[male weatherman] Good morning, Chicago.
The big question for Santa
is can he handle the Chicago weather.
[man] What do I want for Christmas?
how about a winning team?
Any Chicago team.
[woman 1] You've already put your wish in for Santa, right?
[woman 2] I sure have. I wrote a list, I checked it twice.
[male reporter] Blackhawk fans around the world,
fans everywhere have had...
[woman 3] And I love this time of year.
[adult Jake] We gotta hustle, Annie.
-Come on. Let's go, go, go! -[phone chimes]
That's my friends trying to reach me, isn't it?
You know, if I had my own phone...
Um, there's no quit in you, and it's inspiring. Still a hard no.
Okay, let's say I'm in a burning building.
No. A burning pet store.
No. A burning orphanage,
and I need to make a phone call.
-You'd feel so terrible. -[phone chimes]
Lives are at stake!
You're not getting a phone, Annie. I'm sorry.
I get more calls on your phone than you do.
That's not true.
My friends have to text you just to talk to me.
It's embarrassing.
I'm not embarrassing. Maeve's dad is embarrassing.
Whoa! [grunts]
Ow!
Still? The ice?
-[Santa] I told them to salt it. -[adult Jake] Ow.
-[Annie] You were saying? -[phone ringing]
[groaning] One second.
Jake Doyle.
It's for you.
[adult Jake] Fifty-eight minutes to Grandpa and Grandma's. With traffic.
Boom!
Hey, you wanna shoot pucks in the driveway later?
No, thanks.
Why not? I thought you liked it. It's kind of our thing.
I don't like hockey anymore.
Oh, okay, well...
maybe we can build a snowman with Mom and your brother?
Dad.
We could...
Hey, hold up, hold up, hold up.
Listen, kiddo, I'm sorry about the phone. It's not gonna happen.
I hate to see you disappointed.
Look, I know that this year is a little bit different,
but you can still have a good Christmas.
What about you?
I always have a good Christmas.
[adult Jake] Hello?
Mom?
Must be out running errands.
[adult Jake] Katie? Charlie?
[Annie] I'm bored.
Why couldn't we visit Aunt Lizzy in Australia instead?
Those flights are crazy expensive.
[Annie] Well...
what am I supposed to do here?
I...
[adult Jake] Come on, come on.
Ta-da!
-What is that? -That's my Nintendo from when I was a kid.
[Annie] Hmm. It looks like Tupperware.
Tupperware?
Come on, let's play.
Can I text Maeve from your phone after?
Can you...
Yes, but can I show you how this works first, please?
-[Annie] Yeah. -Thank you.
Oh, first you have to do this. [blows]
Why?
I don't know, just how it works.
-[blowing] -Nice. Maybe dust?
[laughs]
I thought you said Grandma and Grandpa
didn't let you have video games when you were little.
They didn't.
Then how'd you get it?
When I was a kid, I wanted a Nintendo worse than you want a phone.
That's not possible.
You know what? Today is your lucky day.
Because I am now going to tell you the story about how I got my Nintendo.
But it is possibly the most amazing, dangerous,
awesome story of all time.
So... can you handle it?
Is it dangerous because I might die from boredom?
That's a good point.
The year was 1987. Or was it '88?
No. '85, Bears.
-Super Bowl was in '86... -Okay, does it really matter, Dad?
Okay, okay.
The year was the late '80s.
We'll call it December.
I was 11 years old.
In the winter, if the streets were plowed,
I could make it to Timmy Keane's house in just under eight minutes.
[Annie] On a bike? How fast were you going?
[adult Jake] Super fast.
[Annie] Did you wear a helmet?
[adult Jake] Yeah, of course.
We always wore helmets in the '80s.
Was it green?
Um, yeah. It was green.
[adult Jake] Could I just tell the story?
-[Annie] Yeah. -[adult Jake] Thanks.
[panting]
[children chanting] Nintendo! Nintendo! Nintendo!
Nintendo! Nintendo!
[adult Jake] The rule at Keane's was simple.
The first ten kids to get through his door got to play Nintendo.
You know how you meet some people,
and you have no idea that they have a lot of money?
Yeah. Timmy Keane was the opposite of that.
A known psycho,
he had the tendency to lose his mind on a regular basis.
-[umpire] You're out! -You! You! You!
Stupid!
Idiot Grandma!
[adult Jake] It was an early lesson in God's cruelty...
giving the only Nintendo in town to a rich kid like Timmy Keane.
And every kid at Mary Todd Lincoln Elementary was at his mercy...
including my best friends.
Oh, another Saturday in the trenches.
[inhales]
[adult Jake] Mikey Trotter.
Tough, tenacious. Was allowed to watch R-rated movies, and it showed.
I wanna set land mines in this yard.
Like in Platoon, blow everyone up.
Sounds dangerous.
[adult Jake] Evan Olsen.
Nervous, allergic to bees and SpaghettiOs.
Probably has to go home soon.
I probably gotta go home soon.
More Nintendo for us.
[adult Jake] Tammy Hodges.
Smart, confident, baseball card genius
and future CEO of Hodges Industries.
My Canseco rookie went up two bucks!
Yeah, that used to be my Canseco.
[adult Jake] Teddy Hodges.
Tammy's twin brother.
Future assistant to the CEO of Hodges Industries.
Hey, guys. What's up?
[adult Jake] Oh, yeah, and this kid.
Sorry I'm late. I was on the phone with Bon Jovi.
[adult Jake] Jeff Farmer.
Pathological liar.
Not really our friend, but always around.
And you left school early yesterday
because Tom Cruise needed you to stunt double for him?
He knows I too have a need for speed.
So, you didn't have diarrhea?
It was both. Tom Cruise and diarrhea.
The two are not mutually exclusive.
Shut up. He's coming out.
[children chanting] Nintendo! Nintendo!
[children screaming]
Nintendo!
-Nintendo! -Silence!
[adult Jake] 8:00 a.m.
Game time.
Any of you huddled masses care for some Nintendo?
[all] Yeah!
Pick me! Pick me!
You. You. You.
You're good.
Yes! I got in!
[Mikey] We're in!
I love this place.
-[Mikey] Whoa! -[Tammy] Awesome.
[adult Jake] And there she was, glistening in all her gray plastic glory,
a maze of rubber wiring and electronic intelligence so advanced
it was deemed not a video game,
but an 8-bit entertainment system.
Say hello to my little friend.
Hey, boots off!
There's tape over there if you have holes in your socks.
Don't touch the wall! It's French.
-Wait, my brother's still outside. -[Teddy] Let me in!
[Timmy] You know the rules.
First ten, that's it.
But it's Teddy.
[mocking] "But it's Teddy."
[Teddy] Jerk!
Too bad, so sad.
[adult Jake] There was no denying he was a jerk.
There was also no denying he had the coolest basement
in the entire Central Time Zone.
A pool table, shuffle board, pinball machine,
pop machine, movie-style popcorn-maker.
[Timmy] Hey, no sucking on the soda pop.
[adult Jake] And a snack drawer better stocked
than most supermarkets in the greater Chicago area.
You guys hungry? You want some Pop-Tarts or something?
-Yeah. That'd be great. -[Jake] Sure.
-[beeping] -Mom.
Mom!
-Mom, wake up! -[Mrs. Keane] What?
Get me a Pop-Tart!
[Mrs. Keane] Uh, how many?
-Just one. -[Mrs. Keane] Does anybody--
[sighing]
[yaps]
Winner stays.
Die, die!
You're dead. You're dead.
You're dead. [laughs]
Hey, you guys wanna play?
Psych! Boom!
I can do this all day.
[adult Jake] As I sat there and watched Timmy Keane
blast away an inch from the screen to his evil heart's content,
one thing became clear.
I needed to get my own Nintendo.
Fast.
[festive music playing]
[Kathy] Oh, gee!
Y-O-U-R is possessive.
[adult Jake] For weeks, I'd been plotting
how to get my parents to say "yes" to a Nintendo for Christmas.
[Kathy] "Scout" is misspelled.
[adult Jake] Tonight was the night I'd finally put my plan into action.
-[Kathy] "Atticus" is misspelled. -[Jake] Mom.
Uh, hey, Mom.
I'm so sorry, Mom,
but I got some ketchup on my sweatshirt.
Oh, gosh. All right, let's get that out before it sets in.
You know, we bought that sweatshirt two sizes too big.
-I know. -It's gotta last you another year.
I don't know. Wow! Jesus!
[adult Jake] My mom was always multi-tasking.
She thrived on the chaos.
Two things at once, she was golden.
But if you gave her a third task to juggle, things got dicey,
and you could get her to agree to stuff she wouldn't normally agree to.
Hey, so, Mom, I was thinking, for Christmas...
A kid who thinks. How refreshing.
Maybe you could teach my students that.
Sure?
But just to make Christmas shopping
a little easier for me this year...
how about getting me a Nintendo?
