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A girl will never forget the first boy she likes.
Even if things don't quite work out.
Why did you do that?
Because you smell like dog poo.
You're so stupid, just like dog poo.
You're made out of poo!
But usually someone is there to offer words of wisdom.
Made...
...of...
...dog...
...poo.
Honey...
...do you know why that little boy did those things and said those things?
It's because he likes you.
And there it is.
That's the beginning of our problem.
That little boy is doing those terrible things because he's got a crush on you.
Do you know what this means?
We're all encouraged...
... no, programmed...
... to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk...
... that means he likes you.
Here's the problem: He likes you too much.
You're too pretty and too awesome.
- Yes. - He can't handle it.
That Phi Delt so obviously liked you.
I'm sure he just lost your number.
He's not asking you out because he's intimidated by your professional success.
Trust me. It's because he's just getting out of a serious relationship.
Trust me. It's because he's never had a serious relationship.
Why do we say this stuff to each other?
Is it possible that it's because we're too scared...
... and it's too hard to say the one obvious truth...
... that's staring everyone in the face?
So Janine says you're a real-estate agent.
Yeah, but I'm not one of those cheesy ones...
...that puts my headshots on bus benches and grocery carts.
So just, like, Frisbees and notepads?
Basically.
- It's much classier. - My thoughts exactly.
Wonder why Janine never thought to introduce us before.
I don't know. I don't know.
- Hey, guys. Want another round? - You want one more?
Only if you do. I mean, if you need to get going, I totally...
Uh...
Okay, well...
Sure. One more. Ketel and soda?
And a beer, please.
Be right back.
Well, Conor, I had a really nice time. - It was really nice meeting you.
- Bye. - See you.
Hey, it's me.
He's cute, and I think it went well.
And I think he might be leaving me a message at home as we speak.
Hey, it's me. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.
Oh, that's very sweet of you, Conor. Thanks.
Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a late bite.
Tonight? I...
No, I was supposed to meet friends but I'm burnt out. Don't be mad at me.
No, of course, I'm not mad. Well, I'll be up for a while.
- Do you wanna go ahead of me? - I'll be up.
- Oh, can you hold on? - Okay.
No, that's fine. You just have one thing, so...
No, technically I have six...
...and I'm mulling over a gum purchase, so I think you should go.
Okay.
Let me call you right back.
All right. Okay.
- Hi. - Hey.
Just that and that, please.
Thank you.
Oh, my word.
Seriously? That's not possible.
I just deposited cash three days ago, so it's just not possible.
Oh, it's not that. Let me check something.
Congratulations, you won.
What?
Our Funky Fall promotion. You're our 1000th customer this month.
What?
Are you kidding me?
I don't do kidding.
Oh, my God. I can't believe this, it's so exciting.
Oh, my God. I never won anything before.
This is the most exciting thing that ever happened to me. Is that sad?
Yea-- No. I don't think so.
- Really? - Yes.
Thank you! Come here.
Wow.
...as the Terps move to mid-ice, trying to...
- Hey. - Hey.
- How was the date? - It was fine. Whatever.
- Why are you here? - My cable's out.
Come on, Spiewak, it's not the Ice Capades.
You didn't hear the phone ring by any chance, did you?
- No, I didn't. - Shit.
Anna gave me the old, "I'll call you right back."
Oh, shit, yeah? Well, how long ago?
That was 22 minutes ago.
Do I call back?
Should you call back? No, absolutely not.
I'm gonna call back and say I'm going to bed.
What? No. It's 9:30. You're gonna--?
No, it's a great idea.
I'll call and say, "In case you were gonna call me back, don't...
...because I'll be sleeping." A genius idea.
Okay, no, that's brilliant.
When you wake up you can say, "I'm awake now, I'm available to take your call."
Oh, gosh. A second.
- Sorry about that. - It's all right.
I was--
Wait, what was I saying again?
You don't wanna be like your mother, wake up one morning...
...and realize you never pursued your dreams.
Is that what I was saying?
- You want some gum? - No, thank you.
God, that's kind of heavy for a grocery chat.
- No, that's okay. - Isn't it?
- Sorry. - I actually might be able to help.
Yeah, I know a guy at my office who deals exclusively with music clients.
- Are you kidding? - Uh-uh.
Oh, my God.
- Are you my savior or something? - No.
- Can you hold this for a second? - Yeah.
Oh, this is so unexpected.
Okay...
I don't...
I'm married.
I don't do this.
You don't do what? You don't help struggling singers?
Not hot yoga-instructing singers...
...who are incredibly charming.
Hm.
Well, you could-- You could give me your card.
That's legit, right? Is that allowed?
I could do that.
- Yeah. - That'd be okay, right?
Yeah.
Great, thank you so much.
Course. Do you need help to your car?
- Where'd you park? - No, I'm fine. It's okay.
- It was very nice to meet you. - Yeah.
Okay.
Who was that?
- Oh, that was a prospective client. - Oh.
Okay.
I can talk to a woman. It doesn't have to be like that.
No. Absolutely not.
- Just drive. - Relax.
- Hi. - Hi.
- How you doing? - Good.
- Yeah? - Yeah. I just got off the phone.
- Yeah? - Yeah, with my little sister.
- How's she doing? - She's getting married.
Really?
Yeah.
Great.
You really think that's great?
Yeah.
Devon seems like...
...a great guy.
Well, so you think it's great that they're getting married...
...but you don't ever feel like we're going against nature, or something...
...by not getting married?
No.
Going against nature is like the cat who suckled that monkey.
You and I are just two people who happen not to be married.
Let me tell you something. People who get married are not to be trusted.
You are so weird.
They're not. You know why?
Because if you are so legitimately happy, honestly...
...you wouldn't feel the need to make a big show out of it.
You wouldn't have to broadcast it.
They do it because they're insecure...
...and they think getting married's what they're supposed to be doing.
So they're lying to themselves and to other people.
Seriously.
Think about you and your friends. Okay?
These women you have great relationships with...
...you're close to them, some of them you've known for years.
But you don't feel the need...
...to write a $45 check to the state of Maryland for a friendship certificate.
- Yeah. No, I get that. - Right?
Why should it be any different, you know, with me and you?
We're very happy, I love you, I'm committed to you...
...we have a great life, you know?
Yes, you're right.
Why can't we just be happy?
You're right.
- I'm gonna get you some more tea. - Okay.
Please enter your pass--
You have no messages.
Main menu. To send a message--
Okay, so clearly he hasn't called.
Maybe he's away on business.
He sells real estate. In Baltimore.
- Staying in town is his business. - Right.
Well, look, let me tell you.
After I went out with Ben for the first time, he didn't call me for 11 days.
Eleven days. And now he's the world's best husband.
That happens all the time.
- Really? - Really.
You want coffee?
- I got you 2 percent. - Thanks.
This is all your fault.
What? Why?
You set us up.
No. You asked me if I know any guys, and I gave Conor your phone number.
That's not a setup.
When I do a setup, I weigh the pros and cons.
I do my due diligence.
All I know about Conor is that he sold us this house.
Seriously, stop.
He said he always hangs out after work at the City Supper Club.
Maybe I should do a little drive-by?
Please don't.
He'll call.
Okay, I have a question:
Why'd they even invent caller ID?
It's, like, who is this service helping?
I mean, for centuries...
Okay, well maybe not centuries, but for, like, a lot and lot of years...
...people have been answering their phone, not knowing who it is...
...and as far as I can tell, no one's died from that.
And it's like if the police wanna know who placed a call, they could trace it.
I mean, what am I, the police?
This constant obsession with needing to know who's calling all the time...
...it's, like, so gross.
Like, you pick up the phone, you find out who it is, then you know.
It's, like...
Look, all I'm saying...
...if a guy doesn't call me, I would like to reserve the right...
...to call him at 15-minute intervals until he picks up.
But if he looks down and sees my numbers...
...he's gonna think I'm some kind of psycho or something.
Which I'm not.
Obviously.
Hello?
Mom.
I gotta call you back.
Inhale. Upward-facing dog.
Look up towards the ceiling.
He ordered more drinks for us when the waitress came.
He remembered exactly what I wanted.
He initiated the hug. He said it was nice meeting me.
So wait. This was at the end of the date or the beginning of the date?
End. Why, does it matter?
Yeah. "Nice meeting you" at the beginning of the date, that's normal.
