WALLY: Look at us.
Running around,
always rushed, always late.
I guess that's why they call it the human race.
What we crave most in this world is connection.
And for some people, it happens at first sight.
It's when you know, you know.
It's fate working its magic.
And that's great for them.
They get to live in a pop song.
Ride the express train.
But that's not the way it really works.
For the rest of us, it's a bit less romantic.
It's complicated and it's messy.
It's about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities
and not being able to say what you need to say
when you need to say it.
At least, that's the way it was for me.
MAN: Taxi. Taxi driver. Taxi, taxi, taxi, taxi.
Fat, pedaling, hooker-looking bitch. Fat, pedaling, hooker-looking bitch.
Fat, pedaling... Fat, pedaling, hooker-looking bitch.
Pig-faced... Pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama.
Pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama.
I got a pig-faced... Pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama.
I've got a pig-faced, gimpy, limping mama limping on by.
Pig-faced... I've got a pig-faced...
Man-boy. Little man-boy. Beady-eyed little man-boy.
Beady-eyed little... Beady-eyed little man-boy.
I see a beady-eyed little man-boy.
Beady-eyed... Beady-eyed little man-boy.
I see a beady-eyed... Beady-eyed little man-boy looking at me.
I got a beady-eyed little man-boy. Beady-eyed little man-boy.
Beady-eyed little man-boy looking at me.
WOMAN 1: I'm sorry about that. You did say that was true.
WOMAN 2: Sorry.
[SIGHS]
You are not a beady-eyed little man-child.
"Boy," he distinctly said, okay? And that's worse.
And I am, I'm like a... I'm a beady-eyed-looking little man-boy
that shouldn't be wearing sweater vests.
He was mentally ill, standing on a street corner.
Kassie, exactly. He had no reason to be polite, okay?
It was like a Tourette's-style truth-serum affliction this guy had,
and I was caught in the cross hairs.
- I can't believe this stuff bothers you. - It does.
Now, I have some big news. I wanna show you something.
First I wanna show you something. Check this out.
- Look at that. - What? What is that?
I seem to have a growth.
Oh, my God, is that your scrotum?
- It's not a sunset. - Ugh. You're exhausting.
My health exhausts you?
- Fine, we'll deal with my death later. - My turn.
- See this? - Yeah.
That's the dollar in yen. I bought in a week ago.
- Good for you. Now look at it like this. - Yeah, sideways.
If someone you knew owned this stock what advice would you give them?
I don't know, Kassie. I gotta look at fundamentals, you know, P/E ratios.
- Simple, simple. Hold or sell? - You gotta sell that, it's going down.
Exactly.
This, Wally, this is what a woman's fertility looks like after a certain age.
So?
So I would like you to be the first to know
I'm having a baby.
- You're pregnant? - No, not yet. But I'm working on it.
Went to the doctor, she said all my levels were really great, considering.
And, uh, she said that my cervical mucus is gorgeous, by the way.
- Thanks for that. - And, uh...
Then she started giving me this lecture about my age,
and I was really starting to hear her about timing and why wait?
[WALLY MOANING]
And, you know, I started...
Would you please stop having sex with food?
Sorry, you know I don't know when I do it.
And then I thought to myself, "I can do this."
I've got a, you know, killer new job at the network,
and I don't need a man to have a baby.
Technically speaking, you do. Where's all this coming from?
Is this about Paul?
Why don't you chalk it up as another of your disastrous flameouts and move on?
This has absolutely nothing to do with Paul.
- I think it does. - And thank you for bringing it up.
All I'm saying is don't kick that can down the road.
You need to look at your relationships instead of biting off the next step.
- Deal with the one before. - You know what?
I'm just tired of thinking about how this is supposed to go, all right?
I'm just ready to do it now.
- Really? - Life is in session.
- Is that from an infomercial? - No.
- Really? - Yes.
- Did you buy the DVD? - One.
But it really was something that resonated with me.
Wally, I don't... You know what? I'm gonna do this.
I want to have a kid, and I am in the market for some...
...semen.
And...
And?
I need you to help me find some.
So, what, are you gonna, like, use a service?
You gonna read résumés? You know, all that stuff is crap.
I heard about this woman in Queens,
she thought she was buying the sperm of an Ivy League athlete,
turned out it came from a homeless guy.
Oh, you did not hear that.
Kid turned out homeless. She tried to sue and she lost.
KASSIE: You just made all of that up.
- Did I? - Why are you even on this train?
Because we're not nearly done talking about this.
Wally, you're a vortex.
I have four interviews this week, one of which I'm prepared for, okay?
Listen. Now, what's wrong with my sperm, by the way?
- With your sperm? - It works.
Nothing.
- I'm sure you have killer sperm. - You're damn right.
But, you know, we're best friends. Isn't that weird? That'd be weird.
- It is weird, you're right. - That's weird.
- You know what else? How do I put this? - Careful.
- You're a little neurotic, you know? - I see.
- Little self-absorbed and pessimistic. - I got it.
And I'm not pessimistic, sorry, I'm a realist.
- Big difference. - Wally, this is not about you.
And whether you can deal with this or not...
- Excuse me. WALLY: Please don't say it.
- Life's in session.
LEONARD: She wouldn't know good sperm if it slapped her in the face. Ugh.
What does she take you for, a eunuch?
- You're jealous. It's perfectly normal. - No, I'm not.
This is bigtime primal stuff you're dealing with, jungle stuff,
and you have every right to be upset.
She put you in the friend zone six years ago, brother.
That's a cold and inhospitable place
where your manhood is an endangered species.
And now we're talking about your seed getting devalued by her.
Hey, so that we're clear, she did not put me in the friend zone.
We put each other in the friend zone. It was mutual.
Let's be honest with ourselves.
You had your window with Kassie,
and you went all Wally on her and you doomed it.
I went what? Hey, what is that even supposed to mean?
You shared too much too soon. Quickest way to kill a romance.
You gotta hide the crazy at least through the appetizers.
I see. So just so that I'm clear,
which one of your three failed marriages taught you that lesson?
All three, in their special and various ways.
Exactly, so, okay, I appreciate the kind advice, but I'm fine.
- Are you? Are you? - Yeah.
Because I still don't know why the hell you e-mailed me a picture of your armpit.
I told you that I thought I had a growth. And was it an armpit?
Oh, golly, I hope so.
[BELL RINGING]
[CHATTERING]
MAN: She's really ambitious, huh? WOMAN: I didn't think she was interested.
Please tell me you didn't invite Wally.
- Of course I did. - Is he bringing that Internet girl?
- No, she broke up with him. DEBBIE: Shocker.
Do you know I've had orgasms that last longer than his relationships?
Would you stop? Sorry.
Okay, here are your talking points, minister.
Listen, I know that Wally can be a bit blunt,
but at least he tells it like it is, you know what I mean?
It's like when things get too intimate, he gets... He walls up.
But nobody... There's nobody I trust more. I mean, he always has my back.
DEBBIE: Yeah, I get it, Kass.
He's your BFF, he's a really good guy. Totally undatable.
KASSIE: Nobody is totally undatable. Come on.
I mean, there's gotta be somebody out there for him.
[BELL RINGS]
Done.
DIRECTOR: Places. - I hope this party doesn't suck.
[KASSIE CHUCKLES]
KASSIE: Yup. WALLY: All right.
- You should have gotten Debbie a gift. - Oh, come on.
It's her 30th birthday. She's really vulnerable.
Pretending it's actually her 30th is gonna be my gift to that old bag.
[KASSIE CHUCKLES]
Hey, so here's where I'm at.
So I want a donor that I can meet, you know?
I want someone whose eyes I can look into.
I wanna be able to, you know, shake his hand.
And you can't do that at a sperm bank, right?
I also want it fresh, you know? I don't really... I don't think I want it frozen.
- Who wants frozen? - Frozen's so refreshing, though.
What kind of qualities would you be shopping for?
Uh, sense of humor is most important.
Why do women always say that sense of humor is always the most important thing?
We all know that that's a lie.
- Okay, so then height. - No.
But, you know, funny height. Funny height.
