1
00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:05,464
[ Dog barking ]

2
00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:08,134
Mom, the dog again.

3
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:10,928
I know, pap/z I want to
strangle that crazy old thing.

4
00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:12,722
Just ignore it.

5
00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:15,200
It's easy for you to ignore because
you have the old-man hearing.

6
00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:17,435
But Manny and I,
we have the young ears.

7
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,437
I don't get how one dog
keeps you awake...

8
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,356
When you grew up sleeping
through cockfights and revolutions.

9
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,233
[ Mock laugh ] Very funny, Jay.

10
00:00:24,317 --> 00:00:26,611
Manny hasn't been able
to sleep in weeks.

11
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:29,572
It's screwing his brain for school,
and it doesn't stop.

12
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:32,575
It's goes on and on and on and
on and on and on and on and on!

13
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:35,703
Yes! That could be annoying.

14
00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:38,206
- — [ Barking continues]
- That's it. I'm going over there.

15
00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:40,208
Gloria, now don't go
starting something.

16
00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:42,210
Because whenever you do,
I'm the one that...

17
00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,670
That she couldn't hear.

18
00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,382
[Murmuring] [ Door opens ]

19
00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:49,800
They're gone. Cam.

20
00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,386
- — All the children are gone.
- What children?

21
00:00:52,470 --> 00:00:54,347
I was running in the park,
and I noticed...

22
00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:56,575
That none of the kids Lily
usually plays with were there.

23
00:00:56,599 --> 00:00:58,660
- Well, it's still early.
- But then I ran into Lori.

24
00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:00,186
Boobs Lori or adult braces Lori?

25
00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:01,979
- — Great shoes Lori.
- Oh, I like her.

26
00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:04,232
She said that they all
sent their kids to preschool.

27
00:01:04,315 --> 00:01:07,026
What? We agreed
to wait till next year.

28
00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:10,238
It was a fake—out to make sure
that their kids got a spot.

29
00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:12,031
Those skinny bitches.

30
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:14,867
We have got to get her into school,
or else she's gonna fall behind.

31
00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:17,119
Don't you think I know that?
This is perfect.

32
00:01:17,203 --> 00:01:20,831
Leave it to the gays to raise the only
underachieving Asian in america.

33
00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:25,753
[Video game beeping ]
Hey. Here you go.

34
00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:28,589
Guys, breakfast. Guys?

35
00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,424
Phil. Hello. Totally with you.

36
00:01:30,508 --> 00:01:32,468
Kids, put your dishes
in the dishwasher.

37
00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:34,053
Okay, no. That's it.

38
00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,596
Everybody, gadgets down. Now!

39
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,348
Why are you freaking out?

40
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,201
Because you're all so involved
with your little gizmos,

41
00:01:39,225 --> 00:01:40,726
nobody is even talking.

42
00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:42,603
Families are supposed to talk.

43
00:01:42,687 --> 00:01:44,855
What are you doing
that's so important?

44
00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:47,358
Oh, I'm looking in my
fantasy roster. I'm unbeatable.

45
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,443
We're totally getting
an aboveground pool.

46
00:01:49,527 --> 00:01:51,070
Die, stupid! Die!

47
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:53,340
[ Game beeping ] Luke, I
told you to put that down. Now.

48
00:01:53,364 --> 00:01:54,865
Come on, buddy. One second.

49
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,177
- — I'm about to beat dad's record.
- You heard your mother.

50
00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:58,536
[ Laughing]

51
00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:01,372
What is so funny?
[Alex] Nothing.

52
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:02,915
“Mom's insane.”

53
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,209
Thank you, Haley.
At least we talk.

54
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,295
[Cell phone rings, beeps] Hello.

55
00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:10,047
Hey, it's me.
What's a good preschool?

56
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:13,301
- — Our kids went to wagon wheel.
- And it was good? You liked it?

57
00:02:13,384 --> 00:02:15,970
My kids are middle—management
material at best.