"Nice meeting you" at the end of the date...
It could be a blowoff.
Maybe it was at the beginning.
Okay. That's fine. He's gonna call.
Or maybe it was at the end.
Or maybe it was just nice to meet me.
Help.
Hi. This is torture.
How am I supposed to come up with something pithy and dynamic...
...to say about cinnamon blends?
It's hard to focus on nutmeg...
...when the guy who might be the guy of my dreams...
...refuses to call me.
After my first date with Neil...
...I called him.
There are no rules anymore.
And, I mean, why should you have to wait for him to get off his ass?
- It's ringing. - That's pretty standard.
- Hey, you've reached Conor. - Yes! Voicemail.
- Leave a message, I'll get back to you. - Notes.
"Hey, Conor, it's Gigi.
I just thought, I hadn't heard from you...
...and how stupid is it that a gal has to wait for a guy's call anyway, right?"
What does that say? What's that say?
Because we're all equal, right?
More than equal.
More women are accepted into law school now than men.
And, I mean, I don't know if you saw that Dateline...
...but women practically have penises now, right? So...
Call me.
Oh, this is Gigi. Call me.
Don't worry, he's totally gonna call.
What?
How can there not be a dial tone? How can there not be a dial tone?
No dial tone. Come here, dial tone.
Gigi, are you there?
Hello, Gigi?
- Mom, is that you? - Yes.
- I can't talk now, I'll call you back. - Wait, I need you to--
Hi, it's Janine. Leave a message.
Hi, Janine, it's me.
Conor never called...
...so I'm on the precipice of staging a casual run-in at the City Supper Club.
Pick up if you wanna stop me.
All right, I'm interpreting your silence as tacit compliance. Bye.
- What's up, girl? - Hey.
- How are you? - Good.
Knock, knock.
Hey.
So...
...here we are. Same shift again.
I know. I make the schedule. Remember?
Well, I figured it was no coincidence.
I had...
...a good time the other night.
Yeah.
It's amazing where 10 shots of Patrón will get you.
So I was thinking...
...after work we could...
You know...
Look, Kelli Ann, what happened between us the other night was fun.
It was definitely fun.
But we're way understaffed tonight. I even have to man the bar.
So that's why I scheduled you.
To work.
So...
Are we good?
- Nope, we're good. - Okay.
Hey, oh, Kelli Ann.
Hey, babe, could you get the door? Thanks.
Hi. Are you joining us for dinner, or?
I'm meeting someone. A guy.
- Why? - Hm?
Nothing. Sorry. For dinner?
I'll wait at the bar.
That's a great idea.
What can I get you?
Oh, no, I'm meeting someone.
Oh yeah? What, you got a hot date?
I don't know if you'd call it "hot."
This guy Conor and I have only been out one time--
Wait, wait, wait. Conor Barry?
Yeah.
Conor's not coming in tonight. Thanks a lot.
Did he forget he was supposed to meet you here?
Oh, see, when I said "meeting someone," I guess it was kind of a broad term.
A wide interpretation of the word "meeting."
Right. You know what? I'll call him.
Oh, no. I mean, just totally unnecessary.
Okay.
I just was actually in the area...
...and so I just figured I'd swing by and see if he was around.
Because I had to return his pen.
Had to return this pen. He left this.
And I just thought I should really return it before he, you know, freaks out.
Yeah. Okay, I'll get it to him.
Thanks.
"Wilson Ward, DDS, Adult, Child and Geriatric Dentistry."
Look, I'm not going to judge what may or may not be important to someone.
Yeah. That's not even his dentist, though.
Oh, really. Who is?
My dad.
Oh.
I'm Gigi. I went out with Conor last week.
And I just...
I thought if I just ran into him...
I don't know. I'm gonna go.
Wait.
Wait, just--
Hang out for a second. Let me buy you a drink.
One drink. Okay?
Give me two seconds, I'll be right back.
Look, you seem like a cool girl, so I'm just gonna be honest with you.
Conor's never gonna call you.
Oh, really. How do you know?
Because I'm a guy, and it's just how we do it.
He said it was nice meeting me.
I don't care if he said you were his favorite female...
...since his mommy and Joanie Cunningham.
Over a week went by, okay, Gigi? And he didn't call you.
But maybe he did call and I didn't get the message.
Or maybe he lost my number...
...or he's out of town, or got hit by a cab, or his grandma died.
Or he didn't call because he has no interest in seeing you again.
Yeah. But my friend Terri once went out with a guy who never called.
She totally wrote him off.
- Over a year goes by. - Right.
She ran into him, and it ended up that--
Your friend Terri's an idiot. She's also the exception...
...by the way. The rare exception.
Okay. Okay. But what if I'm the exception?
No, you're not. You're not at all. In fact, you're the rule.
And the rule is this: If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't wanna call you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Always? - Yeah, always.
Look, I know what blowing off a woman looks like, okay?
I do it early, I do it often.
So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit...
...he genuinely doesn't give a shit.
No exceptions.
Thank you.
Given me a lot to think about.
- Morning, morning. - Excuse me.
- Hi. - Hi.
Everything okay?
Oh, I was up all night.
Please say you were working on the nutmeg copy.
Sure. It's basically done. I have to tell you something important.
Sweetie? What's going on with your hair?
Yeah, come here before people see you have a mini muffin in your hair.
Okay.
So...
Thank you. I think I figured it out.
Remember that notary public who cheated on me?
Then Anastasia told me her boyfriend cheated on her at the beginning...
...but then he changed and now they're married and crazy in love?
- I thought that guy was a process server. - No, notary.
Anyway, my point is, Anastasia's the exception, not the rule.
We have to stop listening to these stories.
The rule is that guys who cheat on you don't care about you much.
- Okay. - Okay, so Exhibit A:
Chad, the drummer who lived in a storage space.
He only used me for rides, and yet I continued to stalk him for most of 1998.
And then... Oh, there was Don...
...who broke up with me every Friday so that he could have his weekends free.
I was delusional about that relationship.
I'd refer to him as my husband to my dental hygienist.
And all of my friends used to tell me stories...
...about how things might work out with these dipshits...
...because they knew someone who dated a dipshit like mine...
...and that girl ended up getting married.
But that's the exception. We're not the exception, we're the rule.
Okay, let me just see if I understand.
So what you're saying is...
...if I hear a story about a girl who's been with a guy for 13 years...
...and he finally married her, that's the exception.
Yes.
But the rule are guys like Neil...
...who are with girls like me...
...for seven years and aren't married...
...they're never getting married.
- No. - No.
- No, no, no. No, no, no. - No.
- It's not what she meant in that-- - No, it's got nothing to do with you.
I absolutely was not talking about you.
- These are specific relationship situations. - I was talking about myself specifically.
Just me specifically, you know?
This guy is, like, impossible not to like, you know?
He's flirting with me pretty heavily outside of the Handy Mart...
...and, you know, everything just kind of lines up, it's really magical.
And then he tells me that he's married.
Which, of course, I should be pissed about, right?
But I just can't stop thinking about him.
But he's married.
I know, I realize that. I don't know what's wrong with me.
What's wrong with me?
Okay.
I know this guy, he works in my dad's printing business.
And he was married for 15 years to a nice lady.
And one night he meets this woman at some church event.
And he tells my dad that he's never felt anything like it before.
That he had finally met the one.
So he divorced his wife...
...and he's been with this other woman for 22 years...
...and they're insanely happy.
I mean, what if you meet the love of your life...
...but you already married someone else?
Are you supposed to let them pass you by?
You're right. Okay.
I'm gonna call him.
Okay.
- Hello? - Hey, Ben. This is Anna Marks.
Hey, Anna. What's up?
Nothing, I was just-- I was taking you up on your offer.
I know you said you had a couple of contacts you thought could help me.
And I thought maybe we could talk about it over coffee or something like that.
Look, I just...
I can't, Anna.
You seemed great. I just-- I don't know.
I should probably go.
Take care, though. Bye.
- Hey. - Hey.
- I'm psyched you called. - Cool.
Kind of given up on you when you didn't call me back.
I was just thinking about you.
- Want a glass of wine? - Sure.
Okay, what were the categories again?
Four categories:
Smart, sexy, funny and cute.
But you can only be two things.
Like Sarah Jessica Parker would be funny and sexy.
Bill Clinton would be smart and sexy.
I can't believe you're hot for Clinton.
