1
00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:04,589
Today Sam Riley
kicked a soccer ball...

2
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,758
And it hit another kid so hard
his eye popped out.

3
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:09,260
Awesome!

4
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,220
Really? Ms 6 ye popped out.

5
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,782
Never mind. [ Phfl] Well, gotta hit
the sack. 19/9 Saturday tomorrow.

6
00:00:13,806 --> 00:00:16,350
That's right.
It's somebody's birthday.

7
00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:18,519
Not just that.
The iPad comes out...

8
00:00:18,603 --> 00:00:20,688
On my actual birthday.

9
00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:23,900
It's like Steve Jobs and god got
together to say, “we love you, Phil.”

10
00:00:24,025 --> 00:00:27,445
What is so great about that doohickey
anyhow? “Doohickey,” Elly may?

11
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:31,157
It's a movie theater,
a library and a music store...

12
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,826
All rolled into one awesome pad.

13
00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:36,370
A //brary is a place
where people get books.

14
00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:39,373
A movie theater is a place
where people go on dates.

15
00:00:39,457 --> 00:00:42,519
I better load the beach chair into the trunk.
I'm gonna need it for the line in the morning.

16
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,922
Wait, honey. Hang on. You
can't spend your birthday in line.

17
00:00:46,005 --> 00:00:49,258
Well, not the whole day. I have to
be there at 6:00, or forget about it.

18
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,510
Then I'm out by 10:00.
Why don't you let me do it?

19
00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,429
Claire, you don't
have to do that.

20
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,473
No, I know, but I want to.

21
00:00:55,556 --> 00:01:00,144
And that way on your birthday you'll
wake up and you'll have your brand-new toy.

22
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,064
Okay.

23
00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:05,441
Well, in spite of you
calling it a toy,

24
00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:08,444
this is shaping up to top
the best birthday I ever had.

25
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:11,489
Oh, thank god we didn't have to
hear that stupid story about that place...

26
00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:13,824
It was called the fun
zone. I was 11. [ Groans ]

27
00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:16,911
I hit 10 straight fastballs
in the batting cage.

28
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:20,831
Then my best friend Jeff sweeney
stepped in and took one in the groin.

29
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:25,419
I yelled out “ball two!”
everybody laughed.

30
00:01:25,503 --> 00:01:27,838
That was when I knew
I was funny.

31
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,801
Good night.

32
00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:35,805
B—e—I—I—e—v—e. Believe.

33
00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:38,432
Are you sure there's not
an “e-i” in the middle?

34
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,268
No. It's “I—e.” good, pap/I

35
00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:43,354
if I can't fool you, then your
teachers can't fool you either.

36
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,856
I don't think
they're trying to fool me.

37
00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,918
Wait until you see what
I got Phil for his birthday.

38
00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:50,361
I found it on
the skymall catalog.

39
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:53,364
Ay. It's not one of those
talk/fig alarm clocks?

40
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:56,993
“It's 6:05. It's 6:25.
Wake up. Wake up.”

41
00:01:57,076 --> 00:01:59,912
Even better.
A rosewood chess set.

42
00:01:59,996 --> 00:02:02,996
As matter of fact, before / wrap this
thing, what say we take it for a spin?

43
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,103
Come on, Manny. I'll teach you. — he
knows how to play. His father taught him.

44
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:09,005
I'm gonna teach him real chess,
not the Colombian version.

45
00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:12,550
We actually use the pieces to play the
game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.

46
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,511
Uh, I know one Colombian piece
you won't be playing with later.

47
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,597
Manny, come on. Let's see
what you got. You'll be surprised.

48
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,058
[Spanish]

49
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:26,772
Li/lanny's an excellent player,
but Jay is a grumpy loser.

50
00:02:26,856 --> 00:02:31,652
He mopes, he makes the face, he slams the
door, then he said he didn't slam the door.

51
00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,322
It's better that he wins.

52
00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:40,202
[ Crying on baby monitor]

53
00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:42,288
Um, I got this.

54
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:50,713
[ Man on baby monitor] E verything's
gonna be okay it's okay. It's okay

55
00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:53,299
[ crying continues ]

56
00:02:53,424 --> 00:02:55,634
[Whispers] Cam! [
Mutters ] Leave me alone.

57
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,512
There's a— there's
arnanhwlhysroonm huh?