58
00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,972
We didn't want to waste
a lot of money.

59
00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:20,725
Yes, Mitchell, it's good.
Why the interest?

60
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,036
I just realized all of Lily's friends
are going to school this year,

61
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,770
and now she's late.

62
00:02:24,854 --> 00:02:26,694
Don't worry. She can wait
another year. Just...

63
00:02:26,731 --> 00:02:29,358
Buy her a BlackBerry. That's all
she's gonna want to do anyway.

64
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,736
What did she say? She
says to buy her a BlackBerry.

65
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:35,740
Lily doesn't have the dexterity
for that, Claire. What is happening?

66
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,701
Can you just check with your school
and see if maybe you can get us in?

67
00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:41,704
Hmm, I— I can probably
get you an interview.

68
00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:43,289
Oh, no, that's great.
That's great.

69
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:44,874
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.

70
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:48,210
And by the way, what do you think
of that place— billingsley academy?

71
00:02:48,294 --> 00:02:50,296
Ooh, billingsley.
Very hoity-toity.

72
00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:53,966
You can't get in there unless you're really
rich or you know somebody on the board.

73
00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:57,678
- Oh, god. This is a nightmare.
- Mitch, it's preschool. Don't overthink it.

74
00:02:57,762 --> 00:03:00,806
My kids didn't go to billingsley,
and they are fine.

75
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,933
[Video game beeping ] [Slurping]

76
00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:04,935
I have to go.
[ Cell phone beeps]

77
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:07,313
Phil.

78
00:03:09,065 --> 00:03:10,816
That's awesome.

79
00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,486
,/' hey, heyj

80
00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:15,654
,/' hey, heyj

81
00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:17,615
,/' hey, heyj

82
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,742
,/' hey, heyj

83
00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:20,993
j“ hey if

84
00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:25,331
[ dog barking ]

85
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,959
- — Buenos dies.
- Hi.

86
00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:32,254
We haven't formally met. I'm
Gloria pritchett from next door.

87
00:03:32,338 --> 00:03:34,131
Larry Paulson.
Yeah, I've seen you.

88
00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:36,675
Lucky guy. Wait a
minute, then tell me.

89
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:40,179
Your dog doesn't stop barking—
All morning, all night.

90
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:42,640
He wakes my son up,
and he needs his sleep.

91
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,059
It's not my dog.
It's my soon-to-be ex-wife's.

92
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:47,645
- — She moved out three weeks ago.
- Is she coming back for it?

93
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,897
Not unless it starts
crapping money.

94
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,192
- — You need to do something about the dog.
- The dog is old and stupid.

95
00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:56,654
Who are you really mad at, larry—
The dog or your wife?

96
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,948
- Who the hell is this kid?
- There's no need for that.

97
00:03:59,031 --> 00:04:00,741
I'll tell you who he is.

98
00:04:00,825 --> 00:04:02,576
His name is
shut up your damn dog!

99
00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:05,037
You know what's ironic?
You come over here complaining,

100
00:04:05,121 --> 00:04:06,831
and I have never once
said a word...

101
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:09,333
About that obnoxious parrot of yours
that's always squawking.

102
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,919
Parrot? What parrot?

103
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:12,711
Jay!

104
00:04:12,795 --> 00:04:13,379
Jay!

105
00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:14,672
Jay!

106
00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:19,301
What is he talking about? What
parrot? How the hell do I know?

107
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,095
What do we do now?
Nothing. We did it.

108
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:23,222
He heard us.
He didn't heard nothing.

109
00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:25,433
Jay, don't go. Jay!

110
00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:27,226
Jayljay!

111
00:04:27,309 --> 00:04:30,771
[Car alarm honking ]
[ Dog barking loudly]

112
00:04:30,855 --> 00:04:32,523
We have called this
family meeting...

113
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,108
Because the personal electronics...

114
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:35,693
Have gotten out of control.

