Have you ever stolen anything?
No.
Not really.
Pens. I've stolen pens...
Just pens.
What's the worst thing you've ever done?
That's private.
Mm.
Are you religious?
No.
My family is.
But, we're not close...
This appeals to me
because I know it's not the best thing
in the world being alone.
Not that you are alone.
But you are doing this alone.
Are you writing that down?
I... I didn't mean like "You are alone..."
I meant, like, um...
I don't think being alone is a bad thing.
I meant...
if family is important to someone,
they should be open and make one.
Plus the money.
Not in a bad way.
Um, and, you know, putting a little bit karma in the bank
never hurt anyone.
Don't write down the word "Karma".
I'm sorry I use it. I regret it.
-Hm. -
It says here that you have a child.
How old are they?
Seven?
Eight?
Eight, I guess.
You don't know how old your own child is?
He was adopted like right after I had him
and it was a closed adoption.
Uh, I was in high school.
Hm.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I just...
I thought that all the applicants had the...
either be raising children or have raised them.
I think technically the requirement
is that "you have to have had a kid..."
which I... have.
Right. Right.
I won't be offended if that is a deal-breaker for you
but I do know what it's like to carry a baby
and then give one up.
And this wouldn't be mine this time,
like this one wouldn't even be mine.
Baby is, uh, if anything it would be easier.
I, uh, I have some questions for you, if that's okay.
I actually wrote them down.
What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Oh...
Hey. Oh, is anyone clothed?
Everyone's clothed.
Sorry, I mean unclothed.
-Uh, come on in. - Okay.
Hey.
-Hi, sorry, whoa... - Hello.
...it took me so long.
Hey, I ran the whole way here.
Okay. Hi, Matt. Uh, everything is going very well.
Her HCG levels is strong,
normal doubling, progesterone is right on schedule.
So, all in all, it's all very good news,
on paper, this is a very viable pregnancy...
Third time is a charm.
Well, we can't be sure yet,
so we'll just, uh, do our best and wait.
Sure, but I mean so far so good.
So far so good.
Congratulations.
That's, uh... That's our first congratulations.
Oh, God, so thank you... Thank you for that.
-Yay! -
Okay. Well, call me if you need anything, Anna.
And, um, I'll see you both in a few weeks.
Thank you.
Bye.
Uh, you did it.
Yeah. We live.
It's, uh, great job in there.
Are you coming?
Yes. Yeah, yeah.
Um, are you... How...
Like, how are you feeling?
Um...
I feel regular. Normal.
Okay, good. That's good. Normal is good.
That's... that's what you want.
Uh, how are... How are you feeling?
Also good and normal
and... uh, amazed.
That's good.
Yeah. I... I, uh...
I mean this is happening.
So far, yeah.
Yeah, but, um, by the way...
I got you this.
Oh...
Um... thank you.
Um...
Is... is this for the baby?
Yeah.
Then maybe you should keep it.
-Right? Yes, of course. -Yeah.
-Um... Yeah. -Okay.
Uh, can we just maybe get dinner?
Like a... a just a little celebration?
Yeah. Okay, thank you.
Yeah. Cool. -Um...
I have to run right now, or I'm gonna be late.
-So, I'll call you? Yes? - Okay, perfect. Yeah.
Bye. -Bye.
Well, this is great.
-This is great. -
-There you go. So... -Oh.
-So, yeah...
-Crazy nervous. -Yep.
But also insanely excited.
You do it again.
Oh-oh. -Good.
Just feels like the right time.
Um... if you're happy, we're happy.
Let's... how about a toast?
-Huh... -All right.
-
Um...
To...
Uh... To...
-...life...
-Yes! Yes, to life! -Yeah. To life!
-Family. -Baby.
Guys, you are about to have a baby cousin.
Baby.
-Yeah, baby. -Yeah!
Baby!
-Baby. - My baby...
Uh, it's not your baby. Um, it's my baby.
Um...
-
-What did Mom and Dad say? - Uh...
Mom, Dad...
I have some very exciting news...
Where did you get that, did you find it?
I'm pregnant.
I mean the surrogate is pregnant.
Did you drive with an open container in your car?
You're not supposed to do that.
I believe he's trying to tell us
that he's gonna be a father.
Well, that's not a very fatherly thing to do.
Driving with an open container.
It's tough to raise a kid.
It takes two people to make a baby
because it takes two people to raise a baby.
I... I kind of think we're past the point
of debate on this, you know.
Let's... let's try and embrace the future.
Thank you.
It's actually happening.
That's great, my boy.
It is great.
Mom?
What's the deal on this surrogate,
I forget is she single?
So, you design apps?
Correct, yep.
Is that fun?
Sorry, just...
I am a little nervous.
About being a dad?
No, uh, yes that,
but I've thought a lot more about being a dad
than I've thought about, um...
...making conversation
with the person carrying my baby.
Right. Well, I'm nervous too so...
Wait...
You're not gonna change your mind, are you?
Oh, no. I meant I'm nervous about,
uh, making conversation.
Yeah. Good. Okay.
Good.
'Cause I don't think you can change your mind
at this point, anyway. Legally.
I mean not, not that the laws rule your body.
It's your body. You can do whatever you want.
Well, you don't even need me to say that.
I don't... You don't need my permission to do.
It's women's right. All of it.
I am pro everything.
Unless you're pro-life.
And... and pro-choiceness offends you in which case...
Does pro-choiceness offend you?
Why would pro-choiceness offend me?
Well, because you... Uh, you had a baby so young
and then you gave it up.
So you...
obviously didn't wanna have a child
but you still actually...
follow through it, uh, with, you know, having.
I don't think giving up a baby for adoption
makes someone pro-life.
Neither do I.
Hm.
So to Anna, so far so good.
