No.
Get your face up!
- Leave her alone, man. - Chad.
Chad!
- Hmm. - No!
Bingo!
No, no, not...
Would somebody help me, please?
Help!
Help, help, help, please!
- Please! - Dude took Summer.
Oh, that's a shame, man.
I mean she wasn't really gonna fuck you anyway.
Wait!
We... we gotta do something!
- Do what? Man has a fucking gun! - I can't sit...
That is a weapon, he will kill us.
- Do you want to die, Neil? - No, I don't want to die.
Do you want to die a virgin, Neil? I don't.
I mean, I'm not saying I'm a virgin, I'm just saying...
Okay, look, I've got to do something.
But, like, Summer doesn't even know you exist, man.
- Don't be a hero. - No.
No, no.
Shit!
Rest in peace, Mr. Lincoln.
You're a kind man and a damn good bus driver.
You just drive over Mr. Lincoln?
Ah, there's a chance, yeah.
Alright, quick, grab me some Coke and some Mentos.
What the fuck?
Where am I supposed to get that from?
I don't know, just do it!
Shit!
Here.
Nice!
Shit!
Alright, grab the wheel, grab the wheel!
Fuck, no! I'm not grabbing the fucking wheel!
Yeah, you're gonna grab the wheel.
I need to get closer to the van.
Get me closer.
I'm going!
Out of the way!
Oh, fuck!
What the fuck, Neil!
Are you fucking crazy?
Fuck!
Shit!
Please be okay.
I just don't have time to look for a new best friend right now.
You're a hero!
Yeah, that's my best mother fuckin' friend!
Way to go, bro!
You're the man, Neil!
You saved me, Neil.
You know my name.
Of course, I do.
I've had my eye on you for a while.
You give me butterflies.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Me? - You.
Now kiss me...
...and...
...and simultaneously finger me.
Your wish is my command.
Perfect!
Can you please fucking knock?
Jesus!
Relax needle dick.
I just need to borrow your charger.
No, you're not gonna borrow it, you're gonna fucking steal it.
Virgin!
Can you... you just...
Mom, can I please get my own bathroom?
It's like Neil's fucking cum cave in there.
First day of school, are we all excited?
Yeah, extremely.
Dad, can you please fix the lock on the bathroom?
And Mom, Jaclyn keeps losing her chargers and stealing mine.
I will get the door fixed today, I hope.
Yeah.
Oh, Mom, I'm spending the night at Madison's tonight.
Oh, yeah, can you rephrase that as a question, please?
And we don't eat this as a...
May I please sleep over at Madison's?
You may.
Excuse me?
Breakfast is served.
Here we go, come on.
Wait.
Waffles again?
Oh, man, I've got cacao banana and saffron blueberry.
I'm good, Dad.
- Dad, I'm good. - Oh, they're tasty.
Dad, Daddy, I'm good, too.
- I don't want waffles again. - No, no, no, nobody's good.
We're gonna sit down together
and eat your father's delicious breakfast as a family.
Let's go.
I mean even if it's only for five second,
that's what we're doing. Understand?
- Okay, Mom. - Yes.
- Alright, alright. - Okay, good.
Yes.
- Here you go, dear. - Thank you.
You know this is really nice...
I gotta go.
I really gotta go.
I'm sorry, I'm gonna miss the bus.
Do you remember where you put my bike?
- I stuck it in the garage... - Thank you, Dad.
- Okay, thank you, - Love you, Mom.
- Okay, love you guys! - Love you, too.
I have five seconds.
Wait!
You can find me, come on.
Morning, Neil!
Still riding the bus, huh?
Yeah, keeping you employed, Mr. Lincoln.
Looks good, can I have some?
Um, alright.
I guess.
Hey!
Thank you. Bye, sweetie.
Oh, my God.
It's gonna be amazing.
I know.
Remember it is your senior year,
so we are helping raise money for the Shape-A-Wish Foundation.
Please speak to me if you would like to make a contribution
or raise your hand if you have any questions.
Love the enthusiasm.
Just a dying child.
I'd say one thing I'd wish for is for high school
to finally be over.
Yeah, you should make the wish at eleven-eleven,
save us all from this misery.
Ionic bonds are the kind of bond,
the kind of chemical bond...
Why would I waste my time doing that?
Why not?
I know this kid in, uh, Cambodia.
He actually wished for his village to have
clean drinking water.
It came true.
So if anyone makes a wish at eleven-eleven,
it just comes true...
What the hell are we all still doing here?
Well, maybe some of us are here to learn, Neil.
Are you getting something from this?
Covalent bonds,
you don't have to worry about using your math skills.
There is a catch, though.
What?
The universe has to agree with your wish.
Something that only lasts for about twenty-four hours.
Everything resets the very next night at eleven-eleven.
Complex acids are the ones you want to stay away from.
Those are the ones that are going to burn your face off.
Look it up, man.
Google don't lie.
Binary acid...
Sorry I'm late.
Thank you, Summer.
Back there, please.
Combined together,
they are dangerous and they smell really bad.
So you guys are both invited to my birthday party tomorrow.
- Awesome, you look nice. - Thanks.
...on page 340, we'll be looking at the evolution...
- 'Sup, guys. - What's up?
Yo.
So did you hear your girl Summer is having a party this weekend?
- Everyone's talking about it. - Mm-hmm.
Hey, Madison.
- Hi. - How you doing?
I might have heard something about that, yeah.
So are you gonna go?
Not invited... yet.
Yeah.
Why don't you just ask,
because I did and I got a pineapple.
I'll think about it.
Neil, she might actually like you.
But how would you know?
You've literally never talked to her before
or made any contact whatsoever.
What's the worst you think could happen?
That's actually really good advice.
I'm gonna take your advice.
Maddy, would you like to my girl for cuffing season?
You wish.
Yeah, she wants me.
Oh, my God.
You know I hate to agree with Jaclyn, but she's right, man.
Just do it.
I'm serious, just go over there and ask.
Let's just try it, me and you.
We've got this.
No, I'm not gonna go over there and ask her for anything.
Come on, man.
I'm... I'm dead serious.
Come on, come on, Neil.
Come on, come on, you've got to take the risk.
No, dude, what am I gonna say to her?
Neil, you're over thinking it.
Just breathe, just breathe.
I can't, I have nothing to say.
I think I...
Uh, hey, Summer.
Yes.
Uh, my friend Neil would like to ask you a question.
Okay.
Um, I... I was just gonna say...
Oh, my...
So, Ava, do you want to be my girl for cuffing season?
I don't want to see anyone right now.
Yeah, I know, but Gilbert's here.
Great, I said I don't want to see anyone right now...
Too bad now, I'm already here.
See ya later, guys.
Looking good, Mrs. Tobbler.
I don't feel like dancing.
That's right, good dance!
I can't do it, man.
I can't go back to school.
And left.
I need to go in like the witness protection program or something
and get a new identify.
I can't... I can't handle it.
You've got this.
Well look, as your real friend,
quite frankly, your only friend.
You're not my only friend.
Alright now.
Who's your other friend?
Uh, Brad.
- Brad from preschool? - Yeah.
Yeah, cool, so as your only friend I'm always gonna keep it
a hundred, man.
I'm not gonna act like today wasn't actually rock bottom,
which it was.
I mean, I'm actually here on suicide watch.
I don't want to see you hang yourself with some
plastic bag from the ceiling fan or some shit.
