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(MAN SOBBING)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(GROANS)
Buenos días, Cecelio!
(SIGHS)
Sir, I'm just saying, your ad says, "Bad credit, no problem."
So can you define "no problem"?
Because me not getting this loan is a problem.
I'm sorry. That's why I'm asking you to...
- Sorry, Daddy. - That's okay, but that's just nasty.
No, no, no. Not you, sir.
Listen to this. What if I have everything I need except the $30,000?
Keep calm? Sir. Sir. Can you...?
Ma'am. Okay. I couldn't tell.
Aren't you supposed to be a predatory lender? Then prey on me!
Okay? You're a lion, I'm a gazelle.
Okay, fine. Fine. Do you know what? I'm putting my daughter on the phone.
Explain to her why she has to go to school in a gangbanger school district...
where they're murdering kids. Murdering!
Here, you tell her.
Hey, baby, do what I showed you.
- Why do you want me to get murdered? - No.
(IN WHINY VOICE) "Murdered. Why do you want me to get murdered?"
They hung up.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Because you're not doing what I told you to.
- You are sick. - I'm not sick. It's called desperate.
Baby, all we have to do is keep saving.
I just need some love. Can you just hug me?
Just kiss me?
- RITA: Any better? - Awkward.
Come on. Get your juice, and your book bag.
I told you to hit the bull's-eye.
How hard is it to cry, Makayla?
(IN WHINY VOICE) "Murder. Murder."
- DARNELL: Watch out. - BOY: Move, old man.
Is that weed?
Hey, I want you to be safe, okay?
Listen to me. Listen to me. You're not gonna be at this school forever.
Daddy's working on it. I love you.
- I love you too. - DARNELL: All right.
- MAKAYLA: Don't worry. - Kind of hard not to worry. You're my daughter.
(METAL DETECTOR BEEPS)
- Come on, dear. - Hey, watch it!
Matter of time. Matter of time.
- I kick, James! - Yeah.
Move!
(JAOA SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
- Hey, babe! - Watch this, honey.
Watch this.
(GRUNTS)
Whoo! Look at that kick!
(ALISSA CHUCKLING)
Good job, James!
(SIGHS)
(SIGHING)
Oh...
Good job, guys. We're all working hard today. Mm.
Ah...
ALISSA: You looked good out there, my big strong fiance.
Jaoa says I need to focus on bringing my power into the world.
(INHALES)
Fuck!
Maybe I can help.
You...
are a great man, James King.
Do me on the new house.
(ALISSA MOANING)
Did it get bigger?
Yeah, it did, baby.
It's the dick of a king. It's your scepter.
- No. - Yeah.
No, I mean the house.
The king needs his castle, James.
Ten thousand square feet.
Seven bedrooms.
Two kitchens.
(WHISPERS) Infinity pool.
Is that a guesthouse for the guesthouse?
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Well, in case our guests have guests.
And you have so many friends, baby.
Don't you, Mr. Popular?
So powerful.
So you don't think it's too much house, do you?
James, seriously?
I mean, you wanna raise a family in this house?
- Well, yes. - In this...
house?
No!
No, this house is a shithole!
Look...
there's winners and there's losers, James.
It's what drives this country.
All right? People look at what you have...
and they want it.
They want your huge house.
And they want...
your hot, hot...
- ...wife. - So hot.
- Who's the king? - I am.
Are you the king? How much money you gonna make today?
- Enough to choke a baby. - That's right.
(GAGGING)
- Yeah, are you a winner? - Yes, I'm a winner.
- Whose tits are these? - They're my tits.
These are the king's tits!
- The king's titties. - That's right.
- Is it a king's dick? - It's slightly above average.
Yeah? You gotta stake your claim, James.
Yes! You gotta stake it!
Stake my claim.
ALISSA: Oh, come on, baby. Do me like a billionaire!
(ALISSA GASPS AND JAMES GRUNTS)
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING)
(ALL SHOUTING)
You. You, right there, with the hat.
(ICONA POP'S "I LOVE IT" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(MOUTHING) I don't care
(CHATTERING)
Hey, boss man, did you get that text?
I sent you a text yesterday.
Surprise!
The boss is here.
Maybe it's time that we act like we got work to do.
We got 40 cars and we got eight hours of the air down here!
James King, Wealthrop Funds.
Transfer 100 million from my client accounts.
I'd like to put a buy order on Bradway Chemical, up to 7.50.
I've got a good feeling about clean coal.
Clean the roofs, Mike.
You don't think people can see those? I hired you to do one thing.
That's be tall.
All right, great job.
Hey there, Jamesy, that was quite a ride, man.
That was like third quarter 2012.
- It's a real pleasure to watch you work, sir. - Thanks, Leo.
Yeah. How about that, you knew my name!
I love it.
So I shorted gas and went long on coal.
It wasn't quite the return I was hoping for, but...
James.
You made my company $28 million today.
Now, to celebrate, I would like to give you an early wedding present...
- ...partner. - Ah.
Sir, thank you.
Gayle, a minute.
James, this is the moment when you cross that threshold...
and join America's most elite.
Anything you desire, anything you want is yours.
I'm ready for it.
You know, I bought an island in Cape Verde.
An entire island.
You can too.
I would love to. We could be island neighbors.
You could swim over and borrow a cup of gold.
(LAUGHS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yeah.
You know, and to think it all started with this.
I still have that computer.
It reminds me of my humble beginnings.
How I built this company with my own two hands.
Just me, that computer...
and an $8 million loan from my father.
You really did it all on your own.
Very inspiring, sir.
Now, listen, I want you to drop this "sir" nonsense.
You are marrying my daughter, for Pete's sake.
(LAUGHS)
I want you to call me "Dad."
Really? Dad?
- Mm-hm. - Heh.
That feels very good.
My real father never had time for me.
He shipped me off to boarding school in London with the Murdochs and the bin Ladens.
Of course, that was before...
I mean, we knew they cheated in soccer, but, had no idea...
you know...
But if I could choose a dad...
Hey, you know something, you're family now, kid.
Okay, then.
Oh, boy.
(SOBBING)
Motherfucker.
- Mr. King. - Aah! Aah!
Take whatever you want!
- Please! - It's the hood.
- Hey! It's Darnell. - Help!
(HORN HONKING)
- Help! Help! - Stop! Mr. King. No!
- Oh, dear Lord. Someone help me! - Stop it! You're being ridiculous!
Stop! Look at me.
It's me.
I got your keys!
Oh.
Yes! I see you.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
- Here you go. - Oh.
- I'm sorry. - Thank you.
And, uh... just so you know, I would have done the same thing if you were white.
That's good to know.
Hey, Mr. King.
Um...
While I got you out here, I just wanna... I just wanna talk to you for a second.
I've been washing your car for two years now...
and I can tell you're the type of man who likes the best of everything.
So as owner and CEO of Hollywood Luxury Bubbles...
I wanted to offer you an exclusive platinum lifetime wash card...
for $30,000.
Now, before you say anything...
think about the type of money that you'll save with this investment.
Well, actually the time value of money is such that...
if I were to put that same amount in my own fund...
in 23 years' time, I'd have in excess of $3 million.
Wow. Yeah.
With that rate of return, I could buy a new car every time it gets dirty.
- Isn't that impressive? - Amazing, Mr. King.
That's the magic of compounded interest.
You see, I didn't get to where I am today by asking for handouts.
But by hard work.
And today, that hard work paid off...
as I was just named partner in my firm.
Mr. King, that is...
- Hey. That is amazing. - Thank you so much.
- That is... - Thank you.
That's amazing. Mr. King, listen to me.
I'm one of the hardest workers you'll ever meet.
I mean, that's why I'm down here power-washing cars every day.
I just felt with this face-to-face that you would...
That you would wanna help a fellow business owner and job creator.
I am helping you. By saying no.
- Mr. King, that's... - That way, you can make it on your own.
Okay. Mr. King, I have a lot of people helping me that way already. And... And...
Great. Then you have a plan for success.
Why didn't you tell me that?
You see, everyone, whether we're born rich or poor...
or white...
or miscellaneous...
who we become...
is based on our own decisions. It's simple as that.
You know who else started in a garage?
Hewlett-Packard. So you're in good company.
- And on that note... - No, Mister...
- You don't have to give me that much, Mr. King. - Hold on, hold on.
- You don't have to give me that much. - Hold on. There we go.
You really don't need...
There you go.
There's a start.
Mr. King, please. I feel like you just haven't given me...
Success is a mindset!
Hi, everyone!
ALL: Hi.
Thank you so much for celebrating our engagement with us.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Everyone, just "shh."
Shh! You need to "shh." Senator.
Shh! Shh.
Yellow tie.
I see you.
Thank you.
James, I love you...
and I can't wait to be married to you.
ALL: Aw.
And because you rock my world...
I got you this!
Oh!
Hey! Wow.
This is beautiful.
- But not as beautiful as you, Alissa. - ALL: Aw.
- I love you. - I love you.
Being with you and in front of all of our friends and family here...
I just wanna say, I'm the luckiest man in the world!
MAN: Play something!
- Oh. - Oh, oh.
Well, actually, there's one more part to your present!
