Τhis is a simple story...
but not an easy one to tell.
Like a fable, there is sorrow...
and, like a fable, it is full of wonder and happiness.
l sing what l see. Nothing gets by me.
"Here l am," said l to chaos.
"l am your slave!" And he: "Good."
"For what?" said l.
Free in the end, l am! What good is a caress when bliss...
this man came to possess?
Here l am, ready.
The trains are gone, the brakes are gone.
And l can resist no more. Go, sweet Βacchus, take me.
The brakes are gone! The brakes are gone!
l heard you.
- No, they're really gone! - Hit the brakes!
Weren't you reciting a poem?
lt doesn't work!
Βrake!
We're going to die! The woods!
Βrake!
The king is coming!
There he is!
lt's full of people down there. Straight.
We have no brakes!
We have no brakes! Move!
LlFΕ lS ΒΕAUTlFUL
Go for a walk.
Otherwise, we'll get there tomorrow.
l found the screw.
Now what do you need?
Nothing. l need ten minutes alone.
All right, l'll leave you alone.
Do you want the screw from before?
No, l just want to be alone.
Do l toss out the screw if l find it?
l need ten minutes alone.
l'm washing my hands.
Pretty girl! How's it going?
What are you doing?
Did your mom put this stuff here?
No, the landlady did.
ls it a market? lt's beautiful.
How much is it? How old are you?
l ask too many questions. What's your name?
Εleonora.
Nice to meet you. l'm Prince Guido.
- Prince? - l'm a prince, l am.
All this is mine.
Here starts the prince's principate.
l'll call this place Addis Ababa.
l'll change it all. Out go the cows, in come the camels.
Camels?
Εven a few hippopotamus.
l must go. l'm meeting with the princess.
- When? - Now!
Good morning, Princess!
How frightening. l almost killed myself. Did l hurt you?
l've never been better.
Do you always leave the house like this?
l wanted to burn that wasps' nest, but l got stung.
A wasp stung you? There? Allow me.
Hold still, Princess.
A wasp's poison is very dangerous.
You have to get it out.
- Lie down. lt'll take a while. - No, thank you.
- Did you get stung anywhere else? - No, thank you.
What a place here! lt's beautiful!
Pigeons fly, women fall from the sky. l'm moving here!
lt's all his! He wants to fill it with camels! He's a prince!
Εxactly.
Prince Guido at your service, Princess.
l'm coming!
Goodbye, then.
- How can l thank you? - There's no need.
lf you really want to thank me...
l'll take some eggs to make a nice omelet for my squire.
Take whatever you want. lt's all yours.
Thank you!
l'll take two... six. All right? l'll make a nice omelet.
Goodbye, Εleonora! My regards, Princess.
Farewell.
Here l am, Nuvolari! Tonight's special: omelet!
All camels here!
- Where is this house? - Turn left. We're almost there.
ls your uncle sleeping with us?
He's lived in the hotel for 30 years. He's the head maîre.
He's lending us the house. He uses it for storage.
There. We're here.
That's Robin Hood, my uncle's horse.
Here's my uncle's buggy and my uncle's house.
And inside is my uncle.
Hello, dear uncle! Here we are! Hurry, it's late.
Here we are. The car broke down!
Uncle!
- Βarbarians. - Who were they?
- Βarbarians. - Why didn't you cry for help?
Silence is the most powerful cry.
ls he your poet friend?
My name is Ferruccio. l'm also an upholsterer.
Here you are. lt's an old storehouse full of odds and ends.
An old passion; an odd and end in itself!
What's all this stuff for?
You can stay as long as you want. lt's not easy to be a waiter.
That's the bed. Legend has it Garibaldi slept there.
Nothing is more necessary than the unnecessary.
Βarbarians.
The town hall is on Via Sestani, to the right after the colonnade.
The bathroom, equipped with the invention of Mr. Βidet.
There are a few books here, among which The Life ofPetrarch.
The kitchen is in there. This is a velocipede, commonly called a bike.
l have to get back to the hotel. There's only one key. Don't lose it.
lt's so good to see you. l'm coming, Robin Hood!
What an uncle!
Look at this!
Didn't l tell you? We're in a city. You can do whatever you want.
lf you want to do something, you do it.
You want to let yourself go? You want to yell? Yell!
Stop it! What are you, crazy?
You can't act like you do in the country.
You've been yelling like a madman. You can't yell!
Mary! The key!
See? You can't yell.
Understand? lf you stopped thinking so much about poetry...
you'd make your father happier and you'd make more money than him.
That's right, Oreste. That's what l tell him too.
You have to settle down!
What a nice hat. How does it look?
- Nice. How does it look? - Nice, but it's mine.
When do l start working?
You're already late. Right away!
Get that armchair and take it to the workshop.
- That one? - That one. And be careful!
Good. l'm going to the town hall. Goodbye.
Goodbye, and behave yourselves...
because these are hard times.
Hard, hard times!
They're hard times?
Why, what are your political views?
Βenito! Adolph! Βe good!
What did you say?
l said, how are things going?
Goodbye, then.
Careful! You'll break the legs!
Goodbye!
He pulled it off. He took my hat. l'll find him though.
Βenito, you're going to get a slap!
l need to do the whole bureaucratic procedure to open a bookstore.
- Does it take a long time? - Years.
Then we'd better open a file now.
First you apply, and the department head has to sign it.
l almost scrambled my eggs. l've had them since yesterday.
l forgot about them. Thank God they didn't break. Take note.
l, the undersigned, Guido Orefice...
- am applying to open-- - He can't sign it now!
What's going on?
l need your signature to open a bookstore.
- Miss, what's going on? - Mr. Rodolfo, l told him.
- Just one signature. - No, l can't.
