Hey, Seth Rogen. What up, man?
Oh, hey, John! Over here!
Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport.
Attention, all passengers.
Do not leave your baggage unattended.
All unattended baggage is subject to search...
We're so happy!
Look at this!
- What's happening, man? - Good to see you, buddy.
- How you doing? - I'm good, man.
Yes, you are.
How long has it been, man?
Sometime in the last...
-inside of a year or something. - Yeah.
I have the best weekend ever planned, man.
- Lay it on me. - I don't want to ruin it.
- Seth Rogen! - Shit, here we go. Hey.
- How's it going, man? - Yeah, good.
So, you, like, always play, like, the same guy in every movie.
When are you gonna do some, like, real acting, man?
Okay, thank you.
Give me something. Give me, like, the laugh, man.
Give me the Seth Rogen laugh.
Seth Rogen, everybody.
All right, I've landed. I'm here. We've said our hellos.
Can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?
I would love to. I'm on a...
I can't really eat that stuff right now.
- I'm on a... - What?
I'm on this cleanse.
You're on a what?
I'm on a cleanse.
- What? -It's good for you.
I didn't know... You're supposed to take six shits a day.
- That's not true. -It is true!
- You're supposed to shit twice a day. - No.
That's not true. That's what they used to think.
Now they know you're supposed to shit six times a day.
So you're not drinking. You're not smoking weed. You're not...
- No, no, I'm drinking and smoking weed. - But“
I'm on a cleanse. I'm not psychotic.
Look, man, if you stopped eating gluten, you'd feel way fucking better all day.
Whenever you feel shitty, that's 'cause of gluten.
- That's not true. -It is.
- Who the fuck told you not to eat gluten? -It's just true.
- You don't even know what gluten is. - I know what fucking gluten is.
- No, you have no idea what gluten is. - I do know what gluten is.
Gluten's a vague term.
It's something that's used to categorize things that are bad, you know?
Calories, that's a gluten. Fat, that's a gluten.
Somebody just told you you probably shouldn't eat gluten,
you're like, "I guess I shouldn't eat gluten."
Gluten means bad shit, man, and I'm not eating it.
God!
Each bite is better than the previous bite.
- It is. - Gluten!
- Hey, this looks beautiful. - Yeah. Do you like it? I totally redid it.
- It's fucking awesome. -It's all new. Those are new.
- God damn, son! -It's pretty nice, huh?
So this is how the other half lives.
- Come on. - Amazing.
- Air hockey tables. - Jesus Murphy!
- Right? Okay, get ready, Jay. - What?
- I have a little surprise for you. - Okay.
Here's the best weekend you ever had in your life.
- Look at it, man. - Oh, my... Are you serious?
It's all of your favorite things.
- Starburst and Airheads on a... - Yeah.
And it says "Jay."
- In joints. - In joints.
It says "Jay" in Jays-
Seth Rogen, you are just the best people.
Come on, I know you don't love it in LA, so I figure I'll make it...
You know, I'll lube up your entry a little bit.
- It eases the transition. - Yeah, right?
This is the much-needed foreplay.
- You know what else I got? - Yo, this...
- A 3-D television. - No, you didn't...
- I got a 3-D TV. - Are you serious?
- Oh, my God. - I did it, man.
What?
Let's get into it.
Oh, my God, bud.
It's Gandalf the Grey's pipe.
Damn, no shit.
Hello, little hobbit.
- Spark my ganja. - Yeah.
I'm a well-known homosexual advocate.
My eyes feel like they're melting.
I need a break.
You know what, actually? We should go to Franco's house soon.
He's having a housewarming party. He just finished building his house.
I haven't even seen it yet, but it's supposed to be bonkers.
I haven't been in LA in, like, a year, and I came here to chill with you.
We can chill together, and we'll chill with those other guys.
We'll all chill as one big unit.
- Will I even know anybody there? - You know James Franco.
- James Franco doesn't even know my name. - Jonah Hill will be there.
Can't stand him. He can't stand me.
He's, like, the nicest guy in the world! He likes you so much.
He specifically talks about how he likes you.
Out of nowhere, he just said, "You know what? Jay's an inspiration."
There's no way he said that. Also, just can't stand him.
- Okay, fine. Craig Robinson. - Never met him.
He's hilarious.
Sweats a lot, but he's a great guy.
So it's gonna be fun, man.
For you, I will go.
I promise, I'll stay with you all night, okay?
I won't ditch you. No, 'cause I want to be with you all night.
And you know why else?
'Cause nobody puts Jay in the corner.
Awesome.
- Thank you. - Thank you. There you go. Cool.
- Thanks a lot, eh? - Thanks a lot.
Okay, man.
Holy shit.
This is crazy!
- Yeah? - Yeah, man, right?
- Look at it. - A bit much.
I don't think it is a bit much. I think it's right on the money.
What is he, Pablo Escobar?
Come on, man, this is an awesome street. Channing Tatum lives up there.
For the love of... Will you stop talking about...
This is the sexiest street in America.
- You and Channing Tatum. - I think he's attractive.
- I think it's a cool house. - I know you do.
I can't wait to see inside it. That's why I'm excited.
Yes! What's up, man? Seth!
- So happy you're here. - I'm so happy to be here.
Hey, Johnny, what's up?
- It's Jay. -It's Jay.
I'll never forget it again, man. Good to see you.
- Nice to see you. Come on in. - Yeah! Yeah, great.
Check it out. My new place!
Awesome, man!
Designed it myself.
Really cool. This place is beautiful, man.
This place is like a piece of me.
You two just stepped inside me.
You let us both cum inside you. Yeah.
Icing on the cake. Check it out.
Painted them myself.
Side by side. A team.
Holy shit.
So, is it weird?
- No. - You sure?
I really like it.
What do you think, Jay?
I'm not a big art guy.
You don't like art?
Well, come on...
- You play video games? - Yes.
- Well, guess what, buddy? You like art. - Yep.
- You ever been to Subway? - Yes.
You order a sandwich?
Somebody put that together for you, dude. That's art.
Sandwich artist.
- So, let me lay this on you, Jay. - Fuck.
Your mama's pussy was the canvas. Your dad's dick was the paintbrush.
Boom. You're the art.
- Thanks, James Franco. - You got it.
- Seth! - Mindy, hello.
- Oh, my God, great to see you. - You, too.
Long time. How's it going?
- You know Jay? - I don't think I've ever actually met you.
You were so good "m Million Dollar Baby.
That's amazing. Thank you so much for saying that.
Oh, my God, if I don't fuck Michael Cera tonight,
- I'm gonna blow my brains out. - What?
Fucking pale, 110 pounds,
hairless, probably has a huge cock, coked out of his mind...
You can do a lot better. That's just trouble.
So, Ri-Ri, how about you, you ever see a psychiatrist?
- That's not cool. - Don't touch my butt, bitch.
- Michael, that's not cool. - Would you shut the fuck up, Jason!
We're playing a game, man.
Say cheese, baby.
- What's up, buddy? - How's it going, dude?
Good to see you, man.
- Is that Jay Baruchel? - Hi, there. Hey.
Oh, my God, get in here, dude.
- How's it going, Jonah? - What are you doing?
- Good. How you doing, buddy? - Oh, my gosh.
- Welcome back. - Thank you very much.
- When'd you get in? - This morning,
and boy, are my arms tired.
Dude, that's great.
- Thank you. - Sick.
What have you guys been doing?
We just hung out all day.
Ate a bunch of dirty burgers, and smoked about a fucking pound of weed
and played a bunch of video games.
Weed is tight. Weed is tight. That's awesome.
That's awesome. Weed is awesome.
It was like the golfing sequence in Navy SEALs.
- Sick reference, though, bro. - Thanks, bud.
Dude, your references are out of control. Everyone knows that.
- Hey, thanks, man. - I'm jealous.
I would have been there in a heartbeat,
but I actuallyjust adopted this incontinent spaniel.
She's a really beautiful soul.
- Her name's Ahjhai. - Ahjhai?
- Yeah. - How do you spell it?
- A-H-J-H-A-I. - A-H...
You want to see a picture of her?
- She's so sweet. - Hey!
Look at her.
She can't bark. She doesn't know how, so...
- She doesn't know how to bark, even? - She doesn't know how to bark,
so I've tried to teach her
and she just kind of screams, and so she was up,
had her face smushed against the cage, and was, like...
Yeah, cool.
Tell you what, boys, I'm kind ofjonesing,
so I'm gonna find someone I can bum a smoke off of outside, all right?
- That's tight, dude. Honestly, I like you. - Hey, likewise.
Okay, dude, come back.
I'll be right back. You're holding court. All right, boys.
Dude. I know. I think we're making some progress.
- That was really good. - And honestly, he's your old friend.
- We're your new friends. He feels threatened. - Yeah, man.
You know, and I get it.
It's gonna be fine.
I honestly think tonight's the night we bust this whole thing open.
And I'm lucky. It's the same thing a lot, though.
