1
00:00:03,421 --> 00:00:05,357
What's the most irritating thing
my parents say to me?

2
00:00:05,381 --> 00:00:08,217
“That's too much Cologne.”

3
00:00:08,301 --> 00:00:10,636
“That's how girls and up dead.”

4
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,638
“Don't talk black to me.”

5
00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:15,808
“It's inappropriate because
she's your teacher.”

6
00:00:15,892 --> 00:00:17,810
How do you even talk black?

7
00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:21,772
End words with “izzle”?
[Alex] It's '7'a/k back, ”you idiot.

8
00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:26,110
“Act more like an adult.”

9
00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:29,405
What does “act more like
an adult” even mean?

10
00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:33,242
[Laughs] Look at you, you're
soaked! That is so lame.

11
00:00:33,326 --> 00:00:35,286
You're the one
who wanted to do it!

12
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,038
What are you two doing?

13
00:00:37,121 --> 00:00:38,801
Oh, I picked up one
of those water weasels.

14
00:00:38,831 --> 00:00:41,792
You hook it on the end of the
hose and it flies around in the air.

15
00:00:41,918 --> 00:00:45,588
Just like a weasel. Yeah. Look
at how awesome. He's so wet.

16
00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,381
I put the weasel in my pants.

17
00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:49,425
He totally did.
[Laughs] [ Alex ] Dork!

18
00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:51,552
Is there a reason why
my window's wet?

19
00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:53,763
Hmm. Very difficult to say.
I don't know.

20
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:56,474
Up top— ow! Ow! What's wrong?

21
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,059
Little— sweetie, you okay?

22
00:00:58,142 --> 00:00:59,560
Little twinge. Yeah.

23
00:00:59,644 --> 00:01:02,146
- I'll call 911.
- Maybe the firemen will come.

24
00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:04,148
- No, no! No, no!
- [Alex] Give me it!

25
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:08,569
The firemen in our town have
a reputation for being not.

26
00:01:08,653 --> 00:01:10,881
Do I resent that? Of course not.
These guys are my friends.

27
00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:12,823
I play basketball with them.
I bake for 'em.

28
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:15,201
My question is: What's hot?

29
00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:17,203
! Jay!
Come on! Let's go! Let's go!

30
00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:20,706
Coming. Manny, it's inappropriate
because it's your teacher.

31
00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:22,710
What's the big deal anyway?
[ Vehicle approaches]

32
00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:25,795
It's a surprise. You'll
see. Oh, my god!

33
00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:28,130
[ Gloria] Ay, Jay,
you didn't? Yes, I did.

34
00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:29,882
I got us into that new benihana.

35
00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:32,885
They got a chef there that can
flip a shrimp into his own hat.

36
00:01:32,969 --> 00:01:34,470
What the hell?

37
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:38,891
Dad! Themflsnu/boy! [Laughs]

38
00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,851
Jay. The hell is he doing here?

39
00:01:40,977 --> 00:01:44,355
No. He was supposed to pick up Manny yesterday
and disappointed him again, as usual.

40
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:47,608
Now he just sails in here
out of the blue?

41
00:01:47,692 --> 00:01:50,903
I don't like the guy.
Do I have reasons? Yeah.

42
00:01:50,987 --> 00:01:53,114
Good reasons? Yeah.

43
00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:56,951
How many reasons do I need?
None. I don't like the guy.

44
00:01:57,994 --> 00:01:59,954
[Ll/[an], /~ hey, hey, r

45
00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:04,125
,/' hey, hey hey, heyj

46
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:07,211
,/' hey, hey heyw

47
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:12,133
so I would have called, but while
I was buying this boat for a friend,

48
00:02:12,216 --> 00:02:16,220
- — I got chased out to sea by another boat y “tiqui tiqui”.
- Were they pirates?

49
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:18,431
I didn't stop to ask.
Well, it's not hard to tell.

50
00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:21,559
Did they have curvy swords and sing
songs about how fun it is to be a pirate?

