"Therefore by reducing factories
and employees, we can manage to refloat. .
Refloat?
Yes?
"Refloat."
Going over the speech you forgot the company builds ships?
What?
You like a play on words or what?
I didn't notice.
Of course you didn't.
See if you notice this. Call Human Resources.
Tell them I want a new assistant waiting in the office.
Oh, that you noticed, huh?
Get your things and leave.
Is that coffee for you?
For you. Double espresso.
With stevia.
Is it raining?
No.
I didn't think so.
Print a new one and take it to the boardroom.
-Stevia and coffee separate, correct? -Correct.
Perfect. After that, get your things and leave.
What you have to understand is Mr. Allende-Salazar doesn't like protocol.
He prefers a relaxed atmosphere.
And what is very important
and you cannot do under any circumstances is...
It's better just to keep your mouth shut.
Understood?
Places, everyone.
Mayte!
How are you?
You're late. And your sister is pissed about your reclusion.
That's always been the problem. Same genes,
different priorities.
That's why today's
board meeting will decide if the company
will follow your priorities or your sister's.
Meet Yuma,
my new spiritual adviser.
That's right, Mayte.
Instead of bringing back a tribal mask or a pot,
I brought a shaman like a souvenir.
But when you're trying to save the fate of your company
and the world, you need the best advisers.
That's why I have you.
And now Yuma as well.
-Thank you. -You're welcome, Mr. Allende-Salazar.
Mr. Allende-Salazar?
No! Don't call me that.
Call me Roberto, Robertico,
Robertiño, Tuco, Berto...
But don't call me Mr. Allende-Salazar.
That was my father. If you want to call someone Mr. Allende-Salazar,
try my sister.
Good morning, Roberto.
These are the factories your sister proposes closing.
She's also made a report on personnel reduction
according to performance and seniority.
Mayte, don't worry.
I'll take this meeting to safe harbor.
You're so hard on naval humor.
What's this?
This? Mr... Roberto gave it to me.
But he needs those reports for the meeting right now.
Why did he give them to you? What is this, "The Cat in the Hat"?
Therefore by reducing
factories and employees, we can manage to increase dividends...
Hi!
What my sister is telling you...
Hi. Closing factories and letting people go, is no longer necessary.
Excuse me?
Ladies and gentlemen,
this... is not just a simple turbine.
This...
is the future.
I could explain the complex process of obtaining energy from waves,
saving 40% of fuel, but let's be honest.
You wouldn't understand and you don't care.
You'd much rather skip straight to the hors d'oevres, am I right?
Now that my brother has finished tooting his own horn,
as usual,
-we can continue. -No. Look.
The plan my sister wants to propose to the shareholders
next month to face the crisis we're in
is...
is... basically that.
Close factories, fire people... The typical fear approach.
What did CMA-CMG do last year?
Fire people and stop building new ships. And how are they now?
The same. I propose we innovate.
And change the world
with this small work of art.
Yes, but the time to innovate
is when things are good, not when you're sinking.
A naval play on words, I love it.
I want to sail ahead, you want to drop the anchor.
Sorry, Roberto, but that's not how things work.
First we choose which project to present to the board.
Okay.
Shall we?
Sorry, Daniela, but that's not how things work.
Any decision has to be made by you, me and Fernando.
Where is Fernando?
You haven't heard. Of course.
There's no Wi-Fi in the Amazon.
Fernando gave me his vote for life.
What?
Shall we decide?
Who wants to propose a doodle of a turbine to the board?
Who doesn't?
Don't have too much fun at the shipping company Christmas party
because afterwards we have to clean the spill.
Is that too much?
No, it's totally your style.
The typical joke nobody laughs at but whoever does pisses themself.
Oh.
Thanks.
By the way,
if you happen to run into Roberto Allende-Salazar,
show him this photo of me.
Hey, of course!
That's exactly what I should do in my first audition all year.
Did I mention it's December?
I'll send it to you.
Good lord,
look at him!
You're really saying you don't think he's hot?
No.
I'm into typical arty-farty hipsters.
They call them dad-bods now, but they're the same old chubsters.
They type of guy who's never been with a girl like you.
Who idolizes you, worships you, asks for permission to ejaculate
and who you end up going out with longer because you're trapped
in a mix of love and pity.
Until you say: "That's enough.
You can't dump all your insecurities on me."
And you leave him.
And the guy leaves and two days later he's over it.
And not just that, he's much better than you.
He starts going to the gym, gets a great job,
dates a pretty girl, smart, nice, with a blog...
And that's when you say:
"Maybe I wasn't so out of his league.
Maybe I let the man of my dreams...
get away.'
That's the type of guy I like. You should know that by now.
Your pass is ready.
Thank you.
Come with me to the elevator?
Yeah.
Bye.
Hey, you took the magazines.
The blonde in administration, you know which one I mean?
Yeah, I made a move and she's going down, you'll see.
Come on, you're not fooling anyone. You're not the fucker type.
Okay, you're a nice guy,
you have conversation and if you work at it, a girl might go for you.
But look at you and look at me.
I've got something else.
I give off sex.
Any girl, 100% of them would rather fuck me than you.
-Yeah, right. -Excuse me.
-Which one of us would you fuck? -What?
If we were in a bar or nightclub
and we both hit on you, who would you leave with?
The first taxi driver who stops?
Come on, lighten up. You must like one of us more.
I like girls. I'm a lesbian, okay?
Leave me alone, I'm concentrating.
-Okay, yeah, but... -No buts.
You lesbians sure can be nasty bitches.
Excuse me, is he bothering you?
Good one, good one.
-What, Roberto, you want her to pick you? -I don't pick any of you. This isn't Tinder.
Damn, how many floors are there? Is this Dubai or what?
Come on, baby. It's not so hard.
We only want your opinion. What do you think of us?
You want to hear what I think of you?
Hello!
Why did you give Daniela your vote?
I knew you'd come, Roberto.
I had to get 20 permits to come in here and you signed them.
Have a seat.
Are you going to tell me why you gave Daniela your vote?
Look, Roberto.
I can take bullets and trenches,
but my little brother demanding answers from me
like a rooster busts my balls.
What bullets and trenches?
The only time you've left Madrid in a uniform
was for your communion in Salamanca dressed as a sailor.
Look.
This is a turbine that will revolutionize ship building.
And your sister refuses to make it because her only idea
is to close factories and fire people.
Great.
But I gave Dan iela my vote for life, so you'll have to convince her.
Here's what we'll do. Give me your vote this time.
Because you know I'm right, I'll change the world, that I'm a genius,
and next time you can give Daniela your vote.
You don't understand the term "for life?"
Why would you? You never commit to anything.
You get a tattoo and it becomes a sticker.
I want out of the company, Roberto.
Then give me your vote. Why give it to uptight Daniela?
Because all you do is party.
And occasionally, if you don't have
a hangover, you have a good idea. But not Daniela.
Daniela is married to the company, she lives for it.
But that's much worse, don't you see?
Daniela has no social life, she never goes out.
You know what that means?
She has no defenses.
She's not trained.
I'm a general of seduction, I train every weekend.
Daniela is easy prey for any gold digger.
She's the Treasure Island of singles.
