1 00:00:02,211 --> 00:00:04,672 Hey, honey, Hugh Grant has 3— I'm in. 2 00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:07,925 Okay, well, Alex has a cello lesson at 11:00... 3 00:00:08,009 --> 00:00:09,927 And junior congress at noon. 4 00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:12,013 Doesn't she also have no boys at forever? 5 00:00:12,096 --> 00:00:14,473 Don't you have an eating disorder you need to attend to? 6 00:00:14,557 --> 00:00:18,352 Yeah, anyway, uh, we could see the 4:00 or the 6:20. 7 00:00:18,436 --> 00:00:21,081 Oh, actually, that's no good. I'm meeting my friend Denise for a drink. 8 00:00:21,105 --> 00:00:24,025 Denise? Do I know Denise? Yeah. You know, my old girlfriend. 9 00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:27,069 0/7, my god. Gross. I can 7 even picture you with a woman. 10 00:00:27,153 --> 00:00:29,697 - — Thank you. - You had a girlfriend before mom? 11 00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:31,699 Try two. 12 00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:33,534 Trust me. I had plenty of fun in my time. 13 00:00:33,618 --> 00:00:35,077 And then I met your mom. 14 00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:36,787 And thank you. 15 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:42,543 So I guess she travels around selling makeup for a cosmetics company. 16 00:00:42,627 --> 00:00:45,880 - — She's in town for a week. - She's like a door-to—door salesman? 17 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:49,717 If you were doing it, they'd call it a dork-to-dork salesman. 18 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:53,304 0/7! M y be y strikes ilke a rattlesnake! 19 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,682 Oh, yeah? W—well, you... 20 00:00:56,766 --> 00:00:58,851 Wow. All right, well, we can see the mo vie tomorrow. 21 00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,853 Come on. It's time for your lesson. 22 00:01:00,937 --> 00:01:04,523 You mean her second lesson, because she just got schooled. 23 00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:10,363 What's wrong with me today? Shake it off, champ. It's not your day. 24 00:01:10,446 --> 00:01:12,365 [Manny] Hey. 25 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:16,118 Ay, good morning, papi. Is it? 26 00:01:16,202 --> 00:01:19,038 Ay, you're still sad because of that audition. 27 00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:21,624 That part was mine. I was born to play tevye. 28 00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:23,459 Instead they give it to rod Jackson? 29 00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,461 What does he know from suffering? 30 00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:27,463 - How we doing? - A little better. 31 00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,966 But we're gonna go and throw ice cream at the problem. 32 00:01:30,049 --> 00:01:33,010 Well, if that doesn't work, this should do the trick. 33 00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:35,471 ”What o'oesn't kill us makes us stronger. ” 34 00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:38,909 We can hang this in your room. You can see it every morning, start to internalize it. 35 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:41,328 - — Pretty soon nothing will keep you down. - But it's not true. 36 00:01:41,352 --> 00:01:44,456 What are you talking about? — lots of stuff that doesn't kill you makes you weaker. 37 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,440 M y friend's grandfather had a heart attack 38 00:01:46,524 --> 00:01:48,192 now he needs a machine to breathe. 39 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,111 I've seen him— At the supermarket. 40 00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:53,197 Now he needs to drive one of those little, like— [ Imitates engine] 41 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:57,326 - That's right. Be negative. - It's just not a good poster, Jay. 42 00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:59,412 You're only making me stronger. 43 00:02:00,413 --> 00:02:02,331 [Ii/[an], /~ hey, heyj 44 00:02:02,415 --> 00:02:06,460 ,/' hey, hey hey, heyj 45 00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:09,547 ,/' hey, hey heyw 46 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:14,844 did you pack the bread for the ducks? Yes. 47 00:02:14,927 --> 00:02:16,967 Not the whole—wheat kind. The ducks don't like that. 48 00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:18,532 They're ducks, Mitchell. They don't care. 49 00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:21,642 We both believe that animals should play a big part in Lily's life. 50 00:02:21,726 --> 00:02:24,145 Having grown up on a farm, I was surrounded by them. 51 00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:27,356 They were more like brothers and sisters than just, you know, livestock 52 00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:30,192 delicious brothers and sisters. 53 00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:32,445 Life on a farm— they know what they're getting into. 54 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:34,613 Eesh. 55 00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:37,116 [ Cell phone ringing ] Oh, wait. 56 00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:39,118 Oh, it's the office. Don't answer it. 57 00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:41,787 I have to. It's like this every Saturday. Just ignore it. 58 00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:44,582 Well, maybe it's not that this time. Hello? 59 00:02:46,751 --> 00:02:48,919 [ Groans ] Yeah. 60 00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:51,255 [Jay clears throat ] 61 00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:57,762 That's nice. 62 00:03:01,599 --> 00:03:05,227 Holy— Shel? You all right, buddy? 63 00:03:05,311 --> 00:03:08,105 Oh, hell. 64 00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,316 [ Cameron ] Oh, there's four of 'em, Mitchell. 65 00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:12,377 They're giving her little duck kisses. [ Quacking ] 66 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,588 Oh, she is laughing. I can't belie ve you're missing this. 67 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,572 Well, why not, cam? I've missed everything else. 68 00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:18,657 She rolled over when I was in Phoenix. 