Tedjo's slippery.
He's small, but don't underestimate him.
- Just follow my lead, kiddo. - Okay.
- Sir. - Yes, please.
Hello. Need to get up to the penthouse please.
I'll let Mr. Washington know that you're here.
It's best if we surprise Mr. Washington.
Yeah. I think that'd be best.
Thank you.
"Mr. Washington"?
Why would Tedjo stay here and not a safehouse?
Better not be a bad friggin' tip.
"Friggin'"?
Daughter thinks I swear too much.
Is Nicole still dating that guy?
Yeah. Mathis.
Smells like a candle.
God, I hope they're not having sex.
Oh, don't worry about it, she's Catholic.
Probably just a bit of anal.
Morris.
Get down!
What the...
Clear.
Morris! You okay?
Tedjo.
Shit!
Fucker!
Oh. Oh, Jesus!
Two, three, four, five, six!
You little shit!
Vic, you good?
- That's Tedjo. - Come on.
I don't see him!
Where'd he go?
Hey!
I got him!
We gotta move!
Oh, shit!
Yes!
Is he there? Morris?
Just got down here! I don't see...
- Vic! Help! - Shit!
Help, help! Vic, help!
Morris!
Stop!
Come on!
Move!
Morris!
Hey! Yo, man! What's up?
- Stop! - Watch out!
Stop and turn around!
Hands up! Now!
Slowly! Don't move!
Morris!
Shit.
Tell me you're good. Morris?
Come on, kid, talk to me.
Stay with me, kiddo. Come on.
Oh, God damn it!
I need backup.
We need medical support
at the west entrance to the Staples Center.
You're good. Hey.
Morris?
Morris!
Help!
It's 5:00, Los Angeles. Quittin' time!
Get home, jump in the pool, have a cold one.
Because this heat wave is still working.
103 degrees at the beaches, 112 in the Valley.
Let's do it!
It's hot as hell, people, and the traffic is a demon.
405 is backed up from the 10 to Sunset.
Two lanes closed on the...
Oh.
Oh, shit! Again?
Stu!
Stuber.
You didn't cancel.
It affects my rating.
I can't drop below four stars or I lose this job.
Ooh. New ride? A little eco-puss for me but not bad.
How'd you afford this, Stuber?
It's a lease, and you can stop calling me Stuber.
Oh, come on. You know I gotta be tough with you.
I can't show favoritism
in front of my other employees.
You told Ashley in kayaks
that I lost my penis in the Gulf War.
I did that. Come on, man.
The point is, I see potential in you, Stu.
Just type in your destination.
- I'm not going to Bosley. - But...
I'm banging a chick that works there.
- Is her name Propecia? - Huh?
- Hmm? - All right.
Give me some of them Coffee Crisps, son.
I need the full Stuber experience
or you're getting one star again. Whoo!
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Okay, this is gonna sound complicated.
But what I need you to do is take Alta Loma,
down to North Croft Street.
- Five cheeseburgers. - Five cheeseburgers.
- No onions, no pickles.
- Did you say five cheeseburgers? - No onions! No pickles!
- You're not gonna eat this in the car, right? - Oh, no.
- Down at the bar. - How come he uses...
I have four voicemails from him.
...four heart emojis? Every time he texts me...
Harry's parents died and was killed by Voldemort.
I just hate fish.
Now, a lot of people think...
Can't you see I'm in pain here?
Could you at least drive the speed limit?
Watch out!
That's on you, bro.
No! No!
No, go out the window!
"Massive eyebrows?"
Ugh.
Byron Jade.
Shit.
- Happy birthday, Kramer. - Yo, Vic.
- I appreciate it. - McHENRY: It's Kramer's 50th.
I brought you the world's tiniest piece of cake.
I didn't get cake on my birthday.
What're you doin' here?
Like a dog on a bone, you, huh?
Tedjo's a cop killer.
He's still trafficking through LA.
He'll make a mistake. I'll get him.
Look, I don't know how to tell you this...
but you're out of time.
The chief is kicking Tedjo up to the feds.
Bullshit!
I've been working on this case for two years!
Look, we don't have any choice.
It's their case now.
Feds didn't make promises to Morris's family.
Maybe you shouldn't have either.
Losing a partner can sideswipe you.
You're blaming yourself, but it's not your fault.
Look, when was the last time
you took a few days off? Some PTO.
Spend some time with Nikki.
Yeah, I'm gonna see her tomorrow.
She's driving me to a doctor's appointment.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Just old, blind.
Getting Lasik surgery tomorrow.
Okay. Spend some time with your beautiful daughter.
You'll come back a new man.
Yeah.
I'm sorry. Truly am, Vic.
Big lease. This is it, huh?
Yep. I have signed my half.
Once you sign yours, it is official.
I'd have to move some funds around, but, you know...
Check out my photoshop skills.
Oh, wow. That's awesome. That is beautiful.
- Oh, thank you. - Wow.
Wow! Byron Jade!
Oh, yes! He's gonna be our celebrity endorsement.
It's amazing, right?
I just was...
Because you had said that we couldn't
mention me on the pamphlet...
because it's a women-only gym...
and then your man friend Byron Jade...
much more of a man than I am.
Oh, Stu, no, no, no!
No, this is just about getting butts on bikes.
Sign it, sign it, sign it.
Okay!
No regrets.
Stu, oh, I'm gonna cry.
We're gonna be small-business owners.
Actually, I prefer business operator.
'Cause it reminds me of the Sade song
and that is empowering to me, so...
Mmm.
- We're doing it! - Yes!
Becca, I like your shoes.
They don't really go with your outfit...
but, uh, you can pull it off.
Oh, Richie, thank you.
I like your facial hair.
Although, am I your type?
'Cause I'm over 12.
- What? - I'm gonna go...
'cause when you entered,
my tailbone was like, "We're unsafe!"
Will you call me later?
- Yeah. - All right.
Bye!
I'm excited!
She was making a joke.
I don't like when girls make jokes.
Hey, um, can I pick up some more shifts?
I need some more cash coming in.
Not in this economy. Cool?
Sure.
Also, not really an appropriate question
to ask your boss.
Yeah. You think Becca would fuck me?
I don't.
The blurriness should dissipate
in the next 24 hours, give or take.
Rest, no driving, avoid stress...
increased heart rate, sunlight, heat, dust.
You might experience some dizziness, headache.
All right.
Looking good.
Keep these on the rest of the day.
Okay.
How long before I can see straight, doc?
When you can read the bottom line,
you're good to go.
God, it's bright.
Hold on. Hold on. I'm coming, Dad.
- You good? - Yeah.
All right. Watch your step.
Man, that jackass screwed up my eyes. I can't see shit.
So, um, I know it's only August...
but I think I'm gonna do Christmas
with Mom and David this year.
What about eating here?
- It's our Christmas tradition. - No.
This is not our tradition.
This is your tradition. I hate coming here.
Hey, Howard Wu is good people.
And I like the food anyway, it's good.
So, um, guess your eyes are
too banged up to make it tonight?
Tonight! Abbot Kinney.
Oh. Of course.
Yeah, no, I was just thinking about that earlier.
You think I'd miss my baby girl's first gallery show?
