1 00:00:02,253 --> 00:00:04,380 Do we really have to wear these ugly sweaters? 2 00:00:04,463 --> 00:00:07,008 It's just until grandma can see them. 3 00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:08,759 My neck hole is too small. Mine's itchy. 4 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,012 You know what? I'd rather be itchy than chokey. 5 00:00:11,095 --> 00:00:12,555 Come on, Phil. Hurry up. 6 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,265 Okay, here we go. 7 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,933 Connecting. 8 00:00:16,017 --> 00:00:20,771 Come in, Florida. Over. Mom? Dad? 9 00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:23,441 Hello, Philip. 10 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,736 Merry Christmas Eve! 11 00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:28,696 Merry Christmas Eve! 12 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,406 A little— little lower, dad. 13 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,408 Merry Christmas Eve! 14 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,452 Thank you. Get it? 15 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,996 - — Thanks for the sweaters. - I-I— oh, you're welcome. 16 00:00:37,121 --> 00:00:38,974 Thank you. You look beautiful in them, darling. 17 00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:41,876 - Where's mom? - Mom is sinking fast. 18 00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:43,711 Uh—oh. She's in the bathtub. 19 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,004 Get it? 20 00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:47,381 [ Phi/j they have that c/a w—foot. Honey, come on. 21 00:00:47,465 --> 00:00:49,467 Hey, pops, here's the tree. 22 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:54,430 And, uh, there-there's the, uh— There's the ornament you sent us. 23 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,641 - Right here. Right here. - Oh. 24 00:00:56,724 --> 00:01:01,812 There are the stock/figs, hung by the chimney by Claire. 25 00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:05,191 Ah! Still funny, son. 26 00:01:05,316 --> 00:01:06,960 What the hell is that? Still funny. 27 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,861 What is that? That looks like a cigarette burn. 28 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,505 Was one of you smoking a cigarette? What? 29 00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:13,032 - No. - Which one of you was smoking? 30 00:01:13,157 --> 00:01:16,160 Not me. I have a respiratory problem. Obviously it wasn't you. 31 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:19,372 Now I've got a family of liars and smokers. Honey, come here. 32 00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:22,208 You gotta see this. — did you shoplift your Christmas presents too? 33 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:24,418 Phil/p? Haley, keep that ugly sweater on. 34 00:01:24,502 --> 00:01:27,755 Anyway, merry Christmas! 35 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:30,007 , /~ hey, hey, r 36 00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:34,178 ,/' hey, hey hey, hey, r 37 00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:37,515 ,/' hey, hey heyw 38 00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:42,270 no, no, it isn't that kind of a trial. 39 00:01:42,353 --> 00:01:44,355 It's just because he says he's Santa claus. 40 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:47,608 But I've got a feeling he is Santa claus, ll/lother. 41 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:50,573 Some people don't believe that. That's why— are you crying? 42 00:01:50,653 --> 00:01:53,906 What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie. 43 00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:56,951 Manny, miamor, I need you to help me in the kitchen. 44 00:01:57,034 --> 00:02:00,621 We gotta finish this first, Gloria. The kid's never seen ll/I/rao/e on 34th street. 45 00:02:00,705 --> 00:02:03,791 That's because he always spends Christmas in Colombia with my family. 46 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:07,086 And all we see there is Salazar and El 030 save Christmas. 47 00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:08,963 Sounds like a classic. It is. 48 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:11,716 Mom, can we finish the movie? Okay. 49 00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:14,093 He is not like anyone else. 50 00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,178 He must be Santa. 51 00:02:16,262 --> 00:02:18,931 I think perhaps you're right, susie. 52 00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:20,701 What the hell is that? 53 00:02:20,725 --> 00:02:22,202 What the hell is that? 54 00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:24,437 Inocente! What the hell? 55 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,565 When you told me we were going to watch this movie, 56 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,775 I got a joke copy from the Internet. 57 00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:31,777 You are the inocente! 58 00:02:31,861 --> 00:02:35,614 Well, maybe I'm a little confused right now. What is this “inooente” stuff? 59 00:02:35,698 --> 00:02:38,701 In Colombia, practical jokes are a Christmas tradition. 60 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,745 The one that is fooled is the inocente/ 61 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:43,205 we tell practical jokes on April fool's day, 62 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:46,917 so do not do that again. Ay- 63 00:02:47,043 --> 00:02:50,129 “Lnocente. ” 64 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,882 Does it do it again? Ah, it's ruined. 65 00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:54,633 Are you kidding me with this line? 66 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:57,303 I'm gonna ask Santa for the last 45 minutes of my life back. 67 00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,930 Would you cheer up? We're in Santa's village with our daughter. 