It's Mr. John Mayer!
- John Mayer! - Thank you, thank you.
Hey, everybody!
Who's John Mayer?
I just wanna say, thank you, James and Alissa, for making me...
Shut up!
...a part of your special night. Thank you very much.
I wanna thank you personally for the Bradway Chemical buy.
- Oh, sure. Ha-ha-ha. - There's nothing I love more than making money.
Not even chicks. Or dudes. I fuck anything.
You ever seen 100 women get wet at the same time? Watch this.
(PLAYING GUITAR)
WOMAN: Aw.
(SINGING) Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers
Who turn into mothers
So, mothers Be good to your daughters too
John, lay back. I'm gonna take a few bars.
MAN: Yeah.
MAN: Hey! Step aside, FBI! Back up!
Everybody, step aside!
- James King. - Yeah?
MAN: You're under arrest for 43 counts of fraud and 30 counts of embezzlement.
- That's impossible. - That's what they all say. Get him out of here!
I know. This is some kind of joke.
Because if this isn't, this is the worst nightmare imaginable.
Yeah! Ha-ha-ha. Finally.
- Are you getting this? - Shit, yeah! Get out of the way!
I swear I don't know what any of this is about!
Don't worry, son! I'll take care of it.
MAN: Let's go.
- Gayle, call my lawyer. - My party!
Looks like you could use a friend right now.
What the fuck?
(INMATES SHOUTING)
The charges are securities fraud and embezzlement.
- These transaction records prove you're guilty. - I've never seen these. These are fakes!
If you go to court, they're gonna kick your ass. Take the plea.
- Dad! - Take the plea.
You'll be out in a year and in the best shape of your life.
No. I have faith that the justice system will exonerate me.
And that the jury will put aside their bias and see the truth:
That I didn't steal money from people.
And that I am no Bernie Madoff.
A verdict is expected today in the "mini-Madoff" trial of James King.
(ALL SHOUTING)
I lost everything! Fuck you!
I didn't do it!
JUDGE: For too long, wealthy white-collar offenders like you...
have gotten a free pass with light sentences in minimum-security prison...
while working Americans have suffered. Well, that ends today, Mr. King.
I sentence you to the harshest penalty allowed:
Ten years in a maximum-security prison.
(GASPS)
You have 30 days to get your affairs in order.
Just run them over!
I can't go to jail. I'll die in there.
That's not gonna happen, James, because I'm gonna put my investigators...
on this twenty-four-seven until we find out who really did this.
Just stay in county lines with that thing on.
Otherwise, the U.S. Marshals will be down there pronto.
Son, I want you to stay strong. Do you hear me?
I will.
I'll be so strong for you, Dad.
(SOBBING)
Why me?
(JAOA SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(WAILING)
(GRUNTING)
(MEN SHOUTING ON VIDEO)
(GASPS)
I have to leave the country!
(BEEPING)
It took so long to ring me up, I had to miss my waxing appointment. I feel like a gorilla.
It's summer too.
ALISSA: I can't believe this is happening to me.
- It's like they don't recognize you anymore. - Thank you. Yes.
(WHISPERING) Alissa!
Hey! It's me, James.
I know. What are you doing?
Why do you look like that?
Just eat your fucking salads.
I'll fucking kill you if you say anything.
Hi.
- Hi. Hi. - Hi.
I came up with a great idea.
Let's just run away! Some place that no one would ever think to find us.
Mexico.
Let's just leave this material world behind.
Live in a one-bedroom shack.
- Oh, God. - Yes.
- You could sell Chiclets on the road. - What?
Look, we'll work out the details later.
- We should get out of here. - No!
- I already cut off my ankle bracelet. - No! No.
Let's go.
- James, no. - What?
- No! I'm leaving you. - Why?
But I thought you loved me forever.
Well, now you know.
Alissa.
MAN: This is the U.S. Marshal Service.
James King, exit the building and surrender to custody immediately.
Oh, shit!
Hey, guys. He's in there.
(GRUNTING)
Why are you arresting me?
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
(IN ENGLISH) I am but a simple bartender from Belize.
Wait, no. Mexico.
Call my lawyer in Tijuana.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Shit!
- What the fuck is that?! Get off! - It's me! It's me!
- Mr. King? - Yes.
You scared the shit out of me, man.
What you doing in the trunk?
I just needed a place to regroup.
You know, fresh start.
Okay. Hey. Let me help you out, man.
(HORN HONKS)
Fuck you, King!
- I lost everything because of you! - I didn't do it!
Fuck!
Fuck someone!
Fuck a tit!
Fuck a tit hard!
For the love of Alan Greenspan.
Fuck! My life is ruined.
I venture you've heard that I'm going to prison.
Yeah. No, we all did. I just didn't wanna bring it up first, that's all.
Come on. They're probably sending you to some Club Fed prison.
You'll be playing tennis and golf, you know.
- I'm going to be attending San Quentin. - They're sending you to San Quentin?
Oh.
- What? - Oh, God!
They fucking in San Quentin.
- Oh. - Everybody gets the dick.
I don't want it.
You're not gonna get it. You'll be in for three months.
I'm gonna be there for 10 years.
Goddamn! Ten years?
- Oh! Oh! - Why do you say it like that?
It's not as bad as I've heard, is it?
If you heard everybody fucking, it is. That's how bad it is.
I didn't hear that part.
They might as well call it San Fucking, man.
I don't wish that on my worst enemy. You talking about bad? That's bad.
You should know.
I'm sorry to remind you.
What are you talking about?
Well, the fact that you went to prison.
The fact that I went to prison?
Yes. Look, you did your time.
You paid your debt. And we as society...
should welcome you back, and we do.
You and I are exactly the same.
Except you can't vote, ever.
Just before I get to another level of anger, Mr. King, tell me for giggles...
- ...how do you know I went to prison? - It's simple.
Statistical analysis is what I do. Here's the deal:
One out of three black men will find themselves incarcerated during their lifetime.
- Imagine a pizza, okay? - Okay.
There are three pieces.
Three black pieces.
One of those pieces of pizza will be thrown in jail at some point during its life.
You know what? Let me give you my statistical analysis.
You going to San Quentin. There's 100 percent chance...
that you're gonna be somebody's bitch. Ten years of this:
(GRUNTING)
- You know what that is? - Mm-mm.
A big-ass black man on your pale white ass.
(JAMES GROANS, THEN DARNELL GRUNTING)
You: "No! I don't want any more! Stop! That's enough."
Too late. He done tagged the next guy in.
That's like a rabbit. You don't want him no more...
so now here comes the guy that wants to rub your face.
"I like his hair." He's breathing on you.
That's disgusting. But guess what? You can look forward to 10 years of it!
What if I speak to all the bitches and we organize...
form a union, and we put our feet down and say, "Enough!"
- There's gotta be more of us than them. - There's not.
You deserve everything you're getting. Good luck on survival, sir.
Better luck on handling yourself!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Don't leave. Don't leave, please. I could use your help.
Help you with what?
Help me to not be someone's bitch.
You expect me to help you? I'm supposed to teach you what?
How to prevent this:
- All right, stop. - You could train me.
You could be the Athena to my Odysseus.
I don't even know what the fuck that is, man!
I could pay you.
Whatever it takes.
I need $30,000.
- Done. - Oh...
Okay.
Yup. Yeah.
- Fantastic. - All right.
What are you doing?
I only know these two.
What are you trying to do?
- Shake? You wanna shake my hand? - Oh, regular.
- It's a deal. We got a deal. - Excellent.
- Thank you, Darnell. - I'll see you in the morning, convict.
What are you doing? What is that?
- Trying to do this thing. - No.
- Shake. It's fine. - Okay.
Mr. King, no. I got that.
- All right. No problem. - I appreciate it.
I appreciate it.
Oh.
Yes! Thank you!
Thank you, Jesus!
I knew it! I knew my day would come.
I'm getting the house.
I'm getting the house. Unh!
Babe. This does not make any sense.
Why would he hire you?
- Because he thinks I went to prison, babe. - That's the part I don't get.
- Why would you tell him that? - I didn't. He assumed that.
- He assumed it? - Yes!
So what reason did you give him to assume that you went to jail?
I was being black.
- This is nuts. - Okay. I don't get what's nuts to you.
In 30 days, we'll have the money, the house will be ours. What is the problem?
The problem is he is never going to believe that you went to jail.
Look, babe. I am your wife, so I will put it to you straight.
You are not exactly a thug.
I don't have to be a thug to portray a thug. Okay?
Honestly, all I gotta do is change my voice, talk a little deeper.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Talk like this and be every stereotype he already thinks I am.
Right now, I'm thugging. This is thugging.
You're so good at it, sweetie.
Have a good night.
- Bitch! Don't walk away from me! - What the hell did you just say to me?
- (IN NORMAL VOICE) Girl, stop. Stop! - What is wrong with you?
What is that? I love you! I was playing!
- Bitch. - What?
- I didn't say nothing! - Oh.
Man, I didn't say nothing.
You wanna watch The Notebook?
- I love you and Makayla. - Yeah, I love you too. Good night.
WOMAN (ON RECORDING): You've reached the mailbox of Martin Clark.