No, no, no. Daniela works all day long.
She has no time for flings.
-Wanna bet? -What?
-Let's make a bet. -What do you mean?
I'll make her fall madly in love with someone
before next month's shareholder meeting.
If I do, you give me your vote for life.
And if you don't?
-What? -Come on.
I have to win something too, right?
The turbine.
-Who is this guy? -Yuma, my spiritual guide.
And the worst adviser of all time. We're not betting the turbine.
Very good idea, Yama.
-Yuma. -Very good idea, Yama Yuma.
If you lose, you license the turbine to the Spanish navy.
Impossible. Wouldn't you rather bet a spiritual guide
who can be a dickhead sometimes?
No.
The turbine
or there's no bet.
Okay.
Deal!
What are you doing?
This is my guarantee.
Knowing you, it's the only sketch you have, kid.
No, I have plenty more.
Shit!
GET HER... IF YOU CAN
Check.
You see?
Sometimes you have to retreat to stay afloat.
I prefer to sail ahead.
Look at Apple,
investing in new advances
made them number one in their sector.
Apple? The company that fired its creator
for being an egomaniac and a megalomaniac when they were in crisis?
The same that hired him back for his innovative ideas and went to the top.
Hi.
Yeah, when they'd fixed the hole his previous ideas had caused.
Hi.
Can you get out of the way?
Checkmate.
Goodbye.
Yuma.
Yuma!
Whatdo Ido?
She's a rock.
Tall, short, blonde, dark-haired, primitive,
direct, sensitive and with a world inside...
My sister hasn't wavered with any of them.
Women.
No disrespect intended,
but I'm not exactly sure
if you're being derogatory like:
"Women, nobody understands them" or...
are suggesting that Daniela likes women?
Passion is like the wind.
Nobody knows which way it will blow.
Every day I'm more convinced that taking you out
of that hut in the jungle is the best thing I've ever done.
-Are the board members seated? -Yes.
-And the minister? -Yes.
-He brought his wife? -Yes.
-Daniela. -You can go.
I need someone to help me with the viability plan.
Which of these candidates do you like?
You hiring attractive women? How strange.
They're not that great. Which would you say is so...
attractive?
Good evening
and welcome to the Allende-Salazar company Christmas party.
You really had nothing better to do?
Because at least I'm getting paid.
No!
I'm here because...
they're paying me. But the rest of you
have come to have a nice time
and let yourselves go.
But don't get too sloshed,
afterwards we have to clean the spill.
This is the girl who came to heat things up?
My new assistant thought she'd be more dynamic.
A mistake that will cost him dearly.
What is this?
The comedian we hired for the event.
We talked about a professional comedian.
Someone like Ellen DeGeneres or Jimmy Fallon.
-Who is this? -Isabel Fuentes.
She's highly regarded on the underground circuit.
Underground?
Do I look underground to you? Do I?
Is the Allende-Salazar company
-underground to you? -No.
Do you even know what underground means?
That she works in the subway.
Go on, get your things.
I didn't bring anything here with me.
Of course. How underground.
Go to the office, get your things and leave.
Have them send someone else.
Underground.
I love company Christmas
parties.
Basically because I can drink like crazy,
I can let my hair down,
I can be myself in front of the bosses.
The bad thing is the hangover the following Monday
in the unemployment line.
That's okay, I'll take over from here.
-Good evening. -Exactly.
Good evening to the man of the year,
Roberto Allende-Salazar.
Who you all know for his talent
for looking handsome in the tabloids.
No, this man
and his siblings inherited an empire,
the Allende-Salazar company.
Your home, your company.
And running a company isn't easy. It takes effort,
sweat.
But it's so nice to see the fruit of all that effort and work, right?
Roberto can take the company jet
to have a cocktail in Hawaii.
It's too bad you broke up with Barbie.
But I have all of your dolls.
I'm sure it didn't affect you.
You're a man with self-esteem.
You can tell.
Roberto likes himself
so much that in his wallet,
the ID card and driver's license are kissing each other.
He likes himself so much that his Instagram photos
like themselves.
Roberto isn't one of those millionaires
who compensate for a small penis buying flashy cars.
No.
Roberto builds ships that are 600 feet of length.
That's a lot to compensate, huh, Roberto?
And that's how I got the idea.
Of course, I didn't realize I was fast asleep.
Thank you, good night.
I'm such an idiot.
Come on, don't torture yourself.
Look at me. I've never lasted more than one month in a job
and here I am, doing great. Any corn nuts left?
They only let me do my act here because I tend bar.
Any stand-up job I get is important to me.
I'm an idiot.
-What's wrong? -I'm an idiot.
She had to do a stand-up act at a company Christmas party
and ended up roasting the owner.
-My future ex-husband, by the way. -Look, sweetie.
We're comedians. We go anywhere the joke takes us.
Euthanasia is illegal, but there's no law against professional suicide.
Professional suicide, don't exaggerate. Any corn nuts left?
isa, I don't understand how you can be
so funny and such a pain at the same time.
What, you took a dig at Roberto Allende-Salazar?
So what?
You think he's at his mansion crying? Of course not.
-No? -He's probably
swimming in 500-euro bills and drinking champagne.
Rich people forget everything in two seconds. Besides,
you'll never see him again.
-Never. -Hi.
I have a job offer for you.
Can we talk for a second?
-Yes. -No.
To tell the truth, I don't like hipster post-humor.
It sounded like a childish way to cover up envy, but hey.
We all have to deal with grade school trauma.
And why did you come?
Because I don't think you're funny, but my sister does.
She hasn't laughed like that in years.
The last time was at school when she got the math teacher fired.
So I want you to seduce her.
-What? -I've told you a thousand times.
Your style has a lot of personality.
But it's a fine line between hip and dyke.
Allow me to introduce myself.
Alexia, nice to meet you.
I'm Alex. Hers is the only different name.
This is a serious job like any other. Here's the contract.
If your girlfriend doesn't mind.
Me? No, I like men. A lot.
Especially dark, elegant and classy men.
Pretty much like you.
-More than pretty much. -Same goes for me.
-Can you give us a second? -Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Bye.
Basically it says
you'll be my employee for a period of 3 weeks.
You'll have to do anything I say, including,
but not limited to, questions of seduction,
undergo exhaustive sophistication training and a possible make-over.
Is that really how rich people hook up?
Tell your sister to go on Tinder. Or to buy the company.
My sister has nothing to do with this. In fact, she can't know.
It's all in the contract. I can pay someone to read it to you if you want.
No amount of money in the world
will make me accept this.
I'm not offering you money.
I'm going to make your dream true.
And I don't mean me. I'm every woman's dream.
Well, 80% of women.
You lesbians make up the other 20%.
Though genetically my sister should be your dream.
So I might make two of your dreams come true. You're welcome.
Your brain and tongue are in love and they left out your ears, right?
If you don't mind, I have an empty bar to tend.
I don't think you get it.
I won't insult you with a money offer.
You obviously don't care about money, I can tell.
But as an artist
you have a dream I can make come true.
Woman, comedian, thirtysomething... You think success is around the corner?
I have money and contacts to produce series, films, programs,
host the Goyas, the Feroz, marketing campaigns so aggressive
a monologue goes viral in every corner of the country.
