Downloaded from GlowGaze.Com
Submitted here is the story of a little boy, and a magical christmas wish,
that changed his life... forever.
It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston.
It was christmas eve, and all the children were in high spirits.
That special time of year, when Boston children gather together
- and beat up the jewish kids. - Hey greenbob! Get him!
But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits,
little John Bennett.
That one boy in every neighbourhood, who just has a tough time making friends.
Hey guys, can I play?
- Get out of here bennet! - Get lost bennet!
- Get out of here bennet. - Yeah bennet, get lost.
John longed with all his heart, for that one true friend that he could call his own
and he knew that if he ever found that friend, he would ever let him go
well, as it does every year, christams morning finally came
all of the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee
and for little John bennet, christams day brought a very special new arrival.
Wow.i guess santa payed attention to how good you were this year huh...
aww, merry christams John.
"I love you."
He talks.
I'm gonna name you Teddy.
John became instantly attached to teddy, there was something about that bear
that made him feel as if he finally had a friend.
With whom he could share his deepest secrets.
"I love you"
I love you too teddy
you know, I wish you could really talk to me
because then we could be best friends forever and ever
now if theres one thing you can be sure of,
its that nothing is more powerful than a young boys wish
except an apache helicopter... an apache helicopter
has machine guns and missiles
it is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry.
An absolute death machine.
Well, as it turned out, John had picked a perfect night to make a wish.
Teddy...
Teddy?
Hug me.
You're my best friend John.
Did you... did you just talk...
don't look so surprised, your the one who wished for it arent you?
Yeah... I did wish for it.
Well, here I am...
you mean... we get to be best friends for real?
For... real.
Forever and ever?
Sounds good to me
John was just about the happiest boy in the world.
And he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news
mom... dad... guess what, my teddy bears alive
really... oh isnt that exciting...
No mom, he's really alive. Look.
Merry christmas everybody
Jesus H Fuck... Lets all be best friends.
Oh my god.
Get away from that thing, get over here right now.
But dad... Get over here!
- Listen to your father, come here. - Helen, get my gun.
Dad, no!
Is it a hugging gun?
Helen, get my gun and call the police
im sorry mr bennet, I didn't mean to scare anybody
I just wanted john and I to be friends
yeah dad, I made a wish last night that teddy was alive, and my wish came true.
Oh god.
It's a miracle.
It's a christmas miracle.
You're just like the baby Jesus.
Well it wasnt long before the news of Johns little miracle was sweeping the nation
out of a Boston suburb comes, what is without doubt the most incredible story
a young boys stuffed animal, has magically come to life for unknown reasons.
LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! LOOK WHAT JESUS DID!
Before long, teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right.
Hello, Teddy.
You surprise me, for some reason I thought you were going to be taller
I thought you were going to be funnier.
But for all the fame, teddy never forgot his very best friend, John
the thunder cant get us, right?
Nope. Were thunder buddys. And the thunder knows it
were totally safe.
- Teddy. - Yeah, John?
Do you promise that we'll always be together?
I promise.
Thunder buddys for life
thunder buddys for life.
And that was a promise that niether one of them forgot
So... where are John and teddy today?
Well, let me put it this way
no matter how big a splash you make in this world, weather your a
Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber...
or a talking teddy bear... eventually nobody gives a shit.
TED
Look, all im saying is that Boston women are, on the whole,
a paler uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.
That's bullshit... what about Lori? She's hot.
No Lori's from Pennsylvania thats not a Boston girl
there not that bad...
see, the fact that you have to say there not that bad, means that they are that bad
you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? Oh yah, oh yah, hardar hardar
oh god... that was so good. Now im gonna stuff my fucking face with pepper flan
jesus this is weak, not even getting me high
im gonna have a talk with my weed guy
working for me...
I think it sucks, im gonna have a talk with him
I don't know you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints
ive known this guy a long time,
ive known him since 9-11
you remember?, I was like, aww shit 9-11, I gotta get high
is it 9.30? - yeah...
shit, I gotta get to work
I don't know if I can drive.
It's ok. I'll drive you. I feel fine.
- Fuck. - Aww, shit.
Aww, Johnny I'm sorry man, that car just came out of nowhere.
Aww, god is it bad?
- John, may I speak with you please? - Shit.
Its alright, go go go. I'll pull out of here
hi Thomas, how are yah.
Asshole!
Thats my bad, I was sending a tweet.
John, its almost 10 o'clock
I know sir, im sorry it wasnt my fault
what do you mean?
Well I..i guess I wasnt prepared for a follow up question
John, all you got to do is not fuck up
and you get my job when I go to corporate next month
your the new branch manager
all you gotta do, is not fuck up...
I realise now. Good, glad to hear it.
Cos in a month... my life, could be your life.
A cushy 38 thousand dollar a year branch manager,
whos personal friends with Tom Scarritt.
Not a bad life is it?
No.
Let me show you something I don't like showing people,
'cos I don't want them treating me differently.
Boom! Thats me and scarritt wow...
god damn right wow
im gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late today alright
try and be a little more responsable tomorrow
I will sir, I promise.
"Not gonna let you down goose"
what?
Top Gun... so... Tom Scarritt...
I know that get out of here ok
thank you sir
and heres your keys, rental agreement, complimentary map of Boston
than you for choosing liberty, drive safely
thanks - thanks so much.
Heard you got busted...
jesus Guy, you look like shit man what happened?
I don't know, I got fucking wasted last night
and my phone says I texted someone at 3.15, asking them to beat me up
and then at 4.30 I texted the same person saying thanks.
- And you don't remember it? - No, same as last time.
It just seems kind of gay doesn't it?
I don't know, maybe yeah.
Do you think your part of some gay beat up underworld?
Like one of those gay beat up clubs or something?
I don't now, I dig chicks man, I don't remember any of it
I was so fucked up. I might be gay I don't know.