115
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:39,113
Starting today, there's going to be
a one—week ban on all cell phones...

116
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,615
- — [ Whimpers]
- Texting, I.M.'Ing,

117
00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:43,909
video chatting, video gaming,
anything on the Internet.

118
00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:46,370
- — How am I supposed to do my homework?
- The way I did.

119
00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:47,997
With a chisel
and a piece of stone.

120
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:49,748
Phil. Can't unplug
my funny bone.

121
00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:51,792
I have a huge science paper due.

122
00:04:51,876 --> 00:04:55,129
And we have a great set
of encyclopedias... somewhere.

123
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:56,964
What do you think
the public library is for?

124
00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:59,216
I thought that was the
bathroom for homeless people.

125
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:00,468
Mm-mmm.

126
00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,219
Can I still play
plants versus zombies?

127
00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:04,013
Are you not listening?

128
00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:05,931
But you learn about
plants. Mm-hmm.

129
00:05:06,015 --> 00:05:07,933
And plants are life.

130
00:05:08,017 --> 00:05:09,935
Are you against life?

131
00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:13,105
- — How am I supposed to talk to my friends?
- Talk to them at school.

132
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:15,733
Or at a juice bar.
Or on the house phone.

133
00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:18,128
Nobody even knows our number.
I don't even know our number.

134
00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,130
- — You're saying dad's not gonna go online?
- Yep.

135
00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,363
Dad. That's right.

136
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:23,324
What about fantasy
football? Not a problem.

137
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:25,117
My team's set this week.

138
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:28,496
I am completely on board your
mother's horse and buggy to yesteryear.

139
00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:31,832
For the next week, I may as
well be amish— jebediah Dunphy.

140
00:05:31,916 --> 00:05:34,960
Raisin' barns, witnessin' murders,
makin' electric fireplace hearths.

141
00:05:35,044 --> 00:05:37,087
[ Groans ] This is so unfair!

142
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:41,550
You know what? We're gonna
make this fun, turn it into a game.

143
00:05:41,634 --> 00:05:43,886
Whoever stays unplugged
the longest wins.

144
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,889
- Not what I had in mind, Phil.
- What do we win?

145
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:47,407
- — What do you want?
- A new computer.

146
00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:49,058
[Alex chuckles ] Done!

147
00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:51,995
We're gonna get them off of electronics
with the promise of more electronics?

148
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,146
- — I want chicken pot pie.
- And chicken.

149
00:05:54,230 --> 00:05:55,814
- — I want a car.
- No way!

150
00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:57,525
- Done!
- I'm getting a car!

151
00:05:57,608 --> 00:06:01,445
- Yeah! Fun, right?
- No, no, no! Phil, we cannot afford a third car.

152
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:04,198
Relax. They're never gonna
last as long as us.

153
00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:07,201
Oh, honey, don't take this
the wrong way,

154
00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:09,286
but I have almost
no faith in you.

155
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:14,291
[Children playing]

156
00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:17,920
Joanie will be right out. She'sjust
finishing up another interview.

157
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,213
Thank you. Thank you.

158
00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:20,941
[Woman ] You're welcome.
I really like this place.

159
00:06:20,965 --> 00:06:22,424
I know.
Look at all these drawings.

160
00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:24,134
Did you see the duckies
in the yard?

161
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:25,386
I know. Lily loves duckies.

162
00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:26,971
I'm gonna mention that.
Well, do.

163
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,448
Because that's really gonna—
[ Clicks tongue]

164
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,182
Set her apart
from the rest of the kids.

165
00:06:30,266 --> 00:06:33,269
We should also mention how she always
perks up when we watch Charlie Rose.

166
00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:35,271
That was one time.
He was interviewing elmo.

167
00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:37,398
You boys ought to relax.

168
00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:41,068
Oh, I'm sorry. We just— we really
want to make a good impression.

169
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:44,530
Hmm. Gay adoptive parents
with a minority baby?

170
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:47,157
Sugars, you can get
into any school you want.

