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THEY SAY HAVING A SISTER IS LIKE HAVING
A BEST FRIEND YOU CAN'T GET RID OF.
YOU KNOW, WHATEVER YOU DO THEY'LL STILL BE THERE.
WELL THAT WAS NEVER OUR STORY.
OUR STORY IS ABOUT HOW SISTERS CAN SINK EACH OTHER-- REALLY SINK EACH OTHER.
MORNING, MARTHA.
HI, ERIC.
- THAT YOUR SISTER? - OH, YEAH, SURE IS.
HI.
SMELLS LIKE PISS BACK HERE.
WOW. I THOUGHT YOUR SISTER WAS KIDDING
WHEN SHE SAID YOU WERE A BUZZ KILL.
SHANNON? HEY, SHANNON! SHAN!
SHANNON!
GREAT. NOW WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER A BUNCH
OF SWEATY LEZZIES.
GOD, WHAT IS WITH YOU TODAY?
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TELL THAT GUY I'M A BUZZ KILL?
OH MY GOD! SHANNON JACKSON?
- WHAT? - IT'S ME! KRISTEN!
I WORK AT THE FRONT DESK.
OKAY.
YOU REMEMBER, KRISTEN METZ?
WOW, OH MY GOD.
YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME?
NO? KRISTEN?
REMEMBER, I WAS, LIKE,
"AH! MY ANKLE! OW!"
DID I KICK YOU IN THE ANKLE?
THEN I WAS LIKE "SIGN MY CAST!"
AND THEN-- YOU COULDN'T--
YOU DIDN'T DO IT, BUT, GOD, I KNEW IT WAS YOU!
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
- YES. - OKAY, I REMEMBER YOU.
OKAY, GREAT.
AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE,
LIKE, TEACHING AT THAT FANCY PANTS SCHOOL IN CARMEL BY THE SEA?
YEAH, I WAS BUT THEN
I GOT FIRED 'CAUSE I FUCKED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.
- OH. - YEAH.
WOOPS.
JANITOR, LACROSSE COACH, COUPLE SUBS,
THE HEADMASTER-- THAT WAS MY BIG MISTAKE
ACTUALLY BECAUSE WE GOT CAUGHT BY SOME KIDS
UNDER THE BLEACHERS AT HOMECOMING.
OH.
SO NOW I'M A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER.
YAY!
YEAH.
OH, YOU CAN'T CLEAN ANY ROOMS WITH KIDS IN THEM.
BUT THAT'S FINE. THEY'RE ALWAYS REALLY DIRTY ANYWAY.
OH, BY THE WAY, I SUCKED YOUR BOYFRIEND'S DICK AT
CHRIS DELUCA'S PROM PARTY.
I'M SORRY?
YEAH. I THINK HE MUST ATE A LOT OF PINEAPPLE
BECAUSE HIS SPUNK IS TASTY.
YOU GUYS MARRIED? IS IT SCOTT METZ?
SO I GUESS WE MAY AS WELL JUST JUMP IN, RIGHT?
GET STARTED, BASICALLY
YOU JUST GET YOUR KEY OUT OF LANYARD LIKE THAT
AND THEN YOU KNOCK THREE TIMES, YEAH?
AND THEN YOU SAY--
FUCK OFF! I'M SLEEPING!
OKAY, LET'S NOT GO IN THERE.
UGH. PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING.
CHECK THIS. THIS IS HOW YOU PUT ON A NEW PILLOW CASE.
THEN WHAT YOU DO IS THE DOUBLE-FOLD MANEUVER.
THIS IS ALSO REALLY NICE
TO DO IN YOUR OWN HOME, AND THEN LIKE THAT, FLUFF, FLUFF.
PERFECT P-CASE.
WHY ARE YOU CHANGING THE PILLOW CASES?
IT'S THE SAME PEOPLE. THEY'RE NOT CHECKING OUT.
OKAY, HOW ABOUT WE JUST TRY TO KEEP THIS JOB,
SHAN, AND NOT BE SO LAZY?
FINE.
WHAT DO I DO WITH THEIR SHIT? DO I HAVE TO FOLD IT?
OKAY, IF I RAPED YOU RIGHT NOW WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME RIGHT NOW.
YOU NEVER WANT TO PLAY.
YEAH, I KNOW, THAT'S WHY I'M NOT PLAYING.
THIS WAS A STUPID GAME WHEN WE WERE KIDS AND IT STILL IS.
HEY, REMEMBER THAT OLD FRENCH PRESIDENT
WHO ATTACKED THAT AFRICAN MAID?
HE WAS LIKE A GRANDPA AND SHE STILL HAD TO SPIT HIS JIZZ.
WELL, I'M NOT SPITTING ANYONE'S JIZZ.
OKAY, IF I RAPED YOU RIGHT NOW WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
NO ONE'S RAPING ME IN THIS UNIFORM.
IT'S NOT REALLY MY COLOR.
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IN A RAPE SITUATION IS YELL, "FIRE!"
WHY WOULDN'T I YELL RAPE?
NO ONE RESPONDS TO THAT.
WHO ARE YOUR FRIENDS?
SO BASICALLY YOU PUT YOUR LAUNDRY INSIDE THE UNIT.
AND THEN YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU HAVE FULL LOAD BEFORE YOU START THE MACHINE.
HEY, MARTHA.
HEY, JERRY. HOW WAS YOUR VACATION?
DOLLYWOOD WAS AWESOME.
YOU MUST BE SHANNON.
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.
YOUR SISTER SAID THAT YOU'RE A GREAT SISTER.
I'VE GOT MY BUCKET.
AND THEN WHEN THAT'S DONE YOU CAN JUST MOVE OVER AND,
YOU KNOW, CLOSE IT UP.
HIT START.
THEN ONCE THAT'S GOING YOU CAN MOVE OVER HERE
AND START FOLDING STUFF.
WHO IS THAT?
WHO? JERRY? OH, HE'S THE EXECUTIVE MAID.
HE'S WORKED HERE FOR LIKE 15 YEARS.
SO HE'S THE TOP DOG.
YOU'RE KIDDING. THAT'S OUR BOSS?
GOD, SHAN.
WHAT? I'M JUST SAYING.
DON'T BE SO INSENSITIVE.
YOU'RE LUCKY THAT HE THINKS SEX OFFENDERS FIGHT SEX CRIMES.
YOU KNOW THIS SPOT IS REALLY COMPETITIVE.
YOU WANT TO GO GET SOME HUMP DAY DRINKS
TO CELEBRATE YOUR FIRST DAY?
NOT REALLY.
COME ON. WHO'S A BETTER DANCER?
ME OR JODIE FOSTER IN "THE ACCUSED?"
THAT'S NOT A CONTEST YOU WANT TO WIN.
I LIKE THIS PLACE 'CAUSE OF THE MUSIC.
THAT'S GREAT.
AND THE GIRLS.
I'M SO GLAD YOUR BACK.
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ABOUT THE LAST FEW WEEKS OF REHAB?
I'M NOT.
REHAB IS REHAB, YOU KNOW?
IT'S MY RECOVERY. IT'S PRIVATE. IT'S MY THING.
WELL HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, THOUGH?
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER?
I DON'T KNOW.
I FEEL NUMB.
WELL, HEY, AT LEAST NUMBNESS IS A FEELING, RIGHT?
TO NUMBNESS.
WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS WHAT?
THAT, SHAN. THAT DIDN'T SEEM NUMB.
I'M ALLOWED TO LOOK AT OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.
HOW'S THAT FREELOADING WEIRDO YOU'RE DATING?
WHO? ALICIA? SHE'S NOT A WEIRDO.
MAYBE YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE.
I THINK I'M THINKING OF ALICIA.
UM, I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S JUST GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW, SO WE SPLIT UP.
SHE WANTED TO LIKE--
SUCK SOME DICKS?
NO, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO-- STOP, SHANNON.
SHE'S A LOSER STRAIGHT GIRL
WHO WAS NEVER GOING TO SETTLE DOWN WITH YOU.
I LIKE HELPING PEOPLE.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, WHO ELSE DID?
MOM, AND IT LEFT HER WITH TWO TITS FULL OF CANCER
SO ENJOY THAT.
I'M GONNA GO PAY FOR THESE BEERS.
AS USUAL.
HEY, SHAN, YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO GO WITH ME, RIGHT?
I HAVE A MEETING.
YOU WANT SOME FIDDLE FOR YOUR PADDLE?
NO, I'M GOOD. I'LL GET SOMETHING ON THE WAY.
OKAY, IF YOU GET HUNGRY THERE'S SOME STUFF IN THE FREEZER.
THERE'S BAGEL BITES, THREE CHEESE, CHEESE, SAUSAGE AND PEPPERONI.
STOP TREATING ME LIKE I'M DAD.
WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMEONE HAD TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.
LOOK, IF YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE
THERE'S PB & J OR GRILLED CHEESE STUFF.
I'VE BEEN HERE A WEEK.
I KNOW MY FOOD OPTIONS.
JUST GO TO CLASS.
AND THERE'S PINEAPPLE AND COUNTRY CROCK.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY?
YEAH.
PROMISE YOU'RE GOING TO EAT SOMETHING, RIGHT,
- NOT JUST SMOKE? - YEAH.
OKAY.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.
HAVE A GREAT MEETING.
HEY, SHAN, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT, YOU KNOW,
I'M HELLA PROUD OF YOU
THAT YOU'RE GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER.
I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT.
I MEAN LOOK AT ME.
THANKS, DUMMY.
OKAY, SEE YOU, WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YOU.
I DON'T MEAN IT.
I'LL BE BACK, THE TERMINATOR.
I'LL BE BACK.
LIKE, I'M GOING TO COME BACK AFTER THE GYM.
- HEY. - HEY.