69 00:03:18,741 --> 00:03:20,701 She started scooting when I was in court. 70 00:03:20,785 --> 00:03:24,330 Well, just tell 'em you're not coming in. You do enough for 'em. 71 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:27,750 Well, you know that. I know that. You know? 72 00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:31,420 The only one who doesn't know that is my sucky boss. 73 00:03:31,504 --> 00:03:34,215 He's the suckiest suck of all time. 74 00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:37,510 He's a miserable son of a bitch who... 75 00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:41,013 May have heard everything I just said. 76 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,522 Hi, honey. Hey. 77 00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:51,291 When are you getting together with your gal pal? 78 00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:53,960 Actually, I was just checking on that. She's supposed to send me a message. 79 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,362 Oh, you're Facebook friends. 80 00:03:56,445 --> 00:04:00,408 Sure am. She's one of my 447 friends. 81 00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:02,493 Everybody wants a slice. 82 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,554 How long have you two been in touch with each other? 83 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,622 Uh, she tracked me down about a year ago. 84 00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:09,041 Mmm. Mmm. 85 00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:10,626 What? What's— what's that sound? 86 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,420 Mmm. Nothing. [ Computer beeps ] 87 00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:15,714 Oh. Here she is right now. [ Clears throat] 88 00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:20,010 “How about we meet at le reve at 7:30?” 89 00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,054 Thatsounds innocent enough— I mean... 90 00:04:22,138 --> 00:04:25,641 Drinks with an ex-girlfriend at an intimate French restaurant. 91 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:28,286 Honey, you're doing that thing where you say what I want you to say... 92 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:29,937 But your tone seems mean. 93 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:33,399 I et me guess. Denise isn't married. 94 00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:35,776 Recently divorced. What's the big deal? 95 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:38,487 Come on, Phil. You can't be that naive. 96 00:04:38,571 --> 00:04:42,366 Seriously, women in their 303 on the Internet are like— they're like ninjas. 97 00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:45,595 They get into their little black outfits and try and sneak their way into your marriage. 98 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,079 That's not Denise. Mmm. 99 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,998 Here. Read some of her messages. [Chuckling] 100 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,917 You're gonna feel silly. Okay. 101 00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:56,005 [Breathy] “Hey, Phil. How's it going?” you can't add the sexy voice. 102 00:04:56,130 --> 00:05:00,134 “Hi, Phil. How's it going?” “so glad to hear your neck is better.” 103 00:05:00,259 --> 00:05:03,512 Are you seriously jealous? No, I am not jealous at all. 104 00:05:03,596 --> 00:05:07,475 I just happen to know women better than you do, and that woman wants a slice. 105 00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:11,145 Okay. Just to prove how wrong you are, I'm gonna invite her over here for drinks. 106 00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:14,023 [I typing] Fine with me. Just hope it's fine with Denise. 107 00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:17,651 [ Breathy] “Gee, Phil, I really had my heart set on le reve.” 108 00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:19,737 That voice doesn't bother me. 109 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,739 Kind of like it! 110 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,741 [ Cameron ] Has he been acting weird around you? 111 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,701 No, no. I've been avoiding him all morning. 112 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:29,163 So you don't even know if he heard you. That's why we're doing this. 113 00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:31,916 And where are you? I only have a half hour for lunch. 114 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:36,086 - — Hello, handsome. - So this is where it happened. 115 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:39,882 Just turn off the phone, roll down the window and we'll see if you can hear me. 116 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,384 [Beeps] [Horn honking ] 117 00:05:42,468 --> 00:05:45,638 Go around! We're re-creating a faux pas! 118 00:05:45,763 --> 00:05:49,391 Thank you. Okay. Can you hear me now? 119 00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:51,661 Yeah, but just barely. Is this how loud you were talking? 120 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,354 It might have been a little bit louder. 121 00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:55,356 There was traffic. I almost had to shout. 122 00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:56,791 - — You almost had to what? - Shout. 123 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,275 - — Little bit louder now. - Shout. 124 00:05:58,359 --> 00:05:59,860 - — Little bit louder now. - Shout! 125 00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:01,904 .R hey, hey, hey, hey .i 126 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:05,032 really, cam? M y job is at stake here, and... 127 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:07,576 Oh, who are we kidding? You can obviously hear me. 128 00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:10,329 I am so screwed. [ Sighs ] 129 00:06:11,455 --> 00:06:14,041 Manny? Ll/lann y, come here a second, pal. 130 00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:16,377 - Huh? - I got some bad news, buddy. 