Do you mind covering for me for a bit?
I might go lay down in the John
hey buddys, wheres it hanging? Hey Alex
what's up? You get in the club last night?
Ahh, I didn't get in because the bouncer was douche face
but I make friends in the line
well thats good I guess.
Hey guys, anybody know a nice restaurant?
Like something where they give out free bubblegum in the bathrooms.
For what?
Lori and I have been dating 4 years tomorrow.
I wanna take her some place really nice.
Aw, congratulations John.
You guys have been going out for 4 years? My last relationship lasted 6 months.
Then she farted in her sleep. I'm like, I'm out of here man.
And I was gone before she woke up.
Wow your not very tolerant huh...
Lori ever fart in front of you?
Yeah.
- Really? - A million times.
You italian?
No.
Why?
Nevermind, take her to biniarta
John look, don't you think after 4 years maybe
shes hoping for something more than dinner?
Like what?
I don't know. But if it were me, id be expecting a proposal
oh come on, no ones expecting anybody to propose...
I mean marriage isnt... i mean... isnt love enough? I submit love is enough
you can put the ring in her ass... and let her fart it out?
So bad, but so good...
Hey by the way, don't let me forget you and I got to
nail down a plan for the ruins game tomorrow night.
Oh no I cant, I'm taking Lori to dinner.
For what?
Well, weve been dating 4 years tomorrow.
Ohh... fuck me, nice.
Let me ask you something,
you don't think shes going to be expecting something big, do you?
- What... like anal? - No...
like a circular gold thing on the finger.
Oh fuck that. Its been 4 years Johnny you and me have been together for 27 years.
Wheres my ring?
Huh... wheres my ring asshole...
wheres my ring motherfucker? Put it on my
- fuzzy finger you fuck. - Alright knock it off
I'm just sayin...
do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move?
No no no, I don't think
and not only that, its the wrong time
its a terrible idea, you got the economy, you
got the credit bubble, the supreme court
look at Haiti
I guess I didn't think about that.
Well, you know, it's a factor.
Who are you? -Flash Gordon, quarterback, New York Jets.
This is the american fantasy right here.
A professional NFL player is called upon to save the world. -Yeah.
Tom Brady could do that...
Tom Brady could do that.
- Hey. - Hey sweetie.
Hey, Lori.
Hi.
- What you got there? - Turkey burgers
oh turkey burgers, are we having homosexuals over for dinner?
- Tonight is it? - Ha, no just you homos.
You kinda just re-worded my joke, but haaaa.
- How was work? - Oh it was fine
hows your dickhead boss?
Rex, is fine. He only hit on me once today so,
its a good thing
hey Johnny how bout a beer huh?
Oh couple of chowbukowskis...
couple of brewstoievskis...
maybe a mibrewstowsky?
Perhaps a teddybrewski... thats a good one
I think I too want a martina navratilovaski
oh... no no no that doesn't work.
Bullshit... that totally worked... no, no
yeah it does, - it doesn't work
the name has to have a ski at the end of it, and you
just put brewski at the end of martina navratilova
I just thought we were saying funny names.
No, no. It has to have ski at the end of it, otherwise where's the challange?
If theres no ski at the end of the root word,
then we'd just be idiots saying nonsense.
- Hey. - They found the missing hikers.
- They did? - Yeah. -What happened?
They said
they got seperated, and one of them had there
foot stuck under a rock for like 5 days
you know, if your leg got trapped under a rock, id chew it off to get you free
- you would? - I sure would
is that cannibalism?
No, I think its only cannibalism if you swallow.
Oh yeah, don't worry about that, 'cos I don't swallow.
Really? 'Cos that's not what I heard.
Well its not true ok, im a classy broad
yeah I can see that
umm, listen, speaking of classy chow bellas a really expensive restaurant
so we can go anywhere else tomorrow. I really don't care as long as were together
are you kidding me?
No, 4 years we've been going out... im taking you to the best place in town
I love you I love you too. And your nasty
you wanna get nasty?
Nasty girl
I don't understand...35 years old and your still scared of a little thunder
I am not
thunder buddys for life right Johnny. Fucking right.
Alright come on lets sing the thunder song
when you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.
Just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words
fuck you thunder... you can suck my dick,
you cant get me thunder, cos your just gods fart
hey Lori... can you set the alarm for 11 A.M?
I got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow
hi Lori
morning
ok you ok there sweetheart?
You look a little flustered
im fine, I just didn't have time for breakfast
and the garage was full ohh and thats right, my boyfriend
cant sleep through a thunder storm without his teddybear
I don't understand why you keep putting up with him...
yeah, the guys 35 and hes working for a rental car service...
you guys, its not about that. I don't care about that
id love him if he was a janitor
he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot
its just a bonus that hes like the hottest guy in Boston
I don't know, I just wish hed get his life together
our life... and he cant. And I swear to god it is because of that bear
you should give him an ultimatum, its you or the bear
no, I cant do that. That would devistate him
besides, what... what if he chose ted?
Well hello there, sorry if im interupting any
girl talk about Channing Tatum's index finger
but Lori, I need to see you in my office
the thing is Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get through
oh this is work I swear
ugh great.
Good luck, - thank you
hes such an asshole. Out of control...
hes such a sleaze. 100 bucks says hes showing her the diving photo
check this out
its me on the high school diving team
we dove the shit out of the pool that year
you promised me this was about work
Lori... why don't you like me?
Im rich, im good looking, my dad owns the company...
I have a boyfriend. I have told you this.
Yeah, the guy with the bear
but im talking about a mature relationship Lori
if we were together, our babies would be spectacular
I mean, my top of the pyramid caucasian genes
and your splash of... dark... beautiful... smokey... baltic...
- Czech? - Goodbye Rex
ok, that was perfect
would you like me to wrap your leftovers?
No, I'm good, thank you.
Actually, could you wrap just this up for me please?
