MR. BEAT TAKESHI
Yes?
Excuse me.
Will this work?
-Yeah. Leave it right there. -Okay.
Excuse me. We're about to start. Please follow me.
Break a leg.
We'll finish the interview later.
Oh, okay. Thanks.
Thank you for waiting.
Everything's fine now…
Hello.
Hi.
She'll put your mic on.
Have some water.
We have wonderful guests here today as always.
All members of the audience are our guests too, so let's have fun!
-Please wait here. -You may be on camera.
Fix your makeup while you can.
Cameras nowadays have 4K and 8K resolution.
Even with your usual makeup, your pores will be very visible.
But don't worry. This show doesn't have that much of a budget.
I'm sure you can tell from the gifts we gave you.
I'm here talking nonsense, but we're ready to go.
Now, give it up for your host today,
Mr. Beat Takeshi!
Young people these days are scary.
Someone was hit with a metal bat the other day.
I recently got in a fight with some. We bumped shoulders.
-Really? -And they had metal bats.
-That's scary. -Not wanting to be belittled, I go…
-"Where's your elementary school?!" -That young?!
1974
-Hey! -Yes?
Don't "Yes?" me. You're up.
Oh, thank you.
-You get 20 minutes. -Okay.
-Just one touch. -Don't be silly.
I said, "You'll get fat."
All right. We're going to have a special comedy show now.
They came all the way from Tokyo for this.
Um… What was their name?
All right, take it away!
Hello. We're Shokakuya Takeshi-Kiyoshi. Nice to meet you.
-Oh, Niigata is a nice place. -Yeah, we've never been here before.
We're from Asakusa, Tokyo.
Yes, we do comedy skits at strip clubs.
We do comedy skits between strips.
Sometimes he gets confused and strips.
I do not. Why would I get naked?
Anyway, young people these days are scary.
Someone was hit with a metal bat the other day.
I recently got in a fight with some. We bumped shoulders.
-Really? -They had metal bats.
-Scary. -Not wanting to be belittled, I go…
-"Where's your elementary school?!" -That young?!
-"We go to Adachi Elementary School." -They're girls?!
"What?! Adachi?!"
-Why were you scared? -"My uncle is the vice-principal there!"
How embarrassing!
They were only elementary school girls. Gee!
You always tell this story.
Listen, you fools.
We're doing manzai here!
Shut up and listen, you fools!
Whoa, hey, what are you saying?
I'm sorry. He's just kidding!
Anyway, let's talk about Mr. Shigeo Nagashima's retirement.
That quote was quite touching, wasn't it?
You look like a dog's balls, you bastard.
That's not how it went…
Hey, I'm talking about you right there!
-What's with the chitchatting? -Oh, yeah!
-I'll show you… -If it's such a funny story…
-…a little magic. -…come up here and share it.
-It's just an ordinary… -Come on. It's funny, right?
-Hey! -…handkerchief.
-Enough! -You've drunk too much.
-Hey, stop it. -Get out of my way!
If I wrap it around like this…
Who do you think you are?!
…and blow on it…
I'm a comedian, you fool.
Behold! A flower!
I recently got in a fight with some. We bumped shoulders.
-They had metal bats. -That's scary.
Not wanting to be…
-That young?! -"We go to Adachi Elementary School."
They're girls?!
"What?! Adachi?! My uncle is the vice-principal there!"
TAKESHI-KIYOSHI
Hello. We're Shokakuya Takeshi-Kiyoshi. Nice to meet you.
I like Nagoya.
Yeah, we've never been here before.
We're from Asakusa, Tokyo.
At strip clubs…
Get out!
Go away, you punks!
There!
You bastards!
-They had metal bats. -Scary.
Not wanting to be belittled, I go…
-"Where's your elementary school?!" -That young?!
Mister. What's the matter?
Oh, I wanna go to the bathroom real quick.
Can't I?
Oh, no. Go ahead.
Sorry. Did I butt in too late earlier?
It's better if you interrupt me.
Yeah, I thought so.
Not wanting to be belittled, I go…
-"Where's your elementary school?!" -That young?!
-"We go to Adachi Elementary School." -They're girls?!
-"What?! Adachi?!" -Why are you scared?
-"My uncle is the vice-principal there!" -How embarrassing!
They reserved us a room at this kinky-looking hotel?
Well, it's better than a bench at a train station.
What are we doing?
Should we go back to France-za? Apologize to Master?
I heard he's saying, "If Take comes, don't let him into the theater."
That's not an option then.
Why did you make it rotate?
Well, because it rotates.
What do you mean by that?
TWO YEARS EARLIER
ASAKUSA
Hey, Master! Yesterday's last race was a big upset.
I bought two-eight.
Let's celebrate at my restaurant tonight!
You fool. As if I could use it all there.
I wanna say that someday! Bye!
Bye!
Master, good morning.
-Hey. Beautiful as always. -Am I?
-I'm talking about the cleaning. -Oh, come on!
Good morning.
Leading by the strings of the moon,
I'll cut the darkness with my itching sword.
I am the third generation, Tsukikage--
It's a shame… You fool!
You cut me too soon!
I was giving a cool speech. Wait until I finish.
I'm sorry.
I am the third generation, Tsukikage Musashi!
You're late!
Attack me at the right time!
"Tsukikage Musashi." Pow! Then, yah!
I'm sorry.
Tsukikage Musashi!
Pow!
Don't say it out loud, you fool!
That makes the duel so idiotic! Say it to yourself!
I'm sorry.
Tsukikage Musashi!
You're wide open!
No, stop it. Why are you showing your butt to the audience?
Turn your head. Show your face as you die!
-I'm sorry! -Come on!
You're wide open!
