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Well, this is pretty much the grossest thing I've ever seen.
No, ma'am. It's actually a lot better than that.
Let me... let me pull something up on my computer really fast.
Oh, there it is.
Did you know that nine out of ten doctors recommend this
as the only way to quit smoking?
Can you hold on a second? Fuck you! Fuck! Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.
- Hey, Tim. - Oh, hey, Evan.
Have you guys put together the numbers for Friday's presentation yet?
- What presentation? - Phallusite. Phallusite presentation.
Phallusite... is that the bigger dick thing pill...
Natural male enhancement, yeah.
- Right. Does that thing even work? - It totally works.
- I heard it turns your junk green. - It still works.
Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it works.
All that matters is that we land the account, all right?
And then I can remove "acting" from acting sales manager.
- I'm on it, man. You can count on me. - Thank you.
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.
- They never... - Tim.
- I'm on a sales call.
Ma'am, listen, if you're not gonna buy this, I'm gonna...
- You're gonna die. - Shit!
- Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy. - You, too? Mike, get to work.
- You owe me 50 bucks. - Shit!
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge, but you wouldn't happen to have
that $20 you owe me for the NCAA tournament pool, would you?
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.
It's been such a bear collecting from people.
Kinda short on cash this month. My cat has a cleft palate he needs surgery for.
He's constantly lapping milk into his eyes. It's really tragic.
Hey, bada-bada-bada...
- That's baseball, dumb ass. - I'm sorry. Did I fuck up the rules
of this well-defined and professional sport that we just came up with?
Yeah, I'm just saying that this is clearly a basketball throw.
Okay, but I'm sure someone has thrown a baseball like that...
Yeah, nobody has ever thrown a baseball.
- In the history of baseball... - No adult male has.
In the history of baseball, major league baseball...
- Can I help you? - Yes, thank you, actually.
I'm supposed to be working with Evan Sanders today.
- Yeah, he comes in at 9:30. - It's 10:45.
- Look, you can actually see it vibrate. - Because there's more than one element.
So is Evan here or should I grab a cubicle...
You'll know when he gets here, okay? He'll start bugging you for shit.
Now, if you need something to do, you can get me coffee.
- Aren't you already drinking... - Hey, sport. You see that garbage over there?
Why don't you grab it and throw it in the dumpster in the garage.
- Don't we have a janitor who can do that? - Yeah, well, his time's valuable.
- Goodbye! - All right.
Bye!
Don't waste those.
- Five-five. This is it. - That's the one.
- This is the one. I can feel it. - All right. All right.
Yes!
Identify yourself, soldier.
I'm Jack, the new intern.
I'm just taking out the trash.
- Don't we have a janitor for that? - You do.
- Jerry. - Frank.
Follow protocol.
It's my first day.
Thanks for pitching in.
- Screws up his equilibrium. - What's up, dildos?
Hey there, Andrew. Sorry to be a Pokety Paul, but...
you wouldn't happen to have that money you owe me for the NCAA pool, do you?
- Didn't I lose that thing? - It's not about that. It's about office fun.
My cat's got a cleft palate, is allergic to some types of air.
- Hey, Mike. - Fuck off!
All right. A little early for that kind of language,
but tomorrow works for me too, buddy.
- All right, well, see you. - See you, Dave.
Real nice, guys. No one pays Dave, he's gonna stop running the pools.
No, he's not. It's the only way anyone ever talks to the guy.
Tim... I thought you were working on the Phallusite presentation.
What's Phallusite?
You kidding me? Have you guys done any work today?
No.
- Hey, boys. - Hey!
Damn! For head of HR, you look fucking sexy.
Too kind, too kind.
- Mandy, can we please talk? - Don't call me Mandy.
Andrew, how was your weekend?
- It was good. I banged my neighbor. - Finally. All right!
Wait, you're talking about the hot Ukrainian chick?
It was actually her mom.
- That's decent. Proud of you. - Mandy.
Please, can we talk privately? Just somewhere else.
Why? This is a corporate break room.
Since we just have a business relationship,
then... whatever it is that you need to say to me,
you can say in front of all of our business associates. Right?
Okay, fine. All right. Look, what happened... What I...
I should have said, okay, is that...
Hey, congratulations on that NCAA pool.
Yeah, thanks. You know, I actually hate Duke, but they win, so...
Well...
You guys have a great day.
Except for you. Hope yours is a horrible piece of shit.
- Well, not if yours isn't first. - Right.
Hey, I don't want to overstep my bounds, but what the fuck?
- Jesus! - I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, that was just really uncomfortable, that was like...
I will. I know the story. I'll totally talk about it.
So, they're together. Just the two of them, right?
Evan.
I love you.
No.
How could you just say no?
You could have said anything else, like literally anything.
I can't even wrap my brain around the way, like, you would say no.
Fire! This could have been the one time
- you could have said fire. - No.
You could've called her a bitch, and that would have been better.
- Just silence, just... - No.
You could have spoken in tongues. You could have...
- Not even English. German! - Nein.
I get it, okay. I get it. I understand.
Yes, I screwed up. I understand that, okay?
It just kind of came out, guys. I don't know what happened.
I just screwed up.
You did screw up, man. She is the coolest girl ever.
I mean, remember when she kicked all of our asses at paintball?
- Why did she have all that camo on her face? - Unreal.
Honestly, I bet dating her is like dating a guy.
Who is like a hot chick that has a... you know, like a penis.
So, not a girl?
No, still a girl. Did you not listen to what I just said?
- All right. - No, it's a hot girl with a beautiful penis...
but she's still... she's still a chick. She just has guy parts.