[DAN HARTMAN'S "INSTANT REPLAY" PLAYING ON STEREO]
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTERING]
DEBBIE: Come on, Wally Mars, aren't you gonna dance with me?
No, I'm not, birthday girl.
- I'm not really feeling it tonight, you know? - You are such a buzzkill.
I don't wanna break your flow.
You were doing a great job of killing it over there.
You dressed up for my party. That's so nice.
- You're welcome. - Stripes.
[DEBBIE CHUCKLES]
Okay, who's dancing with me?
Just perfect. Ha, ha.
Sounds good. It's a funny horror film?
DECLAN: Well, it's a horror film meets, uh...
Well, they haven't really made an honest kickboxing film yet.
That's so true.
I hadn't thought about that, but you're absolutely right.
- That's... - Hi. I'm bored. Let's get a kebab.
Wally, this is Declan. He's a, uh, writer-slash-director.
- Hey, double threat. - Hey, Wally.
KASSIE: This is one of my oldest friends. - That's right.
- He's an equities analyst. Ha, ha. - Analyst.
- Seriously, come with me. - I think I'm gonna stay.
- I don't think so. - What?
Hey, Wally, you, uh, got any great stock tips for me?
Oh, Declan, they're all, you know, they're all going straight up.
You want some free advice? Go on margin, go strong, go long.
- Let's do it. - Go strong, go long?
- That's right. - Really?
- Yup. - You always tell me to get out.
- Changed my mind. Let's go, one second. - Short and fast.
Oh, boy, you see that? You just got finger-gunned.
I heard it.
- Come on. Please? - Oh, God, what?
- He's married. - Divorced.
- Then he's lying. - How do you know that?
There's a tan line on his finger where his ring should be.
What?
You're not thinking of this guy as a donor, are you?
You know what? I don't know. I don't know. I still might do it.
What are you talking about? Wait a sec, are you out of your mind?
You're gonna let Captain Douche be the father of your child?
- That just locks it up for you? - I don't know yet.
All right.
- I'll tell you what, you're on your own. - Oh, yeah, okay.
[SIGHS]
Okay.
Wally.
Wally. Wally!
[NU SHOOZ'S "I CAN'T WAIT" PLAYING ON STEREO]
Wally!
[MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES]
Declan, Declan, hey.
Kassie left.
- What? - Yeah, Kassie had to go.
Where?
She had to go to her dealer's house, okay?
This guy's a little bit of a paranoid, so she went by herself.
She's gone to go pick up some drugs.
Some ecstasy, bro, and some Viagra, all right?
And she digs you.
- Ha, ha. She digs me. - You bet your ass she digs you. It's on.
It's on like "Donkey Kong," is actually what she wanted me to say to you.
Now, this is the address of the love shack, and you gotta go right now.
Go, seriously. Establish a safe word too, okay?
Wally! Come on.
I cannot... You sent him to Washington Heights?
Yeah, Harlem's too gentrified. I had to go higher.
Wasn't even gonna go through with it. It was just an idea.
You know, I wanted to let it breathe.
God, what's wrong...? Why have you been so weird lately?
- I haven't. - Yeah, you have.
- I don't think you should do it, you know. - What?
- The whole baby thing, all right? - Stop it.
- It's not right, it's not natural. - Wally, stop.
What if you meet someone tomorrow, all right?
Or like six months from now.
You guys fall in love, and by the time you realize it, it's too late.
Why is this so hard for you to accept?
Look, I'm not going to wait around
for some version of this that might never happen, okay?
Look, this wasn't my plan either.
I didn't grow up in Minnesota dreaming of the day
that I was gonna put an ad out for a sperm donor on Craigslist.
But I'm here and it's happening and it's scary, and I can't count on you?
I can't ask for your support without you just spewing out constant judgments?
You're supposed to be my friend.
Well, yeah.
I think we should take some time.
I think we need a timeout.
Already learning how to speak Mommy, huh?
Wow. Taxi.
See you later.
I'm not just your friend. Debbie Epstein's your friend.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
Look at you. Somebody chasing you?
- Dude. - Yup.
- Let me guess, Kassie issues? - No, no, there's no issue.
We haven't seen each other for a week.
- She says we're on a timeout. - Timeout?
- Yeah. - Timeout?
What are you, 6? You didn't share your animal crackers?
Grown-ups don't go on timeouts.
Grown-ups have sex with their lady friends, Mars.
Okay, you're eating a chocolate bar on two.
It's not on two. It's certainly not on two. And I needed just a little energy.
- And I'm in the fat-burning zone. - Right.
You're burning muscle. This is how you burn fat.
[SUNRIDER'S "THE BOMB!" PLAYING ON STEREO]
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTERING]
WOMAN: Aloha. Ha, ha. - Hi. Oh, ha, ha.
So sweet.
Can I just do it then? You're busy. Okay?
Well, this is confusing. One more of these. I got it.
Cool if I did this by myself? Picking up on your eyes.
- Hey, Wally, want me to top off? - Hi. No, thanks, I'm good.
- Some bubbly? - No, thank you.
I'm gonna stick with the hard stuff tonight.
Hey, so who does this? A party for insemination?
- Is there even a doctor here, Debbie? - Yes, Dr. Orensen.
That guy? Does he, like, practice out of a camper?
He's progressive.
This whole night was my idea. It's how everybody's doing it these days.
And Kassie's gonna go in the other room, we're all gonna leave,
and she's gonna, like, do the deed with this big baster.
Shouldn't that be cleaned or something?
- Why is it up here? - I'm messing with you.
- Oh. - Ha, ha. Wally, you're so funny.
Debbie, knock that off.
She's gonna use a medical device.
But, you know, it's basically the same thing.
- It goes in and out. - Mm-hm.
Charming.
Wally, what is wrong with you? You have, like, this negative...
All these negative ions that pop off like fleas.
- Here, try this, it'll make you less anxious. - What's this?
I stole them from my mother.
They're herbal.
But they might as well be pharmaceutical.
- If I take one, will you walk away? - I should change the guacamole.
You know when it goes from green to brown, like, ugh, that putrid...?
Kind of like your sweater.
WOMAN: Debbie. DEBBIE: All right.
[MOANING]
WALLY: Unbelievable.
Come on.
This is a strange one, huh?
- Only Kassie would do it like this. - Yeah?
- I don't know her that well. - No?
- Can I get you a drink? - Uh, yes, you sure can.
Thanks, bartender. I'm Wally.
Roland. I'm the, uh, donor.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
- Roland, the donor. - Yeah.
I am... I am Wally, the best friend. Kassie's best friend.
Oh. That's okay.
Great.
WOMAN: Hi. ROLAND: Ahem. Hi.
I feel like the prized hog.
[CHUCKLES]
Bet you're used to that, huh? Hey, let me ask you a question. Um...
Uh, why are you doing this?
We could use the money.
- We? - Yeah, my wife and I.
Yeah, she's right over there.
WALLY: Wow, she's beautiful. ROLAND: Yeah, thank you.
Mm-hm, she's the...
She's the light of my life. She is, uh... She's my soul mate.
Oh, man. Is she...? I'll bet... Is she the wind under your wings?
- Yeah. - Right, I get it.
Yeah. Yeah, so it gets a little tough on a teacher's salary.
I'm an assistant professor at Columbia.
I teach a course on feminist literary tradition.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
DEBBIE: Okay.
- It's game time. You ready? - Uh, okay.
Pick out a nice room, put everything, well, you know.
Duty calls. Good talking to you, Wally.
Isn't he great?
- Make way. It's happening, people. MAN: All right, all right. No pressure.
Hi.
I just met your Viking.
- Gorgeous, isn't he? - Yeah, delicious.
What's going on in here?
- Truth? - Mm-hm.
I'm freaking out.
I really thought that throwing a party would, you know, make it fun, but it's...
It's just really depressing.
Come on.
You think I'm crazy, don't you?
I think that you wanna have a child, and I think that that's natural.
You're not nuts.
You're okay.
Thank you.
- Oh, Wally, thank you. - All right.
- You get it, don't you? - I get it.
