(Quiet brass fanfare)
(Rippling piano and strings)
(Tyres screech)
(Children's voices)
" "
(Flies buzz)
(Birds sing, dogs bark)
" "
Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour of muddy puddles.
Her birthmark, the colour of poo.
(Dogs whimper)
(Dogs bark)
lt was Saturday afternoon and she was bored.
Mary wished she had a friend to play piggybacks with.
(Dogs whimper)
(Birdsong)
Mary's mood ring, which she'd found in a cereal box, was grey
which, according to the chart,
meant she was either pensive, unconsciously ambitious or hungry.
Her only friends were 'The Noblets' from her favourite cartoon.
They weren't the real ones you bought in the shops
but fake ones she had to make herself from shells, gumnuts, pompoms
and the chicken bones salvaged from Friday night's takeaway.
She had to make all her own toys, and her favourites were Shrinkies -
potato chip packets that she had shrunk in the oven.
(Machine squeaks and squelches)
Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle,
worked in a factory, attaching the strings to tea bags.
(Conveyor squeaks)
At show and tell, she told the class
he could get as many free tea bags as he wanted.
Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey.
She loved saying 'Earl Grey'
and would like one day to marry someone called Earl Grey.
(Bagpipes play 'Scotland The Brave')
They would live in a castle in Scotland,
have 9 babies, 2 ducks... (Ducks quack)
..and a dog called Kevin.
(Dog whimpers)
Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed and drink Baileys lrish Cream
and stuff birds he'd found on the side of the freeway.
Mary wished he'd spend more time with her and less with his dead friends.
She also wished she had some brothers and sisters.
Her mother had told her she was 'an accident'.
How could someone be an accident?
Grandpoppy Ralph had told her that babies were deliberate
and found by dads at the bottom of their beer.
Grandpoppy Ralph had smelt like pickled onions
and had been a member of the Frankston lce Breakers for 51 years.
Aaagh! Aaaaaghhh! (Water splashes)
They swam in winter to feel alive.
Grandpoppy Ralph had said it made his nipples erect.
He had died the year before, aged 74,
and his best mate, Ken, had recited a poem in his honour.
(Ken): Born in a barn in the hills of Boronia,
Ralph lived a long life,
then died of pneumonia.
Mary missed him
and often wondered why he had drunk ammonia.
A lot of things puzzled Mary
especially her mother, Vera Lorraine Dinkle.
To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly.
(Radio) : A pretty vicious ball. And he's out!
Vera liked listening to the cricket while baking
and her main ingredient was always sherry.
(Radio) : 3/44. And Thompson 2/1 5...
She told Mary it was a type of tea for grown-ups
that needed constant testing.
(Radio) : Just out of the reach of the lead. 6/96 England.
(Door slams)
(Dishwasher starts)
Mary thought her mother tested the sherry...(she farts)...way too much.
(Snores)
Mary also couldn't understand why Vera was always 'borrowing'.
Yesterday, she borrowed some fish fingers from Aisle 6.
She told Mary she put things up her dress to save on plastic bags.
Vera was indeed a complicated soul.
(Thunder, rain pattering)
(Knock at door) (Mary): Oooh!
Mary stopped daydreaming
and went and fetched her pet rooster from the rain.
(Door squeaks)
Her father had found the rooster on the side of the freeway
after it had fallen off the back of a slaughter truck.
She named him Ethel.
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music )
lt was time to watch 'The Noblets'. She adored 'The Noblets'
because everyone was brown, lived in a teapot
and had oodles of friends.
There was nothing nicer, Mary thought to herself,
than the smell of a wet rooster... (She sniffs)
..the sound of rain on the roof
and the taste of sweetened condensed milk straight from the can
while watching your favourite cartoon.
(She swallows)
(Jazzy Russian folk music)
(Gunshots)
" "
(Distant traffic noise)
" "
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music)
Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz also watched 'The Noblets' .
Max's small television had picture but no sound.
His big television, sound but no picture.
He was 44 and liked 'The Noblets'
as they lived in a delineated and articulated social structure
with constant adherent conformity
and also because they had oodles of friends.
Max had trouble sleeping
and had spent the night watching television and catching fish food.
He noted to himself it was the sixth fly he'd caught this evening.
(Clock chimes)
He wondered if he should go to bed and count sheep
or have one more chocolate hotdog.
He thought he'd try both but it didn't work.
lt had been 6 hours and 1 2 minutes since Henry Vlll had passed away.
And Henry's death had thrown Max's life into disarray.
(Mournful Russian folk music)
lt had become asymmetrical
and the sooner he got a new fish, the better.
(Toilet flushes)
Tomorrow he would go to the pet store and get another Henry -
Henry lX.
(Wind vane squeaks)
(Quiet, uplifting piano and orchestra)
(Footsteps and traffic noise)
(Man): Next.
lt was shopping day
and Mary sat patiently while her mother (erm...) 'borrowed' some envelopes.