Sure. That sounds great.
[adult Jake] Mom gauntlet passed.
[John] God bless it!
Is everything all right in there?
Has anyone seen my SKIL saw?
I think it's in the shower.
No, that's my jigsaw. I need my SKIL saw.
John, the SKIL saw is underneath the jigsaw.
You have to look harder.
-Those are for the Muellers. -[stammers]
[adult Jake] Of the 6,000 Christmas cookies
my mom had baked over the years,
no one in my family had ever actually eaten one.
Hey, the milk is expired.
No. That's a suggestion. It's fine.
Jake! Where...
-Oh. -What?
Come on in here and help me.
[adult Jake] Normally, helping my dad with whatever half-baked renovation
he was doing would be the last thing I wanted to do,
but tonight, I was a man on a mission.
I'll be right in, Dad.
[Kathy] Wow, look at that.
He finally wore you down.
[adult Jake] My dad was something of a dyslexic Bob Vila.
It was well-known up and down Linwood Avenue that in 1978
my father went to install a kitchen cabinet and had not stopped since.
[Kathy] Please wear your safety glasses this time.
[Annie] Did you wear the safety glasses?
[adult Jake] Absolutely.
Really?
Kind of.
All right, you can take that off now.
-[Jake] What? -[John] Take it off.
Oh.
We'll look for the glasses later.
It's really more of a suggestion.
[Jake] Wow.
How'd you get your hands so strong?
I've been working with them for over 30 years, that's how.
-That's so cool. -Yeah?
Maybe you guys could get me something for Christmas
that builds up my hand strength, so I could help you out better.
You know, I like the sound of that.
Like a Nintendo?
Yeah.
Done. [chuckles]
All right. Let's go clean up. Come on.
[Annie] You did it, Dad!
They said yes.
I was on cloud nine.
So the story's over, right?
Cool. Can I text Maeve now?
Uh-uh.
[Kathy] John, that cup is disgusting.
This is the exact cup I was drinking out of when...
When they beat the North Stars
-in the Conference semis in '85. -Fine. Yep.
It's a beautiful memory and a gross cup.
Totally.
Stop saying "totally." You sound like a moron.
[John] And what's your retainer doing out of your mouth?
But we're eating.
Do you know how expensive that thing is? Put it back in.
John, he really can't eat with it in. It doesn't work that way.
Well, it won't work at all if he loses it.
I mean, orthodontistry is the biggest racket.
I could make one of those. Easy.
Couple of paper clips, mouth guard... [whistles] Done.
I'd like you to finish the living room and the dining room
before you start work on their retainers.
If I had a retainer, I'd wear it all the time, no matter what.
I know you would, honey. You're such a sweetheart.
Hey, you haven't seen my air compressor, have you?
It's in the backyard,
right next to all the dog poop that Jake didn't pick up.
Hey.
You haven't picked that up yet?
Cry in a bucket, Jake.
What have you been doing all day?
I was in Timmy Keane's basement.
What, you can't play outside?
It's cold.
It's not even below zero out.
What've you been doing inside all day?
Probably playing the Mimtendo?
"Nintendo."
That's what I just said. "Intendo," John.
You know, I ran into Mrs. Trotter at the Jewel today.
Apparently, video games have been doing
all kinds of strange things to children in Japan.
Like what?
They get so involved, they completely forget about everything else.
School, friends.
One little boy had a brain aneurysm
and stuff oozed out of his nose.
I'm very glad that we do not have one. [chuckles]
But you said I could get one for Christmas.
I said nothing of the sort.
Video games make you fat, Jake. It's a fact.
Cabbage Patch Kids don't make you fat.
[Jake] No, no, no.
Dad, you said I could have one, too.
No, I didn't. Well, okay, I did.
But I thought that it was an Asian tool brand, like Makita.
You know what? You should be playing outside.
Evan Olsen almost got frostbite from playing outside.
He almost lost his pinkie toe.
The Olsens are weak stock.
No Nintendo in my house.
I second that.
Me three, and that makes a majority.
Looks like a no-go on the 'Tendo.
[laughs]
She's funny, John.
[John] Best kid ever.
[adult Jake] And just like that, it was gone.
I was never getting my own Nintendo.
My life was over.
Jake. Jake.
Come on. You gotta focus, man.
[Evan] His parents said he couldn't get a Nintendo last night.
When my parents said no, I was so mad,
I started calling them by their first names.
Okay, well, channel that anger into taking down Jagorski.
[grunting]
[Josh] Yeah!
Yeah!
Let's go!
[growling]
[adult Jake] Every day before school, we would gather,
for reasons unknown, to get pummeled by Jagorski
in the game King of the Mountain.
[all screaming]
My mountain! Mine!
[adult Jake] It was never quite certain what grade Josh "King of the Mountain" Jagorski
was actually enrolled in,
as the vast majority of his time
was spent in such foreign districts as the principal's office,
and the adult beverage refrigerator case at the gas station.
[growling]
[Josh] Bye and bye.
Yeah! Come on!
He smells like my dad after he practices guitar in the garage.
Who wants a piece
of this delicious strawberry cake?
This is it. Let's go!
-Why now? -Do we have to?
Come on!
Come here!
[screaming]
Let's go! Let's go! Go, go, go!
Come on!
[Mikey] Oh, no!
Yeah!
Come on.
How about a nice face wash, Doyle?
[screams]
Yeah!
[Jake] I hate that guy!
Me too.
Just think about the Power Glove, man.
What? What Power Glove?
Yo, you didn't tell him?
-I thought you told him. -[Mikey] No.
The Power Glove. Keane got one last night.
No way!
-Yes, way. -[Jake] For real.
-[Jake] Awesome! -Look, he's already practicing.
[Tammy] Nice!
[Timmy] Psych!
We're all going over to his house after school to play it.
He's gonna let us in?
We gotta bribe him with gifts, but yeah.
Who else knows?
Just us.
Well...
and Farmer.
Great. Farmer knows. Secret's safe.
[children chanting] Power Glove! Power Glove!
I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear to God.
All right, fine. Maybe Meg Platt, Steve Dybsky,
my second-period gym class, Coach Wallach, but that's it.
Come on, Farmer. Now we're never gonna get in.
I have a Power Glove at my house.
My uncle works at the cardboard company--
You don't have one, Farmer.
No, I do not.
I don't think anybody in Chicago has one yet besides Keane.
He's coming out!
[children chanting] Power Glove! Power Glove! Power Glove!
This is so dumb.
Just do it.
[children chanting] Power Glove! Power Glove! Power Glove!
[boom box playing]
♪ I'm holding out for a hero Till the end of the night ♪
♪ He's gotta be strong And he's gotta be fast ♪
♪ And he's gotta be fresh From the fight ♪
-[mouthing] -♪ I need a hero ♪
[all cheering]
Yeah, Keane, yeah!
[adult Jake] It was the most beautiful piece of machinery
I'd ever laid eyes on.
The thing made Luke Skywalker's robot hand look like a Tinker toy.
Silence, children of Batavia.
And Coach.
What have you brought me?
[all] Me! Me! Me!
I got a goldfish! I got a goldfish!
Untraceable cash money!
You're not getting in with that, dude.
It's a summer sausage. It's gourmet.
It's the best I could find.
[boy] Gimme! Gimme!
One!
Two! Three!
Hey, I got my dad's Sports Illustrated.
Yeah. Four. Yeah.
NASA moon rocks?
Moon rocks? No.
Summer sausage!
-It's my dad's. It's gourmet. -No.
[Connor] I got a goldfish, Keane! You want it?
-But it's a good pet. It's a fish. -[Timmy] No.
Good girl, good girl.
[dog growling]
Fetch! Go!
[Timmy] Settle down, peons.
-Gentlemen. -[clears throat]
Gentlemen and the Hodges girl.
Behold the Power Glove...
in all of its...
power.
Timmy Keane, dream journal.
I had the dream about Tammy Hodges again.
She was on a white horse, I was on a beach.
-I don't know what that means. -Turn it off!
-[Mrs. Keane] Timmy, do you have your jammies on? -[Timmy] Mom, get out of here!
[Mrs. Keane] Okay.
-No one heard that. Understand? -Yeah.
[exhaling]
Behold...
the power of the Power Glove.
[Timmy] You ready, Hodges?
Not everyone can use these things, by the way.
You have to be specially trained in Taekwondo
which is like karate, but just more expensive.
[Jake] What a tool.
[adult Jake] Oh, man. This was it.
The Power Glove. At last.
Each one of us in that basement knew we were about to witness history.
Feel the Glove.
Felt like an Isotoner.
This is how you really punch with power.
-[Timmy] Come on. -[all] Oh!
-[Mikey] Go, Tammy! -[Teddy] Go, Tammy, get him, get him!
Boom! You can give up now.
Nah. I think I'll win instead.
[Mikey] Yeah, Tammy!
