1
00:00:02,587 --> 00:00:06,465
So, the rate of diffusion
equals something...

2
00:00:06,549 --> 00:00:10,219
Times the square root
of something...

3
00:00:10,303 --> 00:00:11,679
[Sighs] I give up.

4
00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:14,223
Aw, so close!

5
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,392
Shut up! Don't
worry. Youfllgetn.

6
00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:18,203
You know, a lot of
famous scientists are women.

7
00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:20,021
They're fat though, right?

8
00:00:20,104 --> 00:00:23,024
Come on, Alex.
It's time for your cello lesson.

9
00:00:23,107 --> 00:00:24,525
How's the tutoring going?

10
00:00:24,609 --> 00:00:27,320
Are you familiar with the term
“throwing good money after bad”?

11
00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:30,823
Are you familiar with the term “Dunphy,
party of one”? Because you will be.

12
00:00:30,907 --> 00:00:33,451
- Girls. — Haley's coming
along really well, Ms. Dunphy.

13
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,703
Good! The key is to take a lot
of little breaks...

14
00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,705
So you don't get frustrated
and want to quit.

15
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:39,123
Got it.

16
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:40,583
I was talking to David.

17
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:41,751
Come on, sweetie.

18
00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:45,630
I'm just saying, she's
never gonna get a job.

19
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:48,216
And how do we know the right
middle eastern businessman...

20
00:00:48,299 --> 00:00:49,800
Wouldn't treat her great?

21
00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:51,427
I left my shopping list inside.

22
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,322
For the record, we thought
she could live with you.

23
00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:55,973
Like I'm gonna tell any of you
where I live.

24
00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,101
Haley!

25
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:04,065
What? We only do this
when I get one right.

26
00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:07,026
Mama should be here by now.
I wonder what's keeping her?

27
00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:08,527
Cam, that depends.

28
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:11,614
Did she take herjalopy
or one of them new fancy flyin' machines?

29
00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:14,533
Missouri's more Cosmopolitan
than you give it credit for.

30
00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:16,744
It's got a very vibrant
cowboy poetry scene.

31
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:18,955
Not sure you're making
the point that you think.

32
00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:20,915
- [ Doorbell rings]
- That's her. Come on.

33
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:23,000
Look alive. Look alive.

34
00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,836
My baby! Mama!

35
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,422
Oh, little boomer!
Oh, puppy kiss!

36
00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,174
[ Kissing ]

37
00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:31,819
Mitchell, get over
here! Oh! Hey, Barb!

38
00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:33,427
My baby's baby!

39
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,596
Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!
Oh, yeah! [Giggling]

40
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,181
Well, I don't
wanna overstate this,

41
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,725
but my mom is the greatest
woman that ever lived.

42
00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:41,269
Cam loves his mom.

43
00:01:41,352 --> 00:01:44,021
She raised four kids, two
barns and a whole lotta hell.

44
00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:45,564
That sounds like a country song.

45
00:01:45,648 --> 00:01:48,693
And that song would be called “the
greatest woman that ever lived.”

46
00:01:49,652 --> 00:01:51,153
Cam loves his mom.

47
00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:54,031
,/' hey, heyj

48
00:01:54,115 --> 00:01:56,075
,/' hey, heyj

49
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:58,202
,/' hey, heyj

50
00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:59,996
,/' hey, heyj

51
00:02:00,079 --> 00:02:01,372
j“ hey if

52
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:07,086
from the minute I met Barb
she has been open...

53
00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:09,505
And loving and caring.

54
00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:12,925
Oh, I have missed
these shoulders.

55
00:02:13,009 --> 00:02:15,094
Ohh— aaah!

56
00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:18,139
/fl had one complaint,

57
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:20,808
and I do,

58
00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:23,394
it's the...

59
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,564
Inappropriate putting of her hands
on my body.

60
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:30,151
Hey, Barb. Got you the Cranberries
you wanted for the stuffing.

