[crowd murmuring]
EMCEE: Welcome to STEMCON...
[applause]
...the biggest science, technology, engineering and mathematics competition
of the year.
Now, welcome to the stage our reigning champion,
sure to dazzle us yet again,
Ms. Avery Hansen-White.
[cheering]
STUDENT: Go, Avery!
AVERY: I might not have been standing naked in front of this audience,
but, trust me, this was my absolute worst nightmare.
Let me back up a bit.
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
I thought I had it all figured out.
♪ I'm amazing! ♪
I had a record-breaking GPA, an impeccable résumé,
and an early acceptance to MIT,
with a side of full ride.
♪ Who you lookin' at? ♪
I don't want to say I ruled the school,
but I ruled the school.
STUDENT: Whoa!
AVERY: And not because I cared about fitting in with the popular crowd
or finding a hot date to prom.
Eff all that.
STEMCON was my prom.
Hello, girlfriends.
The national STEM competition was the event of the year
and wining the senior year competition is the holy grail.
You win a fellowship that basically sets you up for life.
Everyone was rooting for me except...
Carlson.
- Hey, Avery.
AVERY: But she teaches sex ed, which doesn't count.
STUDENT: Avery's here.
[indistinct conversation]
- Today is the day. - Ooh!
- Ah, there she is. - God, what a power couple.
Got a perfect score on his SAT.
- He is a perfect score.
And trust me, his brain is huge.
AVERY: Here it comes, here it is!
[computer beeps]
[rhythmic fanfare plays]
- Hey, hey, STEMMERS, are you excited? I am.
Former STEMCON champ Nada Raj here,
coming at you with this year's STEM challenge.
Now I know at this moment you're all at the edge of your seats,
anxiously awaiting this year's prom,
so, without further ado, here it is.
Create an app...
- Oh, my God, it's your thing!
- ...that solves a problem in your personal life.
- Oh, my God, you are so gonna win STEMCON again.
MIT, Nobel Peace.
Look out, world, here comes Avery Hansen-White!
So, you must have concepts flooding your mind.
- Oh, yeah. No, they sure are.
- Like what? Like what?
NADA: Here's a chance to prove your mettle
at the nation's greatest science competition.
We'll see you and your life-improving app in a month.
Get ready, get set...
make like an apple and STEM!
STUDENT: Avery?
[school bell ringing]
Hello?
So... what's the story?
- Oh, uh, STEMCON. - Oh, they announced the challenge?
- Yeah. I basically have to create an app to solve a problem in my personal life.
- Ooh, maybe you should start by having one.
AVERY: Hmm.
This is Larson.
[blows raspberry]
We've been friends basically our whole lives.
- I have a bootiful and powerful vagina.
This is my vulvar, up dare is my cervakicks.
- [chuckles] This is my pee-pee! Waaah!
AVERY: While he didn't share my passion for scientific precision...
- I'm in the ocean!
AVERY: ... he was always game to be the subject of my experiments.
While I was setting the academic bar for our peers,
he was giving the assist.
I was breaking records and publishing research...
- You did it!
- ...he was taking one for the team.
Until freshman year when our experimenting came to a hard stop.
- Oh!
AVERY: We decided to retire our scholarly partnership
and just be friends.
- Sorry.
- Cute. - Shut up.
Some of us experience attraction to other humans.
- Yeah, and for some of us, attraction is sapiosexual.
- Wha...
- Intellectual.
- Right, like with your imaginary science camp boyfriend?
- Yes. Casper does my brain like no one else.
You know he speaks fluent Vulcan?
- Vulcan? Why not learn a useful language like Latin or Chinese?
- What do you mean, Mandarin or Cantonese?
Doesn't matter, he actually speaks both.
And there's actually a petition circulating to make Vulcan
the eighth romance language, so knock it off.
- Are you taking him to prom?
- Prom? Are you kidding?
- No.
- Do you really think prom is on my list of priorities?
- No. That's my point.
You never do any of the regular high school stuff.
You need to have fun.
- Nailing life is fun for me, Larson.
- We're seniors, and you still have never been to a school dance.
Now, we both know you don't do things you're not great at,
which makes me think you can't dance.
- Oh, I could dance if I wanted to,
but it won't win me a Nobel Prize.
- Okay, so go to nerd prom with Casper and go to fun prom with me.
- Go to prom with you. Oh, no.
- Come on. Senior single scene is dire.
Everyone's all coupled up.
- Well, why don't you ask that cute girl who melted your brain seconds ago?
- She didn't melt my brain. Besides, I have zero ins.
You, you're my oldest friend.
And next year, you'll be far away.
It's the end of an era.
Let's do prom.
It's like a rite of passage.
- That's really sweet, Larson,
but if you wanna do prom, you should ask someone who would enjoy it.
[scoffs]
Just more concerned with academic milestones than superfluous ones.
[Larson scoffs]
- It's a rough one.
- Yeah.
[school bell rings]
AVERY: I had 33 days to create an app for STEMCON.
I never had a shortage of ideas, but I had already optimized my life
so there were no areas of weakness.
There was nothing to improve.
Give me global warming, give me world hunger.
But a personal problem?
♪ ringtone playing ♪
- Hey. - So, 33 days.
- Yeah. You, me, STEMCON.
- STEMCON nights.
- It's like we chose the challenge ourselves.
- I cannot wait for you to see what I've been working with.
You?
- Yeah. I, uh...
got some aces up my sleeve.
- I've got an ace in my pants.
- What? - Uh, I'm...
I'm saying, uh,
we have a lot of experimenting to do.
- Oh. Should I organize a control group?
- Avery...
We've been dating for a while now.
I'm DTF.
Babe, down to fuck.
- Oh.
- Babe?
Babe, I think you froze.
- Uh... - Is it me? What...?
- Uh... - Babe?
You there? Do we have a bad connection here?
What's going on?
- Oh, thank God.
It's not like I was scared of sex.
I was raised in a progressive family.
But I just was not prepared for this. Let me explain.
WOMAN 1: How are you feeling? WOMAN 2: Yes, how are you feeling?
WOMAN 1: Name your feelings by name.
Do you understand what's going on?
- These are my moms.
Mama Suze is a steadfast lesbo,
and Ma Deb is an artist,
renowned for vulvic art that would make Georgia O'Keeffe blush.
- We still love you.
- So much.
- And that's Kim, my bonus mom.
She doesn't do labels, but she does do Ma Deb.
- And you can live with whoever you want.
- I'm going to split my time 50-50 so as to reduce the burden on all.
- Ohh!
AVERY: I have no shortage of maternal support,
but they weren't exactly the ones to turn to for advice on sex with men.
- Don't you think you'll feel better if you just tell me?
- No, 'cause you'll just tell Ma Deb.
- Would you prefer I guess?
- [scoffs] Yeah. Good luck there.
- You and Casper are ready to have sex.
- How did you know?
- A mother always knows.
Hulu recommended 40-Year-Old Virgin and Wet Hot American Summer.
- Damn algorithms.
- Listen, you shouldn't feel pressured to do this if you don't want to.
- Okay, I know that,
but... I want to.
- Okay.
What have you two explored so far?
Kissing?
Probably kissing.
But like anywhere...
other than the mouth?
- Oh.
Um...
No, but I haven't seen him since last year's STEM, so...
- Okay.
- God, I can't be bad at this.
- This is not the time to be a perfectionist.
Sex is supposed to be messy.
It's fun. - Oh, my God.
I'm gonna blow.
- You blow whatever you're comfortable with.
Head, shoulders... knees and toes.
- I can blow his mind. - Mm-hmm.
- I mean, we have these braingasms together.
- [softly] Braingasms.
I'm gonna call Dr. Dwight
to make an appointment to talk about birth control.
- I'm not even having sex. - But you're thinking about it.
- No, you're thinking about it.
- Oh, okay...
[door closes]
[line ringing]
She's on the move.
♪ energetic music playing ♪
[murmuring to self]
- Oh, Jesus! - We got a lot of options.
