1
00:00:03,129 --> 00:00:05,381
Oh, my god, that is so freakin' funny.

2
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:07,800
- I know, right?
- What?

3
00:00:07,884 --> 00:00:09,510
Dad just wrote
another classic one.

4
00:00:09,594 --> 00:00:10,761
Oh. Tehheh

5
00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:13,764
I don't know about classic,
but— here we go.

6
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:16,475
If you're looking for a
two—story house, I'm your man.

7
00:00:16,559 --> 00:00:19,687
I'll tell you one story
before you buy it,

8
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:22,607
and then another story after.

9
00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:25,693
No, you didn't.

10
00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,322
Tonight is the scarb.

11
00:00:29,405 --> 00:00:32,325
The southern California
annual realtor's banquet.

12
00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,493
I think they know what it is.
Mm-hmm.

13
00:00:34,577 --> 00:00:38,414
It's the mother
of all residential real estate banquets.

14
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,583
Now, for the last five years
Gil thorpe has hosted,

15
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,335
but, as luck would have it,

16
00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,545
he's having a
sketchy—looking polyp removed,

17
00:00:44,629 --> 00:00:47,673
so they've asked me to f/'// in.

18
00:00:50,468 --> 00:00:52,011
See what I did? Oh, yeah.

19
00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:55,723
F///. You think I should open with
that? I— you betcha. You should.

20
00:00:56,974 --> 00:00:58,643
Phil is gonna bomb.

21
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,311
It's not that he's not fun.

22
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:03,231
He is so fun. He's just not funny.

23
00:01:03,314 --> 00:01:06,734
It's probably my fault,
because I laugh at all of hisjokes.

24
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,736
With my mouth,

25
00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:11,239
not with my eyes.

26
00:01:11,322 --> 00:01:14,575
“I see the great realtor
Margaret Wilson is here,

27
00:01:14,659 --> 00:01:17,787
looking more curvaceous than ever.

28
00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,623
Talk about your balloon payments.”

29
00:01:25,503 --> 00:01:29,090
Gloria, do we have to keep
this colomb/ia-braz/I soccer game?

30
00:01:29,173 --> 00:01:30,967
Yes. I haven't seen it yet.

31
00:01:31,050 --> 00:01:32,843
It's been sitting in there
for five months.

32
00:01:32,969 --> 00:01:35,388
I mean, I can tell you who wins.

33
00:01:35,471 --> 00:01:37,265
What about this two—hour
ant/ques roadshow?

34
00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:38,683
I'll watch it today.

35
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,935
Fine. I'm gonna play some golf.

36
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,896
No. What about mirabel's
daughter's qu/nceafiera?

37
00:01:44,981 --> 00:01:46,565
I honestly didn't get any of that.

38
00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,734
Mirabel? She works for you?

39
00:01:48,818 --> 00:01:50,319
Okay.

40
00:01:50,403 --> 00:01:52,947
Her daughter, rosalba,
is celebrating her quinceafiera,

41
00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:54,573
her 15th birthday.

42
00:01:54,657 --> 00:01:56,075
She invited us.

43
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,202
You're just going to ignore it.
Of course not.

44
00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:59,787
I get this all the time.

45
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,539
I throw it on my secretary's desk,

46
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,165
and she sends them an Omaha steak.

47
00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:05,584
Ay, Jay. What?

48
00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:07,503
Manny's right.

49
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:11,132
The quinceafiera is very important
in the Latin culture.

50
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:14,760
The moment the father dances
with his little Princess.

51
00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:18,472
Ay. I remember my own father
holding my hand.

52
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,059
There wasn't a dry eye in the cartel.

53
00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:23,894
But these people don't want me there.

54
00:02:23,978 --> 00:02:26,772
See, they're just being polite.
I'm the boss.

55
00:02:26,856 --> 00:02:29,775
That's what you tell yourself
so you can stay above them.

56
00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:32,945
You just throw them an Obama steak
and run to the golf course.

