* *
(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing)
KAT: All right. Let's do it again from the top.
We can cue music.
* Marry me, marry me, say yes *
* Marry me, marry me *
* Say yes, for the rest, the rest *
* I never seen forever *
* I never seen forever in the wild *
* But now I'm lookin', now I'm lookin' in its eyes... *
HODA KOTB: Tomorrow night, superstar Kat Valdez
and Grammy-winning hot, hot, hot Bastian
will make history when they perform
their new hit song "Marry Me" and exchange vows
in front of the whole world.
-20 million people. -(cheering)
BASTIAN: See you tomorrow.
I'll be the one in the veil.
And guess who's gonna be one of them. Me!
Okay, I hear that she is wearing a Zuhair Murad custom gown
with 10,000 hand-beaded crystals.
I feel so grateful right now
that everything is the way it is.
I have a beautiful fiancé
who's so supportive and loving and...
I feel so grateful for the American fans because
they are supporting me and Kat in a very nice way.
"Marry Me" is sweeping the country.
KAT: Planning the wedding show has been insane.
Strike that, the world.
Kat Valdez and Bastian are taking their vows onstage
in New York City tomorrow night,
and then jetting off to a private island
where they'll make, let's hope, more beautiful music together.
JUSTIN SYLVESTER: City National Bank,
bank of the stars, presents "Marry Me."
The end of a tour and the beginning of a lifetime.
And with me is Colin Calloway, her manager. How are you?
I'm very well, Justin. How are you?
I'm good. Now, I heard this was all Bastian's idea.
Uh, no, no, no, they-they both wanted to give
-something back to the fans. -You know, combined,
they have a social reach of over 200 million people?
Uh, yeah, of course I know that. I'm-I'm the manager.
-Uh... uh... -Who's a bridesmaid?
What about her exes? Will they be in the audience?
They got some people, uh, waiting for me,
so I'm just gonna go and deal with that.
-Just... -Bye, guys.
I hate dealing with managers.
* Marry me *
* I want you in my life so bad *
* Ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma *
* Marry me. *
WOMAN: Can somebody get this cart?
-Can somebody help me? -(indistinct chatter)
It's a gift from Pasquale Bruni.
I mean, if you don't like it, I'll take it.
-Oh, that's beautiful. -Ah!
(both laughing)
Um, let's pack it for the honeymoon.
-Okay. -Okay?
KAT: Oh, more flowers.
(chuckling): My God, this is insane.
This is nothing. There's a moving van on Park
stuffed with wedding gifts, including a stove.
-Someone got me a stove? -It's from a fan.
(scoffs) Who thinks I don't have a stove?
COLIN: Yeah, Tyra?
Donate all of it.
-("Marry Me" ringtone plays) -Oh, it's Tom from iHeartRadio.
Tom, the man himself. Talk to me.
Of course I've got some tickets for you,
even if we are completely sold out.
I don't think there's a single person in this city
who's not clamoring to come to this wedding.
Think this is one of my better lunches,
but you be the judge.
Dad, don't mess up my hair.
I thought that gave you good luck.
That was, like, a long time ago.
I think it was about a month ago.
How great is this?
Going to the same school together.
-Mm-hmm, great. -Oh, and, Lou, you probably
won't see that much of me.
I know that could be a problem for you,
but if you need to see me anytime...
I won't.
I like the independence. Good.
Oh, and you know the student that you're shadowing, Esther?
Full disclosure, Esther is in my math club,
but I don't want you to feel any pressure to join.
I'm not joining.
Tough audience.
(snoring)
(kids chattering)
Um, Dad?
-Can I go in alone? -Of course.
I was just gonna ask you the same thing.
If I could walk in alone, you know, for my street cred.
I love you!
You may be good at football, you may be good at track,
but when it comes to math clubs...
ALL: You better watch your back!
Coolidge Pi-thons attack!
-(hissing) -Yes!
What's our number?
ALL: 3.141592...
-(school bell rings) -65839...
Percy, we got it. Good.
Okay, remember, if you sit in the question,
the answer will find you.
Terrific job today. I love the energy.
I'm telling you, if we bring that
to the Mathalon finals, we win the...
-Oh, Esther, you got a second? -Yeah.
How's Lou doing? She good?
I think so.
You know, she's great at math, so at some point,
I wouldn't be surprised if she starts asking
about maybe joining the Pi-thons.
'Cause, you know, at her last school,
she made it to the Mathalon finals.
Really? She never mentioned that.
Ah, you know, that's the thing. She's really shy.
Oh, not at all. She was telling me about her vacation
and about this guy named David.
David? My ex's new husband?
-What did she say about him? -Oh...
It doesn't matter. Never mind.
Actually, go ahead. Tell me.
Oh, just that he's awesome
and no matter what they do, it's always cool
-and exciting and, you know... -Fun.
-Yeah. (chuckles) -Gotcha.
-All right. -Okay. Thanks, Esther.
I guess they're going cave diving.
-Hmm. Cave diving. -Yeah.
-(door opens, closes) -Where?
PARKER: In a stairwell, spying on your daughter.
-Really? -CHARLIE: We're not spying.
We're-we're just watching from a distance.
We're not spying.
Look, she had a hard time at her last school.
I just want to make sure she's okay.
So, what, you thought you'd hook her up with the cool kids?
CHARLIE: Parker, you're supposed to set a good example
as the guidance counselor.
I am setting the best example with my look and my vibe alone.
Jesus, kids still do the robot?
(ringtone playing): * Marry me, marry me, say... *
-Is that a "Marry Me" ringtone? -Guilty.
What's "Marry Me"?
It's Kat and Bastian's new song.
-It's everyone's new song. -It's my new song.
-It's not mine. -People are gonna propose to it.
They're gonna post videos of themselves
dancing to it down the aisle.
-Are you ready to be jealous? -Yes.
I'm taking my new girlfriend Roxy and her ex-girlfriend
-to their concert/wedding. -Shut up.
Where she's gonna look at me and say...
Hi, baby.
BASTIAN (over phone): Hi, love.
-Did you see my post? -No. You post something?
(chuckles)
So, do you like it?
I love it.
I love you.
I love you more, baby.
(inhales deeply)
-When'll you be home? -About an hour.
You know there's about a thousand people
-in this apartment right now? -(laughing): What?
I know.
20 million?
(chuckles) Yeah, of course.
Oh, my God. This has gotten so out of control.
(man speaks Spanish over phone)
BASTIAN: Yo, I'm on with Kat. Wait.
Yeah, I just...
now I just wish it was me and you on a beach somewhere.
No, my love.
You deserve the biggest wedding in the world.
And tomorrow's gonna be the best night of our lives.
-Can't wait. (chuckles) -I can't wait either, baby.
MELISSA: Where's Kat?
An interview in ten minutes.
(horns honking)
CHARLIE: Look what I just found.
Scoot over. (grunts)
I was just looking through some old pictures.
-Uh-huh? -And look at this one I saw
of you, me and Mom in Jamaica, parasailing.
We went parasailing?
Do you not remember?
I mean, to be honest,
I don't remember you together at all.
(grunts softly)
Well, we were, and we had fun.
I get it, Dad. You were a fun guy.
I was, and I am a fun guy.
(takes deep breath)
But, you know,
it's not just about fun.
It's-it's harder than that.
It's work. It's...
Well, think about Tank.
-When Tank was a puppy. -(chuckles)
-You remember that? -Yeah.
You remember how fun he was
and playing tug-of-war with the Frisbee
and him jumping around?
And now he's old, and his eyes don't work,
and you don't know how many good years he has left,
-but you still... -Dad, is Tank dying?
No. No.
I'm sorry, I-I... Tank's good.
I got a little off track.
I was just... What I meant is that
love is about sacrifice and the day-to-day.
Um, Dad, uh, can I go to sleep now?
Yeah, of course. Yeah.
-Okay. Good night. -Okay.
Night.
JIMMY FALLON: Last time she was here, Kat Valdez,
who let's just say is no stranger to weddings...
(audience laughing)
...said she wanted to do something smaller,
understated, intimate,
with just, say, 5,000 of their closest fans.
-(laughter) -I mean friends.
Just a simple wedding for a simple gal.
-Just like Mom's wedding was. -(laughter)
RYAN SEACREST: Hey, good morning, New York.
It's 102.7. This is Seacrest with you.
ENRIQUE SANTOS: Kat and Bastian fans,
it's Enrique Santos with you.
RADIO HOST: Tonight, Kat Valdez and Bastian
will give it all they got and tie the knot.
RADIO HOST 2: Today is the big day.
RADIO HOST 3: That shit is crazy, man.
KAT: "Then on the shore
"Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink."
It's Keats. You think he'll like it?
If somebody explains it to him, yeah.
It's beautiful.
Oh, today is your wedding day!
-(squeals) -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get it, get it, get it.
Tomorrow would've been our anniversary.
You guys went out for what, two weeks?
17 days, if you include the breakup.
And she dumped me with a text.
So rude.
Come to the Kat Valdez concert with me tonight.
Parker, I'm not a big concert person.
Listen, this is a once-in-a-lifetime invitation,
and you don't even get it.
This is Halley's Comet.
It's you wearing an outfit that flatters your body.
It's very rare.
Okay, I've got Lou tonight.
Good. I've got three tickets.
Bring her.
Maybe she'll think you're fun.
(organ plays intro to "Church" by Kat Valdez)
(audience cheering)
KAT: * Church, church, church, church *
* Church, church, church *
* Like church, church, church, church *
* Yeah *
* I'm down on my knees *
* I've fallen for you *
* You've opened my gates and showed me the truth *
(whooping)
* I'm born again, I'm feeling renewed *
* You showed me the way *
* I'm baptized in you *
* I feel it in my chest *
* I got you in my head, I'm putting on my best *
* Like I'm in church, church, church *
* Screaming out your name *
* Got me feeling safe *
* It's a new day, like I'm in church *
* Church, church, church *
* You make me sing out, "Hallelujah" *
* This kind of love will do it to ya *
* Like church, church, church, church *
* Church, church, church *
* Like church, church *
* Church, church *
* Yeah *
* Ready to say "I do" *
-* Ooh, ooh* -* Making this woman true *
* Ooh, ooh*
* Yes, honest to God, it's true *
* Church, church, church, church *
* Ready to say "I do" *
-* Ooh, ooh* -* Making this woman true *
* Ooh, ooh*
* Yes, honest to God, it's true *
* Church, church, church, church *
* You make me sing out, "Hallelujah," testify *
* This kind of love will do it to ya *
* Like church, church, church, church *
* Church, church, church *
* Like church, church, church, church *
* Yeah *
* Yeah, hey, hey, baby *
* I'm in church *
* Church, church, church, church *
* Ooh, I'm in church with you *
-* I'm in church with you * -(cheering)
-* Yeah, yeah * -(whooping)
* Yeah *
* Lord almighty. *
-(song ends) -(cheering)
-WOMAN: We love you, Kat! -(cheering continues)
Thank you so much for being here
on such a monumentally special occasion.
