1
00:00:05,298 --> 00:00:07,675
- Oh, hey, honey. Have a great time az' the game.
- Thanks.

2
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,178
[ Grin/(ling ]
Oh. Why are you crunching?

3
00:00:10,261 --> 00:00:12,555
Ord/harl/jc I'm a rule follower,

4
00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:15,683
but when someone tells me I can't
bring my own snacks into their stadium,

5
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:19,604
that's when I get a little nuts.
[ Cr/hk/lhg ]

6
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:21,564
It's a free country, right?

7
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,900
Let's just say it ruffles me...
[ Cr/hk/lhg ]

8
00:00:23,983 --> 00:00:25,902
When some goobers
tell me... [ grin/(Ling ]

9
00:00:25,985 --> 00:00:28,237
I have to spend half
my payday“ [ Grin/(Ling ]

10
00:00:28,321 --> 00:00:32,491
On their hot dogs.
[ Grin/(Ling ]

11
00:00:32,575 --> 00:00:34,410
Please, just remember
the family portrait.

12
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,787
We only have the
photographer for an hour. Okay.

13
00:00:36,913 --> 00:00:40,583
Okay? And, sweetie, did you have a chance to
try on the white pants I put in your closet?

14
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,627
Oh, what do they look like?

15
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:45,755
Is there really a more clear way
to describe white pants?

16
00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:49,634
Sweet/e, if they don't fit you, you're
going to be the only one not wearing white,

17
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,928
and then you're gonna
stand out like “where's Waldo?”

18
00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:53,930
Actually, “where's Waldo?”
doesn't stand out.

19
00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:55,932
He's super hard to find.
That's the challenge.

20
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,952
This portrait is incredibly important
to me. Also, his name is just “Waldo.”

21
00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,455
I spent weeks trying to find a time
that works for everybody...

22
00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:03,397
And finding the right photographer.

23
00:01:03,481 --> 00:01:06,400
So if you could just promise me
that you'll cooperate, okay?

24
00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:08,402
I promise. Okay.

25
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:11,239
This is amazing that you're
doing this. Mmm, thank you.

26
00:01:11,364 --> 00:01:13,282
You're wonderful. Thank you.

27
00:01:13,366 --> 00:01:14,825
Get in here— [ Grin/(Ling ]

28
00:01:14,951 --> 00:01:15,952
Oh. Oh, no can do.

29
00:01:16,035 --> 00:01:18,496
- — I love you.
- Bye.

30
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,831
[Birds chirping ]

31
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:22,833
Where '3 my good underwear?

32
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:28,130
The question is, why isn't all your
undennear good, Jay? You make a nice living.

33
00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:31,092
The new maid keeps mixing up
my undennear with Manny's.

34
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:33,695
Put on the first thing I grabbed.
It was like a crotch tourniquet.

35
00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:35,596
You gotta talk to her. Why me?

36
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,474
Ho/a. You both
speak the same language.

37
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,851
She's Portuguese.
Do you know how offensive it is...

38
00:01:40,977 --> 00:01:44,105
That you put all of us in the
same mixing pot? [Doorbell rings]

39
00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:46,750
Sorry. Please apologize to her when
you tell her not to put my undennear...

40
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,484
I can't talk to her!

41
00:01:49,986 --> 00:01:51,070
Hey, guys. Hey.

42
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:53,781
Hey. Where's Luke?
I'm going instead.

43
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:56,492
Luke suddenly remembered
a school project due tomorrow.

44
00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,655
Oh, that's tough.
But it's a good lesson for the kid.

45
00:01:58,703 --> 00:02:00,984
You know, you make a commitment,
you gotta follow through.

46
00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:03,541
Yeah. What is the project?

47
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,644
He has to interview somebody
who lived through the 1960s.

48
00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:08,212
Oh, no. [ Cell phone rings]

49
00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:10,965
[ Beeps ] Hello.

50
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:14,844
Yeah, Luke. Oh, sure.
I remember what I said.

51
00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:17,388
Yeah, come on
over. Ahtht [ Beeps ]

52
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,511
Gloria, you're gonna have
to take Manny to the game.

