1
00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:04,088
[ Chopping ]

2
00:00:04,172 --> 00:00:06,424
Oh, hi, honey.
Breakfast will be ready in a minute.

3
00:00:07,550 --> 00:00:11,012
Aaah! My hand!

4
00:00:11,095 --> 00:00:13,556
Aaah!

5
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:16,434
Very funny, mom.
I know it's Halloween.

6
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,269
Nice fake hand.

7
00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,938
[ Phil] Aaah!
Aaah! [ Screaming ]

8
00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:23,149
[ Both laughing ]

9
00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:26,611
We love Halloween, especially Claire.

10
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,821
It's my favorite holiday.

11
00:00:28,905 --> 00:00:31,449
Ever since I was a kid,
I loved scary things.

12
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,242
If there was
a new horror movie in town,

13
00:00:33,326 --> 00:00:35,077
I was the first in line.

14
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,038
One, please. [ Chuckles ]

15
00:00:37,121 --> 00:00:38,706
Then I met Phil.

16
00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:40,291
Two, please.

17
00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,793
,/' hey, heyj

18
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,879
,/' hey, heyj

19
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:46,881
,/' hey, heyj

20
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:49,008
,/' hey, heyj

21
00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:50,092
j“ hey if

22
00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:54,931
okay.

23
00:00:55,014 --> 00:00:57,600
All right, do me.
Do me, do me, do me.

24
00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,745
Cam, I have to say, I feel
kinda sexy. [ Fabric squeaks ]

25
00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,021
Well, squeaky sexy, but...

26
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:05,983
You know I'd be enjoying this more if
Halloween wasn't such a tough day for me.

27
00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,861
But I want you to go to work...

28
00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:10,571
And knock their socks off.

29
00:01:10,655 --> 00:01:13,407
My last job was
at a pretty conservative law firm.

30
00:01:13,491 --> 00:01:15,368
No one there would ever
dress up for Halloween.

31
00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:17,620
But apparently
at this new company...

32
00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:21,415
Right now I'm thinkin'
either vampire or werewolf.

33
00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,251
Every year it's harder to decide.

34
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:24,835
Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry.

35
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,796
So people really come
to work in costumes here?

36
00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:29,882
Are you kidding?
It's epic, bro. Epic.

37
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:32,677
I'm already the new guy.

38
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,388
I don't want to be
the non-participation guy too.

39
00:01:35,471 --> 00:01:37,098
Not on my watch.

40
00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:41,269
Unfortunately, Halloween was marred
for me personally by an incident long ago.

41
00:01:41,394 --> 00:01:44,480
Now it's just a day I have
to get through. 80 you said.

42
00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:48,067
All right, so everybody has to be here
at 5:30 to rehearse our house of horrors.

43
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,671
- — You guys have your costumes ready?
- Yeah, but it's a secret.

44
00:01:50,695 --> 00:01:52,822
Me and Manny came up
with something together.

45
00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:54,365
I love that.

46
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:57,034
Can I have some candy?
No. How about you, Alex?

47
00:01:57,118 --> 00:02:00,496
I haven't really thought about it.
I've got, like, three huge exams tomorrow.

48
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,933
Honey, you can't just slap
something together at the last minute.

49
00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:05,894
If you gave this costume half as much time
and attention as you give your homework,

50
00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,753
you wouldn't be in this situation.

51
00:02:07,837 --> 00:02:10,089
Can I remind you you have one child
who's not mediocre?

52
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:13,009
Check it. I'm a scary black cat.

53
00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:14,969
The only person that costume scares is me.

54
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,554
Go change it. To what?

55
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,889
I don't know. One of your old costumes.

56
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,516
[ Beeping ] Honey, trust me.

57
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:22,143
I am sparing you an entire day...

58
00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:24,312
Of guys asking you
if you have a rough tongue.

59
00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:26,022
Eww.

60
00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:28,274
- — [Jay] Yel/o.
- Hi, dad. It's me.

61
00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:30,585
I wanted to make sure you and Gloria
were ready for tonight.

