[Gravelly voice] Pretzel Fang.
[¶ Tense music playing]
[Woman] 'Los Angeles.
'I call it the City of Bullshitters.
'Who am I to judge?
'I live here, too.
'This place will suck the life right out of you.
'Some people pick themselves up
'after getting the shit knocked out of them.
'Others break down like an old station wagon.
'We can try to put off the inevitable...
'but everything breaks down eventually.
'Even a person's spirit.
'But Moose...
'he's unbreakable.'
[¶ Music playing with increasing intensity]
[Doorbell jingles]
- Hey, Aaron. - Chocolate Moose.
[Sighs] I can't talk too long. I gotta poo.
Oh.
[Sighs] So...
- what's new with you? - Nothing, just these thieves
trying to take pictures of my stuff.
See if they can get it cheaper on eBay. It's brutal.
You wanna know what's new with me?
You got Martin Sheen's autograph on my "Badlands" poster?
Nope. I'm going to a party tonight with Hunter Dunbar.
- Really? - Yep.
- Hunter Dunbar? - Yep.
How'd that happen?
I got invited to the cast and crew party
- of "The Friday Night Killer". - Huh!
Well, somebody's moving up in the world.
Well, that's cool, but...
I'm gonna have a lot of Dunbar autographs myself
- after this weekend. - Oh, yeah? Why's that?
He's coming into the store.
You're the Moose. You don't know this?
What?
He's signing copies of his new book tomorrow night.
- What? - Here.
[Breathing nervously]
Ah.
Why didn't you tell me this was actually happening?
It just came together. What am I supposed to do?
Call you on your moped?
Is he signing collectibles or just the book?
No, just the book. And you gotta buy it here,
and you gotta have a receipt. I'm checking.
I got some special things at home,
but I need something super special.
Well, you've had your mitts on just about everything we got.
We got those lobby cars, and the Carver one, two, and four.
Somebody fucking stole three.
The British Quad for "Ghost Train".
You are such an idiot. "Ghost Train" is so typical.
I need something... I need... I need something rememberable.
Is that a word, Moose?
Well, this idiot still has...
this vest.
- [Chuckles] - That's "Space Vampires".
- Is it still $800? - Listen,
it's never really been an item in the Moose range.
Yeah, but make it cheaper. Look, you...
How many times do I come in here to this store?
How many times do I spend my hard-earned money
in that cash register?
And how many times have we had this exact discussion?
I got $300, that's all I have.
Please let me have the vest. Please?
I don't know why it is so hard for me
to say no to you, Moose.
I want your $300,
and I want you to pay it by the end of this year.
Yes, sir!
I want you to have it.
And don't forget it tomorrow either.
- [Chuckles] - Oh, my God.
Moose, that's stupid putting it on backwards.
[Firmly] I know.
[Laughing]
[Camera shutter clicks]
[Moped roaring]
[¶ SURRENDERDOROTHY: "thebestversionofmyself"]
¶ When the sun leaks through the shades ¶
¶ I see your point of view ¶
¶ I could say everything's OK... ¶
[Mumbling]
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Dunbar.
Come on, come on.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Dunbar.
I have every one of your VHS's and DVD's.
It's, like, everybody says that. Say something sm...
I don't... I'm... [Groans]
[Softly] Say something different.
Say something... No, I should tell him...
Oh, oh, my God, he'll love this.
You were really rad in "Vampire Killers".
Oh?
You want me to call you by your first name?
Hi, Hunter. This is a one and only shirt,
but I could tell you where to... get it,
but there won't be any there.
He's gonna love me. He's gonna love me!
[Woman] 'I put some of the blame on myself.
'I just wanted to be a good friend.'
Hey, Moose. Sorry I'm late.
What took you so long, Leah?
I've been waiting here, like, 200 hours.
- I know. - Seriously, I was gonna leave.
Sorry. I'm sorry. OK?
The party's just starting to ramp up anyway.
Did you bring the cutters?
Scissors, dude?
I said bolt cutters.
I don't know what they are.
Couldn't you just go to a hardware store?
I mean, Dunbar has to be worth a trip to little Home Depot.
He sure is. You think he'll like my shirt?
This is, like, my best horror shirt.
- Do you think he'll like it? - Yeah, he'll... he'll like it.
You know what? We're gonna do this the old fashioned way.
OK, you're gonna get up here.
You're gonna put your foot into my hand.
You're gonna reach high, and then...
you'll pull yourself over, OK?
Alright.
Up.
One. Two. Three.
[Moose groans]
Whoa, Nelly.
It's ju...
[Groans]
Oh, my God. Moose, are you OK?
Am I alright?
I mean, you sound alright.
Is my shirt alright?
[Leah] I'm sure your shirt is fine.
This is not a good idea!
Just get Hunter Dunbar's autograph and split, OK?
[Panting]
Hey there. Can I get you a drink, sir?
- Hmm? - Can I get you a drink?
I'll just have a strawberry milkshake
with real ice cream, please.
Yeah, we don't... we don't have milkshakes,
but I can make you a cocktail or pour you a soda?