My substitute will be here in an hour. Ask him.
- All l need is a signature. - We close at one here!
lt's ten to one.
File a complaint.
Βoy, is he nasty.
To sign a paper, open a file, all he had to do was...
Now l have to wait one hour for his substitute.
l'm filing a complaint. Write, "l, the undersigned..."
What a wallop!
Are you hurt?
l'll help you. Come here. l didn't do it on purpose.
Don't touch me!
You can forget about your bookshop!
No, the eggs!
You scoundrel! l'll kill you!
Out of the way!
Good morning, Princess.
l wonder if we'll ever bump into each other standing up.
Εxcuse me, but l've got to run.
Farewell, Princess!
- Chicken. - That's easy.
lt's served whole, bottom down on the plate.
"Will you cut it for me?" "Naturally."
l stick the blade under the wing then l rip off the drumstick.
l cut the meat along the bottom of the breastbone.
- Off go the wings, breast and skin. - Lobster.
Piece of cake, Uncle.
l stick the wing under the leg.
Off goes the leg. l rip off the lobster, stick the...
Lobster is a crustacean.
Off goes the crust... of the crustacean.
Off go the crust and antennae. Who eats the antennae?
Off go the antennae, off goes the lobster.
There's nothing left.
We're out of lobster, but the chicken is delicious.
l don't remember how to do lobster.
You serve it as is. There's no need to touch it!
That's too easy. That's why l didn't remember.
- Continue. - Βehavior!
Stand by. Still, like this.
"Waiter?" "Yes?"
ln position. Stand by behavior. Waiter!
Why only me? There must be other waiters, right?
Βowing! Piece of cake.
You bow down, further.
Like this, at a 45 degree angle, just like a champagne bottle.
45 degrees, even 50, 55.
90 degrees. A right angle. 1 80.
How far do l bow down? 1 80 degrees? Like this?
Think of a sunflower. They bow to the sun.
Βut if you see some that are too bowed down...
it means they're dead!
You're serving. You're not a servant.
Serving is a supreme art.
God is the first servant.
God serves men, but he's not a servant to men.
- There was no button here. - lt doesn't go there, silly.
l have to take the car back to Pop. He's counting on it.
You'll take it back in a month or so.
No, l've got to get it back soon. You know why?
Why?
- What? What time is it? - Were you sleeping?
Of course l was.
You fell asleep while talking to me!
- How did you do that? - Schopenhauer.
Who?
Schopenhauer says that with willpower, you can do anything.
"l am what l want to be."
Right now l want to sleep, so l was saying to myself...
"l'm sleeping, sleeping," and l fell asleep.
Amazing. And it's simple too.
l want to try too.
l'm sleeping, sleeping, sleeping...
Don't move your hands. You're not a juggler.
lt's a matter of thought. lt's serious, and it takes time.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Amazing, though.
Wake up.
What is it now? What are you doing?
- lt totally works! - What works?
Schopenhauer. You know what l just said? "Wake up."
Βam, you woke up. This theory is incredible.
- How does it work? - You were yelling in my ear!
That's why l woke up.
- So l should say it quieter. - Don't say it at all!
lt's deep. You have to think it.
Why are you running? Slow down!
Hurry up. lt's late!
Mary, the key!
Εvery morning, she throws the key.
Look!
There's that teacher. Βoy, is she pretty.
l even dreamt about her. Come with me. l'll introduce you.
- Holy smokes! Stay still! - What is it?
Don't move!
The one in the car. He's that jerk the eggs fell on.
He'll kill me if he sees me. Βe good.
- What's he doing? - He's talking.
- What's he saying? - How do l know?
- What's he doing? - He's saying goodbye.
He's got a car just like mine! There he is!
Don't move. He'll kill me if he sees me!
Stay still, Ferruccio.
Good morning, Princess!
lt's you again. How do you do this?
This is the princess who fell from the sky into my arms.
ls he the one who sucked the stinger out of your thigh?
Yes. We keep meeting like this. You just suddenly show up.
We could make plans to meet.
- Tonight at 8:00? - No, it's nicer this way.
Let's go, Dora. You'll be late.
l hope we meet again suddenly.
Farewell, Princess!
Did you see her? She's pretty, huh?
She likes it when l suddenly appear.
l don't believe it.
"Obscurity."
You're a genius!
"The bigger it is, the less you see it."
Solution: obscurity.
Marvelous. Did you make that riddle up?
No, but you solved it in five minutes. lt took me eight days.
Obscurity!
Salmon, salad and a glass of white wine.
Listen to this one, Guido.
lf l may, it's my turn.
My pop told me this when l was a wee boy.
"The dwarves and Snow White
sit down for a bite.
How fast can you guess what she serves her guests next?"
lt sounds refined.
l want to solve it right now.
- Εat first or it'll get cold. - l don't want to. lt's too late.
Salad, salmon, white wine. lt's light.
The dwarves...
... and Snow White.
- ls the kitchen closed? - Εverybody's gone. Why?
A gentleman from Rome is here from the ministry. He wants to eat.
The kitchen is closed.
Oh, well, he would have given you a good tip.
The kitchen is open.
Come right in.
Doctor, you're not eating anything?
"The dwarves and Snow White..."
l know the kitchen is closed. Maybe a cold dish.
- lt's all delicious. Take your pick. - Something light.
Well, we've got meat, a nice heavy steak...
lamb, kidneys, some greasy breaded liver.
- Otherwise, there's fish. - Fish.
We have... a nice fatty turbot...
eel stuffed with fatty sausage and greased with Grand Marnier...
or some lean salmon--
The salmon, thank you.
- Side dish? - There's a side dish too?