131 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:19,797 What is it? Well, there's no easy way to say this. 132 00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:24,677 - — Shel turtlestein is dead. - What? How? 133 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:28,013 I was down here reading the paper, and I heard this commotion up in your room. 134 00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:31,600 So— so naturally, I go running up there. 135 00:06:31,684 --> 00:06:34,687 And this mang y raccoon had busted through your screen. 136 00:06:34,770 --> 00:06:36,855 He must have scampered up to where shel was. 137 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:40,734 By the time / walked in, he had... 138 00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:42,921 The little bastard had him by the neck and shaking him. 139 00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:45,781 Gravel was flying everywhere. 140 00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:48,617 He didn't even flinch. He just stared at me with that smug look... 141 00:06:48,701 --> 00:06:50,619 And then bolted. 142 00:06:50,703 --> 00:06:52,705 If only I'd have got here earlier. 143 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:56,166 May I see the body? 144 00:06:56,292 --> 00:06:59,169 Baby, are you sure that's a good idea? It's something I have to do. 145 00:07:02,006 --> 00:07:04,174 That's him. Sorry, pal. 146 00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:07,052 It just doesn't make any sense. Yep. Only the good die young. 147 00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:10,472 But in school, we learn raccoons are nocturnal. They sleep during the day. 148 00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:13,142 They sure do, and this one must've got up for a midnight snack. 149 00:07:13,225 --> 00:07:14,727 You know, we've all done that. 150 00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:16,270 I guess so. Yeah. 151 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:17,855 It all adds up. 152 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:21,358 I don't think I can be in here right now. Too many memories. 153 00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:23,902 He'll be okay. 154 00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,655 You lie. What? 155 00:07:26,739 --> 00:07:30,367 I'm Colombian. I know a fake crime scene when I see one. 156 00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:34,705 I was hanging up the new poster and it fell on top of him. 157 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,665 It was an accident. You have to tell him. 158 00:07:36,749 --> 00:07:38,667 No. I've been through this before. 159 00:07:38,751 --> 00:07:41,295 When Mitchell was nine, I was supposed to take care of his bird. 160 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:45,299 It got out and flew into a fan. It was like a bloody pillow fight. 161 00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:47,760 My god. How many pets have you killed? Just the two. 162 00:07:47,843 --> 00:07:49,803 I took the heat on the bird. It was a big mistake. 163 00:07:49,887 --> 00:07:51,889 To this day, Mitchell looks at me, 164 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,933 I see him thinking, “that's the guy who killed fliza minnelli.” 165 00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,977 And what if he finds out? Then what? 166 00:07:57,061 --> 00:07:59,647 You'll be the guy that killed his pet and lied to him. 167 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:02,650 He's not gonna find out because I covered my tracks. 168 00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,902 Okay. 169 00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,112 Fliza minnelli? 170 00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:09,865 How did I not know that kid was gay? 171 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,619 Hey, Luke. 172 00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,496 Big day for you, huh? Why? 173 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:18,332 - — Because you will get to meet your real mom. - What? 174 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:21,502 [ Scoffs ] We all made a pact we'd deny it until you turned 21. 175 00:08:21,585 --> 00:08:25,673 But that's the real reason dad's old girlfriend's coming over. 176 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:29,385 She's your mom, and if she likes you, you'll go live with her. 177 00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:32,388 I'm not adopted. I'm asking mom. 178 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:35,974 You mean Mrs. Dunphy? She's not going to tell you the truth. 179 00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:37,643 I—I'm not... 180 00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,937 I know. [Whimpers] 181 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:47,528 Just 'cause he called you a dork-to—dork salesman? 182 00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:49,571 The empire strikes back. 183 00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,824 Raccoons have five toes. 184 00:08:51,949 --> 00:08:54,535 What's that? I don't mean to bother you. 185 00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:58,414 It's just confusing. The footprints in my room only have four toes. 186 00:08:58,497 --> 00:09:00,833 You know, I bet I know what happened. 187 00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:03,877 I'll bet he lost those toes in a fight. 188 00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:06,422 And that guy looked like he'd been in a brawl or two. 189 00:09:06,505 --> 00:09:08,966 - — One toe from each foot? - Maybe. 190 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,552 You know, ll/lann y, I think the only thing... 191 00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:14,471 That's gonna get you to stop asking all these questions... 192 00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:16,473 Is for you to have a little closure. 