I've seen that shit on YouTube.
That shit ain't pretty.
Appreciate it.
You're... you're really helping me to feel better.
What's the one thing we learned from eighteen "Rocky" movies?
Um, Rocky never threw up on his dream girl?
No.
It's not about how hard you get hit.
It's about how quick you get back up.
And move, and move.
You are excellent!
This is too hard a hit to come back from, man.
I'm never gonna get invited to a party now.
No.
I'm not gonna get invited anywhere near her ever again
most likely, like ever.
Ever's a long time. Not ever.
No, like for eternity, like ever.
Come on, man, no.
No, like the afterlife and thereafter.
- No. - Yeah.
Come on, team!
No!
That's what I'm saying, yeah.
It can't be that bad, man. No.
Yes, it's that bad.
- Yes. - No.
- Yeah. - No.
- Yes. - Yeah, you're probably right.
You guys should ache.
It's bad.
Every time I see my neighbour, he's in a different Porsche
with a different woman.
That is a lot of ass for one man.
Damn.
I just can't compete with guys like Chad and Matt.
We have different market shares.
They... they get hot girls
and I get passwords to Premium Pornhub.
What you need to do is you need to stop being stingy
and pass us some Pornhub, because I want to watch
Premium porn, too.
That's so surprising.
I just wish someone thought I was cool.
Did you ever think your life would be... would be different
if you were...
...Bill Gates' or Steve Jobs' son,
like, someone that mattered in the universe or...
or actually did cool shit.
Th... that's your problem.
It's not always about the money, Neil.
Although,
if we're talking about it,
I would like to be Elon Musk's son.
That's what I'm saying.
I'd even suck your dick if it meant I could be his son.
Like that's my level of commitment, man.
So you think there is an actual scenario
where you sucking my dick will lead to Elon Musk
being your father?
I don't know, man.
The universe works in mysterious ways.
Never underestimate the power of a good dick suck.
I think we both spent most of our lives thinking about
the power of a good dick suck.
You mean like giving one?
'Cause that's not what I'm talking about.
See it's not the same thing.
See I don't think we're on the same page.
No, I don't think I would know how to give one, honestly.
My dentist says I gag too easily, anyway.
Can I be honest with you, man?
What's that?
Summer and I would be lucky to suck your dick.
I mean it.
Thank you.
If it were up to me, I would knight you,
and then suck your dick.
You know what?
I was thinking that we'd go to this really nice
fast food restaurant.
- Good night. - Good night.
You know how I like seafoods.
Today was kind of a rough day,
but hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Neil, wake up!
Neil, you're gonna be late for school!
Neil!
Yeah, you have something like truffles and fish
Hmm.
- Uh, see ya kid. - Have a great day!
Wait!
Frienemies, who, when you're down, ain't your friend
Dude, I barely slept last night.
I feel like a dumb ass moron piece of shit loser
who should just off himself.
Cool story, bro.
Gilbert, where you going?
What the fuck?
Fuck!
Sweet baby Jesus!
Mm.
Okay.
- Hey, Neil. - Hey, man.
Hey.
How are you?
Hello.
Hey, how's it going?
Hey, man.
What's up, guys?
- Yo man. - Hi.
Hello.
Gilbert,
you're never gonna believe this,
'cause it's fucking crazy,
but I'm Neil.
Yeah, and I'm fucking Chris Rock, man.
Now dude, I'm serious, I'm Neil.
And I'm for real I'm Biggie Smalls.
I'm not fuckin' around, Gilbert.
I'm Neil.
Yeah, I'm fuckin' James Brown back from the dead.
Get the fuck outta here, man.
I would like to knight you and then suck your dick.
It will be my honour.
Go ahead, ask me any question that only Neil would know
the answer to.
Yeah, but it wouldn't even matter...
- 'cause you don't know shit. - I do.
You're not gonna know any of these fuckin' answers, man.
- I know everything about you. - Alright, fine.
What's the all time beat off record?
Eleven and a half times.
Lucky guess.
My first crush.
Sadly, it's my mom.
Yeah, it... it's wrong,
because it's Neil's mom.
That's my mom.
Neil's mom actually wants to have a threesome
with me and Neil's dad.
Next fucking question.
If I were to make a rap group, what would be the name of it?
The Beverly Gil Billies.
Name my solo artist.
G-String Fully Unloaded.
My favourite country to travel to.
The Italian section of Pornhub.
Who did I lose my virginity to?
Neil can draw.
Okay.
He-he's basically like Picachio or some shit.
Yeah, it's true, Picasso, so.
Whatever, whatever.
Draw me.
What do you mean, draw you?
Prove to me that you're Neil.
Draw me like Jack and I'll be your Rose.
- What, like in Titanic? - Yeah, like Titanic.
- You've never seen Titanic. - It doesn't matter.
I've seen her titties.
That's all that matters.
Okay, so you want me to paint your titties.
- Want me to draw your titties? - If that's what it takes.
Gilbert!
Have you seen Neil today?
He didn't show up at school.
Who the fuck are you, petterass?
This is really fuckin' weird.
Um, don't be jealous.
You can be next if you want to be.
- I am not jealous. - You just gotta ask.
Get up.
- What the fuck are you doing? - Leave me the fuck alone.
You're fuckin' letting a complete stranger draw you.
What...
I mean it's like looking in a mirror.
Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder,
'cause that looks nothing like you.
Why... why can't you just appreciate good art?
Like what... what is your problem?
Wait, wait, we can compare the drawings.
Com... compare the drawings with...
Yeah.
Do you think you're on CSI or some shit?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
No, do you think that you look like a drawing or some shit?
Um, I sure do.
Um...
We're not... we're not looking in my iPad.
It's just a quick scan, alright?
- It's my brother's iPad. - Final test, I promise.
You know I'm sensitive about my work.
It's my brother's iPad, so I can look at it if I want.
It's my iPad.
Why do you...- Seriously, get...
Oh...
- You're not touching my iPad. - Stranger Danger!
God!
Fuck!
Fine, quick scan only.
Yep.
- That is what I plan to do. - Jesus!
Oh, wow, who is that?
"The water is so nice and hot."
- "So is my pussy." - "So is my pussy."
Wow.
"Take this Game of thrones!"
"And after I want game of bones."
The fuck?
"I'm coming for your planet, hero!"
"I'm gonna own your face dickhead."
"Hope your dickhead owns my face, Neil."
Creative.
- "Be careful with my pussy." - That's cute.
Doesn't that kind of look like...
Fuck, it does.
Do you believe me?
Are we on the same page?
Can you help me out?
Alright, just making an Insta profile for you, man.
We've got to keep striking while the iron is hot.
What's your cool new name for social purposes?
Don't say Neil.
What's wrong with Neil?
Well, it's nerdy.
You know, it doesn't really fit with the image right now.
No, it does not.
Give me a name, I need a name.
- Greg. - No.
- Vincent. - No.
- Arnold. - No.
- Hernandez. - No.
- Fred. - No.
- You're Ace. - Ace.
No, Ace is terrible.
No, no it's not.
Like Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
The greatest film of all time.
What are you talking about?
Listen, I'll cover for you with Mom and Dad
until we figure out whatever the fuck is happening
to your body.
Well, my future girl, Ava, has a gig at the Rusty Records
in an hour.
Yeah.
Stalker.