62
00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:32,421
What's tonight? What do
you mean, what is tonight?

63
00:02:32,445 --> 00:02:34,113
Dad, it's Halloween.
You know this.

64
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,449
Calm down, morticia.
I'm just teasing you.

65
00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:38,993
We '/I be there.
Yeah, but in costume this time.

66
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:41,236
You can't just show up
with a backwards baseball cap...

67
00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:43,348
And call yourself snoop dogg,
like you did last year.

68
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:44,999
I didn't even know who that guy was.

69
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,002
Haley turned my hat around
and told me to say it.

70
00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:48,669
I thought he was a dog detective.

71
00:02:48,753 --> 00:02:50,254
Listen, don't worry.

72
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,173
We got the whole thing worked out.

73
00:02:52,298 --> 00:02:53,966
Bye—bye. [Beeps]

74
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,177
[ Phone ringing]

75
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:57,762
- — Ho/a, Jay.
- Where are you?

76
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,348
I have Manny in the carpool,
and we're going to the dropout.

77
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:02,683
Dropout— you mean that Eddie kid?
Yeah, he's a moron.

78
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:06,187
No, the dropout,
where you drop the kids in the school.

79
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,772
She means “drop—off.”

80
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,440
That's what I said.

81
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:13,152
Listen. Did you ever do anything
about costumes for Claire's thing tonight?

82
00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:14,835
I'm going to pick them up
this afternoon.

83
00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:16,489
You're going to be a gargle,

84
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,366
and I'm going to be an evil village bru/a.

85
00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:20,868
- — I know less now than I did before I asked.
- Mmm.

86
00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:23,496
A bruja is a witch,
and a gargle is a gargle.

87
00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:26,248
- — She means “gargoyle.”
- that's what I said.

88
00:03:26,332 --> 00:03:27,833
As long as you got it covered,

89
00:03:27,917 --> 00:03:29,603
because if Claire
doesn't get her Halloween,

90
00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:32,421
she turns into a real
rhymes with bruja.

91
00:03:32,505 --> 00:03:34,840
Oh, no. No, no, no.

92
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,467
I'm the only one. [ Chattering ]

93
00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:40,012
[Murmuring] [ Man] Have
lunch? I'll let you wear my fangs.

94
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:42,017
[Woman ] Hey, someone's
got the spirit. [Laughs]

95
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:44,683
Look at those tools.

96
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,019
Every year.
What a couple of douches.

97
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:49,063
Oh, no. [Line ringing]

98
00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:50,564
[Beeps] Heho?

99
00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:52,568
There are exactly three people
in costume here...

100
00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,735
A tool, a douche and me...

101
00:03:54,819 --> 00:03:56,570
And I don't have time
to go home and change.

102
00:03:56,654 --> 00:03:58,155
Calm down.

103
00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:00,175
Did you bring in the dry cleaning
from last night?

104
00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,010
Are you really getting on me
about the dry clean...

105
00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:03,702
Oh, I have suits in the trunk.

106
00:04:03,786 --> 00:04:06,580
Look at that.
Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy.

107
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:09,417
[ Musically] Yes, thank
you. Thank you. [Beeps]

108
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:10,835
[ Muttering ] Okay.

109
00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:13,754
[ Fabric squeaks]

110
00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,024
Hey, Charlie. There you are. I
need you in the lampkin meeting.

111
00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:17,648
- — Ifl could just maybe—
- Five minutes.

112
00:04:17,675 --> 00:04:19,135
Okay. Okay, hey...

113
00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:20,719
Fushegalquesfion yeah?

114
00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:22,555
Can I fire those idiots
for no reason?

115
00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:24,056
Oh, my gosh.

116
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:27,435
Those are some major guns
you got there. [ Stammers ]

117
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:29,061
[ Squeaks ]

118
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:35,985
Why won't this...

119
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:37,945
[ Footsteps ] Hey, Jerry.

120
00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:40,531
Hey, Phil. Lookin' good.