58
00:02:58,596 --> 00:03:00,765
There's a man in Lily's room!

59
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:05,603
It's go time.

60
00:03:12,276 --> 00:03:14,070
Oh, thank god.

61
00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:17,365
[Yells ] It's me, it's
me, it's me, it's me.

62
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:20,576
She's fine. We must have just heard
a neighbor with the same monitor.

63
00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,411
Thank god.

64
00:03:22,495 --> 00:03:26,165
Boy, if a spider would have broken in
here, he would have been in trouble.

65
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,917
[ Mouths words]

66
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,879
[Ll/lan], /~ hey, hey, r

67
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:35,966
,/' hey, hey hey, hey, r

68
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:39,261
,/' hey, hey hey.R.R

69
00:03:43,099 --> 00:03:44,725
light—up barbecue tongs.

70
00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:46,977
This was the lame gift I got Phil.

71
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:51,565
- — So, was I bummed to get up at 5:00 and wait in line?
- [Alarm beeping ]

72
00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:56,904
No. No, because / was finally getting my
husband something that he really, really wanted

73
00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:59,323
I was every bit as excited
as he was.

74
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:02,743
[ Exhales ]

75
00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:08,666
Uh— no.

76
00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:11,836
[ Muttering ]

77
00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:18,926
[Snoring]

78
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:22,054
Hey, buddy. I hope you're not upset
about our chess match yesterday.

79
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,682
Hey, what do you say
we play again? I'm good.

80
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,809
That's the spirit.

81
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:30,146
Downloaded this for you.
It's kind of a kid's guide to chess.

82
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,022
No, Jay. I'm good.

83
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:34,942
Nah, it's not all dry like that.
They have fun with it.

84
00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:37,736
See, you can color in
the little players with your crayons.

85
00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:39,613
Now you are making me
want to play again.

86
00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:42,491
Now we're lighting a fire.
Let me toss this out.

87
00:04:42,575 --> 00:04:47,413
If you beat me, if that day
should ever come, I'll give you...

88
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:52,543
- — I want your watch.
- Wow, you had that loaded up.

89
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,712
Okay. Game on.

90
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:59,091
Now, / want you to go first.

91
00:04:59,175 --> 00:05:02,386
Now remember, try to open up
the middle of the board.

92
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,805
I'd have moved that guy
two spaces.

93
00:05:04,889 --> 00:05:07,099
More aggressive.

94
00:05:07,183 --> 00:05:10,394
And you don't want to bring
your queen out that quickly.

95
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:13,564
See, now you could've protected that
with that, but now you're vulnerable...

96
00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:16,358
Checkmate. Huh? What?

97
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,236
How'd you do that?

98
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,592
You will not believe what's going on
at Jake and Debbie's house.

99
00:05:24,617 --> 00:05:27,453
Who? The people on the
monitor. They must live nearby.

100
00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:29,205
So much drama.

101
00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:32,082
Okay, Jake told Debbie
that he had to work late.

102
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:35,794
So she called his boss and
found out that he didn't. Busted!

103
00:05:35,878 --> 00:05:39,715
So she spent all morning on the phone crying
and crying and crying to her mother...

104
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:44,470
And said if Jake has to work “late”
one more time, she's filing for divorce.

105
00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:47,056
Huh.

106
00:05:47,139 --> 00:05:49,934
That's it? I give you that tasty dish
and all you give me is a “huh”?

107
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:52,311
I-I'm 3—
Cam, I froze last night.

108
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:55,314
I froze. I thought Lily
was in danger and I froze.

109
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,733
But not you. No, you
sprung right into action.

110
00:05:57,816 --> 00:06:00,444
You even had the cool
“it's go time” line.

111
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:03,008
That comes to me naturally.
I spent a year as a crossing guard.

112
00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:08,494
Cam, I mean, what kind of parent am I if I
can't even protect my own family, you know?

113
00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:11,497
J—just once I would love
to be the guy with no fear...

114
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:14,833
Who can stand up and, I don't
know, you know, kick some ass.

115
00:06:14,959 --> 00:06:18,504
You're so cute when you're angry with your
little fists. Just wanna put you in my pocket.

116
00:06:20,256 --> 00:06:22,174
[Footsteps] Think he is coming.

117
00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:24,385
He's coming? [ Gasps
I here he comes.

118
00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:26,971
- Dad! ;1_/[ All ]
- App y birth day!

