1 00:00:02,753 --> 00:00:04,213 [ Electronic chirp] 2 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:07,592 [Smfibs] What are you doing? Shush.Shush. 3 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,677 One of the smoke alarms is chirping. 4 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,763 I'm trying to figure out which one it is so I can change the battery. 5 00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:16,809 Well, if anybody can find it— [ Inhales ] It's you. 6 00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:19,520 [Groans] You sound horrible. 7 00:00:19,604 --> 00:00:21,856 Why don't, uh— Why don't you go back to bed? 8 00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,566 'Cause I've got too much to do. 9 00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:25,544 I've gotta make the ladyfingers for the bake sale, 10 00:00:25,568 --> 00:00:27,153 and I've gotta go by the gym. 11 00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:29,447 I left my phone there yesterday. I'll do all of that. 12 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,073 We're a team. 13 00:00:31,157 --> 00:00:32,992 When one of us is weak, we lean on the other. 14 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,595 Honey, you don't have to do that stuff. 15 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,621 Honey, with all you do for me, 16 00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:40,458 including going to the gym four times a week to keep me interested, 17 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,126 I got this. 18 00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:44,045 Don't you have houses to show today? 19 00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:45,671 They... canceled. 20 00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:47,215 Oh, pumpkin. 21 00:00:47,298 --> 00:00:49,300 Are you kidding me? It's lucky. 22 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,385 This way I get to stay here and take care of you. 23 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,971 Okay. [ Doorbell rings] 24 00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:59,227 Hey. Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy. Is Haley ready for school? 25 00:00:59,310 --> 00:01:01,854 She's on her way down. Don't get too close to my wife. 26 00:01:01,938 --> 00:01:04,398 Haley told you about that? It was just a dream. 27 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:05,650 Oh, god. 28 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,068 [Alarm chirps] 29 00:01:07,193 --> 00:01:09,904 Okay, that came from the kitchen. I thought it was in here. 30 00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:12,573 Really? Okay, you wait in here and listen for it. 31 00:01:12,657 --> 00:01:14,116 I'm gonna wait in there. 32 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,620 I mean, it's the least I can do after— Well, you know. 33 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,830 I'm coming with you. 34 00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:26,170 Boy, I wish Haley would date some other boys. 35 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:28,673 What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson? 36 00:01:28,798 --> 00:01:30,299 Don't. [ Chuckles ] 37 00:01:30,383 --> 00:01:33,144 I just feel like she owes it to herself to see what else is out there. 38 00:01:33,219 --> 00:01:35,179 The way that Dylan's always hanging around here, 39 00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:38,557 he's probably going to try to marry her the second she turns 18. 40 00:01:38,641 --> 00:01:41,894 Hey, you never know. Maybe those two are meant to be together... 41 00:01:41,978 --> 00:01:43,396 Like we were. 42 00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:46,148 Honey, Haley and Dylan are not us. 43 00:01:48,359 --> 00:01:50,611 No, I think that amount will be fine. 44 00:01:50,695 --> 00:01:53,155 I'm just happy you want Lily. 45 00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,950 I think you're going to be very happy with her. 46 00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,286 Okay. [ Phone beeps ] 47 00:01:58,369 --> 00:02:00,246 Cam, did you just sell our baby? 48 00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:03,499 No, but do you remember that agent we met that represents child actors, 49 00:02:03,582 --> 00:02:06,544 the one who said Lily might have what it takes and gave us his card? 50 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:09,797 - That I threw away. - That I fished out of the trash. 51 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,800 That was him on the phone. 52 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,678 They're shooting a children's furniture store commercial today, 53 00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:17,430 and they want Lily. 54 00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,157 Look, I threw away that card for a reason. 55 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:22,601 Come on. It'll be fun. And Lily'll be on TV. 56 00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:24,979 And we can put the money in her college account. 57 00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:28,107 No. Let's just let our daughter have a normal childhood, huh? 58 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:31,152 I think that gay cruise has sailed. 59 00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:32,903 It's just one commercial. 