- Yes. - Ribbed, lubed, flavored.
[laughs] Piña colada.
Such a complex flavor. Delicious.
[gulps]
- Tastes like sunscreen.
- You don't have to do anything you don't wanna do.
- Can we not do this?
- We just want you to remember that your body is perfect the way that it is,
especially your labia.
As far as I remember.
- She's just worried you'll start judging your body
the second you're in the presence of a naked man.
- Uh, the damage is already done.
I've been comparing my hoo-ha
to the country's top-rated snatch for the last decade.
- We do not use that word in this house, young lady.
- Take back the snatch. No snatch talk, Ave.
- It's "hoo-ha" she knows I can't stand.
- Hoo-ha. - Words like that promote vagina shame.
- Mm, ashamed of my lady parts?
- Hmm-mm. - My cookie? My wittle kitty?
- Stop it right now. - My hot dog bun?
My sprinkler? - Pink taco.
- Wrong team, Kim. - That's right.
- You guys have no idea what it's like to lose your virginity.
- Yes, we do. - Sure, we do.
- How? How would you define when exactly that happened?
Because if someone finger-bangs me, that's a measly second base.
- Only second? [Avery groans]
[scoffs] Not the way I do it.
[door slams] - Hmm, touchdown.
- No sports.
AVERY: How was I supposed to get great at sex by STEMCON?
The thing is, Larson was right.
I don't do things I'm not great at.
I just have to master it, like everything else in my life.
Avery Hansen-White can do anything she puts her mind to.
♪
[softly] "Get good at sex."
That's it.
Utilizing AI, I could create an algorithm that would take the data
and prescribe steps for a successful sexual experience.
I... I'd have my app and be prepared for STEM night with Casper.
This was a win-win.
My app would have a dictation feature,
so I programmed the AI to sound like the sexiest of voices.
SPOCK-LIKE VOICE: Greetings. Dictation feature is ready.
AVERY: Spock, of course.
I trained Spock to scan all corners of the Web
for information regarding sex.
Spock, how does one have good sex?
SPOCK: Based on current data, good sex is achieved by
butt plug, choking, stepmom, dick out...
- Ow! SPOCK: ...naughty gorilla,
squirting, yoga pants--
AVERY: I needed to refine the search.
What better resource to turn to
than the collective high-school wisdom of the ages?
MAN: Like this! [audience laughing, gasping]
- So this is what people watch.
SPOCK: Based on available data, good sex is achieved by boobs, flashing...
MAMA SUZE: Everything okay in there? - What? No, everything's fine.
SPOCK: ...boobs, kegger, pie...
AVERY: Apparently Hollywood was not the best source either.
I hated to do it, but I have to revisit sex ed.
- Mycoplasma, genitaliums, the new chlamydia.
May I help you, Ms. Hansen-White?
- I'm collecting sources in preparation for losing my virginity.
- Oh.
SPOCK: G-spot, premarital sex, burn in hell...
- I know it's not in the manual,
but I could use a little tutorial on the mechanics of the clitoris.
- I cannot tell you how to pleasure yourself.
Ask your parents. You have three months.
AVERY: Clearly sex ed wasn't the answer.
I was back to the drawing board.
What would I tell Casper? [phone buzzing]
I had made no progress.
Research was consuming my life.
The rest of my studies were starting to slip.
I know you're new here, so perhaps you didn't find value
in my argument that Romeo and Juliet had total control over their tragic fate
and rather chose to weaken themselves to adolescent impulse.
SPOCK: Booty, butt cheeks...
- Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end.
- Yeah, I...
get that you were quoting Spock.
SPOCK: Slap my ass!
- And it's clear that you understood the text,
but you missed that fundamental thing.
They were in love.
[scoffs]
Avery, I'm sorry, the grade stands.
[school bell rings] - I don't have time for this right now.
But this isn't over.
♪ ringtone playing ♪
- Good morning.
[Avery groans]
[laughs] Wanna start by naming your feelings?
- It's like my brain just froze and now I can't even talk to him.
You know, like he just wants to Google hang,
and all I can think about is, what does his penis look like?
- Totally normal.
I mean, normal to think that.
[laughs] I don't know if his penis is normal.
You know what, how about a book?
I might have a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.
- Eww. They should have called it Fifty Shades of Grammatical Error.
The books are moot, trust me.
Which is why I fed my AI all these teen sex comedies,
but those are all just like these horny boys humping pie or...
- How about a Molly Ringwald flick?
Hmm, Ma Deb had a thing for her, let me tell you.
I had this red wig and-- - Please don't.
- Okay. - No. All of her movies end at the kiss.
Movies talk to girls about falling in love,
not having sex.
How do I get an accurate representation of the actual experience?
- Well, why not ask your friends for advice?
- Hmm, Ms. Russell doesn't know anything about boys.
- Okay, I meant your fellow students.
- You know, I knew you wouldn't be any help.
I should be collecting data from my fellow students.
- Well, I'm glad I couldn't help. [school bell rings]
AVERY: Prompted by absolutely nothing Mama Suze said,
I decided the best course of action
was to crowd-source the necessary intel from my peers.
- Do you consent to the recording of this conversation for the purpose of data collection?
- Um... sure, why not?
- You see, chicks like their asses slapped.
And if they're making lots of noise, you know they're super into it.
- The louder they are, the more they want it.
- Um, I haven't had sex yet.
- But cheerleaders are the most sexually exploited of all the sports,
and therefore the most common object of pursuit for your male classmates.
How are you not getting laid all the time?
- I'm not discussing anything of a sexual nature,
but by saying the word "sexual" just now, I did not mean to imply anything sexual.
- Sex just isn't a priority for me.
- Is that like code for "super Christian"?
- No, and despite what you've seen on TV, we're not ruled by our libidos.
- Now my fave go-to is the titty fuck.
- Oh!
- Squeeze 'em together... pow, pow, pow. - Yes!
- So, have either of you ever so much as kissed a girl?
- I'm working on it.
- You're an exquisite physical specimen.
How are you not putting those moves to good use?
- Because I'm not Danica McCallum.
- I'm saving myself for Danica.
- Yeah, babe, you know what the fuck is going on!
- [straining] Why don't you just talk to Danica?
- Danica, Danica, Danica! Oh, Danica!
AVERY: Who was this mysterious sex goddess?
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
Danica...
Effin...
McCallum.
♪ They call me Miss Independence... ♪
- Jared, you're supposed to come from stage left, you dumb fuck.
AVERY: If I was Frodo, Danica was to be my Gandalf.
- I've come.
- Yeah, that's definitely the vibe you put out there.
She was a mecca of sexual knowledge.
She'd been with several types of guys of every religious background.
She'd seen so much cock,
she actually had a preference on length and girth.
- I like a solid 5-and-a-half inches with 4-and-one-quarter centimeters in diameter.
That's about half a centimeter larger than my vaginal canal
so there's, like, the right amount of pressure.
What are you working with, like, 4 to 5?
- I don't know.
- Well, you gotta know. Report back with measurements.
Now let's talk Kegels.
Okay, pretend like you're peeing and you wanna stop that pee.
So clench.
Not your face but the cooch.
It's not supposed to hurt. Breathe.
Hold. Relax the face.
Clench the cooter.
And... release.
[exhales softly]
Yeah, you gotta keep that shit tight
or you're gonna need a big dick for the rest of your life.
And trust me, those are hard to come by.
- Wow.
- Have you selected a fuck buddy yet?
- Excuse me? - Somebody to practice fuck.
- Oh, no, I have a boyfriend.
- This is for his benefit too.
Look into it. This kind of arrangement's quite equitable.
[exhales]
♪
- ...data and...
Spock, how does one have good sex?
SPOCK: Based on current data, good sex is achieved by
Kegels, titty fuck,
giving Danica McCallum a blow job.
♪
- Hey, Spock, uh...
what are the moral stances on using a practice partner
to enhance the experience for the actual partner?
SPOCK: Fuck nuts. Toilet face.