68 00:03:00,056 --> 00:03:03,517 Where were we a year ago? We were at the beginning of this line. 69 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:06,288 You know what? Somebody needs to get in the holiday—, r god rest ye merry gentlemen, / ♪ 70 00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:08,731 Son of a bitch. ,/' let nothing you dismayj 71 00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:10,959 3 remember Christ our savior j' - maybe it's not them. 72 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:13,235 Oh, it's them. J' was born on Christmas day j“ 73 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,570 j' to save us all 3 it's them. 74 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:15,780 3 from Satan's power3 75 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,865 three years ago, I formed a caroling group. 76 00:03:17,948 --> 00:03:19,867 We were known as the greensleevers. 77 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,869 We would pen'orm at charity events, hospitals... 78 00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:23,746 And they were very, very popular. 79 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:28,209 Uh, last year, one of my carolers... 80 00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:31,587 - Andrew— staged a little coup. - 33 81 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,839 And he, um... 82 00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,639 They kicked Cameron out of the group. 83 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,766 3“ save us all from Satan is po wer, r 84 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:45,768 3 when we were gone astrayj 85 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:50,398 3“ o tidings of comfort and joy comfort and joy 3 86 00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:56,987 3 o tidings of comfort and joy 33 87 00:03:57,113 --> 00:03:58,781 Thank you. 88 00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:01,409 We're the new greensleevers. 89 00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:05,871 The new greensleevers? 90 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,415 Is there a slap Mark on my face? 91 00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:09,583 I mean, why is edna singing the low Harmony? 92 00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:11,585 It's like people are applauding out of shock. 93 00:04:11,669 --> 00:04:12,962 Let it go. Why would... 94 00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:15,005 Okay, next. Ah, finally. 95 00:04:16,549 --> 00:04:19,718 Whoa! I'm— I'm sorry. Can I— could you... 96 00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:21,720 What happened to the other Santa? 97 00:04:21,804 --> 00:04:23,990 Listen, we've been waiting in this line for a really long time, 98 00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,642 and we just want a Santa that actually looks like Santa. 99 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,936 Mitchell, it's okay. No, no, no. Cam, it's not okay. 100 00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:31,706 This is Lily's first Christmas. I want to make sure everything is perfect. 101 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,275 And... we're gonna wait for the fat Santa. 102 00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,444 All right? I knew this would happen. 103 00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:38,487 I—I don't even know why we hired this guy. 104 00:04:38,571 --> 00:04:40,948 See? Even his elves agree with me. Thank you. 105 00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:43,492 I didn't know Christmas made you so petty. 106 00:04:43,576 --> 00:04:45,369 3 we wish you a merry Christmas 3 107 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,413 3 we wish you a merry Christmas 3 - lackluster! 108 00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:50,082 3 we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year3 109 00:04:50,166 --> 00:04:52,084 3 good tidings we bring 33 I hate you! 110 00:04:52,168 --> 00:04:54,962 This is unacceptable, and I want to know who did this. 111 00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,798 - Hmm? - Nobody, huh? 112 00:04:57,882 --> 00:05:00,134 I guess the couch did it to itself. 113 00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:03,637 Guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and then it burned itself. 114 00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:06,348 Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense. 115 00:05:06,432 --> 00:05:08,702 If whoever is respons/b/e doesn't come forward, your father and I... 116 00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:10,566 Are just gonna have to punish all three of you. 117 00:05:10,603 --> 00:05:11,770 What? Yeah. 118 00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,774 - — That's not fair! - I can forgive the smoking, 119 00:05:13,856 --> 00:05:15,316 no. But I can't forgive the lie. 120 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,359 Or the smoking. 121 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:21,697 No one wants to confess, huh? No? 122 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,908 That's fine, 'cause you know what happens next? 123 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,534 We cancel Christmas! 124 00:05:25,618 --> 00:05:28,496 That's not fair. 125 00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,289 Okay, dad, sure. 126 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:33,250 Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids. 127 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:35,920 One time I told Luke... 128 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:40,382 That if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed. 129 00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:44,261 Phil's problem is follow-through. 130 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:51,310 We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of the goldfish bowl. 131 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:53,479 Okay. Guess where I'm headed? 132 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,856 To take down the tree. That's right. 133 00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,541 Come on, guys. This is your last chance. 