I never believed in fate
or destiny, kismet, whatever you want to call it.
Never believed in Santa, magic, even as a kid.
The supernatural.
God, heaven, hell.
No.
I never believed in anything really.
And then I met Floyd.
Let's talk about that for a moment, Sam, if we could.
I believe that's chapter...
Yes, chapter three from the book.
I don't remember much of the night I met Floyd.
I remember that I was intoxicated
and had been since around 1:30 that afternoon.
Fuck.
I remember that I couldn't pay my rent again
and that I hadn't paid it for five months.
It's all over everywhere!
I remember that it had been a year since Kathleen dumped me.
Almost two since my mother died.
And everything felt incrementally shittier with each passing day.
Fuck!
And I remember that I took a brief mental inventory,
considered my overwhelming lack of prospects,
and in my state of absolute crapulance...
...came to the superb conclusion that...
...that it's time to go.
Shit.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit.
Okay, okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, okay. Hey. Look at me.
Hey, hey. Hey, son, son.
There's been an accident. But you look fine.
Everything's fine.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
Stay with me. Stay with me. Shit.
Stay with me.
God, God!
God!
It's a goddamn miracle that the kid's alive.
I would have to say "miraculous"
is the only adequate description.
So aside from the bum wrist and the, uh,
- broken ribs. - Well, there was the associated puncture
of the right lung, of course.
The perforation of the bladder.
- Uh, the bladder is functioning quite well now. - Hmm.
So he won't need, uh, diapers or anything
- permanently? - No, he will not.
Can you smoke in here?
I'm afraid you can't.
He exited the coma at approximately 9:15 last night.
His last recollection is being in the city on the day of the accident.
He's lucid, communicative if not somewhat despondent, which is to be expected.
He will recover. But I should tell you
that there may be some hurdles in the near term.
What kind of hurdles?
Oh, he may experience mood swings,
agitation, occasional confusion, but, uh...
...that should dissipate with time.
The brain.
The brain is an incredible instrument, Floyd,
capable of the most amazing things.
But for all of its tremendous power and magnificence,
it is incredibly fragile and remarkably sensitive.
And miracles aside, with all the trauma that Samuel has suffered,
it may be some time before his faculties come back to him.
Truth be told, he may never be that Samuel again.
How are you doing?
Who are you?
The guy?
My name's Floyd.
Hey.
I guess I should put these in some water.
You know, a lot of people out there might frown upon a man
giving another man some flowers, but...
...you don't have to worry about it. I'm not sweet on men, nothing like that.
I'm a family man.
And I can assure you that I am definitely a fan of the dames.
So, uh, Sammy, please accept these flowers.
- Please don't call me that. - Call you what?
Sammy. Don't call me Sammy.
Sammy? Sammy is one of the greatest nicknames in the history of mankind.
- Hands down. - Nobody calls me that.
I prefer Samuel or...
...Sam.
Well, let's go with Sam.
Thank you.
- You really don't like Sammy? - No, I really don't like it.
Okay. It's no problem.
I'll call you Sam.
You know, I've been, uh, here quite a bit since the accident and, uh...
Uh...
I'm sorry I hit you.
It just kind of happened.
I still don't know what... How... What...
I'm just... I'm just... I'm just sorry that I... that I hit you.
It's fine. I'm fine.
I'm here, uh...
Besides, I don't remember any of it, and it could have been worse.
Yeah. Could have been worse.
They said that your father has not come to this...
I... I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, I understand.
Dr. Ike told me that you were a writer.
So I've been thinking, uh...
...Would you consider writing my biography?
Uh, I don't...
I'm not really, uh...
I mean, thank you for thinking of me, but I write short stories mostly.
The occasionally essay, a few poems. Biography?
So you don't think you can do it?
It's not that I can't do it. Of course I can do it.
I'm capable. It's just...
It's not my thing, Floyd.
No, I understand, you're an artist. I respect that.
I can... I can see it and I can feel it.
But I challenge you.
I challenge you to at least try for once to do something different.
Because when opportunity knocks on your door, you might want to answer it,
even if she's wearing a goofy hat.
- Huh? - Just hear me out. I spoke to Dr. Ike,
and he explained to me the situation
you're in with your landlord in the city.
- Why is he telling you all this? - No, no, listen,
there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Everybody skips out on their rent every so often.
It's nothing. What I'm proposing is that you come and stay with us out here,
me and my family, until you get yourself back on your feet.
I can give you a cash stipend or a cash advance if you want to get professional about it.
And... and all you have to do is concentrate on... on healing up, man.
Just heal up and write at your own pace.
No deadlines. Just as it comes.
How much of a cash stipend are we talking?
- How much do you want? - Uh... um...
Five hundred.
- Five hundred it is. - Per week.
Dollars?
What do you think I meant?
I know what you meant.
This might sound strange, but...
...I have this funny feeling that...
He paused for a moment, pondering it, reconciling.
Before finally admitting
this was meant to be.
I repeated it to myself in my head several times.
"This was meant to be, this was meant to be, this was meant to be."
And wondered for just a moment
if there was any possibility he could be right.
This is it.
Beautiful home, Floyd.
She really is, isn't she?
Come on, let's go meet the kid.
Hey, you all right, pal?
Yeah.
Come on, I'll get your stuff.
Aloha. We're here.
I got that. Here, take a load off.
Where's the goddamn welcoming committee, Jackie?
Coming.
Jacqueline, Floyd's second wife.
And over a quarter century his junior.
She was a successful attorney, and on the partnership track
at Hutchinson, Zimmer, Wallerstein,
Wallerstein, Cohen and Clemens.
She loved the city, hated the long commute.
Would often work very late.
She claimed to let the traffic simmer down.
- Here's my boy, Eddie. - Edward.
He reminded me of myself.
