He spent the carnival trying to win me one of those giant bears.
Spent all his money, has really bad aim.
All he ended up with was this consolation prize.
Then I thought to myself, maybe he's my consolation prize.
I'm moving to New York for college and dreams,
and he's playing Halo and contemplating a penis tattoo.
So I just said it.
"Maybe we should break up."
And I was expecting him to say, "No, I can't live without you, Lucy."
But instead, he said, "Maybe you're right."
And that was it.
Now all I have left of our love is this sad, second-place duck.
And all his worldly possessions.
Lucy, is this his retainer?
He used to take it out when we'd make out or have a snack.
My favorite memories.
He needs this. He has a shark mouth.
Don't listen to Amanda.
Your collecting is quirky and adorable. You're basically an anthropologist.
Correct, Nadine.
I live in a cave of souvenirs, like The Little Mermaid.
- Nothing wrong with being sentimental. - Sentimental?
It was sentimental when we were 12. This is full mental.
A bike tire?
Okay, this is active trash.
What the hell?
- A used condom? - It's not used. It's in the package.
Gross matches, old... A Monopoly thimble?
That's different.
That's not his.
I'm sorry, Luce.
Okay. Breakup tradition.
Let's wait outside of the liquor store for someone to buy us a box of wine.
- And then drink it through Twizzlers. - Yes!
- Let's go. - Let's go.
Wait, are these his car keys?
Vroom, vroom, bitch.
Lucy, we're leaving.
Lucy, let's go!
Lucy!
- Found it. - What's happening, Grey Gardens?
Guest list for the Meszaros opening at the gallery tonight.
If I lost this, Eva would have me skinned alive.
- Okay, she can't possibly be that scary. - She's terrifying.
Eva Woolf is the most influential gallerist in New York.
- As your lawyer, I'm saying, calm down. - Well, you're not a lawyer.
You're in law school.
Whatever. I can still defend myself when I murder Jeff.
- I love you. - Maybe one day,
our paths will cross again.
Look at that little baby model. She has no idea she's an endangered species.
Are you gonna marry Yulia and get her a green card?
Destiny has other plans for us. Maybe we'll meet in another life.
- Does she know that? Oh, God. - That I believe in reincarnation?
- Well, I saw that coming. - You know what else I love about Max?
Oh, please. We're waiting with bated breath.
Ignore her. She hates joy and confetti.
Nadine, I've said it five times. Confetti is trash that falls from the sky.
Max is a fully grown man. I went to his place in the West Village.
What?
And he cooked me dinner with ingredients he had in the fridge.
- He has a fridge? - What?
And you know what else he has? Coffee-table books.
So he has a trust fund.
I can't hear his roommates having sex through the walls because he has none.
You guys are using those noise-canceling headphones I got you, right?
They don't work. You are so loud.
- Sorry. - Just can't believe he chose little old me.
- That literally makes no sense. - Are you joking? You are a literal goddess.
Are you guys exclusive? Have you discussed?
There's no need. I'm satisfying him in all areas. What more could he want?
Don't be stupid.
The first time Jeff was ever inside me,
I told him I would castrate him if he ever spoke to another human woman.
Fine. I'll confirm tonight.
After I impress Eva, enjoy the open-bar spree,
it'll be the greatest night of my life.
That's what people say in horror movies before they get herpes and die.
I'm going to work now.
No.
Little souvenir. This was fun.
- Pay up. They're still together. - Oh, yeah.
Snacks for later. Come find it.
She seems so happy.
What...?
- Excuse me. Can you...? - Let me in.
What are you doing? Please, don't.
- Hi. For Lucy? - Why are you getting in? No.
Lyft. Adolfo in a silver Prius.
- I'm not-- - 7023 Decatur. Start the ride.
Really? Are you serious? This is a private car.
- You're everyone's private driver. Clever. - No, no, no.
That's Uber. Also not what I'm saying. Can you please get out of my car?
I selected "no talking."
- Listen, Adolfo, I-- - Adolfo?
- I would love to hear your story. - Okay.
It's just that I've had the worst night of my life, and I just wanna go home.
Where are you going?
7023 Decatur.
Do you have an aux cord? Or just put on Hot 97.
Anyway, how was your night? Can't be worse than mine.
Do you see this grown-man tie, Adolfo?
Well, this belonged to Max, and it's practically all I have left of our love
because tonight, he shook up my life to its very core.
It didn't start this way, Adolfo. Oh, no.
I was happy once. In love like a big, dumb idiot.
This is my favorite part.
Just before the show when all the art is hung.
It feels like we're getting the toy store ready for Christmas.
Cute. But Eva gets back today and we have a lot to do.
I love her so much, gives me diarrhea.
She discovered Cindy Sherman in a Laundromat.
Gave Basquiat his first solo show. I just wanna grow up to be her.
Thrilled that I pay you to socialize.
Max, we are meeting with Marlene Dumas this afternoon.
Word is, she split with Zwirner.
Strategy session, my office.
Close your mouth, person. It's unbecoming. Up, up, up.
Oh, wait. Excuse me, Mr. Sexpot Gallery Director?
Hot tip, Marlene Dumas? Focus on her riskier works.
I read that she prefers the paintings that embarrass her.
You are my favorite secret weapon.
God, you make me look good.
- Wait, he actually said those words? - He was paying me a compliment.
I'm sure the first rule of compliments is, don't reference yourself in a compliment.
- Don't interrupt. You're derailing my story. - Oh, sorry. I thought this was my car.
Well, as I was saying, we were very subtle at work.
- No one suspected a thing. - What's going on with you and Max?
Can I help you, Harvard?
I may not have feelings,
a love life of my own, or any friends, for that matter,
but I do have eyes.
Okay, you're loitering.
Junior year, I took a gender study class at Harvard...
There it is.
...about the social expectations in a woman's life,
and I think you're unconsciously subjugating yourself to prop him up.
- Classic overachiever. - She seems really smart.
So we had this art opening at the gallery tonight,
which is why I'm an absolute vision.
Thank you.
Again!
You might pace yourself. This is a work event.
Calm down, Judge Judy. I am just trying to have fun.
- Do they teach you that at Harvard? - Yeah. It's a general education course.
- Sounds really fun. - Wasn't meant to be fun, just educational.
Have you seen Max tonight?
Looks like Dr. Amelia is back from Paris.
What? What are you talking about?
Me? I don't know. I'm not fun.
Sorry I couldn't go to an Ivy. I couldn't afford to pretend to row crew.
Sue me. Sue me.
Max never uttered a word about any sexy doctors,
and Harvard's an energy vampire, so I didn't let her get to me.
- Hello... - Eva.
- You. - Hello, goddess, you, also.
I'm not one of those bitches that doesn't empower women.
- Well, that is... It's great to hear. - So you're up.
What?
Max is giving remarks. Get up there. Introduce him.
To be honest, I've had a few tequilas. I don't think--
I'm not your sorority sister. Just go.
So like any booze bag with a fear of public speaking, I had one more.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and those who do not subscribe
to traditional gender roles that are a product of patriarchal society.
Am I right?
Sorry.
I am here to introduce Max Vora, director of Woolf New York.
Max joined Woolf in 2014.
Where was I?
Told you so.
Fuck this. Okay.
Question for the group.
Speaking of the devil here, when did dating one person become uncool?
Because I don't understand.
Jane Austen, she didn't write about polyamory.
No, no, no. It was just Emma. It wasn't Emmas.
Oh, we are living in very muddy times. People are lying constantly.
- Oh, shit. - I know.
We only have 10 years before we all drown in the melting ice caps,
but I swear, the most sacred resource is not the ozone.
Oh, no. It's honesty.
- Excuse me. Hey. Lucy-- - Where is that? Oh, no, no, no, sir.
You stay back. I'm fine. Yep. That--
Are you...?
Lucy?
Lucy, I know. I know.
- I know. - Who is she?
It's Amelia. She's my ex. It's complicated.
Okay, Lucy, listen. You're a blast.