[Sighs] No, thanks. I just want a shake.
- May I ask you a question? - Sure.
- Is Hunter Dunbar here tonight? - Who?
Hunter Dun...
[Grumbles]
[Gags]
[Coughs]
Excuse me, Amanda? Excuse me, Amanda?
Hi.
How are you this evening?
Um, I'm wonderful, thank you. And you?
I'm just fine. Thank you for asking.
- Mm-hmm. - Your... Your movie is amazing,
and you're going to be amazing in it.
- Thank you. That's so sweet. - I love your shirt.
It's the only one in the world.
[Amanda chuckles]
Hmm.
I'm a really big fan of yours, Amanda.
I really think your work is solid and minutes into days,
and I think you're really good in "Kill or Be Killed".
You should do more horror pictures, Amanda.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
You're a great Final Girl.
You certainly know my work. [Chuckles]
Yeah.
Do you know where Hunter Dunbar is tonight?
Uh... Hunter? Well, you know,
I believe Hunter is at his son's elementary school play.
You know, all those kids must think
that Hunter is some, sorta like, real-life action hero.
- Great! - Oh!
No outside bags allowed.
I need... I need to get an autograph from Amanda.
Just let me have one autograph, Amanda.
That's enough, let's go. Come on.
No, don't... You... Don't let him do this to me, Amanda.
I'm a fan. I'm her number one fan.
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! I came here to see Hunter Dunbar.
Leah! Leah! Leah!
[Clears throat]
[Banging on door]
[¶ LEBANON HANOVER: "Gallowdance"]
- [Banging continues] - Who is it?
[Leah] Open the door!
I just wanted an autograph!
- Open the door, Moose! - [Banging on door]
I put my neck on the line for you,
so that you could continue with your freaky little hobby
collecting autographs like a child,
and this is how you repay me? By acting like a maniac?
"Maniac", that's a great movie. Not the crappy remake.
That was overrated. It's the new one I like.
- Don't change the subject. - It was, it...
It was Amanda who got me kicked out, Leah.
She was the one being a celebutard.
Well, it doesn't matter, Moose, OK?
Because I have to pay the rent, and this camera is how I do it.
If you can't respect that,
then this is the last favor I'm ever doing for you.
Hunter Dunbar wasn't even there last night.
You promised that he'd be there.
Do not... raise... your voice at me.
Not a good look, Moose.
I can do what I want. You're not my mom.
¶ Dance with me the gallowdance
¶ As disorientated...
- [Blows hard] - ¶ ...as you can ¶
That was hysterical.
[Breathing heavily]
[British accent] Poppycock!
Poppycock!
[¶ Drums playing]
[British accent] Hello. Welcome to Hol... Welcome to Hollywood.
Welcome to Hollywood...
[Exaggerating accent] ...where dreams are made of.
Place where dreams are made of.
Where dreams are made...
London Bridge is right over there.
It's over...
The Beatles are here! The Beatles are here!
- Hello, Tricy. - [Recording] 'Hello, Tracy.'
Hello, Tricy.
Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper.
[Crowd applauding]
What's up, LA?
I am the Boulevard's premiere multimedia entertainer,
and extreme performance artist here to astonish you...
and leave you breathless. Alright?
Now, my name is Todd...
but some folks, they call me Todd the God. Alright? [Laughs]
And I'm about to blow your minds, alright?
Now you all came to see an amazing show, right?
[Cheering] Yeah!
Alright, now before I prove to you
that I am the most hardcore illusionist on the Boulevard,
can I please get some brave soul to test this nail for me
to prove it's not a fake?
Shh! Shh!
Is that the "Quine"?
[Todd] You heard it hear, folks. It's real... and it's hard.
[Cackles] Alright.
- [Todd groans] - [Crowd gasps]
[Groaning]
[Grunting]
- [Screaming] - [Girl screams]
[Cheering]
[Todd] Oh, yeah! Ha-ha!
Man, I love this shit!
Whoo! Come on, come on, get your money out.
Right now. Money in these buckets.
Come on, look at this. Ah...
There we go, keep 'em coming. Keep 'em coming. Come on.
This is one-of-a-kind entertainment right here.
Right on the streets of Hollywood! Todd the God, baby!
Whoo!
- Man, is this really it? - How about that, motherfucker?
I'm doing all the fucking dangerous work.
- Fuck you, Slim! - Oh, yeah? Huh?
- Yeah, go fuck yourself. - Good luck, you fucking pussy!
- Fuck off! - Piece of shit.
Fucking bullshi... Hey, Moose!
Hey, man, why the wash? Sorry about Slim's behavior.
I gotta go, Todd. I'm meeting with Hunter Dunbar.
- Hunter Dumbbell, huh? - Hunter Dunbar!
He happens to be the best actor on the planet.
OK, well, why haven't you introduced me, Moose?
I don't even know him yet, Todd.
We can do that later. Right now, I gotta proposition for you.
Slim and I, we just ended our partnership,
and I want you to fill in for him. Alright?
- I don't want to. - Look, it's easy, OK?
I do all the hard work hypnotizing the masses,
you just need to pick a couple pockets.