119
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,889
You guys! That's awesome.

120
00:06:28,973 --> 00:06:32,059
Oh, who are these from?
[Alex] Cam and Mitchell.

121
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,602
Those guys are a class act.

122
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,479
We're making you breakfast.
Uh-huh.

123
00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:37,314
French waffle cakes.

124
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:42,570
Let me guess: One waffle in between two
pieces of French toast wrapped in a pancake.

125
00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:44,363
Nailed it.

126
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:46,615
Bring it in here, monkeys.

127
00:06:46,699 --> 00:06:48,909
Love you! Get over here!

128
00:06:48,993 --> 00:06:50,494
Good enough.

129
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,079
[ I uke ] Where is ll/lom?

130
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,164
You mean the greatest woman
in the world?

131
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:57,918
She is standing in line at the apple store,
making all my birthday wishes come true.

132
00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,962
Let's see how these
bad boys taste. Aww!

133
00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,547
Oh, no— son of a— oh!

134
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,048
[Fflafiedng] Itshofl

135
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,653
[ Luke ] Are you okay? [Phil]
Fresh out of the oven? That is...

136
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,428
Do you want some ice? Yes.

137
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:10,097
Oh, man! This— [ Ice rattling ]

138
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,808
Oh, that feels better. That
feels better. [Haley] Sorry, dad

139
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:16,186
no, it actually— that feels weird.
That burns in a different way!

140
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:21,025
Owl oh! Don't wash this until we
see if I can get my skin back okay?

141
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:27,156
Let me see it!

142
00:07:27,239 --> 00:07:29,342
No! Your party's not until tonight.
You're just gonna have to wait.

143
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,619
Just let me see the bag.
Did you leave it in the car?

144
00:07:31,744 --> 00:07:33,203
Yeah! Hey, who'd you deal with?

145
00:07:33,329 --> 00:07:35,623
Oh— was it a guy named
mehar? They call him “the beast.”

146
00:07:35,748 --> 00:07:38,250
No. He's a tiny guy. He
must move a ton of product.

147
00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:39,894
I kinda love
that you're making me wait.

148
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:42,129
[Laughs]
You are the best wife ever!

149
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,632
You are the best wife ever!

150
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,800
I didn't get you the iPad.

151
00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:50,429
I got to the store and they
were all out. I'm so sorry.

152
00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:52,348
I don't understand.
My online buddies got it.

153
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:55,476
Sat800 and brobot
didn't get there until 8:00.

154
00:07:55,559 --> 00:07:58,496
And you definitely got there before
they did, because you got there at 6:30.

155
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,148
No, no, no! You didn't get
there at 6:30? Where were you?

156
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:04,610
I set the alarm for 5:00. I got up,
I came downstairs, I fell asleep.

157
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:09,031
No! Oh, my goodness. What
have I done? What have I done?

158
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:12,552
I should've done this myself. Sweetie, you
know what? They're gonna get more in next week.

159
00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:15,954
Next week? That's the worst thing
you can say to an early adopter.

160
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:20,501
Where are you going? To a place
where birthdays still mean something.

161
00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,753
[ Door closes ]

162
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,594
[Doorbell rings] [
Ll/lann y ] I'll get that.

163
00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:33,639
Hi, Manny. Mitchell?

164
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:37,893
What are you doing here at...
4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?

165
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:40,896
Oh, I'm just returning
my dad's belt of tools, so...

166
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,107
At 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?

167
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,609
Don't you have
something better to do?

168
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,736
[ Chuckles ] Hey.

169
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,114
So, were you a big hit?
What do you mean?

170
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:53,701
Well, I just assumed there was some
kind of costume party. Was cam the Indian?

171
00:08:53,784 --> 00:08:57,454
No. For your information, dad, we were actually
doing a little construction at the house.

172
00:08:57,579 --> 00:09:00,541
Ah. What'd you build?
A gift-wrapping station.

173
00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:03,544
And we're back.
So, thank you for that.

174
00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:05,713
You're welcome.

175
00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:08,716
Hey, uh, dad, do you remember
when I was, uh, probably 11...

176
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,051
And you were teaching me
how to fight, and then I quit?

177
00:09:11,135 --> 00:09:14,455
Yeah, when you said everything you needed
to learn you'd learn from West Side story.

178
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:16,181
Yeah. How'd that
work out for you?