53
00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:22,018
Yay. Manny, [vamosl

54
00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:23,602
I'm still gett/ng dressed.

55
00:02:23,686 --> 00:02:26,522
Hey, mom, I think
my diet's working.

56
00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:28,274
My undennear won't stay up.

57
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,030
[Ll/lan], /~ hey, heyy

58
00:02:34,113 --> 00:02:38,117
,/' hey, hey hey, hey, r

59
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,370
,/' hey, hey heyw

60
00:02:45,166 --> 00:02:48,544
oh, so delicious. Yes.

61
00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:51,464
Hey, you're okay with me not
going with you today, right?

62
00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:55,009
Iha ve been hired to s/ng
at a wedding this weekend.

63
00:02:55,092 --> 00:03:00,973
I was plucked from obscurity after a
particularly stirring karaoke performance.

64
00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:03,392
So I guess you could say
I'm a professional singer now.

65
00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:07,063
Well, they're paying you
in flowers, so...

66
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:10,083
Well, I would've blown the money on
flowers anyway. They're saving me a step.

67
00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:13,235
Plus all the great divas
are rewarded in flowers.

68
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:15,237
They're also given paychecks.

69
00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:17,782
And I'm really bad
at small talk, so...

70
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,784
I get it. It's not a problem.

71
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,952
Are you sure? 'Cause
you've been quiet all morning.

72
00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:24,789
It's because
I'm resting my instrument.

73
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,457
[ Softly] Okay.

74
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,794
I feel tension.

75
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,880
, ar[Speahwsxrbokj [cheenng]

76
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:35,216
[ Li/lan ]
Kobe! Kobe, over here!

77
00:03:35,341 --> 00:03:37,176
Kobe! Kobe! Over here!

78
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,678
What can I do for you?

79
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:43,808
Do you like being
a basketball player?

80
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,518
Senous?

81
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,104
I choked. I didn't think
you'd look up here at me.

82
00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:52,066
- Little preparation next time. It's a mental game.
- Duly noted.

83
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,318
- All right.
- [Man on ra. I your Los Angeles takers!

84
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:02,493
[Keys clatter]

85
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:06,288
- What's wrong?
- That broken step.

86
00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:08,165
It's gonna ruin
our whole family portrait.

87
00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:10,626
Okay, here's my idea.
I'm really excited about it.

88
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:13,087
The whole extended family,
all dressed in white,

89
00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:15,548
in a single—file line
down the staircase.

90
00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:18,509
Oh, like a line on the highway.
No.

91
00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:21,470
Or, uh, a ski jump. No.

92
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,806
Why— why would I want
a ski jump? I don't know.

93
00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:27,059
My idea was to have the whole family
in a giant bed, like in Willy wonka.

94
00:04:27,143 --> 00:04:29,270
Yeah, but that's ridiculous.

95
00:04:29,395 --> 00:04:33,023
“Ridiculicious.” [sighs]

96
00:04:33,149 --> 00:04:36,152
I don't see anything.
So I'm crazy?

97
00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:38,487
No. You're... not.

98
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,867
Your father was supposed
to fix that step.

99
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,911
Li/lom, you're obsessing over
the tiniest little thing...

100
00:04:45,995 --> 00:04:47,621
So you do see it, yeah.

101
00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,999
What is the big deal
about this one picture?

102
00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:54,295
Honey, you know what, I don't expect
you to understand, but— [ Exhales]

103
00:04:54,378 --> 00:04:58,507
All right, when you're a mom,
everything goes by so quickly.

104
00:04:58,591 --> 00:05:01,302
In a minute,
Luke's gonna be shaving,

105
00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:03,705
and Alex is gonna be off at college,
and you're gonna be...

106
00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:09,727
You'll be doing something great.

107
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,771
I just wanna freeze this moment
as it is right now.

108
00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:15,357
You know? I do.

109
00:05:15,441 --> 00:05:19,069
I know I don't show it, but this
family's still the most important thing...

110
00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:21,906
Screw it.
I'm gonna fix the bastard.