To fill in time, she scanned the room
and counted how many things were brown.
There was sticky tape, rubber bands
and a phone book with a picture of a lady standing in a brown lake
with her hand on fire.
People had weird names in America, Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself.
Funny-sounding people called Rockefeller and Finkelstein.
She wondered what they looked like, how old they were
and if they were married, wore glasses or had found babies in their beer.
(Baby gurgles) Maybe in the USA they found babies elsewhere.
(Mary): Hmm... They drank a lot of cola.
Maybe they found them in cans. (Baby gurgles)
But, no, they wouldn't fit through the hole.
(Disappointed gurgle)
(Lightbulb tings) Mary had an idea.
She would write to one of the Americans and ask where babies came from.
She chose a Mr M Horowitz.
(She inhales, then coughs)
(Tense, dramatic orchestra)
(Postmaster) : Aarrgh, Mrs Dinkle!
Come back here, Vera Dinkle! You come back here!
Aaarghhhh!
(Mary): Dear Mr M Horowitz,
my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle
and l am 8 years old, 3 months and 9 days.
My favourite colour is brown
and my favourite food is sweetened condensed milk
followed closely by chocolate.
l have a rooster called Ethel that looks like this.
He doesn't lay eggs but will one day.
(Pop!)
My mother likes smoking, cricket and sherry
and my father likes playing in his shed with dead birds.
Where do babies come from in America?
Do they come from cola cans?
ln Australia they are found in beer glasses.
Here is a drawing of me.
l can't draw ears proper but l'm good at teeth.
lt would be great if you could write back and be my friend.
Yours 'sincerealy', Mary Daisy Dinkle.
PS. l hope you like the chocolate bar l'm also sending.
lt's called a Cherry Ripe.
(Dogs bark and rooster crows)
(She strains)
Goodbye, letter. Don't forget to write.
(Jazzy Russian folk music)
(Max wheezes)
(Lift bell dings)
(Narrator): Max hated Thursdays -
the day of his weekly Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
And tonight he'd felt especially unsettled
because he'd eaten two chocolate hotdogs on his way there.
(Teacher) : OK, class...
Eating chocolate was breaking the rules.
He'd found the night even more unbearable
because of Marjorie Butterworth's strange glances.
(Teacher) : Class dismissed.
Max had trouble understanding non-verbal signals.
Flirting was as foreign to him as jogging.
(Lift bell dings repeatedly)
Max found most people very confusing.
But little did Max realise
his night was about to become even more confusing and cryptic.
(Max) : Hmm.
He read Mary's letter four times and then did what he normally did
whenever confronted with something new and stressful.
(Mutters anxiously)
(Jazzy Russian folk music)
Max's fragile existence had once again become unsettled.
And after staring out of the window for 1 8 hours
he finally made a decision.
(Takes a deep breath)
('Typewriter music' plays quickly in time with Max's typing)
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
thank you for the letter, which l opened and read at 9.1 7pm
after my Overeaters Anonymous class.
l am trying to lose weight
because my psychiatrist, Dr Bernard Hazelhof,
says a healthy body equals a healthy mind.
Ooooh!
He says my mind is not that healthy.
Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself.
l have never met anyone from Australia.
Firstly, l will answer your question.
Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans.
l asked my mother when l was four
and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis.
lf you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns.
lf you're an atheist, they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.
So this is where babies come from in America.
l share my home with a fish,
some snails, whom l have named after famous scientists...
(Bird squawks) ..a parakeet called Mr Biscuit
and, finally, a cat called Hal.
'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis, from which he suffers.
He followed me home after a gang of children
shot his eye out with a beebee gun.
(Miaows meekly)
Do you have a pet kangaroo?
When l was born, my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz.
She shot herself with my uncle's gun when l was six.
(Gunshot)
Do you like chocolate hotdogs?
l invented the recipe for them and can send it to you.
When l was young, l invented an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli.
My psychiatrist says l don't need him anymore
so he just sits in the corner and reads.
(Traffic noise)
Last week l picked up 1 28 cigarette butts.
People are always littering in New York.
l do not understand why people break laws.
Butts are bad because they wash out to sea
and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent.
l am just joking because, of course,
it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater.
Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.
(Max farts)
l am 44 years old
and have 8 tracksuits the same colour and size.
(Scales rattle)
l weigh 352 lb...
Ooooh!
..and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.
(TV): Welcome to the New York Lottery!
l enjoy entering the lottery
and have chosen the same numbers for 9 years.
Those numbers are 3... (TV): 1 .
5... (TV): 4.
6... (TV): 25.
9... (TV): 2.
1 1 ... (TV): 7.
And 1 2. (TV): 8.
(Applause on TV, Max sighs)
Are you a winner?