- You get it. - Yeah.
Okay, where's my crown? Oh.
Okay. I'm gonna be fine.
I'm just a little emotional.
Crown looks fantastic.
Bye.
DEBBIE: Let's do a toast. Okay, you guys.
[GLASS CLINKING]
- Are you all ready? GUESTS: Yeah.
DEBBIE: Before we get down to the nitty-gritty and kick you all out,
I just wanted to make a toast to our donor, Roland.
[CHEERING]
GUESTS: Yeah! - Yeah!
Roland, where are you? The man of our night.
Right there. There he is. Roland.
- How'd it go in there? - Uh...
Debbie.
I also wanna make a toast to our Kassie, why we're all here.
You're an inspiration to all of us.
You are taking the bull by the horns.
You're Venus, and we're doing it, you know?
So to Kassie.
It's amazing. We're doing it for ourselves.
WOMAN: Yeah, Kassie!
[MADONNA'S "PAPA DON'T PREACH" PLAYING ON STEREO]
Oh, my God, you... You're kidding.
I didn't even plan this. This is cosmic.
[ALL SINGING]
Hey, Wally.
Come here, come here.
WOMAN: Yes, I'm in here.
- Maybe use the other bathroom. - All right.
[FAT LARRY'S BAND'S "HERE COMES THE SUN" PLAYING ON STEREO]
[WALLY SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
Pff, Kassie.
[PEEING]
Oh. Yeah.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
MAN: Somebody in there? - I'm in here.
MAN: Okay, sorry.
[BELL RINGS]
[VOMITS]
LEONARD: Hey. - Ah. Hey, my head. Please.
You're fired. You're falling apart.
- What the hell was that last night? - What are you talking about?
Showing up at my place at 3 in the morning completely drunk?
- Plastered? What is that? - Whoa, whoa, what?
I was at your place last night?
Yes, and talking some scary mumbiddy-jumbiddy.
I had nightmares after that, man.
What...? What was I saying?
Oh, I don't know, some wild mutterings about risky trade,
Vikings, and, I don't know, the music of it was foul and sinister.
Gave me the willies, gave me the heebie-jeebies.
Very dark, really. Very disturbing.
I loaded you into a car service pretty quick. Forty bucks, my treat.
- Leonard, I don't remember any of that. - What?
How can you not...?
You don't recall at one point, uh, barking out the name Diane Sawyer?
"Diane Sawyer!" You don't remember that? At all?
Diane Sawyer from Good Morning America?
Yeah. By the way, she's always been quite comely, hasn't she?
Creamy complexion. Mm.
I think she was a Miss, uh, Something-or-Other.
I went to Kassie's party, and after that, uh...
I guess I must have blacked out.
- Blacked out? - Yeah.
Well, you threw up in my hallway like a college girl.
You seriously don't remember any of it?
No, zero.
Well, I'm telling you, you need help.
[CHATTERING]
[LEONARD SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]
So nice, so nice.
[WOMAN SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]
Diane Sawyer?
For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak with most miraculous organ.
The play's the thing
Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the King.
WALLY: Ugh. Do we have to see the second half?
KASSIE: Come on, it gets better. - Do you promise?
[KASSIE CHUCKLES]
I'm not even making a joke. I mean, it's really unbelievable in there.
I mean, what is this guy trying to prove, Kassie?
Oh, please. I thought it was extremely powerful.
- Thank you. - It's not powerful.
It's like introducing a new character, you know?
A very small, unsettling, uh, character that, um, you know, frankly...
I'm pregnant.
- That is gonna make the king less inclined to hear this guy out.
I mean, he's not wearing any pants. It's unnecessary.
Did you hear what I just said?
Yeah.
WALLY: She went on to tell me
that she was moving back home to Minnesota.
KASSIE [WHISPERING]: New York City is no place to raise a child.
WALLY: Something about a better place to raise a kid and loving grandparents.
It ruined the second act for me, which was a bummer
because the naked guy ended up killing a bunch of people
and the play got pretty good.
[MOJAVE 3'S "BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS" PLAYING]
Two weeks later, Kassie left.
She got a little choked up as the moving trucks pulled away,
probably sensing what a gigantic mistake she was making with her life.
She bought me an Airedale terrier, who I love.
I had to have my floors redone after one month.
What do people see in dogs? They're worse than babies.
We promised to stay in touch, but who are we kidding?
She was a single mom, and I lived in New York.
There were Christmas cards and e-mails but not much else.
And after seven years,
two failed relationships,
one stock-market crash, and numerous blind dates,
there I was,
right where Kassie left me.
You know, when my friend told me you were still single, I couldn't believe it.
Yep, well...
So you gonna try to take me off the market on the first date, Pauline?
Yes, I am thinking a June wedding.
And then we'll move out to the suburbs, huh?
- Okay. Um, New Jersey? - Great. Easy commute.
Course, I have to work a ton to afford that second house.
[CHUCKLES]
Although that could end up just being an excuse.
I might just be hiding from, you know,
the ever-growing tedium of New Jersey drudgery.
[CHUCKLES]
Which will then create some sort of resentment in you.
But you seem like the kind of person that would internalize that, right?
But, you know, you would act out
in some sort of self-destructive manner later.
That's me.
And I'm the kind of person that would blame myself for that
and probably end up scheduling even more work out of town
to deal with the guilt.
Once I'm out of town, I'm stuck in a hotel,
I gotta masturbate incessantly to the Internet,
and you're probably back home with some afternoon drinking problem.
And I'm gonna end up a pathetic 50-year-old bachelor
wearing 300-dollar jeans at a turnpike nightclub,
speaking to women I should not be speaking to
because they're too young.
[CHUCKLES]
Or it could all work out great.
Absolutely unbelievable. What was I thinking?
Just shut up and smile. No good ever comes from you talking.
VOICEMAIL: You have one unheard message.
KASSIE [ON PHONE]: Hey, Wally, it's Kassie.
Guess what. We are moving back to New York.
I got an amazing offer from ABC, and I found a great school for Sebastian.
He's already practicing his accent.
Now, call me. This is very exciting. Okay, bye.
WALLY: Yeah, well, listen, I was thinking that, uh, after dinner,
maybe we should go by that, uh, wine bar that we love to hate.
You know, I think that cheesy old maître d' that always hit on you,
- I think he's still alive. - Oh, God, how old is he?
WALLY: A hundred and fifteen by now.
[KASSIE CHUCKLES]
Actually, Sebastian prefers only hard alcohol.
Sebastian, huh?
- Not just gonna be you and me? - What, you don't wanna see him?
Come on. And you know what?
You should actually get him something, like a little gift.
- Nothing big. - A small gift, nothing big, huh?
Okay, well, I'll get him, um...
I'll get him... How about I get him a basketball?
KASSIE: Actually, you know, he's not that athletic.
- Well, then what should I get him? - He collects picture frames.
- Picture frames? - Yeah. Yeah, it's weird, I know.
- And he doesn't put pictures in them. - Uh, wow.
That is very unusual, Kassie.
- Debbie's here. She says hi. - Does she?
She's helping me unpack.
Oh, she made a dreamcatcher.
It's just... I don't know. We'll see, we'll just...
So listen, um, I will see you tonight, okay?
Oh, yeah, Wally, thank you for rejecting my friend request.
Did you get that?
You can tell Debbie that it was all part of my master plan
to get her completely out of my life.
Right. I cannot tell her that.
- Yeah, all right. - Okay, see you later.
Okay.
Hi, I'm looking for a young lady that, uh...
Oh, got it, right there.
Pardon me, miss?
Wow.
Hi.
- You look great. - Look at you.
Who took over dressing you?
- Nobody. What are you talking about? - Come on. I like it.
- How's Sebastian? Where is he? - Oh, he's over there.
But listen, if he's a little strange,
it's just he's having some adjustment issues to the move, so...
But he's watching the fish.
- I think he's gonna be just fine. MAN: Matthew, come on, it's time to go.
[SIGHS]
I think I have cyclothymic disorder.
I looked right at the shark and felt nothing.
Honey, I don't know what that is, but I'm sure you don't have it.