Well, Summer will probably be there, too.
Really?
Mm, yeah come on,
we've got to get you some new clothes,
because right now you're a ten in two's clothing.
Who do you think you are, Anna Wintour?
Who the fuck is that?
Yo, yo, this is your boy Gilbert and I'm here to introduce
my new best friend, Ace, the actor, the model,
the artist.
Yo, Ace tell the people about it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Me... me and Gilbert, we've been best friends since
forever and...
Yeah, so what did you even wish for?
Second chance with Summer.
Second chance?
Well, what kind of soft basic shit is that?
You guys could help yourself to some gum or water or Binaca.
Are you famous, by the way?
No, man. No, I'm not.
Yeah, yeah, I'm not talking to you, pal.
You have the face of someone who's not famous.
I'm talking to your hot friend over there,
that white, steamy cream puff next to you.
No, me? No, no.
No, I'm not famous.
Well, you could be.
I'm not gay, but my girlfriend and I are looking
for a third, so.
Face like that...
...booty!
What so, I... I don't have that look, bro?
Yeah, you have a face, but it's like a,
like a moon pie.
- Now he's calling you slow. - Is he paid to be disrespectful?
Are you two being helped?
Uh, no, no, we're just... we're just browsing for right now
looking for some cool tees, maybe some ripped jeans.
Nice, nice.
Need help being styled?
Uh, yeah, yeah, that'd great.
I'm... I'm super new to all this.
Yeah? What did you just start modeling or something?
- Uh, yeah. - Oh.
Yeah, but we're, uh, trying to change this into acting 'cause
our fan base is so up our ass about it, you know.
Yeah, no, I bet.
Um...
I would be, too.
Who you with?
Uh, well, I basically just got offered a hand job from a guy
who sells ball trimmers outside. I wouldn't say I'm "with" him.
Like, I mean, he's cool or whatever,
but I don't really know him like that for him to be, you know,
jerking me off.
Yeah, you're funny, man.
What is this guy, like your agent or something?
Uh, no.
Uh, he actually, no, yeah, yeah, he's my manger.
Um, we're shopping for an agency right now.
You know, doing the whole Hollywood water bottle meet
and greet thing.
Right.
Yeah, you know, it's such a small community.
Yeah, no, no, I know, I know.
I'm part of the community also.
I mean, look at me, you know.
But, uh, hey, you guys know who Victoria V is, though, right?
Yeah, but I mean we basically share a Pilates instructor, man.
Yeah, I love Victoria.
She's a great gal.
Oh, then you probably already know about her very exclusive
party she's having at her place.
Hot models, and, uh, look I hate to sound crass, but it's a fact,
a lot of wild, dirty sex happening.
The password to get in, Fuckingham Palace.
Sold.
Sweet! You on Insta?
I'll tag you on the invite, put you on the guest list,
otherwise, like, a thousand bucks per person to get in.
Yeah, we're... we're actually about to go see
my girl real quick, but, uh, if anything, just invite me.
Send me the invite, too.
You know, we'll... we'll meet up with you,
we'll have some fun.
- You know what I'm saying? - You can be his plus one, yeah.
Plus...? Yeah, no, that's cool. Yeah.
Ava, you were amazing.
You killed it.
- Thank you. - Beautiful.
Yeah, for real.
What she said, man.
I'm gonna need some lessons from you one day.
Alright babe, I'll see you...
Fantastic, babe.
- Seriously. - Thank you!
- Good job. - Thanks.
- Oh, you did so good! - Thank you, babe!
Hey, great job.
Some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, aren't you friends with pukey?
Oh, you mean Neil?
I don't know his name.
Yeah, no one, no one knows that was his name.
Yeah, right?
Guy was a loser.
Good night, thanks.
What's up? I'm, uh, I'm Chad.
Uh, hi. Oh!
I'm... Ace.
Like Ace Ventura.
Oh, yeah. I love that band.
Are you guys, uh, are you friends with this guy?
We're best friend, actually, so you can ease up.
- Wait, excuse me? - What?
- What did you say? - What did you hear?
Alright.
- You ready? - No.
- Good luck. - Good luck.
I'm... A... ss...
Ass?
Did your parents hate you or something?
No.
Um, sorry, sorry.
I don't know what just happened to my brain.
- Um. - Um.
My name's Ace.
Ace.
Like the movie.
Yeah, like the movie.
Well, I'm Summer, like the season.
Hi.
- Nice to meet you. - Good to meet you, Summer.
You know, Ava, I always thought you were cute, by the way.
Really? Why is that?
Well, are you a good kisser,
because that would definitely make you cute in my book.
Are you guys doing anything after the show or this...
this weekend, or?
Well, um, it's actually my birthday.
My parents are out of town, so I'm throwing myself a party.
- You? - Happy birthday!
Oh, thanks.
Um, I'm not, I'm not doing anything.
Really?
Nothing in particular, no.
Hmm.
So I was thinking about my favourite sexual positions today.
That's too much.
Sounds like time well spent.
Well, you know, it's all situational for me really.
I mean, do I have all the time in the world
or am I trying to get it after a bad date?
Okay.
If it's a bad date, why are you trying to get it in?
Uh, 'cause my dick never has a bad date.
Well, it was nice to meet you.
Yeah, um, Summer, um, do you by any chance have an extra invite
to your party this weekend?
An invite?
Yeah.
Um, you... you seem cool and it would be great
to stop by, right?
Yeah, maybe. Unfortunately, we are at max capacity
for the party.
I could put you on a waiting list.
Yeah, yeah, o... okay. Um, yeah, it's...
I'm fucking with you.
I'm sorry.
I have one left.
Uh, I hope to see you at my party, Ass.
I'm a nice ass.
- I got it! - You got it.
- I got it! - Who got it?
- I got it! - And I got it.
- I got it! - We got it.
- Who got it? - We got it.
- Uh-huh!
- Oh, I got the invitation. - Yeah, that's right.
Huh!
- We got the invitation. - Invitation!
Nice work my dude.
What's your long-term plan?
Well, that's the Uber guy right that.
Wait, what do you mean long-term plan?
Yes, I'm not saying I still have a lot to learn,
but can I let you in on a little secret?
No, because you're just gonna tell me anyway.
Go ahead and tell me.
Hey there, handsome.
Look, Neil, girls want to fuck just as badly as we do.
And you know this how?
It's actually sexist to think some shit like that.
Alright, sexism is a real issue.
Okay, I consider myself to be a proud feminist.
Good God!
Alright, do you-are you circling the block or some shit?
Are you stalking us?
You got a problem with my five star Uber driving?
No, I have a problem with your attitude.
Can I have a private conversation
with my friend, please?
Yes, by all means.
Go ahead.
So I consider myself to be a proud feminist.
Yeah, I know, me too.
I love my family.
I... I love women.
I love girls, I respect them.
You know I have a healthy relationship with my mom
and my psycho sister, and sometimes I wish that
I was a woman, so I could help fight feminism from the inside.
Okay, did you know that woman still make seventy-seven cents
to the man's dollar?
Yes.
Think about that shit.
How would you feel being short changed by twenty-two cents?
Twenty-three, genius.
See, even worse.
Be the new super cool, non-sexist dude.
Your wish came true, man.
You finally have a second chance to step up and take a shot.
You got the invite, baby!
Yeah, I got the invite.
I got... This is all I wanted. I got it.