- I get where you're going. - It's a feminine penis.
What if it was a guy with a vagina?
He makes a good point.
- I'm an idiot. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, you and me, a couple of margaritas.
- That is so offensive. - Why? That isn't racist.
I know it's not racist. I like margaritas.
I'm just offended that you think I would date you.
Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!
Hey, Andrew, could you please get your phone? It's ringing off the hook, man.
Probably one of my... man-like 15 female suitors.
- Your suitors are man-like? - No, no, no. I mean, man-like man!
Not man like man-like. You know, man like man-like...
Stop saying "man-like." Could you get your phone?
It's probably a sales call. Probably a business-related sales call.
I'll give you the business-related later.
I'll talk to him, okay?
I heard what happened with you and Amanda breaking up.
Oh, you heard about that?
Yeah, well, she's the head of HR, and she put out a memo.
- I... - All right.
Andrew, get the phone!
- Evan. Can I bend your ear? - Yeah. Hey.
How's the presentation coming? You're gonna be ready by Friday?
Yeah, Friday. Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.
Yeah, we need this account, Evan.
Sales have been bad, but if we land this fish,
- you'll save all our asses. - Yeah.
I know male enhancement isn't the most glamorous product in the world but...
No. My sources tell me it works actually.
Tell me if you need anything, 'cause it's all hands on deck on this one.
Yeah.
I'm making a pretty big announcement today
about the next phase of our company's future.
I need to know you're gonna be a team player, no matter what.
- Yeah. Yeah, Ted. You can count on me. - Okay.
- My office, ten minutes. - All right.
Hey, guys. Guys, guess what? I think Ted's gonna make me sales manager.
Bam! Snap!
What?
Bam, snap. It's like, a new catchphrase I'm trying.
- Yeah, it's not really working. - It's a work in progress.
- I love it. - Thank you, Mike.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - I'm still working on the inflection but...
- Ted's office in 10. - It's a catchphrase.
- I feel like everyone needs one in the office. - Yeah, it's good though.
Yeah. We really need to start bringing fruit into this.
- We can eat it. - I'm not ready for fruit.
Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.
Sorry. Sorry to bother you, but Ted wants everyone in his office.
He's got an announcement to make, I guess.
- Okay, got it. - Okay.
I think he's gonna make me sales manager.
- Is that so? - Yeah. Finally get that promotion.
It's kinda crazy. I can't believe it. It is so adult. Manager, you know?
I feel like it was just, you know, yesterday when we were kids, just...
laughing and just saying stupid stuff.
And now, we're looking after the kids.
Right? You know, I was listening to NPR this morning.
They were talking about the monogamy of gibbons, and...
it's just the cutest thing I've ever seen. Or heard.
It was on the radio, but they had these sound bites, you know?
A little chirping, you know. These sweet monkey nothings...
Evan, I have some things to do.
- So if you'll excuse me. - Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.
- Check in five. - Right.
So, I'm sorry to say...
without major improvements, we're gonna have to start laying some people off.
Mike!
It's time for a change.
Corporate thinks we need an official sales manager again.
And I couldn't agree more.
So I'm proud to announce our new manager of sales,
Max Phillips.
No, no, no. Not Max.
Who the hell is Max? What the hell is going on right now?
Max, Evan and I went to college together. It's kind of a long story.
- Hey, Evan. - Sup?
- That wasn't a long story. - No.
Did I mention that Max slept with Evan's girlfriend,
so Evan had Max kicked out of school for cheating,
- so Max punched Evan in the face? - No. You skipped all that.
Question...
- What do we sell here? - Shake weights.
- Power mustaches. - The Abinatrix.
- No, Michael. We sell dreams. - He knows my name.
Sales is... seduction.
And when you seduce,
do you say, "I have a 401k"?
Or "I floss"? No.
You say...
"I love you."
Because people make decisions from the heart.
If you wanna sell a bunch of useless crap to fat losers in Alabama
and bored housewives in Iowa, feed their dreams.
Convince them.
Their lives can transcend the pointless slog of being human.
Give them hope, open their eyes...
to something...
bigger.
Sink your teeth into their poor pathetic lives.
And give them life.
And better abs.
Our goal for this month is...
one million dollars in sales.
It's aggressive, yes, but I'm confident we can hit it.
And if we don't, Ted and I have already agreed...
we'll be forced to kill all of you.
So you better do what he says.
So, come on, let's get out there and get selling.
- What the hell, Ted? - Now, hold on a minute.
No one ever promised you that job.
Oh, yeah, I know, but Max Phillips?
He's got an MBA. He's got a great track record.
He comes highly recommended. He has some very interesting ideas for new hires.
Honestly, we're lucky to have him.
How did you... Of all...
Now, this isn't gonna be a problem, now, is it?
- You working for Max? - No. No! Of course not, I just...
I would've liked a legitimate crack at the job before you brought in someone else.
Look...
I like you, Evan. I really do.
I mean, you show up for work on time. You work hard.
- You legitimately give a shit. - Thank you. I do!
It's like I used to tell the bench players back when I coached football,
"The most important people in the team are the ones who make the starters try."
Now, you get out there. There you go.
Thank you, Jerry.
Those are the employee files I requested?
Yes, I think so. It might be helpful if you were a little more specific
- about exactly what it is you're looking for. - Listen, Amanda...
I know you and Evan have a history, and I know that you care about him.
I'm the head of HR.
So, it's highly inappropriate for me to discuss this before...
Sure, sure, sure. I'll tell you what.
After I settle in, you and I can...
schedule some one-on-one and get to know each other.
Yeah, that sounds nice.
Hey, buddy.
Just a little HR talk. Thanks, Mandy. We'll circle back...
