ACT THREE FINALE.
FBI, KILLS BIGFOOT.
ACTION! GET ON THE GROUND.
I'M NOT BIGFOOT. GET DOWN.
I'M NOT BIGFOOT. DON'T SHOOT.
GET DOWN.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE THE HELL IS THE CREATURE?
OH, BOY.
WHAT THE HELL.
HEY, THERE, BUDDY?
LOOKS LIKE I CAUGHT YOU IN THE MIDDLE
OF YOUR MORNING BATH.
WELL, WHAT THE--NO, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL JUST HEAD FURTHER DOWNSTREAM.
WHAT THE FUCK!
RUN.
HELP! HELP!
HELP!
BIGFOOT'S AFTER ME!
HELP!
BIGFOOT! RUN!
HEY, MAN.
I'M TYING A KNOT HERE.
DUDE, WE GOT TO RUN.
BIGFOOT'S COMING.
ACTUALLY, YOU'VE GOT TO RUN.
I'M FIRST NATIONS.
I'VE GOT NO BEEF WITH HAIRY MAN.
WHAT?
GET OUT OF HERE, MAN.
HELP!
BIGFOOT'S AFTER ME!
SON OF A BITCH, THAT HURTS.
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
YEAH, WE REALLY GOT HIM GOOD, BRO.
ONE LESS WEEKEND WARRIOR IN OUR TROUT WATERS.
MAN, IS THIS SUIT GETTING TIRED.
YEAH, I CAUGHT IT ON A STICK.
I ALMOST RIPPED THE WHOLE DAMN THING OFF
ALONG WITH MY BALL SACK.
I THINK WE'RE GOING TO NEED
TO GET A NEW ONE.
NO, WE CAN PROBABLY FIX IT UP
A FEW MORE TIMES.
MAN, THAT GUY FUCKIN' LOST IT.
IT'S PRETTY AWESOME.
AND THAT LAST LINE OF YOURS,
"YOU'RE TRESPASSING,"
THAT IS HYSTERICAL, MAN.
YES.
YOU'RE A QUARTER WHITE, MAN, LIGHTEN UP.
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY FISH
FOR THE NEXT FEW HUNDRED YARDS, AT LEAST.
YEAH, BUT I GOT HIM WAY BEFORE THE MEAT HOLE,
SO WE'RE GOOD FROM THERE UP.
COOL, BECAUSE GRANDMA WANTS ME
TO BRING HOME A BUNCH OF FISH.
WHAT, NO CATCH AND RELEASE, MR. PURIST?
NOT TODAY.
DAVID?
DAVID.
ARE YOU HERE?
DAVID?
I HOPE HE REMEMBERS TO BRING FISH BACK FOR OUR GUEST.
OH, SHIT.
DON'T LOOK AT 'EM.
WELL, THAT'S HIM.
THAT'S THE KID.
TELL HIM ABOUT BIGFOOT.
HEY, ART, WHAT'S UP?
NOW, TELL HIM ABOUT BIGFOOT.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
WE JUST SAW A CRAZY GUY
RUNNING DOWN THE STREAM.
YOU LOOKED PRETTY CRAZY. YEAH.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
STEVE JOBS.
OH, COME ON, KID.
THE CREATURE CHASED ME
FROM HALF A MILE DOWN THE RIVER.
WHAT'D YOU CALL HIM, HAIRY MAN?
WHOA, MAN.
THAT'S ENOUGH. TELL HIM!
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE RELEASE DAVID?
NO! WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO DOWN
TO THE STATION... I'M THE PRESIDENT
OF FIRST FREAKING BANK, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
AND IF YOU GIVE US A FULL REPORT, I'LL...
TELL HIM WHAT YOU SAW OUT THERE.
I'M SORRY. WE JUST SAW A CRAZY GUY
MESSING UP OUR FISHING. LET HIM GO.
ALL RIGHT, PROBABLY SEEN A BEAR.
IT WASN'T A BEAR.
OKAY. IT WASN'T A BEAR.
YOU TWO, TAKE OFF, AND I'LL GO FIND BIGFOOT.
HAIRY MAN!
HAIRY MAN.
I'LL GET YOU SOME DRY CLOTHES, SOME FOOD,
AND MAYBE A SEDATIVE.
WHOA!
HEY, SARAH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
NOTHING WITH YOU.
HI, DAVID.
SARAH.
BITCH! DUDE.
SHE'S LIKE THE LAST SINGLE GIRL IN TOWN.
THAT'S BECAUSE SHE'S A BITCH.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
GOD, IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY TODAY, BRO.
WE SCARED THE HELL OUT OF THAT TOURIST.
UH-HMM.
IT'S JUST LIKE I WAS NEVER GONE.
WHAT?
IT'S COOL TO SCARE A COUPLE OF TOURISTS,
BUT NEITHER ONE OF US CAN AFFORD
TO GET ARRESTED, AGAIN.
RELAX, MAN. NOBODY KNOWS IT'S US.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET CAUGHT.
RODNEY, YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ANYBODY,
THERE ARE NO SECRETS IN THIS TOWN.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING, SLUT.
HOW'S FISHING TODAY?
PRETTY GOOD.
OKAY. RODNEY, I HAVE FIVE FIRST TIMERS
THRASHING ON THE RIVER TODAY,
AND I KNOW I STILL GOT MORE FISH THAN YOU DID.
BULLSHIT.
YOU KNOW, GENIUSES, IT IS FIRE SEASON.
DAVID, WHY DO YOU HANG OUT WITH THIS PUNK?
HE JUST MAKES YOU STUPID.
I'LL BEAT YOU STUPID, RC.
SIT DOWN, RODNEY. I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU.
HERE. WHAT IS THIS?
THAT WAS MY CHAI.
THANKS FOR THAT. IT'S MOOSE URINE.
HI, GRANDMA OTTERTALE.
HI.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW MORNING.
I CAN'T. HELPING MY DAD ALL DAY.
WHATEVER. MORE FISH FOR ME.
YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA GET BORED WHEN YOU DON'T CATCH ANYTHING,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE HOME EARLY.
NO.
DID YOU CATCH ANY FISH?
OF COURSE.
DID YOU SEE ANYTHING INTERESTING?
NO.
NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY. WHY?
I'VE SEEN AN ORB LAST NIGHT.
YOU MEAN ONE OF THE "BRIGHT LIGHTS"
THAT PEOPLE TALK ABOUT
AFTER SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME
IN THE SWEAT LODGE?
YES. IT WAS A GREEN ONE.
THEY ALWAYS COME FIRST.
NO ORBS, GRANDMA.
OKAY.
GOOD LUCK.
I BROUGHT HOME A WHOLE BAG OF FRESH TROUT,
AND WE'RE EATING FROZEN FISH STICKS.
THEY'RE FOR COMPANY.
WHAT COMPANY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LOOKING FOR ORBS.
COME ON, GRANDMA, YOU HAVE TO EAT
BEFORE YOU TAKE YOUR HEART MEDICINE.
THAT'S PROBABLY WHY YOU'RE SEEING ORBS.
I'M SEEING ORBS BECAUSE SOMETHING IS GONNA HAPPEN.
EAT YOUR DINNER, PLEASE.
OKAY.
I GOT IT.
HEY, ART.
DAVID.
HELLO, LOUISE.
HEY, ARTHUR. DO YOU WANT TO COME IN?
NO, THANKS. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE TONIGHT.
UH-HMM.
DID YOU SEE ANY ORBS?
NOT LATELY.
I SAW A GREEN ONE LAST NIGHT.
REALLY, WHAT TIME?
WHAT'S UP, ART?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
BILL WAS HALLUCINATING OUT THERE TODAY.
I DON'T KNOW.
CITY GUY,
NOT USED TO THE FRESH AIR.
PROBABLY SAW A BEAR.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT ALSO
UNTIL HE MENTIONED A HAIRY MAN, DAVID.
YOU SAW A HAIRY MAN?
NO, GRANDMA.
JUST SOME CRAZY TOURIST HALLUCINATING
THOUGHT HE SAW HIM.
HE PROBABLY DID
BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY HERE.
YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU AND RODNEY DO ME A FAVOR
AND JUST TAKE IT EASY FOR A WHILE.
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LAUNCH
A FORMAL INVESTIGATION.
GOOD NIGHT, LOUISE.
GOOD NIGHT, ARTHUR.
COME AGAIN REAL SOON.
NIGHT, ART.
GOD, YOU'RE RUDE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
IT'S COLD.
SOMETHING'S GONNA BITE ME.
YOU ARE SUCH AS WUSS.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
BITE YOU, THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE
BUT TROUT AND ME, THEY WON'T BITE.
NO.
I'M NOT BORED, RODNEY.
WOULD YOU PREFER A SPONGE BATH, PRINCESS?
YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?
GET IN THIS RIVER, YOU STINK.
I DO NOT.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
WELL, HOWDY THERE, STRANGER.
OH, HEY,
I'M SORRY,
I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
UH-HUH.
HOW ARE THEY BITING?
FEW LITTLE ONES.
NOTHING TO WRITE HOME ABOUT.
YOU MUST BE USING THE WRONG PATTERN.
LET ME TAKE A LOOK.
WHAT? OKAY.
OF COURSE.
CADIS FLY?
REALLY?
DUDE, IT'S ALL NYMPHS RIGHT NOW.
NYMPHS, HUH?
HERE.
LET ME SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
HERE WE GO.
THIS IS OUGHT TO DO IT.
YOU DO LIKE NYMPHS, DON'T YOU?
I LOVE NYMPHS.
GIVE ME YOUR ROD. WHAT?
YOU CAN'T CATCH A BIG FISH UNLESS YOU'RE NAKED.
SO IF I DON'T GET ANYTHING ON THIS NEXT CAST,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE MY SKIRT OFF.
OKAY.
TOLD YOU.
YOU DO THIS OFTEN?
WHAT?
FISH NAKED.
AMONG OTHER THINGS.
HEY, I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME.
AMY.
COME ON OVER AFTER YOU LOSE MY FISH.
NAKED HIPPIE CHICK TELLING ME NOT TO LOSE MY FISH?
DAMN IT.
TOLD YOU.
ENJOY THE SHOW?
I WAS FISHING, I WASN'T SPYING.
OH, RELAX, JEN.
IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE WILL MASTURBATE
TO THE THOUGHT OF MY WET, NAKED BODY.
AMY. I WAS...
RELAX, BOTH OF YOU.
TOTALLY INNOCENT ENCOUNTER.
NICE GEAR.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON.
IT'S ALMOST LUNCHTIME.
LADIES FIRST.
HOME SWEET HOME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT'S THIS?
HOME.
SINCE WHEN?
OH, JEN AND I GRADUATED LAST MONTH
AND DECIDED TO GO MINIMALIST INSTEAD OF ENTERING THE MACHINE.
MINIMALIST, HUH?
SO, WHAT DID YOU TWO STUDY TO DRIVE YOU OUT HERE?
AMY, PHILOSOPHY, ME, MATHEMATICS.
AND I WANTED TO EXPLORE MY ROOTS AS WELL.
NICE SATELLITE DISH.
IT'S JUST FOR INTERNET ACCESS.
