[opening theme music playing]
[electronic warbling]
[man sighing in relief]
[groaning]
[laughs]
This is some bullshit, Sergeant.
Shut the fuck up, Macy.
Folen! You're gonna get shot in the dick if you stand in silhouette like that.
[spits] Yep. Right in the dick.
I'm just trying to see how far out I can get it.
I've got the aim of an angel
and the reach of a god. [sighs]
How much further to the objective, Sarge?
Another 500 meters… up.
[eagle screeching]
Oh, fuck me.
-[radio beeps] -One-Seven, this is One-One. Over.
[radio static]
-[radio beeps] -One-Seven, One-One.
We're within 500 meters of the objective.
How copy? Over.
[radio static]
Everything all right, Sergeant?
Fine. Fucking peachy.
[tense music playing]
[Macy] Fine, like in no radio contact with anyone
for the last 50 fucking minutes?
[Folen] Fine, like our idiotic fucking platoon leader
decided to split us up?
[soldier] Fine, like I have to keep hauling this fucking ammo
up this motherfucking mountain?
Fine, like Team Two's been torn into greasy shreds of man jerky?
[Folen gasps]
[sinister music playing]
[Folen] Jesus fuck.
Look at this thing here.
Almost as big as my dick. [chuckles]
Well, I guess he won't be needing this.
It's… It's the whole team. Muj didn't do this, Sergeant.
Hey, hey, hey. It doesn't matter what did it.
We're gonna get through this, soldier.
Together.
"Together"?
I bet that'll look great on a poster with some puppies!
[creature roaring]
[suspenseful music playing]
[snarls]
[guns cocking]
What? Uh, what?
It's a honey badger.
Honey badgers don't give a shit!
That's it. We've all gone crazy. Time to kill each other.
Oh, thank God. I'm so tired of carrying all this fucking ammo around.
You assholes don't have my permission to die.
[growls, roars]
Uh, should we shoot it?
Fuck yes, Coutts. Let's shoot it.
Fire! Fire!
[roars]
[snarls]
[Folen] It's not stopping!
-[creature roars] -Hold!
[snarls]
[soldier grunts, screams]
[Folen] What kind of bear is that?
[grunts, yells]
Fuck you, honey badger!
[screaming]
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! Fuck you!
-Let him go, you son of a bitch! -[squelching]
[creature roars]
-[Coutts grunts] -[creature snarls]
[Sarge] Holy shit!
[soldier 2] Die, fucker!
[soldier 2 yelling]
[roars]
[gun clicks]
Uh-oh.
[squelching]
Erwin!
[creature snarls]
[yells] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
-[blades clanking] -[creature roars]
[high-pitched whining]
[creature yelps, moans]
[creature whimpering]
[high-pitched whining stops]
[breathing heavily]
[man] Hey! Over here!
Fuck. Goddamn thing's run out of juice.
-[squelching] -Fuck. Oh, I'm standing on your friend.
Sorry.
This really sucks.
-No shit. -[metal clanking]
Who the hell's this guy?
Sergeant First Class Morris, attached to Task Force Griffin.
Stationed at Camp Eisenhower.
-It's right over that ridge. -No such place as Camp Eisenhower.
Sure there is. You just didn't know about it.
It's subterranean.
Bullshit that's where you're from.
You're stationed at Camp Bullshit,
and you drink from a CamelBak full of lies.
CIA built it back in '02, right after the invasion.
It's just another part of our hearts and minds strategy.
And let me guess. It's part of some Secret Squirrel op,
and you've got all kinds of crazy sciencey shit under there,
including fucking nightmares like that thing.
Well, that thing is code named Project Barghest.
It was on patrol with us last night when it started acting unpatriotic,
and treated my team like an Afghani buffet.
Bar-guest? That's a stupid fucking name for a honey badger.
It's not a honey badger.
It's a genetically-engineered grizzly bear
with a shit-ton of mechanical augmentation.
-It's like a tank with fur. -[electronic warbling]
Retractable anti-personnel titanium talons,
diamond carbine canines,
all wrapped in a solid inch of ballistic-resistant gel under its skin.
Small arms won't do jack-shit, and even grenades won't hurt it.
Unless you get lucky, which you won't.
-Can you kill it with that? -[Morris] This piece of shit?
No. It's supposed to be a remote control,
but the only thing that works is this setting that says "fuck off."
Come on, guys. Let's go to that base you don't think exists.
Well, Sarge?
Why not? I doubt this shit could get any weirder.