I can make you so big
even Seinfeld from the 90's will be jealous of you.
What do you say?
How do I know you're telling the truth?
Contracts with a TV channel I have shares in
for two films and a late show, all starring
a woman comedian.
Isabel, can I get a drink?
If you're going to seduce someone professionally,
you need a good make-over, like "Pretty Woman."
But if it's for a lesbian, an "ugly woman" make-over might be better.
Your lesbophobic jokes are the worst.
First, the word is lesbophobe.
Second, lesbians love my lesbian jokes more than anyone.
I do lots of trucker bars.
How cute!
Can I borrow it?
-Will you help me or not? -Of course.
That's what we're doing.
I have an infallible tactic for picking someone up.
-Cleavage. -Don't be vulgar.
Jägermeister.
A little for you and a lot for her. Never fails.
I need to seduce her, not steal her liver.
Girls, I'm the expert here in seducing women.
What? Who are you going to listen to,
Miss Jägermeister and her running of the bulls seduction tactics or me?
I can teach you to make eyes like Marlene Dietrich,
to tone down your humor and be charming like Katharine Hepburn
or the mystery of Greta Garbo.
To learn from the most prestigious lesbians.
Katharine Hepburn and Greta Garbo were lesbians?
Good lord, you have so much to learn.
Well, I'm not going to study.
These are Dan iela's favorite books. Study them.
She subscribes to these magazines: interior design, architecture and fashion.
Fashion is something people with style
consider when they dress.
Are you after my comedian job?
What comedian job?
Let's get to work. Time is gold and my gold is paying for your time.
Okay, Fort Knox.
What are you doing?
Read those books at home, they're your homework.
Today we're doing analysis. A thorough study
of the best romantic comedies
to prepare an infallible plan of conquest.
I heard a little Jägermeister does the trick.
Take this.
I have to starta diary?
No, we're taking notes. Take this seriously, it's important.
Okay. Notes, take it seriously, no Jägermeister.
Will you take it seriously?
Totally.
I'm just a girl
in front of a boy
asking him to love her.
Goodbye.
Isabel.
-Isabel! -Yeah, sorry.
I was processing the information.
Okay.
Considering the differences between a dessert fork and a fruit fork,
which is the dessert fork?
Snails.
Oysters.
I really don't get you rich people.
You pay the price of gold for disgusting things
nobody would want for free.
But since they're expensive, you think you're special for eating them.
And you fall in the trap.
Are you saying this tastes better than a Spanish omelet?
Oysters are an exquisite delicacy.
Look at Yuma.
-He hasn't touched it. -Don't be ignorant.
Yuma is a raw vegan.
And I'm an ovo-lacto vegetarian.
You know I'm right.
I hope Social Security covers a shortsightedness operation
because you need one.
Right. Okay.
After the wonderful world of forks,
what's the next super-interesting
super-fun rich people thing
we're going to do? Go to the opera?
Come on, we're late.
Yeah, sorry. I got held up.
And the dress I sent you?
Very nice, thanks. I'll wear it on New Year's.
It was for tonight. Why didn't you wear it?
A little too much for a concert, no?
A concert? This is the opera. You have to dress appropriately.
Yeah, I see you're dressed perfectly for an opera. In 1870.
Today's the centenary.
Of your suit?
Let's go inside.
Come on!
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I was processing the song.
I agree.
Will you watch?
Yes!
When it was over I wanted to shout "encore, encore!"
Can you imagine if everyone would have joined me?
-Roberto, how are you? -Manuel.
I heard you're going to San Francisco.
Your outfit is very amusing.
Very.., modern.
Yeah? It's a French designer.
Bershka.
Oh, right.
She's the reason you're going to lose the bet.
-Goodbye. -See you later.
Bye!
A woman?
But Daniela isn't... Is she?
Well, okay. But if I had to pick a girl,
I would have gone with something a little classier.
Hello, I'm right here.
Oh, you're banging her, right?
Go to the opera, a little shopping later...
You're doing a "Pretty Woman," right?
I can see she's from the hood.
I see your brother is an officer but not a gentleman.
I'm going back to the hood.
What a temper.
Looks like bikes are good for transport and learning karate.
This is how people from the hood do it.
Pay no attention to my brother.
He's kind of a schmuck sometimes.
You're the one giving me protocol classes and sending me clothes to dress to your liking.
If you don't think I'm good enough for your sister,
why did you hire me?
Because you're funny, smart and the only one who made her laugh.
Now we have to find a good situation
for you and Dan iela to meet for the first time.
It has to be like in romantic comedies.
Casual but awkward and tender at the same time.
Should I spill juice on her like in "Notting Hill"?
No. We have to use something she likes to seduce her. Opera, chess...
Perfect. III hit her with a chess board.
No. Equestrian.
Golf.
-Polo. - Roberto...
-Sailing? -It doesn't have to be snobby.
Okay, okay, okay.
I've got it.
Sensitivity to art.
Oh, I have a friend who's
-an illustrator... -No.
Tomorrow there's a private inauguration
in a gallery with a select group of collectors.
Great idea.
I have a confession to make.
I'm a rich people racist.
A "rich-phobe."
Yeah, laugh, but they give me the creeps.
It's actually not normal to be a "rich-phobe" like me.
Normally we're fascinated by them.
Admit it.
If they pay their taxes and don't cheat the IRS, we think they're heroes.
"The other day I met Ama ncio Ortega."
"Yeah? What was he like?"
"Totally normal."
Sure. Poor people aren't satisfied with being normal.
We have to be smart or nice or charismatic, right?
Nobody says about their friend Marta:
"My friend Marta is totally normal."
If your friend Marta is totally normal,
it means she's boring as shit.
Well?
Well, what?
How's the "Pretty Woman" thing going?
Wonderfully.
Yeah, you look much more refined.
Like Lady Di, Jackie 0, Kendall J...
Yeah, I'm all elegance now.
Oh, by the way, I took the dress
my future ex-husband sent you.
The idiot sends me a dress to wear to the opera.
Like I don't know how to dress. And it was long,
red, like for a wedding
-or New Year's. -No, it wasn't red.
It's this one. It came with a note
that said: "Dress for the art gallery."
And since I'm a monument...
The guy is such a pain.
At least he isn't making you study now.
These are the artists we just saw in the gallery. Learn them in order.
My sister will be invited to come here.
You'll be admiring the beauty of the works of art
and when you casually begin to speak, you'll amaze her with your knowledge.
Sure, don Juan's infallible seduction technique:
An oral exam on art history.
I added a book about Rothko. She loves abstract expressionism.
-Who doesn't? -Of course.
Seriously, I don't get this plan of yours.
You don't have to get it, just follow it.
Okay, let's watch romantic comedies.
More?
We've been watching romantic movies for 3 days.
-None that we've seen works for you? -No.
-You know the part they never show? -What?
That after the first date, she goes home
and he jerks off.
Hugh Grant goes in the bathroom and beats off.
Come on, don't be crude. We're not all monkeys.
What's wrong with it? Why isn't that romantic?
Does him jerking off while thinking about her mean he doesn't deserve her?
I'd feel flattered.