111
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,074
I mean, seriously,
how hard can it be?

112
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:26,494
If your father can do it,
I can do it. Right?

113
00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:29,580
All right. I just need to...

114
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,042
Lift...

115
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,170
Oh, now I see it.

116
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:38,297
Uh—huh. Mm-hmm.

117
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:41,842
[ Crowd cheering ]

118
00:05:42,885 --> 00:05:45,012
These seats are amazing.

119
00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:47,723
Why you have candy coming out
of your pocket? No, no, no, no, no.

120
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,643
Huh? I brought my own snacks.

121
00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,895
Not because I'm cheap.
It's a matter of principle.

122
00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:55,564
Plus I get a little rush from
the danger. Be cool. Be cool.

123
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:59,151
What? Be cool. Just
look straight ahead.

124
00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:03,781
I never felt more alive. Whoo!

125
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,783
[ Tm announcer, indistinct]

126
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,066
Okay, I just made it worse.
I'm not freaking out though.

127
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,871
I'm gonna call your dad, and
he's gonna tell me how to fix this.

128
00:06:10,955 --> 00:06:13,082
- — Oh, my god! It's dad.
- Where?

129
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:16,168
Right there, beh/nd Kobe.
Oh, Kobe? How weird is this!

130
00:06:16,252 --> 00:06:18,647
Quick. Quick, tell me something
to say that will freak him out.

131
00:06:18,671 --> 00:06:21,549
Tell him I'm pregnant.
No, not gonna say that.

132
00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:25,553
- [ Line ringing] — [ Claire ] Okay,
here we go. How funny is this!

133
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:28,764
[ Chuckles ]

134
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:31,517
[Recording] Hey, it's
Phil you know what to do.

135
00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:34,853
[ Line beeps ]
Well, that was pretty funny.

136
00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,981
[Beeps]

137
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,988
Oh, my god!

138
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:46,865
[ Coos ] Oh, my god.

139
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,661
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

140
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:56,166
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

141
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,837
Oh. Oh.

142
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,965
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

143
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,967
Oh, my god. Oh.

144
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:06,552
[ Chattering ]
[ Cell phone rings]

145
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:08,762
It's much better.
Excuse me. Sorry.

146
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:11,098
I think that's her
cousin. Hello?

147
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:15,144
There is a pigeon in our house. What
do I do? What do I do? Who is this?

148
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,688
Never funny. Not
funny now. Calm down.

149
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,250
You know I grew up around many
animals. One time, a rooster attacked me,

150
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:22,359
and my mom wrung its neck,
and we had it for dinner.

151
00:07:22,443 --> 00:07:25,070
Great time for an anecdote.
Help me.

152
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:27,698
It's more afraid of you
than you are of it.

153
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,135
Pigeons aren't scared of anything.
They stand on electrical wires.

154
00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:33,370
You're gonna be fine, Mitchell.
Just as long as you don't...

155
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:36,498
You know what, they're starting.
I gotta go. Okay, bye. [Beeps]

156
00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:40,377
As long as I don't what? Cam?
As long as I don't— oh, god!

157
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:44,715
- [On ra. I, /' kiss, kiss
j - cool. The kiss cam.

158
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,485
Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera
was on us and then the crowd started...

159
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,428
We're related. Not by blood.

160
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,430
Touch me
and there will be blood.

161
00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,808
[ Crowd cheering ]

162
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:57,019
Not us. What's wrong with you?

163
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:59,662
It's the kiss cam. When it lands
on you, you're supposed to kiss.

164
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:03,150
[ Cheering, whistling]

165
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:07,905
This is my wife's dad's second wife.
So legally okay, but still weird.

166
00:08:10,366 --> 00:08:14,286
That was awkward.
And we're back.

167
00:08:14,370 --> 00:08:16,497
[ Crowd booing ]

168
00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:20,959
Jay! Come on. It's
not a big deal. Oh.

169
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:24,088
[ Crowd cheering, applauding ]

170
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:30,260
Thank god for caller ID.
So you don't have to talk to your wife.