WE DON'T BELIEVE IN TELEVISION.
OKAY. OKAY.
YOU GUYS AREN'T EXACTLY ROUGHING IT.
NO ONE SAID YOU HAD TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE
TO COMMUNE WITH NATURE.
COMMUNING. YEAH.
YOU'RE JUST A REGULAR POCAHONTAS.
OH, I LIKE YOUR LANDSCAPING.
OH, REALLY?
YOU LIKE OUR LANDSCAPING?
YEAH, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN HANDLE OUR LANDSCAPING.
OH, PLEASE.
I CAN HANDLE YOUR LANDSCAPING.
I SAW THE FIRST STAR.
I GET TO MAKE A WISH.
DO YOU THINK THERE'S ALIEN USSES
ON ANOTHER PLANET
SOMEWHERE OUT THERE LOOKING AT US
AND WONDERING IF THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE?
CLICHE. I FEEL SO SMALL
AND INSIGNIFICANT
WHEN I LOOK AT THE STARS.
CLICHE, CLICHE
YOU ARE.
DON'T BE INSULTING.
I'M SERIOUS.
SO AM I.
WE ARE INSIGNIFICANT, BUT WHO CARES?
WHEN YOU'RE INSIGNIFICANT,
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HEAVY RESPONSIBILITIES TO WORRY ABOUT.
WHAT?
LISTEN TO YOU, GUYS.
COME ON, I'M THE ONE WITH A DEGREE IN PHILOSOPHY,
AND YOU DON'T HEAR ME GETTING ALL METAPHYSICAL
AND RUINING A PERFECTLY DELIGHTFUL EVENING.
BE NICE.
OKAY. WHY DO YOU THINK WE'RE HERE?
I DON'T KNOW, AND REALLY, I DON'T CARE.
PHILOSOPHY IS CRAP.
IT'S NOT CRAP.
NOT CRAP.
YES, IT IS.
DON'T YOU GO TO SCHOOL OR SOMETHING?
WHY SHOULD I?
I MEAN, YOUR DEGREES AREN'T DOING YOU MUCH GOOD.
THAT'S NOT TRUE!
YOU'RE A LIAR. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
OH, SHIT, I GOT TO GO.
AW, DOES LITTLE DAVIE HAVE A CURFEW?
I GOT TO GO CHECK ON MY GRANDMA.
YOU HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL,
HORNY WOMEN ALONE IN THE WOODS,
AND YOU REALLY WANT TO GO CHECK ON "GRANDMA"?
WE'RE LONELY.
LOOK, IF I DON'T GIVE MY GRANDMA HER MEDICINE, SHE WON'T TAKE IT.
SUIT YOURSELF. I UNDERSTAND.
WE MIGHT BE TOO MUCH FOR YOU.
WE DON'T HAVE TO TORTURE HIM THIS MUCH.
BUT IT'S SO FUN.
HE HAS TO TAKE CARE OF HIS GRANDMOTHER.
OH, WAIT, I'M HORNY.
DAVID, WAIT A MINUTE.
DAVID, DAVID, WAIT A SECOND.
LOOK, I REALLY NEED TO CHECK ON MY GRANDMA.
IT'S COOL.
AMY'S A TERRIBLE TEASE.
REALLY?
OKAY. ACTUALLY, SHE'S NOT A TEASE,
SHE'D PROBABLY FOLLOW THROUGH.
YEAH, THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
DON'T WORRY, WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
JUST COME BACK THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH TOMORROW?
WE HAVE TO GO INTO TOWN FOR SUPPLIES.
COME HERE.
NOW TAKE CARE OF GRANDMA.
RIGHT.
GRANDMA.
MEDICINE.
SHE PROBABLY WON'T DIE IF SHE JUST MISSES ONE.
OH, NO.
HEY, ART, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
OH, HEY, DAVID.
HEY, ART.
WHAT'S UP?
OH, JUST DROPPED BY TO CHECK IN.
WHY?
YOU KNOW, JUST MAKING MY ROUNDS.
SEE YOU LATER, LOUISE.
YEAH, BYE, ARTHUR.
OH, HERE, YOUR BADGE.
HEY, ART,
THINK YOU BETTER GET OVER HERE.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR ROBE?
I TOOK MY MEDICINE.
THAT'S GREAT, GRANDMA.
WHAT WAS ART DOING HERE SO LATE?
HE'S JUST CHECKING ON ME.
I'M GONNA SLEEP HERE TONIGHT.
WHY?
I'M LOOKING FOR ORBS.
ARE YOU SURE YOU NOT TAKING TOO MUCH OF YOUR MEDICINE?
YES.
SMELLS LIKE YOU ARE.
DID YOU GET ANY FISH?
YES.
JUST DOUBLE CHECKING.
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FEEDING HAIRY MAN.
LET'S GO TO BED, GRANDMA.
I'M SLEEPING HERE TONIGHT IN CASE ORBS COME.
GRANDMA, IT'S GONNA BE COLD TONIGHT,
AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP
IF I THINK YOU'RE OUT HERE FREEZING TO DEATH.
I WON'T FREEZE IF YOU GIVE ME MY BLANKET BACK.
COME ON.
SHIT.
YOU TREAT ME LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.
I'M SORRY, GRANDMA.
YOU REALLY LIKE MESSING WITH PEOPLE, DON'T YOU?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. DAVID.
HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA EXPLODE WHEN HE LEFT HERE.
IT'S GOOD TO KEEP GUYS GUESSING.
GUESSING?
HE'S PROBABLY LYING IN BED
IMAGINING THE TWO OF US
IN THE THROES OF CRAZY LESBIAN SEX.
I'D HATE TO LET THE LITTLE GUY DOWN.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NICE TRY.
HEAD GAMES WITH GUYS, FINE,
BUT NOT WITH ME.
I GOT TO PEE.
YOU WANT TO EXPLORE YOUR ROOTS WITH DAVID.
MAYBE.
SHE BETTER NOT BE THINKING ABOUT EXPERIMENTING.
IT'S REALLY BAD ENOUGH I HAVE TO DEAL WITH BUGS
AND SNAKES, AND OTHER CREEPY-CRAWLY SHIT.
I'M TIRED, AMES, STOP MESSING AROUND.
I'M SERIOUS.
AMY, IT'S NOT POLITE
TO SHINE A LIGHT ON SOMEONE WHEN THEY'RE PEEING.
THANK YOU.
WHEN DID YOU GET THE GREEN FLASHLIGHT?
WHAT?
YOU KNOW,
THE GREEN LIGHT YOU WERE SHINING ON ME WHEN I WAS PEEING.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU WEREN'T SHINING A GREEN LIGHT ON ME?
I TOLD YOU THAT WAS STRONG STUFF.
STOP MESSING WITH ME.
I DIDN'T SMOKE THAT MUCH.
I THINK YOU DID.
SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE NOT MESSING WITH ME?
NO.
THAT IS SOME GOOD LANDSCAPING.
MM-HMM.
WATCH THOSE RACCOONS, GRANDMA.
I MIGHT BE LATE. OKAY.
YOU'LL TAKE YOUR MEDICINE, RIGHT?
OKAY.
WHAT?
OH, AREN'T YOU GOING TO WISH
YOU CAME FISHING WITH ME YESTERDAY.
BETTER THAN SLAVE LABORING WITH MY DAD?
OW! GET OUT.
WHY?
GET THE FUCK OUT.
YOU'RE SMOKING HERB WITH NOT ONE BUT TWO
HOT, NAKED HIPPIE CHICKS ALL DAY AND YOU ASK ME WHY?
YOU SHOULD'VE CALLED ME, YOU ASSHOLE.
UGH!
OW, FRICK YOU, MAN.
YEAH, IT BURNS.
I DIDN'T HAVE A PHONE.
WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD'VE FOUND ONE.
SERIOUSLY, DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?
YOU LUCKY BASTARD.
THAT'S LIKE--THAT'S LIKE "PENTHOUSE" FORUM SHIT.
IT REALLY WASN'T THAT EXCITING.
WHAT, YOU DIDN'T SEAL THE DEAL? NO.
I HAD TO MAKE SURE MY GRANDMA TOOK HER MEDICINE.
OH, MAN. YOUR PRIORITIES ARE SO MESSED UP.
OKAY, WHATEVER. NO.
OKAY, WHERE ARE WE GOING?
YOU MEAN BEFORE WE GO BACK AND VISIT
YOUR SOON TO BE EX-GIRLFRIENDS?
THEY'RE IN TOWN TODAY. SHIT.
OKAY. WE'LL GO TO SOUTH FORK.
SOUTH FORK?
THE FISHING SUCKS, AND IT'S FULL OF TOURISTS.
EXACTLY.
TIME TO GENERATE SOME MEDIA CRED.
OH, YOU'RE GOOD, YOU.
MAN, YOU ARE A MESS.
- RC. - YEAH, BOB.
HEY, RC, I'M KIND OF HUNG-UP HERE.
COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND?
YOU KNOW, BOB, PART OF BEING A FLY-FISHERMAN
IS LEARNING HOW TO GET YOURSELF UNTANGLED THERE.
I'D CUT YOU LOOSE, BUT I'D BE DOING YOU A DISSERVICE.
HEY, RC.
ANY LUCK TODAY?
MAN, THESE ARE GONNA BE SO GREAT ON MUGBOOK.
NEVER MIND.
YEAH. HEY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU'RE NOT JOINED
TO THE HIP WITH THAT CRIMINAL, DAVID.
COME ON, MAN.
THAT WAS A BULLSHIT CHARGE,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
YEAH, BULLSHIT CHARGE.
HE STEALS ART'S PATROL CAR
AND DRIVES THROUGH THE POST OFFICE,
AND THAT'S A BULLSHIT CHARGE.
NO ONE SAW HIM. YEAH, OKAY.
HEY, DAVID, WHEN ARE YOU COMING BY THE SHOP?
I'M OUT OF STIMULATORS, PARACHUTES,
WOOLY BUGGERS, AND I'M LOW ON EVERYTHING ELSE.
NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS? OKAY.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
HAIRY MAN.
OH, SHIT. DAVID, REALLY?
YOU MIGHT KNOW HIM AS BIGFOOT.
HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?
FISHING.
FISH ARE ALL TOO SCARED DOWN HERE. LATER, RC.
SERIOUSLY, WE JUST SAW BIGFOOT
- ON THE NORTH FORK RIVER. - SOUTH FORK.
SOUTH FORK RIVER.
WE GOT A PHOTO OF IT.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, CHET.
WE ARE LIVE WITH TONIGHT'S BIG STORY.
BIGFOOT ON THE SOUTH FORK RIVER.
WE WANNA SHOW YOU A VERY DRAMATIC PHOTOGRAPH
THAT WAS JUST TAKEN HOURS AGO. TAKE A LOOK.
NOW, IT IS BLURRY...
HEY, GRANDMA.
...SOME KIND OF CREATURE...
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
NEWS.
TOURISTS THINK THEY SAW A BIGFOOT.
HOLY SHIT.
- NO. - CHARLIE MURPHY.
CHARLIE MURPHY, YOU WERE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE.