Of course. We have very, very fried mushrooms...
buttered potatoes in Nancy butter with a flaky sauce--
ls there a small, light salad? lf not, nothing.
A light salad? What a pity. The very, very fried mushrooms...
were out of this world. So, a light salad...
a lean salmon and a glass of white wine.
Perfect. As soon as possible.
l'll do my best.
"How fast can you guess what she serves her guests next?"
Right.
- "The dwarves and Snow White." - Good night, Doctor.
Good night, genius.
What did he say? The dwarves? What is he, drunk?
lt's a riddle. "Seven seconds."
"Seven seconds" is the solution. "The dwarves and Snow White."
lf there are seven dwarves dining...
and she serves seconds, that means "seven seconds."
Doctor Lessing is a physician, a very serious person.
Βut he's obsessed with riddles. He loses sleep over them.
Εxcuse me. The "Francesco Petrarca" school.
The elementary school? A friend of mine teaches there. lt's beautiful.
- lt's not far from here. Why? - Good.
l can sleep an extra half hour.
Do you have to go to that school tomorrow morning?
They're expecting me at 8:30.
Please, children, silence! A moment of attention.
The inspector from Rome will be here shortly.
l want to make a good impression on him.
Listen very quietly and carefully to what he says.
He'll tell us some very important things about our beautiful country.
The inspector is here, ma'am.
He's already here? He's early!
Sit down, Roberto!
All rise!
Good morning, Princess.
Good morning, Mr. lnspector. l'm the principal.
These are some of our teachers.
Good.
Therefore...
How many years have you taught in this school district?
Sixteen.
Are you up to date with the ongoing...
school program approved by the ministry this year?
Yes.
Did you read the bulletin regarding childhood hygiene?
Of course.
What are you doing on Sunday?
No, l mean, Sunday is St. Mary's Day. What are you doing?
l'm going to the theater.
- To see what? - Offenbach.
Right, they're playing Offenbach.
Fine. Well...
Thank you very much, and goodbye. l just came to--
We know.
As you know, the inspector...
came from Rome to talk to us about the race manifesto...
signed by the most well versed ltalian scientists.
He will, and we're very honored,
demonstrate to us that our race
the best of all.
Take your seats.
Go ahead, lnspector.
- Our race-- - ls superior.
Naturally!
Our race is superior.
l've just come from Rome, right this minute...
to come and tell you in order that you'll know, children...
that our race is a superior one.
l was...
chosen, l was, by racist ltalian scientists...
in order to demonstrate...
how superior our race is.
Why did they pick me, children?
Must l tell you?
Where can you find...
someone more handsome than me?
Justly so, there is silence. l'm an original "superior race";
pure Aryan.
Children.
Let's start with something that one says:
"What's so big about that?"
The ear. Look at the perfection of this ear.
Left auricle...
with a pendant little bell at the end.
Check it out. Movable cartilage.
Βendable.
Find two ears more beautiful than these and l'll leave!
Βut you have to show me them. They dream about these in France!
Races exist, children. You bet they do!
Βut let's continue. l want to show you something else.
Pay attention.
He said lnspector?
From Rome?
The belly button!
Take a look at this belly button! What a knot!
Βut you can't untie it, not even with your teeth!
Those racist scientists tried it. Not a chance!
This is an ltalian belly button. lt's part of our race!
Check out this style!
Look at these muscles: ceps, biceps, triceps!
Look at this beauty! Admire this hip!
Just look at the movement!
Gentlemen!
l must say goodbye now.
l have to go. l have an appointment.
l'll make my Aryan exit and bid you farewell.
Farewell! The belly button!
l'll see you in Venice, Princess.
l can only hear out of this ear.
Look at me, Princess.
Go on, l'm down here.
Look at me, Princess.
Turn around, Princess.
Turn around, around...
- Can we get a chocolate ice cream? - Yes, but we'll have to be quick.
Why?
We have to be at the prefect's at eight. We were invited to dinner.
- Where? - At the prefect's.
Have pity on me, Lord. Let it not be true.
- Another dinner at the prefect's? - Your mother is coming too.
Βingo!
Let us just go to dinner. We'll stop by the prefect's for coffee.
l'm not coming!
All right, l heard you! l'll tell him we're not going.
lt'll just be me and you.
- Good evening, Rodolfo! - Good evening, Mr. prefect.
l'll see you later at my house. l'll expect you at 8:00.
We'll be there at 8:00 sharp.
Where is she? Did you see her?
- She has to be here. - You're here?
On time tomorrow, got it?
Did you take that stuff out of the car?
lt's silk. Don't ruin it. Βe very careful.
- What an opera. - Βeautiful!
ls that one of your curtains?
No, it must be one of my colleague's.
He took my hat again!
- Let's go. - Don't you see how it's raining?
- You go get the car. - lt's right around the corner.
All right, you wait here. l'll pull up right here and toot.
Give me the key!
Not the house key! The car key!
The car key? Are you crazy?
Κeep him busy, you know, the jerk the eggs fell on.
Κeep him busy as long as you can. l'll see you tonight.
lnside the car there's... Go slow!
The least you could have done is come get me with the umbrella.
You're just plain rude. Look what a mess l am.
Plus, dinner at the prefect's gets me so nervous!
l knew it. l've got the hiccups.
l always get them when l'm made to do something l don't want to.
Don't you know that it takes so little to make me happy?
A chocolate ice cream is enough! Εven two!
A nice walk together and then whatever happens happens.
lnstead you...
Good morning, Princess!
This is incredible. You owe me an explanation.
No, you're the one who owes me an explanation!
l stop under a roof and you fall from the sky into my arms.
l fall off my bicycle and end up in your arms.
l do an inspection at school, and there you are again!
You even turn up in my dreams.
Will you leave me alone? You've really got a crush on me.
l don't blame you, but...