60 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:36,240 I don't like it. No. No. 61 00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:37,992 Oh, what? So that's it? 62 00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:40,286 You're the parent with final say? Why is that? 63 00:02:40,411 --> 00:02:43,039 Because you make the money? It's not about that, and you know it. 64 00:02:43,122 --> 00:02:46,125 I wouldn't expect you to understand us. You're not theater folk. 65 00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:48,836 And neither are you. You did godspe/I one summer in a barn. 66 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,463 You're barn folk. 67 00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:52,465 Get used to that jealousy, Lily. 68 00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:54,633 Ordinary people just don't understand us. 69 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,177 [ Forklift whirring ] 70 00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:58,554 [ Woman on P.A. ] Dennis to sh/pping and receiving. 71 00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,139 Ho/a, Jack. 72 00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:01,974 Hey, what are you guys doing here? 73 00:03:02,058 --> 00:03:05,394 Manny had a doctor's appointment so we're gonna catch lunch with Jay. 74 00:03:05,478 --> 00:03:07,313 - — Is he there? - Yeah, he's in back. 75 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:09,690 Good day, Jackson. Good day, Manuel. 76 00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:12,693 I see you're still forklifting. More like lifting the fork. 77 00:03:12,777 --> 00:03:14,820 Man. I was gonna say that joke. 78 00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:18,324 I'm sorry, but I gotta have lunch with my wife today. 79 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:21,619 I know, baby, but I had to marry her so she could stay in the country. 80 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,204 Oh, no. 81 00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:26,457 Where am I gonna find another husband that wears sweatpants to work? 82 00:03:26,582 --> 00:03:30,044 Resort wear. Mm-hmm. Maybe last resort. 83 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,272 I'm glad you guys stopped by for lunch, 'cause you know what? 84 00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:34,715 I gotta work a little late tonight. Oh, not tonight. 85 00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:36,717 Did you forget our date? 86 00:03:36,801 --> 00:03:39,178 No. No. I was kidding. 87 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:41,097 I had no idea what she was talking about. 88 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,681 Gloria, god love her, 89 00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:46,519 likes to celebrate every possible milestone in our relationship... 90 00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:48,062 The day we met, 91 00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:52,400 our first date— which I forgot, so we got in a big fight. 92 00:03:52,483 --> 00:03:54,568 Now we commemorate the big fight. 93 00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:56,445 I thought we could recreate the date. 94 00:03:56,529 --> 00:04:00,574 Do everything that we did the first time. So romantic. 95 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,786 You know, that's exactly what I was thinking. [ Giggles ] 96 00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:06,372 Ay, Jack is so nice. 97 00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:08,082 I think he really likes Manny. 98 00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:09,875 What he likes is getting out of work. 99 00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:13,629 Wait a minute— is that Manny driving? Is it? 100 00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:15,881 [ Screams ] 101 00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:19,635 Yeah, that's him. 102 00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:23,305 ,/' hey, neyj 103 00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:25,307 ,/' hey, neyj 104 00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:27,351 ,/' hey, neyj 105 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:29,311 ,/' hey, neyj 106 00:04:29,395 --> 00:04:30,521 j“ hey if 107 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,234 a y, my poor papi... 108 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:38,154 Two doctors in one day. Mom, I'm fine. 109 00:04:38,237 --> 00:04:40,072 The hospital said I could go back to school. 110 00:04:40,156 --> 00:04:42,992 No. You suffered a traumatic experience. 111 00:04:43,075 --> 00:04:44,743 I barely remember it. 112 00:04:44,827 --> 00:04:46,454 I remember crashing through the wall... 113 00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,057 And the ambulance ride to the hospital. 114 00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:49,602 That wasn't an ambulance. I drove you. 115 00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:51,625 Then what was that siren? That was your mother. 116 00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:54,753 - — I was not that loud. - Cars pulled over, honey. 117 00:04:54,879 --> 00:04:57,798 Jay, I'm sorry about your wall. Wasn't your fault. 118 00:04:57,882 --> 00:05:00,009 It was Jack's, and I've already taken care of him. 119 00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:03,262 - You kill him? - Can't kill people here. I fired him. 120 00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,890 But it was just an accident. He didn't mean it. 121 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:08,184 Guy's a screw—up. Should've been gone months ago. 122 00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,769 - — Can't we just give him another chance? - What is this “we”? 123 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:12,480 Let me explain something to you people. 124 00:05:12,563 --> 00:05:15,357 ' Fl here in this family, its we.” at work, it's “me.” 125 00:05:15,441 --> 00:05:18,569 My rules, my decisions. Penod. 