57
00:02:33,029 --> 00:02:34,697
I'm not trying
to stay above them.

58
00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:37,325
I just don't think I have
to go all arr/ba, arr/ba with them.

59
00:02:37,450 --> 00:02:39,493
'Cause you're better than
them? No. Of course not.

60
00:02:39,577 --> 00:02:41,329
I mean,
I'm better than some of them.

61
00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:43,497
Do you even know these people, Jay?
Hmm?

62
00:02:43,581 --> 00:02:45,750
Or they're just the backs you step on?

63
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,960
I know you like
to make me out as an elitist,

64
00:02:48,044 --> 00:02:50,046
but the truth is,
I'm close with these people.

65
00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,381
Then prove it.
Let's go to the party.

66
00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:55,634
Fine. One hour. You drive.

67
00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:59,597
'Cause I don't wanna give my valet ticket
to the wrong guy, have you all over me.

68
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,098
Ay, Jay.

69
00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:03,059
Where do you keep
popping out from?

70
00:03:03,142 --> 00:03:06,520
So cam has started
working out again, which is...

71
00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:08,105
It's-it's great.

72
00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:10,483
He '3 feeling good about himself

73
00:03:10,566 --> 00:03:12,943
and/ want him to be healthy,
so it is all good

74
00:03:13,069 --> 00:03:15,654
except for one thing.
Knock, knock.

75
00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:17,782
Look who's there.

76
00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:23,037
Maybe there's a person in this world
who looks good in bike shorts,

77
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,706
but my boyfriend
is not that person.

78
00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:29,960
And I can't tell him because
he gets incredibly sensitive...

79
00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:33,005
About even the tiniest comment
concerning his physique.

80
00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:36,425
Hey, I think I'm gonna take
this spin class tomorrow morning.

81
00:03:36,509 --> 00:03:38,010
Oh, sure.

82
00:03:38,094 --> 00:03:40,513
Oh, I get it. Message received.

83
00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:50,189
I didn't say anything!

84
00:03:54,527 --> 00:03:56,529
,/' hey, heyj

85
00:03:56,612 --> 00:03:58,572
,/' hey, heyj

86
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:00,574
,/' hey, heyj

87
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:02,660
,/' hey, heyj

88
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:03,953
j“ hey if

89
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,627
Okay, can't you just run
like a normal person?

90
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,130
What? It's troga. It's what?

91
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:16,882
You never heard of troga?
I hate it when you do that.

92
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,301
What?
“You never heard of troga?”

93
00:04:19,385 --> 00:04:21,011
“You never tried octopus?”

94
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:23,323
“You've never done this amazing
thing I just discovered yesterday...

95
00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:25,067
But I pretend like
I've done my whole life?”

96
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:28,894
So troga is treadmill yoga.

97
00:04:28,978 --> 00:04:30,396
It's de n'gueur.

98
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,106
It's de—dorky.

99
00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,066
What is your deal today?

100
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,110
I'm sorry.

101
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,946
Phil is hosting that thing tonight,
and he's been writing jokes.

102
00:04:39,071 --> 00:04:41,198
Ooh, yikes. I know.

103
00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:44,511
And I'm worried he's gonna humiliate himself
in front of all those important people.

104
00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,328
I can't say anything because—
No. No.

105
00:04:46,412 --> 00:04:47,538
I get it. I get it.

106
00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,957
Because it would hurt him even
more coming from you. Yeah.

107
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,185
I'm kinda going through something similar
with cam right now.

108
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,170
Why?
He's started exercising again.

109
00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:57,631
That's good for him.
Yeah. He's wearing bike shorts.

110
00:04:57,715 --> 00:04:59,175
That's bad for you.

111
00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:02,261
And I'm the last person who
could say anything because he...

112
00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:04,221
Okay, wait. No,
no, all right— no.

113
00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:06,056
You know the movie
strangers on a train?

114
00:05:06,182 --> 00:05:08,851
I never saw it.
You've never seen strangers on a...

115
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,644
I'm sorry. Great film.