How's everybody feeling tonight?
(cheering)
(speaks Spanish)
Are there any Latinos in the house?
(cheering)
Well, I am looking for one in particular.
-(laughing) -(cheering, screaming)
KAT: Yes.
Ooh, hold this.
Hey, Roxy, check out my new best friends.
Oh, yeah, and suck it!
(mellow Latin music begins)
That beautiful woman is gonna be my wife.
I should've worn my onesie.
(laughs) Charlie.
(singing in Spanish)
Yeah.
Something's wrong.
Where?
Page Six.
(typing rapidly)
Are you guys ready for the wedding?
(cheering)
(singing in Spanish)
(gasping, hushed chatter)
(continues singing in Spanish)
-Where's Tyra? -In Bastian's dressing room.
-Ah, perfect. -Dancers, to the stage in five!
(continues singing in Spanish)
(women cheering, screaming)
(continues singing in Spanish)
Mel! Where's Mel?
-(song ends) -(applause)
What's everybody looking at?
Oh. I know the groom is not
supposed to see the bride before the wedding.
Can I just say, "Wow."
No.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...
(cheering)
...the moment you've all been waiting for.
(majestic orchestral music playing)
(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing)
-What's the matter? -Mm, everything's fine.
-Something's weird. -Nothing to worry about.
What's everybody looking at?
-Forget about them. -Give me your phone.
Now!
It might not be real.
AUDIENCE (chanting): "Marry Me!" "Marry Me!"
REPORTER: A Page Sixexclusive:
An anonymous poster sent us this hot video
that's gonna blow your mind.
Kat Valdez's husband-to-be Bastian
was caught cheating on her with her assistant.
-(announcer speaking Spanish) -(chanting continues)
(mechanical whirring)
ANNOUNCER: Can I get a witness?
AUDIENCE: "Marry Me!" "Marry Me!" "Marry Me!"
"Marry Me!"
(cheering)
(upbeat pop intro playing)
(cheering)
(indistinct chatter)
Uh, can you stop the music?
(music stops)
Oh, shit.
And, um, can you turn up the house lights?
(audience quiets)
Yeah.
-(grunts) -(audience gasping)
-WOMAN: We love you, Kat! -MAN: We love you, Kat!
-MAN: Kat, we love you! -WOMAN: Kat!
-(whispers): I'm okay. -WOMAN: Kat, you're a goddess!
I'm told that, uh...
(sniffles)
...20 million people are
supposed to watch me sing "Marry Me"
to the love of my life...
(applause, cheering)
...and then watch as we take our vows.
(cheering)
I didn't know she was gonna do this.
Beautiful.
So it's only natural
that I would want to see who I'm talking to.
-(cheering) -WOMAN: We love you!
WOMAN 2: Kat, we love you!
Probably didn't know about this either, did you?
Only natural that I say something,
if not about marriage,
then about... love.
(murmuring)
Because that's what we're all looking for, right?
-(cheering) -(murmurs of agreement)
-Love? -WOMAN: Yes!
REPORTER: A Page Sixexclusive...
We get so caught up in what we want our life to be that...
...we forget what our love actually is.
-A lie. -(audience gasping, murmuring)
MAN: It's okay! We love you!
A fairy tale that you sold yourself so long ago
that you forgot that wasn't real.
But deep down, you knew.
WOMAN: We love you, Kat.
-(cheering) -We love you, Kat!
-(whooping) -MAN: We love you!
She's making a fool of herself.
-(Kat sobs) -No.
KAT: Somehow you knew.
You did that.
You realize that it wasn't love at all.
You were just in love
with the idea of who you wanted that person to be.
But you can't marry an idea.
(audience murmuring)
You know, they say, if you want something different,
you have to do something different.
So this time, for the first time,
you make a different choice.
You jump off a cliff so high you can't even see the fall.
And you just...
...say yes.
Why not?
Sure.
I'll marry you.
You.
(audience gasping)
Dad. Dad, that's you.
WOMAN: I thought it would be Bastian,
but it's just some guy wearing a windbreaker.
Maybe he's a celebrity wearing a mask.
-Is this for real? -Yeah, it's for real!
Jesus H. She's talking to you.
Charlie, go! Go!
-Go. Go! -Go! Go! Go!
AUDIENCE (chanting): Go! Go! Go!
(chant continues)
-(chant dies down) -(cheering)
* *
(cheering)
(organ playing Wagner's "Bridal Chorus")
Oh, my God.
Do you, Katrina Valdez,
take this guy to be your lawfully wedded husband?
And I mean really take him. Think hard, girl.
(audience murmuring)
-I do. -WOMAN: Wait, what?
-(audience gasping) -And do you, some guy,
take Kat to be your lawfully wedded wife?
WOMAN: No! Bastian!
-MAN: Do it! -OTHERS: Yeah!
(scattered shouts)
It's on you, bro.
WOMAN: Say yes!
Okay.
-We'll take "okay." -(scattered shouts)
By the power vested in me by the state of New York,
I now declare you... (whispers in Spanish)
...husband and wife.
(scattered cheers)
(cheering swells)
* *
(cheering fades)
(cheering)
Kat.
Get the hell away from me.
-Can I just explain... -I'm serious!
-Get her out of here! -MAN: Clear this area.
-Everybody out, please. -MAN 2: What's going on?
What happened?
Baby...
Screw you, Bastian!
BASTIAN: We got in that fight in Miami,
then you told me to get out.
Oh, so this is all my fault?
It's nothing. It was nothing.
-Get me out of here. -(speaks Spanish)
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, just... Whoa, just... -Wait.
Who the hell do you think you are, man? Some fan?
No, I'm not a fan. Just...
Well, I mean, I am now.
Okay. We're done. You lot, get your phones down.
-Show's over. Go, go, go. -(clamoring)
Carl, take these two round the back.
I'll have you send decoys round the front.
-Listen. -Just get him out of here!
(clamoring)
Hey, move. Move.
Hold him there. Hold him there.
-Terry, I'm-I'm good. -Whoa, whoa.
(clamoring continues)
(cameras clicking rapidly)
(Kat panting softly)
* *
That was crazy.
I'm sorry. I don't know exactly what to say
or what just happened, but I know on some level
you must have really cared about that guy.
I was marrying him.
Good point.
He's going to age badly.
No, he's not.
Yeah, you're right.
He's probably just gonna get better looking.
(chuckles)
I'm really sorry about all this.
Me, too.
You gonna be okay?
Jeff will take you home.
Okay. Good night.
(cell phone buzzing)
PARKER (over phone): Charlie, finally.
Hey. How's Lou?
She's fine. She's at her mom's. Where are you?
I'm in a garage. I'm on my way home.
Hold on. You're saying you haven't seen it?
(chuckling): Oh, my God. You are everywhere.
Online, on television, on...
What do you mean "television"?
FALLON (on TV): Did you hear Kat Valdez got married
to a different stranger at the concert tonight?
-Do you believe that? -(audience laughing on TV)
On the way home from the concert tonight,
Kat Valdez also left the guy from the concert,
then married her Uber driver, and then...
(audience laughing)
Now he's-he's driving them to the honeymoon
in Turks and Caicos, where she will marry the bellboy.
It's very... It's all... It's all happening...
REPORTER: Kat Valdez y Bastian...
(reporter continues in Spanish)
(sighs)
COLIN: There you are.
You need anything?
KAT: Just...
tell me it didn't happen.
Why do I always pick the wrong guy?
I let everyone down.
-No, no. No, you didn't. -(Kat sniffling, sobbing)
I can't get out of my own way.
Oh, come here. Come here.
It's all right.
-We'll figure it out. -(sobbing)
I promise.
We'll figure it out.
Well, the good news is there was a wedding last night.
The bad news is it was not a joke.
I have two things to say.
First, Kat, we love you...
It's Bastian.
He says he just needs five minutes.
Hang up and turn that off.
I got to go.
God, he's unbelievable.
What now?
Well, he's going to Puerto Rico.
He says he needs to get his head together.
(scoffs) Whatever.
(sighs) Kat, he was crying.
Not helping.
(Colin grunts softly)
COLIN: You all right?
KAT: No.
Okay, well, I did a bit of digging last night,
and it turns out, out of 10,000 potential dumpster fires,
you picked a decent, straight, single father
with no criminal record, and get this,
he's a maths teacher.
-And that's good? -It's great.
He's not gonna be a problem.
I say we offer $5,000,
get him to sign an NDA and let it all blow over.
Or...
Or?
Or I could stay married to him.
(laughs)
You're kidding.
You're not kidding.
Y-You can't. We can't.
It-it's not legal.
We didn't file papers.
So file the papers.
Wha...
I mean, play the record through here.
I started something last night,
and if I don't finish it, I look crazy.
"Er." You'll look crazier.
(Kat exhales)
(whispers): Namaste.
Yeah, we got to get out in front of this.
Now, he thinks he can publicly humiliate me?
Screw him.
This is a manic response to an insane situation.
No, we have to change the narrative.
All right? I'm not marrying him forever.
It's just for a month, a... a few months.
Now, presuming the man you married
doesn't have a girlfriend or a life,
and presuming I can get him to agree,
I'm not sure exactly what we're telling the world.
You don't want to be a joke.
I don't want to be the punch line.
We have to embrace the spontaneity of the moment
and just say...
"Nothing else has worked.
Maybe this will."
You know what they say to do
when your car's skidding out of control, Colin?
Close your eyes and pray?
Hit the gas and turn into it.
Wait, what are you saying?
Rethink the paradigm.
We're not selling the world a fairy tale.
We're taking the fairy tale off the table.
That's what you did last night.
-That's what I did? -Yeah.
Look, I was just trying to help someone who seemed like
they were in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
We're calling it a break from tradition.
A moment of clarity where she picked you out of a crowd
and you, my friend, picked her.
I don't even know her.
Kat Valdez is a legend.
Self-made.
She was raised by a single father
who died before she had any kind of success.
Now she's a woman north of 35
in a business that marginalizes women at any age.
