(Mandy) My world was divided into two kingdoms.
There was Camelot,
and then there was where I lived.
(Man) Stay behind the red line until you are clear.
(siren blaring)
(Man) Only those with work visas for Camelot will be allowed to pass.
(Mandy) Which we call Nottingham,
as in not gated, not rich, not popular, not cool.
They didn't let us into their kingdom
and they'd rarely sully themselves by venturing into ours.
( "That Stuff")
On the day before my 18th birthday,
a terrible thought drifted into my head.
What if I remained a crusty nobody
for what little remained of my high school life?
My school's one of those where at least 96% of the girls
were in the hottie or high hottie bracket,
and most of the guys looked like
they wandered out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog.
And then there is Drew Patterson.
(sighs) I have been secretly in love with him since seventh grade.
All I wanted was for him to just simply acknowledge me.
To just say my name.
(alarm ringing)
But for that to happen,
for me to finish this march through hell they called high school
and go out with style, I needed skills.
I needed my Excalibur.
(Woman) Information is power.
(Mandy) The video phone.
With such a weapon in hand, I mightjust have a chance at becoming a somebody.
There'sjust one hideous criminal mastermind standing in my way.
- (knock on door) - Mandy, 7:22. Gonna be late.
(Mandy) My mom died when I was four.
And even though he loves me, Dad had issues about letting go.
(Tom) You want to make some kind of noise so I know you're all right?
- (coughs) - Thanks.
( "Sincerely Me" playing on car radio)
It's your birthday tomorrow, isn't it?
Yeah.
May have got a few surprises up my sleeve.
(cell phone ringing)
- Hello? - (Alexa) Mandy.
(static)
- Alexa? - Yeah.
What? Hello?
- I can't hear you. - What?
OK, I can't talk now.
- Dad. - Yeah?
I hope you know how much I seriously need a new phone.
- What? - I can't even begin to scheme or spy
or conspire like everyone else. It's such a burn. I'm in high school.
- I need survival skills. - Kitten, I...
I am socially handicapped with this relic.
I can't even send or receive pictures or video.
And can you possibly stop calling me kitten?
- What? - I'm gonna be 18 years, not months.
OK?
(school bell ringing)
Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.
Bye, kitten.
(Tom honking horn)
(cell phone ringing)
- Hello? - Mandy?
Cayenne.
- Have you seen Drew yet? - No, not yet.
He must have been a great warrior or a king in a past lifetime.
I could write a thousand songs about him
and I'd just be scratching the surface.
Mandy, he's right behind you.
(boy) What's up, Drew?
Good morning, Drew.
Hey, there.
Check it out.
It's kind of cute in a pathetic way.
Poor thing. Salivating over my Drew.
So sad, knowing her whole life she'll never know a hunk.
- You're mine. - (all exclaiming)
I can't believe you did that. Why didn't I think of it?
(Lisa) Check it out, granny panties up ahead.
This is Lisa Cross reporting live for the fashion challenged.
- (laughing) - Nice girdle, Granny.
( "Better")
(cell phones ringing)
So you'll keep remembering me
Better take a look at what you had
Better figure out something the next time
- When you keep remembering me - (bell ringing)
Evil One's cruelty knows no bounds. Your ass is on every phone in school.
Forget about him, Mandy, he's not only dating the Antichrist,
but he's upper crust. And we are trying to claw our way up to the middle-class.
He lives in a gated community.
We live in a dated community.
Mandy, are you even listening to me?
I don't care what you guys say. I'm gonna get Drew to notice me.
(whistle blowing)
The swim team? That's your plan to get the Adonis of high school to notice you?
You look like a whole new species.
Maybe someone from the Discovery Channel will notice you.
OK, the boys practice after sixth period in pool one, the girls, pool two.
It's at least a shot.
(groans)
I think you actually enjoy being a klutz,
because you know how much happiness it brings to others.
(heart beating)
(coughing)
(gasping)
(echoing) Are you all right, Mandy?
My name. You said my name.
Your hands...
Though tingly, maybe inappropriately placed while we're on school property.
Right. (chuckles)
I can't believe Drew actually noticed me.
You were dying. You were going
- into the light at his feet. - Well, it's a start.
(cell phone ringing)
- Hello? - Tell Mandy to hide, Lisa's here.
She's toxic. She'll put a curse on her or something.
In junior high, I heard she made it rain toads.
Alexa, what a pretty smock and a name tag.
(speaking French) Very red state.
Mandy's not here right now in case you...
I already saw her.
You need to work on your lying. It's a vital social skill.
- Mandy. - Hi.
I didn't know frizzy hair was back in.
Must be so humbling.
Schlepping dog food around for minimum wage.
You are such an inspiration.
Where are the dog collars?
- (whispering) Drew lost his. - Aisle four.
You know what she's doing, don't you?
She's trying to not so subtly show Drew you're just a lowly shop girl.
It's OK, I'm not ashamed of being a shop girl.
And caring for animals is not lowly.
Sorry about Lisa and her superiority complex.
- How you feeling? - Great.
- Thanks again for saving my life. - You're welcome.
So, you've got a thing for animals?
Yeah. Yeah, although Homo sapiens can be difficult.
I'm going to UCSB for zoology and then I'm gonna be a vet.
- How about you? - USC, business school.
The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree and all that.
- Cool, follow your dream and all that. - It's not my dream.
Maybe you can help me. My cat Andy's been feeling really funky.
Well, is his tummy pouched out, bloated?
Because if it is, he probably has worms. You might want to try this.
Six drops in every meal.
Thanks, doc. Maybe I'll see you around?
Yeah, maybe.
Where might you see me around, around where?
I don't know.
The commons, tomorrow after school?
See you.
( "All So Different")
Freshman varsity football, basketball, swim team.
Voted best hair, best eyes, best kisser.
(sighs) Drew Patterson at the commons tomorrow.
Who am I kidding? I'm so not ready for this.