134 00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,443 Whoever did this, just take responsibility. 135 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:02,947 Don't put the rest of us through this. Luke? No? 136 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:06,575 This is really it. Okay? Here we go. 137 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,913 Three, two, one. 138 00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:14,458 Okay. Good-bye, Dunphy Christmas. 139 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,460 Haley, I guess you're not getting that car. 140 00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:19,713 I was getting a car? — nope. I was lying, because that's what we do now. 141 00:06:19,797 --> 00:06:22,091 Dunphys are liars. 142 00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:32,393 When I was in charge, it was all about the music. 143 00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:35,354 I mean, what's with them tossing out candy canes after every Carol? 144 00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:38,399 It's pandering. I think you made that clear when you tossed them back. 145 00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:40,401 How am I supposed to get all this in the car? 146 00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:42,462 - — Let me give you a hand with that. - Uh, thanks. 147 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,905 Thanks. Thanks, Santa. Can't call me that anymore. 148 00:06:44,989 --> 00:06:47,283 Just got canned. 149 00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:48,867 Oh— really? 150 00:06:48,951 --> 00:06:51,036 Guess a couple people complained I wasn't fat enough. 151 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:54,873 Well, that's terrible. That's what I get for trying not to have a second heart attack. 152 00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:57,543 There you go. Always a way to make room. 153 00:06:57,668 --> 00:07:00,588 Take it from someone who lives in his car. Um... 154 00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:02,548 Oh, well, thank you so much. 155 00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,550 No problem. Merry Christmas. 156 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:07,803 Um, wait, wait. Um, please, uh, let me give you a little something... 157 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,531 For your troubles. No, that's okay. No, no, really... 158 00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:11,449 Gosh. Really? Okay. Do you really live in your car? 159 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:15,894 Yeah. It's not so bad. It's pretty roomy since the wife moved out. 160 00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:19,023 Why don't you come over to our place for dinner tonight? 161 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,734 - — Seriously? - Yeah. It's Christmas Eve. 162 00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,944 Y—you can't spend it in your car. 163 00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:25,946 Wow, that's really nice of you guys. 164 00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:29,241 Listen, can I bring anything? Ketchup, soy sauce, straws? 165 00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:31,243 We're good. 166 00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:33,621 So, uh, why don't you follow us to our house? 167 00:07:33,746 --> 00:07:35,205 Okay. In your house. 168 00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:38,667 All right! 169 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,210 Cameron. What? 170 00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:48,093 Okay tonight, 9:00 sharp, we open one present each. 171 00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:49,762 Pajamas— which we sleep in. 172 00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:52,681 Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a. M., ll/lann y, 173 00:07:52,765 --> 00:07:55,267 on the stairs for the Christmas picture. 174 00:07:55,351 --> 00:07:57,728 Then we open presents. 175 00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:01,065 In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up till morning. 176 00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:04,485 I'm sure that they do, but as you'll notice from the absence of goats in the street, 177 00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:06,070 we are not in Colombia. 178 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,906 Come on! I'm kidding. 179 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,909 Why can't we mix a couple of Colombian traditions in? 180 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:14,453 - Like what? - Like fireworks. 181 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:16,455 Come on. You don't have fireworks in Colombia. 182 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,258 You're trying to make me the inocente again. 183 00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:21,627 No, we do. At night the sky is beautiful— very christmassy. 184 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:25,422 That doesn't make any sense. — look, every country has their own traditions. 185 00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:28,384 In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one... 186 00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:30,844 That brings the gifts, not the Santa claus. 187 00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:35,349 But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? 188 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:37,112 They don't even know where their hands are. 189 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,977 At least a baby can fit through a chimney. 190 00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:42,648 How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it. 191 00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:46,527 Li/lann y, next year we'll talk about some of your little Colombian traditions. 192 00:08:46,610 --> 00:08:49,613 - — Okay? Maybe. - I know what “maybe” means. 193 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,116 It's like you're trying to take away my whole Christmas. 