Oh, my God, you're, like, coughing.
- I actually like it. - Yeah, I like it.
This is an announcement about Picture Day.
Freshmen class portraits at 9:30.
Sophomore class portraits at 10:30.
Juniors will be during lunch.
That wasn't hard.
Shut up, bitch.
You shut up.
Feel like a man.
Like a giant.
Cherry bomb!
Comb?
Mirror? Comb? No?
Mirror?
Comb?
- Bonzai! - Oh!
Fuck off, asshole.
- Ugh! - I'll take it.
So what's your name?
Talkative. I like that.
How's your day going?
Yeah.
Dinner tonight?
Are you asking me out?
Yes.
I'm not going on a date with you. You're 12.
You're funny. I'm 15.
How old are you?
You're not supposed to ask that.
You're not supposed to ask a girl how old she is.
Annoying.
You're right, it doesn't matter to me.
How are you gonna pay for dinner?
If I say yes and we go on a date for dinner,
how are you gonna pay?
You say everything twice.
- I don't say everything twice. - You do. You do.
What is this, "Say everything twice"?
Come on. How are you gonna pay?
Do you go to the movies?
Of course I go to the movies.
Did you see Under One Roof?
Yeah.
You're looking at Tony.
There's, like, a million kids in that movie.
I don't know a Tony.
I want you to have dinner with me, not my work.
I'm not trying to brag,
but you did ask how I was gonna pay for dinner.
You're such an actor. You're such an actor.
What else have you been in?
- This House is Haunted. - No.
- Two Beds, Two Baths. - Mmm-mmm.
I've done three sketches on The Merv Griffin Show.
Did you ever see me on the...
All right. Don't list your whole resume, it's braggy.
I'm not going on a date with you, man. You're 15.
"Man."
I like that.
"Kid," how about that?
I'm not going on a date with you, "kid." You're 15.
Don't call it a date. It's not a date.
Just come say hello.
I like the way you look.
I like talking with you.
Where do you live?
Encino.
Encino? I live in Encino. Where in Encino?
On Hatteras.
- Hatteras and what? - Ugh. Creep.
"Hatteras and what? Hatteras and what?"
I'm not telling you where I live, creep. Come on.
- I'll be at the Tail o' the Cock tonight. - I don't care where you'll be.
I go there every Thursday for dinner.
I don't care where you eat. Wait, where are your parents
- while all this is happening? - They're working.
They're working. Just come say hi.
Just shut up.
I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I take my brother Greg to Tastee-Freez around 6:30,
he's in bed by 7:30.
Wait, you go all the way from Encino to Tail o' the Cock for dinner?
I live in Sherman Oaks.
Oh, come on.
I take my brother Greg to Tastee-Freez around 6:30,
he's in bed by 7:30.
I slip around the corner to Tail o' the Cock for my dinner.
That's where I'll be.
I'm not trying to pressure you.
You are pressuring me.
You are. That's what you're doing.
If you wanna come and say hello,
if it's convenient within your plans,
I'd love to see you.
"Convenient within my plans"?
Wait, you leave your brother alone? How old is he?
He's eight. He's nine.
You're hilarious.
You can't even keep your own stories straight.
What are you? You're like a little...
Robert Goulet, Dean Martin or something.
- Where do you come from? - Sherman Oaks.
Ha! Sherman Oaks.
- Hi, Alana. - Hi, Cindy.
Did you know we got a big movie star here?
Gary Valentine.
Your name is Valentine?
Valentine.
Should I get an autograph?
Don't bother.
I've been right here the whole time.
I get this feeling I was meant to know you, Alana.
You know I'm 25, right?
I can be your friend but I can't be your girlfriend.
That's illegal.
- You give me hope. - Shut up.
This is fate that brought us together.
- This is fate. - Shut up.
Card.
- Right here. Okay. - I mean, I'm trying
- to spend my time with you. - Oi, oi.
- Is that bad? - Stop, stop that. Oi.
Turn your legs around.
Not too down, so look up, look up. Uh...
Close your mouth just a little bit.
Just see a little bit of teeth.
Little bit of teeth. Little bit of teeth.
Go on, like a tiger. Off it. Go.
Next. Next.
How have I never seen you before? How have we never met?
Stop talking so much, slimy.
We'll see. I doubt it, but we'll see.
Now I gotta get back to work and you have to get back to class.
Stop using time as an excuse, Alana. Our roads took us here.
Stop sounding like a philosophy guy,
Albert Einstein. Maybe I'll see you later.
I'm not gonna see you later.
Put your chin up just a little bit like that, Laura.
Chin up, chin up.
- Hey, Gary. Hey, Greg. - Hey.
I met the girl I'm gonna marry one day, Greg.
Oh, yeah?
And you're gonna be my best man.
So, two down and Garvey the batter.
I'll be at the Tail o' the Cock if you need me.
Love you, Greggo.
Love you, too.
Steve finished the regular season with 111 RBIs,
three more than Jimmy Wynn.
Sixth inning with the Dodgers leading two to nothing.
Two runs, three hits, and no errors.
Remember, there are still tickets available
for Tuesday's game.
You can get them today
at the Dodgers ticket office on Stadium Way.
And the pitch is high, ball one.
Don't be creepy, please.
Foul ball up the middle.
Will you stop with the googly eyes?
Excuse me, Don.
Can I have two Cokes?
Sure, Gary, you got it.
Thank you.
Stop.
What?
I can hear you breathing.
Stop.
- Breathing? - Yes.
So, Alana, what are your plans?
I don't know.
What's your future look like?
I don't know.
How do you like working at Tiny Toes?
I hate working at Tiny Toes.
You should start your own business.
What business should I be in?
I don't know. What do you like?
I don't know.
You're an actress. You should be an actress.
So how'd you become such a hotshot actor?
I'm a showman.
- It's my calling. - Ugh.
I don't know how to do anything else.
It's what I'm meant to do.
I mean, ever since I was a kid, I've been
- a song and dance man. - Come on.
Ever since you were a kid?
Song and dance man?
Where are your parents?
- My mom works for me. - Oh, of course she does.
- Yes, she does. - That makes sense.
In my public relations company.
In your public relations company?
- Because you have that? - Yes.
- And you're an actor. - Yes.
And you're a secret agent too?
Well, no, I'm not a secret agent.
That's funny.
Are you joking?
Well, no, I'm not.
That's a lot.
Gets complicated.
I'm sure.
And all that math homework you have to do after everything.
My mom's in Las Vegas right now
taking care of the Hacienda Hotel,
which leaves me back here.
We do PR for Tail o' the Cock and Chadney's.
I like Chadney's.
- You like Chadney's? - Yeah.
Do you like Japanese food?
I don't really know what that is.
The Mikado?
I'm taking you to The Mikado next time.
Next time?
Yeah.
The food's magnificent.
You're sweet, Gary.
You're gonna be rich in a mansion by the time you're 16.
I'm gonna be here
taking photos of kids for their yearbooks when I'm 30.
You're never gonna remember me.
I'm not gonna forget you.
Just like you're not gonna forget me.
If I ask for your phone number, would you give it to me?
Why should I give you my phone number?
So I can call you.
I don't know, Gary.
Why not?
How are you gonna remember it?
It's only seven numbers.
758-4686.
- 756-4686. - You already got it wrong.
758-4686.
All right, Don Rickles.
Don't call me all the time. Okay?
We're not boyfriend and girlfriend. Remember that.
We're... You know.
I know.
- Hi, Dad. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's up?
- What? - What's going on?
Nothing.
What time is it now?
10:00.
What'd you do?
I told you what I was gonna do this morning.
What?
Go to dinner with Lisa.
- Lisa? - Yeah.
Who the fuck is Lisa?
Dad, you know Lisa.
Lisa?
Yeah, she works with me
- at Tiny Toes. - I don't know Lisa.
- What? - Yes.
Where were you?
Why are you dressed like that? Were you on a date?
Looks like it was a long date.
Get out of my room, Este.
"His name is Jerome H. Frick.
His friends know him simply as Jerry,
and his attractive young wife as Mioko.
Their new restaurant Mikado
is a delightful dinery featuring foods of Japan,
and it should be quite authentic,
for Jerry had a restaurant some 15 years in Tokyo.
The entire staff,
with the exception of Jerry, is Japanese,
and those 'little doll' waitresses
are dressed fittingly in colorful kimonos.
Give it a try,
we think you'll be delighted."
- Oh, that's wonderful, Anita. - Oh, fantastic.
Oh, of course.
- It's just wonderful. - Oh.
- Thank you. - Of course.
Uh, do you think we should mention
something about the serenity, though?
- Hmm. - The pleasant quiet?
Yes, and I wish that we had space to include everything
because it's such a beautiful restaurant,
but if we choose one thing...
Right.