61
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:32,570
Oh, bless your heart.

62
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,155
Mmm—mmm-mmm!

63
00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:35,823
Mmm—mmm-mmm!

64
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,825
Let me get in there and help ya.

65
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,786
Ohh. Ohh! Ohh!

66
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,580
And a horsie bite!
Ohh! [ Chuckles ]

67
00:02:42,705 --> 00:02:45,624
[ Tia reporter, ind/1911770!
I this is how I like to cuddle.

68
00:02:45,708 --> 00:02:47,585
[ Chuckles ]

69
00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:51,130
It's—it's been going on
a long time.

70
00:02:52,882 --> 00:02:54,967
Jay, you wanna go
to the mall with me?

71
00:02:55,051 --> 00:02:57,011
No, actually, my stomach's
a little funny today.

72
00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,679
Oh, I am so sorry, pap/I

73
00:02:58,763 --> 00:03:01,015
maybe we'd stop first
at the crib store...

74
00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:04,060
And you lay down and I buy you
a little dress, hmm?

75
00:03:04,143 --> 00:03:06,645
Gloria thinks Americans
are babies.

76
00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:10,483
Well, in Colombia we couldn't go run
to the hospital for every little sniffle...

77
00:03:10,566 --> 00:03:12,276
Or dislocated shoulder.

78
00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:15,696
[Grunts]

79
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:17,239
[ Groans ] [ Crunch ]

80
00:03:17,323 --> 00:03:19,116
[ Panting ] Okay, good.

81
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,036
5—6. I serve, huh?

82
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:24,121
[Ball bouncing]

83
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:27,458
Jay, what are your symptoms?

84
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,543
Nausea? Bloating?

85
00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:33,047
What did I say about getting off
that crazy doctor web site?

86
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,590
I'm just worried about Jay.

87
00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:38,135
Stomach pains can mean
a lot of things: Intestinal blockage...

88
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:41,680
- — Do you have a fever?
- Stop it! Manny, he's fine.

89
00:03:41,806 --> 00:03:43,057
Tell him you're fine. I'm fine.

90
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:46,602
Okay, good. Get in the car.
Uh, home fine, not mail fine.

91
00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:49,480
Jay, you know what happens
when I shop angry.

92
00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:51,107
I'll clear a space. Mmm.

93
00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:57,947
I'm not loving your color.
Go play.

94
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,075
Don't be a hero.

95
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:02,993
So, dumb guys
go for dumb girls...

96
00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:05,496
And smart guys
go for dumb girls?

97
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,957
- — What do the smart girls get?
- Cats, mostly.

98
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:11,043
So, Haley, how long have I been
paying this guy to make out with you?

99
00:04:11,127 --> 00:04:12,795
Uh, about a week.

100
00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:15,482
First it was just to shut him up,
but now I'm starting to like him.

101
00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:18,050
If you really like him though,
you have to break up with Dylan.

102
00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:20,177
What? No!

103
00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:23,055
Believe me. And it's best for
everybody if you just do it quickly.

104
00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:27,268
I can't believe we're having this
conversation. He's like part of the family.

105
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:30,271
Trust me.
It's the right thing to do.

106
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,939
[Whispers ] Just end it.

107
00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:34,358
Okay, but be gentle.

108
00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:36,861
Boys are surprisingly sensitive
at that age.

109
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:39,714
- — Water Polo girl story.
- Yes, I'm gonna tell the water Polo girl story!

110
00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,157
'Cause it hurt! Mmm.

111
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,285
[ Clears throat] Okay, so I'm
working in the principal's office.

112
00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:47,079
She walks in, hair all silver
from the chlorine...

113
00:04:47,163 --> 00:04:50,458
[ Inhales ] Tells me she
wants her varsity jacket back.

114
00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:53,961
I tear up a little.
Then I tear up a lot.

115
00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:55,754
I'm begging, I'm begging.

116
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,383
At some point I realize I'm sitting on the
button to the high school intercom system.