121
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:43,784
Thanks. Wait'll you see
what we got planned for tonight.

122
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:46,120
Claire and I are goin'
as corpse bride and groom...

123
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,873
As if there's any other
kind. Am I right? [ Chuckles ]

124
00:04:48,998 --> 00:04:51,083
I'm saying that marriage kills you.
Judy left me.

125
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:54,670
Oh, my god. I am so sorry.

126
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:57,673
When someone your age dies,
what's the first thing you wanna know?

127
00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,467
Died of what? Right?

128
00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:02,028
You wanna hear it was something
that could never happen to you.

129
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:03,721
It's the same with divorce.

130
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:07,975
Tell me it was booze, cheating,
physical abuse— no problem.

131
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:11,395
I'm a monogamous social drinker,
and Claire only sleep-hits me.

132
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:14,231
Just don't tell me
it came from out of the blue.

133
00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:16,484
I was totally blindsided.

134
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,402
I guess somewhere along the way,

135
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,279
she stopped finding me delightful.

136
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:23,574
Well, that's— that's coconuts.
You're super-delightful.

137
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,326
Not to Judy.

138
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:27,661
She used to laugh
at everything I had to say,

139
00:05:27,745 --> 00:05:30,414
but now I can't even remember
what her laugh sounds like.

140
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,082
Claire can do it. It's uncan...

141
00:05:33,876 --> 00:05:35,586
I should go back inside.

142
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,338
I have a dish to wash.

143
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:40,674
Okay, but, hey, Jerry,
if you need anything...

144
00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:42,968
All right? I'm your rock.

145
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,762
[Shrieking] Ohh!

146
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,100
You are not gonna believe this.

147
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:51,685
Judy just left Jerry.

148
00:05:51,769 --> 00:05:54,104
Oh, yeah. She was so unhappy.

149
00:05:54,230 --> 00:05:57,358
How's he doing? He's not
taking it as well as you are.

150
00:05:57,441 --> 00:05:59,527
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I don't mean to be insensitive.

151
00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,403
I've just got a lot to get done.

152
00:06:01,487 --> 00:06:03,197
I don't find you insensitive.

153
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,949
I find you delightful.

154
00:06:05,074 --> 00:06:07,409
Do you find me delightful?
Oh, god, I just remembered...

155
00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:09,537
Jerry's supposed to be
our porch scarecrow.

156
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:11,330
Can you ask him
if he'll still do it?

157
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:13,207
He's kind of a mess right now.

158
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:16,418
Yeah, but... it might make him
feel better to be around people.

159
00:06:17,670 --> 00:06:20,589
I'll try, but his whole world
just turned upside down.

160
00:06:20,673 --> 00:06:22,341
Can you imagine?

161
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,093
One minute
you're happily married.

162
00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:26,387
The next minute
you're completely by yourself...

163
00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:36,397
I don't need excuses.
I need this lawsuit to go away.

164
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,399
Now who's responsible
for the Keith deposition?

165
00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:42,778
[ Muffled ] Uh, well, I was, sir.
But in my defense, I was told...

166
00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:45,489
Take those stupid fangs out,
Dale.

167
00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,741
Sorry. For starters,
it's daytime.

168
00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:49,451
Vampires sleep during the day...

169
00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:51,412
Which you may soon
have plenty of time for.

170
00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:54,206
I'm sorry, but I was told
that we didn't need Keith.

171
00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:55,708
Who told you that?

172
00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,876
[ Stammering ]
Ijrnayhave— [ Squeaks ]

173
00:06:58,002 --> 00:07:00,879
I may have done that, sir.
That's disappointing.

174
00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,631
But at least Mitchell's new here.

175
00:07:02,715 --> 00:07:05,467
Twilight, you're not,
so get it done.

176
00:07:05,551 --> 00:07:07,052
Meeting adjourned.

177
00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:09,376
Client's waiting for us in my office.
We're already late.

178
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:10,889
Let's roll.

179
00:07:11,015 --> 00:07:12,826
Wow. You've really been
hittin' the gym. Yeah, well...