Uh, and to Matt and, um, wait, wait, who's egg is it again?
Donor 45883.
To Matt's sperm
-and donor 45883. - Wait!
-I'm giving the toast. -Okay.
To my sperm, to the donor's egg,
and to Anna's uterus.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
-Hi. Have you decided? -Uh, yeah, um...
Can I get, uh, free-range chicken pesto thing?
And would you like fried potato or salad?
Uh, potato.
Mm. Mm-mm.
A salad.
Mm-hm.
And potato, please.
And for you?
-Carbonara. - Well...
I'm lot less nervous, uh, after the...
You know what? I'm sorry, I just was worried
when you order potatoes
because...
...what you eat, it eat. They eat.
You ordered pasta with bacon.
Yeah, but I'm the only one eating it.
But I only matter for like the next like nine months or so.
And you matter for the next 18 plus years.
I feel like you're 40 something so...
yeah, if I were you I would not eat pasta with bacon.
Hmm.
That's a really good point, actually.
So why didn't you make a weird sound when I ordered it.
Because I am not annoying.
And I'm pro-choice.
I see here that the placenta has formed.
And that's great.
How do you feel about that?
It's exciting. Um...
Were almost in the clear, you know,
to start telling people.
I'm dying to tell people.
I've already told a couple of people
but like I wanna tell everybody.
And what about you, Anna?
I'm not going to tell anybody.
I meant how are you feeling.
Oh, uh, good.
I am tired, not zombie-tired yet,
but I feel healthy.
Good.
I'm sorry. You're not gonna tell anyone?
No.
Uh, well, I... I probably should tell
my boss at some point.
And that's important because
because you'll have to arrange for maternity leave.
Really?
But I'm not maternal.
Maternity leave isn't just for the baby,
it's also for the woman.
Oh, okay.
So you're not gonna tell anyone?
No.
Why not?
I don't know. It's temporary. And private.
But you're gonna start showing.
It will be obvious that you're pregnant. Right?
I know, I'm not...
I didn't say I was trying to hide it.
I just don't have anyone
that I really need to "share the news" with.
-Not your parents or... -No.
Does that bother you, Matt?
I guess I just thought that, uh, she would tell more people.
And how do you feel knowing that she's not?
I don't know. Um...
I mean it's her choice, obviously.
And I'm very pro-choices.
So is she. For the record.
Great.
I'm... I... I just...
Am I supposed to act like I'm... like not here
when you guys talk about me like that?
Or... I've, I've just never done this before.
It's... whatever you're comfortable with.
I'm sorry, am I supposed to wait until...
she decide what she's comfortable with before...
I keep talking about her?
That's up to you.
Okay, well, uh...
Um, you want a bite?
No, thank you. It's okay.
I went to couples therapy once before with my ex.
-Wife? -No. Just a regular ex.
Afterwards, we come outside and...
hold hands and eat candy.
That sounds nice.
It was nice.
Then we go home and continue not sleeping together.
I don't wanna be a B, but that's your third croissant today.
And?
And I'm not being judgmental but they really are bad for you.
So you're judging?
No, I just said I'm not judging.
That doesn't mean anything.
I'm dating two people named Sam. How could I be judgmental?
I'm hungry and I wanna eat salty bread.
Okay, but did you read that thing about how Cosco
puts chemicals on those things, azodicarbonamide.
They put that in yoga mats and fake leather.
It's really bad for you.
But... it's in yoga mats.
And fake leather.
Are these from Cosco?
I mean I don't know, but Nestlé owns Maybelline
and that's not even a food.
Like Nestlé is in everywhere.
Okay.
I feel like we should just pack up and go home.
What?
-Hi. - Hey.
What are you doing here?
Well, I was in the neighborhood and so I brought you some tea.
That's nice. We have a ton of tea here. It's a coffee shop.
You don't have this.
This is a special pregnancy tea.
Can you not use that word around here, please?
I'm sorry, yes, of course.
I just saw in the log that it's been kinda tough week.
Thank you.
And I also brought you these.
Clogs?
Yeah.
I mean if you're gonna be on your feet all day...
and your...
You're gonna what?
Better arch support.
I'm, I'm barely...
...so, uh, I don't think I need special shoes.
You know nurses wear this, right?
I know.
Did you know that artists wear this?
Like a lot of collage artists, ceramicists.
They're cool, like, people think these are cool now.
I think this is so sweet.
I'm just gonna stick to my normal shoes.
Fair enough. I'll just hold on to them until you need them.
Which I won't.
So many blogs say that you will so...
I'll hold on to them. It's all good.
Ew. Whose clogs?
No one's. They're no one's clogs.
I'm Matt.
Um... apropos of nothing. Uh...
You sure I can't return clogs here?
Okay, well, do you have a receipt?
-No. -Oh.
We can't process to return on a pair of shoes.
I feel... I mean if you have a receipt,
I feel like it's fair.
It's like Starbucks. You go there with the receipt
and they... and they'll, they'll return.
Anything from anywhere.
Thank you, stranger,
for helping me in this coffee shop.
Um... bye.
Bye.
A girl in my Bio-Chem wears clogs
and I've never seen her smile ever in my life.
Hey, sorry. Hi.
Uh, what, what are you...
I thought that we were, uh, meeting at the doctor.
We are.
Uh, I just thought I would bring you this here
in case you didn't take them at work
because you didn't wanna reveal that you're pregnant.
And then I didn't wanna bring them to the doctor because...
then you don't have to carry them around all day so...
But I, I really don't want them.
Hey, sorry, uh, your bathroom door sticks.
I know, uh...
Hey, man.
-I'm Matt. -Bryce.
-So you guys just do it or... -Matt!
Oh, who is this guy?
-You can't do that. -Says who?
Are you like her uncle or something?