Okay. Let's just...
Oh, Mioko,
how you think of this?
What do you think of item for newspaper?
Oh, oh, Yoko-san.
I think the cuisine is not mentioned.
- Oh. - She's wondering
if we mentioned the cuisine.
Of co... Uh...
- The cuisine? - Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
I think we did talk about that, didn't we?
I might...
I have an earlier draft.
Here it is.
"There is a complete roster of Japanese appetizers available
while sipping American or Japanese spirits.
For the daring, sashimi is offered.
But don't worry, there are many American dishes too.
Mikado is for the gourmet and the non-gourmet alike."
What you think of that?
Much better talking about the cuisine
than the waitresses. Thank you.
Oh, fantastic. I will make a note of that.
- Sure. - That's what we'll send to the paper.
Thank you so much
for coming in to G and G Agency.
Really appreciate it, Anita.
- Thank you so much. - Mmm-hmm.
- Arigato. - Of course.
Oh... Oh!
7:20 with Charlie Tuna.
I'll make that call to the girl selected by a computer...
- So... - ...as the most
compatible mate for me in one minute.
I'm afraid you're gonna be upset with me.
I can't take you to New York for The Jerry Best Show.
I have to go to Las Vegas.
Delicious Certs.
- I'm not upset. - No?
No. Why is that bad?
It's two mints in one...
Well, you can't go to New York without a parent or a guardian.
They're not gonna let you do the press tour without a chaperone.
The Salisbury steak is delicious. How's the chicken?
Delicious.
Excuse me, sir, could I offer you another beverage?
I beg your pardon?
Can I get you something else to drink?
What's your name?
Um, it's Brenda.
- Brenda. - Mmm-hmm.
That's a beautiful name.
Um...
I'll take two Cokes, Brenda.
Okay.
Are you one of the actors?
Yes, I am.
Hola.
Como esta?
- I'm Lance. - Hi.
- Me llamo Alana. - Alana.
Bien. Bien.
- Hey, Gar. - Lance.
How's things back here?
- Pretty smooth ride, right? - Mmm-hmm.
Never flown this bird before.
What'd you have for lunch?
Salisbury steak.
I had the chicken.
They did have steak back here? Good, good.
All right. Well, hey, very nice to meet you, Alana.
I'll see you on the tarmac.
Charmed.
Wow, super-hot chaperone, Gar. Nice one.
That's my friend, don't think about that.
Oh, man, are you kidding? My mind's racing,
doing circles around that track.
Hello, boys.
- Hey, Lucy. - Hi, Lucy.
Hey, Mark, how ya doing?
Good. How are you?
- Hey, Tim. - Hey, Lucy.
Harold.
My name's Henry. you know?
- How ya doing, Lucy? - Hey, Lance.
And, Valentine, don't. Just don't in here.
What's that? What is that? V? Is that for "vagina"?
Why are you doing that? Why do people keep doing that?
Peace and love, baby.
Oh, shut it, you little shit.
Now, cut the comedy. Don't be an ass out there.
Good show, everybody.
- Thank you, Lucy. - Thank you, Lucy.
Sweetheart, do not embarrass Mommy, okay? Have fun.
Break legs.
Watch for me on stage. I'll send you a signal.
I'll make a joke just for you.
- Okay. - Straight ahead.
She's not even stopping.
Keep going straight ahead to the stage.
To the right.
Lucy, I wanna tell you how much we enjoyed your visit tonight.
Before you go, I'd like the audience to meet
those wonderful 18 children...
Wonderful.
...who played the kids in Under One Roof.
I think they'd like that.
- Are they back here? - Yes.
And here they are!
Rise and shine.
♪ We rise And shine every morning ♪
♪ Bright and early ♪
♪ Go somewhere else If you want to sleep Till noon ♪
♪ Bicycle riding and skating And bowling and dating ♪
♪ The sound of guitars Not quite in tune ♪
♪ Sometimes it seems like We're going 'round In circles ♪
♪ And we get hung up On every little thing ♪
♪ Pick up your toys Make your bed ♪
♪ Off the telephone ♪
♪ Why do they act Just like children? ♪
♪ It's a garden that's full Of noisy flowers ♪
♪ And they're all yours ♪
♪ Mine ♪
♪ And ours ♪
♪ Life is a ball if you have The bounce to live it ♪
♪ A lollipop any flavor Sweet or sour ♪
I'm his chaperone.
♪ But you can't take Without giving That's all part of living ♪
♪ For love is to share ♪
♪ It's yours! It's mine! It's ours! ♪
- I'm his chaperone. - Shh!
♪ Just like a ship sailing home Across the ocean ♪
♪ Some days are calm But you know when It gets rough ♪
♪ It's gonna take everybody ♪
♪ All hands on deck ♪
♪ If we work together We'll make it ♪
♪ On the way There'll be sunshine There'll be showers ♪
♪ And there'll be yours ♪
♪ Mine ♪
♪ And everybody! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! ♪
♪ And there'll be yours ♪
♪ Mine ♪
♪ And ours ♪
Lance, how's things in Hollywood for you?
Oh, things are going real well, Jerry.
I just did a guest spot on Banacek with George Peppard for NBC.
George Peppard. That's great, that's great.
- Thank you. - How about you, Gary?
Well, last week I did Three Beavers.
Leave it to Beaver?
Three Beavers.
Hi, what's your name?
Thank you for asking, Jerry.
- Boo. - My name is Margo.
Hi, Margo.
- Oh, there you are, my... - You little shit!
- You little prick. - What'd I do?
You think you're funny, huh? You think you're funny?
- Humiliating me in front of millions. - Lucy! Wait.
- Let me go. - These are my fans.
You cannot treat me like this.
This is the end for you. I'm coming to get you.
Oh, baby, are you okay?
- She didn't seem too happy. - Are you okay?
- No. - It's okay.
Is she like that all the time?
More or less, yeah.
How are you doing?
- Good. - Good.
All right, I should go get out of these pajamas.
- Okay. - I'll see you.
Bye.
- Thank you, William. - Thanks, Vic.
Right down the stairs, young man.
Gary?
- Gary Valentine. - Vic.
- Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.
What've you been up to, man?
I was in New York on a PR trip for Under One Roof. The Jerry Best Show.
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God, you're huge.
- Oh, hi, Gale. - Wow.
- Gary. - Nice to see you.
You've really grown a lot, huh?
- Yeah. - Good,
you've been eating your vegetables.
And action.
You can wear the new Sears 10-in-1 suit this way.
Or this way.
Or try this all-new vest suit look.
Or seven other ways.
Perfect, man, you still got it.
Thank you, Gary. Really appreciate it.
- Thanks for coming in. - How ya doing?
Good. Divorced, but, uh...
- Can we have him read this? - ...losing weight, so...
- Thank you. - ...very nice. Oh.
- Well, you look great. - Thank you.
How about a, uh, cold read?
Sure, let's do it.
And action.
"My face is a..."
Sorry. Can I do it one more time?
- Sure. - "My fa..."
"My face is a pimply mess and I don't know what to do."
Cut. Fantabulous!
- You still got it, man. - Thank you. Thanks, Vic.
- Really terrific. - All right.
- Thanks, Gary. - It was good to see you guys.
- Great to see you. - Bye, Gary.
- Bye, you guys.
Mr. Clean Man Show
with special guest brings a super soulful group
to the Earth in PV this Tuesday.
Move to Mr. Clean Tuesday at Earth.
Call 262-0797.
- Yum. - Mmm.
What you're listening to
is Todd Rundgren's new album.
Now if you have a pair of headphones,
you better get 'em out and get 'em cranked up
'cause they're really gonna help.
- Something/ - Anything? written, performed
and produced by Todd Rundgren,
now on Bearsville Records,
wherever tapes and records are sold.
Do you have sinus spray?
Mom, do you wanna eat the burgers in the car
or at home?
Oh, you must mean Sine-Off?
- Mmm. - Exactly.
Do you wanna go home?
Let's go home.
What should Mom do? Sleep with the kids?
Tell Henrietta no?
Or make sure they all have their own sleeping bags?
"Make sure they all have
- their own sleeping bags." - Your 13-year-old daughter
wants to have a co-ed slumber party.
What should Mom do, Mike?
No question in my mind. Tell Henrietta no.
Provide separate rooms, uh-uh.
Tell Henrietta no. That's, that's...
Mike would say, "Henrietta, no." Sheri?
I would love to sleep with the kids,
but I think as long as she's only 13, I agree.
We agree. I would tell her no. No, no slumber parties.
All right, Sheri agrees with Mike.
It's a good thing
that you agreed with me on that one.
Hello?
Is Alana there?
Yeah. Who's this?
Lance.
Yeah, hold on one second.
Alana, it's Lance.
I believe that you should provide separate rooms.