171
00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:50,119
I'm sorry. Really? Oh,
you didn't know that?

172
00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,912
[Laughs] Oh, yeah.

173
00:06:51,996 --> 00:06:54,790
All of these schools like
to brag about their diversity.

174
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:57,585
You're diverse times three—
In demand.

175
00:06:57,668 --> 00:06:59,503
You're like Jimmy buffett tickets...

176
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,880
To these hybrid—driving,
straight white folks.

177
00:07:01,964 --> 00:07:04,341
[ Chuckles ] I hear that, girl.

178
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,385
Yeah.

179
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,387
[ Doorbell ringing]

180
00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:10,556
I'm coming!

181
00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:15,394
Where the hell's the dog?

182
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,062
[Cmona] 
hoisfi? Ifsournemhbon

183
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,481
the dog is gone.
Maybe it ran away.

184
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:21,984
It was chained to a tree.
Maybe your wife took it.

185
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,111
According to my credit card,
my wife is in Europe,

186
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,113
searching for the world's
most expensive hotel.

187
00:07:26,238 --> 00:07:28,758
Then what do you want from us? You
come over complaining about the dog.

188
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,701
And the next day it's gone?
You tell me.

189
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,953
I'll tell— how dare you?

190
00:07:33,037 --> 00:07:36,081
You come to our house,
you ring our bell many times,

191
00:07:36,165 --> 00:07:38,417
and you accuse us
of taking your dog!

192
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:40,061
You should go home.
We're not done here.

193
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,211
Yes, we are.

194
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,799
- — What did you do?
- You don't want to know.

195
00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:49,279
[I Jay] Gloria's grandfather
and uncles were butchers,

196
00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:52,264
so she's always had a certain
comfort level when it comes to...

197
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:54,892
Killing.

198
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,685
One time, we had this rat.

199
00:07:56,769 --> 00:07:58,646
What? First you smash it.

200
00:07:58,729 --> 00:08:00,606
[ Splatters ]
Then you cut the head off.

201
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,691
- — [ Squishes ]
- It was llke nothing to her.

202
00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:03,942
I go to church now.

203
00:08:05,778 --> 00:08:09,573
She left the head out there
to send a message to the other rats.

204
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:12,326
- [ Phil ] Hey!
- Hi, honey. How was your day at work?

205
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:15,120
Amazing. Great. What happened?

206
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:18,624
Instead of wasting my lunch hour
surfing the web, checking football stats,

207
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:21,543
I put on some mellow music
and I meditated.

208
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,754
Wow. For how long?
I have no idea.

209
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,839
I just woke up 20 minutes ago.

210
00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:30,135
Hey, mom. I need a bar of soap
and a black marker for an art project.

211
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:35,265
Okay, well, the marker's over there,
and the soap is under the sink.

212
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:38,394
Isn't it great how much time you have
now that you're not wasting it online?

213
00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:41,480
Oh, my god. Is this what
you always sound like?

214
00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:44,775
Look what I built, dad.
Dunphy towers.

215
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,903
200 condos—
A happy family in every one.

216
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,988
Way to go, buddy.

217
00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,759
I gotta hand it to you, honey.
Twenty—four hours without video games,

218
00:08:52,783 --> 00:08:54,702
he's already contributing
to society.

219
00:08:54,785 --> 00:08:56,036
Die! Die!

220
00:08:58,122 --> 00:08:59,873
To be fair, he's using
his imagination.

221
00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:02,477
[ High—pitched voice ] There's
no fire escapes! They cut corners!

222
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:04,002
[ Normal voice]
I'll cut your corners!

223
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,047
[ Clattering ]

224
00:09:07,131 --> 00:09:09,049
[ Phone rings]

225
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,467
[Beeps] Heho?

226
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,678
Oh, hi.
Luke, honey, it's for you.

227
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,680
Hi, Griffin. How are you?

228
00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:17,683
Yeah, he's right here. Hold on.