Or a loser?
l have had many different jobs during my life.
My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway.
My second job was at Yiddel's Gourmet Kosher Supplies
where l worked at the machine that made pre-packaged noodle kugels.
l was born Jewish and used to believe in God
but l've since read many books
that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination.
People like to believe in God because it answers complicated questions
like where did the universe come from,
do worms go to heaven...
(Squish)
..and why do old ladies have blue hair?
Even though l'm an atheist,
l still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm.
My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items.
l worked at the frisbee printing machine. (Machine creaks and squelches)
A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other.
lt is like a boomerang
but it does not come back.
My fourth job was when l was called up for jury duty.
l didn't get paid much but got free cookies and coffee.
Jurors are outstanding members of the community
who haven't murdered anybody.
l made it to the short list
for a trial where a man killed all his friends
at his own surprise birthday party.
Unfortunately, l didn't get selected because they found out
l'd been a mental patient at one point.
(Pop!)
Have you ever been hang gliding?
My fifth job was as a garbage collector.
l got to clean up after litterbugs and didn't have to talk to anybody.
Sometimes l used to pretend l was an intergalactical robot.
(Makes robotic sounds)
(Operator): This is 91 1 . ¤our call has been placed in a queue.
One time the police took me in for questioning
but let me go when they decided l wasn't a threat to anybody
except myself.
(Loud military brass band)
The sixth job l had was for the United States Army
in the stationery supply department. (Sighs)
Because l am good with numbers
l had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed.
One day they did a security check
and asked whether l was a member of any radical groups.
l told them l was a member of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.
They said this didn't count but dismissed me anyway.
Fortunately, l did not remember to tell them l was once a communist.
Have you ever been a communist?
Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird?
When l was 9, a crow attacked me on my way to school.
(Max gasps, crow caws)
l had to have three stitches
and in spring l now wear a helmet with eyes l have painted on.
People laugh at me when l wear my helmet.
(Man laughs) l'm not sure why.
People often confuse me but l try not to let them worry me.
(Traffic noise)
New York is a very busy and noisy place.
l would prefer to live somewhere much quieter
like the moon.
l don't like crowds, bright lights, sudden noises or strong smells.
New York has all these
especially the smells.
(Max inhales)
l often wear nose and ear plugs when l go outside.
lt helps keep me calm.
l find humans interesting but l have trouble understanding them.
l think, however, l will understand and trust you.
You appear very happy and l think you would smell like a shrimp
as l know Australia has a lot of shrimps.
Can you speed-read?
l have taught myself to read two pages at once -
one eyeball per page.
l have to go now
even though l have not told you about my 7th job,
in a condom factory.
Write back soon.
Your American friend, Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Please find enclosed a photo from one of those booths.
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe
and l am glad you like chocolate as much as l do.
l have never eaten sweetened condensed milk
but l will try some this week.
PPPS. l have never used a condom.
Gey gezunterheyt.
(Narrator): Max hoped Mary would write again.
He'd always wanted a friend.
A friend that wasn't invisible, a pet or rubber figurine.
He counted the stars and wondered how many days, hours, minutes
it would take his letter to reach Australia.
(Frantic orchestral music)
Vera was not impressed...
Aaaarrgh!
..not impressed at all.
This nutcase would not be her daughter's penfriend, she thought.
There was enough ugliness in the world.
Mary would be home from school in an hour -
enough time for another cup of tea and a bit of cricket to soothe the nerves
and dissolve the memory of Max's letter from her pickled mind.
(Radio) : Yeah, he's out. Unbelievable. 1 4. England 7/1 50.
(Truck whines and rumbles)
(Dark, menacing music)
(Vera shouts) : Stop! Wait!
Hey. fellas, you got room for one more bag?
Sure, Mrs Dinkle. Hop in! (Laughs)
(Garbage man 2) : Good one. Kevin!
Aaaarghhh!
(Thud! Men laugh)
(Garbage man): Come on, Vera. We've got some other bags to pick up!
(Rippling piano and strings)
Ooh. Hmm.
Mary, is that all the rubbish?
Yep!
(Garbage man): See ya, Toots!
(Vera): Sweet baby Jesus.
(Thud!) Ooooah!
(Rippling piano and strings)
Even though Max's letter smelt like fish heads and orange peel,
Mary drank his words like a bowl of alphabet soup
and hadn't been this excited
since Grandpoppy Ralph had found a coin up her nose.
She wrote back immediately
on some butchers' paper she'd stolen from some chops.
(Mary): Dear Max, l'm so excited you've wroted back.
l don't think my parents like you so from now on
send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop
at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley.
He's old with no legs.
They got chew'd'ed off in World War ll
when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas.
(Screams)
Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth.
He's scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia.
(Magpie warbles, Len gasps)
He's started giving me 50 cents a week to get his mail.