I wanna scare the shit out of somebody.
Sure.
What are you, like 5 years old? Yeah
but I read at a 6 year old level, so...
sir... and madam
here is your desert, and champagne.
Ohh, cristal.
It's a special night, we've been dating for 4 years.
And hey, all those rich black people cant be wrong, right?
Doesnt feel like 4 years does it?
No it doesn't
you know, you had no business being out on that
dance floor.But im really happy that you were.
This song is so great
oh yeah, Chris Brown can do no wrong
wow you can really move
you like that huh? Check this shit out
oh my god
are you ok?
Oh god, I am so sorry im fine, im fine
Jesus im so sorry, I didn't see you it was an accident.
- did you hurt your head? - Yeah
my head hurts a lot
oh man, here, let me get you some ice
sorry... sorry, does it hurt?
No it... its fine
ok, heres a test to see how much you actually care about me
you remember the night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles
till about 5 A.M, we watched a movie on the little tv in the diner
name that movie... "octopussy"
baby... gold star
and by the way, my dancing was not that bad
it was pretty bad... I have cool moves
yeah, and so do people with parkinson's
thats not how I remember it
ok how do you remember it?
Alright... whatever you say
hey, heres to 4 more years huh
cheers, - you make me happy
I know we said no gifts, but... We said no such thing...
but I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the no gift rule
we had no such rule...
Lori, I wanted to give this to you for a long time
John...
those are the ones you like right? From the kiosk at the mall
yeah...
you know Lori, some day theres gonna be a ring in there
but I want to wait till I get you something really special
I just do have the money right now
look, im only saying this because I love you
your not going to have any sort of career if you wasting time with ted.
Oh, geez. Here we go.
Baby, please ask ted to move out so we can move on with our lives
Lori, look hes been my best friend since I was 8
I was not a popular child, you have to understand
I had no friends before he came along
hes the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence
but your no longer 8, your 35 years old
and unless your too blind to notice, hes not your only friend anymore.
Can we talk about this another time and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?
Oh shit, hang on a second
my phone fell under the seat somewhere
can you call it?
Yeah
is that a new ringtone?
Oh, yeah what is it, cos it sounds negative
no, no, its from the notebook
this is gonna take some doing I think. I'll just meet you upsatirs then...
yeah, ill be right there
ugh, Lori... your home early
what the hell is this?
The ladys and I were just watching Jack and Jill
Adam Sandier plays a guy and his sister its... its just aweful
its unwatchable, but they're hookers so its fine
this place is a wreck, who are these girls?
Oh where are my manners, Lori this is Angelic,
heavenly, sharinne and sovereign blanc
I love you girls. You know somewhere out there, are four
terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night
what is that?
What is what?
Theres a... a shit on my floor
in the corner, there is a shit
oh, yeah, we were playing truth or dare... ad sharinne's pretty ballsy
theres a shit on my floor!
Well, or... or is the floor on the shit...
who lives here? Im coming to get whoever lives here
you owe me lobster money
haha, thats my buddy Johnny, not the lobster, the guy running it
I found my phone, whats going on?
Is that a shit?
God there are some fucked up fish out there
oh look at that one. Waspy white guy fish
I married the wrong woman, and now I lead a life of regret
oh look at this guy, I went to new york once, in 1981
and I just did not feel safe
ted, you gotta move out you... what
its gotta happen what did I do?
My relationship is at a very delicate stage, you know
Lori and I just need a little space right now
plus, a hooker took a shit in out apartment
oh god - what?
Oh this is so gross
don't tell me, I don't want to hear about it. You get it?
Oh my god no I didn't get it!
Oh my god I got some on my thumb
- no! - Yes I did
you can never cook with that hand again
oh my god this is the most disgusting thing ever. -Get away from me
look, that was tough night for all of us
ted, you mean everything to me, and so does Lori
I mean im just trying to find a way to keep both of you in my life
shes making you do it isnt she?
Yes, but that doesn't mean we cant hang out.
Well hang out all the time yeah but
what bout thunder buddys for life Johnny
I know. I just don't know what to do here I know it sucks
but otherwise im gonna lose her
and I do lover her ted I know you do Johnny
ill help you get on your feet out there, I promise
I know, and we'll hang out all the time right?
All the time
all right fuck it, bring it in come here, bring it in you bastard.
"I love you"
fuck..shit..sorry thats the... the thing
im not gay - I know
and your not gay so were fine
we got to get you a job
I look stupid... no you don't you look dapper
I don't. I look like snuggles accountant
come on, its not that bad
John, I look like something you give a kid when you tell them grandma died
look, I know it sucks ok but you gotta make some money so you can pay for an apartment
I don't want to work at a grocery store
yeah but you have no skills
I told you, I can totally be a lawyer
You get the job, were celebrating after ok?
ahaa, and if I don't get the job... are we still going to smoke that pot?
Probably yes
ahaa yeah, good talk coach alright buddy
go get em
and don't worry, ill do my very best to get this job that I so crave
so you think you got what it takes?
I tell you what I got... you wifes pussy on my breath
nobodys ever talked to me like that before
thats because eveyones mouth is usually full of your wife's box
your hired.
Shit.
Well, I am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job.
This is how the cast of different strokes feels all day, every day.
Aweful, they must feel aweful... the live ones must feel aweful.
Come on, it's not that bad, okay?
I got a shitty job and I assure you I am quite content.
Excuse me.
Im sorry to bother you but,
my son and I couldnt help but admire your teddy bear
oh thank you - thanks
im Donny this is Robert
I have to say, ive been following you ever since I was a young boy
and eh, I remember seeing you on the carson show
you were just wondeful
oh yeah, that was a weird interview.
Ed thought I was Alf. And he kept muttering anti semitic comments.