117
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,385
Yuk it up, ladies.

118
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:03,762
Wasn't funny then.
Is not funny now.

119
00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:05,431
It was traumatic, Haley.

120
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,016
[ Inhales]

121
00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:09,602
Don't do Dylan like Linda “the
cannon” concannon did me.

122
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:11,812
Honey,

123
00:05:11,896 --> 00:05:14,690
that was a long time ago.

124
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,901
I loved her. Okay.

125
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,569
I know.

126
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,697
You know what? Maybe I'll
call Dylan after he talks to Haley.

127
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,282
He's gonna need someone
to lean on.

128
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:26,285
That someone should not be
his ex-girlfriend's father.

129
00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:29,622
Honey, when Dylan is out of
her life, he should be out of ours.

130
00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:31,141
[Whispering ]
You've always hated Dylan.

131
00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,750
I have not always hated Dylan.

132
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,127
I have always thought
that Haley could do better.

133
00:05:35,211 --> 00:05:37,171
[Whispering ] Plus, the
new boyfriend is so smart.

134
00:05:38,297 --> 00:05:40,341
It's done. We broke up.

135
00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:42,718
- What?
- I texted Dylan. It's over.

136
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,262
[ Phone vibrating ]
Bet that's him.

137
00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:46,764
Yep.

138
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,849
Sad face emoticon!

139
00:05:48,933 --> 00:05:51,227
You can feel the hurt
through the phone.

140
00:05:55,231 --> 00:05:59,109
Cam's mom spent half of
dinner with her hands all over me.

141
00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:02,613
It was like she was blind and wanted
to know what my thighs looked like.

142
00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:04,698
Are you sure?

143
00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:07,701
Are you really the best judge
of this kind of thing?

144
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,704
You've had boundary issues
since you were a kid. I have not!

145
00:06:10,788 --> 00:06:12,831
Okay. Sorry. My mistake.

146
00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:15,334
Must be cam's mom.

147
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:16,835
Her issues.

148
00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:18,813
What are you doing?
Nothing. Just getting a spoon.

149
00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:19,981
Stop it. Is it bothering you?

150
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,045
Yes, it is. Hey, Mitchell.

151
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:22,359
Claire, stop it!
Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell.

152
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,385
Force field! [ Laughing]

153
00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:26,470
That never stops being fun.

154
00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:29,473
Good. Listen, this is—
This is not in my head, Claire.

155
00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:31,267
And it's actually getting worse.

156
00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,978
- — What does cam say?
- Well, he never seems to notice.

157
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,980
And I certainly can't
talk to him about it,

158
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,983
because god forbid I say
anything negative about his mom.

159
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,860
One time I added salt
to her casserole,

160
00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,862
and he went into the garage
and punched the car.

161
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:46,991
Okay, Mitchell, if this is happening,
and I'm pretty sure it isn't...

162
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,200
Thank you. Supportive.

163
00:06:48,284 --> 00:06:50,661
Then you need cam to see
his mom feeling you up...

164
00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,746
And then make cam
deal with it. Eeeww.

165
00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:55,499
[ Doorbell rings]
Think about it.

166
00:06:57,293 --> 00:06:58,377
Hi, Dylan.

167
00:06:58,502 --> 00:07:00,045
Hi, Mrs. Dunphy. Mmm.

168
00:07:00,129 --> 00:07:02,840
Or I guess now that Haley and I
broke up, I should call you Claire.

169
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:06,468
I actually think we're gonna stick with
Mrs. Dunphy. Come on in. How you doing?

170
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:07,970
Not so good. Hmm.

171
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:11,056
I mean, everywhere I look
I see her face.

172
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,183
Hmm. [Groans]

173
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:15,603
To be fair, Dylan,
that is a family portrait.

174
00:07:15,728 --> 00:07:19,356
I gotta go get some of my stuff.
Is that cool? Oh, sure. Yeah.

175
00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:22,484
[Sobs]

176
00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:24,153
There she is again.