126 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,404 That's not fair. 127 00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:25,493 - — You mad at me too? - No. You're right. 128 00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:27,620 It's your work. 129 00:05:27,703 --> 00:05:31,916 Besides, I can't be mad at you, not on our special day. 130 00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:34,293 Honey, I was thinking. 131 00:05:34,376 --> 00:05:35,878 With what happened to Manny, 132 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:39,673 maybe we'd better postpone our special day until next weekend. 133 00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:42,259 No, next weekend is the anniversary... 134 00:05:42,343 --> 00:05:44,220 Of the first time that I cooked for you. 135 00:05:47,932 --> 00:05:50,017 [ Woman on TV] Jesse, I'm sorry 136 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,894 how you doin', typhoid clairey? 137 00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:54,188 Hey, what are you doing home? 138 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:56,065 She caught your cold and had to come home. 139 00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:59,294 I thought we should contain you two and keep it from spreading through the house. 140 00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:01,320 Come here. I'm so sorry. 141 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,030 It's okay. Ohh. 142 00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:05,699 - Hey, did you finish my ladyfingers? - Not yet. 143 00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:07,928 - Did you pick up my phone? — not yet. - [Alarm chirps] 144 00:06:07,952 --> 00:06:10,013 Is that the smoke detector? I thought you fixed that. 145 00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:13,290 Boy, you're really starting to sound like your old self. Ugh. 146 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,963 You know what this reminds me of? Huh? 147 00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:22,383 When you were little and we used to snuggle and watch soap operas together. 148 00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,093 Remember that? Nothing's changed. 149 00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,554 Sonya's still married to that guy with the— [ Phone rings] 150 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:28,681 Wait a second. Bad hairline. 151 00:06:28,806 --> 00:06:30,307 Dylan? Okay. 152 00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:32,810 God, I miss you too. 153 00:06:33,978 --> 00:06:36,063 Oh, it's just a cold, silly. 154 00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:38,566 You don't have to conceive of a world without me. 155 00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:40,234 [ Both laugh ] 156 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:43,445 Oh, nothing. I'm just in bed with my mom. 157 00:06:43,529 --> 00:06:46,490 Stop freaking out. It is not coming true. 158 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:54,331 [Alarm chirps] 159 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:57,209 Uh, Mrs. Vaughn, it's Phil Dunphy. It's about 3:30. 160 00:06:57,293 --> 00:06:59,086 Uh, now, I know you said you'd moved on, 161 00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,922 but, um, there's been a significant price reduction... 162 00:07:02,006 --> 00:07:05,593 In the, uh, house in Sullivan canyon, which I know you loved. 163 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:08,429 So, uh, if there's any chance you might reconsider, 164 00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,306 I know you will not be sorry. 165 00:07:10,389 --> 00:07:12,600 I can meet you any time, so just give me a call. 166 00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:15,227 Any— any time. I can meet you wherever... 167 00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:18,147 [Alarm chirps] That place is that you feel would be best. 168 00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:20,357 Okay, thank you. Bye. [Beeps] 169 00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:23,068 Dad? Hey, buddy. 170 00:07:23,152 --> 00:07:24,570 How are you? What are you doing? 171 00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:26,322 Keeping the germs off me. 172 00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:29,491 You care about germs? I've seen you kiss a pigeon on the mouth. 173 00:07:29,575 --> 00:07:31,869 My class is going to Disneyland in two days. 174 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,495 I can't get mom's cold. 175 00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:35,289 Oh. Good plan. 176 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:38,709 I remember this. My dad bought it during the Cuban missile crisis. 177 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,629 I never got a turn in that. You think later I could— - yeah, maybe. 178 00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:43,339 What are you doing home in the afternoon? 179 00:07:43,422 --> 00:07:47,134 Oh, no big deal. I just had a couple of showings fall through. 180 00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:49,845 Again? You know what I always say. 181 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:53,015 Sure do. “Can't get back on that horse unless you fall off.” 182 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,476 That's right. Ow. That's loud. 183 00:07:55,559 --> 00:07:56,685 Sorry. 184 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,772 [Alarm chirps] Where is that coming from? 185 00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:03,400 Changing the battery in a smoke detector is what they teach you in man 101, 186 00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:06,236 so, of course, every time I hear that noise, all I hear is... 187 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,614 “Beep, beep. You're not a man. Beep, beep. You're not”... 