I don't even use that word, but it fits for you. You are so funny.
But we're in completely different places in our lives.
I'm 35 years old. I need to find that thing.
And that thing is not me?
This sucks.
Eva doesn't want you to come in tomorrow.
Right. That's nice of her.
Personal day would be good. I'm probably concussed.
Eva doesn't think you should come back...
ever.
I'm fired?
Honestly, I think you're better off without him.
Came to New York to have my own gallery.
I can't even hold down a job as a gallery assistant.
I'm doomed.
Hello?
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, Adolfo.
Yeah. No, I'll cancel.
Okay.
You're not Adolfo? Who are you?
My name is Nick.
What? Nick, you just drove me home? Are you insane?
What was the plan? You're just gonna...
What? Weaken me with paint fumes and then just knock me out with lumber?
- Leave me for dead? - I did you a favor. I, too, had a bad day.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's locked.
- No. No. - Oh, shit. This is the end!
- Can I say something? - Help! Help!
- Help, please! Oh, my God! - It's unlocked.
Okay. Good night. Thanks.
- She says, "I don't read books." - God, Nadine.
- Stop dating the pretty, illiterate ones. - But they make the best accessories.
Yeah, but a shared value system is the key to everlasting love.
I hate everyone, and I want them to die.
So does Jeff. That's why we've been together for six years.
Jeff never speaks. That's why you've been together.
No, but he comes alive when we make love.
Max broke up with me.
And I'm fired.
I can't believe it's over.
Is that a crab cake?
- It's gonna be okay. - No, it's not.
That--
Oh, yeah. It's gonna be so great.
I can't live like this. We're getting smell complaints.
Do you know that place where you feel nothingness?
No.
- Here. - My breasts?
No. Underneath your breasts. It's called your heart.
- Oh, my God. - This is where people keep their hearts.
Try and be sensitive.
Lucy.
You wanna try getting out of bed today?
- I'm busy. - Doing what?
This lady's teaching me to French braid my hair.
It's impossible. Save yourselves the anguish.
Have you just been masturbating and braiding your hair for three weeks?
- My vibrator will never break my heart. - Can we be sex positive?
No one is supposed to climax that much. Ask Jeff.
Is Jeff in here?
Jeff? Hey! What are you doing?
You can't have a good relationship because you're mourning the old one.
She's right. You live in the past.
Yeah. It's because the past is filled with memories and happy times.
How is someone your everything one minute and then they forget you the next?
Ask Nadine. She dumps bitches on the regular.
- This is not about me. - Nadine.
- Don't do that. - That's it.
Hey! No! Amanda, stop.
Stop it! Come on.
- No! - Please, don't. Please.
I need these things. Okay? Trust my process.
We are coming from a good place. We're worried about you.
- You sit shiva in this room. - Hovel.
Getting rid of things doesn't mean getting rid of the memories.
- Marie Kondo says-- - We do not speak of her in this house.
Okay, these things, they can't just end up in some landfill.
Do these things spark joy?
- Does this spark joy? - Yes. Clearly. A lot of joy.
- Seriously? - Yes.
At least get rid of the ex memorabilia. Give it back to them.
- What? I just call my exes out of the blue? - Yeah.
- The ex memorial goes today. - Fine.
Okay, a few things.
Not this.
Yeah, Luce, I don't-- I don't think that I can accept this.
Don't you have a box under your bed where you keep mementos from past relationships?
Yeah, I do. And I even have, like, a thing or two from us, but...
What?
Well, like, your collecting is...
It's creepy.
I couldn't be with someone who just needed to memorialize every second of every day.
And not to mention your room. I mean, whenever I would stay over...
it was like hooking up in a mausoleum.
- I'm sure that's on someone's bucket list. - I don't--
We broke up because of my stuff?
Not no.
I think we can take this, but most of this is crap.
Crap? What? You have a whole shelf of crap back there.
Those were my mother's.
Oh, so you get it. Right?
- No. Those are collectibles. This is crap. - This is ridiculous.
Literally, no one understands me, so I'm just gonna just be on my way.
Okay. Are we done?
No. No, we're not done. Can I have a job application?
Even after she ghosted me...
I still keep them.
It's contact lenses. It's pretty gross, actually.
Nick, Marcos.
- Bump up. - The usual?
- Yeah, make it a triple. - Shitty day?
Yeah. Eviction notice.
- I wouldn't say terrible. - We have 30 days to open.
Our entire livelihood is in danger.
I don't know how I'm gonna feed my pregnant wife,
but other than that, it's pretty good.
Welcome to the hospitality industry. Basically a slow death.
Are you Asian Gordon Ramsay? Why would you say that?
- Get out. - Fine, I will.
I have to explain to my pregnant wife that we're not gonna have money in two weeks.
- I'm gonna pay you. - I know you will.
- You complete me. - Goodbye.
- Bye. - Bye-bye, little Kimchi Taco.
- Goodbye. - Later.
Goodbye. Don't touch me. Where's the nearest bridge? Anybody?
You'll like it here. Yeah, the chef is supposed to be good.
It's okay. Just gonna have a conversation.
Yeah.
Okay.
You got this. Okay.
Thank you.
Excuse me. Can I help you?
Hey, girl. Cute dress. I'm just meeting a friend.
- What friend? - Those ones. Over there. That's my friend.
- Oh, shit. - That guy just saw you and ducked.
No, no, no. He just dropped his menu.
- I just gotta talk to him for five minutes. - I'm sorry. I can't let you do that.
Oh, hey, I know that guy. Adolfo-Nick. What's up, dude?
- Hey. - Yo. You know her?
- It's a long story. - Ma'am, I have to ask you to leave.
"Ma'am"? We're the same age. You can relax.
- You're carrying a garbage bag. - Yeah.
And you tell people where to sit for a living. And your dress is undone.
Unhandle me! What the...?
- I care for you so much. - Let go of me!
- Okay. You can let me go. - That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.
I had it under control until you interfered.
You magically show up everywhere. Are you my stalker?
I think the words you're looking for are "thank you."
And then I say, "You're welcome."
I'm Lucy.
Charmed, I'm sure.
You good, Lucy?
- Yeah, yeah. No, I'm okay. - Okay.
I'm just processing it. Wait. Wait.
Hey, hello. What?
You just manhandled me, and you're gonna just leave me alone on the street?
Hey! Hey! You hit her? You just hit her?
- No, no, no. - No.
I see what's going on. You just hit her.
- No. - Okay. That's cool, man!
- You hit a lady. That's nice. - No, no, no.
- I didn't hit her. - This is my fault.
This is not your fault.
Being a woman is like living in a goddamn nobody-believes-me movie every day, okay?
But today is not that day because we are gonna fight him.
- Come at me, homey. - I really--
- Come at me! - Oh, no.
- Oh, my God. Fuck! - You come at me!
This is all your fault.
I'm so sorry. We should get some ice on that.
Here's an idea: Why don't you leave me alone?
No. Only a terrible person would leave you alone in your time of need.
Yeah. And I think you are that terrible person.
No. I'm nice.
If you got to know me, you'd be obsessed with me.
Oh, great. Okay, the car was just pre-game. This is where you actually murder me.
- And yet you are still following me. - What? You're a squatter?
- I guess so. - Construction worker?
- Sometimes. - Are we playing 20 questions?
- If you must know-- - I must.
It's an old YMCA, and I'm turning it into a boutique hotel.
- What? You're serious? - Yes.
Welcome to the Chloe Hotel.
I'm building a place that feels like the spots I fell in love with
when I first moved to New York.
Those little places that only exist here.
But I've spent five years,
and, as you can see, every cent that I have, and it's all falling to shit.
So, what are you gonna do?
Looks like it's coming together. Is this gonna be the lobby?
Nothing gets by you.
What's gonna happen up there?
That's phase two. I can't afford to touch it right now.
- Still hurts? - Yeah. Just a bit.
- Wait. You're doing it wrong. Give it to me. - How am I doing it wrong?
Can't have ice touching the skin. You need a middleman.