180
00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:15,436
[ Squeaking ]
What the hell is that noise?

181
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,438
Every time I tried
to get out of that costume,

182
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,356
I got dragged
into another meeting.

183
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,693
It was the worst Halloween ever.

184
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,487
Really, Mitchell?
The worst Halloween ever?

185
00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,741
You had squeaky thighs.
I lost a childhood.

186
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,160
Jay! This came for you.

187
00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:33,370
Oh, hi, honey. What is it?

188
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,331
I called your secretary
and told her...

189
00:07:35,414 --> 00:07:38,167
To order you some crackers
and those cheeses that you like.

190
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,169
The tiny little ones. Thanks.

191
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:42,504
Did you pick up
my gargle costume too?

192
00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:44,673
Are you making fun of me? No.

193
00:07:44,757 --> 00:07:47,426
First Manny correcting me,
and now you?

194
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:50,095
If I have a problem, I want
to know, Jay. Honey, look.

195
00:07:50,179 --> 00:07:52,806
English is your second language.
You're doin' great.

196
00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:56,560
Yeah, you're not helping
by protecting my feelings.

197
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:58,437
I want you to be honest with me.

198
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,064
Okay, well, I may have noticed...

199
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,858
Some tiny little mistakes
you might want to take a look at.

200
00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:05,027
Like what?
Just little mispronunciations.

201
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,946
Like, for example, last night you said
we live in a “doggy-dog” world.

202
00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:11,158
So? It's “dog-eat-dog” world.

203
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:12,868
Yeah, but— [ Chuckles ]

204
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,620
That doesn't make any sense.

205
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:17,539
Who wants to live in a world
where dogs eat each other?

206
00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:22,127
Doggy—dog world is a beautiful
world full of little puppies.

207
00:08:22,211 --> 00:08:23,879
What else do I say wrong?

208
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,341
Well, it's not “blessings in the skies.”

209
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,259
It's “blessings in disguise.”

210
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,428
What else?

211
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:34,640
“Carpal tunnel syndrome”
is not “carpool tunnel syndrome.”

212
00:08:35,391 --> 00:08:36,892
And what else?

213
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:40,354
It's not “vo—lump—uous.”
okay, enough.

214
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,064
I know that I have an accent,

215
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,857
but people understand me
just fine.

216
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,985
What the hell is this?
I told you, Jay.

217
00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:50,447
I called your secretary and told her
to order you a box of baby cheeses.

218
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,536
Oh, so now that is my fault too.

219
00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:03,168
Can you tell Claire that I'm not
really up for being a scarecrow?

220
00:09:03,252 --> 00:09:06,505
Judy and I used to love
Halloween. It's her favorite holiday.

221
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:07,756
Huh. You know?

222
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,859
Gosh. I hate to think of you
sitting in there alone,

223
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,883
running through all this in your head—
What could you have done differently?

224
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,031
What could you
have done differently?

225
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,908
It's actually a little hard
for me to talk about.

226
00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:18,809
Don't push me away.
I'm not Judy.

227
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,646
I could have been more
spontaneous. Uh-huh.

228
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:25,566
I could have tried to have
been more fun and sexy,

229
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,151
like it was in the old days.

230
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,361
Spontaneous and sexy.
I got it. Yup.

231
00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:31,572
Remember. I'm here for you, okay?

232
00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:33,490
[Shrieking] Oh! Son of a...

233
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,536
What the hell is that?

234
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:40,122
What? You told me
to put on an old costume.

235
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:41,874
Not from when you were eight.

236
00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:43,768
Are you trying to get candy
or Japanese businessmen?

237
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,711
Change it. Go.

238
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:50,507
Jerry is a no—go on the 'crow.

239
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,312
You've been over there
flflswhdefime? Yeah.

240
00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:54,428
He was venting.
I couldn't break free.

241
00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:56,555
God. You are sexy.

242
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,515
Honey? Nmsoma

243
00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,160
I don't think
we're done here, my darlin'.