188 00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:10,532 [Alarm chirps] Really? 189 00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:13,994 Hey, dad, can you open this for me? 190 00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:15,746 Oh, sure, buddy. 191 00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:17,831 [ Clears throat] [Zipper opens] 192 00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:19,333 Ow. Mmm. 193 00:08:19,458 --> 00:08:21,627 What happened? Broke a nail. 194 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,420 [Alarm chirps] 195 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,090 Mitchell, what's up? What do you mean? 196 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,443 You just sent me an urgent text saying to come right over. 197 00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:31,220 That was from me. I used Jay's phone. 198 00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:32,805 Oh, what happened to your face? 199 00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:34,598 Oh, just a little scrape—up. 200 00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:37,017 Mitchell, I'd like to engage your legal services... 201 00:08:37,101 --> 00:08:40,354 In representing my friend Jack in a wrongful termination suit. 202 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,022 Forget it. He's not coming back. 203 00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:43,607 Don't take the case, Mitchell. 204 00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:46,235 I don't think I was gonna take the case. 205 00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:50,948 Fine. Then under the circumstances, we have nothing further to talk about. 206 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,117 These will be my last words to you. 207 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,077 - Knock, knock. - Who's there? 208 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,788 Okay, you got me. 209 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:01,083 I hope you feel clever tricking a kid. 210 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:03,627 - Hello, Mitch. - Hi, Gloria. 211 00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,421 My god. Congratulations. 212 00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:08,132 Hmm? On what? Lily's commercial. 213 00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:10,384 Oh no, no. We turned that down. Are you sure? 214 00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,178 Because cam sent me a picture of her in her makeup chair. 215 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:16,223 Sorry. He what? It's so exciting. 216 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:19,685 You have to remember this day so that you can celebrate it every year. 217 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,898 Okay, folks, we're about 10 minutes from shooting. 218 00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:27,359 - — Is talent ready? - Yes, she sure is. 219 00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:30,237 Did you hear that, Lily? You're the talent. 220 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,156 Isn't that magical? 221 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,366 Ooh. Grapes. [ Chuckles ] 222 00:09:34,450 --> 00:09:37,077 Mmm. And that is a prop. 223 00:09:37,161 --> 00:09:40,414 Okay, we really gotta hang up this time. On the count of three. 224 00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:44,960 Ready? One, two, three. 225 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:49,256 Hello? I can't believe he hung up. 226 00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:52,050 I'm calling him back. Give me that. 227 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,764 [ Man on TV] How the he/I did you get through that? 228 00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:58,515 Oh, my god, is that Jesse? 229 00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,350 Mm-hmm. And he's still married to Angie. 230 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:05,022 You know something else you might find interesting... 231 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:09,777 Sonya is drinking because she married a buffoon when she was young, 232 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:13,572 and now she realizes she's wasted her entire life. 233 00:10:14,698 --> 00:10:17,326 Can you imagine making a mistake like that? 234 00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,703 Yeah, that must be horrible. 235 00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:24,917 Yeah, now she's just a bitter ghost of a woman filled with resentment. 236 00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:29,379 But that's what happens when you commit to someone before you see what else is out there. 237 00:10:30,589 --> 00:10:32,966 - [Alarm chirps] - [ Phil ] Seriously? 238 00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,843 She couldn't have laid it on thicker. 239 00:10:34,927 --> 00:10:36,804 “Ghost of a woman”? “Total buffoon”? 240 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,514 I'm not an idiot. 241 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,766 She was talking about her and my dad. 242 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:46,230 Yeah, well, maybe Sonya and her husband just need to work a little harder. 243 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:49,983 Can he give her those years back? 244 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,444 She could have been something. 