Okay. Do you want whiskey?
Yes, please.
She really got you good, huh?
Yeah. She sure did.
Here. This will cure what ails you.
Wow, whiskey really is Mother Nature's painkiller, huh?
What have you got in here, Lucy?
Oh, my God.
An espresso machine?
- Don't go too deep. - And a sock.
- Cat in the Hat. - Okay.
- Yep. - Oh, my God. Are those toenail clippings?
You've seen quite enough, mister. Yeah.
- I'm gonna... - Oh, my God.
- Thanks for coming. - I get it. You're a pessimist.
That is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.
You collect these things in anticipation that your relationships are going to end.
- No. - It's crazy.
No, no, no. You're wrong. They're a celebration of memories.
- You're a hoarder. - I'm not a hoarder.
- Hoarder. Hoarder. - Take it back. I'm not a hoarder. Stop!
You want evidence that your relationships existed in the first place.
Are you afraid that you won't remember the guys you dated?
I don't need to explain myself to you.
How about you? You've never collected anything from a past relationship?
No. I'm a minimalist.
I can fit everything I own inside a backpack.
When the zombie apocalypse comes, I'm out.
Nice. You're one of those.
Yeah. One of...
- One of what? - You know.
"I'm a lone wolf. I don't need anybody."
But really you are just scared of showing your insides.
Yeah. Everyone either leaves, disappoints or dies.
Okay, Mr. Rogers. Can't wait for the new show: Uplift the Nation.
So funny. What are you gonna do with this stuff?
That's a good question.
When love crumbles, how do you preserve its ruins?
- Why don't you leave it here? - What? No.
- Come on. - No, I can't do that.
- Just let go. - No, no, no. It's okay.
- Sure. It'll be okay. - Okay.
This...
Oh, look. It's a nail. Perfectly placed.
Would you look at that?
Kind of looks cool.
It's like art in a gallery.
The Sad Gallery.
More like the Broken Heart Gallery.
Do you have a marker?
- What? - You have a marker, I just...
- No, I don't. - Come on. Please.
- I have a brilliant idea. - Why do you want it?
I'm feeling inspired. Let me express.
Think fast.
Nice.
Oh, sure. Draw on the wall.
Thank you for letting me express myself.
You're welcome.
Wait. What's the security like in this place?
Is there security?
You're worried that someone is gonna break into my unfinished hotel
and steal your ex-boyfriend's tie?
No. That won't happen, right?
- No, it wouldn't happen. - No.
No, you're right. I should leave it.
Yeah, I can leave this.
It'll be good. I'm... I'm gonna leave it.
No. I can't, actual-- No.
- What? You're looking at me. - I'm not. What?
- I'm sorry. This just got weird. - It's okay.
No, I'm-- I'm gonna go. But I will-- Bye.
- Bye. - He was my high school sweetheart.
He moved across the country, and we lost touch.
But smoked too much weed, wouldn't call you back. He would be a terrible husband.
I make my husband wear it when we ****.
Lucy? Babe?
Are you okay?
Maybe you could try to get a job?
My birthday week is coming up,
and I expect a really thoughtful and expensive gift.
- There's no birthday week. - Yes. It's the week of your birthday.
You're not a 16th-century monarch.
You can't command multiple days for your personal festivities.
Remember our Monopoly tournaments?
Well, I need a Get Out Of Jail Free card.
Anyway, last night, it was rough.
I wish I could talk to you about it.
Bye.
Lucy.
Nick?
Can I come in?
No. No, no, no. Lucy is dead.
How'd she die?
- Decapitated on a roller coaster. - That's a shame.
She had such a nice head.
And you are not wearing any pants.
Pants. No. Not wearing those.
Shoelaces in a bag?
Go ahead. Judge me.
No judgments.
- Wait. What are you doing here? - I wanna show you something. Come on.
- How did you get in here? - Your roommates let me in.
Those bitches.
Okay. So this map was just here when you showed up this morning?
- Yep. - Who could have left it?
I know a construction worker, a delivery guy,
one of your multiple personalities?
This is amazing.
There are broken people out there like me, people who need to let go and move on.
Good. Well, you can take the stuff and move on.
There's nowhere else like this. I wish someone had done this for me.
The Broken Heart Gallery could be a community service.
No. This is my hotel.
It is not some sort of Lost and Found for hoarder stalkers.
- Again, not a hoarder. - Hoarder.
No. We've been through this.
Oh, wow, this is the shrine to exes you were talking about?
I didn't say-- I--
- It's a direct quote. - I didn't say that.
Lucy, this is my friend Marcos.
Hey. Oh, my God. We're friends now?
That would explain why I'm building a bar top for you for free.
- Can you not--? Don't listen to him. - Friendship. Servitude.
I am the godfather to his unborn child.
No, he's lobbying for the position of godfather.
Plot twist: It's not going well. If I had to guess, you know?
Would you want this man to be your spiritual guide?
No. Maybe my TV guide.
- Am I right? - Terrible dad joke.
I like her. Let's get to work.
- Okay. - Nice to meet you.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I can help. I...
I can help with the hotel in exchange for gallery space.
- No. - No, I can help.
I can-- I can paint. I can saw. I can lift and lay tile, grout.
- Is that--? That's a thing. - Yeah.
It's not gonna happen.
That sounds like free labor, and, Nick, you love free labor, don't you?
You do. Come on.
- Come on. - You don't have a plan for the balcony yet.
I did say I had a plan for the balcony. I said it was phase two.
Sorry, balconies are really important.
- He gets it. - They're essential.
- What is going on? - Two people agreeing.
- Maybe eternal friendship. I don't know. - We're bonding. We're friends?
We should take it step by step, but sure.
- Okay. - It's a good start.
- I hate both of you. - Is that a yes?
- No. No. - Hell, yes.
Of course. We could use the help. You start tomorrow, 7 in the morning.
Get us the coffee, right? You know, gotta pay the piper.
We do love oat milk. You can get almond milk if you don't have it.
Soy milk, whatever. Have fun with it. But nothing with actual dairy.
He gets really sensitive in his tummy.
- Okay. All right. Let's... - He has IBS, it's embarrassing.
- IBS is a real thing. - Stop it.
- Tell me more about his tummy. - This is not happening. There is no tummy.
Goodbye.
- Dude. What? No. - We have 30 days. We need help.
This is Morris.
My husband and I got him together.
My husband left.
Morris took it pretty hard.
Yeah, he died immediately.
Let me get this straight. You are collecting other people's junk in addition to your own?
Oh, shut up, Jeff. I should text Max about this.
- He likes to be up to date with galleries. - No.
- Don't do that. - You're right. I'll slide in the DMs.
- That's more chill. - You need to get a grip.
He is dating a doctor with the face of an angel.
You're a monster.
Thank you. Okay, you need some sexual Listerine.
Jeff agrees.
What about that new guy, Nick?
Last time I slept with someone I worked with, it ended very badly.
Oh, my God. That is so true, Jeff. That does sound like progress.
Thank you.
Why don't you invite your "friend" Nick to my birthday?
I came up with a new theme, murder karaoke.
It combines my favorite things, murder and karaoke.
- A heavenly combo. - A perfect combination.
You guys.
I am in love.
Her name is Irina, and she's got tiny baby bones like a baby chick,
and I just wanna build a nest for her and chew her food for her and feed her.
Jesus, I give it two weeks.
Do I detect cynicism from the great believer of love?
She's right. You've banged more Russian models than a tech billionaire.
- If you were a guy, we would hate you. - Yeah.
- I don't need this. - Yes, you do.
- No, I don't. No, I don't. Okay. - Yes, you do. Eat the pasta.
Hey, Nick, I...
- I can't work anymore this week, dude. - Why?
Your homeboy's been commissioned to build a new table for that hotel in Fort Green.
Really? That place is so cheesy.
Oh, my God. How dare I take their money when you don't like their mason jars.
Look, man, I know...
I know things are tough, but I have a meeting at the bank on Friday,
and I will get you your money.