No. -No, I'm not her uncle.
I'm the father.
-Oh, my God, you're the father? -No, I'm not her dad.
We work together.
Well, whatever, good luck with that.
Yeah.
Lemme know... Lemme know about Thursday...
Yep.
Oh, what's on Thursday?
What are you doing?
-What, what are you doing? -Nothing.
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
I feel like I should have come up in the interview.
I don't have a boyfriend.
Well then, who is that...
You just hooked up with that guy?
So... Are there multiple "Bryces"?
Are you mad about the clogs?
I'm not mad about the clogs, I just...
I'm mad because there was a random penis
really close to my unborn baby.
You do know that the baby is not like in my vagina?
Yeah.
The baby comes out of the vagina.
Stop saying vagina.
I wasn't able to have sex at all surrounding implantation,
and soon I'm going to be visibly pregnant
and that will hinder my opportunity to do that.
So you cannot tell me not to have sex for a year, okay?
The married surrogates,
they have sex with their husbands,
-right? -
Sorry about that.
-Now we're ready. - Mm-hm.
Scoot down, please.
Scoot a little more.
And if you could scoot some more, please.
Scoot down just a bit.
Scoot.
Perfect.
Oh, what is... What's...
Hm, what's that?
This is an internal ultrasound.
Oh.
I, um...
Oh, um... I'm just gonna turn around.
-Hm. -Ready?
You gonna feel a little pressure, okay.
Press on your right ovary for me.
By the way, uh, pretty sure people
actually have sex to induce labor.
Other side.
Yeah, I think they do that
at the very end of the pregnancy,
not two months in.
Oh, wait, what do you think by the way I...
I'm just a technician.
I'm not allowed to say anything about anything.
-Off the record? - Off the record,
it is more than fine to have sex when you're pregnant.
Okay, but I mean she's just a technician.
-What does she know? - I know everything.
I'm just not allowed to say it.
See?
A lot of Dads go through this,
they start to see their wives as precious
and sacred and fragile as soon as they get pregnant.
-But they are the same woman. -
You can have sex.
Oh, not... not with him.
I don't... -She wants to have sex
which is very understandable
but like my baby is in there...
-absorbing ejaculate... -I use protection.
Yeah, but there's thrusting, grunting...
There's God knows what else
-with God knows who else. - I "date" and...
I would like to do that while I can
before my vagina is in full recovery.
Did you guys want to hear the heartbeat?
Or should we wait for this dispute to settle?
There's a heartbeat?
-
It's... it's alive!
It's alive.
So you heard the heartbeat?
That's a really exciting moment,
especially for first-time parent.
Very exciting.
I mean I just... I wanna hear that sound all the time.
I mean is there an app for that?
There should be an app for that.
And Anna, what about...
What about you, how was that experience for you?
It was great. It was... It was fine.
Um... It's nice to see Matt so happy.
Well, you were happy too.
Yeah, totally. That's what she said,
said it was nice to see you so happy.
Thank you.
Um, had there been any conflicts that have come up?
Um, aside from the clogs?
Oh, here's something.
"Furthermore, the surrogate agrees
not to engage in strenuous
or high-risk activity including but not limited to skydiving,
contact sports, horseback riding,
skiing, scuba diving,
weight lifting, rollerblading, roller-skating,
skateboarding, surfing, bungee jumping, bike riding,
or riding in vehicles weighing under 3,000 pounds
including but not limited to motorcycles,
Vespas slash scooters,
dune buggies, jet skis, Segues,
Jeeps or smart cars."
See?
Well, first of all, all that is,
is "including but not limited to".
And second of all, it could be consider a contact sport.
Right? And Bryce rides a scooter!
-I mean... -He's not plowing me
on a scooter.
That's actually what I...
Oh, hang on, hang on.
I'm gonna cut you off because... It says right here...
not supposed to ask you
what you're gonna do with the money.
You didn't ask me about the money.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Yeah, you were just volunteering the information.
Yeah, go on.
I graduated late
because I was...
Um... and I missed college.
I got an associates degree online.
So there's this accelerated degree program in Vermont
where if I could get accepted
I would go to school for three and a half years.
No breaks.
I can finish my bachelors and, uh, get my masters.
That's incredible. What are you gonna study?
-Hospitali... -
I just wanna double-check. Make sure this is like...
Oh, cool.
You just look?
Yeah, just swipe and check out all of the pictures.
They're your friends? - No. Strangers.
-What's this do? -
That is your "favorite button" so if you hit that
then the person goes on to your favorite list
and you can look at him anytime you want.
Otherwise, you just see the person once ever.
How do you know if you're in someone else's favorites?
You don't.
This is the saddest app I've ever seen.
Aren't you a millennial?
You're supposed to know all about this stuff.
People use this?
Yeah.
Enough to pay for the baby.
Weird.
This is it.
The nursery-to-be.
It's cute.
Right. It's gonna be great.
Speck of light. -Huh.
Yeah. There's a lot of swatches up there.
It's very hard to pick a color for the nursery
because there's a lot of writing on it.
For example, take orange.
Orange is usually good for joy and creativity.
But a dark orange can trigger deceit or distrust.
Uh, yellow.
Usually associated with happiness and intellect,
but it can also symbolize sickness or decay.
Green, may sustain growth, renewal, safety, nature.
Well, guess what?
It's also greed, money, avarice.
Where... where you getting all this?
This.
"Opening the Shades: The deeper meaning behind colors
and the subconscious hold they have
on a developing mind."
That's kind of intense.
Mm-hm. You know it was in the baby section.
Oh.
This one is kind of looking a little like
pea soup to me now.
Mm-hm. Yeah.
And this one looks a little bright for sleeping.
Even with the lights off?
Yeah.
Wow, it got really late.