229
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:20,269
Hey, Griffin.

230
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:21,478
Oh, my god.

231
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:22,789
- — [ Phone beeps ]
- What happened?

232
00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:25,441
There's a parasailing
donkey video on YouTube.

233
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:27,401
Oh, my god! Wait.

234
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,194
Luke, what about the contest?

235
00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:31,655
I quit. I'm not made
of stone, you know.

236
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,116
[ Door slams] — [Alex
grunts] I can't believe it.

237
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,535
I got a “b” on my paper.

238
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,328
Goodforyou yeah.

239
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,789
No, it would be good for you.
It's terrible for me.

240
00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:43,125
Thanks to your moldy
encyclopedias,

241
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,253
my take on mitosis was
completely out—of-date.

242
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:49,757
They don't even call it
protoplasm anymore. It's cytoplasm.

243
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,508
Well, you could have
asked one of us.

244
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:54,136
- Now you're making jokes?
- I'm not making a joke.

245
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:58,140
Really? What's the difference
between a gamete and a zygote?

246
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:02,936
Don't fall for it, Claire. She's
just making up words. Huh.

247
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,772
That's it. I need the Internet.

248
00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,815
I'm out of your stupid contest.

249
00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:11,028
[ Clatters ]

250
00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,406
Hmm.

251
00:10:14,490 --> 00:10:16,492
And then there were three.

252
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:26,043
She's kind of scary.
We're not buying her a car.

253
00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:32,466
[ Knocking ] Hey,
buddy. What you reading?

254
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,969
- — The old man and the sea.
- You like it?

255
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:39,013
- — I like that Hemingway gets to the point.
- You read a lot of his stuff?

256
00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:42,267
- — That was a hint, Jay.
- Oh.

257
00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:43,852
Oh, okay.

258
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,898
I wanna ask you something,
between you and me.

259
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,609
You wanna know if I think my mom
did something to that dog.

260
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:53,612
Yeah. — sit.

261
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,408
Don't most kids drink soda?
Who knows what they do?

262
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,538
So. Your mom.

263
00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:05,791
Jay, I have learned a few things
in my 12 years.

264
00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:08,210
Don't skimp on linens.

265
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:10,462
Don't compliment a teacher
on her figure.

266
00:11:10,546 --> 00:11:12,256
And when it comes to my mom,

267
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,341
never ask questions
I don't want the answers to.

268
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:17,177
I don't buy it.
A sensitive kid like you...

269
00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:19,471
I think you want to know
every bit as much as I do.

270
00:11:19,555 --> 00:11:21,390
- You're wrong.
- [Cup rattling]

271
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,141
Then why is your hand shaking?

272
00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:25,143
This is my fifth one of these today.

273
00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:28,105
I—I may have a problem.
Okay. That's enough.

274
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,817
No. No, no.
4:00 tomorrow is fine.

275
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,528
Yeah, my life partner and I
will see you then.

276
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:37,531
Okay, th—thank you. Since when
do you call me your “life partner”?

277
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:40,033
Since a spot opened up
at billingsley academy.

278
00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:42,953
[ Scoffs ] But I like wagon
wheel. It had all the duckies.

279
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,205
And it reminded me
of where I went in Missouri.

280
00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:48,041
Cam, everyone goes
to billingsley for a reason.

281
00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:51,420
- — It's the Harvard of preschools.
- She's not even two years old yet.

282
00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:53,839
She doesn't need
the Harvard of preschools.

283
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,383
She needs finger painting
and duckies.

284
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,427
I'm begging you to please
just say “ducks.”

285
00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:00,721
[Cell phone rings] Hello.

286
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,265
Great news.
Wagon wheel loved you.

287
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,808
Oh. You're in.

288
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:07,227
Wagon wheel wants us. Oh, yes!

289
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:09,271
That's great and everything,
but actually,

290
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,273
we have an appointment
tomorrow at billingsley.

