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Hey ho! Let's go
Dad?
Mom? Can I have breakfast?
-Honey, don't move. Mommy! Daddy!
-Piledriver!
-I love you! -How do you have so many knees?
-Incoming! -Okay! Yes!
Charlotte, sweetie, I'll make you breakfast in just a sec.
Ah! I'm up. I'm up.
I'm up. Oh, boy!
-Here we go. -It begins.
They're forming in a straight line
They're going through a tight wind
The kids are losing their minds
Blitzkrieg Bop
They're piling in the backseat
-Mom, can I have pizza for breakfast? -Yeah!
-Really? -No.
-Charlotte, get off the chair. -No way!
-Charlotte, I'm going to count to three. -No, Mom!
-Here we go. -One...
-Mom... -...two...
-Mom! -...three.
-Did you one-two-three her? -It works every time.
I'll start on the lunches if you want.
-Yeah, okay. Okay. -Okay.
What they want, l don't know
They're all revved up and ready to go
They're forming in a straight line
They're going through a tight wind
Ah, thanks for getting it started for me.
-Sure you don't want me to finish up? -No, I got it.
You know, Ollie won't eat it if the jelly bleeds over,
so it's just easier if I do it.
Wait. Come here. Crooked.
-Okay. -Okay.
Oh, that plaster is really cracking. We gotta get that leak fixed.
-Have you... -Yeah, he's coming on Tuesday.
-What about the spider nests? -Called the guy.
-All right, bye. -Bye.
...one and change. We subtract from that line 42.
Well, it looks like we will be able to get you a refund of about $600.
-Shut up. -Shut up!
-Shut up! Shut up! -Yeah, right?
-I'm not gonna shut up. See that?
You're making my lady excited, you!
-I like you!
I'm glad you're happy.
-I know. -We're going kiteboarding in Spain.
-Guys? Guys? How sexy is that?
Guys, you know what would be even sexier than that?
Is starting a Roth IRA.
Oh, my God. When we're there, we could, like, do it on the beach,
like, 20 times.
Yeah, I'm gonna go with that. You know what I mean, Phil?
-You would, too, wouldn't you? -Well, food for thought.
- Twenty times with her? Yeah? - Jinx.
As you can see, the floors are all pickled oak.
This house was originally listed at $1 .8 million,
but now it's $320,000.
You know, I think it might come down more.
-So do I. -Good call.
Better to wait it out.
And you call this Byzantine?
Byzantine, Mediterranean. Whatever you need it to be.
Hello, my peeps.
The Fosters, I love them.
-Dad, come play Legos with me. -Yes, yes, I will.
But I am going to lapse into a mini coma for just a second,
and then we're gonna have the best Lego battle ever.
Fosters! What up?
Hey, Katy. Everything okay next door?
Yeah. Wait, you guys still need me to baby-sit, right?
Isn't it date night?
Yes, date night. Of course.
Hey! Yay! That's right. Date night.
Thank you for coming, Katy, so we can go on date night.
Are you two okay?
Sure. No. Listen, honey, if you're too tired...
No, I'm good. I'm good. I've been looking forward to this all week.
Unless you're too tired.
No! It'll be fun, right? We should go.
We should go. Should we go? Right? We should go. We should go.
How're the potato skins and salmon treating you, Fosters?
-Just great, Mike. Thanks so much. -Very good. Thanks.
Hey, on Sunday, Ollie's friend Haden has a birthday party.
Bowling, bouncy house, face painting?
Clown bus.
What does that even mean?
I don't know, but they said you have to wear stuff
that you won't mind getting wet.
Am I getting the present?
Yeah. But nothing from China, nothing with batteries...
You know what? I'll just get it. It'll be easier.
Okay.
This is more moist this week.
Mine's actually more dry.
Hey.
What's the story?
Oh. Okay.
Third date.
First one was okay. Second one was bad.
She's giving him one more chance to prove that he's not boring.
And he is not succeeding.
"Hi, I'm eating roast beef. It's delicious.
"I have a potato on my fork.
"I like to eat potatoes, they're delicious,
"but I don't actually ever put them in my mouth."
"That's amazing, Jeremy, but I'm gonna go home now
"and fart into a shoe box."
That's not... That doesn't make sense.
Boy. Look at these two lovebirds.
Now... First date.
Nope. He has a ring on. They both do.
Mmm-mmm. No. Married? They're not married.
They're sitting on the same side of the booth. That is not a married move.
That is a... That's an "I'm stupid" move.
-Showing off is what it is. -How do you even talk to someone
sitting on the same side of the booth? You're, like, craning your neck,
"Hey. How are you?" "I'm fine."
Those are definitely wedding rings, though.
Come on. This is a family place.
Any coffee or dessert for you guys tonight?
-Hey. What? -Coffee or dessert?
-What do you say, hon? -I'm actually so tired
that if I rested my head on this table right now...
Yeah. Sleep for a year. No.
-I think just the check, Mike. Thanks. -Thank you.
...where earlier today,
District Attorney Frank Crenshaw gave a press conference.
-Hey. -Hey. Just gonna catch the sports.
I made this city a promise to sweep its streets clean.
And let me tell you something, folks.
This broom and I, we don't break our promises.
Really? The broom promises?
-I'm gonna head up. -Okay. I'll be up in a sec.
We don't break our promises!
-Oh! -"Oh," what?
No, no, no, no. You just put in your mouth guard.
That usually means we're not gonna... You know.
Oh! Oh, no, we could... We could still fool around.
Really? Only if you're into it. I mean...
No, I... No, I would love to. Let me just
get the lights.
Okay, you know what? No. It's...
Honey, I'm totally fine if we don't.
No, I just... I would...
No, I would love to. Let me just get my head around it, 'cause...
Okay. We don't...
Honey, it's fine. Seriously.
No, it's totally cool if we don't.
Are you sure?
Because those potato skins made me kind of gassy.
-Let's use a rain check. -Okay.
-Are you sure? -I will light up your life next time.
-Or we could just keep it uh-town? -What?
-Keep it uptown? Do the fast version? -No, it's okay.
-'Cause I could rally... -Nah, I'm good.
Okay.
"Nasrin's feet and tender breasts ached
"as she tramped through the unforgiving terrain.
"Blood trickled down her leg to the ground,
"leaving one bright red spot of life amidst unending emptiness."
-Thanks for reading aloud, Phil. -It's okay.
This part really spoke to me. I mean, to walk 20 miles for water,
and then to suddenly discover that you're menstruating?
-Oh, my God. I could not stop crying. -Me, too.
I literally could not stop crying.
Me, too, but figuratively.
No. No, literally.
I literally could not stop crying.
Quite sad.
-Quite sad? -Mmm.
What he means is it's really very moving.
Yeah.
You have no idea what it is like
to be a teenage girl having your first period
under Taliban rule.
That is true.
And neither do you.
Mmm, but...
-Hey, Phil, can I get a hand in the garage? -Yes, please. Yes. Thank you.
Okay. Excuse me, ladies.
Oh, my God.
-Do you have your period now? -Yeah.
You should really read this.
It's about a girl getting her period in the desert.
Can't wait. I don't know how you agree to still do those book clubs, buddy.
Well, that's marriage, right?
Sometimes you do stuff you don't wanna do.
-Not me. Not anymore. -What... What do you mean?
Haley and I are splitting.
What?
-But you guys are happy. -No, Phil, we're not.
No, no, no. No, you guys are really happy.
No, Phil, we're really not.
Brad, okay, well, why are we here, then, in your house,
-having book club? -I haven't told the kids.
Can't tell the kids.
Just, please, keep it under your hat until next week
when we go public with it. Don't tell Claire.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, what happened? I mean...
I thought everything was fine. Really.
The next thing I know, Haley starts getting more and more distant,
and eventually she tells me, and I'm quoting here,
"I'm... I'm strangling in the noose of sameness."
So, at first, I was pissed. I really was.
But then I realized, I know what she's talking about, okay.
We're just cemented in these roles together,
and there's no breaking out of it.
It's like that Asian dude
-in Sixteen Candles, Long Dik Dog. -Long Duk Dong.
-Long Duk Dong. That dude. -Gedde Watanabe.
That's... Him. He can't play...
No matter how hard he tries, he can't play a doctor.
Oh, yeah. No. It'd be like,
"Why is Long Duk Dong dressed up like a doctor?"
Right? And that's us!
We're stuck. We're just stuck in these roles,
this routine, and it's...
I mean, we're not even a couple anymore. We're just, like...