GREAT MARCH OF THE NUDES
TODAY'S PERFORMANCES
SENZABURO FUKAMI, TROUPE DIRECTOR
Ma'am.
What's going on with that thing? About Master…
Steamed cakes?
I didn't come to Asakusa to be an elevator boy.
I know.
Oh, welcome!
-It's 800 yen. -800 yen, okay.
-Here you go. -Thank you.
Enjoy.
Hi. Oh, it's unusual for you to be here this early.
I'm working nights from this month.
Enjoy.
ASAKUSA FRANCE-ZA
Leading by the strings of the moon,
I'll cut the darkness with my itching sword.
I am Tsukikage Musashi.
You're late, you fool! I've already finished saying it.
You're late, you fool!
Loved
Dumped
Forgotten
In the corner of the room
I
Commit
Myself
To you
That was
Transient love
Just a passing fancy
I don't know why But I don't want to think so
That makes my heart wrench so bad
Like a doll
Covered in dust
Waiting impatiently
Weeping floods of tears In the corner of the room
I commit myself
To you
I commit myself
To you
Hi.
Who are you?
Well, I'm living in the dressing room now and I heard you singing…
Oh, you're the elevator boy.
What do you want?
Well, I'm not here for anything.
You're… a good singer.
I won't let you bang me.
What?
I just said, "You're a good singer."
But you thought you could bang me.
No, I didn't!
I mean, why would I think like that?
I tell you, it's a big mistake to assume that all men think about that.
Oh, can I bang you?
Could you at least listen to what he has to say? You know him.
Fine. But is he worth it?
-Oh, it's him! -Good morning.
We were just talking about you, Take.
Please give me your support!
Hmm…
And? What kind of skill do you have?
What?
An artistic skill. You wanna be a performer, right?
What kind of skill do you have?
Nothing in particular.
What?! You fool! Are you messing with me?
You can't become a showman without any skills.
I'm sorry.
Whether it's singing or dancing, you must have a skill to perform onstage.
Oh, but I like jazz. I used to work part-time at a jazz cafe.
Oh, can you play it?
No, I listen.
What good is that?! You wanna be a spectator?
I thought you wanted to be a performer.
That's right.
Don't just clam up. Entertainers need to have quick comebacks.
-You can't even do that… -Now, now, Master.
You suddenly asked him about his skill so he's confused.
I'm sorry, but go ask someone else.
I don't want anyone else!
I really like your skits, Master.
I've seen various comedians' skits,
but Master's skits are the best.
It's like…
even if it's the same pun,
you can make it way funnier than other people.
You talk like you know a lot about comedy.
Gee. My skits are the best?
You don't know anything about comedy, you little shit.
What's so funny?!
Nothing. Do you want some steamed cakes?
No I don't, you fool!
Hey!
Isn't this your job?!
Oh, I'm sorry.
What?
Here.
Okay.
That's what an artistic skill is.
If you're serious, I'll teach you.
Oh, hey! Give me back my bag, you fool!
-Hey! -Oh, okay!
-My bag! -I'll bring it to you!
KING AND QUEEN CHIHARU
Fukami, come on.
It's starting to look good.
Yeah?
Here.
Stop it.
That "I'm enjoying my youth" look. It's embarrassing to watch.
Oh, shut up.
-Anyway… -You can't bang me.
I wasn't gonna say that.
Why are you working here as…
You know.
A stripper?
I've forgotten.
I was traveling around Japan acting and singing in a troupe,
but I found myself dancing naked.
So you were a singer.
No wonder you can sing so well.
Anyone can do as much.
I envy you. You're still at the beginning.
No… Never mind.
Continue.
Hey, Take.
-Yes? -You're on.
What?
Kiyoshi can't go on, so Master wants you.
But…
This is your chance.
Hurry up or Master will change his mind.
Go. I'll handle the elevator for you.
-Thanks. -Mm-hm.
A cocktail waitress?
Yeah. I'm the aniki and Takayama is my sworn younger brother.
And after Takayama leaves, I'll say, "I've got to pick up a hot chick, too,"
then, you walk by.
Then what?
It depends on the audience reaction.
I have to improvise?
Yeah, I'll tell you what to do so just go along with it.
Just go along?
Can you remember your lines then?
Huh? Can you?!
Then go get ready!
Okay.
Hey, Take.
-Yes? -What are you doing?
-Well, I'm a cocktail waitress… -You fool! Remove it now!
-But I should be… -Just remove it!
Listen, Take. Comedians must get a laugh with their skill.
If we wanna get it with a funny face, we can put some ugly person onstage.
If you're a comedian get into your role.
There's no waitress who tries to look ugly.
"I'll be the most beautiful in the world!"
Put on your makeup with that spirit.
I'm sorry.
I don't know about other troupes, but if you wanna work under me,
don't be laughed at.
Make them laugh.
Okay.
Remove it.
-Aniki. -Yeah.
I picked up a hot chick thanks to you.
You sure did.
I'm gonna go to a hotel with that chick now.
Yeah, go ahead.
All right. I've got to pick up a hot chick for myself too.
Oh, here comes one now.
Hey, Miss, would you like to hang out with me?
Yes, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
The skit's gonna end!
You have to reject it. No, you must ignore me and go past.
This guy is so shady, so you should just ignore him.
-Ignore? -Got it?
Okay.
Hey, Miss, would you like to hang out with me?
Say something!
-You told me to ignore… -No, you must say something. Come back!
If we don't talk at all, this skit's not gonna work.
Miss, do you have something to do?
Just say something!
If you're a comedian, just say something. Say it!
I… I was gonna go shopping.
Hey, you, right there. Don't applaud unnecessarily.
Getting applause for that isn't good for him.
Hey, I paid to see this! Don't tell me what to do.
Who do you think you are?
I'm a comedian, you fool.