291
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:14,943
- — [ Claire] Really?
- Yeah. Apparently, we are in very high demand.

292
00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:19,114
Oh. Well, just so you know, I don't think
wagon wheel's gonna hold a place for you.

293
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:20,908
Well, I think we're
gonna take our chance.

294
00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:23,118
Take our chance?
That sounds chancy.

295
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,471
You know, Mitchell, you were
the one who called me in a panic.

296
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:27,581
You were the one who
needed me to get you in.

297
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,791
I'm sorry, Claire.
I didn't mean to put you out.

298
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:32,085
But let's not get too dramatic.
You wrote an e-mail.

299
00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:33,879
It wasn't an e—mail.

300
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:36,548
It was a phone call—
From a landline.

301
00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:42,346
What did you do?
What's best for Lily.

302
00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:46,224
Did you? This is the first time
being gay is a competitive advantage.

303
00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:49,895
They're choosing teams for gym class,
and we're finally getting picked first.

304
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:52,707
I always got picked first. I could throw
a dodgeball through a piece of plywood.

305
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:55,275
But I see your point.

306
00:12:55,359 --> 00:12:57,027
[ Exclaims ]

307
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:02,366
[Cricket chirping ]

308
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,910
[ Light buzzing ]

309
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,591
[ Manny] Hey. Ah!

310
00:13:19,675 --> 00:13:21,760
[ Exhales ] Don't
sneak up on me like that.

311
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:25,973
- — What are you doing out here?
- You got in my head about my mom.

312
00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:27,933
Is that the rat shovel?

313
00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,267
Yeah.

314
00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:32,104
Are you checking it for
signs of dog? I was going to.

315
00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:33,897
Let's do this quick.

316
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:37,693
If she catches us, we're as
dead as that dog probably is.

317
00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:43,657
What are you doing here?
Nothing.

318
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,076
Why are you looking
at that shovel?

319
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,912
Do you think someone did something
with that shovel, Manny?

320
00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:53,583
He thinks you killed
the dog! You little rat.

321
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:56,128
Don't call me a rat!
She kills rats!

322
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:58,755
[ Exhales ]

323
00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:08,432
- You really think that I would kill a dog?
- What was I supposed to think?

324
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,851
I don't know.
How about— I didn't kill a dog?

325
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:14,563
- — Just tell me what you did with it.
- He's in a better place.

326
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:17,399
That's what people say when
something's dead. Okay, fine.

327
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:20,652
I took him to a farm where
he has plenty of room to run.

328
00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:24,197
That's the second thing people
say when something's dead.

329
00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:27,993
My hairdresser's brother has
three kids. They live in the country.

330
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:31,663
They were so happy to have the dog
that they gave me a jar of pickles.

331
00:14:31,747 --> 00:14:33,874
Is that also what they say
when something is dead?

332
00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:35,459
Really?

333
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:38,253
Look. Look how happy they are,

334
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:42,466
instead of him being tied to a
tree outside with no one to talk to.

335
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,634
Why didn't you just tell
me this in the first place?

336
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,612
Ay, like you would be okay
with me stealing a dog.

337
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,181
No. Exacfly. That's
why I didn't tell you.

338
00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:52,350
Now the dog is happy, Manny
can sleep, and we have pickles.

339
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:56,521
Okay, it worked out this time, but don't
forget that stealing is against the law.

340
00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:58,565
Now maybe in colombia—
Ah, here we go.

341
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:02,110
Because in Colombia, we trip over
goats and we kill people in the street.

342
00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:04,446
Do you know
how offensive that is?

343
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,698
Like we're Peruvians!

344
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,287
The contest was hard.

345
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:14,372
Reservations.

346
00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:17,584
Even though we had sworn off the
Internet, the rest of the world hadn't.

347
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:18,794
Orlando.

348
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,504
Domestic.

349
00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:24,508
Representative.

350
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,553
Representative!
Representative! Representative!