It's, like, my TV wife opens the fridge,
andis,Hke, "What happened to the birthday cake?"
And I come outwith, like, a little frosting, like,
"What birthday cake?"
-'Cause you ate the cake! - Yeah.
'Cause you ate the cake!
"It's my birthday."
That's why y'all number one. 'Cause of that.
- You're Jay, right? - Yeah.
- Seth's boy? - Yeah.
- How you doing, man? Good to see you. - Good. Likewise, likewise.
- I'm Craig, man. This is Emma. - Hi. Hi, there.
You just in town visiting him, or what?
Yeah. Just for a little visit, you know.
I try to not come down here very much.
I don't really love it here.
- You don't like LA? - I'm just not really into the LA lifestyle.
What lifestyle are you into?
Look at him. He's, like, a hipster, right?
No, I'm not a hipster, at all.
Yeah, yeah, you do seem to hate a lot of things,
and the bottom of your pants are awful tight.
No, I just... I don't like Los Angeles. It doesn't make me a hipster.
I'll bet you hate movies that are universally loved.
- I don't even... - You like Forrest Gump?
No, no, it's a horrendous piece of shit.
"Life is like a box of chocolates," no?
Yeah, no, I'm familiar with it.
"You never know what you're gonna get."
Why don't we do a sequel to Pineapple Express?
- I would love to do a sequel to Pineapple. - Do you have any ideas, or...
- I do have an idea. - What?
It's that Red, Danny, has become, like, the drug lord,
you know, since we killed the other one,
and he wants to assassinate Woody Harrelson,
'cause he's gonna give a speech that makes all of weed legal,
effectively rendering drug lords out of business.
- Awesome. - Yeah, it's fucking awesome,
but we don't have... We don't know how it should end yet.
I know.
- Danny's trying to kill us. - Yeah.
And I sacrifice myself for you.
And he kills me,
and I die for you.
And Danny fucking eats me.
- Why does he eat you? - I don't know.
I'm just trying to think of, like, the nastiest way to go.
Yeah, he could eat you. Okay. That's a good idea, man.
He's just out of his mind. He just, like, eats me.
- Hey, Chris. - How's it going?
Hey, does this coke smell funny?
- Fuck! - Michael, what the fuck, man?
That's expensive shit, motherfucker!
What are you doing?
I've never fucking done cocaine, dude. Why does it fucking...
Well, you did the best shit possible for your first time,
-'cause that's good fucking... - Fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm nervous, dude.
- I don't know what... - What is wrong with you, man?
- Look, he's freaking out. - Oh, shit.
I've never done this fucking drug before, man.
Mike, please.
I'll walk you through it. I will walk you through it.
- Mike, no one... - I'll be your guide.
- You're fine, Chris. You're fine. - Is it on...
- You got some in your mustache, baby. - What are you... Michael!
Now, fellas, I want you to real sexy right now. We're gonna sing to all the ladies.
All the fellas go like this, in your Barry White voice.
Take your panties off
Come on, Rihanna Take your panties off for me
Come on, Craig, can you fuck off for me?
I'll do one of them things.
Like an angel.
What about the host of the party?
I ain't got no panties on
He ain't got no panties, everybody!
We ain't got no panties on
Ain't nobody got no panties on
We ain't got no panties on
Ain't no party like a no-panty party 'Cause a no-panty party don't stop
Fuck those panties
Fuck those...
Fuck those panties
What's not kid-friendly?
- There's a lot of sharp edges. - Concrete, sharp edges.
He's gonna bust his head open on one of those things.
A kid could fall off this fucking railing right here.
That's why you have the railing, so they don't fall.
- Hey. Sorry. - I want to have kids one day.
- Hey, Jay. - Oh, hey, hi, Jonah.
Is there any place around here I can buy a pack of cigarettes?
Yeah.
There's a place like, it's like, four blocks away, maybe.
You want to come with me?
Give me this much time. That much joint time.
- Jesus! - Hey, Jay.
Hey, you need to use the toilet, honey? Go ahead.
Nope, I'm... I sorry.
Who wants a sip? Sip time.
You okay, man?
It's nothing. It's just, you know,
as soon as we got there, you did what you said you wouldn't do.
- What did I do? - You just fucking ditched my ass.
I didn't ditch you. Are you kidding me, man?
I did not ditch you.
I was talking to Jonah, and then you left to go have a cigarette.
Well, you know, my cigarette was an excuse.
I really went outside 'cause Jonah was being a prick.
Jonah was not being a prick.
If anything, you were kind of being a prick.
Jonah's the nicest guy ever, man.
Oh, my God, that's a thin veneer of kindness.
Nobody's that nice.
Jonah is that nice.
Serial killers are that nice.
Just answer me one question.
Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I picture it looking like a little donut, like a little pink sprinkled donut.
It's so bright in here.
It is fucking bright.
I'm so high.
There's so many delicious choices. What do I do?
- I'm gonna get something to drink. - Okay.
Excuse me, would it be possible for my daughter to use your restroom?
She's really got to go.
Read the sign. Customers only.
Seriously?
Why the fuck you think I put up the sign?
It's okay, Dad. I can hold it.
Let's just buy something for your mother.
Yeah, well, I guess you better, huh?
This cash register lady is mean. I have anxiety. Will you buy this for me?
When I'm stoned, I can't do this.
I think I'm just gonna head back to your place.
I'm not really liking it very much over there at Franco's.
Dude, I want you to get to know these guys. That's never gonna happen
if you don't put in any effort whatsoever, okay?
I hate it in there.
I just want to drink some pop and smoke some weed.
What about...
What about me?
Are you okay? Are you okay?
Did you just see that?
What the hell?
- Oh, my God, Jesus, Jesus! - Run, run, run!
- This way! -Okav, okay, okay!
Oh, my God!
Jesus.
Run!
Jesus Christ!
Why the fuck did you bring me down here?
- The fuck, Seth? - I don't know what's happening!
- We're going back to Franco's. - Why?
Just run! Keep running!
Oh, my fuck!
We are going back to Franco's!
God damn it.
- Jesus! - Shit!
This way. We're almost there! We're so close!
Hey, you guys okay?
Are you guys Okay?
There was a crazy earthquake. Did you guys feel that?
- That was insane. - Fuck,no.
We can't feel anything in here. This place is a fucking fortress.
That wasn't an earthquake, man.
- That was something way fucking crazier. - No...
What's crazier than an earthquake?
There were beams of blue light coming out of the sky
and people getting sucked up into the sky.
He's on hallucinogens.
Come on, guys. Don't bully Jay. He's a sweetheart.
Keep going, man. What are you talking about?
There were people, and they were there, and they got sucked up into the sky.
- Jay. - Sucked up into the sky?
Nobody got sucked up in here.
I got sucked off here.
No, okay, ask Seth. He was... You were there. Tell them.
Seth, what the fuck's he talking about?
I have no idea what he's talking about honestly.
Did anybody get sucked up into the sky?
I didn't see anything. I don't know what he's talking about.
You were there with me. What are you saying?
All those people that were in the store with us, they just fucking vanished.
I didn't see blue light sucking people up in the sky.
You sound crazy, man. We should just be lucky we're...
-it's not over! -It's okay. Just relax.
Everyone, it's all right. Just a little tremor. Party's still going.
In-N-Out truck's coming in 10 minutes.
- Yes. - Animal style!
Oh, my fuck!
- Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! - Move! Move!
- Move, move, move, move! - This place is safe!
This place is not safe!
Craig, where you going, man?
- It's a fucking earthquake! - Fuck!
- Move, move, move, come on! - Get out of my way. Move, girl!
- Oh, my God, Seth! - Oh, shit!
- Seth. - What the fuck?
Don't go on the grass, not everybody on the grass!
What the fuck?
Oh, God!
- What the fuck is happening? - Paul!
What's happening?
All right, everybody, listen up. Listen up.
Who took my fucking cell phone, man?
- Martin, empty your pockets! - What?
I saw you in the bathroom, man! Somebody dial my phone!
Shut the fuck up! It's unbelievable!
It's unacceptable after all the coke I've wasted on you people.
- I've thrown it away. - I didn't take your fucking cell phone.
-310... - Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike...
My face!
What's happening to me? What's happening?
Oh, my God!
Shit, that's embarrassing.
Rihanna!
Please give me your foot!
Oh, my God!
Craig, Craig, help me. I'm losing my grip!
It's too late for you! You're already in the hole!
- What the fuck are you talking about? - Get the fuck out of my way!
Sorry.
Karen!
Seth, come on! Get in the house! Come on, Seth!
Oh, my God, I'm gonna die!
Martin!
- Shit! - Kevin! Kevin!
What the fuck?
Geez, get the fuck off me, Aziz!
Fuck you, Kevin!
Oh, God, no, get your fucking hands off me!
Get your fucking...
No!
Jay, I can't hold on much longer.
You have to reach out and grab me. You hear?
Okay, you take my hand, and I will swing you up.
Are you sure? I'm gonna give you my whole weight.