194 00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:56,745 I can't believe it's all gone. Dad never follows through. 195 00:08:56,829 --> 00:08:59,373 Are you sure one of your friends didn't burn the couch? 196 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:03,585 Hey, don't look at me. Only one of us was ever caught playing with matches. 197 00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:07,715 Luke? That was a year ago. Just admit you did it. 198 00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:09,425 - — You admit you did it! - No! 199 00:09:09,508 --> 00:09:11,677 Okay. Look, I have an idea. 200 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,679 Do you remember the movie Spartacus? 201 00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:20,310 Here's what we do: Luke, you tell mom and dad it's your fault. 202 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,479 - — I didn't do it. - It doesn't matter. 203 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:27,443 Because after you confess, Haley and I will each confess to the same thing. 204 00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:29,445 How does that do anything? 205 00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:31,905 They'll be so touched that we're protecting each other... 206 00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:34,366 That they'll have to bring back Christmas. 207 00:09:34,450 --> 00:09:36,368 That's awesome. 208 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,954 How does it work again? 209 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:41,081 We're gonna pass into legend. 210 00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:43,435 - — The parents who canceled Christmas. - I thought you'd be happy. 211 00:09:43,459 --> 00:09:45,294 They'll write songs about us, 212 00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:47,897 make one of those Christmas specials with those ugly little Clay people. 213 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,383 You're the one who always says I shouldn't be such a pushover with the kids. 214 00:09:51,467 --> 00:09:54,928 - — So this is where you decide to make your stand? Really, Phil? - Okay. Okay, look. 215 00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:56,930 Don't worry. We're going to have Christmas. 216 00:09:57,014 --> 00:09:59,767 We've raised our kids right. Whoever did it will come fonnard. 217 00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:02,394 Or the other two will rat 'em out. 218 00:10:02,478 --> 00:10:03,937 Mom, dad. 219 00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:08,400 Hey, Luke. What, uh— What can we do for you? 220 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,280 I did it. 221 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,824 I was playing with matches. I'm sorry. 222 00:10:15,908 --> 00:10:19,286 You, uh— you did the right thing— yeah. 223 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:22,289 By confessing, but, um... 224 00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:25,793 This is bad, buddy. I mean, really bad, okay? 225 00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,629 Claire, you want to handle this? 226 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:31,715 Um, Luke, why didn't you say something? 227 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:33,550 Mmm, I don't know. 228 00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:37,679 Okay, well, your father and I are extremely disappointed in you, so... 229 00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:40,432 Go up to your room. Go on. 230 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,851 Alex! We'll be up to talk to you in a minute. Just go. 231 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,186 What? Haley! 232 00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,188 - — Say something! - About what? 233 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,148 Uh, I take it back! What is going on? 234 00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:51,610 These guys were gonna say they did it too, and you were gonna be proud of all of us. 235 00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:54,214 Why would we do that? I don't know what to believe with this kid. 236 00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:55,948 Liars! I didn't do it! 237 00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:57,825 Well, it wasn't me. Don't look at me. 238 00:10:57,950 --> 00:10:59,993 Seriously? Wait. 239 00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:02,162 Nobody did it again? 240 00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:04,206 No, that's fine. 241 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:07,000 Guess what? Christmas is still canceled. 242 00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:09,002 That's fine by me. 243 00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:11,755 Let's start working on next year. 244 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,091 Hey, and memo to new year's Eve... 245 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,260 And easter... 246 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,428 Watch your back! 247 00:11:18,637 --> 00:11:22,349 So, after / left the marines, I just kinda traveled the world. 248 00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:25,018 Now I go from town to town picking up odd jobs. 249 00:11:25,102 --> 00:11:26,645 Oh. Kinda like the hulk. 250 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:30,148 That's weird. That was my nickname in the corps... 251 00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:33,110 'Cause of my bad temper. 252 00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:37,281 Anyway, thanks for having me over, 253 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,575 having me for dinner, letting me do my laundry. 254 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,870 It's not been a good day. 255 00:11:42,995 --> 00:11:47,541 Lhn, scofl, llhave a confession to make. Yeah? 256 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:50,127 Um, I didn't, uh... 257 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,753 I didn't clean the lint tray, 258 00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,964 so, um, your clothes might be a little pilly. 