I don't want to, Todd!
You don't respect the Boulevard and you don't respect the fans.
- And I don't steal from people. - People? People?
They're not people, Moose! They're fucking tourists!
- Moose, where you been? - It's not over yet, is it?
Relax, relax. We've gotta get you in line.
- Have you got the vest? - I sure do. Is he gonna sign?
- Is he gonna sign? - Moose, shh.
- Go right in. - Yo, man, chill.
- I'm sorry. - What the hell?
- I got Vis a Vis markers. - Yeah, great. Cool.
- You can use one if you want. - Awesome.
[Hunter] Who am I making this out to?
- [Woman] It's, uh, Alex. - Alex. Alex.
"To... Alex, best wishes..."
- There you go. - Thanks.
- [Slams book shut] - Thank you.
[Man] Thank you. Have a good day.
[Hunter] Thanks for coming by.
Excuse me, Mr. Dunbar. There's a woman named Brenda out back?
She says she needs to speak to you.
Says it's important. I don't know.
OK.
- Alright. - It's just out back over here.
Excuse me.
- Aaron, he's leaving. - Oh, Moo...
- Is he gonna sign? - Moose...
- Aaron, he's leaving. - Moose, it's OK.
- Is he gonna sign? - Moose, he's gonna sign.
- Oh. - [Breathing heavily]
[Footsteps approaching]
Hey, buddy.
What the hell you doing here?
Maybe you could remember that I have date tonight.
- You said you'd watch Tanner. - [Door closes]
- Tonight? - [Moose] Mr. Dunbar?
- Look, I messed up. - Mr. Dunbar.
I was the next fan in line. I think you forgot.
Just... just take it easy, buddy. Take it easy.
- I sure will. - Just give me a minute, OK?
I sure will. Thank you, Mr. Dunbar.
You thought it was OK to bring him here?
It's not OK.
OK, alright. OK. OK.
I'm... I'm sorry. I fucked up.
[Softly] Yeah.
Clearly this means a lot to you.
Clearly.
You know what I'm gonna do?
Tomorrow I'm gonna call you
and you can unload whatever it is you want to unload on me.
Get it all off your chest, OK?
[Laughs] You're so full of shit, Hunter.
But you're a great actor.
- [Engine starts] - You got thirty minutes.
[Hunter] Fuck!
I'm on your side.
You're the best, Mr. Dunbar. You're the best.
You need to learn some fucking manners, buddy.
I'm sorry, Mr. Dunbar, but...
I have every VHS, I have every DVD.
You're so rad in "Warriors",
I just don't want you not to sign my stuff.
You came to the place, but I'm officially done.
But wait till you see the special items I have.
This is "Space Vampires".
How about I sign your face with my fucking fists?
That's a collector's item you're not gonna want to take home.
Trust me.
Yes, sir.
[Moose] Can I ask you a question?
[Leah] Mm-hmm.
How do you guys find celebrity houses?
How do you find them?
Why do you ask?
Well, is it difficult?
Is it difficult to find famous people's houses?
Well, uh... Well, I mean, sometimes it can be tricky,
but we have our ways.
Do you think that... that it would be difficult
to find Hunter Dunbar's house?
[Snickers] I can't think of one good reason
why you, of all people should know where Hunter Dunbar lives.
I just... I wanna see how successful he is.
OK. Cool.
Um... well, if I want to get a really embarrassing shot
of some hung-over celebutard in his bathrobe
at some other celebutard's house,
I use my handy dandy Star Map app.
- Star Map app? - Yeah.
It is...
right there.
Holy cow, Batman.
- Pretty cool, right? - Is this for real?
Yeah. Well, sometimes, I mean, if the address is wrong
you'll still see a celebrity,
because, I mean, they all live up there.
So either way, cha-ching for me, you know?
Ah. [Gasps]
OK. I'm downloading.
Wait, Moose. You...
You have to promise me, OK?
You have to be careful.
I don't want you to be accused of stalking.
[Scoffs] That's hilarious.
- I'm not an idiot. - No. I know you're not.
Alright. You can have one.
- One? - Yup.
Thanks.
I love you, Moosey.
I love you.
Leah, pick up, pick up, pick up. Pick up!
[Cellphone vibrating]
- Hello? - 'Leah! I gotta thank you.'
Thank you, thank you, so much.
'OK, calm down. Thank me for what?'
The Star Map app. It's awesome!
It's so awesome. Ben Affleck's house.
'I saw his house. It's so big.
'Did you know he has two pools?'
And James Franco lives 15 minutes away from me.
Fifteen minutes. He's practically my neighbor.
And Jaime Lee Curtis, her bar is so big. It's so big, Leah.
OK, Moose.
Just remember what I said, OK?
Don't worry. Don't worry. Please don't worry.
OK, Moosey out. I gotta go. I gotta go.
'Dear Mr. Dunbar,
'I am writing you because I really care about you.
'I met you at the Hollywood Book and Poster Shop.
'You made it clear that I bothered you,
'and that's the last thing I wanted to do.'
[Sighs]
'I have seen all your movies.
'I love, love, love them.
