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Yes, well, the first time I ever heard that name...
Clouseau was just a little nobody.
A police officer in some little village far outside of Paris.
He was the village idiot as far as I could tell.
Idiot, pull up.
Monsieur Dumont, you must move your vehicle immediately.
I am so sorry, Officer Clouseau.
My chair, it won't move.
Here's your problem.
Your battery cable has come undone. Let me help.
Let's see. The positive to the negative.
The negative to the positive. There.
All right, you are ready to go.
All clear, keep it moving.
As chief inspector of the Police Nationale...
I hear many stories of our officers in the field.
Clouseau generated many...
many stories.
You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquet.
Pierre Fuquet?
The case is closed.
Needless to say...
... Clouseau did not qualify for any advancement whatsoever.
I never thought for a moment I would have any use for him...
until that fateful day.
It was a perfect day for a murder.
France against China, with the winner advancing to the finals.
I had been invited, as chief inspector of the Police Nationale.
And because of my recent nomination for the Medal of Honor.
I have been nominated seven times.
I have never won.
But still, seven nominations...
that's something.
Anyway, the coach of the French team, Yves Gluant...
... came out for his customary ovation.
He raised his fist to the crowd.
On it:
The Pink Panther diamond.
It was quite the symbol of pride and victory for the French team.
Gluant's girlfriend at that time...
... was Xania, the international pop star.
They had been having quite a stormy affair.
By the end of regulation time the score was tied...
... and the game went into sudden death.
For a patriotic Frenchman and a true fan like myself...
... it was almost too thrilling to believe.
And then...
... the miracle.
Yes! Yeah!
Yes!
And then, in front of a stadium filled with people...
... Gluant collapsed...
... dead.
A poison dart in his neck.
And the Pink Panther diamond...
... had disappeared.
The newspapers fed on Gluant's murder with a frenzy.
For them, the world had stopped.
For me...
... it was an opportunity for my greatest triumph.
I know what we need for the Gluant case.
- What? - An incompetent.
An unimaginative, by-the-book, low-level incompetent...
who will plod along, getting nowhere...
with the media watching his every step.
And while he is getting nowhere...
I will put together the finest team of investigators in France...
and we will hunt down the killer, retrieve the Pink Panther diamond...
and then the Medal of Honor will be mine.
And who is this incompetent?
Oh, I think I know the perfect man for the job.
Find him and bring him to Paris.
His name is Clouseau.
Good morning, mademoiselle.
I'll be right with you.
The minister of justice sent around a new picture of himself...
but it was bigger than Chief Inspector Dreyfus' picture.
So the chief inspector had a larger one made.
You'll find that Paris can be a very political place.
Yes, politics. Where greed wears the mask of morality.
That's good. Did you say that?
Yes, I did.
- Could you help me down? - Oh, yes, of course.
Oh, yes. Here, just... Perhaps...
- Yes, I... - All right.
- Wait. - Yeah.
Don't jump. Yes, that's good. All right.
I think if you put your leg right there...
- Okay. - Yes. Okay.
Yes.
- I can't see anything. - Maybe over here?
- Yes, okay. - Okay.
Over here.
The inspector will see you now.
He'll be right with you.
Clouseau.
- Clouseau. - He's coming in.
Good.
Officer Jacques Clouseau, gendarme, third class.
- That had to hurt. - No. No, not at all. No.
Clouseau, the reason we called you here...
It is lovely weather we are having.
I hope the weather continues.
The area is secure.
Oh, thank you.
Clouseau, I have reviewed your records, and it is clear to me...
that a man of your talent merits greater responsibility...
than you have had up to this point.
I have decided to promote you to inspector...
the highest rank of any officer in the republic.
- Inspector? - Exactly.
And your first case is the Gluant murder...
and theft of the Pink Panther diamond.
- I am honored. - Good.
Jacques Clouseau, by the power vested in me...
I hereby appoint you full inspector...
with all of the...
Here, if you would be so kind, please.
Oh, here, take my pen.
Thank you.
One does not often see the traditional French fountain pen.
I will cherish this forever.
No. It is not a gift.
That was given to me by the mayor of Paris.
Well, then...
I cannot accept this.
The press conference.
Yes. Clouseau, there is a press conference...
in just a few minutes down the hall...
to introduce you to the media.
We'll meet you there. And, Clouseau?
Yes?
Good luck.
Good luck to you.
And where is the press conference?
Go under the arch...
through the door on the right and down the hall.
Well...
The area is still secure.
Thank you.
He's perfect.
Yes, we have definitely found our man.
Why do I feel wet?
Because of the unique nature of the crime...
we have brought in a man specially suited to the case:
Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
Inspector.
- Yes? - Yes, what's your initial premise?
That Gluant did not want to be killed.