People love their artists to bare their souls,
then vilify them if they go too far.
Well, I'm not gonna let them do that to her.
-And I'm asking you to help me. -How?
Stand beside her for three months.
And what does she think about this?
It was her idea.
-She had the idea for... -Yeah.
What if we offered you $10,000?
No, no, no. Wrong approach.
Offer him, like, a fundraiser.
He'll go for that.
(chuckling): Oh. Hi.
Uh, I'm sorry. Are you two...
Ew, gross. No.
Parker Debs, guidance counselor. Same school.
How about, uh, we host a fundraiser for your math club?
Don't answer that. Okay.
What about if it's, like,
instead of three months, it's six months,
and it could be, like, a whole math wing?
-(chuckles) -I'm thinking about the children.
Yeah, this is ridiculous.
I don't think anyone's gonna believe
that she's gonna go from Bastian to me.
-That's a good point. -Well, the fact is
that she did go from Bastian to you.
Counterpoint.
COLIN: We're not pretending you're in love.
We're just gonna say that you're getting
to know each other, and if it goes further,
then great, and if it doesn't...
It won't. Come...
-Not with that attitude. -Well, then it doesn't have to.
This is about this moment.
Managing the media frenzy until things die down.
I have a daughter.
I don't want to drag her into the middle of a circus.
I can assure you, we won't impinge
on your life whatsoever.
-(clamoring) -How does it feel to not be a nobody?
How do you feel about her being so much hotter
-than you, Charlie? -Hey, Charlie! Right here!
Hey, Charlie, are you gonna go through with this?
Where's the honeymoon?
Did you get a good look at him?
Yeah. He's cute.
What?
-He's fine. -COLIN: Hey.
Charlie, come in.
Oh, she's right there. Jesus.
Come over, guys.
Charlie, Kat. Kat, Charlie.
-Hi. Oh. -How are you? Oh.
(Charlie chuckles)
-Okay. (laughs) -I'm Parker.
I'm... I am the one who brought Charlie to the concert,
-so I'm-I'm... -CHARLIE: Yep.
Basically, I guess I'm responsible
-for this whole thing. -(laughter)
Hi, Parker.
Hey, Kat.
Hi.
Would you do me a favor,
uh, just two seconds, and just say,
-"Roxy, you really blew it"? -CHARLIE: Oh. Oh.
Today Showis a go at 10:00 on Tuesday.
-(whispers): Sorry. -MELISSA: They want, uh, um...
Um, Charlie.
Charlie in studio and Kat remote from London.
-Kat. -Excuse me one second.
-I just have to take a call. -Okay.
-Bye, Kat. -WOMAN: Everything's set up...
-She's like a real person. -All right, so what's going on?
Uh, we're booking interviews all week.
Uh-huh. I thought that's what today was.
No, no. Today's more of a press conference.
But throughout the next few weeks,
we're gonna have some sit-downs and B roll
and news outlets following us, charting the progress
as you two get to know each other.
It's all in your email.
I don't check my emails a lot.
How do you schedule your life if you don't check your email?
Easy. I can't do anything
between 8:00 and 3:00 Monday through Friday,
and I have math club after school,
and three days a week, I have my kid.
-Beyond that, I'm pretty much available. -(groans)
-So, sorry... -Melissa.
Melissa, you're gonna have to move The Today Show.
What? Excuse me?
We don't move The Today Show.
We move for The Today Show.
He's gonna have to shift his schedule.
Okay, I'll-I'll handle it.
Okay, I can handle my own life.
I can help him handle it.
Uh, Melissa, shouldn't you be posting Vitamix?
That's Tyra's job.
Oh. Right.
Morning, everybody. I don't know about you guys,
but when I get up in the morning, I like to meditate.
I also love to have fresh juice.
So I like to juice daily with my Vitamix.
I take my fresh greens, mix and go.
Okay, look, I hate to interrupt an artist
while she's juicing, but we're gonna have to draw
a hard line when it comes to the students
-and the schedule, okay? -Yeah. Yeah.
You're a little shiny.
MELISSA: Awesome. Let's take a selfie.
(camera clicks)
I don't feel comfortable.
-I really don't feel like this is my world. -It's natural.
It just feels like everyone walking around
is, like, a sycophant.
Everything in her life is sponsored.
-I know, but don't ruin this for me. -No, but listen to me.
-I... -COLIN: Hey.
-How we doing? -I'm sorry.
I don't... I don't think it's gonna work out.
It's just perspective.
No, it's not just perspective.
You see her as some pop star with endorsement deals,
a narcissist who takes meaningless selfies,
but that's not the full...
Well, I mean, is a selfie ever meaningful? I mean...
Look up.
Look, I-I don't mean to be negative,
but I'm not a big social media person.
I feel it's kind of a distorted reality.
I'm so glad I came to your TED Talk.
No, come on. I see it all the time in my students.
-It's... (sighs) -MELISSA: Kat's ready to walk.
Okay, she's ready.
COLIN: Social media can also reach people.
-No, I know. Yeah. -It can be a tool.
You know what a tool is, though, right, Charlie?
-Okay. Thank you, Melissa. -PARKER: Burn.
I know this is a lot.
Just go out there and be yourself.
Myself probably wouldn't be here, but...
Listen, if you don't want to do this...
Uh, what, then I leave?
I thought you said he was into this.
-COLIN: He is. -He can hear you.
COLIN: Ladies and gentlemen,
Kat Valdez and her new husband,
Charlie Gilbert.
-(applause) -(cameras clicking)
REPORTER: So, you think it's romantic
marrying a complete stranger?
Uh, impulsive, without a plan.
But, hey, look where my plans got me.
(laughter)
So, you just
threw caution to the wind and thought...
I didn't think, actually.
It was a moment.
You're banking a lifetime on a moment?
No, I'm banking a moment on a moment.
Get enough of those, and that's a lifetime.
You know nothing about each other.
Did you think twice?
Charlie?
Mm, people meet randomly all the time.
At a... at a bar or...
Online.
Yeah, online, at 7-Eleven.
-(laughing) -CHARLIE: Uh...
I mean, why is this any crazier?
To state the obvious, you got married.
Yeah, and...
Now we get to know each other.
-But not as man and wife? -KAT: Uh, no.
That would be nuts. (chuckles)
Just for her.
For me, it would be pretty amazing.
(laughter)
Last night, I held up a friend's sign
asking a woman to marry me,
and she said yes, and I did, and...
...you know, I did it not,
you know, because she was beautiful--
-well, maybe a little... -(laughter)
...um, but it just seemed like,
in the moment, the right thing to do.
So, what, you just saw each other and said yes?
BOTH: Yes.
(both laugh)
And that doesn't seem frivolous?
Historically, marriage was transactional.
It was about expanding your empire,
and a woman's value was based on what she brought.
Like, "You give me a heifer, and I'll give you my daughter."
(reporters scoffing, murmuring)
CHARLIE: It's terrible. I know.
That's... Uh, you know, I didn't come up with it.
But it really was a business deal,
and it wasn't designed to be about love,
and maybe that's where people kind of get tripped up now.
REPORTER: This is your second marriage, right, Charlie?
You wouldn't want to fail again.
(chuckles softly)
Well, you haven't lived unless you've failed, Bill.
You should know that from your time at CNBC.
(laughter)
Listen, what we did was crazy--
we know that-- but, you know,
it was just truly a leap of faith.
The rules as they exist pretty much suck for women.
I mean, why do we have to wait for men to propose?
Why is everything on his terms?
No, I think it is time to shake things up.
How about this? We pick the guy,
we keep our name and let him earn the right to stay.
(cheering and applause)
-COLIN: That was terrific. -(Kat chuckling)
No, no, seriously. Oh, and listen.
Don't worry about Tuesday.
We'll adjust our schedule around yours.
-It'll be fine. -Thanks. I appreciate it.
-No, of course. -KAT: We'll try not to
turn your life upside down too much.
I think it might be a little too late for that.
I mean, do you ever get used to this?
Just the attention and the chaos and the people everywhere?
I don't know. Some days, you barely notice.
Other days, you feel like... a panda in a zoo.
You should know that up front.
Got it.
Where you off to now?
Oh, London, for a meeting.
And I'm off to Flatbush for a dog,
which pretty much sums it up.
I'll see you at the next photo op?
-Okay. -(engine starts)
Don't forget to check your schedule.
I got it.
OMG. He can't even text with that.
OMG. Yes, he can.
(whispers): But very slowly.
Ay, ay, ay.
PARKER: You did not look nervous,
and you know what, you kind of have
offbeat good looks for someone...
-Offbeat? -PHOTOGRAPHER: Charlie Valdez!
-Charlie, over here! -CHARLIE: What are they doing here?
Relax. We're famous now.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Is this a throuple?
Where's your wife?! Why don't you live with her?!
Why are you yelling at me?
-I'm standing right here. -Come on, Charlie.
-I'm gonna go inside. -What are you doing?
-PARKER: Just, um... -Are you now Mr. Valdez?
Are you in the doghouse? Huh?
(grunting): Gonna be a short walk.
Go inside. I'll deal with this.
PHOTOGRAPHER: You been kicked out already?
The dog can't shit if people are watching.
Luckily, I can only shit if people are watching,
so if you're feeling lucky...
I'm busy, too, by the way.
(cheering, excited chatter)
* *
BASTIAN (on video): What's your name, baby?
-WOMAN (on video): Janice. -BASTIAN: Janice.
You look so sexy tonight.
KAT: I don't know about you guys,
but when I get up in the morning, I like to meditate.
I also love to have fresh juice.
So I like to juice daily with my Vitamix.
Could we get a Vitamix?
I'd like to juice daily.
Come on. Put that down.
No electronics at dinner.
What do you call that?
I call that a nature documentary,
so we can travel while we eat.
Put it down.
So, is Kat, like, my stepmom?
No, Lou. Come on.
Dad, I think this experience is actually really good for you.
Says my 12-year-old?
It's true. I mean, you never just, like,
do things without planning them.
I think it's cool.
I really want to meet her.
I mean, Parker says she's nice
and smart and next-level hot.
She is nice. She is... She's an attract...
Here, let me get this.
Dad, she just hit 80 million followers on Instagram.
Okay. I'm not impressed.
Talk to me when she gets to 90 million, okay?
Lou, it's not real.
It's all a facade.
You know, they had me wearing makeup.
You wear makeup now?
Wore once. Never again.
Well, you never say never, but I don't plan on it
in the next couple months that we're doing this.
And you're saying the whole time I can't meet her?
