Do you ever pretend you're dead at home, just practise?
Do you ever pretend you're dead in the bath -
just hold your nose and float around like a bloated corpse?
Have you ever contemplated suicide
just because you're in a convenient spot to do it?
You're not particularly unhappy -
'Yeah, that'd work, if I was going to do it. '
Like, I was bushwalking the other day with some friends.
It was a beautiful day. We were all connecting and chatting.
We went on this big ridge, we looked at the horizon.
There's a huge drop. I looked over, and the voice in my head went, 'Jump. '
'What?' 'You heard me. '
'Why?' 'You know why. '
I was making some toast the other morning.
Had the knife in my hand, looking at the toaster, waiting for it to come up.
The voice said, 'Stick it in. '
'Why?' 'You know why. '
I blame my father.
People always say to me, 'Where do you get your sense of humour from?'
I say, 'My old man,'
'cause I figured out early on that there was something really wrong with him.
She goes, 'You're better looking in real life. '
Sounds like a compliment.
What it means is, 'Because on TV, you look like shit. '
You know, my whole life, I've tried to improve myself,
ever since I was a young kid. I used to read a lot, try and make myself better.
You know what I've realised now that I'm older? You can't. It's hopeless.
You'll never be anything different than what you are.
It's a happy story!
When I was a kid...
For a long time, I thought my mother was dead, when I was a kid.
I walked in the lounge room - 'Dad?' He goes, 'What?'
'Where's Mum?' 'Your mother?
She went mad and shot herself. '
I was eight.
I recently went to an old girlfriend's wedding. I don't recommend it.
I thought it'd be cool, going to an old girlfriend's wedding.
It's all a bit French and everything - 'Cool. We're all happy now. '
Shit.
The predominant feeling at an old girlfriend's wedding is, failure.
Look at the happy couple on the altar. 'She's happy now.
I've never seen her smile like that before. '
I've still got old girlfriends' numbers in my phone. I can't let go.
Some part of me thinks, 'Maybe we'll get back together.
Maybe I'll ring them, drunk, at two in the morning -
'Hey! How are you? I've been thinking about you lately.
Let's have a kid. '
What can I say about this fella? I mean...
We both met starting out,
and it's just been an absolute pleasure, watching him grow.
I love him like a brother, and I'd like to propose a toast to my friend.
Manny, congratulations on a really successful tour, mate.
Here's to Manny.
Thanks, everyone. Cheers.
Is your old man coming?
Nah. Knew he wouldn't.
- Never does. - Ah.
Oh, anyway, let's just go and enjoy ourselves, eh?
Yeah.
Come on, get into it.
I can't be bothered.
Mate, you need a woman.
Who are half these people, anyway?
It doesn't matter. There's some fucking gold in there, mate.
Yeah.
Just come and meet some of them. Come on.
Come on, mate. Just go and have a dance!
Come on!
I really connect to everything you say.
Thanks. I appreciate that, but it's just jokes.
No, you don't understand.
What you say is the truth.
You mean, like a prophet?
Yes, you are, in a way.
Would it be strange if I asked you for a hug?
Probably.
OK. Ah, sorry.
Nah, it's alright.
Anyway, um...
When we had hangovers, we would have these Manny days.
We'd all get together and make these really strong bloody Marys
and watch your DVDs.
What, you only find me funny when you're drunk?
No, no. I...
So, are you, like,
a manic depressive?
- Yeah, I am, a bit. - So am I.
No, I'm not really. Sorry.
Apparently, you need, like, four hugs a day to actually survive.
If you don't get hugs, if people don't get hugs,
they can actually die.
How do you know? How do you know if it's manic depression?
You might just be miserable. Misery's not a disease.
It's just misery.
Nothing wrong with being miserable,
unless you hang around a bunch of happy people.
- They shit me. - Do they?
Yeah. Happy people shit me.
You don't shit me.
Thank you.
'Cause you look like how I feel.
You To Me Are Everything
Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again?
I'm Not Coming Back
What are you doing out here, mate? There's girls in there.
What am I going to do with them?
Have sex with one of them.
I might just go home.
I've got some good news for you.
That's Joel Hillman.
- Who? - Joel Hillman.
- The American promoter. Remember? - Oh! Yeah, yeah.
Mate, the big US tour's coming off.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
You're a classic, mate.
What?
- You alright? - Yeah, I'm alright.
Yeah, I'm fine.
- Cheers, mate. - Cheers, mate.
- All good.
America, here we come.
I've never been there.
They shouldn't let you in.
You know how they say, 'Smile, and the whole world smiles with you'?
No, they don't. They think there's something wrong with you.