Everything else follows like liquid mercury...
flowing down a... A...
A sloping thing.
How long do you think it will take to find the killer?
Right now the killer is being surrounded by a web of deduction...
forensic science and the latest in technology...
such as two-way radios and e-mail.
Assign a man to be his driver who can report on his whereabouts at all times.
What kind of man?
A man who follows orders and doesn't ask questions.
Inspector, do you know if the killer was a man or a woman?
Well, of course I know that. What else is there? A kitten?
Excuse me, do you think it's possible...
that the killer could be watching you now?
Well, if I was a killer, I would certainly be watching...
and possibly taping for later playback...
because, you know, it's a big deal to be talked about on TV.
But I have a message for the killer:
There is no place you can hide.
There is no place you cannot be seen.
Killer, I will find you...
... because I am a servant of the nation.
Because justice is justice...
... and because France is France.
- Bonjour, Nicole. - Good morning, inspector.
Welcome to your new office.
You should probably start by going through these files.
It is lovely weather we are having.
I hope the weather...
stays this mild.
If the weather continues...
we are in for a lovely summer.
The area is secure.
- Are you all right? - Well, of course I'm all right.
And what is that?
- What? - Nothing.
You should probably start by looking at these files. You have to...
My leg, it crushed my leg!
Being an inspector, you'll need some new clothes.
I can take your measurements and have something sent over.
- Of course. - Please remove your jacket.
Yes.
- Do you live by yourself, inspector? - Yes, I do.
Do you get lonely?
No, not really. Not since the Internet.
Well, that takes care of that. And welcome to Paris.
Thank you.
Good morning, monsieur.
And you are?
Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class.
I've been assigned to work with you.
What qualifications do you have for police work?
My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.
- And before that? - We were policemen for 200 years.
- And before that? - Immigrants from countries in Europe.
- All involved in police work. - And before that?
Farmers.
So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.
Gilbert Ponton, I vow to teach you everything I know about police work.
And together...
we are going to catch a killer.
There.
The Chinese VIP box, right on the edge of the kill zone.
The poison was Chinese. Was Gluant ever in China?
Three years ago, he took a group of French stars there...
for some exhibition games.
Gluant was in China...
the poison is from China...
the Chinese are from China.
It may be too early to say for certain, but I think our killer is Chinese.
Corbeille, I want you on the next flight to Beijing.
Find out what Gluant did there, who he saw, where he went.
Pacquette, I want a dossier on every Chinaman in that box.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Inspector, it's awfully late and...
Oh, I'm just going over these crime-scene photos.
- Don't you need some rest? - Crime does not rest, Nicole.
It's true.
You see...
I have waited a long time to prove myself.
And I've been given the opportunity of a lifetime.
And I intend to show the world exactly who I am...
and what I can do. I must not fail.
You won't. I know it.
Thank you, Nicole.
- Nicole? - Yes?
May I be very frank with you?
Of course.
You have put on a ton of weight.
Now, what I do when I get a little heavy...
Never mind.
Would you like me to stay behind and help you?
That is a generous offer, Nicole...
but I am quite sensitive to office gender politics.
And in today's world, the slightest gesture...
can be misinterpreted as harassment.
And it is late, and I would prefer not to put you or me...
into that delicate situation.
Agreed?
Yes, I agree.
Well, let's seal it with a kiss. And I'll get back to work.
I am going to be frank.
Since you are only a detective, second class...
your senses may not be as sharp as my own.
And as I do not want a partner who makes me duller...
I have come up with a plan to keep you as sharp as possible.
And what is that?
Intermittently, and without warning, I will attack you...
whenever and wherever it is least expected.
In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert. Agreed?
Yes.
- Good one. - Thank you.
Here we are.
"Do not open door when light is flashing."
Excuse me.
Coming through. Thank you.
And I'm wondering if you... Yes.
I'm wondering if you saw, perhaps, a person yelling.
Stop! Stop, stop!
Who are you, and what the hell are you doing?
- I'm in the middle of an interrogation. - The booth is soundproof.
She can't hear a word. And in case you haven't noticed...
you ruined my recording session. Now, get out.
Unless you want to be charged with obstruction of justice...
you will let me interrogate Xania.
It's all right, Roland. Hello, inspector.
I'm Xania.
You do not know this, but I am intimately familiar with your work.
You are very kind.
Did you say that booth was soundproof?
Yes.
Now, you were nearby when Gluant was killed?
Yes, I ran out to be with him after the team won.
Of course you did.
Now, a few hours before the murder...
six witnesses saw you repeatedly striking the deceased and screaming...
What was it, Ponton?
"I am going to kill you. I am going to kill you."
I was angry. I caught him with another woman.
And this was after he said he loved me.
You poor little angel waif.
After he cheated on me...
I hated him.