Get him, Tammy! Get him!
[all] Whoa!
Come on!
Work!
[adult Jake] We thought he was just making excuses, being a sore loser.
But we'd later realized a horror that defined our generation.
The Power Glove sucked.
This glove sucks!
Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
Come on, unleash your power!
[Jake] Yeah, yeah!
It's not working! Come on!
[man in game] Silence him!
[all cheering] Yeah!
Mommy, Tammy cheated!
Sucks to lose... to a girl.
-[all] Ooh! -[screams]
[adult Jake] Maybe it was the glove.
You tell 'em, Keane!
[adult Jake] Maybe it was the song.
Chop, chop, chop!
Hai karate, Keane!
[adult Jake] Maybe it was because he was just such an idiot.
But Timmy Keane lost his dang mind that day.
Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo!
[all] Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo!
[screams]
[kids screaming in horror]
[all gasp]
[Mrs. Keane over intercom] Does anybody want some Tang?
I just made a batch.
[adult Jake] A marble stuck in a nostril...
shattering Mom's antique vase.
Picnics in the fricking park compared to this.
For there, lying under the weight
of a smashed 42-inch television set...
was a dead dog.
What?
The dog dies?
There's a dead dog in this story?
Hey, what can I tell ya? It was the '80s.
Stuff got real.
I thought you said you were super safe in the '80s?
It was a complicated decade.
Are you making all this up?
No. No. No way.
Okay, well...
what happened next in the basement?
I mean, I don't really care. But...
What did you do?
We did what any rational, thoughtful, responsible kids
would've done in our position.
[all exclaiming] Run!
[Evan] Why is everyone running?
[Tammy] Go, go, go!
-[Evan] What's happening? -We gotta get outta here!
[Evan] What's going on? What's going on?
-The sound of all those bones breaking... -What do you mean, "bones"?
It's game over at Keane's! Just go! Go! Go! Go!
Go!
[yells indistinctly]
[adult Jake] It was the end-o of Nintendo at Keane's as we knew it.
So many thoughts raced through my head.
Would I be arrested? Would I go to jail?
Or worse, would I ever play Nintendo again?
It's gonna be snow, snow, snow.
[Lizzy] Snow!
[weatherman] We have a northwest clipper coming off
-of the south side of Lake Michigan. -Yes!
God bless it.
[weatherman] And at Christmas time that's just perfect.
Can't read Jenny Jablecki's handwriting on this, Mom.
[Kathy] If there is a heart over the "I"...
mark it wrong and move on.
Are we gonna have a snow day today?
I don't want anyone here getting their hopes up.
It's probably not gonna happen.
I don't want anyone getting upset, okay?
[adult Jake] In the history of Batavia, Illinois,
there had never been a snow day.
Not a single one.
It could be 20 below with a Soviet attack on the way
-and we'd still have school. -[reporter] We just got this in.
In Kane County, the school closures are as follows...
-[Lizzy] Come on! -[reporter] Geneva,
-Come on! -[reporter] Elburn...
-[Jake] Come on! -[reporter] South Elgin,
[reporter] North Aurora, and...that's it.
-Stupid! -Oh, no!
Mary of God!
I told you guys not to get your hopes up.
-[Jake] You okay, Mom? -[Kathy] All right. You have to eat something.
-Here. -This is frozen.
Yes, put it under your armpits for two minutes, it'll thaw out.
Guys, coats, gloves. What are we doing?
Jake, don't forget your boots.
Yeah. Don't forget your boots, Jake.
-[Lizzy laughs] -[sighs]
[adult Jake] My mother, in a multi-tasking, cold, coupon-induced bout of madness,
had accidentally bought me girl's boots.
Back then, they were a death sentence.
I should note, they were also flowered and French.
What do you mean, "girl's boots"?
Like they only fit girl's feet?
No, they were just purple.
So?
Back then, people were more close-minded about fashion.
And everything else.
Ooh, pretty.
Did you know that Esprit is French for "cool"?
-Really? -No.
Just go ahead, I'll catch up.
What if someone kidnaps me?
They'll return you in, like, five minutes.
You shouldn't be doing that.
Wait a second and shut up.
You said a swear.
I got a lot on my mind, Lizzy.
I got a lot on my mind too.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go.
[sneezes]
[Mrs. Hugo] It's called the Dewey Decimal System.
Right. This is a life skill, people, like cursive.
When you're an adult, and you wanna look something up really quickly,
you're gonna be very happy that you learned this today. Okay.
All you're gonna have to do is go to the library.
Get your coats and boots on, head on over...
We talked to Keane. The dog's not dead.
The dog's not dead?
No, it just broke three legs and a few ribs. It's on life support.
It's gonna make a full recovery though. Right?
I wouldn't count on it.
That TV landed on her like a house on a witch.
But eventually it'll be like nothing happened.
Physically, maybe. But mentally, she'll never be the same.
You're lucky you didn't see it, Olsen. You would have thrown up.
I only throw up from SpaghettiOs. It's a medical condition.
He's really the Shackleton of the librarians.
-And I'm not the only one who thinks that, by the way. -[snoring]
Wait, so does this mean Nintendo's back on?
-It gets a little more specific. -No.
Keane's dad took it away. It's really over.
[Jeff] Did you guys hear?
The Loyal Ranger Scouts are giving out a Nintendo this year.
Whoever sells the most wreaths in the wreath-selling contest gets one.
-No way. -Yes, way. A sixth-grader told me.
The same sixth-grader who told you that there were tryouts
for the A-Team? Yeah, right.
Nope. That was a lie. This one's real.
We're gonna need some solid proof, Farmer.
-Jake Doyle. -Huh?
Do you have something that you'd like to share with the rest of the class?
Uh, no.
Don't think I haven't been watching you, Jake.
You're the only one in here with wet shoes.
Now, you know the rules. No boots, no recess.
-But... -I expect to see you in boots at recess,
or your name goes on the board...
with a check.
So what's it going to be, Mr. Doyle?
Boots...
or a check?
[Josh] Go, go, go!
-[Josh] Catch it. Get out there. Catch it. -No.
It changes colors when I lick it.
[adult Jake] Connor Stump
was by far the weirdest kid in school.
He always carried around a recorder
and his lunch was almost exclusively tuna.
You ever put socks and shoes on your hands and just crawl around?
[growling]
It's just me, Connor. I'm not really a lion.
-Jake, come on, you're on our team. -[Josh] Let's go. Line up.
Just play without me.
What're you doing back there?
Ooh, is there a dead squirrel again?
Is it all furry and frozen?
Dude.
You're wearing Katie Sorrentino's boots.
They're mine.
Your mom use a coupon again?
Let's go, Trotter, you baby.
Yeah, we gotta get you outta here.
If Jagorski sees you, he'll kill you.
Hey. What're you...
You're wearing Katie Sorrentino's boots.
They're mine.
That's it! I'm coming over there.
No, no! What do I do? What do I do?
Does anybody have some candy or a nudie magazine or something?
I call dibs if there's a dead squirrel back there again.
[Josh laughs]
I think we got ourselves a pair of girl's boots here.
[adult Jake] Painfully, my mind flipped through
the Rolodex of punishment I was about to endure.
Weeks of wedgies, swirlies, dead legs.
I wanted to punch a kid's face until it turned into Kool-Aid so bad
and I didn't get the chance... until now.
-What's up, dork? -Hi!
How's Four Eyes?
-[adult Jake] But then, I heard the voice of an angel. -[Jeff] Guys, I got proof!
[Jeff] Guys! Guys!
It says it right here! It really is a Nintendo!
It's just a picture of a dumb wreath.
You gotta read it.
"This year's first prize is a brand-new Nintendo Entertainment System."
[all exclaiming]
I'm gonna kill you.
[all cheering]
[adult Jake] Less than 30 minutes after the final school bell
I was fitted in my dress greens and on my way...
envisioning the acres of Alaskan pine forest
needed to cover the amount of wreaths I was about to sell.
And I had my sales pitch all planned out.
[clears throat]
[knocking]
"I'm with the Loyal Ranger Scouts, ma'am, and without your help
thousands of boys may become drug addicts and communists."
-What? -What?
What? What do you want?
Hi. My name is...
Wait. You're not trying to sell me something, are you?
Wanna buy a wreath?
What, do you got a learning disability or something?
Wait, you don't really got a learning disability, do you?
Good. Ma, this kid thinks your wreath sucks!
-[door slams] -Oh.
[Jeff] Hey, Doyle. Gotta look out for those "no solicitor" signs.
What're you doing here, Farmer?
-[doorbell chiming] -Ruining your life.
You can't sell wreaths here.
You think there are rules here, Doyle? There are no rules.
That Nintendo's mine.
-I've already sold 67 wreaths. -To who?
People. Your mom.
You're full of it, Farmer.
Hello, young lady. I was hoping your mother was home.
I need to speak to an adult in the house.