THANKS FOR THE TEXT BUT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CALL, NOT COME OVER.
OH.
SORRY, WELL, I'M HERE NOW SO COME ON OUT.
LET'S FUCK LIKE HORNY TEENAGERS.
COME ON. COME ON.
UH...
YEAH, NO. I CAN'T BECAUSE I FORGOT TONIGHT WAS DATE NIGHT.
JULIE IS COMING HOME AND WE'RE GOING TO PLAY "SCRABBLE."
WHAT? GOD.
- YOUR WIFE SUCKS. - YEAH, I KNOW.
EVERYTHING BUT YOUR DICK.
I STAYED IN THAT HOTEL ROOM FOR TWO WEEKS
SO THAT MY SISTER WOULDN'T KNOW I GOT KICKED OUT
OF REHAB FOR YOU.
YEAH, I'M THE ONE WHO FORGED THE RELEASE PAPERS
SO THE COURT WOULDN'T BE ALL OVER YOUR ASS.
IT WAS THE LEAST YOU COULD DO.
I'M PRETTY SURE THERAPISTS AREN'T SUPPOSED
TO FUCK THEIR REHAB PATIENTS.
THERAPISTS ARE SCREWED UP PEOPLE. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHARON STONED ME IN THE OFFICE, REMEMBER?
- THAT'S HOT. - IT WAS VERY HOT.
"BASIC INSTINCT" IS A GREAT MOVIE.
BUT I CAN'T.
YOU SAID WHEN I GET BACK TO MY SISTER'S,
WE'D BE BACK ON A REGULAR SCHEDULE.
I NEED TO GET LAID.
YOU KNOW, I THINK AS YOUR THERAPIST
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO A MEETING TONIGHT, OKAY?
I'M WET.
FINE, MEETINGS ARE GREAT PLACES TO GET LAID.
OKAY, I CAN FUCK YOU IN THE CAR
BUT I HAVE 10 MINUTES AND THAT'S IT. LET'S GO.
FROM YOUR HIPS. FROM YOUR HIPS.
WATCH YOUR FOOTWORK.
I PROMISE I WON'T MAKE YOU DO MORE.
OKAY. UM...
OKAY.
KRAV MAGA. WE HAVE ONE RULE, ONE RULE ONLY.
NEVER STOP FIGHTING!
- HIYA! - HIYA!
THANK YOU.
I'M HERE MONDAYS,
WEDNESDAYS, FRIDAYS AT 8:00 P.M., WEEKENDS I'M HERE AT NOON.
THE REST OF THE TIME
I'M STUDYING TO BECOME A NUN SO DON'T BOTHER ME.
- HELLO. - HEY, KELLY. GREAT CLASS.
AMAZING FOCUS TONIGHT. REALLY.
I'M TOTALLY RETHINKING MY PLAN OF KNIFING YOU IN AN ALLEY.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD THAT PLAN.
HEY HAVE YOU SEEN ALICIA AROUND?
I JUST THOUGHT THAT I WOULD SEE HER
'CAUSE SHE USUALLY WORKS OUT AT NIGHT.
I MEAN, THANK GOD I DIDN'T 'CAUSE IT'S JUST--
IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
SHE CAN'T WORK OUT IN THE MORNING.
AND SHE DOESN'T GET DOWN WITH HER PARALEGAL STUFF
UNTIL LIKE 7:00.
AND THEN SHE CAN ONLY REALLY WORK OUT BETWEEN 7:30 AND 8:30
BECAUSE SHE HAS TO WATCH "THE GOOD WIFE" AT 9:00.
AND SHE'S NOT HERE.
I HAVEN'T SEEN HER.
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS
BUT I REALLY THINK I PULLED SOMETHING
LIKE, I MEAN GLUTS BACK THERE.
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THOSE BEERS PRE-CLASS.
THAT'S OKAY.
WHY DON'T WE GO SOMEWHERE AND CONTINUE HAVING BEERS?
AND THEN GET SOME THAI FOOD OR SOMETHING.
DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
I LOVE THAI.
IT'S JUST IT SUCKS BECAUSE I CAN'T TONIGHT SO,
YOU KNOW, MY SISTER IS BACK
AND I JUST-- I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HER HOME ALONE TOO LONG.
SHE'S STILL FRAGILE.
OKAY, COOL.
I MEAN NOT COOL THAT SHE'S FRAGILE OR WHATEVER. I'M SORRY--
WHAT'S UP, SHORTIES?
WHAT?
I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE SOME SMALL TALK.
BYE.
TODAY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT OUR BOTTOMS, SO P.S. ON THE TOPS.
WATCH THE TRIGGER MATERIAL, PLEASE.
SORRY, DENISE.
TALKING ABOUT OUR ROCK BOTTOMS.
I WAS LIVING A PRETTY AWESOME LIFE.
I WORKED AT "THE OPRAH SHOW" IN CHICAGO.
I STARTED AS AN ASSISTANT,
WORKED MY WAY UP TO ASSOCIATE PRODUCER.
I WAS MAKING A LOT OF MONEY.
AND I WAS DOING A LOT OF BLOW, LIKE, A LOT OF BLOW.
AND YOU KNOW HOW BLOW IS. IT'S VERY SLIMMING.
I HAD LIKE ABS TO MY NECK.
I LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING PAKISTANI MARK-PAUL GOSSELAAR.
THAT'S ZACK MORRIS FROM "SAVED BY THE BELL."
EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT.
I HAD THAT SHIT ON LOCK, OR SO I THOUGHT.
CUT TO TWO YEARS LATER
AND I WAKE UP COMPLETELY NAKED IN AN ABANDONED CONSTRUCTION SITE
OUTSIDE OF WRIGLEY FIELD.
HOW DID I GET THERE?
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T EVEN LIKE BASEBALL.
ANYWAY WHEN I...
DID MAKE IT TO WORK THAT DAY, I GOT FIRED.
OPRAH WAS VERY STRICT ABOUT THAT.
I WAS THIS CLOSE TO OPRAH, LITERALLY THIS CLOSE.
SHE WOULD WALK RIGHT BY ME.
AND I THREW IT ALL AWAY FOR DRUGS AND DICK--
MEDIOCRE, MEDIOCRE DICK.
PRETTY GOOD DRUGS THOUGH.
THANK YOU.
I DON'T, LIKE, CONSIDER LOSING A JOB A BOTTOM.
IT WASN'T JUST ANY JOB.
IT WAS A JOB WITH OPRAH WINFREY.
WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT OPRAH?
AMERICA.
SHE'S A BITCH.
SHAN, THE SMOG INDEX IS AT 2.
IT'S A GREAT DAY. GET UP.
HEY, SHAN,
I LAID OUT YOUR UNIFORM AND THE SHOWER'S HOT AND READY FOR YOU.
I'M GOING TO MAKE US BREAKFAST.
OKAY.
YOU NEED TO GET UP.
I HEARD YOU.
I'M EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH SO I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE.
I KNOW YOU DON'T.
YOU SHOULDN'T EAT THAT CRAP.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN EDGY ALL MORNING, SHAN.
I THOUGHT THOSE MEETINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP MELLOW YOU OUT.
IT'S CALLED PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION.
AND I DON'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I STILL LIVE IN THIS SHIT BOWL.
HEY, IF YOU HATE FRESNO SO MUCH WHY DID YOU COME BACK?
OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE I'VE MADE A SERIES OF POOR LIFE DECISIONS.
LOOK, POSITIVE THINKING MEANS POSITIVE RESULTS.
HEY, I OWN A HOME. THAT'S MY AMERICAN DREAM.
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.
HEY, NANCY.
WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING DOWN.
OH, YEAH?
I'LL TAKE THE RIDE WITH YOU.
YOU'RE NEW HERE.
I KNOW EVERYONE WHO WORKS IN THE HOTEL. SO...
HOW DO YOU LIKE THE JOB SO FAR?
I CLEAN ROOMS. HOW DO YOU THINK I LIKE IT?
RIGHT.
ENJOY YOUR BURRITO.
HAVE A GREAT DAY, LADIES.
I HATE THAT GUY. HE'S ALWAYS HERE WITH PROSTITUTES.
PROSTITUTES HAVE TO EAT TOO.
WELL, HE'S GROSS.
HE'S FINE. DON'T BE SO JUDGMENTAL.
WE'RE STILL NOT CLEANING 400.
HIS ROOM SMELLS LIKE BURNT HAIR AND HE REUSES OLD CONDOMS.
NOBODY DOES THAT.
HE DOES.
- SHAN. - WHAT?
HE HANGS THEM OVER THE SHOWER ROD LIKE WIENER COZIES.
WELL, THAT'S FOUL.
I APPRECIATE YOUR CREATIVITY RIGHT NOW
BUT THIS ISN'T AN ART PROJECT. THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL JOB.
YOU TOLD ME TO STOCK MY CART.
I AM STOCKING MY CART.
YOU'RE OVER-STOCKING.
THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH TOILET PAPER.
NO ONE IS GOING TO GO TO THE BATHROOM THAT MUCH.
UM, YOU KNOW, I'LL TAKE ROOMS 403 TO 408.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE ON YOUR OWN?
I THINK I CAN CLEAN PUBES OFF SOAP BY MYSELF.
THANK YOU.
HEY, DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE I SENT YOU?
YES, I DID. YOU LOOK VERY HEALTHY.
YOU LOOK VERY WELL HYDRATED.
I JUST POSTED IT ON INSTAGRAM.
I HAVE 10,000 NEW FOLLOWERS.
LISTEN, I HAVE SOME VERY BIG NEWS.
WHAT IS IT?
I GAVE JULIE THE LETTER.
I'M FINALLY OUT, LIKE, REALLY OUT.
WAIT, WHY? WHAT DID YOU DO?
I GAVE HER THE LETTER. I TOLD HER EVERYTHING.