51
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:25,146
[ Laughing ] Wow. Jay.
Such a beautiful house, huh?

52
00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:27,148
So, we were just
headed out to dinner.

53
00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:30,860
What, you think I show up
empty—handed? I brought dinner— lobsters!

54
00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:33,446
No. Did you catch them
with your bare hands?

55
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:37,366
- — But I bought them with my bare hands.
- Wow!

56
00:02:37,450 --> 00:02:39,827
And I have some nice wine,
a good Cuban cigar for Jay.

57
00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:43,205
Hey, why don't you take a picture of him
with your new camera phone.

58
00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:46,292
- — I don't have a camera phone.
- You do now.

59
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:50,421
Awesome! All of this
excitement, my heart is just going.

60
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:54,133
Now, listen to me. You bring that with
you when you come visit me this summer.

61
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:57,595
We 7! Go in a race car with my
friend, and after that, maybe a bu/ifight.

62
00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:01,599
I know all these guys.
The matadors, they're like artists.

63
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,362
You're quite the bullfight
artist yourself.

64
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:06,771
I, uh— Manny, why don't you
show your father to the kitchen?

65
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,106
Por favor. Dios mio.
Someone put on some music.

66
00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:11,359
- — Tonight, we dance!
- Oh, we're gonna dance.

67
00:03:11,442 --> 00:03:14,403
Oye, mi amor, ¢esta bien
que me quede aqui esta noche?

68
00:03:14,487 --> 00:03:16,715
A y, Javier; Yo no se. Espe'rate
para ver que' puedo hacer.

69
00:03:16,739 --> 00:03:19,492
What did he say? Does he
need money for the lobsters?

70
00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:21,494
Jay, be nice. “Be nice.”

71
00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:24,297
I could be sitting grill—side,
watching a guy build an onion volcano.

72
00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:29,168
Instead, I got rico suave in my kitchen,
and I got a stolen boat in my driveway.

73
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,337
If it was for me,
he'd be out of my life.

74
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,714
But it's good for Manny
to be with his father.

75
00:03:33,798 --> 00:03:36,759
I just can't believe
you ever fell for that act.

76
00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:40,012
Colombians can be
very persuasive.

77
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:44,392
They can make you agree to things before you
even know it. You must have been pretty naive.

78
00:03:44,517 --> 00:03:47,978
Yeah. But now I'm with
the right man, okay? Right.

79
00:03:48,104 --> 00:03:51,565
Javier is only going to
stay one night. Good.

80
00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,150
Wait, what?

81
00:03:55,194 --> 00:03:58,531
[ TV, ind/19117701]
[ Sniffling ]

82
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:01,534
Don't be mad. I just got
up to change her. [ Sniffles ]

83
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,870
Well, Mitchell really wanted
to ferberize the baby.

84
00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:08,749
Ferberize. It is a method of getting
the baby to sleep through the night...

85
00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:12,128
By, yes, basically letting her
cry herself to sleep.

86
00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:15,256
Torture. It's not torture, cam.

87
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:19,635
It's just hard if you happen to be a person
who hates to hear another person suffer.

88
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,887
[ Sobbing ]
[ Lily crying on monitor]

89
00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:24,140
[Mitchell] Or two people suffer.

90
00:04:26,142 --> 00:04:27,977
[Wailing] [Crying continues]

91
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:31,373
No, no. You got up to comfort her, which
only teaches her that every time she cries,

92
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,834
her daddy will come in and cuddle her
and put on her favorite...

93
00:04:33,858 --> 00:04:36,277
[ Chainsaw whirring ]
What are we watching?

94
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,905
Brian de palma's controversial
masterpiece scarface.

95
00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:42,283
[ Machine gun fire]
For the baby?

96
00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:45,619
She happens to like it. I don't
know if it's the colors or the sounds...

97
00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,431
Oh, here comes the nightclub
massacre. She loves it.

98
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,832
Watch her little eyelids.
It's so cute. They get so heavy.