NOW THAT LOOKS LIKE A VERY FANCY PIECE OF EQUIPMENT.
WITH NO DUE RESPECT, SIR,
WHY IS THIS PHOTO SO BLURRY?
WELL, THE--I HAD ON A REALLY WIDE LENS,
AND THE CREATURE, THIS BIG HAIRY THING
LOOKED AND MOVED MORE LIKE AN APE THAN A MAN.
HE WAS REALLY WAY UPSTREAM
AND I MIGHT HAVE HAD THE-- I MIGHT HAVE KNOCKED
THE AUTO-FOCUS OFF IN THE EXCITEMENT,
BUT WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS I'M GONNA GET MY REALLY LONG LENS,
AND I'M GONNA COME BACK OUT HERE EVERY DAY
UNTIL I GET A BETTER PICTURE. EVERY DAY?
NOW, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE OUT HERE EVERY DAY?
TO GET A BETTER PICTURE.
WHAT A DOUCHE BAG.
HOW CLOSE ARE WE GETTING?
RIGHT UP AROUND THE BEND, JUST CHILL.
NICE.
I SAID CHILL.
THEY WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREAM
JUST OFF THAT LITTLE PATH BY THE ROCK.
WELL, THEY'RE NOT THERE NOW.
WHAT ARE YOU FELLAS LOOKING FOR?
OH, AMY, JEN. WE WERE JUST...
HOPING TO FIND HER NAKED IN THE RIVER?
YES. NO.
THIS IS RODNEY. WHAT'S UP, LADIES?
WOW.
A NEW FAN.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT TOO DISAPPOINTED, RODNEY.
OF COURSE NOT.
YOU KNOW, DAVID, THIS MAKES TWO STRIKES.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, YOU DIDN'T COME BY YESTERDAY.
JEN AND I JUST HAD TO SATISFY EACH OTHER.
JEN SAID YOU GUYS WERE GOING INTO TOWN.
SILLY, SILLY BOY.
AND TODAY, YOU BROUGHT A FRIEND WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION.
I'M RODNEY.
OKAY, I'M RODNEY.
AMY. AND THIS IS JEN.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THOSE LINES
HAVE BEEN IN THE WATER YET.
SINCE YOU'RE NOT FISHING,
YOU CAN HELP US WITH OUR LAUNDRY.
I'M NOT REALLY A LAUNDRY GUY.
OH, REALLY? THAT'S TOO BAD.
I HAVEN'T TAKEN OFF EVERYTHING I NEED TO WASH JUST YET.
NICE TO SEE YOU HARDLY WORKING, RODNEY.
WELL, I'M KEEPING BUSY.
I SEE THAT.
DAVID UNDERSTANDS HOW TO TREAT WOMEN.
WE CAN BE VERY GRATEFUL TO MEN LIKE HIM.
HEY, DAVID.
DO YOU MIND WASHING THIS, TOO?
MAY I HAVE MY VEST BACK?
NO.
SO, DAVID,
YOU'RE FIRST NATIONS, RIGHT?
MOSTLY.
MOSTLY?
MY GRANDFATHER'S WHITE, BUT I NEVER MET HIM.
WHY?
DAMN GIRL, YOU'RE NOSY.
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T HELP IT.
I WAS RAISED IN THE CITY.
I'M GUESSING IT WASN'T THE PROJECTS.
WHAT TRIBE DO YOU BELONG TO?
ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY HERITAGE.
DO YOU WANNA HEAR MY STORY?
YEAH, PLEASE.
HERE WE GO.
MY GRANDFATHER WAS A RODEO CLOWN
WITH A PENCHANT FOR FOUR-LEGGED COMPANIONSHIP.
HE MET AN UNTIMELY DEMISE WHEN HE WAS CRUSHED BY A BULL.
MY MOTHER GOT KNOCKED UP
BY HER UNIVERSITY FIRST NATIONS T.A.
FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE.
AS SOON AS I WAS BORN,
THEY SPLIT FOR AN ASHRAM IN FRANCE.
MY CHILDHOOD WAS TYPICAL.
TROUT FISHING AND SWEAT LODGES.
EACH SPRING, WE'D MIGRATE DOWN TO THE LOWLANDS
WHERE WE WOULD TRAP MOOSE
AND DANCE NAKED UNDER THE LUNAR ECLIPSES
COMMITTING PAGAN ACTS OF DEFIANCE.
PRETTY STANDARD FIRST NATIONS STUFF, REALLY.
HE'S JERKING YOUR CHAIN, JEN.
DON'T MOCK HIM, AMY.
IT'S ALL TRUE. RIGHT.
IT IS. SERIOUSLY, IT'S ALL TRUE.
TRAPPING MOOSE?
MY GRANDFATHER WAS A RODEO CLOWN WHO GOT CRUSHED BY A BULL.
SHOULD'VE KNOWN.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.
THAT'S SO SAD.
YOUR LIFE IS THE WEIRDEST.
HEY, DAVID.
DAMN, YOU ARE SUCH A TEASE.
WOO.
GOD, YOU GUYS DID A TERRIBLE JOB WASHING.
STILL SMELLS LIKE A BAG OF ASSHOLES.
I DON'T THINK IT'S YOUR CLOTHES.
I THINK SOMETHING DIED IN THE WOODS.
GROSS.
- DUDE. - I TOLD YOU.
OH, SO YOU DON'T WANT US FOR OUR BODIES, JUST OUR POT?
BOTH, PLEASE.
SO, WHAT ARE THESE ORB THINGS?
I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE I SAID, I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE.
IS IT LIKE "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS" KIND OF STUFF
OR LIKE "X-FILES" KIND OF STUFF?
THEY'RE DESCRIBED AS GLOWING BALLS OF LIGHT
THAT MOVE THROUGH THE SKY.
WHAT COLOR ARE THEY?
WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED?
I THOUGHT AMY WAS SHINING A FLASHLIGHT ON ME
WHEN I WAS PEEING AFTER YOU LEFT THE OTHER DAY.
SHE SAID I WAS HALLUCINATING.
YOU THINK IT WAS AN ORB?
COULD BE.
BUT MOST PEOPLE THAT CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN THEM
ARE HALLUCINATING ON A PRETTY REGULAR BASIS.
GREAT.
OH.
WOW.
I LIKE THESE.
MINE.
REALLY?
AMY LIKES TO GO COMMANDO.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
GOT SOMETHING OUT OF MY STUDIES.
A LITTLE MINOR IN HORTICULTURE.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS STICK AROUND FOR DINNER?
WE CAN GET BAKED AND TELL UFO STORIES.
WORKS FOR ME.
THEN THE HAIRY, GROTESQUE ARM
REACHED UNDER HER COVERS TO HER MILKY WHITE BREAST.
SHE TRIED TO SCREAM OUT
BUT WAS OVERCOME BY HIS EXTRATERRESTRIAL LUST
BEING TELEPATHICALLY PROJECTED INTO HER MIND,
AND SHE GRATEFULLY... OH, MAN.
THAT IS WORSE THAN GHOST STORIES
I HEARD AT MIDDLE SCHOOL SLEEPOVERS.
IT'S KIND OF SPOOKY.
I GOT TO PEE.
HELLO, TRUSTY ROCK.
COME ON, GUYS, A LITTLE PRIVACY.
JEEZ, LOUISE, TURN OFF THE FLASHLIGHT!
HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?
BETTER GHOST STORY THAN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS.
I SAW AN ORB.
YOU DIDN'T SEE THE LIGHTS?
NO, NO LIGHTS.
I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN HALLUCINATING AGAIN, SWEETHEART.
BULLSHIT. YOUR SHIT ISN'T THAT GOOD.
I'M FREAKING OUT HERE.
WE'RE LIVING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE,
AND I'M GETTING BUZZED BY ALIEN ORBS.
WAS IT THREATENING?
YEAH, IT HOVERED OVER ME WHILE I WAS PEEING.
I'D HOVER OVER YOU PEEING, WHILE YOU WERE PEEING.
SHUT UP, RODNEY.
I'M GOING TO BED.
BEDTIME.
ALONE.
NO, MAN, I'M GOOD.
DENIED, HUH?
THEY'RE CITY GIRLS.
WE'RE JUST NOT REAL OPTIONS FOR THEM.
I'M NOT WILLING TO GIVE UP THAT EASILY, BUDDY.
I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT GIVING UP.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
BOOM. YEAH.
THAT'S GOOD SHIT.
SURE GOT JEN ALL FREAKED OUT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS WATCHING HER, AND I DON'T THINK
SHE TOOK A REAL DRAG ALL NIGHT.
WHAT, YOU THINK SHE FAKED IT?
SHE SEEMED LIKE SHE WAS REALLY FREAKED.
SHE PROBABLY JUST SAW AN OWL.
CHICKS ARE CRAZY.
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW.
GRANDMA SAID SHE SAW ONE LAST NIGHT.
BRO, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
YOUR GRANDMA IS CRAZIER THAN BAT-SHIT PANCAKES.
I THINK IT'S TIME FOR HAIRY MAN
TO PAY OUR NEW FRIENDS A VISIT.
MAN, JEN GETS SCARED AGAIN
AND I THINK SHE'S JUST GONE.
SO, YOU DON'T THINK THE CHANCE OF A THREE-WAY
IN THE WOODS IS WORTH THE RISK?
THINK ABOUT IT.
HUH?
WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, IT MIGHT WORK.
YEAH, YOU BET YOUR ASS IT'LL WORK, MAN.
AS SOON AS THEY SEE HAIRY MAN, THEY'RE GOING TO BE SO GRATEFUL
FOR YOUR PROTECTION,
THEY'RE GOING TO BE LIKE, "UHHHHH!"
AM I RIGHT? OH, YEAH.
SQUID.
REALLY?
ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU TOMORROW.
DID YOU CATCH ANY FISH?
OH, SHIT!
DID YOU TRIP?
YES, GRANDMA.
I TRIPPED.
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SITTING IN THE DARK?
I'M WATCHING ORBS.
GREAT. MORE ORBS.
NO, JUST ONE.
YOU SAW ANOTHER ORB?
MM-HMM.
I LIKE THE BLUE ONES.
WHAT TIME DID YOU SEE IT?
JUST A FEW HOURS AGO.
IT JUST ZIPPED BY LIKE IT WAS SCARED.
A SCARED ORB?
MM-HMM.
I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING WITH THE LIGHT ON.
SO, DID YOU AND RODNEY GET LAID TONIGHT?
GRANDMA!
NO.
OH.
MAYBE NEXT TIME.
YOU BOTH COULD USE IT.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU KEEP TAKING YOUR MEDS, LOUISE.
I WILL.
HEY, GRANDMA, I JUST NEED TO ASK
THE DOCTOR A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS.
I'M FINE.
WHY DON'T YOU FRESHEN UP
AND I'LL MEET YOU IN THE LOBBY?
FINE, I GET IT.
DON'T LET HIM COMMIT ME, OKAY, SHARON?
I WON'T, LOUISE.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT HER, DOC.
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE.
SHE'S GOING TO OUT-LIVE US BOTH
SO LONG AS SHE KEEPS TAKING HER MEDS.
I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT HER PHYSICAL HEALTH.