WHAT?
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE
TO DO IT BUT I SAW THE MOMENT.
IT SORT OF PRESENTED ITSELF, AND THEN I WAS PRESENT FOR IT.
AND IT JUST KIND OF HAPPENED.
SHE DIDN'T TAKE IT VERY WELL.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S GOING TO BE HER THING.
I WANT TO BE A REAL COUPLE, OKAY?
I WANT TO GO TO MOVIES WITH YOU
AND SIT AT THE SAME TABLE IN RESTAURANTS
AND NOT HAVE TO FUCK IN THE BUSH.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK? - WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WELL, BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU WANTED ME TO LEAVE MY WIFE.
YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D ACTUALLY DO IT.
GOD! WHO DOES THAT? GO BACK.
WELL, I CAN'T GO BACK. I JUST TOLD HER AND I'D--
GO BACK, EDWIN.
SHANNON, I LOVE YOU, ALL RIGHT?
I'M IN THIS. YOU'RE IN THIS TOO, RIGHT?
LOOK, I CAN'T TAKE THIS KIND OF PRESSURE RIGHT NOW.
HUH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE--
I'M NOT WHAT-- WHAT?
HEY, CAN YOU COME BACK IN 10?
DO YOU WANT TO FUCK?
HEY, ALICIA, IT'S MARTHA CALLING.
I WAS JUST CALLING
BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE GYM LAST NIGHT
AND THAT MAKES ME REALLY WORRIED.
YOU CALL ME CHAMP,
AND I'LL FUCK YOU SO HARD YOU'LL COME OUT YOUR BUTT.
I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID
AND I TOLD HER THAT YOU CAN ONLY STAY FOR TWO MORE WEEKS.
I MEAN, I HAVEN'T TOLD HER YET BUT I'M GOING TO TELL HER, SO...
BUT IT WOULD BE REALLY GREAT TO YOU ABOUT THAT.
GO-- GO TO THE BED.
UH, I MEAN, I KNOW YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TALK.
SO, IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT, OKAY?
SO, I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE WE CAN HANG OUT AGAIN SOON OR SOMETHING
OR JUST CALL ME OR TEXT ME.
- GET DOWN. - OKAY.
YEAH.
GONNA GET IT.
OKAY, BYE.
SHANNON?
HOUSEKEEPING.
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
WHAT THE? WHAT THE FUCK?
- FIRE! - GET OFF--GET OFF OF HER.
SHAN!
YOU WERE RIGHT.
- TAG TEAM! - GET AWAY FROM MY LITTLE SISTER!
YOU STILL HAVE YOUR PUSSY, BABY.
JUMP BACK ON MY DICK.
YOU'RE A DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT.
SHAN!
NO, NO, NO, SHAN.
GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT THE FUCK, SHAN?
- GOD. - OKAY.
- OH, MY GOD. - OKAY. OKAY.
OKAY. OKAY. SHANNON.
IS HE DEAD? HOLY SHIT, SHIT.
HE'S DEAD SHANNON.
DID I JUST KILL SOMEONE?
I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING, SHAN.
DID I JUST FUCKING KILL SOMEONE?
CALM, BE CALM.
- OH, MY GOD. - OKAY. IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
HE WAS RAPING YOU, RIGHT?
- YES. - RIGHT? RAPING?
100% RAPE.
THAT'S WAS A RAPE.
HE WAS RAPING THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
OKAY, THEN HE WAS RAPING YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT? MARTHA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T YOU PUT--
- I'M GOING TO THE FRONT DESK. - DON'T EVEN--
FRONT DESK.
WHAT? ARE YOU CALLING THE FRONT DESK?
I'M TELLING THEM WHAT HAPPENED.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
HELLO?
- HELLO? - WE CAN BLAME THIS ON OUR BOSS.
- JERRY? - YEAH, HE WOULD LOVE JAIL.
IT'S VERY STRUCTURED.
HE'D MAKE FRIENDS.
HELLO?
DO YOU WANT ME TO GO TO JAIL?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? 'CAUSE LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MARTHA.
I AM A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
HOW DO I PROVE THAT HE RAPED ME?
I NEED YOUR HELP.
FINE.
WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
EXCUSE ME.
YEAH, I GOT A PHONE CALL. IS EVERYTHING OKAY IN THERE?
HELLO?
HELLO? THIS IS KRISTEN FROM THE FRONT DESK.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY IN THERE?
CAN YOU OPEN UP, PLEASE?
BY LAW I NEED TO CHECK WHAT IS GOING ON.
CAN I HELP YOU?
LET ME IN. WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?
NOTHING. I'M JUST CLEANING.
OH REALLY? 'CAUSE I GOT A STRANGE CALL.
IT SOUNDED LIKE A FIGHT OR SOMETHING.
NO, I'M JUST REALLY INTENSELY CLEANING.
IT'S REALLY DIRTY IN HERE.
OKAY, LISTEN TO ME, IF YOU WERE CALLING ME
AND YOU WERE PRANKING ME, LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL,
THAT IS GROUNDS FOR DISMISSAL HERE, MISSY.
AND I AM SURE THAT JERRY WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO AND TELL HIM, KRISTEN?
GOOD, I'M TEXTING HIM RIGHT NOW WITH MY OTHER HAND
THAT YOU CAN'T SEE.
- WHATEVER. - NO.
WE NEED TO HURRY. JERRY'S COMING.
- OKAY. - WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'M JUST BEING RESPECTFUL. HE DESERVES SOME DIGNITY.
EVERYONE DESERVES SOME DIGNITY.
- EVEN RAPISTS? - YES, EVEN RAPISTS.
OKAY.
PULL HARDER.
HEADING TO 400, COPY.
OVER AND OUT, GOOD BUDDY.
WHERE ARE WE TAKING HIM?
THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE IS EMPTY.
LUNCH TIME.
GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE'S BARKING.
SHIT SHEETS.
THE SHEETS ARE FILLED WITH SHIT. YEAH.
SOMEONE HAD AN ACCIDENT.
A BACHELOR PARTY.
HAVE A GOOD DAY. ENJOY YOUR STAY HERE.
SHIT. HE LIVES IN FRESNO.
HOPE HE DOESN'T HAVE FAMILY HERE
AND THEY DON'T COME LOOKING FOR HIM.
MAYBE HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY FAMILY. OUR PARENTS ARE DEAD.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO WOULD TURN THAT INTO A POSITIVE.
LOOK AT THIS.
DUDE WON A BRONZE IN BEIJING.
YOU KILLED AN OLYMPIAN.
ONLY IF YOU CONSIDER HAMMER THROW A SPORT WHICH--
OH NO. FUCK!
WHO WOULD CALL HIM?
FUCK! IT'S HIS SISTER.
OKAY, JUST GIVE IT TO ME.
I'LL JUST LET IT GO TO VOICE MAIL, THEN WE'LL--
HELLO?
- I KNOW YOU'RE THERE. - IT'S A REALLY OLD PHONE.
- I DIDN'T KNOW. - HELLO?
YOU HAVE REACHED THE VOICEMAIL BOX OF...
BORIS LIP-KA.
AT THE TONE LEAVE A MESSAGE.
BEEP!
HEY. IT'S ME.
I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY JERKING OFF IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM
LIKE A DISGUSTING PIG RIGHT NOW,
BUT YOU BETTER COME HOME FOR DAD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY TODAY.
I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF DEALING WITH THESE TWO INVALIDS ON MY OWN!
YOU BETTER BE HERE BY 3:00
OR I SWEAR I'LL COME GET YOU MYSELF.
OKAY, SO THEY'RE NOT CLOSE AND HIS PARENTS ARE INVALIDS.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS GOOD NEWS.
WHEN HE DOESN'T SHOW UP AT 3:00
HIS SISTER IS GOING TO COME LOOKING FOR HIM.
WHAT IF WE DUMP HIS BODY AT DRY CREEK CANAL
AND MAKE IT LOOK A SUICIDE?
ISN'T THAT WHERE EVERYONE DUMPS BODIES?
HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THAT?
OF COURSE, THE RAPIST HAS A RAPIST VAN.
LET'S HURRY UP AND GET HIM IN THERE.
LOOK, SHAN, HE WAS TRYING TO BE A GOOD PERSON.
HE WAS IN TO YOGA.
WE CAN STILL GO TO THE POLICE.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE POLICE, OKAY?
WE'RE DUMPING THE BODY AT DRY CREEK.
UNLESS YOU CAN FIND HIS PARENTS' ADDRESS IN HIS PHONE.
AND THEN-- THEN WHAT?
JUST PUT HIM ON THE DOORSTEP, RING THE BELL?
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HERE'S YOUR DEAD SON."
CALM DOWN, ALL RIGHT?
CALM DOWN.
JUST FIGURE OUT A DIFFERENT WAY TO MAKE HIS BODY DISAPPEAR.
GIVE ME THE PHONE. JUST GIVE IT TO ME.
ALL RIGHT, HERE IT IS.
MOM AND DAD'S ADDRESS, BOOM AND BOOM.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WHEN WE GET THERE?
I HAVE A PLAN.
USE YOUR KEY!
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M A FRIEND OF BORIS'S, AS YOU MUST BE HIS SISTER.
- YES, I AM. - I'M HIS FRIEND.
BORIS DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
I'M HIS SISTER AND I'M NOT EVEN HIS FRIEND.
WELL--
- WELL-- - WHERE IS HE?
UH...HE'S-- BORIS IS MORE THAN A FRIEND TO ME. I'M HIS LIFE GURU.
OH, THIS IS GOOD. SO HE'S GOT A LIFE COACH NOW?
GURU.
OH, GURU.
- YEAH. - INTERESTING.
SO WHAT KIND OF STUFF DO YOU ADVISE HIM ON?
THE BEST PROSTITUTES TO FUCK?