116
00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:14,648
But it's these guys who both discover
that they want someone out of their lives.

117
00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:17,276
Uh—huh. So one of the guys
proposes the perfect crime.

118
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:20,070
They will do each other's murders.

119
00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:22,156
We should do that.

120
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:24,492
All right, so I would tell cam
to lose the bike shorts?

121
00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:26,076
Keeping me out of it.

122
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,454
And I tell Phil to lose the jokes.

123
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:29,955
I like it. I'm in.

124
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,707
All right. I am in.

125
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,667
Hey, MacKenzie, s'up? It's Alex.

126
00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,419
Hey, so, I was thinking later we...

127
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,046
Oh, no. Whatever you want.

128
00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,882
Call me later, or I'll call you later or...

129
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,010
So who's MacKenzie?

130
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,595
You don't know her.

131
00:05:45,763 --> 00:05:48,557
Oh, / know
mackenzie— cute, popular.

132
00:05:48,641 --> 00:05:51,852
I am MacKenzie.
I invented MacKenzie.

133
00:05:51,936 --> 00:05:55,356
And the way she's
making my sister run around...

134
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:59,068
It's kinda funny,
but I can't have it.

135
00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:00,819
It's bad for the family.

136
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,743
What are you doing?
I was about to call...

137
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,871
MacKenzie? Yeah, I know.
Now shut up and let me help you.

138
00:06:10,955 --> 00:06:12,998
The world is divided
into two groups:

139
00:06:13,082 --> 00:06:15,084
Cool girls and girls like you.

140
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:17,545
And you have been given
a rare opportunity...

141
00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:19,547
To move from the former
to the latter.

142
00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:21,191
- — The latter to the former.
- Whatever.

143
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:22,716
Oh, my god, you're such a geek.

144
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,511
Now, do you want to be smart,
or do you want to be popular?

145
00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:29,265
I think I wanna be popular.

146
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,849
Of course you do.

147
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:32,893
You just can't be so obvious
about it.

148
00:06:32,977 --> 00:06:34,937
You've given MacKenzie
way too much power,

149
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,106
and you need to take
some of that power back.

150
00:06:37,189 --> 00:06:38,857
Ifsheh

151
00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:41,485
give me the phone.
Here's what you're gonna say.

152
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,296
“Hey, MacKenzie. I'm busy.
Call me back later.”

153
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,781
Then you hang up. No way.

154
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:47,825
Then you're not
getting the phone back.

155
00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:50,703
Just give it to me. “Hey, MacKenzie.
I'm busy. Call me back later.”

156
00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,454
- — Then you hang up.
- I can't.

157
00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:53,122
- Do it.
- No!

158
00:06:53,205 --> 00:06:54,373
Do it! Okay!

159
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:55,916
Damn you!

160
00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:00,170
Hey, MacKenzie. I'm busy.
Call me back later.

161
00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,925
That was hard.

162
00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:07,845
If it was easy,
everyone would be popular.

163
00:07:12,308 --> 00:07:13,767
[ Claire I knock, knock.

164
00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:16,937
Come on in. It's open.

165
00:07:17,021 --> 00:07:19,982
Hey. I just wanted to drop off
these old baby clothes for Lily.

166
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,109
Oh, that's right.
You're so sweet.

167
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:24,403
I hope I didn't come
atabadfime. Not at all.

168
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:28,574
I was just deciding where to take Lily
for our bike ride— the lake or the park.

169
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,159
I'm leaning towards the park.

170
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,828
I can see that.

171
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,913
You didn't have to do that.

172
00:07:35,039 --> 00:07:38,959
You guys are a touch 0' class.

173
00:07:39,043 --> 00:07:41,086
Well, it is a big night
for you, so...

174
00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:43,922
French. Those guys.

175
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,050
So have you given any thought
to what you might say?

176
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,069
Actually, I'm trying not
to think about my act right now.

177
00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:50,971
- I'm kinda fighting the old butterflies, to be honest.
- Oh, come on.