We're just excellent roommates.
The most excellent roommates.
-I... I don't think you're Long Duk Dong. -What do you think?
I know that Haley must be hurting right now.
And I'm betting you she's gonna change her mind.
Best fucking decision I ever made.
Seriously, I have never been happier.
I can do whatever I want. I can go dancing.
When was the last time you and Phil actually danced together?
I don't know. Our wedding?
Okay, well, I wanna dance every night.
And I wanna take my top off,
and I wanna get it on with three guys at the same time
'cause I can.
Three guys at once? That's a nightmare.
That is, literally, a recurring stress dream that I have.
I can only think of jobs for two.
-Oh, no. I got it. -Yeah, there's that one.
I just don't understand how this happened.
He just sort of went on auto-pilot.
I don't understand what you want.
I feel like we know each other too well.
I know everything about him. I know that croutons make him gag.
And he knows that if I have five glasses of wine,
I'm gonna try to make out with a black guy.
-You're still doing that, huh? -Yes.
It's the same conversations, the same schedule.
Having sex in the same position twice a week.
You guys were having sex twice a week?
Yeah, it was that rare.
Yes. Rare is why I was surprised.
You are a lot like Nasrin, Claire.
-I'm not like Nasrin. -Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Why are we talking about me? You're the one going crazy.
Because you are like Nasrin. Because you are ashamed
-of how vibrant you are. -Oh, come on...
You deserve to feel sexy, Claire.
And you should be able to dance again.
And you need to walk among the birds.
Yeah, I gotta tell you, I don't really understand that metaphor.
-It's not... -And I feel plenty vibrant.
Okay, maybe not three-guys-at-once vibrant,
but that is gross. That's...
Phil makes me feel vibrant in different ways.
We have a date tomorrow night.
Great. Okay. Well, enjoy the potato skins and the salmon.
Walk among the birds.
Get that bird away from me.
Lighting strike
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love
Why don't you say so?
If you want more love
-Hey, honey. -Hey.
Hey, Katy. -Hi.
-Guys. -Hi.
-What'd you learn in school today? Nothing.
Fantastic! Won't have to pay for college.
-Whose move? Honey, do you wanna change?
No, I think I'm good. I... Wow! I...
-Wow. What... You look nice. -I just threw this on.
-It's stupid. I'm gonna... -No, it isn't. No. You look great.
Fantastic. I... I'm going to change.
I'm going to change, and I'm going to take a shower.
-We don't wanna miss the movie. -How about no movie?
How about I am taking you to dinner in the city?
-We don't have to do that. -Yes, we do. Come on.
I'll be down in 10 minutes.
I'm going to take you to that new seafood place that you read about.
Claw? It's impossible to get in. And the city's so far.
No, it's not that far. Don't you tell all your prospective clients
-the city's only 20 minutes away? -Yeah, I'm lying to them. It's an hour.
No, no, no. If we leave in 1 0 minutes,
we'll be there before 7:00, get a table no problem.
Yes? Yes.
-Say yes. Yes? Yes! -Yes!
Yes! Great. We're gonna do it. We're doing it!
In 1 mile, make a right onto Route 17.
No way, lady.
Honey, please just do what the nice British woman says.
No, no, no. I have got an important dinner to get to.
I'm taking the parkway to 23. Much quicker.
It's because it's a woman's voice.
If that thing had John Madden's voice, you would listen to it.
Mmm-mmm. No. No. Trust me.
Take a left at the next thing.
Come on.
I'm all over this. Captain Phil Foster's shortcut.
I am going to get us there quickly, efficiently and with great panache.
-This road does need resurfacing. -Mmm-hmm.
Well, it wasn't much of a shortcut.
It's gonna be great.
Hi. Excuse me, hi. I'm so sorry to bother you.
This is so embarrassing, but we just moved here from Wichita.
I'm going to veterinary school up at Columbia.
And we parked our car on Harrison Street to take a look around,
and when we came back, it had been towed.
-Gone. -Everything we own is in there.
Everything. -Wallets, ATM cards, all of it.
And the tow company won't release our property
unless we pay them a $1 5 processing fee.
And there it is. Yeah, we maybe from New Jersey,
but we're not rubes.
-Excuse me? -We know you're scamming us.
With the sob story and the really specific amount of money...
-Too many details about your life. -Too many details.
No, we're not falling for it. Find somebody from Connecticut.
But, okay, okay. Just in case,
I'm gonna give you $5 even though I know it's a scam.
And I only have a 20,
so I'm gonna give that to you even though it should be a five. Scam.
They had no idea who they were dealing with.
-Hi, how are you? -Name, please.
We actually don't have a reservation.
Yeah, we've been trying to call, but we couldn't get through.
Yeah, we're scooper-duper busy.
I figured as much. We were hoping to get here earlier,
actually get a table.
-You didn't quite make it, did you? -Nope.
But do you have any tables open?
Yeah... The thing is,
is people make reservations, like, a month in advance.
And so now it's a Friday, at 7:30, on the bustling island of Manhattan, so...
No.
Well, the thing is, my wife and I are on a date,
and we were hoping that tonight would be sort of special.
-How sweet. -Thanks.
And we just thought that eating at Claw
might be an integral part of that experience.
So, just asking you if maybe you have any tables available?
Okay, well, I'm gonna have to ask you to wait at the bar,
and if anything opens up, we'll come get you, okay?
-Thank you. -Mank you!
Okay. We'll be standing over there.
Okay. I've already forgotten about you.
-All right.
This is Claw, you're welcome.
You know what? I have a feeling we're gonna get a table.
I think tonight we're going to get lucky.
Wow. Must be nice.
I didn't... I have no idea what you're talking about.
Thank you. You're very kind.
-You want a drink? -Yes, please.
Something with an edible garnish. I'm so hungry.
Hello? Hi! Two chardonnays, please. Could I have some...
-Sort of distracted. -Maybe we should go someplace else.
-No, no. Just give it some time. -Tripplehorn, party of two?
I just... I want tonight to be different, you know?
I know. And so do I. But it's just not in the cards, right?
-Tripplehorn, party of two? -So let's just head back.
No, no. We're good.
-Look around. This place isn't us. -Tripplehorn, party of two? Tripplehorn?
What do you say? Teaneck Tavern? Cozy booth for two?
-It's fine. Really. -No.
No, it's not.
Tripplehorn, party of two?
Us. Us!
We are the Tripplehorns.
Great. This way.
-What are you doing, Phil? -Trust me. It's fine.
Honey, I don't think we should be doing this.
And here we are.
-May I take your coat? -Yes. Thank you.
-Enjoy your meal. -Thank you.
-Look at this table. -Honey, I...
No, no! Hon, no. Look.
The Tripplehorns are a no-show. Who are we hurting?
I say we sit back, relax,
and enjoy a spread of their finest fruits of the sea.
Or I will just suck on a napkin. Holy mama, look at these prices.
If we're gonna pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance
and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.
Hey. Here's to a great night.
Oh, no, wait, isn't it bad luck to toast with an empty glass?
I don't think that's a thing.
Mmm. I would trade Charlotte for a lifetime supply of risotto.
What does that even mean?
I just thought it'd be cool.
-Not Ollie, but Charlotte, yes. -I understand. No, I understand.
Mmm.
Oh. Hey, what's the story?
Yes. Okay. He is a successful financier,
and she is getting drunk enough to get through what's gonna happen later.
'Cause he likes to do weird stuff. He's gonna call her by his mom's name.
Okay, yeah. Back here. What's the story?
He is a record producer. And she is an act that he wants to sign.
Oh, no, that's Will.i.am.
Better yet. That's Will.i.am,
-and she is a backup singer. -No.
No, but that's actually Will.i.am. That's Will.i.am. From Fergie.
Oh, my God!
If I knew anything about Will.i.am, I'd be really psyched right now.
Oh! You know what? Okay. Give me your phone.
-What? Why? -I'm taking a picture.
-What? -I'm... Give me your phone.
-You're walking over there. -No.
-I'm gonna be that guy. -No.
-Yeah. Go ahead. Go over. -This is dumb.
-And you're gonna make a fool of yourself. -Okay.
Do it. Do it.
This is gonna embarrass you so much.
Did you get it?
-Oh, no! Oh, wow! -Did you get it? What?
-You... -Good.
You are a freak. I can't believe you'd actually do it.
Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Tripplehorn?
-Oh. Yes? -Oh, well.
Hello. Yes, we are the Tripplehorn. Horns.