I CAN SEE WHY YOU WOULD SAY THAT
AND THAT HAS BEEN HIS PAINFUL REALITY FOR SOME TIME,
BUT I'M HOPING WITH MY HELP AND GUIDANCE
WE CAN MOVE HIM THROUGH THAT AND I CAN HELP HIM CHANGE.
WELL, IT'S TOO BAD THAT HE WASN'T HERE
TO HELP ME WHEN I WAS CHANGING POP'S DIAPERS, HUH?
COULDN'T HELP HIM WITH THAT I GUESS, RIGHT?
ARE YOU FEELING A LOT OF PAIN?
- YES. - CAN I COME IN?
OKAY, COME IN.
GURU, GURU.
YES, I'M A--
GURU, GURU.
GURU.
GURU, GURU, GURU.
SO I'M HERE TO REPRESENT BORIS.
AND HE-- HE HAS COME TO THE REALIZATION
THAT HE HAS BEEN LIVING IN THE PAST.
AND ALTHOUGH WINNING AN OLYMPIC BRONZE MEDAL
IS A MAJOR LIFE ACHIEVEMENT,
HE'S NEVER BEEN ABLE TO REALLY MOVE PAST THIS.
SO WE'VE DECIDED THAT'S IT'S DUE TO FEAR OF FAILURE.
HE'S AFRAID OF FAILING!
SO WE'VE DECIDED THE BEST THING FOR BORIS
RIGHT NOW IN ORDER FOR HIM TO START OVER IS TO LEAVE FRESNO FOREVER.
TO NEVER EVER COME BACK,
TO SEVER ALL TIES WITH HIS FAMILY
AND TO NEVER EVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN.
THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL DAY LONG.
HE REQUESTED THAT I GIVE YOU HIS BACKPACK.
BORIS, DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!
BORIS IS SO SORRY THAT HE HAS TO LEAVE THE FAMILY,
BUT HE KNOWS IT'S THE ONLY WAY
HE'S GOING TO BE ABLE TO GROW UP.
POOPY!
YOU BETTER--
YOU THINK SHE BOUGHT IT?
I THINK SO. BUT THIS WILL HELP.
"SELL THIS AND GET OUT OF FRESNO.
I LOVE YOU. BUT I CAN'T CHANGE ANOTHER DIAPER."
X-O-X-O, BORIS.
YEAH, SOUNDS GOOD.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH HIM? SHOULD WE JUST LEAVE HIM HERE?
NO, DUMBASS WE SHOULD ROLL HIM BACK TO THE HOTEL
AND FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
GOD, SHAN, DO YOU JUST HAVE TO SMOKE ALL THE TIME?
YES, I DO.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SERIOUS DROUGHT, RIGHT?
YES.
I MEAN, DO YOU JUST WANT THE WHOLE PLACE TO GO UP IN FLAMES?
ACTUALLY, YEAH. THAT WOULD KIND OF SOLVE OUR PROBLEM, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
WE KNOW SOMEBODY WHO HAS A PLACE RIGHT AROUND HERE.
WE DO?
GERALD?
WHAT THE FUCK, MARTHA.
BE QUIET AND ADMIT IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
ALL RIGHT. AND YOU WERE SAYING THE BREED WAS A DANE?
GREAT DANE.
- A GREAT ONE? - YEAH, THAT'S WHY HE'S SO BIG.
OKAY. SO...
YOU DO REMEMBER?
COME ON, MAN. MY SISTER.
I'M SORRY.
- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? - HEY.
HEY.
THESE ARE OLD FRIENDS OF MINE, SHANNON AND MARTHA.
IS THIS THE SCOOTER GIRL?
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU TOLD ME ABOUT HER ON ONE OF OUR FIRST DATES.
WOW. YOU REALLY LISTEN TO ME.
I LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU TALK, BABY.
BUT YOU LOOK THE OTHER WAY. IT'S INCREDIBLE.
YEAH.
WHAT'S IN THE BIN?
REALLY HOPE IT'S A DEAD DOG BECAUSE WE COULD USE THE CASH.
SENSITIVITY, HONEY, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY. WE REALLY HOPE IT'S YOUR DEAD DOG. PLEASE?
THAT'S BORIS. HE JUST PASSED AWAY,
SO WE'RE HOPING TO GET HIM CREMATED.
GERALD WAS SAYING WE COULD HAVE THE FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY DISCOUNT.
I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE REASON WHY WE'RE STUCK HERE.
THIS, BULLSHIT FRIENDS AND FAMILY THING.
NOT EVERYONE IS YOUR FAMILY AND ALMOST NO ONE IS YOUR FRIEND.
CAN WE WALK AROUND THE CEMETERY AND DO THIS. IT'S JUST--
WE ALSO-- WE NEED TO GET THE BIN CREMATED TOO.
THERE ARE NO DISCOUNTS AND THE BIN IS EXTRA.
THAT'S FINE.
WE CAN PAY.
OKAY. HAND ME THE TAPE MEASURE.
FOR WHAT? WHY DO YOU NEED THE-- WHY DO NEED THE TAPE MEASURE?
- WE HAVE TO MEASURE FOR THE-- - WE ALREADY KNOW.
NO, WE MEASURED HIM.
IT'S THE AVERAGE SIZE OF A GREAT DANE.
IT'S FIVE FOOT, SOMETHING, SOMETHING.
JUST CHARGE US A GREAT DANE PRICE.
THE EXTRA, EXTRA LARGE. IT'S FINE.
- YOU GUYS CAN LEAVE. - YOU DON'T HAVE TO MEASURE HIM.
- I HAVE TO MEASURE HIM.
WHAT THE FUCK?
WE SAID DON'T MEASURE IT!
I'M SORRY. WE NEED TO CALL THE COPS.
WHAT FOR?
- I'M WITH RUBY. - SHUT UP.
WE OWN A BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT?
WE CAN LOSE EVERYTHING! THERE'S A HUMAN BODY IN HERE.
I UNDERSTAND THAT, OKAY? LISTEN.
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? - YES, I DO.
WELL, I'M THE BUSINESS PERSON HERE, OKAY?
WE AGREED-- WE AGREED ON THAT.
AND I SAY WE DON'T CALL THE COPS.
BECAUSE IF WE CALL THE COPS, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?
NOTHING'S GOING TO-- THEY'RE GOING TO GO JAIL
AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET ANYTHING.
NO REWARD.
I MEAN, YOU THINK THAT THE GUY
WHO FOUND THE SLAVE GIRLS IN OHIO?
- OHIO? - ARIEL CASTRO.
YEAH. DO YOU THINK THAT THAT GUY--
DID HE GET ANYTHING? BECAUSE HE DIDN'T.
NO. UH-UH.
HE GOT, LIKE, A HUG FROM A LITTLE WHITE GIRL
AND THEN HE GOT,
LIKE, AN EMBARRASSING INTERVIEW LIKE GOT AUTO-TUNED
AND, LIKE, PUT ALL OVER YOUTUBE.
THAT'S NOT WHAT WE WANT.
NO, NOT AT ALL.
WE'RE GOING TO BLACKMAIL THESE TWO BITCHES.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
WE WANT 25,000 TO GET OUT OF THIS BUTT CRACK
AND WE WANT IT BY SUNDAY.
WHAT?
THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN COME UP WITH 25K IN THREE DAYS.
WE'RE IN FRESNO.
- YEAH. - I'M PRETTY SURE YOU CAN.
YOU SEEM VERY RESOURCEFUL. SO THREE DAYS, 25,000.
- 25? - WE CAN GO TO DETROIT WITH THAT.
WE COULD DEFINITELY GO TO DETROIT.
WE COULD MOVE THERE AND WE SET UP SHOP AND--
AND GUESS WHAT, YOU GET A CREMATION OUT OF IT.
YOU KNOW HOW GOOD WE ARE AT CREMATION?
WE'RE REALLY GOOD AT THEM.
A FUNERAL SERVICE LIKE YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T GET THE MONEY THEN
YOU'RE GOING TO BE CHARGED FOR MANSLAUGHTER, SO THERE'S THAT.
WHAT ABOUT A PAYMENT PLAN?
NOBODY EVEN HAS THAT.
LAYAWAY?
CAN I GIVE YOU A LITTLE BIT ADVICE AS FAR AS BODIES GO?
THAT GUY IS GOING TO ROT IF YOU DON'T GET HIM ON ICE.
THAT'S ALL. IT JUST HAPPENS.
IT'S BIOLOGY.
WHAT A STUPID ASS IDEA.
GERALD.
COME ON, HE BURNS THINGS FOR A LIVING, OKAY?
FOR $25,000! AND THEY'LL PROBABLY STILL TURN US IN.
THEY'RE NOT TURNING US IN.
SHE SAID SHE WANTS OUT OF FRESNO.
THE ONLY WAY TO GET 25K IS DEALING DRUGS OR PROSTITUTION.
I JUST PAID THOUSANDS TO PUT YOU IN REHAB
AND I DOUBLE MORTGAGED MY HOUSE.
YOU'RE NOT BECOMING A PROSTITUTE.
I'M NOT HAVING SEX. I'LL BE YOUR PIMP.
I'M NOT TOUCHING SWEATY BALLS!
THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS SWEATY.
JUST PRETEND THEY'RE TINY LITTLE BOOBS.
OKAY FINE. WHAT ABOUT THIS?
WHAT IF WE PULL THE FIRE ALARM IN THE HOTEL
AND STEAL IT FROM THE FRONT DESK?
I WON'T JEOPARDIZE MY JOB.
LISTEN! IF WE DON'T GET RID OF THIS BODY
THAT WE'RE GOING TO GO TO JAIL
AND YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB, RIGHT?
YEAH, WELL, THANKS. THANKS TO YOUR SMOKING,
I FOR SURE LOST MY V.I.P. PARKING SPOT.
