♪ serene music playing ♪
♪
[beeping]
‐ I'm not a chicken. You're a turkey.
NARRATOR: This is your brain on drugs.
‐ You gotta say no.
MORGAN FREEMAN VOICE: America, the not‐so‐distant future.
[siren wailing, people clamoring]
The economy is failing.
A despondent society has turned to self‐medication.
Road fatalities, crime,
public disturbance, voice theft
all at record highs.
‐ Just say no.
FREEMAN VOICE: Something needed to be done.
Congress bravely votes to establish a modern day Prohibition.
Zero tolerance policy was adopted.
Overnight, the use, sale, and manufacturing of all alcohol
and narcotics of any kind became illegal.
[prison door clangs]
[birds chirping]
Soon to emerge was a better, sober America.
Inebriation, once viewed as socially appropriate,
was now taboo,
with just one exception.
Once a year, the embargo is lifted.
Narcotics once confiscated by police are distributed to the highest bidder.
For 12 hours every year,
US citizens 18 and up are legally allowed
to participate in bill A2904,
known colloquially as simply
"The Binge."
♪ The Real McKenzies' Chip playing ♪
God bless America.
‐ ♪ Chip worked as a boatwright as his father and his gran ♪
♪ A‐working in a boat yard building on the River Thames ♪
FREEMAN VOICE: Studies show that providing this outlet
to the populace just once a year would combat their urge
to indulge thereafter.
[grunts]
In fact only 23 percent of citizens attempt a second binge.
For a third, this number plummets to just six percent.
Psychologists predict this mechanism may annihilate
all clinical addiction by 2055.
Whether or not you choose to participate
or are merely an innocent bystander,
no one is left unaffected by The Binge.
[keyboard clacking]
[school bell rings]
‐ Good morning, American High.
[cheering and applause]
Flaming Eagles, I can't hear you!
[students cheering loudly]
As I said Flaming Eagles, I can't hear you!
[cheering and applause continue]
[cheering and applause stops]
For you seniors that are 18, in T minus nine hours,
you will be able to participate in your very first Binge!
‐ We're gonna get so fucked tonight!
‐ Hags, you really gotta calm down, man, you're gonna pull something.
‐ Guys, I only got two hobbies. Only two things I really spend my time on.
That's my woodworking, my elves, and that's making hummus.
And the other thing I do is protect the reputation of American High.
‐ My mom told me she used to drink wine from a box
on the way home from work in college.
‐ Ugh! We were born, like, way too late.
‐ I can't control what you do out there,
but I can make a suggestion
as a concerned citizen and a mentor
and give you some pretty good reasons why we don't want you to Binge.
‐ We've been prepping for this night our entire lives.
‐ I would fucking murder anyone who gets in our way.
‐ Now unfortunately for those of you that do decide to Binge tonight,
all the regular laws, well, those are still in place,
and breaking those laws have consequences.
‐ Yeah, consequences like you playing penis Jenga with his daughter!
‐ Will you be quiet? Lena almost heard you say penis Jenga.
‐ Oh, I'm sorry, Lena almost heard me say penis Jenga!
‐ Hi, Lena.
‐ See, bro, you gotta get her attention! ‐ I know.
‐ I'm working on it. You just‐‐ You gotta let me do it my way, you know.
‐ By writing a confusing sonnet?
‐ It's not a sonnet, it's a series of haikus,
and I'm asking her to prom today.
‐ Yeah, okay, you've been saying that every day for the past five months.
Well, tonight we Binge.
I'm gonna get you drunk enough to finally make your move.
‐ Yeah, except there's no way Lena's Binge‐ing,
and if Carlsen found out I binged, that'll be it.
He would never let me near Lena again.
‐ You know, Amy Bagman thought it was rite of passage.
She binged.
And then a couple of uppers and downers and siders into it
she found herself on a private jet with 12 "Saudi princes."
Never to be heard from again.
‐ Oh shit! CARLSEN: Now, is she alive today?
Is she dead? Is she even worse off than that?
Even her family can't answer that question.
Sad.
‐ That's really what you want?
‐ To be on a private jet? Abso‐fucking‐lutely!
One day, you'll have no one.
All you'll have left is the memories.
So you gotta make your life matter.
CARLSEN: Let me assure you, I will spend‐‐
‐ Nothing matters.
CARLSEN: Then there was Allen Reed who was excited
about getting accepted into Stanford
until he was caught doing the Brazilian tuck
outside a TJ MAXX. [students laughing]
Yeah, laugh it up. It's fun, right?
Maybe your name's Kimberly Jones? [students whistling]
‐ Oh! There's my setup.
‐ Please don't say "I'll have what she's having." Don't say that.
‐ I have to say it, because it's hilarious.
‐ It's not hilarious‐‐
‐ It is hilarious, brother. We went over this, okay.
Make everyone in the assembly laugh,
then we win the Gauntlet tonight at the Library Party.
‐ You fellas need wristbands for the Library Party tonight?
‐ We got some.
CARLSEN: But the jet‐ski was still attached to the dock, and it never took off.
[students laughing]
And then eventually it exploded into flames.
[students gasp]
Now, Kimberly Jones is here tonight.
Can you guys guess which one she is?
I'll give you a hint. You're cold, cold.
Getting warmer, getting warmer, red hot.
Burning hot. That's Kimberly Jones.
Wrapped up like a mummy because she's ashamed of the way she looks.
She works here at the high school.
She makes the butterscotch pudding, and she does a wonderful job.
We're proud of you, Kim.
And she's never really allowed up before lunch
because again, she's disgusting and revolting to look at,
and it'll make your stomach churn and make you unable to eat.
And on that note, please stop emailing me, Kim,
about the Fantas in the mini‐fridge.
I'm gonna explode. I've said it to you six times.
I wanna treat you like a lady today, in front of everybody.
'Cause you are one.
I'd like to see everyone here go on and have a bright future
and not end up... like some of the people that we've seen
in front of us here today.
[clears throat] ‐ I'll have what she's having!
[chuckles]
GIRL: What? [students murmuring]
‐ You'll have what who's having?
‐ Fucking dork.
‐ You'll have what this burn victim's having?
Are you drawing attention to the burn victim?
Kimberly Jones, who was tweaking
and got burned from her face to her feet?
And how do you think it makes a burn victim feel
when you single 'em out in front of everybody?
Kim, how's it make you feel?
Does it make you this? Does it make you happy?
Right? Or does it make you this?
I feel sad too.
I feel sad for Kim.
Sit down. You got 30 minute detention on Tuesday.
You're gonna learn some empathy. I'm gonna have you read
about circus freaks, deformed people,
and people with the kind of burns that she has, how repulsive it is,
and how hard it is to live with it. HAGS: [whispering] Oh my god.
‐ You'll get 'em next time, buddy. ‐ Oh my god.
‐ Any questions?
Can I get a cawww!
ALL STUDENTS: [unenthusiastic] Caw!
‐ Can I get a cawww!
STUDENTS: [louder] Cawww!
‐ Let's go learn.
‐ My uncle said his friend would do, like, a handstand
on a barrel of beer until he choked.
‐ Yeah. It's called a keg stand.
GIRL: What's a keg? [boy sighs]
‐ Man, did I misread the room.
‐ Oh, I thought it was funny.
‐ Thank you, Andrew, but I don't need your sympathies.
I was just rejected by my peers, and I'm in a bit of a fragile state.
‐ [whispering] I heard if you do Molly and drink a Mountain Dew,
you start to see the future, but it doesn't even pertain to you at all.
BOY: Really? ‐ Yeah.
‐ My older cousin saw some random dude in Wisconsin's future.
‐ Other Man's Future Syndrome. Sick.
‐ I don't know, man. I worked really hard to get into Brown.
‐ Man, fuck college! What is this, the '90s? We have the internet.
‐ Even if I wanted to go, our parents will never let us
skip out on their tradition.
‐ Look, Griffin. I love our parents, right. I do.
But I'm not spending another Binge
at "Soda‐Pop Game Night" doing the Root Beer Goat.
I won't do it.
‐ What are you wearing? You look like my bubbe's couch.
‐ Okay, see, you know nothing about style, right.
You don't. Which is why I took the liberty
of getting you your very first Gauntlet outfit.
Here we go.
Overalls, baby. Happy Binge, pal!
GRIFFIN: FBF? HAGS: Mm‐hmm.
First Binge forever!
‐ Hags, I'm not Binge‐ing, man. I'm definitely not wearing overalls.
Please take them back. Please. ‐ Okay, see, you are Binge‐ing,
and overalls are chick magnets, man.
They say if you keep it tight up top,
below the waist, it's anyone's guess.
‐ Who says that? Who says that about overalls?
‐ I do. And Lena's gonna love 'em!
‐ I heard if you eat mushrooms and sacrifice an animal,
your entire world turns into a musical.
‐ There's no way that's true, Kathleen.
‐ Is that how you wanna end up?
PROTESTERS: Hey hey, ho ho‐‐
GRIFFIN: Hell yeah, man, we can beat that.
When we win the Gauntlet tonight, I want our names to be etched in stone.
‐ Will you put that away?
Principal Carlsen's gonna see it, and there goes any shot I had with Lena.
‐ Who gives a fuck, Griffin?
You think he'd want some scared kiss‐ass
who volunteers to clean up shits in the chem lab date his daughter?
No! He wants a man!
Come on now. Gotta you show you the closer.
‐ The closer?
‐ So you know my senior shop project I told you I was working on?
‐ Yeah, man, the one you had the GoFundMe for
when you were building the reusable hydration systems
for third world countries.
I was really proud of you for doing that.
‐ Yeah, man, fuck hydration. I lied. I put that money to much better use.
‐ I donated $75.
‐ Griffin, I give to you the most important invention since the toilet,
[tarp rustling] The BoozeCycle!
‐ Whoa, man. You built this? ‐ Yeah, man.
‐ This is awesome.
‐ Isn't it great?
‐ Imagine if you put your mind to something useful.
‐ Useful? This is the most useful thing I've ever done.
Is it a car? Kind of.
Is it a bicycle? Almost.
Griffin, this thing fucks!
‐ I mean, it does. It's really cool.
It's just, how would we even pedal it with two people? There's ten seats.
‐ Hey, why you gotta be so negative, bro?
‐ And El Pantera, that's just a myth. Like Santa Claus.
GRIFFIN: You know what , man. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a Debbie downer.
I'm just‐‐ I'm nervous, you know. Aren't you scared? Like, at all?
‐ Scared of what? Becoming a legend?
‐ No, of just‐‐ I don't know. Everything.
Lena, Carlsen, alcohol poisoning,
our lives turning into a musical.
That sounds terrible.
‐ Griffin, we'll be fine. I'll be with you every step of the way.
‐ That's what I'm scared about.
‐ Ha ha. Oh, okay, you make jokes,
but you don't realize that I'm a human, with emotion,
and it hurts my feelings.
‐ I love you, okay. I really do.
And I appreciate you getting me a wristband
and stealing from all those people who desperately need clean water
to build a BoozeCycle‐‐
‐ Which is awesome. ‐ It is,
but I'm just gonna stick to tradition,
do Root Beer Goat‐Night with our parents, and wake up tomorrow
to continue my extended reign as mayor of Virgin City.
‐ Good to know, Mr. Mayor!
‐ Lena! Hey.
‐ Lena, please don't call him Mr. Mayor.
Mr. Mayor is his father.
I like to refer to my brother here as Babe: Pig In The City.
‐ Hmm. ‐ Because he's got the thickest hog in the game.
‐ That's not‐‐
‐ I've never once heard anyone refer to him as Babe,
and I've known him since preschool.
‐ That's 'cause they whisper it to him. ‐ They don't do that.
They don't whisper anything.
‐ So, you whisper "Babe" into Griffin's ear
because he has the thickest hog in the game?
‐ Okay, Lena. This is weird now. Right? So I'm gonna go.
Lena. Babe.
‐ I have a normal‐sized hog,
probably no different than the next one.
Not that I've seen,
uh, but naturally you do find yourself in positions where you see other hogs
and in those situations, I found that...
my hog is...
comparable, if not the same
in thickness to those‐‐
‐ That's good to know.
Um... so are you gonna Binge?
‐ After your dad's speech?
You'd have to be a certified dip‐shit to go out tonight.
‐ Well, I guess I'm the mayor of Dip‐Shit City
'cause I'm seriously thinking about it.
‐ Me too, by the way.
I was completely joking before about the dip‐shit thing. That's‐‐
But, um...
‐ Griff, is everything okay?
‐ It is. Uh‐‐
You know how our moms used to go to Zumba class together?
‐ Yeah! Yeah, we used to play fake house in the kid's room.