-Oh, boy. -Who, might I ask, are you,
to be asking us who we are?
We just wanted to have a few words with you, if that's okay.
-And what is this about? -I think you know.
Why don't we save everyone a lot of embarrassment,
have this conversation in private?
Okay. But can I have the rest of my risotto wrapped?
Because these truffles are amazing and super expensive.
Get up. Now.
Honey?
Get up. Now.
Okay. All right.
-Okay. -Okay.
-Yeah, I think you need to move. Now. -Just...
-Okay. -We'll follow you.
-That's an expensive bottle. -Yeah, I know.
-I'll get your glasses. -Hello.
We are leaving by choice. Leaving by choice right now.
Watch your step.
Come on, guys, what's the big deal?
We didn't hurt anyone, right?
If I were you, I wouldn't say another word, you thieving bitch.
-Excuse me, I don't like that. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's just dial it down a little bit, guys...
-Hey! What are you doing? Hey!
-Get away! Get off! What are you doing? -Hey!
-Get... Hey, my wallet! Oh, my God.
-I'm starting to get... Stop it! -Give me my phone! Get away from me!
Okay, I am getting seriously pissed off.
This is going way beyond a negative review in Zagat.
Now I'm gonna have to pick that risotto up off the ground to eat it.
I wanna talk to your boss right now!
I think we both know that's not gonna happen, Mr. Tripplehorn,
or should I say,
Phil Foster.
Next time you make a dinner reservation,
don't use the same alias as your ransom notes, you dick.
Ransom note?
Listen, we are just a regular, boring couple from New Jersey.
-Let's just get this done. -Get what done? What do you want?
You know what we want.
-We don't actually. We really don't. -No, we don't.
You know what we want.
We want the flash drive!
All right, all right, all right! Okay, I'm sorry.
Did you really think you could steal from Joe Miletto and get away with it?
Okay, someone somewhere is making a huge mistake.
-Yeah, guys. Seriously, this is... -This is a mistake.
This is just a big, big, goofy misunderstanding.
-Yeah. -We are Phil and Claire Foster.
We don't know anything about a ransom note.
-We don't have a flash drive, I assure you. -No.
You were sitting at the table.
The girl at the front said you were the Tripplehorns.
-No, no, no, no. -Okay, let me... Okay. Let me explain.
My husband, very sweetly, but delusionally,
thought that we could make it here early enough to get a table.
And we didn't. We were late,
because he won't listen to the lady in the car,
-so they were very rude to us. -They were so rude! That one guy...
And when we heard them calling the reservation for Tripplehorns,
-he was, like, "Us! Us!" -"Us! Us!" That's...
- And so we took it. - Just going for it.
And then we had a great time.
I'm not gonna lie to you. We had a great time.
-So much fun. -The food, unbelievable.
-So good. -So good.
-But then you came over... -We had this rice thing...
Look, shut up! I don't wanna hear that.
So you just took somebody else's reservation?
-For the record, I was against it. -I...
But my husband gets these plans in his head,
-and it becomes, like, a thing. -I'm an idiot sometimes.
Shut up. Shut up.
-I believe you're the Fosters. -Thank you.
I also believe you go by the alias "Tripplehorn"
-and that you stole my boss's property. -No. No.
And now you're just too scared shitless to admit it.
So I will give you three seconds to give us back the flash drive!
What... Okay. The three seconds game?
Sorry, sir. But, you know, I play this every day with my kids.
-She invented that thing. -That's not scary.
I will blow a hole in your face.
-This is a different version. -One...
Okay, big mistake. This is all just a big...
...two...
Hey! God! No! He turned it sideways. Kill shot!
-Kitchen! Kitchen people! -That's a kill shot! God!
-...three! No, no, no, no, no!
All right! All right! All right! I've got it! I've got it! I've got it!
-He's gonna kill us both! What? -I've got the flash drive.
-Thought so. -Where is it?
It's in the park.
-The park? -Could you be more specific?
The Central Park.
Okay, this is what's gonna happen.
We're all gonna take a little field trip to the Central Park,
and you're gonna show us exactly where it is. Okay?
Okay.
-Move! -Okay!
Oh, God. Oh, my God, Phil.
We're going to a second location.
Oh, we're getting in a car. That's always bad.
Yeah, 'cause we left the door unlocked.
They're locked.
You locked that one, too.
Good call. I would've done that.
Why did you bring us to the most deserted place in New York?
I don't know, Claire. The gun was sideways.
We gotta get someplace populated.
Well, maybe there'll be people there. Some closeted gay men, or...
-No, no. No. Night boating. -Night boating?
Night boating. It's very popular here. I read an article about it.
We'll be fine.
We need to go to the boathouse.
Get out.
There's nobody here.
Okay. You know,
the night boating thing might have been in Seattle.
I think I may have led us off track a little bit here.
Open the door.
I think you're gonna have to break in, 'cause I don't have a key on me.
Stay put.
We have to get near people immediately.
You tell them that you have a condition and we need medicine,
and you've left the medicine in the car
and it's medicine that can only be administered by a doctor.
-Good, good, good. Why? -It's for your penis.
It's intravenous penis medicine, and you're very shy, so we have to get
-to the nearest hospital. -What's wrong with my penis?
-Let's go. -Okay.
- Move it, man. - Okay.
Where is it?
Okay, here's the problem. Phil has kind of a serious medical issue...
-Claire, just give him the flash drive. -What? We have to...
Claire, just show them where the flash drive is.
It's not gonna work.
-We need to get to a hospital... -Claire...
Have to give them the flash drive, Claire.
But your penis!
It is a two-step procedure...
-Claire... -...that needs to be done by a nurse...
Just... It's not... -...a registered nurse,
-because there's a two-step process... -My penis is fine.
-My penis is fine! -...with a numbing cream.
-And there can be a lot of blood. -Show him where it is!
-A lot of penis blood! -Show him where it is!
-Hey! Come on...
Be a good girl and listen to your husband.
Yeah, be a good girl. Listen to me.
Okay, I put the flash drive over there,
-in the corner. -Honey... Yep.
Where in the corner? Show us.
Show him.
- Come on. - Okay.
Move. It's not a game.
You're gonna have to pry up one of these floor boards.
It's under there.
This one.
You gotta pry it.
It's in here.
In here? Where? I don't see it.
Wait... Look over there. It's...
I put it in a sandwich bag, so that it wouldn't...
-Ow! Hey!
Let's go! Let's go!
Come on. Come on!
-Honey, here. Get in. -Okay.
Come on!
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
-Crank it! It's cranked!
Come on. Come on. Come on!
Stay down, stay down.
Come on.
Come on! We got this. Come on. -Okay.
Here we go. Here we go.
Pick it up. Run!
We are going to die!
I don't want the kids to live with your mother.
-What? -She's awful!
-Wait, can you see? -No!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Come on.
How the hell did this happen?
These two are not at all what they seem.
You're dead, you hear me? You are dead!
Come on.
They were... Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God. -Are you okay?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, God, Phil! Come on!
Okay.
We gotta do more cardio.
I'm not out of shape, I'm scared!
Oh, my God. Me, too. Me, too.
-You done? -Mmm-hmm.
-Okay.
Okay. Let it out.
Let it all out.
-Oh, my God. Are you bleeding? -It's the cabernet.
Okay. We gotta go.
I'm sorry. Do you have any gum?
Gum?
....precinct, Callahan speaking.
I'm sorry. You're gonna have to forgive me.
I've already been on nine hours.
So, one more time, you were out at dinner where?
At Claw.
Claw. That place in TriBeCa with the $50 soup? How'd that work out for you?
Not great. We couldn't get a table,
so we ended up taking somebody else's reservation.
-You took someone's reservation? -Yeah. Yeah. We took it...
You just took a table?
-Just like that? -We know. Shocking.
I was against it.
Yeah. So, we're in the middle of dinner, and these guys come up.
Turns out these guys work for Joe Miletto.
-Joe Miletto? -That's what they said.
But we didn't know that at the time.
We thought they were just guys from the restaurant.
So we followed them into the alley, and suddenly they just grab all of our stuff.
That's why we don't have our IDs on us.
Then... Yeah, it was scary. What?
Then they start waving the guns around, and they're talking about a flash drive.
-Honey, why are you grabbing my knee? -Because I just remembered
that we are supposed to meet our friends, who are a gay couple.
The ones we met while night boating?
Oh, my God!
The bald and the crazy gay couple date...
Shit my pants, we forgot our gay couple dinner.
-Oh, God! -Can I say something here?
Mmm-hmm.