He was a freshman at St. Gerard Academy, the youngest in his class.
A dangerous combination of incredible precociousness and hardwired pessimism.
His penchant for mischief hadn't yet become a serious cause for concern
between Floyd and Jacqueline.
And though he didn't have many friends.
He seemed perfectly content with the fact,
as he said, "People are scared of me and I like it."
Lily, can you do us a damn kindness and come downstairs, please?
Lily was Floyd's daughter from his first marriage.
After graduating from the music school at Fair Gate,
she experienced a great deal of difficulty pursuing a legitimate career
as a violinist.
Her growing sorrow helped turn occasional drinking into frequent cocaine use.
And this culminated in the inevitable mini breakdown...
...and requisite move back home to reorganize.
Welcome to the family.
Thank you so, so much.
Very good.
Uh, excuse me, but why is my silverware so small?
- How do you mean? - Look, my fork, it's half...
Uh.
It...
I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't mean smaller, I jus... I just meant I, uh...
I meant.
I me... Water.
- Looks delicious, Gloria. - Gracias.
- You're good? - Yeah.
Okay, everybody, Mangia.
So, Samuel, Floyd tells me that the two of you are working together on a book.
How exciting.
I have no idea
what it's about because he won't give me any details, but...
...I am sure it's going to be just... sensational.
- It's a secret. - Mm.
- Is it? - Mm-hmm. Classified. For now.
May I use the powder room?
- Yes, uh, it's right down the hallway. - Thank you.
- It's to the... to the left. - Okay, left.
Dad.
- Mm-hmm? - Is he okay?
Mm-hmm.
He's fine. Just a little shaken up, you know,
from the, uh, accident. Otherwise, he's fine.
Pass the cheese.
Rabbit.
- Hey, hey, hey. - What?
- What fuck is that? - The fuck's what?
Is that a dead rabbit?
Yeah, pretty much.
Jesus fucking Christ. Well, will you... will you please go back outside
and bury that little fellow?
- Hey, you been smoking again? - Yep.
You... you gotta quit smoking, man. That shit's going to kill you.
You're gonna end up like pops. You want to end up like pops?
Yep.
Just a second.
- Decent? - Yeah.
Brought you a little something, a little housewarming, so to speak.
- Floyd, this is completely unnecessary. - Ah, don't worry about it.
Open it up.
There you go.
Yeah, that's a fine robe.
I don't know what to say.
Nothing to say.
You already thanked me.
Well, thank you again. Really.
All right. I'll leave you to it.
It's good to have you here, pal.
I calculated quickly and figured that it was very likely a suicide note.
My suicide note.
Of course, I had to assume that the word "dome"
was meant to be "done."
It was a minor spelling error,
and to be expected under the circumstances.
I had to forgive myself.
Um, I was never really a bathrobe guy before that.
I've been a bathrobe guy for ages.
Used to steal them from hotels and... uh, but now I can afford them.
Barely.
- How about you, Linda? - I'm a woman, Dick.
I would never have guessed that.
Are we even getting paid for this?
Mm-mm.
Okay, went off the rails there for a bit. We're...
Oh, yes.
Floyd's life story.
Right. Well, um...
A few days had passed before we got to work and
I didn't really know where to begin.
But then I remembered reading Dmitry Hardow's book on Francois Lip Shits,
so I figured I'd do the same thing.
Just, uh, you know, start interviewing him,
ask him questions, keep it relaxed and...
...figure the rest out from there.
I should read the book.
Why the French flag?
Part French on my father's side and part Indian too.
Potawatomi.
All the way back to the French-Indian war on that side of the family.
Napoleon?
History has misjudged that man and I can think of no greater tragedy.
Hmm.
The man's legacy... Hey.
You should be recording this.
Mmm, I haven't touched this thing in years.
- It's all yours. - Micro Cassette.
- Always wanted one of these. - Knock yourself out.
- Okay, let me have that. - Oh...
- I am sorry. - Thank you very much.
I didn't mean to, uh...
Yeah, sorry.
I'll change that out.
Fresh take. There you go.
Floyd, you've got a great voice.
I used to be able to carry a tune, but not anymore.
Do you mind if I s... start?
I'm an open book.
Right, uh, before I do, regarding the book.
I have to ask.
Why are you keeping it a secret?
Hmm.
It's a good question.
We all live multicolored lives.
Each and every one of us and, uh...
...we all have a range of experiences.
- And... - You've been unfaithful.
Let's not shit in the soup just yet, my friend, okay?
I mean, we're gonna pull some teeth but let's try to ease into it a little bit, right?
- Okay. - For the record, I will say that my wife and I,
we have a great relationship, really terrific, uh...
But I will admit that, uh, Jacqueline...
Well, we'll get to that.
But, uh, what I will say is that I've had some experiences in my life.
Some... some jobs, some things that I've done that she's...
...not quite aware of per se.
Hmm.
Like what?
Military. Government. Et cetera.
- I'm intrigued. - Well, there's a lot more where that came from,
and we're gonna get there, and then you'll understand.
But back to Jacqueline, she...
She also might think that, you know, me writing my biography is, uh...
- It's a bit, uh... - Braggadocious?
No, I wouldn't say that.
That's, uh, that's not the right word for it.
Hmm. Premature?
- No, not that one either. - Pointless.
Pointless?
Well, I certainly...
I certainly don't feel that my life has been pointless.
- I'm sorry, I didn't... - No, listen, I've done a lot of...
I've done many great things with my life, things that I'm very proud of,
and everybody is going to read about it when the time is right.
Uh, well, uh... Secret's safe.
Um, do you have a pencil sharpener?
That's a pencil sharpener?
Thank you, sir.
Hey.
Are you all right?
I'm over here.
Over here.
Is that you talking?