I don't think you should call the party off, or...
Hello?
Lance?
Hello?
Well, they might try something.
Can you hear me?
If you're gonna be there to stop them...
If you're a good parent, and you're watching...
I can hear someone breathing.
All right, Chuck,
that's not exactly agreeing with them, but...
- No. - Chuck says,
"Provide separate rooms."
Marina, do you agree with Chuck?
No, this is where we start again.
We always disagree.
I'm going to tell
Henrietta no. I think she's too young.
And I wouldn't even let her have a girl sleeping...
The phone's ringing.
I don't agree with him. I agree with him.
I don't care if she knows...
So Marina says,
"No. No co-ed slumber party." Louis?
Well, I think I'd provide separate rooms.
No, you just can't.
You tell Henrietta no. She's too young.
Max?
- Yes, ma'am? - Is there someone there?
Yes, madam.
Okay, Louis. Provide separate rooms.
Louis says provide separate rooms. Tracy?
I'd tell Henrietta no because she's too young.
Mike and Sheri were the only couple
who agrees with telling Henrietta no.
Not one of you had said, suggested sleeping with the kids.
♪ Amen ♪
Nice.
Lance...
are you ready for nice dinner?
- Very ready. - Good.
Thank you for having me again.
Wonderful.
Are you ready to do a berakhah on the challah?
Oh, wow, thank you. Uh,
however, I must respectfully refuse. I'm an atheist.
You're Jewish.
Well, you're certainly right.
I was born into Judaism,
but my personal path has led me to atheism.
You see, I just can't believe there's a God
when I see all the suffering in the world.
Vietnam, you know?
So, with all due respect, no, sir.
I can't do the blessing, but thank you.
What does your penis look like?
What?
What does your penis look like?
Like a regular penis, I guess.
Is it circumcised?
Yeah.
Then you're a fucking Jew!
Why would you do that? Why would you do that?
He was maybe gonna be my boyfriend.
Listen, young lady,
you don't bring this idiot to Shabbat dinner here.
Listen, Dad, he's an atheist, and an actor,
- and he's famous. - But he's Jewish.
He was gonna take me out of here.
Este, don't you even look at me.
Don't you even look at me.
- You're always looking at me. - No.
- I didn't even say anything. - What are you doing?
What are you doing? What are you thinking, huh?
"I'm Este. I work for Mom and Dad. I'm perfect.
I'm a real estate agent.
Alana doesn't have her life together.
Alana brings home stupid boyfriends all the time."
- I mean... - I knew it.
I knew that was what you were thinking.
You're always thinking things, you thinker.
You thinker! You think things!
Gotta stop fighting with everyone all the time.
Oh, fuck off, Danielle.
Hello, baby. How can I help you?
What is that?
That is a bed made of water, sweetheart.
What's your name?
Gary.
Gary,
won't you come in and take a closer look at it.
It won't bite.
Come on, baby.
It's nice, isn't it?
Hop on.
Groove on that.
How much does it cost?
$69.95.
Do you dig it?
Do you love it?
Nobody's gonna sleep on mattresses anymore.
That's old hat, Jack.
That's for squares.
Do you sell a lot of these?
No, you're my first customer.
How long has it been out?
Just a couple of days.
It's modern edge.
Out-there, sleep and dream technology.
Liquid luxury for you.
You can impress your lady friend.
Teen-Age Fair, Hollywood Palladium.
Rock with Jericho, Crystal Fire,
Nirvana, and others.
Bigger, more fun, the Teen-Age Fair.
Friday, April 2nd, 6:00 to midnight,
then every day through Easter.
Easily, baby, but you'd never...
What do you mean he's upstairs eating?
He's gotta get down here.
Get him on the phone, man, or get him down here.
- Come on, boys. - Call Vince.
Now, I'm telling you,
the Teen-Age Fair is not open, all right?
God Almighty.
I don't know why I come down here all the time,
I really don't.
You don't listen to me.
Sonny and Cher, Tim. Sonny and Cher.
Nope. No Sonny.
Nobody cares but me.
We're not opening yet. Please don't touch
- the stuff, okay? - Every single year,
- we show up. - Okay.
- We're not open yet. - So you're
- the real Herman Munster? - Can I have your autograph?
No, we're not open. Yes, I'm the real Herman Munster,
but you can't be here right now.
You can't go through here.
Go on!
Kevin!
I got a really good idea.
Okay.
Um, I have my dad's pipe.
So, we should give your customers some weed
to help sell waterbeds.
Yeah, that is actually a good idea.
Do you mind grabbing lights from the car?
- Yeah, okay. - Thank you.
Weird-ohs.
Let me see.
Taco mini-bike.
Black light.
Photo booth.
Okay. Let's sell some beds.
There's my star. There's my star.
Well, gather around, all you cool cats.
Magical. Magical.
Head right here, facing that way.
Lovely. Lovely. Look that way. Look that way.
Arm like this. Arm like this.
Who wants to be famous?
- Hey, Gary. Gary. Hey. - Just guess the amount of...
I think I know where I can find some LSD.
Do you think that would be better than the weed?
No, no, no. Keep it with the grass, man.
- Keep it with the grass. - All right. Okay, sounds good.
Keep it with the grass.
Have you guys ever been to the ocean?
- Yeah, why? - Sure.
You remember that relaxing feeling of just laying on the water?
- Laying on the water? - Yeah.
Have that every night with a Soggy Bottom waterbed.
Keep the energy up, Kiki.
The Los Angeles Unified School District,
the best district in the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Pasadena.
Next up, from the heart of Burbank is Mary.
Mary is Miss Burbank.
Third generation chef.
Her grandmother and mother love to cook.
Hello, gorgeous.
Hello, handsome.
Come here often?
No, 'cause I'm not a teenager.
I'm selling earrings for my friend JoJo.
Is your bottom soggy? Having trouble sleeping?
Well, now that you mention it...
Boyfriend trouble?
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it for all of the finalists.
No boyfriend.
So I don't really have trouble.
Well, that's good.
Let me introduce you
to the greatest invention in sleeping since the inner spring.
And don't forget, we have the movies of Tarzana.
I've seen these before. These are far out.
Oh, hi, Kiki.
Hey, Alana. What are you doing here?
Seeing this little David Cassidy.
What are you doing here?
I'm working for him.
Is that so?
So, how many dots is it?
Who knows? I don't think they even counted.
- Hey! - Whoa!
Whoa. Whoa.
- Gary. - Hey! What's going on?
- Gary! - Gary!
Officers?
- What's going... - Gary!
What? Officer, what...
No, Gary! No! No! Gary!
There must be a mistake.
- Gary! - Gary, what did you do?
- Officer, what did I do? - Officers, he's innocent,
- he's a kid. - I promise I'm innocent.
- He has rights! - Officer, what did I do?
- What are your badge numbers? - Officer, what did I do?
- I will be reporting you... - What did I do?
...to the chief of police immediately when I get outside.
Where's he going?
Gary, don't worry.
Don't worry. I'm gonna find you, okay?
Don't worry, okay?
187. Suspect is wearing a blue shirt,
long red-brown hair. Suspect is armed and dangerous.
Fuck.
Fuck off, teenagers!
187.
Suspect headed south on Vine, turned left on Selma.
Headed south on Argyle.
Made a left into the Palladium.
Suspect is wearing a blue shirt, white pants.
White male, aged 16, long red-brown hair.
Suspect is armed and dangerous.
I'm not 16, I'm 15.
My birthday is not till next month.
You're going to jail, big boy.
You're going to jail for murder.
Have fun in Attica, dickhead.
Hey, that's him?
That's not him.
Come on.
Come on!
What did you do?
Did you murder someone, huh?
What, do you have drugs on you?
What did you do, Gary?
Do you still have the pipe?
No, no...
No, I threw it out. I threw it out.
Hey, "Soggy Bottom" sounds like someone shit their pants.
I know, I know.
- That's not good. - I know.
That's only funny to you guys.
But when someone wants to buy a bed,
they don't wanna think about shitting or shitty diapers,
or shit in pants.
Well, the bed's not just for sleeping, Alana.
Well, if it's not just for sleeping, I think you mean it's for sex.
"Soggy Bottom" isn't making anyone hot or horny.
It doesn't make you hot?
No.
"Everybody's talking about waterbeds these days, right?
And, uh, it's with good reason,
because the waterbed is the greatest thing
to happen to sleep since the invention of the inner spring."
Okay.
"If you've been thinking about getting a waterbed now,
you can have one delivered to your very door.
All you gotta do is call the world's largest manufacturer of waterbeds,
Pacific Waterbeds.
They present Fat Bernie's king-size waterbeds."
I love the name. Yeah.
"Six foot by seven foot waterbed, you got a $100 value for only $39.95.
