that it was your first time,
but then I found out about your devirginizing spree
and that I was just number whatever.
I wished you were my first.
Not some random who really wanted to screw my dad.
I was a consolation prize, but good enough so that she could boast
that she got it on with the son of a rock god.
I was 13.
Ali, I went through all those women knowing that you were different.
That you were like an angel, way too good for me.
- Hardly an angel. - Well, I made a pact with myself
to stay far away to protect you.
I have no excuses, but I have my reasons.
Did you have a reason that you left me right after?
Not a word.
Where the hell did you go, anyway?
I went to a dealer.
My father's dealer, actually,
and the three of us smoked crack all night.
The start of a week-long bender.
You chose drugs over me.
Back then, and for many years,
I would choose drugs over anything.
But not anymore?
No, no, no, no.
I'm alive.
And I'm glad to be right here.
Me too.
I loved you then, Ali.
I messed up and I haven't forgotten it.
I'm not asking for your forgiveness,
but maybe someday...
Well, I admit, I, I've been selfish
to make assumptions about your life
and been blaming you for all the loser men in mine,
even though I've heard about your troubles in the tabloids,
and reading your brother's memoir.
Well, that gave you some idea of the shit show that I went through.
What do you say to a truce?
Sounds good.
Better yet, how about a do-over?
Did you do your homework, Billy?
"Fears of a teen with sitophobia and numerophobia."
You got the names down pat.
Yeah, I remember sitophobia
because it sounds like shitaphobia,
- without the H. - Okay, go on.
"All of my fears come down to the same thing:
If I don't do things my way,
then something dreadful will happen.
If the TV volume isn't an odd number,
then something terrible will happen. If the TV channel isn't odd,
then something terrible will happen."
So much for watching Bojack Horseman.
"If I choose a candy from your box of them,
then it has to be three candies over and three down.
Or I'll get a dreadful disease."
You know what, Billy?
Thoughts are just thoughts, not threats.
I, I can't go back on the meds.
I already told my psychiatrist,
they make me feel dopey all day.
Okay, you know what? Let's talk progress.
Like the exposure therapy.
Well, my mom couldn't believe
that I only put my clothes
in the washer once instead of three or five times.
See?
That's terrific.
You know, I think you're ready for this one,
otherwise I wouldn't offer it.
One, two, three, one, two, three.
I, I'm not hungry.
- Billy. - No.
My friend Veronica makes these chocolates.
I've seen her little factory,
it's so clean, you could eat off the floor.
- Ali. - Okay, okay, maybe you wouldn't,
but let me just tell you something, these chocolates
are not going to give you a disease.
I can promise you that. And you want to know what?
They're really delicious.
You can do it, just close your eyes,
anchor your positive thoughts,
and pick a random piece.
I bet I know what this is.
Two free tickets to that deprivation tank
I was telling you about.
- You should come with me. - Oh, I'm claustrophobic.
Two hours floating in water in total blackness?
It's also in blackness that we see the light.
Is that one of those wise Persian sayings?
Think about it.
My lady.
I see you wore your best bib and tucker.
And you look like a waiter in a 1980's luau.
Our carriage awaits.
We're making such an effort to find out
if there's intelligent life out there on other planets,
but did we ever think that, if it existed,
they would be doing the same thing?
Trying to find us. Think about it.
The most important evidence that we're alone,
is that we are alone.
We should go to church sometime.
You do know I'm Jewish.
Only half, your mom is Christian.
She married four Jewish guys, Jewish by injection.
Sorry, that was crass.
You'll, you'll figure it out.
Well, how about this Sunday?
There is a potluck and there is a band, and...
You don't have to try so hard.
I'm sorry, I'm not used to doing this sober.
I'm just worried. Driver, turn this thing around and let's get home and...
Do you know why we have this spot here?
This indentation.
Tell me.
I was at this meditation retreat and there was a shaman there.
You believe in that stuff?
I'm always searching.
So, he was talking about angels and I couldn't relate,
so he said this thing that rang true to me.
He said, "Before we come into this world as a baby,
we already know everything
about our past, present and future.