178
00:07:51,055 --> 00:07:55,309
That's normal. I hear the Jonas
brothers get scared before every concert.

179
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:58,270
Not Kevin? The guy's a rock.

180
00:07:58,354 --> 00:08:00,105
Especially Kevin.

181
00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:02,650
Ugh! I can't believe
I ever bought this for Alex.

182
00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,652
I wish somebody
had said something.

183
00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:06,737
Oh, come on.
That was probably cute 10 years ago.

184
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,031
No. No, it never was.

185
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,533
And you know, I'm the exact
same way about my clothes.

186
00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:13,619
Most of the time, great,
but every now and again,

187
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:19,667
there's that one outfit I just wish
somebody would be honest with me and say,

188
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:23,545
“what you're wearing
isn't appropriate.”

189
00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:25,297
Do you know what I mean?

190
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:28,133
I think I do, Claire. I
think I do. Mm-hmm.

191
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,719
And my answer is yes. Okay.

192
00:08:30,803 --> 00:08:32,888
I would love to dress you.

193
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,265
No, I don't want you to dress me.

194
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:38,185
No. And I owe it
to you to be honest,

195
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:41,939
so I'm just gonna say that you
need to lose the bicycle shorts.

196
00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:46,610
Excuse me? They're
not working for you, cam.

197
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:48,487
Please don't take this personally.

198
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,906
I mean, nobody looks good
in bike shorts.

199
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:54,034
Ijust— I feel that I owe it
to you to be honest.

200
00:08:54,118 --> 00:08:55,828
So, we're good, right?

201
00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:57,413
We're great. We're great.

202
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,123
We're great. Great. Okay.

203
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,585
You should probably
just show yourself out.

204
00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,379
I hear some crying
down the hallway.

205
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,816
Look at that— that's a good
dad, because you've got a baby...

206
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,550
And you hear every little sound.

207
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:12,720
I would've— I wouldn't have
even noticed... crying.

208
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:20,227
No. Okay. All right. All you
need to know about this one...

209
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:22,980
Is that skip woosnum is a
well-known realtor— mm-hmm.

210
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,273
- — And he's old.
- Got it.

211
00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:27,901
Skip woosnum, realtor, old.
Here we go.

212
00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:31,280
I'm not saying
realtor skip woosnum is old,

213
00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:34,283
but the first property
he ever sold...

214
00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:35,868
Was a cave.

215
00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,247
You're not, uh— not laughing.

216
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,624
Why aren't you laughing, uncle Mitchell?

217
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:45,311
Because he doesn't think it's funny.
Or maybe you don't think I'm funny.

218
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,838
Is that what you're
saying, Mitch? No, it's...

219
00:09:50,466 --> 00:09:51,884
I just got it.

220
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,844
Oh, my. That's— oh.

221
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,305
Cave.

222
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,348
Yes. Yes.
That one's kind of a thinker.

223
00:09:58,474 --> 00:10:01,143
Jy

224
00:10:04,188 --> 00:10:06,064
Here he is.

225
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,025
All right, now.
Knock it off, Jay.

226
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,736
You don't know anyone's
name here. Are you kidding me?

227
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,362
Carlos!

228
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,074
Lucky guess.

229
00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:18,535
I'm lucky only one turned around.

230
00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:21,371
Listen, I need a favor.

231
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:24,082
I overestimated the number
of people I know at this party.

232
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:29,046
So you go around, introduce
yourself, and I'll hear the names.

233
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,799
You realize you're asking me
to help prove my own mother wrong?

234
00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:33,967
I'll pay two bucks
per introduction.

235
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:37,221
All right, that's Ramona.
She's crazy for bingo. Ramona.

236
00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:56,990
Gloria. Stop being such a snob.

237
00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:59,451
Come over and meet
my friend Julio and his wife.

238
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:02,746
I'm sorry. Your
name again? I 5 que?

239
00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,748
I think you're really
gonna hit it off with Kay.

240
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:06,250
Mm-hmm.

241
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,338
She's gonna tell me
how to dress?

