1
00:00:03,254 --> 00:00:05,756
Good night, sweet
pea. Good night, honey.

2
00:00:08,384 --> 00:00:11,762
- — Mitchell, there's a stranger in our hot tub.
- Who is it?

3
00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:13,973
You do know what “stranger”
means, don't you?

4
00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:16,893
Oh, my g— oh, my god!
How long has he been there?

5
00:00:16,976 --> 00:00:20,313
I saw him exactly one second before you.
You know everything I know.

6
00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:23,482
Okay, I'm calling 911.
I'm getting my bat.

7
00:00:26,152 --> 00:00:27,612
Maybe we're overreacting.

8
00:00:27,737 --> 00:00:29,965
He could have a very good
reason. We should at least say hello.

9
00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:31,949
It's only polite. Okay.

10
00:00:33,326 --> 00:00:35,203
,/' hey, heyj

11
00:00:35,286 --> 00:00:37,288
,/' hey, heyj

12
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,373
,/' hey, heyj

13
00:00:39,457 --> 00:00:41,375
,/' hey, heyj

14
00:00:41,459 --> 00:00:42,627
j“ hey if

15
00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,964
so I looked that coyote
dead in the eye,

16
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:49,634
and I let him know,
without saying a word,

17
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,053
“I will not harm you,

18
00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:54,305
but I'm the Alpha here.”

19
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,808
And he just stared back at me,
mesmerized.

20
00:00:59,644 --> 00:01:01,062
- — Whoa.
- Yeah.

21
00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:02,563
Amazing.

22
00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:05,733
Turns out Barry just moved
into the apartment upstairs...

23
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,069
And thought the hot tub
was for the whole building.

24
00:01:08,152 --> 00:01:10,112
Anyway, he's a super cool guy,

25
00:01:10,196 --> 00:01:12,823
and he's straight,
so there's no weirdness.

26
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,909
Aside from you turning
into a 16-year-old girl.

27
00:01:15,034 --> 00:01:18,120
Idklnot [cfiggfing] yeah.

28
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,331
Cameron, give me your arm. Okay.

29
00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:28,047
What you doing? Oh, I'm
studying to be a reiki master.

30
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:31,342
What I'm doing is I'm transferring
my positive energy into Cameron...

31
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:34,387
And I'm taking out all the
negative energy. Okay.

32
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,013
Do you feel that? I do.

33
00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:39,392
Does it feel warm? It
does. It feels warm, Mitchell.

34
00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:42,144
Imagine that, in a hot tub.

35
00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:44,563
What are you gonna do
when he drives by?

36
00:01:44,647 --> 00:01:46,274
I'm gonna tell him to slow down.

37
00:01:46,357 --> 00:01:48,943
I think you should
drag him out of his car,

38
00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:52,071
and we all get turns punching him
in the stomach until he barfs.

39
00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:54,841
Honey, I think I'm just gonna
turn over his license plate to the police.

40
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,367
[ Scoffs ] Please.

41
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,494
Order a pizza and call the cops.

42
00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:00,121
We'll see who gets here first.

43
00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:02,873
Ever since the y put
those speed bumps on oakmom',

44
00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:06,127
some lunatic driver
in a crazy sports car...

45
00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:08,796
Has been racing down our street,
and it is dangerous.

46
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:11,007
We've got kids here
and babies in strollers...

47
00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:12,591
And moms who like to jog.

48
00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:14,385
She has to run every day
or she goes crazy.

49
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,970
She's like a border collie.

50
00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:18,055
You're comparing me to a dog?

51
00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:21,100
The smartest dogs in the world.

52
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,940
What are you guys doing?
What the cops won't.

53
00:02:28,024 --> 00:02:29,483
We are catching that speeder.

54
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:31,652
And when we do, he's gonna
get an earful of this.

55
00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:33,029
Slow down, jerk!

56
00:02:33,154 --> 00:02:35,489
Okay. Easy. Oh, my god.
Mom, what are you doing?

57
00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:38,326
Why are you being such a
freak? I am being a freak for safety.