'But I waited in line for over an hour to meet you,
'and you didn't even take the time
'to give me one autograph.
'I even spent all my money to buy your vest.'
Oh, yeah. I'll draw a picture of... the vest.
'Please take more time to show your fans
'how much you care about them.
'Without us, you're nothing.'
This is gonna do it.
'P.S. Will you please sign my vest
'and follow me on social media?'
[Nervous breathing]
'Love...
'Moose.'
2845.
28... Alright.
284...
[Shutter clicks]
[Breathing heavily]
Hey!
Hey.
Can I help you?
Hey, Danny. Why don't you go inside the house for a second
and fire up the Xbox, alright?
I'll be in in a minute.
Hi, Danny. Hi, Danny.
I don't know what you're doing outside my house
like some deaf, mute pervert, but I suggest you keep moving.
Unless you want trouble.
- You want trouble? - I sure don't. I sure don't.
Here's a letter for you.
- It's a letter. - You wrote a letter?
I don't accept letters here.
Listen, pal, I don't know how you found me,
but I don't ever want to see you in this neighborhood again.
OK? You understand?
I just want your autograph, Mr. Dunbar.
I collect autographs. And I bought your...
I bought your vest from "Vampire Killers".
It was $300. See?
What, are you some sorta freak autograph hound
that won't leave me the fuck alone?
You can't just come to my private residence
looking for me.
[Sighs]
[Chuckles] You want my autograph?
Give me the pen.
Thank you.
I got your autograph.
- Right there... - [Groans]
- ...is my autograph. - [Writing on shirt]
Now get the fuck out of here.
[Leah] 'They say you should never meet your heroes.
'But meeting them's not the problem.
'It's when you get too close.
'Close enough to see what's behind the mask.
'That's a line they don't want you to cross.'
[Groaning]
[Clears throat]
[British accent] 'Ello, little boy.
You want to take a photograph with me?
- [Recording] '...my mate Dave.' - Did you see my mate Dave?
'No worries.'
I'm not really from London, you know?
A lot of people think I'm from London.
But I'm not.
- [Applauding] - [Todd] Come on!
- You seem to know your stuff. - I sure do. I sure do.
But not like that Todd guy.
He's not a God. He's full of doo-doo.
He doesn't respect Hollywood. I... I respect Hollywood. Yeah.
[British accent] Alright, true love?
[Regular voice] You're really good. You're really good.
You're so good. Let me just...
Don't forget to see the Wax Museum before you go home.
[Coughing]
[Slim] Ah! 'Sup, fucking gaylord?
Hey, hey, oh, oh. Don't arrest me, Officer.
It wasn't me. No, I swear.
I swear I didn't even know she was still in high school.
[Slim] He didn't.
Ah, what you doing here, Moose, huh?
Did you make some serious money?
- No, it was pretty slow. - Oh, slow, huh?
You call that slow? See?
I... I call that ball.
A little fake blood. A little movie magic.
You like movies, don't you, Moose?
That's what's up. Come on, dude. Let's celebrate.
You do the honors, Slim. You fucking earned it today.
You know, I think he should do the honors.
Would you like to do these honors?
- I think he fuckin' would! - Yeah, suck it, huh?
[Wails] Oh, man!
Yo, when I'm high, it's like the money rains from the heavens,
right into my pocket.
Then why do you steal from people?
- Why do you steal from people? - Whoa, whoa, what'd you say?
Something about stealing?
You didn't say nothing.
And that's the way you're gonna keep it.
Give the guy a break.
He's working his ass off out there, do righty. Just...
He just does it a little bit different than we do.
- Everything OK in here? - Yeah.
We're just talking about the Dodgers, Dick.
Why can't you leave this guy alone, huh?
Now get out of here, you degenerates.
Bye-bye, Moosey.
Keepin' two eyes on you, Moose.
That's not very nice, Dick.
OK?
Why are you letting those freaks push you around like that?
They're just playing.
You're a good guy, Moose!
You shouldn't be messing around with those fools.
They're just playing.
You can't let people keep shitting on you.
One day, you're gonna need to learn
how to stand up for yourself.
You're gonna have to learn how to fight back.
OK?
I'm late.
I've gotta go.
[Leah] 'I have no idea
'why Moose would go back to that man's house.
But I suppose when you find the cookie jar...
it's hard to not go back for more.
[Sighs]
[Groans]
[Gasps]
I did it. I did it.
Why would Hunter Dunbar let this die?
- [Banging on window] - [Woman] Hey!
Get out!
- [Bangs on window] - Get out of here!
What are you doing? You trying to give me a heart attack?
Of course not.
You can't just sneak up on people like that, Moose.
I almost had a shot of Conrad Hall walking outta Earth Bar.
Earth Bar sucks - no milkshakes.
Yeah, well, your best friend Hunter Dunbar's co-star,
Ms. Title, walked out of there earlier
and blessed me with a see-through blouse, no bra.
It's funny that you mention Dunbar.
Because I was just at his house.
- You're kidding, right? - Nope.
I used the Star Map app, the one that you told me about.
Takes you directly to his house. And...