Please leave a message after the tone.
Hi, Dad?
It's James.
Just wondering if there's any word from the investigators.
I still love you.
Thank you. Bye.
Now, I heard a crazy story about you. This guy James King?
And I heard that you played at the party where he got arrested.
Yeah. I had no idea that I was performing for a monster.
I don't know how to explain what it's like to take money from someone like that.
It makes you wanna give it back to them...
except that would be worse because then they'd have it.
And it's that whole helpless feeling that I have about our creative process being monetized...
and that's what inspired me to write this song...
which is actually available on iTunes tonight at midnight.
- If I can play it. - Great.
(SINGING) I can't see through walls
And I can't read your mind
But if I did I'd find
That man James King is a great big turd
I mean the small, small kinds
But that **** James
Will fall Hands against the prison wall
Choking on a mouthful of balls
He'll be choking on A mouthful of balls
I hate to admit it, but it's a good song.
FALLON: Okay, very nice. John Mayer, everybody.
Now I'm gonna be dreaming about balls.
DARNELL: Hey, Russell.
It's Darnell.
Your cousin. Your cousin, Darnell, man.
Hey, listen, Russell...
how would you like to make $500 just for telling me what prison was like.
Well, I don't wanna say that. Russell, I shouldn't have to say that.
For what?! What is...?
Fine. Fine.
I'm a Cliff Huxtable pussy-looking motherfucker.
No! I'm not even wearing khakis.
Russell, can you please just help me, what I'm asking you for? Just start from the beginning.
No, no. Like, the beginning, the beginning. Like, the first day of prison.
On the first day?
Oh. There's no warm-up?
That's sad.
Russell, I'm sorry, did I just hear a gunshot?
You gotta go. Okay. Bye.
Ready, mother...?
Ready, mother...? Ready, mother...?
That's it, that's it. Ahem.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Coming!
Rita, Makayla, new house, good school.
You ready, motherfucker?
Just a second!
Hello?
- You ready, motherfucker?! - Aah!
- Oh, it burns! - Pepper spray, bitch!
Rule number one: You always be on guard, okay?
On the inside, there's somebody on every corner to fuck you up!
Prison school is in session, bitch! You already failing.
(SCREAMS)
I'm so glad I hired you. This is just what I need.
Okay. What's next?
What the...?! How many motherfuckers live here?!
All right. Let's get started.
This right here is my prison readiness program.
If you follow this guide and do exactly what I say you will survive in prison.
JAMES: "Keistering."
- What's keistering? - Slow down! You ain't ready for that.
You're the teacher.
And I just want you to know I'll do whatever it takes to survive and get my life back.
That's good, because let me tell you something:
You're gonna have to work harder than you ever worked before.
Back when I was in Harvard Business School, I was facing some pretty long odds.
But I buckled down and I succeeded.
When you was at Harvard, did you ever get raped for failing a test?
I think that's more of a Yale thing.
(CHUCKLING)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
- "Yale." - I'm sorry.
Shut the fuck up!
Now from this point on, this ain't your house no more.
- This San Quentin! You understand me? - Okay.
DARNELL: From now on this will be your cell.
You do not leave this room without my permission.
It's good.
- For you to sleep on, señor. - Go on, we ain't got time for games.
Go upstairs, turn this place into prison.
It will be our pleasure to repay you for your many kindnesses.
Put that in there in front of the statues with the dicks.
James, listen to me.
The key to survival in prison lies in the following simple questions:
Are you hard? And can you handle yourself?
This is a rare moment for optimism because the answer to that is a resounding yes.
That's good. Let me see what your mad-dog face look like.
- I'm sorry. What's a mad dog? - You a mad dog!
- Oh, shit. - What's your what, nigga?
- Take whatever you want! - Let me see that!
No!
- Stop! I beg of you! - Like a pit bull with no leash.
(GROWLING)
That's a mad dog.
Wow. I knew you were the right guy for the job.
In prison, a mad-dog face is essential to your survival. Do you understand me, James?
So the idea is that I make a face that conveys the fact that I'd have no problem hurting you.
Exactly what it is. Now, convey that shit. Let me see it.
Okay. Ahem.
Ha!
- That's terrible. - Ha, ha.
No, that's horrible, man. Anger. You gotta show me anger.
- Why you smiling? - I'm not smiling. I'm tense and I'm agitated.
Come on, man!
- Unh! - That's your mad... That's it?!
- Your fiancée left you. - That's right!
- You happy about that? - No.
Then get mad! She gonna leave you? What is she doing?
She probably on her knees sucking somebody dick in the back seat of a truck.
Show...
James.
Oh. Oh. Come on. Come on.
- I miss her so much. - What the fuck are you doing, James?
I'm sad-dogging you.
- James? - You think that's a strategy that could work?
No. I don't think it's a strategy that could work.
Hey, listen up, everyone. I'm extremely sad.
Please don't sexually assault me. I'm already too sad.
Hey, fellas. My heart's already been raped.
I don't wanna do this anymore. Let's move on. Okay?
We're moving on from the mad dog. James, can you fight?
Absolutely.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
What?
You had to change your clothes for this?
(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
What the fuck are you doing, man?
It's called capoeira.
It's a Brazilian martial art.
But don't be fooled by its beauty and grace.
It's actually quite deadly.
This is deadly?
That's deadly?
- Stab. - Ow.
- Stab. - Stop.
- Stab. Stab. - Guards! Guards!
- Stabbity-stab, stab, stab! - Ow. Ow!
The fuck are you doing, man?
Shit ain't gonna save you in San Quentin!
Well, that may not, but you haven't seen my Bênção kick.
- Your what?! - My Bênção kick.
(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Look what your dumb ass done did. Stab.
- Stab. - I'm dead.
Stab, stab, stab, stab.
You're so bad.
James. I gotta tell ya. I just can't imagine what you must be going through.
It is so nice to talk to you.
- JAMES: What's the latest from the investigators? - The investigators?
- Chinese hackers. They're pretty sure. - DARNELL: Hey!
I know I'm not crazy. Didn't I tell you to get off the phone? Get off the phone.
- Hey, who are you talking to? - It's Darnell. He's helping me.
Your time is up!
- I gotta go. I'll call you back. - Hang it up!
- If I get more phone time. - Hang it up!
That was important to me!
When you got a line of inmates waiting to use the phone...
you do not wanna piss them off, James.
I'm going to fuck you up, Mr. James!
Rosa!
You watch your back on the yard.
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
I'm not a puto.
Great.
- All right. We got a problem. - ATTORNEY: What's that?
James is talking to somebody.
No, no, he trusts you.
- He'll never put two and two together. - No, stop it!
- This is your fault! - What?
Well, you couldn't get him to take the plea deal.
Instead of him going to prison, you got him 30 days to be out there, running around...
fucking things up!
I had to make it look good. You throw a fight, you don't go down in the first round. It's fine.
I don't want him out there, playing detective with somebody.
You keep an eye on my ex-future son-in-law, would ya?
- And find out who this Darnell is. - I'm on it. Right away.
There you go.
All right, James. Look, you're gonna get in a fight on the inside. Okay?
You don't need to win, but you need to show these guys...
that you're not afraid to fight back. Get used to fighting. See those guys over there?
- Yes. - Go over there and fight one of them.
That's insane!
They're behemoths. They would break my spine.
Those are the type of guys you're gonna see in San Quentin.
So you gotta shake that fear. I want you to go and punch that big-ass dude in the mouth.
Oh, my God. My heart is pounding.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
Who the fuck are you, man?
I wanna fight you.
What?
You picked the wrong day to come to the park.
- Is this some kind of joke, man? - You ever been mad-dogged before?
You about to get some right now, motherfucker.
What the fuck is that, man?
It's the size of your dick.
I'm gonna break it off, make you eat it.
You fuck your mother with that dick?
How do you know my mama?! You don't know my mama.
Oh, no.
- Aah! Aah! Aah! - MAN: Come on! Get him! Get him!
Get back here, bitch!
Oh, no! Please don't hurt my body! Aah!
No! My body!
(SCREAMS)
Help me!
You're breaking my spine!
What happened to my tennis court?
You will no longer refer to this area as a tennis court. From this point on, this is the yard.
Understand something, James. The yard is the most deadliest part of prison.
It's where you get your few precious minutes of fresh air and sunlight. Understand?
Fresh air.
How many times did I breathe in clean air, fragrant with lavender, and take it for granted?
James, I don't give a fuck how many times. I don't give a shit.
- I'm just saying. - Shut up, James.
You gotta step carefully because if you step in the wrong place...
you'll end up in the wrong territory. For a person like you that can't fight...
it's not a good thing, James. It's not a good thing at all.
Right now, you in the brothers-only section. You got two seconds to get out.
- Before you get mollywhopped. - Okay, Darnell.
- Who's Darnell?! - You are.
My name is Leroy!
- Yeah, I suggest you walk, white boy. Walk! - All right. I'm walking.
- Turn around and walk! - I'm walking.
- (IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey, ése. - What?
- You got a problem, gringo? - Darnell, what are you doing?
Darnell? Who's Darnell, ése? You're looking at Carlos.