Thought Alf was Jewish for some reason
have you ever considered selling the bear? What? Excuse me
I want it
hey... im not an IT pal im a HE, alright
im sorry little guy, but my bear isnt for sale,
see ive had him since I was about your age
hes very very special to me
stand up straight when your talking to me
why the fuck would he say that?
Sorry, you know you really shouldn't swear in front of children
uh look, were very interested in the bear. If you want to make
some sort of arrangement, heres my address and phone number
you can call me anytime ok?
Will do
look, here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff
- ok? - Ok see you later
ok come on Robert. Take it easy
what the fuck...
can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?
I can totally see him taking you down to the basement and slowly
delimbing while singing some creepy victorian nursery rhyme
"oh my little sixpence my pretty little sixpence" Stop it.
" I love my sixpence" Knock it off
stop it, fuck. Why you got to take it to that
place..you took it to a... that was real
now its a real thing. Aww come on, take it easy
lets just find a better place to get stoned
well I guess this is it huh?
Yeah, I guess so first night on your own
yeah, first night in my beatiful new apartment
well itll be great when its furnished
yeah. And the guy said it aint hardly had no murders in it, so thats good.
Okay, so...
- if you need anything. - Yeah.
I know. Dont worry Johnny, ill be fine
I know you will.
Alright.
Hey, there.
Hey.
Listen, umm.
I just want to say thank you.
I know what you did wasn't easy.
And I just want you to know that I love you for it.
And... I think its a new beginning for our relationship.
Anything for you.
This is all part of the new grown up John Bennett, so
you better get used to him really...
well... now I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes
well thats perfect, cos im only going to need 1
you know what my favourite thing about you is?
Even after 4 years, you can still surprise me
and to step up and change such a huge part of
your life just to make your girlfriend happier
I don't know, I guess most guys wouldnt do that
well most guys don't have you to motivate them
I know im not a talking teddybear, but...
at least you don't have to make a magical wish to get me
how do you know?
Ohh... is that a Flash Gordon ray gun, or are you just ahppy to see me?
There you go. Thank you very much, please come again we have a lot more grocerys
hey uhh, hey Ellen - yeah?
Whos that over there?
Oh thats the new check out girl I don't know her name. Seems cute
yeah. Very cute
you know what id like to do to her? Something I call a dirty fozzy
ok... alright... so thats where well draw the line
hey... how you holding up?
Oh im alright, im just getting used to things thats all.
It's going to be alright.
I actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend
- really? - Yeah
we were together for 8 months and I really loved him
and then he got deported back to Iran, so I know what your going through
oh yeah. So I guess we both lost our furry little guy
we sure did
hey ted. Hey Johnny what are you doing? Wanna come over and catch a buzz?
Well I could probably stop by after work
fuck that, I traded off yesterday so I got the other shift
come on, im bored as crap over here. Just swing by for a bit...
I cant just ditch work man
im trying to get my shit together and be an adult here you know, for Lori's sake
Johnny, 5 minuites and ill kick you out, I promise
just come over. I got the cheers dvd boxset
and the guy down at the store told me everybody
talks shit about each other in the inteviews
youll kick me out in 5?
I will kick you out in 5
John, ill have to kick you out. I have so much
teddybear paperwork to get through it is sick
what do I tell Thomas?
Just tell him you don't feel well
I got to cut out for a bit, Lori tried to break
up a dog fight and guess she got hurt pretty bad
oh my god
yeah thats the way she is. She sees trouble and she tries to help out
and I guess one of these dogs clamped its jaws on her
forearm, and wouldnt let go untill a fireman showed up
and had to stick a finger in its ass
oh jesus. Yeah shes pretty shook up
up the dogs ass right...
yeah the dogs not the firemans ass
I thought the fireman stuck his finger up his own ass
I don't think a firefighter would do that, I mean...
well go go, take care of it, let me know how she is. Thank you. -Go
woody harrelson... smallest dick ive ever seen on a man
see, thats why I watch these things. Its like a
cool behind the scenes thing that you wouldnt know
oh hey, listen, try this.
I told my weed guy to step it up, and he gave me that
what is it?
Its called mind rape, its actually pretty mellow
it doesn't sound very mellow
well he only had 3 other batches
uh, gorilla panic... uh, there coming there coming
and something called this is permanent
come on, spark it up
there you go, you got it
ahahaha, nice good huh? Good job - yeah
take pride in that. You know, this place looks great
aww thanks man, its all Ikea, did the whole place for $47
nice... - yeah how are the neighbours?
Ah, you know, theres an asian family living next door,
but they don't have a gong or nothing so its not too bad
thats lucky - yeah it is
- hows work? - Sucks
you? You know, not bad actually
I met a girl, shes a cashier
no way, thats awesome - yeah
we should fucking double date, you me and Lori and... whats her name?
White trash name, guess...
- mandy? - No...
- marilyn? - No... - brittany? - No...
- tiff any? - No... - candice? - No...
don't fuck me on this, I know this shit
do you see me fucking with you?
Alright speed round.im gonna rattle off some names, and
when I hit it, fucking buzz it ok?- I will tell you
you got me? Alright
brandy, heather, shanine, briana, amber, sabrina, melody, dekota
ciara, bamby, crystal, samantha, autumn ruby, taylor, tara, tammy, lauren,
shelly, shantelle, courtney, misty, jenny, krista, mindy, nowel, shelby, trina,
casandra, nicky, kelsey, shauna, joleen ilene, claudine,
savanha, casey, dolly kendra, kyley, chloe, demelu
- fucking becky? - No.
Was it any one of those names with a lynn after it?
Yes.
Ohh, I got you motherfuker. I got you.
- Okay, brandy-lynn, heather-lynn. - Tammy-lynn.
Fuck!
What the hell.
Hey man, you think you can open more than 1 register?
Theres like a 1,000 people here
theres supposed to be 3 open for gods sakes
stick your finger in the loop of my tag
you had sexual intercourse ontop of the produce that we sell to the public
I fucked her with a parsnip last week...
and I sold the parsnip to a family with 4 small children
that took guts
we need guts. Im promoting you
you got a lot of problems don't you?