58
00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:39,744
And I'm doing this for you,

59
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,763
because I don't want
anything bad to happen to you.

60
00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:44,081
Well, it's embarrassing.
Mom, you need a life.

61
00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:48,419
Why can't you just volunteer at the museum
or bring pudding to old people?

62
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,689
Honey, if anybody's being embarrassing
right now, it's you.

63
00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:53,466
[ Deep voice ] Luke, I
am your father. [Laughs]

64
00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:55,593
That takes me back
to the delivery room.

65
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:58,405
That's what I said to you when you
were coming out of your mom's lady parts.

66
00:02:58,429 --> 00:03:00,222
Oh, my god, dad!

67
00:03:00,306 --> 00:03:01,974
Oh, my god. I know those girls.

68
00:03:02,058 --> 00:03:03,618
[Cell phone ringing] What,
are you ashamed of us?

69
00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,644
Yes! [ Phil] Sweet valley high!

70
00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:08,981
This is that woman from the
house on seventh street. Ooh, good.

71
00:03:09,065 --> 00:03:10,858
If I sell it by
the end of next month,

72
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:13,235
I dethrone Gil thorpe
as salesman of the quarter.

73
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:15,237
That's awesome, dad.
It is awesome.

74
00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:16,781
[Beeps] [ Engine revving]

75
00:03:16,906 --> 00:03:18,675
Phil Dunphy. Yeah.
That's it. That's the speeder.

76
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,534
Slow down, jerk! Slow down!

77
00:03:20,618 --> 00:03:23,412
- Yeah, that's great. Okay, fire away.
- 2-u-r-n-8-o...

78
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,873
Yeah. What's the address?
2-u-r-n-8-0-1.

79
00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,291
Yeah. Okay, 1—0— a pen.

80
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,960
I gave it to dad.
Okay, 101 north...

81
00:03:30,086 --> 00:03:32,046
2—u—r— oh, god. Seventh street.

82
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:33,506
Okay. 10-4.

83
00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:36,884
This is gonna be
my best year since 2006.

84
00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,930
Let's go, kid.
Back to the salt mine.

85
00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:43,849
- — That's okay, Jay. I'm biking to school today.
- Good for you.

86
00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:47,436
There's a bunch of cool kids who ride their
bikes every day. Thought I'd join them.

87
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,397
Hey, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

88
00:03:49,522 --> 00:03:52,108
What the hell is that?
My new bike.

89
00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:54,527
Mom got it for me yesterday.
Pretty sweet, huh?

90
00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:57,863
It's got training wheels.
Nice ones. Custom-made.

91
00:03:57,988 --> 00:04:00,032
They don't usually come
on bikes this size. Gloria!

92
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:02,159
What's wrong? You don't
know how to ride a bike?

93
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:06,372
- I know how to ride this bike.
- Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.

94
00:04:06,497 --> 00:04:10,167
Ay. What happened? Did
he fall? How could he fall?

95
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:13,480
You can't send him to school on a bike with
training wheels. They'll make fun of him.

96
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,214
Didn't you teach him
how to ride a bike?

97
00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,383
How could I?
I don't know how to ride a bike.

98
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,694
Two—thirds of my house can't do
what a billion Chinese do.

99
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:22,179
My mother thought
that riding a bike was dangerous.

100
00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:24,265
She would say,
“that's how people grab you.”

101
00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:27,518
Okay. This is how it's going down.
Today I'm driving you to school.

102
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,563
On the weekend, I'm buying you a bike
and I'm teaching both of you.

103
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:33,065
I'm nervous, but I'm excited.

104
00:04:33,149 --> 00:04:36,110
You two have fun. I pass.
It makes no sense.

105
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,113
There's no reason
that thing should stay upright.

106
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:40,656
There's no reason
you should stay upright, but it just works.

107
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,324
[ Clicks tongue, scoffs]

108
00:04:42,408 --> 00:04:44,743
[ Knocking ]

109
00:04:44,869 --> 00:04:47,913
Hey, Phil. Come on in.
Laura, good day.