His plants, he should take better care of his plants.
I did not tell you to use the Star Map app.
- You sure did. - No, I did not.
I told you about the app
because you are the biggest movie fan I know, and I thought
you'd get a kick out of seeing where the stars live.
You cannot just invade people's privacy.
I'm not in trouble, Leah.
I just dropped a letter off at his house, that was it.
Moose, this is really bad.
I can't believe you're acting like this.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
Happy for you?
I would have never encouraged you
if I knew you'd turn into a creepy little stalker.
I am not a stalker. I am a fan, Leah!
You should know that better than anybody.
You're being so mean. Like Hunter's wife.
Moose!
She is not my BBF. She is not.
Moose! Oh, come on...
Hey, hey. My man! We on for tonight's show or what?
We are gonna be making mucho Donald Trump.
- Leave me alone, Todd. - You're not gonna make paper
in that bullshit bobby cop outfit, alright?
If you really need money, I can make you money, alright?
Give you what you need, easy. I go on in 15. Alright?
I can teach you how to hustle.
And I really... I need the cash, Moose, in a bad way.
Yeah, to buy drugs? To buy drugs? To buy drugs?
- What does it matter to you? - I'm not doing it, Todd!
Just leave me alone. Just leave me alone.
[Mockingly] Just leave me alone. Just leave me alone.
Fucking pussy!
You don't have the balls to get what you want.
Alright? I got an amazing business opportunity here
staring you right in the face, you know that?
I'm done playing nice. Alright?
You're gonna help me make some fucking cash, bitch.
I wish Freddy Krueger would come and chop off your head.
And it would roll in the street and a truck would squish it
and the blood would splatter everywhere.
And everyone would watch it!
- [Gasping] - [Breathing heavily]
[Sobs]
You're not worth it anyway.
Moose!
Will I get in trouble? Am I in trouble?
Are you kidding me? I'm proud of you.
- You're proud of me? - Yes.
- You're proud of me? - You did good.
People have to just stop calling me a stalker.
Stalker?
They have to stop calling me a loser.
Because I...
Even my friends are calling me that.
Newsflash, Moose: Todd is not your friend, man.
I know, but people have to stop picking on me.
I'm gonna make them stop.
[Housekeeper] Mr. Dunbar.
I need to talk to you about something.
This afternoon, while you were out,
some crazy man ran into your backyard.
What are you talking about?
I had to scare him away.
Yeah, well...
you sure this crazy man wasn't the gardener?
No, this was something different.
Well, whatever you did, it worked.
[Blender whirring]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come here.
- You alright? - I was so scared. [Sniffs]
Jesus, you're shaking.
You OK?
[Breathes deeply]
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't
I'm sorry, that was... That's my fault.
- I apologize. - It's OK.
It's just... I don't think we can do that anymore.
OK. OK.
Dora?
Yeah?
You, uh, you're really doing a great job around here.
Feels like a home again. Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
[Whispers] Shit!
- [¶ Music through headphones] - Julio.
- Hey, hey, hey. - Ah.
You gotta listen to me when I talk to you.
Sorry, señor. I was just listening to my music.
Dora said she saw somebody sneak into the yard today.
She's concerned, which, you know, makes me very concerned.
Did you see someone strange in the yard today?
No, no, señor. I just focus on work, is all.
- Alright. - Just work, eh?
OK. Look, do me a favor.
You see somebody strange in the yard you let me know, OK?
- Sí, sí, sí, sí. - Alright?
Señor Hunter, it's raining out, I cannot finish.
Uh, maybe I go home?
- Yeah. Yeah, go home. - Gracias.
[Hunter] Alright. Come on, we're late.
You gonna score me some goals today, or what?
- [Danny] Yeah. - Alright. Get in. Get in...
[Car doors close]
[Engine starts]
[Leaves rustle]
[Thumping in distance]
- No, don't read it! - [Dora screams]
Don't read it! Don't read it! Don't read it!
Ow!
[Screams] Help! Help! Help!
I'm just a fan. I'm just...
- Ayuda, ayuda! - Just stop hitting me!
- Ayuda! - Be quiet!
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Are you OK?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
That's a nosebleed.
That... That's bad. That's bad.
I had a nosebleed. It wasn't fun.
But you... you fix it.
You take paper towels and you put it up your nose...
[Wind chimes clanging]
No laser.
No alarm.
I'm... in...
Hunter... Dunbar's...
house!
[Shutter clicks]
"Best Monster Makeup."
"Best Stunt."
[Chortles]
Moose is in the house. [Chuckles]
Moose is in the house.
Watch out. Watch out!
Here's... Moosey.
[¶ Off-key piano playing]
[off-key] ¶ You rock my head and you rattle my head ¶
¶ You rock it, rock it, rock it like I go to bed ¶
[¶ Slams off-key chord, breathing heavily]
Poor Danny.
All that money, no ice cream.
[Toilet flushes]
This is not a good script.
He should not do it.
"Two for sleep."
"One for insomnia."
Poor Dunbar.
He shouldn't be taking drugs.
[Sniffing deeply]
- [Spits loudly] - [Brenda] 'Please come out.