245 00:10:52,528 --> 00:10:56,740 She could have traveled the world, been with fascinating men. 246 00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:59,117 She could have accomplished things. 247 00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,662 That's all she thinks about now... 248 00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:04,081 Every time she looks at him. 249 00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:13,757 Ah! Ow. 250 00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,260 Is that mom's apron? 251 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,178 [Alarm chirps] 252 00:11:18,262 --> 00:11:20,222 It's an apron. It's unisex. 253 00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:21,985 Some of the world's greatest chefs are men. 254 00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,642 But it's bumped out where the boobs go. 255 00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:26,562 - [Alarm chirps] - That's happening more and more. 256 00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:28,772 Hadn't noticed. [ Phone rings ] 257 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,861 [Beeps] Mrs. Vaughn. Thanks for calling back. 258 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,946 Yeah, I was just about to, uh... 259 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:43,287 I see. Is there anything I can say that will... 260 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,414 All right. Thank you very much, and if... 261 00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:47,624 Oh. Okay. Good—bye. 262 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,460 [Beeps] Did you lose another one? 263 00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:53,589 Hey. Can't lose something you never had, right, pal? 264 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,132 [ Doorbell rings] 265 00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:57,092 That was the doorbell, dad. Yeah. I know. 266 00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:01,346 So what happens if people stop buying houses? 267 00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:03,223 Are we all gonna have to getjobs? 268 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,726 It's just a little slump, buddy. Nothing I can't handle. 269 00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,397 Hi. I'm Ron. I work out with Claire at the gym. 270 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,982 Oh, yeah. Come on in. 271 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,460 I brought her phone back. She forgot it yesterday. Great. Thanks. 272 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,153 I'm Phil, Claire's husband. Oh. 273 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,996 Uh, Claire never mentioned she had a husband. 274 00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:19,531 [Alarm chirps] 275 00:12:20,866 --> 00:12:22,367 Nice to meet you. You too. 276 00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,077 Oh, sorry! I burnt my ladyfingers. 277 00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:26,997 [Alarm chirps] [Laughs] 278 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,960 [ Footsteps ] 279 00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:34,755 So quiet. 280 00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:37,132 It's like Christian silence reading room. 281 00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,843 - I'm fine. - So am I. 282 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,596 Okay, my two stubborn burros, I'm going out. 283 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,431 Manny, be a good boy. 284 00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,184 Jay, I'll see you later. 285 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,353 I think you know where. 286 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,104 Honey? 287 00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:53,649 You know what I was just thinking? 288 00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,359 You know how when people are in love, 289 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,402 sometimes they finish each other's sentences? 290 00:12:57,486 --> 00:12:59,655 Like, um, 291 00:12:59,738 --> 00:13:02,616 tonight we're going to... 292 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:05,410 Have fun. Yes. 293 00:13:05,494 --> 00:13:07,454 When we get to... 294 00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,456 Gether later. 295 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,208 [ Giggles ] 296 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:17,130 You have no idea where you're going, do you? 297 00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:18,966 - Tell me. - Hire Jack back. 298 00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:20,717 - Forget it. - Your funeral. 299 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:25,555 Okay, Lily, daddy's going to be right over here. Okay. 300 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,724 Oh, and, um, by the way, if it helps, 301 00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,559 I have a list of things Lily can do. 302 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,688 She can blow a kiss, flap her arms like a bird... 303 00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:34,940 - Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. - Okay. 304 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:38,193 - — Cam. Cam. - How did you get on the set? 305 00:13:38,276 --> 00:13:41,446 I walked on. It's not mgm. It's a warehouse behind a mattress store. 306 00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:44,408 I can't believe you went behind my back. We agreed... 307 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,868 We didn't agree on anything. You agreed. 