SHE'S STARTING TO LIVE LIKE SHE IS IN THE OLD LEGENDS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SHE SAYS SHE'S SEEING ORBS AND...
...HAIRY MAN.
ARE YOU SURE SHE'S NOT SEEING THEM?
THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW SIGHTINGS RECENTLY.
OH, SHE THINKS THAT SHE'S THAT SHE'S SEEING THEM.
SHE'S BEEN A LITTLE ECCENTRIC SINCE I WAS A KID.
I'D ROLL WITH IT.
ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO STOP IT?
I DON'T THINK SHE HAS ANYTHING TO TREAT.
I TELL YOU WHAT,
IF ANYTHING CHANGES, LET ME KNOW,
AND WE'LL EXPLORE SOME OPTIONS.
OKAY.
THANKS.
OF COURSE.
I'M NOT CRAZY.
I NEVER SAID YOU WERE CRAZY, GRANDMA.
BUT YOU THINK I AM.
YOU ARE SEEING THINGS, GRANDMA.
UH-HUH.
HALLUCINATIONS AREN'T REAL.
I'M NOT HALLUCINATING.
YOU ARE SEEING ORBS AND TALKING TO HAIRY MAN.
UH-HUH.
NO ONE ELSE IS SEEING ORBS
OR TALKING TO HAIRY MAN.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE ELSE.
HE'S ON VACATION.
AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT
NO ONE TAKES THE TIME TO LOOK AWAY
FROM THEIR TV LONG ENOUGH
TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THEM.
HAIRY MAN IS ON VACATION?
UH-HUH.
DO ME A FAVOR, ASK IF I CAN TALK TO HIM.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE HE'S ON VACATION,
AND YOU'RE NOT RELAXED.
ALL RIGHT, GRANDMA.
AMY?
JEN?
AMY?
JEN?
THEY'RE NOT HERE.
WELL, THIS SUCKS.
THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST OUT BANGING BANKERS.
WAY TO BE THE OPTIMIST.
I'M A REALIST.
WHATEVER, LET'S JUST GO.
I DON'T KNOW, IT'S GETTING LATE.
THEY'LL PROBABLY BE BACK SOON.
OR THEY JUST LEFT.
GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN SO LONG
CATCHING ALL THESE FISH.
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD YOU, MAN.
THAT'S LIKE TWO DAYS WORTH OF TROUT, NOT DINNER.
OKAY, WHATEVER. LET'S JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
FINE.
THEY WERE DEFINITELY HOPING TO FIND US BOTH NAKED.
SHIT, THEY'RE HERE.
HIDE.
SERIOUSLY?
THEY'RE, LIKE, STANDING IN THE WATER?
OBVIOUSLY, LIKE ,THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
BRAS ARE NOT IN HERE.
OF COURSE I CAN BELIEVE IT,
THEY'RE A COUPLE OF PUNK-ASS JERKS.
HELLO, LADIES.
YOU STARTLED ME.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I JUST CAUGHT SOME NICE FISH
AND THOUGHT I'D BRING THEM BY FOR DINNER.
NICE TIMING. WE JUST WENT TO TOWN FOR GROCERIES.
SO, SEE ANY MORE ORBS LAST NIGHT?
DON'T TEASE ME.
MY GRANDMA SAW SOME LAST NIGHT.
SHE LIKES THE BLUE ONES.
THE ONE I SAW WAS BLUE.
REALLY? YES, REALLY.
I DIDN'T SLEEP A MINUTE LAST NIGHT, AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME
I MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN SOMETHING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST KNOW MY GRANDMA SAW ONE.
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
LOOK, JEN, WE WENT TO TOWN,
YOU'VE HAD YOUR PEDICURE AND YOUR FACIAL,
WE'VE GOT GROCERIES, EVERYTHING IS GOOD.
I'M TELLING YOU BOTH, I SAW SOMETHING.
MAYBE YOU DID.
LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS...
MAYBE SOMEONE'S MESSING WITH US.
AMY.
COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE FUCKER!
OH, MY GOD! DON'T CHASE THAT THING INTO THE WOODS!
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
SHE'LL BE BACK SOON.
SHE COULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.
I'M PRETTY SURE THE CREATURE
IS IN MORE DANGER THAN SHE IS RIGHT NOW.
I'LL KILL YOU! OKAY, OKAY, I GIVE, I GIVE!
RODNEY?
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
BIGFOOT SUIT.
OW, OW, OW! DIRTY BITCH! OW, OW!
THAT DIDN'T TAKE VERY LONG.
AMY?!
RODNEY HERE IS PRETTY OUT OF SHAPE
FOR A YOUNG GUY.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
LOOKS LIKE OUR TWO NEW FRIENDS
WERE TRYING TO SCARE THE HELL OUT OF US.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
IT WAS A BAD IDEA. I'M SORRY.
BAD IDEA? THAT IS WAY BEYOND A BAD IDEA.
OH, JEN, ACCORDING TO RODNEY HERE,
WE SHOULD BE FLATTERED. WHAT?
RODNEY WAS TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM AND HOPING
HE MIGHT SCARE US BOTH INTO DAVID'S ARMS.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
THAT IS THE DUMBEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD!
YOU DON'T GET TO LAUGH.
I GUESS THAT'S SORT OF FLATTERING
IN A PREPUBESCENT SORT OF WAY.
THIS IS QUITE THE PLOT
YOU HATCHED OUT TO GET A LITTLE LOVIN'.
WE JUST FIGURED SINCE JEN SAW THAT ORB THE OTHER NIGHT,
WE'D GIVE IT A SHOT.
WE'VE ACTUALLY BEEN USING THE SAME GAG
FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
YOU MEAN THERE ARE OTHER BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
OUT HERE IN THE WOODS?
WE WISH. YOU GUYS ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS.
I THINK YOU LIKE DOING THAT.
WE'RE SCARING FISHERMEN OUT OF OUR FAVORITE WATERS
AND ATTRACTING THE MEDIA TO...
"BIGFOOT SIGHTINGS" ON CRAPPY WATERS.
YOU'RE KIDDING?
OKAY, SCARING GIRLS INTO SEX, STUPID.
MANIPULATING TOURISTS,
FUCKIN' BRILLIANT.
IT'S WORKING, TOO.
WE WERE ON THE EVENING NEWS A COUPLE OF NIGHTS AGO.
WE'RE REALLY CAREFUL WHO WE CHOOSE.
MOSTLY BUSINESSMEN FROM THE FRONT PLAINS
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO LOOK CRAZY.
KIND OF LIKE PILOTS
- NOT WANTING TO REPORT UFOS. - YEAH.
AND THE NEWS MEDIA ASSUMES LIGHTNING WILL STRIKE
THE SAME PLACE TWICE. EXACTLY.
YOU GUYS JUST MIGHT BE ONTO SOMETHING.
BUT WE CAN DIAL THIS UP A NOTCH
AND REALLY HAVE SOME FUN.
HOW?
I'M JUST, YOU KNOW, WANDERING ALONE IN THE WOODS,
BY MYSELF, LATE AT NIGHT.
OH, MY GOD! THERE IT IS AGAIN!
OH, WHERE IS IT?
WHERE'D IT GO?
OH, MY GOD! I CAN HEAR--
WHERE IS IT COMING FROM?
OH, GOD, IT'S GONNA KILL ME!
I DON'T WANNA DIE, I HAVEN'T HAD SEX YET!
OH, GOD.
DID YOU SEE IT?
I HEAR SOMETHING.
JUST GOT TO BE QUIET.
JUST REALLY QUIET.
OH, GOD.
NO, NO!
OH, MY GOD, WHERE IS IT?!
I'M SO SCARED.
THAT IS AWESOME!
GREAT WORK, AMY.
THANKS.
DAVID?
IT'S A LITTLE CLOSE TO HOME.
I JUST DON'T KNOW IF WE WANT TO DRAW
THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO OURSELVES.
HEY, YOU STARTED THIS LITTLE SCAM.
I KNOW, BUT YOUTUBE?
DON'T BE SUCH A PUSS.
UPLOAD IT.
YOU'RE STILL ON PROBATION, JACKASS.
RODNEY?
IT WAS NOTHING. I WAS JUST BEING
STUPID AND GOT CAUGHT.
FORGET IT.
DOING WHAT?
JOYRIDING.
OOF, YOU ARE A DANGEROUS,
DANGEROUS CRIMINAL.
IN ART'S PATROL CAR,
THROUGH THE POST OFFICE
AND INTO THE RIVER.
OH, MY GOD, REALLY?
YES.
THE OTHER THING HE ISN'T TELLING YOU IS
THAT I WAS WITH HIM, AND HE TOOK ALL THE HEAT
EVEN THOUGH THAT MEANT HE DID A FEW YEARS IN JAIL.
YOU WERE ALREADY 18, BRO, I WAS NOT, SO...
PLUS, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THEY WOULD TRY ME AS AN ADULT?
YEAH.
BRO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET CAUGHT.
LET'S DO THIS.
DAVID?
C'MON!
ALL RIGHT.
YES!
AND AWAY IT GOES.
WE'RE GONNA BE SO FUCKIN' FAMOUS.
OKAY, DID YOU SEE THAT?
OH, GOD...
THAT IS WHAT I SAW.
IT SCARED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME,
BUT OBVIOUSLY IT'S SOME KIND OF HOAX.
HOLY SHIT.
OH, MY GOD.
DAVID, WAKE UP!
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?
I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE HITS ALL NIGHT!
WHAT? THE YOUTUBE HITS!
WE'RE OVER 500,000 AND RISING FAST!
OH, SHIT!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH, SHIT"? THIS IS AWESOME!
GO, GET YOUR CLOTHES ON. WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
JUST GIVE ME ONE SECOND.
OKAY. OH, NICE.
NEW SUIT LOOKS GOOD, RODNEY.
WHY, THANK YOU.
OKAY, EVERYONE, SYNCHRONIZE YOUR ALARMS
FOR EXACTLY FIVE MINUTES FROM NOW.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, RODNEY,
JUST TAKE YOUR CUES FROM DAVID AND JEN.
I WANT YOU TO WORK YOUR WAY UPSTREAM
TO THAT BEND AND STAY OUT OF SIGHT.
I'M GOING TO MAKE MY WAY DOWN TO THE NEWS CREW.
DAVID, CROSS THE RIVER ABOVE THAT BEND
AND THEN WORK YOUR WAY HALF WAY
BETWEEN RODNEY AND THE NEWS CREW DOWNSTREAM.
STAY HIDDEN.
I'M PRETTY SURE THIS WAS
MY SCAM TO START WITH.
WELL, WE'RE DIALING IT UP A NOTCH.
SO YOU'VE SAID.
C'MON, LET'S GO!
THIS IS GONNA BE GONNA BE GREAT.
OKAY, DUDE, MEDIUM SHOT
THEN YOU PAN OVER TO THE RIVER. READY?
THREE, TWO, ONE.
HORROR IN THE HIGH COUNTRY
WHERE ONE NAME STRIKES FEAR
IN THE HEARTS OF ALL THE RESIDENTS HERE
ON THE SOUTH FORK RIVER. SWEETHEART!
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M SO LONELY, SWEETY! CUT, CUT, CUT.