I see someone walking down the street, smiling,
the first thing I think is, 'Drugs. '
If you see someone happy, you think there's something wrong with them.
You don't notice all the miserable, unhappy people though.
They fade in the background, because that's normal.
You know, when you're famous...
Being famous is, well, it's hard sometimes.
It's like you're a marked man.
You walk the street, people are staring at you.
They point, whisper your name. 'There's Manny over there. Look at him.
He's got a funny head. '
Like you've done something wrong. Sometimes I feel like a criminal.
All I did was make them laugh.
Even prostitutes recognise me.
I walked past one the other day. 'Hey, Manny, want to come up for a freebie?'
'No, thanks. I'll pay. '
G'day, mate.
How are you?
You're a nice puppy.
You by yourself tonight, hm?
By yourself?
Where's your mates?
Did they go on?
See you next time.
Abs workout targets all those flabby bits
I just couldn't get rid of.
I have been working out...
Welcome to Fantasy Hotline. We're just putting you through to our first...
Welcome to Fantasy Hotline.
I'm just putting you through to our first available lady.
The young and beautiful Caroline is ready to take your call.
- Hello? - Hello?
Hi. I'm Caroline.
Who am I talking to?
Me. I'm...Thomas.
Thomas! Tell me what you look like, Thomas.
I've got brown skin. I'm really tall.
Mmm! Tall men turn me on, Thomas.
Yeah. We're all tall in my family. What do you look like?
- Long, leggy, curvaceous. - Oh, yeah?
I love long, leggy, curvaceous.
Tell me, Thomas, what turns you on?
Whatever. I like to do anything. What do you like?
Let's start with a long and slow back massage.
What? You're going to give me a back massage?
Oh, yeah! You'll love it.
- I don't really want a back massage. - You're so tense!
- No, I don't want one. - Let me press my thumb...
I said I don't want one.
Back massage?
I don't want a back massage!
It's my money. $5 a minute.
Fuck. It's cheaper to go and get a proper massage.
Hello?
This is my fantasy.
I don't lay in bed at night thinking, 'I'd love to have a back massage
over the phone. '
Well. Mm, I really upset you.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry I snapped at you.
I just feel like talking, really.
What do you want to talk about?
um, back massages? Just kidding.
Whatever.
It's better than watching TV.
Thomas. Sounds like a Czech name.
Are you Czech?
I don't know.
I'm a bit of everything, really.
I'm a mongrel.
Mm, sounds strong.
Yeah.
I got big arms.
I've got a beard.
I'm really manly.
No, I'm not.
I'm bullshitting.
I'm 5'7", bald. I've got wing nuts.
What's a wing nut?
Wing nuts. You know when your ears stick out like a wing nut?
Wing nut?
Yeah, that's what you call someone with big ears - wing nuts.
Anyway, that's what I've got - fucking wing nuts.
You think it's funny that somebody's got wing nuts, do you?
No! I think it's funny that you call them 'wing nuts'.
Anyway, let's get off my wing nuts. Let's talk about something else.
This is supposed to be an erotic phone call, isn't it?
If you want it to be.
Do you want it to be?
Not really.
You're funny.
Yeah, well, that's one thing I'm good at.
What, you're only good at one thing?
Probably.
I'm not good at anything else, really. I mean, sometimes I feel like a loser.
Yeah? Why do you feel like that?
Ah, let me see - it's three in the morning, I've got the curtains drawn.
I'm talking to someone I don't even know, having an erotic phone call.
I mean - loser.
I'm kind of doing the same thing.
Yeah, but at least you're getting paid for it.
Anyway...
..it's late. Probably should go.
It's been nice talking to you though. Caroline, was it?
Yeah. OK, Thomas.
See ya.
Bye.
Hello?
- Hello? - Hello.
- Is that Caroline? - Yeah.
It's me, Wing Nuts.
Thomas. You're back again.
Yeah.
Um...
..do you ever...
Do you guys, I mean, people that do your thing,
are you allowed to kind of meet up with people you talk on the phone with?
I'm not saying I was thinking of doing that.
I'm glad you're not thinking about it, Thomas, because unfortunately, I can't.
I was just asking.
I'm not saying I was going to do it anyway.
I don't even know you. I mean, you could be a freak or whatever.
- You can always call. - Yeah, I know.
I feel a bit stupid now.
Anyway, I'd better go to bed. It's $5 a minute.
OK.
Anyway, I'll see you. I won't see you. I mean, I'll...
I'll talk to you, whatever.
OK. Bye.
Dickhead.
Yoo!
Go and score a goal, mate.