I suggest you walk wherever you came from, ése, before you have a problem.
- I was trying to leave that area. - You need to go back...
- ...over there with the negros, ése. - With Leroy?
You go back over there with the negros! That's where you belong.
- I don't see anyone. - You belong with the Negros.
- Go. - I'm going.
- (IN NORMAL VOICE) Fuck you calling a negro?! - He was. I wasn't.
I told you, Carlos! Keep that shit over there on your side!
- Take the Yankee with you! - I'll go with you!
(IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey, I don't want him.
He's a negro lover. You take him.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Motherfucker! Say something else, bro!
(IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey! Hey, I swear to God. I swear to God, I'll cut you, ése.
- Let's just shake hands. - There is no shaking hands, gringo.
- Friendship. - Go back where you belong.
I don't know where I belong.
(IN FEMININE VOICE) Leave him alone. I'll keep him.
You belong with me.
- Who are you? - I'm Dante.
Why don't you leave him alone, Carlos! Leave him alone, Leroy!
- Are you a woman? - I am if you want me to be.
I don't want that.
- Okay, I know what you are. - Let me hold your pocket.
- All right.
I claimed him! He mine, Leroy!
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Bitch, you got two seconds to let his fucking pocket go. Two!
- Motherfucker! You got two seconds! - Don't hit a woman!
- Gonna knock your ass out! - Don't hit a woman!
(IN FEMININE VOICE) You don't want my pocket.
You don't want it. So what? Why can't I be happy?
(IN SPANISH ACCENT) Hey, ése. I don't like you and this domestic shit in front of my crew.
You think I like it?
You need to fucking take it somewhere else, ése, huh?
Gringo, you take you and your dirty bitch elsewhere.
- I'll go over there. - (IN FEMININE VOICE) Don't call me dirty.
I wasn't dirty when you was up in it. I wasn't dirty then, was I?
(IN SPANISH ACCENT) You were dirty then. You're dirty now.
- (IN FEMININE VOICE) He ain't complaining. - You should get tested.
No, I'm not complaining because we have yet to have any sort of interaction.
- Tonight will be our night. - No. Tonight won't happen.
- Be my white knight. Save me. - Don't get your hopes up.
Let me ride you. Let me ride you into safety.
No! I don't feel comfortable with that. Let go of me! Leroy is going to be upset.
- I knew you were coming back. - (IN NORMAL VOICE) Motherfucker!
I knew you were coming back.
You making me mad, motherfucker!
- I'm not doing anything! - I'm about to whoop your ass, white boy!
- I'm just standing here. - No, you not. You got my bitch!
- Trying to figure out a place... - (IN FEMININE VOICE) I'm your old bitch.
We're like zebras.
- We're not like a zebra. - We are like a zebra. You're my...
Somehow you're getting me to hug you, and I don't know how that's happening.
(SPANISH ACCENT) That's it! That's it, gringo. I'm getting sick of this shit. I'll stab you.
I'm still confused as to what piece you are in this puzzle, Carlos.
Hold on! Hold on. Question, question.
Are there any French gangs?
I speak French. I'm not fluent, but I can...
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)
(IN ENGLISH) Can I join the gang, s'il vous plaît?
(IN NORMAL VOICE) You know what? You can't fight. Since you can't fight...
I'm left with one choice, and that's to get your stupid ass in shape.
God! You're failing.
JAMES: I've got a state-of-the-art gym 40 feet away.
Ain't no gyms in San Quentin.
Curl me, bitch! Curl me!
Maybe I should start with a baby at higher reps.
Hey! Hey, you!
- I wanna fight you. - What'd you say, dickhead?
I wanna fight you, asshole.
JAMES: Let's just rest here.
(GRUNTING)
Look at his face. He looks like he's getting fucked right now.
Come on!
You better not drop me! Goddamn it!
Excuse me, sir. I hate to bother you, but I need to fight you.
I was in Nam!
And I fucking loved it!
James, you gotta throw something back!
JAMES: Darnell!
Oh.
JAMES: Save me!
DARNELL (OVER PA): Attention inmates, lockdown in five minutes.
And don't try any stupid shit.
JAMES (WHISPERING): What did they do to my yard?
No prison can hold James King.
(ALARM WAILING)
- We got a runner. Mr. James is running! - Oh, fuck me!
(CECELIO SHOUTS IN SPANISH)
You're in my world now, bitch!
Mother... Shit!
You're never getting out alive! Ha, ha.
Fuck a bag of tits!
Release the dogs!
What? Dogs?
(DOGS BARKING)
(GRUNTS)
There's nowhere to run, Mr. James.
You don't know when to quit, Mr. James.
(GROANING)
(SCREAMS)
(JAMES GROANS)
You couldn't get past Cecelio and some Chihuahuas.
Tell me how you gonna escape San Quentin. Stop wasting my time, James.
That's what happens when you try to jump a fence illegally. Hm?
Your training's not going well, man.
Frankly, I don't feel like you're giving me 100 percent.
And as your incarceration expert, that concerns me.
Because it's my job to prepare you.
Fortunately, I got a plan.
Oh, thank God. Oh, that's good.
- You're gonna learn how to suck dick. - What?!
Oh, God.
Listen up. I said I want you to learn how to suck dick.
I heard you!
- That's your plan? - Yes.
All I'm saying is that when life puts a dick in your mouth, you make dickade.
"Dickade" doesn't sound like a significant improvement over dick.
Bottom line, James! I know what I'm talking about.
- We're talking about survival. - I understand.
- Because that's how you survived. Right? - No, you shut your mouth. No, it is not.
I survived with these.
- Dual hand jobs. - No. No! I kill with these.
That's the difference between me and you. Hence, why you need to suck a dick.
Come on, man.
Where am I gonna find someone who...?
We're at the Ivars Brasserie.
Look around you.
This is L.A.'s number-one gay hookup scene.
- Voted "Flirtiest Brunch" three years in a row. - What do I say? What do I literally say?
You say, "I wanna suck your dick." Politely.
Hey, hi. I'm James. You mind if I could give you a little head?
- Hey, I'm James. - I wanna suck your dick.
- There you go! Just dive in!
- That's what they do. - What if someone says no?
He ain't gonna say no. It's a scientific fact.
According to who?
Dickapedia! Why do you care?
- Is that a real site? - No. James, it's a... Get up.
You're gonna go to that bar. That guy. That guy right there.
Get up, go over there, and politely ask that man can you suck his dick.
Oh, my gosh. I can't believe I'm about to do this.
Survival.
Go survive.
All right. I'll just go do it.
Yes, go do it.
JAMES: Okay.
MAN: Come on. Are we doing this or not, okay?
JAMES: Yes, we're definitely doing it.
Hey, I was nervous the first time I did karaoke, right?
Just get up there and sing.
This is terrible foreplay. Come on.
- I'm gonna put it in my mouth. - Yeah.
I'm gonna suck your di... Your di...
I'm gonna suck your di...
That's what we're here for.
I'll gonna put your di... in my mouth. I'm gonna give you he...
Facial.
Down the hatch! Heh.
Eating alone?
I just thought you could use some company.
Oh... Oh.
Okay, I see what this is.
You think that you can get with me?
- Interesting topic of conversation. - Wait. No. That wasn't a sit-down invitation.
- You're like a 6. - Thank you.
No, it's not a compliment. That's not a good number. I'm like a 9.
If I were to get into this game...
- You know, the gay game... - Uh-huh.
By the way, the gay game is a game you can win.
No, it's not, because I don't wanna play. I'm saying "if."
There's a spot on the bench for you, if you decide to join.
No, I'm not on the bench, man.
Okay, starter! Heh.
I'm not gay, man.
I'm here, supporting a friend, doing some gay stuff.
I'm sorry. My name is Chris. It's short for Christmas Came Early This Year.
Where are you at, man?
MAN: Come on, man.
This is gonna help me in the long run.
- Here. Right there. - Don't point it at me.
Hey! Have fun with it, right?
- Have fun with it. - Yeah.
- Come on. - Three, two, one! In the mouth!
(YELLS)
Look, you're gonna find you someone, man.
You just gotta set your sights on something more realistic, you know?
You gotta think long-term. Think about the relationship.
Who are you gonna raise that Chinese baby with?
- I don't know. - Hm?
Who are you gonna restore that Airstream camper with?
Who are you gonna drive and open that bed-and-breakfast in New Hampshire with?
- This is what I need to hear. - Yes! Yes.
I can't do it. I really tried. I just can't! You have to train me.
It's my last chance.
You ready to train harder than you've ever trained?
Because once we go, we do not hold back.
We do it! And we do it hard!
Are you ready to get hard?
I am ready. I'm ready to get hard!
- You're gonna show me you can get hard! - I'm gonna show you!
I'm gonna get so hard! Because I'm gonna show you how hard!
That's what I wanna hear. Then let's go home and get hard.
I want what they have.
Yeah!
Yeah, James!
Yeah!
- Unh! - DARNELL: Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about!
- Ugh. - Sho' enough!
Fear of dick-sucking will give a man strength.
Fuck you.
Fuck cock!
Shit!
Hey, back off! You better get those tits out of my face! Or I'll show you my tits!