To this day, no one makes fake French toast as good as you.
‐ And no one did our fake taxes for our fake mortgage better than you, so‐‐
‐ And now we're fake home owners!
‐ That fake debt collector won't stop hounding me!
[laughing]
Um, anyways, I was just thinking how
we've always been in each other's lives.
‐ Yeah. ‐ And, um,
Lena, I was wondering if‐‐
[Lena shrieks]
‐ Oh my god!
What is this?
"This promposal you can't ignore,
"because there's still so much more.
"Let's laugh and be merry, because the next clue you'll find
"at the Carnegie Library!
Here's hoping you will attend, and while you're at it, bring a friend!"
Holy shit!
Griffin, did you do this?
‐ Um‐‐
‐ Are you kidding me? Oh my god!
When did this happen and why didn't you tell me?
‐ No, no, no, it is happening right now. You are witnessing it.
‐ This is awesome. ‐ Who do you think did it?
‐ I don't know! Um, Max Keiser?
‐ Maybe it was Ian Greenstein?
‐ Ian Greenstein? Yeah, he‐‐
He liked your tweet 18 months ago like a total creep.
I bet it's Ian Greenstein. ‐ So many guys!
‐ I know! ‐ Exciting.
‐ Holy shit! This is huge. They sold out for this, like, six months ago.
‐ Griffin, would you be the ultimate friend and take a pic?
‐ Totally. ‐ Thank you!
‐ Yeah, I can do that. ‐ Thank you!
‐ Say "Ian Greenstein.'
BOTH: Ian Greenstein!
‐ You guys are gonna really like that.
‐ Thank you so much. ‐ Of course.
So that's‐‐ So‐‐ LENA: Okay, bye, Griffin.
BECKY: Who do you think did this?
[girls giggling]
SARAH: The package is basically fully stocked
with, like, colorful frozen drinks and tiny umbrellas.
‐ I fucking love tiny umbrellas.
Do you think pink drinks, too, because
[blowing trombone] my grandmother's seen this show, it's called Sex and the City,
and they would just drink pink alcohol and have meaningless sex
with strangers of foreign descent.
‐ I would do disgusting things to a foreign guy tonight.
‐ Hmm. ‐ I'm talking full spit roast.
[clattering]
[students shouting]
HAGS: Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
‐ Hags, what the hell is wrong with you?
‐ I'm so sorry, I just dropped my passport somewhere around here earlier today.
I'm just trying to get right back to the motherland right after I graduate.
BOTH: What?
‐ Oh, my homeland.
You know I'm a hundred percent foreign, right?
Like, from another place.
Ha ha. Anyhoo, will I be seeing you ladies at the Library Party tonight?
‐ You're going to the Library Party?
‐ Hell yeah I'm going to the Library Party.
And I'm hoping that you'll check me out.
‐ For what purpose? ‐ Excuse me.
‐ Uh, isn't that a saying?
‐ No, it's not. Words have consequences, Hags.
‐ Okay, that's what it is. It's the language barrier thing.
That's what... that's what it was.
Because I'm from another place. I'm fully foreign.
‐ Have you ever even been on a plane?
‐ Hell yeah I've been on a plane.
Ha ha. Of course.
I'm actually a current cardholder of the mile high club.
‐ Oh yeah? ‐ And the big dick club.
‐ [gasps] Really? HAGS: Mm‐hmm.
‐ Well, why don't you whip it out and show us?
‐ Mmm. You see, I would,
but they keep the band room real cold.
It's not really a accurate depiction of my genitalia.
BOTH: Hmm.
‐ That's what I thought.
Virgin.
This is dry. ‐ Okay.
CARLSEN: Chad, how are we?
Kurt, how come I never see you with your shorts off?
Seem a little locker room shy. ‐ KURT: S‐‐ Sir‐‐
‐ Wanna see how a man walks around the locker room?
KURT: Um‐‐ ‐ Wanna take a look at it?
I'll pull my pants down, I'll go take a shit, I'll get in the shower.
You wanna watch it?
Whatever it is, get comfortable with it. It ain't going away.
Let's get behind those ears, okay, Bennett?
BENNETT: Yes, sir. ‐ That's where the germs live and they reproduce.
BENNETT: Got it. ‐ Don't be a pussy.
Chin up. Griffin, my man, how are you?
‐ How's it going, Principal Carlsen?
‐ Well, I'm always a little bit on edge when it comes to Binge night,
people get pushed to their moral limits. ‐ Me too.
I, I can't believe people Binge.
‐ One shake and you're done, Tommy!
No one wants to watch your dickplay in here.
At your age, you're a hair‐trigger. You're liable to blow all over the place.
Have a story about you for the rest of your life. You want that?
Put the dick down.
TOMMY: Okay.
‐ You know, Griffin, uh, Lena says some really nice things about you.
‐ She does?
‐ Yeah. She says that you're nice, that you work hard,
that you have pretty terrific table manners.
You know, I'll tell you, Griff,
I'm pretty okay with... my daughter being friends
with a nice Brown man.
Let me walk that back just a little bit.
That's not the kind of quote that you want taken out of context.
Congratulations on getting into a great university, Brown.
‐ Thank you, sir. And thank you again for making that call to Dean Eckhouse.
It really made all the difference.
‐ Well, Griff, you know, when you have a history of
recommending outstanding guys, like yourself,
they tend to listen to you.
And by the same token, if you ask them to rescind someone they're thinking about,
they go ahead and they listen loud and clear on that as well.
Since we're talking about scratching each other's backs,
I have just the smallest little itch
I was wondering if you could get your fingernails on.
It's called where the fuck is the party tonight?
Sarah Martin's "Dank‐Ass Pre‐Game" is already on my radar.
I understand they're thinking of smoking a little bit of pot.
Maybe some Lean? A little Purple Drank.
You know what I'm talking about? ‐ Oh, I do, but I wouldn't.
I personally wouldn't sniff glue or drink Purple Drank
or just associate with Sarah Martin at all.
‐ Well, that's good.
That bitch has chaotic energy.
She's like a scorpion in a toaster.
Anyway, the point is if you hear of anything‐‐
‐ Of course.
‐ Fair? ‐ Totally fair.
‐ Fair? ‐ Fair. Very fair.
[wristband clicks]
‐ The hell is‐‐
‐ Principal Carlsen, I‐‐ Um‐‐
[clears throat] It's a funny story, I‐‐ Uh‐‐
[clears throat] I‐‐ ‐ Oh.
Oh. Actually, Principal Carlsen, that's not Griffin's.
No, see, I found that in the hallway,
and I gave it to Griffin to hold onto it for me.
Yeah, I just had no idea what it was.
Could it be tickets to a renaissance fair or...
a petting zoo.
GRIFFIN: Yeah.
‐ You gentlemen be safe tonight.
‐ Yes, sir.
‐ And Hags, do me a favor.
Try to find a nickname that's a little bit more normal.
Something like Lucas or Quan.
I'll see you Tuesday? Thirty minutes?
Thank you, Quan. Griff.
David, thank your brother for the meatloaf.
DAVID: Yes, sir.
‐ Whoa, thank Christ.
CARLSEN: Oh, Griffin? ‐ Yup.
‐ You know, there's a prank turd in the chemistry lab.
I was wondering if you could be an angel, sweep in and scoop that up.
‐ I would love to do that.
‐ Thank you, Quan.
[door opens, closes]
‐ Fuck! Quan?
Who the fuck is Quan?
[school bell rings]
FREEMAN VOICE: And so it begins. [students chattering excitedly]
As school lets out, sirens pierce the air, [siren wailing]
informing the civilian population of what's to come.
For some, a warning.
To those not participating, to get home,
bunker down, and pray for safety.
For others, it's the sound of celebration,
excess, freedom.
Underground competitions known as Gauntlets
capture the nation's attention.
Creating local legends in those who win
and lasting memories for all who compete.
ALL: Ten, nine
eight, seven, six,
five, four,
three, two, one!
‐ Yahtzee! [laughter]
Whoo!
Yeah.
‐ Oh. To our sixth Binge Night Game Night!
‐ Yep. ‐ What a great tradition!
‐ This is fun.
‐ It's just great being able to hang with family on the night
when nobody else is doing anything awesome.
‐ Oh, and we are just grateful that you boys would rather‐‐
‐ Uh... men! CHESTER: Excuse me.
That you men
would still rather pal around with us middle ‐ aged fogies
than go out drinking with all the other high school boys and girls.
‐ Yeah, well, makes me hopeful for the future.
‐ Yep. ‐ Well, who's ready for round two?
‐ Yeah.
‐ We don't have to do the thing again, Dad.
We don't‐‐ CHESTER: Oh no, let's do it.
Root beer goat! ‐ Ha ha!
[all bleating]
‐ Ah, somebody didn't goat.
[gasps]
‐ Well, everybody goated so I‐‐
‐ Come on, son, you do the best goat.
‐ I do a very normal goat. ‐ No, you‐‐
‐ Come on, give us a goat!
Give us a goat! ‐ You're so good.
[high‐pitched bleating]
[laughter] STACY: You got it.
‐ This is what I'm talking about.
‐ That's a damn good goat!
So, Griffin, I heard you're going to prom with the Principal's daughter?
GRIFFIN: Oh. PAUL: Prom.
‐ Yeah, I, I was, but somebody else already asked.
[sympathetic groans]
‐ That's too bad. KARYN: I'm so sorry.
‐ Oh, it's okay, Ma.
Most, most people probably don't even remember
who they went to prom with.
‐ Exactly.
‐ Unh‐unh, you're looking at him.
He was so nervous when he asked me.
He had written a little poem out and everything.
He didn't even end up reading it.
‐ Well, for what it's worth, I always thought
you and Lena made an adorable couple.
Do you want me to call her father? ‐ That's okay, Dad.
‐ No, no, no, I'm not afraid to call him. ‐ I am.
You don't have to do that. ‐ No, you shouldn't be.
‐ I don't think you should do that.
CHESTER: Okay. Okay. GRIFFIN: I appreciate that.
‐ Hey, everybody. What's happening here?
Too early to fall asleep.
I bought Big Bang Theory Clue.
‐ Big Bang. CHESTER: Mm‐hmm.
Let me get this straight,
Sheldon... kills‐‐
‐ Penny. CHESTER: Penny.
In the library?
‐ No. ‐ The lab.
With a... Galaxy 6, 6S
‐ Galaxy‐‐
‐ Eh, 6, Salaxy 6‐‐
[snoring]
‐ Bazinga.
‐ Mom. Mom?
Dad?
Dad? Dad? Paul?
[Paul snoring] GRIFFIN: Stacy?
HAGS: Come on, Griffin, let's get the hell out of here!
‐ What the‐‐ Wait, what the hell is this?
Hags, did you do something?
‐ No! I just gave them a couple sleeping pills.
‐ You roofied our parents?
‐ I did not roofie our parents. The pills were in their medicine cabinet.
‐ This is crazy! ‐ Griffin!
Your parents are spooning. My dad is snoring.
Mom's asleep. Let's go! ‐ No!
Tha‐‐ I'm not going. I'm not leaving.
You have a wristband, that's it, okay.
You go without me.
‐ Go without you?
‐ Lena's gonna meet her promposal mate there anyway.
I don't want to witness that.
‐ Griffin, I was lying when I said I wasn't scared.
I am scared.
But I'm not scared about what's gonna happen tonight.
I'm scared about what's gonna happen after tonight.
You're going to Brown.
And I'm gonna be stuck here working at Chuck E. Cheese.
And that's life, Griff.
Look, you go and you beat that Dr. Seuss promposal asshole to the punch.
You look Lena in the eyes and tell her
exactly what you've wanted to tell her your entire life.
Tonight we become legends, Griffin.
We go to that party and we win that Gauntlet.
This is our last chance to make a great memory.
‐ Wow! That was really good.
That was good. ‐ Thanks.
‐ Did you practice that?
‐ A couple of times. Yeah.
‐ Ughhh!
‐ I know that groan!
‐ Ah, I still don't have a wristband.
What is that? Hags, why are you winking?
GRIFFIN: Man, I just don't know about this.
I haven't been over to Andrew's house since, like, the second grade
when his mom did that thing with the mousetrap.
‐ Who cares? He said he has extra wristbands.
You need a wristband. Ring the bell.
[doorbell ringing]
GRIFFIN: Should we call him?
HAGS: He don't believe in phones.
[door creaking]
‐ Hello?
‐ Hello, hello.
‐ Hello? Andrew?
Hello?
Hi, Mrs. Hellmuth?
‐ What do you want?
‐ Uh, sorry for barging in your home like this.
Is Andrew here?