Sweetie, this is Uncle Wally. Say hi.
- Hi. - Hi, Sebastian.
Cyclothymic disorder: Emotional ups and downs,
hyperactivity, loss of interest and/or pleasure, lack of sexual drive.
Okay, was I not clear about WebMD?
Sebastian, now, look, Wally has a gift for you.
- Let's see what he got you. - Yes, I do. Take a look at this.
That's so sweet, Wally, very sweet.
Oh, wow.
It's a Lunt Silver Edition.
- Where's the picture? - What picture?
The one that comes with the frame. It's the most important part.
- What? - This frame's used.
Say thank you.
- Thanks. WALLY: You got it.
Look at this. Okay, guys. Here's a big surprise.
I called ahead on the phone, I pre-ordered this.
Are you ready for the best duck in the whole wide world? Huh?
- I can't eat duck. - What do you mean, you can't eat duck?
Wally, do you know what they do to ducks at the waterfowl farms?
No, no, sweetie, I think that's veal. You're thinking of veal.
No, I read about the ducks too.
They force-feed the ducks 7 pounds of food a day
through a plastic tube they drill into their throats.
I called on the phone, I pre-ordered this.
The ducks get this liver disease called hepatic lipidosis
and they can't walk.
Nature's in crisis, and there's only one mammal to blame.
What's going on here? What do you got?
He's stubborn.
Hey, guess what.
This cost me $84,
and it's gonna be about the best culinary treat you've ever had.
I won't do it, Uncle Wally.
- And I'll hate you if you do. - Okay, let's not...
We don't say "hate," sweetie. We don't say "hate."
Okay?
- We can have rice with soy sauce. - Great, rice with soy sauce.
That's a great compromise. Uncle Wally loves rice.
He likes you.
- You're kidding, right? - No, that's like for him, it is.
Hey, listen, will you do me a favor?
Would you watch him for a couple hours this weekend?
- I don't think... - No, it is, here.
See, I have to go to a parent, um, orientation thing at his school.
It would really help me out.
I also think it would be good for you guys to spend some time together,
you know, a little get-to-know-me time.
Hi, excuse me.
Hi, could I get a soda on the rocks, uh, for myself
and, uh, some steamed vegetables?
[MOANING]
- Sorry about that, Wally. - Yeah, don't worry about it.
I'll expense it, okay?
And I'll, uh, just cut it up and put it in my cereal.
- It's better than bananas. - Ooh, that sounds delicious.
The neck is sort of, you know, shaped like banana,
so it'll slice up nice.
KASSIE: Honey, stay close.
- Isn't he great? - Oh, my gosh.
- He thinks I'm a lesbian. - What?
I guess the only mothers he knows with seed guys for fathers are lesbians.
SEBASTIAN: Mom.
- Can I go in? - No, sweetie, we've gotta get home.
He's so smart and willful,
and he considers everything, and it's just never boring.
WALLY: He went in. - I know, he does that.
What's a... What's a seed guy?
Uh, that's his... Part of his birth story.
This should be good.
It's the story I've been telling him about how he got here.
I told him that Mommy didn't have a husband
but wanted you so very, very much that she couldn't wait another day.
And so she went to the doctor, and the doctor said,
"If you go out into the world and you look very, very hard,
you'll find a very special person who, if you ask very nicely,
will give you seeds,"
so that I can plant you in my tummy.
Got it.
But l... You know, I've read all the books
about how you're supposed to talk about this stuff,
and until it happens, nothing can prepare you for the day
when your kid comes home crying after school
because some lard-ass called him a science experiment.
Okay, I'm gonna go in.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
WOMAN: Thank you.
[SOFT POP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
- Who was that? - A text. Text from Roland.
- Who's Roland? - The seed guy. The donor.
- You still talk to him? - Yeah. Well, I called him when I got back.
Why? What for?
Well, there's a reason I didn't want the donor to be anonymous.
You know, so that when Sebastian started asking questions,
I would have answers.
And I'd like to get to know this guy.
You know, someday I think I'd like them to meet.
Okay, what's Mrs. Roland gonna think about all of this?
There isn't a Mrs. Roland. They got a divorce.
So I'm very sorry to hear about your divorce, by the way.
Oh. Thank you.
Don't worry, it's, uh...
I won't get into how the marriage ended.
I don't wanna bore you with the details of how she cheated on me.
- Oh. - Let's just say it's gonna be a long time
before I can trust anyone involved in the instruction of Pilates.
We'll just leave it at that.
Yeah, okay, fair enough.
[CHUCKLES]
So listen, you're under no obligation to do anything.
And I know that you didn't expect to do anything
other than, um, you know, donating.
Uh, which you did so wonderfully, by the way.
- I don't mean that to sound like... - Kass.
You know what I meant. I just meant for future, down the road,
- if he starts to ask questions... - Kass.
KASSIE: Mm-hm?
I was honored to receive your call.
Really?
I always wondered about this, you know, him and you and how it turned out.
I mean, you know...
Roland, would you like to see a picture of him?
- I would love that. - Would you?
- Ready? - Let me see.
Oh.
He's beautiful.
Isn't he?
I gotta say, Kass,
I see a lot more of me in him than you.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Wow.
ROLAND: Hey, I didn't get to say this to you back then, but I really respect you.
Your choice, in doing this the way that you did.
It took a lot of guts.
It was courageous, and I simply don't see that out there.
- What? - No, nothing. It's just...
That's a really kind thing to say.
Well, it's true.
Well, this went... This went a lot better than I expected.
Yeah, for me too.
Yeah.
KASSIE: Coffee hot? ROLAND: Yes.
[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]
WALLY: I've always found penguins a bit of a mystery.
SEBASTIAN: I think puppets are a mystery.
- I'm having a birthday party. - Oh, yeah? Well, you enjoy that.
There's gonna come a time
when you're not gonna want people to know it's your birthday.
Why wouldn't anyone want people to know about their birthday?
Because getting old sucks.
Most people don't accomplish what they'd hoped to,
and they realize that they're most likely not going to.
They end up living these quiet lives of denial,
and, you know, brushing birthdays under the rug
just becomes a big part of that.
Do you ever get scared that you could have Parkinson's disease?
Not specifically Parkinson's, but I'm not gonna lie,
I've had my bouts with hypochondria.
What's that?
That's thinking that you have diseases that you don't really have.
Oh, my God, I have that.
WALLY: Do you wanna tell me about your new school?
SEBASTIAN: Why?
Because you're a kid, there's nothing else to talk about.
SEBASTIAN: Well...
I don't wanna talk about it.
What's his name?
Aaron O'Connor.
- How'd you know? - Because I've been there.
- You went to P.S. 66? - No, the proverbial there.
You know you're gonna have to stand up to him sooner or later, right?
I don't want to.
Well, then he's probably gonna kick your ass.
You all right with that?
But he's bigger than me and he knows karate.
Oh, he's a karate guy. Well, then just, uh...
Tell you what. What you do is you act crazy.
- What? - Yeah, you act crazy, all right?
No one messes with the crazy guy.
You just look at him like you just don't give a fu...
Funyun.
- Like a don't give a Funyun? - That's right, like you don't give a Funyun.
Like you don't care what happens to you, okay?
Just like you're insane.
Crazy people are wild cards, they're very unpredictable.
You never know what they're gonna do. It makes people very scared.
It scares even Aaron O' Connor.
- Okay? - Okay.
He looks just like you.
[CHUCKLES]
He's not my son.
- How old is he? - Uh, I think he's 5. Five, I think.
Well...
He's a little you.
It's really cool.
[LOUD VEHICLE PASSES]
Hi. Come here.
Hey. Hi.
- We went to the zoo, and it was really fun. - Really?
Oh, my gosh, that sounds like so much fun.
Wally showed me the whole park.
KASSIE: Mm.
- Would you grab my bag? - Yeah.
KASSIE: Okay, tell me more about it. What else did you see?
So here's what we got.
If you go with the cowboys again, that means that in your dreams,
you're gonna travel to the plains of Colorado
and you're gonna herd cattle.
But I don't wanna kill any Indians.