110
00:04:47,997 --> 00:04:51,917
Boy, I couldn't love this entry any more.
It's very welcoming.

111
00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:54,521
Yeah, I got a thing in 10 minutes,
so I have to make this quick.

112
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:58,257
Great. Let me run through my three-pronged
approach to selling this place.

113
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,468
I only need one prong:
Sell the house.

114
00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:04,388
I don't want to be that yutz who prices her
house too high so it sits around for a year...

115
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:07,057
While every looky—loo
without something to do on sundays...

116
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,726
Is going through
my underwear drawer.

117
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,163
- — What's a number?
- There are quite a few factors to take into...

118
00:05:11,187 --> 00:05:12,646
Need a number.

119
00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:16,066
We list at 1.4.
We take anything north of 1.25.

120
00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,776
Done!

121
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:19,195
Great. [Laughs]

122
00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:21,780
- — I got all the paperwork right here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

123
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:24,384
You gotta buy me a beer before you
could put your hand up my sweater.

124
00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:26,327
Oh, I had no intention...

125
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:29,413
Put on a great open house this weekend,
the listing's yours.

126
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,165
[ Door opens ]

127
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:35,002
Bring it, Laura. You wanna test me?
I've been tested my whole life.

128
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,505
They could never find anything.

129
00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:40,508
So, uh, Sunday, 12:00 to 4:00
for the open house?

130
00:05:40,633 --> 00:05:42,134
That works for you? Great.

131
00:05:42,218 --> 00:05:45,262
Great. And if you have any questions
or you need anything, just call.

132
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:48,224
When you work with me, you're
working with a friend. That is so sweet.

133
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,976
I like you.
God, I hope I don't have to fire you.

134
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,861
Hi. This is Claire. Leave
a message. [Beeps]

135
00:06:00,945 --> 00:06:04,573
Hey, honey, it's me. I just finished
the meeting, and she is the perfect client.

136
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,910
[ Engine revving] Realistic about
the price. She wants to sell fast.

137
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,788
She's a real character.
You gotta meet her.

138
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,457
[Tires squealing]

139
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,837
But she's moving soon,
so what's the point?

140
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:23,968
[ Exhales ]

141
00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:26,887
Hey! Wow. You worked late.

142
00:06:26,971 --> 00:06:29,139
Yes. Brutal day.
I just wanna sit.

143
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,850
Perfect. Lily's asleep.
Barry's meeting us in the hot tub.

144
00:06:31,976 --> 00:06:34,579
If you're feeling stressed, he can
give you a treatment. Ah, that's all right.

145
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:37,690
I have an appointment with Dr. Bigfoot
tomorrow. Okay, here comes the judge.

146
00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:41,068
[Sighs] Reiki is a bunch of nonsense,
cam. That guy's a nut.

147
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:42,987
You do this every time.
We meet a new friend.

148
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,382
They say one thing you don't like
and you just write 'em off.

149
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,551
- — I do not.
- Oh, really? What about “but yet” Rachel?

150
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:50,411
[ Imitating ] “I'd love to go,
but yet I don't feel like parking.”

151
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,472
[ Normal voice]
It's either “but” or “yet,” not both.

152
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:54,641
You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.
What about Thomas?

153
00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:57,251
You wrote him off because
he serves a salad after the meal,

154
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,503
which, by the way,
is very common in Europe.

155
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,630
What part of Europe is he from?
Pretentioustan?

156
00:07:01,714 --> 00:07:03,841
Okay, fine. Keep judging.
Don't let anyone in.

157
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,152
- — I could care less.
- I think you mean you couldn't care less,

158
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:08,613
because if you could care less,
it means you care a little bit.

159
00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:12,349
I'm going to the hot tub. If I stay here one
more minute, my head is literally gonna explode.

160
00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:13,827
I hope not,
because if you mean literally...

161
00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:15,853
I don't feel safe
in my own home!

162
00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:21,025
- [Claire] Phil, honey, I need your help.
- With what?

163
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,944
What is the one thing
a speeder can't outrun?