Thirty-nine dollars and 95 cents for your very own
king-size Fat Bernie waterbed if you act now.
Call 451-3631 and have a Fat Bernie Waterbed
delivered COD right to your very door.
With a 10-day money-back guarantee if you're not satisfied.
Your loved one will love you for it."
Well, whomever he or she may be, or maybe you have two or three,
or, uh, maybe you wanna tell somebody that you love them,
you're not exactly sure how you're gonna do it,
you can tell them with a king-size Fat Bernie waterbed.
Now, you'll even love yourself for it.
Maybe all you wanna do is just
ensconce yourself in your own king-size waterbed
with nobody around to bother you.
That is some real narcissism, okay?
It's KPPC Pasadena, we've got The Doors coming up next.
You're right. You're always right.
Fat Bernie's, how may I help you?
- Oh, great. - Shit. Shit.
Pacific Waterbeds presents Fat Bernie's Waterbeds.
How may I help you?
- Hiya, Gene. - Hi.
- What do you got today? - Hi, Gene.
- Hello. - Just some boxes.
Okay.
Assholes!
Take it.
Twenty, 25, 30. Just 30.
I got 400. 400.
- 150. - I have 400,
and then you have...
Wait a sec. What were the five?
Fifty here.
Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. All right.
- 30. - There's 21.
Twenty-one's there.
And then how much was the change?
Wait, I think there might have been 19 there.
Not that good of a start.
No, we have 21.
No, we only had 19.
"Fat Bernie's..."
It's small on the bottom.
Too many "Fat Bernie's."
Yeah, but it can be small. That's fine.
And then...
Let's try...
To radiate the specimen with your ionization nebulizer.
Now, back to the ship.
Are you left-handed?
Yeah. You didn't know that?
No.
I've never met anyone left-handed before.
Really?
Gary!
- There he is. - Jerry.
Good to see you. How you doing?
- Good to see you, my friend. - Good to see you.
- All right. - Hi, Mioko.
No, no, no. Mioko is gone.
This is my new wife, Kimiko.
- Hi, Kimiko. - Pretty as a picture.
Who's this pretty thing?
Uh, this is my lady friend, Alana.
- How do you do, Alana? - Business partner.
A pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
Jerry, I want to talk to you about this,
- by the way. - Hold up, hold up.
Let's do it right. Let's sit down
and have something to drink first, okay?
- Sounds great. - After you.
Thank you, Jerry.
Oh, Gary, I love you, and I wanna do anything for you.
But I just don't really think these fit in my restaurant.
We're Japanese,
and this waterbed business is strictly American.
Uh, Kimiko,
what you think of this waterbed?
Mmm-hmm.
What did she just say?
It's hard to tell, I don't speak Japanese.
Gary, I wanna help,
but can I help without putting these out inside everywhere?
Oh, hey, Alana.
Hey, Frisbee.
You work here?
Unfortunately. What are you doing?
Helping my friend with his waterbed business.
- Gary? - Yeah. You know him?
Yeah, I love that kid.
- You love him? - Uh-huh.
How do you know him?
He's in here all the time. He's a friend of Jerry's.
Yeah.
He's cute for a little hustler.
He's also really smart and a good businessman.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, you still work at Tiny Toes?
No, I'm partners with Gary now.
Oh, the "Hand Man."
Did he try and get a hand job from you?
Yeah, he's asking all the time.
Good. I'll pass the baton off to you.
Okay, I'll see you later, Frisbee.
Okay. Say hi to your sisters for me.
I could describe the sensation as a soft, spongy, slow-motion trampoline
without the great bounce.
Sexier.
Sexier. Make it sexier.
But there's no...
- Shut up. - I can't...
There's no floor model for me to try?
No, but you can get the bed
and if you don't like it, we can do a money-back guarantee.
Alana, you have to be sexier
- or he's not gonna buy it. - I think I just wanna
think about it for a while, then maybe I'll give you a call back.
Don't let him get off the phone.
What's your name?
Uh, Ted.
Ted.
Yes.
Oh, Ted, I love that name.
Okay...
My name's Alana.
Hi, Alana.
Can I come and install the bed for you?
What?
I'd lay it down and show you how it works.
It moves in a similar way to the ocean...
wet inside.
And it takes some getting used to, but once you're in there, oh, Ted,
I don't think you're gonna be asking any questions.
Sounds like you just sold a waterbed, Alana.
Tell me, what time can you be over with that bed?
Oh, well. Eager.
I have to wait until my work is done.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I have a mean, old boss that makes me work all day.
Why don't you tell Fat Bernie you have work to do and get out of there?
Oh. Fat Bernie is so mean, Ted.
Sounds like it.
He keeps me locked up inside.
But you know what, Ted?
What's that?
I know you're gonna love our wet beds.
- You know what they come with? - What's that?
A wood headboard.
And that wood is strong and sticks straight up against the wall.
That sounds great.
We don't have wood headboards.
I'm gonna hand you off to my associate, Kirk,
and he's gonna take down all your information,
and I will be at your place later, Ted.
Thank you for calling Fat Bernie's. Have a nice day.
What are you doing? We don't have beds.
Well, we better get some,
because water in a plastic bag is a water balloon.
With a frame, it's a bed.
Let's just go to Northridge Lumber,
- they have real good... - I wrote good dialogue. You're improvising too much.
You told me to make it more sexy.
I told you to make it more sexy, I didn't tell you,
"Go over to the guy's house and get in his bed."
I told you I'm a good actress, Gary. I told you.
Don't tell me to make it more sexy, man.
If you want it more sexy, I'll make it fucking horny.
We just have our own dreams and ideas.
And so we'll just...
So, just say yes. To whatever she asks you, just say yes.
Let's say, if she asks you if you can sing, say yes.
If she asks if you can dance, say yes.
I can sing, and I can dance.
No, I know. I know. I know.
I'm just saying that if she asks you
if you can do something that you might not know how to do,
just say yes.
Because you can always learn how to do something
once you get the part.
So just say yes to whatever she asks.
Whatever she asks, just say yes.
- Just say yes, just say yes... - Okay, I got it.
Okay.
- Hi, Janice. - Hi, Gary.
- Mary. - Oh, darling.
So, Gary tells me that you've been studying
at Everywoman's Village with Milton Farmer.
Yes.
I love his work with young actors.
He is a miracle worker.
You have a warm smile,
which is very powerful.
And you have a very Jewish nose,
which is becoming very fashionable.
I am getting a lot more requests
for Jewish girls.
Really? That's great.
No.
Love to Tatum.
Are you athletic?
You seem to have a very firm body.
Yes.
Do you know how to horseback ride?
Yes.
Uh, do you know how to do fencing?
Yes, I can fence.
- Basketball? - Yes.
- Baseball? - Yes.
- Soccer? - Yes.
Any other sports or special skills that I should know about?
I studied Krav Maga.
Well, I don't know what that is. What is "Quick Draw McGraw"?
It's martial arts from Israel. It's used in combat.
My dad was in the Israeli Army. We all know it.
So it's a form of karate, let's say?
It's more like, "How to use a pen to stab someone's eye out."
You're a goddamn fucking fighter, aren't you?
I like that.
I can see that.
You come here trying to be all pretty for me,
but really, you remind me...
of a dog.
Of an English pit bull dog...
with sex appeal...
and...
a very Jewish nose.
Do you know any other languages?
Besides English?
Hebrew.
- Besides Hebrew. - Oh, I'm so sorry.
Um... Spanish...
Oh.
French...
Mmm-hmm.
Latin...
And Portuguese.
Bueno.
Fantastico.
Would you be willing to work topless?
Yes.
No.
You will lose out on work if you're not willing to do nudity.
So you'd be naked in a movie, but you wouldn't make out with me?
You'd show the whole world your boobs, but I'm not allowed to see?
You told me to say yes to everything, remember?
I told you to say no to that, Alana.
Well, I didn't know what to say.
Say "no!"
I would get naked in a movie if it gave me the part.
Actresses get naked in movies all the time.
What's wrong with that, Gary?
Because there's too much nudity
- in pictures right now. - Oh, come on.
And you're my friend. We're friends, Alana.
And you'd do it in a movie,
you'd show your boobs in a movie but you wouldn't show them to me!
Why won't you ask someone your age to see their boobs?
Because I'm asking you!
Do you really wanna see my boobs?
Yes.
- Where's Greg? - He's in his room.
Can I touch them?
No.
If you ever say anything to anyone, I'm never speaking to you ever again.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Do you think it's weird I hang out with Gary and his friends all the time?
No.
I think it's weird.
It is whatever you think it is.
I think it's weird that I hang out with Gary
and his 15-year-old friends all the time.
A public service from Earth Limited.
Are you happy?
Yes, I'm happy. Are you happy?
If you're happy, I'm happy.