Alright karim
you suck karim
hello...
hey ted
oh, hey there fella how are you?
Are you out here all alone?
Uhh, no, no im not
you know, your never alone when your with christ, so...
no im not alone yeah
yeah me too
you know Robert and I could give you a very good home
you know, im pretty happy where I am I just got a shitty new apartment
I could offer you $6,000 in rail road bonds
well you know, since I just returned from active duty in the civil war
that actually sounds very appealing
oh wait, sorry that was 150 years ago and I don't give a shit...
ok
teddy come on, were going to be late for dinner with your friends
ok, ill be there in a second baby as you can see,
my dance card is quite full im going to have to decline
can I just get a hug?
Oh, no... - yeah
and it kills me to have to tell you no. Because im a people pleaser
but, thank you for creeping up my night and jesus be with you...-ok
in christ
who was that guy?
Oh, that was sinead o'connor, she don't look so good no more
how great is this huh? The 4 of us out to dinner
how long have we been saying we were gonna do...
Lori, how you doing? I havent talked to you in forever
im good
the companys having there 20th anniversary party next week, so...
thats something.
Lori's a senior vp at a pretty huge P.R firm
its not that big of a deal
companys turning 20...so you can bang it, but you cant get it drunk
right...
yeah she gets it she enjoys my humour
yeah, I mean Rex is having a house party, im surprised John didn't tell you
considering you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out
well you know, its funny cos whenever Johnny and I hang out
the first item on our agenda is... whats going on with Lori?
So you know its funny that didn't come up. It musta have slipped through the cracks
we do, we talk about you all the time
you remember the other day? I was saying how great Lori's hair always looks
oh my god it always looks so fucking great I just want to brush it, you know
right Johnny... i say that
So, tammy-lynn. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself
like where you from? Im always fascinated to meet teds girlfriends
what do you mean girlfriends? Was there like a lot of them or something?
No... thats not what she meant at all right Lori?, Lori you didn't mean that
no, no, what I meant to say was that teds very handsome, so im
always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up
did you just call me a whore? What?
You just worry about your own snatch how bout that honey...
wow, hey... what the hell happened?
We were having a friendly meal. This was a nice evening
don't talk shit to me
I just asked you a question
you know, your a frickin snob you think your
all cool cos you work at some fancy shit place
whatever.-ok take it easy. Nice Lori, real nice
me... its not my fault she cant speak english
oh fuck you. Just cos your in the business world and shit,
you think everyone should suck your asshole or something?
Ok, alright. Tammy, come on honey, lets get out of here. Well
go back to my place for a couple of vodka and strawberry quicks
you know what bitch, I gave birth once, I can kick your fucking ass
and you better not show your face around quincy, you hear me? Ever
I didn't know you had a baby, is it alive?
What a cunt... I hate that word - what?
That word, its like an electric saw slashing everything in its path
why would you say that?
You dint exactly stand up for me...
im trying to walk a line here. I want to be fair to you and to him, you know
well I think your being a little more fair to him
oh, come on...
you know your boss called this morning asking how my arm was
huh...-yeah because of the dog fight that I tried to break up
if I had to guess, id say you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work
to go to teds. Now... am I right?
I made you out to be a hero
you know what John, we asked ted to move out, to give ourselves a chance without it
your not giving anything a chance if your blowing
off work to get high with your teddybear
your right. Ive been getting stoned too much I know that
ive been bumming around with ted too much, I know that too
you give me one more chance, I promise I can fix it
John, I need a man. Not a little boy with a teddybear
I know, done, man
right here in front of you, look at these pecks... these are man pecks
look at the hair on my upper lip... thats man hair
I just farted, that was a man fart
fine...
fine John, but this is, I swear to god your last chance
trust me, I love you alright, I love you
I love you so much. You wont be sorry I swear
did you really just fart?
Yeah... but I pushed it that way with my hand
I wonder who its going to hit first
"so if I told them once, I told them a million times, these numbers do not add up"
who did this to us?
God damn it, I'm here on business.
Alright, here we go.
Im really glad that you came. Me too yeah?
Is it ok if I kick your boss's ass? I mean that
wont effect your workplace chemistry will it?
Please play nice for you I will
thank you - anything
there she is... i was worried you weren't coming
hey there squirt, how you doing? Wheres your bunny rabbit?
- He's a bear. - Got it.
Oh my god, this house is fucking huge...
I know, try not to get lost. Come on in
wow, here are the ladies. Look at you guys
you guys look amazing
little heavy on the eye make up, but pretty good
you guys know Lori and Jim right? ...John
hi
listen, why don't John and I go get a drink at the bar
uh... sure. Great, well be right back
come on buddy
thats an old sweater huh
this is Wade Boggs autographed bat
I just barely outbid phil donoghue for that at auction
wow cool yeah... cool
these boxing gloves worn by Joe Lewis in his first fight
this is art, get it?
These were John Lennon's glasses there worth like a million dollars
thats me and Tom Scarritt
ohh... check this out
thats Lance Armstrong's nut
I had it freeze dried and bronzed
every now and then, when my lifes getting me down and
things are tough. I just come up here, and I look at it
and it reminds me that... things arent so bad
sometimes you feel like a nut
sometimes you don't
so, talk to me Johnny quest, how are things with you and Lori
you know, things are great actually
oh thats great that ...is... great
Lori would hate me for saying this, but she told me how you are at the office
and as one gentleman to another, I justwant to say,
I really fucking hope you get lou gehrig's disease
wow... i think we need to clear the air here a little
I mean yeah, im kind of a fun time boss and what not
but look man, I do that with everybody at the office
im a cook
I have no designs on your girlfriend we work together and thats it
I think you're a great guy. And shes a very lucky girl
well thats good to hear yeah
excuse me hey ted
Johnny, were are you you gotta get over here man.