Go. What am I?
Wait, what was I again?
You're smart and cute.
Okay, you are sexy, very sexy.
And cute.
No, you can't--
Sexy and cute are both in the looks column.
Nobody wants to be all in one column.
I sound like a jackass if I say you're all four, which obviously you are.
Especially sexy.
You're the best.
I better go.
Okay, well, you know you could stay here if you want.
What? It's been a while.
No, I can't.
I can't stay, I'm totally--
I'm totally, totally fried.
Is that okay?
Yeah.
I'll see you later.
Bye.
Hey.
That look straight to you?
Why are you hanging that?
Because you asked me to about three weeks ago.
I'm getting around to it.
Why? You don't want it here?
No, I love it there. But just stop.
Why? Is it the painting?
You know, I know, it looks kind of like a deflated boob here.
Right? I know.
It's gonna be depressing. Should I take it down?
No, I want you to stop doing anything nice.
This feels like a trick.
- No. - No?
No, I just-- I just need you to stop being nice to me...
...unless you're gonna marry me after.
Is that funny?
Do you think that's funny?
No, I guess it's not funny.
See, you can't keep being nice to me...
...and I can't keep pretending that this is something that it's not.
We've been together for over seven years.
You know me, you know who I am.
You either wanna marry me or you don't.
Or there's the possibility...
...that I mean it when I say I don't believe in marriage--
Bullshit.
Come on, it's bullshit for every woman...
...that has been told by some man that he doesn't believe in marriage...
...and then six months later he's married to some 24-year-old that he met at a gym.
It's just-- It's bullshit.
Where is this coming from?
From the place I've been hiding from you for about five years.
Okay.
Five years, because I haven't wanted to seem demanding.
And I haven't wanted to seem clingy or psycho.
Or whatever.
So I haven't asked you.
But I...
I have to.
I mean...
...are you ever gonna marry me?
Oh, I can't do this anymore.
I used to think that I had never been dumped.
Yeah, then we started comparing notes.
Then we realized we've both been dumped by every man we've ever been with.
- Every one. - Yeah.
- But they do it so skillfully. - Mm-hm.
They just so sneaky that you think it was your idea.
Yeah. You're sitting back and you're like:
"Oh, yeah. This my idea. But wait a second, why am I alone?"
"Why am I unhappy? Why have I gained 20 pounds?"
- They Jedi mind-trick you. - Yes, they do.
- So they do a soft pass. - Yeah.
They got little lines they like to tell you.
Like, "I don't wanna stand in your way."
Or, "You're perfect, it's just I have to work on myself."
Right. "I'm just thinking of your happiness."
"Oh, I don't deserve you." That's my favorite one.
You know the other one I like?
"I am so jealous of the guy who gets to marry you."
- Well, that could have been you. - Yeah.
That's what I was leaning towards.
Yeah. And the second you hear that...
...run to the store, get yourself some ribs and some ice cream...
...because you have been dumped.
Hey Anna, it's Ben.
Listen, I know it's been a while since you called.
It's just-- It took me by surprise.
But I did offer to help you with your career...
...and I don't see why I can't do that, right?
So why don't you give me a call...
...and maybe you can come by the office or something.
Okay? All right, take care. Bye.
Hey, you.
Oh, shit.
- What? - You scared me.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Everything's fine.
Are you smoking again?
No, sweetie, I'm not smoking.
Why?
You get jumpy when you smoke.
I'm not smoking, I promise.
No, I was just sitting here...
...trying to picture what this room's gonna look like when it's finished.
- I like that game. - You do?
Yeah.
What color did you picture?
That's where I got stuck.
Yeah.
I was thinking...
...maybe yellow.
- Yellow? Okay. - Yeah. I mean, it's neutral.
- Mm-hm. - Yeah. So it could be whatever.
It could be an office, it could be a guest room...
...a gym, a baby's room...
Wait, did you mean "neutral," or "gender-neutral"?
- I don't know what you're talking about. - Oh, really?
I know we said we'd wait to talk about it.
- Uh-huh. - Mm-hm.
But I think that we're almost ready to start talking about it.
So that's the last time I do anything pro bono.
Well, ladies, I guess I have to get back to the office.
You go back to the office after happy hour? What's happy about that?
I met you.
I would love to call you sometime. Do you have a card?
- Of course. - Oh, great.
Here is my info.
- Nice to meet you, Janine. - Nice to meet you.
Look forward to hearing from you, Gigi.
Oh, wait.
So...
...how are we doing this?
Are you hearing from me or am I getting a call?
What?
You said you'd love to call me...
...but then you said, "Look forward to hearing from you," and--
You see how that's kind of confusing?
Yeah, look, we'll talk. We'll get in touch.
You did it again. Very vague.
You know what? Let's just say that you'll call me...
...and then we can skip all the nonsense.
Goodbye, Gigi.
- He was cute. - Yeah, please don't cyber-stalk him.
What are you doing?
I'm not calling him.
If he wants to see me, he'll call.
Wow.
That guy Alex really made an impression on you.
Was he hot?
No. He was just...
...right.
Morning.
Morning, Ryan.
A surprise mocha venti just because you're so awesome.
- Love you. - Love you.
Good morning.
Okay.
So?
Oh, hi.
- He asked me out. - Oh, my God. He called?
- Well... - He e-mailed?
- No. - What?
Left his calling card with your lady-in-waiting?
- He MySpaced me. - Ouch.
- Oh. - Oh, girl, I don't know about that.
My trampy little sister says MySpace is the new booty call.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I mean, things have changed.
People don't meet each other organically anymore.
If I would like to make myself seem more attractive to the opposite sex...
...I don't go and get a new haircut, I update my profile.
That's just the way it is, you know?
Yeah, she's right.
Back, back, back, back.
Ad sales, this is Mary.
Hi, Mary, this is Conor, Anna's friend, or whatever.
Hi.
So, what'd you think?
Looking at it right now. I'm not sure about this.
Oh, you have to trust me.
It's a burgeoning market, you're gonna make a fortune.
I know. Did you have to put me with the massage ads?
Well, it was either that or the page with the personals, so...
This page gets a lot of action.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Hey, have you spoken to Anna lately?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, Mary, I'll talk to you soon. Thank you.
Bye.
What I'm trying to show you is that there's a difference.
There is a difference.
Hey, how did you get Aunt Linda to sew these dresses in two weeks?
She wanted to do it.
Really? She told me she felt like an old Indonesian lady in a sweat shop.
- Is that not right? - No, she didn't.
No?
What's the--? Why the big rush to get married?
Because I am not having my wedding during a gross Baltimore winter...
...and I am not waiting till spring.
You are so pregnant.
Oh, God, I'm not pregnant.
I'm not pregnant. That's ridiculous.
- Chug a beer then. - No, I'm not chugging a beer.
Chug a beer.
We're in love, you assholes.
That's what people do when they're in love, they get married.
But you know what? Not everybody gets married, you know?
There are many people who never get married.
Well, thanks for the inspirational pep talk.
What she meant to say was that it's fine that you broke up with Neil.
Right.
Tons of people make the choice to be alone. They're happy.
Look at Al Pacino.
Never been married, happy as a clam.
Would that--? Am I--? Would I be Al Pacino in this scenario?
No, Bethie, we just-- We want you to be happy.
Well, then you should have rethought the coral.
Oh, her face.
- Your face. - Don't make her cry.
I'm sick of these coral jokes.
I know, you're sensitive. Trust me, I get it.
Hey, why don't you have dinner with me and Steven and the kids...
...then you can just stay over--?
Why'd she wanna hang out with you and your husband?
The last thing I'd feel like doing.
If being in this wedding is too painful--
Oh, God, you guys. Please, stop it. Relax, relax.
That's enough, okay? Seriously, you guys, I'm f--
I've gone through breakups before. If you remember, I handle them quite well.
You've been there, you've seen it. I'm perfectly capable of doing this.
I can do it again.
I want you to stop worrying about me.
I'm fine.
I know it's here somewhere.
I spoke with George Lane in Music. He had a whole list of references for you.
Well, that's okay. You can just call me when you find it.
I swear I didn't lure you here under false pretenses.
I know.
A girl can dream, though.
You're just too good a guy.
Why are you married again?
Seriously, why?
No, I really think that it would be good for me to know...
...why you cannot live without this other woman.