I don't think Mom would want that.
Actually, Mom wants to meet her, too.
Oh, perfect. Lou, you know that we're not really together.
Her manager stages things. Look.
-You have an iPhone? -Yeah.
I mean, it's-it's just for scheduling.
They're making me use it.
-Huh. -Yeah, bowling,
and then we're gonna do a photo shoot, so...
Uh-huh. But do you guys, like, talk ever?
It's just publicity. It's not real.
Hmm.
Yeah! Come on!
Okay, your turn.
Don't be nervous. It's just, uh...
It's not a competition. Just having fun.
Uh, okay, no. I'm guessing
from the way you're holding that that you haven't done
-too much bowling. -Uh, what do I do?
Well, you... you're gonna want to put your fingers
-in the holes there. -Yeah. Mm-hmm.
This one, yeah. Get your thumb in that one.
-There? That one? Okay. -Yep. And then take
three steps kind of-- you want to land on your left,
and don't be afraid to use those little...
A strike is better than a spare, right?
-That is not your first time bowling. -(laughing)
Yes! Did you get that?
-Come on! The old rope-a-dope. -Yes!
MELISSA: Oh, my God.
I wish I put money on this, because people are loving it.
-What people? -Oh, well, this is
an Instagram live feed, and 237,000 people
are like, "Why is he such a boring nerd?"
-Mel. -What? Their words, not mine.
Get off the live, Mel.
All right.
So, we just need a little bit more
B roll for The Today Show.
Well, I've-I've got to get home to Tank.
-Is Tank his daughter? -Stop.
-COLIN: Okay. -You have to go?
Yeah, if you guys are done with me.
Mm-hmm. We're going to a party.
You go.
Where's home?
KAT: Wow. Cool.
CHARLIE: Thanks.
Yeah, it's a, um...
Kat, meet dog. (chuckling)
Wow, I never heard that one before.
Sorry. That was pretty... ruff.
(laughing): You are so lucky
that Mel didn't hear you say that.
No, I'm lucky Mel isn't here.
I feel like you're never alone.
What? I'm alone now.
Well, I mean, yeah, other than Kofi.
KAT: Just ignore him.
CHARLIE: Is everything you do filmed?
-KAT: Banked. -Banked?
For my channel.
Just little mini episodes of life.
Uh, can-can we skip an episode?
Want me to go?
KAT: Yeah, you can go.
-I'll see you tomorrow. -Good night.
-I'll see you. Yeah. -Happy?
Relieved.
(door closes)
KAT: Is this your daughter?
-CHARLIE: Yeah. -She's cute.
Thanks. Yeah, she's great.
Although she is in that awkward in-between phase
where she's still my baby girl
but she definitely wants nothing to do with me.
And you can forget about getting hugs,
'cause it's not happening anymore,
which kind of breaks my heart, but that's the way it goes.
What happened with her mom?
I mean, I'm sorry, you don't...
You know, it's none of my business.
You don't have to tell me. (chuckles)
No, no, it's okay. Um...
We were married, and we actually had a good marriage.
You know, then,
I don't know, all of a sudden, I got the feeling
she didn't want it or she didn't want me anymore,
and I had nothing to do but let her go.
And, you know, statistically, we're screwed,
'cause 48% of marriages end in divorce, so...
That means 52% work.
-Ah, an optimist. -(laughs)
-This is so cool. Can I? -Yeah.
And then I think when you get up to, like, second and third,
then it jumps up to, like, 67% failure rate.
Even if it's one in a billion, what does it matter?
It's worth a shot.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
I believe in marriage.
Jesus, still?
Haven't you been married like six times?
Three times.
Not including this. This is four.
But the first time was only 48 hours, so...
doesn't count.
But still, do you ever feel like just kind of,
"I'm waving the white flag on marriage. That's it."
No, it's like math.
When you get a problem wrong, you just don't give up on it.
You keep trying till you get it right.
CHARLIE: And what about you and Bastian?
How long were you guys together?
Mm, year and a half.
I'd just split from my second husband.
He was a music producer who did, uh,
my last two albums and then sold a sex tape.
-(inhales sharply) -That's not the worst part.
The worst part is I thought I could fix things.
-(chuckles) -Pretty hard to fix a sex tape.
-Right. -(Tank grumbles)
Sorry. Yeah, it's just a little power nap.
Pacing himself.
-Mm. -(Charlie chuckles)
If we give him a minute, he'll-he'll restart.
-Okay. -But you were saying?
Well, this business, those type of guys,
they build you up to break you down.
But you were already famous, so...
It's not about fame.
You know, it's about credibility.
It just didn't matter how successful I was.
They never gave it to me.
You know I've never been nominated for anything?
And then I met Bastian.
And he... and he gave me this.
"Sing." What does that mean?
It means "don't let them win."
Nobody's all bad, Charlie.
If they were, it would make it so much easier.
But cheating on you with your assistant is pretty bad.
(grunting): Okay.
Zoo mates.
See, we're not so different, Charlie.
KAT: * You know I tried so long *
Come on. Come on! It's not a big...
* Every time I thought I found it, I was wrong *
* I swear I must've spent a thousand nights *
* Lookin' for somebody who could hold me tight *
* Until I realized *
* I am the love of, the love of my life... *
COLIN: The Marciano brothers and Kat Valdez
are telling the world there's no age limit.
-Is that right? -Guess so.
(chuckling)
* I am the love of, the love of my life *
* I was just waiting for you... *
Think we've got everything we need.
We'll post to our socials, so... you're all set.
(sighs): All right.
Maybe... Is it okay if I stay?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Make yourself at home.
* I can't tell you now *
* I don't know why, don't know why *
* And now I'll pick myself up *
* One more time, one more time *
* You know I tried so long *
* Every time I thought I found it, I was wrong... *
-Bye. -Bye.
-Hey. -Hey, Mom.
How you doing?
* Hold me tight *
* Until I realized *
* I am the love of, the love of my life... *
There's a picture of you buying her a pregnancy test.
-Charlie! -No.
No, that was a stool softener for Tank.
* I ain't got nobody else on my mind... *
REPORTER: Kat Valdez and her new husband, Charlie Gilbert.
-Wh-What do I do? -Just stand and smile.
-Charlie! Charlie! -(clamoring)
-Oh, my God, it's Bastian! -Bastian! -Bastian!
Bastian, Bastian, Bastian! Over here! Over here!
(clamoring continues)
Guys, this way. How about the three of you together?
No hard feelings, man. Yeah?
No feelings at all. (chuckles)
Mm, mamacita.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Bastian, one with the three of you.
PHOTOGRAPHER: What did he say to you?
Kat, Bastian, Charlie, this way!
-What did he say, Charlie? -Look, Bastian! Bastian!
-Thank you, guys. -(clamoring continues)
My Spanish is a little rusty, but he said,
"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
"I'm such an idiot.
And why did I get that neck tattoo?"
You okay?
I'm good.
(jet engine whooshing)
CHARLIE: Now, where are you?
KAT: Paris, for a show.
CHARLIE: Ah.
-Paris! -CHARLIE: Is it weird having
everyone in the world know who you are?
KAT: No, what's weird is that
everyone in the world thinks they know who I am.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I bet.
And you're headed home after that?
KAT: Well, um, I'm home tomorrow,
but then I have that private in Japan.
Wh-What's a private?
KAT: I get paid a fortune to sing songs
to like ten insanely rich people.
CHARLIE: Do you think maybe they'd want
to watch someone do some math problems?
-(class cheering) -(Kat chuckling)
-KAT: I'll ask. -CHARLIE: All right, well,
I'll let you go, but call me if you're lonely.
(ringtone playing)
Hello?
-KAT: I'm lonely. -(laughing)
It's been like 13 seconds.
Are you brushing your teeth?
-Yes. -Are you going to bed?
It-it's like 8:00 p.m. there.
Um, maybe.
-Wow. -Well, I'm gonna read.
I'm not gonna go right to bed.
How's Lou?
She's really good.
She finally agreed to join the math club,
which makes me happy 'cause she's phenomenal at math
even though she doesn't want to be.
Well, maybe she just doesn't want to be you.
That's for certain.
But it's not really that.
It's-it's more that she's afraid, and,
you know, she almost won the Mathalon when she was 11.
-The Mathalon? -Yeah, the Mathalon.
It's kind of like the Grammys for math,
except there's like four people in the audience.
-Ah. -She kind of froze in the finals,
and then some kids made fun of her and...
I just want her to find her place.
Just give her a minute.
Yeah, definitely.
Okay, well, I'm glad you were lonely.
(chuckling)
I guess I'll let you get to bed now.
-(laughs) Okay. -Bye.
So long. Adios.
(laughs) Bye.
See you.
(sighs): Yeah.
(kids chattering)
(school bell rings)
Okay, after you've completed the prime factorization,
identify the distinct prime factor.
All right, listen up, Coolidge Pi-thons.
-I'm here on official business. -Park...
First of all, who didn't get their waiver signed?
All right, you two, out.
Hey, y-you can't just dismiss my students.
(mock stammering) Yes, I can.
You heard me. Scram. Beat it!
Now, for the rest of you
who know how to follow direction,
I bring you the one, the only...
(students gasping)
(squealing excitedly)
Kat, I love you!
Percy, stop yelling. She's right here.
Hi.
Thought you had a private for, like, a fortune.
I rescheduled.
PARKER: All right, who's got a question for Kat?
-Oh, I do! I do! -Me! Me!
Say something smart.
Don't embarrass me.
Uh, George.
Did you really kiss Katy Perry?
Actually, she kissed me.
-STUDENTS: Ooh. -KAT: Next.
Oh!
Uh, Not George.
-Spencer. -Don't care.
Why is Mr. Gilbert better than Bastian?
Well...
he didn't cheat on me with my assistant.
-STUDENTS: Ooh. -(laughter, cheering)
Okay, you guys caught us right in the middle
of our mock Mathalon training,
which you're welcome to stay and enjoy for a little bit.
Uh, Lou, you're up.
-(whispers): Dad, no. -KAT: Is that Lou?
Yeah.
Finally. Hi.
I've wanted to meet you forever.
Me, too.
PARKER: Are you kidding me? They haven't met?
-No. -What is wrong with you?
-Well, they... -(whispers): You're married.
Can we forget about the mock Mathalon?
I have a million questions for Kat.
Yeah, and Lou's too scared to get up
in front of people anyways.
Shut up, Jose.
Oh, well, don't worry. I totally get it.
You know, sometimes when I have to get up in front of an arena
with thousands and thousands of people, I get so nervous.