242
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:13,301
She oughta stick to things
she knows more about,

243
00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:15,050
like overcooking salmon.
Okay, wait.

244
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:18,178
She actually said that you
don't look good in bicycle shorts.

245
00:11:18,262 --> 00:11:19,763
Yes.

246
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:23,225
You don't look good
in bicycle shorts.

247
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,435
Madness.

248
00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:28,605
Oh, and here she is. Okay,
you know what? I can't be here.

249
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,566
I'm going out for air.
Yes. Yes. Go.

250
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:32,860
This could get ugly.

251
00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:34,486
Hello, Claire.

252
00:11:34,570 --> 00:11:37,072
You are a gutless weasel.

253
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:39,783
Oh, yeah, no, I heard
what you said to my boyfriend.

254
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,827
You told Phil he was hysterical.

255
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:44,371
You said he was
this generation's Richard pryor.

256
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:47,958
Well, I am not the one
that you need to apologize to.

257
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:51,169
What are you babbling about?
You owe me a murder.

258
00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:54,131
Okay, Claire, I couldn't do it.

259
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,799
I couldn't crush Phil's dreams.

260
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,343
We had a deal.
I told cam about the bike shorts.

261
00:11:58,427 --> 00:12:00,262
No. No.

262
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,681
The deal was to get cam
to take off the bike shorts.

263
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:05,767
But guess what?
He is still in the stupid bike shorts.

264
00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:07,394
Can I call you back?

265
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:10,564
Turns out cam was here the whole
time, and he just heard everything I said.

266
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,649
Oh. Did he just run
into the bedroom and cry?

267
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,794
Yes, 'cause that's what all
gay men do.

268
00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:16,987
We all dissolve into...

269
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:19,197
Yes, that is what he did.

270
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,747
There are challenging moments
in every marriage.

271
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,791
Um, having to tell your husband
that he's not funny,

272
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:32,961
so that he won't humiliate himself
has to be one of the toughest.

273
00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:40,010
So I went a different way.

274
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,888
Stop talking.

275
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:45,432
I just need some time
for this wound to become a scar.

276
00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,601
I'm sorry I got
Claire involved, but...

277
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,353
And this is not a criticism...

278
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:53,148
But sometimes you can be a little
sensitive about your appearance.

279
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:54,900
Well, this is a criticism.

280
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:57,819
Sometimes you can be
insensitive about everything.

281
00:12:57,903 --> 00:13:00,739
Oh, my— cam, I just feel like
our relationship's strong enough...

282
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,449
To survive a little candor.

283
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:05,386
Look, you could tell me if there's
something about me you'd like to change.

284
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,995
I hate your beard.

285
00:13:07,079 --> 00:13:09,790
Wow. Well, you had that bullet
in the chamber.

286
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:13,043
I never said anything
because I never wanted to hurt you,

287
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,712
but I've always found
your beard off-putting.

288
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,345
See? Hurts.

289
00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:28,266
Mitchell?

290
00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:30,268
Mitchell, get back here!

291
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:35,023
What are you doing?

292
00:13:35,107 --> 00:13:37,859
I'm shaving off the beard.
Seriously?

293
00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:41,863
Yeah. The man I love
doesn't like it, so off it goes.

294
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,281
Well, good. Good.

295
00:13:43,407 --> 00:13:45,158
Great. Great. Okay.

296
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:50,247
One, two, three...

297
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:53,667
Wait!

298
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,853
The fact that you're willing to do it
is enough for me.

299
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,587
I love your beard.

300
00:13:57,671 --> 00:14:00,716
I love that when you drink cappuccino
you get foam in it,

301
00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:03,802
and when you're nervous
your little hairs twitch.

302
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:07,139
You couldn't have told me
before I took a notch out?

303
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,016
I'm sorry. I—I...

304
00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:11,268
Listen, I know...

305
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:14,646
I can be touchy about... this,

306
00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:17,065
but you're this amazing—looking guy and...

307
00:14:17,149 --> 00:14:19,401
I am not amazing...