99
00:04:51,417 --> 00:04:53,294
[Phil] Oh, that's bad.

100
00:04:53,419 --> 00:04:55,796
Oh, honey. I'm
fine. No, I'm fine.

101
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,965
I'm just— okay, that's cancer.

102
00:04:58,090 --> 00:05:00,801
Maybe it's just a kidney
stone. “Just,” Claire?

103
00:05:00,885 --> 00:05:03,512
- — What's going on, guys?
- It's nothing. Go back to bed.

104
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,514
No, but dad— don't touch me.

105
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,933
I bet it's just a kidney
stone. “Just” again.

106
00:05:08,017 --> 00:05:09,685
Someone get your mom
a glass of water...

107
00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:12,730
And a piece of gravel from the
driveway and see how she likes it.

108
00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:15,691
Why is everybody yelling?
Something's wrong with dad.

109
00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:17,443
Don't frighten him. Come here.

110
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:20,154
Oh, that's gotta be death!
Death is coming!

111
00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:22,031
Okay, you need to go
to the hospital. Yeah.

112
00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:24,992
No, no, no. I just need a pill. Give
me the biggest one you can find.

113
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:27,328
Honey, breathe.
Just—just breathe.

114
00:05:27,411 --> 00:05:31,582
That's what I told you when you were in
labor and you threw my smoothie at me. Pill!

115
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,709
- — Okay, I'm calling.
- No, no, it's fine!

116
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:36,378
It's actually— it's fine.
It's passing. It's passing.

117
00:05:36,462 --> 00:05:38,899
I am sorry to alarm everyone. I
think I was probably just overreacting,

118
00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:40,403
because there's an alien
inside of me!

119
00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:41,926
[ Haley] Oh, my god.

120
00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:43,945
[ Phil] Oh, close it down.
I am definitely gonna call.

121
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,889
All systems down.
All systems down.

122
00:05:50,059 --> 00:05:51,894
[ Billiard balls clacking ]

123
00:05:53,938 --> 00:05:55,856
Son of a bitch.
What's the matter?

124
00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:58,067
He's playing on my pool table,
that's what.

125
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,819
Probably got himself a nice
drink too. Where you going, Jay?

126
00:06:00,945 --> 00:06:03,155
Just to check things
out, okay? Come on.

127
00:06:03,239 --> 00:06:05,991
You hear that? Now he's messing
around with my remote control.

128
00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:09,787
You can't hear that from here!
[ Clicks tongue ]

129
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:14,667
Hey, there. Hey, Jay. Listen,
I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?

130
00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,211
No. No, I'm a light sleeper.

131
00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:20,256
That's what happens when
you get older. Oh, you're not old.

132
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,300
I didn't say I was old. I
never sleep much anyway.

133
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:26,804
Life is just more
interesting after 2:00 am.

134
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:30,432
You know, the liquor tastes better,
the, uh, women are more beautiful.

135
00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:34,562
What is it they say? That the night
belongs to the poets and the madmen.

136
00:06:34,645 --> 00:06:36,272
[ Both chuckling ]

137
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,899
Which are you? Perhaps both.

138
00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:40,985
And I think maybe you too, huh?

139
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,696
I see a picture over here
of you on a motorcycle.

140
00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:45,864
Yourwe? Iusedto.

141
00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:48,534
Used to? Used to?

142
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:52,871
Jay, the saddest words in
any language, my friend. Yeah.

143
00:06:52,955 --> 00:06:56,792
Hey, help me out here. Everybody
sees you as this great guy.

144
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,003
You know, you live
this life of adventure.

145
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:02,006
How come I don't
buy a word of it?

146
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,383
All I see is a dad
who doesn't show up.

147
00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:06,385
Hey, Manny knows me.
I live in the now.

148
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:09,763
Well, I was living in the yesterday when
Manny was crying outside that door...

149
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:12,099
'Cause you didn't show up
for the 10th time.

150
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:17,146
And when I don't come, you think, uh— what,
I'm just off chasing a good time, hmm?