Of course, who do you think it was?
God. God.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is happening?
No, no. Please don't be scared.
I'm just trying to...
You're up early.
Is everything okay? I heard a lot of yelling and dirty language.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry, appreciate the concern.
I was, uh, just... I was, uh... hoo...
I was, uh, doing push ups.
With one arm?
Uh, yeah, just a few.
- I like to stay in shape myself so... - I can tell.
I mean, yes, obviously.
I mean, I mean, of course, it's... it's good to...
I should go to work.
Me too. Writing.
- The book. - Yeah.
The book.
Yeah.
Have a good day, Samuel.
Hey.
- Let's see her. Let's go. - All right.
Oh, this is, uh, this is the guy I hit, my biographer.
- Sam. Nick. - Boy, you did a number on Floyd's caddie.
I didn't think she was gonna make it.
But we got her all done up like new for you, inside and out.
I can't wait to see her because if I got to drive that
goddamn rice grinder my daughter calls a car
- even one more day... - There she is.
Well, that's... that's, uh...
That's not the same color, is it?
Well, about the color, Floyd, you see, never really matched
the factory tint on a full repaint.
- So in a certain light, you might find it a little off. - A little off?
Let me get inside and start her up for you.
Dammit.
Who hasn't considered a pre-circuit at some point in your life.
I suppose what kept me away was thinking about
those guys in those layers of heavy cloaks in the middle of the summer time.
So that's the reason you didn't go to the seminary. The clothes?
Well, that and the, uh, celibacy issue.
That stuff's stuff what those guys do.
But don't do.
Do you mind if I ask you what you did before you were writing full time?
Just working for my father reluctantly.
Doing what?
Franchise operations consultant was my formal title.
Uncle Pete's Frozen Custard.
He's the CEO. He's Uncle Pete.
He was grooming me to take over the whole company eventually, but I couldn't stand it,
traveling all over the country in a shitty suit and tie,
dropping in on franchises and shitty strip malls,
making sure they're displaying all their shitty promotional material.
It just... I don't know, the whole thing depressed the shit out of me.
It made me physically ill. Seriously.
Anyway, he fired me. Then a bunch of other bad stuff happened,
with my girlfriend dumping me and even more bad stuff, so...
...I hate him and we'll never speak again.
I hated him before he fired me actually, hated him long before I even worked for him
which is why I was reluctant to...
Why did you stop?
I... I... I was eating Uncle Pete's frozen custard
the night of the accident just before I hit you.
I was eating Uncle Pete's frozen custard, and it's like my favorite ice cream.
It's everybody's favorite ice cream.
Why do you think they have almost 2000 locations?
It's actually not ice cream. It's custard. There's a difference.
Custard contains pasteurized egg yolks, which gives it its creamy finish,
- and the machine used... - Does it not seem strange to you?
No, I mean... not really, no.
I...
Why do you hate him?
That stuff is delicious, man.
I want to show you something.
Who is he?
This is my father.
Yes, indeed.
This old cocksucker is my dear old dad.
Can he hear us?
Can't hear a goddamn thing. Can you, pops?
This isn't right.
Exactly. Exactly.
Listen, I don't know the pertinence on the decline
of your relationship with your father, and I'm not asking.
I just want to let you know that you can talk to me about anything any time,
and there will never be any judgment. Understood?
As far as this old bag of bones...
...I hate him too.
I just wish he could hear me say that.
Sometimes family isn't family at all.
Hey, why don't you, uh, wait in the car?
- I'll be right down, okay? - Sure.
- Hey, brother. - What's up, Floyd?
- Thanks for the help. - Yeah, my pleasure.
- Here's 20. - Oh, you, uh, said 50.
- Did I? - Yeah.
Okay.
Of course I thought it was his real father.
I had no reason to believe otherwise. And...
...he got so emotional.
I felt for him.
And I knew he felt for me.
He was coming from a good place.
And he hadn't told you yet what he did for a living?
He said he was semi-retired,
that he was working for Grand Bath Martlin.
The government contractor.
Hey, what for the hell are you doing?
- Do it! - No, don't do it.
Do it!
Are you fucking kidding me?
You got to go to a hospital to take that thing off.
I am not going to that hospital again.
- Ever. - Oh, it stinks.
- Why aren't you at school? - Sick.
I got to go to work.
Put an ace bandage on that thing or something.
- Ridiculous. - Oh, it's so...
...weak.
And pale.
Don't you agree?
Uh, yeah. Uh, completely. Absolutely.
It's not like I want to be a librarian, but I'm just there.
Until I sort things out.
Plus... I love being surrounded by books.
- Who wouldn't? - Alright.
You are all set back.
There you go.
Fantastic.
Thank you, Lily.
Hey, uh,
you could always be a nurse.
Fantastic.
Thank you, Lily.
Uh, you can always be a nurse.
Are you ok... Are you okay? What's wrong?
Did I...
Did I just thank you twice in a row like exactly the same way?
No. No, just once.
Very nicely.
I'm sorry. It's just...
Still getting my wits about me.
Yeah, it's okay.
You're doing great.
Do you need anything before I go?
Well, I am heading to the library.
I'll see you later.
What made you join the military?
Oh, I was recruited.
The marines, they were starting a new clandestine unit.
Very small. Very secret.
And they needed, uh, ten men total, ten men in the whole country.
So they, uh, they went searching coast to coast.
Wrangled up about 100 candidates,
and sent us up, uh, it was up north to Alaska.
Nine months of torture. Pure torture.
It makes the SEALs look like nap time at a nursery school.
I really don't know how I survived it, in fact, uh,
there was a few recruits that I know...
Sorry.
Uh, there was, uh, a few young men who died
the first week there on the Younger York Island.
Anyhow, the last ten bastards standing
all happened to be Ivy Leaguers with backgrounds of science.