- What are you doing? - Working on my trash talk.
You know, to get respect from the other inmates.
Let me hear some of it.
All right. Ahem.
Hey, pal. I'm about to tear you a new ass.
You gonna have to do a little better than that, James.
Hey, I'm about to tear you a new ass.
And sew up your old ass!
Okay. All right.
I'm gonna punch you in the fuck!
I'm gonna make you my bitch's bitch!
You're gonna be my grand-bitch!
Yeah. You're about to 20 likes on Instafuck.
If I see you around here again, I'm gonna put a hashtag on your ass.
And see how many hits it gets.
- Hmm? - Oh, my God.
Hope you brought your Costco card, because you're about to get dick in bulk!
What? This is so dark.
How does a prix fixe dinner of five courses of dick sound?
- You eat organic? - What?
How about fresh farm-to-table, a purée of my balls!
Yeah. Merry Dickmas, Santa Cock! Hmm?
Okay. All right, man.
Where is this stuff coming from, James?
Hey, son. You're a disappointment to your parents.
Who I fucked!
Oh, shit.
James, this is sick. You gotta be crazy to think of this.
That crazy is good.
Thank you. I've got about six hours more.
That's good, James. That's really good.
I like that. I like that a lot.
I hope you brought your dick punch-card because the eighth dick is free.
Stab!
Shit! Okay.
That's not bad, James.
That's not bad at all.
Progress.
Peter piper picked a peck of pickled cocks!
Yes.
Hey, hey, hey! You ready to get to work today?
Huh?
- Hello. - What's all this stuff?
Oh, these are shanks.
Or "shivs."
In Scotland, they're referred to as "chibs."
In fact, I made this one for you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Just to say thank you for all the hard work.
Oh, man.
That's nice. That's cool.
Whoa, whoa. Don't hold it by the blade. Haven't you ever held one before? Right here.
Yeah, no, my cellie used to hold them all the time.
I don't like them. They cause too much trouble.
You pull that out on the yard, somebody come out attack you, they can do this to you.
Now what do you do? You know what I mean?
(GRUNTS)
What the hell? Where'd that come from?
I taught myself how to keister.
How to keister? Up the keister?
Look, the electronic toothbrush part, it still works.
Oh, no. Okay, James. Cut it off.
Cut it off. Get it out of my face, man.
I can turn it on with no hands.
I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that trick.
It's okay. Put it back. God.
- Put it back? - No. No, no.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Please.
- Do you want me to teach you how? - No, I'm gonna pass on that.
It starts with a simple inverse inhale.
(INHALING DEEPLY)
James, stop it.
That, with a simultaneous relaxing of the sphincter.
I don't wanna know.
You sure?
I'm positive. I just wanna ask you one question.
I was over there, and I was touching all those shanks.
Were they, uh...?
- Keistered? - Yeah. Were they keistered?
Most of them. Yeah.
We're about to simulate a prison riot.
Understand that this is the most dangerous situation there is.
Prisoners are scared. Guards are scared.
The key to surviving is to not freak out.
- Good Lord. What's gonna happen? - Cecelio's just gonna throw some stuff at you.
Some roosters, some mangly homeless guys, whatever he's got.
- He's really excited about this. - Okay. Let's do it.
Wait, don't I get body armor?
No. We don't have that type of time. Cecelio!
Why don't we have enough time?
Remember, do not freak out.
Lights!
Music!
Who wants to party?!
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Go! Go! Go!
DARNELL: Cecelio! Release the chickens!
No, no, no, James! Don't freak out!
JAMES: Darnell, there's a baboon!
- DARNELL: You're in my world now! - Aah!
Someone let me out!
DARNELL: Stop freaking out!
It's fucking beautiful!
(SCREAMS)
Oh, shit!
Die! Die!
(SCREAMS)
DARNELL: Cecelio, turn it off!
Turn it off!
James, I've lost control!
Cecelia! Pull back! I have lost control!
Oh, my God!
- God! - JAMES: Oh, my God.
Shit!
- JAMES: I'm stabbed! - No!
- JAMES: I'm cut! - No, you cut me, man!
You stabbed me!
- No, I didn't! - Yes, you did!
I told you, don't freak out! You freaked out! God! Wait...
- JAMES: No, I'm okay. - Hold up.
JAMES: It's just the wine.
I see all the wine, man.
I totally feel fine.
- Oh, fuck! - What? It's a...
(GASPS)
Oh.
- Oh, that's where the other one went. - Okay, just sit down.
- It's a shiv. It's just a shiv. - Yes, I know.
Hey, don't freak out.
- I'm gonna pull it. - Okay.
(DARNELL GRUNTS THEN JAMES SCREAMING)
Oh, my God.
It's like a fishhook. The more you pull, the deeper it lodges.
All right. Okay. Look, my wife's a nurse. Let's get you to my wife. Okay?
God. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
It's sticking right out of my head.
James, listen. I don't want to look at it no more because I'm starting to...
Oh, shit. I'm so scared.
I know. Can you fucking just keep your head...
Ow!
- Oh, God! - You drove it in a little deeper.
Oh, God. Oh, James, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Is my eye twitching? - No!
- Answer the question. Is my eye twitching? - It look fine.
- Yeah? Does it look fine? - Yeah, fine, man. There's nothing wrong.
- Let's play a memory game, okay? Engage. - Yes.
- Give me 12 months. - Months.
One, two...
- No. - Four...
Summer, Christmas...
- What? - Baked potato...
- What is "baked potato"? - Wait. Did I leave one out?
No. You're right. You're right. Those are the months.
Thanks for driving me to college, Dad.
What? What the fuck?
But don't start crying when you drop me off at the dorm, because then I'll start crying.
I love you, Dad.
Love you too, man.
- This is where I need to get out. - James! No! No!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Close the door! Close the door!
- Are we at Coachella? - No, James!
Rita, thank you once again for taking the knife out of my head.
Mm.
RITA: Makayla, what...?
Young lady.
But he's doing it.
This is delicious.
- DARNELL: Okay, James. James. - Grr.
Stop. Stop. You don't have to eat like that. You're on furlough.
Mm.
Sorry. It's part of my training.
If you let someone mess with your food, you're a punk.
It's delicious, though.
Look, you need to shut this stuff down right now.
Do you understand you're gonna get him killed before he even gets to prison?
- What are you talking about? - Darnell's doing a wonderful job.
- He's a great teacher. - See that?
And a great friend.
I just can't figure out how he ever went to jail in the first place.
RITA: Gosh, me neither.
Darnell, have you every shared with James the story of how you went away?
No, he hasn't.
Well, he's not really ready for that right now.
And I got Makayla at the table.
I mean, she's the daughter of a convicted felon. She's strong.
- Mm-hm. - JAMES: Good point.
Why don't you tell it? Don't leave out details.
I'd love to hear it. I think it could really help me.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, uh...
We was just some boys in the hood.
Me, my man, Ricky, and Doughboy.
Doughboy's real name was Russell. We was close, man.
Thing about Ricky, Ricky was special, because Ricky had the ticket.
Ricky was star quarterback. You know, he had a college future.
He was our golden boy, you know?
We got into it with some other guys. You know, some gangbang stuff.
Uh, on the way home we decide to split up.
Me and Doughboy said we'll go this way.
Ricky said he'll go this way.
Me and Doughboy come around, we see Ricky on the ground.
Ricky got shot.
I run over there. I'm running, I'm running.
I grab him. I got his head on my arm. I'm looking. I'm like, "Ricky!
Ricky!"
(DARNELL SCREAMS)
(DARNELL WAILS)
"Ricky."
He had the ticket!
They got him.
Doughboy's like, "Come on, man. Get up. Let him be. He's done."
I get up.
Doughboy says, "You know what this mean. This mean we gotta step up."
I said, "You damn right, it does." So we strapped up.
- I don't know what that means. - It means we got the burners.
I don't know what that means.
It means we went and got the guns.
We saw those guys later that night.
Three headshots. Pop! Pop! Pop!
- "That's for Ricky!" - For sure.
Cops came, man.
I told Doughboy I'd take the rap.
I said, "You go ahead. Live your life. I'll tell them it was me."
Cops came. I said, "I did it."
I went to jail.
(SIGHS)
You gave your life and your freedom for Russell.
Loyal to a fault.
It is what it is.
That's why I wash cars today.
Because I got blood on my hands.
Just like Lady Macbeth.
- Huh? - JAMES: Like Macbeth.
Yes.
- Yes. - Phew.
Wow, what a story.
Almost sounds like a movie.
RITA: Phew. Yeah.
Mm-hm.
Darnell, why don't you tell him about that time that that white lady came and adopted you...
and turned you into an offensive tackle.
I think we've talked enough tonight.
Oh. There's my cab.
I'd better get back before lockdown or Cecelio will put me in the hole.
He loves putting me in the hole.
- Well, let me walk you out, man. - No, that's fine.
Thanks for everything.
James, it was wonderful meeting you.
JAMES: Great to meet you too.
You know, growing up, my family would never spend any time together like this.
You guys are very lucky.
- Bye, Makayla. - Bye, Mr. King.
Bye-bye.