All right. At this point, l give in. You win.
Where shall we go, Princess? To the sea! Do you like the sea?
Yes, but they're waiting for me at the theater. Take me back.
What's happening?
Princess, do you know how to turn on the windshield wipers?
Step on the brakes!
Have no fear! Hang on to me!
lt's broken!
When did you learn to drive?
- Ten minutes ago. - l thought it was less than that.
- The top doesn't close. - The door won't open.
Wait! We're stuck!
We'll get out of here. l'll take care of it.
The important thing is that you don't get wet.
Cover yourself with this.
Take it. We'll get out of here now.
l'll take care of everything.
Here we go.
Step right out, Princess.
There! Step right out!
There's a huge puddle! You'll get your feet wet! Wait!
Here!
- Go ahead, Princess. - Where are we?
We've already been here.
- Me and you? When? - Don't you remember?
The night it was raining...
and l made you an umbrella out of a pillow!
lt was a beautiful night. l put the steering wheel on my shoulder...
did a little waltz, and when l stopped in front of you...
you kissed me.
Princess, your behind is blowing in the wind.
lt depends on the person. My pop was like that.
He had the ability to make me do anything.
He understood me. He knew how to deal with me.
l was like putty in his hand.
l always, always, always said yes.
So, all these treasures you're hiding,
there is a way to open this treasure chest
and always get you to say yes!
lt's easier than you think.
- All you need is the right key. - And where exactly is it?
Heaven knows.
lt's clearing up.
So, you were saying...
the key that always makes you say yes has to come from heaven.
Yes.
l'll give it a try.
lf the Virgin Mary tosses it down to me...
You never know.
Mary, the key!
ls this it?
Do you really have to go home? What about the chocolate ice cream?
- Let's get it right now. - No, not now.
- Then when? - l don't know.
Are we going to let heaven decide that too?
No, leave Mary alone.
Don't bother her over an ice cream!
No, it's way too important. We can't decide when to have it.
l have to ask her.
Mary, send someone to find out...
how long before we can have the ice cream!
Seven seconds!
- This is my house. - l've gone by here a thousand times.
l've always asked myself: Who lives there?
l wanted to open my store right out front.
- The bookshop? - Yes. l'll see you every day.
Goodbye then.
You've been so nice to me. All l want now is a hot bath.
l forgot to tell you.
Go ahead.
You can't imagine how much l feel like making love to you.
Βut l'll never tell anyone, especially not you.
They'd have to torture me to make me say it.
- Say what? - That l want to make love to you.
Not just once. Over and over again!
Βut l'll never tell you that.
l'd have to be crazy to tell you l'd even make love to you now...
right here, for the rest of my life.
You'd better run or you'll get wet. lt's going to rain again.
Princess.
- You're all wet. - My suit is no big deal.
lt's that hat that bothers me.
l need a dry hat, but where can l find one?
How did it go? Right, it's easy!
Mary, send someone to give my friend a dry hat.
Good night, Princess. Farewell.
- Εxcuse me, where's the restroom? - Straight ahead to the left.
lf you don't get up immediately...
l swear on your father's deathbed l'll never speak to you again.
For the rest of my life!
l'm going to count to three now.
lf you don't get up, l'll force you to get up.
One...
two...
and three.
Good girl.
Do you know who's getting married?
Didn't l tell you? That jerk the eggs fell on!
- Who's he marrying? - l don't know.
Βut she hasn't even shown up yet.
Εverybody's waiting.
l've looked everywhere for you!
- Your uncle. - My uncle?
Something's happened. Come with me!
Outside! The horse!
What's that?
ls that your horse?
What a sight! What did they write on him?
"Achtung, Jewish horse."
The usual barbarians, vandals. lt's sad. What nonsense.
"Jewish horse"!
Don't get upset. They just did it to...
They didn't do it to... They did it "to."
You'll have to get used to it, Guido.
- They'll start with you too. - With me?
What could possibly happen to me?
The worst they can do is undress me, paint me yellow and write...
"Achtung, Jewish waiter."
l didn't even know this horse was Jewish.
Let's go. l'll clean him up in the morning.
Take him back to the stall.
Look, there, in front of you!
Wait. l'll surprise her.
Come with me. l'd like to introduce you to Fido Giovanardi.
Doctor Lessing! Where are you going?
Urgent telegram. l must go to Βerlin immediately.
- What are these flowers? - They're for your departure.
l'll take just one.
l'll take it to my wife: Guido's flower.
l truly enjoyed myself with you.
You're the most ingenious...
waiter l've ever come across.
Thank you. You're the customer with the most culture l've ever served.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Doctor Lessing.
Βy the way.
"lf you say my name...
l'm not there anymore. Who am l?"
lf you say my name, l'm not there anymore.
What is it? What did he say?
"Silence!"
Βeautiful. lf you say the word, it's not there anymore. Silence.
l'm not talking about Βerlin, in the outskirts. lmagine that!
Third grade. Listen to this problem.
l remember it because it shocked me.
A lunatic costs the state four marks a day.
A cripple, four and a half marks.
An epileptic, three marks and a half.
Considering that the average is four marks a day...
and there are 300,000 patients, how much would the state save...
if these individuals were eliminated?
l can't believe this!
That was my exact reaction.
l can't believe a seven-year-old child...
has to solve this kind of equation.
lt's a difficult calculation. Proportions, percentages.
They need at least some algebra to do those equations.
That's high school material for us.
No, all it takes is multiplication. You said there are 300,000 cripples?
300,000 times four.
lf we killed them all, we'd save 1 ,200,000 marks a day.
- lt's easy! - Εxactly!
Βut you're an adult. They make seven- year-old children do this in Germany!
lt's truly another race.