- ♪ ...all I did is cry ♪
♪ And I just can't take it no more ♪
- ♪ What are you waiting for? ♪ [Larson sighs]
♪ Just wanna try... ♪
LARSON: [softly] Like your guitar. Is that yours?
Yes, of course it's hers. Is that original?
- Hey, Larson! Hey!
I need you to come over to my house and hook up with me every day after school.
[student gasps]
- What? - Yeah.
You, me, sex stuff. Are you in or are you out?
- O... kay.
- Yes, no? I'm... What are we...?
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, I'm gonna see Casper at STEMCON,
which is at a hotel where we're going to be staying in hotel rooms,
and he's gonna wanna do sex stuff,
and, you know, I've never done it and I don't want to embarrass myself,
so, I need someone to practice with in a safe and exploratory environment,
and since you and I have a history of experimentation
and scientific rapport, I chose you.
- Ah! Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
Where are you... Where are you going?
Could you slow down, please?
Okay, these are the things I need to try and/or get better at.
Kissing, fondling, hand jobs, blow jobs, fingering.
I wrote "butt stuff" but then I crossed that out,
dry humping and, hey, that sounds like...
- Whoa, whoa, hey, slow down!
Seriously?
You fired me when I even got remotely close to you.
- Oh! You Afterschool Special' d me.
- I was 14 and I was trying to kiss you.
- By groping me!
- I grazed your boob, it's a move,
one I admit I executed poorly, but I was nervous.
It was my first almost kiss
and you friend zone'd the shit out of me.
So hard! You sent me to friend jail.
- Well, I'm letting you out on parole
if you return to your position as my test subject in this venture.
- How is this not cheating on your boyfriend?
- No, I looked into it.
This arrangement, it's actually quite common.
And let's be real, how can I be exclusive
with someone I've never done anything with?
So as long as we don't have sex and there's no intimate feelings,
it's fair play.
- Technically it's foreplay.
- That's bad. - Yeah.
So?
- I can't sexualize you.
I respect you too much for your brain,
for your independence, for...
My God. - Oh.
- Hmm? STUDENT: Look away, look away.
- So are you in? - I can't believe you just did that.
- Well, it proved to be an effective cinematic tactic across genres.
- [sighs] It's definitely tempting.
But, I-I... no.
Cute girl looked at me today.
I'm 90% sure.
I'm laying track to ask her to prom right now,
and I really can't have anything throwing a wrench in that plan.
- Au contraire, I'm offering you the multitool.
Countless features and mutually beneficial.
I mean, if cute girl ever fully looks at you,
you wanna be ready on prom night, right?
- Please don't blow this for me.
- Technically I'll be blowing you. - Avery!
- Okay, your house, tomorrow, 3 p. m.
Study that.
[school bell rings]
- Why is "butt stuff" before "dry humping"?
- You know, so we'll follow the same protocol as all our other experiments.
And all the data will go straight into the development of the AI,
which I'll use to conceptualize my app,
and then I've secured my presentation for the challenge
and prepared myself for STEM night,
which, mind you, is in just 23 days.
Questions? - You sure you want to do this?
For Casper?
- For me.
I may be a genius, but I imagine
I'll enjoy sex as much as any other young adult.
- Okay then.
Yeah, you seem to have mapped this all out quite thoroughly.
- Obviously.
So, our objective is to master sexual excellence
by putting research and physical skill into practice.
- How?
- Crowd sourcing and simulating that information.
- Cool. So I'm a simulator.
Do I come with VR or time travel capabilities?
- Simulation can involve real people.
- So I'm glad I'm a real person as opposed to a non-real person.
Are you a real person? - Of course.
Just with an advanced operating system.
- I have a hypothesis for our experiment.
- Hmm. - Love is what makes a good lover.
- Oh, well, I can already disprove that.
[scoffs] Love and sex are entirely different entities.
- You don't think that love leads to sex and vice versa?
- Love is a choice. - Right.
- Right. Right. - Right?
- Right. - Right.
- So... first on the list. Kissing.
Although perhaps it should have been fondling.
No. No, kissing. Kissing, right?
- Okay, all right, I gotcha. - That's right.
- How's this to start, is this good?
- Oh.
Yeah, okay, good.
Now kiss me.
- You gonna sock me in the nuts?
- I have a good reflex. - Well, I need my nuts to work.
- Why would your nuts need to work for kissing?
- Never mind.
On three, I'm going to lean in and kiss you, okay?
- Okay. Here we go.
[clears throat]
One, two, three.
Hmm. Turns out I'm a leftie.
- Ah, yeah? All right.
- Not bad.
Okay. Tongue.
- Sure. - Cool.
I'd like to scrape it first. - [groans]
Dead cells can get trapped in the enlarged papillae.
- Avery. - It's gross. What?
- How about some music? Hmm?
- Sure.
[Larson clears throat]
♪ funky '70s music playing ♪
- What is this?
- You don't like it?
- No. It's not working for me.
- Yep, yes.
♪ ...from his lips as he tells me he can't get enough... ♪
- It's a little vampire love triangle, isn't it?
- Hmm, next. - Yeah. It's not gonna...
♪ Burl Ives singing What Child is This? ♪
- Larson, what is this?
- In band, we play this for the holiday concert.
It's got a killer brass arrangement, just wait for it.
[horns blowing]
- Forget it, it's fine, this is great. It'll do.
- Yeah, yeah, okay, all right. Yeah.
Okay.
[clears throat] - Yeah.
[Larson clears throat]
BURL IVES: ♪ On Mary's lap is sleeping ♪
♪ Whom angels greet ♪
♪ With anthems sweet... ♪
- Hmm! Hmm-mm.
Ow, my arm. - Oh.
- Sorry, my arm is a little stuck. Um... - Sorry, sorry, yeah. Ah.
Sorry, maybe we should... Maybe, uh...
Maybe we just lie here for a sec.
- Yeah. [clears throat]
[Larson clears throat]
- [laughs] My building plan for Fort Larson.
LARSON: Oh, yeah. Brilliant engineering on your part.
AVERY: Epic construction on yours.
- We made a good team.
- Well, we had symbiosis.
You're, uh... you're like the Egyptian plover to my crocodile.
- What's a plover?
- Oh, it's like nature's dental assistant.
It literally survives off the rot it picks out of a crocodile's teeth.
- What?
Why am I a mouth stank-eating bird instead of the crocodile?
- Look, you're a bad-ass bird that lives in the mouth of a Nile croc
while simultaneously relieving tooth pain.
Symbiosis.
It's a... it's a win-win.
- Yep. It's delicious.
- Fine. You're the crocodile.
- No, no, you're the crocodile.
Saw that swamp tongue of yours.
- Grab a boob.
- Huh? - Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Grab a boob.
- Ah, wha... which one?
- Just do it before I change my mind.
Hmm? That's not bad.
Um...
maybe your hand goes under my shirt?
- Y-You sure?
- Why not?
I mean, we've already... dipped our feet in the pool.
LARSON: Okay.
[Avery giggling]
- Tickles.
Nice.
Um...
Maybe...
your head...
- Goes underwater?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
[Avery giggling]
This is crazy.
♪ playful orchestral music playing ♪
- Do you like that?
- Mm-hmm.
- What about this?
[zipper unzips] - Whoa!
What are you doing?
- Sorry, y-you said that...
- Oh, yeah. No, no, no, sure. Um, but...
I forgot, I have, uh, homework to do.
- Sorry, I... really, I just... - No.
You're fine. Just...
- No, with everything we talked about, I wanted to make sure that...
- No, no, no, it's all good, all good. Not that.
- Okay, as long as you feel-- - Okay, yep. Bye.
[Larson sighs]
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
AVERY: It was just like our other experiments,
so why did this somehow seem different?
Hmm.
Trial one, kissing, and trial two, fondling,
were both successful entrées into foreplay,
but trial three would first require extensive intel
on assorted dick stuff.
So, what's your penis like?
- Real thick. - Long Dong Silver.
- No, uh, what does it like?
- A blow job. A blow job.