And you think she doesn't masturbate? Sure she does, they both do.
They don't know it, but they're making love from a distance.
But no, they expect us to believe
they both go home to gaze at the stars.
What, nobody wants to fuck Julia Roberts or Hugh Grant?
Well, not the present day Hugh Grant, the one from "Notting Hill."
And the one from "Four Weddings and a Funeral"?
I'd check under that hood too.
If I was heterosexual, of course.
What about Julia Roberts in "My Best Friend's Wedding"?
Under the hood. You?
Oil change and everything.
And in "Erin Brockovich"?
A woman, with power, defying multinationals...
Full oil change and a platinum card. You?
Miniskirt and an environmental activist? Always.
And in "Pretty Woman"?
She's from the hood in that one.
For a second I thought my joke bothered you.
Not at all. I loved it.
I have to go.
Weren't you going to give me one of your protocol classes?
I can't. I'm going to the TED Talks in San Francisco. Renewables are stagnating,
people need inspiration.
And what are you going to do?
Go to Primark to buy panties.
But after the San Francisco thing that sounds a little
-tacky, huh? -Yeah.
Okay.
Luis, put all this on my tab. This bar is like my home, order anything you want.
Luis, Cutty Sark with ginger ale.
Make it three. I'm going to invite two friends.
-Is that okay? -Sure.
Yeah, my cell phone is too old.
I bet yours is a transformer half spaceship, half food processor.
But I think it's crazy to change phones every six months. The planet will end up
being a pile of thrown away furniture.
I totally agree. I always say the same thing.
Programmed obsolescence
is evil...
Steel bird is waiting.
It's not that Yuma doesn't know what an airplane is.
That's the name of the company jet. I named it.
Yuma, if you keep showing up like that, you'll scare me to death.
I don't know if your sister is into necrophilia.
I'll see you in 48 hours.
-Study! -I will.
Alexia, I have an open tab in a super-posh bar.
Be careful.
You start with a few free drinks
and you know how you end up.
How do I end up? A hooker?
Hey, we both know you already are.
But no offense, I'm not judging you.
We've all been through that.
What?
When I was young I went to Ibiza to live it up.
Lots of parties, spending... And in the end,
it's logical.
I had to prostitute myself. High class prostitution.
And that's where I met
Jacqueline. Jacqueline!
Why do you whisper her name?
Jacqueline!
Where's the bathroom?
-Over there. -Great.
No. It's...
Oh. A kleptomaniac. Fine.
Alexia, I have an open tab in a super-posh bar.
I ordered you a drink, but they have
a wine that...
Damn, fuck me!
Sorry.
I think you left a white spot.
I'm so sorry, I'm the worst.
Don't worry about it. It's okay. Look.
You see?
You need to be more of a perfectionist with these things.
That's true.
Aren't you the one from my company's Christmas party?
Yeah. It was good, huh?
Do you want my shirt?
No.
Please. I would feel much better
-if you let me help you. -No, really. I'm sure you love
that shirt. It must have been very hard to find.
On sale.
I need clothes right now.
Yeah, talk to Rosita. One of the white Hermes shirts.
Tell your girlfriend I'm with the Italian consul
and celebrate your anniversary another day.
What?
Some things in life are more important than what?
Look, honey, I hope those things aren't on your desk in your office
because I'm having the security guard get your things
and throw them in the garbage.
The sale begins.
You're going to laugh,
but that shirt...
I didn't buy it on sale.
I bought it in Paris when I was
at the opera.
-What are you doing? -No, what are you doing?
You were going to attack me, huh? The wine was a scam.
Where's the chloroform?
What chloroform? You had wine on your neck.
And I was trying to flirt.
A little.
Well...
Thanks, I guess.
You're welcome.
Hey.
-You're not giving me your number? -What?
To give you back your shirt when it's clean.
Here's my office number.
They'll handle it.
-Yes? -Dry cleaning service.
You're not from the dry cleaners.
True. I'm Isabel, a friend of Daniela's. I brought her shirt.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
Can I give it to her?
She has one of mine.
I'll bring it to you.
Wait here.
Wait here without moving.
Good.
Daniela!
What's up?
Boxer.
Oh, thanks.
Your maid almost wouldn't let me in, can you believe it?
I don't see why not.
Because you gave us this photo and said not to let her in.
Hey, someone looked me up on Facebook.
You just lost your job all by your little self.
Get your things and leave.
I need to start hiring people with their stuff ready to go.
Okay, I should come back some other time.
Come back, why? You have your shirt.
-Leave. -You're making this pretty hard.
Making what hard?
Dealing with you. Talking like a normal person.
I brought you your shirt personally, I washed it and ironed it.
Me, ironing!
You're right.
-Coffee? -Coffee would be great.
Okay, you'll have to make it since Rosita is leaving.
The kitchen is there. I'm going to shower. When you're done,
get your things and leave.
You're still here.
Yeah, I just...
I got distracted by your chessboard.
It's beautiful.
But I never understood the castle thing.
How does that work exactly?
Look it up on the Internet.
Look.
Someone even more annoying than you.
When she gets tired of ringing and leaves, get out.
If you go now, she'll think you're letting her in.
You're kicking me out?
No, I already did, but you don't seem to get it.
Is she a close friend?
A friend. No, a decorator.
The daughter of a shareholder. She insists on redecorating
my house. She drives me nuts just to change a curtain.
Fabric samples, a moodboard...
No.
No, no, no, no.
Shit!
Daniel ita!
Hi.
Hi!
Hi.
I'm Carolina Valle de Tejada.
-How are you? -Great. I'm Isabel.
Isabel Guardians of the Dark Tower.
It's compound.
Daniela asked me to advise the remodeling job.
Are you an interior designer?
No, I'm her friend.
Very close. The typical friend
who says: "Daniela, I don't see it."
And she decides not to remodel.
I trust anything she says.
If you want, I'll show you what we have in mind.
Sure, I'll follow you.
Come on.
And here we have the gym.
What a pretty gym.
-We don't want it. -Oh, no, you're right. Gone.
You've seen Daniela's body.
Well, spectacular.
So what were you thinking of doing?
A sadomasochistic dungeon.
But not just any dungeon. The dungeon.
Yeah, I want something very sordid.
That when you walk in, it shouts "torture.
Maybe the word is "medieval.'
Yeah, exactly. Medieval.
You're right, since the room is completely isolated,
it doesn't need to match the rest of the house. No problem.
Perfect. Look, here we wanted to put
some shackles.
You know what I mean.
And here a whipping area.
Here a swing, a swing is always nice.
And maybe the rack in the middle.
No, the rack not here because I want it next to the drill.
Interesting.
What do you think?
It's possible.
But don't hold back. I want you to contribute,
to be creative. When the dungeon is finished,
I want you to feel like it's yours.
Okay, I'll have to do a little...
research.
Here. Choose a fabric for the whip cabinet.
Okay.
I'll send you a moodboard for inspiration.
No, I know the subject.
Thanks.
-That was actually... -Fun?
Yeah. It was fun.
And that's when you kiss her.
What? No.
How could you let a chance like this get away?
You can't just jump in like that. You have to let these things breathe.