193 00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:19,727 - — What do you mean? - Well, I'd like to throw a little memorial for shel. 194 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:22,688 It'll be good for all of us. That way we get our grief out, 195 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:28,026 and then we never have to talk about this ever, ever again. 196 00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:32,030 [Doorbell r/ngs ] 197 00:09:33,115 --> 00:09:35,451 Hi. Oh, careful. There's a thing. 198 00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,494 [Squealing] Yeah. Good to see you. 199 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,455 Hi! 200 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,623 Hi! Oh, my god. Hi. I'm Claire. 201 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,625 You must be— oh. Yeah. Hi. 202 00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,669 Denise. Well— okay. 203 00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:48,964 You're even prettier than the pictures that Phil's always posting. 204 00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,966 - — Just a couple. - Oh? 205 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,385 Shut up. Every week. He loves showing you off. 206 00:09:53,469 --> 00:09:56,764 And my boyfriend likes your acapulco pictures, probably a little too much. 207 00:09:56,889 --> 00:09:59,391 [ Chuckles ] Well, thank your boyfriend for me. 208 00:09:59,475 --> 00:10:00,934 Come on in, please. 209 00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:05,022 Oh, I brought you, um, some lifting intensifier. 210 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:08,901 Not that you need it. It's a limited edition, so— - thank you. Thank you. 211 00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:11,278 Oh, Denise, I think you might know these people. 212 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:12,821 Uh, that's haley— hi. 213 00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:15,657 - — Alex and— - Luke. Oh! 214 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:18,702 I had curly hairjust like that when I was little. 215 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:22,080 So? That doesn't mean anything. 216 00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:24,917 [ Whimpering ] 217 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,462 Why don't we, uh, come on in, have a seat. Please. 218 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,547 So what was my dad like in high school? 219 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,342 Only the most amazing break-dancer ever. 220 00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:36,470 [Ha/eyjno way. Oh, don't fire it up. What? What? 221 00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,096 Oh, no. Yeah. 222 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:40,516 He had a boom box and a piece of cardboard in his locker. 223 00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:42,643 And what was your dance name? O-zone. Yeah. 224 00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,645 I drove him to his star search audition. 225 00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:47,523 - — Which is totally political, by the way. - [Haley] O—zone. 226 00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:51,360 - That is dead—ass funny. I'm so calling you that. - Thank you. 227 00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,654 Wow. You really lucked out. 228 00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:56,240 You have a beautiful wife, a gorgeous house. Oh. 229 00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:59,117 And those kids— I could take Luke home with me. 230 00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:01,078 We", be my guest. 231 00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:03,580 Seriously, you go right ahead. [ Laughing] 232 00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:06,542 No! I like it here! 233 00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:09,253 [Whimpers ] 234 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,896 Alex, honey, will you go find out what's wrong with your brother? 235 00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:13,841 Okay. 236 00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:17,511 You know, um, if it's okay, I think I'm just gonna use the, um... 237 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:19,513 Oh, yeah. Of course. Down the hall. 238 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:22,015 Left—hand side. Youcantnflssn. Thanks. 239 00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:26,937 Yes? Okay, she's fantastic. 240 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,816 Yes. I feel awful. When did I become this horribly cynical person... 241 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,860 Who assumes the worst about people? 242 00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:35,487 I first noticed it seven years— You're not. 243 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:38,365 [Denise] Such an idiot. Is it... 244 00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:41,034 Oh, I'll show you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Thanks. 245 00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:46,331 [ Clears throat] So how are we gonna do this? 246 00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:48,500 I thought I'd just point at the door. 247 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:51,503 So I was thinking— I was thinking too. 248 00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:55,382 Here... is my hotel room key. 249 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,801 You can come by whenever you want. 250 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,639 [ Door closes ] 251 00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:10,188 That was funny this morning, huh... 252 00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:12,232 When I pulled up next to you at that stoplight? 253 00:12:12,316 --> 00:12:15,277 - Funny? — yeah. Because I was on the phone with my partner... 