Well, you did schedule eye surgery
the same day as it, so...
Well, even if I was having
a heart transplant today, I'd be there.
Right. But you can't actually see, so...
I'll get up real close then.
Don't do that.
Don't do that where you breathe like that.
I'll be there.
Just pick me up on your way.
Oh. Sure, yeah, I'll drive two hours out of my way,
in traffic, during a heatwave...
to pick you up. Instead of...
I don't know, getting ready for maybe
the biggest night of my career.
Give me your phone.
Come on, come on! Give me your phone.
If you're really serious about coming...
then I'm gonna make it as easy on you as possible.
Okay.
This is Uber.
- Yes, I know what Uber is. - Okay.
Then you know how to get to your daughter's art show...
that you definitely remembered was tonight.
Okay, you're gonna need a password, so...
- My birthday, how about that? - Your birthday.
That's a good test.
Okay. Do you have any good selfies? You're gonna need a picture.
I don't know.
Wow. Cool pics, Dad.
Okay, look at me.
Great. Here you go.
- Hey. - What?
I can't wait for tonight.
With runners at the corners
and a one-one count,
nobody out.
The pitch...
for a ball.
I gotta tell you,
Los Angeles is now putting themselves...
in the mix for the playoff hunt.
They've got the third lowest...
- Yeah. - It's tonight.
The drop is going down, man. Hundred-fucking-percent.
Leon, whose drop?
Tedjo.
- Tedjo? - Yeah, he's back.
Yo, man, this is big.
Are you fucking sure?
300 keys. Maybe even more.
That's your fucking intel, all right, Vic?
Oh, you done good, buddy.
You done good. Where are you?
Koreatown.
Cordova and Vermont.
Where's Tedjo making the drop?
Leon?
Leon! Fuck!
Fuck!
You got this.
Out of the way!
Hey, asshole! Move it!
God damn it!
Oh, fuck! Shit!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Sorry!
I'll pay for that!
So you can work out without having men ogle you.
Just you and your gal pals,
listening to Sia, getting your beach bods.
Out of the way!
Get out of the way!
- Are you okay? - No, I'm not!
- Move it! I'm a cop! - Stop! Stop!
Get all of this shit out of the road!
Yeah, yeah, I see the bulldozer!
Stop!
God damn it! God damn it!
You okay, man?
You assholes got a permit for this hole?
What?
"These people"?
Jesus Christ.
Please be a five-star ride.
Hey!
- Uber? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Be cool. Be nice. Smile. Smile.
- Uber? - Yeah.
Hey.
Let me guess, you want me to drive you
to all the Sarah Connors in the city, huh?
Come on. Start it up. Let's go.
Oh, it's already started.
Electric car.
I call it "silent but deadly."
Kind of like a fart, but instead it's a great car.
Drive.
I'm Stu. How do you do?
Can I get you some bottled water?
Some Canadian chocolates?
It was one of those things where I thought I was getting five bars on Amazon,
- but I ended up getting five... - Koreatown. Now.
Koreatown.
Now.
Hold on. I'm gonna bang a U-ey here real quick.
Nope. Don't got it. Hold on.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh. Didn't quite make it.
- Just a second. - Let's go!
Looks like someone drove their car into a ditch.
They should put a sign up.
Well, if they didn't see the ditch,
they're not gonna see the sign.
Just a couple more points and we got it.
Another record-setting day
in Los Angeles. Hottest day since 1911.
Stay safe, folks. This is Madness!
What kind of music do you like?
I got a fully-loaded iPod.
I got rap, hip-hop, R&B, adult-contempo...
world music.
Name a thing, I bet I have it. Let's play a game.
Cool glasses, man.
What, are you going to
a racquetball game later?
I can't see.
Oh, my God. You're blind?
I am so sorry.
I didn't know it was like that.
It'll come back.
That's the spirit.
Did you just throw those out the window?
I know. Classic rock.
Music to work out to, my man.
Styx. What's that song?
"Come Sail Away."
That's what it's called! "Come Sail Away."
You know, generally people
who don't want conversation hop in the back.
If you sit shotgun,
it's sort of code that you're D-T-T.
- Down-To-Talk. - I'm more...
D-T-shut-the-fuck-up.
That's funny.
No, seriously, how much do you bench?
Two-hundo? Three-hundo?
I wanna get up to, you know, having a 45 on each side.
Bang those out.
Grandfather wore glasses, but glaucoma so...
Why are we stopping?
- What the hell's going on? - Hi.
- I'm Sloan.
Melanie.
- What the hell? - The USC campus, right?
- Yeah. - Can I interest you in some
Canadian chocolate? Coffee Crisps?
- We're actually late... - Nope, we're good...
...so if you could get us there.
What the hell's going on?
Two young women have just
gotten into the back seat of the car.
You selected the UberPool option, so...
Uber-what?
UberPool.
You pool the cost of the ride
with other passengers going in the same direction.
No. No.
It's actually very cost-efficient.
They're going to USC and he's just...
No, no, no. Ladies, official police business.
Is that even real?
Get the fuck out of the car!
- Oh, God! - Go, go!
- Move it, move it! - Stop yelling at us!
- Grab your shit... - What? No, no.
- ...and get out! - Seriously?
- No, please come back! - So lame!
Please don't penalize my star rating! Not my fault!
Come on. Let's go, Steve.
Come on.
Are you staring at me?
So, can we rewind real quick?
"Official police business"?
Just going to see a friend.
Never Uber'd a cop before. Ever been shot?
Ever taken a bullet for someone?
What do you mean?
Like, have you ever...
jumped in front of someone and taken a bullet
that was intended for that person?
You know what I mean?
Person, bullet, you.
You think by the time a gun is fired
that you can jump in front of a bullet?
Now I'm starting to question it.
Yeah, we don't live in slow-motion land, kid.
I bet you're also wondering...
if I've ever walked away from a big explosion
and not looked over my shoulder.
You've made your point.
Shot out the tires on a car speeding towards me.
A hundred times over.
We're here.
It's been a five-star ride for me.
Hope it's been a five-star ride for you.
If you want your five stars...
keep the meter running.
Oh, there's no meter.
People will just call another Uber.
That's...
Bye, forever!
Wow.
"Andre the giant motherfucker."
God damn it.
Hurry up.
Leon!
Damn it!
Leon!
Smooth operator speaking.
Fucking Byron, man! He's a piece of shit!
He came over. He goes to the bathroom...
I obviously immediately look at his phone.
It's fucking full of all these pictures...
of all these girls who look
barely out of fucking high school.
It's like vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina.
Oh, my God! I broke up with him!
Becca, you are a queen.
Byron is a full-on piece of shit
and he doesn't deserve you.
I wanna lock myself in my apartment like Grey Gardens.
I want to Grey Gardens myself.
That is the most depressing verb I've ever heard.
I wanna scream into a cup for six years.
I'm gonna start drinking.
Then Yogurtland, then vengeance.
- Tequila? - Yes.
God, yes. Always.
Well, I'll bring a bottle and some yogurt.
- You decide the order, okay? - Okay.
Stu, will you hurry?
I really need you.
I'm just gonna drop off Douche Lundgren
and I'll be right over, okay?