But, at the exact moment of birth,
an angel comes down and goes: 'Shh...'
So we spend our whole lives
trying to remember what we already know."
Finn, you made your mark on me.
Permanent.
Like a tattoo.
Bad tattoo, but hey, we were 16.
And I'm ready for our do-over.
I have a condom.
We don't need it.
Oh, I insist.
We can mess around, but not all the way.
Okay.
Why not?
When I hit bottom...
I found Jesus.
Was he playing hide and seek?
He came to me, he spoke to me.
Oh. Eight billion people and he spoke to you?
He speaks to many.
He showed me the way and it's the path I've taken.
I'm celibate.
As in "you'll sell-a-bit" and give the rest for free?
I mean it.
I know this is weird coming from me.
Finn?
You said this was our do-over,
like as in you'd make love to me
on high thread count linens.
As in you wouldn't kick me to the curb.
As in you wouldn't disappear without a trace.
I don't want to disappear.
Ali, we definitely have a connection.
We could start going to church together.
There is a lot of cool born-again couples.
Two weeks ago, I suddenly found myself speaking in tongues.
We can still be naked.
I'll even go down on you.
Oh, how generous.
I just can't go further until you're truly committed.
- To? - Accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior.
Sex is only for married couples to create babies.
I want us to go to heaven together,
but I'm worried about you.
About me?
Hanging out with sinners.
Didn't Jesus hang out with a prostitute?
Hell is real.
Ali, you can't compromise God, it's in Revelation.
God said, "Because you're neither hot nor cold,
I spit you out of my mouth."
I don't want you to end up in eternal damnation.
Friends, lovers, losers, lend me your ears.
I come not to praise men, but to bury them.
New name for Finnegan, anybody?
"Jesus of Malibu."
- "Born again Finnegan." - "Christ on a soft core."
Oh, oh, Finnegan won't put it in again.
Yeah, wait, wait, wait.
I have something to praise to.
Guess who has the best dick in Malibu?
Ali's brother, John!
No!
You didn't, oh.
I gave him a grain job.
What is a grain job?
A blow job in a hybrid.
That is so disgusting on so many levels.
I present to you my one faithful girlfriend:
Molly.
Darling.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I'm happy where I am.
Fuck it, I want to be somewhere else, I'm in.
I'm out.
Oh, don't do me like that.
Yeah, you're really ready to be a mom.
You'd have to be Rosetta Stone to understand that.
You want to try some things?
Kiss me.
So you can go to prison for doing this?
Oh, yeah, nothing that can seem like dancing
between man and woman.
Between two men.
No wonder you white tailed it.
Yeah, the moment I got out of Iranian air space,
I tossed my hijab
and I ordered champagne
on my way to USA.
God bless America.
How long have I known you, Joe?
Time is relative.
And in all of that time,
Have I ever asked if you can...
You never asked.
Are you able to have sex?
Yes, why do you ask?
Cause I'm diggng you hella heavy...
You're not doing this because you feel sorry for me?
Because I don't want anybody's pity.
No, I'm doing this because
it makes me feel good right now.
I think we have a connection.
Don't you think we have a connection?
Fuck, yeah.
Hello?
Hi, this is Detective Perley
from the Malibu Sheriff's Department.
I hope I'm not calling too early.
No. Um,
I'm sorry about not calling you back. I, um.
No problem, no problem. I'm actually phoning
regarding Brock Sheridan.
I have something that I think you'd want.
- Oh, what's that? - Um.
Well, I thought it must have been stolen,
but it wasn't reported, so I took a closer look
and it was engraved.
Ali and Brock forever.
It's an engagement ring.
Oh.
It's, uh, here at the station,
if you want to come by and pick it up.
Or I could bring it to you.
Uh, could I call you back?
There's somebody at the door.
Bad timing again, okay.
Um, well, it's under lock and key
so come by whenever you can...
Hello?
Ugh.
What happened to you?
Let's just say my party went from ecstasy to agony.
Consequences.
Well, don't gloat just because you were right.
Plus, it was a shitty thing to say,
about me not being ready to be a mom.