-Hello! Up here. Yeah.
-You two seem like a really nice couple. -Thank you.
Joe Miletto is not a nice man.
Okay, take it from me. He is genuinely a really mean, scary guy.
Okay? So if you're somehow blinking on his radar,
we need to talk about how we can help you.
No, no, no. You don't understand.
We took somebody's reservations.
It was a terrible, terrible thing to do.
So we need to leave and ponder what we've done.
-Honey, let's go. -Stop!
Sit down!
Okay, you two can't be this weird. What is going on?
-Arroyo? -Yeah.
-Give me a second? -Okay.
Look, I'll be right back. You two stay put, okay?
Get your story together.
Go, go, go, go!
Oh, my God! Now the bad guys are dressed up like cops.
That's because the bad guys are cops.
Why are there cops involved? What is going on, Phil?
-What are we going to do? -Honey, honey,
-it's okay. Just breathe. -They are gonna kill us
-and put our bodies in trash bags. -No. It's gonna be all right. Just breathe.
They're gonna find us where Giuliani put the homeless people.
-Just breathe. Are you breathing? -Only in.
Honey, focus. Focus. Focus.
Are you focusing?
Okay. Okay.
-Your eyes look crazy. -I know, because I'm losing it.
What are we gonna do? I'm losing it! What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
We gotta get out of here. We gotta go home.
-We can't go home. -What are you talking about, Phil?
I am going home. I'm going home!
Claire, they have our IDs. They know where we live.
-Oh, my God. The kids. -Oh, my God.
-Hello? -Hai-ya! Hai-ya!
Hello?
Do you accept a collect phone call from...
Oh, my God! This phone smells like urine!
Yes, I... I accept.
-Katy? -Fosters, what up?
Katy, are the kids okay?
-Is everything okay? Yeah.
Okay, listen to me. I'm gonna need you to stay a little late tonight.
-That is gonna be a problem for me. -What?
I actually have a party to get to.
No. Why would you be going to a party? You're babysitting.
Yeah, I mean, you guys are the Fosters. You're always home by 9:30.
Yeah, well, tonight, it just so happens
that we're gonna be staying out a little bit later.
Nice. But I already promised my friends.
-Could you talk to her? -Okay. Okay.
-Katy? Hi, it's Phil. -Hi.
Where's that frigging guy when you need him?
Katy, I don't have time to talk right now. I'll pay you double to stay.
That's really nice of you, but I don't think that's gonna close it.
Are you kidding me?
-What? What is she saying? -She's saying...
What is that little bitch saying? Her jeans are too tight!
You see, the thing is, my dad's been saying I should jack your rate for a while now.
So, I could miss the party,
but, I think, rate-wise, we're talking somewhere north of 30.
I see them.
-Pay it! -Okay, fine. Fine. Katy, that's fine.
Just get the kids out of the house right now.
Don't go out the front door. Go out the back door.
Take them over to your house.
Okay, now I'm sensing some kind of element of danger here.
No. No.
'Cause that's gonna run you an extra five per.
Fine! Fine! Just get the kids out right now!
Tell them we love them and everything is gonna be okay!
Everything's okay! Tell them we love them.
-Bye. -Okay.
Sucker. Kids!
-Now what? -They're safe. They're safe.
We need to find someplace with a lot of people. A lot of people.
Hi, hi. Excuse me.
Don't worry, we're not going to hurt you.
Our names are Claire and Phil Foster.
We are from New Jersey, and through a series of strange events,
we have been confused with someone else.
And now, some unruly criminals, who are also policemen...
-Right. -...are hunting us as prey.
Again, we're not the bad guys, they are. We're not going to hurt you.
Honey, stop saying that, 'cause it makes it sound
-like we are gonna hurt them. -No, no. They get it.
We need a place to hole up and hide, and we don't have any money
because these criminals, these dirty cops...
Hey, hey. Do I look like I was born yesterday?
Okay, this is the oldest scam in the book.
Beat it, junkies.
They make me sick. -So dirty.
Let's go.
We are on our own.
This whole night was a mistake.
We never should've come in to this city. This was a crazy idea.
It wasn't a crazy idea. It was just dinner in Manhattan.
One night, one date where we're just not talking about the kids the entire time
-or what we have to do next week. -And look where it got us.
We should call 91 1 .
Honey, this is Joe Miletto we're talking about.
-So? -So? Those cops that tried to kill us?
They're in his pocket.
This guy owns cops! We can't trust any cops.
What are we gonna do? We can't go home, we can't go to the police...
Okay, okay, okay. Miletto, he wants the Tripplehorns, why?
Because they have the flash drive.
All right, what if they gave him the flash drive back?
Why would they do that?
Because we're gonna find them, and we're gonna make them do it.
Once Miletto has the flash drive, this thing ends.
Okay. I like that. I am completely with you.
I just have to ask you one question, and do not judge me.
What is a flash drive?
-Seriously? -Phil, I can't...
Okay, it's a little storage disk that you stick in the side of a laptop.
Oh, it's a computer sticky thing? That's...
In my office we call it a computer sticky thing.
Okay. Okay. We need to get the computer sticky thing to save our lives.
How? We don't know anything about the Tripplehorns.
That's not entirely true.
We know where they were going to have dinner tonight.
-Okay. -Come on. Come on.
Hi, we were... Hello? Up here.
We were in here earlier, having dinner with our friend Sam-I-Am.
-You mean Will.i.am? -Okay.
Is that what you call him? That's weird. I don't like that.
-Yeah, it is weird. -No, listen, anyway,
we were here, and Will.i.am thinks he left his phone at the table,
so we need to check at the table.
I'd like to check the table for the phone, if you don't mind.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Look at me. Can you... Oh, God.
-We need to check the table for the phone. -What's your problem?
-Hello? Hello? Anything? -Oh, my God.
-Here we go. -How are you not getting this?
-He needs to check the table for the phone. -Fine. This way.
-Wow. I just wasted half my life.
Tripplehorn. Tripplehorn. Tripplehorn. Tripplehorn. Okay.
...and he left it there. He said he left it on the table.
Well, that was just a big, fat waste of time.
The King of Siam is going to be livid.
Thank you for all of your help, and I am being sarcastic.
Motherfucker.
-Claw, you're welcome.
Okay, we got a phone number.
How do we use it to find their address?
I think I know someone who can help.
Wait, how do you know this guy, again?
I showed him a bunch of houses upstate. I mean, it was a few years ago,
but I remember he was some kind of security expert.
Anyway, he ended up buying a place down here
from an agent in this office.
I forgot the address, but maybe we can find it in the files.
-Do you have a key? -No, I don't. Can I have your coat?
-Yeah. You cold? -Yeah.
Listen, I think I can pick the lock.
If I just had a bobby pin or a...
Be able to get this lock open if I...
-Oh, my God! Who are you? -Here. Come on. Come on.
No, no, no! Hon! Hon! Come on. We gotta get out. We gotta get out.
-No, no! It'll only take a minute. -Oh, God!
His name is Holbrooke Grant. You check the file cabinets.
-I'll find the computer. -Okay.
Come on!
No, no. Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Rainbow wheel?
I feel like I am exerting way more energy than you are.
Come on, rainbow wheel!
Oh, God, that is an obnoxious sound!
Come on, come on, come on.
Come... God!
-I got it! -Okay, go. Let's go!
-Come on. Here we go. Let's go! -Okay.
Ah.
Detectives.
Care to join me?
Why are you messing with a nice couple from the burbs, Joe?
Isn't that a little beneath your pay grade?
This conversation would be even better if I knew what you were talking about.
Phil and Claire Foster.
A couple of your goons picked them up earlier tonight at Claw.
They put a good scare in them, too. Joe, you know what I'm talking about.
It's not ringing any bells.
So, unless you wanna be my date tonight, which I personally would love,
don't come back until you have a warrant.
Nice suit, Skippy.
Enjoy your noodles.
I don't look like a Skippy, do I? I got a gun, for Christ's sake.
Hey, Slick, do we have a problem?
This is it.
This is the place.
Okay. Let's...
Hello? -Hi, Holbrooke,
you might not remember me. My name is Claire Foster.
I'm a real estate agent. I showed you some places upstate.
Claire? Yeah, yeah, I remember. It's pretty late.
No, I know, and I'm so sorry. It's just, this is an emergency, and...
Could I just come up for a second? It's very important.
-All right. Come on up.
I can't believe, out of hundreds of clients, you remember this one guy.
Well, I've always been good with names and faces.