'Cause you can't pull that off yourself. I've tried.
- Icy hot. [snarls]
- To be spoken to like a sad little boy who accidentally ruined Christmas.
AVERY: What? - The fuck?
- What?
- If you wanna become a dick-sucking artist...
- You've gotta have a strong hold on the base.
- This part, sensitive.
- A penis Picockso, a Bonet, a Frida Cocklo.
- Then with the other hand,
you come up gently over the top.
- It's all about the tip.
- This is where it gets good. [splatters]
Voilà! - Pfft! Eww!
- No guy is splooging in my mouth.
Or on my face.
- Oh, that's hot.
- Why are we expected to act like a dude's sperm
is some sugary sweet nectar from the gods?
There's a reason they call it junk.
- It's not junk, it's something my body works hard to produce.
- Thoughts on cradling?
- I do not consent to this conversation.
- Hey, let's say I successfully perform oral to the point of ejaculation.
Am I expected to swallow the discharge?
- Okay. [door clatters]
[school bell rings]
AVERY: The more the data kept pointing to it,
the more I couldn't stop thinking about "it."
I was seeing them everywhere.
[whistling]
[straining]
- These things are so hard to get off.
- I'm exploring a new series.
- This is my laughing clown nightmare.
With dicks.
- Oh, Deb's just trying to desensitize you.
- And she's the perfect source, too, because she's never been with a man.
- The gold star is a badge I proudly wear.
- Okay, there's a diversity of options.
You've got your lefties, your righties, your straight shooters, your curvatures,
and there are some really veiny ones out there, Avery,
just... keep that in mind.
- Are you some secret dick wizard, Kim?
- I saw a few in college.
Terrifying skin pickles, but you gotta try things to know what you want.
Or don't want.
- Cool. I'll just be at Hometown Buffet sampling the local beef.
- Okay, just remember, no matter the size, it's the biggest you've ever seen.
- Oh, the fragile male ego.
Women don't measure the size of their pussy.
- Mine's 4.3 inches deep.
- Period, that was a breeze.
The losing the virginity, this is what we've been training for.
[line ringing]
- Back to you! - Yay!
MAMA SUZE: Got it.
AVERY: Dicks.
[gasps] Oh, my God. What are you watching?
WOMAN ON TV: Ride 'em, cowboy! - Oh, it's just... it was just on TV.
- Uh, that's not TV, that's porn.
- Now, how come a penis on screen is considered porn,
but breasts aren't?
- Interesting. Well, I don't know.
Maybe 'cause breasts aren't ramming some chick in the ass.
- Language.
- This has Ma Deb written all over it.
- I told her this was a bit much.
- This is why I can't tell you guys anything.
- You are right, this is, yecch!
Actually, I don't... I really don't like this kind of porn.
I prefer a little softer.
Mostly cuddling.
And sharing feelings.
Actually, I think I just like documentaries.
- Do not condone this. - Mm-hmm.
- Learning how to have sex by watching porn
is like learning how to drive by watching Fast and the Furious.
♪ energetic music playing ♪
Okay, look, I just need to touch it. I gotta get it over with.
- Jesus. - Whip it out.
- Easy!
He's shy, he needs a little pep talk before he comes out of the dressing room.
- Oh, mm-hmm, okay.
This is your moment to step into your light and share your talent.
The world is ready for you to shine.
- Avery, maybe try with your hand?
- Yeah. Okay.
Oh. Hey. Oh!
Oh, it jumped.
- Yeah... - Uh...
[zipper unzips] Hey there.
Just kind of popped out to say hello, huh?
Aww! - No, don't "aww," you can't do that.
- Oh, no, it's nice.
And, you know, kind of sweet.
Like an enoki.
You know, the mushrooms.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no. It's going down.
- Yeah. - Uh, the show is not over.
Rise for your encore.
- Oh, my God, I can't believe that's working.
Uh, maybe a little louder and a little closer.
AVERY: All right, buddy, you've got this. I believe in you.
Are you ready? - I was born ready.
- Ready.
How's that?
- Oh, actually, a little less pressure.
[monitor beeping] - Copy.
- Uh... less pressure.
LARSON: Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh!
It's working!
- Your pulse is racing. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's normal.
Ah, yeah.
- Hey, is everything okay?
- Everything's great, really great!
Oh! Whoa!
Heads up for... - Takeoff?
- Yep!
Whoa!
[straining]
Oh! Oh!
Stay on course!
[straining]
It's happening!
Whoa! - Ahh!
LARSON: Yeahhhhhh... - [deep, slow voice] Oh, shit!
- Avery?
- Yeah?
- Thanks.
- Hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Do you want me to return the favor?
- Uh...
Yeah.
Okay.
- Okay.
So, what do you like?
- Uh...
You know what, actually, I think we can call today's experiment a success.
Uh, we've hit a very important part in the engineering process
in which one assesses the data,
and so I'll go analyze that and get back to you.
- Wait, wait, where are you going? I thought I was going to return the favor.
- Why? We achieved foreplay.
- Yeah, for me.
But getting a guy off isn't rocket science.
It's only a successful mission if we both enjoy it.
- I had a great time.
- No, I mean, I want to get you off too.
I mean, that's sort of how you know it went well, if we both do, right?
- That's really sweet.
- Avery!
AVERY: Larson knew what he liked, but I didn't.
How could I create an app that provides users
with steps to take to achieve good sex if I didn't even know what I liked?
A critical gap in my data.
With STEMCON around the corner, I needed to consult
the ultimate expert in teen sexuality.
[computer chirping]
- So... you've never touched yourself.
What about when you wipe?
- I'm not doing it with my bare hand.
- Dude, are you fucking serious?
Did you measure?
- It wasn't for pleasure.
- Mid force? - Roughly.
- Okay, good. Have you ever heard of a dildo?
AVERY: Have I heard of a dildo?
♪ funky music playing ♪
MAMA SUZE: Avery!
Debra, have you seen my magic wand?
BOTH: More than meets the eye!
- Eye! MAMA SUZE: God dang it, Avery!
- I have a fundamental bias against vibrators.
I would just want to be able to operate my own machinery.
- Every captain should know how to steer her own ship.
Hot tip.
When testing the waters, Jacuzzi jets are the way to go.
Just do some exploring.
- I'm like the Voyager.
- You can't work in a vacuum.
This is gonna require physical and mental stimulation.
- It's like how Wonder Woman was given all this training,
but it wasn't until she was able to channel her mental power
into her physical abilities that she was able to defeat her opponents.
- Uh... yeah, sure.
I'm just saying like...
try to picture your object of desire.
- Right.
DANICA: Could I offer a suggestion?
Coconut oil.
- Mama Suze cooks with that.
- It's all natural, moisturizing, a delightful lubricant.
Avery...
go home and do some finger painting.
- Okay.
[sighing]
♪ ringtone playing ♪ Oh, no, no.
- Well, hello. - Shit.
- Con's coming up, I can't wait. - Hey.
- Your response time suggests that your fingers are equally excited
to explore our respective functionality.
What presentation group were you assigned to?
- Uh, day two, morning group.
- Ooh, strong open.
I'm day one, late show.
Want a preview?
- Oh, wouldn't you rather just relish in anticipation?
- Genius. Can't wait to see yours in two weeks.
- Mm, yep, me too.
♪ energetic music playing ♪
Ooh!
[sighing]
Uncharted waters.
♪ pop orchestra playing '50s ballad ♪
♪
- Why, hello there, Avery.
I just finished my research paper on toxic algae bloom,
and it's getting awfully hot in here.
- Ooh!
♪ Avery, baby ♪
♪ You're driving me crazy ♪
♪ My soul innovator ♪
♪ Our love calculator ♪
♪ Says you plus me ♪
♪ Equals mad sexy ♪
[straining]
♪ Ooh-ooh... ♪
[toilet flushes]
[pipes whining]
- Oh! It burns! Oh, it burns, burns, burns!
Flush warning next time!
MAMA SUZE: Sorry.