177
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:27,281
[ Sobbing ]

178
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:29,284
Don't look on the bookshelf.
You're just gonna...

179
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,660
[ Screaming, sobbing ]

180
00:07:31,744 --> 00:07:35,539
Hey, kid, you got a minute? I need
the name of that medical web site.

181
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:38,709
Can this wait until I'm home?
I'm having the round of my life.

182
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:43,172
I've been thinking I might have a couple of
those— those symptoms you were talking about.

183
00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:44,798
Oh. I see.

184
00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:47,635
You might as well play through.
It's gonna be a while.

185
00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:51,096
I'm probably wrong,
but I just wanna make sure.

186
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:52,765
- — Is that Manny?
- Work.

187
00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:56,977
- Hmm. — so tell 'em I'll get
that order out this afternoon, huh?

188
00:07:57,061 --> 00:07:59,563
Did she buy that? Because
it sounded fake on this end.

189
00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:02,066
I'll talk to you later, Tom.
[ Beeps ]

190
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,859
Tom. Mmm.

191
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,070
Dylan!

192
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,739
Aw, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.

193
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,324
Hey, Mr. Dunphy.

194
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:13,452
Hey, now that you guys are broken
up, you can call me whatever you want.

195
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:16,038
Phil, vitamin p, p—daddy.

196
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:18,540
- — Okay, Phil.
- Okay.

197
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,961
I'm gonna miss that bad boy.
Might have to get my own ax.

198
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:25,339
Sometimes I come in here
and noodle on it.

199
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,549
Actually, I've been writing
a little song of my own.

200
00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:30,427
Might be able
to pluck out a few...

201
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,971
You know, I keep on hoping
that this is just a dream,

202
00:08:33,055 --> 00:08:35,182
that Haley and I
didn't really break up.

203
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,975
But it's not a dream.

204
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:40,312
Unless the whole thing was a dream
and we never even dated in the first place.

205
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:43,440
Weird. This is kinda what
my song's about. Yeah, weird.

206
00:08:46,944 --> 00:08:50,989
Hey. I know this is tough,
but you're gonna be fine.

207
00:08:51,073 --> 00:08:54,034
You know, I was a lot
like you in high school.

208
00:08:54,118 --> 00:08:57,162
Except my hair was shorter
and my guitar was a flute.

209
00:08:59,415 --> 00:09:03,335
Well, if you want your own guitar, I
mean, we could go out and pick you one.

210
00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:05,671
Oh, I don't know
if that's such a good idea.

211
00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:07,923
Yeah. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

212
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:11,051
Well, I guess I'll get going...

213
00:09:11,135 --> 00:09:14,138
So".lcan_.

214
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,348
Well, be alone forever.

215
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,811
Uh, what— what the hell.

216
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,438
Yeah!

217
00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,022
Let's go guitar shopping.

218
00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:25,441
Awesome!

219
00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:28,318
Uh, do me a favor.
Don't tell Mrs. Dunphy.

220
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:30,696
Yeah. Definitely. You got it.

221
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,240
All right. Well, I
guess I'll see ya.

222
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:34,323
Okay.

223
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:36,660
Y— you, uh— [window slides]

224
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:39,496
You can go ahead and exit
through the front door.

225
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,582
Oh, right. Habit.

226
00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:43,167
[Window slides]

227
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:47,421
- — My old yearbooks!
- I saved 'em all.

228
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,173
Ohh! [Chuckles]

229
00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:50,799
Oh, look. What?

230
00:09:50,883 --> 00:09:53,927
“You're the cutest boy in school.
We're gonna have an awesome summer.

231
00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,763
Smooches, Brenda.”

232
00:09:55,846 --> 00:09:57,431
[ Both laughing ]

233
00:09:57,514 --> 00:10:00,809
Oh, Brenda, you're about to have
the most confusing summer of your life.

234
00:10:00,893 --> 00:10:03,270
[Chuches] Hey, guys!