Well, we'd been together since college and she gave me an ultimatum.
She said, "Either we get married or we break up."
So we got married.
Wow. You caved.
It's complicated.
Really?
What? You're a dick if you date a girl for too long and don't marry her.
You marry her and you're an asshole for marrying before you're ready.
I mean, shit, I don't know.
You're really hot.
And I am obviously attracted to you.
So I think the best I can do is...
...eventually find this piece of paper and call you...
...and hope to just help you out in your career in some small way.
Hi.
Hi. What's going on?
Javier.
Javier, I thought we talked about tarping the furniture.
City Supper.
Hi, this is Gigi. Is Alex there?
Hold on.
- Alex? - Yo.
- Drinks are good? - Yeah, one more.
- Hello? - Hi, this is Gigi.
- Gigi? - Gigi Phillips.
- Huh? - I, um...
...had the dentist pen.
Right. Hey. How you doing?
- I'm really sorry to bug you. - That's okay.
You had some really good insights and I wanted to ask you a question.
Okay, look, now I need to be harsh with you.
Conor's never gonna be interested in you, Geege.
No, I know. This is about Jarrad.
Jarrad.
So we meet at happy hour and he's completely charming--
Hey, give me two seconds, okay? Two seconds, hold on.
Let me guess. He said:
"The only thing happy about this hour is you."
He might have used some derivative of that.
So he says he's going to call, but then he gives me his card and he says--
Oh, he's not interested.
- You don't even know if he's called. - Oh, did he?
No.
- But I honestly think he's expect-- - Okay.
Gigi, he is not interested.
Alex, this is jacked.
The hostess is giving me shit for not wearing a black shirt.
- It's not black. - Look at it.
Not a black shirt. I see it. It's not black.
This shit is black.
If a guy gives you his phone number instead of taking yours, he's not interested.
He took mine first. Then he gave--
And also, if a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you.
I once called 55 Lauren Bells until I got the right one.
That's cute.
What happened?
Oh, yeah, as it turns out, her ass looked really huge in the daylight.
Is it your sensitivity that makes you so popular with women?
Don't call him. He doesn't like you.
Don't tiptoe around my feelings.
- Well, I'm just trying to help. - I know. Thank you.
Sure.
I gotta get back to work, but good luck.
Okay, bye.
Hey, buddy, you home?
Yeah. Come on in.
Hey, you want a beer?
Or an apple martini?
Oh, that's funny.
Have you told your parents?
It's for work. I'm trying to expand my client base.
By pretending to be gay?
No, by being more gay-friendly.
Or, in real estate terms, "gay-adjacent."
Nice. I'm gonna use that.
I should change this. It's maybe a little much.
I don't know. Dressing like that, seeing a girl who won't sleep with you...
...I think you can pull it off.
It's not that she won't sleep with me, douche bag.
I have slept with her. It's just she, you know...
Won't sleep with you anymore.
Pretty much, yeah.
What do you think?
I think you got a problem...
...because you're gonna have to beat them away with a stick, you gorgeous, sexy man.
Holy shit.
Observe your breath.
Inhale, belly rise.
And exhale, belly fall.
Bring your hands together in front of your chest.
Bow your head in gratitude.
- Namaste. - Namaste.
Thank you for coming. See you next week.
Great class.
We ran into each other.
You came to my class.
I had no idea this was your class.
You called to ask me if this was my class.
No, you never called back.
Because you told me not to call you if it was my class. It was.
- No. We just ran into each other. - Okay.
We're just two innocent folks who happen to be working out near each other.
Exactly.
Do you want a swim?
Sure.
You know, I was just thinking...
...why can't we be friends?
I mean, am I not allowed to have friends anymore?
I mean, am I not allowed to be friends with people that are hot?
I mean, what kind of reverse prejudice is that?
I hear you.
I mean...
...am I not supposed to be friends with a guy just because he's married?
Right.
Or has an insane smile?
Or an ass that makes me wanna dry hump?
- Did you just say "dry hump"? - Yeah.
Think I just fell in love.
So we're friends.
Yeah.
You wanna come in?
I'm sorry, I don't trust myself.
That's okay. You can just watch.
You know, you may be the best friend I've ever had.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Take a shower. Hey. - What? Hi.
- Honey? - Yeah.
You smell weird.
- I smell weird? - Yeah, different.
- Different how? - I don't know.
Sort of an odd thing to say.
You know, maybe it was the ashtray and cigarettes I found.
In the back yard.
What part of "My dad died of lung cancer"...
...is so hard for you to wrap your brain around?
What?
Do not lie to me, Ben. Please, okay?
Are you serious?
We have, like, 8000 undocumented workers here daily.
Okay, and you find an ashtray with cigarettes in it and you think--
You automatically assume that they're mine.
Oh, yeah.
Honey, I'm not lying to you.
I think...
...you are really freaking out.
This whole renovation thing's getting to you because nothing's happening.
Just say no.
Get it out.
Gonna take a shower.
- I'm exhausted. - Okay.
- Sorry. - It's all right.
Who'd have thought that a random girl from yoga...
...would fix me up with such a good kisser? - Back at you, sister.
I can't wait to kiss you again.
But we're kissing right now.
I know, next time.
The second-date kiss is way more intimate.
Well, listen...
...I'm leaving tomorrow, so I'll be out of touch for a little bit.
Can you excuse me a quick second? Too many Diet Cokes.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
Hey, sorry to bug you again. Quick question.
Excuse me one minute, babe. Sorry.
What's going on?
Okay, I'm making out with this guy-- PG stuff.
And he mentions that he's going out of town, he's gonna be out of touch.
Run.
But maybe he is going out of town.
Where? Where's he going that he's gonna be out of touch?
Where are you going out of town to again?
Um-- Uh-- Pittsburgh.
Run.
So, what, now I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't like me?
Yeah.
There's not gonna be anybody left.
I don't know why I'm saying this...
...but I think I know a nice guy who might actually like you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
He's friends with my brother. His name's Bill.
We'll all meet for drinks and it'll be good.
So, I mean, I'm in his bathroom right now.
What do I do?
Well, you gotta come out eventually, right? But I'd take my time in there.
I'd let him sweat.
- Thanks. - Good luck.
Yeah, the boat looks great.
You look like shit.
But your boat looks great.
Yeah. I live on my boat, man.
Personal hygiene goes out the window.
A lot of time to work on the place.
You should try working on a shower.
Yeah.
Hey, what can I tell you?
Standing on principle, man. It's all I got.
Cigarette?
No, I'm good.
That's right, you quit.
Good for you.
So did Janine send you out here to check up on me?
Yeah, pretty much.
What are you gonna tell her?
I'll tell her how gorgeous you look out here on the ocean.
Break.
Any word from Beth?
She's so busy organizing her sister's funeral, I think she must be--
Sister's what?
Her wedding. Her sister's wedding.
- Isn't that what I said? - No. You said "funeral."
- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.
Shit, did I really?
That's so weird.
I don't understand why people wanna get married.
They don't.
- They don't? - No.
No, no guy actually wants to get married.
And if they do, all they're really thinking about?
All the women they're gonna miss out on.
I don't wanna be with anybody else, just Beth.
I don't know, man, I...
Why'd you get married?
I love Janine.
You're a happily married guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd say so.
Now, I know I don't need to tell any of you...
...that my cousin Paige is hot.
In high school, if I told the popular guys that Paige was my cousin...
...it'd keep me from getting my ass kicked...
...because no one wanted to blow their chances with her.
And when she gets up there and says those marriage vows to Devon...
...there will be hearts breaking all over the world.
- Hear, hear. - That's sweet.
But, you know, keep in mind that her sister Beth is still on the market.
Yeah, sure, she may be an older model...
...but she got a lot of good miles left in that tank.
But don't stay on the lot too long...
...or next year's models are gonna slip in there and steal all--
Okay, that's enough of the speeches.
Okay.
So enjoy the crab.
And that yellow stuff is not hot mustard, it's the crab's hepatopancreas.
Bethie.
Your cousin Jay has always been a jackass.
I know.
And somehow even he's married.
Oh, honey, look.
Back when everyone was just going to camp at the Y...
...you borrowed my New York Times...
...found some arts camp in the Berkshires...
...wrote away for information and got accepted on your own.
You never did things like everyone else.
Why not?
Because that's you.
That's why you're my favorite daughter.