And it was mostly plastics.
Plastics?
And is that... is that the work you do now? Uh, plastics?
Yes. So... some plastics.
Some of the work is also with, uh, lenses. Lenses and lasers.
Wow.
Yeah. It's a... Yeah, it's amazing stuff.
Hey, maestro. Here you go.
Find your Beethoven right here.
Personally, not a fan, but I got you some other stuff too.
That musty, old garage down there, full of treasures.
By the way, do you play table tennis?
Ping pong?
No, not ping pong, table tennis.
Ping pong is like the "N" word in our sport.
Table tennis.
Now that you've shed that plaster cast,
perhaps me and you can, uh, partake in a little game.
- When you're ready. - Yeah, sure.
Maybe sometime.
Okay.
- "Natural Sounds of Earth"? - Oh, yeah,
I picked that out for you because I know you need to relax a little bit.
This is especially good when you're having a rough day.
- You just sit back and close your eyes. - You breathe through it.
Personally, it's helped me a lot.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
I'll check it out.
So, how is this coming?
Oh, I, um, uh, I... I haven't really committed much to the page yet.
I'm s... still in my discovery face.
No, I can see that. There's no pressure.
It'll come.
And I've got the general direction mapped out.
There's um, uh,
so, I mean, yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm feeling re...
I'm feeling pretty good about it, actually.
Okay, well,
that reminds me, I got here $350, it's all I got on me right now.
- Put the rest on my tab. - Tab?
- Floyd, it's $300. - That's $350 there.
- It's $300. - Okay, my bad. $300.
Put the rest on my tab. I'll get it to you, like, uh,
Friday, Saturday, but soon, I'll get it to you soon.
It's fine, whenever. I know you're good for it.
- Hey, is this the kid? - This is him.
Did you know, you just can't waltz into the arena and start bullfighting.
Believe me, I've tried twice. It's a blood sport we are talking about.
- Mr. Floyd. - Hey, Sonny, what it be?
What are we doing here?
I'm taking you to lunch.
Oh.
Mm.
Look at this. "Beans' big buckets do it again."
This hulking mass of pure fury is Lentil Beans Washington.
One of the best basketball players in the country.
He plays for Eddie's school at St. Jerry's.
High school basketball is a very big deal around here.
Very big deal.
You a basketball fan?
Yeah, sure.
- Pros. - Pros.
There's no purity in professional basketball.
It's barely any in college. High school basketball
is where the game is really played.
At its essence.
Let's check it out.
Boy's made out of metal, he's a goddamn machine.
- How old is that fucking guy? - Old enough.
Sit down.
Atta boy, Beans. Atta boy!
What the fuck do you think you're doing in here?
This is a close practice, you jagoff.
It's also a Catholic school, Greg,
one that I pay an exorbitant amount of tuition for
I might add, Jagoff.
Get the fuck out of here, Floyd.
You fucking jackass.
Door's that way.
Sit down.
- Fucker! - Hey!
We're leaving.
Hey, Beans...
Hey, Greg, say hi to your wife from me.
Woo!
Come on. Let's go. Keep playing, keep playing.
His wife,
she goosed me at a fundraiser last October,
and he saw the whole thing.
I hit him low!
Okay. Put your arms up.
Put your arms up, breathe, breathe, breathe. Ah...
Hey, hey. You alright, pal?
Tell me you're OK.
Must have gotten light headed from... from running.
Jokes.
Yeah. Okay, come on.
Give me a hand. Let me, let me get you up.
Let me get you to the car.
It's fine. I'm fine.
- I promise. - You sure?
- Yes. Are you kidding me? - Totally.
Okay, if you're sure.
Hey, listen, uh, I think Eddie has a detention again today and, uh...
He might be getting out soon. So we're gonna wait around
- and give him a ride home, okay? - Of course.
Is there any orange juice?
Yeah, I'll see what I can find.
I'm gonna get some fresh air. I'm feeling a little damp myself.
Edward did have detention again that day
as he would the next day,
and the next, and many more after that.
But it wasn't Edward that Floyd was waiting for.
It was Beans.
Hello, stranger.
Santa?
Is... is that you?
No, little boy. It's not Santa.
But I have something for you.
Have you been a good, little boy?
Are you...
...really in here right now?
I don't know.
Why don't you touch me and find out?
Is that it?
- Do you want me to touch you? - Uh-huh.
- On your penis? - Yeah.
No. Oh my God.
What are you doing? What am I doing? No, this can't...
Relax. It's okay.
Hey, no, wait. You... you are married to... to Floyd.
And what... Floyd... No. He's like...
He's... he's, like, becoming like... like a father to me now.
Kind of.
He ran you over with his car.
Yeah, but he didn't, like, he didn't, like, run me over.
- I flew over. It wasn't... - He won't care.
And he won't know.
We can be quiet and quick.
I don't mind.
Hey... he... I'm sorry.
I... I... Please, I can't.
It's Lily, isn't it?
What? No. Lily?
- You kidding me? Ew. - You want to fuck her I know.
Look, I love her.
Like my own daughter. I do.
But that girl is a little fucking coke whore with deep,
dark, deep emotional problems.
I'm just putting that out there.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
You're very sex... Pretty.
I... I just...
Uh.
I... I like your robe.
Floyd got it for me. For Christmas.
I'm sor...
All right.
Sleep tight.
See you soon.
What you looking at?
What are you doing here?
I was gonna ask you the same thing.
You are...
...beautiful.
The cooler!
Is that...
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
It's me.
Floyd!
Fuck...
Floyd!
- Floyd! - Yeah. Yeah?
No, I'm no shark. But I got a funny feeling about this, Gus.
Yeah, but...
Uh, Gus, le... No, no, everything's okay.