Of course, I'm happy!
You look so great.
Really?
Wow.
The best kind of vinyl.
Like, "Land-ho..."
as it says on the sign.
It says "Land ho!" right there.
- You can float away on it. - Riverboat.
Great for your back and your neck.
And you could just float away on a boat.
Right on your back, or right here.
And Arabian vinyl
- is the best kind of vinyl. - It's the best kind.
Nothing will puncture. We tested it.
We tested it under, like,
the worst conditions.
This is our "Big Bernie."
- It's the "Serious Sleeper." - That right? Mmm-hmm.
Um... "It's the classic design copied by all the others."
Guys, calm down.
Don't wrestle on the bed, okay?
I know she likes the bean bag, but you need the Big Bernie.
Deanna.
You stop! Shut up!
Sue Pomerantz.
Gary Valentine.
This is our "Arabian Night,"
our highest-end model, and also made from 100% Arabian vinyl.
This is Fat Bernie's personal king-size mattress.
He has the heater, the headboard, the side ashtrays,
- and the lamp fixtures. - Hmm.
And what happens if Fat Bernie falls asleep
while he's smoking in his waterbed?
That is a great question.
Actually, the water is too cold to allow the cigarette to burn through.
- Oh, that's smart. - Uh-huh.
So, it's cold?
Well, in the summer, it is, and in the winter, it isn't.
Let me take you over here, "Land Ho, The Riverboat,"
made with, also, Arabian vinyl.
Hi, welcome to Fat Bernie's.
Don't forget to sit in the bean bag chair.
Fat Bernie's waterbeds, bean bag chairs.
Hi, welcome to Fat Bernie's.
Hi.
Welcome to Fat Bernie's.
These are UL approved.
And if they say you can do it, you can do it.
Hi. And who is this, Gary?
Gary. Hi. I'm the manager here.
- I'm Alana. - Mmm.
Alana, Sue. Sue, Alana.
- Hi. - Hello,
it's nice to meet you.
Hey, Gary, can I steal you for a second?
I just wanna see how you want these orders written out.
I'll be right there.
Well, I really need to know soon,
because I really want the paperwork to be correct.
We don't wanna get it wrong on the first day, do we?
I'll be right there.
Is everything okay?
Yes, of course.
Is that your girlfriend?
No, that is not my girlfriend.
Does it seem like she's my girlfriend?
Kind of.
No. I mean...
No. She works for me.
She used to be my babysitter.
Now, I'm gonna take you over here. This is the...
I'm so high.
Kirk got me stoned.
Okay...
I'm very happy, Gary.
Mmm-hmm.
Congratulations.
We did this together, didn't we?
- Uh-huh. We did. Okay. - We did it.
Are you happy?
Oh, shit.
Hey, come back, toots.
Sunday Night Movie
presents some of the most outstanding feature films
in motion picture history.
Excuse me. What the fuck?
Alana.
You know, Rainbow, you're a complete mystery to me.
I don't know a word about you.
I don't know who your friends are, if you've got parents...
Alana!
...if you're in some kind of trouble...
You can tell me, you know.
There's no mystery here, Frankie.
I come from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
I know, I've heard all the jokes.
I didn't say a word.
It gets better.
You have to pass through "Faithful"
to get there.
That must be quite some cross to bear.
My parents are dead.
They were killed in an automobile accident five years ago.
They were nice people.
Nothing really happens in Intercourse, you know.
So as soon as I graduated high school,
I grabbed my bag and my guitar, and I came to California.
And, cut-a-rooski.
- That was wonderful. - Thank you, Alana.
This says you know how to ride a horse.
Yes.
And you speak Portuguese.
Mmm-hmm.
Rainbow loves horses and archery.
That's a subplot we've been developing.
We would wanna make sure that actresses under consideration
are capable of doing these things.
Yes, I can do both.
Thank you, Alana. Thank you for coming.
I feel like I've been with Rainbow for 10 minutes,
don't you, Jack?
Absolutely.
Thank you, Mr. Holden.
You know...
you remind me of Grace.
Kelly?
Mr. Holden,
another martini, sir?
Yes, please.
Another?
Sure.
- Make it three. - Okay.
I've never had a martini before.
They're good.
The jungle.
That's where I'm most myself.
Not this jungle.
Africa.
Oh. Yes, Africa.
I saw two of my best Black friends beheaded in the Congo.
I'll tell you intimacies I've shared with no one.
But don't ask me about Kuala Lumpur.
Is this lines
or is this real?
You're such a delicate creature.
You are Rainbow.
I'm Jewish.
What's funny?
It's true.
Is that Rex damn Blau?
Who said Blau?
Right over here. Blau!
Jack!
Wait till you meet
this character.
Jack goddamn Holden. Bang.
You son of a bitch from hell, get over here.
You shiny, golden,
tall, inexpensive prick.
- My goodness. - It's so good to see you.
There is God's...
Think of any six numbers, I can guess them.
- Okay. - I can guess them. All right.
- Okay. - You're thinking
six, three, four, five.
- Hey. - Henri!
- Always happy to see you. - Good to see you.
- Good to see you as well. - Yeah, are you staying?
I'm great, yes. Of course.
Hey. We can always do take-out tonight.
- He looks around. - No way.
He's all scruffy.
Interesting development to the plot, Henri.
Well, let's not have any trouble, please.
No trouble, no trouble.
This is Tail o' the Cock, this is my place.
Yes, I'm staying.
It's a table for four, please. Table 38?
Well, tonight you might want a different table.
- What do you think? - Table 38, Henri.
With direct sight lines.
Direct sight lines, huh? Okay.
Oh, no.
Full of gas on the railroad.
Now, you know what I'd like to say...
Have you ever seen him on a bike?
I see it spin.
Good.
I know you know I knew
- and know I do. - No. Yeah, well...
I'm patient. I'm a patient man.
The hell you are.
There is this kind of a biblical feeling...
Yeah, but... It's just not.
Someone will be right over.
- Thank you, Henri. - Thank you.
Watch, you gotta watch him.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no. Whatever it isn't.
Jack,
you know what I got out there in the parking lot right now?
- Right on. - Mmm.
650cc.
No, no. You mischievous man.
A full desert sled. It's out there for you, Jack.
It's built for you.
- I'm seeing it spin now. - It's spinning.
I know it's spinning, and it's gotta spin back.
Come on, you know you want it.
- No. - You know you need it.
Oh, yeah, you do.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah, you bet.
Gary, Gary, Gary, I see Alana.
Kirk, assassin's focus.
Gritted teeth and fixed bayonets.
- Armand! - Okay. Bastard.
What are you guys talking about?
Bastard.
What are we doing?
Yes, Mr. Rex?
Armand, I need three wing-back chairs from the bar,
I need a bottle of Everclear,
I need plenty of grease from the kitchen.
And I want you to meet me on the eighth hole
by the sand trap, dos minutos. Pronto.
Apurarse.
We're burning daylight!
I gotta do some prep. I'll see you kids later.
Did you see No Time for Honor?
- With Jack Holden? - Yeah.
Do you guys wanna order martinis?
I can get us martinis.
I'll get us four martinis right now.
"The Bridges span a narrow gap between two targets.
They're the most important targets in all of Korea.
Consequently, they're fortified accordingly.
Although we're only over the targets 30 seconds,
it's a lifetime."
We're going to Korea?
I don't understand.
But I'm sexy, right?
"Every gun imaginable
is hidden in those mountainsides.
And the men behind the guns..."
Mmm-hmm.
"They know where we're coming from
and where we're headed.
We're gonna fly right between them.
We're gonna fly low and straight
with no element of surprise.
And they're just sitting there
waiting for us,
hoping we'll come.
Those are the Bridges of Toko-San, Nancy."
Ladies and gentlemen,
good people of The Cock,
put that dinner down.
That salad can wait.
Let that steak get cold.
'Cause tonight, we have a man who needs no introduction, really.
His name is Mr. Jack Holden.
That's right.
And if you've seen his pictures,
then you know that every goddamn one of them
has got Jack riding a motorcycle,
as if it's the only way
to travel.
Whether he's in the jungle, or he's in Manila,
or he's in Paris,
or if he's in Rio de Janeiro.
They don't have taxis in the desert.
Thank you, Jack.
And for those of you
who perhaps may have seen a little film called,
The Bridges of Toko-San...
Yeah.
Kirk.
Jack
and the beautiful Grace Kelly.
Well, tonight, you're lucky, 'cause tonight,
we bring Toko-San right here to Encino.
That's right. That's right.
Thank you. Thank you.
On your feet now, follow me to the eighth hole.
Here we go.
Would you mind to play Grace?
Jack, I don't know how to ride a motorcycle.
You just have to hold on tight.
Let's ride.
That's my Rainbow. Rainbow rides.