And did I mention how much I like your sweater?
[adult Jake] All over town, the boys in green pounded the pavements
in record numbers,
all in the name of Nintendo.
A swarm of snot-nosed Gordon Gekkos had been born.
Merry Christmas, ma'am. Would you like to buy a wreath?
Hello, ma'am. 'Tis the season.
Merry Christmas, sir. Do you think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
Look at that, it's already wreath-thirty?
Um...
"Douglas fir Christmas wreaths." Just say it!
Why don't you just say it?
'Cause I'm not in stupid Ranger Scouts, 'cause I'm not a stupid boy.
[adult Jake] And it was every kid for themselves.
Kids who weren't even in Ranger Scouts were getting in on the action.
I will not take no for an answer!
That is the first rule of salesmanship! The first rule!
[knocking]
[adult Jake] Even I was getting the hang of it.
Oh, are you here to shovel my walk?
No, I'm here to sell Christmas wreaths.
Okay. Um, let me see.
My wallet's in my car.
You want me to...
Shovel my car out, so I can get to it. That would be great.
Oh, I'll get the shovel.
[panting]
[Kathy laughing]
[Jeff] The Tevatron particle accelerator at Fermilabs, they get more headlines.
But if you ask me...
the most valuable local resource we still have today
are our teachers.
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Doyle.
Merry Christmas, Jeff.
Stay beautiful, Kath.
She said I reminded her of you.
See you later, Jake.
Did it have to be Farmer?
He offered me an honest deal at an honest price.
There's nothing honest about him!
He's a pathological liar!
Oh, I thought he was a really nice boy.
Those are for your mother.
My mom would want me to have one.
I didn't even know that you were selling wreaths this year.
He only cares about it now because they're giving away a Nin--
Night in Chicago.
Yep. That's a new prize.
At a hotel, I think, in downtown?
[Kathy] That's a peculiar prize for an 11-year-old.
That is a peculiar prize.
Don't you think that's peculiar, Dad?
God bless it. Where the hell is it?
The Phillips head is in the butter dish.
[John] No, that's not it.
You know what, Jake? If you wanna win that prize,
you have to do what I tell my kids in class every day.
Make like a vacuum cleaner.
Suck it up and do the work.
-[John groans] -What are you looking for?
My gourmet sausage.
How the hell do you lose a sausage?
[Kathy] Dinner is served.
I wanted to eat it with dinner.
We're having salads.
That's why I wanted to eat the sausage.
Well, maybe Elwood ate it, Dad.
'Cause, I mean, he's been pooping so much lately.
He has, hasn't he?
You know how I know that?
Because it still hasn't been picked up.
Uh, it snowed.
Hey, that's no excuse, okay?
Tomorrow morning, you, that shovel, backyard.
No, I'm totally supposed to sell wreaths all day tomorrow.
Well, too bad. And stop saying "totally."
It's not fair.
Hey, if life was fair,
it would be... a fair.
Okay? But I don't...
I don't see any carnival rides around here, do you?
Hmm.
You just made that up, didn't you?
No, I didn't.
It's an old saying.
Listen!
In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit...
from thou thy bounty, to Jesus Christ's name...
-he is great. -Amen.
[adult Jake] I was convinced Elwood had pooped more times than any other dog
in the history of the world.
Our yard looked like a vanilla cake
that someone dumped an entire bag of chocolate chips onto.
What's Lizzy doing? She can't help?
You wanted the dog, you pick up after it.
You got the dog before I was born.
Who wanted the dog is irrelevant, Jake. Just pick up the dang poop.
Come here.
All right. Take a deep breath.
Go ahead.
You smell that?
-Poo? -No!
Fresh air!
That's all we had, and we loved it.
When I was your age, we didn't have Nintendos.
You know what we did?
Built forts in the woods.
We'd gather up old lumber and siding
and whatever we could find we'd build, like,
watchtowers and rope ladders...
Trapdoors?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built trapdoors, too.
-Cool. -Yeah, it was cool.
Yeah, we'd work on it all year round, too.
Kinda like the house?
[laughing] Yeah. Kinda like the house.
Yeah.
Cry in a bucket, that dog poops a lot.
Yeah.
Hey.
Don't worry about behind the shed.
Just get the ones around the house, okay?
And then when you're done...
you can varnish these old hockey sticks.
Why?
Because they need to get done, that's why.
Come on, Dad.
You think I like paying taxes and talking to our neighbors?
No. But you gotta do it.
I don't like doing that stuff!
Careful with the varnish.
[Jake] "Careful with the varnish." What am I gonna do? Drink it?
I know how to be careful.
We need to talk.
What are you doing in my room?
I need...
Did Elwood diarrhea on you?
It's varnish. What do you want?
I need your help.
With what?
Getting a Cabbage Patch Kid.
Santa didn't get me a She-Ra last year, so I can't trust him.
I gotta go through Mom and Dad.
So what do you need me for?
I need you to drop hints for them to get me one.
No way. Why would I wanna help you?
Now, I want a redhead named Abrona Fiona with freckles and a...
Why do you want a dumb doll so bad?
Because I've always wanted a sister. Stop interrupting me.
It looks bad if I'm talking about it all the time to Mom and Dad.
We need a subtle attack, and we gotta act fast.
What are you gonna do for me?
-Tell you how to win a Nintendo. -[chuckles]
You don't know how to win a Nintendo.
Okay, never mind.
Wait.
How can I win it?
You promise to help me get a Cabbage Patch Kid?
Yeah, sure.
Promise?
Yes, I promise already.
Okay. You sold two wreaths to Miss Sherman yesterday, right?
How do you know that?
Don't worry about it.
She bought a lot because she's old, right?
Old people buy stuff from kids.
So what you need are a bunch of old people all in one place
so you don't have to track them all down.
What's your point?
Prairie Pines, the nursing home.
Two hundred old people,
each with their own door,
perfect for wreath-hanging.
Wow.
That's...
That's a really good idea.
I know. So we got a deal, or what?
Yeah.
A redhead with freckles. Don't mess it up.
I'll be watching you.
[adult Jake] Prairie Pines nursing home didn't know what was about to hit them.
[exhaling] "Suck it up. Do the work."
Hi, everybody.
-Hi. -Do you like blues?
Hi! You look just like my grandson.
Oh, let me see those cheeks.
[adult Jake] But it turned out, I didn't know what was about to hit me.
Because the World's Fair was here...
and we were celebrating the city's centennial.
You see, Chicago was founded in 1833.
That makes it 100 years to 1933.
Hold on.
It's what he would've wanted.
[adult Jake] It took six hours and ten cups of pudding,
but I managed to sell a whopping 47 wreaths to the nursing home.
All thanks to Lizzy.
Hey, Mom.
Did you know that this mall has the largest selection
of Cabbage Patch Kids in all of Chicago?
I didn't know that, no.
Which is good, 'cause they're really flying off the shelves.
He doesn't want a Cabbage Patch Kid now, does he?
-No idea. -Odd. But who knows with these two?
-Hey! What're you doing? -[horn blaring]
Yeah, Wisconsin plates. Shocker.
-Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. -Okay. All right, John...
He's jerking the wheel like he's milking a cow.
[adult Jake] Ah, yes. The annual Doyle Chicago shopping trip.
Also known as my dad's least favorite
and most expensive day of the year.
You know what I love when you wear?
-What? -Turtlenecks.
Ah.
It's gonna be so cold in Minnesota when we get to my parents' house,
I feel like we should definitely try on a few today.
Yeah, well, turtlenecks, your parents, it's great.
So, yes?
Look at this idiot.
What're you doing?
Hey! You beeping at me?
[horn honking]
Yeah, I got a horn, too, Miles.
Miles Davis, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry.
Can we turn on the Christmas carols?
No! No Christmas carols.
Steely Dan. Listen to this. This is good stuff.
Year-round.
[carolers singing] ♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
-♪ And a happy New Year ♪ -[John] Elves!
-Hey. Creep me out. -Breathe, John. You have to breathe.
No, it's like a grown man acting that chipper, it's not natural.
-♪ And a happy New...♪ -Back off, Jack!
[Kathy] Sorry.
-Have some self-respect. Jesus. -You have to calm down.
[John] Why are we walking so fast?
[Kathy] Everybody, no bathroom breaks, okay?
You had your chance at home. Do not test me.
God, why is it so hot in here?
We're not stopping for Santa yet, guys, okay?
Hey, is there a bar at the food court?
John, it's barely noon.
Okay, we got Barb her candles, we got the two-for-one turtlenecks...
-Mom, look, there's the Cabbage Patch store. -What are we missing?
-Can we go, Mom? -Yes,
honey, go on. Lead the way.
[Jake] Hey, Mom. Did you know
that Cabbage Patch Kids come with their own birth certificates?
Thought all you cared about was selling wreaths.
Since when are you so interested in Cabbage Patch Kids?
Lizzy really wants one.