Where are you taking Fuzz Aldrin?
Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has... Why?
Long time no see. Am I right?
Listen, Evan. I know you and I had a little falling out.
But as far as I'm concerned...
water under the bridge. Ancient history.
- Okay, good... - It's all about the company now, right?
- Wait... - I knew I could count on you.
This is mine...
Boom Shaka laka. Who's the noob now, bitch?
Oh, now you wanna be a little kid. Okay. Well, you can cry all night long
'cause you just got your ass whupped by a grownup with a big-ass dick.
I'm gonna kill you.
Yeah.
Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up.
I'm gonna fuck... you up.
Yeah, I see you. Fuckin' eat that shit.
Hi.
Jesus, man! You gotta fucking warn someone before you do that.
Office hours are over.
Yeah, high-speed internet's free, and Elaine left her Souplantation in the fridge.
So, velvet rope off this motherfucker right here
because this is gonna be my own personal club tonight.
- Okay. - And I'm gonna be dialing up some Youjizz
and busting out some knuckle children in a couple of minutes,
so unless you wanna mop me up here and here and here and a little bit here
- and some over here... - I'll go take a smoke break.
Oh, yeah, I'm back. Oh, are the tears back?
Good. Yeah, take that.
I hear the tears already coming.
What the shit?
I'm gonna go take a dump now.
If anyone wanna steal something from this company,
I'd be gone way too long to do anything about it.
Hilarious, man.
Turning the lights out on the guy in the shitter, man.
You must be some kind of a prank savant, right?
All right, man. Whoever's doing this better knock it off.
Colonel Sanders.
Still hilarious. Hey, is Mike here already? His car is in the parking garage.
- That's a negative, sir. - Do you know who Mike is?
- That's a negative, sir. - How do you know he's not here?
I unlocked the doors myself at 0600, and no unfamiliars have penetrated my perimeter,
I've been on full alert.
So, full alert?
I believe I know this cat, sir.
Okay... at ease or carry on.
Nah, I must be dreaming.
Max called me at 6 a.m. this morning to come in early.
I haven't been up before dawn since straight is great camp.
What?
I wasn't gay. They just had a really good archery program.
All right. So you've told me.
This situation sucks, dude. I mean, we gotta do something about this, right?
I mean, can you believe how much they've screwed us here?
Us?
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready for you to become sales manager.
I wanted that for you, man. Because what's better than having
- your best friend as your boss? - Yeah.
Now then... I mean, I would've gotten away with everything.
But now...
I mean, you get me, man. You know?
You allow me to be me in the workplace.
- Useless slacker. - Exactly.
- Worthless. - Yeah.
- Gotta have one. - I mean, look at me, man.
Look at me.
Our perfect routine...
is broken.
Yeah, you... you are the real victim here.
I know.
But hey, man. You got hosed too, kinda.
By the way...
No. No. You gotta be fucking kidding me. This is my desk now?
Well, officially, it's still a photoprinter's desk.
But you can share it.
Do I get a chair?
Holy fucking shit!
We're gonna get this place lean and mean, Theodore.
We are gonna separate the meat from the tallow. We're going...
Mike is dead.
- Mike is fucking dead! - What?
Mike is dead in the fucking bathroom. I went in there, and someone ate his...
I don't know. I just had to go. I just needed to go.
Jesus Christ, I'll never take a shit again.
Evan, Evan, slow down. What's up now?
Mike...
He didn't... dead...
The bathroom.
Ted, call security.
I still have to go.
- Hey, Frank, we have to have... - Code one emergency.
The forty dollars you owe me for the NCAA tournament pool.
I'd join ya, but I gotta get these papers.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait. Don't open the door.
I'm sorry. I just... I need to warn you.
I hope you all have strong stomachs.
Oh, boy. That's disgusting. I'll clean it again. It's...
What? No.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I...
I am telling you, this stall was a fucking horror show.
Evan, this isn't some way of stalling on the Phallusite presentation, is it?
- The what? What? - The Phallusite presentation.
It's tomorrow. If you're not ready...
No, no. I... I'm not ready yet, all right? I'm not...
It will be ready, okay? It will...
Mike!
I'll deal with Mike whenever he decides to roll in to work today.
- You just keep your eye on the ball? - We're counting on you, slugger.
No. No. What the fuck?
- Permission to speak freely. - Jesus Christ, Frank.
Can we drop the whole chain of command bit? I'm just not in the mood.
You were right. Someone drew first blood.
I need to talk to you.
Evan, if this is about us, I just can't at work. I have...
Mike is dead.
- What? - I found him in the men's room.
He was propped up in the stall like some fucked up marionette.
There was blood everywhere. And then I went to get help, and he was gone.
Oh, my God. I can't believe you're seriously doing this right now.
Doing what? Mike was dead in the bathroom.
- Did anyone else see the body? - Well, no.
I went to get help and then when I came back, he was gone.
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking with you. It's Mike. He's probably doing it as a joke.
Let's not forget he's a complete asshole, okay?
Yeah, he is kind of an asshole, but I don't know. This looked pretty real.
Okay. All right, let's... let's consider the possibilities then.
Option one, somebody murdered Mike,
left him in the bathroom and then moved the body when you went to get help.
Well, when you put it that way...
Or option two, is that the most obnoxious prick in the office
who would rather do anything other than actually work,
played a practical joke on you.
- Okay, now I'm gonna kill him. - Yeah, well, you've got bigger fish to fry.
Max is cleaning house. Mike was probably getting fired even before the first stunt.
I have to nail that presentation.
Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Don't you two have some work to do? - Not really.