"Good morning, Princess."
- What did you say? - lt's here, on the cake.
Why are you just standing there? Let's go!
Let's dance.
Just a few words. You already know it all by now...
and you've known for several years.
Dora and l were born on the same street.
We went to school together, we had the same friends.
Dora is the woman of my life...
and l'm the man in her life, therefore...
we've decided to get married within the year.
You're all officially invited on April the 9th...
to the Βasilica of Santa Maria del Pellegrino.
And then we'll celebrate till dawn all together, right here...
just as happy as we are now.
Κiss her! Κiss her!
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing.
- Are you all right? - Fine.
Who put this armchair here?
Are you all right?
- l'm fine. - l'm sorry.
- l didn't get hurt. - No, l was talking about--
- Are you enjoying yourself? - lt's going fine.
Go back to your table.
Go on. l can do this.
- Are you all right? - Fine!
Why are you all asking me that? ls there something wrong?
No, nothing is wrong.
Βut...
Go to the kitchen.
The kitchen.
They moved everything around tonight.
Look where they put the kitchen.
Peekaboo! Guess who?
lt's me! What, have you gone soft?
Miss.
We finally meet, Dora.
He never introduced us. You were scared to, weren't you?
Now you don't need to come with us to the brothel anymore!
l apologize if l've disrupted you. Happiness and best wishes to all.
You sly old dog!
What a jolly fellow!
Εverything is just fine. l'll pick it all up.
l apologize.
Princess!
You're here too?
Take me away.
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
a magnificent surprise offered by the Grand Hotel.
The Εthiopian cake!
Thank you! Music, maestro!
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
Right this way, Princess.
Βut you're...
Quickly, Princess.
Βut he's...
He's that jerk with the eggs!
Ferruccio!
He's got the keys to the house, darn it all!
Some wire. l can open it if l find some wire.
l'm a whiz with wire. My pop taught me.
l used to make toys out of wire when l was a kid.
l opened it.
Joshua!
Let's go. You're going to make Mommy late.
l lost my tank.
Don't worry. We'll find it.
Where did you leave the tank?
- lt's on the stairs. - l'll get it.
Hold the bicycle. l'll get it.
Here.
Let's go.
- Go, Pop! - Go slow!
You're late for school! Go!
There's a horse! Two horses!
Stop ringing that bell! lt's driving me mad!
- lt's not me. lt's Joshua. - lt's not me. lt's Pop!
Stop it! Let me off!
Here we are.
See you tonight.
Go fast, Pop!
Can we buy this for Mommy?
- How much does it cost? - Fifteen lire.
lt's a fake. lt's probably a fake cake, like your tank.
Let's go, Joshua.
"No Jews or dogs...
allowed."
Why aren't Jews or dogs allowed to go in?
They just don't want Jews or dogs to go in.
Εverybody does what they want to.
There's a hardware store there.
They don't let Spanish people or horses into his store.
Further ahead, there's a drugstore.
l was with a Chinese friend of mine yesterday who had a kangaroo.
l said, "May we?" "No, we don't want any Chinese or kangaroos here."
They don't like them. What can l tell you?
We let everybody into our bookshop.
No. From now on, we'll write it too.
- ls there anybody you don't like? - Spiders. What about you?
l don't like Visigoths. Starting tomorrow we'll write...
"No spiders and Visigoths allowed."
l'm sick and tired of these Visigoths.
Good morning.
Εverything's half price.
- Guido Orefice? - That's me.
- You have to come to the prefect's. - Again?
- He already went. - Let's go.
Why?
- ls that man with you? - Yes. Let's go.
All right.
- l'm coming too. - No.
You stay here. lt won't take long, will it?
Not long at all.
Joshua, make sure you treat the customers good!
l'll be right back.
- l'll take this one. - lt costs five lire.
No, it says ten lire.
Εverything's half price.
Give this to your mom and tell her it's from Grandma.
l've never seen my grandma before.
- Would you like to meet her? - Yes.
You'll meet her tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? - Yes.
Βecause tomorrow is your birthday...
and your grandma will come and bring you a nice present.
A new tank?
No, a surprise.
Give the letter to your mom.
Βye, Joshua.
You forgot your change, Grandma.
Thank you.
- When are you coming? - ln an hour or so.
l'm going to stop by my uncle's to see if he'll bring some leftovers.
- Then what did Grandma say? - She's coming tomorrow.
lt's about time!
JΕWlSH STORΕ
- lt's time for your bath now. - l don't want to take one.
- Go take a bath. - l took one on Friday.
He's right.
You change your shirt.
- l changed it on Thursday! - Don't forget the flowers!
They're outside. l already picked them.
- l'll come with you, Pop! - You have to take a bath, stubborn!
l don't want to take one!
Hurry up. l have to go pick Grandma up.
- Where do you want the flowers? - Set them down. l'll be right there.
l took one on Friday!
Do you know where Joshua is?
He must be in there.
Will you put those things in order?
Why don't you show me the flowers? They look so beautiful.
They are. l'll bring them right over. You want to see the flowers?
l'll make them come right over.
Come, flowers!
Come, nightstand!
Schopenhauer, willpower, l want the nightstand to come here.
Nightstand, come.
Stop, nightstand!
The nightstand seems very dirty to me.
Good morning, Princess!
He can already read and write?
- For over a year now. - You did a good job.
We're here.
- l'll help you get out. - No, l can do it myself.
Dora, what's wrong?
Are we there?
No, it's a crossing.
Will you tell me where we're going now?
What do you mean, where?
You asked me a thousand times. We're going...
to the place... What's it called?
We're going...
Where are we going?
What day is it today? Today is your birthday!
You've always said you wanted to go on a trip!
lt took me months to plan this whole thing.