308
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,362
Uh, really?
I wouldn't change anything.

309
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,534
You should know that
every day I wake up...

310
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,411
Very grateful
to have you in my life.

311
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,246
I'm the one who got lucky,
handsome.

312
00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:33,165
Maybe I just don't show it enough.

313
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:35,959
You can make it up to me
by doing my shoulders.

314
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,544
Sure.

315
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:45,844
I meant a massage.
What are you saying?

316
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:48,305
Oh, Mitchell. Mitchell.

317
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:56,730
- — It's MacKenzie.
- Again.

318
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:59,584
She wants me to come to this party
she's throwing. She texted me earlier.

319
00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:01,860
You texted her back,
right? — No.

320
00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:05,739
Wow. I'm... proud?

321
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,908
Tell her you'll try
and come— right.

322
00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:11,286
And then when she says—
Haley, I got this.

323
00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:13,997
Hey.

324
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,373
Who's this?

325
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:16,917
Brilliant.

326
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,128
No, I didn't see it.
I get a lot of texts.

327
00:15:20,212 --> 00:15:23,548
I have a sister.

328
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:26,009
When's the party?

329
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,095
I'll try and come.

330
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:30,555
You know, I'm kinda busy.
I have a life.

331
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:33,225
You know, stuff. Homework.

332
00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:34,768
Uh-oh.

333
00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:38,313
I mean not homework—
It's not work if you love it.

334
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,649
- — Oh, god. Hang up, hang up.
- Shut up!

335
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:43,610
Not you, MacKenzie. — drop
the phone and kick it over here.

336
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,904
Um, I have to go.
I'll call you later...

337
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,614
Or you call me later.

338
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:48,824
Love you.

339
00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:55,122
They were right in here. I know,
and we looked everywhere, honey.

340
00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:56,790
So, just calm down.

341
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:58,333
Are you kidding me? Calm down?

342
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:01,545
In one minute I'm gonna be
standing up there like— like a...

343
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,631
Oh my god, I have
no material at all. Okay.

344
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,466
You're gonna be fine.
You don't need jokes.

345
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:09,177
Listen to me. Honey, get up there,
be your charming self.

346
00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:12,180
Make the introductions
from your heart and get out.

347
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,033
Realtors' banquet.
You're gonna be amazing.

348
00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:16,393
And now your host,
Phil Dunphy. Okay?

349
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,228
Go. Go.

350
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,116
Good evening.

351
00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:35,954
I would not be here tonight if not for the
hard work of the scarb board of trustees...

352
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,664
I didn't have my jokes.

353
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:40,417
What choice does a guy have
but to play it straight?

354
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,128
The support of my family,

355
00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:46,590
and Gil thorpe's colon.

356
00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:56,808
But Phil Dunphy
is no straight guy.

357
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:02,397
So many giants of residential real estate
here tonight.

358
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,566
And of course, j.J. Mccubbin.

359
00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:11,198
I'm not saying j.J. Is small,

360
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:15,118
but in the realty section,
he was described as “charming.”

361
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,748
Mark Simon, you out there?

362
00:17:19,831 --> 00:17:22,709
There's Mark. How are you, buddy?

363
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,253
Mark recently
moved into a new model.

364
00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:27,005
How are you, Francine?

365
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:33,637
I kid Mark Simon.
I kid Mark Simon. He knows...

366
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,807
Francito, little Manuel and Carlos,
my wife, Gloria.

367
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,476
Nice to meet you.

368
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,728
We have to talk. UN momento.

369
00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:45,440
You know, I can't believe
you never met them.

370
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:47,400
You've never met
any of these people.

371
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,236
You don't know anyone
in this room.

372
00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:51,988
I/a'monos, Jay. I'm not leaving
before the father/daughter dance.

373
00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:55,242
And “these people,” as you call them,
are not just employees.

374
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,993
They're mi fami/ia, or my family.

375
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,870
I know what mifam/lia is, Jay.

376
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:02,666
Oh, I was afraid of this.