- Dave, right? - Yeah.
I hear you're the guy to talk to about office pools. Company sports czar.
It's so weird. I've been trying to get people to call me that.
- Oh, yeah? - I should probably quit though.
My cat, Puddles, he gets really jealous when I spend too much time on,
- his diabetes is acting off. - Oh, nonsense.
Morale is vital to the health of any company.
And you make an important contribution.
Let's pop into my man-cave, and you can give me the Vegas tips on the NBA playoffs
- and dirt on upcoming events, you know? - Don't hit me.
- Man stuff, all right. Come on. - All right.
I got all sorts of ideas for other office pools.
Competitive curling, fantasy fishing, ant bite...
Dude, the record.
What's up, man. You all right?
I...
I don't know. I don't know.
Right now, I'm just... trying to avoid getting fired.
That's smart. That's a good plan.
- Welcome to the club, right? - Right.
I want my $20 for the NCAA tournament pool.
- I told you, man. I... - No excuses! You gambled, you lost.
- Now pay for your failures. - You need to chill out, Brian.
I will chill when I have your $20 as well, Tim.
You have until 5 o'clock. Don't make me come find you.
Evan, thank you for your thoughtful and prompt payment.
It shall not be forgotten.
I...
- What the fuck was that? - I didn't even enter that pool.
Shit. Mike's computer's password protected.
That's probably a good thing. There's an insane amount of porn on that.
How the hell am I gonna get those sales figures?
You mean, you want all the numbers, like...
Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets are on Mike's computer and that's locked, so...
- Oh, you don't have the password? - No, no. I don't wanna know the password,
so I'm gonna have to rebuild the excel files from scratch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can totally help, you know.
Especially after what Ted did to you. That was just so horrible.
- I know. Right? Yeah. - You must be having such a horrible day.
- So you think you can help me out? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could totally go down to the basement, and... grab the files for you downstairs.
That's great. You're a lifesaver, Zabs. Go do that, and then we'll talk.
- Okay - Okay. Bye-bye. Bye. Run along.
- God. - Little help.
Really?
Evan?
Okay.
Oh, shit. I just got this skirt.
Come on.
Please, it's not the world. It's just one night.
- I have kick ball. - And you're starting pitcher tonight.
- I'm on that team. I never get to go. - He's terrible.
- God damn, Tim! - All right. What do I get if I stay?
My undying gratitude. The respect and admiration of your peers.
- It's not me. - Come on, man. Something valuable.
Precious gems. Straight-up cash.
If we land the account, all the Phallusite you'll ever need, free.
- No. - Yes.
- You should be in sales. - Yes!
Why do you care? I... I don't suppose I should even bother to ask you.
Oh, I can't tonight. I've got Kelly Clarkson tickets.
Oh, you had been talking about that.
Yeah. I like that Walk Away song, though, I do.
Boom!
Man! There goes all the burritos.
This is a conventional oven, right?
Well, you know, microwaving is a pretty inexact science, Tim, so...
You know what?
- Can I be blunt? - As opposed to how you normally are?
So how long are you planning on punishing Evan?
Jesus, Tim. I am not talking to you about this right now.
Yes, you are, Mandy. Damn it.
We are gonna have this conversation right now. Because, you know what?
Evan is a good guy. You know it. I know it.
All right? So he made one mistake. He's human.
Yeah, well... it was a pretty big mistake, Tim.
What do you want me to say?
Okay, yeah. Evan... hurt my feelings... a lot.
Well... yeah, I guess that's exactly what I wanted you to say.
- You said it. - Well, yeah.
Look, I'm not trying to pile on to you emotionally...
- Right. - But look, we all think you're awesome.
Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.
Dating me is like dating a dude. It's really great.
- Never heard anyone say that. - Yeah.
It's not like I was expecting a fucking proposal, okay?
And this may not have occurred to you, but it was actually...
really difficult for me to even say...
the "L" word, and please, do not make a lesbian joke right now.
That seems inappropriate. I wouldn't have done that.
- You always make lesbian jokes. - Not in front of lesbians.
Or women, you know, with lesbian haircuts.
Look.
I wasn't even expecting him to say it back right away.
But Jesus, Tim. "No?"
Yeah.
He said no. Like what kind of a response is that?
- Not a positive one. - Yeah.
It would have...
It would have honestly hurt less if he just would have said...
nothing at all.
Hey, Evan.
Shit.
Mandy is upset because I was using the microwave,
and I just didn't understand how the buttons work,
and I blew up my burrito, and it was, like, the fourth one.
She wanted to microwave her salad, I think and...
- We were talking about you. - Clearly.
Amanda Baron.
Your friends call you Mandy, but Amanda is better, stronger.
A name with fingernails I can dig into a man's back.
Interesting observation.
You smell... lust.
I can hear your heart all broken.
- And wet. - That's really weird, okay?
Evan doesn't deserve you.
Perhaps you just need a woman's touch.
Shouldn't you be answering the phones?
I like your dress.
No money was ever transferred. You can't just give yourself a checkmark.
I put a checkmark on the board. That's a sale, man.
Tick-tock, motherfucker.
- Yes. Yes, you can borrow 20 bucks. - Quick.
So please, just give me your address and your e-mail
and your Social Security, and I'll send it out.
Go ahead.
One...
Five o'clock. See you fuckers tomorrow.
Oh, did anybody see which way Dave went?
Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.
- Evan? - Oh. Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.
Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.
Oh, thank you, Elaine.
- All right, man. I'll see you tomorrow. - Phallusite.
Well, it was worth a shot.
And you can call me Ward Cleaver 'cause I just banged out June.
Nice. You can call me Uncle Ben because I just nailed May.