It's amazing you have recall like that, honey.
All the people you see, to be able to remember one...
-Claire Foster. -Holbrooke Grant.
Wow. I mean, it's crazy seeing you again all of a sudden.
I'm, like, flashing back to all those empty houses we saw.
We did look at a lot.
-Claire Foster. -That's me.
And this is my husband, Phil Foster.
-Hey, what's up, man? -Hey, hey, hey, man.
Listen, we're in some trouble, and we really need help.
And I know it's late, but if we could just come in for one second,
it's really an amazing story.
And you might be just the kind of man who could help us.
So, please. I'll owe you a huge favor.
Yeah, sure. Why not? Come on in.
Have a seat.
Man, you guys are lucky to be alive.
You're right, Claire. I would stay away from the cops.
Which is why we were hoping that you would help us.
Well, it's the least I can do. I mean, you were so patient with me.
All those long drives up and down the turnpike.
Anyway, you were awesome. Claire, don't leave me hanging.
That's what I'm talking about.
I mean, I really did appreciate all the time you gave me.
Yeah, sounds like you guys had a lot of time together, alone,
together, without me even knowing about it.
Tons. I mean, she went way above and beyond the call.
It was my pleasure.
And this is definitely the right place for you.
I bet the ladies love it, too, right?
I... I do all right.
I bet you do all kinds of right.
Tell you what we should do. We don't have a lot of time,
so why don't you shirt it up, and then we will get what we need,
and then we'll be out of your hair.
Basically, we have a phone number that we need to get an address from,
and I remember that you used to run your own detective agency or something?
Yeah, well, sort of. I mean, I do private security,
industrial intel, dealing with rogue governments,
black ops, that sort of thing. It's a grind.
Uh...
There is your shirt.
No wonder you couldn't find it. It's on her.
Phil, Claire, this is Natanya. She's Israeli.
-She doesn't speak much English. -Hello.
You two make sex with us?
No, thank you.
No. No.
Go back to bed, hotness. I'll be there soon.
Okay.
I'm glad that we are not going to have sex with them.
They look old and weak.
Bye. -See you.
I met her in Tel Aviv doing some consulting for the Mossad.
-She is a sweet girl. -She seems really sweet.
That was very nice of her to ask us to have sex.
So! You wanna give me that number?
Looks like we haven't seen the last of Mr. and Mrs. Foster.
Somebody tripped an alarm at a realty office.
Security cam got these.
The computer file they're looking at
shows an address of one Holbrooke Grant. West Village.
What in the world are they doing?
What have we got?
Minor B and E.
When was the last time one of those interested you hot shots?
Wow. Just trying to be friendly, Arroyo.
Well, thank you, Officer Friendly.
Quitting time?
Yes, sir. See you guys tomorrow.
Good night.
We're out of here. -All right, man.
We checking this out?
Yeah, definitely. Let's start at the realty office,
see what else they might have been looking at,
-go from there. -Okay.
We got them.
Wow! Where'd you get all this stuff?
-RadioShack. -Seriously?
No, Phil, not seriously. What's wrong with him?
Oh, okay.
Let me see that number.
Soft hands.
Type in the number here, and vo ilà.
It's a cell phone registered to Thomas Felton.
Tripplehorn is probably an alias.
Or, maybe he's a big Jeanne Tripplehorn fan.
Shush. Mmm. Mmm-mmm. Mmm.
There's no address.
Well, it's a cell phone, Claire. We don't need a listed address.
Use the number to locate the signal.
That is too cool. You are good with your instruments.
There we go. Mr. Felton's phone is currently residing at 1 35 Avenue D.
Great. Who likes shirts?
Thanks again, really. -Hey, no. It's the least I can do.
You expecting someone?
I bought a new car a couple of months ago. Maybe the Audi dealer needs a favor now.
Mr. Grant, this is the NYPD.
We need to ask you a few questions, please.
Oh, my God! That's them! Those are the cops that tried to kill us!
Hey. Hey, yo, yo. I'll be down in a minute.
I'm having sex. I'm getting busy.
Is that supposed to be me? Or is that, like, Fat Albert or somebody?
-I mean, what was that? -I don't know what that was.
-Is there another way out of here? -Please.
Down through my garage, okay? There's a service elevator by the office.
-I'll keep them busy. Just go. Open the door, Mr. Grant.
Hello?
Can we get out this way? -Yeah, I think so. Whoa, whoa!
Okay, they're still there. We're not gonna be able to get past them.
Think. Think. Think.
-What're you doing? No, wait. -There we go.
You can't do that, Phil. This is Holbrooke's car.
We have to get out of here fast. You have a better idea?
Not really built for city driving.
More of a sportster.
There we go. Okay.
Well, thank God for Holbrooke, right?
Yeah. Thank God.
No, actually, screw Holbrooke.
-Excuse me? -Screw Holbrooke! What was that?
Who were you, upstairs? Who was that person?
Giggly, flirty, charming person. Who was that?
-What are you talking about? -What am I talking about?
When you took one look at him, you lit up like a sparkly sparkle.
-No, okay, that is not true. -It is true.
And I get it, because I lit up, too. He is super hot! And why...
Why do you need muscles on your shoulders like that?
And I am just the husband.
-I am just the dork... -Oh, boy.
...who doesn't know how to load the dishwasher.
-Yeah, let's have a pity party for you. -I am the guy
who needs to work out more.
-Who lights up for the husband? -Oh, my God. You're right.
-I keep forgetting to light up for you. -Well, that's...
Why do I keep forgetting to do that? Oh, wait! I remember!
It's because every day, I get up, make breakfast, go to work,
come home, clean the house, pick up the kids,
take them to soccer, bring them back from soccer,
cook dinner, clean up that dinner,
give them a bath and get them into their pajamas,
which is a fight every night.
It's a big surprise to everybody every night that they have to wear pajamas.
And then, after I have washed everybody else's food and boogers off of me,
I use whatever energy I have left to physically put myself into our bed
instead of lighting up for you, so...
Yeah, let's pull over. This is a great time to...
Yeah, you know what? We have to... Yes.
We have to pull over. I know you work hard, honey.
But you know what would make all the hard work 1 0 times easier?
Me.
If you would just trust me enough to handle things once in a while,
but, no, you don't. You have to do it all yourself, your way.
You got me screwing up before I even get a chance to come through for you.
And, yeah, you know what? Maybe, occasionally,
I might buy the toy made of Chinese lead,
or I might make a sandwich for Ollie
that, God forbid, breaches the jelly perimeter,
but if you just let me do something for you,
I think that I would surprise you. I really do.
I know I'd surprise you.
You think I don't hear myself? You think I like sounding like a total bitch?
-Brad and Haley are splitting up. -I know.
Do you ever think about leaving me?
No.
Really? You never fantasize about leaving me for another man?
No, never. No.
Never. No, God, if anything, I fantasize sometimes about being alone.
-What does that mean? -I don't know.
Just, there are times when I've just thought about,
on my worst day, just, you know,
leaving our house and just going someplace.
Like checking into a hotel and just being in a quiet room by myself.
Just sitting in a quiet air-conditioned room,
sitting down, eating my lunch with no one touching me,
drinking a Diet Sprite, by myself.
That sounds awful.
Look, I just wanna have one day
that doesn't depend on how everybody else's day goes.
It's not like I have some gross sex fantasy or something.
That I would understand. That makes sense to me.
I mean, everybody has gross sex fantasies.
I mean, obviously yours is with Holbrooke.
-With his 1 8-story shoulder muscles. -He doesn't...
Mine is with
Cyndi Lauper.
And Holbrooke.
-Wait, are you serious about Cyndi Lauper? -Yeah, she's hot.
-Really? Like, present-day or... -Present day.
Well, it's an interesting choice.
Brad said to me that he and Haley were fine,
and that they were just really excellent roommates.
That's not what we are, is it?
No.
Right?
No.
We should get going.
1 35 Avenue D. This is it. -All right. I'll park here.
What are we gonna say to them?
We say,
"Hello, people are trying to kill us because they think we're you. Fix it."
-Come on. -Oh, rat.
They're not home. They're not home.
We'll wait.
For how long, Phil? The cops that were at Holbrooke's
could be headed over here right now.
Okay. Fourth floor. Fourth floor.
-What are you doing? -If we can't find the Tripplehorns,
maybe we can find their flash drive. Come here.
What?
-We can do this. -The one night I dress up. Okay.
Here we go. Okay, ready? One, two, three, go!
There you go. There you go. Reach for it.