Yeah, I thought about that, wasn't cool.
You're supposed to be on my side,
even when you know I'm wrong.
I'm sorry.
And I need a favor.
I expect to see some groveling first.
Pick up Chloe from school tomorrow?
I have a convention.
- I'd love to. - Great.
You know what, Ali, what I should have said was
you don't need a man to complete you.
You don't even need a man to raise a child.
I guess.
- Guess? - Suppose.
- Suppose? - All right, I know!
Well then, pull your head out of your butt
and do something about it.
You can handle it, I think.
You know, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a pity party.
What else is wrong?
Let's see, my goody two-shoes doctor
won't prescribe me enough pain pills,
my neck is killing me.
And I got a marriage proposal from beyond the grave.
Dead Guy's ghost? Damn.
Stay with me, V?
I got Haagen-Dazs and I don't want to be alone.
You know I would if I could.
I got to pick up Chloe from a birthday party.
Got to bolt.
Love you.
Aw!
Baby.
Got your message.
I have solutions to all your troubles.
Ex-girlfriend is an anesthesiologist.
Still writes me as many scripts as I want.
We'll begin with OxyContin
and Adderall,
maybe some pot.
Keeps everything smooth.
Oh!
We party all life!
Hey dude, check it out. This is what she was like for my appointment.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, out for the count.
Oh, fuck. Shit, shit, shit.
- How could you flake on this? - I just...
I, I, I fell, I fell asleep.
- I totally spaced. Is she okay? - If it was just me.
But my child, your goddaughter.
- But, but, but Chloe's okay? - I told you I couldn't be there.
I know, I know.
I, I'm so sorry.
But is she okay?
For fucks sake, yes, she's okay.
My ex mother-in-law was able
to pick her up from school before it closed.
She waited two hours.
Anything could have happened to her.
Why didn't she call somebody?
She fucking did call someone, she called you!
Check your damn messages.
I'm never going to forget this one.
Veronica, I get it.
I said I was sorry.
But you're making this
something worse that it is.
The school wouldn't have left her there,
- they know shit happens... - Are you seriously
rationalizing your behavior?
You're selfish and delusional.
I get that you're upset, but your coming at me
loaded for a bear with your barrage of insults
- isn't going to... - You want to hear a barrage of insults?
Ali, look, I know you've been through a shit load,
but the drama and the drugs are getting stale.
You're acting like some rebelling self-centered teenager.
And you're acting like a hysterical bitch!
I don't want to be around you.
Are you serious?
After everything I've done for you.
And now to see how insignificant I am to you.
How unimportant your goddaughter has become to you.
Why don't you and your Russian model
just crash and burn without me?
Ugh, you are being so extra.
You wouldn't understand,
you don't have children.
You idiot.
Detective, you scared the bejesus out of me.
Sorry, what happened to your neck?
Ugh, hard to explain.
You came to the station for the ring.
I thought if I had you bring it to me, it would be weird,
like you were proposing to me.
Yeah.
I figure I'll sell the ring.
Make sense. Dollars and sense.
- Anyways, uh, thanks for the extra effort. - Can I call you, Ali?
That is my name.
On the phone.
Ugh, no.
I mean, all right already.
You can come by Friday at eight
and try not to dress like a detective.
I'll come undercover.
Or you'll cum under my covers.
Oh, Ali, Jesus.
Sometimes I have diarrhea of the mouth.
Sometimes I have constipation of the brain,
so, makes for a good couple.
I'll, I'll see you Friday, feel better.
Hey, don't I know you from...
well, I like to call him Mr. Nice Guy.
That he is.
Looks painful.
Oh, long story.
Have a seat.
- I'm sorry. - For?
For bolting like that.
Only you left in such a rush
you forgot your bag of weed.
I finished it.
Finders keepers.
Jazmine, it has nothing to do with you.
I have kids at my school who are gender fluid
and every other combination.
It was just that I,
I realized that I didn't want to share my man with anybody.
It's just not who I am.
But you're beautiful, Jazmine,
and I love how you're so comfortable with who you are.