171
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:33,263
[Claire chuckles]
Oh, we're gonna talk, mister.

172
00:08:33,347 --> 00:08:35,265
[ Hammering ]
We 're gonna talk and talk.

173
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:38,018
[Beeps]

174
00:08:38,102 --> 00:08:41,689
Dad, mom saw you on TV.
You're dead.

175
00:08:44,108 --> 00:08:46,944
Here's the thing. The kiss
cam is only supposed to be...

176
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,363
For the enjoyment
of the people at the game.

177
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,740
They never show that on TV.

178
00:08:51,824 --> 00:08:54,868
What people do in the privacy
of their own sports arena...

179
00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:57,246
Should be their own business.

180
00:08:57,329 --> 00:09:02,292
So in '66, I worked in my
grandfather's office supply business...

181
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:05,129
Your ink, your staples,
your legal pads.

182
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:08,757
- — Am I going too fast for you?
- I fell asleep for a second.

183
00:09:08,841 --> 00:09:11,552
Did you do anything
interesting in the '60s?

184
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:14,406
Well, one summer, I swept up hair
at my other grandfather's barbershop.

185
00:09:14,430 --> 00:09:16,598
You're killing me.
What do you want?

186
00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:20,436
I don't know. Brian beckwith's
grandfather marched on Washington.

187
00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:24,189
Artie beckwith? He couldn't
walk two feet without complaining.

188
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:27,609
He marched on Washington?
He told Brian he did.

189
00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:31,196
- With Martin Luther King Jr.
- Martin Luther King?

190
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:34,533
- — Guess who cut his hair.
- What?

191
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:37,161
Do you know who cut
Martin Luther King Jr. is hair?

192
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,121
Neither does Luke's teacher.

193
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:43,125
So the barbershop was
in Washington? Okay.

194
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,169
Did you cut any other
famous hair? Oh, yeah.

195
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,421
The Kennedys, Richard Nixon,
all the astronauts.

196
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,590
How do you think buzz aldrin
got his nickname?

197
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:52,092
Awesome.

198
00:09:52,176 --> 00:09:54,094
[Mitchell]
,/' we love to play in Lily's room, r

199
00:09:54,178 --> 00:09:56,054
,/' we don't need any milk j

200
00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:58,056
j'j' [humming]

201
00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:00,350
Okay, you know what, Lily?
I am a man.

202
00:10:00,476 --> 00:10:04,855
I am going into the kitchen
to get your milk. [ Crying ]

203
00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:09,860
[ Crying continues] [ Panting ]

204
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:14,031
[ Screaming, whimpering]

205
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:20,537
[ Continues ]

206
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,875
Oh! Oh!

207
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:28,045
[ Screaming, whimpering]

208
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,298
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

209
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:33,842
[ Lily crying] [ Cooing ]

210
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:43,310
J, » [ Cello]

211
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:54,688
3 a ve ll/laria, I'

212
00:10:57,241 --> 00:11:04,164
,/' gratia plena, r

213
00:11:04,248 --> 00:11:12,248
,/' Maria, gratia plena, r

214
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:19,763
,/' Maria, gratia plena, r

215
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:27,479
3 a ve, ave Dominus 9

216
00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:31,441
,/' Dominus tecum j

217
00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:40,367
,/' benedicta tu in mulieribus, r

218
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:48,083
j et benedictus fructus ventris j

219
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:56,166
j ventris tui, jesu5j

220
00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:08,429
j a ve ll/laria jj

221
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:15,569
[applause ]

222
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,365
Then one day,
wilt Chamberlain shows up.

223
00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:23,201
He says, “can you take a little
off the top for my friend here?”

224
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:25,287
And it's Elvis. No way.

225
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:29,207
Greatest singer that ever lived, after
Sinatra. I'll fight any man who says different.

226
00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:33,170
My dad says the greatest singer
who ever lived is peabo Bryson.

227
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:36,298
Then I guess I gotta fight your dad.
Yeah, I guess.

228
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,842
[ Cheering ]

229
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:41,595
[Beeps]

230
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:44,765
Luke says grandpa
wants to fight you.