(Tom) Mandy, do you want some breakfast?
(yawning)
( "Ode To Joy")
(cell phone ringing)
- Hello? - Do you like it?
- Are you kidding? I love it! - Yeah, I got one, too.
- Oh, my gosh. Thanks, Daddy. - Happy birthday, kitten.
Now we can stay in contact 24/7. It's gonna be great, right?
Yeah, yeah, it'll be cool. Here, make a mean face.
- You have your own special ring tone. - All right, gift number two.
Somebody, I think, asked for...
Contacts? Oh, my gosh. You have got to be kidding.
(Tom laughing)
Yes, I'm not sure why you need them. You're already too beautiful.
In fact, promise me you're not gonna go hang out
- with the delinquents at the lake. - Dad. OK, I won't. I promise.
I cannot wait to show Alexa and Cayenne this.
Oh, my gosh. Dad, you're the best.
And I'm going to the commons right after school.
OK, OK. Hey, wait, wait, wait.
There's one more birthday surprise, perhaps the bestest.
You know how you've been talking about going away to school, right?
Well, I think I may have found the perfect compromise.
I've been working on this for a long time. It's a duplex in Ventura.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can commute to UCSB. I can get to work.
It's the same distance, I'll show you on the computer.
Anyways, I'm down here in this level
and you have this whole top floor to yourself.
Huh?
Boy. Those two apartments
are so close.
- Right? - Yeah.
Just like you and me. It's perfect.
Hey, kitten, don't forget to floss.
(screaming)
I couldn't very well tell him that the concept was only
slightly less terrifying than being buried alive.
Especially after he just bought me this massively cool phone.
You are officially out of the Stone Age. You've evolved.
So, the plan is we find a suitable place for me to hang
and be irresistibly alluring.
And when we see him, we casually blurt out,
"We know where a certain sex goddess is."
Battle stations.
- (waitress) Here you go. - Thanks.
(Cayenne) What if he's just playing her? I mean, forgive me for feeling like
some teenage male as fresh as Drew might be a tad insincere,
but I don't want Mandy to get hurt.
And I keep schooling you, listen to the songs.
They tell all. People want to get hurt.
They're just begging to get their hearts broken.
What's up? Have you guys seen Mandy?
Oh. Um...
Hi, Drew.
(cell phone ringing)
- (Alexa) Mandy? - Yeah.
Alexa, speak. Use your words.
- At Jalapeno's. - Jalapeno's, great. Thanks.
Smile.
Yes.
Oh, my God. (panting)
Oh, my God. Mouth's burning. I need water, I need water. I need water!
Guzzling right from the bev bar. That is so Hercules.
- (chuckling) - Yes.
Well, we all have our special talents.
Do you want a drink? I could get you a beverage receptacle.
( "You Are Part of Everything")
A cup would be awesome. Thanks.
You know something funny?
Some guys actually try out for the boys' team,
'cause the girls practice in the pool next door.
They think they'll notice them or something.
(laughs) Wow.
That's a really doofus move. Lame.
- I like your laugh. - Thanks.
God, Lisa hardly ever laughs.
She's got a burning scream, though.
And when does she...
I mean, how do you know?
Oh! Uh...
Delete that, I so don't want to know unsavory details.
Scary movies. She screams at scary movies.
Scary movies. Duh.
- The new video phone? - Yeah.
Wow. Who's this scary dude?
- That's my dad. - Wow. OK.
- Big Father's watching you. - Yeah.
Look, do you want to hang out?
Well, what about Lisa?
Lisa doesn't own me. She just thinks she does.
We're having a kick-back. Meet me at the lake in 20?
Sure, 20.
At the lake.
- Hello. - Hey, sis.
Hey, Peyton. How you doing, buddy?
Good to... Why does he run to the other room every single time?
Because he knows you, you know. Children sense things.
And he senses that you're so busy being controlling and overbearing with Mandy,
you don't have time to bond with your own nephew.
I think that's unfair and judgmental.
You know, once Mandy goes off to college,
you won't be needing stuff in bulk like this anymore,
but you mightjust need a certain nephew to help you fill the void.
There's not gonna be a void. Oh, no.
Perhaps you haven't really embraced the concept of the plex.
You see, and let me explain this again...
God, you can't be serious about this duplex thing.
I'm very serious. And look at this.
I got one for Mandy and myself. We each have one.
So no matter where she goes, no matter what she does,
no matter who she's doing it with, I'm right there with her the whole time.
How genius is that?
- And you think that's a good thing? - Yeah.
God, she's not a little girl anymore, she's a woman, Tom.
- Yeah. - This is the time where you need to
- learn to let go, not hold on tighter. - I know that.
What, you think I don't know that?
No, you don't.
( "Day in the Sun")
Just having fun with my day in the sun
Taking offwith the wind in my hair
Make no plans, I have no...
(girl chattering on cell phone)
- Hey, have you seen Drew? - Do you mind?
Sorry, I can't hear you. Some idiot's talking to me.
(cell phone ringing)
- Hey, where are you? - To your left, I'll come to you.
(exclaims)
It's time to take the training wheels off, kiddo.
Hey.
Oh!
Lisa, sweetie.
We have a serious 91 1 situation on our hands.
(screaming)
( "Unstoppable")
(tires squealing)
That's me, I'm unstoppable
I've been wanting to ask you something.
Why did you want to hang out with me?
- I'm not really one of you people. - You people? Ouch!
No, no, no. I just meant, objectively speaking.
I'm not really your type, you know, whatsoever.
I'm not exactly a prom queen or anything.
Well,
maybe I dig you because you're not like everybody else.
And I feel like I can be myself around you.
And I like your eyes.
And...
Does a guy really have to explain why he thinks a girl's hot?
- You think I'm hot? - Totally.
I swear I'm gonna hurl.
(ringing)
I think it's Mandy's. She dropped it.
And that looks like a parental unit.
Hello? Who am I speaking to?
This is Mandy's father. Who am I speaking to?