How did you end up?
Oh, you know, the usual.
Jo was pissed off, I had a spew.
Yeah, good times.
You are a disaster.
Yeah, I know.
So how are you feeling about your time off?
Yeah.
What are you going to do for two months?
Dunno. Sit around, stare out the window,
wonder what's happening in my life, cup of tea, kill myself.
- You know, normal shit.
Before you top yourself, Sad Sack, think about the American offer.
Yeah, I will. What are you going to do?
I'm doing it.
Come to Dad, mate!
Jump on Uncle Manny.
Oh! Alright.
- Is that your dad? - No.
Oh, yeah.
He can't say that!
- I'm your real dad. - You're not my daddy.
- He's my dad. - No, he's a drunk.
No, my dad's over there, my dad's over there!
You talk a lot about your father. What does he feel about it?
Ah, he whinges a bit. He's always whingeing.
He's always saying, 'Comb your hair. It looks like a bloody half-sucked mango. '
My head's too big for my body. I've got no arse. I look like a foetus.
You're being a bit hard on yourself, Manny.
- And I've got wing nuts. - You really think you've got wing nuts?
Yeah, look at them.
Either that or my head's too small for my ears.
People always come up and say, 'I just look at you and laugh. '
I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not.
Right - America. So, do you want to do it or not?
'Cause I need an answer.
Yeah. Why not?
OK. You know it means living there.
They'll effectively own you. Is that a problem?
No. Let's go, let's go.
OK. Alright, we'll get them out here for a show.
Yep.
- There's just one more thing. - What's that?
They want you to go out live on national television, the whole show.
Why?
To see if you can do it.
- What, perform? - Yeah.
I've done it a million times.
What difference does it make if there's a camera in my face?
That's just the way they do it, mate. That's the deal.
So do you want to do it or not?
Yeah, I'll do it.
Gold! Alright, well, I'll book the State.
What the fuck is that?
Dunno, mate. Just eat it.
You love your caramel slice.
Yeah, just like Mum used to make.
- See you, mate. - Ciao, Manny.
Ah, Hermann Hesse.
It's a good book.
- You've read it? - Yeah.
It's about a miserable bloke who wants to kill himself
until he meets a woman who teaches him how to dance and enjoy life.
- Well, there goes the ending. - Oh, sorry.
It's OK.
Anyway, I'm Manny. I ruin novels.
I'm Maria.
- I think I've seen you. - I was just here.
- Anyway, I'd better get going. - OK.
Even though I've got nowhere to go.
- I'll see you around. - OK.
Hey, ah...
Sorry.
Do you reckon I could get your number and call you,
and maybe have a coffee and ruin another book?
Um, sure.
Great.
Do you have a pen?
No. Do you have one?
No.
I think Armando...
Man, here!
Oh. Yep.
The finest comedian!
How are you going, Dad?
How the bloody hell are you?
You finally decided to visit your old man.
- You could visit me. - Here we go. Don't start.
- You started. - You can't argue with you, can you?
You've always got to have the last word.
- If I don't, you will. - How's your shows going?
- Good. You should come one time. - I don't have to.
I know what you talk about. You talk about me half the time.
It's all bloody bullshit anyway.
- What's that? - What?
DVD with a naked girl on the front.
Oh. Cloudy gave me that awhile back.
- You ever watch it? - Nah.
Bullshit. Stick it on.
You've got to be fit to do that.
You had enough?
You wanted to watch it.
Just wanted to have a look. I didn't want to watch the whole thing.
I feel a bit sick now.
Well, what do you want to do?
Do you want to go out for lunch or something?
Lunch? Don't be fucking stupid!
- Why's it stupid? - Go to some bloody poofy cafe
and pay ten bucks for one carrot? There's bloody food in the fridge.
Well, forget it.
Do you want to go for a walk?
What am I, your girlfriend?
You never bring your girlfriends out here.
I would if I had one.
When you going to make me a grandfather?
When I get one of them pregnant.
- Beer? - Beer?
It's 11:30.
Didn't the doctor say you shouldn't be drinking?
Mate, I gave up smoking.
Haven't had a root since your mother died.
Drinking's the only thing I've got left. I'm drinking. Do you want one or not?
Yeah, righto.
Right. Ring her up, say hello,
ask her how she is, try to listen to the answer, if that's possible.
Talk about the weather, not for too long.
Then just ask her out and get the fuck off the phone.
Hi. Maria speaking.
Oh, hi. It's Manny from down the cafe.
Oh, hi, Manny. How are you?
Yeah, I'm good.
How are you? It was warm today, wasn't it?
Yeah, a little bit.