‐ Andrew?
My, uh‐‐
‐ Your‐‐ ‐ Your son.
‐ Yeah. Son.
You're looking for him?
‐ Uh, yes, ma'am. It's kind of an emergency.
‐ You guys cops?
‐ No. ‐ No.
GRIFFIN: We're just‐‐ We're in high school.
‐ Griffin? Hags?
HAGS: Andrew! ANDREW: Holy shi‐‐
Uh, it's okay, Mom. These are my friends.
‐ Your friends? Yeah, right.
‐ I have friends, Mom! Why don't you believe me?
‐ Why don't I believe that you have friends?
Probably because your tendency towards violence
caused us to be banned from the fucking church.
‐ You didn't give me my calming pills! That's why.
‐ I canceled our family trip to Reno to pay for your freaking calming pills!
Why do you think your father left?
ANDREW: You said my dad left to pursue his dreams.
‐ His only dream was to leave this house.
Happy Binge!
‐ Fuck you, Mom!
I'll bury you behind a Jiffy Lube. And my friends are gonna help me!
‐ We will not be doing that. ‐ We're not, we're not gonna do that.
‐ I mean, I don't even know him now.
‐ You think I'm afraid of a couple of puto cops?
I spent 18 years in a Bangkok prison
hanging upside down from my labia.
Two of those years, I was pregnant with you.
‐ That's not even true, Mom. Who are you trying to impress?
‐ Take these two guys up to my room
and show them the Chai Ming Fist Bump.
BOTH: I don't wanna see that.
‐ What the fuck does that even mean, Mom?
‐ I'll burn that tongue if you ever speak to me that way again.
‐ Do it!
[flesh sizzling]
[both screaming]
DEIDRE: Dinner's in ten.
I love you! ‐ I love you, too!
‐ Give Mommy a kiss.
‐ [lisping] I'm so sorry about that, guys.
‐ My mom, she just loves showing off in front of my friends.
[laughing]
‐ Listen, Andrew, we're in a bit of a rush.
Uh, we just wanted to know how much we would have to pay you
for those wristbands you said you can get us?
‐ Well, currency is an illusion influenced by a false reality.
I live my life on a bartering system.
‐ Okay, we can work with that. ‐ Oh.
‐ So what do you want?
‐ To be your wingman tonight.
‐ Well, of course you can, man. ‐ Really?
‐ Yeah. That's‐‐ ‐ Whoa, wait a minute.
You see, me and Griffin, we're a duo.
We've never been a trio. ‐ What are you doing?
‐ Right. Right, right, right. Okay, okay.
‐ Andrew, do you mind if Griffin and I just have a sidebar over here.
Not about you, at all.
Is that okay? Thank you. ‐ What's going on?
‐ Whoa, we can't bring him, bro. He's not helping our cool factor.
‐ And you're doing wonders for our cool factor bringing bonus overalls?
Look, Lena has a wristband. Sarah has a wristband! I need a wristband!
And having another person to pedal that monstrosity outside
wouldn't hurt either. HAGS: Fine.
Fine. Andrew.
‐ Yes. ‐ We're back. Sorry.
‐ Uh‐huh.
What‐‐ ‐ You're in.
‐ Yeah, you can be our wingman tonight.
‐ What?
GRIFFIN: Yeah. HAGS: Yes.
‐ What?
‐ Oh‐kay.
GRIFFIN: Yeah. It's all right. ANDREW: Oh my god!
Wow! Uh‐‐
I swear... I will not let you guys down.
‐ How 'bout those wristbands?
‐ Ah, yes.
Actually, I 3D printed them.
I 3D print a lot of stuff.
‐ Oh, awesome, man. These things‐‐
‐ Andrew, these are purple.
The Library Party wristbands are orange.
‐ Yes. Hags, that is a very good observation.
You see, unfortunately, the guy I usually barter with,
he was all out of the orange filament so‐‐
‐ Well, that doesn't help us at all. ‐ Right, right, right. Uh‐‐
My twin brother Seb has real ones.
‐ Seb? "The Ice Russian?"
Didn't he go to juvie for stabbing some guy with a screwdriver?
‐ Wait, he's your twin brother?
‐ Yeah. From a different father.
‐ Excuse me. ‐ What?
‐ Heteropaternal superfecundation.
It's actually pretty common.
You see, it's when a woman allows two random sexual partners
to ejaculate inside of her during a special two‐egg ovulation.
Yeah. And then she has fraternal twins from two different fathers.
So I have a... half‐twin brother. Or a full twin half‐brother.
Halfernal for short. He's actually‐‐ He's, uh, six days older than me.
I was thinking we'd do the old switcheroo.
All right, just follow my bullshit.
Okay, guys, listen to me.
No matter what he says, do not sit down.
‐ Hello! How are you?
Uh, I'm Hags. This is Griffin.
You know Andrew.
That's a real beer.
SEB: The fuck is it?
‐ Go, go.
[dart pops]
‐ Ah, little brother.
What are you doing here?
I thought you vowed never to talk to me again
after I made you eat all that tinsel off the Christmas tree.
‐ Time heals all wounds, brother.
‐ Ah, there's always time to make another. [rips]
‐ Whoa. Okay. All right. [dart pops]
Guys, I think we're really getting off on the wrong foot here.
‐ Are you cops?
‐ We are literally in the same grade. Why does everyone think we're cops?
‐ I don't really know. [dart pops]
Oh! Uh, speaking of the Library Party tonight,
we have these really cool purple VIP wristbands,
but we don't know where the entrance is.
‐ Yeah, we can't find any information online.
‐ Yes. So, we just figured a couple top cool all‐stars like yourselves would know.
‐ VIP? HAGS: Yes.
‐ Have a seat.
‐ We're standers. ‐ Sit!
‐ Yeah, we can do that. ‐ Sure.
[snorts]
‐ Ohh!
Jersey Turnpike?
‐ Jersey Turnpike?
‐ Half a line of protein, half a line of creatine.
‐ That's not even drugs? ‐ Yeah, why would I wanna do that?
I don't wanna do that.
‐ If you're not a narc, then you wouldn't mind doing a Jersey Turnpike.
[airhorn blares] ‐ Oh!
Dude, do the Jersey Turnpike.
[sniffs deeply]
‐ Whoa... [stammers] that burns a lot.
‐ Yeah, baby!
So let me get this straight.
You come into my personal space with your purple wristbands
and this talk of VIP.
You think you're what, just gonna,
just waltz out of here?
[airhorn blares] ‐ Oh!
‐ Well, you got another thing coming,
because I would love...
to compensate you for those.
Generously.
‐ Yeah, that‐‐
‐ How's a grand sound?
‐ Pssh. ‐ That works.
‐ That's a pretty good deal. ‐ That's great.
‐ Perfect for us. ‐ Huh?
‐ 'Cause no offense, 'cause you're not really the VIP type.
You stand out.
‐ We totally agree.
Thank you for being so honest.
[airhorn blares] Oh‐kay!
This guy, man. He really likes that thing.
‐ Okay, so if you guys are good, I think we're good. We're definitely good.
So I think then that's it. I think that's it then.
So we'll just swap our VIP wristbands for your normal ones. And that's good.
These are for you. ‐ Thank you, Seb.
Give my boy the cash, all right.
It was nice doing business with you. ‐ Oh, oh, I just have one more question.
Come on.
‐ It's a secret. ‐ It's... it's‐‐
‐ Ahh! HAGS: Whoa! Whoa!
‐ You think I'm fucking stupid?
‐ No, sir! No, we do not. SEB: Huh?
[groans] SEB: You come in here.
You try to take the Gauntlet win from us?
You got‐‐ [mini‐crossbow whooshes]
Oww!
Oh fuck! Ow!
Wha‐‐ No! What the fuck? Oh, you shot me!
‐ Now let me friend go!
‐ I'm not touching him. He's over there.
‐ Let him go!
‐ I'm not even near him!
‐ Give me the wristbands
or the next one's in the breadbasket,
I fucking swear to God!
‐ Give it to him. Give it to him.
Okay, good. Calm down‐‐
[screams] GRIFFIN: Oh.
‐ Oh my god! You shot my dick!
You shot my dick!
‐ Oh! ‐ All right, motherfuckers.
‐ He shot my penis. ‐ You shot his penis.
‐ There's gonna be‐‐ ‐ Oww! What the‐‐
‐ I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Hags.
‐ Goddammit! You shot me in my neck!
‐ God, I don't want to look at it.
ANDREW: I didn't mean to! I'm sorry.
‐ We gotta go!
‐ Don't pull it out! Don't pull it out!
GRIFFIN: Go! Go! Go! HAGS: Go!
‐ Get 'em!
GRIFFIN: We got the wristbands. Let's go. We got 'em.
ANDREW: I'm sorry!
HAGS: What the fuck?
SEB: Come on, get 'em!
HAGS: Pump it! MAN: I'm gonna kick your ass!
‐ It's right on the shaft. It's right on the shaft.
ANDREW: Did we lose them?
GRIFFIN: Do you think we can stop?
HAGS: Ow. GRIFFIN: I think we're good.
HAGS: Owww! GRIFFIN: I think we can stop!
Oh!
Oh, that was crazy.
HAGS: Ahh!
Oww!
All right. We're okay.
‐ That was so crazy.
‐ I got a dart in my neck!
I have a dart in my neck.
‐ I'm sorry, Hags. I didn't mean to.
‐ Griffin, what the fuck is on your face?
‐ What? HAGS: What's on your face?
Oh! Oh my god.
‐ I don't know, it's stuck.
‐ You gotta rip it off. HAGS: Holy‐‐
‐ Just rip it? ‐ Like a Band‐Aid.
‐ No, just take it off your‐‐ Oh shit! ‐ Oh!
Ohhh! Fuck you. That hurts so bad!
ANDREW: You really went for it.
‐ Why is there hair on the paper?
HAGS: Okay, okay.
‐ Andrew, did I just rip my eyebrow off?
‐ No, not all of it.
HAGS: Ohh!
‐ Oh fuck! Uh‐‐
Okay. Okay. How long does it take for an eyebrow to grow back?
‐ Six to twelve months.
‐ Months! ‐ Couple weeks to get one shipped.
‐ I need serious medical attention here.
‐ I can't talk to Lena like this. I can't talk to Lena with one eyebrow.
‐ You guys need some Library Party wristbands?
$50.
‐ So, you guys need 'em? I got 'em. Fifty bucks.
‐ What?
♪ jazz music playing on stereo ♪
CARLSEN: I got the Tahini, the green pepper.
And finish it off with that limon.
See what you think.
‐ All right.
Oh my god.
That is the most perfect hummus as always.
‐ That's just a hobby. It's pretty good.
‐ Um... think I'm gonna go upstairs and study,
get ready for bed.
‐ Study?
Well, you already got into Brown.
You should be having some fun. You're not gonna be a teenager forever.
‐ Uh... maybe tomorrow night, Dad.
‐ All right. Well, you're gonna have a hard time sleeping.
I've laid a piece of wood out,
and I'm gonna carve one of those gnome walking sticks.
I know they're ugly bastards, but I'm drawn to them. [Lena chuckles]
‐ I like 'em. ‐ You get some rest.
‐ Okay.
‐ Change your mind, we got a bowl of hummus down here.
[tires screeching]
[objects clattering]
Get off my lawn, you tweaking son of a bitch!
I'll come out there and bu‐‐
WOMAN: Who the hell you talking to?
‐ I'm so sorry, Mrs. Clarkson.
I thought you were a Binger. My fault.
Come on over. I got some hummus for you.
MAN: Whoo!
GRIFFIN: You guys really think this looks okay?
‐ Honestly, I think it's better than before.
ANDREW: Wow. You are an artist, Hags.
HAGS: Thank you, Andrew,
you crazy son of a bitch.
You know, you were awesome back there.
‐ You really were, man.
‐ Really? ‐ Yeah, you were all like, "Oh, let my friends go!"
‐ That was crazy!
‐ Yeah. Like a modern day Moses!
‐ Sure.
‐ Oh, Seb's gonna murder me
and you guys too at some point,
but net‐net, I think it was worth it.
‐ Three whiskey shots.
Enjoy!
Happy Binge.
Sick brow! GRIFFIN: Oh.
‐ Told you!
‐ Thank you, ma'am.
‐ Um, maybe we should just get to the party, you know.
Beat the rush.
‐ We are not trying to get discount printers on Black Friday.
To the Binge!
‐ But what if promposal guy beats me there?
‐ Lena is not there yet. I can promise you that, okay.
Plus, you don't wanna go dead sober.
Which is why I brought you here,
because you get all locked up around her.
Right? To the Binge!