308 00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:48,453 We don't have to agree on everything. 309 00:13:48,537 --> 00:13:50,390 I didn't like the book you bought her last week, 310 00:13:50,414 --> 00:13:53,059 but I didn't stop you from reading it to her. What was wrong with it? 311 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:56,211 How was it a big day for biscuit, Mitchell? How? 312 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:57,963 Okay, this isn't about biscuit. 313 00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,526 I know. It's about our daughter, Lily. 314 00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:01,567 No, you want the truth? I think it's about you, cam. 315 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:05,095 I think you're using our daughter to fulfill some childhood dream of yours. 316 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:08,557 Okay, parents, we're ready to start rolling. 317 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,559 Now, while we're doing the shoot, 318 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,912 Jim and Deb here will do the kids' voice—overs into the mic. 319 00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:14,479 Kinda like look who's talking. 320 00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:16,481 Oh. That's right. 321 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:19,165 There are a lot of important people here so I'm not gonna get mad, 322 00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:21,737 but I resent the implication that I would do anything... 323 00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,281 That's not in the best interest of our daughter. [ Buzzer] 324 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,367 Okay, let's try a take. And... action. 325 00:14:27,451 --> 00:14:32,330 [ Japanese accent] Oh, no! We are lost in a city of high furniture prices. 326 00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:36,043 [ Japanese accent] Oh! Can no one protect us from these high prices? 327 00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:37,169 Cut [buzzer] 328 00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:39,379 Lighting problem. One sec. 329 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:41,339 You can apologize to me any time you're ready. 330 00:14:41,465 --> 00:14:43,216 Are you kidding me? What? 331 00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,260 This commercial— It's—it's a big stereotype. 332 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,054 It's called “ironic.” no, it... 333 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,777 This is why Lily was perfect. She's Asian. 334 00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,557 She's a prop. It's called “niche casting.” 335 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,225 Stop telling me what stuff is called. 336 00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:55,437 You're so blinded by the spotlight, you can't see what's really going on here. 337 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,873 [ Buzzer] [ Director] Let's go again. 338 00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:59,399 [Woman ] All right, here we go. Let's roll, please. 339 00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:01,401 [ Director] Action. [Man ] Oh, no! 340 00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:04,988 We are trapped in a city of high furniture prices. 341 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:09,242 Oh! Can no one protect us from these high prices? 342 00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:13,580 - [ Man gasps ] Look. Over there. - Oh! 343 00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,874 [ Man ] It's save-zilla. 344 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:20,420 [Woman ] He's knocking down prices on everything from bibs to cribs. 345 00:15:20,504 --> 00:15:23,381 - [ Man ] Half off on playpens. - Ah! 346 00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:25,300 High chairs are low chairs. 347 00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,010 Excuse me. Excuse me. 348 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,846 - — Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. - Cut. What's the problem? 349 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:33,266 Don't you think this commercial just might be the teeniest bit racist? 350 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:35,352 I mean, “save-zilla”? 351 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,312 It's not racist. It's satire. 352 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,981 No, I know, but maybe we could just tone it down a bit. 353 00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:41,608 Maybe not hit the accent so hard? 354 00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,443 This is the commercial you agreed to. 355 00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:45,529 Yeah, well, I know. I just... 356 00:15:45,654 --> 00:15:48,198 I can't let my daughter do this. We had an agreement. 357 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,827 Well, I also have the best attorney in town, so do your worst. 358 00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:54,788 And by the way, Lily is Vietnamese, notjapanese. 359 00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:56,891 There's a big difference, but you wouldn't know that... 360 00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:59,060 Because you're only interested in seeing these children... 361 00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:02,379 As interchangeable stereotypes, not human beings. 362 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:04,923 Come on, Lily. Let's go. 363 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,134 Cam? [ Mutters ] 364 00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:08,718 Cam. That's not... 365 00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,554 Hi, buddy. 