I was just wondering, are you doing anything on Saturday night?
Saturday I'm busy. I'm sorry.
Oh, OK. Well, what about Sunday?
No, Sunday, I'm busy all day and night.
Oh.
OK, well, maybe I'll just see you around some time.
Um, I'm not busy tonight.
If you're free tonight.
Yeah, I am. I forgot about tonight. That would be good.
Great!
Perfect! Alright, I'll see you then.
OK.
Yeah!
This Charming Man
Jesus.
Can you be normal tonight, is that possible?
Just be normal. Don't tell her about your colonic.
You know what, don't even talk about your arse.
Just leave your arse out of the conversation.
When she talks, listen, you know?
Don't glaze over while she's talking, otherwise you look bored.
You might be a bit bored at some point. That's cool.
Just don't let on that you're bored.
Don't act sexy, whatever that is. We can't be sexy.
I'm not sexy. You sexy? Nobody's sexy.
Pay for the meal. That's a good idea, 'cause you asked her out.
That's the law. If you ask them out, you've got to pay.
Don't shovel the food in your mouth like a guts, even though you are a guts.
Just pretend that you're not a guts, for one night.
Can you do that, please?
Just be normal, alright?
Normal.
He always does that.
First time I came here, I got beers.
Now every time I come here, he gives me beer before I have a chance to order.
I kind of like it, even though I don't feel like beer sometimes.
Would you mind if I had wine?
He might get pissed off. He's from Czechoslovakia.
They're all a bit depressed there.
Excuse me?
Could I get a glass of red wine, please?
OK.
It's alright. I'll have hers. I feel like two anyway.
Hey, look, it's a mandorla.
- What's a mandorla? - Mandorla is the almond shape
that the two circles make when they overlap.
That's the mandorla.
Right.
Yo, funny guy!
Mate, great!
- Friend of yours? - Yeah, no.
I know him from work and stuff.
I know. I've seen you perform.
Oh, yeah? Hope you got a few laughs.
- Yeah, I did. - Just a few?
Oh, no. I thought it was really funny.
All of it?
Do you like feedback about your show?
Sort of. I mean, over the years, I've heard it all.
Some people say I'm great, some people say I'm shit.
No, I loved it. Manny, I think you're really funny.
But, um,
if you don't mind me being honest, you looked a bit tired.
I am.
20 years of telling people what I think, what I reckon...
I mean, I like making people laugh, but I'm worn out.
Anyway, what do you do?
Um...
..I work in a call centre.
Oh, yeah? What do you call people about?
All sorts of stuff.
Mysterious! What sort of stuff?
Just all sorts of jobs.
It's confidential.
You know you've got a really nice voice? Really feminine and calming.
Thank you.
If I didn't know you and I was talking to you on the phone,
I'd think you were really sexy.
I wouldn't tell you what to do,
but you could make a lot of money, using your voice.
There's something I should tell you.
Radio commercials and GPS and fantasy hotlines.
I'm not saying you do that, but...
Anyway, that's just what I reckon. Sorry. What were you saying?
I... I forget. Thanks for saying all that.
I should go. You've probably got things to do.
Oh, OK.
No... I'm sure you're busy too.
Yeah. Anyway...
OK.
I'm up for another drink if you are.
Sure.
Right.
I know this really nice place around the corner.
Let's go.
Mambo!
♪ LATIN PIANO AND PERCUSSION
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Mm, salt.
- I love salsa. - Yeah?
What do you like about it?
- Look how happy they all are. - Yeah.
- It's pretty sexy. - Yeah.
Can you salsa?
Yeah, probably when I'm pissed, do my own version.
- You want to give it a go? - Really?
- Yeah. - Ah...
- Come on. - Come on!
Hang on.
OK
Hello?
Hi, it's Manny.
You know, the guy from the awkward hug in the street?
Yeah.
I just wanted to say, thanks for tonight. I enjoyed it.
And um, see you soon.
See you soon.
Alright. Oh, by the way, I'm not stalking you.
Alright. See ya.
Bye.
Probably should have waited a couple of days before I called her.
Wait for what, some other bloke to call her?
I don't want to look too desperate.
I am desperate!
I don't go out with anyone.
You can't look too keen.
What do you want to look like, then - a fucking zombie who doesn't give a shit?
That's attractive.
Hello?
Caroline?
Thomas?
I haven't heard from you in awhile.
Believe it or not, I've met a girl.
How's it going?
Mm, good.
Just 'good'?
It's got potential.
But, you know, the normal stuff comes up.
You know - you always find something wrong with them.
Like what?