[Morris] Dang it. It was right here.
It was right there. It was there.
There was a fucking rock. Fucking there.
It appears the secret back entrance to your secret CIA base
is so extra fucking secret even you can't find it.
Sarge, we got permission to die now?
Getting there, Folen. Getting there.
Oh, here it is. [chuckles]
[Morris sighs]
-Yet… -Amazing.
[hatch opens]
[lights clicking on]
[unsettling music playing]
[flies buzzing]
Guessing it wasn't like this when you left.
No. It fucking wasn't.
Well, personally, I love what they've done with the place.
[Barghest roars]
[Morris] All right.
Let's get some proper fucking ordnance
and kill the shit out of this fucking thing!
Sorry for all the cursing.
[electronic warbling]
[funky electro music playing]
This is where I come to jerk off.
Macy! Folen! Christmas come early, boys.
[chortles]
[chuckles] Now we're talking!
[Morris] You drool on it, you buy it.
Fuck yeah. This will do some damage.
[banging]
-[guns cocking] -[Macy] Hmm?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Friendly.
Friendly.
[electronic trilling]
This is MAARS-Bot.
-[trilling happily] -Hi. Hi.
Oh, who's your buddy, MAARS-Bot? Who's your buddy?
Oh, sweet. More science shit.
He gonna go rogue and try and eat us too?
You didn't think the CIA would make just one Jihad-Joe killing weapon,
did you?
Redundancy, son, saves lives.
Well, it is kinda cute.
[electronic trilling]
Oh, don't you look at me like that with them little puppy dog eyes.
[electronic trilling]
[sighs] Jesus fucking Christ, Macy.
[Barghest roars]
Here we go, guys. Come on!
[suspenseful music playing]
[computer beeping]
You better put me in for a Bronze Star after this shit, Morris.
You've got a bad attitude, Private Macy,
and I will deny any award he puts you in for.
[electronic trilling]
[keyboard clacking]
Okay. Maybe a certificate of achievement. Maybe.
All right, ladies. I'm gonna call the Barghest to us.
Clench up!
Let's just get this shit over with.
[launchers cocking]
[suspenseful music swells]
[Morris] In three, two, one.
[computer beeps]
[music stops]
[electronic trilling]
[Sarge] Um,
you sure that recall button's--
[yelling]
[Barghest growling]
[yelling]
[Morris screaming]
[electro hip-hop music playing]
[Barghest snarls]
-[Macy] Fuck! -[Sarge grunts] Go, go, go!
[snarls]
-[squelching] -[angry trilling]
[Folen] Holy fucking shit!
[Barghest roars in pain]
[roars]
[snarls]
Goddammit! Go, go, go!
[growls]
[electronic trilling]
[weak trilling]
MAARS-Bot, no!
Save yourself, robot friend!
[electronic trilling]
[snarls]
No!
[roars]
Fuck this.
Go!
Special delivery!
I need some range!
[whimpers, roars]
Get some!
[roars]
[all yelling]
[music stops]
[powers down]
[chuckles]
That's all you got? Stupid fucking honey badger!
Folen, get the fuck back, you idiot!
[screaming]
[Barghest roaring]
Fuck you, honey badger!
-[intense music playing] -[Macy grunting]
-[screams] -Macy! Move!
[roars]
[Barghest screams]
[powers down]
[roars]
[Macy yelling]
[screams]
[yelling]
[yelling continues]
[Sarge breathing heavily]
-[bubble gum pops] -[yelps, clears throat]
-Fuck, Macy. -[Folen] Mama…
[straining] M-Mama…
It's gonna be okay, Folen. Just…
[coughs]
Nielsen…
Nielsen, please… please tell my wife…
-I will, Folen. Anything. -Nielsen…
-Please… Please… -[Nielsen] I promise.
…tell my wife
I… I…
I fucked her sister.
[chuckles]
[groans]
[melancholy music playing]
Fuck me.
Well…
[sniffles]
…that sure was some bullshit, Sergeant.
[eye plinks]
[beeping]
[eye beeps faster]
Oh fuck.
[intense music playing]
[roars]
[music stops]
[electronic warbling]
[closing theme music playing]
[Coutts] Fuck you, honey badger!
Fu… Fu… Fu… Fuck you, honey badger!
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you!
[Folen] Stupid fucking honey badger!
[Erwin] Die, fucker!
[Nielsen] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
[Folen] Stupid fucking honey badger!
[Coutts] Fuck you, honey badger!
Fuck you, honey badger!
Right in the dick.