Nice.
Hey, we keep this up, we might not have to sleep here.
Oh, Amen, brother.
Shit. Zabeth only brought up the hard copies through July.
Can you run downstairs and get August?
- In the basement? - Yeah.
Man. That place has freaked me out ever since they found that whimsical gimp mask.
You know, Elaine walked off with that.
Come on, man. Please. Just go. Think of it as a field trip.
- You don't have to work for one minute. - Actually, that's pretty good argument.
There you go.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't do it, Evan.
Bad idea.
Fuck that. It was my office longer than it was his.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth. You scared the shit out of me.
What the hell were you even doing down here?
Oh, shit. Of course.
Ass-hat?
I thought perhaps it was Evan coming down, but now I see.
Why send a boy to do a man's job?
Well, I couldn't agree more.
The douche-nozzle.
Yeah, I should stop doing that.
You know, I always had a thing for you, right?
Really?
'Cause I always thought that you wanted me to die in a car fire.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would my baby think of me like that?
Because you said, "Andrew, I hope you die in a car fire."
Got some new hires?
Well, that's not a surprise.
You were very specific to the make, the model, the mileage.
No, no, no, no, no. I was just wasting my time pining on Evan.
And Evan is just that. A waste.
Oh, Max. You sick fuck.
Okay, come on. Evan's my friend,
and he's the only person in this office who...
You're right. Fuck that guy.
Well, Tim. I mean...
What? Really?
Oh, what are you doing...
Well...
What? I'm the one person in the office you haven't made a decision on.
Okay, full disclaimer. There might be some slight discoloration issues down there,
but if it helps, you can pretend you're boning the Hulk.
Actually, I don't want to over promise that. Let's go with Kermit.
Well, well, well.
My buddy Ted will be very interested in this.
I have severely underestimated the versatility of Anne Taylor Loft.
Oh, God! You bit my lip.
- Do we need a safe word? - Scream for me.
Okay. You know what? I'm as kinky as the next guy.
Well, you have Zabeth.
Oh, God! Okay, I took a self-defense class for women to pick up chicks,
and the shit they teach you in there is nasty.
Dave? What the hell does he do?
No! Foot stomp, eye gouge, crotch kick.
Excellent suggestion.
Well, that's different.
- Oh, God! - I will still fuck you if you scream.
What the hell does that mean?
- God! - I just didn't say when.
All right, Max.
We'll see what Ted has to say about this.
Oh, man, you would not believe what I...
Are you... son of a bitch! If you bailed on me...
Andrew?
Dude, if this is another fucking bit like Mike's...
Run.
Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?
Okay, okay, hold on. I'm gonna get help.
What the fuck is happening?
Somebody here went to Harvard?
Who the fuck would do this?
Max.
You... fucking asshole.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, come on
Amanda. Amanda, it's me. I'm at the office and I just saw Andrew get killed.
And now they're after me, and I think it's Max.
Oh, gosh, buddy. That hurts my feelings.
I'm sure Amanda is great in a crisis,
but don't you think this call is more suited to 911?
- What have you done with Amanda? - I just devoured her...
fabulous Ossobuco.
Who knew Mandy was such a demon in the kitchen?
Absolutely open another bottle as long as it's red.
What?
Max, you son of a bitch. You listen to me, right now!
- Oh, fuck! - Do I hear banging?
On your end. I mean, there's no banging happening here, yet.
Wait, are you on my phone?
It's Evan calling to tell us he's absolutely crushing the presentation tomorrow.
Do you want to talk to him?
No. No, it's okay.
- Amanda! - Sorry, buddy. You're stuck with me.
God damn it, Max. I swear to God, if you lay one finger on her...
I think you better focus on your own problems, bro.
But I'll give Amanda your best.
Actually, I'll give her mine.
- Max, no. - It's better.
Max! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck! Fuck!
Situation is suited for 911?
Okay, asshole.
Fuck it. That was stupid.
All right. Where were we?
"Where are we?"
Is the more pertinent question.
- What? - You...
have beautiful eyes.
We should get started.
We have the whole company to get through, so...
Don't I know it.
Hey, Ted.
- Mind explaining yourself? - Ted's here.
I... I don't know. I don't know.
I... was working on the presentation.
And... Oh, my God! Andrew!
"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right. Without him, today would have been a total disaster.
- What? No, no. Andrew is dead. - Dead tired after that all-nighter.
The presentation. Signed, sealed, and delivered.
Andrew, you start prepping my office for the Phallusite.
I want you to run this presentation today.
- You got it, boss. - Bounce.
- Wait, wait... I... - Evan, what the hell happened to you?
You've always been a model employee, but I...
I can't overlook a pooch-screwing this monumental.
Ted. Ted, Ted.
Let's not be hasty. Andrew finished the job but Evan laid down the groundwork.
Look at this poor fellow. He was just passed over for a promotion.
He slept in the supply closet, and he smells like a dead wharf hooker.
- You smell it now? - He's just having a rough patch.
Let's give him a pass on this one, okay?
I...
Max brought doughnuts.
I would love to tell you about our exceptional product, Abinatrix.
Abinatrix is 100% natural.
Abinatrix is for everyone of all ages.
Dude, that sucked, man.
Abinatrix is recommended by most doctors...
No, I don't understand what the hell is going on.
I did not imagine all that stuff last night, Tim.
And why the hell did Max save my job?
You know what, man? I thought that was weird too, but on the plus side,
at least he didn't turn you into a vampire like everyone else.
- Mom, look, just buy Abinatrix, all right? - What?
I haven't had a sale all month and I'm going to get fired.