[gasping] [phone buzzing]
[clears throat]
- 'Sup? - Nothing. I'm behind on my presentation.
STEMCON's around the corner, and I still haven't figured out
the algorithm to provide a successful outcome.
- Yeah, thought that was why you were coming over,
so you could get all that data?
- Yeah, well, I'm blocked, so it's moot.
- Hey, what happened to all that symbiosis we had going on?
Open up that croc trap of yours and let me peck around.
- So you admit you're the plover.
- If it's working.
- Hmm. Nothing's working.
- Maybe you're too in your head.
- Where else would I be?
- No, I mean, maybe you're thinking too much
about something that should happen more naturally.
- I don't know, I mean, maybe... talk me through what you do?
How do you get there?
- Are you suggesting we have phone sex?
- Am I?
Should we?
Do you know how?
- Maybe. I... I think I'm supposed to say a bunch of stuff to turn you on.
- Okay.
Go! - Uh...
Jeez, uh...
Uh, how's, uh...
[speaking Vulcan language]
- Wait, Vulcan?
Larson, no way.
[laughs]
Very impressed.
- Yeah.
Th-There was an online tutorial. - Yeah, it's impressive.
But, uh... ineffective.
- Are you judging yourself?
- Oh, right.
Okay, hang on.
- Ah.
- Okay, continue.
[speaking Vulcan]
...sexy.
- Nothin'.
God, what am I doing wrong?
- No, maybe it's my Vulcan.
I should just recite the periodic table.
- Ha, ha.
- Or name an element after you.
- Wait... Say that again?
- There should be an element on the periodic table named after you?
Uh, a never-before-seen metal.
Avery Namium.
- Well, there... there was a tingle.
Keep going. - Th-This new element...
uh, you found it on your voyage to Mars.
- I went to Mars? - After you graduated from MIT.
- Summa cum laude?
- Oh, yeah, and you got this grant.
- I got a research grant? Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
So they sent you to Mars, and because of this whole new element thing,
the capital of Mars is now Averyopolis.
- Yeah? - Yeah. A thriving new colony.
And you're their leader, and it's a super chill place
so no surprise, you were awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, oh, yeah. Yeah, this is working.
- Are you there? - Oh, almost there.
- Y-You'll win STEMCON, STEM awards.
[sighs]
[gasps] Oh, fuck!
Oh, God, oh, no.
Okay, I'm losing it, I'm losing it. - Avery? You there?
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, it's, that's gone.
Mm.
[sighs]
STEM night was a week away
and I had yet to crack the code for my night with Casper, or my app.
All right, people. Insights on female pleasure. Go.
- I just want to point out that if I ever said anything like that to you,
I'd be so canceled.
- Okay, clearly, since I'm the only one here who's actually been with a girl,
I'll take this one.
Tell your partner to enjoy you like an ice cream cone that's melting.
Catch every last drop.
- Maybe he doesn't do dairy.
- Hmm. Okay, does he like to do the crossword?
- Be surprised if he didn't, everyone does.
- Have him fill out the boxes with a pointy tongue going across
and a flat one going down.
- Ah, la-la-la-la-la-la! - Oh, my God, Troy!
I'm like destroying this equation up here and you're missing it.
Just be less, 'kay?
Okay, we're going to put that over a negative three...
- All right. Other techniques?
- Tactics?
Frank?
- There's a common misconception that most women climax from penetrative sex,
but statistics show that 75% of women
can't achieve orgasm from penetration alone.
Stimulating the clitoris and other erogenous zones is key.
- Damn.
- And how does one locate said e-zones?
- My cousin said that it's best to think of your body like a game of Twister
and eventually you'll find the spot.
- Avery, look at me. Your body is a Costco, okay?
You're trying all these different samples, right?
You're trying all these different samples. Oop! Uh-oh. You found the one.
- Okay, but where are the sample booths located?
- Avery, I cannot tell you everything. Jesus.
- If I may, the G depends largely on the individual,
but there are a certain number of other erogenous zones
that occur across genders and sexual preferences,
including toes, neck, ear, butt, behind the knees, elbows.
The partner-pleasure approaches.
The rock-and-roll, the surf's up, the double-action revolver,
the Spock, the reverse Spock, the devil's advocate.
I'll email you a list later. - Damn!
- Oh, no, no.
- Why does pleasing women gotta be so complicated?
- I can orgasm.
Right here, right now.
- If I did that, I'd be suspended.
I would be suspended!
- Oh, my God, Troy, you so will be. Okay, just take it down or take it out.
- Uh, Ms. Russell? - Yeah, baby.
- Hi, mama. Uh...
Let's say Avery needs to solve for C.
- Ooh, participation! Yes! [snaps fingers]
- But doesn't Avery also need to solve for G?
Isn't G the super proof?
- But to solve for C and G,
should she maybe also solve for A too?
- Ooh! - Whoa, whoa!
- Excuse me, some of us like to solve for A.
- Oh, for sure, A is great, guys.
- I love you, Ms. Russell. Everyone loves a pinkie.
Everybody. - What about B squared?
- Oh, my God, loves B squared,
but we save that for our boy quadratic
when B squared is on top of 2A.
- Yeah, she is!
- You know, I do really love the triangle angle sum theorem,
because we get the all-powerful isosceles.
- Mm, preach!
- Ooh! MS. RUSSELL: Avery.
- Let's say movement occurs at the intersection of the angles.
How would we solve for G?
- We're talking magnitude, huh? Okay.
We're going to need a vector that starts at D and goes deep into G.
- Yeah, we do.
- Now, it doesn't matter how big this vector is or how long,
what matters is the angle, okay?
MARLA: The angle!
- Marla? You good there, boo? STUDENT: She's really doing it.
MARLA: Yes, yes...
Yes!
- [device beeps] SPOCK: You have sufficient data to achieve orgasm.
- [gasps] Yes!
- They grow up so fast. - I know. Go get 'em, girl.
MS. RUSSELL: ...take the test next week. - [bell ringing]
- Ooh!
- Oh, shit, sorry. Sorry about that. - Oh, you're all good.
These, uh, blank corners will get you every time.
- What? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Um, you play the trombone, right?
We have band together? - Uh-huh.
- I thought so. Um... I'm... - Hey!
Larson.
Uh, we have that, um...
paper?
- Yeah, um, sorry.
Uh, I'll see you in band. There you go.
- Okay, thank you. - Yeah, bye.
- Hey, I-- - No.
- I can't believe I didn't figure it out, you know.
It's the chemistry plus the geometry.
You solve for G, you trigger a dopamine receptor
so then the dopamine floods your body in chemical ecstasy.
Marla can do it. She did it in class. You should have seen it.
But I'm not that skilled.
- That's okay, I think I get what you're saying.
But you know how it's always more satisfying if someone else rubs your feet?
- Okay, great.
Rub my proverbial feet.
- Here we go.
- Godspeed.
♪ Like yeah, we so amazin' yeah, we do it like that ♪
- Am I in the right place? - Yep. Keep going.
- Oh, my God! [voice echoing]
♪ Like yeah, yeah, we the greatest... ♪
- This good?
Do you feel that? - Oh, this is great.
- That's nice.
- Go a little to the left.
- My left? - My left.
Oh, no, sorry, sorry. Your left. [laughs]
- Oh, wait.
[sighs] I'm learning a lot of things.
Like this? Like that?
AVERY: Faster, yeah.
[both laughing] Yeah... yeah!
What... What was that?
- This spot's speaking to me, is it speaking to you?
- Yeah, no, move. - Whoa!
- Wait a minute, where are you going? - It's a lot to take in, you know?
Wow... [voice echoing] Wow!
Am I close? - Oh, you sure are.
- Whoa! Think I found it.
You like that?
- Oh, I like what you're doing down there.
- Yeah?
Should I keep going? - Don't stop.
- This feel good? Trying to get in.
- Go faster. [door rattling]
- Oh, yeah, looks like we're getting close.
Something's happening. Oh, something's definitely happening.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Should I? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, go, go, go.
Oh!