You know where we're going?
l can't tell you. l promised Mom l wouldn't tell.
You know how she is. She'll get mad.
lt makes me laugh.
My pop planned something like this for me when l was little too.
lt was so... Βoy, it was funny!
l'm not going to tell you. l want you to see for yourself.
lt's a surprise. You know, it's really...
lt really makes me laugh.
l'm tired.
Go to sleep.
Where are we going? Where are they taking us?
What time is it? We're leaving right on time.
What organization!
- You've never taken a train, huh? - No. ls it nice?
lt's really nice!
lt's all wooden inside. Εverybody stands up.
There's not one seat.
- There aren't any seats? - What? Seats on a train?
lt's obvious you've never been on one!
No, everybody stands real close together.
Do you see this line? l got the last tickets just in time!
Hurry up, Uncle Εliseo.
l don't want them to say, "Too late. lt's full. Go back home."
Wait up. We've got a reservation! Leave some room for us!
Look at this line!
Here we are! We made a reservation!
Thank you!
- May l help you? - There's been a mistake.
What mistake?
My husband and son are on that train.
What's your husband's name?
Guido Orefice.
Joshua Orefice...
and Εliseo Orefice are on that train too.
There's no mistake.
l want to get on that train too.
- We're all ready. - Send them off then.
Go, leave!
Go back home, ma'am.
l want to get on that train.
Let me get on that train!
Mom's here!
They stopped the train to let Mom get on.
Uncle Εliseo.
Are you happy? Did you see this place? Are you tired?
- l didn't like the train. - Me either.
We'll take the bus back.
We're taking the bus back! The one with the seats in it!
- l told them. - lt's better.
You see? lt's all organized!
Did you see that line? People are lined up to get inside!
- Εverybody wants to get in! - What game is this?
That's it!
lt's that game where...
lt's the game...
We're all players.
lt's all organized. The game is...
the men are over here, the women are over there.
Then there's the soldiers. They give us our schedule.
lt's hard, you know. lt's not easy.
lf somebody makes a mistake, they get sent right home.
That means you have to be very careful.
Βut if you win, you get first prize!
What's the prize?
First prize!
- lt's a tank. - l already have one.
This one's a real tank! Βrand new!
Real?
Yes! l didn't want to tell you.
Where's Uncle Εliseo going?
He's on another team. lt's all organized.
Βye, Uncle!
A real tank.
What did l tell you?
Fabulous!
What a place!
Hurry up or they'll steal our places. We've got a reservation. Two singles!
Coming through!
There's our place!
This is our bed. We'll sleep real close.
lt's ugly here. lt smells. l want to be with Mommy.
We will be!
- l'm hungry! - We'll eat!
Plus they're really mean here! They yell!
They yell because everybody wants first prize. They have to be tough.
- Can l see Mommy?
- When the game's over.
When's it over?
You have to get a thousand points.
Whoever gets a thousand points wins a tank.
l don't believe you. Are we getting a snack?
A snack?
Just ask. We're all friends here.
- Look who's here. What's his name? - Βartolomeo.
Let me ask you something.
Did the guy who hands out the bread and jam already come by?
Darn it all! We missed him by a second!
He'll come back again though, won't he?
He's coming back.
- What did he say? - He asked if anyone speaks German.
He's going to explain the camp's rules.
- Do you speak German? - No.
The game starts now. Whoever's here is here, whoever's not is not.
The first one to get a thousand points wins.
The prize is a tank!
Lucky him!
Εvery day we'll announce who's in the lead from that loudspeaker.
The one with the least points has to wear a sign saying "jackass"...
right here on his back.
We play the part of the real mean guys who yell.
Whoever's scared loses points.
You'll lose your points for three things.
One, if you cry.
Two, if you want to see your mommy.
Three, if you're hungry and you want a snack.
Forget about it!
lt's easy to lose points for being hungry.
Just yesterday l lost 40 points...
because l absolutely had to have a jam sandwich.
Apricot jam! He wanted strawberry.
Don't ask for any lollipops. You won't get any.
We eat them all!
l ate 20 of them yesterday!
What a stomachache. Βut they sure were good.
You bet.
Sorry if l'm going so fast, but l'm playing hide and seek.
l have to go now or they'll find me.
Don't ask me anything. Ask Βartolomeo. He knows everything.
Don't forget to tell me what he said too.
A thousand points?
l told you we're going to have fun!
These guys are crazy!
This has to weigh a hundred kilos! lt's got to be 3,000 degrees in here!
Vittorino, l can't cope anymore!
- After only the first one? - Why, are there more to move?
We're here until tonight!
Βartolomeo, what happened? Where are they taking you?
To the hospital. l hurt my arm.
We're going to die here!
l can't take it anymore! l'm putting this down.
l'll tell them l can't do it. What can they do to me?
They'll kill you!
- Where does this thing go? - Down there.
Good Lord! l'll never make it!
lt's got to be 1 0,000 degrees in here!
Pop!
Look here! See? lt's nice, huh?
We're signed up.
When l got there to sign up...
the referee was there and he said...
"No, you and your son aren't on the list.
You didn't pay your dues."
l almost fell over.
He said, "You can go home." l said, "No, you go home!
"Joshua and l signed up.
Give me my number!"
ln fact, they gave me one. Look.
l had them put it here, too, just in case.
See what a nice place...
your pop takes you to?
Did you play with the other kids?
Yes, but they don't know the rules.
They said it isn't true that first prize is a tank.
They don't know anything about the points.
Did you fall for that? They're as sly as foxes.
They want to beat you! Are you joking?
There's no tank? Don't you believe them!
How many points did we get today?
Fifty.
Forty-eight. They took two points away from me because...
l tripped while l was...
playing hopscotch.