OKAY.
THIS IS GOOD. PEOPLE ONLY PAY IN CASH AT SEX SHOPS.
LET'S ROB IT. MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
IT'S GOOD.
I CAN BARELY SEE.
D.I.Y. TOILET PAPER, IT'S GENIUS.
I KNOW THIS PLACE AND THE WORKERS ARE ALWAYS HIGH.
IT'S EASY MONEY. COME ON.
THIS IS STUPID, SHAN, WE LOOK RIDICULOUS.
DOES ANYBODY WORK HERE?
YEAH, SORRY SMOKE BREAK.
OH, I LIKE THE T.P. ON YOUR HEAD.
IT'S ALL RAPEY AND SEXY.
I AM VERY INTO SCAT.
I NEED YOU TO COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW
AND OPEN THIS CASH REGISTER AND I NEED ALL THE CASH, NOW.
YEAH, GET OVER HERE.
WHO KNEW SEX SHOPS WERE SUCH A CASH POOR BUSINESS.
THESE DILDOS HAVE GOT TO BE WORTH SOMETHING.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ONLY MADE $400.
IT'S FAIR TO SAY WE OVERESTIMATED THE MARKET.
THAT'S A FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT.
LESBIANS ARE POOR.
THEY ALWAYS ARE AND THEY ALWAYS WILL BE.
SHAN, DON'T BE HOMOPHOBIC RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
I ONLY TELL THE TRUTH.
WELL HERE'S THE TRUTH.
WHOSE GREAT IDEA WAS IT TO ROB A SEX SHOP, OKAY?
IT'S WASN'T MINE. THAT WAS YOURS.
LET ME REMIND YOU. THAT WAS MY SECOND IDEA.
MY FIRST WAS TO ROB HOTEL ROOMS,
BUT SOMEBODY WAS TOO SCARED OF GETTING IN TROUBLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THESE DILDOS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS?
OH, THAT'S A REALLY NICE THING TO SAY
TO A RECOVERING SEX ADDICT.
COULD YOU NOT BE SO ANNOYING RIGHT NOW--
YOU STOP BEING SO ANNOYING!
STOP IT! STOP.
YOU WANT TO GET TITTY FUCKED?
I'LL TITTY FUCK YOU!
- TITTY FUCK THIS! - NO! OKAY! YOU'RE GOING DOWN.
- OH, MY GOD. OW! - YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OFF ME!
- NO, IT'S MY TURN TO HURT YOU. - WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
WE WOULDN'T BE HERE IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU.
OH, SURE. BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.
BLAME ME FOR MOM DYING OF CANCER AND DAD
DRINKING HIMSELF TO DEATH. OW!
I ALREADY DO!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WE STILL HAVE A ROTTING CORPSE TO DEAL WITH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST TURN ME IN BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE.
FUCK!
GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY THANK YOU?
MOST PEOPLE WOULD.
FROM WHAT YOUR SISTER SAYS, YOU'RE NOT MOST PEOPLE.
WELL, MARTHA NEEDS TO LEARN HER FUCKING MOUTH SHUT.
WHOA! WHOA!
LANGUAGE.
LOOK, I KNOW IT CAN BE DIFFICULT,
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOUR SISTER'S PULLING FOR YOU.
SHE'S A GOOD PERSON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
SHE HELPED ME QUIT SMOKING WEED.
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE SHE WAS VERY HELPFUL.
I USED TO SMOKE WEED LIKE ALL THE TIME.
I NEVER GET ANY WRITING DONE.
NOW I JUST SMOKE BEFORE AND AFTER WORK,
AND I GET STUFF DONE.
IN REHAB WE HAD MORE OF AN ALL-OR-NOTHING APPROACH
WITH A LITTLE BIT OF HIGHER POWERS
SURRENDER YOURSELF BULLSHIT PEPPERED IN.
DOES IT WORK?
IT SEEMS TO IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
SO WHAT DO YOU WRITE?
UH...I WRITE POETRY.
REALLY?
SO YOU'RE ALL DEEP AND SHIT?
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE.
WELL, LET'S HEAR ONE.
FRESNO.
I DON'T LIKE IT ALREADY.
FRESNO.
LORD, WHY IS IT SO HOT?
DID YOU MEAN FOR IT TO BE THIS HOT?
OR DID YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE IN A HURRY AND FRESNO
WAS THE OVEN YOU FORGET TO TURN OFF?
FRESNO.
YES, THAT SMELL IS DEAD ANIMAL.
DO YOU LIKE IT?
FRESNO.
WHERE IS STUFF, LIKE, ANYTHING?
FRESNO, WHERE THE BEST JOB I COULD GET IS THE WORSE JOB
I'VE EVER HAD.
NO, HOTEL GUEST, I CANNOT TELL YOU WHERE ANYTHING IS.
IF KNEW WHERE ANYTHING ELSE WAS, I'D BE THERE.
FRESNO.
COME ON!
COME ON, MARTHA. MY DEAD GRANDMA COULD KICK HARDER THAN YOU.
THERE WE GO!
COME ON!
SO, LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS,
SO ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
THAT'S PLAGIARISM.
I LITERALLY WROTE THAT.
WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
- I THINK SO. - THAT'S SO LAME.
THAT'S PARTIALLY.
I THINK YOU DON'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT PROSE
TO REALLY GIVE ME AN ACCURATE CRITIQUE.
I KNOW ABOUT PROS. I KNOW ABOUT PRO BASEBALL PLAYERS.
I KNOW ABOUT PRO BASKETBALL PLAYERS. I KNOW ABOUT--
I'M OFF WORK, LIKE NOW.
DO YOU WANT TO GO DO SOMETHING?
I DO.
OKAY, EVERYONE IN A CIRCLE.
YES. FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER!
KRAV MAGA. WE HAVE ONE RULE, ONE RULE ONLY.
NEVER STOP FIGHTING!
- HIYAH. - HIYAH.
THANK YOU. BRYAN EMAIL ME, WEDNESDAY ABOUT PRIVATES.
WE'LL WORK IT OUT.
- OKAY. - COOL.
HOW LONG HAS ALICIA BEEN WITH THAT DUDE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T REALLY TALK TO THEM.
YOU WERE AT THAT SOFTBALL THING.
OH YEAH. OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO INTERRUPT.
YOU THERE WITH YOUR DATE.
YEAH. TANYA IS JUST A FRIEND.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
- YUP. - HE'S THE WORST.
TOMORROW? WHAT'S TOMORROW?
OH, MY GOD, PLEASE TELL ME
YOU ARE GOING TO NOAH'S BAR MITZVAH TOMORROW NIGHT?
I ACTUALLY WASN'T EVEN INVITED.
WELL, LUCKY YOU.
NOAH'S PARENTS PAY FOR PRIVATES SO I HAVE TO GO.
AND YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME.
LIKE AS YOUR FAKE DATE?
NO, AS A REAL DATE.
IS THAT A YES?
WHOA! WHOA.
- WHAT? - LET'S-- DO YOU WANT TO--
- LET'S-- - LET'S GO TO THE DESK.
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.
CAN WE JUST SLOW DOWN A LITTLE BIT.
- WHAT? - PLEASE, CAN WE JUST SLOW DOWN?
ARE YOU... WHAT, TELL ME YOU'RE NOT GAY?
NO. I MEAN, NO. I MEAN, NO.
LET'S TALK. JUST TALK, OKAY?
OH GOD, YOU ARE GAY.
NO. MY GOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M TELLING YOU THIS,
BUT-- JESUS...
I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH ANYONE
SINCE ME AND GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.
SERIOUSLY?
YEAH.
DO YOU, LIKE, NOT LIKE CONDOMS OR SOMETHING?
NO.
DO YOU WANT A DRINK? I'M GOING TO HAVE--
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT THE FUCK!
OH, MY GOD. MARTHA, WOULD BE SO PISSED.
DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO REHAB?
I'M A SEX ADDICT, NOT AN ALCOHOLIC, ASSHOLE.
- REALLY? - YEAH, REALLY.
I DON'T-- THAT'S A THING?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS MADE UP BY TIGER WOODS OR SOMETHING.
DON'T BE A DUMBASS.
OKAY. WELL--
WAIT, JUST WAIT.
THE THINGS IS THAT'S I'M REALLY TRYING TO MANAGE MY ADDICTION,
JUST LIKE YOU ARE,
SO WILL YOU JUST TOUCH MY BOOB JUST FOR ONE MINUTE, PLEASE?
I DON'T-- I JUST FEEL LIKE MAYBE--
WHAT THE FUCK?
WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO WATCH A MOVIE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BROUGHT HIM IN HERE, SHANNON.
HE DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
YEAH, HE'S A GOOD GUY. HE DESERVES BETTER.
NO OFFENSE.
GO TO SLEEP.
I CAN'T SLEEP.
KELLY INVITED ME TO A BAR MITZVAH TOMORROW NIGHT
AND IT'S FREAKING ME OUT.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT CHICKS INSTEAD
OF OUR SHIT ASS PREDICAMENT.
THE BAR MITZVAH IS IN THIS HOTEL TOMORROW NIGHT.
SO?
SO KIDS MAKE A LOT OF MONEY AT THESE THINGS, SHANNON.
THAT'S GENIUS.
YEAH, IT IS.
YOU WANT TO JACK THE BAR MITZVAH?
WHAT DO WE DO?
OKAY, LOOK.
I'LL JUST GO WITH KELLY AND THEN YOU CAN CRASH IT.
NO. I CAN'T GO ALONE.
I'LL BRING ERIC.
OKAY. YOU CAN'T TELL HIM ANYTHING.
I'LL GET HIM TO HELP US. I WON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING.
I'LL JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP.
I KNOW HE'LL DO IT. HE'S SO INTO ME.