Yeah, this one is kind of like
what a waiting room would be painted.
Mm-hm. Yeah.
That's like an old IBM PC.
"Dusty blue-green, impractical and idealist."
-First time? -Hm? Yeah, yeah.
So are you, three, four months now?
Exactly. Hm.
Six and a half.
-Congratulations. -Congratulations.
Thank you.
My couple...
is out of town.
They're in Iowa.
They're great and we, we talk all the time
and we... you know, we Skype a lot.
I'm good at reminding myself and my son
that this baby is not a part of our family.
And you know my husband needs no reminding.
He's great. Very supportive. I love him.
I just haven't been able to talk with anyone about it,
some kind of bottled up, I guess.
I'm jealous.
We can't stop talking about it.
I long for small talk.
Uh, we're ready to begin if you wanna circle up.
Oh, I'll catch you later, man.
Hello. Hi.
My guy is local.
He is single so it's just us, um...
Sometimes I really want my space like...
when he is monitoring my diet
or the person I'm sleeping with, but then...
I also had a really okay time
picking the color for the nursery with him.
That was cool 'cause it was...
It was nice to picture where this is all going.
What you were saying about like, uh,
"no two days have to be the same"?
Right. Every day is new.
Yeah. I mean both the things that I have mentioned
happened on the same day, but...
yeah.
How was group?
It's fine. It's weird.
Uh... what about you?
I am...
I was the only one there alone.
I was the only one there, uh, without a family at home.
Mm.
What are you up to?
The show is so dumb.
This is a timeless classic television show.
It is the Godfather of television shows.
And I mean that as in the movie Godfather.
What the... What the movie Godfather is to movies,
this is to the television shows.
So Ross went to college with Chandler.
And, and just happened to move across the hall from Monica.
No Ross and Monica are siblings.
Come on, Anna, you know this.
Do, do you still, uh, talk to any of your college friends?
Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
Um, at this point, they're all either settled down
or desperately clinging to the corpse of their youth.
-And you are? -Right in the middle.
Yeah.
What about you? College friends?
-Oh, I... I didn't go. -Oh, right.
Uh, are you still in touch with high school friends?
No, no.
Um... why are you alone?
Um, sorry, what?
Like why are you doing this alone?
Well, I would like to have a family and this is a...
Not... not the answer that you gave in the interview.
Okay.
Um... because I am alone.
That's why.
Yeah, I just...
You know I feel I'm, I'm in this chapter of my life
that feels like it should be over but it's not.
It's just on a loop.
When I hang out with my settled friends,
I feel sad for what I want and don't have.
And when I hang out with my single friends,
I feel sad for what I have and don't want.
And I'm just... I, I just...
need to move forward.
And it just so happens that I'm doing it by myself.
Was there ever anyone that you thought
you'd be doing this with?
Yeah, there was actually.
For eight years.
Um, but it didn't work out.
You know sometimes it doesn't work out.
People think I'm giving something up to do this,
but I don't feel that way at all.
I just feel like I'm pursuing this thing that I care about.
It's weird to be perceived as hopeless in this moment
when I'm actually incredibly hopeful.
Why are you alone?
I'm 26.
But you're with your family?
Um...
Well, they never looked at me
the same way after I got pregnant.
And I got tired of seeing myself the way they saw me.
Or see me.
They were really mad when I got pregnant
and they were really mad when I gave it up for adoption.
Uh...
It really seemed like the only way they were gonna be happy
as if I was wildly unhappy.
Um...
So...
Yeah.
Do you miss them?
Um, yeah.
But I missed them before, uh, we stopped talking.
I miss the family I had when I was ten.
Uh, not talking has actually made it, like, much easier.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
I think I've heard that somewhere.
Oh, it's like shopping!
Thank you so much for doing this with me.
So are you gonna have
the baby shower?
Um... no.
Why not?
It just seems kinda weird.
Because you're a guy?
I don't know.
Because you're single?
Well, you're not making it sound less weird.
I think you should have one.
Really?
Would you come?
Yeah.
It, it can't miss its own baby shower.
Can we not keep calling it "it"?
Yeah, sorry, um...
-Oh. -They can't miss
its own baby shower.
Yeah, maybe we can come up with, like,
a gender-neutral name for the interim.
What's a gender-neutral name? Like Pat or Tag?
Well, Pat's lame and Tag is male.
I don't think they should know the name.
I mean just temporary till we find out the sex
and then I can give it a real name.
I don't think I should know the sex either.
-Really? - Yeah.
Like Switzerland.
I guess the less I know the better.
That's what they say in group.
They're saying the opposite in my group.
Great.
Well, so, let's just come up with something
for the time being.
How about Peanut?
I think that's too human.
What about Radio?
Radio?
Yeah, it's like personable but anonymous.
Excuse, a little male to me for some reason.
Soda?
Hmm, female.
What about Leaf?
I think that's actually a name.
Yeah.
Lamp?
Yeah, I don't... I don't know what lamp is.
Okay.
Lamp.
I'm not going to whisper.
I don't mean to actually whisper.
I just mean like talk very softly.
-Matt. -Well...
I mean your voice is gonna be the, the voice
that Lamp identifies with the most.
'Cause Lamp hears you all the time
and so I'm just trying to figure out a way to like...
also make my voice a strong presence.
So I think if you are soft...
Just a little softer.
Okay, well then, why don't you just yell all the time?
I don't come across with angry...
Anna?
Anna Caper?
-Hey... -Carly!
Oh, Carly!
-Oh, my God, hi. -Hi.
I haven't seen you in forever.
Hi, yeah.
What are you doing here?
My cousin's out here,
I'm visiting for her baby shower.
Yeah. So you live here now?
I do. Yeah.
How's, um... law school?
So crazy!
It's just the first year but still.
We're like real adults.
