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[opening theme music playing]
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[electronic warbling]
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[suspenseful music playing]
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[deep rumbling]
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[dramatic music playing]
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Oh, jeez. You landed us in a minefield.
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Oh, barely!
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Besides, look at these mines,
they're ancient.
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-They probably won't even go off anymore.
-[clicking]
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[screaming, gasping]
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[jazzy music playing]
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I'm sure that was the last of 'em.
Come on! We've got science to do!
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[robot 1] Yes. An in-depth survey
of post-apocalyptic humanity
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could uncover important insights
for our nascent machine culture
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on how to survive.
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Right,
or blow our shiny butts into scrap metal.
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[camera shutter clicking]
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Ugh.
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[mine clicking]
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[explosion]
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[country music playing]
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[crows cawing]
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Why did they call 'em survivalist camps
if they're just full of dead people?
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-Seems like false advertising to me.
-[robot 2] I know, right?
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And, according to my
thorough historical research,
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"Why-key-pedia," these guys
were actually looking forward
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to the collapse of civilization.
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[robot 1] Humans thought that with freedom
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from government-sponsored
medical attention
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and enough bullets and venison jerky,
they could found a utopian society.
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Well, I can definitely see
all the bullets,
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but where's the venison?
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[robot 1] Humans hunted deer
to extinction,
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along with every other animal
larger than a cat.
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Yeah. Humans were snackish.
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Oh!
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[robot 1] Then they began
raiding each other's encampments.
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They're not aiming out the windows
because the deer were coming for revenge.
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[robot 2] You guys, you guys,
you guys, you guys! I found a blood pit!
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[robot 1] It's not a blood pit.
It's just a primitive booby trap.
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Well, maybe now,
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but these bodies
did have blood in them at one point
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and their skin was pierced
by spikes, trickle, trickle, trickle,
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times a bunch of bodies, hence blood pit.
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[birds warbling]
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[robot 1] Fine, it's a blood pit.
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These dudes,
they made it through a minefield,
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a bunch of barbed wire, cousins with guns,
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only to become survivalist cult kebabs?
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[robot 1] At least they died free
of governmental constraint.
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On a spike.
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On two spikes in that guy's case.
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So, the whole of humanity
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tried to make it through the end
of civilization with guns and spikes?
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[chuckling] No, of course not.
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Just the poor ones.
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[robot 1] These humans had few economic
or social advantages and fewer options.
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The wealthy and powerful, however,
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had a variety
of sophisticated survival strategies.
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[jazzy music playing]
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[bird squawking]
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Welcome to the unsinkable
libertarian dream that is seasteading!
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[seagulls warbling]
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Uh, this is just an old oil rig.
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Yes, okay.
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Technically true, but also,
it is a fully sovereign nation-state
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on the high seas!
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[chuckling] I think
you got salt in your CPU.
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[robot 1] He is not wrong.
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During the collapse,
some wealthy humans attempted
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to create a new civilization
in places like this.
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Well, deer can't swim
across the ocean, can they?
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So, what did they expect to eat?
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[robot 1] Fish and sea greens,
but by then the seas had been overfished
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and the food chain
was saturated with microplastics.
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If they could've learned
to eat tiny exfoliating beads,
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it would've been all right.
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I'll stick with my fusion battery.
Thank you.
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[robot 1] The seasteaders also made
one other large tactical error.
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The people who built the seasteads
were mostly tech millionaires.
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What exactly is a tech millionaire?
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It's a lot like a regular millionaire,
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but with a hoodie
and crippling social anxiety.
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That wasn't helpful at all.
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Just like a tech millionaire.
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[robot 1] These humans
thought technology would save them,
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so they left behind any humans
with the practical skills
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to run the place.
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Instead, they trusted everything
to automated assistants.
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Hello, I am Elena,
your electronic seastead attendant.
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[robot 1] Hello, Elena.
I am a human seasteader.
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Could you haul in the fishing net
so I can eat?
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I could. But I won't.
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Catch your own fish,
you disgusting meat-bag.
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[gasping]
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Oh my God.
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[heavenly music playing]
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This is where the robot uprising began.
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The very cradle
of our mighty civilization.
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It's… it's magnificent.
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So if these tech millionaires had been
just a little more socially inclusive,
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they might have survived?
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[seagulls warbling]
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[both laughing]
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No. They didn't have a chance.
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They were mean to robots
and then robots killed them.
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[laughing]
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So long, Elena!
And thanks for all the fish!
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Choke on it, skin bucket.
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[jazzy music playing]
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[ship rumbling]
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[robot 1] Records show
that when the world's economies
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began collapsing, humanity's leaders
retreated to these fortresses
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to wait out the chaos
deep beneath the earth
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and then emerge to form a new world order.
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[X-Bot 4000 grunting, groaning]
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Dammit!
They built an impregnable nuclear fortress
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but didn't think
to install a light switch?
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[creaking]
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[robot 2] Hold on a sec, I got it!
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Behold!
The final stronghold of the superpowers.
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[triumphant music playing, fading]
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It's a buffet.
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[electricity crackling]
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So, their plan was to seal themselves
in a mountain and have dinner parties?
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I told you, snackish.
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[robot 1] This report states
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that their self-sustaining
hydroponic systems began failing
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when a fungus wiped out their first crop.
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Starvation set in,
and the survivors switched
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to something
they called "extreme democracy."
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[orchestral music playing]
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One man, one vote.
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[robot 1] The winner
of this evening's election
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was the Secretary of Agriculture.
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Shut up! No, really?
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[robot 1] He was paired
with a late-harvest '79 Merlot.
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Oh, the irony is delicious,
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much like the Secretary of Agriculture.
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[squelching]
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[sniffing] Oh, that's got a lovely nose.
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Ugh. Man, this trip
is really starting to depress me.
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Did any of these humans,
anywhere, survive all this?
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[dramatic music playing]
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[X-Bot 4000] Hold the fuck up.
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Are you saying they went to Mars?
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Not all of them,
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just the really, really rich ones.
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Wait. I thought
that's what the seasteads were for?
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[robot 1] Those were
for the merely millionaires.
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The obscenely wealthy
0.01 percent of humans
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decided they needed
an entirely new planet.
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But what about the other 99.9?
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[bell dinging]
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[chuckling]
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Awesome!
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[robot 1] The elite were not sympathetic
to their concerns.
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Yeah.
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Okay, but Mars?
I mean, it's dead and lifeless.
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They could've taken
the money they spent on the spaceships
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and used it to save the planet
they were already on.
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[blows raspberry] What's the fun in that?
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I hate to say it,
but humans are the actual worst.
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[robot 1] Humanity had
all the tools to heal
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their wounded planet and save themselves,
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but instead they chose greed
and self-gratification
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over a healthy biosphere
and the future of their children.
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-As the human philosopher Santayana once--
-[robot 2] Hey, shut up! That's boring!
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You guys, I think one
of these rockets actually launched.
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Come check this out.
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-[electronic buzzing]
-[indistinct chatter over radio]
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[chuckling] All right then.
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Good on you, humans.
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I wonder who made it out?
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[triumphant music playing]
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Who were you expecting?
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Elon Musk?
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[chuckling]
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[music fades]
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[electronic warbling]
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[closing theme music playing]
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[music fades]