- But I didn't kill him. - Of course you didn't.
- You recently performed in China... - Stop browbeating her!
Can't you see she's sexy?
Three months ago in Shanghai.
Can you think of anyone else who might have hated Gluant?
- Bizu. - The football star?
I was dating Bizu when I met Gluant.
He thought Gluant was a bad guy for stealing me away.
- If you ask me, they were both... - You, don't leave town.
But I'm flying to Montserrat to record Rene Duchanel...
You will not leave town. I may want to ask you a few more questions.
But I don't know anything.
About life, about love. Yes, you little wet puppy.
But about the crime you may know a lot.
Inspector.
Do I have to stay in town?
Because next week I have something...
vague to do in New York.
Well, if you absolutely have to do something vague...
feel free to go where you wish.
I can't take you to Bizu, but I can take you to Monsieur Vainqueur...
the team's assistant coach.
Well, I guess he's the head coach now.
- You wanted to see me? - You are Vainqueur?
Yes. And who are you?
I am Inspector Clouseau. Perhaps you have heard of me.
No.
Don't write that down.
- What do you want? - I am told that Bizu hated Gluant.
A lot of people hated Gluant.
Did you?
I spent six years under his thumb being verbally abused every day.
Yes, I was not a fan of Yves Gluant.
And now he is dead...
and you have his job.
Ironic.
Not every death is a tragedy.
- And what was the..? - Footsteps.
It's a young woman...
30 to 35 years old...
5'2", 5'4", brunette.
And she is wearing high heels.
Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon.
And she has on...
Chanel N°5.
- Is anyone with you? - No.
Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?
- No. - Not even a small pair of pumps?
- No. - Who are you?
I am Yuri, the trainer.
And what is it you do here, Yuri the trainer?
I train.
So you are Yuri the trainer who trains.
Do not leave Europe.
But I have to go to Asia.
Okay.
Do not leave Europe or Asia.
We have one match in Brazil.
All right.
Do not leave Europe, Asia or the Americas.
- Okay. - Where is this famous soccer player?
He is outside on the practice field.
Well, we shall see about Mr. Bizu.
I've got Bizu in the interrogation room.
What's the plan?
I'm going to give him the good-coplbad-cop routine.
You are the soccer player known as Bizu?
- Yes. - You were acquainted with Gluant?
- I'm glad he's pushing up daisies. - He is not pushing up daisies.
He is dead.
It's an idiom.
You, sir, are the idiom.
Now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison...
you will answer the next question. Did you kill him?
I would have loved to have killed him.
But some lucky bastard beat me to it.
You disgust me.
I'll be right back.
Cigarette?
No.
Thanks.
Good for you.
Bizu...
I know you didn't do it.
Someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.
You'll help me?
Of course I'll help you.
Now, do you have any idea who might have done this terrible thing?
His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.
Raymond Larocque, the casino owner.
Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble.
My guess is Larocque got fed up...
and had him killed.
Bizu, I like you.
I'm going to help you.
You and I are going to make a great team.
The good-coplbad-cop routine is working perfectly.
You know, usually two different cops do that.
You know what we do to prisoners who don't cooperate?
We hook them up to the box.
What is the box?
Idiot. Like this, I take one electrode...
I put it here.
I take the other one...
I put it...
So, what do you think?
Bizu is innocent.
How can you say that?
Gluant suspended Bizu. He stole his girlfriend.
If it were me, I would have killed him then and there.
That's exactly what Bizu did.
Ponton...
a crime is like a jigsaw puzzle.
You have to have the jig and you have to have the saw.
You have the jig, but no saw.
Where is your saw?
"Oh, Your Honor, I want to present a case, but all I have is a jig.
Is that okay?"
What?
Nothing.
I thought you said:
No.
Strange.
Oh, it's you.
I hope you don't mind I let myself in with the spare key.
- Oh, no, no. - And, look.
I got your pants back from the tailor.
- Plus a spare. - Good.
- Would you like some water? - Yes, please.
You know, Nicole, this crime is forcing me to use all my knowledge.
Everything I have learned in a lifetime of investigating is coming into play.
Do you mind if I have these? I haven't eaten.
Oh, please, go ahead.
Things are appearing in my mind that I did not even realize was there.
And yet the in...
Oh, my God. The Heimlich! The Heimlich!
Are you feeling better?
Yes, thank you. You are so good at it.
Where did you learn that?
I used to practice on mannequins, pillows...
but frankly, it was the expression on your face...
that told me that you needed it.
Now, Ponton, what do you have for me?
It seems you were right about Bizu. He was just found dead...
in the training facility locker room.
- Shot in the head. - Was it fatal?
- Yes. - How fatal?
Completely.
I want to talk to him now.
He's dead.
You there. Halt.
You are Yuri the trainer who trains.