- You are first on my list. - Oh, there's a list?
Can I see the list, or...?
- It's a theoretical list. Nick... - It's gonna happen.
- Come on. - I can't keep doing this, man.
I got a family. All right? I have responsibilities. I'm sorry.
Don't shut off on me. I--
Show me those blushy cheeks.
Oh, my God. I just feel so warm inside when I see them. Show me--
I'm fine, man. Please, just go, okay?
All right.
Good morning, building buds! Who's ready to work?
Because I am. Check me out.
Look at this belt, a practical belt for tools.
- Here is your coffee, Marky Mark. - All right, Lucy Liu.
- And then, for you, I got the special milks. - Thank you.
- Dude. - Sorry.
Her Majesty looks a little upset this morning, so tread lightly.
Oh, no. We need to talk about our feelings? Because the CFO has arrived.
Chief Feelings Officer is here.
- Let's hold hands. Okay, bring it in, guys. - God. Dad jokes. Okay, I'm out.
- See you, dude. - Bye.
- Who is that? - Yeah, you're in the right place.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Are you here for the Broken Heart Gallery? - Yeah. Is this that heartbreak thing?
Yeah. You're in the right place. Welcome. I'm Lucy, head curator.
Yeah. Willhelmina.
So how's this whole thing work?
I don't know. How does this whole thing work?
Well, why don't you we start by you telling me what you brought and why?
Yeah. Well, met my ex, Gina, while I was actually--
Oh, wait. Pause.
Do you mind if I record this?
- Just, you know, for our socials. - Yeah. Sure.
Take a step back against this.
- Right. Here? - Ooh, that is perfect.
And go.
I was in the hospital.
I was recovering from a pretty nasty skydiving accident.
She was my nurse and had a body cast covered all my tats,
so Gina, she drew these ones on for me.
When I could walk, I asked her to marry me.
But then she changed her mind three weeks later.
- No. - Damn, Gina.
Anyway, time passed,
but this just sat in the corner of my bedroom, taunting me.
- How long have you held on to it for? - Six-- Five years. Five years.
Feels good to admit that, you know? Then I heard about this place, so...
And how exactly did you hear about this place?
- My masseuse's Instagram. - And how did your masseuse hear about it?
Don't listen to him. Are you ready to hand it over?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready. - Okay.
It has an odor.
Okay.
- You did it. - I did it.
How does it feel?
This is the first time in, like, five years that I feel a little lighter.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's amazing. Thank you.
If you ever wanna see this again, you can visit any time.
- It'll be in my care, right here. - Okay.
Or, perhaps, at another location.
No, definitely at this location. Don't worry about him.
- Who is he? - Just one last thing.
We just ask for a small donation.
- Just to keep the gallery going. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There you go. It's only 5 bucks. It's all I have.
- Perfect. - All right.
Thank you so much.
We're in business, baby.
And Bonus Jonas, I'm making you clams.
I'm going to take this.
Thing about breakups is,
someone can ruin your life just by disappearing, you know?
And then you hang on to the hope that they'll barrel through your door
full of believable explanations as to why they didn't actually ghost you,
or lose your number, or just stop loving you.
So what my ex left was a jar of organic Choconut.
So, heartbroken, I would spoon it little by little
while listening to Michael Bolton's "When I'm Back On My Feet Again."
It's rancid now.
Kind of like my ex-girlfriend's soul. I hate you. Just kidding.
I hope you die.
How do you get over someone?
You just press some button on your body and morph into a cyborg?
Just keep going. Don't look back, don't dwell on anything.
Okay, so you just bottle everything up
until you implode in a fiery act of self-destruction?
No. I manage my expectations.
Marcos took another job.
Our interior designer quit last week, but I'm fine.
I'm not upset. Why?
Because I saw it coming a mile away and I managed my expectations.
Okay, so you don't ask anything of anyone, which is why you're not asking me right now.
- Asking you what? - I'll be your interior designer.
- Come on! - Good God.
Designer is just a fancy word for curator. Or it's the other way around.
I don't know, but regardless, there's cool stuff all around us.
You just need someone to help you look for it.
Okay, but cool stuff means expensive, and I'm pretty much broke.
The key to collecting is seeing value where others usually don't.
You know, one lady's trash is another lady's treasure.
Kind of like relationships.
And where might one find these treasures?
Well, it is moving day.
First day of the month, leases start and end,
so New Yorkers are leaving pure gold out on these streets.
She's cute, she's charming, she's calling my name.
- She looks like rats live inside of her. - Then she's habitable.
Lucy, it's 40 blocks to the Chloe. We are-- We're not walking.
Welcome to the nonviolent firearms show.
Oh, my God.
How do I seem to find myself in this predicament?
I'm tired. Can we take a break?
Absolutely not. This was your idea.
Fine, but can you distract me? Tell me your life story.
- My life story? - Yeah.
But my life hasn't even happened yet.
Don't you ever think about what you're gonna tell your biographer?
- Is that something you think about? - All the time. It'll begin as such:
"It all started on a sticky August afternoon."
Oh, my God. Lucy, stop. Stop it.
Okay. Your life story. Go.
- Really? - Yes.
My parents really never settled down. We moved a ton.
That must have been hard.
Think it make-- Made me independent.
So where would you go on holidays?
Grandma's house.
Tell me more about G-Ma.
Well, she lived in this little place called Kenosha, which is in Wisconsin.
She looked like a Keebler elf.
My grandma loved two things, football and boxing.
- She chewed tobacco till she was 90. - Nice.
And I always thought she was this sweet old grandma,
but it turns out she was a bookie her entire life.
- Okay, Grandma. - I know. What a badass!
After she died, they found a wad of cash under her mattress.
And she left it for me.
- So that's what you used to start the Chloe. - Yeah.
And then you named it after her? That's such a sweet tribute.
- I didn't actually-- - Ice cream!
Hey!
You know, we still haven't been to the coolest little shop in Brooklyn.
Only real insiders know about it.
And what about you? Why New York?
I followed a man.
Did the man know you were following him?
He did when I snuck into his apartment, impaled him with an ice pick
and feasted on his remains.
Frightening.
But what's the real reason?
Well, growing up, my mom was an art history professor at Bard.
So it was winter like 90 months of the year.
So every weekend, she'd take me to the Hessel Museum.
And she taught me that art tells stories about people, places,
movements, moments in time.
The coolest thing about my mom is, she really sees art...
in everything.
Like, anywhere.
What city has more art than New York?
You know, I think this project is really having a positive impact on me.
I woke up this morning, my pillow was totally dry.
And then feel my bag. It's so light.
I am growing too. I have not called you a hoarder today.
Typical man.
Proud of himself for something that isn't an achievement.
Okay. Good talk. I'm gonna go get a coffee.
Do you want anything?
No, I quit coffee. Only water or booze for this temple.
I'm Paleo.
- I'm not sure that's what Paleo means. - No, no. It has to do with nuts.
- Okay. I'm gonna go. - Okay.
- Hi there. - Hi.
I'm here for the 72-inch television.
You guys are like the last book shop on earth, huh?
We're the real deal. It was my grandfather's.
Oh, okay. Well, I was about to say something that--
It wouldn't have gone well. Anyway, thank you so much.
- Have a great day. - All right.
- Oh, hey! Your case. - I got it. I know him.
Excuse me. Do you mind?
Move! Oh, my God! Move.
Excuse me. Do you have a moment for Planned Parenthood? Okay.
Excuse me. Do you have a moment for Planned Parenthood?
- Yes. - Thanks.
I gotta go.
Do you have a moment for Planned Parenthood?
Oh, you don't care about reproductive rights?
It's a first edition.
- No. - Yeah.
Lucy!
Max!
Hi! Oh, my God.
This is so random.
Hi.
- French. - Oh, sorry.
I just got back from Paris, so still in there.
- Right. - This is Amelia.
You saw her the night that...
Are you okay? I'm a doctor, so...
Me? Me? Me good. Me... I'm great.
Because last time... You know.
Right. That night. Oh, my God.