151
00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:20,608
You ever think it might be hard
for me, coming here?

152
00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:22,818
Why? Because of Gloria?

153
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,196
Because of you.

154
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,577
[ Lily crying on monitor]

155
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,788
[Wailing]

156
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:36,373
[ Li/litche/I] Cam!

157
00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:40,628
[ Phone beeps]
Okay, they're on their way.

158
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:46,342
Okay, kids, gather around. Like you're
hugging me, but don't touch me, okay?

159
00:07:46,425 --> 00:07:49,261
Now look, I'm gonna be fine.

160
00:07:49,345 --> 00:07:52,723
- We know, dad. — we don't know
that. It's a miracle I'm standing up.

161
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:57,353
But look, in case anything
happens— [groans, exhales]

162
00:07:57,436 --> 00:08:00,898
I want you to know that if I'd had
time, I would have fixed that step.

163
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,524
Thanks, dad. I love you.

164
00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:06,612
[ Crying ] Don't
cry, Luke. I'm okay.

165
00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,614
I broke the coffee table!

166
00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:10,407
That's okay. What?

167
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:14,078
I broke the glass coffee table.
The one you swore you didn't break,

168
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,497
and then we blamed Esperanza
and fired her...

169
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:20,125
And she stole a Turkey at Thanksgiving
for her family and got deported?

170
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:21,585
Yeah. Damn it!

171
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:24,004
I'm sorry. [ Groaning
I you will be sorry!

172
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:26,173
[Doorbell r/ngs ] [
Haley] They're here!

173
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:27,841
Really? Okay...

174
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:30,469
[ Exhales ] Did you hear that?

175
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:32,763
Hmm. Luke broke the...

176
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:36,058
- — Hey, you changed your clothes.
- Well, I had—I had to get dressed.

177
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:39,853
Into that sexy, clingy—
Oh, my god. It's the firemen.

178
00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,897
No, sweetie. And lipstick!

179
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:44,942
I'm out here convulsing in agony and
you're looking for cute tops to wear?

180
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,985
I just threw on the first
thing I could find.

181
00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:50,406
We got a minute, if you wanna try
on some tighter jeans— [ Groans ]

182
00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,282
Oh, Phil, sweetie. Oh, no.

183
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,427
By all means, Claire, we
want you looking your sexiest...

184
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,495
When the hunky,
gay firemen get here!

185
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,122
How we doing? We're great.

186
00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,708
- — He meant me! Ohh!
- All right.

187
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,252
[ Crying ]

188
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,586
[ Li/litche/I] Cameron!

189
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:10,592
No, listen, Jay. You're a tough guy
to compete with. Look at all you have.

190
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:13,804
So Manny has to suffer?
No. You're right.

191
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,014
Look, I'm going to try harder.

192
00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:18,559
But maybe it's a good thing
that he has the two of us.

193
00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:20,269
From you, he learns stabil/ty

194
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:24,523
from me, he learns how to be
spontaneous, grab life by the throat.

195
00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:27,526
Well, we do a little throat grabbing
ourselves around here, you know.

196
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,987
We were on our way to benihana
when you showed up.

197
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,989
Hey, as long as my boy
follows his passion.

198
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:37,202
The worst career decision I ever made was
playing baseball, but I loved every minute of it.

199
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,246
You played baseball? [ Scotfs ]

200
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,248
I lived baseball.

201
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:45,878
I only made it to triple-a, but I played
with all those guys— sosa, mcgwire.

202
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,213
You look like you played
some. I played in high school

203
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:52,342
I was all right.
Never hit a curve ball.

204
00:09:52,468 --> 00:09:55,179
So that's a dream of yours?
To— to hit a curve? Used to be.

205
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:59,433
“Used to be.” ugh. Por
favor. I said that again, right?

206
00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:01,369
Hey, please. Come on.
You're right, I shouldn't say that.

207
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:04,646
What are you guys doing? —
Manny, did we wake you up? I'm sorry.