Yeah, that's right.
I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.
Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room.
You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.
You are finding something amusing here?
I'll be honest with you. I...
I find your accent quite funny.
- Where are you from? - From Russia.
Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.
You need to work on your accent.
- What? - What?
- What? What? - What?
- I don't have time for this.
I have to solve a murder.
Please, tell me what you saw.
Well, I didn't see anything.
I was passing by the locker room.
It was late, past time anyone should be there.
I heard movement on the other side of the locker-room door.
I heard Bizu say:
"Oh, it's you."
And then there was gunfire.
Ponton, go to your databases.
I want to interrogate every person in Paris with the name "You."
And, Ponton...
don't you find it a bit of a coincidence...
that the body fell perfectly within the chalk outline on the floor?
I think they drew the chalk outline later.
We are dealing with some kind of mastermind.
Ponton, I want to interrogate this man Raymond Larocque.
Where is his casino?
Park it close by. Unless you want to know what else is good for you.
You continue to surprise me, inspector.
Get used to it, Ponton. With me, surprises are rarely unexpected.
Yes, the weather is nice today. Let's hope it continues.
Ponton, go find security.
Tell them I want to converse with Mr. Raymond Larocque.
- You're not coming? - Something has come up.
If the weather stays this mild, we are all in for a treat.
- Place your bets. - I am in law enforcement too.
Am I that obvious?
No, it's just that I have an ear for such things.
Here is your mojito.
- Flame it. - No more bets.
Impressive.
I will remember that.
I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau. I am here on a very important case.
Boswell. Nigel Boswell. Agent 006.
- Know what that means? - Of course I do.
You are one short of the big time.
I, too, am on a very important case, inspector.
So you understand what I mean when I say...
no one must know that I am here.
I have just slipped my cell-phone number into your pocket.
Call me if you need any help.
I will, inspector.
Well...
Monet. Very impressive, Monsieur Larocque.
Very impressive, Inspector Clouseau.
Please make yourself at home. Now, how can I help you?
I am investigating the murder of Yves Gluant.
Yves.
Fascinating man.
Would you happen to know what he paid for the Pink Panther?
He inherited it. It cost him nothing.
It cost him his life.
I would like to take a closer look at your bowls.
- My what? - Your bowls.
I would like to take a closer look...
at your big brass bowls.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Han Dynasty.
- Very rare. Beautiful. - I see you have an eye for antiques.
Some here are real and some are copies.
I'm sure you can tell which are which.
Second century. Very rare.
One should always handle an antique vase from the inside.
Otherwise the oil from the hands can damage the patina.
Pure alabaster.
Lovely.
That's odd. What I did, I went like this, and then...
This is weird.
Why did you take out a life-insurance policy on Gluant?
The insurance company won't pay unless the murderer is caught.
And if it turns out to be me...
they won't pay at all. Do you understand?
But you stood to gain from Gluant's death, didn't you?
Gain? What would I gain?
Gluant's share of the restaurants.
Oh, the restaurants were a disaster.
Gluant was siphoning money out faster than it came in.
My only consolation was he'd lose the money gambling in my casino.
But after a while his losses became so ridiculous...
he promised me his ring as collateral.
But someone had words with Gluant...
the night before he was killed.
- Didn't you? - No.
You didn't threaten to break his legs and then crush him into powder?
No.
Perhaps I saw that on TV.
Well, I can certainly think of a better place for this.
That's my personalized cell-phone tone ring.
Hello?
Yes, this is Inspector...
Yes, I could meet you. In the restaurant?
Yes, of course. Right away.
Gentlemen, something has come up. Please excuse me.
- Monsieur Larocque. - Yes.
Is this vase of great value?
It is a worthless imitation.
Good.
But that desk was...
priceless.
- Clouseau. - Oh, yes.
I need your help. Now, it's very important that you remain calm...
and you do not turn around. - Remain calm. Do not turn around.
Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits.
Oh, my God! The Gas Mask Bandits!
- All Europe is looking for them. - How can I help?
- Just give me your coat. - Yes, of course. Why?
I'm not supposed to be here.
But I can't let the Gas Mask Bandits escape.
- Put it on. - Yes. Yes, of course. But why?
I'm not supposed to be here, remember?
Inspector.
My God, man, that was fantastic.
Inspector, was Clouseau's plan to set a trap for the Gas Mask Bandits?
Does Clouseau think the Bandits are connected to the Pink Panther?
Is Clouseau going to be promoted, sir?
I cannot comment on ongoing investigations.
Drive.
Inspector?
Clouseau?
Good one.
Thank you.
Now, what do you have for me?
We have rounded up all the people in Paris...
with the name "You." - Finally, we are getting somewhere.
Read that back.
You may go.
You speak Chinese?
What, you don't think I speak Chinese?