235
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,980
Hi! Oh, there's Mitchell.

236
00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:06,732
My little corn silk!
[ Laughing ]

237
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,734
Ahh— ohh!

238
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:12,905
Oh, Barb, oh, you are such
a good hugger. Vveh, gosh.

239
00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:14,740
Isn't she the best hugger?

240
00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:16,742
[ Chuckles ] [Sighs]
Oh, thank you.

241
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:19,953
Oh, and look what I got
you, Barb. What's tha— oh!

242
00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,580
[ Together] Scratchers!

243
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:23,207
Thank you. Mmm!

244
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,209
[ Kettle whistling
I nice! A lot of 'em.

245
00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:28,212
Oh, that's your tea. I'm gonna
get your tea. Thanks, honey.

246
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:30,047
Well, I need a quarter. Oh.

247
00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:31,732
Let me have that
quarter. Oh. Wow, yeah.

248
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:33,300
Feel free
to fish around in there.

249
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:36,011
Cam? Cam!
I'd like a cup too, please.

250
00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:37,429
Just a second.

251
00:10:37,513 --> 00:10:41,600
Oh, Barb, you know what? I
strained myself so bad today.

252
00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:43,769
Well, what's hurtin' on you? Oh.

253
00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:47,397
It's this area between my
lower back and upper thigh.

254
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,650
Sounds like your
Fanny. It's my Fanny.

255
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,318
It's really knotted up.

256
00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:53,320
Well, you need someone
to work on that.

257
00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:55,155
Oh, I would love that.

258
00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:58,909
It's really seized up. Just put
your fingers all over my— my Fanny.

259
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,786
Your magic fingers.

260
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,497
- Barb.
- Mama, your tea.

261
00:11:03,622 --> 00:11:05,249
Mitchell. Thanks, sweetie.

262
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,668
See you in the room
for a minute? Thank you.

263
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:10,212
- It's very hot. Don't burn your tongue.
- All right, honey.

264
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:17,386
Okay, I am not gonna cry,
but I wanna know why, Mitchell...

265
00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:20,013
Why you are presenting
to my mother like a baboon.

266
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,140
I wanted you to see her
fondling me.

267
00:11:22,266 --> 00:11:24,810
So you do want me
to cry. No, no, cam.

268
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:28,772
She's always touching me inappropriately,
and you never seem to notice.

269
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,190
Show me, Mitchell.

270
00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:33,151
Show me on Lily's doll where
my mother is touching you.

271
00:11:33,235 --> 00:11:37,948
Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but
she's handsy and it makes me uncomfortable.

272
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:41,076
Oh, my god. I know what this is.

273
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,304
You're just not used to having
a mother that shows affection.

274
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,664
Do not make this about
my mother. I didn't.

275
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,208
But it is normal for a
mother to be physical,

276
00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:50,669
and it is not strange...

277
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:53,547
For an occasional hug
or a little pat on the Fanny.

278
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:56,133
Okay, these aren't pats, cam.
No.

279
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,010
She squeezes and lingers!

280
00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:00,095
Show me where she
squeezes and lingers.

281
00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:02,264
[Sighs] Cam, put the doll down.

282
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:07,227
I don't know if this
is just sexual or crazytown,

283
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:11,481
but your mother cannot keep her
hands off of me and it's creeping me out.

284
00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:14,318
No. Oh...

285
00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:17,070
B-Barb. [Stammering ] I'm
sorry. [Gasping, whimpering]

286
00:12:17,154 --> 00:12:20,782
Let me show you
where you stabbed my mama.

287
00:12:20,866 --> 00:12:22,659
[Squeak]

288
00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:25,787
Thanks for helping me
pick out my ax.

289
00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:28,266
You were so right. The one with
two necks would have been overkill.

290
00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:31,209
If you want, you can have
some of that. Diet starts tomorrow!

291
00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:33,211
Don't tell Mrs. Dunphy
about this either.