We don't ask you to watch us. We offer you comedy. So shut up and watch!
Why are you the one shutting up?!
You're a comedian, so speak. Say something funny.
What?! Excuse me? Oh, do you wanna spend a night with me?
What are you doing all of a sudden?! There's no such chick! And you're a guy!
HOGEISEN
Take, how was your first performance?
Awful.
Master ragged me after that like, "You suck!"
He's a narrow-minded old man.
He really is.
Hey!
Oh, sorry.
It's okay. I'm with that guy all the time. Can you imagine?
I respect you for that.
Oh, Inoue. Have you finished writing the skit you told me about?
Oh, yes, a rough outline. I'll ask Master to read it tomorrow.
Give me a good role.
Oh, yeah. Inoue, you're a writer.
No, I'm just an aspiring writer I hope I can become one someday.
Hmm… I'm jealous that you all have dreams.
What are you talking about? You wanna be a singer, right?
You said you'd sing at the Japan Theatre.
But that's--
Well, she's secretly practicing after the shows.
Shut up. You don't have to tell them that.
Hey, everyone, eat more.
As they say, "Eat gei and polish your gei."
"Gei"?
"Gei" means both "whale" and "skill."
-I see. -Don't act smart.
You asked me how to read it before.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Don't play dumb.
Here, eat this.
-Yeah, eat up. -Here, Take, eat this, too.
-Here, Take. -I'll eat them. Thanks.
Thanks.
Anyway, we only have a small audience.
It's the age of TV now.
Master doesn't like it though.
He said it's not suited for performances.
Yeah.
And only old people go to strip clubs now.
Oh, wait a sec.
What are you doing?
Sending a threatening letter to demand money?
It's for my mother.
I left home saying I was gonna be a writer.
So I at least want them to know that I'm alive.
Could you write a letter to my mother for me?
You're from Umejima. You can walk there from here.
I broke free from my old life.
What?
I dropped out of college and I had nothing to do, so I worked part-time for a living.
The people who were so involved in the student protests are now wearing ties.
Everyone's so shrewd and calculating.
Gee.
And I'm living like a vagabond.
I feel pathetic and frustrated.
That's why I came to Asakusa.
To break free from my old life and become a comedian.
Quit college to be a comedian? What a waste.
It's more wasteful to not do anything.
That's how dreamers think and end up dying in a ditch.
Then, I'll die in a funny way and make you laugh.
Wanna pay a visit to the temple?
Can I borrow some money?
Hey, normal people don't make a wish with other people's money.
Just a little?
-You have money. -No, I don't.
No, I know you have at least five yen.
I don't.
Mari!
It was great! Mari, you were beautiful!
You mean it? I'm so happy!
-Here's the usual. -Thank you. Come back again.
-Mm-hm. -Don't go anywhere else.
I only love you, Mari! See you!
Thank you very much!
Take! Take!
That was a good show.
-You studied engineering at school, right? -Yes.
Then, are you good with machines?
No, I only went to college for a week.
The rotating platform's broken. Can you take a look?
-But I'm not… -Oh, Mr. Miyoshi!
I'll leave it to you.
I got this from someone. Share it with Inoue.
Thank you very much! I'm so happy to see you!
Hey.
Is it fixed?
I've never done it, so I don't know.
I'm impressed, Mr. Engineer.
Shut up.
KING AND QUEEN CHIHARU
Master. I'm sorry, I'll just…
Hey, Take!
Master was here!
Master!
I'm sorry!
You're pissing me off, you bastard.
All right. You can have those shoes.
What?
How can I wear shoes that were worn by an amateur?!
Thank you!
It's 500 yen.
What? I thought you were gonna give them to me.
You brazen bastard. Do you know how much they are? Why would I--
Never mind. I'll buy them.
Thank you very much.
-Gee. -Oh, Master!
Um…
Could you teach me other steps?
I refuse, you fool.
What?
There are no more steps to teach!
Come see me tomorrow.
Don't forget the 500 yen!
-Good morning! -Morning!
Have some sponge cakes.
-Yum! -Yay!
What?
Didn't you hear?
I'll let you perform officially as a comedian.
Really? Thank you very much.
You did it, Take.
You're now a stage manager, too. Don't collapse.
A stage manager?
Setting and removing props, picking up costumes… Basically any odd job.
If you have any questions, ask him.
Please teach me.
Also, you haven't got a place and been sleeping in the dressing room, right?
Yes.
The room below ours just became vacant, so I rented it for you.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
-All right, let's just start with this. -Okay.
Now, I think I'm gonna take a break…
-Takayama. -Yes?
-Polish my shoes. -What?
Got a problem?
-Really? -Yay!
I should do it.
-Great! Let's do it. -It's no good.
-You sure? -Yes.
Because Hiro said he wanted to wear it.
Next, Chiharu, you're up.
Okay.
Oh, Take, could you zip it up?
-Today's audience is a bit tough. -I see.
Then I'm gonna go do my best.
NUMBER 2 MATSUKURA APARTMENT
Well, it's for Room 102 and this room, so the change is…
Oh, no. Keep it.
Yeah? Thank you as always, Master.
-Okay, good night. -Yeah.
Mari. Good night.
Yes, thanks. Good night.
Thanks.
How's Take?
What?
Oh…
Well, I don't know yet.
But you're even paying for his rent, so you have high hopes for him.
Yeah, I sort of do.
Maybe he'll become successful.
Hey.
I think I'll work as a geisha.
What?
I can make more money as a geisha than as a dancer.
What are you talking about? You don't have to worry about that.
Then who's gonna worry about it?
Hm? Are you gonna worry about it for me?
-Are you? -It's gonna be alright.
People will come back to the theater soon enough.
Because, after all, I'm Fukami of Asakusa.