(student murmuring in disbelief)
No, I'm serious. I'm afraid I'll choke.
Okay, Mel, pull up "Kat VMAs 2010."
-I've got it. -Oh, okay.
-Hey, Google. -Look at this.
Show me a video: "Kat Valdez 2010 VMA performance."
* Number nine, yeah, I'm going up *
* I'm getting so high *
* I'm not the sa... *
KAT: Hey, Google.
-(laughs): That's enough. -(music stops)
-(students groaning) -Yeah.
I forgot the lyrics on live TV
to a song that I wrote.
It could happen to anybody.
Yeah, but the point is that once it does,
you're always worried, you know?
What if it happens again?
What did you do?
I shifted focus.
I made my dance so hard
that all I could do was concentrate on the steps.
So, it's like you distracted your mind.
Yes. Exactly.
Concentrating on the dance steps made me forget how scared I was.
Mel, we're gonna need some speakers.
Not too loud, right?
(blasting over speakers): * I just got paid... *
STUDENTS: Hey!
KAT: And two.
And free your mind, and three and four.
Make a turn, three and four.
Again, three and four.
* Don't know where we're going... *
And one and two, and three and four.
And ask a question, three and four.
Look alive, Chuck, three and four.
Oh, uh, okay.
Lou, what is 43 times 101?
-4-3-4-3. -Yes!
Yes, you're on fire. Yes!
You're ruining it, Charlie, three and four.
Keep the time, and three and four.
And turn.
CHARLIE: Esther, what is five factorial?
Uh, 120.
Yeah!
All geniuses with rhythm.
(cheering)
* I just got paid... *
(chanting): Go, Percy. Go, Percy.
Go, Percy.
Go, Tristen. Go, Tristen. Go, Tristen.
Go, Jose. Go, Jose. Go, Jose. Go, Jose.
(cheering)
Go, Leah. Go, Leah. Go, Leah.
Go, Kat. Go, Kat. Go, Kat. Go, Kat.
(cheering)
* I just got paid *
* Give me that, give me that, give me that*
* Give me that money, give me that money*
-* Give me that money* -* I just got paid *
* Give me that, give me that, give me that*
* Give me that money, give me that money*
-* Give me that money* -(cheering)
* I just got paid. *
(piano plays simple melody)
What are the words?
Uh, I haven't figured that out yet.
And, actually, the more I try, the harder it gets.
(sighs)
You know, when I can't figure out homework stuff,
my dad says, "If you sit in the question,
the answer finds you."
Hmm.
And does it?
I don't know. I...
I don't sit long enough.
(laughs): Yeah.
That's my problem, too.
So, do you like my dad?
I mean, he can be so annoying,
but he's also, like, really smart and nice.
You know, your dad says you're the best thing about him.
That's probably true.
(laughs)
MAN: Let's put it right over here.
LOU: Whoa.
-Is all this stuff for you? -CHARLIE: Coach.
Is this another endorsement deal?
No.
They're donating merchandise to Dress for Success,
which is a charity that I work with.
-That's awesome. -(chuckles)
You like?
I love.
(Charlie chuckling)
-No way. -Yeah.
Can I?
KAT: Don't worry. I'll pay them back.
(shushes quietly)
-CHARLIE: Okay, come on. -Thank you.
You got another bag in here with some textbooks.
-Thank you. -Are you kidding?
-(Charlie chuckles) -I love it. (laughs)
-I got to get her home. -What?
-Yeah. Yeah. -Already? No.
Okay.
I love Keats.
-Oh. (sucks teeth) -Wha...
(laughing): Stop. What are you doing?
-I killed it. -(laughing): It's not...
Listen, I'm gonna say something
-that's probably gonna come out completely wrong... -(chuckles)
...but you're beautiful without all of that.
-Aw. -I mean, either way, you're...
good to go.
-Good to go? -Good to go.
-(laughs) Okay, I'll take it. -(laughs)
You're a great teacher, Charlie.
Those kids, they're lucky to have you.
I don't know, hanging with you guys today
made me feel kind of normal.
Wheels up for Puerto Rico at 7:00.
Oh, my bad.
I thought you were by yourself.
Puerto Rico.
Um, my friends, they have a bed-and-breakfast there, so...
That's...
Listen, if-if... if Bastian is the guy
that you think you're supposed to be with,
then, hell, I'll drive you to the airport.
But if you're not sure...
...then come with me
to the fall semiformal tomorrow night.
Yeah, they need chaperones.
Maybe you need chaperoning.
Listen, I'm not saying this
as your husband or even as your friend,
because technically I'm not either,
but if you go back to Bastian, aren't you just making
the same mistake all over again... again?
* *
Are you asking me to the school dance?
-Well, I could leave a note in your locker, but... -(laughing)
...here we are in free period, so I figured I'd take my shot.
(chuckles softly)
(indistinct chatter, laughter)
CHARLIE: Welcome. (chuckles)
Excuse me. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Come on. Okay.
Can I have your left wrist?
My left wr-- Okay.
Oh, my God.
How sweet.
Oh, and I also got you this to give me.
(both laughing)
So thank you very much.
-I'm glad I thought of that. -It's my favorite.
You look in...
You look... (sighs)
Let's go to the dance.
PARKER: Out of respect for Mr. and Mrs.
Gilbert-hyphen-Valdez,
we would like the gym to be a photo-free zone,
so please check your phones at the door.
(upbeat dance music playing)
You did all this for me?
-I might've had a little help. -(laughs)
You know what, Kofi, why don't you take the night off?
I'll let you know when I need you.
All right. Have a good time, y'all.
Okay. All right.
Unsupervised.
I'm gonna screen-grab your search history
and send it to your mother.
That's a guarantee.
("Satisfied" by Galantis featuring MAX playing)
-Hey. -Hey.
-How are you? -Good to see you.
* *
-Kill the music! -(music stops)
A-one, two, three, four.
Hit it.
* Marry me, marry me, say yes *
* Marry me, marry me, say yes... *
What are you doing?
You know, kids opening for pop stars
is very big these days.
* I've never seen forever... *
When did the glee club learn "Marry Me"?
When Charlie Gilbert became Charlie Valdez.
-I'm hungry, Mr. Pitts. -Keep singing!
You're an inspiration, Pitts.
Right back at you, Gilbert.
Oh, my God, they are so adorable.
-Uh... -Thank you.
If you could.
Um, yeah, okay. (laughs)
PITTS: "To Jonathan Gregory Pitts,
a fellow architect of song."
(laughs) Okay, let her breathe just a little bit.
Come on.
-* Ring, ring, ring * -* Ring, ring *
-* Church bells, let 'em ring, ring, ring... * -(chuckles)
Love and light.
-Love and light. -Okay. Cut!
-* Tonight, tonight. * -Bring the music back!
(over speakers): * Keep me satisfied... *
(excited chatter)
(both chuckling)
So, do we have a job?
Do we have duties? What do we do?
Yes, we do. We got to monitor.
We got to guide. We got to encourage.
-Okay. -We might have to discourage.
-(laughing) -We might have to separate.
And maybe later... mm, dance?
(laughing): I don't think you want to see that.
Oh, I do. I do want to see that.
Did you see my corsage?
I did.
(indistinct chatter)
* *
Hey!
-(camera clicks) -(yells playfully)
(laughing)
Oh, yeah, I want to do one.
-Ready? -Yep.
Okay.
Hold this.
What are you doing?
A private.
(upbeat dance music playing)
(feedback squeals)
Hey, everybody.
-(music stops) -(excited chatter)
This is my first semiformal,
and, uh,
I just want to thank you guys for letting me crash.
We love you, Kat!
(chuckles) Thank you, Parker.
Love you, too.
Uh, you guys mind if I do a song?
-(cheering) -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I actually wrote this song when I was about your age.
It was on my very first album.
It's called "After Love."
You guys may not know it.
-I do! -KAT: Oh. Do you want to come
-up here and do it with me? -(Parker gasps)
-You play? -Y-Yeah.
Let's do it.
(cheering)
(chuckles)
Give it up for a fellow architect of song, Mr. Pitts.
(cheering)
-Pitts! -Mr. Pitts!
Ready?
Three, four.
-* Long nights in your car * -(guitar playing)
* Mornings in your arms *
* From five-hour calls *
* To nothing at all *
* I guess I missed the signs *
* The writing on the wall, ooh *
* Don't know where it all went wrong *
* But if this is how it's got to be *
* I need someone to tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me *
* What comes after love? *
* I want to know there's something for me after us *
* I don't think my heart was made to break this much *
* Tell me there's a happy ever after love *
* Tell me there's a happy ever after us *
-* I believe, I believe * -(attendees singing along)
* I believe in love *
* Even if, even if it wasn't meant for us *
* I believe, I believe, I believe in love *
* I just need someone to tell me *
* Tell me, tell me, tell me *
* What comes after love? *
* I want to know there's something for me after us *
* I don't think my heart was made to break this much *
* Tell me there's a happy ever after love *
* Tell me there's a happy ever after us. *
-(song ends) -(cheering)
-Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. -Thank you.
KAT: Thank you guys so much!
Well, that is my new favorite song.
(Kat chuckles)
What was your old favorite song?
Um... I don't know,
this might be a little too edgy for you to handle,
but when my mom was sick, we watched a lot of musicals,
and her favorite was Camelot.
KAT: Mm.
You know, it was like Game of Thrones
but less nudity and murder.
-More music and velvet. -(laughs)
But, anyway, when Lancelot
wants to tell Guenevere how he feels,
instead of saying, "I want to be with you,"
he says, "We're gonna split up. It's inevitable."
That's a little depressing.
No, not when you hear it.
"If ever I were to leave you, it wouldn't be in summer."
* If ever I would leave you *
* It wouldn't be in summer *
* Seeing you in summer, I never would go *
-It's nice. -Yeah.
* Your hair streaked with sunlight *
* Your lips red as flame... *
-Dance with me. -(laughs): No, I don't dance.
Come on. Dance with me.
Just a little bit.
There we go.
* How could it be in autumn? *
* How I'd leave in autumn *
* I never would know... *
Shouldn't we be listening to Barry White or Drake...
-(laughing) -...or whatever it is you listen to
when you're about to, you know...
To what?
Well...
Well, I don't want to presume
that I'm about to have the best night of my life,
but if I am, I don't want to do it to Robert Goulet.
I like it.
You do?
* When you catch the fire's glow *
A lot.