It's Mandy's father.
Well, you're in luck. I think your little angel's around here somewhere.
Mandy, it's for you, sweetie.
(gasps) No!
(Tom) Hello, Mandy? Hello? Mandy, hello?
- Dad? - Yeah, hi. Where are you?
Uh...
- The commons. - Really? Show me.
- Excuse me? - Mandy, I need you to show me
a picture with your phone of the commons.
Now.
(Alexa) Hi.
I love what they've done with the place. I'll see you at home in ten minutes.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Sorry, I have to go. It was really nice knowing you.
- I hope you can make it to my funeral. - Wait. Look.
Saturday night, I'm having this party
and I was wondering if you wanted to come.
I'll leave your name at the gate.
- Wait, are you... - Asking you out?
Yes. Mandy, will you go out with me?
To your party?
I mean, the biggest, most glamorous, important party of the year?
- Me? - Yeah.
- With you? - Yeah.
So you'll come? I mean, what could possibly stop you?
You're grounded.
No! No, no, no. Dad, Dad, Dad. Wait. OK. You don't understand.
I can't be grounded, OK? OK, do you not get it?
Dad, he is like the hottest guy in school
and he asked me to his party this weekend, Dad.
Dad, it is Drew Patterson.
Drew Patterson, right. He's the rabid primate that was groping you.
It's amazing how you can watch these videos over and over and over.
- Dad, we are not bonding here. - The problem, Mandy,
is that this is just another example of how you don't listen.
As a matter of fact, you're double-grounded.
- Double-grounded? - I'm sorry, did I say double?
- 'Cause I meant triple. - Triple-grounded?
Yeah, 'cause you can't go out, you can't use your phone and you can't watch TV.
- Or use your computer. - That's four things.
Shall we go for five?
(Mandy) Trapped, a prisoner in my own home.
The only thing that keeps me going is the dream.
Call me.
- (gasps) - Mandy, you want some breakfast?
Just slide it under the door like all the other prisoners.
(cell phone buzzing)
What's that noise?
My electric tooth brush.
- I'm brushing my teeth. - Mmm-hmm.
- Hi. - Hey, the drops worked.
My cat Andy is totally cool now, thanks.
Check out my page on the Living Scrapbook website, OK?
- Sure. - You are coming tonight, aren't you?
Of course you are. I'm gonna grab some sick music.
- I'll see you tonight. - Bye.
Undeclared?
(screams)
You all right? I'm not deaf, you know.
I hear sounds. Conversations on the phone.
Grounded, come on.
Kitten.
Dad, is it possible that you're overreacting
with far too much aggression to such a minor transgression?
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Why, no, Alexa, she can't speak with you because she's grounded.
Not sure you got the memo.
- No, I'm not insane. - Yes, you are.
No, no, I'm sure it's an emergency. It's just that she's grounded.
That's why she can't talk to you.
Yeah, when you don't listen. I'll take this, Miss Consequences.
Breakfast, on the other hand, is out here, in case you want it.
(door closing)
Grounded. I can't believe I'm grounded.
(sighing)
What am I going to do?
I need a sign.
My Magic 8-Ball.
Magic 8-Ball, keeper of all wisdom,
speak to me in my time of need.
I've heard the siren song of a hot teenage male.
Is it my destiny to boldly venture forth to this party tonight?
Let me try that again.
But, of course.
( "Because I'm Awesome")
And I'll beat you
'Cause I'm awesome
- I'm a leader, I'm a winner - I'm a leader, I'm a winner
- And I'm cleaner - And I'm cleaner
- 'Cause I'm awesome - 'Cause I'm awesome
- I don't need you - I don't need you
- 'Cause I'm neat-o - 'Cause I'm neat-o
- And I'll beat you - And I'll beat you
'Cause I'm awesome, uh-huh
- Dad, I was just wondering... - The answer's no.
Fine.
I guess there is a first time for everything. Even a D minus.
- I'm sorry, what? - Oh.
- Now he listens. - Yeah.
OK, Dad. I have a totally for-real legitimate homework crisis.
I have to go to Alexa's house to study history and econ.
- We have finals. - So you expect me to believe
that on the night of this wildly important party,
you're gonna go out, but you're gonna study at Alexa's.
When life hands me a lemon,
that's you, I make lemonade,
by studying hard, so I can get good grades to get into a good school
and become a productive member of society.
Yeah, the lemon's not really buying that.
It's fine. I understand.
You don't trust me.
And even though that eviscerates my very well-being, it's fine.
I'll just stay here and wallow in despair.
Probably scar myself for life, but don't worry, OK?
- No. - I'm sure eventually, I'll forgive you,
by the time you start collecting Social Security.
But seriously, I have to study.
Let me ask you this, will Alexa's mom be there?
Yes.
So we'd have genuine authentic adult supervision.
All right, I'm gonna say OK.
But there are some rules.
First of all, you can have your phone back. That's exciting.
But you're not allowed to make any calls.
In fact, you're not allowed to receive any calls, other than from me.
And I'm gonna be calling every half hour.
You know, just to make sure
everything's going well with the studies.
Thanks, Dad. I really appreciate you trusting me so much
- you're putting me under phone arrest. - Well.
You've given a whole new meaning to the term cell phone.
- Enjoy. - And don't worry,
I don't need the car. I can just walk. It's not like the hills are crawling
with low-lifes or escaped mental patients,
convicts and gangsters with guns and knives.
Please take the car, I wouldn't have it any other way.
OK, if you insist.
But I need you to know that I'm not really a monster.
It's just that other than love, the most important thing
between a daughter and father is trust.
Of course, Dad. And I want to trust you.
Seriously, one more deception, you're staying here. There's no UCSB.
You're gonna live here and you're gonna go to junior college.
Study well.
I thought you said she was grounded.
(Blair) Well, that's what Teddy heard from Buck's sister.
(Lisa) So?
They have a friend who's in Cayenne's Spanish class.
