This is some bullshit, Sergeant.
Shut the fuck up, Macy.
Folen! You're gonna get shot in the dick if you stand in silhouette like that.
Yep. Right in the dick.
I'm just trying to see how far out I can get it.
I've got the aim of an angel
and the reach of a god.
How much further to the objective, Sarge?
Another 500 meters… up.
Oh, fuck me.
-One-Seven, this is One-One. Over.
-One-Seven, One-One.
We're within 500 meters of the objective.
How copy? Over.
Everything all right, Sergeant?
Fine. Fucking peachy.
Fine, like in no radio contact with anyone
for the last 50 fucking minutes?
Fine, like our idiotic fucking platoon leader
decided to split us up?
Fine, like I have to keep hauling this fucking ammo
up this motherfucking mountain?
Fine, like Team Two's been torn into greasy shreds of man jerky?
Jesus fuck.
Look at this thing here.
Almost as big as my dick.
Well, I guess he won't be needing this.
It's… It's the whole team. Muj didn't do this, Sergeant.
Hey, hey, hey. It doesn't matter what did it.
We're gonna get through this, soldier.
Together.
"Together"?
I bet that'll look great on a poster with some puppies!
What? Uh, what?
It's a honey badger.
Honey badgers don't give a shit!
That'sit. We've all gone crazy. Time to kill each other.
Oh, thank God. I'm so tired of carrying all this fucking ammo around.
You assholes don't have my permission to die.
Uh, should we shoot it?
Fuck yes, Coutts. Let's shoot it.
Fire! Fire!
It's not stopping!
-Hold!
What kind of bear is that?
Fuck you, honey badger!
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! Fuck you!
-Let him go, you son of a bitch!
Holy shit!
Die, fucker!
Uh-oh.
Erwin!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Hey! Over here!
Fuck. Goddamn thing's run out of juice.
-Fuck. Oh, I'm standing on your friend.
Sorry.
This really sucks.
-No shit.
Who the hell's this guy?
Sergeant First Class Morris, attached to Task Force Griffin.
Stationed at Camp Eisenhower.
-It's right over that ridge. -No such place as Camp Eisenhower.
Sure there is. You just didn't know about it.
It's subterranean.
Bullshit that's where you're from.
You're stationed at Camp Bullshit,
and you drink from a CamelBak full of lies.
CIA built it back in '02, right after the invasion.
It's just another part of our hearts and minds strategy.
And let me guess. It's part of some Secret Squirrel op,
and you've got all kinds of crazy sciencey shit under there,
including fucking nightmares like that thing.
Well, that thing is code named Project Barghest.
It was on patrol with us last night when it started acting unpatriotic,
and treated my team like an Afghani buffet.
Bar-guest? That's a stupid fucking name for a honey badger.
It's not a honey badger.
It's a genetically-engineered grizzly bear
with a shit-ton of mechanical augmentation.
-It's like a tank with fur.
Retractable anti-personnel titanium talons,
diamond carbine canines,
all wrapped in a solid inch of ballistic-resistant gel under its skin.
Small arms won't do jack-shit, and even grenades won't hurt it.
Unless you get lucky, which you won't.
-Can you kill it with that? -This piece of shit?
No. It's supposed to be a remote control,
but the only thing that works is this setting that says "fuck off."
Come on, guys. Let's go to that base you don't think exists.
Well, Sarge?
Why not? I doubt this shit could get any weirder.
Dang it. It was right here.
It was right there. It was there.
There was a fucking rock. Fucking there.
It appears the secret back entrance to your secret CIA base
is so extra fucking secret even you can't find it.
Sarge, we got permission to die now?
Getting there, Folen. Getting there.
Oh, here it is.
-Yet… -Amazing.
Guessing it wasn't like this when you left.
No. It fucking wasn't.
Well, personally, I love what they've done with the place.
All right.
Let's get some proper fucking ordnance
and kill the shit out of this fucking thing!
Sorry for all the cursing.
This is where I come to jerk off.
Macy! Folen! Christmas come early, boys.
Now we're talking!
You drool on it, you buy it.
Fuck yeah. This will do some damage.
-Hmm?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Friendly.
Friendly.
This is MAARS-Bot.
-Hi. Hi.
Oh, who's your buddy, MAARS-Bot? Who's your buddy?
Oh, sweet. More science shit.
He gonna go rogue and try and eat us too?
You didn't think the CIA would make just one Jihad-Joe killing weapon,
did you?
Redundancy, son, saves lives.
Well, it is kinda cute.
Oh, don't you look at me like that with them little puppy dog eyes.
Jesus fucking Christ, Macy.
Here we go, guys. Come on!
You better put me in for a Bronze Star after this shit, Morris.
You've got a bad attitude, Private Macy,
and I will deny any award he puts you in for.
Okay. Maybe a certificate of achievement. Maybe.
All right, ladies. I'm gonna call the Barghest to us.
Clench up!
Let's just get this shit over with.
In three, two, one.
Um,
you sure that recall button's--
-Fuck! -Go, go, go!
Holy fucking shit!
Goddammit! Go, go, go!
MAARS-Bot, no!
Save yourself, robot friend!
No!
Fuck this.
Go!
Special delivery!
I need some range!
Get some!
That's all you got? Stupid fucking honey badger!
Folen, get the fuck back, you idiot!
Fuck you, honey badger!
-Macy! Move!
-Fuck, Macy. -Mama…
M-Mama…
It's gonna be okay, Folen. Just…
Nielsen…
Nielsen, please… please tell my wife…
-I will, Folen. Anything. -Nielsen…
-Please… Please… -I promise.
…tell my wife
I… I…
I fucked her sister.
Fuck me.
Well…
…that sure was some bullshit, Sergeant.
Oh fuck.
Fuck you, honey badger!
Fu… Fu… Fu… Fuck you, honey badger!
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you!
Stupid fucking honey badger!
Die, fucker!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Stupid fucking honey badger!
Fuck you, honey badger!
Right in the dick.