164
00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:26,113
Ooh. Bullets. A laser.

165
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:27,656
Oh, I know. A falcon.

166
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,241
Dad, jump in. Not a good time.

167
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:30,868
A laser—falcon. That's awesome.

168
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:33,704
Shame.

169
00:07:34,747 --> 00:07:37,583
[ Haley]
“Slow down your neighbors”?

170
00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:41,545
No. “Slow down,” talking to the speeder.

171
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,881
Who's talking to the speeder?
“Your neighbors.”

172
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,800
It doesn't say that. Yeah, it just
says, “slow down your neighbors.”

173
00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:48,969
- Phil.
- I know what you were going for,

174
00:07:49,053 --> 00:07:51,072
but now all I can see
is “slow down your neighbors.”

175
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:54,433
Well, you're all wrong, 'cause this is
incredibly clear. And it's really important.

176
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:56,494
We need to put these signs up
all over the neighborhood.

177
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:58,479
I don't know. It seems
kind of cowardly. Mm-mmm.

178
00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:00,707
Why don't you just make
an anonymous call to the police?

179
00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:03,233
I called the police,
and they were totally unhelpful.

180
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:05,069
Surprise, surprise.

181
00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:07,422
Phil, come on. You with me
or not? Of course I'm with you.

182
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:10,366
Who else would I be with? This guy?
I have no connection to this guy.

183
00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:11,575
No! Good.

184
00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:14,662
Fine.

185
00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:17,581
Before you judge me,
I have come in second to Gil thorpe...

186
00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:20,668
For salesman of the quarter
seven quarters in a row.

187
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,628
Seven.

188
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,505
Nobody remembers second best.

189
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:28,509
Oh, yeah, everybody loves Michael Jordan,
but nobody thinks of scottie pippen.

190
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:32,596
The only reason I remember him is because
he's named after my favorite musical.

191
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,515
[ Whistles ]

192
00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:36,058
Oh. Hey, Mitch.

193
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,185
Hey, it's Barry. I just
wanna let you guys know...

194
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,163
You got a sprinkler head
that's leaking out there.

195
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,827
Thanks, Barry.
I'll let the gardener know.

196
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:45,651
All right. Or maybe I can just
wave my hands over it and heal it that way.

197
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:48,445
I'm joking.

198
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:49,863
Oh. [ Laughing]

199
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:52,825
- — Oh, god! That was a good one.
- Look, don't worry about it.

200
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,508
As soon as I started talking
about reiki,

201
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,513
I could tell you thought
I might be a little nutty.

202
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,497
Ah. Was I that obvious?

203
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,666
- — You roll your eyes a lot.
- [ Laughs ]

204
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,335
[Laughs] I know.
It's true. Itshuethough

205
00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:06,380
I once saw a picture of myself
at a friend's poetry slam,

206
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:09,383
and all you could see
were the whites of my eyes.

207
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:12,010
Yeah, I looked
like little orphan Annie.

208
00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:13,137
The cartoon.

209
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,139
I'm sorry if I offended you.

210
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,391
No, don't apologize. Look, I...

211
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:20,310
Only thing that offends me is a man
who doesn't live in his own truth.

212
00:09:22,146 --> 00:09:24,749
And I appreciate how hard you're trying
not to roll your eyes right now.

213
00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,859
'Cause I'm about
to pass out. I see it.

214
00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:30,237
[ Manny] Okay, I'm ready!

215
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,822
[Grunts]

216
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,242
What the hell is he wearing?

217
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:36,869
Protection pads. He needs more?

218
00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:39,246
We're riding bikes.
We're not training police dogs.

219
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:40,998
All right, kid, come on. Get on.

220
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,501
On board.

221
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:46,670
That—a—boy. All right, we ready?

222
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,505
Ride.

223
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,841
Be careful, papi. Ignore her.

224
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,761
I've seen the kid fall down
on that moving sidewalk at the airport,

225
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:55,512
so I didn't have high hopes.

226
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,265
- — Whoa.
- [ Laughs ]

227
00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,684
But what do you know,
the kid was a natural.