That's great intel, guys.
(Lisa) What is she doing?
Why does she have a backpack?
- What's in her backpack? - Books?
No one carries books in a backpack.
That little wench is up to something.
( "Drive")
Loving it all, I've got it made
Now I'm the one who is ashamed
I had her heart It was in my hands
She didn't take her backpack.
(knock on door)
- You're here. It's a prison break. - If only.
You know those electronic cuffs they put on criminals' ankles?
This is worse. My dad's gonna call every half hour to check in on me.
Nail scissors.
No, thanks. I'm fine.
Get me nail scissors.
Pay attention. You might learn something.
(car door opening)
Your father is Big Brother and he's watching you.
My one shot at high school nirvana is blown.
( "Shadows of the Night" playing on TV)
- What are you watching? - Just reliving my glory year.
Ninth grade, the talent show. Cayenne and I rocked the house.
- It's been all downhill since then. - That is so not true.
If anything, you've gotten better. I've seen you play like a thousand times.
You could so be a big glamorous star right now.
Yeah, except for the minor detail of my vocal cords freezing,
the panic attacks and the projectile vomiting if I set foot on stage.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Alexa, do you have anything I can eat?
What, the Twinkies and the Skittles aren't gonna hold you?
(Alexa singing "Shadows of the Night" onTV)
- (Danny) So this Mandy Gilbert girl... - (boy) She's got some sweet boobsicles.
No wonder Drew's trying...
(Danny) Yeah, but she's not girlfriend material.
He'sjust gonna do her and drop her. You know, hit and run.
(boy) Yeah. Strictly a hump and dump. And then rush her out.
Hit and run?
Hump and dump? Rush her?
- (exclaiming in disgust) - Where did you find this?
Melissa Gilcrest was under the bleachers at school.
She just sent it to me, but... OK, I kept asking myself, you know,
what would a fly guy like Drew want with our dear sweet Mandy?
And then it hit me.
The ritual sacrifice.
What are you saying? Drew Patterson is an Aztec?
Definitely a descendant.
Because every year at the Patterson bash,
a Patterson boy takes a girl up to the tower
where he deflowers them in the shower.
OK. Drew is no different. He's gonna be just like his big brothers.
- That whole thing is stupid gossip. - It's more than gossip. It's a rumor.
I say we tell her.
I say you keep your mouth shut and let her dream.
Guys, it's 5:28. We've only got two minutes until my dad calls,
and I promised him your mom would be here. Where is she?
AA meeting. And then she's meeting Jennifer for a drink.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Home movies. Do you have any home movies of your mom?
I don't know. She hates being videotaped.
Come on, you have to have something. He's gonna call any minute.
(cell phone ringing)
- What the hell is that? - I got a million videotapes here.
- Hey, Dad. - Hey, Mandy, just checking in.
What you doing?
- (Alexa) '91 , no. '92, no. - Reading 1984.
Yeah, I'm right at the part where Winston is about to go stark raving mad.
You know, because he can't escape the relentless, meddling,
- intrusive gaze of Big Brother. - Oh, my God. Our first talent show.
- Hey, what's that? - (Alexa) We'll watch it.
There are boys there?
- Guys. Guys. - OK. Perfect.
Dad, no. There's no boys here. And Alexa's mom is around here somewhere.
Would it be too much trouble if I asked to see her?
Uh... All right, Dad.
All right. If you insist.
Kind of. I do. Yeah.
Get out of here! Out! Get out!
- Get out! - Jeez! Stop!
Mandy, thanks. I'll call back in a half hour.
But the... Yeah.
OK. Bye.
- (laughs) - Wow.
That was seriously insanely stressful. I cannot believe it worked.
You guys, we can do this.
We can totally punk my dad. He's only going to call twice an hour.
You think we can pull off such a radical punk?
Mandy, your rampaging hormones are making you delusional. Be reasonable.
Drew Patterson's waiting for me,
ergo, tonight's not about being reasonable.
- Lisa. - She scares me.
That vial she wears around her neck, it's got Marilyn Manson's blood in it.
- Marilyn Manson doesn't have blood. - (Cayenne) She's psycho, OK.
Don't go to the dark side, Mandy. That's just what she wants.
You're right. I'm not gonna get mad.
We're gonna go shopping.
We have to find a seriously wicked outfit.
Should've known trashing that crappy little rag wouldn't stop her.
She's probably gonna try and score some killer outfit.
What if she finds something outrageously cool?
Highly doubtful. But I'm not taking any chances.
Remember when Four Eyes ate that macadamia nut cookie in second grade,
and puffed up like a blowfish?
How am I gonna get her to chow down on it?
Tell her it's free. Tell her it's orgasmic, whatever.
Just make sure she puts it into her pie hole.
Are you kidding me? A $10 Scoopy Yogurt card just for trying this?
(exclaims) This is my lucky day.
It's like a sauna in there.
You know, I feel really bloated. I mean, nothing is looking good on me.
Mandy... Your face.
It's alive.
What's happening to you?
Jeez Louise, you guys. What is the big deal?
Oh, my God. I have butt face.
- (cell phone ringing) - It's my dad.
Hey, Dad. I know you probably want to see us hard at work.
So here it goes.
Great, girls. Keep up the good work. I'll call you back.
Bye.
It worked. I'm safe.
- (Lisa laughing) - Not for long.
- Butt face! - (all laughing)
- Butt face! - Butt face.
Crap, this is a nightmare.
Take some of my Lexadril. I use it for my allergies. It works.
Here.
(kids screaming)
(Mandy) It's amazing. It works, like, right away.
- Are you sure you're OK now? - I'm fine.
Easy.
Not too much. It makes you sleepy.
Don't be ridiculous, you guys. I'm not even tired.
There is no way I'm going to fall asleep.
- Mandy! - Mandy!
Mandy. Here.
- Have you seen Mandy? - She's not here.
- Your lying skills haven't improved. - We saw her at the makeup counter.
Her face was huge.