I wish there was somebody as amazing as you are
when I was back in high school.
It would have saved me a lot of shame, my...
my dad, he was okay with it all, but my mom... Jesus.
When was the last time you talked to her?
It's been a while.
I call mine, leave messages.
I get to hear her voice, even though it's just
a recording that will expire soon.
How long has it been since she passed away?
Nine months.
She's getting your message in some kind of way.
I miss her.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Oh, my gosh, I got to go, hun.
I can't be late for my laser lady at Luscious Legs.
Try saying that four times fast.
Take care of yourself,
uh, and if you see Nice Guy, tell him I say, hey.
And no hard feelings, seriously.
Will do.
Take care, okay.
Those are from the Ebigee Tribe.
I got those when I was traveling in Nigeria.
It was a crazy trip.
Do you, do you like to travel?
Um, I don't get out much.
Um, who is that?
Oh, yeah, that's my father.
He is so serious.
He was a painter, composer.
Needless to say I didn't really take after him.
But I love art, and the symphony.
Oh, he, um, was right in the middle of this when he passed away.
He always said: "Art is a race against death."
Um.
Looks like he lost the race right there.
- Okay, you ready? - Uh, maybe.
Which would you choose,
be alone for the rest of your life,
or surrounded by annoying people?
I am surrounded by annoying people.
- Present company excepted. - Thank you.
And I am alone.
Present company excepted.
My turn.
Which would you choose...
to smoke 50 cigarettes in a row
or drink 12 beers in a row?
That's going to be tough, because I've never had a cigarette or a beer.
Shut up.
No beer, no pot.
Never had a cup of coffee, an aspirin.
And I've never missed a morning run.
- Um, Clean Marine. - Yeah.
I bet my wine was a big fail then.
Uh, no, it's just,
see, my mom was addicted to all of them.
So I swore to myself I'd never let anything control me.
Okay, um, next.
Which would you choose,
have your best friend catch you lying
or lie to your best friend?
Um.
I'd hate to be caught lying, so,
assuming that is the worst.
I've never lied to my best friend,
but I have lied for her.
I sense a story coming on.
No, no, I mean,
I haven't told anybody about it,
except my best friend, because she was there.
But top secret.
It's okay.
All good, you don't have to tell me.
I mean, I opened up about my mom and everything.
- It's okay, I mean, it's okay. - Fine, I'll tell you.
- Okay. - Don't say anything.
I was hanging out by the pool with my best friend
and her daughter Chloe, we're just chilling.
And I went inside to use the bathroom
and when I came out, my best friend was asleep
and her daughter was face down in the pool.
I had to do mouth to mouth and everything,
it was really bad.
And how is the kid?
She's good, but it was a close call.
- You did good. - Thank you.
But then, her husband came home
and their marriage was already on the rocks,
and I knew if he found out he would hold it against her,
so I lied to him and said that I fell asleep
and that she saved her kid.
You took the fall, I mean, that's a good friend.
Thanks, I love her.
Can I ask you, do you ever want to have children?
I, I can't.
Thank you, Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser Syndrome.
Um, if you want to have some wine, it's fine with me. I'm...
- It's okay, it's fine. It's okay. - No, no, no.
If you can go your whole life without it,
I don't need to have a glass of wine.
I'm curious about something.
You know what that did to the cat.
From what I've seen, your choice in suitors
is not to be relied on.
Why is that?
As Princess Leia said in the garbage compactor scene,
"It's not over yet."
Oh, that's good,
because I can be relied on.
- No crap, Kojak? - No, no crap.
I never thought I would actually
get to say this literally,
but is there a gun in your pocket
or are you just happy with me?
Which would you choose?
Ali?
I never sleep with a woman on the first date.
I'm really hoping there is going to be a second.
You really do have self-control.
Yeah, dude, check it out,
this is what she was like for my appointment.
Oh, out for the count.
Someone linked it up to the school home page.
No comment?
Maybe I did hire you too young.
I'm processing.
Look, we both know nothing happens on this campus
without me being aware of it.
This is what I do, I'm here, I'm present.
25 years sober.
And here is the rub.