292
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:37,341
I, uh— I— I always wanted to go to this place
with Haley, but she said it looked stupid.

293
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,885
She's a girl with strong
opinions, like her mother.

294
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:42,054
Claire hates this new
sweatshirt ibought

295
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:44,490
she says it looks like something
a girl would wear to the beach.

296
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,768
Yeah, it does.
But I wear it anyway.

297
00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:52,230
See? I figure, why be alive if you can't
do the things you're passionate about?

298
00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:55,067
What are you
passionate about, Dylan?

299
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,861
Uh, I always wanted
to drive to Graceland.

300
00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,071
Fun!

301
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,907
What else? I know a guy
who can get me a pet bobcat.

302
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,534
Yeah— no, you don't really
know what they're gonna do.

303
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:08,038
The point is, you got your
whole life ahead of you.

304
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,665
Enjoy being single.

305
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:12,668
I really oughta play that song
for you. This is all in there.

306
00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:14,419
- Yeah!
- Awesome!

307
00:13:14,503 --> 00:13:16,004
Be right back.

308
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,932
Hey, hey, come here.

309
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:29,810
Is that guy over there
with someone? Uh-huh.

310
00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:33,063
- —Could you tell if there was anything going on between them?
- I don't know.

311
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:36,316
They were talking about taking
a trip to Graceland together.

312
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,653
He just wants to go 'cause he
thinks it's an amusement park!

313
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,029
[ Huffs]

314
00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:48,495
I gotta tell you, this is looking
more and more like diverticulitis.

315
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:52,249
Do they say how to treat it, like a heating
pad or— [groans ] There it is again!

316
00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:55,544
Describe the pain. It's
like I'm being stabbed.

317
00:13:55,627 --> 00:13:57,796
But also like I ate a bad scallop...

318
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,798
That's stabbing me from the inside.

319
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,925
That's colorful,
but there's no box for that.

320
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,569
[ Gloria ]
What are you guys looking at?

321
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,387
Girls! Hufi'ingz'on
post! Uh, girls.

322
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,806
Manny, let me see that screen.

323
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,474
What did I tell you?

324
00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:12,102
It's not his fault.
I asked him to look.

325
00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:15,522
I'm starting to think I have a serious
problem here. Yes, you do! That computer!

326
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:18,233
You read it there, you
think it here, you feel it here.

327
00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:20,527
You wanna feel better?

328
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,946
There. You're cured!

329
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:28,785
Give me 15 minutes. Then tell Florence
nightingale I went to the hospital.

330
00:14:32,998 --> 00:14:36,293
$3 [ Plays note ]
33 [vocalizing ]

331
00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:39,379
- — J'j' [ Falsetto ]
- [ Door slams]

332
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:41,757
I'm gonna kill her!
I'm gonna kill him!

333
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,342
- I'm gonna kill both of them!
- What happened?

334
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,261
Dylan has a new girlfriend!

335
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:49,097
- — When did that happen?
- Who cares?

336
00:14:49,181 --> 00:14:52,809
I'm just surprised he
didn't say anything... to you.

337
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:55,437
He's not answering my texts.
How could he do this to me?

338
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,606
Uh, honey, you were
the one who broke up with him.

339
00:14:57,689 --> 00:15:00,942
I didn't think he was gonna
find someone so fast.

340
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:03,695
- — Maybe he's better than I thought.
- No, he's not.

341
00:15:03,779 --> 00:15:05,781
What? No, he's not better.

342
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:08,909
No. You know who's better?
David. David the tutor.

343
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,452
Smart—smart David?

344
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,537
[ Doorbell rings]
Maybe that's him right now.

345
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:15,874
Do you want the house to
yourself? Forjust a little while?

346
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:23,548
[Sighs] I got your
texts. You swore a lot.

347
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,467
- Who is she?
- Who is who?

348
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:28,386
Your new girlfriend. I need her name
and address so I can mess her up.

349
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,138
I don't have a new girlfriend.