You're not supposed to say that.
I don't give a shit.
I'm retired, I'll say what I want to.
I'll say it to the whole room if you want.
Wait, wait, wait! Come here. Stop.
It's true, though.
Hey.
- What are you doing? - Waiting for you.
Come on.
Sorry I'm late.
No, it's okay.
I like a little time before a blind date.
Prepare myself mentally, remind myself not to tell the story about my molars...
Gigi, he's not coming.
But you can tell me the story about the molars. I'd love to hear it.
Hey.
How could he already not like me?
I screwed up. I told Bill it was Thursday, not Tuesday. It's my fault.
Hi. Are you good?
- Can I get a Jameson on the rocks? - Sure.
Awesome. I'm stuck with a guy who can't distinguish Tuesday from Thursday.
Meanwhile, this girl, she's probably meeting her soul mate as we speak.
- This one right here? - Mm-hm.
Oh, God, no.
How do you know?
The guy working the Tom Cruise thing?
She's interested, he's clearly not.
You cannot tell from a cursory glance that he's not into her.
Actually, I can. I see this stuff going on every night.
Watch this. She's going on about her macrobiotic diet.
He's thinking, "Dear Christ, get me out of here."
And look, how fortuitous.
Drinks spill, which is perfect for him, because now...
He can move on to the girl with the shoulder tattoo.
Man, you have a gift.
Now check out Droopy Dog on the other side.
He's gonna buy her drinks all night and she's still gonna insist there's no spark.
Maybe there's not. You need a spark.
Oh, the spark thing is bullshit.
- Really? - Bullshit.
Enlighten me.
Guys invented the spark...
...so they could not call and treat you kind of badly and keep you guessing...
...then convince you that that anxiety and fear that just develops naturally...
...was actually just a spark.
And you guys all buy it. You eat it up and you love it.
You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama.
I don't.
So you never wait until the last minute on a deadline or a phone bill...
...because secretly you love the drama...
...of not knowing whether or not you're gonna make it?
Maybe.
And let me guess:
When you were stalking Conor the other night...
...were you obsessing about him calling...
...constantly pacing back and forth, staring at your phone for days...
...even though the date was just kind of mediocre?
Okay. Yeah.
Because you all thrive on the drama. Thank you.
Look, you gotta be more like me. If a girl likes me, great.
But if not, there are plenty more out there like her, you know?
With smaller pores and bigger implants.
- That's beautiful. - I know.
Why are you sharing all of this inside dating information with me again?
I don't know, I like you.
You do?
Well, yeah. Okay, don't start doodling my name on your binder, okay?
I just mean-- I mean, I like you the way I like basset hounds.
Something pathetic about them. You just wanna cheer them up.
Again with the sensitivity.
To sensitivity.
It looks good.
Yeah.
- He does good work. - Yeah, he does.
Very nice.
- Javier? - Yeah.
Javier...
...if I asked you an honest question...
...do you think you could give me an honest answer?
- I think so. - Good, good.
Because I think some of your guys might be smoking.
Javier?
- Is that the question? - Yes.
- Seemed like a statement. - The question part's implied.
I really didn't hear it in the inflection.
Javier...
...have you guys been smoking...
...or not?
No, ma'am. My guys, they don't smoke on the job site. They're good guys.
Are you sure your guys haven't been...
...sneaking around here?
And smoking?
And lying to me?
And smoking?
I'm pretty sure.
I need you to be honest with me, Javier.
Because I can't have someone lying to me.
To my face, under my roof, on my time.
That's a lot of prepositions.
I mean, there's no reason for that kind of dishonesty, is there?
I mean, we made promises to each other.
I mean, we have a contract.
That's like making promises. Isn't it?
Maybe I should get back to work.
Oh, yeah. Right, yeah.
That's great, yeah.
- Javier? - Yeah.
We're good. Right? You and me.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. We're good. - Oh, good.
Okay, that's great.
Yeah, he did great work.
Hey.
Welcome, everybody. Thanks for coming. I'm Conor.
Sign in when you get a second. Make yourselves at home.
We got some cookies over here, some cold beverages. Help yourself.
Conor, you are the Liza Minnelli of real estate.
- I know. Your friend Mary's a genius. - I know, she's so great.
Well, I gotta go, so I guess I'll see you later.
What, you got a class, or?
Yeah. No. No, just something.
- Stuff I gotta do. - Okay. Well...
- I'll see you. Okay. Bye. - Okay.
Okay. Bye.
- See you later. - All right. Call me.
What?
She's holding out on you, isn't she?
Not quite sure I get your meaning.
It's obvious she won't sleep with you.
It's written all over your puppy-dog face.
- It's killing me, literally. I'm dying. - Here, have a cookie.
No, I'm cool.
I don't know what she's doing. I cannot read her signals.
We used to sleep together all the time.
That's not true. I don't know why I said that.
It wasn't all the time, but it happened. I know I'm not just making this up.
And then out of nowhere it just stops. But she still calls.
She wants a massage. She leaves cute messages.
But it's not going anywhere. What is she doing?
Honestly, we may not have the best insight.
Gay signals have nothing to do with straight signals.
He's right. The signals are totally different.
Like, here. Here's "I wanna sleep with you."
One, two, three.
That's it, three seconds or more, it's on.
And here's "I don't wanna sleep with you."
One, two...
- Nope, thanks for playing, move along. - It's that simple.
You're right, that didn't help me at all.
All right, well, I can tell you this:
Gay or straight, you're not gonna get anywhere by being inactive.
She likes you. Maybe she just wants you to be a man and do something.
Hit me up with an oatmeal raisin, will you?
- Thanks. - Here you go.
If a girl's into you, she's sleeping with you.
If after a month, or two months at the very outside...
...she's not sleeping with you?
She doesn't like you.
The trick is to spot this girl early.
Don't wanna waste the one to seven weeks waiting to find out it's never gonna happen.
So I've come up with some signs about how to spot this girl.
A girl will never sleep with you...
...if she calls you "cuddly" or "dependable."
If she pops a zit in front of you...
...if her name is Amber or Christine...
...if she takes a dump in your bathroom...
...or she takes home leftovers on dates one, two, or three.
I know it's not scientific...
...but I'm just saying, you were warned.
Wait, stop.
What?
Shit.
What?
I am so into you.
Seriously, I've never felt like this before.
I have to actively stop my brain from thinking about you.
Like, all the time.
Why stop?
Because I don't do stuff like this.
Stuff like what?
Like sleep with women that aren't my wife.
First of all, I am not "women," I'm just one.
And second of all?
Oh, I didn't have a second of all.
I was hoping "second of all" would make me feel better.
Second of all...
...I can't stop thinking about you either.
He's totally leaving his wife for me. That's crazy.
That's crazy. We hardly know each other.
I don't know. I mean, look at Becca.
You know, my sister's friend.
One guy waits on her at Bennigan's...
...and by the end of the meal, they both knew they had found the one.
You're right. You're totally right. I mean, it could happen, right?
Not for me.
What about texter?
Texter has yet to make verbal contact.
I mean, this guy could've had surgery, leaving him without a voice box...
...breathing through a stoma...
...and I would never know because I've never actually heard his voice.
Well, I doubt he has a stoma.
That's not the point. I can't text.
You know, I'm not charming via text.
Maybe you should just stop texting.
But it's not just texting, it's e-mail. It's voicemail. It's snail mail.
That's regular mail.
Whatever. None of it's working.
I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home.
And then he e-mailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell.
Then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control.
And I miss the days where you had one phone number and one answering machine.
And that one answering machine housed one cassette tape...
...and that one cassette tape either had a message from the guy or it didn't.
And now you have to go around checking all these different portals...
...just to get rejected by seven different technologies.
It's exhausting.
What about that MySpace guy?
- Jude. I like him. - Good.
Yeah, I felt like we connected.
Great.
What if she wants you to kiss her?
Well, then I guess I'm just gonna have to kiss her.
"Amanda Jones is no minor leaguer...
...who'll be swept off her feet at the touch of your amateur lips."
This babe has plenty of battle scars.
Hello?
Oh, hey, you're home.
Where am I supposed to be?
Out, maybe? It's Saturday night.
You won't let me go out with guys who don't like me. It's kind of limiting.
Right. Listen, I was just gonna leave a message.
I'm having a party next weekend. You should come.
Oh, I don't know. Won't Conor be there? Might be kind of awkward.