If I don't speak Chinese, what are we doing here?
That must be funny around the water cooler.
"Oh, Inspector Clouseau does not speak Chinese.
Let's take him out for lunch. We will all speak Chinese.
He won't know what we are talking about."
Is that what you like to do? Is that funny?
Of course I speak Chinese.
Clouseau?
Bonjour, Nicole.
Could I see you in my office in a few minutes?
I'll be right with you, inspector.
Yes, inspector?
Nicole.
The weather has been so pleasant.
I was wondering if you think it's going to stay this mild.
I certainly hope so.
But do you think the weather...
is going to change?
Let's keep our fingers crossed...
that it stays this mild.
And here's another one for you!
Now let's see who you are.
It is "Inspector Dreyfus."
The intruder is obviously wearing a flesh mask.
But that will come off.
My face!
Maybe there is a seam under your hairline.
I'll just turn you around.
Are you feeling any better? I am so sorry, inspector.
Let's just forget it.
I thought I would stop by and let you know how we are doing on the case.
Oh, I'll just...
stay back here. - Yes, of course.
I see you have one of these collapsible pointers.
So very useful.
It is so degrading to have to point with your finger...
or one of those long wooden sticks...
like you are some sort of primitive oaf.
But you have one of these, you just snap it open and you are ready to go.
The case. The case, Clouseau.
Yes, the case.
The case is going quite well. I have prepared a list of suspects.
And how many suspects do you have?
Twenty-seven thousand six hundred eighty-three.
It's just a matter of time now, isn't it?
- Have you eliminated any suspects? - Yes.
One.
One. And who would that be?
Gluant.
Gluant is the victim.
Excellent, inspector.
We think alike.
One clue leading inexorably to the next.
Just leave it.
I assure you, inspector...
I will soon have your criminal cornered like a...
Like a... Like... Like a... Like...
Like something... Something that you... You corner.
- Well put. - I see you enjoy wordplay.
We will have to have lunch one day...
and engage in a little verbal jousting.
I'm sure you're quite the raconteur.
Yes.
So I will call you for lunch.
There's only one item on the agenda of this committee:
To approve the list of nominees for our nation's highest award...
the Medal of Honor.
The two nominees are...
Charles Dreyfus...
No.
and Sister Marie-Hugette...
whose selfless concern for our nation's orphans...
is an inspiration to us all.
I would like to add one more name for the committee's consideration.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau, the man who came here from a small village...
to investigate the murder of Yves Gluant...
who just last night captured the notorious Gas Mask Bandits.
Yes. Interesting idea.
- An average Frenchman. - Exactly.
Excellent idea.
All in favor?
How is it I was not informed of Clouseau's going to that casino?
- It was the middle of the night. - Oh, it was the middle of the night.
What, you did not want to wake me?
I want to know of Clouseau's whereabouts...
every hour, 24 hours a day.
You miss one call, and I will have you kicked off the force.
- Do you understand? - Yes, sir.
Why are you not with him now?
- I'm here. - Get out.
- Clouseau. - Ponton.
Let's call it a day. I am tired.
I just wanted to see where you are with the investigation.
Good idea, Ponton. To let the subconscious mind...
work on the case while we sleep. Now then, what are the facts?
Yves Gluant was found...
at the international championship semifinal...
with a poison dart in his neck. - The crime!
Bizu wanted to kill him, but is now himself dead.
A complication!
Gluant was siphoning off money...
from Larocque. - A motive!
And close to the body was the singer, Xania.
Xania is not the killer.
But I suspect she knows more than she is telling me.
- Where is she now? - She left suddenly for New York.
We are going to have to follow her and find out what she is up to.
And if I am going to America...
I am going to have to speak with a flawless American accent...
so as not to arouse suspicion.
So find me the greatest accent coach in the world.
I would like to buy a hamburger.
I would like to buy...
a hamburger.
No, no, no. Let's break it down.
I.
- I. - I.
- Would. - Would.
- Weird.
Would.
- Like. - Like.
- To. - To.
To.
- Buy. - Buy.
- Bee.
- Buy. - Bye-bye.
- A. - A.
Hamburger.
- Hamburger. - Hamburger.
I would like to buy a hamburger.
I would like to buy a damburger.
It's not "damburger." Hamburger.
I'm not saying "damburger." I said, "I would like to buy a damburger."
- I would like to buy a hamburger. - I would like to buy the hamburger.
- Hamburger. - I would like to buy a hamburger!
- Maybe we should stop. - We don't quit.
We do not quit. Again! Again!
- I would like to buy a hamburger. - I would like to buy a hamburger!
- I would like to buy a hamburger. - I would like to buy hamburger.
- I would like to buy a hamburger. - I would like to buy a hamburger.
- I would like to buy hamburger!