366 00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:15,600 There we go. 367 00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:17,686 Goin' to meet your mother. 368 00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:20,063 Figured it out all by myself. 369 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,065 Two years ago, we got our marriage license. 370 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,733 We went to a little hot dog stand. 371 00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,903 She said it was the most romantic meal she ever had in her life. 372 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:31,032 That's it, isn't it? 373 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:32,617 Yeah, that's it. 374 00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:38,057 Get this through your head: You can give me the cold shoulder the rest of your life... 375 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:39,541 Jack's not coming back. 376 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,585 See, I could overlook the goofing off, 377 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,428 but you could have been seriously hurt today. 378 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:47,048 Anybody puts my kid in danger doesn't get a second chance. 379 00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:48,925 Even 380 00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,886 I'll see you later. 381 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,221 Did you just call me your kid? 382 00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:55,140 Oh, geez. 383 00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,309 - — You've never said that before. - Sure, I have. 384 00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:59,186 Uh-uh. 385 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,771 Well, of course you're my kid. I mean, what do you think? 386 00:17:03,315 --> 00:17:06,193 - — You're going to the wrong place. - What? 387 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,861 It's not your wedding license. 388 00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,487 - What is it? - First kiss. 389 00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,072 No. Just tell me. 390 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:14,075 [ Exhales ] I mean your first kiss with my mom. 391 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,287 My god, you're right. Thanks. 392 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,543 - The pier. - Thanks. 393 00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:25,462 But maybe Sonya didn't make a mistake. 394 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,839 Maybe she just met her soul mate when she was young. 395 00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:30,967 No. No, no, no. That never happens. 396 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:33,637 See, she threw her life away, and now she wants out. 397 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,222 Okay, let's cut the crap. 398 00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,683 We're not talking about some character on a soap opera here, are we? 399 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,895 No. No, we're not. 400 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,480 Honey, I'm sorry. 401 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,190 I don't want to hurt your feelings, 402 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:49,986 but I've been feeling this way for a really long time, and... 403 00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:52,656 Can we be honest with each other? 404 00:17:53,657 --> 00:17:56,034 He's kind of a doofus. 405 00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:57,911 I guess, but_ 406 00:17:57,994 --> 00:18:00,163 I thought you liked that about him. 407 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:03,291 Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. No, I never did. 408 00:18:04,668 --> 00:18:07,963 Believe me, honey, there are many better options out there. 409 00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:10,173 - Like who? - I don't know. 410 00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:11,758 Off the top of my head, 411 00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:14,010 how about that cute guy who delivers the pizzas? 412 00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,595 He's, like, 18! 413 00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:17,180 So? [ Door opens ] 414 00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:20,183 Don't mind me, ladies. This is the last one. 415 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:24,062 I've changed the batteries in every last smoke detector in the house. 416 00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:29,693 Hey, dad, I think I found a place online where I can sell this organ. 417 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,403 Can you drive me to the black market? 418 00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:33,613 I think they mean a different kind of organ, buddy. 419 00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:35,258 Sweetie, why are you trying to sell that? 420 00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:37,617 In case things with dad's job get even worse. 421 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:41,454 Honestly, I don't know why everybody's making such a big deal. 422 00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:42,747 Everything's fine. 423 00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:46,793 [Alarm chirps] It makes no sense! I changed every one. 424 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:49,379 I'm gonna call my dad. No. We're not calling anyone. 