He's at a real-estate conference in D.C. But there'll be a lot of single guys.
So there will be plenty of chances for me to be awkward.
Don't worry, I'll be there. I'll talk you through it.
Okay, gotta go.
Someone just dropped like 84,000 plates. Maybe I'll see you there.
You're busy. I shouldn't have called. You called me.
- Yup, good. - Bye.
How--How do you work on it?
Pretend I'm a girl, okay?
I mean...
... pretend I'm her.
Amanda.
He's into me.
Awesome. I knew it.
- Who's this now? - Alex.
It's totally clear to me now. He's Watts.
- He's what? - From Some Kind of Wonderful.
I thought Mary Stuart Masterson was Watts.
- Yes. - So why aren't you Watts?
I'm Eric Stoltz.
Alex is Watts. Watts helps Eric Stoltz go on a date with Amanda Jones.
Really, she's in love with Eric Stoltz.
So Amanda Jones is Conor?
I guess. At first. Now men in general, but that's not the point.
The point is he's into me.
I knew there had to be some reason why he was spending that time with you.
I know. It's so obvious now. There are so many signs.
Signs. Love signs. You gotta tell me about the signs. I love signs.
First they were small. At first when I called, he said, "Good to hear from you."
- Totally good sign. - Right?
And then the next time I called he was with a woman...
...but he took the call and we talked for a while.
- You know it was a woman? - Called her "babe."
Okay, a guy doesn't leave a woman to go talk to another woman unless he's...
And it gets more obvious.
I mean, please. There was no guy he was gonna fix me up with.
The fix-up was him.
No.
Yes. He shows up without this fictitious Bill character.
The two of us basically have a date.
And then he calls and invites me to a party at his place.
He so likes you.
I'm so happy for you.
Let's look up places for your destination wedding.
How do you feel about Napa Valley?
I have really always wanted to go there.
Oh, he's cute.
Yeah. Smoldering but sensitive.
Oh. "All I have is my guitar, these chords, and the truth."
Bon Jovi.
- That's hot. - Yeah. I like him.
I mean, he probably hasn't called yet because we just had coffee last night.
- Really? - Yeah, you know.
I mean, we actually video iChatted while holding coffee.
But that's the same thing, right?
- Right, right. - Just call your voicemail.
Yeah, but he had a gig last night and he probably didn't get home till late.
- Did I tell you he's a singer? - Mm-hm.
- Just call. - Oh, honey, no, on speaker.
I don't think so. I'm sure he hasn't called.
- Just call him. - Okay.
- You have two new messages. - Oh.
Mary
Whoa, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary
Oh, my Mary
I just got hard.
Hey, Mary, it's Jude.
I was just calling to tell you again how special it was to meet you.
So call me back. Bye-bye.
Amazing.
- This is good, this is good. - This is...
See, he called.
Jenny
Whoa, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny
Hey, Jenny, it's Jude. I was just calling to--
Whoa, shit. What number did I just dial?
All messages erased.
That one.
- You sure? - Yeah.
No. It's a laminate.
- That's not real hardwood floor? - Nope.
It looks exactly like it. But it is like one one-hundredth of the cost.
Oh.
I still wanna go with the real wood.
What? You can't even tell the difference.
It's not the point.
Well, what is the point?
I just...
I don't like the way it's pretending to be wood.
If you're not wood, don't try and look like wood.
I don't think that it's pretending.
This is a lie, Ben.
Just be up front and tell people what you really are.
Okay, you're right. You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's okay. Maybe we should just go look at the grills and we'll come back.
Okay.
I slept with someone.
- I said-- - I heard you.
You tell me this in Home Depot because you know I hate a public scene.
No, that is not why I'm telling--
I knew it.
- You asshole. - I'm sorry.
It is you that's been smoking too, isn't it?
Wha--? Wait, what does that even matter?
Have you--?!
Have you been smoking?
No. No, I haven't.
I talked to Neil. I told him.
He said I could stay at his boat for a while.
Excuse me?
Now you're moving out?
- You're, like, leaving me? - No.
No, I just assumed that you wouldn't want me to--
Aren't we gonna deal with this?
Don't you wanna find some way...
...for us to work through this?
I assumed that when I told you, you would want me...
...out.
Is that what you want?
No.
Okay.
You're doing a great job.
Oh, my gosh, it's Bridget. Hi!
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, what a beautiful dog.
Seriously, Devon, I really did feel just a moment, a splash, of hesitation.
No, there wasn't. There wasn't any hesitation at all.
You just did it again. That was a pause.
I did not pause.
You must be Beth.
Yeah. Yeah.
Heard a lot about you from Paige.
Actually been lobbying to sit next to her single sister for weeks.
Oh, yeah?
So you must be:
"Dan."
Sort of.
- Sort of? - Well, I'm actually a Wiccan.
- A what? - A Wiccan.
Wiccan?
- Male witch. - Right.
So I also have a magical name.
It's Brother Phoenix East-Horse.
But I didn't know if that would fit on the card. Love that.
I'm guessing that I'm gonna hear a whole lot about you.
Nature-based pre-Christian paganism, yeah.
Yeah. That's fantastic.
Well, where to begin?
Well, first off, it's not just a bunch of nude farming. Dad.
- Wow. - Let's look at Stonehenge.
Obviously not a coincidence.
They didn't have the machinery to move those rocks. They're huge.
- Yeah, they're heavy. - Of course.
- I'm Nathan. And this is Bruce. - Gigi.
- Gigi. Hi. - Hey.
So how do you guys know Alex?
We don't. Our friend Mary heard about this from some guy named Conor.
And how do you know Alex?
I hope--
I'm pretty sure that something's about to happen between us.
- Ooh. - Oh.
So are you here as, like, a guest, or, like, his date?
Oh, I hate that. When you don't know if you're a date.
You don't know if you should bring a friend, or are you co-hosting...
...or should you stay to the end to have some alone time?
He didn't say. I'm sure I'm more than just a guest.
- I mean, there have been signs. - Cool.
So where's Neil?
We broke up.
- No way. - Yeah.
You guys were together, what, like 10 years?
Seven. But still, it's a long time.
Yeah.
It's too bad cousins can't marry, because then we could maybe--
Oh, Dominic.
- Gross. - No.
Ken, are you okay? What happened?
Oh, my God.
- Ken, are you all right? - Just clutched his chest.
He was standing there and all of a sudden--
- Ken, just try to breathe. - Call 911.
Dad. Excuse me.
Daddy, what is it? What happened? What happened?
- Guys, come here! - What happened?
Daddy, lay down, okay?
- Did he fall? - You'll be fine.
You guys, did anybody see what happened?
- Over there. Just go get it. - Okay.
Hey, hey. I had no idea it'd be such a madhouse.
Hey. Great party.
Thanks. Did any guys hit on you? A lot of them here.
You need me to evaluate any level of interest?
They were gay. Even I know their level of interest was probably low.
Hey, Skilo!
It's too bad Bill couldn't make it. I know you guys would hit it off.
Okay, right. "Bill."
Right.
Listen, I gotta go make a liquor run, but the food needs some refreshing.
- Would you mind helping and refilling--? - Like co-hosting?
Okay, yeah.
Sure.
Just refilling the chips. They're on the fridge.
Thanks.
- Hey, sweetie, get me a beer? - I'll get you another.
- Hi, guys. - Nice.
Hey, Linda.
- Really great party. - Oh, thanks.
You know, when Alex said he wanted to throw a party, I was like, "Let's do it!"
- Thanks for having us. - No problem, any time.
Can I help you find something?
Oh, no, it's okay. I got it.
Thanks for mixing that up.
What?
Alex asked me to get the dip together. Thanks for getting it started.
It could use a little more dill.
I'm on it, though, don't worry.
Come on, my boy. Take it home.
Franchise player. My boy Marbury.
- Fifteen seconds. - Let's go.
- Oh, a pass. - You work too hard.
Well, I think I've rounded up the last of the beer bottles.
- Oh, what game are we playing? - Oh, sorry, Nash.
- Oh, come on. - Come on, come on.
- Nash, you piece of shit. Come on. - Maybe I should just--
- It's past 3, so... - Okay, swat it.
Watch this. Ready?
- And... - Oh, no, no, no!
Yes. Suck it. Yes.
Oh, you are-- You're sensational.