* If ever I would leave you *
* How could it be in springtime *
* Knowing how in spring *
* I'm bewitched by you so? *
* Oh, no, not in springtime... *
Is this smart?
I think we left smart six weeks ago.
* *
(birds chirping)
(sighs)
(Charlie sighs)
-Morning. -Morning.
Thank God you're here.
'Cause I did have just a minute of:
-"Is she gone? Did she leave?" -(laughs)
I was like, "God, just...
"I know you rock stars move fast,
-on to the next town, like, just love..." -(laughs)
-Oh, God. Here, take it. -(cell phone ringing)
Hey.
MELISSA: Hey, how was last night?
-KAT: Amazing. -MELISSA: Wait. Where are you?
-Are you with, uh... -Yeah. Charlie.
-Still? -Still.
(Melissa continues indistinctly over phone)
(whispers): "Charlie. Still."
KAT: Let's just move that to Tuesday.
MELISSA: But they're expecting you.
Sorry. Just tell 'em no.
-Okay. -Okay.
I'll call you later.
Did I hear you just rearranging your day for me?
Maybe.
And you're welcome.
Thank you.
You and your mom?
Yeah, at Coney Island.
KAT: The Wonder Wheel.
Well, we actually called it "the wishing wheel."
Yeah. We loved going out there.
Although the last time that I took her out there,
it was closed 'cause it was winter.
It was, like, right before she passed away.
-Oh, I'm sorry. -No, no.
It-It's okay. I like talking about her.
It happened a while ago when Lou was like five, but...
they definitely got to spend some good times together.
And it's crazy how much of her I see in Lou.
You think she would've liked me?
No.
(laughing): What?
Yes, she would've loved you.
She would've thought you were amazing.
I mean, she might have questioned a few things.
She was very...
Well, she was very self-sufficient.
Well, I'm, like, the most self-sufficient
person on the planet.
-I mean, I do more things in one day than... -No, I know.
I know you do. I'm not saying that.
I'm saying you have a lot of people,
you know, kind of handling things.
There's nothing wrong with having help.
-I mean, it doesn't mean I'm helpless. -(chuckles)
It just means that I have a lot of things on my plate.
I know, but you might not need as many people helping you
as you think you do.
So, what are you saying?
You want me to try being alone?
Because I could go be alone right now.
No, no, uh, let's be clear.
"Alone" means without help, not alone without me.
Wait.
Is this a challenge?
Now you get it.
-What, are you challenging me? -Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but let's make it a real challenge, okay?
-Okay. -That means without doormen.
-Without yes-Melissa. -Fine.
Without cooks,
without cleaners, without hair extenders.
-(laughs) -Yeah, this is serious.
Without live-feeding.
Without constant filming updates.
Without all that little stuff. Gone.
Okay. I can do that.
-Okay. -What are you gonna do?
Me? I'm... You know, I'm gonna be there.
I'm gonna monitor.
Mm.
Nice try, buddy.
-Okay. -(laughing): What?
You're gonna get on social media.
-No. -Yes.
Come on, that's... This is about you.
You're gonna go on social media.
You're gonna have Snapchat and Instagram and TikTok.
-You're gonna do a dance! Yes! -This is about you.
-Don't flip it. -No, listen.
Why are you so judgmental?
It's so crazy.
No, look, this is gonna be a great thing.
It's an amazing platform for you as a teacher.
-(sighs) -Seriously.
If you don't do it, I'm not doing it.
Okay.
(birds squawking)
CHARLIE: So, this is your little getaway?
(door banging)
Nope. It's locked.
Nothing under there?
Gosh. Dang it.
Jeff, can you...
No, no, th-that's cheating.
Come on. What are you gonna do?
You got a little problem.
Sometimes you just got to concede.
It's okay.
(alarm blaring)
You really like to win.
Yes! (grunts, laughs)
Coming?
I'm sorry I couldn't find the wine glasses.
-It's better. -(laughs)
-Living room. -(computer chimes)
(whirring)
Ugh, this...
Uh, no. Sound.
(computer chimes)
-(laughing): Oh, my God. -(horse neighs on TV)
-Jesus! -Whose house is this?
Well, that actually could be nice
to offset the breeze from the broken window.
-We can make s'mores. -I like s'mores.
-Me, too. -Yeah.
* What comes after love... *
I am going to make us these smoothies all by myself.
* I don't think my heart was made to break this much *
* Tell me there's a happy ever after us... *
(gasps)
I think you may have forgotten this.
ESTHER: Jesus, he's had an account for 45 minutes,
and he already has half a million followers.
-Oh, my God. Look. -STUDENT: Half a million?
Now you need your own web page.
Already created it on Wix.com.
"Numbers Neva Lie."
-Oh, that's perfect. -That is a good one.
-I love that. Do you love that? -Yeah, yeah, I do like it.
So, what do you want your caption to be, Mr. G?
KAT: "If you sit in the question,
the answer will find you."
(laughs)
Sorry, I was checking out this guy on Instagram.
Oh. Should I be jealous?
He sounds very interesting and handsome.
Just posting about all this math stuff.
Oh, one of those.
Brought you an apple.
* *
Happy birthday, part one.
Oh. Thank you.
-(laughs) -Yeah, on my last birthday,
I was at a math conference in the Poconos.
(laughs): Oh!
-I have a lot to live up to. -Yes.
-Open it! -Okay.
Like, a handkerchief or...
Turn around.
Oh, it's a blindfold.
-(Kat laughing) -Oh.
I'm a little taken aback.
I, uh, didn't know this was your thing,
-but whatever you're... into. -Shh.
-KAT: Okay, straight ahead. -CHARLIE: Okay.
I got to say, I'm getting excited.
-You should be. -(laughing): Okay.
Wait, turn around.
It's not a piñata.
Maybe. Okay.
That's it, right there.
-That's where I need you. -Yeah. Oh, yeah.
-You ready? -Okay.
Happy birthday.
No.
How?
I know a guy who knows a guy.
Come on.
CHARLIE: Okay, so we're on the wishing wheel.
-KAT: Yes. -CHARLIE: Go ahead.
'Kay, done.
Your turn. Make a wish.
I already got it.
* *
KAT (over speakers): * Since you came around *
* You're testing my faith *
* I'm praying out loud *
KAT (chuckling): Yeah.
* I feel it in my chest... *
-21! -Yes!
-(cheering) -Yeah!
-Hey.
Come on. Okay. Sorry, sorry.
Great day, you guys.
We are finished. Grab your stuff.
-(kids murmuring) -LOU: I'm ready.
KAT: You are. You're gonna be great.
-STUDENT: Yo, is that Bastian? -KAT: Amazing. -LOU: Thanks.
-BASTIAN: Yo. What's up, kids? -STUDENT: Oh, my God, Bastian!
(excited chatter)
Wait, what's going on?
He insisted on coming.
Hey, come on, now. Your parents are waiting for you outside.
Okay. See you later, guys. See you. Bye.
I tried to give you a heads-up,
but somebody wasn't answering her phone.
No, no. There are no phones at school.
-What are you guys doing here? -You got nominated
for Best Pop Vocal Performance at the Grammys.
What?!
"Marry Me"... (continues in Spanish)
-Yeah. -Oh, my God! -We got nominated!
-Can you believe it? -Congratulations.
-Oh, my God, yes! -(chuckles): Congratulations.
-Yes. Oh, my God. -Wow.
I can't believe this.
It was only a matter of time, babe.
-Oh, my God. -You should tell her.
Oh, yeah. So, um, Bastian's concert
at Madison Square Garden on Friday is streaming
across multiple platforms, so there's loads of exposure.
BASTIAN: Yeah, he thought we could
surprise everyone and do "Marry Me."
COLIN: Right. Now, the ballots are out next week,
and nobody's seen you two together since...
well, you know, a while.
Um...
You know, we don't... we don't have any
-of the dancers in town. -BASTIAN: No, no, no.
It's short notice. I-I don't...
No, but wait. But we can do the ballad version.
The one that we wanted to release after the ceremony.
I don't know, Sebastian.
"Sebastian"?
Come on. "Sebastian"?
That's his real name.
Look, can I just...
I-I know this is a little...
I'm not trying to make a thing here,
but this is the song that you were gonna get married to.
This is huge for me.
Totally. Totally.
You should come. I want you to come.
Are you gonna come with us?
Right. Okay. I mean, it's...
it's not a big deal.
The nomination is.
So please don't be upset.
I-I'm just being a jerk.
And I'm sorry.
I just want you to remember award shows are bullshit
and you don't need them to tell you how good you are.
I know.
Just do me a favor.
Don't say "Sebastian."
(door opens)
See you, babe.
-See you soon. -Hey.
We got to schedule a band rehearsal
-and a wardrobe fitting. -Okay.
-Now? -Yes, now.
-Yes. -Okay. You good?
-I'm good. -Are you sure?
Okay, I'll call you.
MELISSA: This is gonna be so exciting! (squeals)
Hey.
-You okay? -Yeah.
Just keeping Tank company.
Good dog.
You're afraid she'll fall back in love with Bastian
and dump you?
No.
Yeah.
I'd be afraid of that, too.
(audience cheering)
(cheering continues)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Um...
I have a little surprise for you tonight.
There is a woman
-who's been my heart... -(cheering)
and my biggest inspiration.
She always gonna be my family.
(lush orchestral ballad begins)
And we're always gonna have...
"Marry Me."
(cheering)
(cheering over computer)
Crowd's going bananas.
LOU: I know.
I don't know if I'd say "bananas," but...
* I've never seen forever *
* I've never seen forever in the wild *
* But now I'm lookin', now I'm lookin' in its eyes *
* Baby, you're my shelter *
* Shelter from a broken paradise *
* I couldn't dream it any better if I tried *
* True love gotta ring, ring, ring *
* Church bells, let 'em ring, ring, ring *
* You're the queen, I'll be the king, king, king *
* For life, for life, for love *
* Marry me, marry me, say yes *
* For the rest, the rest of your life *
* I'm-a fly her off to Vegas *
* We could tie it up tonight, no patience *
* Take my last name, put it where your name is *
* Have they ever seen a love this famous? *
* They never, no, they never *
* This forever, ever, ever, ever, ever *
* Ain't nobody do it better, better, better *
* Every song we getting better *
* True love gotta ring, ring, ring *
* Ooh, we gotta *
* Church bells, let 'em ring, ring, ring *
* Ooh, they gotta *
* This queen need a king, king, king *
* For life, for life, for life *
-* For life * -* Yeah *
* True love gotta ring, ring, ring *
-* Ring, ring * -* Church bells *
* Let 'em ring, ring, ring *
* Ring, ring *
* Angels gonna sing, sing, sing *
* Tonight, tonight, tonight, baby *
* Marry me, marry me, say yes *
* Marry me, marry me, say yes for the rest *
-* The rest of your life * -* Marry me, baby *
* Marry me, marry me, say yes *
* For the rest, the rest of your life *
* Baby *
(singing in Spanish)
* Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-marry me *
* Won't you marry me, baby? *
* Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-marry me *
* I want you in my life so bad *
* Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-marry me *
* Won't you love me, baby? *
* Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-marry me *
* Ooh *
* Ah-ah-ah. *
-(song ends) -(cheering)
Get your ass to the Garden.