- 'Mommy's tired.' - [Dunbar] 'Hockey player.'
[Brenda] 'Mommy's tired and fat.
'We're gonna have a little baby.
'Did you look at that? Not funny.
- 'I'm hot.' - [Hunter] 'You're hot?'
- 'Yes.' - [Hunter] 'No...'
- 'Don't do it.' - [Hunter] 'I'm hungry, too.'
'I am hungry. I'm hungry and I'm hot.'
- [Hunter] 'Babe, you are hot.' - 'It's beautiful, but...'
- [Hunter] 'You're hot!' - 'I am not.'
[Hunter] 'You're hot, baby.
- 'You're smiling.' - 'You're such a jackass.'
[Hunter] 'I love when you smile.'
- 'OK, no more camera.' - 'Alright, no more camera.
'No more camera.'
[Breathing deeply]
[Car approaching]
[Snoring lightly]
[Engine turns off, car door opens and closes]
[Panting]
[Door opens, closes]
[Shoes clacking up stairs]
Where are you, you little shit?
[Sighs]
Blazer.
Gonna put on a blazer.
[¶ Cellphone ring playing tune]
- [Ringing stops] - [Hunter] Hey.
No, I'm gonna pass.
Because look, look. Here's the thing.
If I'm gonna be away on location away from Danny that long,
they gotta make it worth my while. They gotta come up.
That's just it.
Anyways, I missed your mom this week.
Yeah, Brenda's on another one of her tears.
No, I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Hey! You should know I, uh...
kissed the maid again.
Cos I'm an idiot.
I don't know, man.
Some weirdo's been sneaking around the house.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later, OK?
Alright, call me.
So, what's up? Mom doesn't make you brush your teeth at home?
- Not a lot. - What do you mean, "not a lot"?
Not as much as you do.
I think I dropped your toothbrush on the ground last night.
Nah, I'm just kidding.
Look, listen to me.
Just because Mom doesn't enforce a rule
doesn't mean you can't not do something. Alright?
You gotta brush your teeth in the morning and at night,
because that's what big boys do. Big boys brush their teeth.
And you're becoming a big boy now, so you gotta do it.
Spit.
I don't know why you don't run the sink.
- How's Mom? - Good.
Yeah? She getting you to school OK?
- Yeah. - Promise?
- Yeah. - OK.
You know, if there's anything you ever need or want,
you can call me, right? - Yeah.
If you ever got any problems, or whatever.
Yeah.
Alright. I love you, buddy. [Kisses]
Sleep well, alright?
[Door closes]
[Snoring]
[Moose breathing heavily]
[Hunter snoring]
[Sniffing]
[Man on TV] 'I wonder how many times we bought the same work?
'Hey, I mean, praying's for church, huh? Come on.'
[Woman on TV] 'I haven't seen you in church lately.'
[Man chuckles] 'Well, not much sense in my going to church.
'Do you remember one time when we were small, we were out here?
'It was from right over there.
'I jumped out at you from behind the tree
'and grandpa got all excited and he shook his fist at me.
'And he said, "Boy, you'll be damned to hell."
- 'Remember that?' - Come on in.
[Man on TV] 'You used to really be scared.'
- [Woman on TV] 'Johnny.' - 'You're still afraid.'
[Woman on TV] 'Stop it now, I mean it.'
Oh... [Chuckles] Don't mind my little Moosey.
'They're coming to get you, Barbara.'
'Stop it. You're ignorant.'
'They're coming for you, Barbara.'
[Barbara] 'Stop it. You're acting like a child.'
[Johnny] 'They're coming for you.
'Look, there comes one of them now.'
- [Barbara] 'He'll hear you.' - [Johnny] 'Here he comes now.
- 'I'm getting out.' - [Barbara] 'Johnny!'
[Cellphone ringing]
[Moose lightly snoring]
[Cellphone continues ringing]
- [Door opens, closes] - [Hunter groans]
You OK with some music?
- You like a little Limp Bizkit? - Sure.
- You like a little Bizkit? - Yeah.
- [¶ LIMP BIZKIT: "The Truth"] - Nice and loud.
I used to listen to this back in the day.
Oh, my God, that is nice. That is nice.
Ah, here we go, baby.
¶ You can't sleep, you're restless
¶ And slightly obsessed... ¶
[Engine revs]
[Tires screech]
¶ You're a virus
¶ Whose intention is fucking up something ¶
[Hunter] Stay here.
What the hell are you doing back here?
- I just... I just... I... I... - [Mockingly] "I... just..."
Maybe I didn't make myself clear the first time,
you stuttering fuck.
You wanna live to see tomorrow?
- Yes, sir. - Then you stay away from me,
and you stay away from my son.
And never set foot in this neighborhood again.
- Do you understand? Huh? - Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Now, I catch you in this neighborhood again,
I will shove my Remington shotgun so far up your ass
you'll be shitting bullets and blood for the rest of your life.
You understand? I want you to say it.
- I want to hear you say it. - "I'll be shitting bullets..."
No, you idiot! Say you'll never come in this neighborhood again.