350
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,182
Don't play dumb, Dylan. I'm not.

351
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,934
I'm never playing dumb.

352
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:36,186
I saw you
at that stupid restaurant,

353
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:39,022
sharing a sundae, with her
ugly sweatshirt on the chair.

354
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:40,607
[ Phone ringing]

355
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:44,111
Oh, is that the skank? No.
No, there's— there's no skank.

356
00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:46,255
Well, then why aren't you
answering it? [ Phone beeps]

357
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:49,407
Because I wanna talk to
you. Well, I wanna talk to her.

358
00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:52,744
I'm gonna call her back and tell her to
keep her hands off of what belongs to me.

359
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,746
[Sighs] Haley— [ Phone ringing]

360
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:57,958
Heho? Dad?

361
00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,543
Haley?

362
00:16:01,378 --> 00:16:03,839
Oh, my god. The sweatshirt.

363
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,674
That was you with Dylan?

364
00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:07,676
Wait, you're the other girl?

365
00:16:07,759 --> 00:16:08,969
No! We're just friends.

366
00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,470
Phil— shh!

367
00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:13,265
Okay, put the phone down.
What is going on?

368
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,058
He needed someone to talk to.

369
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:17,102
He took the breakup pretty hard.

370
00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:18,645
You did? But...

371
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:22,732
[Claire groans] Yeah. I kept on
hoping we'd get back together.

372
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:25,735
Thinking of you with someone
else just— just drove me crazy.

373
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,487
Oh, me too, baby.

374
00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:31,283
But then your dad helped me figure
out maybe it's best if we're apart.

375
00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,201
[Whispers ] Nice. I mean...

376
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:37,289
I think I just need a little
time to date Dylan. Mm-hmm.

377
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:40,333
And I mean me,
not another guy named Dylan.

378
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:43,128
So, we're still broken up?

379
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:45,046
Yeah, I think so.

380
00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:48,383
Vveh, okay.

381
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,468
Um,

382
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:52,304
I don't— I'll see you.

383
00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:53,597
Yeah.

384
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:55,682
Bye! Um...

385
00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,313
Are you okay, baby? Do
you need another pillow?

386
00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:04,232
I know you think this is nothing,
but he did say it could be an ulcer.

387
00:17:04,316 --> 00:17:06,026
He also said it could be gas.

388
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:08,486
Do you want me to burp you?
Come here. Come here.

389
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:11,489
Dollars to doughnuts
it's diverticulitis.

390
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:12,741
Actually, it's not.

391
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,367
Aha!

392
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,888
You have acute appendicitis. We
need to get you into surgery right away.

393
00:17:16,912 --> 00:17:19,331
Emergency surgery.
I told you it was something.

394
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:22,125
Aha! That can't be right.
You have to check again.

395
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,879
The tests are conclusive. Everything
will be all right, Mr. Pritchett. Let's go.

396
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:29,424
No, Jay! If that's true, then I'm the
worst wife in the whole wide world!

397
00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:31,384
I made you suffer
for two whole days!

398
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,845
Honey, it's okay.
No, it's not okay!

399
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:36,348
Why? Why do I always
almost kill my husbands?

400
00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:40,268
And I wanna hear this story some time, but
I'm sorta counting down to a rupture here!

401
00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:42,854
No! You can't go
without forgiving me!

402
00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,857
What if you die in there? What
do I do without you? I forgive you!

403
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:48,568
But nobody dies of an
appendectomy. True.

404
00:17:48,652 --> 00:17:51,947
It's usually the anesthesia that
gets you. You're over 60, right?

405
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:54,491
I will never forget you, Jay!

406
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:58,119
Could you go back
to not caring, please?

407
00:17:58,203 --> 00:17:59,579
Mitchell, it's Barb.

408
00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:01,998
Oh. Barb, I'm so sorry.

409
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:05,252
Well, no, h—honey, you hush.
Look, I...

410
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:07,379
I've been thinking
about what I heard,

411
00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:11,675
and... maybe I do
touch you too much.