208
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:07,149
No. I was doing
my science extra credit.

209
00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:10,027
- — Of course you were.
- So, can I play?

210
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,446
That's up to your dad.

211
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,782
Actually, I think we're done
with pool for right now.

212
00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:18,535
I have a better idea
for the three of us. I/amos.

213
00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:23,916
So, how do you know this
guy? He owes me a little favor.

214
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,503
[ Circuit breakers thump]

215
00:10:29,213 --> 00:10:31,924
This is the coolest night ever!

216
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:36,011
Now, let's see about
that curve ball.

217
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:39,598
[ Crying ]

218
00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:41,600
Out. I thought you were...

219
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:44,645
Those were pillows.
Come on. Come on.

220
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:48,690
[Groaning] Cameron, do you
realize how infuriating this is?

221
00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:50,442
The whole point
of ferberizing...

222
00:10:50,526 --> 00:10:53,362
Is to teach her to put herself to
sleep, and you keep ruining it.

223
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,823
I can't help it.
I'm like a mother bear.

224
00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:58,784
When I hear my cub crying,
I have to run to her.

225
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:01,829
Except you're not a bear.
Get in our room.

226
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:04,581
Get— cam, get in there.
Get in there.

227
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,416
Cut it out.
All the way— our room.

228
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,293
Get! Get in there.

229
00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:10,254
Come on. Come on.
Get in there. Get!

230
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,256
[Siren wailing in distance]

231
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,424
That's so unfair. Why not?

232
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:16,176
Because that's how girls
end up dead.

233
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,637
- Hey, honey.
- Hey, guys.

234
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,265
We just wanted to see how
you're doing. Is this a bad time?

235
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,785
No, we're just giving him something
to relax before the procedure.

236
00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:25,394
Which is gonna go just fine.

237
00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:27,396
- Oh, we know.
- We don't know.

238
00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:31,149
In case it doesn't, promise me you'll
be nice to your new fireman daddy.

239
00:11:31,233 --> 00:11:34,319
Unbelievable. — my wife got
dressed up for the firemen last night.

240
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:38,323
I didn't get dressed up for the
firemen. Those heels were really hot.

241
00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:40,534
- — You put on heels?
- Let's drop it.

242
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,536
What are they doing to you, dad?

243
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:47,499
I have a little scratchy rock inside of me and
they're sliding in a tube and sucking it out.

244
00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:49,209
You're not scared, are you?

245
00:11:49,293 --> 00:11:52,129
When was the last time
you saw your old man scared?

246
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,131
When you walked through
the spidenneb.

247
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:57,068
When we were playing with the ouija
board and the wind blew the door shut.

248
00:11:57,092 --> 00:12:00,971
There was no wind, buddy.
We brought something fon'h.

249
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:04,308
Oh. This stuff's
really hitting me.

250
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,476
My insides feel like velvet.

251
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,729
Why don't you guys wait
out in the hallway, okay?

252
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,731
Feel better, dad. I will.

253
00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:12,649
- — Love you, dad.
- Love you.

254
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:16,570
- — [Ha/eijove you.
- Luke, buddy, hold back a sec.

255
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:19,281
This is not gonna happen, okay,

256
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:21,843
but there is a scenario where
you could be the man of the house...

257
00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,970
And you need to know all
the pin numbers and passwords.

258
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:26,246
747— I don't wanna be
the man of the house.

259
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:29,458
Now, don't talk black to me.
Honey, your dad's gonna be fine.

260
00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:32,336
Why don't you wait out in the hall.
He'll be fine, okay?

261
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:35,881
Honey, I'm just gonna run them
to school. I'll be back right after.

262
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:38,884
Okay. Claire? Yeah.

263
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,011
You did get dressed up,
didn't you?

264
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:46,475
I pulled on the first thing I
saw, okay? Okay, I'll drop it,

265
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:49,853
'cause this stuff
is making me fall asleep.