Well, the thing is if you become a geisha, you'll get popular.
Then I think I'll go see you every day. I'll end up spending money anyway.
Right, Mari?
I'll end up spending money.
I think you better make the introduction easier to understand.
But if you explain things too much you'll end up spoiling the joke.
You're right.
But I think that's okay, so let's give it a try…
-I don't really like it. -Why?
-All right. I'll be back soon. -Okay.
Oh, right.
What should I do?
Here.
Thanks. Need anything on the way back?
A mink fur.
Okay. Sorry if I come back with a mikan orange peel.
I said a mink fur!
No, it's just how you do it…
Oh, Master, hi.
Oh, it's you guys. What are you doing?
Well, we were rehearsing our skit.
Rehearsing? Sounds like you guys are already pros.
Good timing. Wanna go eat?
Good timing? Master, you said the same thing yesterday.
Shut up, you idiot.
-Do you wanna go or not? -I'll go.
-Me, too. -I'm hungry.
Then say so from the start.
What do you wanna eat?
-Sushi. -Sushi.
Sushi? Why don't you guys say something more reasonable?
-Eel? -That's no different.
-Reasonable. -They're both expensive.
Udon sounds good, right?
Here is your beer.
No, no. You don't need to pour it.
Just eat.
Guys, I've been wanting to mention this, but what are you wearing?
What?
Comedians must wear nice clothes.
No matter how foolish you act onstage, you should be cool offstage.
Got it?
But I'm a writer…
What? Yeah. That's why I wasn't talking to you.
But you were talking to him.
Shut up, you idiot!
Listen, Take.
Wear nice clothes.
If you don't eat for three days, no one'll notice,
but everyone'll notice what you wear.
Then, pay me more.
Oh, no. Gee. That's not the point here.
Oh, speaking of which, you haven't paid me 500 yen yet.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't give them to you for free.
Master, thank you as always.
Sure. Everything was delicious.
-Please come again. -Thanks for the meal.
You fool!
Look there.
I wanted those.
What?
I'd put them on and say,
"Oh, did I get taller?"
"No, you fool!"
That's how you learn.
If you can't act silly offstage, you can't do it onstage.
Comedians must always act silly.
Okay.
-Let's go. -Thank you.
-See you. -Yes, come again.
Excuse me…
I've been wondering about Master's left hand…
Oh, about that.
I heard that it happened at a munition plant during the war.
It got caught in a conveyor belt and this all got chopped off.
That's why it's always bandaged.
I see.
But he can even play the guitar with those fingers,
so Master's a hell of a man.
I'm what?
Oh, good morning.
-Move. -Good morning.
Don't "Good morning" me, you fool.
You were talking behind my back, you bastard.
No, we weren't.
Master.
-What? -I just heard from Takayama.
About your left hand.
What about it?
Did you really eat it because you were hungry?
I'm not an octopus, you fool! Why would I eat myself?!
I'm not that hungry, you bastard!
Okay. But it must be hard to swim. You can't help but go towards the left.
Yeah, even if I swim hard, I'll end up where I started.
Shut up!
-I'm actually a good swimmer. -Yeah?
But when I compete, I always lose by a touch.
You fool! Don't make me say it!
ASAKUSA FRANCE-ZA
You're an adult!
-I'm a child. -A child? What are you saying?
-How old are you? -I'm eight.
Eight?!
On all accounts, he's over 30.
What? Old man, I'm really eight.
Eight? No way.
Fine, then what were you doing today?
I went to the zoo today.
The zoo?
There were so many horses, so I got excited and bet all my money!
That's a horse race. You don't call it a zoo.
Azuhachi, I'm so impressed. I heard you're all over TV these days.
No, no.
You impudently became a big star.
Thanks to you.
By the way, that young fellow, Take. He's improved a lot since I last saw him.
Oh, you think so?
These days, people even come just to see his skits.
Maybe that punk will become successful.
That's great.
Now, Master.
I kind of heard something through the grapevine.
It's hard to ask,
but is this theater in quite serious financial trouble?
What?
That's right.
I mean, it was always in trouble.
The thing is, one of my disciples is running a company,
and he says he can afford to hire one person. What do you think?
What do you mean?
Are you telling me to retire from the stage?
You know it, Master.
It's outdated.
France-za and Asakusa are losing its people.
It's time to sell this place or close it--
Shut up!
It's outdated?
Whose fault is that?!
You fools abandoned Asakusa and fawn over TV people.
Master, I owe you a lot, so I just wanted to help you--
You come to see me after a long time and start talking nonsense?
Leave, you bastard!
-Master-- -I said leave!
It doesn't have to be now. Please think about it.
It's good to be number one.
Even if you're so-so smart and go to a so-so college,
you'll end up becoming a so-so teacher.
You making a fool of me?
How was it?
What?
I don't know anything about skits.
Give us your honest opinion.
The first half was funnier.
Yeah, you're right. It becomes dull halfway through.
What is it?
It's nothing.
Well…
Even stars like Kiyoshi Atsumi and Kinichi Hagimoto
stood on this stage, right?
That means they were probably practicing like this right here.
When I think about it, it's kind of amazing.
Take, do you really think you can be like Kin-chan?
I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't.
-Why don't you sing, Chiharu? -What?
I've been thinking about it. You're a good singer.
In between strips, if we can do skits, why not singing?
I don't sing anymore…
You're good enough to get paid.
Inoue can play the guitar.
-Right? -What?
-The guitar? -Yeah.
Hey, Take, I've fixed this…
I'll talk to Master tomorrow. Okay?
This part, "It'll stain the wall"…
Then, "What brand do you smoke?"
"Dad, give me a drink…"
Okay.
How about it?
-Yeah, and then here we can… -Yeah.