Well, they're very expensive, honey, and they're very hard to find.
Sold out in 20 minutes.
Last Patch in all of Chicago.
You should've seen it. It was ugly.
One woman punched a grandma right in the throat.
Same family, too.
Oh, Lizzy. Hey, it's okay.
You know, I saw some really nice Care Bears on the way in.
Care Bears are for babies.
-[sobbing] -Oh.
[adult Jake] Poor little Lizzy.
It kinda made you wanna go over there and wipe her tears
and give her a big...
Hold on a second.
[Nintendo] Hello, Jake.
Who said that?
[Nintendo] You know who.
Nintendo?
[Nintendo] That's right. Come over here.
I've missed you, Jake.
[Kathy] Hey, Jake. Your dad and I are gonna go upstairs
to get the Fenelons a gift.
[John] Why? They haven't given us anything.
[Kathy] Stay down here with the toys and watch your sister, okay?
[John] Jake.
-Jake. -Huh?
Watch your sister.
Yeah.
[Nintendo] That's it. Come over here, Jake.
You know you want to.
What am I gonna do about my Cabbage Patch Kid now, Jake?
[Nintendo] Forget your sister, Jake. She's useless.
You should be worried about the wreaths.
Have you sold enough wreaths?
I'll do anything to be with you.
Who're you talking to?
We need a new plan.
Jake? Jake?
[Nintendo] Do you know how many games I have here, Jake?
I have all the games.
Way more than Timmy Keane.
What game would you like to play?
Joust.
Pick another one. I don't have that one.
[Jake] Super Mario Bros.
-Pick another one. -Defender.
Hmm, how about Rampage?
It's loaded up right now.
Cool. I'll do anything you say.
[Nintendo] Very good. Yes.
You're such a good boy, Jake.
I can tell, you've got what it takes.
You really think so?
[Nintendo] No. I know so.
[adult Jake] Maybe it was the excitement of the display,
or just the thrill of playing in public,
but for some reason, I started playing the game of my life.
Dude, you're on fire.
[adult Jake] All other distractions became irrelevant.
My senses had reached a higher state.
I'd become one with Nintendo.
Yeah!
[Nintendo] Yes, yes. You were born for this moment.
Whoa! You're amazing!
What's your name, man?
[Nintendo] Go ahead. Tell them your name, Jake.
Say it.
Jake Doyle!
[Nintendo] Jake Doyle. Nintendo master.
[crowd] Jake! Jake! Jake!
Jake! Jake! Jake!
[all chanting]
[adult Jake] Before I knew it, the entire mall was chanting my name.
This was why I needed a Nintendo.
This was my destiny.
Nothing could stop me now.
[Kathy] Jake! Jake!
[John] Jake Stephan Doyle!
Where is your sister?
[stammering]
What's wrong with you?
-[Kathy] Lizzy! -[John] Elizabeth!
You're a dead man, bro.
Lizzy!
Lizzy! Lizzy!
Lizzy!
Forget about her, Jake. She's gone.
Shut up, Nintendo! This is your fault!
How do you get into homes that don't have chimneys?
The back door.
What if it's an apartment with no back door?
The front door.
So you know how to pick locks?
That's me.
Do you know that's a felony?
Mom! She's over here! I found her!
[Kathy] God, Lizzy!
Oh, my God!
Mom, they might still have Cabbage Patch Kids at the North Pole.
Even ones with red hair.
Lizzy, we told you to stay with Jake.
He was playing the Nintendo.
[John screaming] God bless it, Jake!
Are you okay?
You start playing those games
your brains turn to mush in, like, three minutes.
That's your sister!
It's not like losing your retainer!
[Kathy] Hold on.
Five bags here, John. Hold on.
Open your mouth.
-John. -What?
-Where's the Marshall Field's bag? -Hey!
-Jake! -[Kathy] Your turtleneck's in it, John!
Jake!
[adult Jake] The actual cost of my retainer had been explained to me
in the simple terms of, "If you lose it, don't bother coming home."
Jake!
-Hey! -Jake!
Move! Jake!
[adult Jake] I figured it cost roughly as much as a new car.
Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?
Jake!
[man] Whoa!
Jake! Ha!
[John sniggering]
[elf] ♪ Six geese a-laying ♪
♪ Five... ♪
♪ Golden...♪
[elf] No, wait! What... [screaming]
-[John screaming] -[glass shattering]
Of course! Packer fans.
[panting]
[John struggling]
Oh, my God.
Hey!
[adult Jake] Safe. Retainer retained.
[breathlessly] Okay.
[exhales]
[softly] Okay.
[kids chattering indistinctly]
[Josh] You let the girls get punched!
[adult Jake] The best part of the shopping trip
besides not losing my retainer or my sister
was that it turns out there's a secret part of the mall
where old people sit by the piano.
I sold 22 more wreaths that day.
How many you got, Jake?
Um, 93.
You're selling wreaths, too?
What's a wreath?
[radio playing]
[train chugging]
[John humming]
-[Jake humming] -Enough with the dee-doos, for crying out loud,
I'm trying to listen to this.
And stop fiddling with the hand plane.
This is not a toy. See?
It's sharp.
[clanking]
[man on radio] Konroyd over to Larmer. Larmer circling.
And has his pocket picked by Shane Corson...
You know...
If you want, sometime, maybe I can...
teach you how to use some of those.
I kinda got a lot going on, Dad.
Ah... right.
[man on radio] He dishes back to Larmer. Larmer down the near side,
over to Savard...
[louder] He shoots, he scores!
-Yes! -Denis Savard!
-Hawks now leading with one! -Yeah, baby!
-[exclaiming] -And Claude Lemieux is still jawing away.
Quit your crying, Claude.
Yeah, you're all talk, no walk.
Remember that, Jake. Okay?
A bully like Claude Lemieux is not worth a hill of beans.
He's all talk, no walk.
Why are we under this bridge, Dad?
Talk to a guy about the Cabbage Patch Kids.
You know what they look like, right?
Why does Lizzy get to get what she wants,
but I can't get what I want?
Do you wanna deal with your sister
if she doesn't get what she wants?
-No. -Exactly.
I don't negotiate with terrorists.
So you just give them what they want?
-Yeah. You kidding? -[engine revving]
Okay. That's him.
Let me do all the talking. Okay?
This feels kinda scary, Dad.
Here, I'll take the handsaw.
Come on. Come on!
Can I help you boys?
[John] Yeah.
Word is that you've...
come into a little cabbage?
Officer, please. I'm just standing here.
I thought maybe you two needed directions, so...
Relax, I'm not a cop.
What about 21 Jump Street over here?
He's not a cop.
Come on, man. He's 11.
Yeah, I don't know that.
I mean, cops are crazy. You ever see RoboCop?
That dude's half cop and half robot.
You ever see that movie?
My mom wouldn't let me.
But my friend, Mikey Trotter, saw it.
Oh...
Yeah. He's good. You're good.
He's not a cop, all right? Now, come on.
Are you gonna sell us a black-market Cabbage Patch Kid, or what?
Step into my office.
You boys need anything else while you're here?
Some Pound Puppies? Kidney? Nintendo?
-[Jake gasping] -[John] No, just the doll.
We're gonna need a girl one.
A redhead with freckles.
Best Patch in the Tri-City.
Yeah, that looks good.
Yeah, does look good.
So what, are you two having a father-son day? Yeah?
Something like that? Yeah?
Need a third?
Nah, I'm kidding.
I do miss my dad... A lot.
[John] Hey, this redhead doesn't have any freckles.
Yeah, no, the blond one's got freckles.
-All right, how much? -$100.
One hundred? No.
Yeah, where else you gonna go?
Every store from Wheaton to Winnetka's out.
Sixty bucks.
I got the name of two brothers up in Villa Park selling them for $50.
You know what? We can go up there right now.
Yeah, yeah. The Diaz brothers. No, no, no.
You do not want any of their bald-headed junk.
Seventy. Last offer.
Oh, I can't say no to that face.
All right. $70.
-Comes with a birth certificate. -[Jake] Wow!
-Dad, that's... -Signed right on the derriere.
[dealer] Thanks.
[John snickering]
Can we ask about the Nintendo?
I got him down from $100. Can you believe that?
[chuckles] Lizzy's gonna love it.
[adult Jake] Did it bother me that my dad went to
Herculean lengths to get my sister a present?
Sorta.
But I was gonna get one on my own.
[Mr. Halberg] Gentlemen.
Look deeply into your candle's flame.
Stare at its dancing light.
Now, close your eyes.
What do you see?
You see the flame, gentlemen.
It burns even when your eyes are closed
because we know that even when we blow these candles out...
the Loyal Ranger Scout flame will never fade.
-[kid farting] -[children giggling]
[Mr. Halberg clears throat]
[sizzling]
Okay.
But I thought Loyal Ranger Scouts were for boys.