Well, if you happen to see her, tell her we'll miss her tonight.
- Come on. - That slut. She can't stop me.
I'm gonna beat her at her own game.
- Mandy. - Your face is better.
I need to get dry.
The Holy Grail.
Let us take a moment of silence for the perfect outfit.
I can't believe I just spent two months' paycheck on 20 ounces of fabric.
I am flat broke.
Why do I feel so fantastic?
(cell phone ringing)
Hey, Pop.
Yeah, I bet you're wondering what we're doing,
and we're still hitting the books. Let me show you.
Wow, looks like you guys haven't even moved.
Hello? What's happening?
- Well, I'm losing the signal. - Might be on your end or mine.
I'll call you back on Alexa's landline, all right?
Landline, landline. Plan B. We've got to get reception.
Now, finding that number.
There we go.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
(Alexa) Hello?
Hi, Alexa?
Yes.
Yeah, it's Mandy's father. Is Mandy there?
Uh-huh.
OK, could I speak with her, please?
Uh-huh.
Now. May I speak with her now? It's her father...
...calling.
Please hold. I have another call.
Hi. Sorry for putting you on hold, but it was my dad.
- Yeah. - I'll get Mandy for you.
Oh, darn, she's in the bathroom.
- Would you like to wait? - Would I like to wait?
Sure, I'd love to wait.
Come on, give me some bars.
Gosh. Thank you.
(dialing)
(cell phone ringing)
Hello?
Hey! What's going on here?
- Nothing. - Mandy.
Would you mind showing me that nothing?
Dad, I'm still in the bathroom. Do you want a play by play?
- I'll call you back in two minutes. - Yeah, that's fine. Hello?
Brown leather couch.
- Excuse me, these leather pieces are... - OK. Lamp, that one.
- And the room divider. - I don't have a room divider.
It's not like my dad knows that.
It's either the room divider or the rest of the furniture store. Move!
Fifty-two seconds until hell phone doomsday.
Thank you, always so helpful.
Just sit down. Take your shoes off. And act natural.
Stuff your face!
(Bruce) Are you girls part of some sort of reality show?
Um...
Bruce.
I promise to make a purchase, OK?
All you have to do is sit here, smile and wave.
Two minutes tops. Thank you.
Everybody settled?
- Should I be calling my agent? - No.
No. OK, just please go with the flow. And act fatherly and read the paper.
(cell phone ringing)
Yeah. Hi, Mandy. What's going on?
- Who's that man? - We're just hanging and...
Dad, don't be rude. You remember Alexa's step-dad?
Gerald.
He's a mortician.
Right. OK. I'm...
So I'll call you back in a half hour. Hello, Gerald.
OK. Bye.
- Oh, my gosh. - We rock.
Thank you, Bruce!
- Thanks, Bruce. - Thanks, Brucey.
Hey, whatever you girls are on, can I have some?
(laughing)
(man on PA) Bruce, please report to the manager's office.
(Lisa laughing)
Cinderella's carriage turned back into a pumpkin.
She is so smoked.
That'll teach her to mess with the Alpha Blonde.
Blair, I want you to spy on the schizoid.
- Make sure she's down and out. - Why me?
Because pretty eyes see better.
- Get out. - OK.
(Mandy) No!
(man) Don't bother begging or crying.
(Mandy) No, that's my car!
You can pick it up at the impound in an hour.
What goes in the truck stays in the truck.
It'll be about $300.
Talk about a nail in the coffin.
- No. We've got to get the money. - How?
(playing rock music)
Mandy, I feel dizzy.
Like I'm gonna pass out and wake up in a pool of my own making.
You say that like it's a bad thing. Look at the crowd. They love it.
(singer) Thank you. Don't forget to vote for us.
Alexa. Alexa, think about it.
Which one of us has the skills here?
- Thank you very much. - You're right, I...
I'm gonna... I'm gonna take one for the team.
- Good. - I got it.
You're Dead Meat?
- How did you guess? - You're on.
Time to take the training wheels off, kiddo.
Come on, Alexa!
I can't sing.
(audience booing)
I don't got it.
- You do it. - Me?
- (Mandy) No, you do it. - (Alexa) I can't. Brain fading fast.
Let's go!
You said, oh, girl It's a cold world
When you keep it all to yourself
I said, you can't hide on the inside
All the pain you've ever felt
Ransom my heart, baby Don't look back
'Cause we got nobody else
We're running with the shadows of the night
So, baby, take my hand It'll be all right
Surrender all your dreams to me tonight
They'll come true in the end
Stop!
My dad.
If everybody could please be quiet?
I'm asking nicely.
Yo, I said quiet!
Thanks.
I'm 18 years old and I've never been in love.
Never even been kissed,
but right now, I have the chance to be with this really,
really amazing guy.
But my dad's car got towed, and I need 300 bucks.
And he's gonna call me on my video phone any second.
And if I can't convince him that I'm anywhere but here, I'm screwed.
My life is over.
Do you understand?
So I'm begging you.
I'm asking you to just please...
Please help me.
- (cell phone ringing) - That's my dad.
Please, just... Please, help me.
- Hi, Daddy. - Hey, Mandy.
Listen.
About the duplex. You know, it really is just one option.
- And it's a darn fine one, Dad. - Yeah.
- So, what are you girls doing? - Uh...
We're taking a break and...
...we're watching a DVD.
- Oh, yeah, which one? - Um...
Dance Like You Mean It 2.
- What? - (audience) What?
Cool.
Hey, do me a favor. Point your video camera at the DVD.
I want to see how good this looks on the phone. All right?
(inaudible)
(playing "Shadows of the Night")
(Tom) That's weird, the...
The clock in the DVD says 7:32, and it's 7:32.
Wow. Go figure.
Yeah. Do me a favor and let the DVD
play a little longer and then pause it.
All right. I'm taping and now I'm pausing.
Huh.
That's...
That's a fine DVD.
- OK. - OK.