228
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:02,770
Mom, it's so easy.

229
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:04,772
Bravo, Manny! I told you.

230
00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,815
Be careful with the bump.

231
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,567
Hey, wait a minute.
Who's that guy?

232
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,152
Jay, he's gonna grab him!

233
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:12,613
Ah, no one's grabbing anyone.
It's a neighbor.

234
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:15,657
Gloria, on the other hand,
was a natural disaster.

235
00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:19,077
There are three things you wanna do
before you ride. Manny.

236
00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:22,331
Check your shoelaces,
adjust your mirror and test your bell.

237
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:25,542
Okay, shoelaces tied.
The mirror is good.

238
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:28,378
[Bell ringing]
The bell is ringing.

239
00:10:28,504 --> 00:10:30,214
Okay, now what? Ride.

240
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,841
Ay, no, no, no, Jay.
Don't push me. I don't want to get hurt.

241
00:10:32,925 --> 00:10:35,344
Trust me, I'm not gonna hurt you.
You're a work of art.

242
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:37,179
If you get scratched,
the value goes down.

243
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,681
I'm making a joke to lighten
the mood. It's not working.

244
00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:41,266
Let's just do this.

245
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,352
Okay.

246
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:45,103
Slowly.

247
00:10:45,187 --> 00:10:46,814
Jay, slowly.

248
00:10:46,897 --> 00:10:49,066
Relax. You're not gonna fall.
Igotya.

249
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,693
Put your feet on the pedals.
Now look where you're going.

250
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,419
Look where you're going.
No, I'm falling.

251
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,155
Look straight ahead.
Go, go, go. Pedal!

252
00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:56,657
No, Jay! [Bell ringing]

253
00:10:56,782 --> 00:10:58,492
What are you ringing
the bell for?

254
00:10:58,617 --> 00:11:00,744
Why you let me go, Jay?
No, no! Pedah

255
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:04,039
no, look where you're going!
Look where you're going!

256
00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,624
I'm gonna kill you, Jay!

257
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,168
Okay. Good day's work.

258
00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:10,504
What do you say
we hit the jewelry store?

259
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,381
[ Hammering]

260
00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:20,055
Phil? Laura.

261
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:21,682
What are you doing?

262
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,518
Taking this... sign down.

263
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,728
I recognized your license plate.

264
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:30,190
This is ridiculous. I know.
They're all over the neighborhood.

265
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:33,902
What kind of lunatic does
something like this? Who knows?

266
00:11:33,986 --> 00:11:35,737
It's probably
some bored housewife...

267
00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:37,906
Who hates her husband
and hates her life,

268
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:39,992
so she takes it out
on the rest of us!

269
00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:43,161
Or things are so good at home,
she's out looking for problems.

270
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:45,956
Trust me.
This woman needs to get laid.

271
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,166
I don't think that's the issue.

272
00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:49,960
Here. Stick this up.

273
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,337
Send her a message from me.

274
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,047
Okay.

275
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:55,591
[ Car approaches ]

276
00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:57,175
[ Honking]

277
00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:59,011
Hey! Hey!

278
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,889
- — Oh, my gosh. What happened to my sign?
- I don't know.

279
00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:05,058
I put it up. I went away.
I came back.

280
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:07,019
It was in pieces.

281
00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:08,854
- — This is so crazy.
- Crazy!

282
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,356
Claire,
this whole thing is crazy.

283
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,358
Maybe we should back off
a little bit.

284
00:12:13,442 --> 00:12:16,904
You know what, Phil? No.
I am not gonna back off.

285
00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:20,490
Okay? I am doing this
for the safety of our neighborhood.

286
00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,784
[Tires squealing]

287
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,248
[Moaning]

288
00:12:28,332 --> 00:12:30,334
[ Door opens ]

289
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:33,587
Oh! Well, what's going on here?

290
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:36,506
Hey, cam. Just getting
rid of some negative energy.

291
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:38,759
Oh. Well, in that case,
we'll be back Tuesday.