179
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:19,643
If I'm ever in a dance fight, I'll
let you know. [Both laughing]

180
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:23,272
So, yeah—
Is-is the offer, uh, still good?

181
00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:25,357
Why? What's the matter?
You got problems with cam?

182
00:09:25,441 --> 00:09:27,943
No! Wh—why would you say that?

183
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:31,155
Well, come on. I mean, you
know, sharing a room with a guy?

184
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,699
I bunked with my brother.
I know that can get pretty rough.

185
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,451
I don't “bunk” with cam.

186
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:39,121
Dad, I just wanna learn a little self—defense,
you know. Show me what you remember.

187
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:42,166
Right— right now? Yeah.

188
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:46,170
Okay, uh— gosh, uh— thumbs out.

189
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:47,838
Thumbs. That a boy. And then...

190
00:09:54,470 --> 00:09:56,156
That wasn't— that wasn't
very pretty, was it?

191
00:09:56,180 --> 00:10:00,100
You know what? Maybe it was
a little too pretty. That's the thing.

192
00:10:00,184 --> 00:10:02,436
Here it goes.

193
00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:04,146
Oh! [Groaning] Oh, man!

194
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:08,150
Buddy! Think the problem is,
you're notjumping from high enough.

195
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,402
You should get on top
of the garage.

196
00:10:10,486 --> 00:10:12,404
Alex, stop trying to
kill your brother.

197
00:10:12,488 --> 00:10:15,592
Listen, guys, I need your help. We've gotta
find your dad one of those iPad thingies.

198
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,785
So, Haley,
text everyone you know.

199
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:21,997
Alex? Facebook, chat, tweet, buzz, bling,
I don't know! Just do what you have to do.

200
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,541
We have got to find one of
these iPads. Okay? [ Gas hissing ]

201
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:28,253
Luke? Sweetie, that means stay out of
everyone's way and stop inhaling the balloons.

202
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:30,297
[Squeaky voice]
I'm not inhaling them.

203
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,508
Stop lying.

204
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:35,219
How did she know?

205
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:41,850
Didn't your mama teach you
never to take a ride from a stranger?

206
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:43,644
Got a little vacation time coming up?

207
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,687
Have fun on the moon!

208
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,856
Not feeling too well lately?

209
00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:50,400
Maybe you should
come see the doctor...

210
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:52,402
And I'll get rid of it!

211
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:54,488
[Laughs]

212
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,240
What's that supposed to mean?

213
00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:01,328
[ Woman on P.A. I attention. If
you're here for Phil's birthday party,

214
00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:03,372
they're gathering
in the picnic area.

215
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,374
Phil's bi/thda y party.

216
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:09,002
My wife knew I'd be here. She
put together a whole party for me.

217
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:11,505
Does that really make up
for not getting an iPad?

218
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:14,758
Don't make me sorry I
shared that with you. Okay?

219
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,844
See you, fellas.

220
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:22,349
Howdy—do!

221
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:25,352
I just heard the announcement
for Phil's birthday party.

222
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,312
Oh, yeah.
It's right around the corner.

223
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:28,981
Awesome. Have fun!

224
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,400
Thank you. Thanks,
milady. [ Chuckles ]

225
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,569
[ Clears throat]

226
00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:36,572
[ Chattering ]

227
00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:39,533
Ice cream cake?
Ice cream cake's good.

228
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,493
[All shouting]
Happy birthday, Phil!

229
00:11:42,995 --> 00:11:45,455
This is awesome! Whoa...

230
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:48,750
[ Voices overlapping] Happy
birthday! Happy birthday!

231
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,213
[ Woman]
Happy birthday, sweetie.

232
00:11:53,297 --> 00:11:54,941
[ Child] Happy birthday
ha ve a really good birthday

233
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:57,443
[ woman #2 ] Did you see the
cake? [ Ll/lan ] Oh, yeah. It's great.

234
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,511
[Phone ringing on baby monitor]

235
00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:01,263
[Jake] Hello?

236
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,432
No, that's fine,
I'm just putting the baby down.

237
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:06,059
Okay, that's Jake. He's the
one that's having an affair.

238
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:09,229
I know. [Jake] Yeah, I
can do it tomorrow night.

239
00:12:09,313 --> 00:12:11,064
I'll just give my wife
some excuse.

240
00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,525
[ Sighs ] Men are pigs.