412
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,803
And I could say
it's 'cause we're family,

413
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:17,305
but, you know, I don't know.

414
00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:20,767
I guess I have been
having some fun with you, and I...

415
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:22,936
I—I—I thought
that it was harmless,

416
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:26,523
but I would never want
to make you uncomfortable.

417
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,692
Barb, it's my fault too.

418
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,611
So we're okay?
Yes! Yes, of course.

419
00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:33,905
Thank god.

420
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:36,283
Because I couldn't
live with myself...

421
00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:39,786
If things stayed weird
between us.

422
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:42,122
Uh, cam! Cam! What is it?

423
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,874
Well, we got it all worked
out, sweetie! Oh, great!

424
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,086
Let me get my camera. Okay,
that's not necessary, h— no!

425
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:50,255
From now on, if I go too far,

426
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:53,383
please, you just tell
me about it. Okay.

427
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,093
What is th— oh!

428
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,845
[ Chuckles ]
Almost lost my bracelet.

429
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,638
Oh, wait a minute!
And there it is. Okay.

430
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,683
[ Laughing] Oh,
dang it! I'll get it.

431
00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,435
Oh, no. I saw
where it fell, honey.

432
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,937
Force field! Force field!
[ Laughing]

433
00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:07,461
[ Mitchell whimpers]
What's going on?

434
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:09,607
I lost my bracelet
in here. Mama!

435
00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:12,902
Listen, I think this might be
one of those situations...

436
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:16,448
Where Mitchell feels like
you're crossing a boundary.

437
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:18,241
Really? Yeah.

438
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:20,410
- — This too?
- Yeah.

439
00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:21,995
Well.

440
00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:28,001
I've gotta have a good, long
think about how I conduct myself.

441
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,586
I'm truly sorry, Mitchell.

442
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,963
It's okay. It's okay.

443
00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,983
Well, let's take one quick
picture— [Cameron ] Yeah.

444
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:35,607
And we'll get out of his way.
Absolutely.

445
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,469
Scooch together there.
It's all right.

446
00:19:37,552 --> 00:19:38,595
[ Cameron ] Okay.

447
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,263
[Beeps]

448
00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:46,478
Hey.

449
00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:48,438
I miss him.

450
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,023
Yeah.

451
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:52,317
He was your first
real boyfriend.

452
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,445
I keep expecting him to show up.

453
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,782
He used to come by at night
and I'd sneak out to see him.

454
00:19:58,907 --> 00:20:01,576
Yeah, I know. You knew?

455
00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:05,288
His car's 30 years old
and doesn't have a muffler.

456
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:06,873
And he honked.

457
00:20:08,583 --> 00:20:09,959
I loved that car.

458
00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:14,339
I rode in it
to the guitar store.

459
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:16,633
I felt like I was flying.

460
00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:22,555
I know it hurts now,
sweetheart, but...

461
00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:25,642
That's how you know it was
a relationship worth having.

462
00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:31,231
[ Sniffles ]

463
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,531
Thanks, dad.

464
00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:45,203
[ Car departs ]

465
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:59,384
So, Dylan,
are you iovin' Graceland?

466
00:21:00,635 --> 00:21:02,429
Yeah, that's true.

467
00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:05,432
Probably would be cooler
if they had roller coasters.

468
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:08,435
Still, it's fun to see
where the king lived, huh?

469
00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:10,520
No. No, no, no.
That's just an expression.

470
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,105
America doesn't have a king.

471
00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:14,941
Yeah. [Laughs]

472
00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:17,986
Oh, sure. Uh-huh.

473
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:20,989
When?

474
00:21:21,906 --> 00:21:23,950
Well, that's not
always the case.

475
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:25,452
Huh?

476
00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:28,455
So, did you get a chance to
listen to that song I sent you?

477
00:21:28,538 --> 00:21:31,499
No? You got seven minutes?

478
00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:37,338
English - us - psdh