Uh, let me holler back at you.
Yeah. I'll call you back.
All right, pal.
You all right?
- Huh? Okay. - I had a horrible nightmare.
- What? Tell me what happened. - I had a horrible nightmare.
I told him about the dream... and how this one was very different.
Felt different. Like it was real.
I told him about Lily and...
...the demon.
I told him about falling and, um...
...watching myself die...
...and about the painting.
I didn't know if...
...if the place was haunted... or if it was me.
He said he had some background in parapsychology.
"More than just armchair," is how he put it.
Wanted to give me some tests.
What kind of tests?
Uh, there were shapes, uh, geometric shapes.
Uh, just drawings of animals.
Is it a llama?
No, but close.
It's not a llama, it's an alpaca.
Very similar, but not the same.
- It's a penny. - It's not just any penny.
This little fellow, he was minted in 1909.
It's worth a couple thousands bucks. In perfect condition.
And it was in perfect condition until my Lily painted this heart on it.
She was a little girl. She thought that would make me happy.
Now, it's technically worthless.
But it's priceless to me.
I'm gonna ask you to do something.
When I give you the go ahead.
I want you to close your eyes.
I want you to take a deep breath.
And I want you to count down from six to zero.
And when you open your eyes, you're gonna focus on this penny.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay.
And...
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Zero.
Yes! Yes!
I haven't finished reading but you have to tell me.
Where did it go?
Uh, well, I guess you'll just have to finish reading.
Um, what do you think so far?
I haven't read it.
- But you just said... - My assistance's reading it.
She loves it. I love it.
- We want it. - You...
Really?
Oh my.
Wow.
I'm gonna be published.
- But wait, if she hasn't... - Doesn't matter, we want it.
We want you. You're a bestseller.
Watch, we're already talking movie rights.
- What is that? - It's French. The whole package.
Now tell me what happened.
- Shit. - What's that?
A little louder.
I feel like shit.
Oh, don't worry. Eddie's coming up with a Falkenhagen and two quasidream.
You'll feel better.
I'm sorry, Floyd.
- What are you sorry about? - About your penny.
- My penny? - It's priceless.
- Now it's gone. - Priceless?
That was just a figure of speech. It's just a penny.
What was priceless is what just happened out there.
That was like a one in a million thing. Less than that, it was like one in 100 million.
That was very special stuff.
That was magic.
Do you realize that we can make a killing with that?
There's some serious money.
Plenty of pennies.
You have a precious talent.
You have a gift, and you can call it what you want,
- but if we... - A curse.
I call it a fucking curse.
- What is this? - Beer.
Thank you.
Okay. You got two?
All right, thanks.
What are you doing?
Just what you told me to. Brought the beer and the sinus pills.
Feel better.
I usually buy American, but the Falkenhagen's got special ingredients.
It's gonna settle your stomach. And the quasidream,
it's going to clear your head.
Those two little fuckers are gonna cut right through the fog.
Go ahead. Take them.
There you go.
Good. Sam, listen to me very carefully.
Floyd, I am not going to do it again ever.
So don't ask, and please...
- That's okay. - Please don't tell anyone.
I'm not gonna tell anybody. Why would I tell anybody?
I don't know. But everything is different now
after the accident. Nothing's normal.
- Listen, you want to see Dr. Ike? - I'm not going to a hospital.
Okay. You're not going to a hospital.
I just want you to feel better.
- I'm crazy. - Everything's crazy.
And that's normal.
You're gonna get through this, pal.
Okay?
- You okay? - No, I'm not okay.
I'm not okay at all.
From under the cover of my bed sheet, I explained to Floyd
that a most severe depression had consumed me,
and that it would be entirely impossible for me to face anybody.
For how long? I didn't yet know.
I asked for some time away from our work on the book.
He immediately obliged and then left me alone.
Though he wouldn't tell me then, for fear of further degrading my delicate mental condition.
He found the penny at the end of the driveway.
Special stuff indeed.
I stayed in that room for days.
I have no idea how many.
And I didn't have an appetite for anything.
An impossible darkness had descended upon me.
My conversations with Santa became more frequent, almost constant,
and gradually took on a tone that could only be described as adversarial.
You want me gone, don't you?
Say it! Say it! Just say it!
You stinking little shitty, little fuzzy, fucking fussy!
Say it, "I'll do it. You know I will." Just say it!
Getting really tired of this, Sam.
I've been trying to help you.
One of us had to go.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it! I don't... Stop it!
Are you...
- Get the fuck out of here! - Oh.
Eventually, I let Floyd in.
He suggested that we talk,
and after my initial refusal, we did. For hours.
He had no idea where Santa came from or why he was in there in the first place.
Especially outside of the season.
Nonetheless, we continued,
and I revealed things to him on that day
that I've never revealed to anyone.
It helped me a great deal.
I wasn't with Floyd on the night of the big game.
Though I had begun to feel a bit more like myself,
I wasn't out of the woods. Not yet.
I walked alone into town
to the King's Imperial Theater on Main Street.
They were screening a restored print of Victory, Oh, Victory
by the Austro-Bavarian director Jan Vogelweide.
Turn it up. Turn it up. Turn it up.
- Turn it up. - Hey, I meant to ask you, how's the, uh,
- bibliography coming along? - Not now, Roy. Not now.
Well, folks, St. Jerry's face crosstown rival
Northeast High tonight.
And, uh, jeesh, where do we begin?
National phenom Beans Washington turned in an absolutely abysmal
five points on 57 attempts.
Yeah, you heard that right.
It was his lowest point total since the second grade,
a striking aberration in the season where he averaged over 50 points a game.
When questioned afterward,
he stated with complete certainty,
"I'm definitely catching that pink eye."
Despite little to no outward appearance of discoloration.