Fire up those torches! Now!
Hold on, people. Single file.
Single file. There we go.
Okay. Right along the ridge. Right along the ridge.
Thank you, good people.
Okay, Armand,
will you handle that crowd for me?
Okay.
All right, people. I need some more flame.
More flame.
God.
It's a great night for a jump.
I can't believe it!
He came here. He's definitely gonna do it.
I can't wait to see this shit.
Oh, he's gonna do it.
All right.
Can I have some quiet on the set?
Roll sound.
Roll camera A.
Roll camera B.
Okay. Mark it.
Action, Jack.
Do you even remember what my real name is?
Whoa.
Keep your gas. Attaboy. Attaboy.
Looks like he's coming in hot.
I'm coming, Nancy!
Yeah!
I fucked up Danielle's guitar.
Are you okay?
I fucked up Danielle's guitar.
Oh, man.
I'm all right!
Toko-San! Toko-San!
This man needs a drink!
- To the Cock! - To the Cock!
Toko-San! Toko-San!
Toko-San!
Toko-San! Toko-San!
...decided to use their oil as a political weapon.
They will reduce oil production
by 5% a month
until the Israelis withdraw from occupied territory.
If the Arab countries keep that pledge,
it would reduce their production
by almost 50% in one year.
According to some of our leaders,
as the Arab oil embargo continues,
the situation will become increasingly worse
and we may be forced into a gas rationing program.
The immediate shortage
will affect the lives of each and every one of us.
In our factories, our cars, our homes, our offices,
we will have to use less fuel
than we are accustomed to using.
The fuel crisis need not mean...
Did you know there was an oil embargo?
...require some sacrifice by all.
Wait, what?
Do you understand any of this?
Major tie-ups like these
are becoming more frequent in Los Angeles.
- Will your gas supplies... - Huh?
...hold out very long?
The beds are made from vinyl, Gary.
Vinyl is made from oil.
Do you have any idea what that means?
It is?
Fucking duh. What did you think it was made out of?
- Gold? - I don't know.
I thought it was, um...
- What? Magic? - I thought it was...
Like a scientific fabric.
I thought it was like a rubber.
Which is also made out of oil, dipshit.
Filled up. Have to wait till I got some money to get it filled up.
I tried to pump gas
on the way home last night
and had a little success.
What little money I had on me,
I got a couple of dollars' worth, but, I'm afraid for the weekend.
It's the end of the world, Greggo.
Hey, fellas.
Hello.
Which one is in charge? Are you? Are you in charge?
Yeah, I'm in charge.
May I just speak with you for a second?
- Yeah, sure. - Thanks.
You can tell your crew to stop.
Stop for a sec, guys.
Um...
So, this is what I wanna say to you.
Um...
- Do you know who I am? - Yeah.
Do you know who my girlfriend is?
Barbra Streisand.
Barbra "Streisand."
- "Sand." - "Sand." Yeah, like "sands."
- Like the ocean, like beaches. - Barbra Streisand.
No. "Streisand."
"Sand."
- "Streisand." - "Streisand."
"Barbra Streisand."
Are you fucking with me?
All right, let's get past that.
Hopefully, you never fucking meet her.
She'll fucking... You think I'm bad.
So, we're going to the movies right now and I'm on my way to pick her up,
so I'm gonna leave you here.
But, I wouldn't normally leave somebody in my house when I'm not there,
but I have to because you guys are so motherfucking late.
- I'm sorry. There was no gas. - Yeah, well,
that's an excuse I'm gonna shove up your fucking penis hole, man.
What's your name?
- Gary. - Gary. Gary.
How big is your penis hole?
It's regular sized.
Hmm. How would you know?
Imagine what that would feel like, if I shoved that excuse up there.
- That would hurt a lot, right? - Yeah.
But that's what I'd like to do.
I'm sorry, I don't wanna make you any more late
than you already are. You can leave.
Look at you, you cocky motherfucker.
I like it.
We speak the same language, huh? We're both from the streets.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I didn't see it before. That's... Wow.
Wow, you get right in there and you do it.
Wow. You have a little, um...
You have a tincture in your left eye.
It means that you're deficient in vitamin K.
I'm like a fucking doctor.
You need to take more vitamin D and cod liver oil.
You see that Daytona Ferrari?
- Yeah. - Yeah, that's mine.
Gary, that's filled with gas.
That's gonna get me to the movies on time.
'Cause I'm not a shithead idiot fuck-up,
I'm Jon Peters.
My only problem in life is that I love tail too much.
I love it. I love it so much.
I love it so much.
- Is that your sister? - No.
- It's your girlfriend? - No.
I love it so much, it's gonna kill me one day.
- You know how much tail I get? - No.
All of it.
It's all mine.
- You like Barbra Streisand? - Yeah...
- You do? - Mmm-hmm.
Do you?
Yeah.
I do, too.
Gets boring, but you know...
Yeah.
I'm gonna kill you and your family
if you fuck up my house.
- Okay? Do you have a cat? - No. No.
- You got a dog? - No.
- Your brother and sister... - Brother.
Yeah. Your brother? I'm gonna fucking choke
your brother out right in front of you.
Okay, Steve's gonna look after you while I'm gone.
Uh, it's a pleasure to meet you, Gary.
I want you to be horrified.
- Okay. - Your life's on the line.
But you know from that, right?
It's the way of the streets.
Miss Streisand?
Hi, it's Steve. Mmm-hmm.
Yes, he just left.
I also thought you might wanna know that he ordered a waterbed this evening.
Right now. Mmm-hmm.
Four small children and a girl or a young woman.
To be honest, I don't know what she is.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.
Yes. Sure will. Thanks, Miss Streisand. Uh-huh. Bye.
Okay.
I used to work with Julie Andrews.
Oh.
She was difficult.
Mmm-hmm.
He said he was gonna kill Greg.
We're done, let's go.
Boo.
Jerks.
"I'm gonna choke your brother."
Uh-huh.
I kept it inside, but what I wanted to say was,
"No, I'm gonna choke you."
- Oh, yeah? - I would've said it.
I was trying to stay cool though.
I was trying to stay...
Scooch over.
Back it up. Oh, fuck.
We're going back up the hill, okay?
Okay.
How'd it turn out?
It was good. Went well.
You didn't fuck up my house, did you?
No.
You okay? Can you see okay?
- Yeah. - Well, why don't you just...
Why don't you just back in the driveway, and then you can go straight.
Steve. Steve.
You blew it, man. You blew it. Did she call?
No.
God damn it, Steve.
Where the fuck is the... God damn.
There's no gas-o in the goddamn car-o, Steve-o.
Motherfucker.
How long you guys been together?
- Me and her? - Yeah.
- Oh, we're not together. - We're not together.
Why not?
I don't know.
What?
I'm 28.
- What's that? - I'm 25.
You're 25? When's your birthday?
- December. - December.
Are you a Capricorn? Sagittarius?
- Sagittarius. - Sagittarius.
December what? 13?
- Fifteen. - Fifteen.
I was only two off.
What do you wanna do if you're not gonna do hair?
Do you have sisters, or brothers, or anything?
Sisters.
Are they older or younger?
Older.
So you're the youngest?
How about your dad?
Do you have a good relationship with your dad?
- Yeah. - What's he do?
Real estate.
Oh, yeah?
Did he teach you how to drive?
You're really good at it.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
It's not easy. Gary can't do it.
All right. Just slow it down now, okay? There she is.
Okay, do you have enough room? Yeah?
- Mm-hmm. - You sure?
I think so.
I parked on the side so no one would hit it.
You know what? Here.
I don't want you to have to bear the burden in case we hit it.
Here, why don't I take the wheel,
and then you just put your foot on the clutch
and just feather the brake.
That's it. We'll do it together, okay?
Yeah, we'll do it together, okay? Here we go.
Oh, yeah. Smooth. Smooth, yeah. Just breathe.
We got it. Yeah, we got it. I think we got it.
Look. Look, look. Over there. You see?
We got it.
We did it.
That's so good, Alana.
Oh.
- Yeah. No. - We didn't hit it at all.
I...
Oh, you smell so good. Whoo!
Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary.
Get some gas, I'll be on my way.
Oh, shit. Look at this line, man.
Fucking sardines packed in a can.
Go, just make a left here.
I'm not fucking waiting in this motherfucker.
All right, let that car just go past. There you go.
Okay, now, stop it.
Oh, they'll... They'll move out of the way.
Yeah, yeah, okay. Okay, stop the car.
God! Fuck. Son of a bitch. Fucking shit!
What you got, motherfucker?
Fucking Chumash Territory!
Goddamn sons of bitches don't even know where they are.
Yeah, motherfucker, that's right.
It's my nozzle now.
Go. Let's go. Let's go.
- Just reverse it. - Now?