292
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:41,136
[ Exhales ]
You're all set, Mitch.

293
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,639
Oh, Barry. Hmm.

294
00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:45,807
Oh, man, that was—
That was great. Yeah?

295
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,809
Namaste, man.

296
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:49,603
Namaste, namaste,

297
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:51,456
[ Barry] All right.
I'm gonna get out of your hair.

298
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,858
I'm gonna grab a quick tub
and see if I can rustle up some food.

299
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,861
Oh, no. Hey, don't rustle.
We're making dinner tonight. You're coming.

300
00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,404
Yemmcomedown yeah?

301
00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,448
Yes. Yes. Thank you, Mitch.

302
00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:04,534
See? It's working already. Oh!

303
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:06,161
Namaste, [ Mock gasp ]

304
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,000
What? You know
what I'm looking for.

305
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:14,127
He's a very nice guy.
That's not it.

306
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:16,230
- — I'm sorry I made a snap judgment.
- Still not it.

307
00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:18,632
- You were right.
- There she is.

308
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:24,096
[Woman ] Hello, Mitchell.

309
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:27,140
Oh, Mrs. Ko. I'm Cameron.
Mitchell's the other one.

310
00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:30,203
- — What are you doing here?
- I just finish showing the apartment upstairs.

311
00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:31,645
What do you mean?
What about Barry?

312
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:33,397
Who's Barry? The new tenant.

313
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,124
Nobody living up there.
It's empty. [ Car honks ]

314
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,651
You see anybody up
there, you call me. But...

315
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,320
[ Honking] Oh! My husband.

316
00:13:40,404 --> 00:13:42,197
I'm coming!

317
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,283
You two so lucky
they don't let you get married.

318
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,541
[ Barry sneezes ]

319
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:06,555
The problem wasn't me.
It was Jay.

320
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,765
He's a very bad teacher.
Very bossy.

321
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,600
I don't respond to that.

322
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:13,937
I need somebody gentle, nurturing—
Like a woman.

323
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:15,814
[ Doorbell rings]

324
00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:18,025
Hey, Gloria. What's up?

325
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:19,943
Can you teach me
how to ride a bike?

326
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,070
You can't ride a bike?
I love that about you.

327
00:14:22,154 --> 00:14:23,965
I was beginning to think
you didn't have any flaws.

328
00:14:23,989 --> 00:14:26,324
Listen, I wish I could,
but I'm late for an open house.

329
00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:27,659
Oh. Yeah.

330
00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:29,494
[ Car door closes ]
I could teach you.

331
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,329
Really? Sure.

332
00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:34,666
I'm a great bike rider.
I've taught a bunch of my friends.

333
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,544
I never taught anyone anything.

334
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:40,589
But my playdate canceled,
so I was wide open.

335
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,137
Barry? Yep.

336
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:53,351
Oh. Hey, Cameron.

337
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:55,062
What are you doing in there?

338
00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:57,397
I'm just tidying up a little bit.
What's up?

339
00:14:57,481 --> 00:14:59,401
Are you living in our daughter's
Princess castle?

340
00:14:59,483 --> 00:15:01,902
What? No. Don't be ridiculous.

341
00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:03,445
I'm living in here, man.

342
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,030
I'm sleeping in there.

343
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,240
You said you had just
moved in upstairs.

344
00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:11,036
No, I said I just moved in. I'm—
I'm sorry. I thought it was implied...

345
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,537
That you're living
in a Dollhouse?

346
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:14,706
Let's not do this
outside, all right? [Sighs]

347
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:16,809
You wanna go inside
and talk about this like two adults?

348
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,919
Yes, let's do that. Great.

349
00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:21,588
No. No. It's okay.
I just cleaned up.

350
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,340
[ Groans ]

351
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,343
Come on in.

352
00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:30,097
Oh, my god.
You are living in here!

353
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:32,641
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Inside voices.

354
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:36,645
All right.

355
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,980
Barry. Uh-huh?

356
00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:40,565
Are you homeless?

357
00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:42,609
[Laughs] Homeless?