I would like to buy a hamburger.
- Have you ever had a hamburger? - Well, of course not.
It's a disgusting American food.
I never see you with women.
I'm married.
You don't wear a ring.
To protect her.
I'm afraid some villain might threaten her.
Yes.
Tell me about her.
I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.
What about yourself?
No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman.
I mean, is there a woman in your life?
Oh, no.
Love has not yet come my way.
How could Inspector Clouseau be with a simple woman?
She would have to be so extraordinary in order to keep up.
It's hard.
- What is? - For you to meet someone.
Oh, yes.
We have a big day tomorrow.
We will go to Xania's hotel and find out what she is up to.
- Good night, Ponton. - Good night, Clouseau.
- Good one. - Thank you.
I got her hotel phone records.
Xania made two phone calls...
to a notorious black-market diamond cutter.
There she is! Newspapers!
Newspapers!
Floor 12.
I smell something fishy.
May I help you?
Good teamwork.
Stop! Stop whatever it is you are doing! You are defenseless!
We have already taken care of your thugs patrolling the building.
I don't have any thugs.
You don't?
Ponton, I think we owe those men an apology.
And what is it you are cutting?
Pink diamond. Clear.
- Clear? - It's not the Pink Panther.
And what are you doing here sneaking around?
This purse once belonged to Josephine Baker.
It was falling apart, so I had it studded with diamonds...
to wear on-stage at the Presidential Ball.
Well, why did you just not tell me why you were coming?
I can't be seen at a diamond cutter.
Not after what happened.
That may be one of your mysterious clients now.
Hello?
Yes, I am the person in charge of the phone bill.
Well, I'm somewhat happy with my service.
Twelve months with that many minutes?
Plus free minutes per month?
Yes, sign me up. Yes, Jacques Clouseau...
credit card number:
Yes? Yes, you may have my e-mail address.
DoctorKnockers@aol.com.
Well, I think I just got myself a pretty good deal.
- When are you leaving the city? - I'm leaving tomorrow. Yeah.
I may have to seduce her, Ponton, in order to get her to talk.
- Part of the job. - Talk about what?
I want to find out what time her plane is leaving in the morning.
- Why not just ask her? - Too obvious.
I may have to pump her for information.
- I see. - Inspector...
would you like to join me for dinner at the Waldorf?
Certainly, mademoiselle.
Say, 8:00?
Eight o'clock.
Say, I don't know, my room on the second floor?
"I don't know, my room on the second floor."
I'll see you then.
It might be a trap.
Who cares?
Welcome to my room, inspector.
It is lovely weather we are having.
Oh, yes, baby. Oh, yes.
Why?
Why what?
Why were you being so elusive today?
I was afraid of Larocque.
- He might be following me. - Larocque? The casino owner?
He sent out word threatening to kill anyone...
in possession of the Pink Panther.
He believes it belongs to him.
But why would he follow you?
I was in New York to see a diamond cutter.
He might draw the wrong conclusion.
You know...
a man sitting here in your private suite...
so close to you...
might draw the wrong conclusion too.
Or the right one.
I've heard things about you, inspector.
What sort of things?
That you really know how to treat a woman.
Yes. Yes.
Let the games begin.
Let me just slip away.
Yes!
No! No, no! No, no!
My miracle pill for the middle-aged man.
Give it back.
Inspector?
- Are you all right in there? - I hope you're getting yourself ready.
Inspector? Are you sure you're okay in there?
Yes, I am. I'm fine. I'm just getting in the mood for love.
Well, hello.
We need fresh towels in 204.
Don't ask why, just do it.
You have the flight number. He leaves tomorrow out of JFK.
He'll be easy to spot. He's got white hair, a thin mustache...
brimming with self-confidence and completely lost.
- Did you get the stuff? - Yes.
Good.
Give it to me. Airline food is for suckers.
I will smuggle this on. Just act cool.
- Hey, that's Xania! - Hello.
Hi. Yes, thank you.
I still think she is hiding something, Ponton.
What?
If I knew what she was hiding, then it wouldn't be hidden, would it?
- All right. Thank you. - One more! One more!
Okay, let's go. Next.
Nothing to declare.
- Come on through. - Hand check on two.
- This your bag, sir? - Yes, it is.
- We'll have to hand check it. - Go ahead. I have nothing to hide.
In my bag.
Come with me, sir.
Wait here, pal.
It's a harmless pocketknife.
It's a harmless pair of... Numchucks?
I don't... I don't even own a mace. I don't know where that came from.
I've never seen that stuff in my life.
Jimbo!
You don't need Jimbo.
- Jimbo, stay. - What's in your pocket, sir?
- Nothing. - Sir, I'll say again...
what's in your pocket? - Nothing.
I'm gonna ask you again, what's in your pocket, sir?