351
00:15:35,811 --> 00:15:37,521
[Loud voice ] You '|/e got mail.

352
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,857
[ Beeping fades]

353
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,779
- Really, Claire?
- You don't understand.

354
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:48,257
I was trying to deal with our
plane tickets to visit your family.

355
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,534
Please stop. You're just
embarrassing yourself.

356
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,869
Well, it looks like
it's just you and me, old man.

357
00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:54,329
Bring it.

358
00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:58,125
[ Door opens ]

359
00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,335
And finally, here we are
back at the office.

360
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,671
Mmm. If you two
would like to take a seat,

361
00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:04,589
I will let Mr. Plympton
know that you're here.

362
00:16:04,673 --> 00:16:06,842
Thank you. Yes, thank you.

363
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:10,220
[ Gasps ] This place is amazing.

364
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:12,848
I told you. It's like Hogwarts!

365
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:14,599
The, uh— the ladybug sanctuary.

366
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,269
Oh, my gosh. The little
cobblestones. So sweet, I know.

367
00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:19,604
Screw the duckies.
We belong here.

368
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:22,065
Do you think they're
gonna let us in? Cam, relax.

369
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,693
We're queer. We're
here. Yes, we are.

370
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:27,154
Okay, just a few more minutes.

371
00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:29,406
Thank you. Yes. Thank you.

372
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:33,285
Hi. I'm Stephanie kaner,
and this is jafar. Hi.

373
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:37,122
- And we have an interview with Mr. Plympton.
- Wonderful. These two are first.

374
00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,957
Single white mother.
Black child.

375
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,959
So what? Lily's Asian. We're gay.

376
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:43,920
In the school admissions poker game,
we're the winning hand.

377
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,804
[ Door opens ] [ Stephanie
I oh, honey, sorry.

378
00:16:45,881 --> 00:16:48,550
My partner, kavita.
Hi. Nice to meet you.

379
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:51,386
Hello. Nice to meet you.
It'll be just a few minutes.

380
00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:55,307
Disabled interracial lesbians
with an African kicker?

381
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,309
Did not see that coming.

382
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:01,021
It's been a while since
I read an actual newspaper.

383
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,606
Miss that sound.

384
00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:10,322
No, no, no, no! What is it?

385
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:12,365
Brady's injured. No!

386
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,618
He's my whole team.
I have to change my roster.

387
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,287
Honey, if you can't do it
over the phone, you can't do it.

388
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,830
Because we're not
buying Haley a car.

389
00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:21,124
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

390
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:25,629
Well— well, I'm just
gonna go to the bathroom.

391
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:32,260
Phil Dunphy, don't you
even dream of it.

392
00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:34,906
Claire, all my friends are in that
league. I'm gonna look like an idiot.

393
00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:37,349
So what? So I paid
a huge entrance fee.

394
00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:39,684
How huge? Not huge. Tiny.

395
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:42,020
[ Haley laughing]
Oh, my goodness.

396
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:44,773
How is she not
cracking up there?

397
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:47,984
Listen to her. [ Haley] No,
I know. But do you know?

398
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:51,363
So? Wait a minute. She's alone.

399
00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:53,156
She's alone.

400
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,158
Oh, my god.

401
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,077
[ Haley chattering, laughing ]

402
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:01,665
[ Haley] I know. You should
see her pants. I'll text it to you.

403
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,750
Oh, wait. Okay, hold on.
I'll send it.

404
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,419
Ha! Ah, ha, ha! Aha!

405
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,630
[ Phil] Busted! [ Groans ]

406
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,632
Sophie, I have to call you back.

407
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,843
I knew it! I knew you couldn't do it.
I told you I'd outlast them.

408
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,845
- — This sucks.
- What's going on?

409
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:18,765
I'll tell you what's going on.
I win.

410
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:21,726
Nobody gets a car,
I dump Tom Brady,

411
00:18:21,810 --> 00:18:25,146
and our long
amish nightmare is over.