358
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:44,694
Are you insane?
Look at this place.

359
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,446
I mean...

360
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:48,740
Okay, I can't even believe
I'm having to say this,

361
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:52,661
but you can't— you
can't stay here. Oh, boy.

362
00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:55,580
This is about the bodywork
I did with Mitchell, isn't it?

363
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:57,749
I would understand
if that was— no.

364
00:15:57,833 --> 00:16:01,086
You are living in a little girl's toy,
and you have to move out.

365
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,606
Well, this is gonna make dinner
really awkward. There's no dinner.

366
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,841
Dinner is off, okay?
Now come on. Let's go.

367
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:08,593
No, no. Don't—don't touch me.
I don't like to be touched.

368
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,512
You're a massage therapist.

369
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,639
I'm a reiki master.
Very little touching.

370
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,599
Okay. Barry, listen to me.

371
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,935
Okay. You're a very nice man.

372
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:19,521
- Mitchell and I like you very much.
- Thank you.

373
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,858
But I'm— you're welcome.
I'm going to take your hand.

374
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:25,152
Yes, I am.

375
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:27,487
Don't give me the coyote look.
I'm not a canine.

376
00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:29,906
We're gonna walk out
of here together. Mmm.

377
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,241
Nobody's gonna hurt you.

378
00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:33,566
This is not gonna end very well.
Let— give me your hand.

379
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:39,499
[ Clattering ]
[ Screaming, grunting]

380
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:41,793
- — Barry! Give me your—
- Oh.

381
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:45,005
[ Clattering continues ]
Mitchell, call 911.

382
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:47,007
- What's happening?
- Barry's a nut!

383
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,259
He's been living
in Lily's castle! Ouch!

384
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:53,305
- Hey, Mitchell.
- Oh, my god. I thought he was living upstairs.

385
00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:56,188
Just call the police. You want me
to stop and give you the whole story?

386
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:58,226
I never— I never said upstairs.

387
00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,979
Mitchell, call 911!

388
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:04,357
Stop pinching me! Okay,
just for the record, I was right.

389
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:07,027
I still don't think
you should judge people!

390
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:08,570
I said get off me!

391
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:12,199
Okay, Gloria, what scares you
about riding a bike?

392
00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:14,242
Losing control and falling down.

393
00:17:14,326 --> 00:17:15,827
Great. What else?

394
00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:17,495
Somebody grabbing me.

395
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:19,539
That's weird. What else?

396
00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,042
Looking foolish. Okay.

397
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,336
See, all these bad thoughts
are holding you back.

398
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:27,297
Hmm. So how do we get
rid of these bad thoughts?

399
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,258
- — We shoot 'em out.
- No, don't you dare.

400
00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:32,344
Ride! Don't you dare!

401
00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:34,012
Luke, stop it! Ride!

402
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,598
No! No, no! I said ride! Ride!

403
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,267
I'm gonna tell your mother!
What, that you're riding a bike?

404
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:41,144
No, that you're...

405
00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:43,396
Yes, I'm driving the bike!

406
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,023
Whoo—hoo!

407
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,525
[ Gloria ] /t was the greatest feeling
in the world.

408
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:50,946
Luke was right.
There was nothing to be afraid of.

409
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:54,407
[ Engine revving]

410
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:56,993
[Tires squealing]

411
00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:02,707
Get off the bike!
Jay/ don't grab me!

412
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:04,668
Give it to me.
No, no. Don't grab me.

413
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,253
Go, go, go, go, go, go!

414
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,296
Laces, mirror, bell.

415
00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,465
[ Bell rings] Slow down, jerk!

416
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,551
[Bell ringing] [Tires squealing]

417
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,973
Thanks so much for coming.
It was great to meet you both.

418
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:21,476
[Tires squealing]
Have a good one. Wow!

419
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,687
See you later.
[ Car door closes ]

420
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:26,314
How's it going? Hey.
Great. Lots of people.

421
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:29,085
- — Listen, I was thinking about those signs.
- “Slow down your neighbors.”

422
00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:31,337
Actually, I think they meant “slow down,”
talking to you.