It's all you. It's all you.
-Okay. -Okay, I got you. I got you.
God, what was on your shoe?
I think it's your dried barf, lover.
Everything you're doing, I'm doing in heels.
I just want you to think about that.
You realize, of course,
that this is our second breaking and entering of the evening.
We go through that window, we're officially repeat offenders.
Better than roommates.
Yeah.
They stabbed a chicken nugget with a sharpie.
These are bad people.
Okay, you look over there. I'll look here.
-Damn it, Phil! -Shh. What?
-Why don't you ever close any drawers? -I'm sorry.
You never, ever, ever close any drawer you ever open. Ever!
-Okay. -Ever!
Oh, God! God! God!
Don't move.
Who's there? -Okay, move now. Move now.
Oh, hi. This is not what it looks like.
Yeah? Look at this, bitch! Boom!
-Ah! My neck! He punched my neck! -Oh, my God!
-Wait! Stop! I can explain. -Oh, yeah?
-Then start talking, whore! -What the hell are you doing here?
Okay, okay, okay!
Whoa! Whoa!
Sit down. Move. You, too. Move.
Careful.
All right.
All right. So you must be Thomas Felton.
People call me Taste.
I bet people also call you Tripplehorn.
I'm a big Jeanne Tripplehorn fan.
Yes, she is a fine actress.
-Who's this? -I'm Whippit.
Whippet, like the dog?
No. Like when you suck nitrous out of a whipped cream can.
Okay. Okay.
Stupid skank.
Oh, my God. Do you have any contact with your mother at all?
That's a nice piece. What are we gonna do, have a duel at 1 0 paces?
Hey, zip your face.
Zip my face? Are you serious?
-Yeah, he said, "Zip your face." -That's your best line?
-That's your best tough-guy line? -You heard me. Zip your face.
Why don't you zip your vagina, Raymond Burr?
I have no idea how to respond to that.
-F you! -F me? F you!
-F you! -F you, man! What are you doing here?
F you, mother-F-er.
Okay. Okay! What do you want?
You have no idea what you have done to us.
What?
When you missed your reservation at Claw, you ruined our lives.
-What are you talking about? -We didn't miss anything, you dumbass.
We saw the two goons casing the place out, so we took off.
Hey, and what is it to you?
What are you, the reservation police or something?
-Yeah. What's it to you? -Yeah.
As it so happens, we didn't have a reservation, so we took yours.
And now they think that we're you.
You... You just took our reservation? Who does that?
Yeah. What kind of people are you?
-Who cares? It's not a big deal! -Oh, my God! Come on!
Who does that? -Wait, how did you find us, anyway?
I stole your number from the reservation list.
-That's smart. -Thank you.
You used our real number to make that reservation?
No. I didn't use the home number. I used the cell phone.
Oh.
Wow, that's brilliant.
Wow, Taste, you're just a goddamn criminal mastermind, aren't you?
This is about how I'm an asshole all the time, huh?
How you have no trust that I can pull things through.
-Yeah! -How I can't do anything right?
-I buy the wrong soda? -Yeah.
-The wrong beer! -I hear you, man.
-The wrong nipple clamps. -Well...
Those clamps hurt me.
You know, and then you come home, and you don't even look at me.
I have to, like, beg you to have sex with me, like it's a gift!
And forget about the anal!
-Forget about the anal! -It's forgotten.
I am sorry if I am a little tired after working all night
to just come home and jump on you and give you a free lap dance.
I am sorry! I was perfectly happy stripping and tricking at The Hippo.
It made me feel good about myself!
I got a ribbon!
But, no, you had to go and get all greedy and start stealing
-everything from everyone! -Okay, okay, that's enough!
Excuse me for dreaming!
Like I want to spend the rest of my life selling stolen wheelchairs!
I feel like you're losing control of the room, Phil.
What about my dreams? -Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey.
-But what about me? -Stop arguing. Stop arguing.
Stop it. Shut it. Shut... Everybody, shut the holes.
-Just shut the hole. -Quiet. Just be quiet.
Listen, listen. These goons are after us
because they think that we have a flash drive that you stole from them.
So you're gonna go to them and you're gonna tell them
that you are the Tripplehorns.
-Wait a second, bitch. -Don't call me a bitch, whore!
Are you telling me that these goons are tracking you right now?
Have you not heard a word I said, whore?
Look, that is why we are here. You need to help us out of this.
No, we need to get out right now.
Whippit, baby, two-minute drill. Ready?
-Go, go, go, go, go! Wait!
- Hey! Hey! - Let's go, let's go, let's go!
-Stop. You can't leave. -Forget the latex.
-Only the essentials. Stop what you're doing.
-Stop packing. Nobody is going anywhere. -Phil! Do something with the gun.
I have a gun! And that means... -Two suitcases?
Come on. Always with the over-packing. What's the deal?
Nothing you can't walk away from in 30 seconds.
Bobby De Niro. Heat. Classic!
Okay. Okay. No way. No, no, no, no. No!
All right. No, no, no. Nobody's going anywhere.
Hold on. Stop. Stop! Nobody's going anywhere!
Pay attention! Pay attention to me!
-Wait! Wait, no! Stop packing!
Okay, here's what we're gonna do. You are gonna go get the flash drive,
-and you are going to bring it... -Tell you what,
give it to him yourself.
-Baby? We out! Yeah.
-Is that the thing? -Okay. I'm ready. Here.
-Okay. Okay. Come on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, baby. I don't know,
maybe leaving isn't such a good idea. This is our home.
No. Hey, no, it's not.
This is your home. This is your home.
Okay.
Come on home.
I love you.
Okay.
I love you. -I love you, too.
Hey, hey, hey. How are we supposed to get this to Miletto?
Miletto?
Joe Miletto. The guy that you're blackmailing.
You two are far from home, aren't you?
-What's that supposed to mean? -Y'all have a good night.
That did not go down at all as I had expected.
Let's go.
-Did you see how he was tonguing her? Yeah, I did.
Detectives, welcome.
-Are you Holbrooke Grant? -Yeah.
You wanna put some clothes on so we can talk?
No, I'm good.
It's late, and I've pretty much said everything I have to say to the other cops.
Wait, what other cops?
What do you think Taste meant when he said we're a long way from home?
Honey, his name is Taste. I wouldn't read too much into it.
Let's dance.
Gun!
This gun sucks!
Oh, my God! Go!
I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Be careful!
Stop yelling at me! I know what I'm doing, all right?
Come on! One way! One freaking way!
-One freaking way! I'm sorry!
-It's always been one way! -I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
-Just hold on! -What are you doing?
-Ever heard of a one-way? -Okay. Okay, hold on.
What are you doing? -Hold on!
What the hell...
-What? What are you doing? -Go! Okay, go!
No! Stop! Whoa, don't!
Whoa! What are you doing?
Okay, we need to get you off of us.
We've got to go, Phil. We've gotta go right now!
Okay. It's not working.
Put yourjunk in reverse, asshole!
-You put yourjunk in reverse! -You put yourjunk in reverse!
In reverse!
God!
No...
Oh, snap! Somebody's pissed!
-Phil! Phil! -Oh, God.
Well, looks like you're coming with us.
-Okay! -Why am I going backwards?
-Hey, take your foot off the brake! -No, no, no!
Car! Car!
Come on, man. Come on. Come on, baby!
-Hey, don't put your foot on the brake! -I'm not gonna... Look out!
-Take the wheel. -What?
Just take it! This guy won't lay off the brakes.
No, no, no, no.
You are tripping! Who do you think you are, huh?
Honey, move your ass!
Got them!
Don't hit that!
-Move over. -Man!
We in it now. We in it now.
Oh, God! Why do these guys wanna kill us so badly?
Hey. Hey! Do you have a computer or a BlackBerry?
-Something I could read a document on? -I got a Kindle.
-Give it to me. Give it. Give it. -It was a gift. Don't break it.
-Seriously? -It made me cry.
Okay...
Oh, my God, that's Crenshaw. That's the DA.
-Claire, we have to get off the street! -Why?
At the light you're gonna take a hard right. I have a plan.
-Wait... -Now!
Th is is the NYPD.
The roadway has been sealed. Stop your vehicles immediately.
-Great, Phil! -I had to try something.
-I thought I had a plan. -I love you, Phil,
but your plans are the worst!
Look here, you two need to get your married people stuff together
when my life is not at stake, okay?
Husband, when I hit the horn, you brake.
Wife, you throw yourjunk into "Drive" and you floor it. Let's do this.