231
00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,895
[Grunts]

232
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:54,149
[ Glass shatters] [ Clattering ]

233
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:57,152
Why does everything
have to suck?

234
00:12:57,235 --> 00:13:00,238
Let's just do the picture another
day. I think I'm getting a pimple.

235
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:03,075
No. Do you know how long it
took me to book this photographer?

236
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:07,079
Maybe by the fireplace.

237
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:10,666
Yeah. That's a classic
old-person spot for a portrait.

238
00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:13,377
Yeah, if I'd ever bothered
to paint that hideous wall.

239
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:17,172
Claire is a perfect/onist,
which sometimes is a good thing,

240
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:20,425
like when it comes to
picking a husband. [ Chuckles ]

241
00:13:20,509 --> 00:13:24,638
Sometimes it's a bad thing, like when
everyone else sees something beautiful...

242
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:28,308
And all she sees
is the teeny-tiny flaw.

243
00:13:28,392 --> 00:13:31,895
- No. No.
- [Beep/77g]

244
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,981
No.

245
00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:36,650
Hi. My house is a disaster.

246
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,777
Can we do this picture
at your place?

247
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:42,531
Yeah, that's—
That's not gonna work.

248
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,454
[Birds chirping ]

249
00:13:49,538 --> 00:13:52,916
Maybe one more layer.
And tight, really tight.

250
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:55,335
Dad, can you call them again?
I just did.

251
00:13:55,419 --> 00:13:57,337
They're on their way.
Game went into overtime.

252
00:13:57,421 --> 00:13:58,880
I know,
but we 're losing the light,

253
00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:01,234
and the photographer's gotta get
to a bar mitzvah in 10 minutes.

254
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,010
Oh, red wine. Really? Now?

255
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,971
You know, honey, I think you're
getting a little too uptight about this.

256
00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:08,765
It's hard to breathe.
Oh, you're fine.

257
00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:12,769
What'd you do to him? He's turning
blue. But his clothes will stay white.

258
00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:15,355
- We're home!
- Oh, thank god.

259
00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,065
Manny, let's go change.
[ Kisses ]

260
00:14:17,149 --> 00:14:19,609
[ Phil]
Hey, there's my beautiful wife.

261
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:22,797
I know you're mad at me, and I know this
foam finger can't make up for everything.

262
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:25,425
Honey, you just go change, and
we'll talk about what you did later.

263
00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:27,743
Hey, thank you so much
for those tickets.

264
00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:30,037
Gloria tells me you
had a real good time.

265
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,330
Not really. No, I didn't.
God, I love your daughter.

266
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:36,168
Oh! I should— / should come by
and kiss that step— fix that step.

267
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,920
Oh, you're acting like
I wanted to destroy the house.

268
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:41,482
No. I just think it's odd that the
majority of things you destroyed...

269
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,175
Were sent to us by my mom.

270
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:45,361
Okay, okay, okay. So while
I'm fighting off that filthy creature,

271
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,429
I actually stop and say,
“oh, you know what,

272
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,974
here's the opportunity I've always been
looking for to destroy our kitschiest objects.”

273
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,684
Kitschiest?
Oh, she's gonna love that.

274
00:14:52,768 --> 00:14:55,621
If you would've come with me to the
wedding, none of this would have happened.

275
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:58,231
Okay. So you are angry.
Mitchell, I get it.

276
00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:00,400
You're terrified of
small talk and birds.

277
00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:03,046
You're just lucky that pigeon didn't
want to chat you up about the weather.

278
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,529
Hello, Jay. Hello, guys.

279
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:08,492
Oh, god. Oh, you look like
the guy from dance fever

280
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:11,411
thank you. Dene y
terr/o. C/e ve/and, Ohio.

281
00:15:11,495 --> 00:15:13,288
Dad, really?
That is not a compliment.

282
00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:16,500
That's why I wanted you to try
those on earlier. Turn around.

283
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,686
The picture can't happen today.
M y pimple is getting worse.

284
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,921
Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
Can you stand?