241
00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:15,903
- — Idon 7 really have a choice, do /?
- Yeah.

242
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,666
You could not cheat on her!
How about that?

243
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:19,239
Because it has to be a surprise.

244
00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:22,242
When she hears me speaking
Italian to her grandmother,

245
00:12:22,326 --> 00:12:24,244
it'll be worth
all this sneaking around.

246
00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:26,246
Lily, I had it backwards.
He's wonderful.

247
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:29,309
- Don't worry / 7! Just tell her I'm working late.
- No, Jake, don't do that.

248
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:30,876
That's the worst thing
you could do.

249
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:32,419
Buona notte. [Phone beeps]

250
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:36,006
Oh, no, Lily, what are we
gonna do? We have to fix this.

251
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:42,220
Okay, Mitchell, I'm gonna teach you a
couple of basic Brazilian jiu-jitsu moves.

252
00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,264
Now, just— just attack me.

253
00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:45,974
I'm sorry— what?

254
00:12:46,058 --> 00:12:49,436
Take any deep—seated anger you may
have, get a running start and come at me.

255
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,104
Dad, I don't have
any deep-seated anger.

256
00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:53,750
Remember that Halloween when I
wouldn't let you go as Olivia Newton-John?

257
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:54,942
[Yells]

258
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:56,276
[ Grunts, gasps ]

259
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,946
You see what I did? I used
your momentum against you.

260
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:00,590
I learned this choke
from the Gracie brothers.

261
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:04,034
It's called the lion killer—
Mata Lea"o.

262
00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:07,079
Okay. Now try to get
out. Try to get out. See?

263
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,081
I can't. Yeah, all right. Now...

264
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,791
Passing out—
See, the beauty of this is,

265
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:12,709
you don't have to
make the first move.

266
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:15,462
You know, chances are
youropponenfs gonna be overconfident.

267
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,464
He's gonna think
you don't know anything.

268
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,841
Basically, he's being suckered
into thinking...

269
00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:23,637
Manny. Manny, that
little bastard, he hustled me.

270
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:27,057
Oh, crap.

271
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,559
Ah, crap. Mitchell!

272
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:34,106
Oh, crap.
All right. Come on. Breathe.

273
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,817
Attaboy. You all right?
Coming around. [Groaning]

274
00:13:36,942 --> 00:13:38,944
Why am I on the floor?
Come on, Mitchell.

275
00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:41,947
[Phone ringing]

276
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:45,492
Haley, I just struck out again. Please
tell me you have some good news.

277
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:48,554
Okay, so the grove just got a new shipment.
I'm texting you the directions now.

278
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:52,416
Oh! Okay, that's good.
That's good. That's good.

279
00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:55,585
I'm there. I'm on that.

280
00:13:59,715 --> 00:14:01,174
That kid stole my watch.

281
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:02,759
Huh? Mdkfi?

282
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:04,553
He hustled me at chess.

283
00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:07,031
[ Exhales ] I thought you promised
you were gonna let him win.

284
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:09,975
- I did the first time.
- Wait a minute. You're in on it too?

285
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:13,270
- — Manny, go and get dressed for the party.
- Do I have time for a steam?

286
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,230
- — Yeah, but a quick one.
- Okay.

287
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:18,692
Why tell him to lose to me? Because
you're like a baby when you don't win.

288
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,777
With the kicking
and the eyebrows...

289
00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:23,989
And the angry eating of the
sunflower seeds. [Chittering ]

290
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,657
Actually, that's not true.

291
00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:29,077
I don't mind losing to a chess
genius, which Manny obviously is.

292
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:31,455
Chess genius?
He's not even as good as I am.

293
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:35,042
You're not that good in chess. I beat you
on our honeymoon. Or did I let you win?

294
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,544
You didn't let me win.

295
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:41,131
Why would I sacrifice my queen
for your pawn, Jay?

296
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,216
Huh? Huh?

297
00:14:47,179 --> 00:14:49,848
Huh? Sfixjsawwgthat

298
00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:54,811
[phone ringing]

299
00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:57,814
[Beeps] Luke, honey,
hi what's going on?

300
00:14:57,898 --> 00:15:01,651
They guy came with dad's cake, but
just so you know, it's missing a piece.

301
00:15:01,777 --> 00:15:04,821
Luke, did you take a bite
out of your father's cake? No.

302
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:07,407
Stop lying, Luke. I'm not lying.