‐ Hags is absolutely right, by the way.
People are more likely to have sex while on drugs.
My mom got pregnant with Seb and I while she was on cat tranquilizer.
‐ Why did we ever stop hanging out?
‐ That's a funny story, Hags.
Remember Greg Olivotti's roller rink party,
where you guys convinced me to do the Mambo No. 5 shuffle?
Well, I crashed into Christina Barnes and dislocated her shoulder,
and then she couldn't go to the cheer finals in Fort Lauderdale.
They ended up losing, and everyone blamed me.
Then I come to find out there's no such thing
as the Mambo No. 5 shuffle to begin with.
That kind of changed the course of my life.
‐ Wow. I totally forgot about that.
‐ Yeah. Me too.
Sorry about that, man. ‐ I'm really sorry, man.
‐ It's okay. I mean, hey, we're together now.
That's all that matters.
It just means that we're gonna have to pack half a decade
of could‐have‐beens into one night!
‐ Amen to that!
‐ Okay, I'll have a drink. I don't want to embarrass myself.
But then we really need to go.
‐ To our first sip of alcohol.
To the Binge.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Cheers, fellas. ‐ Okay.
Uhh!
[all groaning]
‐ Another round?
‐ Absolutely!
‐ I'm gonna go to the bathroom. ‐ I'll have some celery sticks!
♪ Hitchhiker's NADA playing ♪
♪
ANNOUNCER: Bingers. Bingers. Bingers!
Come on down to the Carnegie Library
for your chance to become a part of history
in this year's Gauntlet.
Four grueling rounds of drug and alcohol‐infused competition
of mind, body, and soul.
You've heard the rumors, now live them.
Maybe even see the return of the Gauntlet's most legendary Valleyman.
El Pantera.
[panther snarls]
One night only. This year's Gauntlet.
Be there! And don't die!
HAGS: [thinking] Gauntlet legends. [urinating]
What I wouldn't do to be up on this wall.
[cell phone buzzing]
Hags' hotline.
‐ Hags? Hags? ‐ Hello, Hags.
‐ Sarah. Hey!
SARAH: Are you in a bathroom?
‐ Yeah‐‐ No, I'm not in a bathroom.
I am at a Pre‐Binge VIP Party.
‐ Definitely looks like the bathroom of a Whack‐A‐Doodle's.
‐ Wow! That's crazy. I know, right?
‐ I remember you saying that you were going to the Library Party,
and I was wondering if you could pick us up.
‐ Um, what happened to the limo?
SARAH: He's, like, an hour late.
Can you come pick us up please. We really want to ride you!
‐ What? SARAH: I said, we really want to ride with you.
GRIFFIN: I don't get why Lena'd be at Sarah's.
ANDREW: Everyone's at Sarah's.
It's the official unofficial pre‐game party.
BOY 1: Hey! Who's the lucky bachelorette?
BOY 2: Mazel tov, nerds.
GRIFFIN: Maybe we should pull over for a little bit and just collect ourselves.
HAGS: No, fellas, we're almost there.
GRIFFIN: I'm gonna throw up.
[wheezy breath]
‐ You make me do this stupid shit, and I'm supposed to be the mysterious one?
‐ Do you want to hit triple digit likes or do you want to stay in the low 60s
like Erika Mendelson?
‐ What in the fuck is that?
HAGS: Ladies,
your chariot has arrived.
‐ Ew, what happened to your eyebrow?
‐ He's got cancer. Next question?
‐ I don't have cancer.
HAGS: He's just being modest. ‐ Have you guys seen Lena at all?
‐ I don't know who that is. ‐ Who the fuck is Lena?
‐ She smells good. ‐ Ladies, you guys know Andrew, right?
‐ You're Ice Russian's twin.
Didn't you set the lacrosse field on fire?
‐ Uhh, somebody had to do it. [clears throat]
‐ Cool.
‐ Listen, ladies, check it out, we got, we got ten seats.
Eleven, if you count my face.
‐ What do you mean by that?
HAGS: There's a whole squad of y'all,
and there just might not be enough seats.
‐ Sorry, Hags. Our limo driver called. He's gonna be here any minute.
‐ But... but we came all this way to rescue you.
‐ It's just that being in a limo sounds like a lot more fun than...
whatever that thing is.
‐ Hey, do you think we could ride with you guys?
This thing is super hard to pedal.
‐ I'm so sorry, our seats are spoken for.
‐ Do you know how many people die in limos per year?
Right? If you think a regular car accident is bad,
now imagine you with 19 of your best friends
all dying at the same time?
Right? Think of your families.
Wouldn't that be awful? Just awful.
They will never recover from this type of trauma. ‐ Hags! Hags! Hags!
Hags! ‐ What?
[indiscernible]
‐ Fuck!
HAGS: Oh no! GIRL: Bye!
HAGS: My life's work. GRIFFIN: No! No!
Oh no!
HAGS: No! Fuck! Fuck!
GRIFFIN: Oh no.
[tires screeching] Oh god!
ANDREW: Oh no!
‐ Nooo!
GRIFFIN: How did it turn like that?
[Hags sobbing]
♪ pop music playing in distance ♪
Uh‐‐ ANDREW: Guys!
[tires screeching]
GRIFFIN: Oh shit!
No!
ALL: Hey!
GRIFFIN: Wait. HAGS: Hey! Hey!
We're saved. We're saved!
[girls cheering] HAGS: Wait!
Yes! GRIFFIN: Wait.
HAGS: Wait [girls continue cheering]
Sarah! GRIFFIN: Don't go.
No! No! HAGS: Hey!
Goddammit!
[cell phone beeps]
Shit!
[tires screeching]
‐ It's Lena.
She just texted from the party. She asked how long till we're there.
‐ Soon! ‐ How?
‐ We'll figure it out, okay. We'll get there.
Just stall! Tell her we're picking up some booze.
Or actually some presents!
Chicks love presents. ANDREW: And astrology.
Just tell her that you're a Leo! That's why you're getting the presents.
‐ I'm a Virgo, though.
‐ That's even better. That means that your emotions rise with the tides!
‐ How do you know so much about astrology?
‐ I had a pen‐pal that went to Space Camp.
‐ Wait, okay, that's a really good idea. Let me think. Let me think for a second.
Uh... uh... "I'm at Sarah's.
"I'm just getting you presents
because I'm a Virgo." Send.
‐ Nice. ‐ Yeah?
HAGS: Proud of you. ‐ Thanks, guys.
‐ Proud of you.
‐ It autocorrected to "I'm gonna get you pregnant
because I'm a virgin!"
Fuck! ‐ Oh no.
‐ I'm sorry. Typo.
Auto‐‐
[cell phone chimes]
Fuck! I doubled down. ‐ Damn!
‐ Fuck! Wait, there's bubbles, there's bubbles, she's typing.
The bubbles went away. Why'd the bubbles go away?
Guys, this is really, really bad. What do I do?
‐ You relax. You wait for her to respond, right?
She might be into it. You gotta gauge her temperature.
‐ It said, "getting pregnant." Why would she be into that?
‐ Just, like, keep tapping it. It might go away.
♪ dance music playing in distance ♪
HAGS: Oh my god.
‐ Oh shit. ‐ Yes!
Yes! See, I told you she wouldn't leave us.
Come on! Hey, Sarah!
SARAH: You guys need a ride?
‐ Yes, please, thank you. ‐ That would be amazing. Please.
‐ Stop.
We'll give you a ride if you‐‐
‐ Suck each other?
‐ Punch each other in the face.
What? KIMMI: Yeah.
‐ Sarah, come on, please. Just give us a ride.
Griffin's got to go ask his girlfriend to prom.
‐ I'm not fucking kidding. ‐ Mm‐mm.
‐ If you guys want to get in this car,
you need to punch each other in the faces like you fucking mean it.
‐ Guys, guys, I've been punched in the face before.
It's not so bad, okay. Just picture the other guy naked.
‐ What? Guys, no. We're not punching each other in the face.
‐ Griffin, this is our only ride.
‐ Sarah, this is crazy, right? I mean, come on.
You don't actually want us to punch each other in the face.
‐ Fuck these guys. Let's go.
‐ We'll do it. We'll do it.
HAGS: Okay, Sarah, we're gonna do it! We're gonna do it!
Just punch me. Just punch me and let's get this shit over with.
‐ That's so dumb. ‐ Remember drama camp class?
I'm gonna sell that shit to the left. Bang. Right there.
Right there. Ready? ‐ Ready?
BOTH: One,
two‐‐
GRIFFIN: Oww! [girls laughing]
‐ What the fuck?
‐ Oh, why would you do that?
‐ Now it's over. It's not so bad, right?
‐ Bad. Very, very, very bad, Andrew. Fuck!
‐ The trick to getting punched in the face is to not see it coming.
‐ That was my fucking ear!
HAGS: Okay. One down, two to go.
Andrew, I'm gonna punch you. Griffin, you punch me.
‐ Okay. ‐ Ready?
ANDREW: Right. ‐ On the count of three.
‐ Got it. ‐ One, two, three‐‐
Ow! What the fu‐‐ Ow!
Is your head made out of a filing cabinet?
‐ Okay, now your turn, Hags!
‐ Okay. Okay. My turn. ‐ You ready?
‐ I'm ready. Here we go. GRIFFIN: Here we go.
You ready?
HAGS: Punch me. ‐ Okay.
‐ On the count of three. ‐ Look at me.
BOTH: One, two‐‐
‐ Wait a minute! ‐ Okay.
‐ Just give me a minute. ‐ Okay.
SARAH: Come on, Hags. ‐ Okay. Sarah, I'm doing this sh‐‐
Ahh!
GIRL 1: Shit! GIRL 2: Oh‐‐ In the neck!
‐ Fuck, you hit my throat.
GRIFFIN: You okay? ‐ What happened to the "Go"?
‐ I've never punched someone in the face before.
My inner‐ear balance is all messed up.
SARAH: I can't believe you guys just did that.
We would have let you in the car anyway.
‐ I can't swallow.
‐ I fucking love tonight.
Oh my god. Get in, you earned it.
‐ We're all good, right?
‐ Stop. What are you guys doing?
Go in the front. There's no room back here.
Fucking virgins.
‐ Oh man!
Sorry about that punchdrunk love back there.
Looks like you guys really took some shit to the face!
That was cool. Chicks said you'd dig it.
I doubt it! Right? I'm Pompano Mike!
‐ Hey. ‐ Pompano, huh?
‐ Yeah. ‐ My grandparents live in Florida!
‐ Oh! What are their names? ‐ Uh‐‐
‐ I'm just kidding, I'm not from there.
I just like to live my life in a South Florida state of mind!
[engine starts] Strap on your dicks, boys,
here we go!
FREEMAN VOICE: And so as daylight fades across the landscape
and the moon sits perched in the night sky,
the effects of the poison grip the minds of all who imbibe.
Some will live to tell a tale of growth
while other may fall prey to the dark side.
[cheering and shouting]
♪ electronic dance music playing ♪
CARLSEN: It's getting crazy out there.
[siren wailing in distance]
You know, I know tonight brings up a lot of embarrassing memories
for... both of us.
Your mom leaving,
the RV fires.
[snoring] I was actually hoping to talk to you about it tonight,
but, uh, you sleep like a dead sailor.
You snore like my Uncle Stretch.
Have to get you a sleep apnea machine for college.
College.
Where does all the time go, huh?
DIGITAL ASSISTANT: The time is 8:51 p. m.
[tablet buzzing]
"I'm at Sarah's.
I'm gonna get you pregnant because I'm a virgin!"
Griffin.
Griffin, you son of a bitch.
Sarah.
Sarah Martin's Dank‐Ass Pre‐Game.
‐ Whoo! ‐ We're gonna live forever!
‐ I'm also gonna live forever! [girls cheering]
‐ What the fuck?
KIMMI: No, get down. Come on. ‐ This is our thing.
KIMMI: This is our thing. GIRL: Sorry.
BOTH: Whoo!
♪ H. Mills Jealous playing on speakers ♪
[cheering]
‐ Give me a YOLO and one ass cheek on three.
‐ Pretty cool car, man.
‐ Yeah, thanks.
You know, this is the last remaining automobile
from Xzibit's Pimp My Ride show.
Probably before your time. I'm pretty bad with ages.
What are you guys, like, 36? 38?
‐ Uh... 18. ‐ Nice! That was a fun age.
Ah, you guys are totally legal!
You know what? Check this out!
On Binge night, I load up, baby.
‐ Pompano, you know driving under the influence
is still against the law tonight, right?
‐ Yeah.
But the only way to avoid drivers under the influence
is to be over the influence.
That was my senior quote.