Oh, my God.
Summer's obviously into you
and you're lacking confidence right now.
That's fine, that's fine,
'cause it all comes from practice.
Look it up, Malcolm Gladwell.
You have to bang 10,000 chicks in order to feel comfortable
having sex with Summer.
Ten...
But we need Viagra, 'cause we're pressed on time right now.
We need Viagra to bang 10,000 chicks.
- Yes, 10,000 chicks. - 10,000 chicks.
Do you think LeBron James or Tom Brady show up
to the championship game and hope to win?
Or, they fuck people up all season?
No.
You need to think of Victoria's party as your season and Summer
as your Super Bowl, and you have ten hours to fuck up Chad
and win that pussy ring.
Great, got it!
How am I supposed to fuck up Chad?
I take the school bus.
I've got that covered, man.
Can I help you out with something?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, I've got to get to work soon, so let's hear it.
Oh, wh... what do you do?
I sell Porsches.
You a detective?
Look... look, I know you're a very busy man.
You know Porsches to sell, pussies to pop.
I get that, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Alright, my handsome friend here, he's your new neighbour
and we notice you seem to have unlimited access
to the sexiest cars.
And we really need one for one wicked night
of partying we got set up for tonight.
And you know what they say, sexy wheels, sexy heels.
"Sexy wheels, sexy heels."
Uh, you funny, man.
So I guess you're the one with the pretty face that
keeps the girls coming and then, uh, you keep 'em around
with the funny one liners, huh?
- That's the idea. - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, you know, when you're handsome as hell like us,
you don't need corny jokes.
Alright, Jimbo?
Jimmy.
Time is money and money is sweet like honey,
so let's talk some rides, guys.
Now, I can take you boys to the dealership.
We're gonna do everything on the up where I gotta run
your credit check, make sure you're over 25,
see what's available on the lot, yada-yada-yada.
Or, if this little baby's giving you bedroom eyes,
we can settle everything right here, right now,
off the books.
No, this car is perfect.
She purrs, and she bites,
but you know what she does best?
She makes them panties drop.
We on the same exact page, man.
I get exactly what you're saying, my friend.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
We are reading the same page here,
like it's our homework assignment
and it's due tomorrow, and we're gonna turn it in,
send it off.
Stop.
She's got 430 horsepower,
or as I like to call it, horsecockpower.
You know what makes the ladies really excited?
What, respect and equal pay?
Fuck, no!
Press this button right here, takes you to sports mode.
It's like two beautiful legs opening right up,
clearing you for expedited first class entry.
Please remember to fasten your seat belts
before take off, gentlemen.
- Oh, fuck, yeah! - No, no, no, no, no.
Can we just slow down a little bit?
Let's not, uh, uh, uh...
Hey, check the torque on her.
This was fucking crazy.
Yeah. Hangin', bro?
- Yep. - Where'd your friend go?
Shit!
Ace, you alright, man?
I think so.
Well, then come on, man,
'cause time is money and money is sweet like honey,
so hop on over here, 'cause it's not funny.
Really sorry about this.
So, how much you got?
How much what?
What? Money?
Yeah, cash.
Yeah, on your person.
$50 only, but I seem to have misplaced my wallet.
I just can't find it at the moment.
Oh-oh, you, sir, are no liar.
How did you do that?
So I'm gonna level with you guys.
Believe it or not, I wasn't always this cool.
Do you think I would have as many women as I do
if I didn't have access to all the Porsches?
Yes.
Exactly right, because I've worked hard at it.
I've trained, I've put in the time.
You see, practice not only makes perfect,
it makes panties drop.
It's like you're in my brain, man.
Does everything make panties drop?
How about you, cheekbones?
What you got?
I don't think I... I don't think I have any ca...
Ah, maybe $20?
Am I standing on a street corner wearing a tight black dress
and some red bottoms?
N... no.
Then stop trying to fuck me.
Do you guys have, like, a car you can loan me
as collateral?
Oh, no, that would be a negative.
Then get the fuck out of here!
If you see me in the street, don't look at me.
Just look down starting now.
Get out!
Wait.
What's this party about?
Can... can we look up now?
Yeah, yeah, you can look up.
Um, it's this lady Victoria.
Man, I mean, she's having a party at Fuckingham Palace.
It's supposed to be crazy, man.
A thousand dollars per person.
A thousand dollars ain't cheap.
We're getting in for free.
You know, VIP, you know.
'Cause of me.
Hmm.
Right.
Fuck it.
Alright, my depressingly poor amigos.
For a mere $70 bucks,
you guys just got my Seven-Eighteen Boxster GTS
for the night.
- Let's go! - Sweet!
On one condition, I'm going to the party with you,
just to, you know, make sure she's okay and stuff.
Who's she?
The Porsche, moron.
Alright, so here's the plan.
At 7:00 pm tonight, you're gonna meet me
at Food Mart around the corner, okay?
You're gonna go inside, gonna get an extra large
black cherry Slurpee.
I'll be waiting for you right there with the car.
These Viagras better work, man.
You know old guys take Viagra to have sex
like guys our age, right?
The only pill I need right now is Advil because my head
is killing me.
Look, the more you think about it, the more it hurts.
Alright, you feel what you attract.
Perception is everything.
I'm not attracting a headache.
I hit the shit out of my head.
- Do you want me to rub it? - Yeah.
Let's get these dick pills, alright?
How did you meet this guy again?
On Fortnite.
He's like the Dan Bilzerian of the school, man.
Enter, it's open.
Is that G-money I hear behind me?
Is that J-sizzle I see about to snipe some poor biatches?
Gilbert?
Come here, man.
Let this big bear get his paws on ya.
You look different than I imagined.
Uh, yeah.
Nah, man, you too.
You... you look healthy.
Thanks man.
I bought an Apple watch.
Helps me to keep track of my steps, so.
It's still in the box.
It's pretty cool.
Hey, this is Vanessa, the love of my life.
Oh, they don't mind.
Who is thi handsome devil?
What, are you friends with an actual walking sex stick?
Thanks.
It's good to...
Thanks for having us.
You are a gentleman and a scholar, sir.
You're a prince in an alley, Gilbert.
Guys, come on in, have a seat.
So, to what do I owe this gracious visit
from my favourite Fortnite compatriot?
Hey, man, like I said, my Viagra girl,
she went MIA on me, man.
What's her name?
I probably know her.
Uh, it's, uh... Victoria?
- Victoria V. - Dope shit!
You know she supplies my guy.
She throws like the craziest, most legendary parties.
Hey, man, let me ask you something.
What's it like to go through life knowing everyone
wants to fuck you?
I... I wouldn't say it's, uh, everyone.
Pretty sure it is everyone.
Not everyone comes up to me and says they want to fuck me.
I bet if I did a straw poll in this house,
it would be everyone.
Um...
So I keep the drugs in the bedroom.
Why don't we continue this negotiation in there, alright?
Shall we? Let's do it.
Gentlemen, milady.
So, the pills are right there.
You guys could just grab a vile and you should be all set.
Thank you so much, J.
How much do we owe you for this?
Aw, your money's no good here.
It's on the house.
We were wondering, though, if maybe we could ask you guys
for a favour in return?
Yo, anything, man.
Just ask.
- Not anything. - Shut up.
We think you guys are really cute.
Do you guys think that we're cute?
- Yeah. - Uh-huh.
How... how do you...