303
00:15:07,491 --> 00:15:10,702
By the way, I used your credit
card to pay him. Is that all right?

304
00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:13,330
Oh, no, that's fine. Whatever.

305
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,290
That's why I left the wallet there.

306
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,876
Oh, my god.

307
00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:20,921
Oh, my god!

308
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:24,549
I left the wallet there!
I left the wa— your poor father.

309
00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:28,053
All this running around, and he's gonna
think nobody cares about him on his birthday.

310
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,930
More cake?

311
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,890
Why not, little Phil?

312
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:33,934
I got no place else to go.

313
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:37,562
[ Chattering ]

314
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,947
Sir! Sir! Sir, hi. Excuse me.

315
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,950
Um, yes. I know
this is highly unusual,

316
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,786
but I need your help
to save a marriage.

317
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,579
There is a couple
in this neighborhood...

318
00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:57,063
That is about to get a divorce
for a simple misunderstanding.

319
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:58,708
Their name is Jake and Debbie.

320
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,710
And I know
you've taken an oath...

321
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,463
To not tell people where other
people live, and I respect that,

322
00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:06,591
but maybe we could work out some
sort of super secretive spy signal,

323
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:09,487
where if you scratch your left ear,
you know, maybe they live on the left,

324
00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:11,471
and if you scratch
your right ear, they live on...

325
00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:13,515
They live right here.

326
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,895
This conversation neverhappened.

327
00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:23,775
Sorry. Oh, thank god!

328
00:16:23,859 --> 00:16:25,735
Oh, thank you. Thank you.

329
00:16:25,861 --> 00:16:28,780
Dad just put me to sleep.
Oh, the hunting story.

330
00:16:28,864 --> 00:16:30,490
No. Hmm.

331
00:16:30,574 --> 00:16:33,243
Oh, my gosh, no. You
can't cut the line. Sorry.

332
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,953
I was here. Uh-uh.

333
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:39,249
I—I've been here for an hour and a half
and you haven't been, so you cut the line.

334
00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,293
Whatever. Whoa. Excuse me, sir.

335
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:44,296
I don't think you understand.
You're not getting in front of us.

336
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:45,881
Calm down, gingerbread.

337
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,759
- Are you gonna move or not?
- No.

338
00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,761
Oh, no.

339
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:54,139
Then you leave me no choice.

340
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:57,684
Oh, my god. Go to sleep.

341
00:16:57,767 --> 00:17:00,604
Go to sleep. Go to sleep. No.

342
00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:03,356
Mitchell, what are you
doing? Getofiofhmm shut up.

343
00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:05,400
He's about to go
to sleep. No, I'm not.

344
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,545
Okay, folks. Let's break
this up. You three— out of line.

345
00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:09,922
Oh, no. I'm sorry, sir. I didn't
have anything to do with this.

346
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:13,158
I'm just waiting in line to get an
iPad. I don't even know this guy.

347
00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:14,659
Oh, my god.
I need your credit card.

348
00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:16,637
He's the problem. Shut up!
You're supposed to be asleep.

349
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,163
It's okay. I have it. Get off!

350
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:19,706
I've got it. What?

351
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:21,875
I've got your card.
I'm good. No, I'm good.

352
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:23,877
I'm good. I'm here. I'm here!

353
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,296
I've gotta get my husband
anipad!

354
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:30,008
Key to a good birthday?
Low expectations.

355
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:33,261
Thought I was getting an iPad.
I was wrong about that.

356
00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:36,723
Thought I was getting a surprise party
at the batting cages. Sorry, big Phil.

357
00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,683
[Laughs]

358
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,227
Guess when it comes
right down to it,

359
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:43,230
we're all just Jeff sweeney
taking a fastball to the plums.

360
00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:49,861
Hey, um, dad, your cake
fell off the counter,

361
00:17:49,945 --> 00:17:52,030
but uncle cam's trying to fix it.

362
00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:54,032
He won't.

363
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:56,034
And the pizzas never showed up.

364
00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:58,036
And they won't!

365
00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,996
Hey, balloons.

366
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:02,874
Fine. I guess we'll never know.
Or we can find out right now.

367
00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:04,876
Yeah, Manny,
give me the chess set.

368
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:08,147
Oh, it's a chess set. — yeah. You'll get
it later. We got something to settle now.