Okay.
All right. Okay, you hang up first.
Okay, I'm hanging up.
No. Oh. She's gone.
Yes!
Leon, where's the drop?
If you're using again. Leon!
I'm sorry, Leon.
So did you find your friend?
Is that blood?
No.
All right. So we're done.
I'll just drop you off where I picked...
Yo, Amber.
What's up, girl? It's Leon!
Yeah!
Been a minute.
Yeah. Where you at, girl?
All right, you know I can dig that. Ha!
All right, you keep that ass warm for Leon.
Ha-ha!
Yeah. You know that, girl.
Very problematic.
Sizzle Room. Compton.
What other races can you do impressions of? Can you do me?
Compton!
Okay, stop just yelling neighborhoods.
That's not how Uber works, okay?
You're quick to anger.
Oh, didn't quite make it.
Oh, come on.
And I'm parked.
Let's go.
Hey.
- Yes? - Come on.
I don't want you driving off on me.
Nah. I'm all sizzled out for the day.
Thanks for the invite, though.
Let's go.
I'm not going in there.
The Sizzle Room's health grade is a B.
Which I'm pretty sure stands for Hepatitis B.
Look, I know you think you have more important things to do right now.
- I do. - You don't.
Now I paid for a driver...
and I'm getting a fucking driver...
with little gold stars.
Come on.
It smells like balls in here.
Wonder why.
This is the bar.
Hey. Looking for Amber Titties.
It's pronounced Tittyais. It's French.
She's in the back.
Come on. Let's go.
Uh, no, I'll respect the dancers' privacy.
What's wrong? You've never seen a naked woman before?
Come on.
Drunk bastard just gave me a dollar.
Cool.
And that was Thor!
A lot of security back here.
I'm gonna check it out. Stay put.
So, yes, I'll have them see the house
tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.
That looks good. What is that? Chicken salad?
- Mm-hmm. You want a bite? - No thank you, sweetie.
But here's the thing though,
you really think you should be eating that?
Well, I mean, I am hungry.
Water only...
four hours before stage! Ain't that right, fellas?
- Yeah. Yes, ma'am. - Them's the rules.
Not even, like, a granola bar?
- Is that healthy? - Who the fuck are you?
Oh, no, actually, I just mean carbs...
- are unfairly demonized. - No.
If that's how he's lookin',
I wouldn't change what he's cookin'.
- It's fine. - Oh, it's fine?
So you think people come in here to see
a fat piece of shit floppin' his tits around?
I don't have tits!
Nobody wants to see a big dick hanging off a bag of garbage.
Shouldn't have weighed in. I'm sorry. Not a pun.
Oh, no, no. Please continue to
mansplain to me what I'm supposed to be doing.
'Cause, you know, as a woman, I have no fucking idea!
You do your thing.
I'll go fuck myself.
Thank you so much for giving me permission.
Are you still eating that?
- Ms. Titties? - Tittyais.
Who the fuck's asking? We not hiring, honey.
LAPD.
Need to talk to you for a second.
- I'm so sorry. - No, no, no. It's my fault.
You don't have man boobs.
Her bark is way more vicious than her bite.
That's not true. She bit me. It really hurt.
Hey, can you give me a hand with something?
Your self-esteem?
She was up by twelve points in August.
I was all in.
Oh, man.
Three red roses?
Girl is thirsty.
He was a good man.
A loyal customer. A friend.
So were you two close, close?
Leon was a complicated man.
He liked blowjobs from the back.
That's tough.
Weird.
I just love her, man. I do. Since college.
- Does she know? - No.
You know, we had sex once...
like a year and-a-half ago.
She was going through a breakup.
I'm over at her house, and we're getting drunk...
we're watching When Harry Met Sally...
and then one thing lead to another...
and then her Harry met my Sally and it was great.
But then she acted like nothing happened.
So then I acted like nothing happened,
and so then nothing happened.
All right. Look.
You need to tell her how you feel.
A relationship cannot thrive without honesty.
That's why Amber calls me out
for being a fat piece of dogshit.
That's abuse. That's a different thing.
No, it's love. Tough love.
Look, we about to get a rush.
What's your fat Freddie Mercury-looking-ass
got for me?
All right.
Let's cut the shit.
Tedjo.
Leon ever mentioned that name to you?
Say anything about a big shipment?
Think real hard, Ms. Tittyais.
That's why I dropped all the charges against Amber.
Oh.
Wait, wait, that's her ringtone.
That's Becca's ringtone.
I need a good background.
What's a good, neutral background?
- Hey! - Hello. Guess who just wrote
roughly fourteen paragraphs on Byron's Facebook page...
about what a worthless sleazebag he is.
Ah, yes. The revenge phase.
Three glasses of Savah-Bee will do that to a girl.
Yep, you are drunk.
The alcohol is actually helping.
Because it's giving me clarity.
Clarity?
- What kind of clarity? - Okay.
Um, did I just see a penis? Where are you?
Oh. Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere.
Did I just see a dick the size
of Simon Birch, or what's going on?
Don't worry. What were you saying?
- "Clarity"? - Okay, I have this crazy idea.
I'm feeling a lot of stuff right now.
With the business and you.
I want you to come over. And I want to watch...
When Harry Met Sally.
Remember the time we did it?
Did what?
Oh, my God!
I don't wanna put you in a weird position...
if you don't wanna do it again.
Oh, no, no, no. It's not a weird position.
It's a good position.
You know what? Yeah, let's do it.
Okay, great! Cool. I'm here!
I'll just come right over.
And, uh, we'll do it.
Beep!
No take backs.
- Did you hear that? - Becca wants to fuck!
Oh, my God! What am I gonna do?
- You're gonna fuck! - But then what?
We just don't talk about it?
Not this time. This time you tell her how you feel.
You open your heart. You be honest. Go.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Lock it down.
- Lock it down.
I'm gonna lock it down. I'm gonna tell her how I feel.
Amo.
Amo Cortez.
Amo Cortez?
Leon did a minute in Lancaster.
Amo was his cellmate.
I overheard them talking last week.
He was trying to get Leon in on something.
He said it was gonna be big.
You know where I could find Amo?
Runs with the Alamitos 13.
That's all I know.
Steve. Let's go.
Steve!
Uh...
Where are my keys?
Going somewhere?
- Those are mine! - Nah, they're mine
- until I'm done with you. - No, no, no.
I'm going to see Becca right now.
No. Long Beach. Then we'll talk.
- Fuck Long Beach. Fuck you. - Hey!
I will drag your ass to jail.
A white cop dragging around
a brown man. That'll look great.
I'm not white.
You're not white?
What are you? Puerto Rican?
Mexican? Libyan? Chilean?
You're not Chinese.
- I'm the racist one? - You look like...
if all the ugly people in every race fucked!
Come on, let's go. Long Beach.
Get in the car!
You were right.
Yeah, they were just here.
Yeah, there's two of them.
So this Becca chick says, "Jump."
And you say, "How high?"
If you knew her, you'd jump too.
- You'd pole vault. - Oh. Bullshit.
I don't jump for anybody.
'Cause I've got self-respect. You know what that is?
Is that when a blind cop kidnaps an Uber driver?