Not just like college adults, you know what I mean?
Yeah, it sneaks up on you, really fast.
-So you live here. -Mm-hm.
And you moved with your boyfriend, right?
-Right. - Aw.
Is a congratulations in order or...
Not really, he lives in Seattle now.
I meant like, you know... a baby...
-No. No, no, no. - No?
-No, no. No. -No? Oh.
So what are you doing in maternity wear?
-I'm working. -Working?
Working here?
-Yes. Yeah, at the store. - Oh, great.
Hi, excuse me.
Uh, sorry to interrupt. You work here?
Uh, what's the difference between these two items?
The material and the color.
Hmm.
-Mm. -Yeah.
Also, um, somebody dropped some clothes on the floor,
you may wanna look into it.
-Yeah, okay. - Mm.
I should go. I should go.
-It was great to see you. -Yeah.
Allie is gonna freak out when I tell her I ran into you.
It's the smallest world ever.
-Cool. - Okay.
Oh, do you know where the, the Bath Buddies are?
-Bath Buddies? - Mm-hm.
Yeah. Um, over there.
You're gonna wanna check over there.
-There? Okay. -Mm-hm.
Yeah, um, yeah.
Hey, hey. I... I don't want you to lift this stuff up.
I can lift something I was already carrying.
Who was that?
-It's my sister's friend. -You have a sister?
-Yes. -I have a brother.
See, whispering is not so bad, right?
Hey, I didn't know you had a sister.
Yeah. Allie.
Oh, she's gonna know I'm not with Jason anymore.
Who is Jason?
It's the guy I moved here to be with.
What happened to him?
It, it doesn't matter, it was a long time ago.
Do you think that... she could tell that I was lying
about being pregnant?
No.
No, no, we did a good job covering it.
Hey.
What's happening?
I just... I hate the idea of Allie...
finding out that I'm pregnant again.
And my mom and dad.
Oh, look... they, they probably not gonna find out, right?
But even if they do, what's the worst-case scenario?
I don't know like it would confirm
what they think about me already. That...
That they're right. That the only thing I'm good at
is getting pregnant.
-Okay. -
You have also helped to create two families.
By giving the hardest possible gifts.
First, your actual kid and now your actual self.
They are not silver linings, they're stand-alone good things.
That's really nice.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Let's get some house plants.
It's supposed to help filter out
harmful airborne household toxins.
What?
So, you like
-just looking? - Yeah.
'Cause I feel like on Tinder, everyone wants, like,
to send you a dick pic or they want you
to sit on their face or even worse like buy them dinner.
Here, I can just, like, look.
Can't you just swipe no on Tinder?
Isn't that like the same thing?
No, it wouldn't be because you probably end up
hurting someone's feelings or if you're like me,
you'll end up getting drunk and sitting on their face, anyway.
I can't believe the father of your baby made Loner.
-It's not my baby. -
I can't believe the straight single guy
who you see all the time slash exclusively
who fathered the child inside of you made Loner.
It's my second favorite app.
What's your first favorite app?
An app that tracks your periods.
Why do you have an app that tracks your periods?
Hmm, my periods, your periods.
-What? Oh, my God!
Here. There you go. You're welcome.
Hey.
Hello. You about to ready to go?
Yeah, let me run this till back really quickly.
By the way, uh, brought you some pregnancy tea
and, for the record, this stuff is awesome.
I'm like totally hooked on it.
And as far as I know, I'm not pregnant.
Um, Matt, have you met Jules yet?
I don't think we've been officially introduced but...
we've exchanged a lot of cold stares so...
Okay.
I'll be right back.
Don't name your kid Jesse.
I'm sorry, what?
Do not name your kid Jesse.
Why not?
'Cause I know a Jesse
who doesn't even know what tumble dry low is.
Tumble. Dry. Low.
-Hey, you ready? -Yeah.
Um, okay. Uh, I'm gonna head out.
Can you please just like clean up the, uh, syrup pumps?
Yeah, okay.
Thank you so much. I really appreciated it.
-Okay, bye. - See ya.
-See ya. Have a great day. - Thanks, you too.
Bye.
Did you guys wanna find out the sex today?
-Yeah. -No.
I thought we agreed.
To what?
That I shouldn't know.
Well...
It's my baby, Anna.
I just wanna feel as involved as possible.
You are involved.
You won't feel any less of a connection with Lamp...
just because you didn't find out the sex ahead of time.
I promise.
Meanwhile, I'm over here...
having a really hard time setting boundaries
because I share a body with the thing
that I'm supposed to stay separate from.
Move in to my house.
What?
Just until the pregnancy is over.
I just wanna know everything.
I wanna know when you're up in the middle of the night.
I wanna feel all the kicks.
Speaking of boundaries.
Well, I can give you guys a minute.
No, it's okay.
You can... You can tell him. Just not me.
-Okay.
Are you ready?
Yeah, don't, yeah. Don't say it.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Yeah, because I will blurt it out.
I definitely blurt it out
or I'll be so nervous that I'll blurt it out.
That I'll blurt it out.
Better I don't know.
Well, a pleasure as always.
The doctor will be in shortly.
I can't tell if she is really rude or amazing.
I don't think she meant it when she said
I was a "pleasure as always".
Yeah, I think she is amazing.
Hi, Anna. It's your mother.
Allie said a friend of hers saw you in California.
You're still working retail I hear.
And, uh, Jason left you or, uh, maybe you left him.
And if there is anything else you'd like to tell me,
I promise I won't be surprised.
Your father says hello.
I can stay over occasionally.
Yeah, but "Evil doctor" is the archetype.
-Not "Evil Mister". - Here's my question.
Where does a monster even get a doctorate?
Lots of monsters have doctorates. It's...
Wait, what are we talking about?
Um...