If you don't mean it, it's okay.
You guys are cute as fuck.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Are you sure? - No...
You sure you're not just saying that?
No, no. I-I mean, um, 'cause with...
Ace?
Yeah, yeah.
No, you guys are super cute.
You guys, uh, you've... you've good chemistry and... and...
and you guys, you know, you feed off of each other.
You're comfortable in your own skin together,
so that's... that's always a plus.
- That's awesome. - Hmm.
So Vanessa and I are gonna make love now
and we'd love for you guys to just be around.
You know, feel free to hop in or do whatever's comfortable.
You know, have a seat, take a load off.
Yeah, positive vibes only, okay?
- Um... - Um...
Great!
Alexa, play my sex jams.
Playing sex jams.
What the fuck is happening right now?
This is college.
Hey!
Give me your hand.
Come on.
Press your palm against my palm.
Timothée Chalamet.
Come on.
You've been summoned.
Yes, that's great.
Family style, over here.
Let's cross fingers.
Let's cross fingers, family style.
Bro, you've been summoned, join us.
Come on.
Mm.
That should do it.
Thanks so much, boys for stopping by.
That's what we call a win-win, you know.
We take this to our graves.
Take what?
Exactly.
I just don't know about this guy.
What if he doesn't show?
Neil, he's your neighbour, alright?
He's, at the very least,
a very financially stable homeowner,
not just some random dude we met playing video games
with alright?
Plus he's normal, he's cool, he's handsome,
and you shouldn't be questioning shit with a $20 investment.
The cashier seems to have taken a real liking to us.
He's probably wondering what a healthy stud like you
is even doing here.
None of this shit is organic.
Nice.
Come on, let's go.
How you doing?
Get this real quick?
Time to separate the men from the boys.
Okay.
Alright, it's go time, boys.
Let's do this.
Give me all the money out of your register now.
Give me all the money out of the register!
- Now, motherfucker! - Fuck!
You made me sound like Samuel Jackson.
- Jimmy? Jimmy? - What, chubby?
What am I supposed to do with the bags?
Just hold on to it for a second, goddamn, man.
Your move, Apu.
That's... that's racist.
That ain't racist, that's his name, man.
His mama named him that.
Look at all this.
Rob the motherfucker.
You know them gas prices is high as hell, man.
Alright, start the car.
Let's go!
The Skittles, nigg...
Man, come here.
- Why is this bag so big? - Shut up, man!
'Sup with all these questions?
Alright, go.
Get outta here.
Wait, wait, wait, there's more money.
There's more money.
Come help, we're a bout to be rich.
Oh, shit!
What the fuck?
Who pokes eyes?
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
What the fuck!?
I don't want my fingerprints on this shit either.
Press the gas!
Fine!
What the hell is wrong with you, man?
You never drive before?
I just got my permit, man!
Oh, fuck!
Oh...
Wait!
Gilbert!
Wait, Gilbert!
What the fuck you doing?
- I can't leave Neil, man. - Why?
He's my best friend and I love him.
Oh, my...
- I love him, man. - Stop saying that.
We're not stopping.
Wait, guys... No, no, no, no, no, no!
Pop the trunk!
Pop the trunk.
Well, how do I do that?
Pop the trunk!
Wait!
I'll kill you, motherfuckers!
Whoo!
What a rush!
Looks like we have another one gone wild.
Go figure.
It must be all the fresh pizza and chicken wings.
Drop your weapon and get down on the ground, sir!
- Do it now! - No, no, no, no.
They robbed me.
You should be chasing that Porsche.
Yeah, I'm sure guys in Porsches rob shitty Food Marts
all the time.
It makes perfect sense.
Get down on the ground, shitbag!
Do it, now!
I'm still failing to understand what the problem is here.
Okay, for starters, how about the fact that you didn't tell us
we were going to be robbing a fucking Food Mart.
Okay, first of all,
Food Marts get robbed all the damn time, alright?
That's the price of selling cheap shit,
and being on every block.
Secondly, I didn't plan this.
It's just, like, you know, it's a spontaneous thing.
I'm a spontaneous dude.
I knew y'all was broke,
so I went in and got y'all some money.
What's wrong with that?
So you just happened to carry a mask and...
and a gun on you?
See this gun, fake!
Man, what are you doing?
Okay.
And I wear the mask sometimes 'cause, you know,
chicks like it.
I'm a freak.
You realize the cops are gonna be looking for us, right?
'Cause our faces are on that camera,
not Mister Ski Mask over here.
Okay, you shouldn't be concerned with any of that shit.
I should be.
Alright, you're good.
You're fine with this?
You're fine with the scenario the way that all this shit
went down?
Neil, I wasn't gonna leave you, man.
I came back for you, ma... Jimmy, tell him.
Yeah, I wanted to leave you.
I thought you was dead weight.
But he love you, so I was like, alright.
- I love you, man. - Don't do that.
- I love you, man. - You don't love me.
- Yes, I do. - You don't love me.
- Don't... - Neil, I fuckin' love you, man!
Don't abuse that word, man.
Look, is this "The Notebook"?
Well, y... you wanted the Porsche.
You wanted the Porsche, so we got you the Porsche.
- I don't care about... - You wanted to be like Chad.
- So I got you a Porsche. - Porsche, baby.
It's a clean ass Porsche.
No, I don't care about the Porsche.
Who doesn't want a Porsche?
I never cared about the Porsche.
No one cares about the Porsche.
You saying you don't want this Porsche?
I want a Porsche.
In order to have intercourse, you've got to have a Porsche.
I didn't want the dick pills.
And I definitely don't want to go to jail
for robbing fucking Food Marts.
All I wanted was a pineapple invitation
and to go to Summer's party.
Alright, we all got that.
So me, you and Jimmy, we can all roll right now
in the Porsche.
I... I even held your weird friend's hand while he orgasmed.
Hold his hand when he was whatin'?
Hey, man, will you...
I was in there with you.
Neil, you don't got to say that shit around him.
I never would have puked on Summer if it weren't for you.
I was just trying to help you.
Alright, this happens at my dealership all the time.
It's called a breakdown of communication.
That's what's happening right now with you guys, okay?
A great way to solve it is just by being nice to each other.
Make up, okay?
I'm... I'm good. I'm done.
Do you want me to shoot him?
Looks like you're my VIP customer of the night.
Where's your friend, the crazy one?
Fuck him.
Y'all pretty tight, huh?
Yeah, that's my best friend.
Or was... I guess.
Man, real best friends fight and make up all the time, man.
Y'all'll be back, trust that.
Yeah.
Want to loosen up a little bit before we, uh,
hit this party, though?
Born ready, man.
Hey, how's the party? What's going on?
Mm.
Hey, you wanna dance?
It's alright, not too crowded yet.
Is Chad there?
Oh, I said no gifts!
Yes.
And I would advise bringing her a gift.
Chad is bringing his A game.
Of course he is.
What do I get her?
Something simple, cute.
Bring her a pocket dildo.
N... I'm not gonna get her a dildo, Jaclyn.
Okay, bye.
I gotta go.
Hey, I'm gonna grab something from the store.
I'll be right back.
Cool, I'll be out here having fun pumping gas.
- Hey. - Hey.
Can I get thirty on seven and a pack of menthols, please?
How you doing?
Good, you?
Shitty, we had a Food Mart hit down the street.
You guys got any suspects?