Nothing serious. Just normal stuff. I mean, it's just boring.
Oh, no. This is interesting.
Well, I feel bad for saying it, but...
..she makes this noise with her lips when she's eating.
What noise?
'Mm-num-num-num... '
Drives me nuts.
Yeah.
So what else bothers you about her?
She's a bit straight.
Straight?
Yeah, just a bit old-fashioned. But, you know, I can get around that.
Well, there must be something you like about her.
Do you find her attractive?
Yeah.
Well, what do you mean, 'yeah'?
Well, she's not a glamour, but I don't like glamours anyway.
I like girls that look like they want to make soup and watch DVDs.
I don't know. I always feel this way.
I start going out with someone, I feel like bolting at the same time.
Why?
Getting close to someone and all that stuff.
I just get scared.
But I like her.
She looks to me in the eye when she's talking to me.
I've been having fun with her. She's great.
Dad, can I please go and play with the ducks, please?
Yes, mate. Off you go.
Ever think about leaving your wife and kids and going back to your old life?
Every day.
Why don't you?
'Cause I love my family.
Fair enough.
You should have one, you know.
I reckon you'd love it.
A bit of balance in your life instead of performing all the time.
Yeah, I know. I'm not against it. Just got to get a girlfriend first.
Well, stop fart-arseing around and get one.
Sure. What else am I going to do, sit around and blow-dry my pubes?
Right. So that's a yes, then?
Yeah, alright.
Ethan! Don't piss on the ducks, son.
- Hello. - Hi.
Come in.
Oh!
- Wow! - Yeah.
My God, you have the harbour and the city.
When I'm feeling happy, I look at the harbour
and when I'm feeling depressed, I look at the city.
When I don't feel anything at all, I just stare at the carpet.
Do you want a cup of tea?
That'd be great.
Mm, yum!
Iced VoVos. I love Iced VoVos.
- Do you? - Mm-hm.
- Ever do that thing? - What thing?
You know, where you take the pink stripes off first, then leave...
I'll show you.
- Watching? - I'm watching.
Mm...
What's so good about the red bit?
I don't know.
I've been doing it since I was a kid. It's just fun.
I got a little bit of the rim.
I didn't understand any of that - 'Rr-rr-rr-rp.'
- What are you looking at me for? - You've got coconut...
You're not supposed to make eye contact when you do it. Quite creepy.
Good.
You've got some coconut...
- Yeah. I want it there. - Just leaving it?
- Yeah. - For dinner?
- For Ron. - Who's Ron?
Later on.
Boom!
You don't know that one? That's so old.
Boom!
Champion.
Loser.
Are you watching?
Tada!
What is it?
It's my trick. It's the Opera House.
- Oh, yeah! - That was my trick, growing up.
Oh, right. Where'd you grow up?
- Gympie. - Gympie?
Gympie.
- Parents still out there? - Mum's still there.
Oh, yeah? What about your old man?
My dad, I haven't seen since I was 13.
Oh, right.
♪ Shy and pretty girl
♪ All the way
♪ From Gympie
♪ She packed her bags
♪ And headed down to Sydney
♪ She wanted to be freer
♪ Mm
♪ Maria. ♪
That was very sweet, you wrote a song about me.
Actually, it's about this other girl in Gympie called Maria.
Bad joke, sorry. Yeah.
Um, so...
..what do you want to do now?
I brought some soup. I don't know if you like soup.
You made soup?
I love soup.
And I don't know if you feel like watching a movie.
Yeah You brought a movie and soup. Good guess.
Let's watch it.
She's great. We got along really well. It was like a perfect date.
- Great! - Well, not perfect.
There's always something missing.
Like?
She always has her hair up. Kind of looks like a librarian.
She wears loose clothes. I mean, what's she hiding, what's under there?
Who knows?
It's not the only thing.
The thing is...
..I think she's beautiful.
She doesn't know it.
That's what I really like about her.
What is it?
You look great.
Really?
Yeah!
OK. Thanks.
Shall we?
Oh, no, this is going to be embarrassing.
Come. Armando!
- Hey! - Hey.
Maria!
How are you?
This is Manny.
- You're very muscly, very brown. - Oh, thank you.
Are you enjoying it?
Yeah.
It's kind of like beans and meat, really.
It's feijoada.
Fezh-what?
Feijoada.
Sounds like you're saying, 'Fish water'.
Aren't they great?
Yeah. No, it's good.
Bit loud, don't you reckon?
They offered me a spot on the boat back to Hio.
Back to where?
Rio de Janeiro.
Oh, I see.
What?
I mean, Rio de Janeiro?