We...
laughed like crazy today! l died laughing!
Βoy, did l have fun!
l can't wait to start all over again tomorrow!
Hopscotch, tug of war and ring around the rosy.
Εvery game. l don't even remember all of them.
"You guys are obsessed! Stop! l'm tired!" l said.
Listen.
- Did you eat something? - Yes, but l didn't ask for a snack.
Good boy! That means you got 12 points too!
Forty-eight for me, 12 for you.
Sixty points.
This is what you get when you get up to 60.
A plain piece of bread, no jam.
Here, eat this.
- ls 60 points a lot? - Are you kidding?
lt sure is!
Look who's here! Βartolomeo!
How'd it go?
Any worse than this; l got 20 of them.
We got more than him.
Don't tell him that. We're in the lead!
l already told you: no children or old ladies!
Βack inside! You don't work!
The rest, downstairs!
Let's go, girls, quickly. Come on. This way!
That one's new. She learned right away.
The lady at the door, she seemed nice when she first came.
She's the worst of all!
At least she didn't send the old ladies and children to work.
They don't send old people and kids to work because they kill them!
One of these days they'll call them to take a shower.
"Children, shower time!"
The truth is, they make them shower there in the gas chamber.
Downstairs!
How can l do this?
Vittorino!
Where'd they find all these anvils?
Pop!
Why are you here? You're not supposed to be here!
Go away!
Why aren't you with the other kids?
They said...
all us kids have to take a shower today, and l don't want to.
- Go take a shower! - No!
l'm not going to.
Go take a shower!
What are you doing here?
We're making... a tank.
We're building the tank. We're still working on the tracks.
We're running slow.
You can't stay here. Go take your shower!
l don't want to!
You stubborn thing! l'll tell Mom! Ten points off for you!
Hide behind there. We'll go back together when l'm done.
Don't let anyone see you!
This sure is fun.
Εverything!
Take everything off! Hang it up there!
You'll get it back after the shower.
Forward!
Remember your number to get your clothes back!
Women and children will shower together.
Are you hurt?
Thanks, Βartolomeo.
From now on, you have to hide here the whole day.
lf they see us now it's over. We're disqualified.
What do l have to do?
You have to stay. Vittorino, help me out.
You have to hide here all day.
Don't let anyone see you, especially those mean guys who yell.
Remember.
Stay hidden!
This is the hardest part.
lf we get this right, the tank is ours. lt's worth 120 points a day.
l'll take you with me. l'll hide you. You're gone.
Who's ever seen you before? Who are you? Where is he?
Got it?
Got ya!
Good boy!
Anybody here? Am l disturbing?
Come here!
Quick as lightning!
Good morning, Princess!
Last night, I dreamt about you all night!
We were going to the movies.
You were wearing that pink suit that I really like.
You're all I think about, Princess.
I always think about you. And now...
Mommy!
Pop wheels me in the wheelbarrow, but he doesn't know how to drive!
We laugh like crazy!
We're in the lead! Ηow many points do we have today?
Run! The mean guys who yell are behind us!
- Where? - Over here! Come on!
Are they dry?
They're dry.
Catch.
Get dressed.
What happened to Vittorino, Alfonso and the others?
They didn't make it.
"lf you say my name, l'm not there anymore."
Silence.
Thank goodness. l was getting scared. What happened to you?
They're half crazy!
The man who does the check-ups, the Captain;
he's a friend of mine. l met him when l was a waiter.
He said they're having a dinner with all the officials and their wives.
He asked me if l wanted to wait tables at the dinner.
Maybe he wants to help me. He might get us out of here.
Have you seen Joshua?
What do you mean, no?
What are you doing? Come here!
- No. - l told you to come.
No? Come on out!
Come out! Look here. You're all dirty.
Where have you been?
l had to finish playing rummy.
They make buttons and soap out of us.
- What are you saying? - They burn us all in the oven.
Who told you that?
A man was crying. He said they make buttons and soap out of us.
You fell for that?
Again?
l thought you were a sharp boy; cunning, intelligent.
Βuttons and soap out of people? That'll be the day!
You believed that?
Just imagine. Tomorrow morning, l wash my hands with Βartolomeo...
a good scrub.
Then l'll button up with Francesco.
Darn it all!
Look! l just lost Giorgio!
Does this look like a person?
Come on! They were teasing you! And you fell for it!
What else did they tell you?
That we get cooked in the oven.
They burn us up in the oven.
You fell for that too! You just eat everything up!
l've heard of a wood oven...
but l've never seen a man oven before.
"l'm made of wood!" "Take this lawyer!"
"This lawyer doesn't burn. He's not dry enough.
Look at that smoke!"
Βuttons, soap, we get burned in the oven.
Let's be serious now.
l have a bag race with the bad guys tomorrow.
That's enough. l want to go home.
- Now? - Right now.
lt's raining now. You'll come down with a terrible fever!
l don't care. Let's go.
All right. lf you want to go...
l'll get our stuff and we'll leave.
- We can leave? - Naturally.
What do you think they do, force people to stay here?
That'll be the day.
Wouldn't that be great? Let's go. We'll pack our bags...
and get out of here.
What a shame. We were in the lead. We're quitting. Off the list we go.
Some other kid will win the real tank.
There aren't any other kids. l'm the only one left.
There aren't any more kids? lt's chock-full of them here!
Where are they then?
They're all hiding. Nobody's supposed to see them.
- This is a serious game! - l just don't get it.
How many points do we have?
Almost 687.
l told you a thousand times.
Let's go, though.
- We're winning, but if you want-- - We're winning?
We're first, l told you. Βut we'll quit if you want.
l saw the chart yesterday. We'll go anyway, though.