It's out of my hands now.
Now that everybody's seen it,
I'm going to have to explain it to the school board
and to Supervisor Gibbs.
You know it's guilty until proven innocent with that bunch of piranhas.
- Am I on trial for napping? - No.
But you will be for taking this too lightly.
How in the hell did you get yourself caught up
in such an awkward situation in the first place?
I fell asleep in my office.
I was in a lot of pain, and I needed a quick cat nap.
And you didn't notice somebody filming you from head to toe?
That is not some kind of safe napping.
And what happened to your neck?
I don't feel that is pertinent.
Incorrect!
If you're under medication while on the job,
you must log in with the nurse,
along with the doctor's prescription.
And that is pertinent.
Do you realize the legalities I have to go through
on a daily basis with the parents here?
Principal Davis?
Once you've seen somebody run over by a bus...
it's hard to figure out what to do with the rest of your day.
My God, you did?
I saw her on the sidewalk with her walker.
I guess the bus driver didn't.
And just like that,
game over.
I think you should go home,
I think you're in a mild state of shock.
I got to shake this off.
Do the best I can for my kids.
Well, I assure you this will not happen again.
See that old lady run over by a bus?
My situation.
I, I promise, Principal Davis,
I, I will make sure to log
all medication in with the nurse.
Maybe it's time you took inventory,
and figure out your part in this fiasco.
Meaning what?
Meaning that, if you got kittens in the oven,
you don't call them muffins.
If it's not dark chocolate, there's no point.
What?
I finally found my Clean Marine's "oholic,"
as in chocoholic.
Buyer beware, life won't be worth living in 2021.
Oh, why is that?
It's when the world's supply
of sustainable cocoa will be devastated.
There will be a global chocolate drought.
Um, the clock is ticking.
You got to get it while you can.
- Chocolatey. - Very.
- Can I use your bathroom? - Oh.
I don't know, can you?
I hated when my teacher would say that to me.
- Right. It's so evil. - Yeah. The worst.
- It's just down the hall. - Okay.
Ali.
Is everything okay?
Um.
Okay, whatever you have to say, just say it.
Okay, um.
Ali, what we've started can't last.
Your world is just too crazy,
and if there's one thing I've learned from my past marriages...
Marriages? You didn't tell me there were two.
- Or more? - One thing I've learned
is I have to stop trying to rescue women.
So that's your conclusion based on your snooping?
You have a bottle of Oxy in someone else's name, Adderall...
You know, I don't appreciate people going through my shit.
Well then, if you have nothing to hide...
You know, you're the biggest fucking
control freak in the world.
I'm done trying to catch a falling knife.
Well, I don't need rescuing.
Good, because I'm not a lifeguard anymore.
No, you're just a fucking guy
with a badge and a stick up his ass.
The door is right over there, Ali.
Don't forget your Oxy.
I had a fucking neck injury.
Fuck you.
Mature.
In the last month,
we've had formal complaints from Dylan and his parents
and Lily and her parents about your poor judgment, inappropriate behavior,
and unethical choices.
Dylan, can you share with us what Miss Silver said to you?
She told me that all the other students
were calling anything small...
a Dylan dick.
They weren't, she was just
trying to freak me out.
Lily, would you mind telling us
what made you feel uncomfortable
about your sessions with Miss Silver?
She was just...
I'm pretty sure she hates men.
Lily, why are you doing this?
We're the ones asking the questions here.
You two may go now.
You have also been caught on video sleeping seductively.
Seductively?
Are you joking?
I, I don't know who took that video,
but, um, I felt violated.
You also have admitted on being on a medication
without informing the school nurse as required.
And now, we have a star athlete parent's
- threatening to sue the school. - Hmm.
Due to your erratic behavior,
I'm asking that you take a drug test immediately.
And if you fail to do so, I must ask for your resignation.
And if you do not want to comply with this,
I will terminate your work here, effective immediately.
Well, I guess I was wrong.
You did get to see another woman get run over again.
Stop it.
Stop it!
Fuck off!
Tell me, baby.
I was fired.
Oh.