(pop music playing faintly)
(indistinct chatter)
MELISSA: Yes!
-Yeah. Pose. -We did it.
MELISSA: We look so good!
You guys's chemistry is off the charts.
BASTIAN: Come on, guys. Let's do it.
MELISSA: And the audience felt it.
(playing soft pop intro)
(excited chatter, applause)
(Bastian singing in Spanish)
-You know? -Yeah.
-CHARLIE: Hey. -(laughing): Oh, my God.
-I didn't know you were coming. -Hey.
No, I wasn't, and then I was like,
"I'm gonna get down there," and-and...
but I didn't have a pass,
so I couldn't get in at first, and then luckily,
someone saw me and they brought me backstage
and then brought me over here.
So, you didn't see it?
No, no, I did. I did. Yeah.
Uh, did you like it?
I-I... I thought it was amazing.
I-I was really happy for you.
I think you're amazing.
(chuckles)
Can you guys... You know, fine, we'll go over here.
-COLIN: Oh, yeah. -(laughs)
(continues singing in Spanish)
It was great. It was...
Social media is exploding.
It's, uh... They're even saying you guys are back together.
Well, if social media says it's true, it must be true.
-(chuckles) -(Charlie sighs)
Wait, are you okay?
Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm just...
I'm looking at you here, and it... it all worked out.
I mean, no one even remembers the meltdown.
I know. It's crazy, right?
(chuckles)
I'm really happy for you.
You deserve it.
You really do.
(Bastian continues singing in Spanish)
God, he can sing.
* Dame un segundo, un segundo chance... *
"Segundochance."
What-what is that? Second chances?
It's just a song.
Maybe.
Maybe it's something more.
What's going on?
Look, I know this is a big deal,
and that's why I wanted to come down here,
but I don't fit.
And I think that's objectively pretty true.
-And we don't need to pr... -So, what are you saying?
Look, if I'm being honest with myself,
I real... I really came down here
just to say that this... I don't think this works.
-(song ends) -(cheering and applause)
BASTIAN: Can I have a bottle of Hennessy X.O? Yeah?
Are you breaking up with me?
BASTIAN: Katarina. Kat.
Kat, come here.
-Come here. -It's okay. Go.
-Go. -No.
-BASTIAN: Come here. -What are you saying?
-Tell me what you... -MELISSA: Hey, come on.
-What-what do you mean? -Everybody's calling you.
CHARLIE: It's nothing. Talk later.
-Go. Go. -BASTIAN: Come here, baby.
CHARLIE: It's fine. Keep going.
-Come on. -GUESTS: Kat! Kat! Kat!
Kat! Kat! Kat! Kat! Kat!
-(laughing) -(guests whooping)
Guys, raise your glasses
to the woman who made all this possible tonight.
To you.
To you, Kat.
-Salud. -GUESTS: Salud.
-(guests cheering) -Salud, salud.
MAN: Yes, cheers!
MAN: It's for you, Kat!
(piano playing simple melody)
(simple melody continues)
* Always knew you *
* Even when I didn't know you *
* Don't make sense, but it do *
* I was on my way to you *
* Every teardrop fell so heavy *
* Hurt like hell, but heaven sent me through *
* I was on my way to you *
* And every heartbreak was a yellow brick road *
* Pointing me straight, just taking me home *
* I was never lost *
* I was just passing through *
* I was on my way to you *
* Hope was hopeless, faith was running *
* Didn't notice you were coming through *
* You were on your way, too *
* And you don't believe in meant to be *
* But somehow you were meant for me, it's true *
(bell jingling)
* Yeah, you were on your way, too *
* Every heartbreak was a yellow brick road *
* Pointing me straight, just taking me home *
* I was never lost *
* I was just passing through *
* I was on my way to you *
* I was on my way to you, oh *
* I'm on my way, on my way to you *
* On my way *
* On my way to you *
* On my way *
* On my way to you, oh *
* I'm on my way, I'm on my way *
* On my way *
* On my way to you *
* On my way *
* On my way to you, oh *
* And every heartbreak was a yellow brick road *
* Pointing me straight, just taking me home *
* I was never lost *
* I was just passing through *
* On my way to you *
* On my way *
-* On my way to you * -* Ooh... *
* On my way, on my way to you *
* On my way *
* On my way to you *
* Oh, my darling *
* I'm on my way. *
(piano playing gentle outro)
(song ends)
COLIN: Come on, Charlie. Don't be stupid.
Well, it's a little late for that.
-You got another one. -Take it, please.
It-it's made out to the school.
It just feels a little unseemly.
-I didn't do it for the money. -I know,
but if you don't take the check, then the prenup's not binding.
You could sell your story.
-You could write a book. -(scoffs)
Is that what you think of me?
Oh, come on, Charlie.
I was rooting for you.
I wanted it to work. The whole world wanted it to.
I'm sorry to disappoint you and the world.
You're disappointing yourself.
I'm protecting myself.
I can't get away from her.
There's always a poster, a Vitamix or a billboard.
You know they're not together?
Maybe not.
But, Colin, can you do me a favor?
Will you be there for her when she figures it all out?
She's gonna need someone.
* *
FALLON: On Friday's show, we'll be talking
to the beautiful Kat Valdez
about her new hit single "On My Way,"
with a special surprise guest that you won't want to miss.
(Tank snoring)
-Night. -Night.
NARRATOR (on TV): ...established by jaw snapping,
headbutting or tail slapping.
Physical dominance establishes the leader.
Pods can travel in herds of up to hundreds of dolphins
and can cover 80 miles.
(broadcast fades)
* *
Mathalon, baby, with the Mathalonians.
-Headed to Peoria, Illinois. -Hey.
-Coming to get ya. -(kids chattering)
-Wait, what are you doing? -Oh, we're live.
Say something smart or witty or, uh, numeric.
-(Charlie clears throat) -5,000 people are watching.
Bye.
-Charles. -I'm serious.
Um, I can't. Turn it off.
Are you at some point gonna be fun again?
I was never fun.
That's true, and I love you anyway.
You know, you're not always gonna feel this way.
You're lucky you made it. We were gonna leave without you.
CHARLIE: Parker. No, we weren't.
-Come on, let's go, Percy. -We absolutely were.
ANIKAH: I loved you and Charlie as a couple.
Are you still friends?
Is it okay if I ask you that?
Yeah.
Um, sure.
Yeah. (chuckles)
He seems like the sweetest man.
You know, I actually DMed him
to wish him luck on his Mathalon tomorrow.
He never answered, obviously. (chuckles)
Mathalon's tomorrow?
Yeah.
-(door closes) -BASTIAN: Hey.
Hey.
I'll just fix that.
BASTIAN: Thank you.
-Oh, I like that. -Mm. Thank you.
-BASTIAN: Nice. -(audience cheering)
FALLON: So, we've been... we've been
beating around the bush, and I think that
we should get right down to it.
I mean, we all know that you guys are not "together,"
uh, yet you wrote "Marry Me" for each other.
Uh, Bastian wrote "Segundo" for Kat.
Kat wrote "On My Way" for Bastian.
I'd say the next song should probably be, uh,
-"Come On Already!" Am I right? -(audience laughing)
(chuckles) Let's see if we can get these two guys
to sing a little romantic duet when we come back.
-Ooh. -AUDIENCE: Ooh.
-Do not change that channel. -(cheering and applause)
(band playing upbeat music)
I didn't write "On My Way" for Bastian.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I know it's an inopportune time to have an epiphany, but...
I don't want to go back.
Someone told me that if you sit in the question long enough,
the answer finds you.
And the answer is...
I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over.
I want something different.
-Come here. -(audience gasping, murmuring)
So, I'm guessing no romantic duet.
(cameras clicking rapidly)
-Hey. -Kat! -Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-That's Kat Valdez. -Kat! Kat, wait! -Over here!
-Where you going? -Kat, hey! How about a shot, huh?
Peoria.
-I'll get you a plane. -No.
I want to do this by myself, okay?
-Can't be that hard. -PHOTOGRAPHER: Kat, come on.
-Kat, where you headed? -How about another shot?
KAT: Take me to the airport.
Bye!
COLIN: Hey.
That's not our car.
Whoa. Is that Kat Valdez?
Oh, my God. Kat Valdez?
You're right. What's she doing here?
(people murmuring)
Sorry. The last connecting flight to Peoria
is through Chicago, but it's all sold out.
-(sighs) -If you fly tomorrow...
Tonight. It has to be tonight.
The Mathalon will be over by noon tomorrow,
and I promised I'd be there.
I will give anyone $5,000 for their standby slot to Chicago.
It's illegal. You can't buy someone else's ticket.
-You can't? -COLIN: Kat.
Did you know it's illegal to buy someone else's ticket?
Uh, yeah. Everyone does. (chuckles)
Now, I can't get you a plane,
but we got you the last available ticket.
It's in coach.
-You're a lifesaver. -Yeah, yeah.
Tell me that after you get there, okay?
So, there's your passport and some money.
Go find your answer.
-Okay. -Go on.
Bye.
MAN (over intercom): Ladies and gentlemen, due to
freezing weather conditions and some strong headwinds,
we will be in flight a little longer than usual,
but we will get you there by morning.
-(passengers groaning) -Excuse me, miss.
I'd like to buy champagne and caviar for the whole flight.
I'm sorry. We only have ham wraps, cheese cubes
and Michelob ULTRA.
Okay, well, then ham wraps and Michelob ULTRA.
(passengers murmuring happily)
MAN: What about the cheese cubes?
Sure. Cheese cubes, too. Why not?
Um, also, who wants to sell me a very heavy winter coat?
(timer ticking)
Uh, the answer is nine?
-(bell dings) -That answer is correct.
-(cheering) -This round goes to the Coolidge Pi-thons.
Nice, Esther.
Good job.
-Go, Esther! -(cheering continues)
Where are the people with the cars?