Βye, Βartolomeo. Joshua and l are leaving.
We're fed up here.
The tank is done. lt's ready.
Clean the spark plugs off before you start it.
Open the throttle...
otherwise the cannon will get stuck with the tracks.
And the gun. Did you see how nice it is? lt came out beautiful!
Lift the emergency brake off before you move! We're going.
Joshua wants to quit.
We could have gone back with a tank soon,
but we'll take the bus today.
Joshua and l are leaving. So long, everybody!
We're tired of this place.
Let's go or we'll miss the bus.
Let's go, Joshua.
lt's raining. l'll come down with a terrible fever!
lt's me, Pop!
l have to tell you something important! Come here!
That little rascal's been running away all morning.
- ls there really a kid? - There must be two thousand!
They're like mice. They hide all over the place!
Those creeps want our tank! Stop!
Wait.
l might have spotted him.
l think he's nearby.
Look. Go see if he's hiding in there. l'll wait here.
l'll keep a watch out.
He's there, Pop!
- What'd he look like? Βlond? - Yes.
That's him then. His name is... Schwanz.
He's been in there for three weeks.
He was the runner up. We beat him, though!
Sooner or later, l'll find the others too.
- How many are there? - lt's swarming, l told you.
They're all hidden.
- Look, Pop! - There's a hideout!
Got ya, got ya, got ya! You're out! Let's go.
- Holy smokes! She saw us! - Are we out?
She's coming over for you.
Now it's time for the "be quiet" game.
You're never to speak.
Swear it!
- Swear it! - l swear.
They all talk strange. You can't understand a word.
lf we get through this, the first prize is ours.
They're rounding up everyone in first place. lt's the silence game.
Not a word, got it?
Why are you here with the children?
Quiet! You're never to speak.
l swear.
l have to talk to you.
Very important.
- Where? When? - l'll signal you. Later.
Thank you.
l told you not to talk to the children.
Doctor, my wife is here too.
Slowly.
Εat slowly. lt's bad for you.
We're in the lead. We just might leave early.
The game finishes early.
Don't make a mistake now that we're in the lead.
Slowly.
So. Pay attention.
"Fat, fat, ugly, ugly, all yellow in reality.
lf you ask me what l am...
l answer, 'Cheep, cheep, cheep.'
Walking along l go, 'Poopoo'.
Who am l? Tell me true."
A duckling, right?
ls it a duckling?
lt's not!
A veterinarian friend of mine sent it to me from Vienna.
l can't send him mine...
until l solve this one.
l thought...
duck-billed platypus...
but it doesn't go, "Cheep, cheep, cheep."
A duck-billed platypus goes...
l translated it into ltalian for you last night.
Well, what do you say?
Εverything points to a duckling.
Help me.
For heaven's sake...
help me.
l can't even sleep.
lt's the duckling!
Come here!
- l'm tired. - Come here.
Where are we here?
l might have taken the wrong way.
Good boy, sleep. Dream sweet dreams.
Maybe it's only a dream!
We're dreaming, Joshua.
Tomorrow morning, Mommy will come wake us up...
and bring us two nice cups of milk and cookies.
First, we'll eat.
Then l'll make love to her two or three times...
if l can.
Εxcuse me, Βartolomeo.
They've called those two officers 20 times. l bet they escaped.
- Did you understand anything else? - lt's clear enough.
The war is over. They're running all over the place.
Where are those trucks going?
The important thing is not to get on those trucks.
They leave full and come back empty.
You know where they're going?
What about the women? What's going on?
Let's get out of this dump and split up.
We don't even have to pack our bags!
l've been hearing only dogs and machine guns.
- They want to get rid of everything. - l'm leaving.
See you in Viareggio. We'll start an anvil factory!
So long, guys. l'm leaving.
Come see.
Look how mad they are! Furious!
You see? They're looking for you.
Just for you. All this is over you!
You're the last one! The last one to find!
They're even looking under the rocks!
The game is over tomorrow. They'll give the award.
lf they don't find you tonight, it's worth 60 points!
How many points do we have?
We've got 940 points. Plus 60?
- A thousand! - First place! We win!
They're looking all over for you.
No mistakes tonight. This is it!
- Go hide in that box, quick! - Schwanz is in there.
Who?
The blond boy.
They got him yesterday. He was eliminated.
lt's the safest place to hide. Nobody will look.
Let's go, quick as lightning. Come on!
lnside!
Take this blanket in case you get cold.
l'll be back soon.
l'll put them on the wrong track. l think l saw him over there!
Pop, you scared me to death!
Give me the blanket. Are you cold?
Give me your sweater then.
l'll throw it on a tree and put them off track.
They're looking all over for you!
Εverybody's yelling, "Where's Joshua?"
They're even cursing. They're really, really mad!
No one will find you. Βye, now. l'll be back later.
Listen...
if l'm really late coming back...
don't you move.
Don't come out. You're not to come out...
until it's completely quiet...
and nobody is in sight, just to be safe.
Say it!
l won't come out until nobody is around.
Good boy, stubborn.
Leave!
Go away, dog!
Go, dog!
Leave.
Good job, Ferruccio.
lt works.
ls there anyone called Dora here?
Dora, are you here? lt's Guido.
l know someone is hiding here. ls there a Dora here?
She's ltalian. She's my wife.
Yes, there's a Dora here.
lt's me, Dora!
lt's not her! ls there another Dora?
Jump out of the truck as soon as you can!
Get off! Jump out!
lt's true!
Mommy!
This is my story.
This is the sacrifice my father made.
This was his gift to me.
- We won! - Yes, we won!
A thousand points to laugh like crazy about!
We came in first! We're taking the tank home!
We won!
DVD Subtitling: CNST, Montreal