We've got video footage.
Some handsome motherfucker, his fat friend, and here.
Guy, that's my dog.
We've got video footage. That's Tommy Lee Jones, yeah.
He's cute. A little excited, ain't he?
Yeah, that's him and I in Ramerwood.
It's a Chinese restaurant.
- What are you doing? - Don't worry.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Oh, my God, no, no, no!
Don't do it, don't do it!
What? Why?
I'm already committed here if you can't tell.
No, I'm... I'm trying to help you.
It's my first time.
They say the first time's the hardest.
No, no, no, wait.
There's a cop at the register. Seriously, don't do it.
Stop fuckin' with me, man.
Do you think this is easy?
You should try it, dip shit.
I'm... I'm not... I've...
That's the video.
These motherfuckers robbed a Food Mart in a Porsche.
Who robs a Food Mart in a Porsche?
Nobody does.
It smells fishy.
We think it's an inside job.
Let me get two ring pops for my buddy the Ramrod.
- What the... - Don't make me do it!
Okay, drop the gun now!
No.
Drop the gun.
I'm gonna shoot him.
No, you're not.
Yeah, I am and... and then, and then who knows.
That shit ain't gonna work like you think.
Drop... the gun!
You drop your gun!
No!
I'm gonna shoot him, man.
You don't know me.
You don't know my capabilities.
Wait a minute, you shut up for a second.
Are you recording this?
Yeah, man.
You guys don't have the best reputation right now.
That's right, Black Lives Matter.
Okay.
Neither of you two are Black.
That's why you haven't shot him yet?
I know yo...
You're the handsome motherfucker from Food Mart.
Dude, dude, we've gotta go!
We gotta go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Whose list are you on?
Uh, that will be Ken, and my name is Ace.
Ace, huh?
Yeah, like... like Ventura.
Alrighty, then!
Welcome, Ace.
Nice car.
It's my weekend whip.
They're good.
And here are your mandatory outfits.
Outfits?
Okay.
Have a good time, gentlemen.
Sushi to go.
Man.
Okay.
Yo, man, this is the shit, man.
What did I tell you?
You told me.
You, uh, told me.
This is it.
Uh, does this seem like a bit of a guy thing to you?
Oh, a guy thing to me is watching football with a beer
in one hand and my nuts in the other,
but I ain't trippin'.
This is my first man on man extravaganza.
You got any friends here?
I don't think so.
Gilbert?
Gilbert!
Shit!
- G Spot! - Hey.
How did I know I'd find you here, you sexy bitch?
Yeah, we had fun today, right?
1Up to you, Justin.
Whoo!
Hey, man, you've got a little thing on your...
Whoa!
Oh!
- What the fuck was that, man? - Relax, dude.
It's just cocaine, full nose candy.
Dude, relax.
Stop being so square.
Come on.
Hey, uh, enjoy yourself, G Spot.
Wait, wait, wait!
Jimmy, where... where you goin', man?
- Come on, dude. - Where you going, Jimmy?
We got to dance, bitch!
Guys, come meet my friend.
Oh!
I'm so glad you made it.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
My pussy and I have been waiting for you.
Well, the wait is over for both of you.
Hey, buddy.
Yeah?
Do you want to hang out sometime?
- Uh... - Here's my card.
It has all my contact info on there.
Oh, and I talked to my girlfriend.
She's down to clown around in threesome town.
She said you could be the mayor.
- Okay. - Cool.
Jaclyn, hey.
Jaclyn?
Hmm?
- Where is she? - No.
No, no.
I need your help.
- Jesus Christ. - Who are you?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Oh, my God.
I completely forgot.
He's...
- Hmm? - Oh.
You could go kiss her now.
Whoa!
Sorry, dude.
Watch your step, man.
My bad.
Oh!
Hey, what's up, Black dude.
How you doing, man?
I'm looking for the fuckin' room.
Any ideas, Lennox Lewis?
What you got there?
Show 'em what you got.
What is that double dickin' it, or jizz in the eye?
Alright, you... can you just support me right now?
What the fuck? I am.
You're not being a good wingwoman at all.
Yes, I am being a good...
That's so mean.
I led you...
Whoo!
Just go dance with her.
She's right fucking there, and she's asking for it.
She wants it.
It's not... No.
Go!
It's not the right time.
It is the right time.
Let me tell you a secret.
It is the right time.
What are you doing?
I'm cueing you.
Hi!
I bumped right... That's so crazy!
I didn't even mean to do that at all.
- Hi. - Hi.
You look so sexy.
Wow.
- Oh, my God. - Thank you.
We should make this thing happen.
- Oh, really? - Oh, we're leaving.
- Alright, I love you. - We'll see you in a while.
- Bye. - Love you!
Hey, Summer.
- Hey! - Hi.
Made it!
Ass?
Um... Ac... actually...
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I know it's Ace.
Oh, yeah.
Good one.
Ass.
Yeah, well, actually I have a... I have the invitation.
I brought it.
And you still have it?
Yeah.
Security didn't take it at the door?
Oh, uh, I didn't... I didn't see security there.
- What- - I'm fucking with you.
There's no security, It's not the airport.
Oh!
You know I think that you're the only person that
has that still.
Oh, uh, it just... it was nice.
Oh, my God, um...
What time is it?
Um, almost nine.
I have to go check the food.
- I'm so sorry. - Um...
Okay.
Stay.
Dance.
- Have fun! - Yeah.
No, I'll keep... I'll keep dancing.
Double dickin' it.
You know these clowns?
I know him.
I know him as Gilbert.
We play Fortnite together.
He's a sweet guy.
He said that you supply him all the time.
Oh, that adds up.
Take the ball gags out of their fucking mouths.
Thank you.
I... I think this is just all a huge misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding?
A misunderstand, no, no, this is not a misunderstanding.
This is a fuck up, that which cannot be un-fucked.
I throw these parties because they cater
to a very specific clientele base.
- The gays? - Yeah.
Gay guys have so much money because all they do
is look amazing, take vacations, fuck, and do drugs.
And I throw these parties knowing I will get back three
or four times the amount I put in as an investment.
It's called an ROI.
And you two fucking clowns thought it would be okay
to come in my house and steal my motherfucking money.
Look, I... I completely understand
where you're coming from, Lady Victoria.
You seem to have a very strong sense of entrepreneurship,
but... but I actually graduate high school pretty soon,
so maybe I can work off that debt.
Shut the fuck up.
- Justin! - Yeah?
Did he just say highschool?
Uh... I wasn't listening,
but I'm sending you my deepest apologies.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Jimmy, I'm keeping your fuckin' Porsche.
You can say goodbye to that pussy magnet.
With all due respect, Miss White Lady,
you can't have my Porsche.
It's a dealership vehicle.
Oh, 'cause it's a dealership vehicle?
Yeah, they'll come after you.
I'll go to fucking Porsche jail?
Give her the Porsche.
- I'm not giving her my Porsche. - Give her the Porsche.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Give her the Porsche.
I ain't giving her no damn Porsche, man.
Then we'll fuckin' die.
If either of you two ever come near me again or ruin
one of my parties, I will personally
be responsible for burning both
of your useless fucking dicks off.
That makes it... that makes it sound like one of you
might have two dicks.
Okay, to clarify, you both have one dick
and I'm burning that dick off.
The keys are in his pocket.
Okay.
Hey!