Why whats going on?
Ok, so
im having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment
and John... Sam Jones is here what!
Sam jones... Flash fucking Gordon ...is here
holy shit, what
you remember I said my buddys cousin is friends with sam jones?
Well my buddys cousin is in town, and who do you think is with him...
Sam Jones... sam jones is here and John, his hair is parted down the middle.
Just like in the movie.
Yes! Get over here right now.
Fuck I cant, im with Lori and im already on probation
I just... i cant
John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our
informative years.he taught us right from wrong, good from evil
and the word acting apparently has an extremly broad definition.
Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship John. Come share this with me
I'm coming.
Rex, I gotta go. I'll be back in like 30 minutes tops ok
Lori can not find out. She absolutely can not know I was gone
if you can cover for me, im cool with all that other shit
I got your back on this she wont know ive been there
alright, this is one man to another I don't really know you, but im trusting
you as a man. This is serious.
Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.
Thank you, I'll be back.
I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend.
Oh Johnny thank christ, you made it
dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?
Ok get ready
hey sam, this is the guy I was telling you about
how you doing? Good to meet you
I thank you for saving everyone of us
your welcome ahh, he acknowledged it
lets do some shits - with you?
Oh my god... oh my god yes. Yes totally
lets go
thanks.
- There you go my friend. - Thank you.
"Death to Ming"
you know, you guys seem pretty cool you like to party?
Uhh... cocaine right?
Come on dudes, don't tell me you never done it before
well uh, not recently no.-i thought that was just for people in florida
you better follow me, come on
Johnny im frightened
We are gonna party like the 80's.
show us how Flash
its easy, we just gotta nail a lot of girls named stephanie.
Oh, my god Johnny I got so much energy. We better start doing stupid shit.
Look Johnny, if were ever going to get serious about
opening a restaurant, we gotta start planning it now.
- Italian... - Italian yes
whats the specials on tuesdays? Eggplant parm
chopped salad, half price. And its a non restrictive place
wait, what do you mean? Anybody can come.
- Of course. - Jews are welcome.
Yeah, why wouldnt they be? Exactly, thats what im saying
why would you even bring that up? You don't bring that up, you let them in
so why mention it? No one will
why are we talking about it? Your talking about it, im just saying let them in
yeah exactly, right, good, ok.
No mexicans though.
This is how everyone sang in the 90's
trust me, I can do this. Shut up
let him try man - alright, ok
son of a bitch
well you never should have trusted me, im on drugs
hey Johnny. I just had a great idea lets go get drunk at cars on the overpass
oh come on, I do not sound that much like peter griffin.
You can do any 90's song with just vowels.
You breaker my wall, dis my home long time.
We're sorry. It was an accident, okay?
I try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere.
Chill out, okay? Look, can we just talk about this?
What's your name? I'm John.
My name a Wan Ming.
Ming?
You blame each other for war, this bullshit, this all bullshit.
"Death to Ming"
let him go
you crazy, you crazy man.
Come on james franco.
You pay for wall. Move sucker!
Hey.
Hey, guy.
Whats going on?
This is Gerrard, hes the guy who beat me up.
- And ahh... we're in love. - Huh?
Turns out im gay, or whatever I don't know
I had no idea
hey Gerrard, lets go grab another one of these
how we doing ace? You coming down?
Yeah, I don't feel so good
oh give it a couple of hours, youll be golden pony boy
you want a xanax?
Oh shit, oh my god - what?
I gotta go
Lori, I...
Lori
Lori, wait please
im sorry, I messed up. - I need you out of the apartment tonight
can I just... Give me the car keys
can I please just explain... No
I was...-i have givin up a huge chunk of my life for you
I was gonna stop in for like 5 minutes, then Flash Gordon...
just give me the car keys
Lori Lori please, I love you, come on
hey johnny, there you are
I had to get some air
that guy from your office is on the couch, making out with that Van Wilder looking guy
you know what, fuck you, I don't even want to talk to you
what... Do you know what just happened?
Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended
oh come on, shell go home, shell watch Bridget Jones
some asshole, shell have a good cry.she'll be fine.
Youll talk to her tomorrow come on upstairs
are you even listening to me? Do you even give any thread of a shit?
Of course I do... Johnny, thunder buddys for life, remember
jesus, Lori was right.i shoulda stopped hanging out with you along time ago
im never going to have a life with you around.
Im 35 years old and im going nowhere.
All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy fucking bear.
Because of that, I just lost the love of my life
Johnny... i... im sorry
I gotta be on my own ted. I cant see you anymore
John, wait, listen.
"I love you"
so, word through the grapevine is that your newly solo
Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to
I have tickets to norah jones at the hatshell
tonight, and I would love it if you'd go with me
You're asking me out a week after I broke up with somebody?
look, im going to cut the shit here please
this is the first time you've been single in all the years you've worked here
just... go out with me one time?
And if your miserable, and you hate it. Then I
promise, I will never hint at the subject again
please Rex, I don't think its smart
im an asshole, I know that. It worked for me in highschool.
And its been a reflex ever since
Lori, the worst that can happen is you go on a fun casual date, with a guy
who just wants to prove that he can be something more than a jerk.
Plus you are a huge catch, and its about time someone treated you that way
fuck it, fine
sure beats crying myself to sleep every night
and if that means getting you off my back, well thats just a bonus
I'll pick you up at 8.
Hey Johnny, it's me.
Go away
Johnny open the door please, I want to talk
jesus christ, what the fuck man
sorry, look Johnny, I know your pissed alright
but just listen to me for 5 seconds
I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex
what?
Im serious John. I went over to talk to her, maybe take some of the heat off you
and there he was, picking her up
they were going to the hatshell
your fucking unbelievable you know that
I mean how stupid do you think I am?