If it were up to you, I'd still be telling her about Rothko paintings.
And who got her phone number?
-You want a medal? -Yes.
You haven't seen her again.
Or called or written. We need to attack.
I'll send her a WhatsApp.
We need to be subtle. She has to see you thought
about her, but not seem desperate.
We need something you have in common and make a random reference, then...
Hey, you can stop mansplaining.
I just wrote her.
"Hey, homegirl?" Three emoticons? You really sent this to my sister?
Sure.
HI!!!
"What a laugh the other day."
Castle emoticon, shield emoticon,
chains emoticon, crying of laughter emoticon.
What do you say?
Send.
She's not answering.
Maybe she hasn't seen it yet.
Sir.
Miss Daniela is coming in.
Shit, you have to hide.
Where?
Where? This place is too transparent.
Of course, you couldn't
-not have a panic room. -Yes, yes, yes.
The shareholder meeting is in 2 weeks
and still no feedback on my viability plan.
Ask the factories you want to close for feedback.
No, I'll ask the people who won't lose their jobs thanks to a smart company plan.
No, why don't you ask...?
Shit.
And, finally, here. I spoke to San Sebastian and we're merging the two factories.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
-Are you writing someone? -No.
You just sent a message, I saw you. Why deny it?
Someone special? Someone you like?
You don't understand how interrogation works.
The one getting tortured doesn't ask the questions!
You're impossible to talk to.
But I didn't say anything.
-Who is it? Do I know him? -We'd better stop here.
We'll finish tomorrow.
Why are you so upset now?
What have you got there?
Me? Nothing.
Isabel...
Everything in this room is important.
What did you take?
What would a bathroom have cost?
What did you talk about? Where's my phone? Did she answer?
Company stuff. I have it and she answered.
What did she say?
Laughter, demon and bat emoticons. Do lesbians talk?
You took too long to answer. She's probably annoyed, we need to act.
-I can call her. -No.
That's a little desperate. Something classy. Like in romantic comedies...
-I'm calling her. -What will you say?
I'll make something up. Something funny.
Hi, Daniela. What's up? Yeah, it's Isabel.
-I wanted to invite you to... -A private gallery for collectors.
To a party.
I know it's short notice, but it's tonight.
She hates parties.
You'd love to. I knew it.
Yeah, it will be cool. Bring friends if you want.
Well, not the interior designer.
It's my birthday. Yeah, thanks. I'm celebrating at...
The Casino, Ritz, Palace...
I'll send you the address, time and everything.
Perfect, that's awesome. Okay, see you later. Bye.
She's coming.
-To a party that doesn't exist? -We'll improvise.
-What will you wear? -Don't start.
-When, where, with who? -At my apartment.
Your apartment?
I'm the best at improvising parties. I invite cool people,
we buy drinks, put on groovy playlists...
It'll be perfect.
This is your party?
Things get going later, when people start drinking...
It still has to get dark.
Everything looks much cooler in the dark.
Cooler. This isn't a party, it's a student drunkfest.
What, you want me to make gin tonics with bonsai leaves?
Do you love music from the 90's?
-What is that? -What?
-Or the 80's? -A Spotify ad?
Now, with Spotify Premium...
Am I hearing a Spotify ad?
Am I hearing a Spotify ad
as background music in the party to seduce my sister?
Okay, the gentleman has Spotify Premium.
The gentleman has Spotify stock, okay?
I have to do everything myself.
Mayte, plan B.
Remember, this is the most amazing party you've ever been to.
Let the conversations flow. You all worship
-the host. -What's up?
Actors, listen up.
Have you warmed up?
One second.
Remember,
this is the party.
You wouldn't trade it to work in a movie
by Almodóvar with the typical slum role you'd get a Goya for.
DJ!
Everyone dance!
Hey, there does seem to be a little more ambiance now.
Can I keep the furniture?
Thanks for wearing the dress. You look great.
You're not going to make a joke?
No.
I don't know what to do.
Should I go?
No, maybe not...
It might be too early.
Stay. We'll close the bar,
drink, smoke,
talk...
Lots of customers like to share a moment with their favorite barman.
Some of them even,
when we get a little tipsy, come with me to Jacqueline's.
We shout her name so she'll know I'm still waiting for her.
Then we have to run away
because the police show up.
But that only happened one time.
Or several.
But not many.
-That's your second. -They're really good.
Don't get too carried away.
We have an organized plan
to impress,
enchant, and finally, with that gift for gab the devil gave you, seduce.
Look.
Maybe I should hang out with her
-for a month and get to know her. -No.
I know this will sound like mansplaining,
but I have an infallible trick to know if a girl is interested or not.
Surprise me.
Act bored and say "Let's go to the kitchen." Since there's a crowd,
you take her hand, to not lose her.
But you intertwine your fingers
like this.
That's how you know if you can kiss her or not.
If she finds an excuse to let go, no chance.
But if she doesn't let go...
That's your trick? It's like a teenager
flirting in an afternoon disco.
What's wrong?
My sister just walked in.
Daniela! How nice!
I'm so glad you came.
Me too.
Nice party, huh?
Yeah. It was going to be small, but you get carried away and...
Let's get a drink. Waiter!
Thanks.
Cheers. To my... birthday.
Let's dance.
-Touch it. -I don't want to.
Touch it with your hand.
No.
-Roberto. -You're leaving?
No, no. We brought the solution for the party.
Ice.
Thanks, but there's plenty. I left you outfits in the bedroom.
Good lord, always obsessed with make-overs...
How's your plan going?
Great, like all my plans. I left Isabel having fun with my sister.
isa is a lot of fun.
Like me. We're identical. Like twin sisters.
But I'm not a dyke.
Right.
Roberto.
What's this on your hand?
Oh, yeah. My phone number.
Bye.
What a party!
I haven't had this much fun since the Feroz Awards.
I haven't had this much fun since the Goyas.
Hey, now. I haven't had this much fun since the Oscars.
Do you want a tour of my place?
Will you start with the sadomasochistic dungeon?
How did you know?
And this is the bedroom area.
Great.
Yeah. This is mine.
-Very nice. -Right? I knew you'd... love it.
I didn't know you like abstract expressionism.
Yeah, I love it.
Rothko, especially Rothko.
Rothko is wonderful.
It moves me.
It moves me. Rothko moves.
-You like impressionism too. -Yeah.
Impressionism impresses me.
Stay back!
I'm fucking sick of this shit.
Fuck this party bulishit.
What's wrong?
The crazy neighbor pepper sprayed Jose.
Always the same. People have to work.
I have to get up at 7 AM to go...
-It's no big deal... -Bullshit!
Look, either you shut this down
-or I go spray crazy. -Calm down.
I am calm!
Drop the spray, please.
I love violence.
We're going to put things into perspective, okay?
This is relatively quiet party
with relatively elegant people. You entered private property
and assaulted someone. If we call the police,
who will get the fine?
-I will. -Exactly. So don't you think it's better
to just leave quietly? And we,
to show our good will, will lower the music. Correct?
Correct.
Very good. Now get your things
and leave.
What clouds your mind tonight?
Isabel and my sister are about to hook up at a party right now.
My plan is working.
And you know the worst part?