Hey, your dad never went to jail, okay?
I've seen Boyz n the Hood.
Who showed you Boyz n the Hood?
Daddy, I don't think he did it.
Of course he didn't.
You need to do something that's really gonna help him.
He will not last in prison.
He wouldn't even last in my school.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
(PLAYING BLUES MUSIC ON GUITAR)
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hello, this is James.
Hey. It's me, Darnell. Look, man, I've been thinking it over...
and it might be a good idea to get you extra protection on the inside.
So tomorrow we're gonna go over to my cousin Russell's house. Now listen.
DARNELL: Russell and his friends, they're different dudes.
Very suspicious of outsiders.
You walking in there, they're probably gonna think you a cop off the bat.
So I need you to do something for me so we don't create any dangerous situations.
- DARNELL: Dress casually. - Blackface.
What the fuck was that?!
- See you tomorrow. - DARNELL: James. James.
James, don't do nothing stupid. Just dress casual.
(HORN HONKING)
- Nice whip. - What the hell are you doing?
- Who you supposed to be dressed like, James? - Little Wayne.
- It's what he wore at his last runway show. - Oh, Lil Wayne.
You told me I needed to try to fit in, so I stayed up all last night studying your culture.
- I'm sorry, what? - And to those who say jazz...
is the only indigenous American art form, I say listen to a little Jay-Z, my friend.
Oh.
I forgot the gin and juice. Should I run back inside?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Will you stop?
I'm not trying to appropriate your culture.
- That's great. I'll tell the others. - I'm just saying...
hip-hop is a very sophisticated, multifaceted subculture...
that speaks to all different types of people.
The music, the fashions, the attitudes, the beefs...
The more I read, the more I listened...
the more I felt connected to its rich cultural tapestry.
That is really great. Now, can we please be done with this conversation?
Please stop.
I think I know who killed Tupac.
- JAMES: I got next! - What the fuck?
- Hello. - MAN: I'm gonna put a cap in yo ass.
Who the fuck are you?!
- Yo, he's good. He with me. - And who the fuck are you, nigga?
Hey, Russell. Russell!
Russell.
Russell! Excuse me.
JAMES: Hello. James King, Senior Fund Manager, Wealthrop Funds.
- James, come on. - JAMES: Excuse me. Right through here.
(LAUGHING)
Hell no, man. Is this the motherfucker who you said you had to get ready for prison, man?
Well, I need protection, and I'm hoping to join the Crenshaw Kings.
Are you? Ha-ha-ha.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I've seen white people before. My probation officer is white. You know what I'm saying?
But you, motherfucker, man, you white as mayonnaise, man. Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, shit. Maybe in blackface. Who knows? Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, listen. I tell you what though.
You damn sure got your get-up right, man.
I mean, camouflage and cheetah print, that's straight out the gangbanger's handbook.
Yeah, yeah, like Lil Wayne, right?
Exactly. Thank you.
(MOUTHS) I love it.
Look, he's not trying to be a member, okay?
He just wants you to protect him while he's on the inside.
Like you did for Darnell when he took the rap for you.
What?
We can talk about that another time.
- Yeah. - No.
So let's let that go.
You remember. You know.
With what Ricky did and the ticket...
and you freaked out and Darnell took control of the situation.
- Stop. - Is this motherfucking...?
Boyz n the Hood, man.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- This is a bad time. - RUSSELL: Okay, I tell you what, man.
I tell you what:
Humor me.
I'm a fair person.
And I'm a businessman.
Clear professional.
What's your life worth to you?
- How does a million dollars sound? - Ha-ha-ha.
"How does a million dollars sound?" Ha-ha-ha.
Hold up, everybody. Stand back. I'll handle it.
How does a million dollars sound?
Million dollars sound like a one with six zeros behind it with two commas separating them.
However, from the sound of CNN and the looks of The Wall Street Journal...
and everybody else with eyes and ears go to get they news, you broke, motherfucker.
Your assets have been frozen with no chances of thawing anytime soon.
So you probably got as much or less...
than this little no-good, manipulative, degenerate motherfucker...
right here next to you.
Which forces me to ask the question, "Are you fucking with me?"
You think this a motherfucking game? You think I'm playing?
Why would you come up in my hood, in my house...
and present yourself as something you not, offering shit you can't deliver?
- Did this motherfucker tell you to lie to me? - Russ.
Shut the fuck up, man.
I think, real fast, you need to tell me what the fuck you gonna do...
to make me wanna keep motherfuckers off your ass.
You're talking to James King.
Let me create wealth for you.
So the normal minimum buy-in to the Nexel Fund is 5 million...
but I can get you guys in using a brokerage pocket account.
In other words, liquidate two bricks of cocaine and park it right here.
With the historical performance of the fund, that's gonna double every three to five years...
and we're looking at, mm, $1.2 million easy.
Ain't no way you're making that much money without committing a crime.
With apologies to Balzac.
What the fuck? You talking about my ballsack?
No. What we're gonna do is we get other people's money...
who've made an opposite prediction on the market.
Okay, we gonna roll on them and take they money.
Just how strapped are these loser motherfuckers?
Oh, I wouldn't worry.
I've taken millions from them...
and they haven't stepped to me yet.
Loser motherfuckers.
Damn. Mayo is badass.
Stock market is gangster. Take what's yours and fuck the other guy, right?
Wall Street, man. Those are the real criminals.
Those guys get away with murder.
Wait, man. You murder people all the time, Black.
Oh, yeah. Murder's my favorite.
(ALL LAUGHING)
And they think, "Oh, please, don't kill me."
I love it. And I'm like, "I'm not gonna kill you."
They relax, then I'm like, "Boom, get on the ground now!
Get on the ground! Get on the ground!"
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
(ALL SHOUTING AND LAUGHING)
- I get excited about murder. - Don't worry about it.
I'm... I'm laughing.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You should know, you did all right this time.
Your boy, Mayo, is an earner.
Are you gonna get him some help on the inside?
I'll help him.
But not with us. You know, inside it's all about color.
Dude need a white gang.
A very white gang.
But I'll put the play together.
JAMES: That's the gang I have to join?
They seem kind of racist.
Ain't no "kind of." They are.
That's the Alliance of Whites.
That's also your only chance of survival in prison...
so you need to go in there and you need to make them believe that you're one of them.
Matter of fact, call me the N-word. But say it like you mean it, though. Let me hear it.
What? No.
That's the wrong N-word. Come on, James, I'm giving you a free pass right now.
In this truck, the N-word is perfectly fine. Just another word right now. Go ahead.
That still doesn't feel...
Let's try this. What's that place where your leg bends?
My knee?
Okay. And, uh... what noise does a angry dog make?
- Grr? - Put it together, though.
Knee. Knee-grr.
- Ow! - Oh, shit! I'm sorry.
(GROANS)
I am sorry, man, that just happened.
That literally just happened.
Wow, I got you good too.
It just, like, jumped out, man.
It was a reflex. I really can't tell you.
I didn't even say it. I was saying two other words.
I apologize, James. What do you want me to do?
Just get your ass out the car and go in there, act hard.
Fit in, man. Go ahead.
Cut the light off! Shit!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Fuck yeah!
(ALL CHATTERING)
MAN: Spider, you're up.
Watch and learn, son.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Hi.
Um...
If I could have your attention, please. I'm just looking for Spider?
MAN: He's a narc!
Listen, this relationship can't just be built around him.
You got a right to be happy too, you know?
And I am, I am. And I think I'm open to it now because of our talk.
Yeah. That's good. I love the fact that you're listening. I love that.
You know, you're the best boyfriend I never had.
Ha, ha. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, well, I'm not totally giving up. There is time.
- And things change with time. - No, no, they don't.
No. No, no. That's never gonna happen.
- You say that now. - No, no, no. I'm always gonna say that.
- Okay. - Ha-ha-ha.
Okay.
Oh, shit.
Hey, I gotta go, okay?
So I'll talk to you later. Have fun.
Private club, Jew Hair.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Good one, Spider.
I walked right into that one. Heh.
James King. Protestant.
(CHUCKLES)
But Russell, from the Crenshaw Kings, referred me?
Yeah, Russell said you'd be by.
Anyway, I'm going to prison and I need protection.
Well, welcome to the club, Jimbo.
Great! Oh, good!
But you get protection from us, we got rules.
Principles.
Rule number one:
When you're on the inside, you don't hang out with the niggers or the spics.
Now, do you have a problem with that, brother?
Me?
Of course not.
Spider, what do you take me for?
I'm a big-time racist.
I hate the knee.
What?
What is this shit?
I mean, heck, I'm such a racist that my chess set, I only have white pieces.
It's confusing, but I don't...
I won't give the blacks a chance to win.
Oh, shit.
He's a fucking cop.
- MAN: He's a cop! - I smell bacon.
- I'm not a cop. - Fucking hate narcs.
We'll find out what he is.
(ALL SHOUTING)
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Oh, my God.
I'm just wondering if maybe I'm not the best fit for the Alliance of Whites.
You got anything to confess before I rip your face off?
JAMES: Fine! Go ahead!
Kill me! But please tell the world I'm not a thief!
I did not do the things they said I did!