285
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:23,006
Yeah. Well, then the
picture's happening.

286
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:27,677
It's all anybody's gonna see. I
wouldn't be so sure about that.

287
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,348
Did you get a look at her dress?

288
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,767
What? Why would I look
at her dress? I love you.

289
00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:35,977
Uh, Mrs. Dunph y,
the sun is setting.

290
00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:38,647
Okay. Yeah, this is happening.
Everybody, come on. Let's go.

291
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:41,900
Be careful. I stained some
furniture out there this afternoon.

292
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:44,444
Of course you did, dad. Anything
else I need to know about?

293
00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:46,798
Maybe the neighbors on either
side are having a paintball fight.

294
00:15:46,822 --> 00:15:50,158
Now watch this. Dad, in his infinite
wisdom, stained furniture today.

295
00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:52,119
Don't touch it. It's wet.

296
00:15:52,244 --> 00:15:54,412
[ Claire] Hurry, hurry.
Put that down, sweetheart.

297
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:57,415
Okay. Okay, we got it.
Now we're gonna go out here.

298
00:15:57,499 --> 00:16:00,043
Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?

299
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,045
How do— how do you
turn the sprinklers off?

300
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,172
La y! Of course!
Because I'm latina,

301
00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:06,736
I'm supposed to know everything
about gardening and sprinklers!

302
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,052
You were here
when they installed it.

303
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:12,305
A y, yeah.
The box is across the yard.

304
00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:15,559
You mean your no w-soaking— wet
yard? That's great. We are screwed.

305
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:19,980
No, we're not. We haven't
unwrapped our secret weapon yet.

306
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:23,441
Luke walks over there,
hurt locker style...

307
00:16:23,525 --> 00:16:29,239
Flips the switch, and boom—
Or not boom— water off.

308
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,826
Put the “he” in “hero,” son.

309
00:16:39,416 --> 00:16:41,710
Hun' locker?
It's more like squirt locker.

310
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:47,465
Really? That wasn't funny?
I actually pity you guys.

311
00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:49,259
[Clicking]

312
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,262
[ Cheering ]

313
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,514
No time to celebrate! Stop it!

314
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:57,267
We don't have a lot of time. [
Photographer] All right, everybody.

315
00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:59,662
If I can have the little ones
down front— you know what, sir?

316
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,373
If you don't mind, I've got this.
Come on, people, let's get out here.

317
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:04,566
Haley, Alex, I need you
to unwrap your brother.

318
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:07,152
All right, I need the dunphys
over on this side.

319
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:13,074
Dad, you're /n the middle.
Mitchell, cam, Lily on this end. Okay.

320
00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:14,659
Listen. Uh-huh?

321
00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:18,747
Honey, lscrewed up, but
ifever you're in my arms again...

322
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:21,267
Phil, not now. Yes, now. I
don't want to look at this picture...

323
00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,935
When I'm 80 years old
and you're long dead...

324
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,128
And know that you were angry
at me when we took it.

325
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,772
Phil, we'll talk about
what you did later.

326
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,506
Okay, everybody.
Eyes 0 ver here.

327
00:17:28,632 --> 00:17:32,719
I didn't do anything.
She kissed me. What?

328
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:34,679
Who kissed you? Gloria.

329
00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:37,140
What? It was the kiss cam.

330
00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:40,310
Why did you kiss cam? No, I
kissed Phil. He told me I had to.

331
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,312
No, no. Okay, hang on a second.

332
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,035
Was this before or after you
ignored the phone call from your wife?

333
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,108
You saw that too? Mmm.

334
00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:50,403
Could we please just take
the damn picture?

335
00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:52,739
Okay. Everybody, one more time.

336
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:55,617
Just so you know, I am
angry with you. I knew it!

337
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,911
- Oh, damn it!
- /t was a big day for me,

338
00:17:57,994 --> 00:18:00,264
and he didn't want to go
because he doesn't like small talk.

339
00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,207
Would it be terribly inconvenient...

340
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,376
To just postpone this hissy fit
for a few minutes?