And scouts are supposed to have honor,
yet you're still here.
[Mr. Halberg] Lots to get through tonight, gents.
We've got the Pinewood Derby,
the Loyalty Day parade... Oh...
I got another 'Nam poem for you entitled "A Tie is Not a Loss."
Get to the wreaths, Halberg!
-I'm sorry? -The door necklaces.
Are you even in this troop?
[chanting] Wreaths! Wreaths! Wreaths!
Wreaths! Wreaths! Wreaths!
Okay. Okay! We'll do the wreaths!
[children cheering]
Okay. Calm down.
Now...
I know you've all been selling very hard this year
so we've done our best to make sure that these prizes...
are special.
[adult Jake] Oh-ho! Look at that!
First prize looked even bigger than a normal NES system.
Who knew what other Nintendo treasures were under there?
Told you it came with a free Power Pad.
Okay. [clears throat]
In third place...
Jeffery Farmer!
[kids cheering]
Nobody cares about third place.
[adult Jake] Considering Farmer's constant claims to victory,
this was a delight to us all.
Anybody had a chance now.
"Subscription to Boys' Life."
-[children laughing] -Yes!
I grew up on that magazine.
[Mr. Halberg] Great articles.
And in second place...
an amazing showing...
Teddy Hodges!
No!
[adult Jake] Sadly, the combined totals of the Hodges twins
were only good enough for silver.
It's a globe of the whole world!
All of it!
[clanging]
[adult Jake] There was no second place when it came to Nintendo.
And now...
-[Evan] This is it, this is it! -...this year's first prize winner
of the wreath-selling contest.
The highest sales total in troop history...
Jake Doyle!
[all cheering]
I won!
[adult Jake] You can put it on the board! Yes!
Oh, so many people to thank.
My friends, my family, the Nintendo Corporation...
Yes!
[Mr. Halberg] This year's first prize...
the best we've had in years...
-Are you ready, Jake? -Yeah.
A brand-new set of World Book encyclopedias!
What?
[adult Jake] It was like winning more school.
No!
Where is it? [screaming]
-I hate you, Halberg! -[Mr. Halberg exclaiming] God.
[adult Jake] It didn't make any sense. Why?
Why had the troop leaders promised us toys, and then give us books?
Who could possibly be behind something so terrible?
So awful, so villainous?
Dr. Timothy Keane Senior, that's who.
Parents of Batavia, good evening.
-Hi. -[adult Jake] Little did we know,
the night before the wreath award ceremony,
Dr. Keane had assembled a meeting
with the express purpose of ruining our lives.
There was an incident in my home recently.
A member of the Keane family, Lacy Dog Keane...
was crushed to near death by our 42-inch television set.
[whispering] 42-inch, that's a really nice television set.
[whispering] John.
Now I certainly do not blame my boy, Timmy,
who is a gifted, generous young man,
who has recently been diagnosed with something called...
"Attention Deficit..."
Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.
It's very serious... [sighs]
and it's extremely rare.
[crying] So rare.
[kisses and blows]
[kisses] I love you.
Could I have the lights, please?
[clicking]
Ladies and gentlemen...
the real culprit of this dog-crippling crime...
is video games.
Video games did this.
-[crowd gasping] -[Mrs. Keane whimpers]
And this.
[crowd gasping loudly]
And this.
[gasping]
And this.
Oh.
It's the same slide.
I meant, and this.
-[John] Still same slide. -God damn it!
Timmy dumped cheese in here again.
You know you can't give him cheese, Janice. You know this.
Pookie.
[sighs]
And this.
[crowd exclaiming]
-The question is, ladies and gentlemen... -[Mrs. Keane crying]
[man] Is that a dog?
...what are we prepared to do about it?
We should ban it!
-Ban it! -Ban it! Ban it!
-No more dogs are getting crushed in my town! -No more.
-We must protect our dogs. -Yes.
We must protect our community!
Yes!
[Mr. Keane] It's modern technology taking over our lives.
It's only gonna get worse. It's all gonna go downhill from here!
-[Mrs. Trotter] That's right. -We've gotta stop it!
We've gotta burn it all, burn it all to the ground.
-Burn it. -Yeah.
Video game over! Video game over!
Let me hear you. Video game over! Louder.
[all chanting] Video game over! Video game over!
-Let me hear you. -[chanting continues]
[softly] Bring it down now. Video game over.
[adult Jake] Keane's panicked propaganda continued on
well into the night.
It was a virtual video game Armageddon.
-[Mr. Halberg] I can feel it! We're so close! -[crowd] Video game over!
Video game over!
[adult Jake] And there was nothing we could do about it.
[Bugs Bunny on TV] No rabbit.
All those wreaths for nothing.
Did you know that Australia's chief export is coal briquettes?
[sighs]
We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin from Kane County.
Thank you, Walter. We're here live in Geneva
with video game violence activist Dr. Timothy Keane.
Dr. Keane, it's only eight shopping days now
until Christmas, and you've managed to pass
a county-wide ban on selling video game systems.
-Is that correct? -That is correct.
Every store in Kane County has agreed to it.
And you really feel that video games promote violence enough
to make them illegal?
Has your dog ever been crushed to near death by your TV?
No, she has not.
[Dr. Keane on TV] It's not a pretty sight. Parents need to know the truth.
These games are pure evil, and they've got to be stopped.
Video game over! Video game over!
-Video game over! -[crowd chanting on TV] Video game over!
He's a podiatrist.
Sorry, Jake.
Knock it off, Lizzy.
No, I was being serious. I know how much you wanted one.
I had it.
It was mine.
But now...
I'll never get one.
Here. You can have the remote.
Thanks, Lizzy.
She gave you the remote?
I would never give Charlie the remote.
You must've been a wreck.
Duh. They banned Nintendo.
So, if Batavia banned Nintendo
and Grandma and Grandpa won't get you one...
and you're doing all these bad things, all the time...
-Not all the time. -Yes, all the time.
You're doing all these things, and no one will get it for you,
then how did you get it?
How did you get the Nintendo?
Okay, calm down.
Should we take a break? You wanna text Maeve--
No!
I wanna know what happens in the story.
[sighs]
You see, Annie...
sometimes during Christmas...
just when you think that all hope is lost...
something magical happens.
Some people call it a Christmas miracle.
Well, this miracle happened at the roller rink.
What's a roller rink?
[sighs]
[adult Jake] Six days until Christmas and it was officially official.
None of us were getting a Nintendo.
[Evan] My cousin in Elmhurst might get one still.
That's in Cook County.
DuPage County.
-How do you know? -I got encyclopedias.
[Jeff] Come on, guys. We still got each other.
-[boy] Watch out! -[gasps]
[glass breaking]
-[Jeff] Sorry. -Objectively, I know that's hilarious
but I just don't have it in me to laugh right now.
[adult Jake] It was the Hodges' birthday party.
The dreaded Christmas birthday.
Not only did the twins have to share a birthday between them,
they had to share it with Christmas to boot.
"Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas. Love, Grandma."
What a rip-off.
"P.S. This gift is for you two to share."
-Fresh packs. Who wants to open? -[all] Me!
-You got Chris Sabo. -Need it.
Need it. Got it. Need it.
You gonna eat your gum?
Ow!
Mmm...
Uh, I got a Ripken. Billy Ripken.
[Tammy] Who cares about Billy Ripken?
[chuckles in disbelief]
What?
What? What is it?
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Look! Right there! On his bat!
-[Jake] Oh, my gosh! -[Evan] A swear word.
That's a bad one.
-What does it say? -[Evan] Don't read it out loud.
I'm not allowed to hear swear words.
"Swear word dash face."
Which swear word? A-face?
Mmm-mmm.
-S-face? -Mmm-mmm.
Wait. F-face?
Bingo.
It's an error card.
It's the greatest error card of all time!
Billy Ripken.
Ninety-five bucks!
[cheering]
Ninety-five dollars? You're a millionaire!
Yeah, Couple more of those, and you can buy your own Nintendo.
Guys...
I got it.
[Jeff] I don't get it.
[Jake] What do you mean, you don't get it?
It's a very clear 15-point plan.
-I think you spelled "covert" wrong. -[Mikey] Okay.
The field trip is Monday at 0900 hours to Chicago.
-So? -So, they still sell Nintendos there.
So?
So, we sell some baseball cards,
get some money...
we sneak out of the field trip and buy our own Nintendo.
Oh, now I get it. But wait, how's that 15 steps?
That's like... three.
I don't know. We could get in trouble.
I can't get in trouble now. It's almost Christmas.
Forget Christmas.
This is bigger than Christmas.
[Jake] This is our one and only chance to get a Nintendo.
One that we can play on our own.
We don't have to worry about taking our boots off,
or getting in line...
or any of that stuff.
We can totally do this!
-This is our Vietnam. -[Mikey] Yeah.
I don't think that means what you think it means.
I have no idea what it means.
But who's with me?