266
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:54,775
And if I never wake up, I'd hate for the
last thing you ever said to me to be a lie.

267
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:10,415
[Whispering ] I might have
gotten dressed up just a tiny bit.

268
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,967
- I knew it.
- Oh, damn it!

269
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,949
[ Gloria ] Ll/lann y, we 're
gonna be late for school.

270
00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:28,517
Why are you so tired today?

271
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,230
Any reason I can't take him?

272
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,483
I'm surprised you're up. I know
what time you went back to bed.

273
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:39,444
Oh, it was nothing. We just
went out, we hit a few balls.

274
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:42,906
And you'll never guess where. I guess
Javier knew a guy. And you know what?

275
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:46,910
Now that he knows you, the next time
he needs something, you are the guy.

276
00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:51,164
Ay, dios mio.
Did you took him with you?

277
00:13:51,248 --> 00:13:53,333
You couldn't wait to get
to school to do that?

278
00:13:53,417 --> 00:13:57,087
Manny, vamonos para El co/egio. Let's
go. We're gonna be so late. I/a'monos.

279
00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:01,174
Vamos a I/egar tardis/mo, ll/lann y,
gqué te pasa? Get in the car.

280
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:04,136
I thought you said you
wanted me to bond with Javier.

281
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:09,349
I said be nice, Jay. I didn't say take
Manny up all night and play games.

282
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:12,185
Then we got hot dogs.
Ay, go to sleep!

283
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,605
If / wanted to be married to a wild
man, / would have stayed with Javier.

284
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,566
[ Horn hon/ring ]

285
00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:19,317
Aha! G oue' pasa?

286
00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:20,902
- Dad!
- [ Gloria ] Por dios, no.

287
00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:22,487
! Jay! What the hell?

288
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:25,073
[Laughs]

289
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:28,368
Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. You're
not leaving, are you? I've got school.

290
00:14:28,452 --> 00:14:31,079
- — What? School?
- Yes, school.

291
00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,975
That's where people go to learn things,
like not to keep children up all night.

292
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,668
- — He told her?
- He's weak.

293
00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:40,231
Well, listen, you said you used to like riding
motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.

294
00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:43,258
- I know. But I kind of got work—
- [ Scoffs ] Work.

295
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:44,968
- — Go, Jay.
- Yeah, go.

296
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:48,055
Yes, go, Jay, and take
ll/lann y with you too!

297
00:14:48,138 --> 00:14:50,057
Okay. No, Manuel Alberto!

298
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,726
In the car
or I put you in the trunk!

299
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,770
Jay, I'm not
gonna argue anymore.

300
00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:57,647
I'm not gonna say anything else.
Do whatever you want.

301
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,359
But I don't wanna hear you any
more saying that Colombians are crazy,

302
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:03,487
'cause you're the one
that is acting crazy,

303
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,073
even though he's the one
that is making you act crazy.

304
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:08,492
So I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about! Manny!

305
00:15:09,618 --> 00:15:12,621
[ Lily crying on monitor]

306
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,084
You didn't need to come
home during nap time.

307
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:20,087
Mmm. Think we proved
last night that I did.

308
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:23,423
Well, she's back there now, so why
don't you go, so you don't get in trouble.

309
00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:26,051
That's okay. I told everyone
that I have an unreliable partner,

310
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,762
and, uh, they understood.

311
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:31,389
You know what? I don't need to
sit here and be condescended to.

312
00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:35,102
I'm gonna make myself an
ice tea. I will bring you down.

313
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:38,438
- — You can't bring me down.
- I'll sweep your legs.

314
00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:41,817
[ Crying continues] There's
something wrong with you...

315
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,620
That the sound of our child in such
distress doesn't bother you more.

316
00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:48,698
She's not in distress, and this just proves
that you need this more than she does.

317
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,700
I'm ferberizing two babies.

318
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,384
Raccoons slipped into the lawsons'
home and stole a loaf of bread.