All right.
I have, in my pocket...
a couple of "hambwortsforts."
What?
I have in my pocket...
a couple of "dolvargars."
Sir?
- Sir, in your pocket you have? - All right, I have four "hanholders."
I'm sorry. Once more.
Again!
- Sir... - Hey, what's that?
- Sir... Sir, I'm losing my patience. - Oh, you are?
- You are losing your patience? - Yes.
I'm simply telling you I have a couple of "tamburthers."
I've got an End darter down on six. I've got an End darter down on six!
- Locked and loaded, sir! - Show me your hands, sir!
All right, I'll just show you.
- No, no, no! Stay here, sir. - Sic him, W!
- Yes, that's him! - Inspector, what is a "damburgert"?
Inspector, how does it feel to have let down the nation?
So much for the heroic Inspector Clouseau.
Well, this is a glorious day for France.
How so, chief inspector?
Because a stupid idiot named Clouseau...
is going to be stripped of his rank while I take over his case.
You have a second man named Clouseau?
My God. Leave us alone for a moment.
You, out. Go, go. Go. I must have a private word...
with Inspector Clouseau.
Understand something, Clouseau.
When I made you an inspector, it was not because I thought...
you had any value as a detective.
It was because I thought you were the stupidest policeman in all of France.
A hopeless, deluded idiot.
Then I was not promoted for my merits?
I only made you inspector because I needed someone...
who would quietly get nowhere until I was ready...
to take over the case myself.
I was trying to catch a killer.
You were trying...
You were trying to become a hero. Well, you will be stripped...
of your rank, ridiculed by the media...
and I will be done with you.
And now if you will excuse me, ex-inspector, I must go and prepare...
for the arrest which will win me the Medal of Honor...
catapult me to the National Assembly, and after that, who knows?
- Goodbye, Clouseau. - Shall we lock him up?
Look at him.
He is finished. Let him go home to obscurity.
You knew?
Ponton...
things were not as I supposed they were.
And if I ever made you look foolish...
I am sorry.
It was an honor serving under you, sir.
Good one.
The Internet.
Hello, old friend.
"To download your new cell-phone ringtone...
press the button that says 'download."'
I take the mouse and I click, but do not drag...
the button that says "download."
Gentlemen, and lady, good morning.
Meet Dr. Li How Pang.
He was, of course, in the VIP box when Gluant was killed.
Coincidentally, Dr. Pang would send Gluant large sums of money.
Presumably, Gluant was to invest these sums on Pang's behalf.
But being a compulsive gambler, Gluant took the money...
and gambled it all away.
So Pang had the motive.
He had the opportunity.
Pang is in France for the president's ball tonight.
We will arrest him there for the murder of Yves Gluant.
Bravo, chief inspector.
I am pleased to announce that I am personally taking over...
... the Pink Panther investigation and that an arrest is imminent.
- Thank you. - Chief inspector...
... the coroner has announced that Bizu was killed...
... with a perfect shot to the occipital lobe. Any comments?
The occipital lobe?
It's irrelevant.
The occipital lobe.
That makes me feel good.
Zoom.
Of course.
Ponton, I need you over here immediately.
We are back on the case.
Nicole, I believe Bizu and Gluant were killed by the same person.
And that the killer will strike again tonight.
I want you to meet me at the presidential palace.
And bring my vinyl bag marked "presidential palace."
And hurry! Xania is in grave danger.
Ponton, we must get to the presidential palace immediately!
- Put your seat belt on. - I don't need a seat belt.
Let's see what this baby can do!
No. Clouseau should not be on this list.
He is no longer allowed at state affairs.
He has been disgraced and humiliated.
But what about all the reporters who will want to come in?
When the time is right, let them pour in.
Clouseau.
I'm sorry, but your name is not on the list.
Not on the list?
Dreyfus must have made sure you cannot get in.
Ponton.
- Inspector, here is your bag. - Good work, Nicole.
- What is that? - Camouflage. Let's go.
- Nicole. - Yes?
- One last thing. - Yes?
It's evening...
and you look beautiful without your glasses.
Thank you, inspector.
- Chief inspector. - What?
Our men have reported a sighting of Inspector Clouseau.
Clouseau?
I know what he's up to. He wants to try to make the arrest himself.
If you see Clouseau, put him in cuffs for trespassing...
and parade him through the party.
Dr. Pang has arrived.
We will take him after the first song.
Yes, yes. Very true.
Good work, Ponton. We're in.
Look!
It's the killer! After him!
- Change outfits. - Stop! Turn around.
Who are you?
- What are you doing here? - We are... We are two... We are...
- I'll tell you exactly who we are. - Yes.
- We are... - I've been looking for you everywhere.
Where the hell have you been?
- You know these two? - Of course I know them.