I thought it was pretty wise at the time, and I still do.
You wanna tug on that?
Tug it up. ‐ Uh, no, I'm good‐‐
‐ Take it to tug town.
Besides, the cops are pretty lenient tonight, anyways.
Especially when they find out that my Uncle Rick invented the Chia Pet.
Wasn't really my uncle, he just was a man.
That's it. Suck it down pipe, guys!
Good, good, good. Suck it down pipe!
‐ What?
‐ Put it to your lips and suck it down pipe!
[Andrew coughing]
Yeah.
Suck it down pipe!
‐ Can you stop saying that?
‐ Ha! Suck it down pipe!
Suck it down pipe! ‐ I'm okay, man.
I don't want to cloud my judgment anymore.
‐ You know, the best way to deal with troubles in your life
is lots of drugs.
‐ Yes! This shit's gonna put you at ease.
‐ Suck it down pipe. ‐ You keep saying that, Pompano Mike.
I just don't know what it means.
‐ Okay, I'll spell it out for you.
Here are the ABCs of suckin' it down pipe!
Okay. You puff it in all the way down to your lungs.
Let it marinate there and then you release it.
You know, like a fart during a family movie night,
I don't know, whatever you guys wanted to watch!
♪ hip‐hop music playing ♪
[laughing]
‐ Yeah!
‐ There you go. ‐ Oh, Griffin.
‐ Suck it down pipe.
‐ Oh, "Gristen," I like you.
You got kids, Gristen?
‐ My name's not Gristen.
‐ No one's name is Gristen.
‐ Gristen.
[all laughing]
Uh, Gristen, can't make kids!
GRIFFIN/HAGS: What?
[dog barking in distance]
[knocking on door]
‐ Took you long enough.
‐ Rumor has it that the girls are here?
‐ And waiting.
‐ Thank goodness.
TRACY: Prepare to get your brushes wet, ladies!
[indiscernible chatter]
Keep going. Over here. Yes.
Right by those strawberries.
Have a seat. ‐ Okay.
‐ Whoa. I hope the carpet matches the drapes.
‐ This, uh, is a little bit more of an adult party than I‐‐
‐ Yeah and you're still wearing your pants.
[women giggling]
CARLSEN: Actually, though, um,
I'm, I'm here for my daughter, Lena Carlsen.
Is she at the party?
‐ Oh, there's a party.
In my pants.
[women laughing] ‐ Oh.
Listen, ladies, I'm actually Principal Carlsen.
I'm from the high school. ‐ Good morning, Principal Carlsen.
‐ And, um, you know, I don't have a problem with Binge‐ing,
obviously for you adults.
You ladies have‐‐ Lot of‐‐
Lot of you, uh, all girl group have gotten together to Binge tonight,
which seems fine to me.
I do have a problem though, uh, with my daughter,
and I think she might be out here Binge‐ing.
‐ Who hired this guy?
‐ Dina did. ‐ Just go with it.
Principal... can you give us detention?
‐ Um, sure.
Uh, detentions, detentions, detentions, detentions.
WOMAN: Whoo‐hoo! [laughter]
‐ I'll see all of you after school.
But I think on a serious note,
we all realize that with the kids out there drinking
and doing the things that they could be doing tonight,
things could get far worse than a detention, yeah?
‐ Yeah, I'm just not vibing with a Principal.
‐ But I'm the Principal.
I'm the Principal of the school. I'm Principal Carlsen.
‐ Okay, I'm the volleyball player.
[woman giggling]
‐ No, I understand that.
No, guys, I'm, I'm the Principal. I really am. I'm Principal Carlsen.
‐ I'm not feeling it. I don't‐‐ Is it me?
[women muttering] ‐ Ladies, you're not gonna get me off the scent here.
I don't know where you're hiding the kids.
If they're upstairs? If they're downstairs?
I'm gonna find them, okay.
So I'm asking you nicely.
‐ Oh. ‐ Right?
Stop playing around with me and tell me where the kids are,
or I can make it pretty uncomfortable here in town.
I'm also a city councilman.
I can find out if the property taxes to this house is paid up or not.
I can have a detective follow you and find out
who each and every one of you girls is fucking,
and I'll turn some families upside down.
So, I'm gonna ask it one more time before things start to turn
just a little bit uncomfortable.
Ready?
Where... is... my... daughter?
‐ Yeah, see, now I love the passion and you're really going for it,
but it's too dark now.
It's too dark. Bring it back.
Maybe back to Principal.
‐ What are you talking about?
‐ We really appreciate your commitment to the part,
but we just wanna see a big swinging dick.
WOMAN: Just show us your dick.
ALL: [chanting] Show your dick and balls! Show your dick and balls!
‐ Oh, you guys are here to paint somebody.
I got it. ‐ Yes, yes.
‐ Look, maybe we can do a little painting,
and then maybe I can ask you girls some questions.
Fair? [women laughing]
Give me a minute. Give me a robe
and we'll see if we can't, uh, create
some magic alone tonight, okay.
‐ Ooh, I like that.
‐ I like all of you guys. I'm proud of you.
Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?
WOMAN: What? ‐ You're all under detention!
[cheering and clapping]
[laughter]
‐ Guys, I think I love weed.
‐ Griffin loves weed!
‐ The only thing is it's not just weed. It's Zoom, so‐‐
‐ What? ‐ A little "Super Grass."
‐ Uh‐huh?
‐ "Baby's Breath." ‐ What?
"Fry," "Ozark," "Alabaster Arrow,"
"Dirty Rubix Cube," "Disco Dave," "Spork!"
‐ I have no clue what you're talking about.
‐ It's just your plain Jane "Rainy Day Woman"
mixed with a little chunk of PCP.
‐ PCP? POMPANO MIKE: Yeah, PCP.
"Dragon's Breath," "Cheese Tacos,"
"Chicken Tamales," "Hip Hip Hooray,"
"Monkey Punch,"
"Oral Fire Traffic," "Crunch Wrap Supreme,"
"Deuces Wild," "Pirate's Booty,"
"Toledo," "Nuts‐A‐Bunch" "Los Lonely Boy"
"Diagon Alley,"
"Road to Terabithia," "Nugget Rush."
[indiscernible babbling]
[growling]
ANDREW: Fucking shit!
[Hags screaming] ANDREW: Whoa!
CARLSEN: Years from now, when you talk about this,
and you will,
be kind.
‐ Oh, and before you go, here's a little gift from your favorite students.
WOMAN: Aww!
‐ You ladies are so sweet but, honestly, my time with you was gift enough.
So thank you.
‐ Oh, trust me, you're gonna want this one.
[whispering] It's drugs.
‐ Okay. Well, thank you so much. Appreciate you guys.
WOMAN: Okay.
CARLSEN: Oh!
[giggling]
‐ Great night.
‐ Okay, take care.
[door closes]
[squealing]
This was so fun!
♪ rock music playing ♪
♪
‐ Come back here, we're bored.
‐ What? ‐ Not you. Pompano.
SARAH: We need some caveman nuts back here.
‐ One of the downfalls of the job.
Take the wheel, Jesus.
HAGS: No, wait. Sure you don't want two people?
[indiscernible chatter]
Ah, fuck!
Goddamn.
GIRL: Hi, handsome. POMPANO MIKE: Hey, ladies, what's up?
GIRL: You're so fucking silly.
GRIFFIN: This is bad, man.
She's not trying to figure out a witty response.
She's trying to figure out how to tell me never to talk to her again.
‐ All right, man, wait. Take it easy, okay.
That's‐‐ that's‐‐ that's the paranoia kicking in.
Send her a text message with a heart emoji and you're in.
‐ I can't text a promposal,
especially after the whole auto‐correct debacle.
‐ If you don't wanna text her, then just pick up the phone and call.
‐ That's what I'm gonna do. That's what I gotta do. ‐ Man, pick up the phone and call her.
[line ringing]
‐ Okay, here we go, here we go. It's ringing, it's ringing.
‐ Griff, something you wanna say?
‐ Yeah, that's actually why I was calling.
‐ You think you can just say whatever you want over text
because we're not face to face?
‐ It was just an auto‐correct. I would never‐‐ I would never have ty‐‐
I would never get you pregnant.
‐ I know. I'm just kidding with you.
I thought it'd be funny to not respond, you know, make you wonder.
‐ Okay. That's funny.
You've‐‐ That's very funny.
LENA: Yeah, I bet I made you nervous there, huh?
‐ No, I don't, I don't get too nervous in general so‐‐
‐ Man, get to the point. Just ask the question.
‐ Hey, so it's been a pretty wild night so far.
This isn't how I was planning on doing it but I,
I didn't get a chance to earlier [engine revving]
because of the confetti at the lockers,
but I was just wondering if no one else has asked‐‐
[Hags screaming] You bitch!
‐ What?
[girls screaming] HAGS: Oh, what the fuck?
[horn blaring] ‐ Is he dead?
‐ Andrew!
‐ Watch the fucking road! [screaming]
[tires screeching] HAGS: Holy shit!
[screaming]
‐ Put his foot on the brake!
[tires screeching]
‐ Pulp Fiction him, Griffin! ‐ We're gonna Pulp Fiction him!
That's what we're gonna do.
[horn blaring]
‐ We're gonna die! ‐ We're gonna Pulp Fiction him.
[all screaming]
[tires screeching, horn blaring]
‐ Oh, you're okay.
[cow moos, limo thuds]
[grunts, tires screeching]
[all groaning] GIRL: Goddammit!
[steam hissing]
ANDREW: What was that? HAGS: Oh my god.
You okay?
GIRL: Open this door? HAGS: Griff, you all right?
[girls shouting, indiscernible]
GIRL: Come on! Get out, guys!
‐ Ow!
All right.
‐ Oh no.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
What‐‐ What have we‐‐ What have we done?
GRIFFIN: Did we just kill an innocent cow?
‐ We are not bad people, Lord, we just made a mistake.
‐ Hags, what the hell?
‐ The driver drugged Andrew. POMPANO MIKE: No, I didn't!
I didn't do anything.
‐ Did you guys kill a cow?
SARAH: Fix that cow.
HAGS: Wait, what about the drugs?
‐ No! No more drugs for us tonight!
‐ I'm... I'm with Griffin on this one, Hags.
HAGS: Not for us.
‐ What? ‐ What?
‐ Come on, Bessie.
‐ You guys are fucking idiots.
‐ We know!
‐ We're trying!
I'm gonna put some cocaine in his eye. ‐ Fix the cow!
‐ Everybody, please stop yelling.
Okay, that worked. Give me something else.
‐ Wake that cow up! Fix it!
HAGS: Come on, Bessie.
‐ I'm pretty sure Lena thinks I called her a bitch.
‐ Live, cow!
‐ Why won't he live?
HAGS: We gotta give her more drugs. [Andrew grunting]
‐ Come on, guys! Don't let her die.
‐ You shut the fuck up, Pompano! We know!
‐ I'm gonna Pulp Fiction the cow.
[bellows]
[heaving] ‐ Ew!
[cow moos] ‐ Ow!
‐ You okay? ‐ It's alive!
GIRL: Oh my god, it's alive!
‐ It's alive!
GIRL: Oh my god!
HAGS: Hey, cow! ANDREW: Yes!
[moos] GIRL: Come on, girl.
[indiscernible chatter]
‐ It's a miracle.
‐ She's even better than she was before!
[moos] [tires screeching]
[gasps]
‐ Oh! Oh god!
GIRL: I'm gonna throw up.
SARAH: You guys are poison. ‐ Fuck you, cow killers.
[girls continues talking, indiscernible]
GIRL: You ruined our perfect night.
This is why nobody fucks with you.
[crying] You're always gonna be virgins!
‐ Oh no!
GIRL 1: I can get some more‐‐
BOY: Holy shit!
Is that Principal Carlsen?
‐ Hey, guys.
Hey, Tyler. How are you fellas? TYLER: Hi.
‐ Just curious, do you guys know any of the, uh, parties that are happening tonight?
‐ Tonight? I haven't heard anything.
‐ No? No idea. ‐ No.
‐ Oh! [gagging]
[all gasp]
‐ Do you think because I participate in Wacky Wednesdays
I can't get a little crazy, huh?
Just because I participate in Wacky Wednesdays
doesn't mean I can't change the course of your life!
Does that make sense, you stupid ass?
‐ Look, most people are going to Carnegie Library.
All right?
‐ Smart.
Hiding in plain sight.
Come on, big guy. That wasn't so bad.
Proud of the way you've conducted yourself on and off the field.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's this? You guys gettin' into some slamballs?
Run your pockets. ‐ What's a slamball?
‐ This is how it starts.
