Jj
When I was a kid, in the summer,
I would go up into northern Canada with my father and two brothers fishing.
The one male bonding thing we did.
And the only extravagance my rather workaholic,
miserly good, country-boy father could muster.
We flew by bush plane, small planes with pontoons, info a wilderness lake
where we would be met by an old trapper who lived there year-round.
He hadn't been back to civilization for 20 years,
and communicated with the fish camp organizers on a shortwave radio.
Once we got to his camp,
a group of small cabins nestled around his little house,
with the sides stacked head high with a mountain of dried bones.
Behind, there were teepees with a small group of cree Indians
who would take us out on the water and be our guides.
They had names like Tom pitt, rod rat, Billy deer.
All toothless, passive, and alcoholic.
However, they were not allowed liquor while they worked.
Although their eyes always were an angry, bloodshot red,
so maybe they were sneaking drinks.
They were truly romantic figures gone to seed.
Anyway, the point.
At this camp, there was a group of huskies
that that trapper kept for his dogsled for work in the winter.
It wasn't until we stopped going
that this guy got rid of them for a showmobile.
These dogs were sweet, but wild enough to be scary.
The biggest manhood challenge for me at six years old
was running from our cabin to the outhouse,
because the dogs would chase you and nip at your heels.
While you were in the outhouse,
they would scratch at the door and growl.
Horrific.
And then, when you were through,
you'd race back to the safety of your cabin
hoping the nips wouldn't turn into bites.
Okay.
Rum it is.
Good.
They're hungry.
Sugar?
Okay.
Hey, can I get another one of these when you get a chance?
- How often you play? - Never.
- Why? - I don't need to.
- But you might win. - I don't wanna win.
Why?
I don't wanna lose.
- Oh. - Okay.
- Come on. Yep. - Here we go.
Ready...
- There you go. There you go. - Mm.
- Come on. - Come on.
- Come on... - Come on, baby.
Come on.
Jj
Shh.
Okay. It's okay.
Good?
Mitchell?
Jj
I don't understand...
How you can have anything to do with someone like her.
Just because you don't understand doesn't mean it cannot be.
But why?
That's the wrong question.
The right question is,
"is this the way of the world?" And the answer is yes.
What do you know? You don't live in the world.
You stuck yourself at the end of the universe in here.
You can't see your selfishness, arrogance, and above all, your ignorance.
You pretend to be open to all things
but can't see how closed-minded you are.
Do you actually believe you'll find your soul here?
My soul is within me.
Wrong again, brother.
Your soul is outside of you, and you must claim it.
I have.
I began a journey that finished here.
There is no beginning.
There is ho end. That's babble.
That's not the language of the soul.
Time will pass, and you'll continue to be lost.
You sound like my father.
You complain that your father didn't know you.
He carried you on his back through life,
and all you can do is criticize some oversights he committed,
while you are guilty of the biggest crimes.
Really? What crimes were those?
You tell me.
No, instead you'd like to hear it from my mouth, so you can deny it.
That's the same cowardly game you played with your father.
I love my father.
You were not a loving son.
You were a burden to him.
And now to me.
Jj
When I had been pondering
many different things to myself for a long time,
and had for many days been seeking my own self and what my own good was,
and what evil was to be avoided,
there suddenly spoke to me... What was jt?
I myself or someone else?
Inside or outside me?
This is the very thing I would love to know, but don't.
No.
Hup.
Okay! Okay!
Jj
Good dog.
Jj
Whoa!
I just wanted to see the dells.
I'm waiting for the doctor.
Where is the doctor?
Teach me... how to die.
Where is the doctor?
The doctor where is...
Where is the doctor?
The doctor...
Where is the doctor? Where is the doctor?
- Teach me... how to die. - Where is the doctor?
Where is the doctor?
The doctor...
I'm glad you're here.
Dad?
I just gotta get some gear.
What gear?
I promised you I'd take you fishing.
Just gotta go get the boat out of the garage,
and hitch it up to the buick,
and head out at the crack of dawn to old partridge lake.
That'd be a heck of a lot more fun than sitting around watching TV.
But, dad, don't you remember what the doctor said?
What did he say?
He said you're dead.
Don't listen to him.
Tell me again, what grade you in?
Ah, never mind. We're going fishing.
We'll get to fremont before the sun comes up.