They are Xania's backup dancers. They go on in the third act...
with the Komodo dragon and the snow machine.
Why do you think they are dressed like that, for fun?
- Prove it. - We don't have to prove...
Can't you see these dancers are exhausted?
Go and fetch them some water.
That was fantastic.
- You think so? - You are...
an amazing woman.
Inspector, the killer.
Now I am ready to catch a killer.
Stop!
Stop in the name of the law.
Get him!
- Bravo! - Bravo!
Ponton, you follow him that way. I'll go this way and cut him off.
Stop!
Turn around.
- You're under arre... - You are under arrest!
Ponton! After him!
Now.
Go, go!
Well, Dr. Pang. In the name of the statutes...
and laws of the great nation of France...
I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant.
Clouseau! Arrest him.
Which one is he?
That would be him.
In the name of the statutes and laws of the great nation of France...
I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant.
Yuri, the trainer who trains.
And who are you?
I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
Gluant was nothing!
I drew up the plays.
He takes credit for brilliant French defense which I gave him...
and treats me like I'm dead. Fine. Now he is dead from Chinese poison.
Inspector, what made you think it was him?
But, Ponton, think back. You were there.
WHY DO YOU BOTHER ME?
WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE? I'M BUSY.
THE COACH WAS KILLED WITH CHINESE POISON.
YOU SHOULD LOOK FOR SOCCER TRAINERS.
THEY ARE REQUIRED TO HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OF CHINESE HERBS.
She was right, of course.
According to statute 87223, every trainer of the national soccer team...
must have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.
This made it easy for him to murder Gluant.
- And Bizu? - Simple.
Bizu had often heard Yuri's rants against Gluant.
So Bizu blackmailed Yuri and got himself killed.
Oh, it's you.
A stunning shot to the head...
burrowing deeply into the occipital lobe.
But Yuri is a soccer trainer.
That shot was made by an expert marksman.
Chief inspector, I'm sure you're familiar...
with Russian army statute 611.
Well, of course.
All members must be...
expert marksmen... - Expert marksmen.
and understand the location of the occipital...
- Occipital lobe, of course. - Yes.
- Very true. - Yes, Yuri.
Xania is still alive.
But you hated her. And that's why you are trying to kill her.
You hated her because she went with Bizu and then Gluant...
and treated you like you were nothing.
But you forgot a fundamental truth about women.
A woman is like a...
Is like a...
artichoke.
You have to do a bit of work before you get to her heart.
What about the diamond? What about the Pink Panther?
Yes, thank you, Inspector Clouseau for carrying out my orders.
Hand over the diamond, Yuri.
What do I care about your stinking diamond?
He does not have the diamond.
The murderer does not have the diamond?
- No. - Well, then, where is it...
Inspector Clouseau?
It is there! In her purse.
Let me see.
Sorry, Clouseau, no diamond.
The purse, please.
Could you hold that, please?
After Gluant came to me, he said he decided to stop cheating on me.
Then he asked me to marry him...
... and put the ring in my hands.
After he was killed, I thought...
if I came forward with the ring, everyone would think I did it.
If Gluant gave you the ring before he died...
then according to civil statute 812-914B, you are the rightful owner.
You may keep the Pink Panther.
But, inspector, how did you know she had it?
It was simple, Ponton.
I was looking at a photo of myself at the checkpoint.
Something caught my eye:
Xania's purse passing through the x-ray machine.
I enlarged the photo...
... and in it...
... the Pink Panther.
- The case is closed! - Bravo, Clouseau.
Bravo!
Clouseau! Clouseau! Clouseau! Clouseau!
Chief inspector...
I can't thank you enough for giving me...
the opportunity to solve the Pink Panther murder.
Without your decision to put me on the case...
who knows, someone else might've won the Medal of Honor this year.
Yes, I know.
I owe it all to you, chief inspector. Without you, I would be nothing.
- Perhaps you still are. - Excellent verbal joust, inspector.
You idiot! Oh, no.
- Hit it, Ponton. - No! Clouseau!
Stop the car. Dear...
What?
Nothing.
You didn't say:
"Stop the car. Dear God, I beg of you, stop the car"?
No.
Does it hurt?
What?
I can't understand you.
You know what, I think he wants to recline.
There's a lever right here.
Oh, it's on the other side, I'm sorry.
A bit of a reach. Wait a minute. I'll get it.
I'll get it right here.
Is right back here.
There must be a simpler way...
of working this... Oh, there's a remote control...
so that you can just...
It's sensitive! I hardly touched it! But it goes up...
That's it! That's it!
- You know, Ponton. - Yes, inspector.
This is a very hard time for Inspector Dreyfus.
It is important that we show compassion.
And we must use the gentle healing power of laughter.
This is going to hurt.
Clouseau!
That breeze feels good.