Greg Osterhoudt was promptly relieved of his coaching duties the following morning.
It was their worst loss in seven seasons.
Traitor!
Shut the fuck up, Jimmy!
Shut the fuck up!
Yes, yes!
Count it.
That should take care of my tab.
- There's an extra 100. - Performance bonus.
I'm gonna take you to dinner in the city. I got this great, little Italian joint.
I want you to meet somebody.
- How are you, my love? - Good.
Good.
Samuel, this is Kimmi Hamasaki, my acupuncturist.
Best in the city.
This is Samuel, my biographer.
The young man I hit with my car.
Uh... uh, wow, um.
It's a... It's so nice to meet you.
Floyd told me so much about you.
She is also an expert in shiatsu
- and other forms of... - Eastern massage.
That's right, Eastern massage. That's what we like to call it.
Oh.
Will you gentlemen excuse me?
- I'm going to. - Mm-hmm.
Hurry back.
Mm.
- She's something. - Yeah, definitely something.
Floyd, what exactly is she?
- You didn't get her for me? - I'm in love with her, pal.
Got it really bad.
I'm gonna say something to you off the record.
Me and Jacqueline, it's not really working right now.
The waters are choppy, you understand?
Listen, relationships are strange.
It's like an enigma. Women are an enigma.
No, women are more like a riddle.
The whole goddamn thing is a... is a conundrum.
That's what it is.
A man, he has to eat, right?
And when there's no food at home, he's got to go out for dinner.
Personally I don't like their cars very much.
But the Japanese people...
...they have this relentless pursuit for absolute perfection in everything.
I mean, and the women... I'm telling you, man,
it's like...
What a culture.
Yeah.
How's the mac and cheese?
So I said, "Honey, you can't make peanut butter cookies without a little peanut butter."
Oh, here you go.
Who the fuck is this little fruit?
This is Bobby.
- This is the assistant tennis pro? - Try paralegal, dude.
- Dude? - Yeah, dude.
- Look who has a sense of humor. - What the fuck, man?
I'll fucking sue your ass. I work at a law firm, fuck face.
Bobby, I would like you to meet my husband, Floyd.
Oh, and his female friend from the "Rub and tug."
- What's your name, sweetie? - I am Kimmi.
I'm sorry.
And this is Samuel.
My husband's victim in a vehicular assault
which resulted in a traumatic brain injury.
What's up?
Well, it was nice seeing all of you.
Night, night.
Hey, Bobby boy.
Forgot your purse.
Here you go.
Fuck!
- Come on, baby. - My papers...
What papers? Leave them!
I'd like to apologize.
I yelled at you when I was going crazy.
You were just concerned.
You didn't deserve it.
I'm sure I frightened you.
I know you're mad at me.
You're really very sweet.
I... I can't stop thinking about it.
I feel terrible, so...
Uh, will you... will you please forgive me?
It's... it's fake.
It's silk.
It's real. It's just silk.
Smells like a real rose.
Yeah, they must spray them or I don't know.
I would... I... I wouldn't get too close.
Might give you a rash or something.
Thank you for my smelly, little rose.
And thank you for apologizing.
So...
...you forgive me?
Cool.
Floyd found it to be a terribly haunting coincidence
that on the night of our accident
he was enjoying a delicious uncle Pete's frozen custard,
and my father happened to be the founder CEO and corporate namesake.
This vexed him greatly and he mentioned it to me several times during my stay,
always befuddled, insisting that there must be a connection.
I didn't think so at the time...
...as the fates would have it, whomsoever they might be,
it just so happened that Beans was also enjoying
a delicious uncle Pete's frozen custard
on what could be considered an equally momentous evening.
Bro, don't... come on, don't do that.
Excuse me a moment, sir.
Lentil Washington, I presume?
We've been following your career for quite some time, Mr. Washington.
You an agent or somethin' like that?
Something like that.
The man I work for is incredibly wealthy, very powerful,
and he's taken a great interest in you.
He request your audience this evening if you'd be so inclined.
- Of course. - Yeah, why not?
I'm sorry. We're gonna have to ask your friend to stay behind this evening.
- Come on, man. I'm his body guard. - Chill, chill, man, it's...
- Look, I'll holler at you. - All right, man.
Hello?
Yeah, I'll accept the call.
Hey, hey, hold... slow down.
I can't understand a word you're saying, you know,
you're crying, the tears and all that.
Who fucked you up?
What... What do you mean you don't know what happened? Wha... What happened?
You were at Uncle Pete's custard?
Tha... That's a delicious custard.
You know, my biographer, he's, uh, his father was the one...
Okay. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead.
Tell me what happened.
They took you... Where did they take you for a ride?
They put a sack on your head?
What kind of shot did they give you?
What do you mean you don't remember?
You started talking. Okay, listen, Beans.
Listen to me very carefully.
Did you mention my name?
What do you mean you don't know? You either mentioned my name or you didn't mention my name.
Well, what do you know? Tell me wha... what you remember?
So, you're all bruised up. The bruises go away quickly.
Just have to get some rest, okay? Just go home and get some rest.
They left you naked in the street?
Oh, racist bastards.
Okay, listen to me. You gotta get some clothes or a top or...
or put a hat on that thing.
Beans.
Do you hear what I... Beans?
Fuck. Beans?
Goddamn it.
I remember stopping, wiped off my goggles.
And I looked back at Tex.
And the poor guy was barely hanging on behind me.
I knew right then and there, he was gonna loose both hands.
So I took out my serrated knife and held his head in my hand.
Hey.
What the fuck?
I hadn't heard that one.
I'm sure he'll tell you himself someday.
Doubt it.
...there's a note on my locker.
I mean, how passive egregious can you be?
Right? Then, Murph accuses me of stealing his comb.
I mean, why would I steal his comb?