(Bagpipes play 'Scotland The Brave')
l'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland and marry a man called Earl Grey.
Do you get 'The Noblets' in America?
Well, my favourite Noblet is Vanity Noblet.
He wants to be everyone's friend, even the boys'!
ln your letter, you said you had no friends. (Munching)
Well, neither do l.
A-ha!
Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed on my spam sandwich
and called me 'poo face' 'cos of my birthmark.
l wish l could peel it off like a bandaid.
He also laughed 'cos l had no buttons.
Ethel pecked them off
and Mum couldn't thread a needle 'cos she'd been testing the sherry
so she used pegs instead.
(Lonely cello solo)
When l got home, l climbed into my secret place till dinner time.
The other kids also laugh at my haircut.
Dad has to cut my hair because mum says
real hairdressers sell your hair to Chinamen
who stuff mattresses.
(Shears chomp)
My teacher, Mrs Pendergast, says l should smile more.
l told my mum and so she drawed a big smile on me.
l don't think Mrs Pendergast likes me anymore.
(Mary groans, children laugh)
(Lonely cello and piano)
l better go now. My tears are smudgling my words.
Your friend in Australia, Mary Daisy Dinkle. (Sniffs)
PS. Have you ever been teased? Can you help me?
PSS. l've never been hang gliding before or been a 'commune-ist'
but would love a frisbee and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.
PSSS. l'm sending you some Australian chocolate, a pompom l made
and a cake called a lamington, which l was meant to eat for lunch.
(Lonely cello and piano)
(Fly buzzes)
(Sad clarinet and orchestra)
(Max): Have you ever been teased?
Ooooooooooaaaahhhh!
(Narrator): Mary's letter triggered memories
Max had buried deep down in his shoes.
(Bullies): We've got him cornered now. Hey. Jew-boy, you're gonna pay...
(Punching and groaning) Take this, Jew-boy, Jew-boy, Jew-boy.
(Max moans)
And as usual, he coped in the only way he knew.
(Max moans gently)
And 36 chocolate hotdogs later...
(Max burps)
..and after only two hours sleep,
Max's meltdown faded away and an idea popped into his brain.
(Ting!)
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
thank you for your letter, chocolate bar, lamington and pompom.
The chocolate got crushed, so l blended the bits with milk and icecream
and now l am drinking it right now.
(Slurps)
After much thought, l think l have a solution to your teasing.
Tell Bernie Clifford your birthmark is made of chocolate,
which means when you get to heaven
you will be in charge of all the chocolate.
This of course is a lie - l do not like lies -
but in this case l think it will be of benefit.
l wish l could be in charge of all the chocolate
but, of course, l cannot because of my atheism. (Pop!)
My neighbour lvy is also an atheist. (Water bubbles)
She doesn't talk much but makes me very good soup on Sunday nights.
She is partly blind
and sometimes l find her hair in my soup. Eeugh!
l do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof says this would be (farts) impolite.
Here is a list of what l eat on the other nights.
Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish,
Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel,
Wednesdays - Captain Salty's Fishstix,
Thursdays - Yentls Cheezy Blintz
and Fridays - chicken nuggets.
On Saturday nights l create my own recipes.
Last week l invented canned spaghetti hamburgers.
Recipes are like mathematical equations.
Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator
and to never eat anything bigger than your head.
l once ate a watermelon bigger than my head
but not all at once.
Do you have any weight loss suggestions?
My Overeaters Anonymous meetings don't seem to be working
and just make me tense.
(Groans anxiously)
(Slurps loudly)
lt would be good if there was a 'Fat Fairy' .
(Snores)
She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.
(Water bubbling)
lvy says she is only a 'little bit' blind but l think she is very blind.
She should get a cane like other vision-impaired people.
She could make the end pointy (Ching!)
and collect rubbish at the same time.
l think l will write a letter to the Mayor and suggest this.
He will be very impressed.
lvy says she doesn't need a cane because she has a good sense of smell.
(lvy sniffs)
She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut.
She says l smell like liquorice and old books.
(Crash!)
l think she smells like cough medicine and urine.
l have never told her this
as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said this would also be impolite.
(Lift bell dings, lift doors clank shut)
People often think l am tactless and rude.
(Farts)
l cannot understand how being honest can be...improper.
Maybe this is why l don't have any friends
of course except for you.
A real friend has been one of my three goals in life.
(Bubbles pop, satisfied groan)
The other two are to own every Noblet and a lifetime supply of chocolate.
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals
but not stupid ones like mine.
l have now run out of things to tell you.
Please, write soon.
Your friend in America, Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Do not worry about not smiling.
My mouth hardly ever smiles
but it does not mean l am not smiling inside my brain.
(Jazzy Russian folk music)
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee,
some Chocolate Pop Rocks, which you should eat with cola,
and an illustration of a turtle from one of my National Geographics.