Excuse me, sir. Do you have a phone charger?
-I-I need... -No. Sorry.
-PARKER: I do. -You...
Colin called me, so...
Is Charlie here?
You know, I didn't tell him I was coming.
I didn't want to screw with him on the big day, in case...
You know, he's not good with the back-and-forth,
so I got to ask you, Kat, are you...
Is this for real?
Well, I walked out on Fallon
to freeze my toes off in Peoria, so...
Excellent point.
I called an Uber.
47 minutes?
What?
We're not gonna make it.
Didn't they already start?
Should we hitch a ride? I don't know what...
-(tires screeching) -Wait!
This woman, this superstar, this icon,
has flown in coach in stilettos
to win back the unlikely love of her life,
who, against all odds, she loves.
And he loves her.
He does, right?
Completely.
The next thing you say will forecast not just their future
but the future of-of anyone who ever believed
in the magic of a leap of faith.
-Look... -She'll give you a thousand dollars.
The answer is 15.
-(bell dings) -The answer is correct.
-Five points, Trinity Numerators. -Yes!
Yes! Get 'em!
Congratulations.
JUDGE: After a break,
we're moving to a sudden-death round
between the three-time champions,
-Trinity Numerators... -NUMERATORS: Yes!
...and the first-time finalists, Coolidge Pi-thons.
(excited chatter)
Sudden death.
-Ooh. Blast off. -(chuckling)
First up, Lou Gilbert for the Coolidge Pi-thons.
Choker better pray.
-(laughter) -Shut up.
(Manny laughing)
You laughing at that?
(sighs) Look...
I don't want to embarrass you.
I know that's your daughter.
-CHARLIE: Yeah? -MANNY: I saw her last year.
She's got stage fright.
My daughter's fine.
Look, I just think maybe it would be easier on you
if you guys just conceded the title.
-Concede? -Mm-hmm.
-Give you the trophy? -No.
It's more like you save yourself from humiliation.
Huh?
CHARLIE: Okay, huddle up. Here we go.
So, um, Coach Looney Tunes over there wants to know
if we just want to concede and give him the trophy.
-PI-THONS: No! -That doesn't even make sense.
-CHARLIE: Yeah. -Four in a row, baby.
How about we go show him what the Pi-thons are all about?
PI-THONS: Yeah!
(all hissing)
Lou, you ready for this?
Watch me.
* *
JUDGE: This next answer will determine
whether the Coolidge Pi-thons win the Mathalon.
Lou Gilbert.
-Yes, Lou. -Go, Lou!
(Pi-Thons murmuring encouragement, clapping)
-Come on, Lou. -You got this. -(encouragement continues)
-Come on, Lou. You got this. -PI-THON: Come on, Lou.
A circle with perimeter eight pi is inscribed in an ellipse
whose width is twice its height.
What is the area of the ellipse in square units?
(Pi-thons murmuring encouragement)
PI-THON: You know this. Set your mind to it.
NUMERATOR (whispers): She's got it.
-Yeah, she... -(makes choking sounds)
Anyone know a good choke?
-Hey. -JUDGE: Quiet, please.
Please respect the Mathalonians.
(laughter)
GIRL: It's not fair.
BOY: Loser!
(laughter continues)
(camera clicks)
I tried to protect you from this.
-(spectators murmuring) -Stop it.
PI-THON: Stay with us, Lou.
(mouthing)
(trembling breaths)
PI-THON: Don't let it get in your head!
CHARLIE: Lou.
-What the hell is this? -(cell phone chimes)
Oh, my God.
You guys, it's over here!
BOY: Dork!
PI-THON: Yeah, Mr. Gilbert. Good idea.
PI-THON 2: Yeah, that's it, Mr. Gilbert.
CHARLIE: Yeah. Yeah.
-You got it. -(Pi-thons murmuring)
CHARLIE: Come on!
Come on. Objection. He's counting.
He's dancing, you lunatic.
That's Kat Valdez.
Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna die.
CHARLIE: Come on. Come on.
(Pi-thons murmuring encouragement)
PI-THON: I believe in you!
-32 pi! -(buzzer sounds, bell dings)
-The answer is correct. -PI-THONS: Yes!
But the timer's elapsed.
The Trinity Numerators retain their national status.
-(cheering) -We'll reconvene
-in ten minutes for the awards presentation. -Yeah!
PI-THON: Hey, it's okay, Lou.
NUMERATORS (chanting): Four years in a row!
Four years in a row!
Hey. Hey.
I'm so proud of you.
-(crying): Dad, I lost again. -No, it doesn't matter.
First of all, you got it right. It was perfect.
But second of all, you were just up there.
You stood up there, and you were so brave.
I'm the one who should be crying
-for the dancing I was doing. -(laughs)
-You were great. -(sobbing)
Thank you.
I love you, Dad. (sniffles)
You were amazing, Lou.
Really, I mean,
you took a shot even though it was scary.
That's what matters.
Not everything adds up the way you think it will.
You know, they say if you want something different,
you have to do something different.
What if we're just too different?
What if we're not?
(kids gasping, murmuring)
(chuckles softly)
(laughter)
(mouthing)
I'm fully blacking out right now.
-Come on, Mr. G. -Come on, Mr. G!
GIRL: You're leaving her hanging.
Come on, dude.
Dad.
CROWD: Aw.
KIDS: Ew.
CHARLIE: Here we go.
GLEE CLUB: * Marry me, marry me, say yes *
* Marry me, marry me, say yes *
* For the rest, the rest... *
KAT: * I never seen forever *
* Oh, yeah *
* I never seen forever in the wild *
* But now I'm lookin', now I'm lookin' in its eyes *
* Baby, you're my shelter *
* Shelter from a broken paradise *
* I couldn't dream it *
* Any better if I tried *
* True love gotta ring, ring, ring *
-* Ring, ring * -* Church bells *
-* Let 'em ring, ring, ring * -* Ring, ring *
* Angels gonna sing, sing, sing *
* Tonight, tonight, tonight *
* Baby *
* Marry me, marry me, say yes *
* For the rest, the rest of your life *
* Ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma *
* Ma-Ma-Ma-Marry me *
* Won't you love me, baby? *
* Ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-marry me... *
-Getting ready. -Tanky.
-This is the calm... Oh, gee! -Oh, no!
-Tank! -(laughter)
-Okay, wait. Slower. -He doesn't have teeth.
-Slower. Okay. -He doesn't...
* Diamonds and a necklace, everything else is off *
Good boy.
* Now he wanna bet he can beat me to the bed... *
So, we met at Jimmy Fallon, didn't we?
-Yeah. -We didn't hook up at Fallon.
No, we had sex at Burning Man.
So, Kat made me come to one of those...
Um, what are they called again, babe?
-It's called a Mathalon, bro. -Yes!
Oh, my God, it's so boring.
And what do you guys do there again?
-It's this thing called, um... -Math.
-Yes! Oh, my God. -Yep. Mm-hmm.
I fell asleep just even thinking about it, but...
(laughing): She did.
-I-I met my most favorite person here. -Mm.
We met at a party as she was leaving.
And had I walked out ten seconds earlier,
we never would've met.
And I bet you wish that was the case sometimes.
(laughs) Never.
I had a six-mile radius set,
and she definitely lived more than six miles away.
Well, she wanted to meet at 4:00 p.m.
Who meets at 4:00 p.m.?
When we met, he was in a unitard.
She liked what she saw.
(laughing)
81 years ago, we were born in the same hospital
two days apart, in diapers.
Here it is 81 years later,
and we're back in diapers again.
-Oh, Charlie! -(both laugh)
We met on a dating app, but then,
uh, he invited me on the second date,
um, camping in the woods, and I was like,
"That seems unsafe...
-so I'll go." -Her friend told her not to go.
Yeah, but she did, and it's been five years,
and she's still alive.
(both laugh)
BOTH: We met at a concert.
* Spotlight on you got me zoomin' *
* I'm falling into you *
* We're dancing on tabletops *
* Neighbors calling the cops *
* When I'm with you, feels like *
* Nobody's watching us *
* We're burning down all the clocks *
* Hoping that time will stop *
* Block out the world tonight *
* Like nobody's watching us *
* Nobody's watching us *
* No, nobody's watching *
* So come touch my body *
* No, nobody's watching us *
* Nobody's watching us *
* No, nobody's watching *
* So come touch my body *
* No, nobody's watching us *
* Oh, oh, oh, oh *
* Right here by the light of the moon *
* Spotlight on you got me zoomin' *
* I'm falling into you *
* We're dancing on tabletops *
* Neighbors calling the cops *
* When I'm with you, feels like *
* Nobody's watching us *
* We're burning down all the clocks *
* Hoping that time will stop *
* Block out the world tonight *
* Like nobody's watching us *
* Nobody's watching us *
* No, nobody's watching *
* So come touch my body *
* No, nobody's watching us *
-* No, no, no, no, no * -* No-no-no, no-no... *
* No, nobody's watching *
* So come touch my body *
* No, nobody's watching us *
-* Na, na, na. * -(song ends)
KAT: * Got ocean views from ceiling to the floor *
* Keep a milli by the bed, a hundred more offshore-ore *
* Closets full of Louis and Christian Dior *
* Picassos and van Goghs that no one's seen before-ore *
* Diamonds drippin' down like fountains *
* I'll sign, don't care what the amount is *
* Every day and night *
* Live a life filled with luxury *
* Don't matter when you're not with me *
* Yeah, yeah *
(Kat singing in Spanish)
(Bastian singing in Spanish)
(Kat and Bastian singing in Spanish)
KAT: * Is this sentimental *
* To put all my money just right where my heart is? *
* But, baby, you're special *
* No matter the cost, I'm-a do it regardless *
* Let's take a jet, we're riding out to Puerto Rico *
* Later we get the yacht, head to Santo Domingo *
* And my body, papi, es tu party *
* Now I'm flying, you be the pilot *
* No questioning our love, make my best days even better *
* Long ain't long enough, I'm looking at forever *
* Diamonds drippin' down like fountains *
* I'll sign, don't care what the amount is *
* Every day and night *
* Live a life filled with luxury *
* Don't matter when you're not with me *
* Yeah, yeah *
(Bastian singing in Spanish)
(Kat singing in Spanish)
(Kat and Bastian singing in Spanish)
(Bastian singing in Spanish)
(Kat and Bastian singing in Spanish)
(Bastian singing in Spanish)
(Kat and Bastian singing in Spanish)
BASTIAN: * All right, all right *
* Mamacita. *
(song fades)