- I'm gonna reach for you, all right? - Yeah, yeah.
Are you sure you can do that?
I can grab you on three.
One, two, three.
All right, buddy.
- Now I'm gonna, I'm gonna swing across. - I got you, buddy.
- You're gonna hold my weight, all of it. - Okay, come on.
- You can hold on to my full weight? - I can do it.
- I don't want to die. - Okay.
- One, two... - Two, three.
No!
No! No!
Oh, man.
Fuck.
- Holy shit! - What happened?
- Jay, you're alive. - Jay.
- Oh, thank God, Jay. - I'm not dead yet.
I told you guys not to go outside.
- Whatjust happened? - Jesus Christ, they are all fucking dead.
- I told you guys not to run outside. - You all right?
- I tried to save Aziz. I tried. - You did your best, man. I love you.
Why the fuck did you guys run out there?
You know what, James, can you lower your voice?
You're freaking out Jay!
Maybe I'm a little freaked out, too!
- He's not as strong as you. - They all fell in.
- Look at my house! - I tried to save them. They all fell in.
Get your fucking hands off me. Jonah, stop touching me.
Can we get Jay some water, please? Can we get him some hydration?
- He needs to be hydrated. - The water's not working!
Everyone just runs out the door!
My phone is dead.
Guys, the fucking lnternet's not working!
Let's watch the TV. Let's check the news.
Where is the TV?
-It's in the floor. - In the floor?
- That's dope. - Yeah, cool, huh?
That's really neat.
That is impressive, James.
The biggest earthquake to ever hit Los...
Officers urging people to stay in their homes right now.
And also reports of looting and rioting are spreading across the city.
Riots.
Police are pretty much outnumbered as people are turning to one another.
Martial law has now been declared.
Air Force One has gone down...
Shit. It's gone, guys.
So I think we should...
I think we should probably go back to your place, eh?
What are you talking about, man?
No, no way. I'm not leaving here.
I don't want to die at James Franco's house.
You heard the TV.
The TV said stay here. It said stay in your homes.
We need to stay here until they start rescuing people, okay?
A huge earthquake happens. Who do they rescue first?
- Actors. - Famous people.
They'll get Clooney, Sandra Bullock, me.
If there's room, you guys'll come.
The point is, is that we're all gonna get out of this first.
- What the hell was that? -It's already going crazy out there, guys.
We can't leave. I'm not leaving, okay? I'm a victim.
I've had a victim's mentality my whole life. People can smell it on me.
When I was a kid, I had man-titties.
The bullies held me down, they tittie-fucked me.
That's what's happening out there right now.
That's right, we are all soft.
- Yeah. - We are all soft!
We are actors! We pretend to be hard, man.
- Yeah. - We soft as baby shit.
As baby shit, soft as... Wait, Craig, what are you doing, man?
Hey, hey, what are you doing? What are you doing to the painting, man?
- We got to board this shit up, man. - Board it up?
We got to protect ourselves. We don't know
-how long we gonna be in here. - Okay, chill.
There's raccoons, and bandits, and shit out there.
- This is Obey, man! - If you get out the way!
This is my favorite fucking painting! What are you doing, Craig?
Guys, help.
Help. Help. Get off.
Chill. Look.
Helicopter! Helicopter!
The good guys are here. We're fine! It's gonna be fine.
God damn!
Shit!
- You okay? - No, I'm not okay!
Fuck your house, Franco!
My house didn't do that!
You don't got a tool kit or nothing? Just a toolbox?
I don't know. Look in there.
Where's the edge of this shit?
Your thumb's in my butthole, man.
Y'all need this dick?
No, we're not using it.
All right, I'm gonna take it over here.
- Careful with that dick. - Damn.
It's heavy.
There it is, got that dick now.
That dick is coming now.
Yeah, got this big dick.
Hey, hey.
- What now? - Listen.
Not the Rogen, all right? Don't take him.
Take me.
We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas,
four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella,
cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks,
pancake mix, CT Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way,
half ounce Sour Diesel, three and a half grams Grand Master Kush,
one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy,
a porno mag, a baseball bat,
and the video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
127 Hours.
And a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys.
Old Faithful.
- Jesus. - Thing's real.
- No, I kept this from the movie. - Yeah.
- This is an actual revolver. - I see.
Franco, that's very uncomfortable. Could you put that down, please?
Loaded.
- Loveit - Awesome.
- Can you just put the gun away? - I always keep my props.
- That's really cool. - Always keep my props.
I know how to handle it.
He knows what he's doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.
- It's real. It's heavy. - Let me see it like that.
- God damn! - Come on, guys!
- You could kill... - Careful.
- Bang,bang! - Jesus!
- Please, put it down! - Fuck!
Bang, bang, bang. You're dead.
- I hope you're fucking happy. - Pow, pow, pow.
Stop... Guys, stop fucking with the gun.
- Jesus!Jesus! - Pow, pow.
- It's a real gun! - Bang.
It's so funny. It's so funny.
- Guys, it's funny. -It's not funny!
We're getting sidetracked.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- I'll just kill myself. - No!
- Don't do that, Jonah! -Jesus.
- Oh, no. - Jonah, give it back.
- I don't know! I don't know. - Don't do that.
- Jonah. - I'm so...
- Oh, my God. Hey. - Oh, dude.
- Come on, no, no. Don't. Jesus! - Would you put the thing down?
The whole...
I'm trying to have some fun, man.
Okay, okay, Jesus.
Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside
doesn't mean we can't have some fun.
We're a bunch of best friends hanging out. It's like a sleepover.
Okay, food. How are we gonna deal with this?
Can I have that Milky Way?
No, you can't have the Milky Way.
- That's my Milky Way. - There's a bunch... What?
I went out this morning,
specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
- That's weird. -It's not weird. It's my special food.
I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way.
I want some of the Milky Way.
I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
Now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way. It's a fucking Milky Way.
A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
I want one-fifth of your T-shirt!
I want the bottom part, the belly.
I'm not sporting a crop top in your house.
I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.
You couldn't handle my midriff.
Guys, the only issue is, I kind of need the Milky Way.
For fuck's sake.
No, for real, I have low blood sugar,
and if my endorphins drop too low,
I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.
- What? - Your LBS starts acting up,
you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?
- One finger scoop of Nutella. - Fair.
I'm going to bed.
Jesus fucking...
Don't touch that Milky Way, Jonah.
Night, James.
Oh, God, no!
Fuck.
-Hey. -Hey.
I'm gonna sleep with you.
- What? - I'm gonna sleep with you.
- It's too scary to sleep alone. - But this is my little area.
Well, I'm invading your little area.
I'm sorry, but I'm too scared, okay?
Are you mad at me, man?
If I was pissed at you,
I'm sure it would have something to do
with the fact that I had no interest in coming to this house socially,
and now, I am barricaded in here
with a bunch of people that I really hate.
Maybe this was meant to be.
Maybe this horrible, horrible, deadly earthquake happened
so we could become closer as a group of friends.
I don't need a group. I'm like DMX, man. I'm a lone wolf.
DMX isn't a lone wolf. DMX has the Ruff Ryder crew.
You can't stop, drop, and open up shop alone.
You need people to help you in an earthquake disastery situation.
It was something else. It was Judgment Day.
Like Terminator 2?
No, not like Terminator 2. For God's sakes.
Like Skynet? You think this is Skynet?
- Like, Skynet went live? - No.
Will you please stop saying "Skynet"?
Well, you're the one that said Judgment Day.
The biblical Judgment Day.
- What? - That's crazy. It's just...
- You fucking heathen. - Okay, here's the thing.
Let's say for a second there was blue light sucking people up into the sky.
That means that we were not awesome enough to go to heaven.
Shit! Shit.
What y'all doing?
Fuck you, Craig.
I'm scared. It's scary by myself.
It's way better with more people.
- I'm gonna come down here. - Yeah, good, yeah. Get in here, man.
Get right in there.
So, you're gonna...
- Right here. - Right here.
I feel better, actually. I like that.
It's better with more people.
Hey, guys--
- Jesus Christ. - Jesus!
Sorry. Franco has this crazy open floor plan. I can hear every word you guys are saying.
I might as well hang with you guys if that's cool.
- Nice. - Coming in hot.
I gonna grab a blanket from you.
Give me that blanket.
- Get in the middle of it. - That's good.
- That's it. -It feels so much more safe now, guys.
It's nice here.
- Should we spoon it? - Yeah, you want to?
- No! - Want to go...
- Dick to butt? - No.
- My butt to you and then Jay. - I don't want to butt to dick to anything.
Are you docking into me? You're doing tip to me?
- Or what are you doing? - Should we go butt to butt or dick to...
Seth and I are gonna go ass to ass. Do you want to go front to front?
- No, I'm fine just going dicks up. -Dic:ks up?
- I think I'm going dick to ass. - You know what?
I'm going Scarf ace-style.
- Both of you guys. - Wait, yeah.
- There we go. - Yeah.
This is the best way.