Little sip of wine,
some slamballs,
and then you leave your family
for an ATV instructor named Gabriel.
And then you stop being a mom
and participating in the family
because you're so ashamed from a life of porn,
you can't look your daughter in the eye anymore.
And guess who gets stuck holding the bag?
Dear old dad.
Is that gonna be you?
Are you gonna be a mom
that leaves her family?
Let me ask you a question, big boy.
Look at me.
Are you a mom that could walk out on her family?
‐ No. No, sir.
‐ Are you a mom that could walk out on his family?
‐ I would never leave you.
‐ The fuck makes you think I'm talking about me?
‐ I thought we were just role‐playing.
I know it wasn't you.
If I was a mother, I would never leave my family.
That's all I know. Here, these are, these are all my drugs.
I'm sorry I lied to you, Principal Carlsen.
‐ Why didn't we just start here
and skip all the hitting in the throat stuff, huh? [chuckles]
You guys have a great night, okay.
You know what, we'll do better next time.
Oh.
And if anybody asks you guys,
just let 'em know that the Panther sent you.
[all gasp] GIRL: Oh!
SPENCER: Who's the panther? Where's he supposed to send us?
GIRL 1: Oh shit! GIRL 2: Did you see that?
[horn honking]
‐ We have just experienced a serious trauma, people.
Hey, why won't anybody pick us up? MAN: ...dickless!
‐ Uber says it's gonna take two hours and it's surging 350.
BECKY: [on phone] This night slaps.
LENA: Best night ever.
HAGS: Griff, you good?
‐ Mark fucking Maynard.
‐ This night slaps!
‐ Night of our lives! ‐ Whoo!
GRIFFIN: Who else could it be?
HAGS: Listen, man, Mark did not ask her to prom,
I know that for a fact.
Look, we cannot give up now. We are 6.8 miles away from that party.
And then when Lena sees you, there's no way she can say no to you.
‐ Well, what would that even look like, man?
"Hey, Lena, it's me.
"I'm really sorry for calling you a bitch earlier.
"It's probably because I was high off my ass on PCP.
"I almost just died after crashing into a cow
"and they got absolutely fucking demolished by an 18 wheeler
"and as I'm sure you've noticed by now, I'm missing an entire fucking eyebrow.
"But hey, don't worry about it.
"It'll probably grow back in six to twelve months.
You wanna go to prom?"
‐ Hey, you sold me. ‐ I'd say yes.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
[mini‐crossbow whooshes]
‐ Ow! What the shit? ANDREW: Griffin.
‐ Oh, something's in my ass. ‐ What?
‐ My entire ass is on fire!
Oh, that hurts‐‐ SEB: Hey!
Hey, lookie‐lookie.
‐ Big bro.
My good friend here, he wanted to ask his girlfriend to‐‐
[mini‐crossbow whooshes]
HAGS: Andrew? Andrew!
[Andrew screaming] Oh no!
‐ Get 'em in the truck. [Hags screaming]
[all screaming]
[Andrew screaming]
[indiscernible chatter]
GIRL: Will I be able to drive if I eat two Binge‐A‐Ritos?
MAN: I would not recommend it.
[pop]
[girl laughs]
GIRL: You're so stupid.
Binge‐A‐Ritos.
Six for 12 bucks.
Meat, cheese, romaine lettuce, and magic mushrooms.
‐ Magic mushrooms?
‐ Bon appetit!
‐ Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
‐ You're going on a little trip.
‐ They're probably only dusted with magic mushrooms.
I doubt that the Wall of Tacos would risk their impeccable reputation
by poisoning people.
♪ Marcus' Grains of Sand playing ♪
‐ ♪ Your eyes so soft and blue that I once knew ♪
♪ Like a dazzling light within a pool of liquid night ♪
♪ But when I reach for you, you disappear ♪
[crowd cheering]
♪ Then reappear through shades of blue ♪
♪ I follow you till you're out of sight ♪
MAN: Whoo!
Twenty‐nine Binge‐A‐Ritos! They broke the fucking record!
[crowd cheering] BOY 1: Oh shit.
BOY 2: Yeah!
‐ I really don't think we should be doing this many drugs.
‐ [mockingly] "I don't think we should be doing anymore drugs."
[normal voice]: That's you!
‐ Seb, please, just let us go. ‐ [mockingly]: "Seb, please, just let us go."
[normal voice]: That's also you, you fucking piece of shit.
‐ Do you have any idea how long we've been training for this Gauntlet?
‐ Okay. No, that's it. I'm done. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh!
Hey, he's still back there.
‐ Now it's payback time. GRIFFIN: Now it's payback time?
What have we been doing here the whole fucking time?
‐ Preparing.
‐ Preparing for what?
‐ The Siamese Tootsie Roll.
[stomach rumbling]
‐ Is that a dessert here?
[airhorn blares]
♪ club music playing ♪
‐ Hey, Becky. Becky?
‐ What? ‐ I'm just gonna go home.
‐ No, no, no! You can't leave now.
‐ Yeah, I just need this to charge a little more,
and then I'm gonna call an Uber. ‐ No, you can't‐‐
No, you can't leave now. No.
He wouldn't have asked you to come if he wasn't gonna be here.
‐ Okay. Well, maybe Mr. Promposal just got drunk or something.
‐ No, stay. Just stay a little longer!
I'll be right with you in a second.
[cell phone chimes]
GRIFFIN: Where did they get all this tape from?
HAGS: I gotta go to the bathroom now.
LENA: Griffin?
‐ Hags, you need to be an adult about this.
Do not shit‐‐
ANDREW: I need to go to the bathroom too.
GRIFFIN: No. Andrew, no. Andrew.
Do not. Stay strong, Andrew.
[all grunting]
♪ Shit/Poop My Pants by the F Heads playing ♪
‐ ♪ I think I shit my pants, gonna need new pants ♪
[crowd cheering, laughing]
♪ I shit my pants ♪
[all shouting]
HAGS: You fucking heathens.
[indiscernible conversation]
You're all heathens.
‐ ♪ And now it's time ♪
MAN: All right, all right.
HAGS: Thank you, man.
MAN: Yeah, it's no problem.
GIRL 1: Come this way.
GIRL 2: Hey, it's the Siamese Tootsie Roll guys.
GIRL 1: All right.
‐ "Siamese Tootsie Roll guys?"
We have a name.
‐ Oh yeah! You're going viral. GRIFFIN: You happy, Hags?
‐ Hey, look, at least we'll be recognized tonight at the Library Party.
‐ I don't care about recognition, man.
I just want to get to this stupid party and ask Lena to prom!
‐ You've been saying that every day for the past five months.
‐ You know, you're kind of an asshole, man.
‐ Well, if it wasn't for this asshole,
you'd still be at home tonight doing the Root Beer Goat.
‐ Because of you, the dean of Brown is gonna look up my name
and see me, you, and Andrew taped ass to ass,
rolling down the street blindfolded on Binge Night.
Principal Carlsen's gonna see that. Everyone will.
That could ruin my fucking life.
If I'm even alive after the 30 mushroom‐filled burritos we just ate.
‐ Oh, I'm sorry
for trying to add some fun
to your miserable existence, Griffin. ‐ What?
What part of anything about tonight was fun?
Andrew, are you having fun?
‐ Ah, fucking Binge, man.
‐ You see?
You see? ‐ You didn't even want him to come.
‐ Of course I wanted him to come. ‐ You said he was hurting our cool factor.
‐ And you only wanted him for the wristbands!
‐ If you guys didn't want me to come, you could have just said that.
‐ That's not true. ‐ That's not it, Andrew.
‐ No, I got along fine just by myself.
I don't like being somewhere I'm not appreciated.
GRIFFIN: Andrew, that's not what we meant.
HAGS: Andrew!
Goddammit, Griffin. This is the bullshit I'm talking about.
You know what?
I'm going to that party tonight.
Without you.
We could've been legends tonight, man.
We could have crushed that Gauntlet.
Griffin, this is the bullshit I'm talking about!
You know what?
I'm going to that party tonight.
‐ If you guys didn't want me to come, why didn't you just say that?
‐ Root Beer Goat.
DAKOTA: You're going on a little trip.
‐ It's okay. You're just dying.
‐ I don't wanna be a little girl.
[cawing]
DAKOTA: You're going on a little trip! HAGS: Root Beer Goat.
[overlapping voices]
HAGS' VOICE: Dammit, Griffin, this is the bullshit I'm talking about.
[bleating]
♪ mystical music playing ♪
GIRL: Your entire world turns into a musical.
‐ ♪ I just need a little change ♪
♪ So that I can catch the bus ♪
‐ ♪ Check out this kid's getup ♪
♪ Looks like he might have some scratch ♪
‐ ♪ Give us all your money, kid ♪
‐ ♪ Sorry, not today, man ♪
♪ Wait, why are we singing? ♪
♪ What the fuck is happening? ♪
‐ ♪ He said, let's Binge, Griffin, we'll have a rocking time ♪
♪ On the one night of the year when railing lines is not a crime ♪
‐ ♪ Soon he's off to college while I vanish from his brain ♪
♪ He'll be getting knowledge and remember me as lame ♪
‐ ♪ We thought it'd be terrific ♪
♪ To be substance abusers ♪
♪ But that was quite horrific ♪
♪ You made us look like losers ♪
‐ ♪ The best night ever ♪
♪ Turned out pretty rotten ♪
♪ Now when he's with new friends at Brown ♪
♪ I will be forgotten ♪
‐ ♪ I hate you so much, Hags, you've probably ruined my life ♪
♪ I almost asked Lena to prom and then to be my wife ♪
BOTH: ♪ What the fuck is happening? ♪
♪ My brain's completely fried!
♪ The night became unhinged, the thought just made me cringe ♪
♪ It's not how it should be on the Binge ♪
‐ ♪ All I ever wanted were some friends ♪
♪ Pals with me till the very end ♪
♪ How I fix this now? I really don't know how ♪
♪ We tore off an eyebrow ♪
♪ And killed a lovely cow ♪
[gunshot, cow moos]
BOTH: ♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Have some shrooms, then smoke some crack ♪
♪ Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack ♪
♪ We won't stop till all our brains are fucking fried ♪
♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters when we binge ♪
♪ Is we're gonna get high ♪
‐ ♪ If only I was brave I could've asked her to the prom ♪
♪ I missed my opportunity and now my boner's gone ♪
♪ They ripped my fucking eyebrow off I'm stuck singing this ballad ♪
♪ While Lena's off with someone else I'm tossing my own salad ♪
‐ ♪ This will be the best prom ever ♪
♪ That promposal was so damn clever ♪
♪ But not knowing who, I'm so glad it was you ♪
♪ And not someone like Griffin or Trevor ♪
♪ We'll live happily ever ♪
[champagne cork pops]
‐ Nooo!
‐ ♪ Sarah, my sweet, you're probably with some foreign guy ♪
♪ You thought it'd be a treat, maybe Swede, maybe Thai ♪
[audience whistling]
‐ ♪ Best night ever maybe a one night stand ♪
♪ Who will be my new endeavor? ♪
♪ Could be a woman or a man ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck, maybe both ♪
♪ A three‐way ought to float my boat ♪
ALL: ♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Have some shrooms, then smoke some crack ♪
♪ Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack ♪
♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Cook some meth, how 'bout black tar ♪
♪ While giving hand jobs in the car ♪
♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Have some shrooms, then smoke some crack ♪
♪ Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack ♪
‐ ♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters when we ♪
ALL: ♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters is we get ♪
♪ So fucking ♪
♪ High ♪
[girl giggling]
GIRL: Whoo!
♪ Yellow Claw and Fatman Scoop's Reckless playing ♪
‐ ♪ Don't act up ♪
♪ Don't act up, don't act up ♪
♪ Don't act up, push your back up ♪
♪ This is the opportunity to get that ass up ♪
♪ You wanna get wild, get wild ♪
♪ Take it from the sky to the ground ♪
♪ Don't act up, push your back up ♪
♪ This is the opportunity to get that ass up ♪
♪ You wanna get wild, get wild ♪
♪ Take it from the sky to the ground ♪
[crowd chattering and cheering]
‐ Lena!
[voice echoing] Lena!
[crowd cheering]
‐ ♪ Don't act up, push your back up ♪
♪ This is the opportunity to get that ass up ♪
♪ You wanna get wild, get wild ♪
♪ Take it from the sky to the ground ♪
♪ Right now ♪
♪ Don't act up, push your back up ♪
♪ This is the opportunity to get that ass up ♪
♪ You wanna get wild, get wild ♪
♪ Take it from the sky to the ground ♪
♪ Right now ♪
♪ Take it from the sky to the ground ♪
♪
BOOMER/PUN‐ISHER: Do drugs, motherfuckers!