369
00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:10,298
Go in there.
Happy birthday, Phil.

370
00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:11,716
Happy happy-

371
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:14,469
is that Claire's baked
brie I smell? [Laughs]

372
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,054
No.

373
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:20,308
Oh, cam, cam, you 7! Ne
ver belie ve what happened.

374
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,602
Happy birthday, Phil! Sure!

375
00:18:22,686 --> 00:18:24,830
You'll never believe what happened.
I got in trouble for fighting.

376
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,648
[ Gasps ]
And we saved a marriage.

377
00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:29,067
Well, this is the best
day ever. It really is.

378
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,194
Ain't it though?

379
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,738
[ Clears throat]

380
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:36,658
Look at this, papr, huh?

381
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:39,035
[Laughing] Easy.

382
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,913
You can't sing
“we are the champions”...

383
00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:43,665
Without your queen.

384
00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:47,877
Damn it! Listen, I lose
and I burn this house down!

385
00:18:50,005 --> 00:18:51,840
Ah, but look at this—
Honey, honey.

386
00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:54,634
What are we doing?
This is ridiculous.

387
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:59,014
One of us is gonna win the game, the
other's gonna feel lousy, and we both lose.

388
00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:04,394
Yeah, just leave my
birthday present on the floor.

389
00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:06,438
That's my girl.!
Jay! She had me.

390
00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:10,984
There was no way / could win. /knew
it. I'm just glad she didn't know it yet.

391
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,486
Two moves, and then—
[Cutting sound ]

392
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:15,322
I'm a very good chess player.

393
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,407
But I'm a better wife.

394
00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:21,619
Hey, did you get it? No.

395
00:19:21,745 --> 00:19:25,123
How's your dad?
Acting weird... er.

396
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,167
Fkycmwe. Honey, hl

397
00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:29,169
um, listen— mom.

398
00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:31,171
Yeah, Luke, hang on one second.

399
00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:34,132
Honey, it's okay.
I don't feel things anymore.

400
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:35,884
But, sweetie, I want
you to feel— mom!

401
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:38,636
Luke, I'll be with you in just a
second. Where are you going?

402
00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:41,681
Just heading out to the yard to
get a shovel for my cake. Mom.

403
00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:44,893
- — Luke, what do you want?
- I went on dad's computer,

404
00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:47,062
contacted some
of his geek friends,

405
00:19:47,145 --> 00:19:50,940
told them that he was dying
and his last wish was an iPad.

406
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:52,984
Luke, what have I
told you about...

407
00:19:53,068 --> 00:19:55,987
One of them felt so bad,
they brought over an extra.

408
00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:59,949
Oh, my god. You got it.
You beautiful little liar!

409
00:20:00,075 --> 00:20:02,327
[Door opens ] Here comes dad.

410
00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:09,334
[ Chattering ]

411
00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:12,170
Who wants some cake?

412
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:15,090
I used to, but I don't
desire food any...

413
00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:16,674
Oh, my god. You got it!

414
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:19,886
All this time I said I didn't care,
but I do care. I care so much!

415
00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:22,263
Do you want to blow
out the candles? Yes.

416
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,349
Go on. Go. [Blowing]

417
00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:26,684
It did not just do that!

418
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:29,479
Yesjtdw! Honey!

419
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:33,316
Oh, who's ready for the first day
of the rest of their lives?

420
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,568
Phil, happy birthday!
Look at this!

421
00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:39,072
Can I touch it? Yeah,
not so hard, but touch it.

422
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:42,158
Touch it, but don't touch it.
Touch it, but don't touch it.

423
00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:47,497
[ Debbie ]
I'm so sorry I ever doubted you.

424
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,916
I love you. [Jake] Thank
god that guy came over.

425
00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:54,003
What did he say his name
was? He didn't. Must be an angel

426
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:55,588
did you hear that? I'm an angel.

427
00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:57,924
[ Jake ] Or some
creepy perv. Yeah.

428
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:02,429
Wow. How did he know? E wvv.

429
00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:05,223
[Jake ] Maybe / should call the
police. You should call the police.

430
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:08,393
I'm gonna call the police.
And they lived happily ever after.

431
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,687
No, cam. Where are you going?
It was just getting good

432
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,356
I want— that's my program.

433
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:15,900
I love you.

434
00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:19,070
I love you too, honey. Oh. Okay.

435
00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:35,670
English - us — psdh