319
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:57,100
- — Your point?
- That we left Lily's window open a crack,

320
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,185
and those raccoons need something
to put between that bread,

321
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:00,728
and that is Lily's “help
me” cry. [ Wailing]

322
00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:02,754
I'm coming for you, Lily.
No, you're not.

323
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:06,133
You are not coming, Cameron.
Let me go! Hey, stop it!

324
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,468
Let go! Get off me!
What are you doing?

325
00:16:08,552 --> 00:16:10,470
Stop! I will not stop.

326
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:13,265
Stop being such a baby.
I'm coming for you!

327
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:16,184
Ow! Ow! Oh. Ow!

328
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,228
What? Oh, my ankle.

329
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,355
My ankle. [Wailing]

330
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:25,193
[Footsteps approaching]
[Door opens, closes]

331
00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:29,906
My! I guess you didn't kill yourself
in the motorcycle today.

332
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,884
Well, I figured you were
looking foward to killing me,

333
00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,535
so I'm not gonna
take that away from you.

334
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,162
[ Chuckles ]

335
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:37,747
Hey, did Javier call you?
No, why?

336
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:40,143
He's dragging me to this bar
with some of his old baseball pals.

337
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,169
He was supposed to
be here at 5:00.

338
00:16:42,294 --> 00:16:44,171
Ah, he's dragging you, huh?
Yeah.

339
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:46,590
I figured it would be okay.
I've seen half these guys play.

340
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,259
Javier says it's cool.

341
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:52,220
What? What's the joke? Nothing.

342
00:16:52,304 --> 00:16:53,972
It's just funny to me...

343
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:57,392
That you make fun of me because I
was seduced by him, but here you are...

344
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,436
No one is getting seduced.

345
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,479
I'm doing this for Manny.

346
00:17:01,605 --> 00:17:06,443
Yeah, it's very important for Manny that you
two go and have a nice picnic in the mountains.

347
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,546
First of all, it wasn't a
picnic. We stopped for coffee.

348
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:11,114
They just happened to be
selling crepes.

349
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:13,742
Listen. Let me know
when he calls, all right?

350
00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:16,036
Geez, it's almost 6:00.

351
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,622
[ Snickers ]

352
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,683
[ Claire ] The kids are so
excited for you to come home.

353
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,376
Oh, me too.
Yeah, Luke made you a sign.

354
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:27,964
Oh, he's a sweetie.
Yeah. You seem great.

355
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:30,175
I am great. Good.

356
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:31,843
Except for that fireman thing.

357
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,845
You remember it? Mm-hmm.

358
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:37,474
Yeah, okay. Look, I am
sorry. I'm so sorry. Ah, no.

359
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,476
There's no excuse for it.

360
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:43,188
I think I just spend so much time
in dowdy mom clothes,

361
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,815
and I'm covered in paste
and peanut butter,

362
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:50,737
and I just— I wanted to feel attractive
for a second, you know?

363
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,739
I'm sorry. I really...

364
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:56,201
Honey, I just need
a little bit of time.

365
00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:58,745
Gonna be fine. Okay.

366
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,789
Yeah. Okay.

367
00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:02,749
I was already fine with it.

368
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:05,126
Here's the deal: Claire
messed up. She owed me.

369
00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:07,963
This never happens.

370
00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:10,382
Old Phil has a golden ticket.

371
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:13,551
Now, / could ha ve cashed that in
right away for something small...

372
00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:16,221
Get out of cleaning the garage,
a week at circus camp.

373
00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:18,390
Still fresh. Yeah.

374
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:23,144
But the longer you hold on to it,
the more the guilt builds,

375
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,063
the more you get.

376
00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,608
Five years: Trip to Paris
with my buddies.

377
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:32,737
Ten years:
Sweet little convertible.

378
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,739
Twenty years:

379
00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:38,952
Hello, fully articulating,
five-function robot...

380
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:43,290
That can read my mind
and has feelings.

381
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:47,085
Phil, you're not leaving without
saying good-bye, are you?

382
00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:48,586
Hey, Elaine.