That was such a fun night.
I was just really living my truth and, like, enjoying myself.
I'm in my mid-20s.
You know, I barely even wash my face.
And sometimes I moisturize, if I feel fancy.
But I just have the collagen ready to go. I'm 26, so...
Lucy! Hi.
There you are.
Got the flat white for you.
- I... - Yeah. I'm her assistant, Nick.
- Hey. I'm Max. - Hi.
This one really knows how to treat her staff, you know?
- Staff? - She didn't tell you?
Lucy started her own gallery.
Yeah. Big deal. I mean, it's still underground, but it's gonna be...
It's gonna blow up. Big. Big time. Blowing. Lots of blowing up.
That's...
That's exceptional.
Where is it? I'd love to come visit.
And we would also love you to come visit sometime,
but we are late for that meeting with that--
- Meeting. Larry. - Larry! Larry.
Gagosian?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
He's like a... How did you describe him? Like a...
Oh, he's like a post-modern teddy bear.
- Just the sweetest guy. - Yeah.
You know?
- Oh, yeah. - Never met him.
- We have to-- - Yeah, he hates it when we're late.
- We should really run. - He does.
- But great to see you. - Nice to meet you.
Gagosian? Okay.
Shit.
He's just moved on. It's...
Why is it so hard for me and so easy for him?
- Am I that forgettable? - Are you kidding me? Max aches for you.
He said so himself. You're the wild card, the fun, the sparkle.
- You think so? - I... He thinks so.
- Yes. - Right.
- Come on. Let's go in here. - Okay.
Do you think Max and the doctor have moved in together?
No. No, Max likes his personal space, so...
She probably has an amazing but crazy skin care routine.
What if he likes it?
Wait, where are we?
Great, is this the third attempt at murder?
Can we get it over and done with, please? Just put me out of my misery.
Hey, Yan. Do your thing.
- What? - I'll never tire of that reaction.
- Yan. - Hey, man. How's the hotel going?
Excellent.
Don't listen to her. She's a glass-half-full kind of gal.
You're right, yeah. It's better to be a brooding cynic.
Can you please go get my sign?
So he just makes anything in neon?
Yeah, including a blinking sign over your head
that says "Keep Back 200 Feet."
Check this out. It's gonna look great hanging in the lobby of the Chloe.
It's Latin for "Into the middle of things." It's what the hotel stands for.
It's a place where people will meet and intersect in our story.
The Chloe will always be a place they stopped along the way.
See? I have feelings.
Remember when I drove my car into a parked school bus?
Well, I'm not the mess you once knew.
I have my shit together.
Promise.
- Hey. Who was that? - No one.
Oh, hello, fancy pants. Where are you off to?
Well, we are going to the bank.
I have that meeting, and I am terrified.
This is it. Make or break, right?
- I'm coming along to play the race card. - I think it'll be very effective.
- Thank you. - Look on the bright side.
The gallery is bringing in a bunch of revenue.
No. I'm cautiously optimistic in a very negative way.
- I've lost all hope. - But we should probably--
Wait, wait. Before you go, take a seat.
- I want you to listen to this. - We're--
No, come on. It'll just take a minute. It'll be good for you.
I need to share.
"Dwayne and I met on New Year's Eve.
We stole this bottle of champagne
and resolved to drink it together the next year.
But Dwayne got sick and next year never came.
Lately, I've found myself drinking alone,
but this is the one bottle I can't bring myself to open."
Nope. Nope!
- Nick, are you crying? - Why--?
No. Why would I...? What?
Why wouldn't you cry? Dwayne is dead, dude.
They're about to drink a bottle together and now he's a ghost.
He didn't ghost him. He's an actual ghost. Why would you do that to us?
We said we're about to blackmail a man into giving us money.
I don't know. Crying's my favorite activity.
- It's true. She's very good at it. - Thank you.
Last weekend we got together, and we just re-enacted scenes from The Notebook.
- I wrote you every day. - Every day?
- I wrote you every day! - I never stopped thinking--
As much as I admire this budding friendship, we have to go because we are running late.
Sure.
- Upper hands. Okay. - Marcos, let's go.
- You got this. Good luck. - I'm okay.
April, 2006. Maxwell Desmond's bar mitzvah.
So I show up and I do my best move for him.
He was just kidding.
He actually had gotten an over-the-pants handy
from Jenny Gluck that night.
So I've kept this yarmulke as a reminder that men can hurt you.
"You're not a hoarder."
"Thank you for saying that. I do really appreciate that."
"You hair looks great." "Yours does."
"Thanking you--"
Hi. Gallery donation?
- Is Nick here? - No.
Just me. Us.
Cool.
Do you want me to tell him you stopped by? Leave a message?
No.
Okay.
See you later.
"She kind of seemed like a bitch."
"Stop. You can't say that. Go.
No.
No! Think about what you said."
That was sweet but psycho. Next up, we got Ben.
"I Wanna Know What Love Is."
Hi, thank you, guys, so much for coming to my-- Jeff.
For coming to my birthday.
I know this is a really important day for all of us,
and, you know, as I was reflecting on my last 27 years,
I was kind of thinking ahead to my death.
- What is happening? - Eyes up.
And I was thinking that at my funeral, I wanna be taxidermied
and I want a photo booth so people can come and take photos of me.
And I'll have wine and hats and different things.
- What do you guys think of that? - Inspired!
- Happy birthday, Amanda! - Happy birthday, Amanda.
- How's it going? - Hi!
- I picked up your dead man cake... - Oh, my God, thank you.
...that you asked a stranger to get for you.
This is my wife Randy and that's my baby inside of her.
Oh, my God, tell us everything about being pregnant.
Pretty terrible so far.
Well, the making of it was fun, the creating it.
I'll shut up.
I wanna murder your face!
I love you!
I wanna push you down the stairs, I love you so much.
Do you ever worry about Jeff's safety?
Oh, he's a dead man, but it is the rule of friendship
you can't really testify against your friends, so I know nothing.
- Totally. - Hey, I have something to show you.
- We're in New York Magazine, baby! - Oh, my God. What?
- I know. It's... - Shit.
- This is amazing news. - Can't wait until Max sees this.
- I have moved from denial to anger. - What do you mean?
Oh, the five stages of grief. I am angry at Max and I want revenge.
And I'm not talking about squirting lube all over his good suits.
Is that something that you've done?
We open the gallery with a Broken Hearts ball.
Gatsby style. Call every influencer in New York.
Honestly, I'd love to say yes, Lucy, but I haven't heard if I got the loan.
It's not looking good. I'm really worried.
- But if I get it... - We can do it?
We can do it.
- Yes! - I don't know when.
All right, next up we got Lucy and Nick singing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."
I don't really-- Lucy, I don't sing.
We haven't spoken about this, but I have a really shocking singing voice.
Karaoke's not about talent. It's about commitment. Everyone knows that.
Yeah, but I'll make a fool of myself.
That is one of life's greatest pleasures. I should know.
- Do we have Lucy? Do we have Nick? - Yep, coming up.
I'm sober. I'm dead sober.
- Thought you might say that. - Here's some shots.
- Okay, no, this is very-- We actually-- - No, no, no, that's perfect. Thank you.
- What's your excuse now, huh? - Nothing.
- We got this, Nick. No, Nick! - I'm gonna go.
I like this song.
Oh, damn.
I love you!
- Am I on the right rhythm? - Oh, that's good.
Nick, everyone!
Does everyone remember that it's my birthday?
- How sad are you gonna be when I die? - Terrified of life without you.
Unless there's kids involved and it will probably fill up that void.
But you'll be missed.
- You can't marry within a year. - I won't. Who would I marry?
- Which one of my friends would you marry? - Amanda.
Just kidding. It's not like I've thought about it before.
- I think that's a good fit. - Right?
I approve of that.
- You guys talking about death again? - It's our foreplay.
Do it now.
Yes, ma'am.
You're cute When you beep-beep-beep, how do you--?