If you think that by making shit up like that your going
to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her
your out your fucking mind. John its the truth im telling you
you know what, get out of here
you know what, your acting like a cock you know that?
What? Im acting like a cock?
Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me
huh?...meat hole, thats not right is it... no
pudding hole... is that what they say, no cant be that either
right.cos how can you have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat
pink floyd thing... the point is, your blaming
me, for something that you did to yourself
Lori was right about you. You cannot take any
responsibility for anything that goes on in your life
oh and you can?
I don't have to, im a fucking teddybear
you know something... i didn't tie you up and drag you to that party
alright, I wanted you to come because your supposedly my best friend
you cant stand there and tell me you havent
always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship
I mean it works out so much better for you when were
getting fucked up on the couch at 9A.M doesn't it?
Listen to yourself, what am I, emperor ming here controlling your mind
That's your choice John. And you know by blaming
me, you just make yourself look like a pussy
you know, sometimes I think back to that christmas morning, when I was 8 years old
I wish id just gotten a teddy ruxpin
Say that one more time.
teddy... rux... fucking... pin
shit, ou fuck man
fucking stop
why you crying?
My dick is squished by the t.v
im so sorry Johnny so am I man
I love you I love you too
Listen.
you gotta let me help you make things right with you and Lori
theres no putting things right, she fucking hates me
look, john, we can get her back
you remember when you were 10? And you hit that squirrel with your bb gun
and then when we seen it fall from the tree we both started crying, you remember?
And we ran up to it, and we tried to give it CPR
and it came back to life.
John, we could do that again
ted, we blew out its rib cage and crushed its lungs trying to give it CPR.
It died.
Come on, were going to the hatshell.
Thanks. We're gonna take a short break, but well be back in a few.
Hey, play chopsticks you jazzy slut.
Teddy!
How are you?
How you doing you fuzzy little asshole?
Oh you know, I'm not a hot half muslim chick whos
sold 37 million records, but im hanging in there.
Half indian, but thanks
yeah whatever, thanks for 9-11. hey listen, I
want you to meet a good pal of mine alright
John Bennett... norah jones
hi - hey there... sweaty
you ready to bring down the house?
Yes ma'am. Thank you for the opportunity miss... ma'am... jones.
Thank you.
Jesus, you look fantastic
well, your probably not used to seeing me fully clothed
I know right. Me and norah met in 2002 at a party at belinda carlisle's house
and we had awkward fuzzy sex in the cloak room
actually you wernt so bad for a guy with no penis
yeah. You know, ive written so many angry letters to hasbro about that
thank you
so im going to give my chops a rest, and bring a friend up to the stage
hes going to sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much
please give a big hand, to John Bennett
oh... my god
holy shit
I gotta fuck her again
umm high, my names John bennett
and this is for Lori Collins, cos I love you
and this song always reminds me of the most
important night of my life. The night we met
umm, this is the theme song from the movie octopussy
still better than Katy Perry
you suck, get off the stage
aww come on, give him a chance
your an asshole
oh jesus
someone call an ambulance
that was insane
did you see the way the guys body hit the ground? It was like a rag doll
id rather just not talk about it
you want to go get a drink after this?
I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die
uh nope, I think id rather just have you take me home
one drink come on
no, not really feeling up to it
alright, I get it
and you know, I don't blame you
I mean thing about it, it was actually unfair of him to embarrass you like that
just to be clear, im not embarrassed
so John and I have our problems, but at least he tried
you know what, I don't feel like talking to you about this
where you going?
Taking a cab, im going home
finally
down here, not looking up your towell, swear to god
not looking up your towell, not looking at your funny business
ted, what are you doing here?
I need to talk to you
listen if your here to fight Johns battles for him its not...
just let me talk first alright, and then you can say whatever you want
look, John loves you very much
more than anything in the world
and hes falling to fucking pieces without you
he knows he screwed up huge. But you gotta believe me,
it wasnt all his fault alright. I told him to bail on you that night at Rex's
and he said no, he was going to stay there with you
and I twisted his arm Lori
so if you just give him one more chance
I promise I will leave, and ill never come back
alright... hell be all yours
ted, thats a really nice offer. But I don't want you to do that
this is between John and me, and I don't think it can be fixed
yeah because of me
look look Lori, you want him to be a man
but as long as hes got his teddybear, hes always going to be a boy
hes waiting down at Charlies right now, so if you go down there and just talk to him
ill be gone when you get back
forever
and youll see. Hell never be scared of thunder again
michelob ultra tuscan orange grapefruit
my god, americas imploding
high ted fuck!
Lori... what... hey
what are you doing here?
You can thank ted
should I... should I sit?
Yeah... if you want - ok
so works good? Everythings good there?
Yeah, works good
well I guess we cant make small talk all day huh?
If its ok with you, I just want to say what I want to say
look I could sit here and tell you im sorry, and
it was a huge misunderstanding, im ready to change
but I don't think you want to hear any of that crap
im not going to try and get you to take me back. I mean, why would you
ive been a really shitty boyfriend for the last 4 years, I don't deserve you
Look, I know I didn't take our relationship seriously. But Lori,
I do love you more than life itself
and I want is... i just want to end on good terms
I owe that to you.
Alright, I want you to be happy, you deserve that.
And I just hope, you know, that we can still be friends
Thank you for being so honest.
That was pretty much it.
Thanks for coming by.
Yeah.
As you can see, youve been a part of our family for quite some time.
Welcome home.
Yeah it's kinda funny, I got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house
Is he all mine daddy?
Yes he is my little winner, yes he is
ted you've arrived at a lucky time, its almost Robert's play hour
im guessing you guys don't have a ps3
im guessing your more of a wooden horse with a wig kinda family
yeah
eh yeah, no
yeah
yeah see theres a cart
ted, you belong to Robert now. You do as he says
you think your just gonna get away with a kidnapping?
Its a nice fucking example your setting.