WHERE ARE YOU?! EXCUSE ME, MISS, MISS?
SWEETY? HI, HONEY, LISTEN. HI.
WE'RE WORKING ON AN IMPORTANT STORY.
JUST GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES, OKAY?
OH... OKAY.
KEEP GOING. HERE WE GO.
THREE, TWO, ONE.
WHERE JUST THE NAME, BIGFOOT, CAN STRIKE...
SWEETY!
CUT. HONEYBUN!
SWEETHEART, LOVER, WHERE ARE YOU?
MISS, MISS, LISTEN, WE'RE DOING A BIGFOOT STORY, OKAY?
OH. IT'S THE STORY OF THE DECADE.
AND IT'S GOING TO GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN, SO...
OKAY, BUT I NEED TO TALK TO HIM, TOO.
WELL, WE ALL DO, HONEY. IT'S, YOU KNOW, WHAT WE DO.
BUT--SO PLEASE JUST... NO, NO, YOU SEE,
I'M CARRYIN' HIS BABY,
AND I WANNA SURPRISE HIM WITH THE GOOD NEWS.
REALLY?
ROLL IT! HONEY, LISTEN.
AREN'T YOU PRECIOUS. C'MON OVER HERE.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS.
AND SO WHAT IS YOUR NAME, PRINCESS?
OH, MOON.
MOON. LIKE, LIKE...
LIKE THE MOON?
YEAH, LIKE THE MOON.
OKAY, HONEY. SO, WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED?
UM, WELL, I DON'T USUALLY KISS AND TELL.
OKAY. BUT... YOU KNOW, LET ALONE, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW. WE TALK ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT.
HERE'S WHAT WE NEED TO DO. WE'RE GOING TO PUT YOU ON TV
SO OUR NICE TV AUDIENCE CAN HEAR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.
OKAY? OH, OKAY.
YOU WANT TO DO THAT? OH, I WILL.
I JUST DIDN'T WANNA RUIN THE SURPRISE BUT...
NO, I KNOW, BUT DOES HE HAVE A TV?
I DON'T THINK SO. NO, I GUESS NOT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. HE DOESN'T HAVE TV. OKAY.
WELL, LET'S--LET'S-- YOU WANNA GO ON TV?
OKAY, JUST ACT NATURAL. SURE. ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
ARE WE ROLLING? WE ROLLING?
HERE WE GO, ACT NATURAL.
THREE, TWO, ONE,
42 ACTION NEWS HAS EXCLUSIVELY LEARNED
THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO THIS BIGFOOT STORY.
YEAH, SO I WAS USING THIS SPECIAL FLY THIS WEEKEND.
THANKS, BUDDY.
IT'S CALLED THE STIMULATOR.
POOR THING WHO JUST TOLD ME MOMENTS AGO,
YOU ARE WITH A CHILD. YES. YES.
YOU ARE CARRYING...
IT'S A SPIRITUAL LOVE CHILD FROM GAIA.
GOD DAMN IT.
WELL, SEE, I WAS NAKED,
COMMUNING WITH GAIA, YOU KNOW, MOTHER EARTH...
YEAH, MITCH, GET YOUR TV ON.
YES, CHANNEL 42.
YES, IT'S THE SAME GIRL FROM THAT YOUTUBE VIDEO.
YEAH, COUPLE A TIMES.
AND--BUT, YOU KNOW, HE WAS DRAWN TO ME.
AND I WAS AFRAID AND RESISTED, BUT...
AFTER A WHILE...
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
- WHAT WAS THAT?! - OH, SWEETY...
IT'S ME, YOUR LOVER! I HAVE WONDERFUL NEWS!
DUDE, ARE YOU-- ARE YOU GETTING THIS?
OH, HIS FRIENDS MUST BE HERE, TOO.
HE HAS FRIENDS? DON'T BE SHY.
- ARE YOU GETTING THIS? - COME ON OUT, SWEETY,
I'VE GOT WONDERFUL NEWS!
OH, MY GOD, I THOUGHT SHE WAS KIDDING.
OH, THERE HE IS!
OH MY--WHAT IS THAT?!
OH, THERE'S MY CLUMSY LOVER!
OH, MY--ARE YOU ROLLING? ROLL ON THIS! ROLL!
GOD DAMN IT! HE'S AVOIDING ME!
ROLL, C'MON!
ROLL, ROLL.
COME ON. OH, MY GOD.
YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!
YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, MISTER.
OH, OH, OW!
LOCAL FINANCIAL MOGUL,
BILL WILLIAMS, IS REPORTEDLY
AMONG THOSE TO HAVE ENCOUNTERED
THE CREATURE RECENTLY.
EFFORTS TO CONTACT MR. WILLIAMS HAVE GONE UNANSWERED.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE LOOKING AT!
HEY, DAVID, WHAT'S UP?
GOT SOME FLIES.
AW, MAN, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
ALL THESE BIGFOOT SIGHTINGS? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SWARMING IN HERE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE KEEPING PEOPLE AWAY,
BUT THEY ARE SWARMING IN LIKE BLACK FLIES.
I'M LOW ON EVERYTHING.
SPEAKING OF THE DEVIL.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU GENTLEMEN TODAY?
WE NEED TO GET EQUIPPED FOR FISHING.
COOL, COOL, IS THAT CLOTHES?
RODS? EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING IT IS. LET ME FINISH UP WITH DAVID HERE,
AND I'LL GET RIGHT TO YOU GUYS.
WE SAW YOU ON THE EVENING NEWS, MR. OTTERTALE.
HOW'D YOU-- HOW 'BOUT STORE CREDIT, DAVID?
I KIND OF NEED THE CASH.
I'LL BEAT YOU UP.
FOR GRANDMA.
MAN, THAT'S LOW. ALL RIGHT, FOR GRANDMA.
WE HOPE TO SEE BIGFOOT OURSELVES. MM-HMM.
YUP, EVERYBODY WANTS TO SEE BIGFOOT.
I'LL GET YOU GUYS ALL SET UP,
AND YOU CAN JUST GO FIND HIM YOURSELF.
THANKS, DAVID. KEEP 'EM COMIN'.
SO, GENTLEMEN, FLY-FISHING
IS AN ART FORM IN ITS TRUEST SENSE. BUT AS WITH ANY ART FORM...
WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND, MR. OTTERTALE?
RC'S YOUR MAN.
SEE YOU AROUND, DAVID.
SEE YOU AROUND.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT'S GOING ON.
WHAT'S THIS? IT'S MY BLOG.
WHAT BLOG?
THE "I AM HAVING BIGFOOT'S BABY" BLOG.
YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE
THE CRAZIES COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK.
NO MORE HAIRY MAN?
"BIGFOOT'S BABY BLOG" JUST SOUNDED BETTER THAN "HAIRY MAN BABY."
AND WE HAVE OVER A MILLION HITS ON YOUTUBE.
WE'RE FAMOUS. OH, I LOVE THIS ONE.
"I HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS SEVERAL TIMES MYSELF
"AND HAVE TWO HALF ALIEN/HUMAN HYBRID CHILDREN AS A RESULT.
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO START A MOMMY AND ME GROUP
FOR ALIEN AND CRYPTO CHILDREN?"
WOW!
AMY IS HAVING MY LOVE CHILD.
WELL, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO.
DAVID BLEW IT WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE.
OH, HERE'S A GOOD ONE.
"I THINK I'M BI,
"BUT I'M NOT READY TO TRY MENAGE-A-TROIS,
"SPELLED T-W-A,
"WITH A HOMOSAPIEN MALE YET.
DO YOU THINK BIGFOOT WOULD BE INTERESTED?"
I GIVE SECOND CHANCES.
I SAW THIS ON THE INTERNET. I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
COPYING BAD IDEAS OFF THE INTERNET?
THE INTERNET IS A GREAT SOURCE FOR INSPIRATION.
SOMEONE'S EVENTUALLY GOING TO REALIZE
HAIRY MAN DOESN'T WEAR WADING BOOTS.
WHATEVER, YOU GUYS GO MAKE YOUR FOOTPRINTS.
I'M GONNA GO CATCH GRANDMA SOME FISH.
I THOUGHT YOU BROUGHT HER A BUNCH YESTERDAY?
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE IS DOING WITH THEM,
BUT SHE IS GOING THROUGH THEM AS QUICK AS I CAN CATCH THEM.
CAN I COME?
WHERE? FISHING.
OH, GIRL, YOU HATE FISHING.
LET'S GO, HAIRY MAN.
BIGGER STEPS. THEY CAN'T LOOK LIKE A HUMAN STRIDE.
- LET ME DO IT, WOMAN. - THEN DO IT RIGHT!
C'MON, LET'S GO.
BIGGER! BIGGER!
YEAH, THAT'S IT. YEAH.
LET'S GO CATCH SOME FISH.
HEY, KID!
HEY! LOOK!
WHOA.
SO MUCH FOR FISHING.
OKAY, THAT'S COLD.
WOW, THEY SAY ROCKY AND MOUNTAIN,
THEY REALLY MEAN COLD, DON'T THEY?
WOOO! OH, SHRINKAGE!
WHOO.
WHOA. HA HA!
I SAW THAT PICTURE OF YOURS ON THE NEWS. NICE WORK.
THANKS, BUT A PROFESSIONAL WOULD KNOW IT WASN'T VERY GOOD.
I KIND OF SCREWED UP.
NAH, YOU, YOU GOT THE SHOT.
I'M JEN. HEY, I'M CHARLIE.
ARE YOU PART OF DAVID'S TRIBE?
NO, I'M FROM CALIFORNIA.
YOU'RE A PHOTOGRAPHER?
WE COULD BE NEIGHBORS.
I'M FROM ORANGE COUNTY. O.C!
O.C.!
ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN AN ACCOUNTANT FOR 20 YEARS,
BUT AS SOON AS I TOOK THAT FIRST PICTURE,
I KNEW MY TRUE CALLING.
SO NOW I'M A WILDLIFE PHOTOGRAPHER.
GOOD THING. YOU'RE JUST-- YOU'RE SO SNEAKY.
THANKS.
I FIGURED THE HARDEST ANIMAL TO GET
IS HAIRY MAN, BIGFOOT,
WHATEVER, SO HERE I AM.
HERE YOU ARE.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HIM TODAY, HAVE YOU?
NOT TODAY.
BUT THERE ARE SOME TRACKS LEADING THAT WAY.
OH, HELL! THANKS!
GO GET 'EM, CHARLIE!
WHOO! THIS IS...
HEY!
HEY! HOW ARE THE TRACKS?
THIS GUY WITH LIKE FIVE CAMERAS
ACTUALLY STARTED FOLLOWING US.
WE LED HIM IN CIRCLES FOR OVER AN HOUR.
WE FINALLY HAD TO CROSS THE RIVER A FEW TIMES
AND THEN DOUBLE BACK JUST TO GET AWAY FROM HIM.
CHARLIE. WHAT?
HE'S THE GUY WHO TOOK THAT FIRST PHOTO THAT ENDED UP EVERYWHERE.
THAT'S TOO FUNNY!
HEY. HOW WAS THE FISHIN'?
WE CAUGHT A LOT OF FISH.