Next Wednesday, someone became unavailable so I think Chiharu can fill in.
We have to fill that 15-minute slot anyway.
Well, I think she's a good singer…
Singing?
Well, I don't mind…
Really?
-But, Take-- -Chiharu!
He said yes.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Thank you very much!
Next Wednesday I'm gonna be the emcee,
and I'll introduce you, like boom…
-Inoue, I'm counting on you. -Yeah.
NERVES
What? I didn't know you had a cute side.
Shut up.
Write "whale."
Do your best.
Okay, it's getting exciting in here,
and tonight, we'll present you with a special singing performance by Chiharu.
All right, give it up for Chiharu.
If Johnny comes, tell him
That I waited two hours for him
And I left rather cheerfully
Tell him while you're serving him a drink
If you're his friend, tell him
Without upsetting him
I'll take the next bus
Doesn't matter if it'll go west or east
I noticed
What a lonely town
This town was
That was great!
I like your singing, but it's time to lose those clothes!
Johnny says he wants to see your boobs, too!
-Boobs! -Boobs, boobs!
Don't be so impatient.
Show us more!
I'll show you more later.
Wait! Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey.
It's been a while.
Master's already left.
Oh, that's okay.
Say…
are you hungry?
How have you been doing since leaving France-za?
Yeah, this has to do with that, but…
Take, do you wanna do manzai with me?
Manzai?
Yeah, how about it?
Well, manzai is going to be a thing now.
All you need is a mic and you can do it anywhere in Japan.
If things go well, we can go on TV and make a lot of money,
and drive an imported car.
What's with you? I'm not interested in manzai.
Since you're quite skillful,
don't you wanna test your abilities elsewhere?
Elsewhere? What about France-za?
If I leave…
I owe Master a lot, so I don't wanna say this,
but honestly, I think France-za is already in trouble.
You can tell by the empty seats.
That's my point.
What will happen to it if I leave now?
Well, I understand your concern,
but what about yourself?
I thought you really wanted to do comedy.
Gee. There's nothing to take anymore. There!
Yes! Three Lights!
Did you still have it? Oh, gee. Wait a minute.
Thank you, thank you. Let's keep playing. Hey, Koi-Koi!
Hey, Take. Change the channel.
-Sure. -50 yen.
Watching that will suck my luck away.
-Thank you. -That manzai nonsense is a joke.
-Deal the cards. -Let's call it a night.
SHOCHIKU ENGEI HALL
-I know I got married a little late. -Not a little. Really late.
-All I did was work. -He had no chance.
-But I got married. -She must've given up.
Shut up!
Like, "Oh, I can't find anyone else!"
It was worth the wait. We had more than 300 guests.
-Guests? -Politicians, business leaders, celebs.
Blood clams, geoduck clams, and even scallops? But it's a shame…
Hey, don't smoke, you fool! It'll stain the wall!
That's not important!
-This is a rented house. -No, mister, that's not the point.
-Teacher, the school building's rented? -Mister, listen. Here's the thing.
Your son may only smoke cigarettes now.
But smoking could lead to shoplifting. And then, thinner sniffing.
And then, getting locked up. That's how delinquents escalate.
Take! Take!
Yes?
Have you fed Pippi?
What?
I asked if you've fed the parakeet.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Cut the "I'm sorry" crap! I always tell you to feed the bird.
I was preparing for the skit.
Skit?
Listen, I've been wanting to say this for a while.
I think you're confused.
Sachi.
People come to this theater to see us naked.
To see our boobs.
Not skits or singing.
Your job is to make sure that we can concentrate on dancing.
Skits are just fillers.
Enough, Sachi.
Take, you're good to go.
Tell me, am I wrong?
DO NOT MASTURBATE
Hello!
Sorry to keep you waiting.
-Your drink? -I'll have the same.
Okay.
What's wrong?
Well… about that thing.
What thing?
What you said the other day.
About us doing manzai.
What? So…
Hey, Takayama. Let's have a game.
No, I'll pass.
What? How can a disciple turn down his master's invitation?
Rather, how can a master take money from his disciple?
You just have to win.
Let's do it.
Here he comes. Take, you'll accept my challenge, right?
You see? This is what makes you and him different.
This determination will show onstage.
All right. As usual, 10 yen per point.
I quit.
What?
Would you rather 50 yen per point?
I like that. I accept your challenge, you bastard. Bring it on!
I'm not talking about that…
What's the matter?
I quit France-za.
Let me quit and compete in the outside world.
I've decided to do manzai.
I've decided to do manzai with Kiyoshi who used to perform here.
What are you talking about?!
Now that you can do skits a bit better, you want out?
What can a fool like you with half-baked skills do out there?!
And manzai of all things? What've you learned from me, you bastard?
That crap isn't even entertainment!
Two people, just talking nonsense! You wanna charge your audience for that?!
There's hardly even an audience to charge here.
What did you say?!
I can't get on TV if I stay here.
You can't do this to Master who's been so good to you.
Then, should I just die miserably here?
What?
What's the point in making people who seek nudity laugh?
Even if I get a big laugh here, it won't take me anywhere!
What's gotten into you, Take?
Hey.
You're really making me laugh, Take.
When did you learn to say such funny stuff, you bastard?
You trained me.
Hey.
Hey, Take!
Take!
I'm sorry.
That hurts.
Don't ever come back.
Be a star at any cost.
Be like Kin-chan.
Got it?
Mm-hm.
If I become a star…
You can't bang me.
Okay, just go.
Go, go, just go.
There's no way we can bang like this.
Bang?
Whoa, wait a minute. What?
I…
broke free from my old life not just once but twice.
A guy like that must not do things half-heartedly, you fool.
Take? What do you mean by bang? What are you talking about?
Shut up and go to sleep.