Good night, boys.
- Good night. - Good night.
Good night, guys.
- Night, my sweet guys. - Good night.
Sweet dreams, fellas.
Fuck,yeah.
Franco! Good morning, sunshine.
Guys! Guys! Wake up!
Danny's alive! He's eating all the fucking food!
- No! - Danny, man, don't.
Danny!
No, it's cool, man. I fucking made this for you guys.
- Stop eating! - Don't eat another piece of bacon.
Guys, just chill the fuck out, okay?
I'm sure the Green Goblin can fucking afford some more bacon.
Dude, that shit's supposed to last us till we get rescued!
Wait a second. I know what happened.
You guys dropped acid, didn't you?
Craig doesn't have any pants on. He got fucking wild.
Probably danced, sweated all over the place.
You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco.
You probably sucked somebody's dick.
Jonah over here probably watched and jerked off.
Jay, I didn't even know you were in town. Good to see you.
Danny, we're not on acid. We didn't suck each other's dicks!
James Franco didn't suck any dick last night?
Now I know y'all are tripping.
You actually not know what happened last night?
Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second.
Some really messed-up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.
Really? You're putting your serious voice on, Jonah?
Okay, tell me about these "fatalities."
Dude, Segel's dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera's dead.
Guess if Michael Cera's gone, it's not a total loss, huh?
- Jesus, Danny. - Michael Cera's dead.
- What? -It's not like that.
- It's not funny, man. -It's really not funny.
Seth, that's a better performance than you've given in your last six movies.
Where the fuck was that in Green Hornet, huh?
Jonah, you're fucking sucking balls.
You're an Academy Award nominated person.
You need to be fucking selling that shit, dude.
"Fatalities. There were some fatalities."
Fatalities.
Okay, now that was good. That was good.
Does it seem like we're fucking joking?
Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck you eating, man?
Spit it out your mouth. Give me the bacon!
Shit.
Shit, what do we do?
Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em!
Should I shoot?
- Shut up, Franco! - Shoot the door, Franco!
Oh, God!
Did you not hear me knocking out here? I've been knocking forever.
Please! Please! You've got to let me in!
- Hang on a second. - What?
Guys, I know it sounds really weird, but I don't think we should let him in.
Why not?
Yeah, why not? I can hear you, by the way.
I'm sorry. We just don't know you, man.
You could be like, a looter, or a rapist, or a tittie-fucker.
Like, I'm sorry.
Look, guys, we just boarded up this whole house to keep everyone out,
and the first guy comes to the door, we're gonna let him in?
I mean, how do we know we can trust this guy?
I want to live! Things have gone crazy out here!
"Fucking crazy out here!" This guy fucking sucks.
- What if he's the rapist? - Man, even if he is a rapist,
-he can't rape all of us. - Yeah! No! So I'm not...
- I'm not a rapist! - You want to tittie-fuck us?
If you want me to tittie-fuck you, I will! So good! You'll love it.
Seth, back me up, please.
We can't just leave him out there to die. Are you crazy?
What do you want to do? I'll do whatever you want to do.
Let's vote on it.
Yeah, I fucking vote you let me in.
Here's my vote. Fuck all of you. I'm letting him in. This is boring.
There's something out here!
This is real! This is fucking real!
God damn it!
You guys!
This man was alive a few seconds ago. We can't play soccer with his head!
Pick it up, Jonah!
What the fuck is going on?
He blinked at me.
- He blinked at my face. - Seth, put it over there.
Oh, my God!
I got it. I got it, guys.
There's blood all over my floor!
Time to relax for a second.
Okay, someone should look out the hole.
I ain't looking out that hole!
Last person looked through that hole got his head chopped off!
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Whatever is out there might still be out there.
Okay, I know, I know. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
There's a lookout!
Jesus Christ! Look, there's a huge fucking hole down there!
What the fuck is this?
- Where's the thing that killed the guy? - I don't know.
- How'd his head fall off? - And where's the rest of him?
Hi.
This is James Franco,
in my house, in my library.
We've been stuck here for about 24 hours.
Danny McBride is here.
I didn't even invite him to my party,
but he came and passed out in the bathtub,
and I got to say it's, like, typical fucking McBride.
Like, I've been feeling really weird about him lately.
Like, I don't really know if I want to be friends with him,
and then he fucking showed up at my party,
and now, we're stuck here with him in disaster lockdown, so...
- What up? What's going on? -Hey, Danny. What's up, man?
Not much. What are you doing? What is this?
It's just a video confessional.
Fuck that dude.
- Earthquakes cause tsunamis. - Yes.
Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.
I mean, for all we know, the fucking Lakers could have just won,
and that's the reason why all this is happening.
Hole in Franco's front yard? Sinkhole.
Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America.
Bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.
- Sinkhole de Mayo. - Sinkhole de Mayo.
That's why it's named that,
because sinkholes happen in the summertime.
It's not wildfires. It's not earthquakes. It's not sinkholes.
- I think I know what it is. - Let's hear it.
I think it's the Apocalypse.
What?
I'm serious, boys. It's all in here, in the Book of Revelations.
- You took my Bible? - Well, just hear me out,
and you tell me that what I'm describing isn't what's going on right now.
"And the skies shall open up, and the light of the Lord shall shine down,
"and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven."
That's the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light.
"And there will be a great mountain burning in fire."
I mean, the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames
as we sit here right now.
The Hollywood Hills ain't no mountain. It's a hill.
Takes about 10 minutes to get across that motherfucker with no traffic.
- Coldwater. - I take Laurel Canyon.
- Cahuenga. - Cahuenga.
- I usually zip down Barham. - Boys, can I just fucking finish?
I love Laurel Canyon.
"And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads,
"that old serpent called the devil and Satan,
"which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the earth."
I love that dude. He's from Where the Wild Things Are.
-It's a load of bullshit. -It's not bullshit.
Want to know something else, Jay?
If this is the end of the world, and all the good people died,
what you're saying is Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny
are a bunch of assholes.
I'm straight-up lovable, son.
And if this really is the Apocalypse,
you're here too.
So, that means you're just as shitty as the rest of us.
Doesn't feel too good, does it?
Hey, guys. I'm going to sleep now.
Nobody come in here and bother me.
Go fish.
Put it back inside of here.
- Do you know what it is? - Yeah.
Now you ask me for something that you need.
First bit.
You're not cutting it all?
That's smart. You're divvying it up first.
- This is like, Fruyére or some shit. - That's me.
Come on, Danny!
- You licked your finger. - Come on, man.
If they're all equal, what does it matter?
Keep your hands and fingers off.
- Seth? - Yeah.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no shit.
Here. Off the menu, my man.
Holy shit, man. Where did you get these?
Hey, what's cheese without a few crackers? Know what I'm saying?
- Hide it. - Okay.
-'Cause we're a team. - Okay.
Freaks forever, brother.
Let's do all the drugs.
I don't really want to.
Should have thought of that before you drank a can full of ecstasy.
What?
Should we call Red? Get more weed?
I don't know, man. That guy's gone crazy.
Good thing I have a lot of fucking weed for you guys.
I hooked you guys UP-
Now I need you guys to assassinate Woody Harrelson.
If pot's legalized, my business will suffer.
And if my business suffers, I suffer.
So much suffering.
All 'cause of that inbred hemp seed, Woody Harrelson.
I have to do what's right.
Weed is for the people. It's the people's weed.
- If you don't assassinate him... -We already quit.
...I'm gonna assassinate both of you.
"Run! "Go!
B.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F. forever.
B.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.
- Look out! -Shit!
You're letting them get away!
I smoked weed with Steve Jobs,
and that's when he came up with the iPad.
It's pretty great.
We should make sequels to more of our movies.
Yeah!
How 'bout we not do Your Highness 2?
- Yeah. - Do 128 Hours.
- The beginning of the rest of your comedies. - Looks good.
Oh, my God!
- Emma! -It's Emma.
Oh, my God, you guys are alive.
You're actually alive. Thank God!
I hid in a drainpipe for days.
Like, three or four. I don't even know how many.
And then I stopped hearing people, and I started hearing growling noises.
Out there, in your travels,
did you see anything that you would describe
as Apocalyptish?
I mean, no,
but I would say it's completely obvious what's going on here.
I mean, it's a zombie invasion.
- Fuck! - I'm the one who said it's been zombies.
- You said zombies? - I said zombies the whole time.
- You said zombies? - I don't think... You never said zombies.
Wait a second. You guys haven't been proven right.
These are still just theories.
Honestly, I'm just so relieved that you guys are here,
and I'm very happy about the idea of sleeping and just...
- You tired? - Yeah.
If you want to take a little rest,
you're welcome to do that upstairs.
- Thank you. - Cool.
- I'll show you the way. - Thank you.
Thanks, guys. Seriously, you're awesome, really.
You're awesome.
So fucking tight.
We'll be right out here, okay?
Fuck are you guys doing out here?
Here's what I think we should do. She's British, right?
She's used to eating shitty food anyway.