I'll talk to you in a half hour.
- Bye, Dad. - Bye.
(all laughing)
(all applauding)
Thank you so, so much.
You know that sometimes it feels like
It's all moving way too fast
Use every alibi and words you deny
That love ain't meant to last
You can cry tough, baby It's all right
You can let me down easy But not tonight
We're running with the shadows of the night
So, baby, take my hand It'll be all right
Surrender all your dreams to me tonight
They'll come true in the end
(all cheering)
Yeah, I know. I'm watching it and I don't believe it.
(doorbell ringing)
Hey, hey. There he is. How you doing, buddy?
Give me some of that, or not.
He's fantastic. Well, he just knows to run away.
What are you gonna do all day?
Shopping, then yoga, then more shopping.
You know, the more I spend, the harder Ray has to work
and the less I have to see him.
I figure about two more maxed-out Visas and... He's gone.
- That's a nice plan. - Thank you very much.
We're gonna be here bonding. You don't worry about a thing.
- Go. I got it. - Good. Thank you
- I need the break. - You're welcome. All right.
- You're a good uncle. - No problem.
- See you. - Bye.
- (door closing) - Just gonna be us now.
- Where is she? - She hasn't come out yet.
(man) Congratulations to our Battle of the Bands winner, Dead Meat.
Oh, my God. She's a zombie. She keeps rising up from the dead.
(Kimberly) Where did she get that outfit?
- Are you seeing this? - (Lisa) Do I look blind?
That poser almost looks hot. Damn her.
Lenny? This is Lisa Cross.
There's a wacko stalking Drew. She just escaped from the nut house.
She's driving this ugly old American car.
- License... - 1TAH-498.
- I'm really good with numbers. - I thought you failed math?
- I lied. - Her license is 1TAH-498.
She's with two other punk-ass girls. Don't let her in.
- I am so in awe of you. - Save it.
Let's get our butts to the mall. That outfit is mine.
Hey.
What do you got there? You wanna put that back?
- Yeah? No? - No.
Don't you...
Don't take one more step.
Listen to me. You are not going to break that.
You're going to put it down or you're going to give it to me.
- No. - But you are not...
Peyton.
One of us is gonna blink and it's not gonna be me.
- Peyton, get back here. - (glass breaking)
(Tom groaning)
Ow, ow!
Hold it right there, please, ladies. Hold it right there, please.
Nice try, but I saw your license plate and I've been tipped off.
- What do you mean, tipped off? - It was so Lisa and her cult.
You're the wacko stalking Drew Patterson.
No, no, no, you have me confused with some other wacko.
- He invited me, I'm on the list. - You're on the list all right.
Look. I'm gonna call the cops, all right?
So why don't you just back away and back off.
Mandy. Maybe itjust wasn't meant to be. You know?
The only list we're on is the loser list.
My whole life I've been on the loser list.
Lisa, it's Lenny.
Thanks, Lenny.
She just won't give up. She's like a pit bull with boobs.
Time to get a little more proactive.
Peyton.
Game over, buddy.
(cell phone ringing)
- Yeah, hello. - Hi. May I please talk to Mandy?
Yeah, well, no. She's not here. She's at Alexa's house.
Really? She was supposed to be here with the booze an hour ago.
- Booze? What booze? - Oh, well. Have a nice night.
No, no, no. Don't hang up.
Hello?
(cell phone ringing)
Big Father again.
- It can't be. I still got six minutes. - Pull over.
(honking)
I can't. Give me my sweatshirt.
Hey, Dad. What's up?
Just having fun. How about you?
Hey, got any booze?
Why? Are you running low?
Come on, Dad, you know I wouldn't do that.
Hey, what's that? You're not driving in a car, are you?
No, I'm looking for a CD.
Here, look.
No hands. No eyes.
Let me see the keys.
Uh... Sure, the keys. Right.
See? Dad, now, think about it.
I couldn't very well be zooming down the street
with no hands on the wheels, covering my eyes
and dangling the keys, now, could I? Jeez. A little trust would be nice.
(Tom) Yeah, I don't know what's the matter with me.
- You know, with you graduating... - Yeah, I know, Dad.
I really want to nail my econ final, so I have to go hit the books. Bye.
- Hey, Mandy. - Yes, Dad.
- Love you. - Love you, too, bye.
- Put the keys back in. - I'm... Hey, I'm...
(groaning)
Guys, come on. Guys, seriously.
(Cayenne screaming) Start, come on!
(all screaming)
Hey. There you are, good one.
Look at you, you're gonna be an architect. Nice.
What are you... What are you... Well, don't do that.
All right.
That's not fair. No, no, no, no, no.
OK. Look at me now. Look at me now.
Hey.
Hey, no, no. Oh, no, no.
Seriously, I'll go onto the roof.
This is getting weird.
Getting weird? We crossed the line from desperation to deranged hours ago.
OK? We almost died.
A rational person would take that as a sign.
A sign.
This. This is a sign.
A sign I shouldn't give up.
Yeah, you know it's not a toy.
I'm not upset that you broke it. But I worked on it for a very long time,
and you destroyed it in a matter of seconds.
Yeah, that's not upsetting at all.
Why don't we just sit here, take a little time-out.
Let's see ifwe can't entertain you for a couple of minutes.
- (Peyton chuckles) - Keep your hands off...
Sesame Street is always good, as is Barney.
What do we have here?
This might be interesting.
All I need is for you to sit there...
...and not break things.
You're still behind me, right?
(woman on TV) Doing great.
Good, good. One more push.
(grunting)
(doctor) Yes, good, good, good.
One more, one...
That's good.
It's a girl.
Cut the cord, Mr. Gilbert.
Mr. Gilbert?
Mr. Gilbert.
(Tom) You're rolling. Got it, sis?
- (Marsha) Yeah, I got it, go. - OK, eyes closed.
I'll walk you over the step. Your big birthday... Step. There you go.
Birthday surprise coming up. Keep those eyes closed.