-But you said bang… -Shut up.
I can't help feeling uneasy.
I wanna do manzai that I've never seen before.
What do you mean?
We're gonna destroy traditional manzai.
First of all, having "Shokakuya" before our name is so old-fashioned.
What? Then, do you wanna change our name?
There was an American comedian named Lenny Bruce. He took drugs and died young.
I used to work part-time at a jazz cafe.
Each song has its own tempo.
And this Lenny Bruce guy recklessly talked about racism and criticized religion.
I wanna do something like that.
There are eight-beat rhythms and four-beat rhythms…
Then, there are two of us so…
Two Beat it is.
TWO BEAT
Hello.
We're Two Beat.
Hey Granny, don't die during our manzai.
What are you saying?
That's too much. Here you go.
-Take it. -Thank you.
Okay, here you go.
Count them.
Thank you as always.
Pardon me.
Here is your tea.
That guy, Take, who used to perform at France-za…
I heard he teamed up with Kiyoshi and they're doing well.
I heard so, too.
They say that now even comedians are going out of their way to watch them.
It's quite impressive.
Oh, yeah? They're that popular now?
I've counted it all.
Then sign your name here. Just a formality.
PROMISSORY NOTE 300,000 YEN
So, how long are you two gonna continue?
What?
France-za.
It's in deep trouble, right?
Just close it.
How long are you gonna keep doing this?
The times have changed.
Tell Fukami so.
Here you go.
Thank you very much.
The matinee performance has been canceled.
What?
You should've told us sooner. We were getting ready for it.
Shut up. Rather than complain, bring people in.
What should we do? Go out to eat?
No…
TWO BEAT
The law will be changed next year.
-Anyone over 80 will be put to death. -How could you! That's nonsense!
-But I'm kind to the elderly. -Oh, are you?
I am. A grandma asked for directions the other day.
-I told her a shortcut. -Did you?
-She happily walked onto the highway. -No!
-She might get hit by a car! -So many accidents lately.
-So many cars. -Remember traffic slogans.
-There are lots. -"Caution does no harm."
-"Jump in front of cars, happy kids!" -Hey! There's no such slogan!
"Let's run the red light together."
No! You can't run it!
And "A grandma buys tampons to show off."
-That's irrelevant! -So many.
That's unrelated!
"No worries. The grandma has no future."
Stop! Why do you always say such cruel things?
"Beware! Ugly girls try to get groped."
That makes no sense. That's not a traffic slogan!
Like you'd know. Yamagata doesn't have any.
Of course we have them.
-He's from Yamagata. -Yes, I am.
-Before Tokyo, he'd never seen a person. -Hey!
-His dad was a cannibal until last year. -A cannibal?
When a plane flies by, they worship it.
-No we don't! -They call any plane a B-29!
We don't say that!
I am Tsukikage Musashi…
It's a shame… You fool!
-You cut me too soon! -I'm sorry.
I was giving a cool speech. Wait until I finish.
I'm sorry.
I am the third generation, Tsukikage Musashi!
-Mari, why don't you drink, too? -Oh, thank you.
You've got to drink. There.
Yeah, that's it.
What a woman!
Hi, it's me.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Mari, could you take these?
Okay.
Hello. Sorry to keep you waiting!
-Were you waiting for me? -I was waiting for you!
Hey now, hold on.
Here.
-Me? -I'll pour for you.
All right…
-Mr. Kawamura. -Yes, yes.
-Yes? -This is the man.
Oh, then, come here. Right here.
Um…
-Nice to meet you. -Yeah.
This one and this one. Put them here.
Then, a screw. Like this…
And do this…
Mari?!
Mari!
Are you okay?!
I have a bad toothache.
Do you brush?
Hey, Mr. Fukami.
Is it true you were a comedian?
Yes, kind of.
-You were a comedian? -He was.
-No way!
Can you do something now?
A comedian, right?
That means you can do something now.
They do magic tricks and rakugo, right? Show us.
-Please. Do it, Mr. Fukami. -Mr. Fukami.
-Do it. Show us. -I wanna see it now.
-Okay, let's do it! -All right!
Show us a good one.
There are no tricks or gimmicks.
Prepare to be mystified…
My fingers are gone.
Oh, Mr. Fukami.
-Yes? -There's a phone call for you.
For me?
I'm Kuroda.
TOKYO 12 CHANNEL TV DIRECTOR
-Is it a TV job? -Yes.
I know it's next Friday, but we suddenly have an opening.
So?
Well, we have to do manzai here…
We can do it. Of course. We'll figure something out.
-You sure? -Yes!
What time should we be there?
Thank you for everything.
Oh, I was surprised.
-You know Mr. Taniguchi's wife, right? -Yeah.
She happened to be there and called me.
I see.
Anyway, eat something good with this.
That's okay, Master. You don't have to do that.
I mean it. Don't worry.
-Thank you. -All right.
-Take care of Mari. -Yeah.
Thank you very much.
No, you don't need to get up. Don't push yourself.
-Yes. -See you.
Thank you.
What? Do you wanna get up?
All right.
Hold on a sec.
Do you want some tea?
-Here. -Thanks.
I'm sorry. I guess I made you push yourself.
But, actually, I got a job.
Well, that bastard Azuhachi,
begged me to take it because they were really short-handed.
And I can't ignore when my disciple is in trouble, right?
I didn't have a choice.
You'll do it again, right?
What?
You belong onstage.
I like you when you're onstage.
Does that mean you don't like me offstage?
What's there to like about you offstage?
That's true.
You're so sexy onstage.
The way you stand and the way you talk…
It's like, "This is Fukami of Asakusa."
Why are you telling me this now?
Did you hit your head?
I'll take back France-za for you.
What?
It doesn't have to be France-za, somewhere smaller is fine.