- It's not a joke, that's okay. - That wasn't a truck--
- Can't compare me to a truck. - It wasn't a truck, but it was like...
It was a truck backing up.
- So let me ask you something. - Sure.
- You're spending every day with her, right? - Yes.
Dude, I haven't seen you this happy since... Don't make me say her name.
Okay, can we not talk about this, please, Marcos?
You are a straight, white dude in America.
If your only thing is that you don't wanna fall in love, like--
- Can you please--? - Cry me a river.
- Marcos, can we please not do this? - We are.
We are in the conversation you don't wanna be in.
And I'm saying it-- No, I'm saying goodbye. Okay?
Oh, my God. You guys, I--
I'm getting too skinny. I'm wasting away right now.
I think it's really important that we go get tacos, like--
I want a taco and I wanna sleep in a taco.
- I wanna drive a taco. - Let's go.
But wait, where is Nick? Did he...?
Oh, he drove Marcos and Randy home.
Why do you keep talking about Nick? You should put your penis in his vagina.
- Oh, I should put my penis in his vagina? - Yeah.
- I wanna get a taco first, then you can-- - Okay.
- Penis, penis, penis. - Okay.
- Tacos first. - Tacos, tacos, tacos.
Where did Jeff go?
Oh, he's waiting in bed for me in his mask.
That's-- Oh, God.
- I know you love it, you're into that. - It's too much.
Okay.
Remember me?
Hey, Max.
- What are you doing here? - Just hoping we could talk.
Okay.
Go on.
I don't really know where to start.
I guess...
How about "I'm sorry for causing the worst breakup in the world's history"?
Or "I'm sorry for using you like a stepping stone for my career
like Sigourney Weaver in Working Girl"?
Or "I'm sorry for treating you like my own personal sanitary napkin
that I bled onto heavily in the heaviest part of my period."
You know that second day of your period where you're gushing blood?
- I've heard of it. - That's what you did.
And you didn't even have the courtesy
to wrap it in toilet paper when you threw it away.
- Sorry. - You belong in jail for what you've done.
- We're gonna put a hex on you. - Yeah, we're bloody witches.
Ladies, that's enough.
Where are your effing socks?
- That's a good question. - This is weird for us now, so...
- Great friends. - Yep.
They brought out some excellent points.
I'm so sorry.
I don't think I can live without you.
- What about Amelia? - Amelia.
Come on. Amelia? We broke up.
I haven't stopped thinking about you since I ran into you
and then I read about you in New York Magazine.
I was wrong about you, Lucy.
I wanna be with you.
I don't know.
Hey.
- Hey. - What's this guy doing here?
Why is your assistant talking to me like that?
I'm not her assistant, guy.
Why are you bringing her a cake at 3 a.m., guy?
- Because I can. - Guys.
It's okay.
I was dropping this off.
Custom single-layered cake.
- You brought me Amanda's cake? - Yeah.
Well, you know, Marcos paid for it, and...
I don't know, he really likes you, so I thought I'd...
Marcos likes me.
Right.
Yeah.
We were kind of in the middle of something.
I'm gonna go.
Hey.
How about it? Let's have a drink.
I mean, you've seen it so many times, but Harvard's in the corner, she's cowering.
- Oh, my God. - I'm like, "This is crazy."
- I really miss the Woolf Gallery. - You do?
Yeah, of course. It was my dream job.
It was run by a woman so ahead of her time,
she gave space and a voice to artists no one deigned to care about or listen to.
See, I never even knew you felt that way.
You never asked.
You never really asked me about myself, ever.
- I know I made a detour-- - A detour? That's what we're calling that?
Your GPS just didn't work the day you cheated on me, or what's...?
It wasn't a detour, it was a big mistake.
Please give me another chance?
And you're serious about this?
Would you close your eyes?
- Okay. - Can you put your hands out?
- Okay, open them. - Wait.
What? How did you get this?
I took it.
Our love story's not over.
You broke into the gallery?
Wow, we really need to work on the security situation.
Just have dinner with me, please?
I'm actually-- I have a lot of late night commitments, so...
I figured you'd say that, so I thought about: "What about breakfast?"
Oh, yeah, no, I'm not a morning person, so that won't work.
There is a meal somewhere in the middle.
- Do you know what it's called? - Fine. Lunch.
But no booze, except for rosé. But that's just pink water.
Hey! I picked up some vintage rackets. Thought they might look cool in here, right?
Is everything okay?
I didn't get the loan.
So this is it.
Oh, shit. I'm... I'm so sorry, Nick.
This really sucks.
But, hey, we can figure something out.
- This is just a setback. - It's not a setback.
This is real life, Lucy.
You know, we can't all live in your fantasy land of magical thinking.
I can't just go into a closet, wish really hard, and it will all work out.
That's not how life works.
That's what you think of me?
If the Chloe closes, the gallery closes too. We're in this together.
No, we're not. Okay?
I let myself get distracted, but not anymore,
so take your stuff and get out of here.
So that's it?
Yeah. That's it.
Okay.
Yeah, you can just shut me out, but I made a commitment to every person
that walked through that door with their heart on their sleeve.
I am not giving up.
And you shouldn't either.
If you'll just meet with me,
I can show you the Broken Heart Gallery takes a whole new approach to art.
We're trending on Twitter. We have 50,000 followers.
Everyone is damaged. Have you ever been heartbroken? Hello?
Hello?
Oh, my God. He hung up on me.
That was the last one.
I've tried every gallery in the greater tristate area.
You haven't tried everyone.
Oh, right, yeah.
I'm sure Eva just misses watching me eat my own ass in front of her eyes.
Her and her friends, just:
You never know unless you try.
No. Eva, she gave me a second chance. She's not about to give me a third.
Well, what if a handsome man,
with a cute, cute butt, put in a good word for you
and all you have to do is pick up the phone and see what happens?
- Really? - Maybe.
Cliffhanger.
You're erratic, irresponsible, and, quite frankly, a liability.
It's young people like you who reaffirm my choice not to procreate.
The last time I saw you was like listening to Brad Pitt talk about architecture.
- It just went on and on and on. - Right.
And on and on and on.
It was utterly relentless.
Please give me a chance.
The Broken Heart Gallery, it's changed my life.
Clearly, otherwise, you wouldn't be here groveling.
Oh, well, I think groveling is a strong term.
This is the definition of groveling.
I've learned a few things in my day.
Never look at your body naked under a fluorescent light.
It's only okay to bounce a check once. After that, it's a thing you're known for.
And when you see talent, grab it.
I'd like to include the Broken Heart Gallery
as an exhibit here at the Woolf in one week.
Show your collection alongside mine.
What?
Did I drop acid and this is my ego death?
No, no. It's a huge opportunity.
Don't worry, I'm gonna be here to guide you every step of the way.
Oh, that won't be necessary. Thank you.
Oh, my God. Thank you so, so much.
I mean, I don't even know what to say.
What do you say when Michael Fassbender invites you to lie naked by his pool?
I do have one condition.
I have been working so hard for this.
This is literally a lifelong dream come true.
Well, let me be the first to say "congratulations" and "you're welcome."
Come on, let's go celebrate.
- Sorry, I'm late. I got caught up-- - Cool, cool, cool. I don't care.
- Teach me how to break up with someone. - What?
Just walk me through your dumping process.
We don't call it that. It sounds harsh. Wait, why are we doing this?
Because I just-- I need to let Max go. Once and for all.
Good.
Teach me. I'm your vessel.
Most stories are stories of... betrayal.
But ours is a story of hope.
Hope that what we shared will guide you... home.
Yeah.
- Come closer. - Okay.
Thank you...
for being my home.
- Oh, my God. - I know.
- Oh, my God! - I know!
Okay, but I'm definitely not doing that.
Hey. Is it time for dinner?
I just wanna know. What happened with Amelia?
You know what happened. That's over.
Just be honest with me.
I really thought I was gonna marry her.
And she wasn't ready.
And she moved to Paris.
And then she came back right when she sensed you could be happy,
which is always how that happens.