Reverse, reverse, reverse.
- It's your move! - Okay.
- Relax. - It's my nozzle.
Want some gas, Jon? I got your gas.
I got your gas right here, Jon.
Jon Peters' Ferrari...
No.
Come on.
Oh, no.
Where are we?
I don't know.
No, no, no, we ran out of gas. You have to push the truck.
The fuck are you staring at? Push the truck.
What are you doing?
Get in.
Hold on.
If we get lucky and make the light at Ventura,
I think I can make a right and get us to the 76 station.
If you make the left, the Mobil station's closer.
I'm gonna blow this stop sign.
I trust you.
Oh!
Oh, my... Alana! Hard! Core!
Hardcore, Alana!
Fellas, you okay back there? You okay?
Oh, my... We did it! We... You...
Alana, you did it. I... We did it!
Oh!
How did we survive?
What the...
It's a goddamn newsstand in the middle of fucking...
Yeah, you fucking... Yeah, that's right.
Did you hear that whole thing that went down
with that other instructor
at the courts the other day? It was, like...
- Hey. - Hi.
Do you like peanut butter sandwiches?
Peanut butter?
- Not really. No. - No?
Like, creamy or nutty?
However you like it.
I like it a bit nutty.
Who's got the better backhand?
You do. No, you have the serve.
You have a bigger serve.
- She's got a good ground game? - Yeah.
- Hello? - Brian?
Yes?
Hi, it's Alana Kane.
Drive their own cars...
Alana.
Wow. Hi. How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
I'm doing fine.
What are you doing?
Not much.
I was calling to see if you still work for Joel Wachs?
Yes, I sure do.
Well, do you need volunteers?
We always do.
Do you mean you?
Yes.
Alana...
please come and work with us. We need you.
I've seen how you do your homework.
Oh, my God, you remember that?
Yes, of course. How could I forget?
We need you.
Alana.
Hi.
- How are you? - Good. How are you?
I'm good. Good, it's good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
Let me introduce you to everybody.
Welcome to our campaign.
I'm just gonna give this to you.
Tess, this is Alana...
- Hi. - ...our newest volunteer.
- Nice to meet you. - Over here is Elizabeth.
We have Richard. They're in a meeting.
We have Spencer, Chuck's on the phone.
Let me introduce you. Hey, Ted. Ah, he's busy.
Don't worry about it.
So, here's where we're gonna be spending most of our time.
We're making phone calls.
Joel, you're the youngest councilman in the city,
you're also its only bachelor.
- Yes. - How do you find time
for a social life?
Being single means I have more time to work,
and a councilman's schedule
pretty much ruins the social life anyways, so...
What do your dates say about that?
They're not saying anything.
I'm not going on any dates.
As you can imagine,
it's probably pretty difficult for somebody
to be a part of all the social events that I'm a part of.
You know, keep up with my busy schedule.
But, um...
I imagine someday soon somebody's gonna come along
who'll wanna share that with me, so...
Certainly you have some prospects?
I can't tell you how many times I've heard,
"Boy, have I got the girl for you."
And I've met some pretty magnificent women through my district residents.
But I'll tell you what I tell them,
and that's, "I'm sorry but my time is spoken for."
- Well, good luck. - Thank you.
Let's get one photo for the paper,
if you don't mind, Councilman Wachs.
- It's "Wachs." - Wachs. Wachs.
If you don't mind, let's have you... Yeah.
Let's have you stand with your mother over here, yeah?
Have a nice little picture of you guys, and...
- For sure. - Since you're doing so much
for his campaign.
There you go. Put your hand...
Why don't you put your hand on her shoulder? And then, ma'am,
- if you grab the telephone... - Councilman?
- Yes? - We'll handle it, sir.
Wanted to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is Alana Kane.
- She's a volunteer. - Oh, hey.
- Oh, volunteer. Wow. - Hi. It's an honor
- to meet you. - Wow, what a pleasure.
No, I'm honored to meet you. Thank you for coming on board.
I have integrity.
Me too.
- I know. - Honest.
- Okay. - Mmm-hmm. I'm that too.
This is public land which the state bought for $34,000
when everyone knew it was worth millions.
Sam Yorty and his cronies would gladly destroy this beautiful
225,000 square acre mountain chain for favors, payoffs, and ugly houses
that only their friends can afford.
But it needn't be that way, you see.
I understand it's crazy,
and everybody's talking about a revolution,
but it doesn't have to be that.
All that we need are people in positions of power
to remember to be who they were when they were voted in.
And cut. That was great.
- I think that was the one. - That felt really good.
- Yeah, I mean, that was terrific, Joel. - It was great.
It did.
You ready? We good?
- Yeah. - Good.
What would you say to the people that think
you're too young and don't have enough experience?
I would say, "Thank you very much for the compliment."
Sorry, sorry, just...
Can you say that again? We didn't get that.
Really?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Councilman.
Everybody rolling? Good?
One more time.
So, Councilman,
what would you say to the people that say,
"You're too young and don't have enough experience"?
I would say, "Thank you very much for the compliment."
The way I look at it...
I'm sorry. Are you rolling? Did you...
- Are you rolling? - I think we rolled out.
We're gonna need to take five. I'm so sorry.
It's okay. It's okay.
So, Joel, don't forget, tomorrow we got that
Toluca Lake neighborhood council thing.
- Yeah. - They'd love you there at 10,
if you can get there.
What's been going on with the pinball?
Art's calling me...
Did you hear about Judge Sachs?
- I did, yeah. - It's over.
He lost five games to nothing. So that's done.
- That's it? - Pinball will be legal again
in LA for the first time since...
- Wow - It's been illegal since 1939.
- Can you believe it? - I can believe it.
It's an outmoded discriminatory law
in the first place so, of course it took this long.
If I'm gonna call Art, I need to know 100% that this thing is passing.
Oh, it's passing. It's done.
I talked to all my people with the court.
It's over.
- Decision comes out tomorrow. - Good.
Yes, it's Gary Valentine.
I started a new company, and, um, I'm looking for some pinball machines.
No?
Okay.
Well, thank you for picking up my call. Have a good day, Jimmy.
Are you doing what I think you're doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
Calling people about pinball machines.
That's what I'm doing.
Because?
Because we could be the first place open that has them.
Because we could start "Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace."
You know, we spent the day with a great man
who's really trying to make a change on how this city runs,
and the only thing you fucking heard was,
"Pinball machines are about to be legal."
I heard other things, too.
Yello. Gary Valentine here.
Don, thank you for calling me back so swiftly.
"Swiftly"?
- Who are you? - Yes.
Yes.
Is there a time that's convenient for you, within your plans,
that I could come lay some eyes on the equipment?
- Give me a fucking break, Gary. - Great. Great.
I'm 10 minutes away, I'll be right over. Thank you so much, Don.
I'm not driving you.
That's great news 'cause I can drive myself.
Hmm.
You're gonna go on your own? Big man.
Yes, I am.
You smoke those cigarettes, you're gonna throw up like a little bitch.
These cigarettes?
These ones right here?
"King size Mayburn."
You don't have the balls.
I'm cooler than you.
Don't forget it.
I don't need you to tell me whether I'm cool or not, old lady.
- What was that? - I said "milady."
- What was that, then?
- What was that? - "My lady."
I don't need you to tell me whether I'm cool or not.
You're not cool, and your breath smells.
Says you.
And you're old.
I'm old?
I don't know what's cool?
Changing the world isn't cool?
Go ask Brian if you're cool.
I will.
Who thinks you're cool, Gary?
Your waterbed fans?
Sue, Kirk, and Mark?
I hang out with more people than that.
You don't even know what's going on in the world.
You think that the world revolves around Gary Valentine
and whatever stupid shit you come up with.
- It does. - It doesn't.
- It does. - It doesn't. It's about more.
- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.
Alana, you would still be taking pictures
at my high school of children if it wasn't for me.
You're talking about pinball machines...
I'm a politician.
I need to get my life together.
So, get it together.
Where are you going?
I'm going out.
Okay, I'll take you.
Come on, you wanna go see these stupid pinball machines or what?
Gary, I'm gonna take you, it's fine.
Gary.
What is your problem?
Don't you get in that car.
Don't you fucking get in that car.
Gary fucking Valentine, if you get in that...
I will never speak to you ever again.
Just stop.
Good morning. This is Alana Kane
calling from Councilman Joel Wachs' office.
Am I catching you at a good time?
I'm calling to ask if you've heard
of the councilman's efforts to reduce corruption in our local...
Well, fuck you, then.
So, um, what's going on with the analysis?
Oh, yeah, that's Len Barton's thing.
They're small, but...
Good morning. This is Alana Kane
calling from Councilman Joel Wachs' office.
Am I catching you at a good time?
Yes, I'm calling...