244
00:10:00,184 --> 00:10:01,643
Sweet pea, I need to get down.

245
00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:03,479
Oh, we can get down.
We can get way down.

246
00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:05,814
Oh, god! Phil!

247
00:10:05,898 --> 00:10:08,066
[ Squeaking ]

248
00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:21,121
No. No, no, no, no, no!

249
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:24,625
[Water dripping
I [ Groans ] okay.

250
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:28,295
Okay. [ Blowing ]

251
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,051
[Smflsofi] No, no.No.

252
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:37,387
[ Chattering ] No. [ Mutters ]

253
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:38,972
Okay.

254
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:49,775
[ Cart wheels squeaking ]
[ Door opens ]

255
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:51,819
[ Door closes ]

256
00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:54,196
[Whispering ]
No. No, no, no, no.

257
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,906
Okay.

258
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,908
Okay, focus, Mitchell.
Focus, focus.

259
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,993
[ Phone ringing]

260
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,287
Hello?

261
00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:05,249
I'm trapped in a men is room, and
all I have on is the spider-man suit.

262
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,834
Hot. Who is this?

263
00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:09,920
Somebody took my shirt, and all
the rest of my clothes are all “toilety.”

264
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,506
I'm screwed. — why don't
you just tell Charlie the truth?

265
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:16,176
I can't. I already messed up once today,
and I can't risk it.

266
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,719
I have another suit in my trunk,

267
00:11:17,803 --> 00:11:19,948
but I can't get to the car
without going through the office.

268
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:21,473
You know what's ironic?

269
00:11:21,557 --> 00:11:23,851
Who could really help you now
is spider-man.

270
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:30,941
He's here.

271
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,450
[ Groans ]

272
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:50,586
Okay. Okay. Okay.

273
00:11:50,669 --> 00:11:52,629
No. No, no, no, no, no.

274
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:54,631
[Hon1honhng] No, no, no.

275
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:57,467
[Horn honking] Okay. Okay.

276
00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:03,098
[ Honking continues]

277
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:15,736
[ Luke ] Behold my creation!

278
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:17,821
Monster, do my bidding.

279
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:20,490
I do as you command, master.

280
00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:23,911
Okay, mom, you cannot
have a problem with this.

281
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:25,537
I'm Mother Teresa.

282
00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:29,166
- Are you kidding me?
- What? I'm her back when she was hot.

283
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,418
I will pay you $10
to go put on more clothes.

284
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:33,420
Bet it's the first time
you ever heard that one.

285
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,505
Okay, you know what?
Here. Here we go.

286
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:38,050
Let's just cover you up.

287
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:42,387
All right, now. I just wanna run
through this really quick with everybody.

288
00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:44,056
Uh, first it's “trick or treat,”

289
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:45,891
and then phil—
“come in, if you dare.”

290
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:49,603
Right, and then dad does the
thunder and the lightning and the fog.

291
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:52,272
Usher the children in,
past Alex in her cage...

292
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,107
I'm in a cage? Yes.

293
00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:56,336
You're in a house of horrors,
being held against your will.

294
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,195
Yeah, I know.
So why do we need the cage?

295
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:03,075
And then Gloria pops up
as the evil village bruja and she says...

296
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:06,411
[ Imitating Gloria] “Welcome
to your nightmare.” [ Cackling ]

297
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:08,622
[ Normal voice] And then
cam and Haley do their thing.

298
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,266
Kids get their candy.
They are ushered out.

299
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,125
They think it's all over, but it's not...

300
00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:15,128
Because out on the porch,
the scarecrow pops to life...

301
00:13:15,212 --> 00:13:17,589
Pow! For one final “aah!”

302
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,925
And that's Mitchell. You're
the scarecrow. Oh, no.

303
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,969
No. I was in a costume all day.
It was awful.

304
00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:23,804
It's nothing compared
to when I was...

305
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:26,098
You don't own bad halloweens.
Don't I?

306
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,808
We get it, cam. Hard day.

307
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,661
Mitchell, please.
The costume's in the kitchen.