JUST GO TO BED.
JERRY, I HAVE SOME GUESTS LOCKED OUT OF ROOM 402
AND I'M GETTING NO RESPONSE FROM HOUSEKEEPING.
OH, SHIT. OH, SHIT.
SHAN, WAKE UP. SHAN.
- PLEASE, STOP IT. - SHAN. SHAN, IT'S JERRY.
- WHAT IS IT? - OH GOD, THIS REALLY SUCKS.
- SHIT. - OKAY, OKAY.
OKAY, LISTEN.
I'LL DEAL WITH JERRY.
YOU GO HOME AND GET THE STUFF, OKAY?
OKAY.
YOU GOT TO GET THE DRESSES FOR THE BAR MITZVAH.
WHAT ABOUT THE DEAD GUY?
JUST MAKE SURE YOU KEEP FRESH ICE ON HIM, OKAY?
OKAY.
OKAY. COME ON.
- WAKE UP. - DON'T DO THAT.
IT'S A BIG DAY, SHAN.
I KNOW. I'M SO NERVOUS.
HELLO?
IT'S ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M WORKING. - OKAY.
WELL, MARTHA'S NOT HERE AND HOME ALONE
SO CAN YOU COME OVER AND FUCK ME?
SO, NOW THAT LIKE I'VE TOLD TOTALLY FUCKED UP MY MARRIAGE,
NOW YOU WANT BACK IN?
NO, NO, NO, NO. I JUST-- NO. NO. I--
OR ARE YOU JUST FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE NOW?
NO, NO BABY. THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL.
I'M JUST-- I'M ALONE NOW AND THIS IS A PERFECT TIME.
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.
DO WHAT?
COME GROVELING BACK AS SOON AS YOU'RE SEEING SOMEBODY NEW.
BABY, LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN RIGHT NOW. I DON'T WANT--
YOU NEED TO START FACING YOUR FEARS AND YOUR FEELINGS.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO KEEP HURTING YOURSELF
AND EVERYBODY AROUND YOU.
WELL, THAT'S THE LONG WAY TO SAY NO.
SHAN, I HAVE TO GO.
OW! - IT'S GOING TO LOOK GOOD.
I'M GOING TO GET IT NICE AND STRAIGHT.
OW!
STOP YELLING.
IT DOESN'T HURT.
SORRY, I GUESS I'M JUST NERVOUS.
ABOUT THE BAR MITZVAH?
ERIC'S GOING TO HELP US.
THINK YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
I'M NOT GOOD WITH EMOTIONS.
AS SOON AS I START TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE,
I JUST-- I FEEL CROWDED
AND I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM ANYMORE.
HOW MANY GUYS YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN WITH?
- I DON'T KNOW. - LIKE A BALL PARK.
LIKE A HUNDRED?
100 DICKS?
STUPID THING IS MOST OF THE TIME I DON'T EVEN LIKE THE SEX.
THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT?
I DON'T KNOW. LIKE THE PAIN OF DOING IT
IS NOT AS BAD AS THE EMPTINESS OF NOT DOING IT.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
MARTHA.
YEAH.
I WAS A 100% WRONG ABOUT YOUR HAIR.
- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? - IT'S NOT GOOD.
DO COUSIN IT.
NO, SHAN, I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.
- YES, YOU ARE. - SHANNON, I'M NOT DOING IT.
DO I LOOK PRETTY FOR THE BAR MITZVAH PARTY?
HEY, IF TONIGHT DOESN'T GO TOO LATE MAYBE YOU COULD
COME OVER AND, I DON'T KNOW,
WATCH "NAKED AND AFRAID" WITH ME OR--
YEAH, MAYBE. WE'LL SEE HOW IT GOES.
HEY, LADIES, IT'S DOPEY KING.
YEAH, OF COURSE.
GOT YOU SOMETHING, SIR.
OH, THANKS. THAT'S SWEET.
I'LL PUT IT IN MY MONEY BOX OVER THERE.
IT'S CASH ONLY.
YEAH, WE HEARD.
YEAH. IT'S ACTUALLY COUPONS FOR FREE PRIVATES.
PRIVATES? YOU HITTING ON ME BOO?
I'M A MAN NOW, SO IT'S COPASETIC.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. TAKE IT EASY, NOT IN FRONT OF MY DATE.
DON'T TALK TO KELLY LIKE THAT.
IT'S REALLY RUDE, NOAH.
DO YOU THINK YOU GUYS CAN MAKE OUT ON MY NEXT MUSIC VIDEO?
GOOGLE GLORIA STEINEM AND THEN ASK US.
SO HOW LONG WILL THESE THINGS LAST?
ABOUT AS LONG AS A WEDDING RECEPTION, YOU KNOW.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW LONG THAT IS
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A WEDDING.
REALLY?
I WENT TO ONE, BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT BECAUSE WE ELOPED.
YOU'RE MARRIED?
YEAH. WHAT?
I CAN BE MARRIED.
I TOTALLY GOT MARRIED.
AND NINE DAYS LATER I CHEATED ON HIM AND WE GOT DIVORCED.
SUPER ROMANTIC LIKE I SAID, LIKE A FAIRYTALE ACTUALLY.
I'D READ IT COVER TO COVER.
I'M THINKING OF PITCHING IT AS A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
- OH, YOU SHOULD. - OR Y.A.
THAT'S PROBABLY THE BETTER CHOICE.
YEAH.
Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?
I'M 13 NOW.
WHOO!
I WANT TO THANK MY DAD,
I WANT TO THANK MY MOM, AND I WANT TO THANK MY BUBBY.
OKAY, LET'S DO THIS.
COME ON BOYS. CASH MONEY TOUR.
THAT'S IT, NOAH.
WELCOME TO MY MITZVAH!
THAT IS ENOUGH.
THAT IS ENOUGH. HEY.
- QUITE ENOUGH! - I WAS IN THE DANCE, NOAH!
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR?
LET'S DANCE TO SOME APPROPRIATE MUSIC.
YOU'RE SHAMING YOURSELF.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO BE BRUNO MARS. GET OVER HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, NOW WE GOTTA DANCE.
I DON'T DANCE.
I THINK WE DO. IT'S A PART OF THE DEAL.
- I DON'T DANCE. - COME ON.
I'VE NEVER, NEVER--
ALL RIGHT. BRING IT IN. BRING IT IN.
YOU HAVE A REALLY CUTE ASS.
IT'S DISTRACTING.
STOP. IT'S A BAR MITZVAH. THERE'S KIDS AROUND.
I'M SERIOUS. IT'S DISTRACTING.
MY ASS?
- YES. - OH, SURE.
IT'S 'CAUSE YOU WORK ME OUT SO GOOD.
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A BREATHER.
- OKAY. - GET A DRINK OR SOMETHING?
I'M GOING TO USE THE LADIES ROOM. DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
UH-UH.
I, LIKE, REALLY LIKE YOU.
AND SINCE YOU WON'T TELL ME
WHY YOU'RE BEING BLACKMAILED I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR
I GET TO DO THIS.
EXCUSE ME. IT'S TIME TO STRAP ON THE FEEDBAGS.
DINNER WILL BE IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES
IF OUR VERY EXPENSIVE CATERING COMPANY WOULD JUST DO THEIR JOB.
GOOD LUCK.
OKAY, ALRIGHT. READY?
- YEAH, YEAH. - OKAY.
SO?
SO, YOU GUYS LOOK PRETTY CUTE TOGETHER.
YESTERDAY, YOU WERE PISSED BECAUSE I WAS ALONE WITH HIM
AND NOW YOU WANT US TO GET MARRIED.
NO, SHAN, THIS IS DIFFERENT.
HE REALLY LIKES YOU. I CAN TELL.
I KNOW. I THINK I SHOULD JUST FUCK HIM AND GET IT OVER WITH.
WILL YOU NOT SAY THAT KIND OF SHIT ALL THE TIME?
OKAY. ERIC'S IN POSITION.
OKAY, GOT IT.
ARE YOU OKAY THERE?
AHH!
A WOMAN IS CHOKING HERE!
- OH MY GOD! - SOMEONE HELP HER, PLEASE!
IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?
I'M A DOCTOR!
I GOT IT.
EVERYBODY BACK, NOAH.
SON, TELL ME ABOUT
NO, IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING.
JUST COUGH IT UP, COUGH IT UP.
OKAY.
- I GOT IT. - JUST COUGH IT UP. COUGH IT UP.
DO YOU SEE ANYTHING?
- NO. - HEAVE, HO.
EWW, THESE ARE NEW SHOES.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? IS IT ALL OUT?
- UH-HUH. - OKAY, OH...
- THANK YOU. - OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
UH-OH. UH-OH.
- GO. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I THINK IT'S A SEIZURE.
EVERYONE GET BACK, GET BACK.
NOBODY PANIC, NOBODY PANIC.
SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE. WATCH HER ARMS.
SHE'S SLAPPING--
GIVE HER SOME AIR! JUST STEP BACK!
COME ON, DAD!
NOAH, DIRECT THE TRAFFIC.
DO SOMETHING, NOAH! JUST--
CALM DOWN.
IT WILL STOP. JUST LET HER BE CALM.
WHOA, WHOA. NO, JUST CALM DOWN.
DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
LET HER BE CALM.
WHOA! WHOA! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. JUST VOMIT.
OKAY, EVERYBODY BACK. CALM DOWN.
OH, PEANUT.
THAT IS REALLY A BAD THING THESE DAYS.
THERE'S PEANUTS IN EVERYTHING.
ALL RIGHT.
GIVE IT UP FOR THIS GUY. THIS GUY IS A HERO.
HERO! HERO!
- THANK YOU. - HERO! HERO!
- THAT WAS CRAZY. - YEAH, IT WAS PRETTY CRAZY.
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I THINK I AM. IT WAS JUST A SEIZURE, I GUESS.