No. In Brazil, we say, 'Hio de Janeiro'.
I'm soh-hy.
I'm Hong.
So...
..you going to go?
I'd love to.
I don't know. It's a fantasy.
What, who?
Did you always want to go to Brazil?
Well, they all seem really happy.
They know how to have fun.
Yeah, right.
- Hey, funnyman! - Incoming.
- Can we swap chairs? - Yeah.
If he comes over, we'll pretend we're having an argument,
and he'll leave us alone.
What did you just say?!
- I was just... - How dare you!
I don't have to put up with this. I'm leaving.
Jesus! You don't hold back, do you?
That really hurt!
- Does it really hurt? - Yeah. Ow!
She's thinking about going to Brazil.
And how do you feel about that?
To be honest, there's always part of me that feels relief.
Relieved of what?
The burden of having a girlfriend.
You've got to deal with their shit,
you've got to listen to all the things they have to say about you.
I mean, I don't need help hating myself.
It's exhausting, being a boyfriend.
But you know...
..I don't want her to go.
So?
How's it going with the new girlfriend?
It's great.
I just love talking to her.
What?
Your whole face changes when you talk about her.
Yeah, I know.
I've got that sick feeling though.
What do you mean?
You know, when something good is happening?
What? Stop looking at me.
Don't be like that.
Hi.
Do you like kids?
Sort of.
You ever think about having them?
Jesus! Three dates, we're having the kid conversation.
No, I'm just curious.
I'm not against them, I mean, if the right person comes along.
I don't really think about that much.
Except their parents with their fucking eyeballs bulging out of their heads,
going, 'I haven't slept in two years!'
- It's him! - Uh-oh.
- What? - Incoming.
- What do you want me to do? - Dunno.
Was that a real kiss or a fake kiss?
This is a fake one.
And this is a real one.
What did that feel like?
A real one.
I wish those guys would come back.
Let's go for a swim.
- Serious? - Yeah, let's do it.
- No way! - Come on, it'll be great.
- We'll get wet! - Yeah!
- You go in. - You don't think I will?
Go on, then.
What about now?
- I'm still not going in. - Come on!
- I don't want to. - Stop thinking!
Come on, it'll be fun. Don't be such a killjoy.
I said, I don't want to!
Anyway.
Sorry for snapping.
I just don't like water.
Why don't you like water?
I just don't.
Can we just go home? So...
I'm OK. I'm just going to get a cab.
Yeah.
Bye.
People who have one-night stands, some people have judgement about -
'That's disgusting, sleeping with someone you don't know. '
Don't you think it's just as disgusting
to sleep with the same person for 40 years?
'Good morning. You again. '
Performing live in a one-off special, 8pm Sunday night on Seven.
Hello?
Caroline?
Thomas?
How are you?
I've felt better.
Why, what's up?
Do you really want to know this?
Yeah. What happened?
This girl I've been seeing, we had a bit of a weird fight tonight.
Basically, I didn't want to do something, she kept pushing me,
and I snapped.
What do you mean, pushing you?
I said I didn't want to swim in the harbour.
And she just kept going, and...
..trying to make me do it, and I didn't want to.
Maybe she was trying to be romantic.
Yeah, that's what she said, but I don't like to be pushed.
I've just always had this thing.
I just hate getting wet.
Why?
Well...
..when I was a kid, I remember having a bath...
..my old man coming in, furious about something
and holding my head underwater.
I mean, I don't know what I done wrong.
It's kind of funny though.
Crying and blowing a bubble at the same time.
That's terrible, Manny.
Yeah, I know. It was terrible, but...
Sorry, what did you...
What did you just call me?
Hello?
Did she call me 'Manny'?
Did I say I was Manny?
How would she know?
Hello?
Caroline? It's Thomas.
Is everything OK?
Well, I just found out something really weird about the girl I've been seeing.
Mm. What's that?
I don't think she's being honest with me.
I just feel like she's not who she says she is.
I guess we're all a bit like that sometimes, aren't we, Thomas?
No. I'm honest.
I'm sure you are.
Maybe she has reasons for doing what she does.
Yeah? What reasons?
Yeah, so, meet the woman of your dreams?
I don't want to meet the woman of my dreams.
I have nightmares.
She's going to have three heads and a tail,
vomit coming out her eyeballs - 'Aaargh!'
Actually, there's an easy way to break up with someone.
Next time you're making love to them, just whisper in their ear, 'Mummy.
You remind me of my mother. '
That'll do the job.
If she stays after that, then you're in trouble.
When I was a kid, I was having a bath.
I must have done something wrong, 'cause Dad came in all pissed off
and held my head underwater.