Dude, what are you doing? That was going to be my first sale.
Tim! Vampires?
Okay. Well... it's just a few things I've been noticing here and there.
A shoe?
- That was your evidence? - Well, I'm not done yet.
Okay, that is significantly weirder and Zabeth has been acting strangely.
Agreed, but what really convinced me...
Poor, poor, Elaine.
All ginger and no joy.
- I don't... I don't mind. - Yes, you do.
- Oh, that's... - I want you.
I am so busy. I can't. I can't.
I'm... I'm a virgin.
You all are.
So basically, I saw Max turn Elaine into a vampire, ergo...
- Max is a vampire. - The head vampire, presumably.
Right. This all started after he got here. It's only logical.
Logical? Oh, there's a part of this story that you guys think is logical?
Well, maybe not logical, but true.
I don't know what kind of a game you're trying to play here, but it is not funny
or endearing or working. And you, you let him drag you into this too?
- I thought you were smarter than that. - Really?
- And today of all days. - What day is it?
I knew that you were selfish and immature, Evan,
but I did not think that you'd commit career suicide to impress me, it's pretty lame.
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying to commit career suicide.
I'm trying to prevent career homicide!
- Oh, good one. - Oh, well, yeah, it just came out.
We have to get out of here.
The only thing I have to do is that Phallusite presentation
because I actually give a shit about my job, so...
- Touche. - Wait, wait. How do you explain Andrew?
What about Andrew? He stayed here all night working. He looks amazing.
- Yeah, he does. - Exactly!
You don't think that proves supernatural forces are at work here?
- All right, Evan, I'm done. I'm done... - What? Amanda! Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
Please, wait.
I know this all sounds crazy. I know. But please, you have to believe me.
I love you.
No.
So that's what it sounded like.
Fuck it. I don't care if she hates me forever,
I am not letting the woman I love get turned into a blood-sucking vampire.
Bam-snap!
What?
Is it just me or is this office getting darker?
And colder too. Look.
- Okay, it's time we alert the authorities. - You mean call the cops?
- Yes. - And tell them what?
I mean, everybody that we want to report is dead, is here...
- and working. - Shit.
Or turned to food.
Oh, God! That was Mike's real body.
Grody.
Poor Andrew.
Hey, we did get a bell. Bitchin'.
It's a great idea. I think Max really listens to what I have to say.
Dave.
Andrew has 14 sales today? Fuck!
He's totally going to win that Chilli's gift certificate.
We need to get Amanda and we need to get the fuck out of here.
- Everyone in this office has been turned... - Well, not everyone.
Come on.
Anybody need anything from the...
break room?
- Colonel Sanders. - At ease, Soldier.
No, no, no, not at ease. It's war time.
Right, right, right. Yeah. I...
- Attention. - Attention.
Frank, we need your help, okay?
This is going to sound insane,
but the entire office has been turned into...
Vampires. Affirmative, sir.
What? What, you know?
- Did I not mention that Frank was there? - No, Tim. God damn it. No, you didn't.
Sorry, my bad. We hang out a lot actually.
By the way, how amazing was that Kelly Clarkson concert last night?
"American Idol?" More like "American Treasure."
- Her voice literally sings. - It does sing.
- Her singing sings. - How did you get home? I blacked out.
This is not what we're here to talk about.
We need to get upstairs, Frank, we need your help.
We need to get Amanda and we need to get the hell...
No, no, no, we can't just go up there. The place is a den of the undead right now.
We need to arm ourselves. We need weapons and shit.
I was waiting for you to say that.
I've got just the thing.
- Weapons! - Okay, okay.
When she came after that second encore, I was like, "what!"
I almost fainted.
What kills vampires?
- Stakes. - Yeah.
Anything wooden you can jam into their heart. Or a sharp blade.
Decapitations work too.
Did you think this was my first vampire? I'm a licensed security guard.
You don't get this patch without dusting a few puncture monkeys.
I looked some stuff up on Wikipedia.
- All right, what else? Holy water, garlic? - I make a really good 40-clove chicken.
But we probably don't have time for that right now, guys.
- Sunlight. That burns them up. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?
Because it's daytime right now and they don't seem to be too bothered by it.
Correct, but that's because this facility has a limited number of windows
to minimize visual distractions and maximize climate control and security.
You're telling me sunlight does kill vampires,
but we get so little of it in this fluorescent shithole, that they're just fine?
- Good God, that's depressing. - Yes, sir, it is.
Sir... I swear to God,
there was an arsenal of immense proportions in this van this morning.
Someone has violated the sovereignty of my vehicular transport.
They got your stereo, too.
- Oh, son of a bitch. - Hey!
Oh, my God! Man, hey, hey. You can't just... okay, okay.
Listen, we need your help. All right, this is going to sound insane,
but the entire office has been turned into...
Vampires, yeah.
- Did everybody know but me? - Yeah, it seems that way.
Oh, fuck! Oh, my God, you're a vampire! Holy shit! Max turned the fucking janitor.
That one actually makes sense if you think about it.
- You're creating a lot of dead bodies... - Yeah, you got blood.
It's smeared all over the walls. People are struggling, they're breaking things.
You got vans coming in full of weapons. You got to clear that out.
Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I get it. All right, yeah. Great idea.
- He's still a fucking asshole. - Did you guys really not notice?
He turned me day one. I've been a vampire this whole...
- I chased you through the cubicles. - Last night? That was you? That...
It was really dark. I mean, I was scared.
Look, it's not personal. We don't know you that well.
You know? I mean, we work upstairs, we're busy and you...
Well, how about this?
- That's... that's scary, yeah. - The teeth...
Don't patronize me! God!