- Alana. - Oh, I'm so sorry,
- I have to go. - Oh, sorry about that.
- Um... - Sorry.
Is it okay if I tell you something?
Yeah.
Um, I've been known to be
a little forgetful, absent-minded, and, um...
Look at me, I can't even remember what I'm saying.
But, ever since you've gotten here,
I've been very organized, capable, and inspired.
So, thank you for that.
Thank you, Councilman.
That's it.
Good morning. This is Alana Kane
calling from Joel Wachs' office.
Am I catching you at a good time?
I'm calling to ask if you've heard
of the councilman's efforts to reduce corruption in our local...
Well, fuck you, then.
Councilman Joel Wachs' office. This is Alana. How may I help you?
- Hey, it's me. - Oh, hey.
What are you doing?
Working. What are you doing?
Gary just came by and dropped off a flier for his Pinball Palace.
What did he say?
Well, he wanted to see if we would go.
And he wanted to make sure you knew about it.
What else did he say?
Well, I think he misses you.
He said that?
No, but he looked really sad.
And sweet.
He asked about Brian.
Hmm.
You should just go to his pinball store.
I can't, I'm working.
But they have free Pepsi.
And it's open till midnight.
- Pepsi... - There's a band.
Free Pepsi... Danielle,
I'm eliminating state property tax for the elderly,
and saving the mountains, and you're talking about free Pepsi.
Brian, do you see that guy over there?
Number 12 guy?
Yeah. I think he's spying on us.
He keeps looking over here like a creep.
He doesn't look weird to you?
He does a little.
He's been there all morning.
Go say something to him.
Just leave him.
If he stays there too long, I'll say something.
Yeah, you too. Thursday?
Can I help you?
I don't know.
You're staring at our office.
Yeah, my eyes need someplace to go.
What are you doing here?
I'm waiting for my friend.
Who's your friend?
No one you'd know.
Move it.
Away from our office. Go down the street.
Well...
This is a free country...
so why don't you just go on back to your little office
before I start asking you questions.
Is there a problem?
Not from me.
Why don't you get out of here?
Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm on my way.
- What was he saying? - I don't know.
- Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace. - Tonight.
Come out to the Pinball Palace.
Come to Fat Bernie's
Pinball Palace tonight.
Guest band and a free Pepsi. Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.
2001. Fireball. Jive Time.
Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace, tonight.
Kirk's gonna pick you up after school.
Hand as many of these out as you can.
- Okay. - Okay. I love you.
No age limit at Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace tonight.
Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace. Opens at sundown.
Pinball Palace. Opens at sundown.
Come to Pinball Palace. Opens at sundown.
We got Fireball, we got Jive Time...
Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace. Opens at sundown.
Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.
Free Pepsi. Opens at sundown.
We got Fireball at Pinball Palace. Fat Bernie's.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, Kirk. - Ladies.
Hi, Gary. Please step up over here.
You have a dinner tonight, sir?
I hope so. I hope so.
That's great.
Jacket. Mmm-hmm.
Hey, hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.
You're gonna break the machine.
Hey.
Hey, man, cool out.
Hey, can you hear me? Buddy, stop!
Hey, I'm telling you to fuck off, man.
Okay. Okay, you're out of here.
You're out of here.
Come inside when you're ready to be cool.
What is this? What is this?
Bikes to the side.
Jack, Matty, bikes to the side.
- They are on the side! - Bikes to the side,
you're blocking the entrance!
Hand me that jacket.
Here. Don't know whose it is.
Yeah.
I'm really glad you're here.
I told you that?
I'm glad I'm here, too.
Councilman Wachs' office. Alana speaking.
Oh, Alana, I'm so glad I caught you.
Oh, hi, Councilman.
Hi. I was wondering, if you're not too busy,
if you could come meet me for a drink?
Me?
Yes, you. It'll be nice, right?
We could have a quick drink, I was thinking, Rive Gauche?
That sounds nice.
Just one small drink.
I don't wanna keep you too long, but, um,
you should come straight away.
It's important.
Right, straight away.
Thanks so much, Alana. See you soon.
I'll see you soon.
The councilman forgot his wallet.
- Again? - Yeah.
He's never gonna win, is he?
What do you mean?
He's a mess. Forgets everything.
If it's not his wallet, it's his keys or his briefcase.
I've gone to his house three times to pick up paperwork.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean he's not gonna win.
- I'll go with you. - No.
No.
Just finish locking up.
Okay.
Found it.
Guess I'll see you later?
Sure.
Wanna meet at Tarzana Bobs?
Tarzana Bobs. Sounds good.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
Stop playing. Stop playing. Leave.
- But I put my money... - Leave. Leave.
- But, I... - I own the place. Leave.
- Hello, Este. - Hey.
- Hey, Gary. - Hey.
This is really great.
Someone did their toes.
- I did do my toes. - I like them. I like them.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for coming. Really. - It's a big night.
You ladies look great.
Thank you.
Did you get a chance to talk with Alana?
- Fuck! - She gonna come?
You know where she works, right?
Yeah.
Are you telling me to go? I...
Yeah.
Go.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
No, I spoke to her, and I said,
"No, it's not possible to do that."
- You know what I mean? - Yeah?
- And she was okay? - Yeah, she was fine with it.
Alana!
Alana.
- Hi. - Hi.
I wanna introduce you to my old friend, Matthew.
Oh, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. - This is Alana.
She works with me on the campaign.
She's been such a terrific help.
- Mmm-hmm. - I...
She helped make those TV spots, actually.
Yes. I helped with the "Integrity" billboard.
That and, like, 100 other things you've done.
Don't be shy.
Things come easily when they matter so much.
It's funny, we were just talking about that.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Madame. - Hi.
May I get you something?
Uh... A martini.
Martini. Vodka or gin?
Vodka-gin.
Would you like an olive or a lime with it?
Yes.
Yeah, madame.
Why am I even staying in this?
Did you have any trouble, um, finding the place?
- Oh, no. - No?
No, I come here all the time.
That's good.
And now, you're dragging this poor girl into it.
Can we please just enjoy dessert?
And settle down? Everything's gonna be fine.
Alana's got her drink coming.
Is that your campaign slogan?
"Everything is gonna be fine
as long as no one finds out who I really am."
I'm dealing with so many things that you don't understand.
So tell me.
Do you have any idea how uncomfortable I am all day long?
I can't understand. No, because you don't tell me these things.
The one time, the one time that I wanna feel comfortable,
you go out and make me feel uncomfortable.
I haven't done anything to you, Joel.
Okay.
I didn't call this girl. You called her.
Okay, but you're upset that I called her.
Yes, I'm upset because nothing is about me.
Nothing is about us.
Oh, yeah, I forget who I'm dealing with here.
"I'm Matthew Marshall, and, uh, it's always about me."
No.
No, no, Joel.
It's never about me, and that's why I'm sad.
Well, look...
We're here, we're having dinner.
You asked me to come to dinner.
I'm tired, and I'm here at dinner.
What more do you want from me?
I want you to myself.
Well, that's just not how the world works, is it?
I don't know.
Well, then you need to grow up.
There was a man hanging around the office earlier,
and he's here now.
That's why I called.
Um, you see, I don't think it's wise for my personal life
to distract from what our first priority is.
What is our first priority?
Well, there's the community, my campaign,
and everything that I'm working towards.
Mmm-hmm. Yes, and that's that, and this is dinner,
so what are we working towards?
So, Alana, you came to meet me for a drink.
Um, you were running late,
and now, you're going to be taking your boyfriend,
Matthew, home.
Is she gonna be taking her boyfriend to his house,
or to your house?
Would you please keep your voice down?
She's going to be taking you to your house.
Are you gonna be coming there?
Can we just discuss this at another time? Please.
Are you gonna come to my house tonight, Joel?
Can we please just discuss this at another time?
- Do you want me to... - Can't...
Do you want me to wait up for you?
No, Matthew.
Thank you both for coming.
Let's go paint the town red.
- So nice of you guys to... - And black and blue.
Thank you, Alana. You're very sweet.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Yes and no.
I don't know.
Is he a shit?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.
They're all shits, aren't they?
Aw...
Thank you, sweetheart.
You have a very powerful feeling.
Thank you, Matthew.
You're very cool. What do you play?
Guitar.
- Hey. - Me, too.
Where's Gary?
Are you okay?
Where's Gary?
He left.
Where'd he go?
I don't know.
Pop. Pop. Pop.
Miss Alana. Good evening.
Is Gary here?
No, Gary didn't come in tonight.
- You haven't seen him? - No.
Do you need some help?
No, thank you, Henri.
Oh, my God.
Everyone, everyone! May I have your attention, please?
Let me introduce to you, Mrs. Alana Valentine.
Idiot.
Hi.
I love you, Gary.