I really wanna see you onstage.
Okay?
To tell you the truth, I have an idea for a new skit.
Really?
I'm thinking about bringing a dog onstage.
You mean an actual dog?
That's right.
-You know, like a police dog. -Mm-hm.
First, a lingerie thief enters from stage left.
Gee.
Saying, "What a haul!"
Then, the dog starts barking.
Woof, woof, woof!
He goes, "What happened?"
Why did you stop me? Let me die, you fool!
-I'll die if you don't let me die! -What?
-He talked nonsense. -Yeah.
And the other day, when I visited my neighbor,
their son was hanging himself with a gas pipe.
-I stopped him and told him… -Oh, good!
-"Put it in your mouth." -No.
-Use gas properly! -Except for that occasion!
-People are odd these days. -Yeah.
-They concentrate too much on anything. -True.
What are you doing?
-Yes? -This is not a variety hall.
This is TV, okay? A live TV show.
You can't make fun of ugly girls or suicide.
Don't you have anything else that's suitable for TV?
You have plenty of time.
Come up with something.
Okay.
How about…
changing this part to the skiing one?
Oh, but he said we shouldn't talk about ugly girls, either.
Then, change the first part to the metal bat one?
Oh, that one.
But we can't expect a big laugh with that one.
-Finely chop it. -I see.
-Pow! -What?
What was that?
-The final chop! -Enough!
Thank you!
All right, that was Comedy Number One. They were both funny, right?
Now, will they be able to keep winning?
We'll be right back.
Okay! We're in a commercial break!
Give it up for Comedy Number One. Thank you, guys.
How are you all doing? Not too tired from laughing?
If you want to go to the bathroom or fix your makeup, please do so now.
There'll be many more wonderful comedians…
It's gonna be fine. It's no different from variety halls.
Many more wonderful comedians…
What've you learned from me, you bastard?
Don't ever come back.
Don't be laughed at.
Make them laugh.
Five seconds to go!
-Four! Three! -Take?
I won't do it.
You won't do what?
We'll do our jokes as they are.
All of them.
No, but…
Okay, let's bring on this week's challenger.
Up-and-comers from Asakusa, Two Beat! Come on out!
1981
Comaneci!
Comaneci! Comaneci!
-Comaneci! -Satoshi!
-Let's go. -Oh, Mom!
Takeshi was here just now!
Which Takeshi are you talking about?
Beat Takeshi! He was just here!
Don't be ridiculous! Let's go home. Your dad is waiting for us.
It's true. See? He signed an autograph for me.
Hey, Mom, what does this kanji mean?
This kanji…
It means "whale."
I see.
Let's go home for dinner.
Let's sing something.
Sure. What do you wanna sing?
-How about… -Hm?
A bear cub watched a game of hide-and-seek
A child who showed their bottom Won the first prize
The sun is going down, so see you tomorrow
See you tomorrow
-Hello! -Hi.
-I'll have the usual. -Okay. Eggs and chives.
Got it.
Hey, why are you watching baseball, ma'am? The Manzai is on today.
It's a home run!
If we're bad, we'll go to hell.
Oh, yes! It's Two Beat.
They're quite successful.
Now it kind of feels strange to think that they used to be in Asakusa.
I wanna watch baseball.
What are you talking about? You don't even like base…
Oh, the Giants are playing today.
Don't touch it!
Don't touch it…
-What's in the second room? -It's on ice.
Everyone steps on it and goes, "It's cold, it's cold!"
-You'll get frostbite. -I pleaded for mercy.
-Yeah. -He said, "This is the last."
-The third room. -When I opened it…
Everyone was soaking in poop up to their necks like this.
In poop?!
-And smoking. -Smoking?
Well, but you know, Master. They're getting a little rough.
Their performances have been getting rough since they went on TV.
Entertainers must have some skills to entertain people.
-When I think about it-- -Hey.
What are you blabbering about, you bastard?
What?
Don't talk like you know everything!
What do you know about them, you fool?!
They don't have skills?
Do you have a problem with my disciples?!
-You bastard! -What?!
Are you okay, Master? I'm sorry.
What are you doing?!
-Because… -Gee!
Just go home! Go, go!
Hey, honey, look!
-Whose disciples do you think they are? -Some ice!
And bring me the first aid kit, too!
-It's upstairs! -Then I'll go get it!
The 11th Japan Broadcasting Entertainment Awards grand prize goes to…
Two Beat!
Congratulations!
Thank you very much!
Thank you!
Now, they'll receive the prize money and the trophy!
-Congratulations. -Thank you.
Unbelievable!
What are you doing?!
-Can't I take her home? -No!
You take the trophy home!
-Mister. -Yes?
Could you take me to Asakusa, instead?
It's not safe to leave it unlocked.
What are you doing here, you bastard?
I just happened to be in the neighborhood.
If you're coming, at least call me.
I'm sorry.
Do you wanna eat something? Are you hungry?
No, I'm fine.
There's a ramen place that delivers right away.
No, I'm really not hungry.
Master.
Take this.
PRIZE MONEY
What's this?
It is…
your allowance.
Are you messing with me?
How could I possibly accept it?
Gee.
I've never heard of a disciple giving his master
an allowance, you fool!
One, two, three…
You're counting them!
Stop counting, you shitty old man!
-Who you calling that, you fool?! -I'm sorry.
-Do you wanna go for a drink? -Yes.
Okay, I'm gonna get ready, so wait a little bit.
HOGEISEN
No, it's true!
Now he's on TV like he's some big shot, but at first, he was a complete mess.
When Mari told him to run a bath for her bathing show, this fool ran boiling water!
It was too hot, so she hopped around the tub with her foot in it like "Ow, ow!"
She was so angry.