LANGUAGE!...sorry sorry
you know ted, when I was a little boy
I saw you on television, and I thought you were the
most amazing most wonderful thing id ever seen, ever.
And I asked my dad if I could have a magical teddybear too
and he said no
can you just email me the rest of this story...
and I was so heartbroken
and I promised myself that if I ever had a
son, I would never, ever, ever, say no to him
ever
maybe no to a snickers bar every once and a while wouldn't hurt
me and ted are going to be best friends daddy
yes you are my little chipmunk
happy playtime
jesus fucking christ
I said that word one time
daddy punished me for it
thats a great story, I felt like I was there
daddy gave me an ouch
now... i have to give you an ouch
alright kid you win, what you want to do? You want to play a game?
Its playtime right, well play a game
yeah, ill play a game - good
uh, alright lets see, how about we play a little game of hide and seek?
I love hide and seek, ill hide
now hang on there, your daddy likes you to show good manners, right Tubby McFatfuck
ok, you hide first
great, fantastic. Now, you count to 100 and then you try to find me, ok?
Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
No... thats a weird fucking question, no just start counting
1...2...3... 4...5...6... 7...
ok, no peeking now, or youll get kid cancer
8...9... 10...11... 12...13...
- Hey. - Walking home alone, huh?
Yeah.
Do you need a lift?
Oh im ok, I mean if I get raped, then it would be my fault for what im wearing
listen, John
theres something that I need to say to you too
hey, -hey. John, I hope that...
listen I don't want you to think that...
sorry
I want us to keep talking... because I think that maybe...
look, whoever this is, its not a good time
John, its me, can you hear me?
Ted?...listen I gotta call you back
nono no, John don't hang up im in trouble
what do you mean? What kind of trouble?
They got me, that freaky guy from the park and that kid
who I think is his son, but may also be his lover, I don't know
wow wow wow, slow down. Where are you?
Uh..im not sure. Its uh...
hello... hello John...
hello...
your not a very polite guest are you?
- Shit! - Ted, hello... ted
whats the matter? Is he ok?
I don't know - well where is he?
I don't know, he just said he was in trouble.
Can you call him back?
No it's blocked.
Wait a second.
Go, take colombus to hylton, get on the express way.
Hello, 911. I need the police right away.
This guy took my teddybear.
Hello?
Let me out of here, you crazy bastards.
Oh... oh... i hear the fat kid running, I
hear the fat kid running... that is hilarious
come on, let me out of here
I am a citizen of the United Stated of America, and I have rights
Robert, seatbelt
should be right here somewhere
Johnny
wow, wow, wow, stop stop stop thats them, turn around
stay with them
hang on
back off Susan Boyle
oh my god, hes gonna jump get closer
alright, easy... - come on ted
shit - yes
hey Johnny, total T.J Hooker right?
Yes!, fucking A right!
Go, go, go.
Daddy
lets see how well you know these streets
where is he?
Jesus
there he is, pullover
no... you cant have my teddybear...
holy shit.
Sorry, somebody had to go joan crawford on that kid.
Come on.
Ted?
Oh my god.
Ahh, shit.
- Jesus, stay here. - No, no, no, John.
- Wait, John. - Stay here.
You're mine, Ted.
Screw you pal, I belong to John Bennett.
But I can give you love
and rocking horses, and dancing
I think we're very far apart on this.
- Ted? - Johnny.
Oh, my god.
Ted.
John.
Lori, get the stuffing. Get it all.
Johnny...
your gonna be ok buddy, can you understand? Your gonna be fine
jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens
look at me buddy. I promise, your going to be ok
I don't think so.
I'm a... I'm... I'm in trouble
I need... I need to tell you something.
What is it?
Dont... don't ever lose her again
shes the most important...
most important part of your life
even... even more than me
shes your thunder buddy now.
She's...
I got it
baby, I don't know if this is going to work
please, just try
come on buddy
im so sorry
you did everything you could
im so sorry
Ted.
- I'm alive Johnny, - Oh my god.
Im alive your magic always worked
your back, I cant...
yeah, I mean when you sawed me up, you put
some of the stuffing in the wrong places John
I'm a little fucked up, but will you take care of me forever and ever?
Nah... im just kidding with you, I thought it would
be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.
- You asshole. - Come here you bastard.
Welcome back ted.
It was you.
You did it.
Son of a bitch. You wished for my life back.
No... no no.
I wished for my life back.
I love you.
I love you too.
And I want you to know that
after last night, I don't want to lose anyone that matters to me ever again
I'm not gonna wait any longer for my life to start.
Lori
will you marry me?
All I ever wanted was you John Bennett.
And so, John and Lori and ted, lived happily ever after
having discovered at last, that all they really needed was each other
John and Lori were married in Cambridge, by a very special justice of the peace
by the power vested in me
by the New York Jets
and by the united peoples of the planet Mongo
I now pronounce you, man and wife
you may kiss the bride Johnny
thanks so much for coming
my daughter better be alive you sick son of a bitch
I am so fake happy for her.
Ahh, you know sam, theres only one way to end a perfect day.
What's that?
Flash jump.
Right.
1...2... 3.
Yeah.
And that's the story of how one magical wish, forever
changed the lives of three very special friends.
Ted and Tammy-Lynn continued there torrid love affair for quite some time.
One afternoon, ted was caught behind the deli counter,
eating potato salad off of Tammy-Lynn's bare bottom.
He was instantly promoted to store manager.
Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood, with the goal of restarting his film career.
He currently resides in burbank where he shares a
studio apartment with his room mate brandon routh.
Remember brandon routh, from that god aweful superman movie?
Jesus christ. Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us.
Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori.
Not long after, he fell into a deep
depression and died of lou gehrig's disease.
Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy.
The charge was dropped when everyone realised
how completely stupid that sounded.
Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight,
and went on to become taylor lautner.
For more new Movies visit GlowGaze.Com