(ENGINE REVVING)
Promise me, Spider! Promise me!
Burn him.
(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
MAN: The fuck was that?!
That's right!
A black man just came in with a flamethrower, just like you always knew would happen!
Yeah!
The devil in here, bitch!
And he's a black man.
Stay yo ass back! Stay back!
James! Let's go!
Yeah.
- You all right? - Yeah. Come on.
Come on. Come on, let's go.
You know what? I got something I wanna say to y'all since I'm guessing...
this is the first time that you've ever been forced to listen to a black man.
You know, maybe you guys should just calm the fuck down.
Black people ain't trying to hurt you!
I mean, technically, I am right now.
But that's only because of what you were trying to do to the white guy.
Think about that!
Google "I Have a Dream," assholes!
It's a teachable moment here, people.
Should burn everybody in here.
(BLOWING AIR)
Run, James!
- JAMES: Oh, shit! - Bring me their fucking heads!
Run, James! Run!
What the fuck are you knocking over the bike for?! Run!
Oh, God. You just couldn't say "nigger", huh?
What?! You can't see the irony in being mad at me about that?
- No! - WOMAN: Motherfuckers!
(JAMES & DARNELL SCREAMING)
- It's Nazi titties! - And they're huge!
Get out!
Oh, shit!
- WOMAN: Whoa! - DARNELL: Bitch, get your white ass off!
Goddamn it! Ugh!
JAMES: Oh, go, go, go!
- You blew up my club, Jew Hair! - Oh, shit!
JAMES: Post-racial America, assholes!
- DARNELL: Fuck you, Nazis! - JAMES: Yeah!
JAMES: I'm so glad to be back in Crenshaw where it's safe.
My heart is just now finally settling.
Yeah. We're alive.
How about we make a toast to escaping fucking Nazis.
Yes. Heh.
You really are innocent, aren't you?
Yes.
- Absolutely. - Okay, so James, if that's the case...
then why aren't you trying to find the guy that framed you?
We are.
Who are?
Now, Martin has a team of investigators working around the clock.
He's keeping me up to date. But the million-dollar question is:
- Who falsified my transaction records? - All right, lay it on me.
All right. Now, this is very complicated to follow.
I don't expect you to get it on the first pass, so listen very carefully.
The one thing you need to understand at the Wealthrop Fund...
is that everything flows through Martin.
- Okay? - Okay
Any sort of contact with the clearing house, the traders...
access to trading records and client information...
international accounts, institutions...
and, of course, the doling out of commissions all goes through Martin.
- So it's Martin. - No.
Are you fucking ki...? It's common sense, James.
Look! All arrows point to Martin!
The only name on the board is fucking Martin!
Martin! Martin! Martin!
Come on! James, you need to focus.
You're going to prison unless you can prove that Martin did it.
We'd need to get a hold of the master records...
which is a log of all transactions made by anyone in the firm.
- Okay, how do we get it? - Martin has the original copy...
on the same computer that he had when he started the company.
You got to be the dumbest genius I've... Get up, James!
- All right. - Fuck the board! Let's go, James!
We're going to Martin's office.
Act natural, James. You walking like you guilty.
- Hey, big guy, you catch the game? - Yeah.
Hey, big guy, my name is Ken. I work here.
(BOTH SHUSHING)
(WHISPERING) It's in this cabinet.
We just have to figure out a way to get the door open.
Watch out.
I got it.
Ugh. There it is. Same computer he had when he started the company.
It's a good luck charm.
Good luck charm, my ass.
It has no connection to the outside world. No emails, no internet, no trace.
JAMES: There it is. The master records.
That's what we need. This will clear my name.
Well, then let's not waste time. Get it.
Yes! I'm not going to prison.
More importantly, I'm not gonna be anyone's bitch.
Hey, you are living the dream, my friend.
- Darnell? - Yeah?
Look, you saved my life.
- I don't know how I'll ever repay you. - Oh, come on, man.
Just this once.
(CHUCKLES)
MAN: All right, break it up.
Leave the cart there and back away. Move away, come on. Move, move.
I actually respect you for trying, but enough is enough, James.
All right.
What are you doing?
James, what are you doing?
DARNELL: Don't mad-dog, James.
(GROWLING)
He's gonna shoot us.
What the fuck?!
(BARKING)
No. He's gonna kill us, man.
- Do you want some?! - Oh, fuck!
- Do you wanna step with me?! - God!
You'd better... Don't...
(GRUNTING)
DARNELL: Oh.
The gun! Grab the gun!
- Huh? - Why don't you pick up the gun!
Uh...
- Grab it! - Yeah. I got it, I got it!
I got it. Yeah, I got it.
You look a little nervous. First time holding a gun?
Nope.
Motherfucker, freeze!
Before I pop yo ass!
"Pop"? Really?
I would listen to him. This man's a dangerous felon.
Yeah, except when I ran his record, it was the cleanest one I'd ever seen.
Not even a parking ticket.
- Yeah. - What?
You didn't know? Yeah.
Stop dicking around and give me the gun. Come on. Give me the gun.
I think you have the safety on.
Shit! Ow.
Ugh.
See? Safety's on.
Safety off.
Martin was right. You are a lucky little shit.
Don't give me reason to find you again. Either of you.
Don't you mad-dog me, James.
Listen, listen, I got some explaining to do. James!
We can talk about this after we go catch this guy.
You traitor!
- "Traitor"? - Everything you taught me was a lie!
And now I'm fucked beyond all fucktitude!
My life's asshole is fucked!
You stop with your unorthodox style of cussing!
You just remember:
Whatever happens to me in there, it's your fault!
Oh, stop. That's bullshit, man.
Okay, I may have lied to you about going to jail, but I did my job. I got you ready!
Ready for what?!
Maximum-bullshit prison?
I almost sucked a dick because of you!
I don't even give a shit.
It's my sign.
Now, the great thing about an IRA, if you need the money for education or a first home...
motherfuckers can make withdrawal penalty-free.
I honestly don't get the difference between Roth and the traditional IRAs.
Fuck is wrong with you? The shit is pretax.
No, it's okay. A lot of people get confused by that.
This bitch is gonna mess around, get us audited.
- Say what you mean. - You got five years' receipts, motherfucker?
And the strip club ain't no home office!
That's a red flag, nigga!
You big beanbag-build bitch!
Stop it! You all friends! Right?
Now JoJo, you might be right.
A strip club isn't a home office.
You're asking to be audited, son.
But is being right more important than friendship? Huh?
Take it from me.
I lost my black friend.
Don't lose yours.
Hug.
Hug, motherfuckers!
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, man.
- I'll love you forever. - Hey, bro, you know, it's just talk.
Say, cos, you ready to get put on the hood?
I'm rolling.
(ALL CHEERING)
RUSSELL: Mayo, I need you to sink your mind into this, cos.
Once you step through this threshold, motherfuckers are ready to kill for you.
I mean a whole fraternity of motherfuckers gonna have your back.
But there's only one way out of this.
That's when your casket drops into the ground.
So from this day forward...
you have eternal protection...
until your eternal demise.
We dead-ass serious about what we do.
And if you go through that threshold and you make it back...
we gonna be dead-ass serious about you.
Time to smoke some fools.
Crenshaw Kings for life, motherfucker.
Hmm. Almost.
Let's roll.
SHONDA: Hey.
You come back safe.
I will, Shonda.
- MAN: We gotta go, Mayo. - Bye, baby.
RUSSELL: Let's roll, cos.
(SCREAMS)
Hold up! Oh, shit! Wait, wait, wait!
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Hey! It's Darnell! It's Darnell!
- It's Darnell! - What the fuck are you doing here?
Shit, cousin! Man, tell them to put their guns down!
Man, put them up.
DARNELL: God!
What is your problem, man? What are you doing?
Man, give us a second.
I'm blooding in. Crenshaw Kings are gonna protect me on the inside.
So you're gonna go and kill somebody, James? Huh? Have you lost your fucking mind?
I have to. I don't have a choice.
That is not true.
I came here to tell you we can clear your name, James.
But you gotta trust me, man.
We gotta roll, Mayo.
"Mayo"?
- Who the fuck is Mayo? - I'm Mayo. It's my gang name.
It's short for "Mayonnaise" on account of my skin color.
I came up with that.
- Okay, you wanna go then? - What?
- You wanna go? - What are you doing?
Putting fingerprints on your gun. If you go to jail, I'm going to jail with you.
So before you out there and make a stupid-ass decision, why don't you think about that?
There you go.
That's it? My fingerprints are off that easy?
Pretty much. Good as new. Let's roll, Mayo.
James, you got a choice right now. You got the right path, you got the wrong path.
Make the right decision, James.
Follow your heart, man.
James, you gotta trust me on this one.
Oh, my God! I almost did it! I almost killed a man!
And I was gonna use this gun.
James, put that away, man! Stop!
(PANTING)
- What is your problem? - I don't know.
They were just encouraging me...
and they were high-fiving me.
They're passing me this sticky icky.
And between the pot and the hos...
it was just an ambrosia of primal sensations.
And for one brief moment, I knew what my purpose was.
- Okay, okay. - Not to mention Russell.