PPPS. Did you know that turtles can breathe through their anuses?
(Quirky strings)
Dear Max,
when l told Bernie Clifford
l'll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven and he wouldn't get any,
he cried.
(Wails)
l also hide'd some dog's poo in his bit of the sandpit.
Your advice was great and l've got a job delivering pamphlets
so l can save to come and see you.
l am sad to hear you are fat.
Mum says l am fat too and l'm growing up to be a heifer,
which l think is a type of cow.
Maybe you should only eat things beginning with the letter of each day.
On Mondays you could only eat
milkshakes, marshmallows and...mustard.
Oooh!
(High rippling piano, pizzicato strings)
For my birthday, my Mum baked a cake and Dad gave me a camera.
(Camera clicks)
l hope you like the photos l sent.
The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel.
The next one is one of myself
after l ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks with the cola, like you said.
Next is Len.
He's still trying hard not to be afraid of outside and conquer his homophobia.
(Len screams, dog barks, pole clangs)
The next one is of dad in his shed,
and then one of the times l covered mum
while she was asleep in her stickers that help her stop smoking.
Next, when l got my slinky caught in my hair.
Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife, Cher.
And, finally, a photo of my other neighbour Damian Popodopolous.
He's a Greek and smells like lemon dishwashing liquid
and his skin is smooth, like the back of a spoon.
Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter and can't even say his own surname.
(He stutters)
She says you have to hit him on the back of the head
to get his words out.
P-P-P-P...Popodopolous.
l wish he was my boyfriend and we can be in love and do sexing
like Katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed.
She said it's when two people go 'nuddy'
and rub on each other to make babies. (Squeaking)
l told her she's a liar and would go to hell and burn like toast
'cos babies really come from beer glasses
and eggs laid by rabbits and nuns and 'prosti-tubes'.
She said ladies get knocked up
and bake babies in their stomachs for 2 years
till they spurt out their 'vag-eye-ners' with blood and tinned spaghetti.
Have you got a girlfriend, Max, or some wives?
Have you done sexing?
Valentine's Day is soon
and l want to give Damian a present so he can love me.
Can you explain love and how l can be 'lover'd'?
(Max screams)
(Narrator): Once again, Mary's letter had triggered an anxiety attack.
(Heartbeat)
Max knew nothing about love.
lt was as foreign to him as scuba diving
and he'd had an appalling history of getting it all wrong.
One Valentine's Day
he'd given Zelda Glutnik a gift he was sure was appropriate.
(Zelda screams)
The only companion (swallows) that had ever warmed Max's bed
was his hot water bottle.
Romance and love
was a mysterious language he'd given up on.
lf only Mary had asked how a toaster works
or asked for an explanation of the Chaos theory.
lf only there was a mathematical equation for love.
He kept eating and thinking.
(Jazzy Russian folk music)
(Kissing)
But love was not like Max's Rubik's Cube. lt could not be solved.
No matter how he analysed it, the results were negative.
Beat it, creep!
He felt love but couldn't articulate it.
lts logic was as foreign to him as... as a salad sandwich.
The stars made more sense.
(Sirens wail)
(Radio) : 1 2, have you responded to the call? Over.
The anxiety and stress were too much.
The inscrutability of love finally won, and Max's brain gave in.
He was diagnosed with severe depression and obesity
and spent the next 8 months institutionalised and bedridden.
They marinated him in a cocktail of drugs
and performed the usual 'therapeutic' procedures.
(Electricity buzzes, Max gurgles)
Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited.
(Lonely cello and piano)
Maybe Max's typewriter had run out of ink.
Maybe America had run out of ink.
Maybe his pets had eaten him.
Maybe it was her.
Was she too demanding, too boring, too...ugly?
(Lonely cello and piano)
Filled with anger, confusion and self-loathing,
Mary tried to erase the memory of her friend forever.
(Jazzy Russian folk music)
(Toilet flushes)
(Knock at door)
(Knocking gets louder)
(Groaning)
(Cat miaows meekly)
Max had recovered.
And life was balanced, safe and symmetrical once again.
But Mary still lingered in his mind. (Sighs)
Half of him wanted to write to her immediately.
The other half didn't want to end up a mental patient again.
At least there was always Mr Ravioli to be friends with.
He was a much safer option.
He wondered what Mary was doing right now.
But she was far from content
and struggled on by herself, saving her money for a rainy day.
(Soprano, twinkling piano)
Life went on as usual for Max
and even though he opted for order and stability,
misfortune was never far away.
(Spluttering and cracking)
(Loud rushing noise)
(Silence)
(Loud rushing noise)
(Silence)
(Loud rushing noise)
(Silence)
(Loud crash)
Luckily, his manslaughter charges were dismissed (Gavel taps)
because he was labelled mentally deficient
and unlikely to have a motive for killing a mime artist...