Of course, you fool!
After that, she was blushing furiously and saying, "I'm not Goemon Ishikawa!"
But Master was crazy, too.
We were watching an idol singing on TV.
He said, "Lift the TV up," and I wondered what he'd do.
He actually tried to see her panties.
Don't say that, you fool!
I was trying to see her panties,
but Kiyoshi said, "It's heavy" and let go of the TV.
The TV fell and hit me. I was badly hurt, you fool!
You've come back after all this time talking nonsense.
You never stop talking, so my balls are about to explode!
Your shoes, Master.
Thanks.
Oh, did I get taller?
No, you fool!
Why would I wear these pink heels?
How could you not tell?!
We got lots of laughs.
Yeah, we did.
We got lots of laughs.
The lady in front of me was in tears.
Well, I was making her laugh.
What are you talking about? She was laughing at my story.
No, that… that was my story--
Hey, taxi!
-Take, get in. -I can still drink.
No, you have work early tomorrow, right?
-Go home and sleep. -You okay?
Yes, I am, you fool!
Oh, yeah.
Here's your cab fare.
Oh, thank you.
But this is the money I gave you!
-Is it? -Yes.
Okay, just get in.
-Thank you for the meal. -Yeah.
-Hey, Take. -Yes?
If there's any left over,
bring me back the change.
Okay.
Hey, Mari.
It's been a while since we last drank together.
I'm sure they don't have good sake over there.
Mari.
Take said
it was my allowance.
And he gave this to me.
What an insolent brat, right?
I'm his master.
I've never heard of
a disciple giving his master an allowance.
But…
He is something.
I knew he would do it.
He did become successful.
But…
I have to keep up, too.
Because I'm…
Fukami of Asakusa.
Oh, yeah.
I came up with a new skit.
I told Take about it
and he said, "Let's do it together."
We're gonna get a big laugh.
We're gonna get a big laugh…
Hello.
Oh, hi. It's been a while.
Yes.
-Do you think he'll come? -Isn't he coming? Takeshi?
-Maybe he won't come today. -Yeah.
I hope he does.
-We've got no story here without Takeshi. -None.
SENZABURO FUKAMI'S FUNERAL
What should we do?
Should I ask them to let us in from the back?
-Excuse me. Take us to the back door. -Okay.
Oh, it's here.
I'm gonna go deal with the reporters.
Hey.
It's me who told Master to close France-za.
Yes, I heard about it.
I never thought he'd die this young.
When I think about how he could've remained a comedian until the end,
I feel so responsible.
No…
I'm the one who should've done more,
so thank you.
Not at all.
When I first asked Master about closing France-za,
he got really angry at me.
Well, I had been prepared for that.
What I didn't expect was for Master to say,
"If I close this place, what would happen to Take?"
Leave, you bastard!
-Master. -I said leave!
It doesn't have to be now. Please think about it.
If I close this place,
what would happen to Take?
Who's gonna look after him?
That fool is the real deal.
Until I teach him everything…
I can't close this place.
Even after you left,
I heard he visited other theater managers with a bottle of sake as a gift,
and bowed to them saying, "Please take care of them."
Hi, Master!
-I'm sorry, I know you're busy. -It's fine.
-For you. Give them odd jobs or anything. -I can't believe he bowed to others.
Even when he got involved with yakuza, he never bowed.
He cared so much about you.
I wish he did the same for me.
Why did you do that, Master?
You're so impatient.
Someone is gonna burn you when you die anyway,
so why bother burning yourself?
But I heard
they got a call from the crematory.
Since you're half-burned, they'll do it at half price.
Man…
What a deal.
Right?
ASAKUSA FRANCE-ZA ENGEI HALL TOYOKAN
ASAKUSA FRANCE-ZA
Oh, Take!
I have lots of mikan oranges so come get them later.
Listen, Take. Don't suck up to your audience.
You tell them what's funny.
Oh, Take. Master said we can do this skit tomorrow.
About the casting, I think you'll be better as the novelist.
Is this enough?
Take, you wore this in a skit without asking. I said no.
Look here. It's come undone. What are you gonna do about it?
Ah, five minutes to curtain!
Take, I heard you spent all the money that Master won on the horse race.
This is bad. He's gonna be furious with you.
Take, Master's handing out full-house bonuses.
But it's only 50 yen.
-Hey, stop! -Why don't you get naked sometimes?
-Mari, stop. I mean it! -Take, restrain him!
Hey, Take! Help!
Hey, Take! Whoa, no!
Hey… Oh, gee.
Pippi fled!
Hey, Take! That way! Hurry up!
Take! The toilet won't flush.
You studied engineering, right?
-You fool, lift it up more. More! -You won't see them, Master.
Shut up. A little more.
Oh, I think we can see them. Hey, Take! Help us!
-We can't! -Oh, I think I saw them!
Those were panties, weren't they?!
Merry Christmas!
Hey, Take. Can we switch places?
-What, why? It's cute. -No.
-It's cute, right, Take? -No. Please.
Hey, Take! You got a little laugh and got carried away.
How'd a five-minute skit last 20 minutes, you fool?!
My skit was shortened because of that.
Know your place, you fool!
Take, you're late!
-He's finally here! -Did you forget? I told you we'd go pray.
Get ready now. Heaven will punish you for this.
We'll see you there!
Happy birthday!
Huh? Take… What are you doing, Take?
Hey, I told you to bring Master here.
No, no. Let's do it again.
-We're out of poppers. -Master's coming!
What should we do?
Just smile!
Hey, you, right there. Don't applaud unnecessarily.
Getting applause for that isn't good for him.
Hey, I paid to see this! Don't tell me what to do.
Who do you think you are?
I'm a comedian, you fool.
Subtitle translation by: Tsuyoshi Koide