308
00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:31,269
Come on. [ Groans ]

309
00:13:31,395 --> 00:13:32,854
All right. Claire. Claire.

310
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,041
Before you go, I just want
you to know— okay, the wig.

311
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:36,483
I love you more— that's-that's...

312
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:38,402
Thanks, honey.
You're my best friend!

313
00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:41,113
Hey. [Jay] Hey, guys.

314
00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:43,490
Wow. God, you guys look great.

315
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,909
[ Flat accent]
Thank you, Phil. I try my best.

316
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,203
You look very dead—like.

317
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,038
Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry.

318
00:13:50,122 --> 00:13:51,623
Oh, no, no, Jay.

319
00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:55,293
For now on, I only
speakin' proper American,

320
00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:57,754
so I don't embarrass you.

321
00:13:58,797 --> 00:14:00,317
Did she just get back
from the dentist?

322
00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:02,175
She's mad at me
because I told her...

323
00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:04,219
Sometimes people
can't understand her.

324
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,929
Make it right, Jay.

325
00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:07,681
We're all just hanging
by a thread.

326
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,808
Hey, dad! Oh, you look great.

327
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,518
Oh, good.
Okay, Gloria's in position.

328
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,478
Hi, Gloria. Here you go.
Right back here.

329
00:14:13,562 --> 00:14:15,856
Claire, I don't know that
I'm feeling up to this.

330
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,441
Why, cam?

331
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,401
What happened
that is so awful...

332
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,361
You simultaneously
can't speak of it...

333
00:14:21,445 --> 00:14:23,030
And yet can't stop
talking about it?

334
00:14:23,155 --> 00:14:25,323
I can't. It's too emotional.
Okay. Some other time.

335
00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:26,783
I was 10. Oh, god.

336
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,493
Dressed as ouasimodo,
on a front porch...

337
00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,538
With my best friend, Timmy reglar—
A ghostbuster.

338
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,373
There was a bucket
of candy with a sign.

339
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,459
It said “take one.” one.

340
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,937
- — Timmy took the entire bucket and put it in his bag.
- Mmm.

341
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:40,839
Timmy didn't play by the rules.
It's what I liked and feared about him.

342
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,883
Then the bag broke. Oh.

343
00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:46,344
As a crowd of kids rounded the corner,
saw the pile of candy,

344
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,096
Timmy said, “cam did it!”

345
00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:49,848
[ Children ] Trick or treat!

346
00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,611
Oh, good. Aren't you glad
you got that out?

347
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:54,978
Okay, everybody, our first victims.
This is not a rehearsal.

348
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:56,622
[Whispers ] You ready?
You ready? Yes. Yes.

349
00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:57,856
Okay.

350
00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:01,276
[ Modulated voice ]
Come in, if you dare.

351
00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:03,236
[ Gloria coughs]

352
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:06,323
Dad. [Jay] Huh? Oh. Let me see...

353
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:09,159
Thank you for joining us on our...

354
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,122
No, no, no. First the
thunder and the lightning.

355
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,996
Yeah, right. I got it.

356
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,164
Perfect.

357
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:18,502
Thank you for joining us
on our special night.

358
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:22,005
Other children
haven't fared so well.

359
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:25,675
[ Singsong ] Welcome to
your nightmare. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

360
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,886
What the hell is that?

361
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,513
Can we just get ourcandy?

362
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:34,976
Okay, but beware of the fog,
for you might not be able to see ahead.

363
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,062
[ Gasps ] Boo.

364
00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:39,356
Timmy starting running.
I wanted to run too,

365
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,234
but my hunch got stuck
on a rosebush, and that's when I fell.

366
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:43,443
I fell hard.

367
00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:44,986
[Boy] I can see his feet.

368
00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:48,448
Okay, here. Here,
children, have some candy.

369
00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:50,450
Happy Halloween.

370
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:53,370
[All groaning]

371
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,622
Okay, that was bad.
That was a bad start.

372
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:59,584
Uh, first of all, dad,
thunder, lightning, fog cue...