I got my own damn comb right here.
You feeling all right, Floyd?
You seem like you're not feeling, uh...
Well, you're not feeling alright.
Had a meatball hoagie for lunch.
Went sour on me. I might have to shed a tear.
Let it out. That's me here.
Thanks for the lift, Floyd.
So, he was named after his mother.
Uh, yes, Florence.
But he had gone by Floyd since he was very young.
- For obvious reasons. - Hmm.
- Children can be so cruel. - Hmm.
And you weren't aware of any of his other aliases?
No, I wasn't aware of any of that, uh... that side of things, uh...
Until the afternoon that we met Anselm
You know what the word "chaos" means?
- "Chaos?" - I have an idea.
Yeah, it's, uh, total lack of order? Mayhem?
Yeah, uh, but it's also the stuff that existed before the universe was born.
The Ancient Greeks, they thought that we all came from chaos.
Floyd!
Who the fuck is that?
Well, there seems to be, uh, some sort of, uh...
...misunderstanding, and I'm prepared to clear things up by phone anytime.
I'm afraid that won't work.
Oh, shit.
Do you mind if I bring my biographer? He's chronicling my life.
Toothpick?
Are they flavored?
Fuck's sake.
Cinnamon.
Nah, sorry, allergic.
May I interest either of you any refreshment?
Yes, I would like a pip Winkelmann. Heavy on the lemon, easy on the rocks.
- Of course. - Thank you.
- And for you, sir? - Uh, I do a Falkenhagen
if you've got one.
We certainly do.
You're gonna tell me what the fuck we're doing here?
Gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us.
Why don't you grab your beverages and follow me?
I'm one of Mr. Vogel Vita's attorneys,
also his second cousin.
Did You say, Vogel Vita?
Any relation to Yan Vogel Vita?
- The Austro-Bavarian propagandist filmmaker? - Distant.
But yes.
Falkenhagen, it's one of our beer brands.
Get out!
Really? We love this stuff.
Must take a lot of beer to buy a place like this.
Aside from the brewery and import businesses,
Anselm has interests in a wide range of corporate concerns.
The financial sector, software and technology.
Ah, speaking of which.
- Hello, Andre. - Hello, Charles.
Follow me.
Oh.
My little nephew. Louis.
Anselm, your guests,
Floyd and his biographer.
Uh, Samuel.
Your nephew is incredible.
- I'm a huge Beethoven fan and that... - Same here, a big fan.
Terrific fan of Beethoven. Your nephew, very talented musician.
And, uh, it was a nice touch with the wig and the little knickers, I dig it.
Floyd.
I've been looking for you.
Oh, thank you.
Chin, please. The dossier.
Fred X. Dennis. A.k.a Frederick Dobson.
A.k.a Freddie Pendergrass.
A.k.a Rick Stops.
Born Florence Miguelito Devereaux Gutierrez.
Presently Floyd.
After dropping out of high school, spent several fruitless years
wandering the west Coast as an aspiring jazz vocalist,
but developed into a small time con artist,
- penitentiary marijuana dealer, and occasional gigolo instead. - Naughty boy.
Over a dozen misdemeanor arrests that we found,
and two expunge felonies.
Currently under investigation for insurance fraud,
suspected of forgery and counterfeiting,
arson and public intoxication.
Previously employed locally by Febreze auto as a used car salesman.
Hey, hey! I've never sold used.
Until he was fired.
And presently working flex time as a security guard at Grand Bath Martlin.
Is that...
...more or less the synopsis of your...
...biography?
No, no, it's not, not at fucking all.
Can I get another drink?
Do you know why we brought you here today?
You've stolen from me.
I steal from you, pal?
You see, Floyd.
Much like you, I quite enjoy gambling on athletics.
In particular high school hoops.
But when I recently lost a significant speculation on a near certain winner,
I have decided to do a little digging for myself.
You paid Lentil Washington,
a.k.a Beans...
...to throw that game
in order to guarantee a win for yourself.
A piddling $11,000.
And your little transgression...
...caused me to lose. And I know this all for certain.
And you know I know this for certain, don't you?
I could've went fink on you, I could've told your bookie...
...but you'd be dead already, and that does nothing for me.
So, this is what we shall do.
There is a particular politician from the Congo coming to town in a few weeks.
He's been giving me a bit of trouble in his part of the world.
I will not tire you with the tedium as it is entirely material.
But, essentially...
...I shall need you to extinguish him.
Extinguish? As in kill?
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, pal. I've done a lot of things in my life, murderer isn't one of them.
Okay.
Then you shall pay me what you owe me,
plus interest within seven days.
Or I shall extinguish you.
How much would that be?
- $919,756.66. - That's bullshit.
How am I supposed to get that in a week?
I don't care, rob a bank.
He was a dreadful attorney.
But that fact aside...
...if I will do that to him,
my own cousin...
...please know, I will do the same to you with pleasure.
Thank you for listening. Bye-bye.
Okay. Hold on a sec. Hold on a sec.
Bye-bye!
Oh, and please make sure Charles is not breathing
before you dump him. Thank you.
Okay. Where were we?
You are going to dance for me.
Okay, guys, we'll see you next week.
These guys are not that bad.
I always say, you gotta kill them with kindness,
and they will kill you...
You fucking liar!
Fucking shit. Piece of shit.
When the smoke clears, everybody's lying about something. Everybody.
You're a sociopath.
Yeah. Well, I'm not the one hearing voices.
I said sociopath, not schizophrenic!
Whatever. They're both tomatoes.
- Listen, I'm sorry. I was going to come clean. - Fuck you, man.
I will put this shit in the book.
- All of it. - Do I care?
Do I care? No, I don't care.
- Write whatever you want. - Oh, I will, asshole.
- Fine, asshole. - Asshole?