259 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,216 Oh, no problem. That's the least of my worries. 260 00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:59,261 Thanks for everything. You guys made my day. 261 00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:02,306 - — It's the least we could do. - What do you mean? 262 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:05,392 I don't know... what I was saying. 263 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:13,233 I just say we never tell him. Exactly. 264 00:12:13,317 --> 00:12:16,987 We give him some money, a hot meal, laundry. I think we're square. 265 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,531 Agreed. Okay, how does this thing work? 266 00:12:19,615 --> 00:12:22,495 Yeah, I think you just press that button right there in the middle. Yeah. 267 00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:24,536 Oh, my— okay. That... 268 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:26,246 That seems a little high, doesn't it? 269 00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:29,142 Yes. I'm not putting Lily in that. It's like something astronauts train in. 270 00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:32,377 Ho, ho, ho! It's me! Ho, ho, ho! It's me! 271 00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,421 It's your dad. Yeah. 272 00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:37,466 Hey, dad. Hl ikacgngs. Ikud 273 00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:40,177 I brought your presents. Aren't we seeing you tomorrow, Jay? 274 00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:42,655 These are your Christmas Eve gifts. You know the drill. Oh, yeah. 275 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,848 You open those up before bedtime. They're pajamas. 276 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,768 Still keeping traditions alive, huh? Well, someone has to. 277 00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:52,105 I got two Colombians at home trying to turn Christmas into cinco de Mayo. 278 00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:54,900 You know that's Mexican, right? Ah, burrito, “bur-right-o.” 279 00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,902 Christmas should be Christmas. 280 00:12:56,985 --> 00:13:00,030 Picture on the stairs, hot chocolate, opening the presents. 281 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:03,153 That was supposed to be the good thing about having a kid in the house again. 282 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,744 I can have Christmas the way we used to. Ihearyou, Jay. 283 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:09,039 If I was home right now, I'd be mixin' up a bathtub full of eggnog... 284 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,291 And trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat. 285 00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:13,293 You don't think I miss that? 286 00:13:13,377 --> 00:13:14,711 Do you? 287 00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:19,967 The point is that those are memories that I'll always have, 288 00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:22,594 but now I have the perfect opportunity... 289 00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:24,364 To create new memories with my new family... 290 00:13:24,388 --> 00:13:26,181 That are gonna be just as special someday. 291 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,184 Aw. No. Cam's right, you know. 292 00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:31,019 We create new traditions every year. 293 00:13:31,103 --> 00:13:34,189 So, who's ready to try the swing? 294 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,433 Okay, now remind me. We put this in the oven... 295 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,574 First thing tomorrow 'cause Jay wants to eat at 3:00. 296 00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:48,370 Ay, Manny! Did you put this spider in the fridge? 297 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,497 Oh, yeah. Inocente. 298 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,624 A y, pap/I what's wrong? 299 00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:56,628 I want to have Christmas like they do in Colombia. Jay is messing everything up. 300 00:13:56,712 --> 00:14:02,134 Manny, try to understand. Jay has great memories with his kids when they were young. 301 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,428 And he just wants to recreate them with you. 302 00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:07,761 So, maybe the best gift I could give Jay would be... 303 00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,891 Christmas like he used to have it? 304 00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:12,519 Ay, you're such a beautiful boy! 305 00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,604 One day you're gonna grow up, and I'm gonna miss... 306 00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,815 All the things that you used to do as a little boy. 307 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:20,068 Okay. But if this so-called Santa claus... 308 00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:24,322 Doesn't bring me a burgundy dinnerjacket, we're going to have a big problem. 309 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,326 Honey? Hmm? 310 00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,955 Would it really be so bad to back down? 311 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,916 And have the kids never take any of our threats seriously again? 312 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,960 Yeah. Mmm. 313 00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,424 Or... the kids could realize... 314 00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,760 That we're making a supreme sacrifice... 315 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:47,888 By giving up our power to save their Christmas. 