I can't stop thinking that when this job is over, I won't see Isabel anymore.
The rhino always goes to the lair of the hedgehog.
I really don't follow.
Let it rest, tomorrow it will make sense.
What have I become, Yuma?
I'm surrounded by women who desire me. No surprise.
And who am I obsessed with? A lesbian. The only one I can't have.
I won't settle for an Amazon princess like last year.
No. It has to be a lesbian.
What about tomorrow? What will I need
to stay in the game? An extraterrestrial?
How far does this escalate, Yuma?
There's an old saying that can illuminate you at times like this.
I'm listening, I'm ready.
One nail drives out another.
Really, Yuma?
That's your advice? To sleep with someone else?
It's 3 in the morning.
I really don't need any ice.
It was just a karate hold.
Just in case.
You're a karate machine.
I studied martial arts for personal defense in Okinawa.
Really?
No.
But I have a personal trainer who says karate is the new yoga. And I've gotten into it.
I wish I knew karate.
I'll teach you anytime.
Daniela!
Isabelita, Isabelita...
You and Ineedtotalk.
Yeah, especially me, right?
And you said: "Should I invite her to brunch or kidnap her?"
Look, I didn't want things to go this far.
But my analysts insist that it's the only way.
And the army taught me that the ends always justify the means,
no matter how ruthless they may be.
Well, they won't be so ruthless.
Anything necessary.
If they were, you wouldn't have tried to make your office
-look like a hideout. -What office?
I see your desk from here.
You have a photo with the Defense Minister.
-And a signed framed Rambo poster? -That's enough!
Listen to me, Isabel.
I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.
We'll see, I refuse a lot of things.
I'm not going to offer you money.
I'm going to offer you
a lot of money.
A pornographic amount.
A check with so many zeros it will look like your school grades.
There's a little problem you haven't thought of.
I'm not much for reading contracts, in general.
When I buy on the Internet and I get "Do you accept the conditions?"
I always scroll down to accept."
But Alexia said: "You'll get conned, it's the first time
you're prostituting yourself, do it right..."
So I read the contract your brother gave me.
And I perfectly remember a very specific clause
that anticipated you offering money. So,
unless you travel to the past and stop me from signing that contract,
my hands are tied.
Never better said.
Well?
Can I go now? Pablo Escobar is kidnapping me at 7:30.
Will you untie me?
Yeah. It'll take a second, it's a sailor's knot.
What are you doing here?
Well, yesterday... When I was leaving...
Good morning. You disappeared last night.
-Staying for breakfast? -No, I have a meeting.
Come on, you're the boss. I'm sure you can be late.
He said he can't.
I have to go. I'll call you later.
What's wrong with you?
Me? Nothing.
-You like Roberto? -What?
You're the one who likes him. You slept with him, right?
No. I asked you if you like him.
-Really like. -How could lit I think he's a fool?
You're the fool when you like someone.
-Isa, you always get like this. -Look.
Dude!
Why didn't you tell me before?
I wouldn't have slept with him, he doesn't do it for me.
You can sleep with him all you want.
-What? -You're not going to admit it?
It's me. Let's sit down and talk it over.
We're not going to talk about a guy right now. I'm too tired.
I got kidnapped, thanks for asking.
Here. I'm going to bed.
With your posh girlfriend or did she find out you're heterosexual?
I didn't know you also did...
What are you doing exactly?
It's a kind of model of my turbine.
Wow, the famous turbine.
Are you going to make it yourself?
I wish, but my brother has the plans.
I'm trying to see how the materials respond with my own hands.
And how did my friend respond with your own hands?
Sorry, but I never talk about what happens
-in my bedroom. -That's right.
You worry more about what happens in your sister's.
Exactly. How did it go?
Badly, how do you think? Badly.
Did you try to kiss her at least?
Of course I did. And she took off running.
I shouldn't have listened to you.
Of course you should.
You should always listen to me.
Let's go over every move from the start.
Okay. I was minding my own business in the bar where I work
when a nutcase showed up to offer me the most bizarre job of all time.
Now my apartment looks like the Prado museum
and I've seen more romantic comedies than a human being can bear.
I don't know what's wrong, but we don't have much time.
This turbine my sister doesn't want
to make is the future. With my turbine,
ships will save so much fuel, polar bears will line their rugs with my photo.
How nice.
The man who saved the planet by using women.
What do you mean, using women?
You're using your sister and you're using me.
-What do you mean? -You heard me.
It's Daniela. She wants to see me.
Hi.
-I'm sorry... -I'm sorry...
You first.
I'm sorry I left the party like that.
But it was my fault.
I shouldn't have come on to you like that.
I screwed up.
No, you didn't.
In fact, I really like being with you.
The thing is, for me Madrid
is a little complicated.
Why don't we take a trip somewhere?
How about spending New Year's together?
Great.
Sure. But come to think of it...
Let me check my cell phone
because I might have a gig planned
and I'd have to ask my agent.
Any idea about where to go?
No, but we have the company jet.
We can improvise.
Sure. I was going to propose BlaBlaCar, but your idea isn't bad.
I'm going to the bathroom.
Daniela wants me to take a vacation with her.
What a plan! Say no more, on her private jet.
Who can stop a pigeon in flight...
This is serious. You should have seen how happy she looked.
I can't keep doing this to her. I'm going to tell her everything.
Good, tell her. She doesn't deserve this.
Besides, somebody likes somebody else and you know it.
What? No, no, no.
Look, I won't tell her. If I do, no more shows or movies.
My unattainable life dream in the trash.
Exactly, don't tell her. It only sucks if she finds out.
If she doesn't, you're just a girl she liked a lot one time.
Think about how much fun we'll have on your show. I'll be your co-host or whatever.
-No. I am going to tell her. -Good.
-No, I won't tell her. -Wrong.
-Think about late night TV. -l don't know what to do.
Damn, you're so indecisive. You're so indecisive
you still have the egg photo on Twitter.
So indecisive you're still using the same photo on Twitter.
So indecisive that when you have an orgasm you go like this:
-"Maybe! Maybe!" -"Perhaps! Perhaps!"
-Come on, guys. -"It's possible!"
"I don't know, I don't know!"
Your sister asked me
to take a trip with her.
Isabel is taking a trip with my sister. Where?
Definitely somewhere romantic.
They'll stroll on the beach, holding hands, gazing at each other,
drink exotic cocktails in coconuts with paper umbrellas.
What's wrong with me?
I'm about to win my bet with my brother.
In less than one week, I'll have enough votes for the turbine. And I don't care.
Help me, Yuma. What should I do?
I'm madly in love with Isabel.
In love?
Yes, Yuma, yes.
In love.
For the first time in my life.
A horse with mud stripes is not a zebra.
That's right, Yuma. Very nice.
Follow the horse to the forest and you find something you have never seen.
Yuma,
I like you a lot, but try to understand...
Isabel isn't a lesbian?
How do you know that?
There are no secrets for those who listen.
Spying on people again, Yuma?
-Daniela. -Yes?
I've known you since you were children.
People would say:
"Don't serve them, they're minors."
But I knew you both needed a father figure.
To me you're the children Jacqueline took from me.
Jacqueline!