REALLY?
WHEW.
AND THE GAME JUST GOT INTERESTING.
THAT WAS THEM.
OBVIOUSLY.
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I'M GOING TO GO CHECK ON GRANDMA.
GRANDMA'S FINE.
IT'S GOING TO BE A FULL MOON TONIGHT,
AND I'M FEELING KIND OF ROMANTIC.
THAT'S A REALLY GREAT OFFER BUT...
HEY, GUYS. WHAT'S UP?
HEY.
WE WENT FISHING THIS AFTERNOON. YOU?
OH. WE MADE ARRANGEMENTS
TO DIAL IT UP ANOTHER NOTCH.
YEAH, BABY!
WE ARE GOING TO FAKE
A UFO LANDING! WHAT?!
RODNEY AND I BOUGHT A BUNCH OF WEATHER BALLOONS, SOME HELIUM,
A COUPLE OF REMOTE CONTROL UNITS,
AND SOME COLOR CHANGING L.E.D. LIGHTS.
WE'RE GOING TO FLOAT THEM
IN THAT CLEARING OUTSIDE OF TOWN
AND SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE!
IT'LL BE THE PERFECT FINALE TO OUR YOUTUBE SERIES!
AMY, HOW DID YOU PAY FOR ALL THIS UFO STUFF?
I USED YOUR CREDIT CARD. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
AND HOW MUCH DID EVERYTHING COST?
SLIGHTLY UNDER 10 K.
JEN'S LOADED, BRA.
GOD DAMN IT! WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS!
I HAVE NO PROBLEM PAYING FOR OUR LIVING SUPPLIES!
BUT $10,000 ON TOYS? WHAT THE FRIK!
SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE, RIGHT?
BESIDES YOU'RE JUST AS INTO THIS AS I AM.
YOU PAID FOR THE NEW HAIRY MAN SUIT.
NO, I'M NOT.
IT HAS BEEN FUN, BUT A COUPLE HUNDRED BUCKS
IS A HELL OF A LOT DIFFERENT THAN 10,000 FUCKING DOLLARS!
SLIGHTLY LESS THAN 10,000 FUCKING DOLLARS!
AND SINCE WHEN DID YOU GIVE A SHIT?
SINCE I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND STARTED DISCOVERING MY ROOTS,
THAT'S SINCE WHEN! I AM NOT...
SHUT UP, DAVID! YOU TELL HIM, BABY!
FUCK YOU, RODNEY! WELL, TAKE IT EASY, BUDDY.
OBVIOUSLY I'M GOING TO SIDE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.
AND WHO DO YOU THINK IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?!
YOU. OH, NO, DUDE,
I AM SO NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
OKAY, I WANT YOU TO LEAVE
SO THAT I CAN BE ALONE WITH DAVID
SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS.
YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE? YES!
FINE! NO, NO DON'T LEAVE.
WHY NOT, BRO? YOUR GIRLY FRIEND IS BEING A BITCH TO MINE.
SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND! I AM NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN STANDING OUT
IN THAT RIVER WITH YOU BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE COLD
AND WET AND COVERED WITH FISH!
AND I SURE AS HELL HAVEN'T BEEN DRIVING YOU AROUND ALL DAY BECAUSE I WANTED TO!
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
DO YOU GUYS SMELL FISH?
I HAVE BEEN SMELLING FISH FOR A WEEK NOW.
NOT LIKE THAT. I MEAN LIKE STALE FISH.
AH,
JESUS, YOU'RE A BRANCH.
YOU'RE A BRANCH.
OW! PRICKLY!
GRANDMA, THIS IS AMY AND JEN. HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO, GRANDMA OTTERTALE.
HELLO, RODNEY.
DID YOU BRING ANY FISH?
HAIRY MAN LIKES FISH.
YES, WE DISCOVERED THAT.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COOKIES?
OH, NO, THANK YOU.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY ANYWAY.
BUT WHITE PEOPLE LIKE COOKIES.
THANKS, GRANDMA.
WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE ORBS AND HAIRY MAN.
ARE THEY ALIENS?
ARE THE ORBS AND HAIRY MAN TOGETHER?
OR DO THEY JUST COINCIDE WITH EACH OTHER?
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
CALIFORNIA.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
GRANDMA, WE SAW HAIRY MAN.
AND IT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF US.
WHY?
WELL, A THREE-FINGERED CREATURE JUST CAME AND TOOK OUR FISH.
HE LIKES FISH.
YES, WE GATHERED THAT.
WE JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE IS
AND WHERE HE CAME FROM.
WHY?
GRANDMA OTTERTALE...
PLEASE, CALL ME LOUISE.
WHY THE FUCK DO THEY ALWAYS CALL ME GRANDMA?
I'M ONLY 55.
SORRY, GRANDMA.
OKAY, LOUISE, IT'S JUST--
IT'S IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT CALLS SO MANY THINGS INTO PLAY.
LIKE, WHERE ARE WE FROM, WHY ARE WE HERE?
KNOWING SOME OF THOSE ANSWERS WOULD HELP US UNDERSTAND
OUR PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE.
AMY'S GOT HER DEGREE IN PHILOSOPHY.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
SEE THOSE GEESE?
DO YOU EVER WONDER WHY THERE'S MORE
ON THE RIGHT SIDE THAN THE LEFT SIDE?
IT'S BECAUSE MORE GEESE DECIDED TO FLY ON THAT SIDE
THAN THE OTHER SIDE.
I'M SORRY. I DON'T FOLLOW YOU.
YOU'RE LOOKING TOO HARD.
OKAY. THERE MUST BE A REASON WHY ALL THIS IS HAPPENING.
HE'S JUST FISHING.
WHAT?
IT'S GOOD FISHING HERE.
OH, MY GOD.
HE'S A TOURIST?
IT'S LIKE ALL THE WEEKEND WARRIORS
IN DAVID AND RODNEY'S FISHING HOLES.
HE'S HERE TO FISH, AND HE WANTS
TO AVOID THE LOCALS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
THEY'VE BEEN COMING A LONG TIME.
WELL, HOW LONG? A LONG TIME.
I'M GONNA TAKE SOME FISH TO HIM TONIGHT IF YOU WANNA ASK HIM.
BUT HE DOESN'T TALK.
WHY ARE YOU TAKING AN ALIEN FISHERMAN FISH?
I DON'T THINK THIS ONE'S VERY GOOD AT IT.
OH, LOUISE, THAT'S OUR HOME.
UH-HUH, YOU'RE NEIGHBORS.
THAT'S THE DEN RIGHT THERE.
WE LIVE NEXT TO HAIRY MAN?
I GUESS SO.
IS HE IN THERE?
HE'S SHY.
I'LL GO UP FIRST SO HE KNOWS IT'S OKAY.
I HOPE YOU CAUGHT FISH TODAY.
BUT I BROUGHT SOME MORE JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T.
I BROUGHT SOME FRIENDS WITH ME, TOO.
THIS IS MY GRANDSON, DAVID.
HELLO.
AND HIS FRIEND, RODNEY.
WHAT'S UP, HAIRY MAN?
AND THEIR GIRLFRIENDS, JEN AND AMY.
OH, WE'RE NOT THEIR GIRLFRIENDS.
WE THOUGHT WE'D COME BY
AND WELCOME YOU TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
JEN AND I LIVE NEXT DOOR, I GUESS.
YOU WERE AT OUR HOME EARLIER.
MAY I?
SURE.
I CAN'T SEE HIM.
HE'S SHY.
HAIRY MAN'S A GIRL.
HAIRY GIRL?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
SHE COULD BE.
SHE'S A LOT BIGGER THAN MOST OF THEM.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
I DON'T KNOW. IT POPPED INTO MY HEAD.
MUST BE SOME SORT OF ALIEN PHEROMONE.
THERE'S A LOT OF PHEROMONE AROUND HERE TONIGHT.
I DON'T LIKE THIS.
WHAT'S UP?!
GET DOWN!
OW!
IT'S A BLACKHAWK.
IF HE'S OUT HERE THIS LATE, HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING.
THEY'VE GOT NIGHT VISION, FORWARD-LOOKING INFRARED,
AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ABOUT.
I JUST HOPE THEY DIDN'T SEE THE LIGHT COMING OUT OF THE DEN.
HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ALL THAT?
I GREW UP IN GERMANY
AT THE ARMY'S HELICOPTER COMMAND HQ.
YEAH, A LOT OF HIPPIE CHICKS ON MILITARY BASES, RIGHT?
I'M NOT BIG ON AUTHORITY.
WHY ARE WE HIDING?
WHO'S BEEN MAKING ALL THE HEADLINES?
US!
WE JUST LED THE MILITARY TO HAIRY GIRL BY ACCIDENT.
SHE'S ALONE.
ALL SHE COULD DO IS HIDE
IF THEY COME LOOKING FOR HER.
SHE WAS DROPPED OFF.
SHE HAS TO WAIT FOR HER FRIENDS.
I'M AFRAID THEY WON'T COME IF THEY'RE BEING CHASED BY THE ARMY.
AND THE SEARCH CONTINUES FOR A CITY MAN,
- CHARLIE MURPHY. - YEAH.
FRIENDS SAY AFTER PURCHASING A NEW CAMERA...
UH-HUH. - ...HE HAD BECOME OBSESSED
WITH PHOTOGRAPHING THE ELUSIVE
BIGFOOT OF SOUTH FORK.
WHEN I WAS TAKING COURSES
AT THE ARAPAHONSUIT COMMUNITY COLLEGE,
MY PROFESSOR TOLD ME THERE THAT THE THING YOU NEED TO DO
IS FIND YOUR COMPOSITION, FIX YOUR LENS
AND THEN EVERYTHING ELSE HAPPENS IN PHOTOSHOPING AFTERWARDS.
AND WHY HAVEN'T YOU ARRESTED THEM?
...TO FLY SEARCH AND RESCUE OPERATIONS DAY AND NIGHT...
NO, NO. LISTEN. I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
BECAUSE SOME OF THESE STUPID SONS A BITCHES
ARE GETTING LOST IN THE WOODS TRYING TO FIND THIS HOAX,
THAT'S WHY!
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
FRIENDS ARE VERY CONCERNED.
HE HAS VERY LITTLE EXPERIENCE IN THE WILDERNESS,
BARELY KNEW HOW TO OPERATE HIS NEW CAMERA,
AND THEY HOPE HE HAD NOT BEEN DRINKING.
FINE, THEN WE'LL SET UP A STING
AND CATCH THEM IN THE ACT,
WHATEVER YOU FBI GUYS DO.
OF COURSE I'LL PARTICIPATE!
KNOCK, KNOCK.
GO AWAY, RODNEY.
DON'T BE SUCH A BITCH.
COME ON IN, RODNEY.
MIND IF WE TALK?
ABOUT WHAT?
ABOUT YOU BEING A TEASE.
PISS OFF, RODNEY.
HE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT.
YOU ARE A TEASE.
I'M A TEASE?
YEAH, YOU ARE.
I SEE. WELL, I GUESS THAT'S BETTER THAN BEING DELUSIONAL.
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
BOTH OF YOU.