425 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:50,964 I can handle this. 426 00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:53,842 Just need the ol' burglar basher. 427 00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:56,261 Is that your college cheerleading Baton? 428 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:59,222 [Alarm chirps] Not when you're on the business end of it. 429 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,349 [Claire] But Phil... 430 00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:03,810 Oh! Oh, my god. 431 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,853 Guess that one won't be chirping anymore, will it? 432 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,355 [Claire sighs] Honey... 433 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,734 Go after him. Oh, no. He just needs to blow off some steam. 434 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,944 [ Clattering ] [ Phil ] How's that for battery? 435 00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:14,988 Mom, like it or not, you made a commitment. 436 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,407 And maybe that doesn't mean anything to you anymore, 437 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,868 but you owe it to this family to save your marriage... 438 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,829 And give it one more try. What? 439 00:19:22,954 --> 00:19:25,665 [ Clattering ] [ Phil] End 0' the line, smoky Joe. 440 00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:30,670 Look, dad may be a doofus, but he is 10 times better than any pizza delivery boy. 441 00:19:30,754 --> 00:19:32,422 Go to him. 442 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,217 Did you— I just detected your ass getting kicked! 443 00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:39,220 Okay. Honey... 444 00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:40,972 Thought I forgot about you, didn't ya? 445 00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,141 Nope. Phil, no. Stop. 446 00:19:43,266 --> 00:19:46,144 I gotta stop the damn chirping. This isn't about the noise. 447 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:49,272 Sweetie, you're having a bad day. 448 00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:54,569 At the end of a bad month. I know. 449 00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:56,279 You know how scary that is, Claire? 450 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,573 No. No, I don't... 451 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,533 Because you never tell me the bad stuff. 452 00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,410 You only share all the good stuff. 453 00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:04,329 Honey, what happened to us being a team? 454 00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:06,498 Right? We're supposed to lean on each other. 455 00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:08,208 Honey... 456 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,418 I have faith in you. 457 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:13,838 Mmm. 458 00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,423 [ Sniffles ] 459 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:19,803 I must be catching your cold. Mm-hmm. 460 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,680 Okay. You know what? 461 00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:25,308 Let's just get new smoke detectors. 462 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,102 We already changed 'em out last year. 463 00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:29,646 - — Remember, buddy? You helped me. - Sure did. 464 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,708 Wait a minute. What'd you do with the old ones? 465 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,526 You told me to throw them in the garbage, 466 00:20:34,609 --> 00:20:36,653 so I put them in the attic to make a robot. 467 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,321 It's the old ones. 468 00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:41,199 The batteries are dying and we can hear 'em through the vents. 469 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,493 You did it, buddy. I'm sorry. 470 00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:48,206 I love you. I love you. 471 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,586 I did that. 472 00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:04,097 [ Doorbell rings] Oh. Must be the pizza I ordered. 473 00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:06,141 Pizza? You ordered pizza? 474 00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:08,852 Yeah. I was just sort of in the mood, you know? 475 00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:10,937 But we had pizza a couple nights ago. 476 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:13,982 I know, but I had an urge, and when I get an urge, I get an urge. 477 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,359 Okay. Here, I'll get it. No, sweetie. I've got it. 478 00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:18,045 No, mom. You're always asking me to do things. 479 00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:19,709 I'll get it. Here. Just sit back, relax... 480 00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,701 I'll get the pizza. Don't worry. Get the change. 481 00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,120 Here... 482 00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:29,664 And I think it's best you don't come around here anymore. 483 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:36,671 English - us - psdh