373
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,128
And we skipped Alex altogether.

374
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,172
And Gloria, since when
do you speak English?

375
00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:08,552
Oh, so now you have a problem
with the way I speak?

376
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:12,305
Like father, like daughter
in this dog-eat-dog family.

377
00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:13,991
[ Mouthing words] [
Children ] Trick or treat!

378
00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:16,601
Okay, places! Places!
Good. Mitchell's good.

379
00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:18,329
[ Modulated voice ]
Honey, I love you so much...

380
00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:20,313
Not now. Not now.

381
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:23,400
Come in, if you dare.

382
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,527
Dad. [ Jay ] What?

383
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,487
Dad! Oh, right, right.

384
00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:29,197
[ Thunderclaps ]

385
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,658
Phil, that's you.
No, dad— fog, fog.

386
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:35,662
Thank you for joining us
on our special night.

387
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:39,207
Other children
haven't fared so well.

388
00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:42,335
Oh, help me. Help me.

389
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:46,423
[ Singsong ] Welcome to
your nightmare. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

390
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,633
Now your treats are over here,

391
00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:54,181
but with all the fog, you may
not be able to see... ahead.

392
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:57,017
And everyone was screaming,
“that's him! Get quasimodo!”

393
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,269
And then the townspeople
started chasing me.

394
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,479
That's when I wet my pants!

395
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,232
[ Sobbing ]
I wet my pants! I wet my pants.

396
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:07,152
This place is weird. Yeah.

397
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,695
Let's go. Yeah, come on.

398
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:12,157
[ Blow lands] Mother of god!

399
00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:15,202
Son of a—
What is wrong with everyone?

400
00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:16,912
Cam, “townspeople”? Really?

401
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,538
I lived on a farm.
They lived in town.

402
00:17:18,622 --> 00:17:20,081
They were the townspeople.

403
00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:24,377
Dad— dad, it goes
lightning, thunder, fog cue.

404
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:27,047
This whole thing
is a colossal fog cue.

405
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:29,883
[ Gloria ]
Claire just doesn't understand, cam.

406
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:33,887
Maybe she's never been picked on
for been different.

407
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:35,639
When, Gloria?

408
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:39,184
When have you ever been picked on
for “been different”?

409
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:41,478
Ask the gargle.

410
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,271
What is she saying?

411
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:45,357
Gloria!

412
00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:49,402
- [ Luke] Think she went insane.
- She's not insane!

413
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:52,489
She's my mother.
I'm your mother now!

414
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,868
Gloria, I wanna
tell you a story...

415
00:17:56,952 --> 00:17:58,870
About a guy eating
in a diner, alone.

416
00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:02,249
Behind him he hears a woman
talking. He doesn't turn around.

417
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:07,254
Five minutes, 10 minutes, just listening
for the woman, the life in her voice.

418
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:11,091
And before he even sees her,
he realizes he's fallen in love.

419
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:13,343
Now I give you a guess
who that guy is.

420
00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:18,115
[ Mitchell ] Oh, my dad was...

421
00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:20,183
[ Screams ] [Groans] Oh, my god!

422
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:23,478
- You know what? I'm just gonna go.
- No. Come on, cam.

423
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:26,314
Uh, if uncle cam's leaving,
I'm just gonna go upstairs and study.

424
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,900
Yeah, I have a party to go to, so...

425
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:31,069
[ Groans ]
She punched me in the face!

426
00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:34,006
[ Normal voice] He came out of nowhere,
and he scared the baby cheeses out of me.

427
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:35,824
Hey, you're talking normal again.

428
00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:38,785
A y. I love the story
about the old man.

429
00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:40,161
Nobody said “old.”

430
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,038
Oh, cam, can we
please just go? Yes.

431
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:43,748
Yeah, go. Please. I don't care.

432
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:47,127
Oh, claire— no. No. I'm done!

433
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:48,712
I'm done.

434
00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:52,007
I'm not done, so not done.

435
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:53,591
Look, here's the thing.