Oop.
..unlike most people.
From then on, Max cooled himself differently
and things went back to normal
until after his 48th birthday, when his numbers finally came up.
(TV announcer): Welcome to the New York Lottery
and these are tonight's winning numbers -
3, 5,
6, 9,
1 1 and 1 2!
(Joyous choral and orchestral music)
(Light pings off, door slams closed)
Max was sensible with his sudden wealth
and had bought a lifetime supply of chocolate
and the complete Noblet collection.
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music)
Two of his life goals had come true.
But he still had a lot of money
so decided to give it to lvy...
(Cash register chings)
..who was also very sensible...
(Comical '60s-style' music)
(Bones crack, she groans)
(Drill whines, hammering)
(Satisfied farting sounds)
(Engines backfire and splutter)
..until her own numbers came up.
lvy willed everything to the local cat shelter,
whose owner relocated her kind donation to his bank account,
his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari and enough fuel to get to Mexico.
(Engine revs)
(Musical horn)
Despite achieving all his life's goals,
Max still felt incomplete. (Sighs)
Mr Ravioli just wasn't cutting the mustard anymore
and seemed more interested in his self-help books.
Mary had given Max a taste of real friendship
and there was just no comparison.
She missed him too
but no longer saved to see him. (Aah!)
(Coin clinks) She now saved for a different reason.
(Quiet, jazzy Russian folk music)
One day Mr Ravioli got up, left and never came back.
(Whistling, thud!) (Hisses)
Max sought Dr Hazelhof's advice.
(Speaks incoherently)
He told Max that true friendship is seen through the heart,
not through the eyes,
and that it was time he wrote to Mary to reveal his true self, warts and all.
Max understood. (Sighs)
(City sounds of roadworks and pigeons)
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
there is something l have to tell you
which will explain why l have not written.
Each time l received one of your letters, l had a severe anxiety attack.
This is because recently, while l was in a mental institution,
they diagnosed that l have a new thing called Asperger's syndrome,
which is a neurobiological, pervasive, developmental disability.
l prefer 'Aspie' for short.
l will now list some of the traits of an Aspie.
(Camera clicks)
No.1 - l find the world very confusing and chaotic
because my mind is very literal and logical.
(Train rattles)
2 - l have trouble understanding the expressions on people's faces.
When l was younger, l made a book to help me when l was confused.
(Slap!)
l still have trouble with some people.
lvy was hard to understand because of her wrinkles
and because her eyebrows weren't real.
3 - l have bad handwriting,
am hypersensitive... (Phone rings, Max gasps)
..clumsy
and can get very concerned. (Anxious murmuring)
4 - l like solving problems. lvy said this is a good thing.
(Camera clicks)
And finally No.5 - l have trouble expressing my emotions.
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says my brain is defective
but one day there will be a cure for my disability.
l do not like it when he says this.
l do not feel disabled, defective or l need to be cured.
l like being an Aspie.
lt would be like trying to change the colour of my eyes.
There is one thing l wish l could change, however.
(Toilet flushes)
l wish l could cry properly.
(He groans softly)
l squeeze and squeeze but nothing...(he groans)...comes out.
l cry when l cut onions but this does not count.
Anyway, do you like the word 'cumquat'?
lt is a type of fruit.
Do you have a favourite-sounding word?
My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee,
Vladivostok, banana
and testicle.
l have also invented some new words -
'confuzzled', which is being confused and puzzled at the same time,
'snirt', which is a cross between snow and dirt,
and 'smushables' ... (Grumbles)
..which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag.
l have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people
asking them to include my words
but l have not heard back.
lt is now time for me to go to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
There is a woman there called Marjorie Buttersworth
who confuzzles me.
She kisses me without my permission
so tonight l have decided to rub onions under my armpits to repel her.
Your friend in America, Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Please find enclosed
some chocolate-covered ants l found at the deli.
PPS. Not much has happened since l last wrote
except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win and lvy's death.
(Narrator): Mary was thrilled Max had finally written
and suddenly had a fabulous idea.
A-ha! (Ting!)
(Rippling piano and strings)
(Lawnmower drones, cat miaows)
(Mary cries)
Mary and Max's friendship was resuscitated
and her tears were the best gift he'd ever received.
lnside Max's head his brain was smiling.
Loaded up with bizarre forms of chocolate,
their letters flew thick and fast between the continents.
Max learnt to read Mary's letters with caution
and at the slightest tingle of tension, he would stop,
take his medication and soothe his nerves.
Each letter he would iron, laminate and file in a special place,
which also soothed his nerves.
He enjoyed answering her questions and solving her puzzles like -
Do sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do old men wear their pants so high?
Do gooses get goosebumps and why is bellybutton lint blue?
Are there Noblets in heaven?