412
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:28,817
I can't believe you thought you
were gonna put one over on us.

413
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:32,529
I can't believe that he's
actually already on the Internet.

414
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:33,905
Believe it, girl.

415
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:36,700
- — So you're actually online right now?
- Yep.

416
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:39,619
Well, then I hate
to break it to you, daddy,

417
00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:42,789
butyoulose. [ Laughing]

418
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,165
[ Together] What?

419
00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:45,959
This isn't my phone.

420
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:49,379
I carved it out of a bar of soap
and colored it in with a marker.

421
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:54,551
Phil, she carved a telephone
out of a bar of soap.

422
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,012
[ Squealing ] I can't
believe that I'm getting a car!

423
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:59,764
[Laughing] Holy crap.
We've been shawshanked.

424
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:03,268
[ Door opens, closes]

425
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:07,230
Sorry about the delay. I was going
over the plans for our new dance studio.

426
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:09,482
Wow. [ Giggles, murmurs]

427
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,359
So, tell me about yourselves.

428
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:14,362
Uh, well, I'm a lawyer, so...

429
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:16,990
- — Many of our applicants are attorneys.
- Of course.

430
00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:20,368
- — What sets you apart?
- Um, well, I...

431
00:19:20,452 --> 00:19:23,204
[Affected accent]
Well, my white-man name is Tucker.

432
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:26,458
I am I/16th cherokee.

433
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:30,795
Ready for child
to soar like eagle.

434
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,213
[Quietly] Oh, god.

435
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,258
So, what are you saying?

436
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:37,927
Um— uh— [ Chuckles ]

437
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:40,221
- — You're not getting a car.
- But I won.

438
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,067
Yes, but we never thought
you would. Mm-hmm.

439
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,516
So? [ Claire ] So...

440
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,477
Congratulations on your victory.

441
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,896
Nobody can ever take
that away from you. So true.

442
00:19:47,979 --> 00:19:52,776
But I spent two days in my room,
talking to a bar of soap.

443
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,111
- — It's not fair.
- It's totally not fair.

444
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,322
We're outraged. Bad parenting.

445
00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:59,616
- [ Doorbell rings]
- But we had a deal.

446
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,369
Which, in hindsight,
was utter nonsense.

447
00:20:02,452 --> 00:20:04,412
[ Door opens ] Hey.

448
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,873
We hated billingsley.
The place is so stupid.

449
00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:09,125
You blew the interview,
didn't you?

450
00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,503
[Whimpering] Lesbians.

451
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,630
Oh. In a wheelchair.

452
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,762
You still mad at me?
You tell me.

453
00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,681
What is this?
I've been thinking.

454
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,910
If you said as much about america
as I said about Colombia...

455
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,227
I'd be plenty ticked off.

456
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,790
Doesn't make up
for everything, but...

457
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:30,688
A trip to Colombia?

458
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:32,375
I wanna see your village,
learn your culture.

459
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:35,610
I love you. I'm sure I'm gonna love
where you come from.

460
00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:37,946
Ay, Jay. Thank you,
thank you, thank you!

461
00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,781
[ Laughing]

462
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:42,617
No way he's going to my village.

463
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:45,745
I was in two car accidents
when I was living there.

464
00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:48,748
Both times, I hit a goat.
One was hurt pretty bad.

465
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:51,459
But it was a good thing
I had a shovel in the trunk.

466
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,966
[Affected accent]
The tribe elders foretold...

467
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:01,344
That though I lay
with fire-haired man,

468
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:05,682
the giving hawk
would bring us baby,

469
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:09,936
with her skin
the color of sweet corn,

470
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:13,314
which my people call maize.

471
00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:14,566
Okay. Please stop.

472
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,359
Well, uh...

473
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:19,446
Knowledge is her sustenance.

474
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:21,781
Like so much maize,

475
00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:26,202
which, you'll remember,
means corn.

476
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,037
What if I was a single dad?

477
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:36,045
English - us - psdh