254 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,946 Talking about how horrible his boss was— his. 255 00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:19,948 And then you pull up. So... 256 00:12:20,032 --> 00:12:21,700 Anyway, I'm glad I ran into you. 257 00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,803 I'm getting worried they're gonna move up our court date. 258 00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:26,139 - — I need you to bust ass preparing. - [ Cell phone rings] 259 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,932 'Cause if they call us on monday— [ringing continues] 260 00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:29,666 Uh, you need to get that? 261 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:32,502 No. It's fine. It's just a... 262 00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:34,564 Picture of my daughter standing for the first time. 263 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:38,008 Yeah, they do that. It's a big day. Anyway, I need you here tomorrow. 264 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:41,887 I know it's a Sunday, but, uh, you think you can be on time, okay? 265 00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:46,725 Actually, um, I have plans tomorrow, 266 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,852 uh, so / won't be here. 267 00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:54,858 I—I have plans to stay at home with my family and do absolutely nothing. Okay. 268 00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:57,361 But I will see you on Monday. Mm-hmm. 269 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,446 So, you're in charge now, is that it? 270 00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:02,491 Well, I just figure if my daughter can stand up, then so can I. 271 00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:07,162 All right, look. We've all been working hard lately, okay? 272 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:11,208 But that's the job. So either come in tomorrow or don't bother coming back again. 273 00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:15,545 Okay. 274 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,302 [Laughs] Hnun. 275 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:29,351 Need the, uh, ID. To— uh-huh. 276 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,395 Make the elevator go down to freedom... 277 00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:34,731 And this to complete my set. 278 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:43,448 7'UN'le, reptile, pet. 279 00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:46,493 Shel turtlestein was many things. 280 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:49,496 [ Exhales ] I don't think I can do this without crying. 281 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,540 Maybe we should just get to the cold cuts. 282 00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:53,542 Well, we wanna hear it. 283 00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:59,089 Jay, why don't you read it? You were with him at the end. Remember? 284 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:09,349 “Shel turtlestein was many things, but above all, he was my friend. 285 00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:13,353 “When / didn't get a date with Fiona gunderson, shel was there. 286 00:14:13,437 --> 00:14:17,024 “When I didn't get to play the part of tevye, shel was there. 287 00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:21,570 “And when a raccoon broke into my room, unfortunately, shel was there. 288 00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:23,572 “/ said a lot of things to my friend, 289 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:27,117 but the one thing lne ver got to say was good-b ye. ” 290 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,661 Stop. I know what really happened. 291 00:14:29,745 --> 00:14:32,122 - — You do? - I left a bag of chips near my bed. 292 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:36,543 The raccoon must have smelled it. It's my fault he's dead. 293 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,046 [Tearfully] Sorry, shel. 294 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:42,382 Jay, you don't have anything to say to Manny? 295 00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:45,802 [ Exhales ] Yeah. 296 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:48,805 Manny. 297 00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:55,228 Shel forgives you. 298 00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:57,272 Thank you. 299 00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:01,777 Oh, Denise. [ Chuckles ] 300 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,362 These pictures are amazing. Thank you. 301 00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,990 Wow. Sweetie, that perm. 302 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,326 Technically, that's a jheri curl. [ Claire] Oh. 303 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,621 I just love to take pictures. I took this one of myself today. 304 00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:15,540 [ Exhales ] Oh. 305 00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:18,251 You know what? I'm gonna open a bottle of wine. 306 00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:20,712 No. No. That's the worst idea. Come on. You'll love it. 307 00:15:20,796 --> 00:15:23,298 No, no. I'm not in the mood. 308 00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,383 What am I, raised by a pack of wolves? 309 00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:27,177 [Laughs] Hey. Come on now. 310 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,262 Honey. 311 00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:31,515 You weren't completely wrong about Denise. 312 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,141 - — How's that? - She wants me. 313 00:15:33,225 --> 00:15:36,269 - — To do what? - It. Her. 314 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:39,606 Oh. Oh, this is because of the thing I said about Facebook... 315 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,889 And everybody's hooking up, and now you're disappointed. 