341
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:07,420
- — Maybe some of us don't want to take a picture today.
- Thank you.

342
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:10,233
And please, Claire, don't try to make
Mitchell do something he doesn't wanna do.

343
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:12,425
Oh, shut up, cam.
[ Imitating wings flapping ]

344
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,636
Okay, stop it! Stop it!

345
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,389
Everyone, listen. This took
me forever to put together,

346
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:22,102
so I don't really care who kissed who
and who's got a pimple on her head...

347
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,205
And who is wearing an outrageously
inappropriate dress.

348
00:18:24,229 --> 00:18:28,108
We are gonna get together
and act like a normal family...

349
00:18:28,191 --> 00:18:31,486
For one—tenth of a freaking second,
and we're gonna do it right now.

350
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,572
Get your hands off of me.
No. No. Make me. Make me.

351
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:38,285
Ah, this is ridiculous.
You're both uptight about everything.

352
00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:42,622
You didn't want to go to a wedding with him
because you didn't want to make small talk?

353
00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:45,476
That's how I met Gloria. Do you
remember the first thing I said to you?

354
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:50,672
Yes. “I like chocolate,
I like fruit, but not together.”

355
00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:53,049
You couldn't come up
with that, Ivy league? And you.

356
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:56,803
You would be a lot happier if you weren't
so obsessed with everything being perfect.

357
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:59,889
Look at us here all in white.
What are we, a cricket team?

358
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:03,351
News flash.
Life is not perfect, Claire.

359
00:19:03,435 --> 00:19:05,395
Now calm the hell down.

360
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,356
Okay, dad, that's great, and
that's really easy for you to say.

361
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:12,277
But do you think I like
being like this? No, I don't.

362
00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:15,739
If you have some quick—and—easy fix,
why don't you just give it to me right now?

363
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:21,703
[All groaning] Oh.

364
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,080
Jay! Oh, my god.

365
00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:26,791
I— I got this, baby.

366
00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:31,921
No. What did— what did you
do? Now two people are dirty.

367
00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:36,217
Well, three.
Okay, you know what?

368
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:39,095
That's for “kitschy.” mud fight!

369
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:43,933
[ Claire] No. Don't do
that. No, no, no! Stop it!

370
00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:47,562
Everybody get back in line.
Come on, guys, stop.

371
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:52,067
- — [ Chattering, laughing]
- [ Claire] Damn it. Damn it! Guys!

372
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:56,237
Excuse me.
Are we still doing this?

373
00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:58,573
No. No, we're not.

374
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:05,288
[All laughing]

375
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:08,750
- Now we are.
- [ Gloria] We're ready!

376
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:12,462
[Laughing] Whoo-hoo!

377
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:15,965
- — Say “cheese.”
- say “cheese”!

378
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:19,844
[Jay] Back in '68, when / was
sweeping up hair in that barbershop,

379
00:20:19,928 --> 00:20:23,181
I had this mental picture of the
family that, if / was lucky enough,

380
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:27,227
one day / would end up with—
Perfect wife, perfect kids.

381
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:29,562
Guess what.
I didn't get any of that.

382
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,940
Wound up with this sorry bunch.

383
00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:35,360
And I'm thankful for that
every day.

384
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,529
Well, most days.

385
00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,572
I think I'm just gonna go
with the Elvis stuff.

386
00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:42,117
Yeah. I would.

387
00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:47,872
Uh, to the right. To the fight.

388
00:20:47,956 --> 00:20:49,749
A skosh to the left.

389
00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:52,502
There we go. [ Lnha/es ]

390
00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:56,256
Whatever. I'm gonna have to take the
picture down when I repaint the wall anyhow.

391
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:59,092
Kill me now. What?

392
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:01,928
J don't know how
I got so lucky j

393
00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:05,223
mm-hmm. I love you.

394
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:08,017
- — I love that picture.
- Yeah.

395
00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:13,815
- — Is that a chip on the frame right there?
- No. No.

396
00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,817
Icanseeit honey.

397
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:18,361
[Sighs]

398
00:21:23,199 --> 00:21:24,200
English - us — psdh