You're the asshole!
Yeah.
Wipe your fucking nose.
Why?
He knew that I wouldn't trust him anymore.
That a simple apology wouldn't suffice.
So he answered my questions, filled in the gaps
and asked only that I withhold judgment
just as he would for me.
He told me he needed me as a friend and he meant it.
- Oh... - Game!
- Cheers. - Cheers.
So...
...what are you gonna do? Can you mortgage the house?
No, the house isn't mine. It belongs to Jackie.
She has all the cash.
Can you ask her for...
Right.
I made my bed but I got a plan.
I'm going to do what that what's his name said, I'm gonna rob a bank.
No, you're not.
Yeah.
It's an old chestnut, I know, but that's why it's going to work.
Have a good feeling about it.
Besides, where am I going to get
close to a million dollars in less than a week?
Bank I guess.
Do you have a gun from work?
No, we use bear spray and sticks.
But...
- You're gonna rob a bank with that? - Mm-hmm.
It doesn't work. Sitting on the bottom of a retention pond for over a year.
I don't even have bullets for it, but...
...we're gonna have to pull something in there.
Not worried about it. We'll be fine.
We? What?
Are you kidding me?
- No. - No, no, no.
I am not robbing a fucking bank, Floyd!
- No, no way. - Of course you're not robbing the bank.
I would never put you in harm's way.
- It's why you're driving. - Floyd.
No.
This is your thing.
Well, I figured you'd say that.
Suppose I could drum up somebody else.
Better lay off that flask, my friend.
I'm nervous, I'm about to rob a damn bank, Floyd.
I'm robbing the bank, you're driving. You shouldn't be drinking.
Let me have that.
Hmm.
You got your lipstick on it.
What are you doing? Putting lipstick on
if you're just gonna wear a damn mask.
Helps me get into character.
Oh.
There's no way that thing's gonna work.
You're right, it doesn't.
- Oh, shit. - Where'd it go?
Shit.
- Is that blood? - A little bit.
- Am I bleeding? - A little bit.
- Floyd, why am I bleeding? - Just put a little pressure on that right now and... Here.
Keep drinking, all right? Just keep drinking.
Oh, shit.
Fuck. And, uh, let me get organized here.
I'm just gonna take care of business. I'm gonna go in and out.
Five minutes. It will take five minutes. Here, hold that mirror up.
I'll be right back.
Oh, fuck. Where's the mirror?
Hold it up. I can't see, goddamn it.
Stop shaking.
I can't... I can't see a goddamn thing.
Oh, shit. That looks terrible.
Oh, shit. Hold it up! Hold it up!
Fuck.
Okay, all right. Just give me five minutes. I'll be right back.
We'll get you stitched up.
Where's my purse?
Hurry up, Floyd.
He shot me.
F...
Oh, shit.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Straighten out, straighten out! Where are you going?
Straighten out! Straighten out!
Come on, come on. Oh, shit!
You're kidding me.
As Roy slowly tiptoed to the other side,
Floyd's fortune or lack thereof found him unable
to successfully evade the police after his heist.
Dispatched immediately in seeking a transvestite suspect in white evening gloves,
they found their man just 100 yards from the bank's entrance.
Are you sure?
All right, losers weepers.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Luckily, he would avoid yet another arrest
because these cops on this day...
...just couldn't bear the thought of all that paperwork.
Do they know you don't have the money?
Did you tell them you got robbed by the cops, or...
...did you ask for more time?
Time's up.
What are you gonna do?
You're smoking?
I bumped it from Eddie.
You know, about a month ago, Kimmi asked me
to move with her to Colorado where her sister lives.
Kimmi loves the mountains.
Should've said yes.
What about your family?
Eddie's at that age..
Well, he can't stand me.
And, uh, Jackie.
Lily might care.
She knows how much I love her.
Where did you find this?
I found it in the street by the mailbox.
How did...
I want you to have it.
Floyd.
There's something I have to tell you.
I don't...
I don't really remember, but...
...I think...
The night you hit me...
...it wasn't your fault.
I wanted you to hit me.
- I'm so sorry. - I'm lucky you did.
You're the closest...
You saved me.
Hey, pal. How you doing?
- Let me go upstairs, grab your cash, I'll be right back. - Certainly.
But please be cognizant.
You're not back down here in 90 seconds with what's expected,
you're gonna make things very difficult for me and for yourself.
Okay.
What?
You know I love you, right?
Hey.
- What are you doing? - I'm just reading.
He's gone. In the woods.
Floyd!
Wait!
No! Please don't kill him!
Six. Five.
Two.
One.
Zero.
The bush!
I miss him.
I'm sorry, I'm...
Where were we?
The epilogue.
I was in the hospital during Floyd's funeral.
Wouldn't have been able to go anyway. Not then.
They didn't even have anything to bury.
They just put a few of his favorite things into a casket.
The meteor hit that same night.
It was in my dream.
I told Floyd about it and he knew it meant something.
Just didn't know what.
This, mm...
Delicious.
Oh.
Jacqueline called me out of the blue, she wanted to meet.
She sold the house, moved to the city with Edward,
bought a block from Floyd's favorite old diner.
She had just gotten engaged to an architect,
little younger I guess, said Edward really liked him.
She told me her sister had been in Las Vegas
and swore she saw Floyd.
She said if he was alive, if he ever
reached out to me...
...she'd just want him to know that they were doing fine, they were happy,
and she hoped he finally found happiness wherever he was.
Not long after that, I was in Denver for a signing.
It's unbelievable.
It was like...
It was him.
...I'd seen a ghost.
Astonishing.
Truly.
What about Lily?
Thank you.
Lily moved away soon after the funeral.
She came to visit me in the hospital before she left.
I hadn't seen her since then but...
...I thought about her every single day.