Let's just give her all the shitty food that we don't want.
That's fucked up. Look how tiny she is.
She's not even a full seven. She's, like, half a seven.
This is a fucking cool thing, man.
I, for one, am very excited. I'm a massive Harry Potter fan.
- What? - Yes. I love fucking Harry Potter.
I cannot wait till she wakes up and I can ask her all these amazing questions about
how they made those motion pictures.
Take it easy, Dumbledore.
Guys, listen, listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.
Whoa. Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
- That's fucked up. I'm right here, man. - Yeah.
I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
- Wow, that's fucking weird. - What does that even mean?
- Yeah, no. - That's racist.
I wasn't referring to him.
I was referring to the issue that's on all of our minds.
What?
This is one girl in a house with six males.
Yeah. Really safe.
Ideal scenario.
She's like a little sister.
I think that she needs...
It's important that she feels safe.
- Yeah. - And comfortable.
And we should be mindful.
Who's making her not feel safe?
Well, I'm just saying, we should...
We don't want to give off a bad vibe.
- Vibe? - Vibes? I ain't giving no vibes.
Yeah, wait, what kind of vibes are you talking about, man?
He's talking about us giving off a rapey vibe.
- Hey! - What?
- Jesus. - Jay, what the fuck, man?
Chill out, dude.
- Why you putting that shit in the mix? - Yeah.
- He fucking said it. - You're the one saying it.
No one here is thinking about raping anyone.
Well, you talking about vibes
is the only thing that's rapey going on right now.
Dude, nothing was rapey till you brought up the rapey vibes.
- Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg. - True that, dude.
One who denies it supplies it.
I know, it's farts, I get it.
Guys, guys, guYs-
Jay's not rapey.
Jay couldn't rape a fly.
He probably could.
Maybe we should just stop this entire conversation right now.
If anyone's gonna rape anyone here, it's probably gonna be Danny.
- What the fuck, Franco? - What?
Why do you think I'm gonna rape somebody?
I'm just trying to lay it out there.
I'm not gonna rape anyone, all right?
If anyone's gonna rape somebody, it's Jay.
- What? - He came up with the rape idea.
And his face looks like the police sketch
-of a fucking rapist. - True.
What the fuck does that mean?
If anybody's raping Emma Watson, it's fucking Sir Rapes-a-Lot over here.
- Chill out. - Hey!
Easy. Easy.
Back the fuck up!
- Emma. - What's wrong?
- Wait, what's wrong? - What's wrong?
I just heard you guys talking about which one of you is gonna get to rape me.
No,no,no,no!
Guys, I got it. I got it.
No. It's funny. It's funny.
We were specifically talking about not raping you.
- Jesus! - Holy shit!
Back up!
It's me, Jonah!
It's me, Jonah Hill.
America's sweetheart. J-bug, J-bone.
- Your friend. I would never hurt you. - Get back!
Give me everything you have to drink! Put it in the bag!
There's six of us. You cannot rob us!
I'm not fucking around!
Give her drinks! Give her drinks!
Put the drinks in a bag!
- Oh, God. - Get all the drinks in a bag!
Hurry the fuck up!
Okay, they're getting the drinks.
- Put the ax down. - Don't give the Milky Way away.
All right, you can put the ax down now.
Now, Franco! Shoot her face!
Shoot her!
I'm not gonna shoot Emma Watson!
Look, Emma, just stay here with us.
It's a lot safer than out there.
Hermione just stole all of our shit.
Little bitty-ass 20-year-old jacked us.
And then Jay suggested that we all rape her, and now she's gone.
I didn't... I was just... I...
I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows
he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
So now, motherfuckers is thirsty.
All right, guys-
The door to the basement's out there, around the side of the house.
I know for sure there's at least two jugs of water.
Okay.
Any volunteers?
Does anyone want to volunteer and go with Jay?
What?
I thought you said, "Someone volunteer to go with me out there."
I must have misheard you.
- I'm sorry. - You did not, you motherfucker.
Hey, okay, ease up.
Just chill out, dude. Just relax, man. God.
So how we gonna decide this, fellas?
All right, guys, it's simple.
Whoever pulls the burnt match has to go get the water.
Who wants to go first?
I'll do it.
Craig.
All right.
Go ahead, brother.
No whammies, no whammies.
- Hey, hey. - Yes! Yeah!
_Fu°k,ye$I 'Yés!
Fuck, yes. Fuck, yes.
- So sorry, Craig. - A lot of guys in here
that I wish it was instead of you.
You want to go best two out of three?
If I tug, if I pull in anyway, or if you hear me screaming,
anything, you pull me right back in, all right?
Yeah. We'll try, man, but you're pretty heavy.
What?
No, I mean, I'm saying, I just don't think it's smart
-to make any guarantees. - Fuck,no.
- You promise to pull me back in. - No, no, we're...
- You got me? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We're gonna do our best. - All right.
- You want to do a test run? - Yeah.
You gotta scream. Let us hear the scream.
Pull.
Nice. Very nice.
Everyone thank Craig for doing this.
- Thanks, Craig. - Thank you, Craig.
Go for it, Craig.
Getting smoky in here. Go, go, go, go.
This is fucked up.
Goddamn.
Smoky as fuck out here.
Rope burn!
Grab it, grab it, grab it!
Oh, no, no, no, no!
- Shit. - Oh, no.
Shit. Shit.
Come on, motherfucker. Shit!
Fuck this shit.
Fellas, fellas! Pull me in! Pull the rope!
- Pull me in! - We don't have the rope anymore!
We fucking dropped it! We're sorry!
You've got the rope, man!
What?
- Craig! - What the fuck do we do?
Craig! Craig!
Are you okay?
What happened, man?
I don't know! There's something out there.
Oh, shit!
A knife! Somebody throw me a knife!
I'll get it.
- Why? - OMG.
Jay, I'm so sorry, bro.
The fuck?
Cut it! Cut it! Cut it! Cut it! Cut it!
God! What the fuck was that?
I don't know what the fuck that was, but I ain't going back out there.
Craig, you didn't even get any of the water.
The door was fucked up.
Damn it, this is so frustrating!
It's so close, but so far.
The water, it's, like, right underneath us.
Like, right there.
What do you mean "right underneath us"?
Like, literally, like, right there.
If you went right through the floor.
Yo.
Danny and Jonah's shift ends in ten minutes, so our break is almost over.
Okay.
Let me ask you something.
You really think this is
the Apocalypse?
You saw something out there, didn't you?
All right, let's just say for sake of argument, what if I did?
What if this is the real shit, right now, happening?
What if it is, man? We're not prepared for this.
- What do we do? What's next? -It says in the Bible,
"The worthy will ascend to Heaven."
Even if it is the Apocalypse, it's not the end of us.
There's still hope.
We just have to somehow try to prove our worthiness.
Okay, so, you mean, like,
like the Ten Commandments, like, do shit unto people
that'll do the same shit to you.
That's a great place to start.
You know, to just overall love.
Just be nicer and follow those commandments.
Listen. We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this, man.
You know why? 'Cause we're gonna do it together.
You promise?
We're gonna do this.
I hear everything.
Who did this?
Did what? What are you talking about?
Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine
I was nice enough to tell you about.
Was it you, Seth?
No.
- No? -It was me, Franco.
I fucking made jizz in your magazine.
- Why? - When I fucking jack off
long enough, I end upjizzing, dude.
I'm assuming the same shit works for you?
Real fucking smart answer! Why don't you fucking aim, huh?
I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere.
It's like a fucking wild fireman's hose.
You just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get in your eyes or your mouth.
The fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers?
You didn't learn to jizz in a fucking sock or on a fucking tissue?
No, I don't have any brothers. I was raised in a house of women!
I highly doubt they fucking taught you
to fucking close your eyes and fucking cum wherever you want!
I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fucking porno mag!
Who has goddamn porno mags anymore?
Welcome to the 21st century, Buck Rogers!
You designed a house with fucking iPads in the walls,
yet you're jerking your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
That's right, man. I like to fucking read!
You think that's the only thing ljerked off in here?
I've been dropping loads around this fucking house like a goddamn dump truck.
You don't cum on my stuff!
I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James. I'll fucking cum in your kitchen.
I'll cum on your fucking art. I'll cum anywhere I want!
I will fucking cum right on you!
I will cum like a fucking madman all over you, McBride!
I fucking wish you'd cum on me right now. I fucking dare you to cum on me!
God!
I'm gonna jack my dick so fucking hard in here!
This, no more, man. All over your fucking face.
This fucking all more. All over the fucking place!
I'll fucking cum anywhere I want!
I'll fucking cum on these walls! I'll cum on the fucking cabinets!
On the fucking furniture! I'll cum everywhere!
If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fucking shoot it off!
You don't have enough bullets, bitch.
No fucking jerking off in my house, McBride!
- Come on, man. - Fuck this.
I'm just... I'm too thirsty to do this.
And the fucking bitter irony is I'm not gonna have my thirst quenched until I finish this.