And open your eyes.
- Happy birthday, kitten! - (Marsha) Happy birthday, Mandy!
- Is that for me? - Yes.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- It's the best bike ever! - I know.
- Can I try it? Let's try it. - Yes, yes, it's yours. Happy birthday!
- Got it? - (Marsha) Yeah, I got, I got it.
- OK, Daddy, let go. - I know, you got it.
Daddy, you can let go now.
- You got... - Daddy, I got it!
OK, OK, there you go.
You got it. You're on your own. You got it!
(Marsha whooping)
You're doing it. You don't need me, that's great.
Look at her.
(Lenny exclaiming)
(Spanish song playing on radio)
(speaking French)
(speaking Spanish)
Germans.
Go right ahead, ladies.
- I can't believe it. We made it in. - Of course.
(whooping)
(Peyton laughing)
(music playing on TV)
(man on TV) Are you ready for Babes Gone Bonkerz?
(woman) Bring it on, baby.
You want to meet the twins?
Do you want to meet the twins?
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. - Let's...
Let's not tell your mom about this. OK? What do you say?
Let's play a new game. We're gonna play hide and seek.
Yeah, sound good? What do you say?
You hide, and I'm gonna count to a really big number,
and then I'll come find you. Ready? Go hide.
( "Tell Me You Love Me")
Tell me all your dreams that you wanna come true
I listen to you sing while I pretend
You tell me all your lies but you can't
Tell me you love me
Just tell me you love me
I remember one day when we laughed out loud
When I saw your face in a faceless crowd
You hit me like lightning
And your words are frightening
(Alexa) Queen of Darkness jacked your outfit.
That's it. It's over.
Listen. It's for the best.
We saw a video and...
...Danny Sherpil called you a hump and dump
and said Drew was gonna hit and run.
- What? - The Patterson Legend?
The virginal sacrifice? Every year at this party,
a Patterson male has a girl meet him in the tower.
And he gets her into the shower.
Maybe he wasn't even gonna start the shower.
Well, if he does, you know he's got a whole lot more planned
than a shampoo and cream rinse.
Mandy, if you were to walk up those stairs, everyone would know,
and unless he fell head over heels in love with you and dumped Lisa,
you'd forever be a tower girl, and be even more shunned than usual.
Trust me, Lisa did you a favor by jacking your baby.
Yeah. Yeah, you guys are right.
Itjust wasn't meant to be.
- You're wrong. - OK, I'm confused.
I know. I know what Danny Sherpil said.
And I know what I've been saying all night,
but, Mandy, the Force is with you.
Look at the facts, you've survived a butt face, a near drowning,
you entirely rearranged the furniture department at Morrison's.
OK, you conquered a bar full of drunks.
You survived a death car on the freeway.
And against all odds, you have done the impossible
and totally phone-punked your dad.
- Yeah. - So on the contrary, Mandy...
...this whole night was meant to be.
- You really think so? - Yes. I do.
- Holy crap, Cayenne. - You are full of surprises.
Thank you.
(cloth tearing)
Peyton. Ready or not, here I come.
I'm gonna find you, buddy.
Where are you? Here I come.
I'm gonna find you.
You're not in here, are you? No.
Wasting time in that room. Maybe in here.
Am I getting warmer, buddy?
- You in here somewhere? - (cell phone ringing)
- Hello. - Hi, it's me.
- Marsha. - Guess what I just got?
A brand new video phone, like yours and Mandy's.
- Really? - Yep. How're you guys getting along?
Oh, terrific.
He's...
- ...sleeping. - You hesitated.
That means you're lying, I can always tell when you're lying.
What's he wearing?
The Spidey-Hulk-Bat thingy.
You are so busted, that's not what he's wearing.
Which means you're not in the same room with him.
- Show him to me. - What do you mean?
You heard me. Shoot a video like you do with Mandy.
Right. OK, well, it's just I'm hopping to the bathroom, literally, right now.
So let me call you back in two minutes with that. OK? All right.
Peyton, buddy, where are you? Come on, work with me.
I gotta find you now, buddy. She's gonna call back.
She's gonna call back any second. Come on, seriously.
A little help, pal. Peyton.
Man, this is not right. This is not happening to me.
What am I doing? Peyton, Peyton.
( "Shiver")
I can tell exactly how your thing's gonna end
I see you chilling but you're still unaware
But, boy, I'm coming for you So you better stay aware
There's no escape if you even try to run
Forget, forget It's already begun
I wanna taste your love
Oh, I'm gonna turn you on
Make sure there's no time
Oh, I'm gonna make you shiver
You made it. Any trouble getting here?
No, piece of cake.
Here we go, we'll improvise. Ready, yeah.
Yeah, you wanna play it that way? That's what we'll do, then. How's that?
- (cell phone ringing) - Yes, hello.
All right, let's see him.
Well, you know, he's asleep as I said and...
And quite frankly, you know, it doesn't seem like you trust me.
I'm actually offended by that, that you would not trust me.
And like I said, he's asleep.
I'm on the fast track of getting really cranky here, big brother.
All right, OK, fine. I'm going in the bedroom there.
Look at him in bed, he looks so adorable.
He's...
He's so still.
Normally he tosses and turns like crazy when he sleeps.
Oh, he does?
Well, maybe he's just sleeping really soundly.
- See, I told you. - Oh, yeah. Gosh, you're right.
Maybe he's having a bad dream. Maybe you should wake him up.
Oh, sis, gosh, I don't know, I mean...
Honestly, it took so long to get him to go to sleep,
I would hate to be the cause of him waking up.
OK, let him sleep.
Yeah. Let's let him sleep. I'll talk to you later.
(sighing)
I lost the kid. Why can't I just tell her I lost the kid?
I lost control of my daughter.
I've lost control of my life.
(sighing) Peyton.
Peyton, I don't want to be a crummy uncle, I want to be a great uncle.
I could be a great uncle, if I could just find you.