[crowd cheering]
♪ In the House by Outasight playing ♪
‐ ♪ I'm Saucier like macaroni ♪
[sniffing]
‐ Whoo!
‐ ♪ Anyway, pull up around nine ♪
♪ That really means eleven my time ♪
♪ I gotta feeling this going all night ♪
♪ And that's the kinda thing you know I like ♪
♪ Make yourself feel right at home ♪
♪ There's no other place to be ♪
♪ Call everyone now that you know ♪
♪ And tell 'em that you're here with me ♪
♪ Whoa, think we're having a party ♪
♪ Whoa, I think we're having a party ♪
♪ Whoa, and everyone's invited ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ We in the house, whoa, oh ♪
♪ We in the house ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ So come on in and stay as long as you like ♪
♪ Come on in, you're welcome anytime ♪
♪ That's right, we in the house ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
‐ Lena!
‐ Griffin!
‐ Hags?
‐ Sarah? ‐ I can't believe you made it.
‐ Excuse me.
Um, have you seen Griffin?
‐ Yeah, he's, like, over there just jazzing with a bunch
of way cooler guys.
‐ Wait. What seriously?
‐ No, I'm fucking with you.
‐ Oh. Ha ha ha.
BOY: Suck it down pipe. Be a man.
Look at him, he's having a blast, everybody.
They call it Bong Long Island Expressway.
Come on! ‐ Oh man, yeah, that's good.
‐ Mark Maynard? ‐ Hey, Griffin.
Loving that eyebrow.
‐ I, I saw the video, so‐‐
‐ What video? ‐ Of you and Lena.
Of you two together dancing.
You're the promposal guy, right?
‐ No. I'm going to prom with Nick. Guy's got an iron grip.
‐ Hell yeah.
‐ Wait, do you know who did ask Lena, then?
‐ No. I got no idea. It could be anyone.
She's a real catch.
Could be Max Keiser, Jack Fortin. ‐ Right.
‐ Could have been Tom Fank, Matt Menina, Cameron Dzur!
‐ Lot of different people.
‐ Don't take it personally.
I love messing with you.
And tonight, I want to take our relationship to the next level.
‐ Wait, for real?
‐ No, Hags, what the fuck is wrong with you?
‐ I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know.
‐ Jerry Robinson‐‐ ‐ Jerry Robinson.
‐ Could be Tom Michelito. ‐ So many options.
‐ It could have been Kevin Weiss. ‐ Jacob Rosen.
‐ Eric Ulrich.
‐ Lot of people interested in her. MARK: Hey, hey, hey,
nice overalls though, dude, I love 'em.
‐ Have a good night. NICK: Hey, good luck.
Mark Maynard, what the fuck?
MARK: What? Don't pigeon hole me. It's the Binge.
She's got an iron grip!
‐ "This is the last clue. Don't U C.
Lena, go to prom with me."
♪ romantic music playing ♪
♪
LENA: [shrieks] Oh my god!
‐ You look Lena in the eyes and tell her
exactly what you wanted to tell her your entire life.
Mark did not ask her to prom, I know that for a fact.
We could have been legends tonight, bro.
♪
‐ Hags, you son of a bitch.
[cell phone chimes]
‐ Becky, I got a text. Becky, I got a clue. ‐ What?
‐ Look.
"The time has come to make the call,
dig deep in your heart and deep in the overalls."
What fucking overalls?
[toilet flushing]
Oh god. No.
‐ Gauntlet competitor! Please make your way to the stage.
If you haven't signed up, now is your last chance
to be... legendary!
[cheering]
‐ What about that preview that you were gonna give me in band practice?
I'm gonna be a member of the big dick club.
‐ Whoa! Oh!
[both laughing]
I mean, really?
I like that‐‐ Oh! Hey!
GRIFFIN: [over mic] Hags!
Excuse me! ‐ Griffin?
‐ Excuse me.
SARAH: Focus up, Hags. ‐ I'm so sorry.
This is my first Binge,
and, uh,
I said some really shitty things to some people I care a whole lot about.
‐ Who's that asshole?
‐ That asshole's my best friend.
‐ Is that Griffin?
‐ Hags, I don't know if you can hear me or‐‐
‐ All right, listen, I gotta go get my best friend.
You stay right here. ‐ What the fuck is he talking‐‐
HAGS: I love you. Yeah, I'll be back.
Sorry. My best friend. ‐ Hags!
BOY 1: Get the fucker off the stage.
BOY 2: Super lame! GIRL: Get off the stage!
BOY 3: What the fuck, man?
‐ Griffin!
GRIFFIN: Hags? ‐ Hey, Griffin!
‐ Hags!
‐ Sorry for the‐‐ HAGS: Hey!
‐ I'm coming, Hags.
‐ Hey, hey, Griffin!
‐ Now let's get to the Gauntlet, shall we?
[crowd cheering]
GRIFFIN: I'm coming. I'm coming, Hags.
‐ Hey, that's my best friend.
‐ Oh god, just stop drinking‐‐
Whoa! Lena! Lena, look.
Look. Lena. Lena, Lena, look. Overalls. Overalls.
LENA: Holy shit! It's Griffin!
BECKY: Yeah!
‐ Oh my god, I‐‐
‐ Dude, dude, dude, you should, you should get him!
[bottles clinking] [body thuds]
‐ Griffin! Griffin!
Hey! Hey! GRIFFIN: Hags!
HAGS: Griffin! ‐ Hags!
‐ Hey!
Did you ask Lena to prom?
‐ No, I couldn't find her.
Why did you keep saying I had to beat the other guy to the promposal?
‐ You just needed a little push, man.
Look, I always knew you would ask her. And I knew you could do it.
This was all just a backup.
Have you seen Andrew? ‐ No.
I'm not even sure how I got to the party.
‐ Well, I was tap‐dancing in the street!
‐ People were singing around me at one point.
‐ I've had an erection for six hours.
HAGS: Andrew!
What the fuck happened to you, man?
‐ Hey, hey, hey, team name?
‐ Oh, I'm sorry, we're not competing.
‐ Hey, if you're not competing, get the fuck off the stage.
HAGS: Right away, sir.
I put you through enough already. Let's go and see‐
‐ Wait, we're competing.
‐ What?
‐ There's no way in hell we came this far
not to take a run at becoming legends tonight.
You made this whole night about me. Now let me do this for you.
‐ He's right.
‐ What do you say?
This is our chance to be remembered.
‐ Oh man!
‐ I know that groan! He's in!
My man. ‐ Hey, guys, team name?
‐ Um... how about the Best Friends?
‐ You're gonna get scorched for that name.
Watch this.
Hey, give it up for the Best Friends.
[crowd booing] ‐ Hey, team Best friends, where's your Valleyman?
GRIFFIN: What the hell's a Valleyman?
‐ It's your fourth man.
Every team needs a fourth.
If he's not up here in 30 seconds, you can't compete.
‐ We didn't know about that.
‐ Griffin.
‐ Hey.
CARLSEN: Lena!
Dad? CARLSEN: What the hell is going on with you?
Let's go! We're leaving.
GRIFFIN: Lena, wait.
There's something I should have asked you a long time ago
and was too terrified to do anything about it.
But standing here now in front of all these people and
with your dad right behind you, the whole situation's feeling
a thousand times more awkward and terrifying
than I even imagined it could be, but that's okay, it doesn't matter.
Will you go to prom with me?
‐ Lena, I don't even know where you're at.
You're sneaking around and you're lying to me.
You gotta come with me.
I mean, you gotta come alongside me.
It's time for us to come.
[crowd murmuring]
Let me walk that back.
I don't want that taken out of context by anybody.
We're leaving.
‐ No.
No. No, I'm not leaving.
I know that sneaking out was wrong, but you said so yourself,
I'm not gonna be a teenager forever.
So, this is where I'm at.
I want to go out, and I want to try new things
and fucking I'm probably gonna make a thousand mistakes but...
I'd really love to be able to talk to my dad about it.
PUN‐ISHER: Come on, guys, where's your Valleyman?
‐ Get off the stage, it's over.
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪
‐ You're my daughter.
I see you.
And you can talk to me anytime you want.
‐ Thank you, Dad. That's exactly what I‐‐
‐ Just not right now. ‐ Oh!
‐ I'll be your Valleyman.
Take out your little pencil and, uh, scratch down the name...
El fucking Pantera. [panther snarls]
BOOMER: Oh shit!
‐ Dad? ‐ What is happening?
‐ It's the return of El Pantera.
[crowd cheering]
CROWD [chanting]: Pantera! [bottle shatters]
Pantera!
BOTH: Oh my god! Oh my god!
BECKY: Your dad is El Pantera?
‐ You boys have the balls to dare to be living legends,
then I'm not gonna let some technicality stop that.
Truth be told, I lost to the Gauntlet once. I was selfish.
Tried to go solo.
But now I realize, it takes a team,
but only a team that's built on trust.
‐ That sounds great.
‐ You come to my house, you pretend to be my friend and clean my pool.
You played me.
Then I get a text
saying that you wanna impregnate my goddamn daughter.
‐ That was just an auto‐correct.
‐ I respected it, 'cause at least you were fucking honest,
and that's what I need to have when we're out there competing in the Gauntlet.
When the chips are down, I need to know I can count on you.
So do me a favor,
strike me in the nuts.
You want me to do what? ‐ Show me your cards, Captain.
Hit me in my balls and let me know your heart is true.
‐ I just really don't feel comfortable doing that.
‐ No nut shot, no Gauntlet.
‐ Just do it!
CROWD: Ohh! ‐ Yeah!
BOY: Oh!
‐ I've never felt as close to anyone
as I do to you right now.
[crowd murmuring]
♪ rousing music playing ♪
♪
Can I get a cawww!
‐ Cawww!
CROWD: Cawww!
ANDREW: Caw! Caw! Caw!
BOOMER: Let's do this!
[crowd chanting "caw"]
BOOMER: Ladies and gentlemen,
the time has finally come for this year's
Gauntlet! [cheering]
Which one of our brave competitors will emerge victorious?
Now is the chance to create a memory
that you will cherish for the rest of your lives.
To prove that you're more than the worthless piece of shit
everyone said you were
and finally win the heart of your longtime crush. ‐ Hags. Hags.
‐ A chance to earn the respect of your Principal
so he'll let you take his daughter to prom.
A chance to finally prove to your violent twin brother
that you are no longer taking his abuse.
Teams will compete in three rounds of morally questionable events.
At the end of round three,
the two teams with the most points will face off in a sudden death match.
BOY: Whoo!
BOOMER: Where the winning team will be memorialized in Binge history.
[crowd cheering]
Now put your hands together for round one,
the Liquid Plumber!
ANNOUNCER: [sing‐songy] Liquid Plumber!
ALL: Ready?
Set!
Binge!
BOOMER: Now this is easy.
You just chug the mixture of whiskey, Goldschlager,
hen's piss, Just For Men hair dye,
and sink water from an Arby's!
‐ Then sing The Pledge of Allegiance.
‐ Let's go, Griffin! HAGS: Let's go! Come on!
‐ To the tune of the national anthem!
♪ "Star Spangled Banner" plays on speakers ♪
Ice Russians are up. They're singing. ‐ ♪ I pledge allegiance ♪
BOOMER: Playboy Legends are up.
‐ Suck it down pipe.
[competitors singing The Pledge of Allegiance]
CARLSEN: Let's go!
[coughing] HAGS: Let's go, Griff!
BOTH: Oh my God!
‐ I pledge allegiance to the Flag‐‐
[singing drunkenly]
BOOMER: Ice Russians finish.
Playboy Legends finish.
‐ For the lib‐‐ With liberty and justice for all!
‐ Yes!
BOOMER: And team Best Friends finish! [cheering]
‐ Whoo! HAGS: Let's go.
[Griffin retching] ‐ Oh damn.
[Griffin coughing] It's all right, buddy.
BOOMER: Ice Russians taking an early lead.
Best Friends having a real hard time.
The next event: Serbian Molly Tickle Feather.
ANNOUNCER: [sing‐songy] Serbian Tickle Feather.
BOOMER: [indistinct dialogue] Competition as old as time itself.
PUN‐ISHER : Best Friends will have to take this next round
if they want to stay alive.
BOOMER : Looks like that quick‐release MDMA is doing its job!
HAGS: Andrew, we need this more than ever, baby. Come on!
Pull through. ‐ Get him, Andrew, let's go!
‐ Whoo!
[laughing]
‐ Hey.
Hey, Seb.
‐ What?
‐ Nothing.
‐ Pull his arm, Andrew. Pull his arm!