You really make me nervous when you do that.
Yeah. What I mean is, I can't take seeing you hurt each other.
I can't just stand around,
accepting your generous tips,
which I spend on Amazon. And on things I don't need.
I know I'm hurting small businesses,
but it just feels so good when I click.
Even better when the package arrives.
-That moment of... -Luis, Luis.
-Click on buy. -Lu is.
You're raving.
Sorry. That girl isn't who you think she is, Daniela.
Roberto hired her to win a bet with your other brother,
the dumb one.
What?
I hate to snitch, but you were getting too involved with her.
I'm very sorry.
No. Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for them.
They're going to regret it.
How pretty. You put on lipstick?
No.
I talked to my agent. I'm free.
Where do you want to take me?
Surprise.
I love surprises.
Right.
-Shall we have a drink? -No.
First I have an errand to run.
Magnificent.
Fernandito,
Fernandito...
You and Ineedtotalk.
Hi, little sis.
Nice try, but it's obvious that
if you wanted to really hurt me, you wouldn't
try to make my office look like a hideout.
The hippie was right, I can see my desk from here.
This little game didn't work.
You're not scary, you're not scary...
What's this fucking bet you made with Roberto?
It wasn't me, he started it.
He asked for my vote. I said no, but then he said
you were easy prey for a gold digger
and less protected than Poland in ‘39.
And why may I ask
did he hire a girl to seduce me?
The bet was if Roberto got someone to seduce you, I would give him my vote.
And if he failed?
-What? -Fernando,
you don't bet without winning something.
Me? What do you mean?
Okay, okay. If Roberto loses,
the army gets his turbine.
The turbine.
What are you doing?
Checking General Patton's date of birth.
Here it is.
Roberto will do anything for his inventions!
Well, maybe before.
What do you mean?
Remember when we were little, you suspected the nanny was stealing your clothes
and asked me to put a camera
in the closet and we got her fired?
-Yeah. -Give that little boy
the spying resources of the Spanish army.
What do you get? Well?
Microphones! I bugged Roberto's house.
Good lord, you have so much free time. So what are you saying with all this?
The professional seducer has seduced two Allende-Salazars. One on each side.
-Really? -Yeah.
Hey!
You're not going to untie me?
Sorry, I don't have time. I'm taking a vacation.
Shit. It's a sailor's knot.
- Roberto? -Alexia.
-Hi. -Hi.
Last night was nice, but...
Well, it was nothing to write home about.
Huh?
Look, Roberto. You're probably not used to hearing this.
You and me, no.
There you go. Bye.
I wanted to talk to Isabel.
Oh, okay. But she just left on a trip for I don't know how long.
Her backpack was tiny, but you know dykes.
A pair of jeans and 4 Hawaiian shirts can last them a month.
You can stop lying. I know she's not a lesbian.
-Well... -Yes, she is a lesbian!
Very lesbian. Okay, bye.
-Bitch. -Slut.
Fat ass!
When people think about a vacation,
they think about the beach. But here we are
in the mountains.
Exactly what I would have chosen.
This is... cool.
Are you allergic?
Me? No.
Well, to grass, pollen,
pine trees... Green stuff.
Give me your cell phone. Come on,
the trip is to disconnect.
Skeet shooting with my phone?
No, silly. We're going hunting.
Hunting?
I love the mountains.
Totally. But hunting...
not really.
Right, you're one of those weird vegetarians.
Weird? No, ovo-lacto vegetarian.
I don't eat meat from birds or mammals.
Eggs and fish, sometimes.
Don't worry. We won't eat them, just kill them.
-You're scaring them off. -Sorry. Yeah, yeah.
Look, look, look.
Go on, it's yours.
Come on!
-What are you waiting for. -You'd better do it.
I'll totally miss.
It's your prey.
Very good.
Now the deer.
The deer?
Roberto, have you won that stupid childish bet with your brother yet?
No.
Well, while you were busy with
that bulishit, I got Al Gore and Di Caprio to join the shareholder meeting on Skype.
Daniela won't believe it. This guarantees
your turbine. Forget about votes.
Okay.
Okay, he says!
-Have you got the phone? -Yeah, here.
Perfect. I programmed a Trojan in binary code to hack the PIN.
All set.
Wow. You're an expensive hacker, but very fast.
Well, it doesn't have a PIN.
ISABEL: I think I'm falling in love with your sister.
I'd like to give this a chance.
So please stop calling me.
May I, Admiral?
Come in.
At your service, Admiral.
This came for you.
All right.
By the way, Officer,
I'd like to thank you personally
for untying me the other day.
Don't mention it.
I'd also like you to know that it wasn't what it looked like.
I mean, I'm not exactly sure what it looked like,
but in any case, it wasn't. It was what it was and nothing else.
Of course.
Good.
But this says...
What does this say?
That you've been transferred
-to Syria, Admiral. -What do you mean, Syria?
Syria!
Don't they mean Soria?
Does Syria have a sea?
I'm much more useful here in an office, right?
-Right? -I'm sure they need your abilities to...
defend democracy in Europe.
Well, I know that. Tell me about it. I know I have many talents.
You think I'd be scared to go to the Middle... Beast?
East! Look, please.
Leave, I have a lot to do.
Yes, sir.
Wouldn't you rather go hunting again?
I suffer from vertigo.
Really? You don't say.
Maybe we should practice first.
How does this work?
You can't practice this. You just have to risk it
and jump.
What if you get killed on the first jump?
That's why it's such an extreme sport.
Because the odds of a deadly accident are very high.
-Oh, right. -Come on, Isabel.
Together we can do anything.
That's why it's so great that we met.
Daniela...
Yes?
There's something I have to tell you.
Don't get shy now. What, that I'm great.
That you're delighted to be here and you're having a...
blast.
No.
Well, yeah. Well, no. I mean...
You are great and I love being here.
But I'm not having a blast.
You don't say.
But that's not what I want to tell you.
Well, then?
Your brother hired me to seduce you.
What, you want me to pay you more?
What? No. I just don't want to keep doing this to you.
It's not right to play with people's lives.
You would never do that to your brothers.
I'm so sorry, Daniela.
Too late.
This should have been much more dramatic.
I thought we were friends, damn it.
I know. I'm so sorry.
Oh, if you're sorry, then fine.
What matters here is that
your conscience is clean.
Daniela, wait!
It's okay.
Daniela.
Wait. Don't leave like this.
Listen to me for a second.
You don't have to forgive me after.
But at least you'll get to see me humiliate myself.
I'm awful for lying to you like I did. Really.
You don't deserve it.
Because you're an awesome person.
Awesome.
I would love it if I liked you.
It would all be much easier if I were into women.
I see those lesbians so empowered
and so free and I say:
"I want that."
But it's not me.
And as a feminist, I feel truly devotion for pussy.
I bring up the subject
all the time on stage. But if you say: "Eat one,"
that weirds me out.
Fine, great. All fixed.
I was rethinking my life while you were disgusted by the thought of being with me.
No, I didn't say disgusted. I said weirded out.
Something can weird you out and later it doesn't.
Like oysters, for example.
You see them and say: "Who was the first lunatic
who said: ‘I'll try that disgusting slime'?".