When I was 14 years old, my dad took me on a...
camping trip out in the desert.
First night there he jumps in his truck, he says,
"I'm going into town to get some groceries."
You know what that really meant?
That meant he was going into town
to get drunk and hook up with a local.
You know, I don't remember
signing up for this TED Talk.
First few hours go by and I think
he's probably got a flat tire.
Then it gets dark, and then it gets cold. I'm hungry.
There is shit in the desert making noise.
I'm scared to death.
And?
So I sat there all night freezing my ass off.
Starving, clutching this pen knife till dawn.
This pen knife.
It's all I had. It got me through.
No, it didn't. The pen knife did nothing.
It was just a psychological security blanket.
Also, you had a terrible, abusive father.
I became a man that night. That's the point.
You don't need to drop your kids off in the desert...
to teach them how to be a man.
What do you know about being a man?
Wow, this place is not gentrified at all.
- We're here? - Hey, you think...
these guys will be gracious enough to let me use an outlet
- to charge my car? - Probably not.
Nuh-uh.
I'm gonna hold onto these.
I'd tell you to stay in the car, but I figure...
you're too afraid to get out, so...
I'm not too afraid to get out.
I just don't want to.
I'm choosing to stay in the car.
LAPD. Open up.
What?
Five-oh! Five-Oh! - Get this shit.
Get it out of here, man!
Get the crystal. What are you doing?
There's some in the back. In the back!
Amo Cortez?
Sorry, homie. This ain't LAPD territory.
Yeah, it is now.
- Hey! - What the fuck, man?
"Yo, Becs! 'Sup...
"girl?
"I'll be slightly late.
"But I'll be right over...
"so we can...
"have sex."
No.
"Get down."
That's too vague.
"So, we can...
"achieve penetration."
Nope, that's not it.
Don't you need a warrant or some shit?
You think I'm playing games?
I guess you won't miss your big, fancy TV then.
Dude, that's a fish tank.
That's the microwave, homes.
What the hell? You guys just sit around...
and watch fish all day? How's that?
And, I'm gonna give you five seconds
to tell me where Amo Cortez is!
"So, we can...
"...fuck."
Yeah. That's it.
People say that.
I wanna fuck you.
No. "So, we can...
"do the thing that we had...
"decided upon." That's good, that's good.
Sent.
God, what have I done?
Attack, Pico!
What's wrong with him?
You assholes.
How much you feed him?
I said how much you feed him?
How do you like that, tough guy?
How does that taste? Taste good?
How do you like that, asshole?
Now, I'm gonna ask you one more time!
Where's Amo Cortez?
Hello, Amo.
Fuck you guys, man!
"It's not the size of the boat
it's the motion..."
Yo, this illegal as fuck, man!
You can't just walk in my momma's house like this!
Tio, do something, man! This is bullshit.
Police brutality in here!
Shit! Watch out
- for the fucking car, man. - Hey, hey.
Fuck you, homie! I got fucking rights!
No. Fuck you, homie!
You're looking at five years for possession.
- Unless you wanna talk. - Uh, Vic?
No?
Watch him. I'll be back.
This is bullshit, man!
No. No, no. Vic. Vic. No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey. You cannot just leave him in my car.
This is a hard no for me.
- This is an UberPool, right? - No, it's not an UberPool!
Don't act like...
you know what UberPool is, okay?
You learned that earlier today.
Here, take this.
Oh, no, I am not touching that.
He can help me crack a case
I've been working on for years!
He's handcuffed.
- He's locked in a car. - I'm not doing it.
- The safety's on. - No.
Just point it at him.
Don't let him smell you're a civilian.
Two minutes. You get your five stars...
and you're free to go see your girl, man.
And you get to tell her how you helped an officer in need.
Steve...
this is your night in the desert.
My name is Stu.
Fuck you.
Hey, asshole! How many bags did you feed the dog?
I don't know, man. I lost count.
What?
We good.
You okay, buddy? You okay?
Yeah.
Is this an Uber?
Man, fuck this! I'm out of here.
Hey!
This ain't no Uber.
I'm undercover.
And I'm the bad cop, you little girl.
- Open this door! - My partner may look scary...
but I'm the wolf in sheep's clothing.
- What? - Back at the precinct
they call me "Wolf".
Stop that! Why are you laughing?
Stop that!
Stop! Stop that!
Stop laughing! I'm a cop! I'm being for real!
Fuck you! You ain't no cop!
I am a cop!
I'll take you downtown!
Stop that!
You're gonna go to jail!
I'll fucking book you, man!
No!
Please, please! Stop it!
Stop kicking!
Oh, shit!
How dare you!
You fucking shot me!
Fuck!
- You shot me, man! - What the hell did you do?
- You said the safety was on! - It was!
Oh, my God! He's bleeding out! I killed him!
You got shot in the leg.
Good for you. Take Pico.
Hey, asshole, get your ass back in that car.
Hey, Amo.
Talk to me. Tedjo deal.
Hey. The Tedjo deal, what do you know?
It's going down.
- When? - Tonight!
- Where? - At the...
Hey, hey!
At the...
Don't you pass out.
God damn it. He passed out.
All right, we gotta get this guy to the hospital.
Oh, God.
What should I do with this dog?
Mr. Cortez, I want you to know I'm really sorry!
He can't hear you. He's in shock.
Are you... Oh, come on.
You need a tissue?
Teddy bear?
You got a blanky in the trunk you want me to grab?
Jesus.
I'm really overwhelmed right now.
Tears are a natural response
to the immense pressure I'm currently experiencing.
Yeah, sure. Naturally.
Everyone cries. It's good for you.
I don't cry. Pico doesn't cry.
You cried when you were a baby.
Nope. Never.
- You don't remember that. - I remember my birth.
Oh, you're getting rid of the murder weapon!
Take Sepulveda over to Crenshaw.
There's a hospital there.
Okay, okay. Hospital.
Good. It's a hospital. Okay.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Come on! Get your ass over here and help me!
- You said hospital! - This is a hospital.
- It's a animal hospital! - He's an animal.
Oh, yeah, we'll check him for heartworms!
- Get his leg. - Sorry.
Sorry, sorry! All right, sorry.
- Hello, Victor. - Hey, doc.
Take a deep breath, all right? You didn't do anything wrong.
I shot a guy. I'm gonna go to jail.
I'm the guy who would arrest you for that,
and I'm not gonna arrest you.
That scumbag over there...
sells heroin to kids.
Now sit down.
- Is he okay? - He's fine.
Just some mild tissue damage.
- Pooch okay? - He's good.
Eight more came out. What do you wanna do with him?
Find him a good home.
He'll wake up soon.
Just tell him to stay off that leg for a while.
All right, I'm coming!
Hold on to your poop bags.
Hey, Pico. How are you, boy?
Come here. Come on, pup-pup.
Let's go, Peanut. There we go.
I'll be back.
All right. Wake up, asshole.
Tedjo deal.
When and where?
- Fuck you, pig. - Oh, yeah?
Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?
Now, when and where?
Oh, Amo, you just don't wanna make this easy, do you?
When and where?
Hey, hey, hey! Stop that. Stop torturing him.
Says the guy who shot him.
Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
And I feel really horrible about it.
- Hey! When and where? - Shit!
You know what? I have an idea.
You don't always have to use brute force.
You can use your brain sometimes.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right. Let's see this.
This is your phone, right?
Yeah. Sure is.
Oh, look, you've got Twitter. Perfect.
What are you doing, man?
"I love Ryan Gosling."
- Open parenthesis. - What? What?
- "So hot." - No!
- Send. - What the...
Look, bunch of notifications coming in.
Very engaged audience.
"Here are my favorite...
"...Ryan Gosling movies."
- No, no, no! - "Number three...
"The Notebook."
- No! - "Number two...
"The Notebook."
- What? - "Number one...
"La La Land." Send.
- I hate Gosling, man! - "Our leader..."
What's the name of the leader?
Doc Ramirez, right?
- Doc? - "Doc Ramirez...
"wears diapers...
"because he is lactose intolerant and loves cheese."
That's a lie!
I'm gonna hit "send".
I wonder if Doc Ramirez will see this.
1:00 a.m. at the salvage yard!
- Yes. - Hey, stop!
I'm gonna go.
Hey.
I get it. It was too much for you.
Oh, you mean shooting an unarmed, handcuffed man...
in the back seat of the electric vehicle I lease?
Yeah, it was a lot.
And please don't take this the wrong way...
but go fuck yourself.
Stay right there.
Bad things happen to people...
but it doesn't affect them if they don't think about it.
You are doing great.
Just focus on Becca.
Becca.
Hey, asshole.
Is this the Uber app?
- Uh, Vic? - What?
Oh, shit.
Oh! What the hell do you want?
This is more about what you want, Detective Manning.
You know my name. I'm freakin' flattered.
Want another partner... to die on your watch?
- Little shit's not my partner. - No, no, no.
Don't listen to him. He's bluffing.
We're very close.
No, we're not. Shoot him.
I just asked him to be the godfather of my children.
Yes? You'll do it?
Save your breath, Steve.
We're in love. There. It's out there. Ahh!
This is how it's gonna play out.
That ugly cocksucker...
You're not that ugly.
...is gonna offer up a swap.
You for Amo, straight up.
Me for Amo, straight up? Awesome!
As soon as we make the swap...
he's gonna shoot us both.
Senor Cortez here, too.
That's bullshit, man.
No, he's right actually. Boss hates loose ends.
I told you.
Oh! But after I located your partner's car here...
I called in a few colleagues.
How cute. The rest of Cobra Kai.
Hey, guys, why don't we talk this out?
Let's talk about how we feel. I'll start.
I feel scared when someone has a gun to my head.
How do you feel?
I'm guessing swap's off the table.
I'll trade you for a sculpture.
I hear your daughter's hot shit.
What'd you say?
God damn it.
Hold on.
Here we go, babies. Get on.
Come on. Come on, Jolly.
It's okay. Yeah.
Vic!
Vic! Vic!
Oh, my God. I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die at a hospital for animals.
No. Hey, hey.
Pull it together, all right?
I need you to take out these lights.
Level the playing field.
I don't have a gun!
Hey!
Come on! Hey!
Look, I need you to...
kill those lights. Now!
- Come on! - Okay.
Hey. We're gonna make it out of this, okay?
You can do it. All right?
- You can do this! - I can do this!
- You ready? - Yeah!
Go!
Fuck you!
Hello!
How many are left?
Just one.
I got one bullet.
I got one can.
If it hits somebody, I'll know where to shoot.
All right, you can do this. Make this count.
All right.
I see him.
Fuck! I missed!
I got him!
Fuck. It worked.
Hey.
I need you to send a text for me that says...
"He's dead."
When my grandmother died she looked so peaceful.
These men do not look peaceful.
- They look murdered. - Stu.
I need Tedjo to think I'm dead.
There are no contacts. Only one number.
That's Tedjo.
He gives his guys burner phones.
Sorry, I haven't used T9 in so long.
Hit "send".
So this Tedjo guy killed your partner?
And he oversees a heroin pipeline...
that's gonna kill a lot more people.
Teenagers. Kids.
Okay.
Well, heroin is so bad.
And I think it's worse when kids do it.
So I hope you...
Uh...
Hey. Hey!
Hey, Nicole!
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, my God! I can't believe you're here!
I wouldn't miss it.
Oh, wow. Is ol' Vic with ya?
Um, you know, I haven't seen him yet,
but I'm sure he'll show up at some point.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
Listen, um, I can't stay long.
But before I go, I'm gonna take that small...
scorpion sculpture off your hands. It is stunning.
Thank you.
Come here.
I have so loved watching you grow up.
Your father would be so proud.
Thank you.
All right. Good night.
Where the hell are you going?
They picked up your plates.
They think you're my partner.
If they can run your plates, they sure as shit can find where you sleep!
And your girlfriend.
You're in this now.
All I wanted to do was drive nights, a few weekends.
Save up enough money to open a goddamn spin gym for women
with my platonic friend
who I happen to be in love with.
Pathetic? Sure.
But it was manageable!
Do you know how many people I just watched die?
Five.
Technically four. You fainted before Amo got shot in the head.
Rhetorical!
Rhetorical question, dude!
I'm gonna need therapy for the rest of my life.
And I don't have insurance.
So I'm gonna have to get cheap student therapists
who quote white guys with Indian names
and tell me that I should meditate.
I do meditate!
Yes!
Get angry! Own that shit!
Now, come on. Let's go!
What do I need to do to make this all end?
We gotta get to Venice now.
Come on. My daughter could be in trouble. Let's go.
Come on, let's go!
Becca!
I think we're good. I don't think anybody followed us.
How can you be sure?
'Cause they would've shot us in the street.
Just keep your eyes out
for anything suspicious, all right?
Yeah, we're the only suspicious things in here.
Just relax. Grab a drink.
- Drink, sir? - Be all right.
Dad?
- Hey! - Hey, kid!
- You actually came! - Yeah, of course I came.
- Whoa, what is that smell? - A long story.
Blood. Dog food. Vomit.
Wow. Well, honestly...
I'm just glad you're here. I don't care what it is.
- McHenry was just here. - Really?
Who's your friend?
- Oh. Steve. - Steve.
- Stu. - Stu.
I'm Stu.
Hello, Stu.
- Stu. - All right.
So, what do you think?
Yeah, yeah. Wow.
Wow.
- Right? - Oh.
Look at that.
Look at the red...
flowing into the blue. It reminds me of, uh...
Remember that Bricker case?
That guy got shot in the head in a swimming pool.
Blood just kind of flowed out in the waters.
He was a pimp.
Cool, yeah. What do you think of the sculptures, though?
Because that's what I do. I'm a sculptor.
No.
- I was just saying. - Mmm-hmm.
- Let me show you this... - I gotta, uh...
I gotta drop a deuce.
Vic!
Nah. It's okay. I'm used to that.
So, how do you know my dad?
He kidnapped me.
We killed some people.
Huh.
I'm on the fence.
Really? I think she's brilliant.
Her pieces are so emotionally charged.
Reminds me of a young Richard Serra.
Like if Tilted Arc had a soul.
I love this one.
I'll take it. Put a sold sign on that, please.