So you kept hurting me because she kept hurting you.
- I didn't mean to hurt you. - No, of course not.
You're the hero of your love story and the villain in mine.
We're just not meant to be together.
I'm gonna go.
Paris, it's an amazing place, and...
We were staying at La Bristol, which is incredibly fancy.
It's a little overrated, if you ask me.
I drew a bath, and I wanted her to get in it with me.
Personally, I hate baths. They're a warm, wet place to overthink.
So she left to get a pastry for... five hours.
I bummed a cigarette off of Olivier.
I sat in the tub, shriveling.
So, naturally, I realized I had to move to Paris.
I kept the bath water.
Oh, sweet Jesus, he was gorgeous.
I drank a little.
So, in conclusion, I've made hoarding chic.
You'd be proud. A triumph for pack rats everywhere.
Who are you talking to?
No one.
You are always making these weird, sneaky phone calls
and leaving messages for someone.
Are you here to talk about my phone bill? Or are you here to apologize?
I'm sorry.
Option B. Excellent choice.
You were the first person I wanted to tell.
Miraculously, a private lender backed me and I got the loan.
- What? - I did it, I got it.
You got--? That's amazing! You're not the only one with good news.
Eva Woolf wants to make the Broken Heart Gallery
a reality by sponsoring it at the Woolf.
No way.
And despite you being a dick monster,
since the hotel is gonna be saved,
I wanna keep the exhibit at the Chloe.
I'm really happy for you, Lucy.
You deserve it.
I'm sorry. I've never had a guy be happy for my success before.
It's kind of weird, but-- No, it's good.
Wait. How are we gonna pull it off in time?
Please. I've been waiting my whole life to pull this off.
Anastasia, Irina, Valeria, Yulia...
I need to make it right with the Russians or Putin is gonna have me poisoned.
We did it.
We did.
We're good together you and me. A monster and a human.
A what and a who?
Well, humans need monsters to stir things up,
and monsters need humans to fix everything they break.
It's just simple science.
Do you think, in life, you ever get to feel successful?
Or is it just an illusion,
like, at any given moment, it could be taken away from you
because it was never yours to begin with?
I think everyone feels that way.
No one tells you that being an adult is just walking around, feeling like a fraud.
You know?
Like, who gave me a credit card?
And how do I cancel my gym membership? It's...
What does Congress even do?
But you do know what Congress does, right?
Yeah.
Do you have any plans tomorrow?
What do you wanna do?
Well, you know those sneaky phone calls I've been making?
I wanna introduce you to someone.
I'm in.
Good morning, boys. Brought your lotto tickets.
And I got a good feeling about this one.
Remember the deal: We're gonna split this even. Okay?
We got a witness, so...
Hey, Joe.
I brought your spicy snacks, but don't tattle on me like last time, okay?
That's my guy.
Hey, Cheryl.
Hi.
Who's the dime?
Nick, this is Cheryl.
Nice to meet you.
This little slice isn't your girlfriend, is she?
No. I'm as single as a dollar bill.
Want a cocktail? I'm buying.
Sure. I mean, it's 5:00 somewhere, right? Huh, Cheryl?
- Can I sit here? - Yeah, sit down, take a load off.
Look at you.
Want to play a board game?
Monopoly.
My all-time favorite.
Me too.
I used to play almost every night with my daughter...
Lucy.
I'm sorry, I didn't...
Yeah. Yeah, so if you could just stop flirting with my mother, that'd be great.
Her mother. I am far too young.
Look at this body. It's as tight as a Mormon teenager.
- Mom! - What?
Are you jealous?
You know, a wise woman once told me jealousy is unbecoming.
Oh, really?
You said that.
I love piano players.
- Is he your boyfriend? - No.
- Well, you can't marry him. - No. No, I would never.
I'm going to.
- Is that so? - Yeah.
Well, I'll be maid of honor, then.
Okay.
I love this song.
We used to listen to this when I cooked dinner.
"Cooked" is a very strong word for what you used to do with food.
Come and dance with me.
Thank you.
Thank you for taking me today.
Thank you for being there.
It's usually hard,
but today was really nice.
Do you want to have a drink with me?
Yeah.
We're not gonna drink down here.
We're going to a bar?
Can you come with me?
Okay.
I've never been in here.
I wanna show you something.
Shut up with that secret trapdoor.
Just follow me. Come on.
Watch your head.
What is this? Hipster Narnia?
You just made this secret, sexy bar on your own?
Well, I have many hidden talents.
Oh, how about you just casually tickling the ivories back there?
Way to bury the lede, Piano Man.
Which one?
Here's to finishing what we started.
To finishing what we started.
Well...
So...
I just saw you naked.
That is how sex works.
Right.
But we're...
We're friends.
What if we're more than friends?
How do we find out?
You know, I've honestly been sitting here,
just racking my brain through ways to figure it out.
And I only seem to have come up with one solution.
What's that?
I think we gotta do it again.
Yeah, me too.
Meet me at the neon store at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
I have another surprise for you.
A surprise?
Count monster in.
So now that you and Nick are...
Is that what you think heterosexual sex looks like?
Makes me nervous just thinking about it, but now that you guys are, you know,
what have you collected from him?
A safety net because she rescued him.
Well, we're partners. Partners help each other.
- And visit each other's moms. - That's very serious.
Oh, and by the way, my mom fully hit on him.
Cheryl is a legend.
- Oh, yes. Cheryl. - Get it, Cheryl.
Lucy.
- How much I owe you? - No, no, no. These are on me.
It's the least I could do.
Your gallery has helped me so much.
After Dwayne died, I was lost.
One minute we were laughing, stealing that bottle of champagne.
And the next...
I kept everything that he owned.
The thought of letting go meant facing reality and I just couldn't, so...
Again, you really helped.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- So I'll see you at the gallery opening? - Yes. Most definitely.
And I'm gonna bring a date.
Nice.
Look at you, Oprah, healing the masses.
I think what Amanda is trying to say is, you're very inspiring.
- You should have your own TED Talk. - No, I'm trying to say she's Dolly Parton.
We had eight blissful years together.
He was really focused on work, but...
That's what I loved about him.
His passion, his intellect.
This is how I like to remember him.
I mean, isn't he beautiful?
Nick?
So if you just wanna come through...
Lucy.
Hi.
I...
This is my...
I'm Chloe.
Lucy. Wait. Stop, okay?
Chloe? As in the Chloe Hotel?
- You told me it was for your grandma. - No, I didn't. You assumed.
Like you always do.
You never corrected me.
- You built this for her? - No.
- Are you with her? - No. If you just give me a second
- to explain it to you-- - Explain what?
You mocked me for keeping Max's tie and you built a hotel in her honor?
That's not fair. You started a gallery for Max.
No. No. You don't get to do that.
I showed you exactly who I am. From the very beginning.
I introduced you to my mom.
And now you've lied to me? I feel like-- I don't-- I don't even know you.
I wanted to tell you, okay? I just didn't know when or how.
It's not easy for me to open up like it is for you.
No, it's not easy for anyone, Nick.
The best part about being selfish is, you get to do it alone.
This is clearly a bad time. I'm gonna go.
No. Your name is on the door. You stay.
I'll go.
Hey. I guess she slipped this under the door one night when I was working late.
I didn't find it, you know, until two years after we broke up.
- Tonya's out of my life. - Obviously.
I had to dump her ass, you know? Like N'Sync. Like "Bye, Bye, Bye."
- Hey, guys! - Okay, I don't--
Is Lucy home?
She's on the roof? Great. Thanks.
Just so you know, if a gorgeous woman just pushed you off the roof,
and she, you know-- She was wearing a blue, really, like, beautiful jumpsuit.
And you fell to the ground and you just died instantly.
And your lifeless body was just kind of sitting there.
- And then this other girl... - Who's also gorgeous.
- Gorgeous. - Who's a stay-at-home model.
Stay-at-home model in a purple top.
If she was just driving this monster truck and she just kept running over your face.
Just over and over and over and over.