And if a taxi goes backwards, does the driver owe you money?
ln turn, Mary simply enjoyed hearing about Max's fascinating life -
how many people he'd counted littering...
(Whoosh! Thud!)
..how the latest Henry had died...
(Electric whisk whirrs in water)
(Toaster crackles)
..and new recipes he'd invented for chicken.
Each nourished the other
and, as Mary grew taller,
Max grew wider -
their friendship becoming stronger than the glue on Mary's Noblets.
Although Max found solace in Mary,
he still found the rest of the world bewildering.
And he couldn't understand
why he was seen as the odd one
while everyone else was considered normal.
Humans were endlessly illogical.
Why did they throw out food when there were children starving in lndia?
Why did they clear the rainforests when they needed the oxygen?
And why did they create bus timetables when they never ran on time?
He agreed with his favourite physicist that there are only two things infinite -
the universe and man's stupidity.
(Bicycle bell rings)
And for Mary, even though Max filled her with confidence...
Bullseye!
..her world was far from perfect.
The grip of love had her by the throat.
(Giggles nervously)
(Sad rippling piano and brass)
(Screams)
(Thunder, rain pattering)
At 4.59pm, on the 8th of the 8th, 1 988...
(Whistle blows)
..Noel Norman Dinkle attached his last string
and, after 40 years and 40 million tea bags, he retired.
To celebrate, Noel announced he was retiring from taxidermy
and taking up metal detecting instead.
But, sadly, it was not a hobby he had for long.
(Loud rumbling)
(Metal detector beeps)
(Melancholy cello and piano)
(Mary sobs quietly)
ln his will, Noel had left Mary some money
so she decided to go to university and study disorders of the mind,
yearning to learn more about her friend.
Mary was as popular at university as she was at school.
Damian went there too, aching to be a Thespian.
Hi there, M-M-Mary.
Hi...hello!
(They laugh)
(Damian) : That was damn f-f-funny!
(She sobs)
(Rippling piano and strings)
Hey, Damian, your mum's roses look fab!
Oh, th-th-th-thanks, Mary.
Um. M-Mary, can l tell you something?
Sure, babe!
Um, um, you've got d-d-d-d-dog's poo on your shoe.
(Mary sobs)
(Mary): Dear Max,
l have been such an idiot.
l've wasted all my money on something pointless
when l should have been saving to see you.
l know love upsets you so l won't go on about it.
All l want to say is that love is obviously not for me.
l hope you are well and enjoy the chocolate cigarettes l've enclosed.
Love Mary.
(Swallows loudly)
Oh, you should be ashamed!
- Come on, baby. Let's go. - Oh, Mum...
l told you never to talk to strangers.
(Ting!)
(Dogs howl distantly, Vera hums a tune)
(Narrator): Noel's sudden death had filled Vera with remorse and guilt
and she coped in the only way she knew.
(Vera hums a sad tune)
(Bottle smashes)
(Vera drinks)
(She coughs repeatedly and retches)
(Quiet, foreboding music)
('Zorba the Greek' plays softly)
(Mary): Dear Max,
our wedding day was everything l have ever dreamt,
making up for the terrible year l've had.
" "
Although all the guests were Damian's family and friends,
l felt very welcome.
Damian is so perfect. He even made my wedding dress.
And for our honeymoon
he took me to Mykonos - his favourite island in Greece.
l got to ride a donkey
and found the perfect gift for Len.
Poor Len, he's still struggling with his agoraphobia.
(Horn beeps)
Aaaaahhhh!
(Tyres screech, car crashes)
Damian and l are so similar.
He even has his own penfriend, who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand.
(She giggles)
(Damian): Mary...M-M-M-Mary.
(Bed squeaks)
(Mary) : Ohhh.
Mary was bursting with self-esteem
and her confidence was almost unbearable.
(She purrs seductively)
At university, she shone
and took it upon herself to cure the world of mental illness.
(Rippling piano and strings)
She did her thesis on Asperger's syndrome
and used Max as her case study.
Her professors were thoroughly impressed
and her writing praised far and wide.
Soon, publishers queued to print her unique insight
and by her 25th birthday, thousands of copies were ready to be shipped.
(Mary): Dear Max,
l am very proud to give you
the very first copy of my book about your disability
and the hopes that we have to one day cure it.
Even more exciting
is that l am finally coming to meet and celebrate with you in one week's time.
l'm also going to give you half the royalties.
Your loving friend, Mary.
PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.
(Narrator): Max didn't take the news very well -
not very well at all.
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
l cannot express myself very clearly at this moment
and so l will list my emotions in the order they feel most intense -
hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort, distress and wheeziness.
This last one is not really an emotion
but l thought you should know about it anyway.
(Max's heart beats loudly)
(He roars)
With her suitcase packed for New York, Mary said goodbye to Damian.