YOU FOR THINKING THAT YOU STOOD A CHANCE WITH ME,
AND YOU FOR THINKING THAT YOU STOOD A CHANCE WITH DAVID.
OH, COME ON, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU'D BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
YOU'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER.
OH, AMY.
LOUISE.
I'M SORRY, I WAS LOOKING FOR DAVID.
UM, HE'S IN HIS ROOM.
DO YOU MIND IF I COME IN?
NO, NO, NO, COME ON IN.
COOKIES?
OH, NO, THANKS.
I'M SORRY, WHERE IS HE?
UPSTAIRS.
THANKS.
DAVID?
AMY. WHAT'S UP?
RODNEY CAME BY TO CALL ME A TEASE
AND THEN JEN JOINED IN AND CALLED ME A TEASE, SO I LEFT
AND NOW I'M PISSED OFF BECAUSE I'M NOT A TEASE,
AND I SHOULD HAVE MADE THEM BOTH APOLOGIZE.
WHY ARE YOU SMILING?
WELL, YOU-YOU ARE A TEASE.
YOU JERK.
LOOK, I CAME HERE--
I KNOW. I CAN'T HELP IT.
IT'S COOL.
I KIND OF LIKE IT.
REALLY?
YEAH, IT'S...KIND OF HOT.
YES.
WHAT A CIVILIAN.
WHAT IS HE DOING?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
THE STUPID SON OF A BITCH IS HERE.
HE'S POINTING AT SOMETHING.
DO YOU SEE ANYTHING?
NOTHING THAT I CAN SEE.
STINKS DOWN HERE.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?
HE'S SNEAKING UP ON SOMETHING.
IS THE CAMERA ROLLING?
OF COURSE.
GOTCHA!
JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT?!
WHAT THE HELL IS IT?!
SOME SORT OF-- SOME SORT OF CREATURE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE.
IT JUST VANISHED. WHAT DO YOU MEAN VANISHED?!
I MEAN, I HAD IT IN FRAME,
THERE WAS THIS WEIRD FLASH AND IT VANISHED.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CLOAK.
LET ME SEE THAT.
SEE IT?
YOU PRESSED OFF INSTEAD OF ON.
GOD DAMN IT.
WE'VE GOT 40 MINUTES
OF BILL FUCKING FISHING
AND NO EVIDENCE.
YOU ASSHOLE!
STREAMS ALL LEAD TO CIVILIZATION.
WHY CAN'T I FIND CIVILIZATION?
I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU.
COME ON.
COME ON. I GOT IT.
I GOT IT.
I GOT IT!
WHOA, SOMETHING'S GOING ON.
I'M GOING TO CHECK IT OUT.
OH, PLEASE DON'T, FUZZY BEAR. RELAX.
WHAT HAVE WE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS?
HAVING CRAZY SEX, SUGAR PLUM.
SO WE HAVE AN ALIBI.
HEY, ART. YOU KNOW, I WOULD STILL
LOVE TO DRIVE THAT NEW CAR OF YOURS.
MR. JOBS, SO NICE OF YOU TO SHOW UP.
YOU!
BILL'S HAD ANOTHER BIGFOOT SIGHTING.
I WAS SURE YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BUDDY WERE FUCKING WITH ME.
IN THE NEWS, EVERY TIME THERE WAS A SIGHTING,
BUT HAIRY MAN, IS FUCKING REAL!
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD YOU, MAN!
HE JUST SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME,
AND THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY
THAT WAS A PUNK-ASS KID IN A SUIT.
WHO ARE THOSE TWO WANKERS OVER THERE?
CLAIM TO BE FBI.
HUH, WELL, COOL.
GOOD LUCK, BILL. YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
PEOPLE! HEY!
I GOT A PICTURE OF HAIRY MAN!
HEY, HEY, I GOT A PICTURE OF MY HAIRY MAN!
I'M A REAL GODDAMN WILDLIFE PHOTOGRAPHER!
LET ME SEE IT!
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
OH, MY GOD, FBI?
SHIT.
THINK WE'RE IN TROUBLE? OH, I KNOW WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH.
WE GOT TO FIND DAVID.
OH, HOLD ON, IT MUST HAVE JUST RUN OUT OF BATTERIES.
OH, WAIT. NO, SHIT.
OH, SHIT, THAT WAS MY LAST ONE.
GOD DAMN IT!
WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE PANTS? THOSE ARE AWESOME.
I COULD REALLY DO SOME HIDING IN THE WILD WITH THOSE.
WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?
HI, LOUISE.
HI.
HEY, GRANDMA, DAVID AROUND?
HIM AND AMY ARE UPSTAIRS MAKING NOISE.
OH, REALLY?
OUT OF BED, ASSHOLE!
HEY, GUYS. WHAT'S UP?
ARE YOU UP THERE BANGING MY GIRLFRIEND?
COME ON OUT, AMY.
WE HOOKED UP, TOO.
NICE!
BUT SERIOUSLY, GET DRESSED, WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
WHAT'S UP?
YOU GUYS CUT IT WAY TOO CLOSE THIS TIME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WE JUST LEFT THE LANDING,
AND THE SAME GUY THAT WE SCARED A COUPLE WEEKS AGO
WAS LYING ON HIS BACK
RAMBLING ABOUT HAIRY MAN TO ART.
RING A BELL? WHAT?
YEAH, THE TWO FBI GUYS
AND CHARLIE WERE THERE AS WELL.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY PULLED A SCAM WITHOUT US,
AND YOU GOT WAY TOO CLOSE THIS TIME.
WE'VE BEEN INSIDE FOR AT LEAST...
TWO HOURS.
SHIT, YOU DON'T THINK...
I THINK THEY SAW OUR LITTLE FRIEND FOR REAL.
WE GOT TO GO CHECK ON HER.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WE'RE GOING TO HER DEN TO MAKE SURE SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S LEAVING TONIGHT. IT'S THE FULL MOON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
THEY ALWAYS LEAVE ON THE FULL MOON.
IS SHE ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S SCARED, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?!
TO HER DEN, GRANDMA.
SHE'S NOT THERE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
SHIT, WOULD I BE SITTING HERE FOR NOTHING?
I'M JUST SITTING HERE TRYING TO CHILL
WITH HER, YOU KNOW?
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE FISH?
SHE'S HUNGRY.
YEP, I THINK SHE'S A STRESS EATER.
OH, COMPANY.
NICE CAR, ART.
NOT NOW, RODNEY.
NEED ANY HELP?
NO, THANKS. JUST A RACCOON.
SOUNDS LIKE A BIG ONE.
IF YOU ALL ARE THINKING ABOUT GETTING INTO ANY MORE TROUBLE,
I WOULDN'T.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HEY, ART?
OH, NOTHING REALLY.
IT'S JUST THAT I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW
THERE'S A LOT OF FEDS AROUND
ASKING A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU FOUR.
HEY, ART.
HUH, THAT'S WEIRD. I WONDER WHY?
THE ARMY AND THOSE TWO FBI GUYS ARE ASKING FOR YOU.
YEAH, I WONDER WHY.
LOOKS LIKE THE CAVALRY'S HERE.
THEY'RE STAGING SOMETHING AT THE HIGH SCHOOL.
I GOT TO GO OVER AND MAKE SURE EVERYBODY BEHAVES.
HEY, ART, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
BE GOOD.
DRIVE SAFE.
SHIT, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO?
WE'VE GOT HAIRY GIRL UNDER THE PORCH
AND COPS EVERYWHERE.
SHE HAS TO LEAVE TONIGHT.
WHERE DOES SHE NEED TO BE?
AT HER CAMPSITE.
WHAT? SO, WE HAVE THE COPS,
THE FEDS, AND APPARENTLY THE ARMY
BETWEEN US AND WHERE SHE NEEDS TO GO.
GREAT.
WE NEED A DIVERSION.
WHAT WE NEED IS NOT TO DRAW
ANY MORE ATTENTION TO OURSELVES.
NO, IF WE GIVE THEM WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR,
THEY WON'T STUMBLE ON HER BY MISTAKE.
WE'LL PUT ON THE FAKE UFO LANDING
LIKE RODNEY AND I PLANNED.
SO, YOU WANNA LURE THEM TO A HOAX ON TRIBAL LAND?
WE'LL HAVE TO GIVE THEM BIGFOOT AS WELL, RODNEY.
THIS ISN'T A BUNCH OF FUCKING TOURISTS ANYMORE.
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO JAIL.
OR GET SHOT. YEAH.
OKAY, FINE. I WILL WEAR THE SUIT.
DAMN, YOU GUYS ARE SUCH WUSSES.
I WEAR THE SUIT AROUND HERE.
I WILL DO IT. NO, YOU'RE NOT.
IT'S A BAD IDEA.
LURING THE FEDS AND THE ARMY CAVALRY
TO TRIBAL GROUND IS NOT AN OPTION.
LAST TIME IT HAPPENED AROUND HERE, IT ENDED BADLY.
RODNEY, GET DRESSED AND RUN AROUND TOWN.
THE REST OF US WILL SEND UP THE LIGHTS AND BALLOONS
AS SOON AS YOU CAN HIDE AND TEXT US.
THEY'LL SEE OUR UFO, AND THEY'LL ALL COME UP TO THE CLEARING.
I'M TELLING YOU NO.
RELAX, CHIEF.
I'M AN ARMY BRAT, SO THE WORST THEY'LL DO IS CALL MY FATHER
AND THE JOINT CHIEFS OR SOMETHING.
EVERYBODY ELSE CAN HIDE.
WHAT?
YOU'RE FUCKING OUT OF LINE!
AND THIS NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED!
EXCUSE ME?
I HAD THIS NICE LITTLE SCAM GOING ON
UNTIL YOU TOURISTS GOT INVOLVED
AND BLEW THE WHOLE THING UP
WITH YOUR YOUTUBE VIDEOS
AND YOUR BIGFOOT BABY CRAP!
SO THIS IS MY FAULT?
MOSTLY YOURS AND JEN'S.
OH, HOLD ON, I DIDN'T WANT...
SHUT THE HELL UP, JEN!
RELAX, OKAY? JUST RELAX.
IT'S AN ACCIDENT. ALL OF US ARE IN ON IT.
WE JUST HAVE TO FIX IT, IT'S FINE.
RODNEY, FUCK YOU, TOO!
YOU'RE JUST AS MUCH OF A TOURIST AS THEY ARE!
BRO, REMEMBER WHEN I LIVE 5 MINUTES
DOWN THE ROAD FROM YOU AND I'VE SEEN YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY
SINCE WE WERE 6 YEARS OLD. YOU'RE SCARING HER.
YOU'VE BEEN SQUATTING ON TRIBAL LAND
LONGER THAN THEY HAVE! SO WHAT?!
SQUATTING? ENOUGH!
OKAY, I'M SORRY YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
BUT I AM STICKING TO THE PLAN.
NOW, YOU AND LOUISE CAN GET HER HOME
AS SOON AS YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY.
NICE TO HAVE MET YOU, LOUISE, TAKE CARE OF HER.
UNBELIEVABLE.
HUH.
WHAT, GRANDMA?
MUST BE THE RODEO CLOWN IN YOU.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GET THEIR ATTENTION.