316 00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:51,683 Which would, in a way, be the greatest gift that we could ever give them. 317 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:54,352 And which would paradoxically make them respect us even more. 318 00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:56,396 Okay, forget that. Go back one. 319 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,607 Hey, guys. 320 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:01,109 It— it was me. 321 00:15:01,193 --> 00:15:02,778 What? What? 322 00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:06,656 I found a cigarette at school, 323 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:11,244 and when no one was home, I— I tried it. 324 00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:15,957 And I—I guess I held it too close to the couch. 325 00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:18,168 I'm so sorry. 326 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:22,214 You can take my Christmas away, but don't take it from everyone else. 327 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:24,257 That is very noble of you— Mm-hmm. 328 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:27,385 To care about the family, but you still smoked and lied. 329 00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:29,387 That's really bad. Mmm. 330 00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:31,807 Now help me grab the tree. Phil. 331 00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,851 Phil, Alex, come on back. 332 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:41,191 Starting December 26, you are grounded for a full week, 333 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,193 and that includes new year's Eve. 334 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:45,195 But, I was— yeah, non-negotiable. So... 335 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,446 Li/lmm. Yeah. 336 00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:48,615 Fine. 337 00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:50,700 Everybody! 338 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:54,121 It's official! Christmas is back on! 339 00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:55,789 It is? What happened? 340 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:58,458 Doesn't matter. Stockings, lights, ornaments, wreath! 341 00:15:58,542 --> 00:16:00,544 Go, go, go! Okay. 342 00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:04,339 Well, that sounds like a stressful job to me. 343 00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:06,466 Mmm. Not as much as you'd think. 344 00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:09,821 They always made sure one of us had a blank, so nobody knew who took the fatal shot. 345 00:16:09,845 --> 00:16:12,722 This was mighty tasty. 346 00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:15,600 Well, I don't want to overstay my welcome. You won't have me back. 347 00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:18,228 You guys enjoy the rest of your night. 348 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,230 You're good people. 349 00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:24,734 Scott. Wait, wait. 350 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,445 Don't forget your laundry. 351 00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:29,489 Oh! Thanks. Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks. 352 00:16:29,573 --> 00:16:31,092 - — Merry Christmas. - Scott, merry Christmas to you. 353 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,476 3 we wish you a merry Christmas 3 and happy— son of a bitch. 354 00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:36,329 - What? - Oh. It's the new greensleevers. 355 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,933 They're Cameron's old caroling group. They kicked him out this year. 356 00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:41,793 33 I mean, it is one thing to kick me out of the group, 357 00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,545 but to rub my nose in it! 358 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,590 I'm turning on the sprinklers. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 359 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,758 I know it feels good to get even. 360 00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,760 Believe me. 361 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:53,763 To see the fear in a man's eyes is... 362 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:58,560 But there's something that feels even better. 363 00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,646 33 forgiveness. 364 00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:05,066 Scott, you don't understand. This— this group was my dreamgir/s. 365 00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:06,651 I was effie. 366 00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:10,363 You know what the best thing I did all day was? 367 00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,616 Forgiving you for getting me fired. 368 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:15,911 3 happy new year merry Christmas 33 369 00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:19,122 3 jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way 3 370 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:22,167 3 oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open one-horse open 3 371 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:25,253 3 one—horse open sleigh 3 372 00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:27,255 3 jingle all the way hey w 373 00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:29,507 Andrew. 374 00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,134 Ensemble. 375 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:37,182 Uh, I know it's no accident that you're here on my street tonight. 376 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:39,893 And I... 377 00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:44,356 I just wanted to say to you all that you sound great. 378 00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:47,359 And... merry Christmas. 