It's a spin gym for women called...
"Spinster".
That is a terrible name.
No, no, no, I don't think you heard. It's a spin gym.
So it's like a pun.
It's a play on the words. It's whimsical.
It's welcoming. It's fun. "Come on in."
A spinster is an old woman who never found love.
You might as well call your gym "Old Hag Bikes".
Huh.
I'm just saying, like, if it's your passion...
- maybe find a better name. - It's not my passion.
Well, then what is your passion?
You know, I feel like
LA's full of people following their passion.
We need more people to settle. We need more settlers.
You know, this country was founded on settlers.
- So... - Hey, honey.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Okay.
Hey.
Great work with the sculptures, honey.
Really solid stuff.
Reminiscent of a young Richard Serra.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Here.
Oh, do not hand me a...
- Take this. - Jesus, Dad.
- Here. - Dad, I do not want that!
There's some really bad shit going down tonight. Okay?
I checked the place out. It's clear.
But it's better safe than sorry.
- Take that. - Oh, God.
Remember how I taught you to shoot?
Yes.
I hate when you do this.
Anything else?
So, I need to borrow your keys to the house.
Yeah, I need to get into my old storage.
Is that why you came?
No.
God, no. I wanted to see your work.
And make sure you were safe.
But I also didn't have time to run back to Eagle Rock.
So it's a three-for-one.
For a second there...
I actually thought you gave a shit about my work.
Hey. This is serious.
- I'm close to Tedjo. - Yeah.
You're always close to something except for
the people who actually need you.
- I'm so done. - Hey.
Nicole, wait!
Keys?
You know I can't see.
What did you say to her, man? You ruined her night.
I don't know. I gave her my Glock.
See, that's your problem!
You give people Glocks instead of love.
Suddenly the Uber driver knows all about parenting.
You're just very abrasive and you're insensitive,
and you're very scary and you're...
Oh, my God!
That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about!
Why did you do that?
To get cops here. Just in case. Let's go.
Go, go.
Where is it?
Box.
Oh, you used to be happy. That's adorable.
You know, I would have said you should smile more...
but now that I see this picture...
good call on quitting smiling.
Your face looks really bad when you smile.
It also looks really bad when you don't smile.
You have a bad face.
Oh, man.
I've only got six rounds left.
Are these two other hostages you took?
- You're not helping. - Did you just yell...
"cruise ship" at them until they took you?
Look, I need more ammo.
And we've only got an hour.
Outside The Box.
Outside the box. Outside the box.
All right, now, let's brainstorm.
We can find a black market gun dealer.
- No, it's where I work. - Uber?
Like Uber Eats?
They have Uber Guns? Uber Bullets?
Oh, this is your other horrible job?
I came here once to buy some fishing gear.
Clerk was a real dick.
I wanted to shoot him in the leg,
but I had self-control.
Yeah, that was probably my boss.
He's the second worst guy I've ever met.
Who's the first?
I'll give you a hint.
It's you.
All right.
I thought you just needed a couple of bullets, bud.
Well, you can never be too prepared.
Yeah, but somebody has to pay for all this shit.
- Put it on my Uber tab. - There's no tab!
Uber is not a general store in the Old West!
Oh, no.
Hey, Becca, I'm so, so sorry. Uh, something came up.
Stu, I'm so sorry.
I did not mean to freak you out.
If you don't wanna have sex, I understand, I'm disgusting.
No, no, no.
- You didn't freak me out. - Shit.
I'm definitely down to clown.
- I wanna do the deed. - What?
And then we're gonna have a talk.
You know what? I was gonna say...
maybe you should not come over.
Because, okay... So, Byron called me...
and he sounded really sorry.
And he was like, "I should come over and talk,"
and I think I should just hear him out.
- You know? - No, no, no.
Do not let Byron come over, okay?
He does not deserve to be let back into your life.
Wait for me, okay?
I'll be there. Wait for me.
Okay. Oh, God, this night is so crazy for me.
I'll be right there.
Lovers' quarrel?
Oh, I forgot you're not lovers.
Hey, this is good, right?
Fuck off, okay?
And put that back! That's way too much stuff!
Why do you need propane tanks?
Are you gonna have a barbecue later?
You have no friends!
You're gonna get me fired!
You weren't planning on working
in this shithole your whole life, were you?
Oh, what? I hurt your feelings?
No. Actually, I feel bad for you.
After seeing how you treat your own daughter...
it's clear that you don't give a shit about anyone else.
Wait. Are you mad at me?
Or are you mad at that girl you refuse to man up to?
Oh, you're gonna give me relationship advice?
You spend more time
obsessing over your dead partner...
than paying attention to your alive daughter...
who, news flash, wants to be a part of your life.
You know what that makes you?
- A good cop? - A shitty father!
All right. You know what?
You've been annoying me all goddamn day...
I've been annoying you?
What?
I don't need a therapy session from Little Man Uber.
Life is hard. That's what we signed up for.
And I handle my shit like a real man.
I don't bitch and moan and whine and cry...
like your pansy ass!
Oh, you feel like a real man, huh?
Killing people, avenging, kicking ass...
taking names, torturing perps.
You know what?
I could've called another Uber driver earlier,
and you know why I didn't?
Because you don't know
- how to use apps! - No.
Because I wouldn't find one weaker than you!
You're too chicken shit to tell that girl you like her!
You're too chicken shit to stand up to me!
And you're a chicken shit...
who deserves zero stars.
Oh, what? What, are you getting mad?
- Come on. Don't you... - Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?
- What are you gonna do about it, Steve? - My name is Stu!
Ow! Jesus! Shit!
Oh, here we go.
Huh? You think you're tough shit? Come on!
Tough guy, huh?
Wanna face me like a man? All right, here we go.
We don't have to be violent! We can talk!
I'm not gonna sit in a kumbaya circle jerk with you...
and cry like a little girl!
I'm calling time out!
No! No! Time out! Stop! I said time out!
Respect the time out!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Time out!
You little shit!
Where'd you go?
Hey!
Girls are strong!
They give birth to us.
You should wish you were like a woman!
The future is female!
Coward! Where are you?
You're the coward!
You can't face your own feelings!
You remember that part of NeverEnding Story...
where Atreyu has to walk through the Oracle Gates...
and those giant sphinx statue things can see
a warrior's true internal nature?
- What? - And that super scary
knight gets vaporized...
because deep down he doesn't believe in himself?
Yeah?
That's you!
Ha! You live your life the way...
Real men cry!
Real men listen to their feelings!
Oh, no.
I'll kill you!
You fucked with the wrong Uber driver!
- I think you broke my arm. - Fighting is hard.
You gotta have stamina.
Yeah.
I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did.
- That's 'cause I was winning. - You were not.
- It was fun. I totally won. - I was kicking your ass.
I won.
Couple of homeless guys humping in my store, huh?
Little squat and fuck?
Stuber, that you?
"Stuber."
Oh, that's great, 'cause you drive an Uber.
That's a great pun.
Who the hell are you? And why are you so huge?
Jesus, what are you benching? Like, 310, 350?
Easy, kid.
Just put the crossbow down. We'll get out of your hair.
Jesus, Stuber!