He's so charismatic. Real natural leader. Reminds me of a young Ronald Reagan.
Hey...
Thank you for coming back for me.
Thanks for not doing nothing stupid, man. Let's get out of here.
All right, so listen to this.
I figured out that the residue on Martin's car was saltwater.
Then I remembered the mileage. I used to take a picture of the odometer all the time...
- ...to keep people from accusing me of joyriding. - People do that? That's awful.
Yeah, you did it like three times. You tried to get me fired, but thought my name was Andre.
Anyway, Martin used to drive the same exact seven miles every day.
But last week, he started driving 56 miles every day.
Fifty-six! So, what I did was, I checked the map.
Turns out that's the exact distance of a round-trip to San Pedro.
Saltwater, ocean, San Pedro.
I just gotta figure out why he's going to San Pedro. That's the only thing I don't know.
His yacht.
It's docked at the port.
- Fucker's got a yacht? - Mm-hm. And an island in Cape Verde...
- ...where there are no extradition laws. - Fucker's got a yacht and a island, James?
Fucking working for a villain in a James Bond movie!
He's gonna make a run for it.
Not if Mayo can stop him.
Mayo and Chocolat.
- "Chocolat"? - Chocolat.
- Is that supposed to be my nickname? - That's your nickname.
I'll do better. We have the whole car ride.
Mayo and Coffee.
Mayo and Fudge.
- DARNELL: I don't want one. Just call me Darnell. - JAMES: Hit it, Fudge!
There it is. There's his boat. The Sea Note.
The Sea Note? What a dick.
Come on.
DARNELL: Get down, James. You gotta get down.
- Are those guards? - I think so.
- DARNELL: There's a lot of them. - JAMES: Yeah.
There's the computer.
I see it.
James, you gotta get low!
(ENGINE REVS)
- JAMES: Oh, no. They're getting ready to leave. - Shit. We gotta jump.
All right.
- Get off my hand! - Sorry, I'm nervous.
Let's go!
(GRUNTING)
Darnell! I made it!
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
JAMES: Let go of my face!
- That's all you, James. All you, James! - Aah!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Okay. Come on, this way.
There it is.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Oh, shit!
(ALL GRUNTING)
Get off! Get off!
Get off.
Dammit.
This is the end, guys.
You going down.
That's great. I spend my whole life in Crenshaw...
and now I'm about to get killed by some white guy from Beverly Hills?
- On a yacht! - I'm so sorry.
Hand over the computer, James.
Come on. Just can't get it through your head?
Guys like you will always be the fall guy because you're weak.
Are you okay?
James? James. No. James, please.
Goddamn, James. Please, please, James.
I sentence you to 10 years in a maximum security prison.
You about to get this:
Oh, they be fucking in San Quentin.
- In this house? - Mouth full of balls.
- Come back, Mayo. - Take it all.
When life puts a dick in your mouth, you make dickade.
Go suck a dick.
Your capoeira's strong!
Now you must bring your power into the world.
What? James. What are you doing?
I've been pushed around for too long.
Now it is time. I can feel it.
- Time for what, James? - Protect the computer!
Shit! I don't want the computer!
Bênção kick!
(ALL GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Oh, God!
Oh, shit!
(GROANS)
Leave me alone! Stop! No!
James! James!
(SCREAMS)
All right, get down there. Come on.
(GRUNTING)
(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Mayo and Chocolat, motherfuckers!
Aah! James, you mean to tell me you could do this shit the whole time?
Capoeira must never be used unless capoeira is required.
Let's go.
Motherfuckers!
(SCREAMS)
Okay! Okay!
(JAMES SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(IN ENGLISH) Come here!
That's what we do!
Mother...! Get off!
James.
Do like we used to do in the yard.
Yeah! You got it, James.
Fuck yeah, James. Get his ass, James.
(SCREAMS)
God.
DARNELL: I got the computer.
- Lifeboat. Come on. - All right.
Hey, that capoeira shit was amazing.
But you learned some of that shit from me too. Right, James?
James. What's going on here? What the hell did you do to my boat?
Man, fuck this boat!
We taking the evidence that you framed your son-in-law with, sick son of a bitch.
How could you do this to me, Martin? Ten years in prison?
James, you realize that I didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm very fond of you, but Himalayan Tiger tanked...
and I had to get the money from somewhere. I had no choice. It was you or me.
That sounds like a choice!
James, fuck him. We're leaving.
And next time you wanna store some fraud shit, get an iPad.
Come on, James.
- Oh, my damn. - Alissa.
- James. Daddy, what's he doing here? - MARTIN: It's fine, honey.
Uh, James.
I have a wonderful idea. Why don't you come with us?
We'll start a whole new life in Cape Verde and nobody has to go to prison.
Don't you want...
a big, big island?
- Were you in on this? - No, not at first.
And when he told me about it, I was really mad at him.
But then he explained how he was able to hide most of the money...
so, really, there's no harm done.
James, now there's still time to get everything you want.
Everything.
No! I don't want any of it.
- And you got a white girl's ass. - Ah!
Thattaboy. Hey, James, do you wanna switch off, man? I got nothing left up top.
- JAMES: Quick, throw it in the Zodiac. - Right. Then we can get the fuck out of here.
(GUNFIRE)
- Shit! Goddamn it! - Aah!
I am genuinely sorry it had to end this way.
When we clear the breakwater, shoot them.
You ain't got to do this, man.
You ain't got to do this.
Well, Dad, looks like you thought of everything, didn't you?
You were always one step ahead of me.
Except you forgot one little detail.
(GRUNTS)
Where'd that come from?
First rule in prison pat-downs:
Always check the anus.
Someone learned how to keister.
- Ew. - That's right. Nuts and butts.
You point? Okay. That's how you wanna do it?
You point at him. I'll point at Martin.
Either way. So if I die, Martin's going.
So you figure it out. Shoot me, Martin gets shot.
Ball's in your court, Gayle.
- Alissa? - Shoot her.
Shoot her. You need to shoot that bitch anyway.
You're not gonna shoot me.
You're wasting time. Police'll be here any second.
That's right. We're talking the real police.
The ones that's gonna come here on boats with sirens on them...
that's got dogs that can swim. Let me tell you something about swimming dogs.
Now, let me tell you, you're gonna bullshit a bullshitter...
just make the bullshit plausible.
MAN: This is the U.S. Marshall Service. Prepare to be boarded.
You are carrying a fugitive.
Yes!
Heh. Hell yeah.
Oh, shit.
How?
Remember this bracelet that crooked lawyer of yours gave me?
By my calculation we should be well outside the county line.
Prison school's in session, bitch.
And somebody just graduated.
That's perfect. That's perfect.
That's great, right?
Attention Sea Note. This is the U.S. Marshal Service.
- DARNELL: Where you going? Huh, Martin? - JAMES: Where you going?
What?!
- Look at you, man! - I know.
God, look at you!
Where did you put...? That was in your ass. That was in your ass.
JAMES: The computer proved I was innocent.
Martin was arrested for fraud, tampering with evidence and obstruction of justice.
ALISSA: And I will be contacting my attorney. Daddy?
JAMES: As for me, I was cleared of all charges related to the embezzlement.
So I guess we did it.
Mayo and Chocolate.
Thank God we won't be needing this anymore.
This illegal, unlicensed gun.
- Okay, you should really get rid of that thing. - MAN: Gun!
- MAN: Drop it! - Oh, shit.
JAMES: I did end up getting six months for carrying an unlicensed weapon.
(GATE BUZZES)
But, thanks to Darnell, I was ready.
Prison is like life distilled to its purest form.
Give respect to get respect.
But most of all, if you let someone fuck with your food, you're a punk fuck bitch.
Someone should have told you this Mayo went bad.
I'm gonna punch you in the fuck!
I'm gonna shit you!
Merry Dickmas, Santa Cock!
Martin didn't do as well. But he learned a valuable lesson too.
They be fucking in San Quentin.
- How ya doing? - JAMES: A whole lot of fucking.
Hey! Open up. Open up.
JAMES: Shonda visited me every day.
I never thought prison would be the place I learned to love again...
but that's what happened.
No, no, no! She's not done. She hasn't finished yet.
No, it's not what you think. We're in love.
JAMES: I helped the FBI find and return all the assets Martin stole.
In return, they unfroze my bank accounts, and I knew just where to invest my money.
DARNELL: It's good?
It's good, right?
Makayla, you proud of Daddy?
Daddy did good? Give me a hug.
Daddy, I like your car wash.
I'm glad you like it, sweetie.
I see you survived.
I guess you got hard, Mayo.
No. You made me hard.
Come here, man. Heh.
Aah!
You made me hard.
So hard.
You got me so hard.
I'm happy to see you too, big fella. I'm happy to see you.
There was a moment where I stopped being hard...
but I thought of you, and it got me hard again.
And I can't ever thank you.
All right.
Welcome home, man. Come on, let's get in the car.
You look good, James.
Welcome back to the free world, James. How you wanna celebrate?
JAMES: You know what I'd like to get my hands on? A Wall Street Journal and a 40.
Now that'd be a perfect Sunday morning.
(ENGLISH - US - SDH)
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