- God damn it, I hate it. - Danny, no.
Don't walk away. Danny, don't walk away from me!
It's too late, Seth. I've already walked away too much.
No, you haven't. You could still come back
and just fucking turn around and come back and help me.
Danny?
Daniel?
Need a hand?
Yeah, dude.
Your shift just ended, man.
You don't have to help me if you don't want to.
It's fine, I get it.
The fuck else am I doing?
I appreciate it, man. Thank you.
- Done and done. - That's cool.
I don't know why I'm thinking of this, but remember that time
that I got you a fucking Taco Bell gift certificate
for, like, 20 bucks, and I bet you that you couldn't eat all of that in one sitting.
I do remember that. I remember thinking,
"How much food could 20 dollars possibly buy you at Taco Bell?"
And the answer is infinite.
And we went to see fucking Gladiator.
- Yeah. - And you sharted midway through the movie.
- I did. - Due to the tigers' appearance.
- I got scared of the tigers. - Yeah.
Literally, when the second tiger came out, I went...
...and then I shat.
I shat in the theater.
- Jesus. - Oh, fuck.
You guys Okay?
- I broke my ass in half. - Here.
Shit, they got through!
- You guys fucking did it. - Oh, my God.
- Fuck. Did that hurt? - Yes, it fucking hurt.
I loosened this up for you, I'll have you know.
Okay, just shut up. It's fucking dark down here.
Hold on, hold on.
Nice.
- Okay, good. Thank you. - What is that?
That's Terrence Peterson. My monkey flashlight keychain.
Monkey flashlight keychain?
- What's his name? - Terrence Peterson.
- You see it, Seth? - No. Where...
Are you sure it's even down here?
Terry Pete.
Not sure.
Is there, is there any weird shit down here?
Nah, it's where I keep all my stuff from my old movies.
Costumes, props.
- What? -ls someone down there?
It's your fucking stupid cutout from Spider-Man 3.
Jesus Christ.
No shit!
- There it is! - Yes! Yeah!
- What, did you find it? - Yeah!
Water.
That is so fucking good.
The two heroes over here, breaking through the floor.
We did break through the floor.
Any of you guys would have done the same thing.
Oh, man. That fucking hurt.
Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't shart again.
I think I did.
Hey, what year is this? 19...
That's a good... That's a good year.
Hey, hey. Yo, yo, yo!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
What am I doing?
Fuck, man.
I'm just pouring myself another glass of water
to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man!
Will you cut it out?
- Yeah. - We agreed to one glass at dinner,
we voted on it, man.
Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these fucking rules, man.
You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
You cannot have another glass of water.
Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me.
Why the fuck is it fair
that him and I should drink the same amount of water?
We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.
I don't want to come off as a diva here or anything.
It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.
"I just think that everybody should have the fucking same.
"I have a goddamn earring." Shut the fuck up, Jonah!
You know what, Danny? If you weren'tjizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.
You're making me into a joke right now, Franco,
and you are not gonna like the fucking punch line.
No more jerking off! No more water! Just sit the fuck down!
Okay, I'm done.
We're not gonna have any more water.
- Good. - All right.
Hey!
Someone help me! Fucking grab it!
What are you doing?
You guys made this happen!
You guys forced my fucking hand by ganging up on me.
God damn it, I'm gonna fucking kill this motherfucker!
That's what I thought. Nerd.
All right, guys,
let's get rid of him.
What? What do you mean?
Like, kick him out of the house?
His fucking reckless behavior is dragging us all down.
I mean, he wasted our water twice.
Two times. Two times.
Dan is under a lot of pressure. Okay?
And he's not handling it as good as the rest of us are.
Look at him. He's wearing my fucking tuxedo.
He's been eating nonstop.
The fucker's gained weight since he got here.
The fucker's got to go.
Go.
The fucker's got to go.
This is how you all feel?
We talked about it.
You guys are gonna vote me off the island?
I mean, I made you guys breakfast.
Shit, man, you wasted half of our food when you did that.
Just thought I was doing something nice for you guys.
Just to apologize for my behavior at the party.
Party I wasn't even invited to.
I'm not an idiot.
I know why you guys don't fucking call me or hang outwith me anymore.
It's because I party so fucking hard.
Always have. Ever since I was a baby.
I wouldn't just suck on my mama's titties.
I would fucking bang 'em and motorboat 'em.
Everything I've been doing has just been a cry for help.
When I came on your magazine, James,
it was a cum for help.
I've just been crying and c:omin' and crying and c:omin',
tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.
I'm sorry, all right? You can cum wherever you want.
I don't even care about coming anymore.
Right now, I'm just kind of into going.
- Danny. - Danny.
- Hey. - Come on, man.
I fucked up.
I'm sorry, man. Come on, look,
- I was wrong. - I feel like shit, man.
I didn't want it to happen like this.
- Let's just discuss it some more, okay? - Yeah. Let's just talk, dude.
We're giving you an option. It's a choice, man.
There's nothing to figure out, all right?
You guys have said enough, and there's no going back anymore.
I don't know if there maybe is, like, something you guys could give me
so I could at least have some sort of protection while I'm out there.
Danny, you don't have to do this.
- Yeah, man. - All right,
if you're really leaving
then you should take this.
Really?
You don't know what's out there.
Thank you, James.
It means a lot to you, and I appreciate that you'd give this to me,
you stupid, stupid motherfucker!
Fucking psychopath. It's a prop gun!
What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?
You were gonna send me out there with a fucking gun
-filled with blanks? - Fuck you!
Don't turn this around on us.
You just tried to shoot us, you fucking dickhead!
Fucking murdering motherfucker!
Whatever. Fucking civilization is broken down.
There's no more reason for this false bullshit.
You guys act like you're so fucking high and mighty,
like you've never made a goddamn mistake before.
Franco, you're just a pretentious fucking nerd.
Fuck you.
And, Jonah,
you fucking cunt.
Craig, you didn't have my back, back there.
- You fuckin' disappoint me. - Bro.
And, Seth, you duplicitous taint.
- What? - Then of course, there's Jay,
the self-righteous, cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I overheard your little conversation with Craig, all right?
The only reason why you care about any of us is
because you think that's what God wants you to do.
You don't give a shit about us.
No, no, no, no, that's fucking twisting that shit... You're fucking lying.
Am I twisting this?
I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago, at the Four Seasons.
I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth,
so that you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth
when you're in Los Angeles.
Jay.
- Fuck, man. -It's not...
Textbook twattage.
And just for the record, you guys,
I'm choosing to leave, you're not kicking me out.
You guys had already said that I could come back in
and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back in.
Don't be cocky.
Get the fuck out of here.
Is that true?
Yes.
J3Y--'
I know this is probably my fault because I put you on a pedestal,
but you should not be dishonest with your friends.
But you really let me down.
- Hey! Whoa! - Jay, damn, man.
- Fucken - What the hell?
It's all fucked, isn't it?
- Jonah, you okay? - Yeah.
Bleeding?
Yeah.
His insides hurt worse than my outsides.
Dear God,
I'd like to pray to You for a second.
It's me, Jonah Hill.
From Moneyball.
I hate Jay so fucking much.
I think he might be the worst person You ever created.
I don't want to judge You, but...
What's up? What were You thinking that day?
I love Seth, I love being his friend, he's an awesome guy,
but it's like Jay is the last connection to his shitty, weird Canadian life.
Just do me one favor, God.
Just kill Jay.
That'd be so tight.
Stop, man.
Seriously, Craig, stop.
Your nails are sharp.
This is no dream!
This is really happening!
No!
Something not that chill happened last night.
Yo, so, I just drank my own pee for the first time.
And it ain't bad. I never thought to do it.
I always thought, you know, pee stink, whatever, but...
I think we all remember how this works.
Whoever gets the burnt match has to go to one of Franco's
neighbors' houses, get us some food and some water.
No-ho-ho. No, I'm not going first.
- I'll go first. - Thank you.
Very mature of you. Thank you.
Yes!
Sorry.
Good job.
You okay, Jonah?
What's that?
You Okay?
Yeah. Just bad sleep. Crazy dream.
Here, Jonah.
Jonah.
- Okay. - Shit.
Craigers, you feeling lucky?
Will history repeat itself?
Thank you.
You got this, dawg.
Seth! No! Not you!
I'm not going.
- What? - I'm not going.
I'm bowing out. I'm declining to go.
- What? - Let me break it down for you.
I'm not fucking going.
You are definitely going. Tell him he's fucking going.
Tell you what, why don't you fucking go, Mr. Self-Righteous?
You're constantly saying what assholes we are, how good you are.
You go get us some fuckin' water.
I will go.
Because I have
-something called honor. - Fuck, fuck, fuck.
That's good. Yeah, you're very honorable.
I'll go with you, Jay.
Really?
Is it because of our pact upstairs?
Nah, 'cause you got them skinny-ass arms.
You couldn't carry enough to feed a hamster.
It's working.
Let's get that money.