423
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:33,405
Who's talking? “Your
neighbors.” anyway.

424
00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:36,175
Yeah, you think maybe it's possible
that you do drive a little too fast...

425
00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:38,239
In a residential neighborhood
with children present?

426
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:41,204
Oh, Phil, I appreciate your concern,
but I'm not the problem.

427
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,608
It's the crazy sign lady
who can't put a sentence together.

428
00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:45,166
That's your problem.

429
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,301
[Bell ringing]

430
00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,557
[ Panting] Phil?

431
00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:02,309
Honey? Claire?

432
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:05,520
Oh, god. I gotta get some water.

433
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:07,605
I was chasing that crazy maniac.

434
00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:09,316
I got so close.

435
00:19:09,441 --> 00:19:10,942
And you just gave up? Mmm.

436
00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:13,820
That's not the Claire that I know.
Get back out there.

437
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,447
Really? Yeah.

438
00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,675
Phil, I left my phone at the drugstore.
I'll be right back.

439
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,492
Okay, bye. Hey, hi.
I'm Claire Dunphy.

440
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:22,120
I'm Phil's wife. Let's not talk
her ear off. She's gotta go.

441
00:19:22,245 --> 00:19:24,622
I'm Laura. Nice to meet
you. Oh, beautiful house.

442
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:25,706
Thanks.

443
00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:27,625
Hey, are you going
by Greenleaf? Mmm.

444
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:31,588
Actually, yeah. — I just overdid it
on my bike. I cannot get back on there.

445
00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:34,299
No problem. I'll give you a
ride. That's a terrible idea.

446
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:35,842
[ Laura, Claire] Why?

447
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,886
I wish / were one of those people...

448
00:19:37,969 --> 00:19:40,680
Who thrives on the danger
of leading a double life.

449
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:44,434
You know, Bruce Wayne,
Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.

450
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,729
That's a terrible idea,

451
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:50,190
because your bike is here.

452
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:52,817
What are you gonna do?
You leave it? That's rude.

453
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,945
Oh, just pick it up whenever.
Whenever? What's whenever?

454
00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:58,031
That's so open—ended.
Oh, stop it.

455
00:19:58,156 --> 00:20:01,201
Come on, Claire. Let's
fly. I love her energy.

456
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,786
I'm coming.

457
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,709
So, why do you wanna move?

458
00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:12,253
Eh. I want a high-rise
with a doorman.

459
00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:13,630
Mm-hmm.

460
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,965
Besides, this neighborhood's
getting a little crazy.

461
00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:18,635
Oh, tell me about it.
There's this one wackjob.

462
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,846
Don't say another word. I bet I
know exactly who you're thinking of.

463
00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:23,473
[ Engine starts] Yeah.

464
00:20:24,808 --> 00:20:27,268
[ Engine revving]

465
00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:29,604
[ Tires screeching ]

466
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:33,400
- — [Tires squealing]
- [ Engine revving]

467
00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:38,029
Claire was furious.
She said I betrayed her on every level.

468
00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:40,824
So, I called the florist...

469
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:46,079
And I have ordered
one dozen mylar balloons.

470
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:48,623
Good luck staying mad, honey.

471
00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:54,712
Which civilization invented
the alphabet? I don't know.

472
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:57,549
Yes, you do.
We've been over this a hundred times.

473
00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:00,885
Allow me, dad. I'm a great teacher.

474
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:02,887
Who invented the alphabet?

475
00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:05,390
I... don't... know.

476
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:06,641
[ Screams ] Luke!

477
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:09,436
- — I got soaked! What are you doing?
- Say it!

478
00:21:09,519 --> 00:21:11,563
- — Luke, that's enough.
- Oh, my god!

479
00:21:11,646 --> 00:21:14,399
I don't know! I don't know!
The phoenicians! The phoenicians!

480
00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:16,860
That's... right.

481
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,862
Teacher of the year.

482
00:21:21,364 --> 00:21:22,866
She's all yours, buddy.

483
00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:35,920
English - us - psdh