I don't know if he was punishing me or teaching me to swim.
Before he used to belt me, he used to say, 'Hey, son!'
I'd say, 'Yeah?'
'This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.'
I used to think, 'Yeah?
Not unless you miss and hit the chair.'
Before he used to hit me, he used to test my eyesight.
'See that, son?'
'Yeah, I see it.'
Ah, fuck!
Hi, Manny. It's me.
Would you please call me? I just...
I just want to talk.
Bring Yourself Home To Me
♪ I'm like a cripple that's got an itch to scratch
♪ On a limb that's not there anymore
♪ There's still mud on our brand-new sheets
♪ I stepped into a puddle
♪ When I saw someone that looked just like you
♪ I leave the radio on all night
♪ Sooner or later it puts me to sleep
♪ So bring yourself home to me
♪ Bring yourself home... ♪
Hey, say something funny to my cousin.
Fuck off.
♪ Bring yourself home to me
♪ I can't remember what I said, can't remember what I did
♪ The dishes were still in the sink, all my clothes were on the bed
♪ You slammed the door and the rain turned to pins
♪ It gets dark early now, and the lights aren't on when I come in
♪ I leave the radio on all night
♪ Sooner or later it puts me to sleep
♪ So bring yourself home to me. ♪
You're not listening to me, dog, but I don't care.
You come when I tell you or I'll smash you.
You can look away all you like, dog.
I had to go all over the place looking for you, like a dog.
I'll give you a good belting!
Hey!
What are you doing?
What?
What do you have a dog for, if you treat it like shit?
It licks my feet, Manny, not yours.
- Don't beat the dog up, you cockhead. - Wanker!
Doesn't matter. Don't beat your dog up. What's wrong with you?
- Just stick to your jokes, Manny. - Don't push me, you dickhead.
What?
Why don't you try me?
It's my dog! Get your fucking own dog.
Why don't you feed the fucking thing?
Oi!
Coppers!
- The cop shop's right there. - Yeah, well...
- What's going on? - He punched me in the face.
No, I didn't.
Let's go.
So...
..what was going on last night?
It's all over the internet, mate. It's in the papers.
So what?
People get pissed.
You know they've all got those camera phones now.
- Everyone's seen it. - Who cares?
Manny, I care.
And the Americans that I just picked up from the airport, they care.
And the network that's forking out a shitload of money for your show care.
As long as I do a funny show, what's the problem?
OK, I'll tell you the problem.
It's not just about the show, Manny.
I've been on the phone to them for an hour
trying to convince them that you're not a total disaster.
I'm sorry you have to work for your money.
What do you want for 20%? To shake people's hands,
take your family out for a good time on the weekend, huh?
Alright, mate, you're a bit out of control.
All I'm saying is, just try not to ruin everything while they're here.
Just stay off the piss.
That's rich, coming from you.
At least I'm not drunk in front of my kid.
I think I might just walk home.
Yeah, good idea.
Hello?
How are you?
Are you home?
Can I come over for a bit?
Righto.
See ya.
What happened to your hand?
I punched a mirror.
Why'd you punch a mirror for?
Pissed off.
What with?
What did you think of me when I was a kid?
Well, you were a good kid.
You were a funny little bastard.
You used to make me and your mother laugh.
Why do you want to know that for?
You know I was terrified of you as a kid?
Were you?
Why?
You used to hit me.
I ain't been thinking about that lately.
Life's been shit.
I've been thinking about when I was young, for some reason.
Well, I apologise for hitting you, mate.
Alright...
Bye.
Bye, friend.
Where's your girlfriend?
Too hard, Pieter.
What too hard - girl?
Yeah.
Hey, Pieter?
Yeah?
Why do you always give me a beer when I don't even order one?
I know you. I know your brain.
You think, think, think, never decide.
I give you beer, you drink.
Have beer, have woman.
Don't think.
The number you have dialled has been disconnected.
Hello, Fantasy Hotline.
Ah, hi. I was hoping to speak to Caroline, PIN 713?
PIN 713 is no longer with us, I'm afraid,
but I can put you through to another lovely lady.
Oh. Well, where'd she go?
I'm sorry, I can't say. But I can put you through
to another one of our gorgeous girls, if you'd like to chat with one of them.
No, that's OK. Thanks.
Maria!
Manny?
She's gone, Manny.
Do you know where she's going?
Man, she's going on the boat to South America.
South America?
You didn't know?
No.
They sail tonight.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Manny, she wanted me to give you something.
Thanks, mate.
Hey, Manny - good luck for the show tonight.
Thanks, mate. Cheers.