I'm in.
Check, check. Over.
[both] We're in.
I'm in.
Nope.
-[Tammy] Forget it. -What?
Baseball cards, Farmer.
Come on! What's a guy gotta do?
Olsen?
[sighs]
We're gonna get in so much trouble.
[all cheering]
[all] One, two, three, Nintendo!
[all cheering]
[Jake] Got it!
Nice, Tammy.
[Evan] Safe and secure.
Here we go!
[Annie] Oh, no! Not Jagorski.
What's he gonna do?
I'll give you a hint.
Nothing good.
[Mrs. Hugo] It's my favorite field trip. Off to the Art Institute.
-Duffle bag? -Check.
-Blanket? -Check. In the bag.
-Walkie-talkies? -Check.
Camouflage, check.
Not necessary, Farmer. But I like the spirit.
Personally, I prefer a woodland pattern,
you know, for urban combat.
[Jeff] I agree.
How are you feeling, Olsen?
Not good. [gags]
Perfect.
Nice Trapper Keeper, Doyle.
I heard it's good for money management.
[Jake struggling]
[Josh growls]
-That's ours! -Not anymore.
You can't do that!
Oh, yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?
Yeah. That's what I thought.
Your Nintendo's mine. [grunts]
[laughs wickedly]
[Josh] What up, Miss Hugo?
Oh, man. This is so bad.
I don't think it could get any worse.
Jake Doyle.
Where do you think you're going?
On the bus to the Art Institute?
Not like that.
No boots, no field trip.
[adult Jake] At first, I thought, "Maybe no one will notice."
Hey, everybody! Jake Doyle's wearing girls' boots!
[children laughing]
[mockingly] They're so pretty.
I have the same kind.
Reoccurring nightmares of Freddy Krueger and the '84 Cubs
quickly fell to the wayside.
It was a bad dream come to life.
Wow! Nice boots, Doyle.
Hey, why don't you come back and have a seat?
Hey, you wanna hear about my ant farm?
They're all dead. The uncles are still alive, though.
[knuckles thumping]
[adult Jake] The entire plan hung in the balance.
And I was stuck next to a kid eating erasers like Tic Tacs.
Erasers are good. Do you want one?
-No. -All right.
♪ When you're Runnin' into first Then you feel a juicy burst♪
♪ Diarrhea, diarrhea ♪
♪ When you're Sliding into third And you feel a juicy turd♪
♪ Diarrhea, diarrhea♪
♪ When you're sliding into home And your pants Are full of foam♪
♪ Diarrhea, diarrhea♪
We're almost to the spot.
Olsen's getting nervous. What do we do?
I don't know.
Just initiate phase one and I'll think of something.
Okay.
[whispering] What about the money?
[exhales]
Mrs. Hugo.
-Evan, what are you doing out of your seat? -I don't feel good.
Okay, I... We're gonna be...
Don't be scared of Jagorski, he's only big in size.
Think of something happy.
Tell me your favorite letters of the alphabet.
In order, mine are T, K, A, I, E...
O, U, Q, X.
Well, well, look at what we got here.
We gotta get the Nintendo now. I can--
Not listening to you, Doyle. The money's mine.
-We gotta go now, or-- -Or else?
Are you gonna make me?
Go back and sit with your dork girlfriend
in your girl boots!
[thudding]
Are you gonna cry now?
[Josh crying mockingly]
[adult Jake] And that's when it hit me.
Connor Stump wasn't a weirdo. He was a rebel.
He didn't care about being called names.
He didn't care about bullies, so why should I?
Nintendo or not,
Jagorski had been King of the Mountain for too long.
[Josh mockingly] "I'm wearing feminine footwear.
"Why did I bring it to school?
"My little mommy put flowers on my shoes!"
You're all talk, no walk, Jagorski.
You're not worth a hill of beans.
Wha... What does that mean?
It means you're just a sad little bully.
And if you don't give me back my Trapper Keeper right now
the only one crying is gonna be you,
buttface!
Now!
Okay, okay.
[timidly] Okay.
And my mom got me these boots. And I hate them, too!
But I love my mom.
-[Evan] I know, I... -Sit down.
Just tell me what it is. I mean, is it your stomach?
Do you actually think that maybe you could have...
[children screaming]
[school bus braking]
[children clamoring]
Just sit down! Sit down, everybody, okay?
[Mrs. Hugo] Oh, my gosh! Are you okay?
[Jake] Get the alarm! Get the alarm!
[Mikey] Walkies.
Open the door!
All right, go, go, go!
[alarm ringing]
Yippee-ki-yay, Doyle!
Red Dog, this is Blue Bird. Approaching the mall. Over.
Blue Bird, this is Rambo One.
-What happened to Red Dog? -I changed it.
We're allowed to change names now?
Let's just start over.
Rambo One, this is Millennium Falcon Super Cool.
[whooping] Love it!
Approaching Michigan Avenue.
-Careful there, kid. It's slippery. -Thanks.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Coming through. Sorry.
[adult Jake] Our testing had made it clear.
Two cans of SpaghettiOs in Olsen's stomach
equaled roughly nine minutes of vomit.
That was our window to buy a Nintendo
and make it back to the bus before Olsen ran out of puke.
Excuse me.
As long as I didn't run into any major obstacles
I figured I'd be good to go-- Oh, God!
Video game over! Video game over!
Are you kidding me?
Rambo One, we have a problem.
What's the problem, Millennium Super whatever?
Your mom and Mrs. Keane are here.
-What? -[Jake over radio] I repeat, your mom
and Mrs. Keane are outside the store.
I can't get past them without them seeing me.
-Don't go in there. D -Don't go in that store.
Don't spend your money. Stay in school!
Get your mom under control, Trotter!
[groans] Darn it!
Jake, what are we gonna do?
I don't know. That's why I'm calling you.
Abort! Abort!
-[both] No! -No.
No abort. We just need to get them out of the way.
Maybe we could page them over the intercom?
Tell them they have a call.
Guys, there's a payphone across the street.
Yes! Okay. How's Olsen? Give me a puke check.
[Mrs. Hugo] Your poor little tummy--
Okay, feeling bad for you. I'm feeling very bad.
Okay!
Could I get some help here?
I knew I should've kept dancing in Vegas. Knew it.
He ate a whole bag of candy corn for breakfast.
-We should be good. -Okay, we can make it to the payphone, Jake.
But what do we say?
I don't know. Something good.
Something good like what?
-I don't know! Make something up. -[groans]
Did someone say "make something up"?
[woman over PA system] Paging Mrs. Trotter and Mrs. Keane
please come to the white courtesy phone.
You have an emergency phone call.
-I'm Mrs. Keane. -What's going on?
Oh, my gosh! An emergency?
Let's go.
[Mrs. Keane] I hope it's not Timmy.
He said something about stabbing our water bed this morning.
It worked!
Okay, I'm going in. Keep them on the phone.
Copy that.
Doing good.
Oh, hey, here it is.
-Hello? -Hello, Mrs. Trotter.
-[Mrs. Keane over phone] No. -I mean, Mrs. Keane. Right.
-Who is this? -This is your nephew.
I don't have a nephew.
I know you don't have a nephew. That's exactly why I'm calling.
I'm with the International Nieces and Nephews Collective.
The International Nieces and Nephews Collective?
-That's right. -What's that?
Well, we're based in Canada.
-[in Canadian accent] Oh, you are, eh? Hi. -Canada.
Four minutes, Super Falcon. You got this.
-That doesn't make any sense. -Makes perfect sense if you think about it.
You don't have a nephew, you would like a nephew,
the Collective is here to help.
-Can you make any sense of this? -Sure.
-Uh, hello? -Hello?
I just wanted you to know making prank calls is very wrong.
Super Cool, come in. Farmer's losing them.
You've gotta hurry.
-[Nintendo] Where's your sister, Jake? -Shut up, Nintendo.
And it's also against the law.
You wanna know what else would be criminal?
Letting your son go another holiday season
without experiencing the joys of sponsoring an adopted cousin.
We're just trying to spread joy to the world.
[both] Aw.
That makes sense.
-That's nice. -Yeah.
She bought it. Someone believed me.
[Mrs. Trotter over phone] I can hear you.
Sorry, ma'am, but this is a matter of national security.
All right. You're feeling better?
Can we go back in the bus now?
Yeah, he's dry heaving. You're good.
Olsen is dry! Repeat! We are out of puke!
-And I'm your nephew. -Okay. You know what?
I think now you're starting to mock me and this is harassment.
-Good bye. -Hello?
-Hello? -[dial tone beeping]
Drat!
I lost them, I lost them, I lost them.
And Farmer is off the phone.
[Mikey over comms] Repeat. Farmer's off the phone.
Look out for Keane and my mom.
-[Mrs. Trotter] I don't understand either. -[Mrs. Keane] Was it a survey?
[both continue indistinctly]
[Jake] Excuse me.