OKAY. I THINK WE SHOULD JUST GO BACK TO MY PLACE
SO I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
OH GOSH. I DON'T KNOW, KELLY.
I THINK I SHOULD PROBABLY JUST GO HOME ALONE
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I NEARLY JUST DIED KIND OF SO.
OKAY. WHAT IS IT?
DO YOU NOT LIKE HANGING OUT WITH ME OR SOMETHING?
NO, IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S, LIKE, SHANNON--
MY SISTER IS-- AT MY HOUSE SO I HAVE TO BE THERE.
OKAY. YOU HAVE TO STOP USING YOUR ADULT SISTER
AS AN EXCUSE FOR BLOWING ME OFF.
I'M NOT BLOWING YOU OFF.
I DON'T WANT YOU THINK I'M BLOWING YOU OFF.
WELL, I'M AVAILABLE,
LIKE, TOTALLY AVAILABLE.
AND I'M GAY AND I'M VERY ATTRACTED TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED THAT.
I LIKE YOU A LOT.
AND I'M COOL AS SHIT, SO I DON'T SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
AM I LIKE, WHAT? AM I COMING ON TOO STRONG?
AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY GAMES AND PRETEND
LIKE I DON'T LIKE YOU AND BE MEAN TO YOU?
IS THAT WHAT ALICIA DOES?
SHOULD I BE LIKE ALICIA AND FLIRT WITH OTHER GUYS IN THE GYM
TO, LIKE, MAKE YOU ATTRACTED TO ME?
I'M NOT A GAME PLAYER OKAY.
I'M OVER THAT SHIT.
I'M A GROWN ASS WOMAN
AND I FUCKING LIKE YOU SO LET'S DO THIS.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I DON'T KNOW, KELLY.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WAIT, WAIT, KELLY!
HEY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU SHOULD SIGNED UP FOR SPINNING
BECAUSE MY CLASS HAS A NO ASSHOLE POLICY NOW, SO.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
NOTHING, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WAS HERE SO I'M JUST GOING TO GO
AND YOU CAN CONTINUE YOU'RE BLUBBERING.
- JUST PRETEND I AM NOT HERE. - YOU'RE SO INSENSITIVE.
ARE YOU EVEN A WOMAN?
HEY, I'M SORRY, OKAY?
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
OKAY FINE. I'M NOT!
I SAW AN "OPRAH" ON THIS. YOU'RE A SOCIOPATH.
HEY WAIT-- NOW LISTEN I AM NOT SOCIOPATH, OKAY?
I FEEL STUFF.
I EMPATHIZE AND I SYMPATHIZE WHICH MEANS
THAT I'M NOT A SOCIOPATH!
OKAY, WELL, IF THAT'S TRUE
THEN WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME WHY I'M CRYING?
ALL RIGHT, I CAN DO IT.
WHAT'S WRONG?
OKAY, WELL WHEN I CONFRONTED SCOTT ABOUT YOU--
WHO'S SCOTT?
MY HUSBAND, THE ONE THAT YOU BLEW.
OH, YES, OKAY. AND SCOTT YOU TALKED TO HIM ABOUT...
YEAH, HE DIDN'T DENY IT.
HE ADMITTED IT WAS TRUE.
OKAY.
AND THEN I ASKED HIM IF IT WAS GOOD.
AND I COULD TELL THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING
BUT I FORCED IT OUT OF HIM
AND HE SAID THAT IT WAS THE BEST BLOWJOB OF HIS LIFE.
AND NOW WE JUST CAN'T STOP FIGHTING
AND I CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM
AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO
BECAUSE I JUST-- I CAN NEVER-- I CAN NEVER DO THAT!
YEAH, OKAY, YOU CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS.
WE'LL USE THIS.
I'M GOING TO TEACH HOW TO GIVE THE BEST BLOWJOB OF YOUR LIFE.
OKAY, BUT HOLD ON, CAN WE USE THIS?
DOESN'T SURPRISE ME PHIL TOOK THE CASH.
HE WAS IN BUCHENWALD.
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET FREAKY WHEN THERE'S A HOLOCAUST.
IT WAS A GOOD RUN!
"SUCKY, SUCKY MY BIG FAT COCK!"
SORRY, HONEY.
SO, WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY DO?
I JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND THEN--
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE EATING A CORN COB.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO FEEL GOOD TO ANYONE.
- OKAY. - OKAY.
ALL RIGHT SO WHAT KIND OF PORN DO YOU GUYS WATCH TOGETHER?
NO PORN, NONE.
WATCH A PORN ONCE IN A WHILE BY YOURSELF
AND WATCH HOW THE CHICKS DO IT.
AREN'T MOST OF THOSE WOMEN SLAVES?
NO, THEY'RE FINE.
OH, I THOUGHT I SAW A "DATELINE" ABOUT THAT THEY WERE SLAVES.
NO.
NO, THEY PUT THEM IN A BOX AND SHIP THEM OVER--
NO, THAT'S-- NO THOSE ARE THE MANICURISTS.
OKAY.
NO, THOSE AREN'T THE PORN STARS.
- THEY'RE NOT SLAVES. - OKAY.
- OKAY, SO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO-- - YEAH.
IS YOU WANT TO PRETEND,
LIKE, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD IN THE WORLD?
YOPLAIT YOGURT, CHEESE CAKE FLAVOR.
OKAY. SO I WANT YOU TO PRETEND LIKE THIS IS FILLED
WITH CHEESE CAKE FLAVORED YOPLAIT YOGURT.
OKAY.
AND IF YOU SUCK IT HARD ENOUGH--
YEAH.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT ALL OUT.
- OKAY! - OKAY?
SO NOW IN ORDER TO GET OUT THE YOGURT YOU HAVE TO SQUEEZE IT.
OKAY.
AND YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THE TIP.
OKAY.
NOW YOU'RE GOING TO BRING YOUR HANDS UP TO MEET YOUR MOUTH.
- AS YOUR MOUTH GOES DOWN-- - OKAY.
YOUR HAND GOES UP.
AND IT'S LIKE THAT AND IT'S-- SO THEY'RE GOING TO--
- MOUTH BENEATH THE HAND. - YES!
MOUTH BENEATH THE HAND.
- YEAH! YOU'RE GOING TO GET-- - MOUTH--
NOW RIGHT BEFORE YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR HAND UP TO THE TOP,
HOLD IT REALLY TIGHT, SPIT IN YOUR PALM,
RUB IT AROUND THE TOP, POINT IT AWAY,
SHOOTS OUT INTO THE STARS, OKAY?
- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT THIS. NOW GO, GO, GO, GO!
GOT SOME TECHNIQUE!
- YEAH, THAT'S IT. - THANK YOU!
OKAY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S ONLY 12,000?
COME ON, COME ON. IT'S A LOT OF MONEY,
IT'S LIKE-- THAT'S LIKE SIX DIGITS.
I SAID I WANTED 25,000.
WELL YOU CAN GET A HOUSE IN DETROIT FOR, LIKE, $800.
I DIDN'T WANT A HOUSE!
I WANTED A BUILDING.
COME ON, RUBY, PLEASE?
BUT IT'S CASH.
I MEAN IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.
IT'S A GOOD START, GET EVERYTHING ROLLING, YOU KNOW?
IT'S A GREAT START.
I'LL SELL THE THUNDERBIRD.
- YOU'LL SELL THE THUNDERBIRD? - I PROMISE! I DON'T NEED IT.
SUPER COOL.
OKAY.
WE'LL TURN THE OVEN ON.
IT WAS REALLY SWEET OF YOU TO COME.
OF COURSE!
YOU COULD'VE JUST TOLD ME
YOU'RE BEING BLACKMAILED FOR KILLING SOME GUY'S DOG.
I FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. I STILL DO.
THIS IS MY LAST DOG!
SUCK MY DICK, FRESNO!
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT CHICK?
OH, SHE'S MOVING TO DETROIT.
OKAY. UM...
LET'S ALL BOW OUR HEADS AND HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE.
BORIS, OH PRECIOUS BORIS.
HE WAS A CHAMPION BUT HE WAS ALSO A DIRTY DOG.
OH, GOD, PLEASE WATCH OVER HIM AND TAKE HIM TO A BETTER PLACE.
EVERYONE DESERVES THEIR DIGNITY.
WE'VE ALL DONE THINGS WE'RE NOT PROUD OF.
THE LAST TIME I WAS AT A CEMETERY
WAS FOR MY FATHER'S FUNERAL.
IT WAS NOT AN EASY TIME FOR ANY OF US
BUT ESPECIALLY NOT FOR MY SISTER SHANNON BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T SHOW.
I KNOW SHE WANTED TO BE THERE
BUT SHE COULDN'T BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FEEL GOOD.
I DON'T BLAME HER.
IT'S JUST-- SOMETIMES IT'S HARD FOR ME
TO DO EVERYTHING ON MY OWN,
SO I GUESS I'M JUST REALLY GRATEFUL
THAT WE MADE IT THROUGH THIS TIME TOGETHER.
YEAH.
HI, MARTHA.
MARTHA! MARTHA!
WE SLEPT TOGETHER BEFORE
SO THERE'S LIKE A GRANDFATHER CLAUSE SITUATION,
THEY STILL BUILD THESE. ISN'T THAT CRAZY?
LITTLE SHEDS?
MARTHA! MARTHA, STOP RUNNING!
MARTHA, COME ON!
WAIT, I'M SORRY!
SORRY, YOU'RE NOT SORRY, SHAN!
IT'S NOT MY FAULT!
IT'S MY DISEASE! I CAN'T HELP IT!
OF COURSE, RIGHT. YOU NEVER MEAN TO DO ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST LIKE DAD.
JUST BLAME EVERYONE ELSE.
IT'S NEVER YOU, RIGHT?