She hadn't been this excited since she'd found a Noblet in the gutter.
But her excitement suddenly dribbled away
like a chocolate in the sun.
(Soprano sings sadly, thunder rumbles)
(Singing intensifies)
(Violent shredding noises)
Mary slowly sank into a puddle of depression, self-loathing
and cooking sherry.
The only colour left in her life was her beloved Damian,
only an arm's length away but as distant as the moon.
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music)
She lost interest in the world and it lost interest in her
as a horrible apparition began to haunt.
She started to spend her nights making pompoms
and eating two-minute noodles.
(Mournful cello solo)
(Max wheezes)
(Funky jazz organ)
Each day, with strength and shame,
Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope,
only to swivel, shrivel and slink back inside.
(Swing brass)
(Rooster clucks and crows)
(Mary gasps, crashes off couch)
(Swing brass)
(Damian) : My dearest Mary,
by the time you read this, l will be on a plane to New Zealand
to begin a new life.
You probably haven't even noticed l'd packed my bags.
I have fallen in love with my penfriend, Desmond,
and I'm going to live on his sheep farm.
(Sheep baa)
lt's been hard to watch you become a remnant of the person I once loved.
Your research into m-m-mental illness has been admirable
but your i-idealistic pursuit to remedy it has been misguided.
Mary, you have to realise y-you are not a magic beauty cream
you can smooth on the world to rid it of its wrinkles.
l love you, Mary,
but l love Desmond more.
l hope one day your heart will heal and we can be friends.
Yours compassionately, Damian.
(Sad piano solo)
(Distant sirens)
(Max): Aaaarghh!
Dear Mayor Ridiculani,
on Monday l counted 27 people illegally dropping cigarette butts.
l would like to recommend the fine be increased
to a minimum of $1 million as a stronger deterrent
and would be happy...
(Max groans)
(Warning bell rings)
Thank you.
(He inhales)
(Max gasps)
(Ominous music)
(Max yells)
Sorry.
(Distant city noises)
Dear Mary,
please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection
as a sign that l forgive you.
When l received your book, the emotions inside...
(Jazzy Russian folk music)
(Narrator): On the way home, Max sat to count the stars.
He felt complete -
the world was back in balance.
(Jazzy Russian folk music)
(Lonely cello solo)
(Rooster snores)
(Fly buzzes, rooster snores)
(Thunder rumbles, rain patters)
(Mystical rippling music)
(Mary sings) " When l was just a little girl
" l asked my mother, what will l be?
" Will l be pretty, will l be rich?
" Here's what she said to me...
" Que sera sera
" Whatever will be will be
" The future's not ours to see
" Que sera sera
(Discordant instrumental interlude)
" Que sera sera
" Whatever will be will be
" The future's not ours to see
" Que sera sera
" What will be will be
" Que sera sera "
(Knock at door)
(Knocking continues)
(Dogs bark)
(Len): Ah!
(Narrator): Len had saved the day and after 45 years
he finally conquered his agoraphobia.
(Driver): Moron!
(Len laughs triumphantly)
(Max): Dear Mary,
please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection
as a sign that l forgive you.
When l received your book, the emotions inside my brain
felt like they were in a tumble dryer, smashing into each other.
The hurt felt like when l accidentally stapled my lips together.
Ow!
The reason l forgive you is because you are not perfect.
You are imperfect, and so am l.
All humans are imperfect,
even the man outside my apartment who litters.
When l was young, l wanted to be anybody but myself.
Dr Bernard Hazelhof said if l was on a desert island
then l would have to get used to my own company -
just me and the coconuts.
He said l would have to accept myself, my warts and all,
and that we don't get to choose our warts.
They are a part of us and we have to live with them.
We can, however, choose our friends
and l am glad l have chosen you.
Dr Bernard Hazelhof also said
that everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk.
Some are well paved. Others, like mine,
have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts.
Your sidewalk is like mine but probably not as many cracks.
Hopefully, one day our sidewalks will meet
and we can share a can of condensed milk.
(She slurps)
You are my best friend. You are my only friend.
Your American penpal, Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. l have recently found the perfect job with a survey company.
All l have to do is eat things and tick boxes.
(Birdsong)
(Sirens in distance)
(Rippling piano and strings)
(Baby gurgles)
(Lift bell dings)
(Music plays in distance)
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music)
Max?
Hello?
Max, it's us!
We're here!
Oh, Max?
(Alto singing serenely with woodwind)
(Narrator): Max had died peacefully that morning
after finishing his final can of condensed milk.
" "
(Baby gurgles)
(Alto singing serenely with woodwind)
(She gasps)
(Max's voice): You are my best friend. You are my only friend.
(Narrator): He smelt like liquorice and old books, she thought to herself,
as tears rolled from her eyes
the colour of muddy puddles.
" "