Oh, God.
I got past them, I'm in the clear!
[Mikey over comms] The bus is moving, Jake.
The stoplight is still the rendezvous. You're gonna make it.
[adult Jake] This was it. This was it.
Victory was mine. I could taste it.
Yes. Yes.
No!
[slow motion screaming] No!
[all] No!
That can't be good.
-[thumps] -Damn.
So, you're not gonna get what you wanted for Christmas.
Ain't gonna lie. That's a tough one, kid.
You could give me the Nintendo you have in your trunk.
I said you're not gonna get what you wanted for Christmas this year.
One year, for Christmas, when I was a kid,
know what I wanted? I wanted a donkey.
A donkey. Can you believe that?
Yeah. Be kind of a weird thing to make up.
Well, I did.
All November, all December, that's all I could think about.
All I could talk about.
Donkey this, donkey that. How am I gonna get this donkey?
And guess what happened Christmas morning?
-You got a donkey? -No.
Who gets a donkey?
No. I...
No. I realized that I spent the whole Christmas season
worrying about something I wanted
and I stopped appreciating what I already had.
Was it like a hamster or dog or something?
No, my family. My life.
You know, you only get so many Christmases, kid.
You gotta make them count.
Hey, I bet you haven't even told somebody "Merry Christmas" this year, have you?
All right, come on, get up. I'll get you a cab. Come on.
Yo! Taxi!
Let's get you back with your field trip.
-Where's you headed? -Art Institute.
Drop him off at the side door on Monroe.
-Okay? -Got it.
Tell security you got lost.
Is there any way I can pay you back somehow?
Nah. I fleeced your dad for that Patch.
You gotta do me a favor, though.
-What's that? -Have a Merry Christmas.
-[Christmas bells jingling] -[horse neighing]
Wake up, wake up. Is it time yet?
Is it time yet, Jake?
Let's go!
[festive music playing]
[whispering] Wow!
[adult Jake] Ten years of visual unwrapping experience
I could tell right away there was no Nintendo under that tree.
Fat ladies standing by quietly warmed their vocal chords.
Lizzy, no opening the presents until we pass them out.
You know the rules.
[rattling]
Legos?
Let's just get this over with.
Okay...
Let's have some Christmas.
And...
-[John] three, two, one... -Merry Christmas!
It's Christmas morning, 1988.
Opening our presents!
-Looking good. -Merry Christmas.
[Kathy] Merry Christmas.
-Okay, hold on. -Cheese.
[Lizzy giggling]
[Kathy] Boop. Boop.
-[John] How are you, Jake? -Boop.
[John] Cheer up!
[Kathy] Merry Christmas.
[John] Thank you, honey.
[John] Come on, buddy. Thumbs up.
Great, all right, cool.
[gasping] Leg warmers.
[exclaiming] What? I got a sander.
Bookends?
For your encyclopedia set.
Great.
And they have baseballs on them.
I see that.
A Cabbage Patch Kid!
Wow! Freckles!
I'm sorry it's not a redhead.
Thank you so much. I love you.
I love you, too.
[loud buzzing]
Another great Christmas.
You know, every holiday that I spend with you guys
is a real blessing.
[shouting] What?
I said, "Every holiday that I spend with you guys..."
John. John!
John.
[sander stopping]
Do you have to do that right now?
Yeah, but... You gave it to me.
Okay.
Never mind, honey. I feel like the moment just passed.
[thudding]
-[gasps] -[adult Jake] And that's when I saw it.
[barks]
It was the exact size and shape of the box I'd held in my hands
not three days before.
"To Jake. From Uncle Dan."
Of course. Crazy rich Uncle Dan.
Huh. A gift from Uncle Dan.
You haven't gotten as much as a postcard in the last three years.
Where's he living again now?
Japan.
[adult Jake] Japan. Japan.
Home of Nintendo.
The land where dreams come true.
Oh, God, don't mess with me now.
It's got your name on it, Jake.
[John] What'd he say he was sending?
I have no idea.
Come on, come on.
It has to be. It has to be.
[adult Jake] Lite-Brite?
Lite-Brite?
Lite-Brite.
Japanese Lite-Brite.
Wow! Lite-Brite!
-Yeah. -Jake, that's fun.
You know, for a second there, I thought it was a Nintendo.
[laughs]
[adult Jake] As I slowly tried to grasp the situation
I began to fear that I might never recover from this.
This was a tragedy so great that I'd never go to prom,
never go to college, never leave the house.
I'd become a 30-year-old balding man in his parents' basement
making elaborate pictures of Zelda on his Lite-Brite.
Christmas was dead to me now.
-Hello? -Hey, Trotter.
-Hey. -You didn't get one either?
-Nah, I got a Chia Pet. -You got a Chia Pet?
The Hodges struck out, too.
Yeah, yeah. I heard about the Hodges.
They just got a new bike... to share.
Yep.
Farmer says he got one, but he also says he got a jetpack. So...
Yeah, right.
I guess we all struck out.
Well, I gotta go.
-See ya. -See ya, man.
[line disconnects]
[sighs]
[Annie] Wait a second. So, you didn't get one?
None of your friends got one?
What kind of a story is this?
Whose Nintendo were we even playing?
Here, come with me.
[Kathy] ...gifts for Granny and Grandpa are in the blue bag.
[Kathy speaking indistinctly]
We're going to Minnesota for three days, Kathy.
You've been in our car. I've seen you in it.
You know how big it is.
John, you're getting a little bit of a tone.
I feel like maybe we should leave tomorrow morning.
No. I'm not hitting traffic.
-Jake! -What?
Oh.
Hey, there's still a ton of poop in the backyard. Okay?
So, get a shovel and pick it up.
Why? I mean, come on. Please?
It's Christmas.
Fine.
Come on. Pick them up and put them down, buddy.
-We gotta go. -Yep.
[John] Hey, start with the ones behind the shed.
Dad! The floodlights!
[adult Jake] And there, high above the frozen dog poo
that had become the bane of my existence
was the most beautiful structure I had ever laid my eyes on.
Whoa!
A tree fort.
A spectacular, solid-wood tree fort.
Oh, it was breathtaking.
Wow.
Wowee.
It has a trapdoor!
Your dad was up all night finishing it.
No, careful by the paint!
It still looks wet.
Dad! It's awesome!
I'm gonna get the video camera.
Nah, nah.
-No? -Nah.
Let him be.
[sighs]
[chuckles]
So, Dad...
the Nintendo was here in the fort, right?
It was somewhere hidden in here?
Nope.
Then how'd you get it?
I never got it as a present. I had to work for it.
Spent a whole summer caddying at Prairie Pines Golf Course.
Then Grandpa said I could buy my own.
But I'll tell you what, this tree fort turned out to be a pretty great present.
Mmm-hmm.
It's my favorite place at Grandma and Grandpa's.
Me, too.
[Kathy] Dinner's ready! Come on in!
Grandma! Hi, Grandma!
Hey, Mom! Didn't know you guys were back.
Well, we are.
Now get your buns in here and give me a hug.
Phew.
[sniffing]
Smell that?
[inhaling deeply]
Fresh air?
Fresh air.
Hockey stick slats turned out okay, huh?
Thanks for your help.
[clicking]
Here. Carve your initial.
Every good craftsman leaves their mark.
That's a good spot.
There you go.
[John] There, you got it. Yeah.
Not bad.
Maybe this summer we could add a lookout tower.
Totally.
[adult Jake] Peacefully, my mind unfolded all the tree fort adventures
that undoubtedly lay ahead.
Flashlight campouts with Olsen and the Hodges
ridiculous ghost stories from Farmer
and late-night skygazing with Trotter for Soviet spy planes.
And then a dog was crushed by a TV.
Oh, and Mom, Dad skipped out on a field trip.
It was the most crazy story I've ever heard.
Thank you. Crazy and exciting and amazing.
So, that was the first thing you and Grandpa built together, right?
Yes, Annie, but I had a point.
I know your point, Dad.
I'm not getting a phone,
but Christmas can still be great.
That... Yeah, pretty much.
But you left out the best part.
Yes. Our matching purple floral boots.
Katie Sorrentino, I would never.
-[Kathy] Okay. -Really?
Those boots were $11.99, and I thought they looked great.
[Annie] No, Dad.
That was the Christmas you and Grandpa found your thing.
Which is a miracle, too, 'cause that man could not find anything.
[both chuckle]
[sighs]
Thanks, kiddo.
You think maybe we could borrow some of his tools
and work on the fort tomorrow?
Yeah.
I think he'd like that.
[adult Jake] Turns out John Doyle was more than just a guy who yelled a lot
and could never quite finish the kitchen.
He was a magician.
He was a hero.
He was my dad.
Come on.
Gotta hit the road.
Don't wanna hit any traffic.
Okay.
[groans]
All right.
-Hey, Dad? -Yeah?
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Jake.