♪ epic orchestral music playing ♪
Ooh! [laughing]
[sighing]
Wow!
[giggles]
- How was that?
- Wow! [laughs]
Sex Appeal.
- Hmm?
- That's what I'm gonna name my app.
- Oh. Great.
Yeah, yeah, just sometimes you have to take your head off of something.
- Yeah, or keep it down.
[laughing]
One in three women have trouble reaching orgasm while having sex.
29% of women ages 16 to 17 are actually having sex,
which meant that without even having sex,
I was already in the top third
of the third who reached sexual achievement.
My first orgasm.
I'd finally become a woman.
- You good?
- Yeah, real good.
Thanks, buddy.
- You bet.
Buddy.
- Larson?
- Yeah.
- So, when you have sex, is it like this, just more involved?
- I haven't had sex.
- But you've had girlfriends.
Girls like you.
- But that doesn't mean I've had sex.
I... I'm waiting for the right person.
- But then how do you... I mean, how do you know so much?
- I don't.
With you...
everything just feels right, I guess.
- Hmm! Whoa, whoa!
Ah, back it up.
- What? - Uh, we're not doing that.
- I thought you wanted to give everything a test run.
- Not that.
- Okay.
Okay, s-sorry, I just... I thought that...
- Well, then you weren't thinking with your brain, Larson.
Well, you just launched a harpoon without tying the rope off.
- I'll tie it off.
I have several ropes: ribbed ropes, organic ropes, prelubed ropes...
- Okay, reel it in, Skipper.
- But... you want to?
Gilligan?
- Okay, first of all, I am clearly Professor Roy Hinkley...
and that was never part of the plan.
Our dynamic needs to remain strictly professional
for the sake of the experiment.
[Larson sighs]
- You know, my hypothesis...
- Which was null and void. - By you.
But I think...
love leads to sex
and sex leads to love and that's how you get chemistry.
It's intertwined.
- Wait, hold on.
Let me explain the chemistry to you.
So, even prolonged eye contact
sends signals to your brain to release dopamine--
- Forget the chemicals.
I'm saying love and sex are interwoven.
AVERY: No, love has nothing to do with good sexual experiences.
I mean, we had just proven that.
The experiment was a success.
I finally had all the data I needed.
Now I only had a week to put it all together and complete the app.
NIKKI: Think of your body like a game of Twister.
STUDENT: Oop! You found the one.
BIANCA: Gotta have a strong hold on the base.
STUDENT: It's all about the tip.
LARSON: It's only a successful mission if we both enjoy it.
FRANK: Stimulating the clitoris is key. DANICA: Do some finger painting.
FRANK: Partner-pleasure approaches, the rock-and roll... MARLA: Yes!
FRANK: ...the surf's up, the double-action revolver.
MS. RUSSELL: It starts at D... MARLA: Yes!
MS. RUSSELL: ...and goes deep into G.
- Voilà! MARLA: Yes!
Yesss!
SPOCK: Update complete.
How may I assist you?
AVERY: Spock, how does one have good sex?
SPOCK: Based on current data, good sex is achieved by:
one, self-exploration to discover personalized pleasure;
two, communicate likes and dislikes to partner;
three, give and receive consent;
four, engage in foreplay,
including ears, neck, back, buttocks,
nipples, clitoris...
[doorbell rings]
[door opens]
LARSON: Hey. - Hey.
Uh... Uh...
- Oop. - Yeah.
I saw that there was an exhibit at the science museum
on bioluminescence.
It's only here for another week, so you wanna go tonight?
- Oh, I caught that opening weekend.
Besides, I have STEMCON tomorrow.
- Right, yeah, that's why, you know, I thought
maybe we could do something fun before you go.
- Well, it's the night before the big day.
I need all my energy focused on mental preparation,
but I appreciate your assistance and support,
and, um, I'll see you when I get back with all the details.
- Avery, every, everything that we did...
how did it make you feel?
- Um...
amazing. [laughs]
Think there was concrete evidence of that.
- Anything change for you?
- I'm in the top third of the third percentile now?
- Did anything else change for you?
- Come on, I gotta get back to my prep.
- So that's it, if we're not doing your experiment, we can't hang?
- Larson, this is my prom, remember?
I mean, like any teen girl, it's rightfully consuming my thoughts.
- I get it, I get it. Um...
Have a nice prom.
I got two tickets to the exhibit, so...
I'll just go twice.
Double matinee.
I'm gonna learn a shit ton about biolumes.
I guess.
[softly] Ah, fuck.
- Hey, Larson. - Have a good trip.
- Okay.
SPOCK: Please upload your app logo.
Congratulations, your Sex Appeal app is complete.
[phone buzzing]
- There's my girl.
[Avery humming]
Are you humming?
- Ah, yep.
Mm!
Whoa, these pancakes are delightful.
- Well, I used ghee.
I cannot find our coconut oil.
[Avery clears throat] [Mama Suze sighs]
AVERY: Weird.
STEMCON was finally here,
my chance to cement my name in STEM history
and kick off my scientific career.
[cheering] - So beautiful!
[all talking at once]
- Okay, let me take one of the three... [indistinct chatter]
- This is STEMCON, I don't... - Oh, just take it.
- Be safe. - Okay, bye. Love you!
- Use protection. [door opens]
Aw, she is gonna nail it!
[door closes]
AVERY: But first, the big night.
I was gonna rock Larson's world.
Wait, did I say Larson? [clears throat]
I mean, Casper. Casper's world.
- ...but the future of it all is...
- Casper, hi. - Avery, oh, my God.
Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
AVERY: This was the night I was to rock Casper's world.
- ...personal financial advice
just a tap away.
Fi-Tap.
Financing for college-bound...
AVERY: I said Larson a second ago because there was all this adrenaline
from preparation for the approaching event,
but it's not like I was suddenly falling for Larson or anything.
Just wanna be clear, 'cause that was not the plan.
[applause]
[Avery giggles] [head thuds]
Ow! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, Jesus. All right? - Yeah, it's all right.
- All right.
SPOCK: To enhance the mood, turn off the lights,
but have one main light source from the left
for optional visibility.
- Oh, actually, I think it's that... No. - Just do it.
- The left side, I think. He said the left side.
- Left. Your left or mine?
[giggles] - All right.
SPOCK: To heighten the experience, employ music pleasing to the subject.
- No, I made a playlist. - Oh.
Spot on. This is spot on. - Yeah.
[both laugh]
SPOCK: Do you both consent?
- I do. - I do. [laughs]
SPOCK: Foreplay may begin.
- Wha... - It's...
SPOCK: Engage erogenous zones,
including ears, neck, back, behind the knees, buttocks, elbows.
- Ooh! - Jeez! Ow, God.
- I hit you. SPOCK: Switch e-zones.
Nipples are stimulating for both males and females.
- Nipples.
Are you there yet? - Okay. Oop.
- Oh, yeah! - Yeah?
- No.
SPOCK: When arousal has occurred,
subjects may employ choice contraception.
- Yeah, yeah! [laughs]
- Um... - Uh, I have one.
Here you are.
- "Microthin extra lubricated."
"Piña colada."
Such a complex flavor. - Oh! So I've heard.
SPOCK: Do you both consent?
- I do. - Hell yeah.
- Oh.
- I love your brain. - I love your brain.
SPOCK: You are now achieving good sex.
Congratulations.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- There you go. - You sure?
- Mm-hmm. - Um...
- Do you maybe wanna try on top, maybe? - Yeah.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Nice. - Ah, yeah.
- All right. - Mm.
- Sh-Should we stop?
- Yeah.
- Okay. All right.
[clears throat]
[Avery clicks tongue]
- Okay.
Uh...
- Okay.
♪ White silver stripes ♪
♪ Blue dot, black star ♪
♪ Big dreamin' little ants ♪
♪ It's just who we are ♪
♪ I want to change ♪
♪ I want to change what's to come ♪
♪ I want to change ♪
♪ I want to change the subject ♪
♪ I want to change... ♪
♪ rock band playing ♪
[applause]
EMCEE: Now, welcome to the stage our reigning champion,
sure to dazzle us yet again,
Ms. Avery Hansen-White!