Hey, Chad.
How you doing, man?
Wh... are you having a good time, Ace, right?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, thanks, man.
Just got here, so.
Listen, um,
You like Summer, right?
Uh, she's... she's cool.
Man, she's beyond cool.
Am I right, Matt?
Like, bro, of course.
We know she your baddy, brah.
- I don't... - Listen, listen.
You know, we're... we're both handsome guys.
We skip dessert every now and then.
No hard feelings.
May the best man win.
What?
Get outta here, man!
You too!
Oh, man!
I cannot go back to work without that Porsche, man.
Why can't you just tell them it was stolen?
Because I've used that excuse like a thousand times.
Bingo, bitch!
How're we gonna get it outta there?
Um...
What are you doing, man?
What are you looking for?
Uh...
This.
Are you sure about this?
You're welcome to call an Uber.
I don't have any fucking pants on.
My phone was in my pants.
Exactly.
Get in.
Fuck!
Oh, God!
This was uh, this was a fucking mistake.
Another fucking condom!
Oh, shit!
What the fuck was that?
Nothing.
I just pooted, man.
Relax.
In my face, man?
We are in a tube of shit.
I can't fuckin' breathe, man!
Come on.
Uh... My back's all fucked up right now.
You know I've got problems with my knees.
- What the fuck? - I know.
- So get rid of it! - I can't!
If I let it go, it's gonna bite the shit out of me, alright.
- Do you want that to happen? - No.
- Do you? - No!
Let's find something to kill it with.
I'll go get the car.
Snake!
Why do I got to keep seeing you? Mm?
What did I say?
Hey!
Why do I have to keep dealing with you and your tiny twin?
Wait, where's your tiny twin?
I killed her.
I fucking killed her, man.
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Stop!
She's fine, alright.
I'm sure this isn't the first time she's been hit
in the head with a fucking shovel.
And what the fuck is your problem, man?
You're the reason why we're even in this shit.
You want to rob people and shit.
You need to stop it, 'cause you're not good at it, Jimmy.
You suck at it, Jimmy.
A thirty year-old grown ass man who lives in his dad's basement.
I've accomplished nothing, literally nothing.
Now I'm sitting here in my boxers
covered in sewage with fucking snake semen in my eyes.
She didn't burn our dicks off.
I think I'm gonna call it a night.
I'm not really in the mood to party.
Do you think I could come inside and take a shower,
borrow some clothes?
Okay.
I have someone else's shit in my ass.
Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
can I get your attention, please?
What do you think?
Let's have a motherfucking dance off!
Boy, you look goofy as hell.
What do you have me wearing?
You look like a 90s lesbian,
like a blackened blueberry.
You wanna play?
Get that, get that.
Yeah, give me all of that.
Oh, got you shawty.
Oh, my God!
Got you shawty.
Yeah.
Why am I going...
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
- ♪ Happy Birthday, dear Jimmy ♪ - Oh, my God.
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
Birthday?
So, how you fellas gonna celebrate this event?
Well, I had this really cool party lined up for tonight.
Oh.
But your son here's playing hardball with me.
It's a high school party.
Hmm.
That's fine.
I was hoping for some father and son time anyway.
You know, I think "Casablanca" is on TCM again.
I could fix some popcorn and s'mores.
We can hang around, you know.
Fuck you, Dad.
Attention Unit 3465, we have reports that a Porsche,
tinted windows, no plate heading westbound,
Highway 84 towards downtown.
Please respond immediately.
Goddamn it!
I'm not even gonna be able to finish my dinner now.
Ooh, this place is nice!
I'll go look for my buddy.
Alright.
Do your thing, man.
Give me that shit.
Hey, man, that's my drink.
Yeah, I know.
I don't want any fights from you.
Yeah, I know.
With your lemon shirt.
Looks like it's your turn, buddy.
Holy shit, boy!
What are you doing?
- We need to do this. - Do what?
- Dance. - Dan...
We're not dancing right now.
Yes, we are dancing right now.
- Yeah, we are. - No, we're not dancing.
- You know why? - Why?
What are they doing?
Always got your back, and you know it, man.
I've got your back.
I've got you.
No, I don't know why you're not there
I give you my love, but you don't care
So what is right and what is wrong?
Give me a sign
What is love?
Oh, baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me, no more
What is love?
Oh, baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me, no more
Lemon.
No, I don't know what can I do?
What else can I say? It's up to you
I know we're one...
I love you, Ace!
I can't go on
What is love?
Why do we not notice him?
Why can't we join in right now?
Ace, go Ace, go Ace...
What is love?
It's not about how hard you get hit.
It's about how fast you get back up.
I'm sorry, pal.
You did you did your best.
Man, I'm just trying to show love, bro.
Hey, funny little dude.
I didn't know you could dance like that.
Yeah, well, there's a lot of things we don't know
about each other, baby.
- I crossed the line. - You absolutely did.
- I can't call you, baby? - You definitely cannot.
You're right.
You're very right.
Can we start over, please?
Sure.
- Gilbert. - Ava.
- Would you like to dance? - Hi.
Have fun.
That was um...
It's was a lot of fun to watch.
Thank... thanks.
Yeah, I've worked on it a lot.
I can tell.
Do you want to dance?
You wa... you want to dance with me?
Yes.
Yeah, just give me one second.
Okay.
Cool.
Where the fuck did that dance routine come from?
Okay, so it's a game me and Neil play.
No, that is something you guys rehearsed.
No, see, no.
Your timing was tight.
I don't want y'all to think we just be in the rooms like...
You guys do that every night before you go to bed.
- 100% right? - No, no, no.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I believe you this much.
You're doing great.
You're doing great!
Sorry it had to be like this, bro.
Oh, my God!
Aw, man, gross!
Are you alright?
- That looked gnarly. - Fuck you, man!
Hey, whoa!
What the hell just happened?
They pushed the porta potty in the pool.
That's a lie.
Did you fuckin' do this, Chad?
What? Why would I do that?
This guy's our good friend,
not to mention hell of a dancer.
Aw, why would you do that?
Oh!
I'm not sorry it had to be like this, bro.
Freak!
This is nasty!
Get out!
Get out of my party right now.
- What the fuck did we do? - Just get out!
Hey, guys, five-O is here!
Five-O!
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Hey! Let's go!
Go!
Come on!
Gilbert, come on!
Oh, shit!
What are we gonna do?
Um, come on.
Come on, come on.
Wait for me, wait for me!
Goddamn it.
I miss high school parties.
Yes!
Let's do this.
That could use some oil.
What the fuck is wrong with the garage door?
Jesus Christ.
Look at these...
Yeah, this is a party.
That was that fat motherfucker from Food Mart.
Right? Right?
Don't you love the sound of those sirens?
Yeah, that's why I'm a cop.
I'm too young to go to jail, man.
Ain't going to jail, not on my watch.
- Want some? - Yeah.
I fuckin' didn't get to finish my shit earlier.
Could I have some of that soda, please?
No.
Oh, hey, did I tell you I was cutting out dairy?
Yeah.
I noticed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You ask for no cheese on the burger.
Yeah, I'm not fuckin' around anymore, man.
Goddamn.
Right? Right?
What the fuck are we gonna do now?
Sorry, kid, shit's about to get real complicated.
I will find them and I will kill them myself.
It's pretty good.
Fuck!
Why would you do that?