Do you even know my name?
Janitor?
Always keep a provisional weapon on your person.
Wait... where?
In my...
Wikipedia did not mention that.
No, no, no. Okay, okay, wait, wait.
This means that they can die, all right? You just need to find weapons.
Oh, hey, maybe the janitor put Frank's weapons in... Oh, God!
Oh, God, how have they not dumped the bodies yet?
Trash pick up is on Saturdays unless you make a special request,
but that's like 60 bucks.
Seriously?
God, this fucking company sucks.
I've got towels in my car.
Hi, we're the Phallusite Corporation. We have a 4 o'clock meeting?
Meeting's canceled.
Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.
Say what you want about Elaine, she always did stock the shit out of the supply closet.
Bam-snap!
That's growing on me.
What?
- Bam-snap! - Yeah!
Today, we become men.
- Or vampires. - Or dead.
God, Frank, what's wrong with you?
It's bull piss.
It's gonna beat your ass.
How many of those do you drink a day?
As many as it takes.
Jeez, anyone that probably takes a bite out of you is going to be up for a week.
Okay, there's a lot of them.
Let's focus.
We get into Ted's office, we grab Mandy, we get out of here.
We got your back, Colonel.
Colonel Sanders.
Like the chicken guy.
I just got that.
All right, vam time. Focus.
Okay, okay, okay. No sudden movements, all right? Just calm careful motions.
Like you're playing Jenga.
So, you know, generally it's got to be some kind of pass.
- Phallusite people call yet? - No, not yet.
Maybe they're stuck in traffic.
I don't recognize a lot of these people.
That's the IT guy. There's Marketing.
There's the Customer Service Call center. I hired everyone in there.
- That is ironic. - Only if they eat us.
Tim.
What? Oh, did I jinx us? My bad.
- Sanders, what the hell are you doing? - Have... have you lost your mind?
Amanda, I love you, but you have no idea what's going on here.
- Now you're saying way too much. - Tim... Ted, we have a problem.
Max, in addition to being a douchebag, is also a vampire
and he's turning every one of your employees from the janitor on up.
By the way, your neck-biting custodial buddy
is doing his best impression of a Jackson Pollock painting
- in the parking garage. - Bam-snap!
Jesus Christ. Evan, what the fuck have you done?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good custodial help?
- You popped Jerry? - Jerry.
- That sounds familiar. I almost... - Yeah. Yeah. That was so embarrassing.
- Did you just miss the whole un-dead thing? - Yeah.
God damn it, I know they're vampires.
Wait... wait, what?
I track how many paperclips we use per quarter,
you think I wouldn't notice a vampire company take-over?
How many paperclips do we use per quarter?
- Tim! - Last quarter, 22415.
See? Look at him. He's a model employee now.
Wait, you did this intentionally?
Corporate was threatening to shut down the entire branch,
I simply presented Ted with an alternative.
His methods may seem a little unorthodox, but you can't argue with the results.
After your little stunt... in college!
The only school that would take me was this university in Romania.
But it turns out, it had a very unique MBA program,
a whole new paradigm in business management.
What? Turning your employees into vampires? That's sick!
Evan, this company was sick.
Employees calling in with fake, dead grandmothers
so that they could go out to the ballpark.
Video game tournaments during office hours,
and look at your browser histories.
- I know you watch porn all day. - That was mainly mine.
At least now we have a future.
Yeah, funny your usage of the word "we" there.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Max was gonna fucking eat you.
I saw it in his files. Why do you think he hasn't turned you yet, Ted?
He was going to turn me last. Make it special with candles.
That makes sense.
You were going to force me out?
Hey, quick, while you still have time, Ted. Fire this...
Oh, God!
That actually works. He really did that.
That is the worst part of this job. Firing people.
Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...
- Hey, Mandy. - His neck...
Have you not been listening this entire time?
We are vampires. That's what we do.
We get... still sounds so weird saying vampires.
So you just do it?
It's true. Amanda you got to start working on your stubbornness
if you want to be a part of the team.
Fuck your team, Max! I'm taking Amanda and we're walking out of here un-undead.
Is that so?
Yeah, I'm gonna... I'm gonna do that.
- Okay. - Okay?
Well, show yourselves out.
Can I have a thing, maybe a... This will do.
- Bye, gang. - Okay, yeah.
- See you guys. - See you, man.
You got that? You got the door?
Back up. Back up!
Shit. Holy shit.
- Are all these people vampires? - Yes, ma'am.
Mandy, I don't want to die without telling you how I really feel.
Then shut the fuck up, so you have a reason to survive this shit.
So what now, Colonel?
Honestly, I have no idea. I never thought we'd live this long.
To think you came to rescue me and you didn't plan an escape?
Oh, don't Princess Leah me. I'm thinking.
- Okay, I've got it. - Oh, hey, Dave.
- Good luck getting your 20 bucks now, bitch. - God damn it, Tim.
God damn it. Now I'm definitely gonna have to wash this shirt.
Do you want me to... dive in?
Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you to learn how to delegate.
Hey, decapitate. You gotta take it off.
Hair pulling?
Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue- a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!
Oh, God! Your breath smells like cat-food.
Oh, I don't like this.
And I defended your hire.
- Does this happen every time? - Yeah, yeah. Yeah, basically.
Not if you kill them first, people.
Learn how to take the initiative if you don't want me to micro-manage.
This is about the story as far as I...
Well, now it's time to go to work.
Oh, shit.
Jesus, those walls are thin.
So, my question is, I mean...
When do you let your people make their own mistakes so that they can learn?
And when do you just jump in and do the job yourself because you're more efficient?