Well, you don't have to kill any Indians, honey.
- What about if I go with the astronauts? - Okay.
If you go with the astronauts,
that means you're gonna travel to the moon,
and you'll be driving on the moon in one of those really cool buggies
that has a flag coming out of the back.
SEBASTIAN: I think I'll go with the astronauts.
KASSIE: Good choice. Let's get you in bed.
Oh, my Lord, to the moon we go.
We're gonna have to decide who's gonna be sleeping with Sebastian tonight.
SEBASTIAN: Hmm. - Duck or unfortunate chicken?
- Dead chicken. - Dead chicken?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh, poor dead chicken.
God, he's exhausted.
What did you do to him?
WALLY: Did you finally get him to pass out?
Yup, I did. What are you looking at?
Looking at some really weird pictures for some reason you keep.
Like this one. That was not a great choice.
Are you kid...?
- Fabulous choice. What do you mean? - Not really.
And how odd that you were the only one not in costume.
So not like you.
If I had bunny ears like that, I would've worn them.
- That was our second date, right? - Yes, I think you're right.
And didn't you make us dance to C+C Music Factory this whole party?
- I think you did. - I do believe I did make us do that.
Yeah. They were like your favorite band back then.
- You were, like, a C+C super fan. - That's right, I was.
And you kissed me at this party, I think.
I didn't kiss... I was in character. I was a Playboy Bunny.
- Please. - Big kiss.
Do you remember that you disappeared on me that night?
You were supposed to take me home.
Heading for the hills when things get too intense?
That doesn't sound like me.
[WALLY CHUCKLES]
Wasn't this the trip that I was supposed to go on that I didn't go on?
Wasn't it your third, um?
SEBASTIAN: Mom, I think I wanna herd cattle.
Okay.
I'm gonna...
I'm going to...
- I gotta go get into my p.j.'s too. - Okay.
WALLY: I'll call you in the morning.
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE ON TV]
And the most inventive are video open houses right now.
LEONARD [ON PHONE]: Hello? WALLY: Hey, Leonard, Wally here.
Listen, I'm freaking out a little bit.
LEONARD: Yeah. Yeah, no. Put it in my mouth.
WALLY: Hello? - Hello? Yes? Wait a second.
Are you eating? Want me to call you back?
No, no, no, I'm fine. Tell me what you're freaking out about.
Well, you know, I just... I think that, um, l...
[STAMMERS] That somehow... Hey. Okay, stay with me here.
I've been hanging out with Sebastian a lot over the last couple of weeks,
and there's these similarities and coincidences that...
I mean, I gotta run this stuff by Kassie. She's, uh...
LEONARD: What's the matter? - Here comes the crazy. Somehow...
- Yes? - It's like this kid is mine.
- Like he's more me than the Viking. - The kid might be yours?
Viking?
I don't know why, vaguely, what you're saying...
Hmm. Hmm.
Where are you now? Come over here, why don't you?
WALLY: Hang on. LEONARD: What?
- Why wouldn't you tell me that before? - Because... Don't get mad at me.
Because you never needed my help before this.
I'm giving you everything I have. You know, this was seven years ago.
You were so drunk and you were talking gibberish,
and I didn't know that, uh, "trading Diane Sawyer to the Vikings"
meant anything to anybody.
- How...? What does that mean? - What does it mean? What...?
Roland is the Viking, the Viking is Roland. Don't you see what that means?
Who is Roland?
Kassie's donor is Roland. Roland's the Viking.
He's the donor. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you that.
Okay, well, okay.
So, what you're saying is that, um, he is the donor,
and there was a trade made.
- Yup. - Okay, uh, what kind of trade?
- Who...? For who? Who? - Oh, my God, holy shit.
I mean, you don't think that I could have...? That I?
You're what? You're what? Help me out here.
That I could have traded the Viking's ingredient for my...
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Wow. How would that have even occurred? Was there?
I'm trying to picture it. Was there access to, uh, his ingredients?
- I don't even know... - Was there access?
I mean, I don't know, I...
LEONARD: Uh-oh.
Oh, jeez. I'm getting a bad feeling about this.
- Yeah, I think that there was access. - Really?
- Is it starting to come back? - Yeah, there was access. Oh, my God.
- I don't like the way this is going. - Oh, my God, I got...
I think I got Sawyer in the bathroom, I think.
Because Kassie knows Diane Sawyer and invited her somehow?
WALLY: Oh, my God.
I switched it.
L... Oh, that's... My God. You switched? Really?
I hijacked Kassie's pregnancy?
Oh, that's ill-advised.
How do I not remember that?
Well, because you were horribly drunk, you're a...
You repress everything.
You know, I've told you about hungry dogs in the cellar.
If you don't feed them, you don't acknowledge them,
at some point they're gonna get out somehow and do something unsavory.
- Exhibit A. - My God, am I a horrible person?
- No, no, no. - Oh, Leonard, I gotta go tell her.
Oh, no, no, no. Telling Kassie? Oh, that's... Ay.
Well, yes, but that's so challenging, so delicate.
It's the right thing to do, Leonard.
Yeah, maybe, but don't you wanna talk to a lawyer first?
- There are... - Huh? No, no. No lawyer.
- I gotta go tell her. - Yeah, okay, but before you go, though...
- Okay. - Um, if this is true, gee, what great news.
- Congratulations, you're a father. - That's not helpful.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi, Wally.
Hey, buddy. What are you doing awake?
Insomnia.
- Where's your mom? - In her bath.
Mom, Wally's here!
KASSIE: Uh, okay.
[VARIOUS SPEAKERS ON TV]
You can use them any...
- McKay... ...money back...
...maxed out... ...or fun.
...until we... ...brand-new...
- Visit your loc... ...cheetahs...
- Fight for... - The cent...
- Hey, what are you doing? - Watching TV.
No, you're not, actually,
you're just incessantly switching those channels.
No, I'm watching all the shows at once.
WALLY: Guess what. - Three big cats.
- Hey, listen. - Hey.
We're gonna have to do this better, okay?
Because we're gonna be in each other's lives for a very long time.
Why are we gonna be in each other's lives for a long time?
Because, um, you know, I'm, uh...
I'm your... I'm friends with your mother.
Well, that doesn't mean you're friends with me.
- So give me the clicker. - No.
- Yes.
- No, Sebastian. No. - Yes. Yes.
KASSIE: Wally. - Yes?
- What are you doing? - I need to talk to you.
Okay.
Outside.
Outs?
I'll be right outside.
- That is quite... - It's that easy.
- All the way outside? - I think it's better. Just... Almost there.
Um...
So, uh, listen, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just...
I'm gonna start, um...
You're the most important person in my life.
- Yeah. - Um...
It's difficult.
It's like the hardest thing I've ever had to say to anyone,
okay, because you know that I would do anything for you, Kassie.
We've known each other for such a long time,
so the last thing I wanna do is lose you, okay,
but just, some things have to be said, you know,
even if they're uncomfortable...
Stop, Wally.
I think I know what you're gonna say.
- I don't think you know. - Wally.
Since I've been back...
And we have known each other for such a long time.
Clearly, we missed each other.
I would be lying if I said I didn't realize
that there was a definite, you know, energy between us.
I mean, sometimes... You know, sometimes I feel it too.
- Energy? - Yeah.
I mean, that's what you're trying to tell me.
That you have feelings for me.
Right?
Not exactly, but...
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
What?
I'm... You know what?
L... No, no. I'm just really... It's complicated, Wally. I'm like:
Just work, and I'm sort of in this Roland thing,
so I'm not, you know...
WALLY: Huh? - L... I'm sorry. Ha, ha.
- What? - I don't... You know what?
Let's just say good night. Let's "good night" it.
And, um, again, I'm sorry, and I just... You get it.
Ouch.
Great.
- Sebastian, please open the door. SEBASTIAN [ON INTERCOM]: No.
- Roland thing? - Oh, such a... Not a good time.
Not a good time.
- Sebastian. - What Roland thing?
We've just been spending some time together.
Is it like dating?
- L... Yeah, I guess. I... - Has he met Sebastian?
Shh.