[cheering]
STUDENT: We love you, Avery!
AVERY: How was I going to sell an app to an entire room of people
when I knew it didn't work?
I was terrified that my first sexual encounter would be a failure.
We've all been there, am I right?
[audience silent]
[scattered murmuring]
What if you could erase all that fear of failure
from your first time with a sexual partner?
What if there was an app designed to prepare its user
for a mutually appealing and successful experience?
♪
Imagine if you had Sex Appeal.
[murmuring continues]
I'm really sorry, um...
I withdraw my, my presentation.
I... Thank you.
[confused murmuring]
EMCEE: Ms. Hansen-White?
[applause] - Thank you so much. Thanks.
GIRL: Thank you.
- Thank you. - Thank you. Thank you.
[applause continues]
- All that build-up, you know, all the anticipation,
and it wasn't really anything.
And, you know, given that it was technically a milestone event,
it was so uneventful.
[scoffs] And I don't know,
I thought I'd feel...
different?
- Well, maybe that's the problem, Avery.
You don't seem to feel anything.
Or care about anyone.
- What?
That's not true. I mean, I care about you.
- Right.
Okay, well, I have homework, so...
- Cool. I'll do it for you, and then we can hang.
- I can't do that with you, Avery. - Why not?
- Do you actually think I'm into bioluminescence?
- I mean, I'm guessing you're not for the sake of your argument,
but... everyone should be.
- Well, they're not.
Avery, let me explain something to you.
I have always cared about you.
That boob graze, I...
I was an idiot 14-year-old getting advice from other idiot 14-year-olds
who told me if I wanted to be more than friends with you,
I needed to make a move.
So I did.
And you rejected me, and that's fine.
But I spent the next three years trying really hard to move on.
And I finally did.
But then you suck me back in with this thing that I didn't want to do
and here I am again.
And I'm done.
I'm done waiting for the moment where you...
change your mind about me.
About us.
- Us?
I mean, Larson, I'm moving to Massachusetts in the fall,
so it just wouldn't be practical.
- Practical? Jesus, Avery! What about emotional, huh?
- Okay, well, you do seem to be getting a little emotional.
- Yeah... You know what?
You... you're right.
I have no place to be upset.
This grew for me.
It didn't grow for you, and that...
that just sucks.
- Well, I never said that it didn't grow for me.
- Do you have feelings for me?
- I mean, I...
- You...?
- I mean...
- Come on, Avery, you always have an answer.
- Yeah, well, I wanna have the right answer.
I...
- I don't wanna be your guinea pig anymore.
- Hey, you're not.
- Really?
Then why do you always ask to experiment on me and never with me?
- Larson... hang on.
We both were practicing...
- For you, Avery!
- We both agreed to everything.
Are you upset that I slept with Casper instead of you?
- No.
No, I'm glad we didn't.
Because I'm waiting to be with someone who cares about me
as much as I care about them.
So... it would have been a big mistake.
AVERY: Maybe Larson was right.
Maybe I should have considered his hypothesis
that love and sex were intertwined.
Was that the missing data?
Had I disregarded a crucial piece of intel?
- The best part about sex is for sure the love.
- There is no greater feeling.
It's beyond a physical feeling.
- The idea that you could be completely naked with someone
and be totally comfortable, that's...
that's incredible.
That's like next level trust.
- You just want to spend every second with them,
want to share everything with them.
If you lose them...
- If that trust is broken...
- The emptiness, it's...
suffocating.
- My ex broke up with me over text, and...
he didn't even give me a reason.
- Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
Doesn't really work like that.
- When Melissa Delazzo started sitting with Dwayne on the bus instead of me...
it was like I lost the rudder to the ship of myself.
- To quote T. Swift, "I never heard a silence quite this loud."
[sobbing] - I know.
Just... please.
- Feelings.
You can't control shit.
- Rejection can have you shattered into a million pieces.
- All of a sudden, you're reaching out for this person
who was always there before, but now they're gone.
- Truth is, you don't... you don't just lose a piece of your heart,
you lose...
you lose your best friend.
- Hey, hon, how are you feeling?
- Fine. Shut the door.
MAMA SUZE: Are you su...
Need to just talk a little? Okay. - Shut the door. Nope. Nope.
- What are you feeling? Name your feelings by name.
- Shut the door!
MAMA SUZE: I told you she's not gonna talk to you. - Please!
[Avery groans]
MAMA SUZE: Get in there! Go! AVERY: Oh, my...
- Oh, yay, it's my turn.
- [whines] Maternal figures multiplying.
- I know.
Go easy on me.
Look, I...
I'm here for you,
and I'm just gonna sit here till you ask me to leave.
- I lost...
- STEMCON?
- That too, I guess.
- Oh, your virginity.
- Hmm, that too.
No, that's not what I mean. - Oh, shit. What else did you lose?
- The only real friend I've ever had.
- Oh.
So that means they lost someone special to them too.
- I hadn't considered that.
- Yeah, that's the thing with friendship or sex.
- You may continue.
- Yeah, so the key to a good friendship or good sex
is, um, it's about giving, not taking.
So luckily, like sex, friendship is something
that you can get better at with practice.
- That lands.
Good job, Kim.
- Cool.
[sighs] Glad I could help.
This teen crisis has been so stressful.
Okay, good.
- What did she say? Tell her to name her feelings and...
- Oh, my God. - Don't ask me to name my feelings.
- Okay.
But...
he probably needs to know how you feel.
So...
when you know, you should tell him.
- Like I gotta go get the guy?
- Yeah. And speak from the heart.
It's the best way back into his.
Okay.
I don't know why I did that. Okay.
I did it. MAMA SUZE: That went great!
MA DEB: Yay!
♪ playing Sousa march ♪
- Ahem. Excuse me. So sorry.
Larson, your hypothesis was correct.
Love and sex are absolutely intertwined.
I've got an answer for you.
[Burl Ives singing What Child is This?]
My answer is that there is no answer.
There is no answer because this isn't math or physics
or some kind of equation.
We got into this under the pretense of an experiment,
and you're right, it evolved into something much more.
♪ music continues on phone ♪
- [softly] Avery, please.
- Wait... Larson.
Larson!
- Look, I knew it would backfire, and now things, they're just different.
But I'm good with it, okay?
AVERY: Wait, wait, hang on.
Larson, it's not that I don't feel something for you.
Okay?
Look, I... I do.
I feel more than I've ever felt for a person, and...
if I had known that I was hurting you, I never would have--
- Would have what?
- The experiment.
But it wasn't for nothing.
Because I learned how much I truly care about you.
- Avery, you were right.
You're the crocodile.
But the crocodile can live alone in that swamp.
And that is okay.
'Cause we need people like you who are gonna change that swamp
with their achievements and discoveries and...
but we need birds like me who are gonna love them
for being exactly that.
But for that symbiosis to work in the world...
the bird really needs to go fly with other birds.
AVERY: Larson, wait!
Go to prom with me.
- [scoffs] What? - Yeah. Let's go to prom.
- No.
- Why?
- You said it yourself, it's just a bunch of overhyped, superfluous--
- No, you were right, okay?
We never did any of the fun high school stuff.
- I don't wanna go. I'm over it.
- I don't... I don't believe that.
Come on, we should go.
You, me, prom.
- I thought STEM was your prom.
- Larson.
- Avery, I gotta go.
- Well, I'll walk with you. - I'm good.
- Look, I may not show it in the same way, but...
I...
I love you.
Larson!
[door clangs open]
Larson...
[door closes]
[sniffles]
- What are you doing here?
- I come up here every day to cry and smoke.
Why are you in my spot?
Oh, shit.
All right.
Talk to me.
AVERY: I told her everything, about the sexperiments,
failing STEMCON, realizing I love Larson.
I messed up.
I was so focused on doing things right...
that I didn't...
I didn't realize that I was hurting him. I failed him.