Ladies and gentlemen, please make your way into the theatre.
Manny Lewis Live will commence shortly.
G'day, mate.
Ah, Joel, this is Manny. Manny, this is Joel.
- How are you going, Joel? - I hear you're a funny guy.
That's a great crowd you've got out there.
Yeah, they're alright.
- Congratulations. - Well...
..if it wasn't for this bloke, I wouldn't have anything.
I'd still be working on a building site. So...
..thanks, mate.
Well, as they say in the business...
..chookers. We'll talk later.
OK! Nice to meet you.
- Got everything? - Yeah, mate, I'm alright.
- OK. - Hey, ah...
..is the old man in?
No. Sorry, mate.
- Two minutes, Mr Lewis.
Yeah, righto.
Right. Let's go be funny.
Live across Australia,
please welcome our very own funnyman, Manny Lewis.
So, where were we?
Nice to be here. I was just over there,
and it wasn't very nice over there. It's better over here.
I hope you laugh tonight.
I hope you laugh a lot.
Actually, I hope a little bit of wee comes out.
That's a good night.
You go home - 'How was the show?' 'Look at my pants! Great show.'
I love performing. I've always performed, ever since I was a kid.
I had no choice. My parents used to get drunk and dress me up.
We used to have these African nights.
Mum would take all my clothes off,
get a lettuce leaf and a bit of string and wrap it around here.
'Do the dance.' 'Righto.'
But I don't like watching performers.
I went and saw a country singer the other day, and they shit me.
Before every song, he'd say,
'It's a beautiful song, and it goes a little something like this.'
I feel like saying, 'Mate, just play it exactly the way it goes.
How long have you been playing that song, and you haven't nailed it?
You should say, "It's a beautiful song, and it goes exactly like this."'
I don't know what 'wrong' is. It's a funny thing, wrong.
What's wrong?
Washing your tea towels with your underwear?
I mean, it all gets in the mix. The soap powder washes it out,
but it just feels like I'm drying the dishes with my bum.
Yeah, but anyway.
My dad was very precise, you know?
He said, 'Listen, son, don't use this in life, use this,'
which I took to mean, don't hit people, headbutt them.
When I was a kid, walking into the lounge...
- You alright there? - Yeah. Go ahead, I'll catch up.
I was eight.
When I was a kid, I was having a bath once.
I must have done something wrong...
..'cause Dad...
Dad came in...
Come on, son. Spit it out!
People always ask me about the stuff I do about Dad.
They say, 'Your father sounds like a hard man.'
He's probably not as hard as I make out he is.
I do love him.
I probably should leave him alone for awhile.
How am I doing, Dad?
Proud of you, son.
I'm proud of him.
Except for the time that he shit his pants.
He's making that up.
I threatened to tell Mum for years...
..but she was doing the same.
I'd like to sing a song now, dedicated to a girl.
It goes exactly like this.
♪ Met her downstairs
♪ In the cafe underneath her flat
♪ She was reading a book
♪ About some old guy about to top himself
♪ She looked kind of lonely
♪ She looked kind of sad
♪ The reason that I knew
♪ These were feelings that I had
♪ To make her happy
♪ Is all I wanted to do
♪ We went out dancing
♪ Our steps went from 1
♪ To 2
♪ The closer that we got
♪ The more that we forgot
♪ About all the bad
♪ Feelings that we had
♪ I met her downstairs
♪ In a cafe
♪ Underneath her flat. ♪
Thank you.
Here's to a fantastic performance and a brilliant career.
I'm going to make your son a star in America.
He's already a star.
- He certainly is, sir. - I know.
OK.
Sa'ude!
Brazil!
Brazil, Maria!
We're all very happy. It's going to be a great adventure.
This is for you to sign.
Thanks, mate.
It's, ah, it's everything we agreed upon, mate. It's fine.
You cool?
Yeah.
Just give me a minute, mate.
I'll just go have a word.
Let me, Jimmy.
We got a problem?
No, Joel. I think it's just a bit of cold feet.
Maria!
I don't feel good, Dad.
Listen, son...
..I never did much right in my life.
Could have been a better father...
..better husband.
But one thing I can be proud of...
..the day I told your mother I loved her.
I was scared!
I thought she'd laugh at me.
It was the best thing I ever did.
It gave me everything I have.
All I'm saying is...
..don't be afraid, son.
Don't be afraid.
Thanks, Dad.
Is everything alright, Jimmy?
Oh, everything's fine, Joel.
Let me buy you a drink.
Cruising Yacht Club, thanks, mate.
Maria!
I love you.
I love you!
Captions by CSI Australia