Jason. Your ex.
Right. Yeah, Jason was a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Not so unlike my dad.
My dad was more of a Dr. Honeydew.
Who is that?
Who is Dr. Honeydew?
Are you kidding me?
From the Muppets, big yellow head.
Constantly torturing his lab assistant Beaker.
Which, frankly, is not unlike me.
I guess that would make me Beaker.
Whatever.
Uh, no, no, no. Stay put.
-
What's with the all these lady books?
Uh, those are parenting books
for single parents, but everything I could find
for single dad was for guys who are divorced or widowers
which didn't really apply.
What about "A Father Knows"?
Oh, yeah, that one, um...
I thought that was a parenting book
and I couldn't quite make up from the thumbnail online.
So I bought it and not even close.
Okay.
You're sleeping in my room.
And where are you?
I'm gonna sleep in, uh, Lamp's room.
Oh.
I don't wanna kick you at it, your bed.
It's okay. I don't wanna mess with your Lamp-boundaries
by making you sleep in the nursery.
-Okay. -Yeah, it's all good. Come on.
Hey.
-Hey, are you okay? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Uh, Lamp's moving.
Hm.
Oh.
Hi, you two.
Might I interest you in this Norwegian design,
it's made from sustainably crafted lucite,
it's durable, it's waterproof.
It offers an open view to the environment...
Oh, it's six thousand dollars.
Whoa.
Really this converts into a toddler bed and a Mercedes?
No, but...
This crib converts from a toddler bed to a day bed
and offers three different infant mattress positions.
Oh.
It's, uh, $450.
It's made from particleboard. As a warning.
Is that mean particleboard is bad for the baby somehow?
No. Not at all.
-Okay. Great. - Great.
-I really like this. - Great.
Here is the item number.
Present this at the register.
I think you two were gonna be really happy with this.
Ew. No, we're not together.
Oh.
She's my surrogate.
Ah.
We... Why is the idea of me
being a single mom...
...and the idea of him being a single dad...
Yeah.
Oh. Um...
I just...
Sorry.
I think we'll buy this on the Internet.
Oh, we don't work off commission.
Oh, you don't.
This is sure a lot of
the invitations considering the fact
that I've never seen you talk to anybody else,
or talk about having other friends.
You're one to talk.
What's going on?
What are you talking about?
-You're being really quiet. -No, I'm not.
Listen to how quiet you're being right now.
At the store when the lady...
thought we were together, you said, "Ew, no."
I didn't say "ew" as in "you're gross".
I said "ew" as in "it would be gross if we were a couple."
Why?
Why would that be gross?
Because you are like 20 years older than me.
Why is that horrible?
So... you would be okay with dating someone
who was shitting in their diaper
when you were getting your first hand-job?
Or someone who couldn't count when you were in college?
Or someone whose parents are probably like
in the grade above you?
One grade above you?
I think you're being prescriptive.
I think you've watched too many Woody Allen movies.
Well, they're romantic.
- Annie Hall. - Annie Hall.
Right. That's movie about...
a parade of aging neurotics, crunching their fear of death
by grabbing onto woman at the start of their lives
and then like feeding of them.
Yeah. Ew.
Then he made Manhattan
which is a movie about dating a teenage girl.
That starred a real teenage girl
who he then literally tried to date afterward in real life.
Ew.
See?
It's just sometimes people just connect.
It's not about being attracted to one another.
Do you know a lot of 45-year-old men
who have 26-year-old female friends?
Like...
how many friends in their 20's do you have?
I don't know.
One.
Ow.
Can...
Can you tell me what a period is?
What?
You wanna pull out the inner tube.
Until it stops.
Uh, and then, and then you...
Uh, and then you...
Remember?
Uh, it just get... Um...
Well, if, if you're starting out,
it helps to put your leg up on something like,
uh, bathtub or stool.
Um...
Because...
Just so that everything...
opens up a bit easier, uh...
and...
This is just so mortifying.
This gonna be much more awkward for Lamp
so just get through it quickly.
Yeah, of course.
So then, um, it gets inserted.
So, you, uh...
Um... that's when you insert, you push it in.
Okay, insert it where?
-Seriously? -Yeah.
In, uh, vagina.
You don't whisper it.
Kids will pick up on that. That it's, like, shameful.
Say vagina.
-Right in the vagina. -Great.
-Put it in the vagina. -Perfect.
And, and you pushed until you feel resistance.
And so then you stop
and you push in the little plunger
and the tampon goes in.
And... it's in.
And, and you pull out the applicator.
And toss in the trash.
Oh, my God.
You expect me to remember that for like 12 years?
How embarrassing was that for you?
I'm pretty embarrassed.
Then you'll remember it forever.
Mm.
Yes!
They love it.
It's, um...
Oh, you hear it again.
Two birds with one stone.
That name's just on your body forever.
Right, that's why I got it. So I could remember something
that I wished would have lasted forever.
Are you worried that your next partner's
gonna be bothered by that?
Why would I based my decisions now
about some future hypothetical asshole?
Why are they an asshole?
Because they mind my tattoos.
The Sams don't mind Celine...
and Celine never minded Nick.
You're, you're body is a graveyard.
You mean love and loss. Love and loss.
If we're not carrying the people we love with us,
then what are we even doing?
-Moving on. - Okay, well, whatever.
What about you and that guy?
We're not a couple.
Okay. I know you're not fucking...
but, like that doesn't mean that you don't have a thing.
-We're... we're friends. - It's something.
And it's finite.
Finite, how?
In that this period will end at some point,
you will give birth to a child and then what happens?
You don't need to be like a thing
in the way that you define in order to breakup.
Just because you're not like "together together"
doesn't mean that you haven't created a bond.
You have created a connection
between the two of you that will end.
Also...