But actually they're tasty. I wasn't expecting it, but...
Look, Isabel. What gets me is having opened up to you
and trusting you and you betrayed me.
What, did you think I was in love with you?
We've seen each other four times.
No, I know.
Sure.
I liked feeling that I can have fun too.
I want to stop being the uptight bitch everyone is scared of.
Well,
I do think
you're a little scary.
You almost threw me off a cliff.
I wasn't going to let you jump.
But I would have loved seeing you vomit from the vertigo.
I want to be your friend, Daniela.
That's why I couldn't keep this shit up.
/ can't promise I'll make it to the end
if the bet doubles with you.
The coin rolled across your skin
and now I'm the one pulling the thread.
FOR DAN IFLA
I know it can't last.
It's an illusion.
When it stops glowing,
get your things and come with me.
We'll draw the edges with salt,
we'll share the glass of wine.
After dinner the three of us will toast.
The truth is an empty glass.
/ know it can't last.
This is not where I belong.
When you see the sign,
get your things...
Thanks.
Thanks?
You're welcome!
Hi, Mayte. Happy New Year.
-Happy New Year? -Will my brother deign to come to the meeting?
I brought him a gift.
Your brother has left the country.
What?
He left this for you.
What is it, a new tactic to get his way?
Tell him there's no need.
I brought him this.
It's no tactic. He gave you his vote for the shareholder meeting.
Really?
Really.
Give me a hug! Or not.
The human body amazes me.
Especially Ryan Gosling's.
Bravo, Ryan.
No, seriously. Isn't the human body amazing?
Besides Ryan's.
We're a perfect machine, we have an amazing ability to heal ourselves.
I could pick up a knife right now, cut my face right here...
All by myself my body would join the flesh,
the skin and create a scab that would fall off by itself.
We're Terminator 2 without realizing!
But if after a date someone doesn't answer a WhatsApp...
Your body doesn't know how to manage that one.
Your body can't manage a broken heart.
What happened to Terminator 2?
Your body starts doing things that don't help at all. Like cry.
You cry when you get something in your eye to get it out, right? Okay.
Your body is being efficient. But crying while thinking
about your ex?
How does that help?
Is your ex going to come out of your eye? "I want out!
Like a kidney stone. That's not going to happen.
Another sense disrupted when someone dumps you is hearing.
The first thing that happens to me with a broken heart is my taste in music goes to shit.
You don't know me, but I have impeccable taste in music.
Not a crack in my Spotify list.
But when someone dumps me,
you start seeing
Pablo Alborán at the bottom.
I don'twantto hear Iggy Pop. Iggy Pop doesn't help me.
I want to hear "When Love Sets Sail" by Camela.
Hey, that blonde is looking at you.
-It's rude to point. -Okay.
-Is she looking at me? -Yeah.
Poor Danielita Allende-Salazar, a millionaire who can't buy a gaydar.
A what?
I'll tell you later.
-Bravo. Wonderful. -Bravo!
-I loved your monologue. -Thanks.
-It's about your brother. -What brother?
The crazy soldier, give me a break.
Personally, I think uniforms are sexy.
You like my brother?
No.
-No! -No?
Yes.
Okay, get your things
and come with me.
Come on, I have something to show you.
-She really likes him? -Yeah.
Alexia, take over the bar.
She's so bossy, I love it.
You can send the move.
CHECK.
ROBERTO: CHECKMATE! HAHAHA!
I've got it.
I knew he couldn't resist.
I let him win.
Roberto!
Isabel?
I could say you have a thousand different ways to smile
or how tender you sound when you speak a hundred miles an hour.
But actually the only thing I think about when I look at you
is your immense fortune.
Because, after all, I'm just a girl in front of a boy,
asking him for his credit card PIN.
What?
If I'm joking like this about your money,
it's because I'm nervous.
And scared.
Because I can't find the way to say
that I've fallen in love with you.
Yuma, the ayahuasca isn't working.
You said I'd forget and I keep seeing her everywhere.
Absurd fantasies where she says she loves me.
I cant be cured.
Roberto! I'm not a hallucination, it's me.
Your sister brought me.
Isabel, let me.
Roberto!
Daniela! Daniela, little sis.
I shouldn't have played with your life. I only ended up playing with mine.
How's that for karma!
And for what? A turbine.
Turbine.
Roberto, your turbine is wonderful.
We'll be manufacturing it in 3 years.
Ma-n u-fac-tu-ring.
- Roberto... - Roberto.
-Are you okay? -Yes.
I don't care about the turbine or anything else.
I only want to be with Isabel.
But that's impossible because she's "lesbanica."
Her flaming "lesbianation."
Her "lesbianicity."
Isabel isn't a lesbian.
Yuma told me that.
But then she sent me a message saying
she was in love with you. Sure, no wonder.
Only a Allende-Salazar can steal a girl away from another Allende-Salazar.
-I sent that message, you moron. -What?
-You have to find Isabel. -Yes, yes, yes.
What are you going to do?
Find her.
And what will you say?
That I knew it the first time I saw her.
And you know how I knew?
How?
Because when I got home, I jerked off like she said.
There's no need to...
Yes, yes, there is.
But it wasn't sleazy,it was different.
Romantic
With a history.
You imagine all the foreplay.
You touch your pants like this. You start talking to her,
seducing her.
And when you grab her and start banging her,
you don't imagine yourself humping her against the wall and pulling her hair.
Well, yeah.
But only because you know she likes it rough.
How beautiful!
And there's laughter, kissing,
understanding... A whole lot of that.
You want to keep jerking off forever.
I did the same thing.
Roberto, maybe you should go over this speech before you talk to her.
Remember: find
Isabel.
Isabel!
I have to find Isabel to tell her... something besides jerking off.
Huh?
Isabel?
It's Yuma's.
I couldn't resist.
There's something I have to tell you.
Since the first moment...
Don't talk.
Nothing will be better than the jerking off story.
Does anyone here read movie credits?
Do they really expect us to stay another half an hour
to read?
Oh, chief electrician, Isalas Ibáñez.
III write that down. What other movies has he done?
I want to see his filmography.
Seriously, go out for dinner with people, get a life.
If you want to read, grab that book
you've been reading for a year.
"It's by Paulo Coelho." I don't care.
It'll be much more interesting
than reading names of people you don't know.
It's like being in the Prado Museum
seeing a painting by Velázquez
and when you leave,
a security guard comes and says:
"Where are you going?
You're not leaving without reading the credits, are you?
What are you, uncultured7'
And he turns over the painting
and you have to read all the names
of anyone who contributed whatever.
Then there are movies that split the screen in half
and show a funny scene on one side
and the credits on the other.
Nobody's going to read them.
Seriously, where you really need credits is in real life.
Like when you have a date, for example.
When you set foot in the bar where you have your first date,
tons of people have been working
for you in the shadows
and they deserve a little credit. For example:
Makeup: Contouring for beginners on Youlube.
Wardrobe: Zara, for the jacket I bought for the date
which III return tomorrow like I never used it.
And most importantly, casting director:
Tinder.
Where was I going with this?
Oh, right. Everyone leave!
You have Paulo Coelho waiting at home! -OCR by iJiA@PTer