What the hell did you and your gigolo friend do to my store?
It's your dad's store.
He's a cop. He's working an important case.
Case?
- Is that what you call your butt? - Look, pal.
We're in a hurry.
You got another sporting goods store
you gotta fuck in or something?
Listen, do you know what this is?
- Huh. - That's blood.
It is.
I've done things tonight you would not believe.
Oh, yeah?
I signed a lease on a spin gym.
Weird.
I provided emotional support to a male stripper.
You're saying these things like they're scary.
- I shot a man in cold blood. - Yeah.
I watched him die.
From someone else's bullet, but I loosened him up.
Yeah, right, Stuber.
Hey.
His name is Stu.
My name is Stu.
How do you do?
He's fucking crazy.
Yeah.
Easy, Stu.
I quit.
And I'm telling your dad
you masturbate in the handicap stall.
Oh, don't do that.
I'll just use a regular stall.
You're pathetic.
Stu, hold on.
You're my best friend, man.
What?
Yeah. The back and forth...
the razzing, you and me.
It's the best part about this whole stupid job.
It's, like, the worst part for me.
Do you have any idea what it's like...
to know the only reason you even have a job
is because your dad owns this place?
And you're balding? Fuck.
I honestly don't see any hair loss on you.
Yeah, you should see my drain when I shower.
Yeah, but that's shedding.
That's normal. Everyone has that.
- Plus your follicles... - Hey, Stu, we gotta go.
Stu, wait.
You really don't think I'm losing hair?
If you are...
it's very subtle.
Thanks, Stu.
I'll get that.
Low battery charge.
Press button to check.
Ah, shit. I'm running out of power. I gotta recharge.
No, we don't have time.
The salvage yard is not far anyway.
Well, looks like we're at the end of our road, huh?
Not literally.
I'll drop you up the road.
This was...
It wasn't fun.
You can't drop me off. I need you to come with me.
No, no, no.
You're a cop. I'm a civilian.
You're built for justice. I'm built for brunch.
I do civilian things. I like walks.
And I really wanna get into brewing beer.
Like IPAs, maybe a nice Hefeweizen.
But I cannot do that if I'm dead.
All right.
I'll do it myself.
Listen...
I know you're this, like, Steven Seagal badass
who doesn't need shit from anyone.
Your dad was a dick to leave you in the desert.
Sometimes people need help,
and it is not a sign of weakness to ask for it.
Call for backup.
I don't know where Vic is. How would I know?
Vic?
I know you think I'm the boy who cried Tedjo,
but I got the drop location.
I know this went to the feds...
but I really need backup.
Okay.
Really?
You're a pain in my ass, but I trust you.
All right, they're making a deal in Inglewood.
Watseka Salvage.
The meet goes down in half an hour.
Send in the cavalry. Call in SWAT.
- Okay. You got it, Vic. - And, Captain...
thanks for not giving up on me.
You bet.
See? Didn't that feel good?
You asked for help and the sky didn't fall.
That's technically not the sky.
That's the sky's tears.
It's tears of joy 'cause the sky is proud of you.
Please shut up.
Well, no worries.
I found Vic.
Great.
No!
Can you tell me what you see?
Three black Lexuses.
Lexi? Lexuses?
Lexi.
Yeah. They're waiting for Tedjo.
You should get out of here, man.
Things are gonna get hairy.
Are you sure you're okay?
Yeah, you should go. Look, cavalry's on the way...
SWAT, the whole deal.
Go on, call that girl.
Okay.
Goodbye.
Come on.
- What are you doing? - Get over here, big guy.
After all the horrors we've been through...
we've earned this. Come on.
- Save it for a tree, bud. - Hey.
Men can hug. Okay?
And I know deep inside that...
needlessly muscular body...
is the biggest muscle of all, your heart.
- And I want to hug that heart. - Stu!
Thank you for driving.
Oh, my God. Jesus. Stu, what happened to you?
Becca, I have to tell you something.
Okay, then...
come over, Stu.
- And we can... - Becca, I am in love with you.
And I have been since the moment we met.
You date assholes.
I'm sorry, but you do.
And I wait on the sidelines, and I come when you call...
and I encourage you and I make your dreams my dreams...
and I guess I've just been hoping that someday
you would look at me and see me differently.
And something would click!
What the...
Uh, I'm sorry, this is a little unfair. Um...
So you were too afraid to tell me
how you felt and now it's my fault...
for not clicking?
No, no, no. You're right.
It's not your fault, it's my fault.
I just can't do this anymore.
I can't have casual sex with you
and pretend like I don't feel anything.
I can't open a business with you
and hope that that will make you fall in love with me.
Okay, all right.
I guess I'll find the other half somehow.
No, no. Keep my money, seriously.
I know it's gonna be very successful
and as an investor I'll become super wealthy.
But it's your dream, not mine.
Wait, what?
But I don't wanna lose you. Can we still be friends?
No.
No. Because I am in love with you.
I'm gonna go.
I'll give you a call when I'm not
waiting for that click anymore.
- Okay. - Bye.
Bye.
That is a weak-ass cavalry.
Are they here?
Coming in right here.
- Get the shit. - Bring 'em.
Oh, got your ass.
Fuck.
- Nikki? - Dad!
Hey, I'm still pissed off at you...
but my show is over.
Um, I'm alive and I definitely
don't need this gun anymore, so...
Yeah, Nikki, I gotta call you back.
McHenry's pulling up.
McHenry?
She was acting really weird tonight.
Like, really huggy.
- Yeah, something's not right. - Dad.
What's going on? Where are you?
I gotta go.
Dad?
What's going on?
Where are the feds?
I didn't think we needed 'em.
The feds took over this investigation...
because they're worried about a mole in the force.
They know someone inside is on Tedjo's payroll.
Now drop that rifle!
Drop it!
I'm not a freaking mole.
You know that.
Yeah.
I know, Vic.
No.
You and Tedjo.
The whole time.
I knew all I had to give you was one lead
and you'd track him like a dog.
Leon, are you sure?
That's your fucking intel, all right, Vic?
Where are you?
Koreatown. Cordova and Vermont.
All right, Leon, where's...
And you got your bloody footprints
all over Leon's murder scene.
And I'm on surveillance footage at the Sizzle Room.
McHENRY: Tedjo's distribution center, you mean.
But then you got greedy...
and you got yourself killed in a shoot-out during a drop.
In fact, it happened right over there.
This whole drop's a setup?
McHENRY: No, the drop's happening tonight.
And next week, now that the feds aren't up our ass.
And you tipped off Tedjo.
And you got Morris killed, you rat!
They were supposed to be gone before you guys arrived.
Like I said, Vic...
Morris wasn't your fault.
Wish you were the kind of guy that could have cashed in too.
Hold on, now. Just wait.
Silent but deadly.
What the hell are you talking...
Yes!
- I'm sorry. - Yes!
- So sorry! Oh, God! - Stu!
Vic! Vic!
Yes! Yes!
Let's go!
Go! Go!
I just hit someone with my car!
She'll live.
- You hit a crooked cop. - That was a cop?
Oh, my God. Are you the bad guy?
I'm not the bad guy.
Come on!
Don't let him out of here!
I'm a henchman.