I'll lower the alumacraft in the water, fill it up with gear,
poles... tackle boxes,
life preservers,
an ice chest full of cheese and bologna sandwiches, potato chips...
Cookies.
A large thermos of ice cold Hawaiian punch.
And ['ll take the Johnson 20-horse outboard,
put it in the water,
and pull on the starter cord.
I'll let you drive
till we get to where I think the fish are,
where there's tree stumps and tall reeds
and half submerged rocks.
That's their cover, that's where they are.
I'll hit the kill switch on the motor.
And we'll drift it so we don't spook the fish.
It's so quiet.
I'll put on my lucky mouse lure.
A lazy lke for you.
And for your brother, a dardevle spoon with a pork rind skirt.
In the stillness you can hear the distant calls...
Of the loons.
Sounds like a woman being strangled.
I see a spot.
I cast my plug right there, right between the Lily pads.
I let it sit...
Then I play the lure. Make it dance.
Make it look like something he wants, something he's hungry for,
then, bang!
And then you set the hook, reel him in.
Dad...
Scalpel.
Respect the presence of sleep.
That is the first thing.
And keep away from those who sleep badly...
Or stay awake all night.
Modest is even the thief in the presence of sleep.
He walks slowly through the night.
Immodest is the night watcher
with carrying his light and horn.
No small art is it to sleep.
That's why we must keep awake all day.
Ten truths have to be found during the day,
otherwise your soul will be hungry
and search the truth at night.
Ten times we must laugh during the day
and be cheerful.
Otherwise your stomach, the father of affliction,
will disturb you at night.
Jj
Friend.
How are you?
I'm fine.
Who are you? What are you doing here?
I'm interested in the black arts.
They say you're a great magician.
- Really? - What can you tell me?
That there is nothing to tell.
I'm not here to steal from you. I'm here to learn.
I came from a long way.
Why did you come to see me?
Because you have heard that I have once helped people that were sick or abandoned,
- is that it? - How did you do it?
With compassion.
Just like that? I thought it would be more difficult.
Tell me, professor, what do you make of the black arts?
It's an act of vanity beneath nature, beneath science.
You've arrived at this through reason.
That is your problem.
Don't criticize me.
You make me laugh.
What is funny about you is that your reason does not stop you.
The secrets you want to know are the negative of all knowledge.
Your reason is an obstacle.
It's impossible to live without reason.
What do you want with me now?
Haven't you caused everyone enough pain?
As much as you cost me.
I'm so angry.
I'm so... angry.
- You know I thought about getting a gun. - To kill me?
But no one would give me one.
You didn't try hard enough.
No one would help me find one.
No, you didn't try hard enough to understand what I did.
I guess they were afraid I'd use it on myself.
You wouldn't do that.
Why did you humiliate me?
You didn't take care.
You stopped paying attention, you made room for bad things to happen.
My therapist says you're selfish.
You need a new therapist.
- You destroyed my life. - We destroyed our life.
We became coarse with each other.
Guilt isn't something to be shared.
The only thing I'm guilty of is loving you too much.
Tell that to your son.
Is he here?
You know, the only thing I'm guilty of is loving you too much.
You know that, right?
Hey.
Jj
Clint, you look so tired.
I walked all the way home.
Yeah, all the way from the school.
Yes, I waited for you.
I would have picked you up.
- No. - Oh, yes.
- No, that's what you always say. - I would have come.
I wait, and I wait, and I wait, and you never come.
I come. I would have come.
Mm.
Clint...
Mom, I'm sorry.
For what?
That I wasn't there at the end.
It's all right, you were busy.
You're all...
Equal in-in attention to the family
and that's really wonderful,
'cause you might get one that's lazy
and doesn't want to get up and go and...
Well... we could...
This is... listen, you're gonna age.
And then I thought, "oh, that's... No, we shouldn't do that."
And right about that time...
I think that was...
Hey, get off the horse.
Who are you?
Who am I?
It doesn't matter.
You don't need to know who I am to talk to me.
You seem to be a disciple of the black arts,
3 student of heretics and non-believers.
Don't tell me who I am when you're struggling to know who you are.
What are you hiding?
You are Sincere, well-meaning.
Do you think that makes you a Saint?
I believe in right and wrong, but I am no Saint.
Okay, don't be so hard on yourself or me.
You are not a Saint, so be human.
Enjoy, fuck up...
Shake your ass, dance.
Jj
Whoa!
Jj