‐ I love you.
‐ There's a lot a deep meaningful conversation happening down there.
‐ I love you too, bro.
‐ I've been waiting my whole life‐‐
[grunts]
‐ No! [airhorn blares]
BOOMER: It's a close Gauntlet out there, folks.
Ice Russians and the Criminals neck and neck.
Team Best Friends is nearly eliminated at this point.
PUN‐ISHER: The only thing that can change the dynamic of the Gauntlet
is the Valleymen round.
‐ It's convenient? Sure. But what do you want from us?
We don't make the rules.
‐ We're gonna need a miracle to win this thing.
ANNOUNCER: [sing‐songy] Alligator Donut.
BOOMER: This is life or death for team Best Friends.
And since it's the Valleymen round, it actually is
life or death!
PUN‐ISHER: And for that reason, it's worth more points than any other round.
But remember, guys, if there's a death, no points are awarded.
‐ This is our last shot at making the finals.
‐ This is why we play the game.
[Andrew speaking Spanish]
PUN‐ISHER: Now, Valleymen,
assume the donut.
‐ Now, Valleymen, assume the Purple Drank.
PUN‐ISHER: Now, Valleymen, assume the spin.
[crowd cheering]
‐ Oh my god!
PUN‐ISHER: Now, Valleymen,
assume the gator! [airhorn blares]
[growling]
[all gasp]
‐ The donut must stay on the gator's head for five seconds.
Good luck! PUN‐ISHER: Now be careful,
he hasn't eaten in a week and he's been listening to EDM all day.
He is super hyped up.
[girl screaming]
ALL: Ready.
[growling]
Set!
BOTH: Binge!
[crowd chanting]
[alligator growling]
‐ Take your time, Pantera, you're good.
[indistinct chatter]
‐ Oh‐kay!
BOOMER: If the donut stays on its head till the count of five,
the game is over.
‐ Mark, place that fucking donut on its head.
[growls]
BOOMER: Ice Russians place the donut.
‐ That's what I'm talking about. ALL: Five,
four, three, two, one!
‐ What?
BOY: Where did it go? BOOMER: What the fuck happened to the donut?
El Pantera has the donut!
[cheering]
‐ Yes! Yes!
BOOMER: That's why they call him El Pantera.
SEB: Wait, can he do that?
CROWD: [chanting] Pantera!
Pantera! HAGS: He can.
CROWD: Pantera! ANDREW: You got this, Pantera.
‐ You got it, Pantera. Here we go.
BOOMER: If the Best Friends can take this, they'll be in the sudden death round
with the Ice Russians.
‐ Sixty seconds remaining.
[alligator growling]
‐ Come on, Pantera.
[hisses, snaps] [girl shrieks]
‐ Dad, be careful. CARLSEN: Lena, quiet.
You're gonna scare the gator.
We talked about this.
‐ When?
[growling]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
‐ Yeah! CROWD: Five,
four, three, two, one.
[cheering] [airhorn blows]
BOOMER: El Pantera wins the Valleymen round
and puts team Ice Russians and team Best Friends neck and neck.
We'll see both of these teams in the final round
for all the marbles.
ANNOUNCER: [sing‐songy] Cocaine Scarface.
BOOMER: You have three minutes to snort as much cocaine as possible.
But if you pick your head up at any point,
you have to do your best Al Pacino in Scarface impression
until you go back to snorting.
‐ The Gauntlet Win will go to the team with the most coke snorted
and the best Pacino'ing.
ANDREW: Come on, Hags, you got this.
[cheering] ‐ Let's go, Hags!
‐ Okay.
BOOMER/PUN‐ISHER: Ready!
Set!
Binge!
[crowd cheering] [sniffing]
‐ [imitating Al Pacino] Say hello to my little friend.
‐ Yeah!
‐ Oh yeah, I'm... I'm Scarface.
I mean, look at my big ass scar on my face.
I look just like him. [crowd booing]
‐ Hags, have you ever seen Scarface?
‐ Yes, I've seen Scarface! ‐ Then do Scarface!
‐ [imitating Al Pacino] All I have in this world is my word and my balls,
and I don't break 'em for no one.
‐ I have nipples, Focker. Can you milk me?
‐ That's Robert fucking De Niro from Meet the Fockers.
‐ Dumbass.
‐ [imitating Al Pacino] You know what a chazzer is?
It's a pig who don't fly straight.
‐ How does she know so much Scarface? She's just crushing it.
‐ Who hasn't seen Scarface?
‐ I am the best Scarface from here to Pelican Bay!
‐ I mean, you do a great Denzel, but we're not doing Denzel right now.
‐ Kong King ain't got nothing on me!
‐ Get your head out of your ass, Hags. ‐ Yes, sir.
PUN‐ISHER: Time is almost up. ‐ Oh my god.
‐ Dig deep, Hags. Here we go.
Push it to the limit, Hags!
[sniffing deeply]
♪ serene music playing ♪
‐ I'll have what she's having.
‐ Fucking dork.
‐ You gotta make your life matter.
Tonight we become legends, Griffin.
...we become legends‐‐ become legends‐‐
[thinking] Gauntlet legends.
What I wouldn't do to be up on this wall.
‐ Thank you, Quan.
Quan. Quan.
[growling]
‐ [imitating Al Pacino] What're you lookin' at?
Hmm?
You're all a bunch of fuckin' assholes.
[scattered cheering]
'Cause you don't have the guts
to be what you wanna be.
You people just know how to hide,
how to lie.
But see, me, no,
I don't have no problems. I don't have those problems.
'Cause I always tell the truth.
Even when I lie.
So say goodnight to the bad guy!
Because you'll never
see a bad guy like me again!
[crowd murmuring]
[all cheering]
♪ rousing music playing ♪
♪
[groaning]
BOOMER: Team Best Friends have won the Gauntlet!
‐ We did it! We won!
[cheering continues]
[groaning]
I'll have what she's having!
[cheering]
♪ Andrew W. K.'s It's Time to Party playing ♪
‐ ♪ Hang out with yourself and have a crazy party ♪
♪ Hey you, let's party ♪
♪ Have a killer party and party! ♪
♪ Don't even try and deny it ♪
♪ 'Cause you're gonna have a party tonight ♪
♪ And you know we're gonna do it tonight ♪
FREEMAN VOICE: And with that, another Binge has come and gone.
Tough lessons, the kind only experience teaches, have been learned.
With a little diligence, this initiative can work.
It can strike fear, it can take lives,
but it can also save them.
So until next Binge,
stay alert, stay vigilant
and for heaven's sake, suck it down pipe.
[giggles]
GRIFFIN: Wow!
Lena, you look
so amazing. LENA: What?
I just woke up like this!
♪ romantic music playing ♪
‐ Do you want me to put this on? ‐ Yeah.
‐ I'm proud of you.
‐ I'm proud of you too, Dad.
‐ All right, get out of here. You two look great.
[Lena laughing]
‐ Thank you.
HAGS: Come on, Griffin! [horn tooting]
ANDREW: Griffin! ‐ All right, guys, this is our stop. This is our stop.
Everybody relax.
‐ You guys have fun! Watch your speed limit in that thing.
‐ Yes, sir. CARLSEN: Sarah, I love that hair.
It's crazy. Double bag it for me, Quan.
Andrew, nothing weird about you.
Kimmi... fantastic.
‐ Are we really riding this the whole way?
‐ This is the PromCycle. This thing fucks.
Let's go! Full speed ahead.
Time is wasting.
Come on, Lena. Put your, put your thighs in it.
LENA: I am!
♪
‐ Who paid for the Fantas?
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
[horns honking, people clamoring]
‐ ♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
‐ Future boo.
[siren chirps]
♪ Have some shrooms, then smoke some crack ♪
♪ Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack ♪
♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Cook some meth, how 'bout black tar ♪
♪ While giving hand jobs in the car ♪
♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Have some shrooms, smoke some crack ♪
♪ Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack ♪
♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters ♪
♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters when we ♪
♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters is we get ♪
♪ So fucking ♪
♪ High! ♪
♪ swelling instrumental music playing ♪
♪
GRIFFIN: ♪ He said let's Binge, Griffin, we'll have a rocking time ♪
♪ On the one night of the year when railing lines is not a crime ♪
HAGS: ♪ Soon he's off to college while I vanish from his brain ♪
♪ He'll be getting knowledge and remember me as lame ♪
GRIFFIN: ♪ We thought it'd be terrific to be substance abusers ♪
♪ But that was quite horrific, you made us look like losers ♪
HAGS: ♪ The best night ever turned out pretty rotten ♪
♪ Now when he's with new friends at Brown ♪
♪ I will be forgotten ♪
GRIFFIN: ♪ I hate you so much, Hags, you probably ruined my life ♪
♪ I almost asked Lena to prom and then to be my wife ♪
GRIFFIN/HAGS: ♪ What the fuck is happening?
My brain's completely fried ♪
♪ The night became unhinged, the thought just made me cringe ♪
♪ It's not how it should be on the Binge! ♪
ANDREW: ♪ All I ever wanted were some friends ♪
♪ Pals with me till the very end ♪
♪ How will I fix this now? I really don't know how ♪
♪ We tore off an eyebrow ♪
♪ And killed a lovely cow ♪
ALL: ♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Have some shrooms, then smoke some crack ♪
♪ Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack ♪
♪ We won't stop till all our brains are fucking fried ♪
♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters when we binge ♪
♪ Is we're gonna get high ♪
GRIFFIN: ♪ If only I was brave I could've asked her to the prom ♪
♪ I missed my opportunity and now my boner's gone ♪
♪ They ripped my fucking eyebrow off I'm stuck singing this ballad ♪
♪ While Lena's off with someone else I'm tossing my own salad ♪
LENA: ♪ This will be the best prom ever ♪
♪ That promposal was so damn clever ♪
♪ But not knowing who, I'm so glad it was you ♪
♪ And not someone like Griffin or Trevor ♪
♪ We'll live happily ever ♪
GRIFFIN: Nooo!
♪
HAGS: ♪ Sarah, my sweet, you're probably with some foreign guy ♪
♪ You thought it'd be a treat, maybe Swede, maybe Thai ♪
SARAH: ♪ Best night ever maybe a one night stand ♪
♪ Who will be my new endeavor? ♪
♪ Could be a woman or a man ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck, maybe both ♪
♪ A three‐way ought to float my boat ♪
♪ I'll try it all, see what's what ♪
♪ I'll even go 2 Girls 1 Cup ♪
♪ Maybe a horse, I don't care ♪ [horse neighs]
♪ Give me a Clydesdale, make it a pair ♪
KIMMI: ♪ Getting tired of little umbrellas I'd rather drink from a sexy fella ♪
♪ Andrew could do the trick ♪
♪ I bet he's got a danger dick ♪
ALL: ♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Have some shrooms, smoke some crack ♪
♪ Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack ♪
♪ We won't stop till all our brains are fucking fried ♪
♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters when we binge ♪
♪ Is we're gonna get high ♪
SEB: ♪ Hey, little brother, I thought you had given up ♪
♪ Quittin' from the shittin' on each other just wasn't enough ♪
♪ I got a Gauntlet to win so get out my way ♪
♪ I'm gonna beat the game, get my name on the wall of fame ♪
ANDREW: ♪ You're my brother, man, you're supposed to keep my shit on track ♪
♪ Instead you laughed while I collapsed from a burrito stack ♪
♪ Now the gloves are off the party has started ♪
♪ And when I finally take you down, that shit gonna feel so cathartic ♪
SEB: ♪ You can't beat me, bro, you got no worth ♪
♪ In case you forget who was on this Earth first ♪
♪ You can't unseat me or defeat me you got half my girth ♪
♪ Bitch, you nothing but an afterbirth ♪
ANDREW: ♪ Kick back, man, you're bunching your panties ♪
♪ You're just the shit that mom took before she had me ♪
♪ Now don't sweat the technique I'll hit you with another dick dart ♪
♪ And make you pee in three streams ♪
♪ Streams, streams ♪
CARLSEN: ♪ Griffin, Griffin, get in this car right now ♪
♪ Did you hear? Did you hear? You said you'd be my eyes and ears ♪
♪ Now your Binge‐ing got me cringing don't just sit there, start that engine ♪
♪
ALL: ♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Have some shrooms, then smoke some crack ♪
♪ Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack ♪
♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Cook some meth, how 'bout black tar ♪
♪ While giving hand jobs in the car ♪
♪ We're gonna get high, gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Have some shrooms, then smoke some crack ♪
♪ Chase the Dragon and shoot some smack ♪
♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters when we ♪
♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters is we get ♪
♪ So fucking ♪
♪ High ♪