- Yeah, I know. - Jesus.
I don't know why I bother.
- Did you say it's past 3? - Yeah.
- Oh, man, I gotta go. Hey, good game. - All right.
- Bye. - Bye.
Hey, thanks for staying and helping me clean up.
I really gotta go to bed, though.
Is that an invitation?
What?
Oh, God, that was cheesy.
Oh, I'm not good at this.
What?
Hey.
Oh, yes. I knew it.
The best relationships grow out of friendships.
Wait, wait, wait. Gigi.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Now you and I are in a relationship?
Well, I'd say if we're not at relationship station-ship...
...we're at least on the track.
And why exactly would you think that?
Because of the signs.
Really, like what?
Like, it was good to hear from me...
...and you talked to me even when you were with a girl...
...and I felt something.
Oh, man.
What are you talking about?
Gigi, what have I been saying since I met you?
If a guy wants to date you, he will make it happen, okay? He will ask you out.
Did I ask you out?
No.
Why would you do this?
Oh, shit.
Why do women do this? Build up this stuff in their minds...
...take each little thing a guy does, and then twist it into something else?
It's insane.
I'd rather be like that than be like you.
Excuse me?
What is that supposed to mean?
I may dissect each little thing...
...and put myself out there too much...
...but at least that means I still care.
Oh, you think you've won because women are expendable to you?
You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way...
...but you don't fall in love that way either.
You have not won.
You're alone, Alex.
I may do a lot of stupid shit...
...but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are.
Do you want anything else?
Yeah, less of the cardboard crap and more regular people food.
Well, that cardboard crap is what we call whole-wheat toast.
Well, maybe you could just fry me up a couple of sausage links.
People who have just had a heart attack are generally not advised...
...to have animal fat that's been stuffed into a synthetic casing.
Hey, Beth. Grab me a beer when you get to the kitchen, okay?
And a little plate of cold cuts, if there are any left.
Hey, would you guys please just turn that down a bit? Dad's trying to sleep.
You think he wants to hang on to this vinyl?
My collection could use a lot of these.
Would you just turn it the fuck down?
Well, we're totally out of toilet paper...
...and all we have left to eat is some old jelly and some ramen noodles.
And our new brother would like to co-opt Dad's property before he's even dead.
Laura, also your husband would really like another beer...
...to go with his fifth consecutive hour of the golf network.
Are you okay?
Don't worry, honey, Dad's gonna be fine.
- Do you know who it is? - No.
Doesn't matter.
So are you gonna leave him?
Gigi, he's my husband.
He's not some guy who didn't call me back.
He did admit it to me.
He didn't wait to get caught, which takes courage, you know?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean it.
I know that Alex wasn't just some guy.
Oh, it's okay.
It's my fault, you know.
What?
Oh, I just think I need to take responsibility for my share in the whole...
...mess. You know?
I forced him into getting married.
- You know, he wasn't ready. - Janine, this isn't your fault.
No, it is. It is, I've changed.
I was...
...fun, you know?
I was fun when we first met.
You're still fun.
We don't have sex anymore.
Lots of couples go through lulls.
No, I mean...
...we never have sex.
I mean, realistically, what do I expect him to do, you know?
I don't think that's really...
God, this tile is too small.
I have to tell Javier.
- What? - This tile is too small.
I gotta go. I have to take a personal day, if anyone asks.
Well, my first husband was unimpressive.
I found him in bed with his big-breasted secretary...
...when I came home early from the Maldives.
It was just so unoriginal.
Made me feel sorry for him.
My second husband was a pinch more creative.
Cheated on me with my sister...
...but made me believe that I was insane for being suspicious.
So at least some mind games, some intrigue.
But my last husband, he was a gem.
He was a veritable master at covering his tracks.
I mean, I pored over his phone records, I intercepted his credit-card bills...
...I had him followed on numerous occasions...
...and never found a single shred of evidence.
It wasn't until he died...
...that I found out about the property he owned with his Austrian mistress.
But the real master, I have to say, is me.
Three husbands, countless boyfriends, I haven't been caught yet.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God. I can't-- - Shh.
It's over there.
Oh, my God.
He liked the demo. I can't believe it.
It's unbelievable.
Did you hear when he said that it was hauntingly beautiful?
Yeah, I was there. I was--
I was there, baby.
Thank you.
Dana, I'm working. I'm still going over some offering statements. You gotta--
You gotta come back later.
It's not Dana.
Is that your--?
- Is that your--? - Shh.
Can you get in the closet?
- Get in the closet. - What?
Just go in the closet for a second. Just for a second.
Ben?
I keep telling Dana to get that damn lock fixed.
- Why do you even bother locking it? - What?
Why do you bother locking it?
Oh, you know I can't get any work done if I don't.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Can I come in? - Yeah, of course.
What are you doing?
Sit down.
Okay.
Hon?
What are you doing?
I don't know. I just thought...
...maybe we could--
- Sorry. - Are you okay?
Maybe if you just go over there.
Just trying to...
...you know, re-light the fire.
Oh, honey.
Didn't you hear what I said before? I really gotta finish these offerings.
Look...
...I'm really trying here.
Do you wanna save our marriage?
Of course.
Me too.
Tyrone, you cover 4 through 6 and pitch in with the bussers when you can.
Wait a minute. I'm on 8 through 10.
Hey, I been working here 18 months, 8 through 10.
Minor oversight.
Luis, you cover 4 through 6, then.
Dude, Luis quit like 10 months ago.
Yeah, he quit.
Is there any reason we're even having this meeting?
Not really.
- No, not for me. - Great. Good. Great.
Meeting adjourned.
Back to work.
Hey, Kelli Ann.
Did I get any calls?
Since you asked me 11 minutes ago, no. Not a lot of phone traffic.
- Oh, my God. - What?
What's her name?
Who?
The girl, Alex.
There's no girl.
You can't hide it, man.
I know strung out and you are strung out.
Okay, please.
This is amazing.
You can't focus, right?
Jumping every time your phone rings, checking your e-mail 100 times a day...
...wishing you could write songs.
No, feeling the need to bring up her name in random conversations.
It's always the same and it has happened to you, my friend.
Shit.
Welcome to my world, asshole.
Let me get the door.
Sure I can't interest you in a little beef and broccoli?
I gotta finish this stuff.
Okay.
- Yeah. So I'll see you at home. - Okay.
I love you.
I love you too.
- Okay. I'll see you later. Okay, bye. - Bye.
- You make me sick. - I had no choice.
- You're a disgusting excuse for a man! - What was I supposed to do?
- You're the one I wanna be-- - Don't touch me!
You will never touch me again.
Dino, thanks again for letting me pay over the phone.
I assure you this late-payment thing will never happen again.
Yep, just trying to trim some of the drama out of my life.
Oh, that's my other line.
Okay, bye.
- Hello? - Hi, Gigi?
This is Bill.
- Bill? - Alex's friend.
We were supposed to meet up but Alex told me the wrong day.
Bill, so you do exist.
I do.
And I'd love to buy you dinner sometime if you're still game.
Yes.
Sure, why not?
Hey.
Coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hi. Hi, sweetie.
See, why did you just call me "sweetie"?
- We always call each other that. - Why?
All right, look, I wanna say something, okay?
We call each other "sweetie" all the time.
And we fall asleep on the phone after talking for hours.
I washed your hair for you after you had shoulder surgery and everything.
And it's like we're together.
- I know that I've been-- - No, hold on a second.
Let me finish.
I think maybe this is my fault...
...because maybe I wasn't clear about exactly what I want.
So let me-- Let me be clear.
I love hanging out.
But I'm so attracted to you. I just-- I want both.
I don't know what happened or why we stopped. I don't care.
Okay.
- What? - Okay.
No, I'm talking about really doing this. Like a full-on relationship.
Right.
With me.
Yeah.
A bunch of gay people put you up to this?
Stop talking.
- Stay home. It's an end-around. - No, no, it's not. He's still got it.
He's still got it.
- Shit. - Who let that happen? It's embarrassing.
- Argh! - That is so embarrassing.
What?
Did any of you guys have a chance to get to the store?
Oh, yeah, no. We're good, we got takeout.
No, I didn't mean for you, I meant f--
- All right, here we go. - Come on, defense, wake up.
You have to be kidding me.
I just got a little bit more of this I gotta finish.
There's some laundry I'm gonna put away...
