1
00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:04,672
Come on! Let's go.

2
00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:06,859
We're gonna need a little
extra time at airport security,

3
00:00:06,883 --> 00:00:09,177
'cause I'm pretty sure they're
gonna want to pat you down.

4
00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:11,721
Manny's with his father
for the weekend,

5
00:00:11,804 --> 00:00:14,390
so Jay and I
are flying to Vegas.

6
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:17,476
I'm a little torn because
I want alone time with Gloria,

7
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:20,563
but I also like rubbing
Manny's head for good luck.

8
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,899
I just need to send
this e—mail to Claire...

9
00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:25,026
Why I'm not working
on the bake sale next week,

10
00:00:25,109 --> 00:00:27,570
- — but I can't say the real reason.
- Why not?

11
00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:30,781
Because she drive me crazy
when she's in charge of these things.

12
00:00:30,907 --> 00:00:33,659
We got a flight to catch, so
let me help you out here. Okay.

13
00:00:33,743 --> 00:00:37,747
You tell me what you wanna say to her, and
I'll help you find a nice way to say it.

14
00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:40,082
I want to say,

15
00:00:40,166 --> 00:00:41,709
“I can't work on the bake sale...

16
00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:44,212
Because you're a bossy control freak—
[Typing ]

17
00:00:44,295 --> 00:00:49,800
That looks down on my cupcakes, even though
your lemon squares were very dry.”

18
00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,178
[Typing ]

19
00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:55,223
There. Okay? How's this?

20
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:58,100
“Dear Claire,
I can't work the bake sale...

21
00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:00,686
Because you're a bossy
control freak who look down”...

22
00:01:00,770 --> 00:01:02,480
Very funny, Jay.

23
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,565
[ Whoosh/'ng sound] Ay. Ay.

24
00:01:04,649 --> 00:01:08,569
Why the whoosh? Where is—
Where is the e-mail? It sended!

25
00:01:08,653 --> 00:01:11,447
Jay/ make it come back. I don't
know how to make it come back.

26
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:14,116
Now she's gonna read it
and she's gonna think it's from me!

27
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,495
Well, technically, it was from you.
But come on. Let's hit the road.

28
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,790
Itsended!

29
00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:24,460
Please come back.

30
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:27,088
,/' hey, heyj

31
00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:29,215
,/' hey, heyj

32
00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:31,259
,/' hey, heyj

33
00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,261
,/' hey, heyj

34
00:01:33,344 --> 00:01:34,637
j“ hey if

35
00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:39,016
we love our neighborhood.
But sometimes,

36
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,078
the last thing you wanna do
after fighting traffic...

37
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:43,104
Is get back in the car
to go out to eat,

38
00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:46,857
and the only restaurant
within walking distance is shawarma city.

39
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:49,318
Two shawarma combo.
Meat or chicken?

40
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,905
One meat, one chicken. And can
you make the chicken all white meat?

41
00:01:52,989 --> 00:01:55,366
- Number 32. Pay cashier.
- That's not an answer.

42
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:58,369
[Speaking foreign language]

43
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,455
Then, a miracle happened.

44
00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:04,017
The hottest new restaurant in the city
opened up two blocks away.

45
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:06,335
Amelia's.
But there was a problem.

46
00:02:06,419 --> 00:02:09,046
- — They can take us at 5:15.
- What are we, 80?

47
00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:11,382
- Or 10:45.
- What are we, 20?

48
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:14,135
Then, miracle number two.

49
00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:18,931
Turns out one of the mothers at Lily's
preschool is none other than Amelia herself.

50
00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:21,183
So we arranged a playdate
with her son Jackson...

51
00:02:21,267 --> 00:02:23,144
Where we would,
you know, charm Amelia.

52
00:02:23,227 --> 00:02:25,604
Okay. The most
important playdate ever.

53
00:02:25,688 --> 00:02:27,541
So I'm really gonna need you
to sparkle, sweetie.

54
00:02:27,565 --> 00:02:29,293
Oh, I'm gonna sparkle
like it's the fourth of July.

55
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,401
I was talking to Lily. Hmm?

56
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:36,282
It's our parents' anniversary, so we're
surprising them with breakfast in bed.

57
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,701
They're impossible to buy for.

58
00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:41,537
We think.
We've never really tried.

59
00:02:44,290 --> 00:02:45,499
Okay, ready?

60
00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:48,044
One, two, three.

61
00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:49,128
[ Together] Surprise...