436
00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:55,385
We—we have fireworks
at Christmas now...

437
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,137
Because that's
what they do in Colombia.

438
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,680
I don't mind.

439
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:00,658
Thanksgiving— that used
to be me roasting a Turkey,

440
00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:03,402
until the gays took it over with
whatever new Turkey cooking craze...

441
00:19:03,435 --> 00:19:06,187
It is that you saw on the food
network, and I'm fine with that too.

442
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:11,192
All I ask— all I ask— is that you leave
me Halloween. Yeah, Halloween.

443
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:15,030
I realize it is a crazy—ass holiday for a
grown woman to care about this much,

444
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:17,407
but it is my crazy-ass holiday.

445
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:19,951
Mine.

446
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,831
[ Footsteps departing ]

447
00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:28,793
That's a lot of complaining
from somebody...

448
00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:31,713
Who asked for thirds
of our tandoori Turkey last year.

449
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:35,383
No! Claire...

450
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:36,926
No, not ready to talk!

451
00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:39,179
No. [ Clears throat]

452
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:40,764
Listen.

453
00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,767
I know I haven't
been much help today.

454
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:47,687
That whole Jerry and Judy thing,
it really hit me hard.

455
00:19:47,771 --> 00:19:49,832
Is that why you've been
acting like such a nut all day?

456
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,150
You know, what if
someday that's us? Honey...

457
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:54,903
Look, you might not want
to hear this right now,

458
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:56,613
after the meltdown
I just had in there,

459
00:19:56,696 --> 00:20:00,158
but you're kinda stuck with me.

460
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:03,536
Oh. You promise?

461
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,374
I do. [ Chuckles ]

462
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:11,586
- [ Laughing]
- Oh. Oh, great.

463
00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:14,297
[ Children ] Trick or treat!

464
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:16,859
We should just put out a bowl of
candy and have a cocktail, right?

465
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:18,093
Yeah. Yeah.

466
00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:20,428
[ Manny] Come in, if you dare.

467
00:20:20,512 --> 00:20:22,722
[ Luke ] Thank you for
joining us on our special night.

468
00:20:22,806 --> 00:20:25,058
- — [ Haley] Other children haven't fared so well.
- Hey.

469
00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:26,768
[Alex] Help me! Help
me! She's doing it.

470
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:30,772
- — [ Gloria ] Welcome to your nightmare, muchachos!
- No! No.

471
00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:32,774
[Children scream]

472
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,735
[ Haley] With all this fog, it
might be hard to see ahead.

473
00:20:35,819 --> 00:20:37,570
[ Cameron ] Aaah!
[Children scream]

474
00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:40,698
[ Laughing ] Yeah! Yeah!

475
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:45,829
[ Cackling ] [ Screaming ]

476
00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:47,372
Wow. We're back in the game.

477
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:49,124
Lmsgo. Iloveifllloveifl

478
00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:51,227
[skeleton shrieking ] Aah! That
was for you. That was for you.

479
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:52,877
No, it wasn't. I did it for you.

480
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,258
Oh, and one time she says,
“don't choke,

481
00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,969
or I'll have to give you
the hindenburg maneuver.”

482
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:02,971
One time she caught me
staring off and she goes,

483
00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:04,264
“cam, what's wrong?

484
00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:05,890
You look like a deer in head lice.”

485
00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:06,974
[All laughing]

486
00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:09,185
In the service, I had a job...

487
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,938
Briefly— handling explosives,

488
00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:14,315
which sounds dangerous, but it's not.

489
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,960
You store them at the right temperature,

490
00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:17,444
you have no problems...

491
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:19,167
If you tell her
she doesn't have a choice,

492
00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:22,031
she'll say “don't you give me
an old tomato.”

493
00:21:22,157 --> 00:21:24,576
Or when she's— okay, enough!

494
00:21:24,659 --> 00:21:26,244
You try speaking in another language!

495
00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:28,121
Everybody out of my house!

496
00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:30,081
Until you do.

497
00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:36,546
English - us - psdh