383
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:50,130
Is this your husband? Uh-huh.

384
00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:52,757
- — Good—bye, Paris.
- I'm visiting my sister...

385
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,969
And he was entertaining us all afternoon
with his card tricks. [Claire] Oh.

386
00:18:56,052 --> 00:18:59,723
- — Is that Phil?
- Hey. [Chuckling]

387
00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,601
Hey, mom, Phil's leaving.

388
00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:07,230
- — Without a hug?
- [Chuckles] Wow.

389
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:09,733
Good-b ye, fully articulating,

390
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:13,278
five—function robot
with the ability to— good-bye.

391
00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:15,030
Brittany, hurry, honey.
Phil's leaving.

392
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,156
[ Wheelchair jostles ] Ow.

393
00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:17,741
You're fine.

394
00:19:20,577 --> 00:19:23,371
- — How's your ankle?
- It's cold.

395
00:19:23,455 --> 00:19:27,334
- — I'm sorry I hurt you.
- No. No, don't be. I...

396
00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:30,003
I could have just
as easily hurt you.

397
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:32,339
Well, it's cute
that you think that.

398
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:37,010
Listen, cam, I— I can't
always be the bad cop here.

399
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:42,140
I—I know it's my issue, but she can't
grow up with one huggy, happy, cuddly dad..

400
00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:45,810
And one frowny,
lesson-teachy dad.

401
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:49,981
Because guess which one she is
gonna ask to walk her down the aisle.

402
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,487
Uh— y— okay, you know what?

403
00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,697
I can be the bad cop sometimes.

404
00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:00,742
I'll always make her eat
her vegetables.

405
00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:03,203
- — Okay. Dentist.
- Deal.

406
00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:06,164
Good. — as long as you
make her practice her violin.

407
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:08,750
Oh, yeah. The violin.
I like that.

408
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:12,212
- And we're both walking her down the aisle.
- [ Winces ]

409
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,172
Assuming you can walk by then.

410
00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:16,549
Ow! Do you need to go
to the hospital for that?

411
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:19,427
No, god. No, no.
It's not that bad.

412
00:20:19,511 --> 00:20:21,888
Oh, you meant call 911,
didn't you?

413
00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:23,014
[ Together] Firemen.

414
00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:25,475
Yeah, you call, and I'm
gonna change my shirt.

415
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:29,312
So, if / 'm supposed to
act like an adult,

416
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:32,440
is that act //ke adults
lsee in the world...

417
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:36,528
- — [ Both shouting ]
- Or the adults in my family?

418
00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:39,488
[Shutter clicks]

419
00:20:39,531 --> 00:20:43,410
'Cause if it's the ones
in my family...

420
00:20:43,535 --> 00:20:46,871
Come on. Let's go. All right.

421
00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:49,374
Then...

422
00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:51,835
How hard could that be?

423
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:54,170
[ Screams ]

424
00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:01,177
Doing the card tricks at the hospital
really got me fired up about my magic again.

425
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:04,681
[ Blows ] Is this your card?

426
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:07,434
Yes. Oh, my gosh.

427
00:21:07,517 --> 00:21:09,144
It's— it's not, is it?

428
00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:11,312
[ Clears throat]
No, uh, no. It's not.

429
00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:15,316
The hardest part is when people forget their
card, because then I look like the idiot.

430
00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:17,485
All right. Let's do it again.
We really have to go.

431
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:21,239
You think I like this? I'm sorry.
Here. I'm gonna teach you one, okay?

432
00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:23,242
On the count of three,
just grab this. You ready?

433
00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:25,243
Put your hand out. Okay.

434
00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:27,787
One, two, three. There it is.

435
00:21:27,871 --> 00:21:29,539
No. What was that? Wow.

436
00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:31,499
[ Li/I/tche/lj thank you.

437
00:21:31,583 --> 00:21:33,585
[ Phil] Are you kidding me?

438
00:21:36,379 --> 00:21:37,380
English - us — psdh