377
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:10,340
Hold this for me. No, Jay. No.

378
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:12,676
Thank you.

379
00:18:12,801 --> 00:18:15,720
Thank you. Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen. Thank you very much.

380
00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:17,430
I'm gonna make this brief.

381
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:20,016
I know a lot of you out there
don't even know who I am.

382
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:24,396
As my lovely wife, Gloria, pointed
out, that's my fault, not yours.

383
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:26,815
I'm Jay pritchett— e/jefe.

384
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,111
Listen, on this very,
very happy occasion,

385
00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:33,571
I'd like to pick up
the tab on the bar.

386
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:38,660
Thank you.

387
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:42,414
You know, when I started
this company, .w

388
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:44,582
The first thing that I— what?

389
00:18:44,666 --> 00:18:47,419
Oh, right. Right.
This is not about me.

390
00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:49,713
This is about
a very special young lady...

391
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,882
And the man who loves her
more than anyone else on earth.

392
00:18:57,721 --> 00:18:59,389
Isn't that lovely?

393
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,183
That's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

394
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:05,979
You know, I'm reminded of when
I used to dance with my little girl.

395
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:07,731
But not like that.

396
00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,777
Slow down there, muchacho.

397
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:16,632
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no.

398
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,283
What? Are you applauding this?

399
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:19,451
You're applauding this?

400
00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:21,369
I don't care
what kind of tradition this is.

401
00:19:21,453 --> 00:19:23,038
This is gonna stop.

402
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,557
- Hey, hey, hey. No.
- Por favor.

403
00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:26,862
What? Am I the only one seeing
this? I/amos, vamos, vamos.

404
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,669
I mean, honey,
I am not kidding when I tell you...

405
00:19:29,753 --> 00:19:32,297
There was a woman next to me
gasping for breath.

406
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:35,216
Seriously, you were
so freaking funny, Phil.

407
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,595
I have seen professional comedians
who could never have done that.

408
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,096
You were unbeliev...

409
00:19:41,556 --> 00:19:43,516
I know it was you, Claire.

410
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,769
You stole my index cards.

411
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:50,023
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

412
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:52,192
I thought I was protecting you,

413
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:54,819
and if my plan had been successful...

414
00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:58,281
I would have robbed you
of the greatest night ever.

415
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:01,326
I'm sorry. I'm awful.

416
00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,828
You're not awful. Mm-hmm.

417
00:20:03,912 --> 00:20:05,080
Claire,

418
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:08,041
I love that you're
looking out for me,

419
00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:10,126
and I know why
you worry about me,

420
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,254
but I knew I had this tonight.

421
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,384
I know.

422
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,677
Sometimes I just think
my job is to make sure...

423
00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:21,596
You guys don't fall on your faces.

424
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,556
That's a hard job
in the Dunphy house.

425
00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:27,560
I know. We fall a lot.

426
00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:31,022
Maybe your real job is to be
the person who picks us back up.

427
00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:35,360
Nobodydoesthat better
than you. Thank you.

428
00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:40,865
Alex.

429
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:43,660
I have no friends.

430
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,455
You're on the clock. Mmm.

431
00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:53,503
All right.

432
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,423
What happened?

433
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,098
Oh my gosh, mom,
you're killing me.

434
00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:06,641
It's pretty good, right?

435
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,685
Pretty good?
You could be, like, in Vegas.

436
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,895
- Well— I don't know.
- What's going on there?

437
00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:12,439
Mom does
the funniest impression...

438
00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:14,357
Of that weird lady
at the supermarket.

439
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:16,818
Oh, yeah, I know her.
Let's hear it.

440
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:19,028
Okay. Um...

441
00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:22,740
“It's cheaper
if you buy two jars of pickles.”

442
00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:28,246
It's like she's right here.
Yeah.

443
00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:30,039
Totally like she's
right here. Yeah.

444
00:21:30,123 --> 00:21:32,000
It's not what she sounds like.

445
00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:37,839
English - us - psdh