I'm really worried that you're probably making
a little straight white guy in there.
I am. That's the whole plan.
I'm gonna...
I should... I just give him a podcast.
-Oh. - Oh, yeah.
It's about Reaganomics. -
Oh, my God, speaking of, we're not open!
I don't know when we open.
Leave, leave. We're not open.
Oh, my God. I'm gonna call the police.
You okay?
Seems like your...
I seem...
Off.
Hormones.
Probably.
Oh, what we do with our hormones
to sum everything up.
You'd probably invent hormones to sum everything up with.
That's... That sounds like my mom and stepdad.
I just wanna say thank you in advance for doing this
with me and I also apologize for everyone that I know.
-There you are! -Hey!
-Hi. Oh. -Hi.
Your stairs are very slippery.
You're gonna want to get some grippy tape.
-You know what grippy tape is? -Uh-huh.
-It's like sandpaper. -Yeah. Okay.
-Matthew. -Hey, Carson. How are you?
Do you know what kind of tape I'm talking about, Matt?
It... You see it in office buildings.
Oh, come on in.
This is Anna.
-Hi. She's too young for you. -Hi.
Yeah, we know. Nobody is dating anybody.
Uh, this is my Mom Adele.
-This is Carson. -Hello!
Nice to meet you. May I?
Mom, you can talk directly to Anna...
Oh, my God!
Oh, my third grandchild is in there.
And look how big she is already.
I mean you were a big baby. Like father like son, right?
Or daughter.
With a belly that big, let's hope it's a boy.
Where should I put these cookies?
-Um... - Oh, she doesn't know.
-Yeah. We brought cookies. - Great.
Why do they have so many plants in here?
You can have my chaps. - Always with the chaps.
I decided I'm gonna go with Opah.
Oprah?
Oh-Pah.
-It's German. -We're not German.
I just like the sound of it. Somebody's probably German.
A lot of people are German,
but you yourself are not a descendant of any of them.
I wanna go with Mimi.
-"Me me". -Mm-hm.
Can you do names when you're related through marriage?
Adele...
I'm related.
Tomato, tom-ah-to.
What's Carson gonna be called?
Carson. - Carson.
You know it's a funny thing
that was gonna be my number one choice
if Opah was already taken.
The humor gene is very strong with these two, Matty and Marty.
So what are you gonna be called?
Um... "That... That Lady"?
See?
If you're not related, you don't do names.
Organ donors do not get nicknames.
Is that what this is like?
Like donating an organ?
I don't know. I've never donated an organ before.
You must be Dylan's wife?
No, I'm the surrogate.
Oh, congrats!
Um, is that appropriate?
-Thanks. -Hey, Shell, Shell!
Come meet the surrogate! The, the surrogate!
-Come here. - Oh...
Wow, look at you!
Oh, you are so big already!
-I know, right? -
That's what I've heard.
-Oh. -Oh, wow.
-Baby's gonna be healthy. -Yeah, healthy baby.
How'd you do that?
Here. I'm sorry...
All right, let's see here.
Oh... Oh, come on!
So good.
I love it. I love it.
- Make way.
-Whoa! - Perfect!
This thing is huge!
Here we go.
Uh, is it a weapon or something?
Oh, yes...
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Thank you. Thank you. -Yeah.
Oh, my God. All right, who's next? Who's next?
What's this?
That's a koala bear.
I'm like craving pizza right now.
I think I'm having a sympathy craving.
-You always want pizza. - That's true.
The question is, "Do you want pizza?"
And if you do, say we order it now or later?
I should probably go...
-actually. - What?
We're gonna watch season nine of Friends.
I think I'm just gonna watch it at home.
-Did I do something? - No.
I just have to be up super early tomorrow
and I've been here all day.
Thank you for that, by the way.
Thank you for thanking me.
Yeah, so that right there.
What?
You... you got sad.
Please... don't see when I'm sad.
Please.
What's going on?
I think...
I think that we should have better boundaries.
Was it the party?
Was it the party? I'm sorry.
No. Yes, but...
No, it's, it's... everything.
It's like we spend way too much time together.
I basically only hanging out with you.
I don't hang out with anybody else.
-What's the point? -What's the point of what?
What is the point of hanging out?
What?
We've spent so much time together.
And yet you still see me as like this, like, naive woman.
-That's not true. -And you're like...
You're always trying to, like, do things for me, like I'm some
-charity case like... -What?
I did stuff on my own.
I know that!
Do you... Do you seriously think I'm that shitty of a friend?
Okay, "friend".
Are we friends?
Are we?
I, I don't know. I...
I think that if we are, in order for this to work,
we shouldn't be.
I will see you on Wednesday.
Okay.
Hey, I'll, uh, see you Wednesday.
Okay.
I'll send the doctor right in.
Thanks.
What's goin' on? What's with you two?
This is how we are now.
Hey, could you, uh...
Could you update the food log again?
-Uh, sure. -Great.
That'd be great 'cause...
since we're not eating meals together so much, um...
it would just be great to have a sense of...
Yeah, of course.
Hi.
I'm Shayleen.
Welcome to Koala House Birth Center
for Learning and Feeling.
Um, I love the miracle of birth.
Even more than that
I love empowering couples within the process.
So it is truly my pleasure
to be on this journey with you.
And I'd like to start class with a cleansing breath.
I am Matt and this is my baby.
And you partner?
Uh, no. She's not my partner.
We're feminists.
Um...
This is Anna. Uh, she's my surrogate.
Wonderful, and is there a third partner?
No.
Wonderful.
Just letting go of the third partner idea.
Hi, I'm Ivy.
Uh, this is Jackie.
And this is really bonded us in a way that...
More so than ever before, I feel like we are one.
-Yeah. -About to be...
-three. -Three.
I love you. - I love you.