379 00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:49,110 Wow. 380 00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:51,112 Even your apology is off-key. 381 00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:52,906 Not cool, buddy. 382 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:57,953 Well, I should, uh, probably scoot. 383 00:17:58,036 --> 00:18:00,914 But—but— but what about forgiveness? 384 00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:03,124 You were nice. He was naughty. 385 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,173 Where were you for so long? 386 00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:12,109 Just a little last—minute shopping. Ah. 387 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,052 What's this? Bufiue/os. 388 00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:16,054 Who? What? Cheese fritters. 389 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,181 It's a Colombian traditional Christmas food. 390 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:20,183 Okay, new rule: From now on... 391 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:22,769 We do Colombian things when we're in Colombia. 392 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:25,730 We do American things when we're in america. 393 00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:28,233 That means no more of your food, no more of your music... 394 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:31,069 And espec/a/h/ no more of your crazy holidays! 395 00:18:34,072 --> 00:18:36,783 - — Inocente! - A y, Jay! 396 00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:39,411 What? Did I say it wrong? You two are total inocentes! 397 00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,997 - — You should see the look on your faces. - Aw! 398 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,083 And by the way— you know how hard it is to get fireworks on Christmas Eve? 399 00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:47,502 Go, Manny. Thank you. 400 00:18:52,424 --> 00:18:56,094 All righty. Here's another one for Luke. 401 00:18:56,219 --> 00:18:59,306 Looks like a book. I have a book already. 402 00:18:59,389 --> 00:19:03,018 What is that? Oh, my god. The couch is smoking. 403 00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:05,437 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. 404 00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:09,399 It's sunlight. 405 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,484 It's the ornament. 406 00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:15,280 Cool. It's like a magnifying glass. 407 00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,365 Hey, how weird is that? It's burning a hole... 408 00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:19,951 In the exact same spot that Alex was smoking in. 409 00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:21,578 Oh, Haley. 410 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:24,039 Alex, why'd you take the blame? 411 00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:26,916 I didn't want to lose Christmas. Hmm. 412 00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:29,836 That is so stinking beautiful. Mm-hmm. 413 00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,838 Mm-hmm. Get in here. 414 00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,715 No. Yes. 415 00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:34,841 Oh, no. Yes. 416 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:37,218 Oh, yes! Bearhug! 417 00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:42,682 Wait a— you were going to take Christmas away for something that none of us did? 418 00:19:42,766 --> 00:19:46,978 Well, um, Christmas is about moving fonnard. 419 00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,957 I've never heard that. Actually, honey, you did kinda shoot your mouth off. 420 00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:52,525 You called us all liars. And— yeah, and then... 421 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,129 It's hard to say. I don't know. Let's— yeah, you did, and then... 422 00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:59,407 Let's not all get worked up. I made a mistake! 423 00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:03,995 I made a mistake. And people make mistakes. 424 00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:08,208 And they make up for those mistakes... 425 00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:10,627 Mm-hmm? 426 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:15,382 Taking their family to Italy! 427 00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:16,800 Oh, my god! Yeah! 428 00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:21,304 Can Dylan come? Yeah! Yeah! 429 00:20:23,515 --> 00:20:25,558 Who wants some dark meat? 430 00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:29,270 We talk a lot about tradition this time of year. 431 00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:32,065 But as much as we love our traditions, 432 00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:37,362 somet/mes our best memories come from the times that are the most untraditional. 433 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:39,447 Inocente! 434 00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:44,619 We remember the year mom and dad went crazy. 435 00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:49,207 We remember the year Santa punched out the caroler. 436 00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:56,131 But for me, this was the year that the word “tradition ”... 437 00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:58,216 Got a lot bigger. 438 00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:09,936 3 all is calm 3 439 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:11,062 There's cam. 440 00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,523 3 all is bright3 441 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:20,780 3 sleep in hea ven/y peace 3 442 00:21:20,864 --> 00:21:26,744 3 sleep in heavenly peace 33 443 00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:29,247 Ah, you didn't. 444 00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,916 You got me again. 445 00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:37,797 English - us — psdh