Say it. Say it!
I'll never come back here.
- Goddamn right! - [Sobbing] Never.
[Sobbing]
Go back where you came from, you stalker!
I am not a stalker!
Ow!
Am I alright?
[Coughing]
[Panting]
[Crying] Oh, he's everything, I'm nothing.
Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Dunbar, Mr. Dummybar!
You have not...
I repeat, you have not made the best choices.
"Ghost Train" was so stupid.
It was so stupid.
And who stuck by you all the time?
Me! I did!
This is a nightmare! This is a freakin' nightmare!
No! It is not OK!
It is not OK!
You're not nice.
[Sobbing] You're a big fake!
'Aren't you afraid of them seeking revenge?'
'Revenge is my middle name.'
You just pretend all day, that's all you do.
[Weeping] Anybody can do that.
Anybody can do that!
'Kiss me, Vigo.'
[Banging on door] Moose!
Moose, open up! I know you're in there.
[Chain lock rattling]
[Door unlocking]
You look like shit.
It smells like gasoline.
So...
been using your, uh, Star Map app to visit some friends?
What are you talking about?
You've been using your social media
to broadcast criminal activities.
Kissing Hunter Dunbar while he's sleeping?
You're officially out of your mind.
I could show these photos to the police
and you'd be in trouble.
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Well, you don't listen to anything.
You don't listen to me, and... you don't follow rules.
- Give me your phone. - No.
Give me your phone! Give me your phone or this is it. OK?
No more borrowing money. No more advice. No more anything.
Is that what you want? To lose your BBF?
To lose your only friend in the entire world?
You're mean!
OK, that's it, Leah. Look at this. You're blocked.
You're blocked from my social media. You go!
You go! You get out of here!
[Leah] I'm trying to protect you.
[Huffing]
[Panting]
What the fuck? What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Hey!
Help!
[Softly] Oh, you fucking idiot.
You fucking idiot.
You stupid psycho stalker.
You fucking...
Help!
[Muffled laughter]
[Wheezing laughter]
You've been Jigsawed.
Game over.
[Gasping]
[Grunting]
Help!
[Screams]
[Panting]
[Hunter] Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, listen to me. Listen to me.
Wait, wait. Wait! Wait! Wait!
[Screaming]
[Panting]
I fooled Hunter Dunbar.
I fooled Hunter Dunbar! I'm such a good actor.
- You outta your mind? - You were good, too, though.
You were really good. You were good.
You were better than Jamie Lee Curtis.
OK. [Sighs]
Did I cut you?
Holy crap.
[Gasps]
Oh, this isn't good.
Oh, this is not good.
You're out of line. Let me go.
What do you want?
Why are you so angry all the time?
I should be the one angry at you.
Why do you care so much about me?
Because I love you. And I love you. And I love you.
And I... and I've seen all your movies.
And I love your movies. And I... think you're the best.
Untie these ropes, you son of a bitch. Untie them!
Stop being so mean to me! Stop it!
What? You looking for your 15 minutes of fame? Huh?
You wanna end up on the nightly news?
They're gonna call you a monster.
What's in the bag?
Hunter, be patient, please. It's a surprise.
OK, ready?
Mr. Blonde.
- Holy shit! No. - Mr. Blonde.
No, no, no. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Ahh!
¶ Stuck in the middle, stuck in the middle ¶
Don't burn me! Stop! Stop! Stop! Hey!
There's no gas in here, it's just water.
I'm not gonna burn your house down or nothing.
Come on.
I'm sorry I was mean to you.
You're the meanest person I've ever known in my life.
Let me make it up to you.
I'll sign whatever you want.
I even have the ceremonial dagger from "The Hungry Ones".
I could get it. I can sign it right now.
What kind of moron do you think I am?
I don't think anybody's a moron.
- Yes, you do. - No, I don't.
And I know what you think of me. You think I'm a stalker!
- No. - Yes, you do.
But I go to every one of your movies.
Even the crappy ones.
You've gotta understand something.
You hold the power in this relationship.
[Sighs]
You're a fan, and I'm nothing without you.
Say that again.
- What? - What you said, say it.
You are a fan.
Without you...
I'm nothing.
Are you hungry?
I'm hungry.
You stay there. Don't you move.
[Softly] Holy fuck.
Holy fuck. Holy fuck.
Holy fuck! Holy fuck!
[Leah] 'Moose didn't just cross the line,
'he fucking nuked it.
'Honestly, I'd be scared, too.
'Poor Moosey.'
[Hunter] Hey.
Come here.
Let me sign one for you.
Moose? Is that it?
"To... Moose.
"With love,
"Hunter Dunbar."
[Moose] Barbara.
Oh, Barbara.
They're coming to get you, Barbara.
[Softly] Barbara.
They're coming to get you, Barbara.
"Night of the Living Dead".
[Irritated] Why don't you know that?
I'm starting to think
you don't know anything about horror pictures.
Sorry to disappoint.
This...
It's not... It's not bad. It just isn't a treat.
I think Danny's gonna grow up hating you.
Don't talk about my son.
You have no ice cream in the fridge at all.