We got them. We got them. We got them.
All right, white people. One, two, three!
Stop your veh icle! -Now!
Whoo!
Well done, y'all! That's how I do it, baby!
Dude, right here! Now pull over, and get your Dr. Phil...
-No brakes. -No brakes?
-Damn it. Brakes are gone. -That is some bullshit!
-I'm out. Be cool. Peace! -All right. See you later.
Blow me!
Phil!
-I'm okay. -Oh, God.
Come! Come on!
Oh, my God.
-I'm okay. -Good, honey. Good.
Come on. You're okay.
-Are you okay? -I'm cold.
Wow. Wow. I'm really, really cold.
Oh, no.
The flash drive is gone.
Tripplehorns are gone.
We've got nothing.
Come on.
Let's go see if Holbrooke has a blanket or something in the car.
Okay. All right.
I am dying to hear what the hell happened.
We're out, we're having some beers, okay?
And then the two perps you let go walked into the bar.
-What, the Fosters? -The Fosters?
-You have a good memory. -So anyway, they come in,
we approach them trying to help you out,
the next thing I know they're shooting at us.
Mr. Foster, the tax laWyer from New Jersey, is now armed?
-It's weird. -That's odd.
Is it weird and odd? It's extremely dangerous, is what it is.
So we took chase, gave pursuit.
To help me out.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
You know what? Great work, fellas. Why don't you both head home?
If you want, we can stay on and help you find them.
That's really nice of you, but I got this.
It's no big deal, Arroyo. We're already here. We'll help you guys out. We should stay.
Good night.
-We got you, though. -Say your prayers.
-All right. Take care.
See you.
So what was on that computer sticky thing, anyway?
-Just some ledgers and pictures. -Pictures of what?
Of services rendered at one of Joe Miletto's clubs.
A place called The Peppermint Hippo.
Ew, Peppermint Hippo. That's...
Neither of those two words is dirty,
but somehow together, that is the filthiest thing I've ever heard.
Thing is, this ledger
had only pictures and information about one client,
District Attorney Crenshaw.
-The guy with the broom? -Mmm-hmm.
The Tripplehorns may have stolen the flash drive from Miletto,
but they were blackmailing the DA.
That's ambitious for those two dirtbags.
Doesn't even matter now, though,
because the computer sticky thing is at the bottom of the East River,
which is where we'll be if those cops catch up with us.
Okay, you know I'm not so good with complicated plots,
-so walk me through this again. -Hon...
Honey, if I'm gonna get whacked off,
I at least deserve to understand why it's happening.
-What're you smiling about? -No. You're very sweet.
We're not going... Hon, we're not going to get whacked off.
I think we are.
No, we might get bumped off. We might get whacked.
Okay. Let me... Okay, let me break it down for you, all righty?
That guy over there. Let's just say that guy is Crenshaw.
He's a DA. He's a good guy.
He should be busting people like Joe Miletto.
He's a gangster. He's a bad guy. He's very bad.
But Crenshaw can't bust Miletto,
because Crenshaw goes to Miletto's clubs to get hookers.
Oh, boy, I hope she's really a hooker. That would be amazing.
Now, Miletto makes a flash drive implicating Crenshaw.
Which Taste and Whippit steal
from The Peppermint Hippo, where she works.
Right, they steal it so they can blackmail the DA.
So, those two cops don't work for Miletto. They work for Crenshaw.
Right.
And that's why Taste was acting so weird when you mentioned Miletto's name.
-Right. -Oh, my God, Phil, I totally got this.
-It has something to do with Crenshaw? -It has...
Yes, honey, it has everything to do with Crenshaw.
That's the key.
We have to find a way to get to Crenshaw.
Well, the Tripplehorns got to him at The Peppermint Hippo.
And we're the Tripplehorns.
Hells yes, we are.
We're gonna need some help.
Oh, "whacked off"! Oh! Oh, God.
-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.
Hi.
Is that my tracksuit?
Yes, it was in the trunk of your Audi,
which is now parked over by the East River,
and is probably in need of significant repair,
for which I'm sure I'll be able to pay you back
over the next several decades. Also, on my tab,
I would like to add that super old gun that I stole from your hallway,
which, incidentally, was not very useful.
It just went...
But that's not the reason we're here.
As impossible as this may be to believe, Holbrooke,
our night has actually gotten weirder since we saw you last.
There were cars, then we... They got hooked, and...
One of them was your car. Anyway...
I've had an interesting night myself.
And I'm really tired, so as nice as it was to see you again, Claire,
how about you two go knock on somebody else's door, okay?
-No... -No, no, no. No. Here's the thing.
I just wanted to take my wife to dinner tonight.
I was just hoping that we would have one night
where we could, you know, feel like new.
And now, all I want to do is get us home.
And I've got a plan. I've got a way to do that.
I'm not very good with plans generally, but I've got one.
And I need help.
And even though your pecs make me wanna kill myself,
and your girlfriend is so hot it's like looking through a shimmering jet engine,
I know, and I believe, that there is a real person
that understands exactly what I'm going through right now.
So, please, Holbrooke, will you let us come in?
Will you let us explain to you what we want?
And will you, for the love of God,
put on a fucking shirt?
-Come on in. -Thank you.
Here it is. Remember the plan? -Barely.
Let us in. This is a new girl. She's working tonight.
-I don't know what you're talking about. -I'm the new girl.
-Really? -Yeah.
-And who are you? -I am her pimp daddy.
You're her pimp?
That right.
-Really? -Yeah, dummy, he's my pimp.
So can I go inside and start my shift,
or do I have to call Joey Miletto and tell him that his bellboy made me late?
I don't really have gum.
-The locker rooms are on the left. -Come on, pimp.
-Wait right here. -Where are you going?
Hey, do you have anything in a size eight?
What? Gross. No.
Oh, no. That's for a monkey.
Okay.
Hey, I'm a man on the bottom. You into that?
I'm sorry. I... Oh, my God!
I know. I know. Shut up. It's...
You look awesome!
Why is it so bright out here? It's supposed to be dark and seedy.
Give a 40-year-old stripper/mom a break.
Look at your boobs!
I had to put it on backwards and spin it.
I think I lost a nipple.
No, you look great!
-For reals? -Yeah, for reals.
It's the only one long enough to cover my C-section scar.
-I cannot stop looking at your boobs. -Come on.
-Okay, let's go. -Okay.
I want you to buy that.
This is End ofDays kind of stuff.
Oh, my.
-Honey, I don't think I can do this. -Yes, you can. Yes, you can.
Honey, listen to me. You are a beautiful, strong woman.
You are the mother of my children.
Now, I want you to go in there
and pop that coochie.
-Pop the coochie. -Just pop it out.
-So we can go home. -Let's go pop it.
-Come on. -For the kids.
Uh-uh.
I'm here for Crenshaw.
Look up, please.
Okay, head on in.
-I'll be waiting right here. -Okay.
No. The both of you.
He likes you, too.
Well, well, well. Somebody caught the pervert's eye.
-No, no, no, no. I can't do this. -Yeah, you can,
because you are a beautiful and amazing man,
and the father of my children,
and you are gonna get in there and work that pole like a runaway.
I don't... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
There he is, over there in the sunglasses.
He has his broom with him.
Oh, that's gross. Why does he need that?
Probably a lot of messes he makes in here.
Needs a mop to clean up all the splooge in this place.
-Phil! Ew! -I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.
-Can I help you? -Yeah, we're here to see Crenshaw.
No one gets close to Crenshaw unless he picks you.
-Picks us, yes. Picks us for what? Carlton, move aside.
Move aside.
I like your look, honey. Very Wild West saloon chick.
Minus the syphilis.
You got a mouth on you. I like that. I like that.
And you brought your androgynous friend.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Is it a man or a woman?
I don't know! I don't know!
It's very sexy.
I am going to keep you guessing.
Whoo!
Why don't you two show me what you got?
I think he wants us to have sex in front of him.
-Mmm-mmm. -If we have to do it,
-we'll do the fast version. -Oh, God.
Come on, if you're gonna spend time with me, you have to earn it.
So get on up there.
Ladies, please, please. Move to the side. Thank you.
You know what? We're not actually some...
Hey... Okay.
We're not into dancing so much. We would ratherjust talk to you
-while remaining relatively still. -Yeah. Just wanna, like, talk to you.
I don't come here to talk. You either leave or you start dancing.
Now, one or the other. What's it gonna be?
Oh, my God.
Baby, baby!
Right where I want to be
Baby, baby!