...then I had another load of clothes in the dryer.
I did get some of the food your dad likes, but some healthy stuff too.
Just, you know.
It's gonna be okay.
It'll be okay.
Bend your knee a little bit more. There you go.
Inhale, reverse warrior, look up.
Exhale.
Hi, you've reached Ben's cell phone. Please leave--
You lying sack of shit!
Lying!
Sack!
Shit!
Okay.
...or call my cell, or try me at work...
... but definitely leave a message here first. Thanks.
Hey, Gigi, it's Alex.
How's it going?
Just wondering how you're doing.
I haven't talked to you in a little while...
...and was just wondering how you're doing.
So, hey, I was hoping to talk to you.
Obviously.
But you're out, I guess.
So just call me sometime.
Or tonight.
I'm around, I'll be-- Well, I'm in and around.
So that's enough for now.
It's Alex.
Okay.
Dude.
I know.
Hey.
Welcome aboard.
Might I come aboard?
Yeah. You remember the boat.
Well, you know, I thought I did.
- Or, you know, little... - But it's been a while.
You know that dock? Over there, there's a boat that looks just like yours.
- Uh-huh. - It's not yours.
- No, that's not my boat. - It's definitely not.
But there's a very nice gentleman...
...living on the boat...
...who invited me in for a white-wine spritzer.
Oh, good.
Wasn't expecting visitors.
That's all right. I just wanted to just come by and say thanks...
...for helping yesterday.
Beth, you know, I'm the same person.
I would do anything for you.
I just can't give you...
I just can't give you what you want.
You're what I want.
Our life together is what I want.
I miss it.
I miss you.
You see those guys my sisters are married to--
You're more of a husband to me, not being married...
...than those real husbands are ever gonna be, and...
It's enough. It's really enough for me.
And you would be willing...
...to take the whole marriage thing off the table completely?
If you promise to commit to me and to love me, and--
- I already have. - I'm not finished.
Okay. All right.
- But I've loved you for seven years-- - Ah-ah.
Okay.
You have to snake the drain when my hair gets clogged.
You know that happens. Okay?
Okay. Yeah.
And also...
...you have to let me eat those Wheat Thins in bed. You gotta give me that.
- Okay, fine. All right. - Okay?
And...
- Yeah. - And?
- That's it. - Okay.
Do I get to come home now?
I guess you can.
But these cannot come.
- What, my pants--? - That's correct.
- Can't come home? Why? - No.
You just won a really big battle, my friend. Come on.
So we're not gonna get married, but I have to get rid of my pants.
Mm-hm. And we both win.
All right. I'll get rid of them if you like.
You're getting a lot of bids on this place?
Yeah. I know it's crazy, but it's a neighborhood in transition.
Is that like young, hip, gay couples or something like that?
Yeah. Hip gay people, young couples, young families.
Wow.
God, this reminds me of where I grew up.
I bet it's got one of the--
Wait a minute.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
We used to have the exact same one...
...except my mom used it as a desk.
So...
...when do all the fabulous people arrive?
Well, actually, the open house is tomorrow.
But I have this one buyer...
...and I wanted to make sure his girlfriend likes it first.
Oh, he has a girlfriend, huh?
Yeah, I have an idea.
For this house.
For me.
And hopefully, if you like it...
...and things continue to, you know...
Anna...
...I have a plan, okay?
I know where my life is going, and I want you to go with me.
I'm not saying I want you to move in right now...
...but I don't want to buy this place unless, at some point...
...you could see yourself moving in.
So, what do you think?
I can't do this.
Okay.
Well, if it's too fast, I guess we can always just--
I can't do any of this.
I mean...
...what you're saying and what you're offering...
...is what every girl wants.
It's what I always wanted.
It's just...
You don't want it with me.
Okay.
I have a question.
Is there any way we could...
...dial it back to before, when we were just sleeping together...
...because I don't know, I felt like that gelled.
Babe?
It was nice meeting you.
Thank you so much for a lovely evening.
You too.
Good night.
You forget something?
Yeah, I did.
Really? What did you forget?
This.
You came all the way here at 11:00 at night to bring me back a promotional pen?
Yeah.
I thought I should just come up with some really great excuse to get over here.
That's how it's done, isn't it?
Sometimes.
Look, I can't stop thinking about you.
It's a problem.
I drive by your place, I call and hang up.
I'm turning into--
Me.
Yeah.
A wise person once told me...
...that if a guy wants to be with a girl he will make it happen, no matter what.
That's true.
But when I was hurling my body onto yours...
...you did not seem to want to make it happen.
Yeah, all right. Here's the thing about that:
You were right.
I've gotten so used to keeping myself at a safe distance from all these women...
...and having the power...
...that I didn't know what it felt like...
...when I actually fell...
...for one of them.
I didn't know.
Look, I just went out with your friend Bill and...
Yeah.
He might be just exactly what I need.
No drama.
He calls, he does what he says.
- I can do that stuff too. - But you didn't.
And that same wise person told me that I am the rule.
That I have to stop thinking that every guy will change.
That I have to stop thinking that--
I'm the exception.
You are my exception.
Conor Barry.
Hi, it's Mary at the Blade.
I'm looking at your new ad and I love it.
Really? You don't think the muscle T is too much?
I think the shirt you're wearing now is probably more you.
What, you here?
I'm sitting right in front of you.
Wow, this is you. Mary.
It's me.
I'm me.
Should I--?
- Please. Please. - Okay.
- Talk to you in a minute. - See you in a second.
Okay.
Hey.
- Hi. - How are you?
It's nice to finally meet you.
- You too. - In person.
This is a pleasant surprise.
- You... - What?
- I don't know. Not what I expected. - My voice doesn't match my face?
Your voice does not match your face in a good way.
In a-- Yeah, I mean-- That sounded terrible.
Amazing.
I don't know how all this stuff fit in here before.
I know. It seems like it just expanded.
You are not trying to get these back in here.
- You are not getting rid of these pants. - We had a deal, mister.
These are not staying.
- You can store those horizontally. - Goodwill wouldn't even take these.
They could be pressed, flattened, you can--
If you're gonna throw them out, at least check the pockets, all right?
So you don't throw away some personal items.
I love you so much.
So much.
And I wanna make you happy.
I need to make you happy...
...for me to even have a shot at being happy.
Will you marry me?
Yes, of course I will. Yes.
Yes.
Thank God.
Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up:
If a guy punches you, he likes you.
Never try to trim your own bangs.
And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.
And your commitment to each other.
Every movie we see, every story we're told...
... implores us to wait for it.
The third act twist: The unexpected declaration of love.
The exception to the rule.
But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending...
... we don't learn how to read the signs.
How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't.
The ones who will stay from the ones who will leave.
- Hi. - Hi.
And maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy.
Maybe it's you...
... on your own...
... picking up the pieces and starting over.
Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.
Maybe the happy ending is just...
... moving on.
Baby, what are you doing? It's our turn. Forget the dip. Come on, come on.
Let's go, Alex.
Come on, Alex, your turn.
Ready? LOL.
Laugh out loud! We won!
Or maybe the happy ending is this:
Knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts...
... through all the blunders and misread signals...
... through all of the pain and embarrassment...
... you never, ever gave up hope.
Now that we are married...
We're gonna move.
Gonna move. That's one thing we're gonna do.
Another thing we're gonna do is move a little further away from...
- Baltimore? - Your sisters.
I mean, everyone makes mistakes.
I've started trying to figure out what I wanna do, who I wanna be, you know?
Probably seems the wrong time to do that, but why not? You know, why not?
Better later than never.
I'm dating now.
What do you miss most about marriage?
Have you been married?
Yes, I'm married.
- You are married? - I am married.
And what's your question?
- We're heading there, is that fair? - It's moving fast. Just on our way.
I like him, I'll say that L word.
That's true, it does start with an L. Yeah.
I like her a lot, so...
- Good, I'm glad. - I love her. I love her.
You know, what I've been focusing my energy on...
... is like a self-discovery, as opposed to dating.
I don't know. Maybe dating's a little overrated.
Good friend of mine and I are going to India for a few months.
We're going on a yoga retreat.
I really genuinely love this person--
He had asked me to co-host this party...
... and I stayed after.
I was trying to help you out because there was this girl who would not leave...
- ... that tall girl. - Right. She was gross.
I was trying to--
She was-- Come on.
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