AS SOON AS THEY ARE FOLLOWING YOU, JUMP IN THE BUSHES AND TEXT US.
WE'LL SEND UP THE BALLOONS AND THEN YOU CAN DITCH THE SUIT.
ALL RIGHT.
JEN WILL MEET YOU LATER AT HOME LATER, OKAY?
YOU GOT IT? GOT IT.
HEY.
BE CAREFUL.
GO GET 'EM, BABY!
YOU KNOW YOU WERE A JERK.
THANKS, GRANDMA.
YOU REALLY NEED TO APOLOGIZE.
I NEED TO APOLOGIZE?
UH-HUH.
SHE CALLED ME CHIEF.
WHICH IS A TITLE OF RESPECT.
SHE SHOULD HAVE CALLED YOU TONTO.
IT MEANS STUPID.
SOMETHING WRONG WITH OUR PLAN, OFFICER?
WHERE SHOULD I BEGIN?
THIS IS STANDARD FEDERAL RESPONSE
TO A THREAT TO HOMELAND SECURITY, SO...
I'VE READ THE BOOK.
JUST THINK THAT IT'S OVERKILL
FOR A BEAR SIGHTING.
OVERKILL?
YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT CREATURE.
I ASSURE YOU THIS IS NOT OVERKILL.
FINE, JUST MAKE SURE YOU WRITE IN YOUR REPORT
THAT I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE A MISTAKE
TO CALL IN THE MILITARY
OVER A BEAR SIGHTING.
IT WAS NOT A BEAR.
AGENT WESSON, IT'S ALWAYS A BEAR.
ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?
THERE IT IS!
THAT'S NOT A BEAR!
LET'S GO!
NOPE, JUST A DUMB-ASS.
I CAN NOT BELIEVE I SCREWED THIS UP SO MUCH.
DAVID SCREWED UP. YOU TRIED TO APOLOGIZE.
NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT DAVID.
OKAY, THEN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HAIRY GIRL.
THEY'VE BEEN COMING HERE FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG
WITHOUT ANY PROBLEMS UNTIL WE SCREWED IT UP.
WE'LL FIX IT. I HOPE SO.
DAVID'S STILL AN ASSHOLE.
OKAY. TEN THOUSAND FREAKING DOLLARS
AND YOU COULDN'T FIND ONE PERSON TO HELP US.
SHH.
HEY, ART, WE JUST GOT A REPORT OF
A HIGH-SPEED CHASE AND BIGFOOT RUNNING DOWN MAIN.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
HAIRY MAN'S JUST A DUMB-ASS KID.
NOTHING TO GET EXCITED ABOUT.
DON'T LET THEM AROUND.
DON'T LET THEM AROUND, DON'T LET--COME ON, MIKE.
OH, FUCK!
ASSHOLE!
HE'S GETTING AWAY!
HE'S NOT GETTING AWAY. WE'RE RIGHT FUCKING THERE.
GOD DAMN IT! COME ON!
SORRY. I NEVER COULD FIGURE THESE THINGS OUT.
CAN YOU GET HER TO HER DEN BY YOURSELF?
YES.
I GOTTA GO HELP.
I KNOW.
I KNOW. GO.
I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA.
MM-HMM. I LOVE YOU, TOO.
BE CAREFUL.
HERE, YOU TAKE THE WHEEL.
NO, JUST TAKE THE WHEEL.
WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GONNA GET HIM.
DO YOU SEE HIM? WHERE IS HE?
WHAT? SERIOUSLY?
HE'S STRAIGHT AHEAD, STRAIGHT AHEAD.
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PUT THE GUN DOWN! PUT THE GUN DOWN!
SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! NO!
HEY, DWAYNE. HERE YOU GO.
HEY, RC, THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE TONIGHT?
BIGFOOT AND A HIGH-SPEED CHASE DOWN MAIN.
IT'S DAVID AND RODNEY AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE UP TO BUT...
ONE OF THEIR GIRLFRIENDS CALLED BEN.
NEEDS A CRANE RENTAL TONIGHT.
- IT'S AFTER 10:00. - YEAH, I KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE UP TO, BUT THEY'RE PUTTING SOMETHING
TOGETHER UP BY THE MEETING GROUNDS.
IT'S LIKE ONE BIG DAMN PARTY AROUND HERE TONIGHT.
YEAH, IT IS, ISN'T IT?
HEY, SHERYL. YEAH, IT'S RC.
THERE'S A BIG PARTY GOING ON UP AT THE MEETING GROUNDS.
NO, NO. CALL THE GALS,
GET A BUNCH OF BEER AND HEAD ON UP.
NO, I PROMISE, IT'S GOING TO BE A HUGE SHIT SHOW.
ALL RIGHT, HAVE A GOOD TIME.
ALL RIGHT, MAN. I'LL CALL YOU FROM THE ROAD
AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
COME ON, RODNEY, WHAT'S THE HOLD-UP?
I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE.
I DON'T KNOW, EITHER.
HUH? ANYTHING YET? NO.
YOU GOT BARS? FOUR.
WE SHOULD HAVE HEARD FROM HIM BY NOW.
COME ON, RODNEY.
I'M JUST GOING TO WING HIM.
THERE'S ONLY ONE-- DON'T WING HIM.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT RODNEY.
HE'LL BE FINE.
OH, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT TEN GRAND WILL GET YOU.
WHERE'S RODNEY?
YOU DIDN'T HEAR FROM HIM?
NO, NOTHING.
OH, MY GOD! HE'S GOING TO GET KILLED!
NO, AS LONG AS WE KEEP HEARING GUNSHOTS, HE'S NOT DEAD.
WE HAVE TO GO DOWN THERE AND FIND HIM.
IF RODNEY DIES, I'M GOING TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!
OKAY, THAT'S COOL.
I GOT THIS.
HEY, ART.
BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR COUNTY FIRE AND RESCUE
JOINING THE PURSUIT.
LET'S JUST KEEP IT SLOW, BOYS.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
COME ON.
HEY, THERE, DWAYNE, ART MANAGED TO GET THEM
OUT OF DOWNTOWN AND SLOWED DOWN
ENOUGH TO LOSE RODNEY.
OH, THAT'S GOOD. I HATE TO SEE HIM BACK IN JAIL.
HEY, UH, WHERE SHOULD WE SEND THEM NOW?
UH, OH, HOW ABOUT ACROSS THE RIVER ON OLD STAGE ROAD?
OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
ATTENTION ALL UNITS, BIGFOOT SIGHTED
MOVING EAST ON OLD STAGE ROAD.
I'M SORRY. I WAS WAY OUT OF LINE.
WAY OUT OF THE LINE.
OH, MY GOD! I KILLED RODNEY!
WHAT THE HELL, GUYS!
RODNEY.
UGH!
WE'RE SO HOOPED.
THEY'RE ONLY CHECKING IN TOWN.
THAT CHOPPER'S GONNA FIND YOUR GRANDMA.
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.
DROP ME OFF AT THE EDGE OF TOWN AGAIN,
AND I'LL LEAD THEM UP TO THE CLEARING.
THE HELL YOU ARE.
YOU JUST GOT DESTROYED BY A CAR.
JEN, YOU NEED TO TAKE HIM TO THE ER.
GET DOWN! GET DOWN!
WELL, I FOR ONE AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE
AMY AND GRANDMA HANGING, ALL RIGHT?
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
GIVE ME THE SUIT.
WHAT?
GIVE ME THE SUIT.
COME ON.
COME ON, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
ATTENTION ALL UNITS,
BIGFOOT HEADING SOUTH ON MAIN STREET.
WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU, HAIRY MAN!
JESUS, YOU'RE GONNA HURT SOMEBODY!
COME ON.
UFO LANDING IN PROGRESS
AT THE MEETING GROUNDS.
I HATE TOURISTS.
HEY, LOOK.
NIGHT VISION.
NICE! YEAH.
WHERE IS HE NOW?
I DON'T KNOW, I THINK I LOST HIM.
I JUST SEE HIM. HE'S STRAIGHT AHEAD, STRAIGHT AHEAD!
OKAY. HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.
OKAY. OKAY, WILDLIFE PHOTOGRAPHY.
DEAD LIFE PHOTOGRAPHY
AS SOON AS I HIT THE MOTHERFUCKER.
DON'T HIT HIM. CAN I PUT MY FOOT HERE?
HOLD STILL, HOLD STILL, HOLD STILL!
GOD DAMN IT.
GET DOWN. SHIT!
BIGFOOT NOW HEADING WEST ON OLD STAGE ROAD.
THIS IS DANGEROUS.
YOU ARE COMPLETELY SAFE WITH ME DRIVING. DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?
THESE FEDS ARE TRYING TO GET AROUND YOU,
AND YOU BETTER NOT LET THEM AROUND BECAUSE IF THEY GET--
THEY GET THERE FIRST, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN "E.T.?"
THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE HAIRY MAN A LOBOTOMY.
THEY'LL GIVE HIM A LOBOTOMY!
THIS IS ARMY AIR CAV ONE, ALL UNITS STAND DOWN IMMEDIATELY.
WE ARE INBOUND AND TAKING OVER SITUATION.
NOBODY NEEDS TO GET HURT.
THERE HE IS!
WE GOT THE BASTARD NOW!
HAIRY MAN IS UP SHIT CREAK!
ACT THREE, FINALE!
THE FBI KILLS BIGFOOT! ACTION!
WHAT?
GET ON THE GROUND. I'M NOT BIGFOOT!
GET DOWN! I'M NOT BIGFOOT!
DON'T SHOOT!
GOD DAMN IT, DAVID.
WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE THE HELL IS THE CREATURE?!
WHERE THE HELL IS THE CREATURE?
I BELIEVE THIS IS MY JURISDICTION.
THIS IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY ISSUE.
REALLY, A KID IN A HALLOWEEN COSTUME?
HEY, I WANT THAT BACK!
COME ON, DAVID, LET'S GO.
GENTLEMEN, I'LL TAKE MISS CLARK.
I'M AFRAID NOT.
SHE'S GOT A LOT TO ANSWER FOR.
BOYS, THIS IS WAY ABOVE YOUR PAY GRADE. COME ON.
SHE'S ALL YOURS.
SORRY, ART.
HEY, DAD. BIGFOOT'S BABY?
HEY!
YOUR MOTHER'S BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU.
WHERE THE HELL IS THE CREATURE?
GOD DAMN IT!
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THIS IS BULLSHIT.
I KNOW WHAT I SAW.
I GOT PICTURES.
I WISH THEY HADN'T TAKEN MY CAMERA.
WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE PANTS?
THOSE ARE AWESOME. I COULD REALLY DO SOME
HIDING IN THE WILD WITH THOSE.
WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?
SEE YOU, LOUISE.
YEAH, SEE YOU, ARTHUR.
OH, YOUR BADGE.
ROCK ME, RODNEY!
DO YOU MIND IF I FISH THROUGH?
NO ONE'S STOPPING YA.
IT DOESN'T WORK.
WHAT?
FISHING NAKED.
YOU TOLD ME IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO CATCH BIG FISH?
I LIED.
I JUST WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD GET YOU NAKED.
GUESS IT WORKED.