(Peyton laughing)
Gosh, I wonder where Peyton is.
- You found me. - I sure did. (laughing)
There you are.
You like that?
Pretty tasty.
It's almost 9:00.
Time to call Mandy.
( "Some Place to Fall")
Some place to fall
No pain at all
I know I'm home when I'm next to you
(Drew) I can't believe I've been out of your orbit for four years.
(Mandy) Yeah, well, I haven't exactly been what you call a rising star.
You are tonight. You're the most beautiful girl here.
Drew, I don't have to be the most beautiful.
I'd just like to be somebody to you.
You are.
Do you wanna go somewhere we can be alone? Just the two of us?
( "Your Ride")
Um... I'm expecting a call.
OK, I'll meet you up there.
Your dad's gonna call, like, in a minute.
We have to punk him one more time.
No.
No, it's time to take a stand.
I'm gonna tell him that I'm gonna do what I want, when I want.
I mean, how could I even trust myself if he can't trust me?
- (dialing) - What in God's name are you doing?
Sexual tension. It's just too much for her, she's snapped.
(cell phone ringing)
- Hello. - Daddy. Are you OK?
Yes, I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm just whispering because I finally got Peyton to go to sleep.
Hey, Mandy, listen.
When I raised you, I did an OKjob, right?
I mean, on a scale of one to ten,
I was probably an eight.
I mean, I was at least an eight, right?
I mean, it wouldn't be a five.
Dad, you're a ten.
Really?
Cross my heart.
Why didn't you call me?
Well, because...
...I trust you.
Yeah.
Oh.
OK.
Well, I guess I'll go.
- Dad? - Yeah?
Thanks for not calling.
OK.
- Hey. - Hey.
Every time I see you, I like you even more.
Thanks.
- So, this is the tower. - Yeah.
(Mandy) Wow.
That's cool.
That's a good one.
- That's... - My favorite.
(Kimberley and Blair chanting)
- Drew, you are one of us. - Drew, you are one of us.
(Lisa) She took you away.
- Drew, you are one of us. - Drew, you are one of us.
(Lisa) Come back to us.
What is she doing?
She's using Marilyn Manson's blood to put a curse on Mandy.
I told you, she is a real witch.
It's payback time.
Come back.
Come back to us.
- Drew, you are one of us. - Drew, you are one of us.
(Lisa) Come to me, Drew.
Come back.
She stole you away from me.
- Drew, you are one of us. - Drew, you are one of us.
(Lisa) Leave her. Come back to me, Drew.
She is bad.
Come back to me.
- Drew, you are one of us. - Drew, you are one of us.
(gulping)
- Drew, you are one of us. - Drew, you are one of us.
(Lisa) I don't feel so good.
(Lisa coughing)
(laughing)
I can feel your heart beating.
So can I.
Drew.
You're the most handsome, coolest guy I've ever met.
I've dreamt about this a thousand times, but...
My hands are sweating.
Would you excuse me?
"My palms are sweating"? Come on, Drew.
God. OK, water, water.
(water running)
(exclaims)
( "Fragile Tough Girl")
But now I hurt so bad
You think you have friends that you
Don't really have
I can take a slap like the best ofthem
But when it hurts too much to feel
Oh, I just dress my heart up
In these bandages of steel
Oh, I'm a fragile tough girl
Mandy?
(all laughing)
(boy) Awesome spew.
Lisa Cross, the vomit queen.
How you feeling?
That was so incredibly mean and sneaky and underhanded.
I know, and I feel just wonderful.
- Wonderful. - Did you see her face?
They're ridiculous.
- How'd it go? - Let's just get out of here.
(door closing)
I know you're waiting up. Ready to pounce.
Yeah, you're right, I couldn't sleep.
But I want you to know that I don't wanna know.
- You don't wanna know what? - It's none of my business.
I mean, I feel bad that I tried to make it my business.
Remember when you said that I was a good dad and that I was a ten?
Yeah.
Well, I finally listened
and I just sort of realized at some point tonight,
I did the best I could.
And then everything felt like it was gonna be OK.
And then, well...
...I have something to show you.
Step into my office. I made a few changes.
Now, it's modular.
No longer attached.
Detachable.
Dad...
...I don't want to be detachable.
It's just that I'm so sorry about being paranoid and overbearing
and ridiculous and...
Keep going, you're on a roll.
- Control freak. - Very good.
Thanks.
You know how you always say I never listen to you?
- Well... - Well, at this one particular moment...
Kind of a critical mass kind of thing,
when I wasn't sure, you know, what to do...
...I just listened to my heart.
I was listening to you.
Sweetie.
Get some sleep.
So you could've had this boy, this Drew Patterson.
This every-girl's-fantasy.
- And turning him down means... - Social suicide.
I'm sorry.
Dad, it was my choice.
You let me make it.
Thanks.
(sighs)
(Mandy) Once again, I had to walk as a ghost on the grounds of high school.
For I, a humble peasant girl, had done the unthinkable.
I had spurned the crown prince of Camelot.
The repercussions of which would no doubt haunt me for weeks to come.
All right, all right, listen up.
This is the moment we've all been waiting for.
Senior prince, Drew Patterson,
will now crown his princess.
Drew.
Come on, man, what's up?
If you do this, you're no longer one of us.
Come.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.
Come with me, please.
(Alexa and Cayenne giggling)
Why are you doing this?
With all these people around, I figured you might not say no to me.
And I could do this.
And this.
( "Pictures of You")
Pictures of me
Hung up on your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Hung up on your wall for the world to see
Confess to me
Every secret moment
Every stolen promise you've believed
Confess to me
All that lies between us
All that lies between, you and me
We are the boxers in the ring
We are the bells that never sing
There is a title we cant win
No matter how hard we must swing
Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Hung up on your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Remind us all ofwhat we could have been
Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Hung up on your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you
Remind us all ofwhat we could have been
What could have been
We could have been
Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Remind us all ofwhat we could have been
We could have been