- Does Sebastian know...? - No.
I've set specific rules.
Sebastian just doesn't like when I'm with anybody.
That's why he's doing this. Sebastian.
[DOOR BUZZES]
- Where did Roland take you? - A reading.
- Like a book reading? - Would you please?
- What was the reading about? - It was about a kayak.
- A kayak? - Sebastian!
- Sounds like a great date. - Open this door right now.
SEBASTIAN: Open it yourself.
- What? - You both are driving me crazy.
She's mad.
She's got a boyfriend.
A few dates don't make a boyfriend.
I'm 6, by the way.
- What's that? - You told the lady on the bus I was 5.
I'm not, I'm 6. My birthday's soon.
Are you still going to come to my party?
Yeah, Sebastian, I'm gonna be there.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[CHILDREN YELLING AND CHATTERING]
MAN 1: Are you ready?
MAN 2: Don't worry, I got you. MAN 1: Feels good, huh?
KASSIE: Yeah, so go get your sneakers on and go climb that wall.
- It should be fun. WALLY: Hey.
MAN 3: Let's go, sweetheart.
- Hi. - Hey.
- How are you? - Good.
Um, can we talk about the other night? Uh, I haven't been able to sleep.
The energy thing.
Wally, can we please just forget that?
I definitely think it's worth talking about because it's certainly something that...
- Hi. - Now, that's a party.
[ROLAND CHUCKLES]
Who says a small wall can't be invigorating?
KASSIE: I don't know.
- I was just... - Wally, do you remember Roland?
- Baba ganoush. - Baba ganoush?
You had baba ganoush all over your shirt.
Kassie's party a few years back. You were hysterical. Ha, ha.
Yeah. What a memory.
- Thank you. - Hey, where's Sebastian?
- I wanna give him this gift. - He's right over there.
- Put it on. Seriously. - No.
- Let me take that for you. - That's okay, I got this.
No, come on, I'll put it with the rest of the other gifts.
- Okay, you got it now. ROLAND: Great.
- All right, gifts ahoy. - Roland's here.
- Yeah. So... - And in charge of the gifts.
- And what have you got on today? - What?
- It's a rock-climbing outfit. - Is it?
Yeah, Roland got it for me because it was...
Listen, come on, be nice.
Pretty aerodynamic. Lot of wind up there?
- Can you...? Never mind. ROLAND: Fantastic, okay.
- I don't wanna climb the wall. - What?
- No, but I promise you it's gonna be fun. - I don't think so.
Sebastian, the whole reason we're having your party here
is to climb the wall.
We don't want the wall to go to waste, now, do we?
You feeling it?
So where did Sebastian really wanna throw his party?
A kill shelter.
A kill shelter?
It's like a last-stop dog shelter before they, you know.
Anyway, and he thought it would compel people to save dogs, but...
- Smart. - But this is good for him, you know?
- Because it gets him active and athletic. SEBASTIAN: It's too high! No!
WALLY: I get it. - What is he doing?
SEBASTIAN: Get me down! - Sebastian, that's too high.
- Mom! - He's up too high.
Just let go of the wall, man, the harness will hold you.
KASSIE: Just do what he says and let go.
- What if it breaks? - The most important thing is to have fun.
- Yes. - I don't want to.
Sebastian, you're gonna be okay, pal. Just count to three and let go.
SEBASTIAN: I'm scared.
I got this.
I'm coming, buddy. All right.
TRAINER: It's not Everest, chief, relax. ROLAND: I got it, guys.
- Yeah. - Get away from me.
ROLAND: I'm gonna get you.
- No. - I'll take you down, okay?
SEBASTIAN: Stop. ROLAND: I'm gonna help you.
- I got him. - Let go of me, you big monkey.
Let me go.
[PEOPLE CLAPPING]
- Stop. - Hold on.
I hate that stupid wall. And this is the worst birthday party ever.
- Mommy, I don't wanna be here. - Oh, baby, I'm sorry. Are you okay?
You're fine.
You're all right. You're okay. I'm sorry.
It's okay. All right, don't worry.
Come on, honey, let's go... Let's go wash you up.
Boy, that was an unfortunate one for you, but he'll be all right, you know?
Yeah.
Hey, I don't know you very well.
What do you say we get a drink after this?
- Um... - All right.
Oh, it's just the most beautiful place on Earth.
- Have you ever been to Michigan, Wally? - I went to Detroit for a meeting.
Oh. I'm talking about the upper peninsula.
I've got a little cabin there on Neebish Island.
Been in the family for 30 years.
I'm thinking of taking Kassie there. I know it's early, but I'm really feeling it.
I mean, what do you think? You want another beer?
No, no, no, thank you.
- You sure? - Yeah, and I do have to go.
Uh, you know, hey, listen, I'm so happy, uh, that we did this.
The kid hates me, Wally.
No, no, no. No, I don't think, uh, Sebastian hates you.
No, no, he does. He's told me a couple times.
Oh, well, um...
It's just, oh, man, he's got some, uh...
- Rough edges? - Yeah, that's it, yeah. I mean, he's...
He worries a lot, he questions everything. He's really...
- Neurotic? - Yes, that's the word.
So, what's the problem?
Well, I don't really relate to that.
Well...
Neurotic is simply an intense form of introspection, okay?
So you're basically calling him introspective,
and being introspective is good, okay?
It's walking around with an opinion, with a point of view,
- with some sort of nice kind of direction. - Yeah, yeah. You've got it too.
- What are you talking about? - Yeah, those rough edges.
I mean, don't get me wrong, it's beautiful.
Thanks. Hey, what's not beautiful to you? You know?
See? You did it again. That's it, you got that focus.
But that's how we're alike, Wally, we're both determined.
Sebastian may be, uh, resistant to me now, but I'll get through.
Life throws you curveballs, that's for sure, right?
I mean, a few months ago, I was planning on having children
with a woman who I'm pretty sure I'll never see again.
A few months ago?
- Yep. - That's it, huh?
And now I'm crazy about a woman who paid me for my sperm.
How about that curveball?
Bam!
Sebastian's gonna get through this. We're gonna lick this thing.
He doesn't need to have this dark cloud hanging over his head.
What do you think, you want another beer?
WALLY: Oh, the guy was just... He just would not stop.
He just kept going and talking and talking.
You know, he thinks that it's his kid. He thinks that he's my best friend.
Wants me to give him advice on how to be a better father to my son, you know?
It's just like a nightmare. He's e-mailing me.
He's smiling at me all the time. He's hitting me with the big teeth.
- Wants me to go fly-fishing with him. - Yeah, and why...?
I don't understand. Why are we here?
Because I gotta exchange this frame. Sebastian wants one from the new line.
- It's a sterling-silver 5-by-7. - Oh, I see.
Well, that's so nice that you're taking an interest in his hobbies,
but, um, listen, I think the first order of business
is for you to take care of this thing with Kassie.
Why are we waiting? Why the wait?
Please, I know that, all right? I've been trying to do that.
- But everything is all turned around now. - Turned around?
I'm turned around.
That night, she said she thought we had energy.
Ooh. That's a new twist. Never heard that before.
It was very weird though.
Her mouth is saying she's spending time with Roland,
but her eyes are screaming, "Save me!"
Ah. So go with that. Go with the eyes.
And now I think that I have feelings for her.
Really? You think so? It's only been, uh, 13 years.
Please, I know you've been saying that for a very long time.
- Now I'm finally saying it. - Well, this is all good news.
That's just... You're in love with the mother of your child.
Meanwhile, she's falling for Roland.
And I know that I could save all of this by just telling her the truth,
but if I do that, I lose everything, right?
And if you don't?
Then I'll never be more than Uncle Wally.
That's no good.
WALLY: Hi, excuse me. - Yes?
This is old, this is new. I'd like this instead of this.
- Yes? - Okay.
WALLY: Clearly, the assets in that fund were not...
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hang on.
I gotta take this. Sorry, hold on.
- Hello? KASSIE [ON PHONE]: Wally?
WALLY: Hi. - Oh, thank God you picked up. Okay.