Let's do it.
Yo. Out and to the left.
Bye.
Oh, my God.
What?
That's so sad.
Innocencelost
What is that?
Fire.
There's, like, fire everywhere.
Damn it!
Hey, hey!
Fuck, yeah. Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Hello? - Shut the fuck up!
- What? - You yelling that shit for?
- We got to find out... - Don't yell no more, man.
Crack you in the head with this frying pan.
Okay. So we should probably split up, cover more ground.
What you think this is, Scooby-Doo?
We're gonna go in there, we're gonna find the kitchen,
and get as much shit as we can, together!
Then we're getting the fuck out of here.
- All right, all right. - All right?
Hey.
What are you doing?
That should be me out there. I totally fucked those guys.
Fuck was that?
- Oh, fuck! - Is he okay?
Dude!Jonah!
What the fuck? What do we do?
- Do you know first aid or anything? - No.
- Jonah! - I suck at first aid.
- Are you okay? Shit! - Jonah?
Oh, no. Low blood sugar. LBS.
- LBS! - He's having an LBS episode!
- I'll get the Milky Way! - You get the Milky Way!
Jay.
Jonah, stay with me! Stay with me.
I got it, I got it, I got it, got it, open his mouth.
- It's your friend, Seth. - Open his mouth.
Open his mouth. Open his mouth. I'll get this in there.
- Okay, okay. - Shove it right in there.
Jonah. Milky Way, Jonah.
- You love the Milky Way. - Yummy, yum.
It's not fucking working, man!
- What the fuck! - How do we get it in there?
Chew it up, chew it up and spit in his mouth like a baby bird.
- You just swallowed it, man. -It's so good.
Give me a bite.
The second it hits your mouth is, like, amazing.
- Okay. - Open it.
What the fuck was that?
- That's Hebrew. - That's not Hebrew.
It's fuckin' Latin or something like that.
I went to Hebrew school for six years. That's not Hebrew.
You will drown in a river of blood.
The End of Days is here.
You will quiver in the shadow of Kingdom Come.
Judgment Day is upon you.
The Apocalypse is nigh!
Hey, I think that's all it could fit.
Man, let's take this back to Franco's, get the fuck out of here.
What are we going back for?
What are you talking about?
In theory, we could just fuckin' stay here.
And here, you don't have to sleep in a friggin' tent under a dick.
- I like my dick tent. - I'm just saying,
we could build a life here together, Craig. I'd be really good to you.
All I know is I'm scared as hell, and I just want to get back to our friends.
Yeah, but they're not my friends.
Seth is your friend.
We've been growing apart for years.
That's why I didn't stay with him last time I was here.
And I stayed with him this time to try and salvage it,
but clearly that didn't work out.
Jay, like it or not,
those assholes are all we got.
- Did you hear that? - Yeah, that was a creak.
What is that?
What is that? Is that bile?
I don't know. It's cold.
Sniff it.
No. You sniff it.
- What? - It smells like puke.
Don't get it on me!
- It's in my eyes! - Dude!
-It's in my mouth! - He's gone!
- Where is he? - He's fucking gone!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Please, God! Jesus, Jesus!
Fuck.
- Jonah! - Jonah!
Jonah, stop this!
- Please! - Jonah, where the fuck are you?
Why did you vomit on us!
Bad Jonah! Stop!
Stop eating him!
Watch out! He's super strong!
Shit!
What is happen...
Oh, no!
I'm gonna tittie-fuck you, Seth.
Don't tittie-fuck me!
What are they, big B's or small C's?
I'm gonna push your titties together.
Push 'em together!
I'll get you something to help!
- I'll pass you something! - Okay, pass it to me.
Fuck! Shit!
Seth!
We're getting crazy!
Come on! Come on!
Jesus, open, God damn you, open!
No,no,no,no.
Jesus“.
Oh, fuck.
- We gotta hide. We gotta hide. - I know!
- He's coming! He's coming! - I know he's coming!
I don't know what the fuck to do!
I don't know...
Where are you going?
Shit.
- Please go away. - He's sniffing.
I'm so scared, James.
Be quiet.
- You're breathing really loud. - Am I?
- Don't breathe through your mouth. - Okay.
- Now you're doing loud nose breathing. - Am I?
I don't know where else to breathe from.
- Is that... - Seth.
Oh, shit. Don't move.
Shit, he's coming right this way. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Get out of my way! Move! Move!
Fuck!
You Okay?
Come on!
- Let's go. Let's go. - Okay. Okay. Okay.
What the fuck! What are you doing?
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?
There's a fuckin' demon chasing us!
- A demon? - Demon?
- What the fuck happened to you guys? - That!
- It's Jonah! - He's possessed!
He's crazy!
Oh, fuck! You brained him.
Is that... I was supposed to do that, right?
Yeah.
Motherfucker.
- Fasten! - Hurry!
- Fasten, God damn you, bastard! - He's gonna be fuckin'
bad news when he wakes up!
He's fuckin' strong.
- My side's good. - Oh, shit!
All right, I'll fuckin' hit him.
- Fuck! Come on, come on! - Okay!
This shit's cray cray, guys.
I mean, it's, like, the real, like Apocalypse.
It's, like, the Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God.
Right?
I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time.
Who fuckin' saw that coming? That there's actually a God?
I'd say 95% of the planet.
Jesus fucking Christ, man.
You might want to stay away from saying that.
"Jesus fucking Christ"? Why?
- Why can't I say that? - One of the Ten Commandments.
"Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."
Jesus isn't the name of the Lord.
God is name of the Lord.
Jesus, God, it's all the same.
-It's the Trinity. - Father, Son, Holy Ghost.
It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
I don't even know what the fucking Commandments are.
Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because we're all good people.
I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.
- I'm good. - We're four actors.
We bring joy to people's lives.
Yeah, but we don't do it for free.
We get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.
It's not like it was just handed to any of us. We've worked really hard to be here.
Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.
You sitting on the beach, it's freezing,
you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.
I think God might have just fucked up,
made a mistake, and left us behind by accident.
I mean, He's got a lot of shit on His plate.
It's not an oversight, it's not a mistake, okay?
We got to face facts. We're here, and there's a reason we're all here.
Why are you so sure?
I've done things, man. I...
I gouged a man's eyeballs out.
- What the... - Fuck off.
- Craig. - Well, I was a kid, man.
It was a fuckin' bar fight.
It was a bad foosball game.
He said I didn't call spinneys, and I fuckin' called spinneys.
He got all in my face, and I smashed a bottle across his face,
and the first eyeball was an accident,
but then I was, like, fuck it, and I went for the second one.
It was fucked up. But you know what?
That shit happens. I'm saying, that's... I think that's why I'm here.
I got to admit something.
L.-
I fucked Lindsay Lohan.
She was fucked up. She was high.
It was at the Chateau Marmont, and she kept banging on my door.
She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.
That's fucked up.
Yeah, I said, "Call me the Prince of Persia."
See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know?
We've done more bad shit than good in our lives, and
it's time to pay the piper.
Whoa, shit!
Something's wrong.
God did this.
He gave us light, and then He took it away.
You hear that?
It's the soundtrack of us going insane.
Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.
I know what we can do.
The fuckin' stench.
Jonah Hill?
Jonah?
Jonah Hill.
Jonah Hill is no more.
Demon?
Yes?
Fuck. That's not good.
That's not good.
Jay, you fool.
I say unto thee,
the power of Christ compels you!
Does it? Does it compel me?
The power of Christ compels you!
- Does it, Jay? - The power of Christ compels you!
Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?
The power of Christ compels you!
Guess what? It's not that compelling.
Jay, you serious right now?
That's your fuckin' plan? You're gonna repeat lines from The Exorcist?
I would assume they did their fuckin' research.
- It's a movie! -It's a manual.
It's a fuckin' training manual.
I say unto thee,
the power of Christ compels you!
The power of Christ compels you!
Geez, it hurts a little bit. It's, like, this little sting.
The power of Christ compels you!
- Seriously, fuck off. - The power of Christ compels you!
Jay?
- The power of Christ compels you! - Holy shit!
- You're pissing him off, man. - Just stop it!
- Jay! - The power of Christ compels you!
- The power of... - Get the fuck down!
- Don't fucking push me, asshole! - Geez, man!
- Easy! 'Fuck You!
- You're a fucking asshole, you liar! - Still?
- Yes. Still? Yes. - Guys, guys, we got a possessed guy here!
Do we have to argue about this right now?
- Let 'em fight. - We got an exorcism to finish. Hello?
Do you want to know why I didn't stay with you?
- Yeah. - You fuckin' changed.
You're a fuckin' sell-out.
You did fuckin' sell out. Everyone says.
At least I did change! You act like you're fucking 18 years old still, Jay!
Grow up, Jay. That's why he's yelling at you.
You've been holding me back this whole time!
That means fuck you.
Come on, guys! Come on!
Fuck you, you piece of shit!
Everybody, out!
Craig, stop 'em!
- Get apart! - Now it's on.