And you're pushing, pushing,
pushing, pushing, pushing. And you're getting through it.
And you're getting through it and you're surviving.
And then you gonna push.
And then you got your baby.
Just breathe.
Breathe in your partner's support. Good.
Breathe.
And I definitely recommend late-clamping.
And you can still do skin-to-skin.
Well, just flop 'em right on you
while you wait the four to seven minutes
for the pulsing to conclude, okay?
The umbilical cord doesn't have a lot of reach. Don't pull it.
Baby will be here.
Not here. Here.
I just wanna say...
I think what you are doing is so brave.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Okay, move to the hips.
Move to the hips.
Yes.
What about our situation?
Yeah, I... obviously won't be doing skin-to-skin.
But Papa can.
All the Papas can.
You just wanna wear shirt that can easily open up
and then we just pull up a little stool.
Sit right there.
-And he'll do the skin-to-skin. - Breathe.
-Breathe. -
Anyway, good luck.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
You too.
So just to be clear...
he would be on a stool
between my legs for four to seven minutes
while the baby is still tethered to me...
my insides?
Yes. Is that a problem?
Standing position two.
Now let's practice the words of encouragement
that we talked about.
This is really important.
You really, uh... You doing, you doing okay.
You're doing really good.
You're doing good.
You're the best.
Ah...
Hi, um...
Uh, so this is happening.
There's no signs of a rupture or vasa previa,
placenta is in good shape.
Baby's heartbeat is strong, movement is normal.
All signs point to pre-labor...
But she... she's only 34 weeks.
Pre-labor doesn't always mean labor is close.
You're only 25 percent effaced.
But the baby is sitting very low.
I recommend staying off your feet.
I never picture this...
being friends or...
I don't think...
All the reading in pamphlets and stuff about...
separating from the baby like...
There's...
There's nothing about like losing the Dad.
Hey.
We're not gonna lose each other.
You're gonna have Lamp and I'm gonna be in Vermont
-and... -What?
I... I got into school.
-You got into school? -Yeah.
-Get out of here. -
You kidding me?
Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you.
-Not in a dad-way, just... -I know...
I... congratulations.
-Why are you crying? -
I don't know because...
Because I love you.
You love me how?
Like in a... Like a normal way.
-Like a not a gross way. -Yeah.
Like, like a boring way. Like...
I love you too, by the way.
Hope that's obvious.
I know.
Look, it rolls.
Why are you groaning?
This is harder than I thought it would be.
The show is so fucking dumb.
Cross it over into the middle.
Then take some hair on the same side.
This looks good.
So you must be getting pretty excited.
Yeah.
Uh, very nervous.
Very excited.
I don't know what I'm in for. There's no way to know
until you're, you're, you're doing it, I guess.
So, yeah, excited, nervous, but good nervous.
Um, my mucus plug dropped.
And I've had my bloody show.
Our bloody show? Sorry.
-Our bloody show. -I think you can say yours.
Uh, no, I think it's our bloody show.
Is it? - Yeah.
You know since you pushed me on it, it's your bloody show.
-It's his bloody show -Well, it's my bloody show.
Is that gross to... Is that gross to tell you?
I'm here to, to hear whatever...
whatever it is that you want to tell me.
Anything else that you like to discuss?
We finished Friends.
Yeah, we did.
We watched all of Friends.
Do you want to, um...
hold hands and eat candy
and continue not sleeping together?
I thought you'd never ask.
Matt.
Yeah.
-I... -What is it, Anna?
I had a contraction.
It's early, right? It's early.
Oh, you're early?
Uh, I, I not like scary early.
I think it's like a week,
-right? -Okay.
Time it. We have to time it.
That's...
Time. Uh, I gotta get my phone.
Okay. Could you give me some water, first?
Yes, water. Water.
Okay.
Why didn't you do that earlier?
I don't know!
You're supposed to be encouraging me!
You're doing great!
Aw! -You're doing so good!
Just, uh...
I don't believe anything you're saying right now!
How... how far apart are they now?
That's, uh, well, eight minutes.
-Still? -Yeah.
Here we go. Nice and cold.
Just like you like it.
-There you go. -Thanks.
-Whoa! Whoa! Oh, my God!
-Whoa! Are you okay? -I... yeah.
Oh, wow! I... I gonna go...
I gonna go get... change my shirt.
-What? -I, I gotta have a button-down
-for skin-on-skin. -Okay.
This is, uh... This is it!
Can you get... Can you get me a pair of pants?
Yes!
Okay, too fast.
-You're going too fast. -Okay.
It's happening.
Okay.
Date today. Oh, my God, what is today?
Today, today is Lamp's birthday. What is it?
Good. You wanna sit down now?
No? Keep moving, keep moving. All right.
You're doing great! -
Do you want some, uh...
like some ice cream down the hall or...
I don't want... I don't think I can have ice cream.
Yeah. Okay.
There you go.
Okay, if you want the epidural, it's now or never.
Yes, I want the...
Keep it up! Push! Good, good!
Bear down. Push!
- Push!
Okay. Push, Anna.
Push!
Push! Push!
Push!
Push, Anna!
Don't stop now, Anna.
You can rest in a minute.
Push, Anna. Push, push!
-You can do this. Push!
Push, push, push!
Push, Anna. Good, good! We're crowning!
Okay, we're gonna push again in another 30 seconds.
-"We". - Oh, my God.
I can see...
I can see Lamp's head!
Lamp has hair!
You are so amazing.
I'm really happy for you.
Okay, Anna, here we go!
Take a deep breath.
-Push! Push!
Good, good. That's right.
Push!
There you go!
We got it!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Hey, Lamp!
Hey, there.
Oh, my God. Welcome.
Welcome to the world.
You're so beautiful.
Oh, my God.
At the mercy