- I'm in Michigan, and, um... - Oh, at, uh, Camp Roland, huh?
Uh, yes, Wally, I'm with Roland. He's got a cabin up here.
WALLY: Been in the family for 30 years.
Yeah, yeah, it has been. How do you know that?
- He told me. - I didn't know that you guys, uh, spoke.
- Yeah, we're very, very close. - Oh. Um...
[PHONE CLANGS AND BUZZES]
- What was that buzzing noise? - I have to feed the phone.
- They don't have cell service up there? - Well, apparently not on this island.
So, Wally, Sebastian wanted to go and spend the weekend with Liam.
And since he's been having some trouble making friends, I let him do it.
But then Liam's mom called me and told me that Sebastian has lice.
- Lice? - Calm down, Wally, it's lice.
I did not say leprosy, okay?
Would you please not Wally this into a situation worse than it already is?
Hang on, did you just use my name as a verb?
Yeah, yeah, I did. I do that sometimes.
Listen, Wally, can you please, please help me out?
I trust you, and you're the only person currently in New York City
that he can stand.
I've been beating myself up about this entire thing.
I have a... I'm out the first flight tomorrow.
There's no flights tonight, so I really...
- You know, I'm... - Okay, all right. Enough.
I pick him up, I take him to the emergency room?
You don't take him to the emergency room. It's lice.
Okay, so your place and just plant him in front of the TV?
- What do you want from me? - Yeah, that would be great.
But there's a couple more things that you're gonna have to do before that, okay?
Do you, um? Do you have a pen?
WALLY: All right, don't move, I'll be right back.
KASSIE: After you've picked up Sebastian, stop at Duane Reade.
There's one on our corner.
Buy a box of heavy-duty garbage bags, shower caps, and the lice medicine.
The doctor already called in a prescription.
Here we go, Aisle 10. Where is it?
There we go, there's the Tide, where's the trash bags?
- Trash bags are right there. - There we go.
Yellow drawstring. Boom.
KASSIE: When you get to my place,
stuff all of his clothes in a trash bag while he gets in the tub.
Here we go. All right, arms up, arms up. There we go.
And now I'll get you to sit down over here. We're gonna take off your pants.
Okay, real good, there we go. And now let's get in the bathroom.
KASSIE: Make sure he keeps the stuff on his head for only ten minutes.
And whatever you do, don't get it in his eyes.
And while he's doing that,
you can strip both beds of pillowcases, comforters and sheets.
All right, we just gotta get these few little things in here, please.
And let me get this. And I'll see you in a minute, okay?
KASSIE: And then bag up all of the throw pillows and stuffed animals.
Make sure those bags are shut airtight so those lice will suffocate.
And throw everything in the wash at the hottest temperature.
WALLY: Pass me the detergent, please.
WALLY [ON PHONE]: This is not enough steps. Can we add some more?
Please just let me shave his head and be done with it.
KASSIE: Wally. WALLY: Okay, okay.
KASSIE: But whatever you do, Wally, try not to make a big deal out of it.
And make sure to follow the instructions and wash his hair.
Everything okay? You all right? Are you doing okay?
KASSIE: Oh, and just one more thing, and it's sort of the worst part.
There's this little comb.
WALLY: Oh, my God, this cannot be happening.
- What? - No, no, no.
Just keep looking that way, pal. Nothing's going on. Everything's good.
[WALLY GROANS]
Are they everywhere? Are they climbing all over my head?
Huh? No, they're fine.
They're absolute... You're fine. Everything's okay.
Are you gonna throw up?
No, I'm not gonna throw up. I'm busy killing lice.
SEBASTIAN: Did you find some? - I think so.
I got them.
WALLY: All right, hot out of the dryer.
I think we are now officially deliced.
Or "-loused," right? "Deloused"?
Whatever it is, we're down to DEFCON 1.
Or is it 5? Can never figure out which way that goes.
All right, good night.
Sweet dreams, okay?
This is your collection, right? Huh?
Why don't you wanna use any of these frames?
Why does everyone ask me that?
Because, you know, people like to put their own pictures
inside their frames.
But they already have pictures in them.
That's true, but you don't know any of these people.
SEBASTIAN: Sure I do.
See, like these people. This is the Owen family.
That's Mr. And Mrs. Owen, and those are their two kids.
He studies volcanoes,
and Mrs. Owen used to work for a place that sells heart medicines for pets.
WALLY: Mm-hm.
Well, that's funny, because Mr. And Mrs. Owen
look like third-rate stock-photography models to me.
That's my grandfather.
- Which one, right here? - Yeah.
This guy?
He's my father's dad.
He owns a boat.
He takes it out every day to go fishing for sharks.
And he knows a lot.
[YAWNS]
Did you know that sharks don't have bones?
No, but I do now.
That's my Uncle Rick.
He's my father's younger brother.
- This guy here? - Yeah.
He got me an iPod for my birthday.
But I think he stole it from somebody because it already had music on it.
What's your dad's family like?
I don't know. I never met them.
Why not?
My father left when I was...
When I was pretty young.
You can keep it.
WALLY: Sweet dreams.
[DOOR CLOSES]
See, now, I think you put too much flour in that, right?
What you've got there is like a... It's more like a paste, right?
I mean, we could spackle these walls with that.
I think you need to put a little bit more water in that.
- All right? - Okay.
Let's think of something else for the pancakes.
[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]
What about, um, chocolate chips?
Your mom got any of those? Or what about peanut butter?
SEBASTIAN: Maybe. WALLY: Or cheese.
Let's go the other way with it, right?
Let's make it a little bit more of a lunch pancake, right?
- Why not? You like cheese? - Let's put lice in the batter.
What is so funny to you about the concept of eating your lice?
- I don't know, it's just funny. - Are you looking for texture?
If we burn them, you get a little crunch. Keep your lice out of it.
- Hi, hey. KASSIE: Hello.
- Mommy, I wanna show you the dead lice. KASSIE: Come here, let me see that.
- Come here. SEBASTIAN: You're home.
What do you have in that jar? Lice?
- Lice. - Are you kidding me?
- Wally hunted them and killed them all. - Let me see. I'm so sorry I wasn't here.
- Is it all out? - Yeah.
- Oh, I love you. - Me too.
I'm gonna take the dead lice to watch TV.
That's a cute look.
Oh, this is, um...
I was starting to feel itchy, so I used a little bit of the shampoo.
You don't have lice.
- Uh, I could. I could actually have lice. - You don't have lice.
And I really thank you. I appreciate you taking care of all this.
- Thanks for taking care of him. - Yeah, you're welcome.
- How was that weekend? - It was good.
It was good. It was really beautiful. It's quiet, it's on the lake and...
You know, his grandfather actually built the cabin
from logs that they milled on the property, and so...
[SNORES]
And we're gonna go, I think, in like two weeks, take Sebastian.
Really? That's...
- It's getting serious, huh? - Yeah.
We're actually, um, thinking about moving in together.
That's...
I mean, you know, Kassie, I...
- That's a mistake. I think that this guy... - No, don't.
- Is a mistake.
Don't do this. Don't ruin this for me.
- Hang on. - No.
Kassie.
Come on, look, he started the year married to someone else.
Look, he's obviously going through some kind of crap,
and maybe he doesn't realize it,
but it looks like he might be using you and Sebastian to cushion the blow.
You know that I actually thought for a brief second that you changed?
But you haven't.
I'm trying to move forward with my life, and you are exactly the same.
The truth is, I'm actually happy.
- Are you? - Yes.
Roland is a really good guy, all right? He's supp... You know what?
Just because you've never taken a risk in your entire life
doesn't mean you have to rip apart mine.
At least I'm trying to let somebody in.
You should try it sometime.
I mean, unless you have something else that you would like to say to me.
Wally?
Really? Got nothing for me, huh?
[DOOR OPENS]
- Nothing? ROLAND: Ooh. Do I smell flapjacks?
Hey, Wally, thanks for being on lice patrol, man.
You gotta try some of this beer Grandma made.
[EELS' "ALL THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS" PLAYING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[PANTING]
Sebastian, what's going on? What happened?