- It's a balance to be sure. - Yeah.
I'm going to need a minute, Dave. I think I've re-injured my back.
God damn it, Amanda! I finally started boning her.
Sorry.
You know what? That almost felt like... Oh, come on.
Oh, did it just get dark?
Should we be intervening here? I mean, we are losing a lot of employees.
- Don't worry about it. It's mostly marketing. - Okay, I'll just run an ad.
You fucker.
Take that.
Are you trying to repel me with a cross made of pencils?
Still, a good manager knows when his staff is getting overextended.
Be a dear and call downstairs for me, would you?
Can I use your office? This is just kind of flat out here.
Yeah, feel free. Make yourself at home.
I know you rigged the raffle to win the office trip to Cabo this year.
That trip was mine!
You do not want to know where that came from.
Who am I gonna get to stock the supply closet now?
I'm not a vampire expert, asshole.
Enough.
I want my $20, and then you die.
I'm saving it for something else.
Why don't we ever go dancing?
Monday night is salsa night at Vida Loca.
I hope you and your dickhead pals enjoyed picking on poor Dave,
because now my veins surge with a thousand generations of death.
My claws are like hammers, my teeth are like swords!
I am vengeance! And I am immortal!
I knew you were a good vampire.
I'm not a good vampire. I just always hated Dave.
Well, what now, asshole?
Yeah, it looks like... you're fresh out of friends.
Nah, I'll make more.
- That's a lot of blood! - Yeah.
- Are you secure? - Not in the slightest.
Fuck that NCAA pool. That was a bullshit foul at the end of the UNC game.
Fucking Duke.
- You hungry? - Yeah.
I can punch right into this thing. It's hilarious.
Yeah!
Oh, honestly, guys...
did you really think it was going to be that easy?
No, not at first, but then it...
- Once we got going, it was... - Oh, come on!
You think I would attempt to take over this company without consulting legal first?
Lawyers?
Amanda...
a private word with you in my office please.
Amanda, where are you going?
I don't... I don't really know actually.
Remember when I did this to your girlfriend in college without using supernatural powers?
I'm just saying why go pro when your school has a chance at the Championships?
Run the risk of injury? No way. You got to take the money and run.
Evan, you can go home for the day. Frank, you can die.
It has been an honor and a pleasure to serve with you, Colonel...
But it's time we parted ways.
Any-who, I'm going to turn you now. I hope that's cool.
No, I don't want to be a vampire.
No, no, no, Frank. They will... they will eat you alive.
Literally. Literally, literally.
Not the bullshit way most people use it.
You never know if you're the kind of guy who'll jump on a grenade,
- till it lands at your feet. - Man, that's intense.
Being a vampire is amazing. We had a crazy vampire orgy last night
- It was mind-blowing. - Yeah, but I just got some new golf clubs...
Thanks, Frank.
I'm going to recommend you for a meritorious service medal when all this is over.
I'm not going to let you stake me so...
Some pickle?
Much obliged, sir. Now go in there and kill our boss.
Come on! Come on!
Come on, get him! Get him!
Oh, hey, pal! I was just about to turn your girl and fuck her on Ted's desk.
Sorry.
- My desk. - Fucking dick.
Amanda, you need to focus on your job.
HR is going to be swamped with all the new hires we're going to need.
Oh, let's just get this over with.
I'd rather die than listen to your lame management style any longer.
My management style is effective. And refreshing.
Okay, option seven, you just eat like raccoons and stuff.
That is disgusting. No.
Evan...
do you remember what I said we sell here?
- Dreams? - Yeah, that was bullshit.
We sell fear.
Option eight, I don't turn you, I just kill you.
No, that doesn't work for me, 'cause then I'm just dead.
Our customers are afraid.
Afraid that life is passing them by, which to be fair, it is.
And that is why you are perfect for this place.
Because you are a coward.
I'm sorry?
Okay, option nine, I let you go but you have to promise not to kill anyone.
No way, man. A vamp's got to eat.
You were afraid to tell Amanda that you love her because of why?
Because you work together? Because she earns more than you?
Roshambo? Winner chooses our fate?
One, two, three, yes! Sorry.
You didn't even have the balls to quit when this incompetent turd...
passed you over for the guy you hate most on the face of the Earth.
You are so afraid of life.
That you actually want to be sales manager in this shithole.
Mandy!
We are trying to have a conversation.
No!
- Well, two out of three? - Yeah.
One, two, three.
I am not going to change you. That's right.
I'll leave you alive and stuck in this pathetic pointless job
from now, until the day you die.
This suit is bespoke.
One, two...
Sharing the desk with the photo printer,
while I stay young with the woman you love,
immortal at my side.
I'd rather fucking die first.
Yeah, yeah, that's the way it works.
Holy shit!
I think I'm ready to turn in my resignation.
Yeah.
You want this job? Then take it.
Die, you bloodsucking bastard!
Oh, shit.
Well, this is pretty much the grossest thing I've ever seen.
I stand corrected.
Hey.
Is all this Max's blood?
Some of it's mine, some of it's Evan's.
Yeah.
Gross.
Yeah.
Hey, Frank?
Lost in the line of duty.
I really liked that guy.
Well, on the plus side, no more vamps.
Yeah.
Oh, hey...
another work day. Bitchin'.
- Is it weird that I'm hungry? - Oh, I could eat.
- Where do you guys wanna go? - Well, somewhere without blood on it.
That rules out Denny's.
Have a pizza.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, Mom. Are you still there?
Hey! Yeah.
No, you'll never guess what happened at work.
Oh, you could hear it the whole time?
Bastardo!
Welcome to the team. My office in 10.
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