Yo! What the fuck is all this, Franco?
Looks like food. How'd that get there?
What? You have more food?
You knew he had extra food?
Yeah, he gave me one cracker.
I would have sucked a dick for half a cracker.
All right, well, maybe I didn't want you to suck my dick, all right?
- Look... - I didn't want to suck it!
- That's the point of what I said! - It was my fucking food!
- Guys, guys, guys, fire! -Boys, boys, boys...
- Shit! - Jonah's on fire!
Put it out!
Use your mouth! Put it out!
Go, go, go, go, 90!
- Where is he? Where is he? - Where is he?
Go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, 90!
Go, get outside!
- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! - Go, go on!
Come on, hurry up, he's coming!
He's coming!
Watch out, watch out!
Oh, my fortress!
Boys, I just want to point out,
we're out in the open now.
- Oh, fuck. - Shit, shit, shit.
- Oh, shit. - Hey, hey, hey.
- My Prius. - Yeah!
- Yes!
What is that?
No fucking way.
We're screwed!
We're totally screwed, guys.
I got this.
- What? - I'll distract the thing.
I'll run over there screaming and shit,
and that should give you enough time to get to the garage.
Well, yeah, but that thing can kill you.
Maybe I deserve it. I've been shitty my whole life.
Being selfish, only doing shit for me.
Maybe it's only right that the last thing I do
on this planet isn't for me.
It's for you guys.
Craig, you don't have to do that.
Thank you very much, Craig.
- I appreciate that. - You spineless...
I love you guys.
You're my best friends.
You're a real mensch, Craig.
See you on the other side.
Hey, hey, asshole! Hey, come on!
Pickle dick, demonic-looking motherfucker.
Nobody's scared of you. You ain't a raccoon!
Yeah, bring your ass, bitch!
Nobody's scared of you! I'm Craig fucking Robinson!
Yeah.
- What's he gonna do? - Craig.
I hope you like big dick, motherfucker, 'cause I'm about to fuck you raw!
For the last goddamn time!
Take your panties off!
Fuck,yeah!
It worked.
What's happening?
Craig! Craig!
Holy shit, do you guys realize what this means?
That Craig was an angel this whole time?
- No, no, it means we can still be saved. - No, no.
I don't fucking get it, why does Craig get saved? I mean...
Craig sacrificed himself for us, which means that there's still hope.
- That means we can be redeemed. - Yeah.
It means that if we're actually nice to each other,
we can get sucked up into Heaven, too. That's the deal.
All right, I got it, let's just head out
-to my place in Malibu. - Yeah.
Just survive long enough until we do enough good things
and they accumulate or do enough sacrifices,
and we'll all go to Heaven together.
That's a great idea, James.
Seriously, really, really good idea.
Really, you're such a smart guy.
Thanks, Seth, you're such a nice guy.
You got a great smile.
- Thanks, man. - And an awesome laugh.
- I've heard it's annoying. - How about that Jay back there, man?
- Dude, Jay, you kidding me? Come on. - Come on.
- One of a kind. - Get out of here.
You got a cool body. You can walk around with your shirt off anytime.
It's not working, this isn't working.
What, you thought we would be Raptured already?
I thought it would happen already.
No, we've just been talking nice.
Talking nice doesn't get you into Heaven.
Doesn't hurt to smile...
What the fuck?
You guys Okay?
- Oh, shit. - Christ.
- Franco! - Come on!
Yo, cut his fucking head off!
What's going on?
No!
"StOpl - No!
- Danny? - What the fuck?
- You guys are still alive? - Yeah.
Holy shit, I didn't expect that.
Fuck out here.
Get...
- Shit, I can't believe you guys are here. - Oh, Jesus.
That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect.
It's been a long time since any of us have eaten,
and you three gentlemen look delicious.
- What does that have to do with us? - The fuck are you talking about?
I'm a cannibal, hombre.
We're gonna fucking eat your ass.
Fuck you, you can't eat us. Fuck that, man.
I do whatever the fuck I want, when I want.
I butt-fucked this dude.
See that?
I fucking slide right in that shit.
I do whatever I want. This is my gimp.
Channing, introduce yourself.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Y'all cool?
That's Channing Tatum.
That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?
Channing fucking Tatum. I found him wandering on the freeway.
I collected him, made him my bitch. Get off my dick.
I call him Channing Tate-yum.
- Hard-core, man. - I got him trained good.
Watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.
- All right, Seth. - Fucking roll over.
- I'm gonna create a diversion. - Yeah.
- You and Jay make a run for it. - What?
Danny's gonna eat you.
Listen, full-on sacrifice for you, dawg,
-like the ending to Pineapple 2. - Yeah, lick that.
- That's Channing fucking Tatum, dawg. - I love him.
That's fucking G.l. Joe, dude. Fucking loves me.
Danny! We're friends! You can't eat us!
I'd love to catch up, but we're fucking starving, so let's eat!
FUCK you!
Run!
Eat this!
Shit, fuck! Get him!
- Who wants it, you piece of shit? - Man, we should go back.
- We should go back and help him. - We should go back.
Fucking Rapture.
- Holy shit! - It worked!
What the fuck?
Go to hell, McBride!
FUCK you!
Suck my dick!
- Oh, shit. - What happened?
What did I do? Take me back!
- What did I do? - I'll tell you what happened, Franco.
You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty. Tom Petty.
You may not have invited me to your party,
-but you're the guest of honor at mine. - What?
How fucking crazy is this?
Seth, Jay!
Oh, shit, they're running after us.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Run.
Bring them to me!
- Fuck. - Get 'em!
Got to get Rogen.
Over here.
- What? Over here, over here. - Here. What?
Shit, shit.
They're around here somewhere.
They kept running, you fucking idiots.
Shit, are they still there?
- I think they're gone. - Are they gone?
- Oh, my God. - Why did Franco flip off Danny?
Why did he have to do that, man?
- He was in the clear. - That is textbook.
Vanity or...
- Is it vanity? - Vanity or envy.
Is it envy or wrath?
- It's any of them, man. - You can't do that.
It's being a sore winner, is what it is,
-more than anything. - That's exactly what it is.
- You can't be a sore winner. - No.
Well, this is another fine mess we found ourselves in.
Fuck.
Listen, Jay...
Oh, shit.
Get out of here, let's get out of here.
You've got to be fucking shitting me!
- Oh, my God. - Oh, no.
- That thing's big. - Holy shit.
It's so big.
Oh, man. Oh, Jesus.
- We're gonna die, man. - Okay.
Okay, we're gonna die.
- Jesus! - Oh, no!
- Shit. - Listen to me, man.
I'm a fucking idiot. I put myself up.
I'm self-righteous.
- I think I'm better than you. - No, no.
I was resistant to change.
- No. - I should have grown with you.
I should have changed with you. We should have changed together.
I didn't like what I became so I hated what you became.
It's fine, man. It's fine.
- I love you, Seth, fucking love you, buddy. - I love you, man.
- I always loved you. - Let's die together, man.
- Let's die together. - I love you, Jay.
- Holy shit, Jay, all right! - Yeah, we did it!
I'm not getting sucked up into Heaven!
What do you mean? Why not?
I don't know why not!
Take my hand!
Okay, take me with you, Jay!
I'll take you with me.
Yeah!
- Yeah! -It's working!
Yeah!
Oh, no! He sees us!
He can't touch us!
We're in a force field!
Oh, shit! Shit!
It's not gonna take me with you!
We're going down!
Keep holding on and you'll get pulled up, too!
It's not! No, I won't, man!
I don't deserve to.
Fuck.
I'm gonna let go, Jay.
You'll die!
I know, but you won't.
No!
I don't deserve to go to Heaven, but you do.
You do, okay?
We're both gonna die if I don't let go.
I'm not gonna hold you back anymore.
No!
Yeah!
Come, hold my hand, buddy!
Hold my hand!
- Yeah! - You did it!
- Yeah!
You did it!
Yeah!
We're flying!
- Look! - What?
Wow.
Welcome to Heaven, motherfuckers.
Craig!
- Yay! - Yeah !
- Craig. - Oh, my...
- What? - This is awesome.
- Are you an angel? - Yes, sir.
- That's so cool, man. - That is so cool.
Congratulations, dude.
Fellas.
- Yeah. - Yes.
Dude, you got one.
- What? - That's so cool.
- Do I have one? - Do I have one?
- I can't see it. - Do I have...
- Wait. - Let's touch 'em.
- Dude, this is so... - Wow.
- What do we do now? - Yeah.
Come this way.
Right? Do you love it? Do you love it?
Whoa, they got weed in Heaven?
- What? - You tell me.
What?
Holy shit! That's awesome!
Wow.
That's insane, man.
No,no,no,no,no,no.
That's Heaven. Anything you could think of is yours.
Whoa!
Holy shit, this is awesome.
Segway!
I've always wanted to ride one of these things.
Go ahead, Jay, make a wish.
Anything you could think of.
Anything?
What?
No fucking way.