I was at Ethan's birthday party and I did what you told me to.
Aaron O'Connor was there.
I stood up to him and acted crazy.
Look at your face.
He punched me and then threw me into a puddle
and then hit me again.
Come here.
- He didn't care that I was crazy. - Shh. It's okay.
It didn't work, I tried.
Where was this? Where was the party?
- At the park. - Which park?
- East End. - East End Park?
That's like 20 blocks away from here.
Um, I'm gonna call your mom to come get you.
No, Wally, you have to take me home.
Take me home, Wally.
Sebastian, why did you come here?
Because I thought you'd be proud of me.
[DOOR BUZZES]
Oh, my God, honey, what happened to you?
- I got into a fight. KASSIE: Sweetie, oh, my God.
- Why didn't Donna call me? - It's actually my fault.
I told him to do something really stupid a while back, and he listened to me.
But he's fine. He came over to my place and...
KASSIE: He came to you?
- Yeah, and... ROLAND: I thought I heard the doorbell.
WALLY: Oh, what's going on? - Oh, Roland's family is in town.
We're just having a little brunch.
- Hey, Wally. - Who beat the kid?
KASSIE: Come on, let's go. DEBBIE: Sweetie, come here.
Oh, my God, you're covered in dirt.
KASSIE: Come on, honey, let's go get cleaned up.
DEBBIE: We'll fix you up.
Let's go in the kitchen.
Somebody punched you?
- Hey, Wally. - Yeah?
What happened?
- He got in a fight with another kid. - Oh, that's awful.
- Yeah. - You know, but it'll make him stronger.
I took a few lumps when I was a kid, usually at the hands of my older brothers.
- Who are here. You gotta meet them. - Okay.
Oh, wait, hold on.
Check it out.
Right?
Stick around. It's gonna get good.
I'm sorry, Roland.
[SCOFFS]
For what?
KASSIE: Doesn't feel that bad, huh? - No.
WALLY: Hey. KASSIE: Not really?
SEBASTIAN: I'm okay. - I really do need to talk to you.
Act crazy, Wally?
Remind me to never to ask you for advice when I'm being bullied.
What do you want from me, Debbie? I'm an idiot. Kassie, this cannot wait.
- Debbie...? - I got it, and I'm sorry.
I will be right back.
- It was just talk. - Thanks.
What got into him?
You wanna try these peas?
All right, Wally, what is it?
I, uh...
There she is. Hey, Kass, Wally, come on in.
Yeah, come on in, take a seat.
- Listen, hang on one second. - I can't.
Kass, come on in. You too, Wally.
KASSIE: Okay. - Come on, take a seat.
Everybody listen up.
Hush, hush.
[ROLAND CHUCKLES]
Got a little something to say. Everybody.
[GLASS CLINKING]
All right.
[ROLAND CLEARS THROAT]
A few months ago,
and I'm not gonna lie, I was, uh, in a dark place.
- Um, I was in a world of pain. WALLY [WHISPERING]: Kassie. Kassie.
I really have to talk to you.
ROLAND: My wife, ex-wife... - Stop.
- Had left me for reasons that I don't need to get into now.
WALLY: Over here, right now.
- And then... - It's gotta be now. Trust me this is real.
...one day... - Cut it out.
- The heavens opened,
and the sweet voice of an angel is on my phone machine.
[KASSIE CHUCKLES]
And I am happy to say to you all that I love,
that my life is whole again.
Today Sebastian scared the hell out of me.
Wally, take a seat, I'm about to get to the good stuff.
Roland, I'm sorry, you're a really good guy. I hate to do this to you.
ROLAND: Hate to do what? - Throw this curveball.
When Sebastian needed someone today, Kassie, he came to me.
You know, he needed me. And I need him.
All right, what are you talking about, Wally?
I'm talking about something I haven't been able to say before, Kassie.
I, uh...
[SIGHS]
I hijacked your pregnancy.
I'm the seed guy.
What?
I replaced, uh, Roland's offering with mine that night,
your party.
Um...
[MURMURING]
Sebastian's my son.
I know it was a reckless and careless and terrible thing to do,
but, I mean, I panicked, you know.
I'm not like you, you know.
You're not afraid of anything. I'm afraid of everything.
I can't even take risks, you know, you said it.
But nothing scares you, Kassie, and I love that about you.
I mean, you're gonna hate me the rest of your life,
and you're never gonna forgive me, and I don't expect you to forgive me.
It just... It breaks my heart, it kills me,
because he's changed me.
You've changed me, and, um...
...I love you.
I couldn't say that before, but I'm saying it right now.
And I'm also saying I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
DEBBIE: Good we got that dirt off.
Don't ever speak to us again.
What did I miss?
[DOOR CLOSES]
WALLY: Sorry about your proposal, Roland.
His what?
Oh, my God.
I am proud of you.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- Wally, it's 4 a.m. WALLY: I did it.
I did the right thing, Leonard.
- Come on in. - I faced my fear, I told her.
That's good, Wally. That's real good.
But I lost her. And Sebastian.
You did the right thing. I'm proud of you, Wally.
- It sucks. - But it'll get better.
You know, I'm drinking booze from a deli.
You should go home, Wally.
They are my home, Leonard.
[EELS' "NUMBERED DAYS" PLAYING]
[HORNS HONKING]
So I've thought about it, and, uh,
you can't just disappear from Sebastian's life.
So...
You know, he's your son.
And of course you can see him.
But it's gonna be on my terms.
How's he doing?
He misses you.
- I miss him. - A lot.
Is he...? How's he getting along with Roland, okay?
Yeah.
I, uh...
I couldn't go through with that.
- What happened? What do you mean? - I don't know.
[CHUCKLES]
He's affectionate.
Likes me to try new things.
He doesn't turn into a psycho when he drinks.
He doesn't moan when he eats.
I turned him down because he's not you.
Will you marry me?
Probably.
WALLY: Look at us.
Running around,
always rushed, always late.
Guess that's why they call it the human race.
But sometimes it slows down just enough for all the pieces to fall into place.
Fate works its magic.
And you're connected.
KASSIE: Oh. Hi. WALLY: You smell that?
- What is that? - That's charcoal, lighter fluid,
and my burnt arm hairs.
- Is that working for you at all? - Oh.
Shame there are all these children around.
I don't mind an audience.
- You don't? - Yeah, they seem like 19.
Oh, God, no. Honey, here, ice cream. Take this out there, but be careful.
One of these children has a milk allergy, and I have no clue which one it is.
It might be the little blond one there.
- Just go with a sorbet or something? - No.
- You sure? - No, no.
[ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU"]
KID: Yeah, Sebastian! KASSIE: Whoo!
KIDS: Yeah, Sebastian!
LEONARD: Yeah, yeah.
WALLY: Nice. - How about that?
Now, this year, Sebastian has decided to dedicate his birthday to Doug.
And Doug is a...
He's just a wonderful, uh, playful, three-legged dog,
and, um, he's in need of a home, so...
And?
And, um, well, Doug is, uh...
He's next in line at the kill shelter to be put down.
Oh, that would be a horrible way to go.
- But not dead yet. Very much alive. - That's so good. Positive thinking.
- Happy puppy. - And, yeah.
Let's go ahead and blow out the candles. Get some of that cake in our face.
I'm not blowing out anything until someone takes Doug.
WOMAN: Okay.
Well, I'll take him.
- Debbie Epstein. - Thank you.
Debbie Epstein.
I can handle him. He's only got three legs. That's...
MAN: All right.
- Surprising. - Okay, make a wish, baby. Come on.
WALLY: Harder. KASSIE: There you go.
Really well done. One more.
LEONARD: Here I come. KASSIE: Yes.
[ALL CHEERING]
KID 1: Happy birthday. KID 2: Happy birthday, Sebastian.
KASSIE: I love you, baby, sweet cheeks.
WALLY: Every once in a while, amid all the randomness,
something unexpected happens, and it pushes us all forward.
And the truth is, what I'm starting to think,
what I'm starting to feel,
is that maybe the human race
isn't a race at all.
[BIBIO'S "LOVERS' CARVINGS" PLAYING]