Then I'll work on it.
Look... Here, look. Taste it. Taste it.
Go ahead.
See? See?
It's not sweet. It's not a treat.
But they need good tasting treats.
And then horror pictures.
- He's gonna remember this. - I'll get ice cream, OK?
I'll get it.
I'll get him some right now if you untie these ropes.
I can't do that.
Of course you can.
You're gonna get me in trouble.
No.
- Are you gonna hurt me? - No. I won't do that.
I know you're a good person.
[Sniffing]
I seem mean and...
angry...
but I'm just scared, man. I'm just...
I'm just really scared.
And I know you are, too.
You scared?
You just wanna leave, right?
[Crying]
That's alright, man. That's OK.
[Sniveling]
This doesn't feel good.
Hear me out, OK?
If you let me go,
I pledge...
I... I swear to God... I swear to God,
I will not call the police.
That's a promise between you and me.
- No police? - No police.
- And after that...
I will sign whatever you want,
whenever you want, for the rest of your life.
That's another promise.
That is a lifetime commitment.
- You'd sign for me? - For a real fan.
You'll sign for me?
You'll sign for me personally?
Because everything on eBay is a lie, it's a fake.
Hell, yeah.
- Yeah? - Hell, yeah!
You're smart. You're real smart.
I will sign everything personally to you.
- What's your name? - Moose.
- Did you say Moose? - Moose.
OK. OK, Moose.
All the autographs will be personally autographed
to you, Moose.
Is that it?
Just don't hurt my kid.
Hurt your kid? Wh...
I would never ever, ever, ever hurt your son!
Ever!
Why would you even say that?
Just let me go, man.
I'm an actor, alright?
Well, actors they try this technique
called visualization.
What is that? What is that?
It means to imagine.
You wanna try this technique with me?
Alright, here. Come here.
Kneel down, get comfortable.
Drop your shoulders. Relax.
Go ahead, drop 'em. Just feel comfortable. Just relax.
I need you to take a deep breath in.
[Inhales deeply]
- [Exhales loudly] - [Exhales loudly]
Yeah.
Now I want you to imagine you and me.
- You and me? - Yeah. You see us?
- I do. - Alright.
First thing we're gonna do, is
we're gonna change these dirty clothes.
We're gonna take off this sweat, this blood and this gasoline,
and we're gonna put on some fresh new duds.
We're gonna look spiffy, Moose. We're gonna look good.
And then we're gonna go out on the town.
We're gonna go to one of those Hollywood fancy joints.
Musso & Frank's? We're going to Musso & Frank's?
Wherever you want, man.
We'll go wherever you want. I'll call my manager,
he'll get us a table wherever you wanna go.
And when it's all done,
we'll get a big bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Strawberry. Strawberry ice cream.
Yeah! Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Strawberry ice cream, Moose, of course. Of course.
And then... and then we'll go back to my place
and throw on a couple of my action films,
and watch them on the HD TV.
- [Moose chuckles] - Does that sound good, man?
- I love you. I love you. - Ah, you, me,
couple of action flicks,
and some strawberry ice cream, right?
- Just... just you and I, man. - [Moose] Just you and me.
Wait, we just gotta take these ropes off first, you know?
- OK. OK. - Yeah? Alright.
OK.
Man, wait till you see this collection.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
[Groans]
These are some serious knots. Where'd you learn these?
- YouTube. - YouTube?
YouTube. Teaches you everything.
Teaches you all kind of knots. C knots, barrel knots.
Put it here, pal.
[Sighs]
[Groans]
[Screams]
[Moaning]
[Groaning]
[Screams]
[Sobbing]
You can't leave, Moose.
I'm nothing without you.
[Groans]
[Sobs]
I just like your movies.
- [Gunshot] - [Screams]
- [High-pitched squeal] - [Wailing]
- [Gunshot] - [Screaming]
[Growling]
[Moose howling]
- [Groaning] - [Gun clicks]
[Panting]
- [Exhales] - [Gun drops]
[Screaming]
[Howling]
[Crying]
[Wailing]
[Shuddering]
[Wailing continues]
[Breathing heavily]
[Moose sobbing]
[Moose gasping]
[Wailing]
[Sniveling]
[Unlocks door]
[Panting]
- [Man speaking Spanish] - [Men laughing]
Oh, man!
[Speaking Spanish]
[Laughing]
Holy shit!
[Brakes screech]
Oh, my God!
What happened?
OK, you know what? It's OK, we're...
I'm gonna get you some help. I'm right here, buddy, OK?
[Leah] 'And Hunter? He's an actor.'
Oh, God, please, God.
[Leah] 'And he's a survivor.
'It's Dora that I'm worried about.'
[Knock on door]
[Police radio chatter]
[Sirens wailing]
My head!
[Leah] 'I know, I know,
'Moose lost his hand and his eye.
'But eventually, he looked at it like a badge of honor.'
I can't see without my glasses. What does it say?
It says, "Louise... Louise Fletcher."
Louise Fletcher, she's not a good nurse.
- No. - She's not.
No, she's not.
[Moose] I am not a stalker!