316 00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:45,403 No. She bit the air right in front of me. Like that. 317 00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:47,405 And then look what she tried to give me. 318 00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:49,449 [Denise ] Anything I can help with? No. 319 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:53,245 I can't find my corkscrew. [Denise] Oh. 320 00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:57,249 [Whispers] Touch me. Okay. Denise, somewhere along the line you got the wrong idea. 321 00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:59,167 My head is full of wrong ideas. 322 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:03,130 Youhavesuch great taste, Claire. Thank you. 323 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:06,091 I remember Phil used to have really good taste too. 324 00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,093 Let me get a little of this. Oh, here it is. 325 00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:10,404 Phil, would you mind grabbing us a couple glasses? You betcha. 326 00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:12,556 Need me to grab anything? No! 327 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:15,183 - Okay, this is so wrong. - I know. 328 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,495 It's way more exciting when she's in the room, isn't it? No. 329 00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:20,230 Isfihhavernycheeneaderoufim sodol. 330 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:23,191 But this still can't happen. When did that break? 331 00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:26,444 - — Why are you wussing out? - I never wussed in. 332 00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:28,530 What about all those things you wrote on Facebook? 333 00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:30,949 [ Breathy] “How was your day? My neck is so sore.” 334 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:33,912 Why do people keep adding voices to these things? I didn't mean anything. 335 00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:37,247 Are you telling me that I wasted a year of my life on this relationship? 336 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,041 - What relationship? - How many other women have you led on? 337 00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:42,752 - Now I don't know! - [ Claire] Phil? 338 00:16:45,589 --> 00:16:48,842 [Phh, honey. /I? Unnh37] 339 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:52,012 Do you remember when you broke your arm when we were first dating? 340 00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:54,014 Yeah, uh, when I slipped on the ice. 341 00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:56,266 Right. That's so weird. Because in this picture, 342 00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:59,227 you're sitting with Denise and you have a broken arm, so... 343 00:16:59,311 --> 00:17:01,313 Yeah, that's— that's weird. 344 00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:04,441 - — So you were still dating her when you started dating me? - No. 345 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,234 - — Phil? - Yeah. Maybe. 346 00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:08,236 There was a time, a little overlap... 347 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,381 When, uh, I was trying to break things off with Denise. 348 00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:12,324 Uh—huh. You took me to Santa fe. 349 00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:16,036 Santa fe? Phil, you told me that was your father. 350 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,705 Okay, I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old. 351 00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:22,542 You know, this was a mistake. I'm gonna leave. 352 00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:25,337 Claire, if I were you, I would kick him out. 353 00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:28,882 Maybe he'd appreciate you more after he spent a lonely night in a hotel. 354 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,259 At the radisson, by the airport. 355 00:17:31,343 --> 00:17:33,720 [Door opens, closes ] 356 00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:36,223 You quit? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It was amazing. 357 00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,933 No, no. This is the new me, cam. 358 00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:40,644 I am not letting people run my life anymore. 359 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,188 I should be nervous, but I'm not. I'm excited for you. 360 00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,565 Yes! It's exciting! It's exciting. 361 00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:48,610 Because you followed your heart, and that is worth celebrating. 362 00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,570 Cam, I just feel— [laughs] 363 00:17:50,654 --> 00:17:53,698 So liberated. 364 00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:56,534 - Hey. - And I'm not picking it up. 365 00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:58,787 - Ooh! I like this guy. - I do too. 366 00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:01,081 Yes, we'll have to cut back a little bit. 367 00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:04,310 But isn't it worth it if you feel like you're living your life for the first time? 368 00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:06,211 Totally. What were we even waiting for? 369 00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,213 You will go back to teaching music, 370 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,840 and then I'll just find something in a... few months. 371 00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,426 And until then, all we need to do is just sit back... 372 00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:16,513 And watch this little miracle here dazzle us. 373 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:19,015 I'm tingling. I am too. 374 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:22,102 It's like my heart is full for the first time in forever. 