Don't let love play the fool with me
Oh, yeah
I want it and I need it
What?
Oh, yeah
I feel it when you try and keel in
I'm not feeling whatever they're doing.
Carlton, please, escort these two out, please.
-No, no, no. No! No, no, no. Okay... -Come on.
All right. We were just getting warmed up.
Yeah. -Just getting yourjuices flowing.
Now we're really gonna make it happen.
-Oh, yeah! -Here we go.
-Now it is on! -It is totally on!
-Whoo! -It is getting dank and musky.
Love gun!
Oh, you shot me, baby!
Love gun!
Oh, you got me, baby!
Oh, my God. Where is he taking her?
Baby, are you ready for the showdown?
Round and round we go, where she stops, nobody knows.
Are you ready for the go-down?
So ain't no use anymore
Ain't no use in hiding
Yeah, okay.
I want you dead or alive
If you promise to surrender
Try that and I'll let you survive
Huh. Huh.
Yeah, yeah, there we go.
Love gun
Phil, don't you barf on me. Don't barf.
What are they doing now?
Sex robots!
Come back forever, and bang!
Love gun!
I wanna do that.
Love gun!
You two, come over here.
We have something that you want.
Oh, I know you do. How much for a night?
$1 00,000.
Huh? That's a little steep, isn't it?
I don't know any woman that's worth that kind of money.
How about one with a flash drive?
How're you doing? We're the Tripplehorns.
Oh, you guys keep showing up!
Why don't we take a walk and talk about things privately?
This could have been so good.
This is part of the plan, right?
I got to go back in the subway for a refresher.
Move.
Okay.
Let's make this simple, okay? You give me the flash drive,
or Collins is going to break both your wife's arms.
I put the flash drive someplace no one is ever going to find it.
But if our associate, Mr. Holbrooke Grant,
doesn't hear from us every hour on the hour until we're safe,
then he will release the contents of that drive.
He's the ex-military guy we questioned tonight.
Holbrooke's for real.
What the hell is going on up here?
Excuse me, sir, we're trying to do a rooftop thing.
-Could you just give us a minute? -Frank?
No! I can't give you a minute. This is my rooftop, toots!
Okay.
It's okay, Claire. We were expecting him.
-What? Oh, my God! I am so lost. -They were just about to leave, Joe.
You know, they got a guy on the outside that has the flash drive.
Yeah, the flash drive. There's no play here.
You've seen the flash drive?
Oh, don't worry, though. We won't say a word about the pictures.
Just shut your mouth.
-What pictures? -Nothing.
-He doesn't know? -Know what?
Oh, wow! I kind of pulled a boner here. Sorry.
But I get it. I totally know why you'd have pornographic pictures of the DA.
Have them in your back pocket for a rainy day.
Never know when they're gonna come in handy!
-Just zip it, Skippy! -You zip your vagina.
No. No, it's okay! When he says "vagina," he means your face.
You said that what was on that drive
were the city contracts that I flowed your way.
All this time, I've been keeping the cops off your ass,
-and you're stashing dirty pictures of me? -Really dirty, gross pictures.
You'd be in jail if it wasn't for me. So watch your tone, Mr. District Attorney!
Looks like you guys have some things to resolve,
so my wife and I will bid you adieu.
No, no, no, no, no. No one's moving,
'cause it'd be a lot easier if someone ended up dying now!
How about you?
Oh, God, he turned the gun sideways, Phil. It's a kill shot!
-Put it down. I will destroy you, boy.
-Come on, cop! -Bring it closer.
-Put it down! -It's gonna be okay.
No, it's not! This is so not okay!
This is a bad plan, Phil! This is a bad plan!
-Take the shot. -Shoot me, I will shoot you back.
Put it down!
Everybody's hopped up!
Look at me! -They're all shooting everybody!
Claire, look at me. Look at me!
I got this.
I have got this!
-Count to three. -What?
-Just count them down. -No, that doesn't work with grownups.
That doesn't work with people with guns.
Trust me.
All right! I have had enough!
My kids are gonna have me up in 90 minutes, so this shit ends now!
I'm gonna count to three, and every one of you boys
is gonna put down your guns.
Is she serious?
-One! -I think she's serious.
-Two! -She's kidding, right?
Three!
Th is is the NYPD!
Drop your weapons and put your hands in the air.
- Police! Freeze! - Put them on the ground!
Put them on the ground!
Drop your weapons and put your hands in the air!
-I'm a cop! -Not anymore, you're not!
Counting them down, works every time.
Told you I could surprise you.
Fosters!
Keep your mouth shut!
Good to see you again, Detective.
-You, too, Mr. Foster. -This was part of the plan?
A helicopter and a SWAT team are part of the plan?
He had your friend Holbrooke call me. Said to be here at 5:30.
-You have something for me? -Yes. Yes, I do.
I think there is enough evidence on this wire
to put those two away for quite some time.
Thank you.
Mr. Miletto. Mr. District Attorney.
You two are under arrest for obstruction ofjustice, racketeering, conspiracy,
I'm pretty sure prostitution,
and a few other goodies I'm sure I'll find on this.
Get them out of here.
You don't wanna be doing this. I'll put you in a box.
Thank you so much for all of your help. Dispose of this trash.
So, you two need a ride?
Oh, yes, please. Our kids must be freaking out.
No, no. We sent a squad car out there an hour ago.
-They're fast asleep at the sitter's. -Oh, thank God.
What's your story?
Just a boring married couple from New Jersey.
So how about that ride?
Actually, I promised my wife dinner in the city.
Okay, no stealing reservations this time. Behave.
-Thanks. -Thank you.
I am not sure, but I think this is the best pancake I've ever had in my life.
I know that I'm, like, really bad at this stuff,
but how did you even begin to come up with that whole plan?
Mmm. Well, it was like that book from book club.
Nasrin baits her brother and her stepfather into fighting each other
so that she can flee the town, go out in the desert
and menstruate in peace.
-What? -You read it.
-You read the book. -Of course.
-Yeah. I read all of them. -Why?
'Cause it matters to you.
I only read the first 30 pages and the last page.
'Cause who has time to read? I don't...
I don't like those books. I don't like them.
What? Do I have something?
No.
I'd do it again, you know.
What, tonight? No. It was very dangerous.
No, not tonight. Us.
You, me, the kids, all of it.
I'd do it again.
I'd choose you every time.
Your love, lifting me higher
Than I've ever been lifted before
So keep it up
Quench my desire
And I'll be at your side forever more
You know your love
Your love keeps lifting me
Keep on lifting
Love keeps lifting me
Higher
Lifting me...
And act ion!
That's enough!
-Big mistake. This is all a big mistake. -Two...
Oh...
Take that back.
Don't call me a bitch, whore.
You're telling me...
Have you not heard a word I said, whore?
I keep calling him a whore.
Just a minute. I'm having the sex.
And action!
Yo, yo, yo...
Just a minute. I'm having the sex.
One more. -Just a minute...
I said your love
Keep on
Lifting me
Higher and higher
-Zip it, Skippy. -Zip your vagina.
No, it's okay. When he says "vagina," he means your face.
Again.
You are the father of at least one of my children,
and you are going to get in there and work that pole till it's a nub.
And get in there and butter that pole.
Work that pole like a Russian immigrant.
"That's amazing, Jeremy.
"I have to go home now and watch the Internet."
"I need to go home now and wash my arms."
"I'm gonna go home now and bleach my mustache."
"That's amazing, Jeremy,
"but I'm gonna go home now and look at my vagina with a hand mirror."
Higher
Higher and higher
I said your love
Keep on
Lifting me
Higher and higher
And my song...
Keep my love going higher and higher
Hello. Hello, good evening.
I don't know if you remember us,
but we were here earlier, eating with our good friend Sam-I-Am.
Bonso ir, we were in here earlier,
eating with our good friend Sam-I-Am.
You mean Will.i.am?
Is that what you call him?
Yeah, no, no, no, no.
Did you hear how she pronounced his name?
It's ridiculous!
Oh, is that what you call him? No...
Did you hear how she pronounced his name?
-Terrible. Terrible. Ah. -How pedestrian.
We were here earlier with William.
He thinks he left his phone.
So we were just going to go and have a check for his phone.
Yes, he left his telly on the table.
His telephone...
We are looking for his phone for him.
-We think that he might have left it... -We need to look for the phone.
-...at the table. -He needs to go
-and look for the phone, please. -Le phone sur la table.
Well, see you later. Goodbye.
That's it! Cut!