- Didn't Einstein fail a bunch of times before he got it right?
- That is an exhausted anecdote, overused by underachievers.
- You kids are overly worried about getting good at the sex stuff.
That's the easy part.
It's the relationship that takes practice.
- How much practice?
Because I don't think I ever want to feel like this again.
- All right, if your heart hurts, your heart works.
You got one rep in, it'll be easier to go there next time.
- Next time?
- Yeah. - But what about Larson?
Is there any saving of friendship that went beyond friendship?
- Sometimes.
And sometimes a person or friendship is just part of the journey
to figuring your own shit out.
- Thank you.
- Eh, I got a few good ones in me.
[clicks tongue]
Stay safe.
Be prepared. - Yeah.
- I will be back in ten minutes to smoke this joint.
You better be gone. - I'll be gone.
- Okay.
♪ student singing ballad ♪
[students chattering]
♪ But I'm dying to feel something ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ But you're still away ♪
♪ But I want you to stay ♪
- Hey.
I'm Avery.
- Hey.
- So, my buddy Larson really likes you.
- Larson? Like Larson Hecht?
- Yeah. - Aren't you guys a thing?
- No. [laughs]
But, um, he's liked you for a while now.
He's incredible.
He's gonna make the right girl so damn happy.
So...
if you like him, you should ask him to prom.
- Well, why won't he just ask me?
- 'Cause he's been hurt.
And...
he doesn't want to put himself out there in case he gets hurt again, so...
Or maybe you could just ask him.
He's worth it.
I promise.
- Okay.
Um... I think I will.
Thanks.
- [clicks tongue] Hey, cute girl.
You have a personality, right?
- Excuse me?
- Well, you're not just some attractive object of pursuit.
I've seen this a lot in the films I watched
in preparation for losing my virginity.
- Okay.
First of all, "cute" is a term I reserve for instafamous hedgehogs.
I'm not a girl, I'm a young woman, with an extensive list of interests,
and just because I practice active listening,
doesn't mean I'm inarticulate or submissive.
Hi.
My name's Lyssa.
- Nice to meet you.
Go get the guy, would ya?
TEACHER: Why, such is love's transgression,
griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast.
[knock on door] - Can I help you, Avery?
- Excuse me, sorry. I, uh...
Just refer to your textbooks for the rest of that enchanting passage.
I'll just be a moment.
Sorry, uh...
I... I just... I regraded my paper.
Um... you gave me an 89 and I deserved...
- An A-plus?
Avery, I'm a massive Trekkie.
None of the references were lost on me.
I just didn't find them relevant in an essay about...
love.
Wow. That's a B.
That's a big ugly B regular.
- While those references were spot-on...
I missed the point.
You can't calculate for love.
You can only experience as much love as you're willing to give.
That's the real choice.
I didn't get that, so...
I concede.
I don't deserve an A.
- That's very mature of you, Avery.
- Well, I am a woman now.
[muffled laughter]
Not because I popped my cherry.
Relax.
It's, I just...
learned that sometimes you have to fail to grow.
- Well, you didn't fail. I mean, that's a B.
And your grade won't be compromised with a 105 average.
- Yeah, the move was strategic,
but relish in the sentiment, will ya?
[whispering] I'll see ya later.
[teacher clears throat]
- Okay.
So where was I, breast? I leave off at breast?
[students murmuring] STUDENT: Uh, yeah.
♪ romantic pop song playing ♪
[indistinct conversation]
AVERY: I set the whole thing up.
I had to make sure it went according to plan.
And it did.
- Don't be weird, be reals. - Okay.
AVERY: I thought high school was about setting yourself up
for the rest of your life, and it kind of is.
- Come on.
AVERY: Just not in the way I expected.
SINGER: All right, let's turn this party up!
AVERY: Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my GPA,
and I can't wait to go to MIT.
But the most valuable lesson from high school...
came from Larson.
Not how to be good at sex,
but to be good to others.
Because it turns out, making other people happy makes you happy.
- Avery! ♪ dance music playing ♪
AVERY: And that's a pretty epic win.
♪ All we need's a bit of each other ♪
♪ To feel new ♪
♪ I've got a lot of steam ♪
♪ To blow off ♪
DIRECTOR: Scene 1, actor take 1, mark.
[snickers] - ♪ Bam bam bam bam ♪
[crew laughing]
AVERY: I'm sorry. - I... I don't know what to tell you.
Yeah, babe, I mean, we can't do this all for you.
What, am I gonna suck his dick for you?
[laughing]
- Yeah, I will.
Ooh. We both would.
- Well, speak for yourself. - Just let us know.
[crew laughing]
- Feel like... I forgot the line.
[crew laughing] Wow.
DIRECTOR: Can you touch a little longer?
LARSON: Whoa.
[crew laughing]
- Math does the body good!
- Oh, yeah. [laughs]
[needle scratches record] Wha...?
- What? I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it like that.
- Chill out, bro. - No, no, no, we're good.
- We're seniors, and you've never been to a school dance,
and we both know you don't think-- do things you're not-- Sorry.
- I'm willing to let you out on parole if you return to your test position... to...
Fuckin'...
[imitating rewinding audio] AVERY: Fuck. I'm sorry.
[crew laughing]
Combo.
DIRECTOR: Oh, that's cool.
- Spock. - [laughing] Very nice, Spock.
- Reverse Spock. WOMAN: Reverse Spock! [laughing]
- Can I just go for it?
The rock star, the surf's up, the devil's advocate,
the Spock, the reverse Spock, the scissors beats paper,
the sideways dancing man.
Today's episode is brought to you by the letter G.
What's up, G? I'll email you a list.
[laughter, indistinct shouting]
- Oh, my God, I can't believe it's working!
- There's a microphone under there. [laughing]
[kids speaking nonsense, laughing]
- Do you know, Deb's batteries are all in her vibrators, so...
do you think she's gonna take those out and put it in the remote?
I don't think so.
[crew laughing]
- Piña Colada. Such a complex flavor.
- Tastes like sunscreen.
I licked it again, what is wrong with me?
- Even Hemingway fucked it up on the first go.
Cut yourself-- Oh, I said "fuck."
Is this a fuck production?
- Sexual intimacy is something to be gained.
KIM: That's beautiful, sweetheart.
- Why are you so far away from me? I have a short arm.
- Uggh! Uggh! Uggh!
Ohh!
Uggh!
DIRECTOR: Good timing.
- That got really close that time.
- Yeah. It looked good though. - I'm really sorry.
- Were you not entertained?
So now while you are here...
fuckin' love...
[crew laughing]
- Okay, so we'll follow the same protocol
as all-ov-our previous experiments--
- [laughs] Oh, yeah?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, yeah?
[laughing]
Say it again. [mimicking] "As all-ov-our..."
Ha, ha! Sorry. Blooper reel.
- I think it went well. - Pretty good.
- It didn't feel good, but I think it was good.
- Yes. - Yes.
[crew laughing]
DIRECTOR: Cut! Great.
♪ romantic ballad playing ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ Two people in love aren't meant to be ♪
♪ Because sometimes ♪
♪ They can't give each other what they need ♪
♪ For them to be happy ♪
♪ Because happy isn't just a one-way street ♪
♪ So before you go ♪
♪ I hope you know ♪
♪ That I wish you all the best ♪
♪ I hope you fly like a bird ♪
♪ Who can finally leave the nest ♪
♪ I cannot wait to see ♪
♪ When you are happy ♪
♪ Though the world of us is just a memory ♪
♪ After a while, I hope you'd smile if you remember me ♪
♪ That I don't want to forget ♪
♪ I can't regret anything ♪
♪ At all ♪
♪ I wish you all the best ♪
♪ I hope that you get the world ♪
♪ And you're given all the rest ♪
♪ I cannot wait to see ♪
♪ When you are happy ♪
♪ I wish you all the best ♪
♪ I hope you fly like a bird ♪
♪ Who can finally leave the nest ♪
♪ I cannot wait to see ♪
♪ When you are happy ♪
♪