375 00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:25,063 Oh, god, it's really pounding. [ Patting back ] 376 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,316 It's like I feel the weight of endless possibilities just sitting on my chest... 377 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,753 - — She is not doing anything, cam. - You're not panicking, are you? 378 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,256 Of course I am panicking. No. Don't panic. If you panic, I panic! 379 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:37,200 I just quit my job. Cam! My god. Mitchell, I am used to nice things. 380 00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,911 What are we gonna do? Okay. No, no. Just calm down. 381 00:18:39,995 --> 00:18:43,331 This is what we're gonna do. I am going to— I'm gonna do what I'm trained to do. 382 00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:46,084 I am going to lie, grovel, debase myself until I get what I want. 383 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,627 I am a lawyer, damn it. 384 00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:51,298 Mitchell! No. 385 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:52,882 Oh, no, you're right. The tie. 386 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:55,010 No. We'll find something better for you, 387 00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,012 something that works for all of us. 388 00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,264 There's no plan “b” here, cam. 389 00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:03,560 We have a mortgage. We have— We have a child to support. 390 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,687 Hey, it's gonna be okay. 391 00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,856 We're gonna figure it out. 392 00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:10,608 I just want you to be happy, and you will be happy. 393 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:14,279 And that is something worth toasting. 394 00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:19,533 Let's just drink the cheap stuff, 'cause we might have to sell that bottle. 395 00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:26,041 - — [Jay groans ] - It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies. 396 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:29,502 Isn't it, Jay? Kids get over these things pretty quick. 397 00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:31,713 He's probably sleeping like a baby right now. 398 00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:34,924 I'm sure he's wide awake, full of guilt. 399 00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:37,010 Well, I'm going to sleep. 400 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:46,311 [Jay sighs] 401 00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,396 Damn it! 402 00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:54,819 Hello, Jay. 403 00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:57,864 - — What are you doing up? - Waiting. 404 00:19:57,947 --> 00:20:01,993 - Waiting for what? - The truth. It wasn't a raccoon, was it? 405 00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:05,205 Oh, all right. You got me. I killed shel. 406 00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:07,582 All right? I'm sorry. It was an accident. 407 00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:11,461 Why didn't you just tell me? — because I didn't want you to be upset with me. 408 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,047 You and I got off to a rocky start. 409 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,965 Lately, it's been pretty good. 410 00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:19,761 I was afraid I'd mess all that up if you knew that I was the one that killed your pet. 411 00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:22,639 Now you're the guy who killed my pet and made a stupid lie about it. 412 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,934 Well, I don't think it was stupid. I thought it was pretty clever. 413 00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:29,187 I was just trying to avoid past mistakes. 414 00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,606 Look. 415 00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:35,735 I know I can't make things all better right now, but maybe over time. 416 00:20:35,819 --> 00:20:38,196 Maybe. 417 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:39,948 Get some rest. 418 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:42,409 Since we're confessing things, 419 00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:44,452 you know that scratch on your car? 420 00:20:44,536 --> 00:20:46,329 The one that can't be buffed out? Yeah? 421 00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:49,374 - — You should probably know how it happened. - I know how it happened. 422 00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,544 Raccoon did it. 423 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,339 Good night, Jay. Good night, kid. 424 00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:02,679 Best thing I ever did was quit a miserable job and start my own business. 425 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:04,973 - Thanks, dad. - No, it's not gonna be easy. 426 00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:08,476 That's why Gloria and I wanna give you a little something to help you through it. 427 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,813 - — No, dad, I can't. - No. I want to, Mitch. 428 00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:15,316 Okay, but as soon as I'm back on my feet, I really want to... 429 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,528 Oh. Oh, dad. No. You... 430 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:21,489 You tried to give me this 20 years ago when my pet snake died. 431 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,324 I did? Yes. 432 00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:26,161 Zsa zsa gaboa? Oh, that's adorable. 433 00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:28,705 And you really didn't know that he was gay? 434 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,790 I must've, right? 435 00:21:36,754 --> 00:21:37,755 English - us — psdh