I've been aiding and abetting a bad guy.
You Stockholm-syndromed me.
- That's not cool. - You saved my ass.
You saved my ass, kid. You got brass balls.
- Don't talk about my balls. - It's me and you.
Leave my balls out of it.
We're a team, buddy. Make a U-turn.
Very funny.
I'm not letting Tedjo get away. Not again.
I'm driving, and we're going where I say we go.
- Stu, turn around! - No! Let go!
- Let go! - God damn it...
Stu, turn around!
This is my car!
Fuck, this is a lease!
Will you quit bitching?
Now, punch it!
You know what?
Yeah!
You're a badass!
- Yeah! - There she is!
Go, Stu, go!
- There she is! - Yeah! Go!
Get me closer!
What? No, I'm trying to get away!
- Get me closer! Get me closer! - No! No! No!
Oh, you're scaring me, Stu.
And I love it!
I spent my time driving assholes like you around.
Got pretty good at it.
And I love Styx!
You had me pegged from the start, dude.
I'm gonna turn it up.
Here we go!
Come on!
Come on, come on, come on.
September 1st.
Stu's the driver?
"Ride still in progress"?
I got an idea!
I'm gonna throw this propane tank at them.
You shoot it. It'll blow up their car!
This isn't freakin' Jaws!
Exactly! Just like Jaws. It's gonna work. Ready?
One, two...
go!
Okay, they were bad men.
They made bad choices...
and it was their fault, not mine.
Faster!
Hey!
Hey! Hey, I can see! I can see!
Come on, come on! Faster!
- You got 'em! Yes! - I got 'em! Got 'em! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Low battery charge.
- Damn. - Press button to check.
- No, no, no! - I got 'em.
- What's that beeping? - No! Please, please, please.
- What's that beeping? - Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
What the hell's going on?
We're out of juice.
Well, switch to gas!
There's no gas! It's an electric car!
You got an electric car that doesn't use gas?
Everybody who buys an electric car
has a car that doesn't use gas.
That's what an electric car is.
Well, that shit attitude is not
gonna help us out of this situation.
No attitude will help.
Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
All right, I'm taking out his tires.
Okay.
- Shit! That never works. - Shit.
Oh, my God!
Vic!
Vic, you okay?
You should have worn a seatbelt. Oh, God.
Really? Now?
Sorry. I'll bring it up later.
Shit.
We'll go up there.
Watch it.
I'm blind again!
Give me your phone.
It must have fallen out in the crash.
All right.
Come on, hurry!
Go, go!
I got this.
Hello, operator? We need help. Someone's trying to murder us!
Hello, operator? We need help.
Someone's trying to murder us! Shit.
- Fuck! - Fuck!
Okay, okay.
Come on.
Here.
Please, no.
No, no, no. We're the good guys.
He's a cop. I'm with Uber.
Go, go, go.
Get down, get down. Get down.
Does anyone have a phone?
Thank you.
I'm gonna call 911.
No! No cops.
Right.
- There's no telling who else is on his payroll. - Right.
Okay. We just gotta get out
of here and we're home free.
I got us an UberSUV, so we can all pile in.
Tariq, 4.8 stars, is gonna be here in three minutes.
Six minutes!
He took a right!
You're going the wrong way, Tariq!
What are you doing, dude?
Everyone, pull out your phones.
Call Uber.
Uber. Uber.
Ride-share. Ride-share.
Yeah, dude. We know what Uber is.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna Uber us out of here myself.
No, he's gonna be here in four minutes, dude.
He's on the...
Fuck, he took another right!
How does he have 4.8 stars?
Huh?
Who parked a boat here?
Come on!
Come on, we gotta go! Let's go.
Hey!
- Fuck! - Damn.
Wait.
He has nothing to do with this.
All right? Just let him go.
He's a good man. I forced him to be here.
He's done nothing to you.
What the fuck?
I was going for his face.
That's the feds.
It's over, Tedjo. Put the gun down.
Yeah, we called Agent Tariq.
One of the top agents. Five stars.
He brought his undercover crew with him.
Top of his class at Quantico. He's Dark Ops.
Los Angeles as well.
Tariq, don't shoot him! Don't do it! Don't do it.
- Don't shoot! - Don't do it!
You assholes called multiple Ubers at the same time?
So uncool!
God damn it.
We're fucked.
- Vic? - Stu!
- Vic? - Get the gun!
Grab the gun!
Watch out for his fists!
Stu, get the gun!
Stop! Stop it!
I'm gonna shoot you!
Stop!
Stop it! Stop!
Stu, take the shot! Shoot!
- Just defeat him! - Come on!
He's so little!
- Stop it! - Stu!
Stu!
Take the shot, Stu!
- Shoot! - Come on!
Stu, take the shot!
Back away from my dad!
- Nicole? - Back away from him!
Back away!
Yes!
Dad, come on. Get up, get up!
Watch out. Watch out!
Let him go. Let him go.
No! No!
No.
I'm going to take everything from you.
No.
I will kill you...
if you touch my daughter!
Dad, stop!
Dad, don't!
Dad, fucking stop!
Dad, it's over.
That's it.
- Get down! - Don't move!
Stay down.
Come on, Dad.
On your stomach!
On your stomach! Roll over!
Roll over.
On your stomach, now!
- Hands to your side. - Cuff him.
Are you all right?
I got shot.
I got shot right where the blood is coming from.
Gonna send a helicopter to you.
No!
It was a lease!
There's no gasoline! How would it catch fire?
The propane!
- Hey. - Hey, hey, kid.
- How you feeling? - I can see.
Well, that's good.
- You look great. - Thanks.
I look like I've been up all night.
Hey.
I'm really sorry.
It's okay.
No, it's not.
I'm gonna be better, okay? I promise.
We'll both be better, how about that?
Thank you for taking care of him.
I didn't want to.
He made me.
And for literally taking a bullet for me.
Yeah, I guess that was pretty heroic, huh?
If I do get a medal,
I'm gonna donate it to an orphanage.
Just to inspire those little shits.
We recovered your phones from the wreckage.
Yes!
Thank you.
- Good job. - Thanks.
Thank you.
Surge pricing, baby!
Mother frigger.
No tip?
That's an interesting choice.
Five stars.
Thank you.
Uh...
So, I didn't think you were gonna give me five stars...
so I already rated you three stars.
But given the circumstances, I feel that's very generous.
Hey.
Thank you.
For saving her.
Thank you.
Do you need a tissue for those tears?
No, that's...
There must be some hot sauce in your hair.
Must be.
You think about that Nick Lachey-looking fuck...
who betrayed you.
I know who he is. Kevin.
Accountant. Worthless. Put it on the bike.
On top of that hill is frose, six Midol, and alimony!
You get half of...
- Hey. Here. - Hey, Howard. Thank you.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Hey, get up here. Look at that. Look at that.
All right, buddy.
Come on. Let's go see Nicole.
Come on.
- Hey. Merry Christmas. - Hey.
Hey.
Oh, yeah, we're dating now.
Surprise.
We were debating when to tell you, but...
- Christmas felt right. - Mmm-hmm.
You all right?
This is your night in the desert.
Come on, bud.
Come on, buddy.