WELL, I AM SO TIRED OF TRYING TO HELP YOU.
MARTHA!
YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE!
DON'T COME BACK TO MY PLACE!
I'M DONE!
IT'S HARD LETTING GO, ISN'T IT?
IF ONLY POP TART COULD'VE SPOKEN UP
AND TOLD ME WHAT WAS BOTHERING HER.
BUT TURTLES CAN'T LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING, CAN THEY?
ROBOTS CAN'T EITHER.
BACK SO SOON?
STAYING FOR A WHILE THIS TIME.
YOU HIT THE LOTTO?
THIS IS LEFT OVER FROM BAR MITZVAH MONEY.
GOOD LUCK.
MY MOM DIED OF CANCER THEN MY DAD DIED OF ALCOHOL,
AND MY LITTLE SISTER HAD NO ONE TO HELP HER.
AND INSTEAD OF HELPING HER I JUST BLEW OFF MY DAD'S FUNERAL.
AND A FEW MONTHS AGO I DID SOME REALLY HORRIBLE SHIT
WHICH IS WHY I'M HERE, AND MY SISTER BAILED ME OUT AGAIN.
AND SO DID THIS-- THIS GUY
THAT I MET WHO'S REALLY NICE, AND I REALLY LIKED HIM.
INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH MY FEELINGS
LIKE A MATURE ADULT, GROWN UP PERSON,
I FUCKED A RANDOM DUDE.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO LET ANYONE DOWN ANYMORE.
I DON'T WANT TO LET MYSELF DOWN ANYMORE
AND I WANT THIS PART OF MY LIFE--
THIS WHOLE CHUNK TO BE OVER.
AND THAT'S WHY I'M HERE BECAUSE I NEED HELP.
I'M JUST FUCKING TIRED OF FUCKING.
FUCK!
SORRY, IT WASN'T MY TURN, I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW WHO WOULD'VE LOVED THAT?
OPRAH.
I HAVE PAYCHECKS!
THIS ONE IS FOR MARTHA.
THAT'S YOU?
AND THIS IS FOR SHANNON, YOUR BIG SISTER.
SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO PICK HERS UP. SHE QUIT.
AND WE'RE NOT TALKING ANYMORE.
WHY NOT?
LET'S SEE.
SHE'S A LIAR, SHE'S SELFISH,
SHE'S UNGRATEFUL, AND SHE CAN'T GET HER LIFE TOGETHER.
IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY SAD.
MY SISTER SUCKS.
WHY DOES SHE SUCK?
WERE YOU NOT LISTENING, JERRY? I JUST TOLD YOU THE WHOLE THING.
SHE'S A PAIN IN THE ASS!
WHY?
BECAUSE SHE JUST DOES WHATEVER THE HELL SHE WANTS,
AND SHE DOESN'T CARE WHO SHE HURTS ALONG THE WAY.
I MEAN, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD FOR HER.
I GOT HER THIS JOB, LET HER STAY AT MY PLACE,
AND IT'S LIKE SHE JUST DIDN'T EVEN WANT ANY OF IT.
WELL, IF SHE DIDN'T WANT HELP, WHY DID YOU HELP HER?
I DON'T KNOW.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED HELP.
UH... I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.
YOU WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT YOUR SISTER AND NOT YOURSELF.
MY LIFE IS PRETTY SWEET.
IT'S NOT SWEET.
YOU LIVE ALL ALONE. AND YOU'RE A MAID IN FRESNO.
YOU'RE A MAID TOO, YOU KNOW.
YES, BUT I'M BETTER THAN A MAID.
EXECUTIVE MAID!
AND I HAVE SEXY GIRLFRIEND.
YEAH, CAN YOU JUST, LIKE, PUT THEM BACK RIGHT AWAY.
'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS GETTING TANGLED UP.
KELLY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIDE FROM ME.
HEY, ALICIA IS WORKING OUT AT PRESTOWN CROSSFIT
SO YOU SHOULD GO SIGN UP THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY "HI" TO ALICIA
I WANT TO SAY "HI" TO YOU, KELLY.
HI.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU, OKAY?
I'M SORRY.
I WASN'T MYSELF.
YEAH, JUST A LOT OF WEIRD STUFF WAS GOING ON IN MY LIFE.
YOU SAY YOUR SISTER OR YOUR EX ONE MORE TIME
I WILL LITERALLY VOMIT, RIGHT NOW.
WELL, I WON'T.
OKAY? BECAUSE NEITHER OF THEM ARE IN MY LIFE ANYMORE.
I MEAN IT'S GOOD!
LIKE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE
I'M DOING STUFF JUST FOR MYSELF.
LIKE, I GOT A PEDICURE YESTERDAY
AND I TOOK A BUBBLE BATH, YOU KNOW?
WOW, YOU TOOK A BATH.
YEAH.
AND NOW I'M DOING THIS OTHER THING I REALLY WANTED TO DO,
TALKING TO A GIRL WHO I THINK IS PRETTY COOL.
I REALLY LIKED YOU.
I STILL LIKE YOU.
OKAY.
BUT IF YOUR SISTER AND YOUR EX ARE,
LIKE, TOTALLY OUT OF THE PICTURE FOR REAL THEN
WHAT ARE YOU POSSIBLY GOING TO USE AS AN EXCUSE
NOT TO GO OUT WITH ME TONIGHT?
TONIGHT.
NOTHING.
NEWSFLASH-- I'M AVAILABLE.
- REALLY? - BIG TIME.
YO, YO, YO! GURU!
DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG PERSON.
NO, NO. YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME?
MY PARENTS HAD A HOUSE THAT SMELLED LIKE DIRTY DIAPERS?
DOES THAT RING A BELL?
- NO. - YOU REMEMBER THIS PRETTY FACE?
YEAH, HI!
YOU GOT ANYMORE AWESOME WORDS OF WISDOM FOR ME?
OH, I DON'T.
I'M KIND OF OUT OF THE GURU BUSINESS.
WHAT?
I'M WORKING AT FOSTER FARMS NOW.
OH WELL THAT'S GOOD FOR FOSTER FARMS BUT BAD FOR GURUS.
YOU WERE SO GOOD AT THAT!
I GOT TO TELL YOU MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED
BECAUSE OF THE STUFF YOU TOLD ME.
REALLY, HOW?
I SOLD THE VAN.
I'M PAWNED BORIS' BRONZE MEDAL.
I SOLD MY PARENTS' HOUSE FOR A SHITLOAD OF MONEY.
I FIGURED THEY'D BE BETTER OFF ROTTING
IN THE NURSING HOME, YOU KNOW.
GOT A REAL GOOD PRICE ON A NURSING HOME,
ONE OF THE CHEAPEST ONES.
AND THAT WAS REALLY ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, I HAVE TO BE HONEST.
AND I'M GETTING A CHIN IMPLANT.
I NEVER SAID ANY OF THAT STUFF.
LISTEN, GURU, I FELT YOUR VIBE AND I RAN WITH IT.
IF YOU EVER SEE BORIS YOU TELL HIM
WE'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT EACH OTHER, OKAY?
SIBLINGS CAN REALLY SINK EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW?
TELL HIM I SAID THAT, OKAY?
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! NAMASTE!
911, WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?
IT'S NOT REALLY AN EMERGENCY.
I KILLED A GUY, SO SOMEONE SHOULD PROBABLY COME AND GET ME.
PLEASE HOLD.
NOW, I'LL CONNECT YOU TO THE FRESNO POLICE.
PLEASE STATE YOUR PRESENT LOCATION,
PARAMEDICS HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED.
NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEND THE PARAMEDICS.
IT WAS A LITTLE WHILE AGO.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT,
I'M SURE EVERYONE SAYS THAT, BUT IT, LIKE REALLY WAS AN ACCIDENT.
WELL, DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE SOMEONE COULD
JUST COME HERE AND GET ME BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CAR?
THAT'S A REALLY FAR WALK.
SO ANYWAY, SHAN, I'M GLAD YOU'RE GETTING MY LETTERS.
I MISS YOU BUT I'M KIND OF GLAD YOU'RE IN JAIL.
AND I MEAN THAT IN THE NICEST WAY.
YOU BETTER LOOK LIKE LINDA HAMILTON IN "T2"
WHEN YOU GET OUT. BABY GOT BACK!
LIKE ACTUAL BACK, IT WAS AWESOME!
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH AND TRY AND STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.
HUGS.
MARTHA.
P.S., I HATE YOU WHICH IN CASE YOU FORGOT
MEANS I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER.
I DID LEARN THIS THIS FROM "HOT KNOCKERS 4."
OH, BABY.
SHAN! STOP, YOUR MY SISTER.
HOLD STILL, BABY.
THANK YOU. YOU ARE-- YOU HAVE A TREASURE TROVE.
YOU'RE LIKE THE MAYA ANGELOU OF DICK SUCKING,
AND I MEAN THAT.
IT WAS JUST A BIG URINE CAKE.
IT'S TRUE. - I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
I WAS JUST-- I WAS JUST A BIG URINAL CAKE.
THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY-- I'M SORRY.
EVERYONE'S EXCITED BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
LIKE, LIKE, LIKE!
WHAT ARE WE-- WHAT ARE WE JACKING?
MAYBE IT'S ME, MAYBE IT'S JERRY GARCIA,
MAYBE IT'S COUSIN IT. NOBODY KNOWS.
HELLO, I'M HERE FOR YOUR BAR MITZVAH, SHALOM!
COME AT YOU AND I'LL FUCK YOU SO HARD YOU'LL COME OUT YOUR BUTT.
ARE WE LOOKING INTO THE LENS?
NO, I CAN'T LOOK AWAY. I CAN'T LOOK AWAY. I CAN'T LOOK AWAY.
YOU WANT US TO COME ON THE CART?
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