Yeah. And, like, you were completely not recognizable anymore.
We would say it was an accident. Yeah. And we have two alibis and a Jeff.
And I know from law school, that's a really strong case.
Ironclad.
Cool.
Okay. Goodbye. Nice to--
Jeff. Great.
Listen, I wanted to tell you that...
What?
The Broken Hearts Ball is your night, and I just wanted you to know that...
I'm gonna steer clear of the hotel, okay?
The Chloe Hotel?
For what it's worth, I was only showing her around.
I named the hotel after her a long time ago, and it got too late and too expensive...
to change it.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Many artists have fallen in love with me.
I didn't see you there. But, yes, I know about all your lovers.
That's a very strange thing to say. Very odd.
I have something for your installation.
I married a man who was jealous about everything.
If I was enthusiastic about a book, about a place,
about a flower, about a human being...
jealous.
There's nothing inside.
I left him. I sold the ring.
I started the Woolf Gallery,
and I vowed to represent artists who made me feel enthusiastic.
I never looked back.
Did you regret marrying him?
Never.
I wouldn't be me if our paths hadn't crossed.
I also wouldn't be me if I hadn't let go.
Pain, my dear, is inevitable.
It's what you do with it that matters.
- Hey, what's up? - Hey. How you doing?
What are you doing?
- Oh, hello! Thank you. - I've never seen her do that before.
That's weird.
I don't really know what I'm doing here.
I don't know. I've never been broken up with.
I don't know what it is about this room,
but there's something about it that's so much less...
"Hoardery"?
Doesn't look like a homeless woman just lives here in her free time.
You know what? I should throw you guys out in the trash.
Marie Kondo your asses. How about that?
- Is Nick coming tonight? - Yeah. Inquiring minds wanna know.
Don't know, don't care. It's my night. I'm just doing me.
- Fine. Later. - No, now.
- You always say later and you never pay. - I always pay.
- You owe me so much-- - Pay? Wait, what? What is going on here?
- What secrets do you hold? - Nothing.
Nadine?
We bet that you and Nick would get back together.
I said no. I won, obviously. I always win.
- You what? - We bet on all your relationships.
How do you think I afford this lifestyle?
- Wait. How much have you bet over the years? - Like...
- Pennies. - Barely anything.
No, tell me right now. You tell me. You...
Seven hundred and ninety-eight dollars, 34 cents.
Now? You choose to speak now? Oh, we're getting a divorce.
We were never married.
Well, hurry up and ask me so I can fricking divorce you already!
- Will you marry me? - Get out!
That's why I think possums are pretty much the coolest animal in the entire world.
But if you're gonna have possums in there, meerkats need to be in the conversation.
They can stand up on hind legs like this, looking around everywhere.
They also can run on four legs. Feed them bugs if they were your pet.
They run around in the desert.
Don't touch that jerky. It's too close to the bug spray.
- So you're really not coming? - I don't know, man.
Don't feel well and I'm worried about the hotel opening and...
I think I'm coming down with a fever. So, yeah.
Do you mind feeling my forehead?
- It's really hot, right? - You're fine.
That's what I thought.
We have to go. I didn't put heels on to show up late.
Real comforting. You guys are gonna be great parents.
A sick man disgusts me. You need to explain to him what's going on.
No, I don't. He's a moron. Look at him.
Like you're so evolved?
- All men are morons. We let you run things. - Not the humanity speech.
You ruined the planet, started wars, killed the bees. You raped and pillaged.
And if you opened your eyes to what was going on in the world,
you'd never stop crying.
I feel I had nothing to do with that, but I will take it.
As far as men go? He's way stupider than I am.
You do realize I'm standing right here and I can hear you?
Yeah, well, I pointed at you.
Listen up. You're not sick. You need to tell him what's going on.
- No, I don't. - I will be outside.
- Can you please come back? - We're not going to be late!
All right.
- Nick, you're not sick, buddy. - Oh, I feel very ill.
- Right. You're heartbroken, bro. - No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are. - No, I'm not.
- Where do you think the money came from? - I don't know. Where did--? What?
- The loan that saved your ass. - Yes?
- The hotel you named after another woman? - What about it?
Remember that mysterious private lender, Nick?
Lucy convinced Eva Woolf to float you the money, man.
She saved your ass. It's like she's your knight in shining armor
and you're the stupidest princess I have ever met.
No. You know what? I'm not a stupid princess. Take these.
I didn't mean it literally. Don't take offense.
Oh, so I'll just pay for this--?
I can't believe you did this with your crazy.
My crazy is beautiful.
Crazy beautiful.
I mean, team spirit or-- What? I don't know. Where's Jeff?
I hate him. I love him. I mean, I hate him. What are you doing to me?
How's this?
- My body's not rejecting it. - No?
No, that's too much. Don't.
Hello, hoarders and art freaks.
Welcome to the Broken Heart Gallery.
Yes! Yes.
This gallery does not have hundred-thousand-dollar paintings
or precious sculptures.
It has... crap. A lot of it.
But these are the things we keep,
the souvenirs that tell the stories of our lives,
even if that is a half-eaten crab cake.
- Hey, I need that order. - I thought you canceled it.
- Yeah. Can you un-cancel it? - Yeah.
I began collecting
because I lost someone a long time ago.
Her body is still here, but her memory is gone.
So, in many ways, she is gone too.
My mother was my first heartbreak.
I was afraid I would end up like her, that I would forget and be forgotten.
So I clung to things, which kept me from moving forward.
Heartbreak is the loneliest, most isolating feeling in the world.
And the truth is, it happens to us all.
It is the great equalizer.
And without heartbreak, I wouldn't have built this place.
So, I guess, in the end, the thing that broke me...
also made me whole.
Lucy! Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry.
Okay.
Lucy.
So I'd like to direct your attention to some of the installations...
Lucy!
Well, this is awkward.
Nick! What are you doing?
What does it look like? It's... It's a grand gesture.
This is kind of a bad time.
If you just wanna wait patiently, quietly, until I'm done--
No. No, I can't do that.
The map was mine.
- Wait. What? - The map.
I put the map in here. I know I said he...
It's kind of random. I don't know. I was just trying to throw you off.
I met Chloe working at a hotel. And she was...
I fell in love with her.
And then she left me for my boss.
And I was devastated.
And I promised myself that I would never let anyone make me feel that way again.
And then I met you.
And so I put the map on the wall because I wanted to see you again.
Could have just asked me to dinner or something.
- Yeah. In hindsight. - Next time.
Probably. Good thing, you know?
But love makes you do crazy, stupid, irrational things, and--
And I guess what I'm trying to say, Lucy, is I love you.
Try it again. Try it again.
I love you, Lucy.
Yeah, I heard you. Gonna get back to my speech now.
Maybe I should just...
- You should stay. - Sort of awkward that you're not...
Oh, my God.
Love him back! Right?
- Yeah, I think you should love him back. - You should love him back.
I know that was sweet, but you don't know what the context is, so...
- Love him back. - Love him back!
- Love him back! Love him back! - Oh, we're chanting? We're chanting now.
- Love him back! Love him back! - Whoa, okay. Okay, this is--
Love him back! Love him back!
Okay, enough! Be quiet.
Just... Excuse me. Thank you, excuse me.
Hi.
I'm a lump of coal. I feel nothing.
I changed the name of the hotel.
It's no big deal.
Okay, if I didn't do this, they would all turn on me, so this is for them.
You're the only person I didn't collect anything from.
Why's that?
Because I love you too.
Okay, okay.
Okay. Hi. Okay...
This is the bottle from the first whiskey we shared together.
And this is the pen Lucy used to defile my hotel,
and this is the hotel room key from when Lucy and I first started connecting--
What are you doing?
I'm doing the thing about the stuff, you know, that the other people did.
I'm sorry. She has no manners.
Okay, that's cute, but you don't need this
because we're never breaking up.
Not even in a zombie apocalypse.
I'm sorry, he's such a hoarder.
We don't use that term. It's derogatory.
No, taught you so well.