What can I do to help?
Take me away.
Far, far away.
I thought you might say that.
What am I, in kindergarten?
Just wait.
How do you feel?
Like I'm swimming in a pool of warm marshmallows.
That's fent, all right.
Close your eyes, my beauty.
Have you ever kissed Veronica?
I've never kissed any girl.
Ali? Ali!
Wake up, wake up.
Ali, wake up.
Hi, you've reached Eva Silver.
Tip for the day: write the bad things
that happen to you in sand,
carve the good things that happen to you
on a slab of marble,
and leave a message at the beep.
The mailbox is full and cannot accept
any messages at this time. Goodbye.
Mommy.
I must be such a disappointment to you.
This is not what you'd want for me.
I wish I could hear you tell me that one day I'll get it right.
That this is just the end of what you taught me
was an annus horribilis,
a horrible year, written in sand.
Love yourself.
It's like this thing I was told,
it's in total blackness that you can see the light.
In the tank, images and memories flow in and out,
and it gave me a safe place to process
and to get honest with myself.
Move through the ridiculousness of it all.
I didn't know what you'd been going through.
As in fired from my job,
not living an authentic grown-up life,
my first and last ride in the back of an ambulance.
Wow, I'm glad you're safe.
It was a real wake up call.
I'm going to start back with the foster parenting classes.
Get back to what is important.
So, you're cool doing it on your own?
Yeah, I am.
But I can't be a foster parent until I get a job,
so it's a whole process.
I may be able to help you out with that.
I know one of the board of directors of Promises Rehab,
right here in Malibu.
They're looking for another therapist.
Past drug use isn't a detriment, it's a requirement.
That would be incredible.
So, how is your girlfriend, what did you say her name was?
Carmen.
- We're engaged. - Oh, I forgot, you move fast.
What did you say about, uh...
I told Carmen that I'm from Kansas,
that I forage for my own food,
and I like threesomes with women like Jazmine.
And?
She said:
"I've never met anybody from Kansas before."
Right?
- It's good to see you. - Um, it's good to see you.
- I'm glad you're doing well. - Thank you.
Shit.
It's supposed to be here somewhere.
How could I get a zit at my age?
I'm supposed to be worried about wrinkles
and sun damage, not zits.
Can you relax? You got this.
That's what Nice Guy said, I wouldn't win this interview without him.
Nice Guy has really been living up to his name.
And I wouldn't be here without you.
The hospital visits, the rest of it.
I couldn't lose my best friend.
Even if she was being a dumb ass.
Just put toothpaste on it.
That is blue, I need a conceal.
Ugh, there is so much shit in here.
- Dress or pants? - Um, wear pants, uh, the purple sweater set
with the gold and porcelain buttons or whatever.
Oh, what about that pink turtleneck?
Or maybe a red dress or something, you don't want to show too much skin, never mind.
- OxyContin? - Really?
Pot?
Condoms.
You're a superstar.
Who am I kidding about the condoms?
You got Foster Friday's on?
As always.
Ah, I'm still fixing my face.
I feel like I'm 13.
Hey, yo, you remember that kid from last year, Leo?
The one who tripped the cameraman and got
paint all over the anchor's hair and stuff?
Yeah, we loved him.
Not the hair!
Well, he is back.
I thought he had his forever home.
Apparently not.
It's going to be tough for him, though, his being so old.
He is special.
Expressive eyes. Wise old soul, right?
Yeah, but he's a handful, though.
Remember last year I said it?
I told you, I said this guy,
this kid would be a good match for me.
But you couldn't commit.
Hold on, are we seriously talking about this?
I'll imagine it carved in marble.
Are you okay, Mom?
Yeah, it's just the first time you've called me "mom."
At first, I thought you were stuck with me
being the oldest one at the foster home.
Know this, you were my first and only choice,
so, now you're stuck with me.
Welcome back to the 'bu.
Sure we lost Ali, one of our boldest soldiers,
but don't worry, no fire, mudslide, earthquake,
or fallen soldier is going to stop us from doing what we do.
Mojito sipping, night time surfing,
living it up in paradise.