What is your problems, man?
There's only one way out of here, man.
We've got to get creative.
What you about to do, dumbass?
I'm sorry.
Yo.
Oh, fuck!
I'm sorry.
- Why? - Why?
- Sorry.
- Why? - Why?
- I don't know, man.
I'm sorry, man.
You just shot me.
- Why? - Shit, I don't know, man.
Why?
Oh, shit!
You happy? We've even now.
Why did you do that?
I don't know, I see why you was screaming.
That shit hurt.
You got to trust me.
Let me do the talking.
Do not say anything to the fucking cops, okay?
I mean this shit hurts, man.
Oh man, I know, nigga!
I just shot me!
I know.
Goddamnit man, I regret this!
Catch!
Sorry, ladies, that concludes the joyride portion
of your evening.
It's time to pay the piper.
Officer, help!
We've just been shot.
We need to go to the hospital.
This... this maniac just went apeshit on us!
Told you, inside job.
You're so good.
Oh, buddy, you know the drill.
Gun down on the ground.
Do it, now!
Lay down, Apu!
Do it, now!
Put the gun on the ground, Apu.
Do it, now!
I got a goddamn headache from that.
Forgot to give Summer her favourite chocolate.
Okay, and who cares?
It's chocolate.
She'll live without it.
Yeah, I guess she will.
What?
Neil, I know girls.
Okay, you know that I know girls.
Summer is a normal, down to earth, girl.
She doesn't give a shit about all the bullshit
you think she cares about.
And, you know what, Neil?
As much as I fuckin' hate saying this, you're kind of funny,
and you're a super-talented pervert,
so just go and fucking talk to her.
No fuckin' way.
Why not? What the fuck is wrong with you?
You've literally been beating off to Summer
for the past five years.
I'm not gonna let you give up now, needle dick.
Go and talk to her.
I'm not going back there.
She's sitting over there with...
with shit in her pool right now.
It's not the right time.
Can I tell you a secret?
The right time is now.
- Jaclyn, stop... - Now!
- I can't hit you back. - Go!
Stop hitting me.
Promise to talk to me, just don't hit me.
Okay, fine.
God.
Just go!
Fuck!
Okay.
Fine!
Alright, see ya later.
Fucking clean up my own party.
Jesus.
Hey!
Can I help you?
No, I live here.
Can I help you?
I... it's just... it's a mess out here,
so I figured you could use some help.
No, I just want to be alone.
Thanks.
I brought you a birthday present.
Those are my favourite.
How'd you know?
Are you stalking me?
Yeah.
No, no.
No, really, I... I mean, like, I've been through your Instagram
and ha-harmless online stuff, but not, uh, not drive-bys
or anything, anything wild.
Okay.
As long as it's just Instagram stalking.
Cheers!
Oh, wow, you got, um,
you've got like a lot of chocolate in your teeth.
Oh!
It kind of looks like you took a swim in my pool, Neil.
Sorry.
What'd you just call me?
Neil.
It's your name, right?
Um...
What's wrong?
What is it?
Nothing, nothing.
Um, no I'm fine.
Mm-kay.
You know what really pisses me off about all of this?
None of this was even for me.
It was for everyone else,
because if it was for me I would have just gone to dinner
with a bunch of friends.
Girls really just have it harder than guys do.
No offense.
Because we're always trying to please people
and avoid the aggressive douchebags like Chad
and this new guy named Ace.
Hmm.
Dick.
I hate dicks, but to be honest with you,
sometimes I wish I had one, a dick, like a bigass dick,
'cause I think that it would just make my life
so much easier.
A bigass dick.
I don't know if you need a... a bigass dick, um.
I hate bigass dicks.
I... I hate dicks in general.
I mean, my crazy sister always says that
her gender's always had it rougher
because historically they've been treated
more poorly, so...
Hmm.
I'm-I'm on your side.
I'm on your team.
Who needs dicks?
It's good to know.
Size doesn't really matter.
Mm.
Are you hungry,
because I know a great place we could go.
- There you guys go. - Yeah, thank you.
And don't forget that catfish jelly is really great on it.
But not too much.
Neil?
Hi!
Hey, Dad.
Um, this... this is Summer.
Hi.
Summer, hey.
Uh, your girlfriend?
Nope, nope, just hanging out.
We've just, uh, we... we just came for food.
Oh... okay.
So a couple of Tobbler Specials for you maybe, huh?
Perfect.
- Sound good? - Great.
Okay.
Oh, and by the way,
I fixed the lock on the bathroom door for you,
so you can stop bitchin' about that.
Cool.
You're gonna get the...
you we're gonna make the waffles, right?
Let me get that, yeah.
- Whenever you get- - SUMMER: Thank you.
Yeah, something special.
- You're gonna love it. - Thank you!
Alright.
Is the bathroom lock like a frequent issue for you?
Oh, no, it's a big problem in my family, yeah.
My dad is the most embarrassing person, uh, in the world.
- He was sweet. He loves you. - His goal. His goal.
Oh, my God, are you kidding?
I wish my parents would embarrass me.
All they want from me is for me to go into medicine,
which is like fifteen years of torture.
So I'm gonna take a year off and travel around the world
and then do the cliché backpacking across Europe
to find myself.
The world?
That, uh, that's... that's ambitious.
Thank God for FaceTime.
Why?
You know, so we can, uh, keep in touch
and look at each other's faces.
Well, what about you?
- With my life? - Yeah.
I... I don't know.
That's so hot.
Nothing gets me going more than a guy with no direction.
Uh, well I got a... I got a scholarship to Cal Arts,
and I, I love to draw, but I just don't... I don't think
I can make money with my style of drawing.
Hmm.
The scholarship is amazing.
Plus I see you drawing on your iPad all the time at school.
You... you notice me drawing?
We've been going to school together for years.
I'm not blind.
Can I see your drawings?
No.
No, I just-I just, I don't show them to anyone,
'cause they're sort of X-rated and they...
they might make me come off as a psycho.
Stop being such a fucking pussy.
Just show it to me.
You'd freak out.
I would not freak out.
You would freak out.
What about me says that I'm gonna freak out?
You promise you won't freak out?
Swear on my life!
Promise, you promise?
Oh, yes, I promise. I promise, I promise, I promise...
Can I ask you a personal question, Jimmy?
Hmm?
What does pussy feel like?
Like putting your dick in some mashed potatoes.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Can I tell you something?
Mm-hmm.
It's been the best birthday I ever had, man.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I've just, uh,
had a crush on you for a... a really...
Neil, just shut up and kiss me and finger me simultaneously.
You're... fucking with me right now.
Yes, I'm fucking with you.
- See I knew that. - You sick porn twisted boy!
I know, I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who the fuck talks like that?
I know, I... didn't, I don't even...
I have never used the word pussy that many times in my life.
Jesus, you really know how to make a girl swoon.
You know I was gonna invite you to my birthday party.
Really?
Yeah.
But then you puked on me in front of everyone, so.
Yeah.
Uh...
Sorry about that.
I actually don't...
I actually don't watch that much porn.
- I just... - You don't?
- No. - Well, 'cause I do.
- You do? - Yeah.
I can give you passwords.
You are so much more fucked up than I thought you'd be.
Which actually makes you kind of...
Kind of... kind of what?
Cool.
I don't understand why I'm the one with handcuffs right now?
I don't see any bullet holes in you, Apu.