62
00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:50,480
[All screaming]
[ Dishes crashing ]

63
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,006
[Phil] No! Oh!

64
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,549
[Claire] No! No!

65
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,176
I'm sorry! Nothing's happening!

66
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:56,427
Oh, my god!

67
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,346
Yeah. Our kids walked in on us.

68
00:02:58,429 --> 00:03:01,349
We were, as they say, having sex.

69
00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:04,518
That's not a euphemism, Phil.
It's exactly what we were doing.

70
00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:06,896
Having sex...
In front of our children.

71
00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:09,648
Well, they weren't there
when we started. No.

72
00:03:09,774 --> 00:03:13,027
In fact, you weren't even
there when we started. [Inhales]

73
00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:15,071
Oh, my god! Oh,
my god! It's okay.

74
00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:18,115
Maybe they didn't see anything.
Sweetie, they screamed.

75
00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:21,702
They dropped a tray of dishes and they
ran out of here like they were on fire.

76
00:03:21,786 --> 00:03:23,412
You were on fire, lady.

77
00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,790
Really? You're still going?

78
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:29,043
Forgive me for thinking your zesty
performance deserves some praise.

79
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:32,922
Phil, our children are downstairs right
now, and they're probably traumatized.

80
00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:35,341
Oh, come on.
I'm sure it's not that bad.

81
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,135
I can still see it!

82
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:39,887
I can't believe that just happened.

83
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,889
What were they
doing? [Alex] Nothing.

84
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:44,308
Whatever it was,
it looked like dad was winning.

85
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,727
“It”! They were doing “it”!

86
00:03:46,811 --> 00:03:49,188
- — He has no idea what you're talking about.
- Sex?

87
00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:50,439
[ Hale yes! Y]

88
00:03:50,523 --> 00:03:52,274
I know what sex is, Alex.

89
00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:55,569
It's when a man and a woman take off
their underpants and then get into the bed.

90
00:03:55,653 --> 00:03:57,988
- — Stop talking!
- [ Groans ]

91
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,992
Try Claire again.
I'm not getting a signal.

92
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:03,786
Relax. We'll get her.

93
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:07,081
Shorty told me
about this restaurant in Vegas.

94
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:10,584
It's got a three—story wine tower
right in the middle of it.

95
00:04:10,668 --> 00:04:14,004
Guy who gets your wine
flies around on a wire.

96
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:15,589
Like the Peter Pan? No.

97
00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:18,426
Not like “the Peter Pan.”
this is a high-end place.

98
00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:21,011
Oh, yeah, because
all the finest restaurants in the world...

99
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:23,222
Have people flying around
on wires.

100
00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:27,393
You know, you used to go bananas when the
Japanese guy flipped a shrimp onto your plate.

101
00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:29,478
- — Now look at you.
- Try her again!

102
00:04:29,562 --> 00:04:31,856
Fine. And just so you know,
it's not like Peter Pan.

103
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:33,649
I mean, nobody
wears tights or anything.

104
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:36,503
Well, if they're not wearing anything,
I don't want them flying over my food.

105
00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:37,987
- [Line rings]
- [ Phil] Hello?

106
00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,239
Phil, it's me.
Can I talk to Claire?

107
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:41,782
Yeah. One second, Jay.

108
00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:43,993
It's your dad.
No. No, no. Can't. Uh-uh.

109
00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:45,578
She doesn't want to talk
right now.

110
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:47,121
Ay, no. Why not?

111
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,331
Uh, she's a little too upset

112
00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:51,792
Phil, put her on.

113
00:04:51,876 --> 00:04:54,336
He says he wants you—
Hang up the phone.

114
00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,464
[ Gasps ] - I'm sorry,
Jay. She says I have to go.

115
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:57,798
[Groaning] [ Beeps ]

116
00:04:57,882 --> 00:05:00,426
You know, she's my daughter
and everything,

117
00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:03,721
but that guy seriously
needs to grow a pair.

118
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:07,558
Well, we tried.
Vegas, here we come.

119
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:10,019
Turn around the car.

120
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,398
Only 'cause I want to.

121
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:24,074
This is a beautiful home.
I love the throwback to the '60s.

122
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:27,119
Although if this was the '605, we'd
be a couple of “confirmed bachelors”...

123
00:05:27,203 --> 00:05:28,662
And Lily would be a yorkie.

124
00:05:28,746 --> 00:05:30,986
[Laughs] And I'd still be
trapped in a loveless marriage.

125
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,917
[ Laughing] Oh, Amelia.

126
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,543
Come on. Oh, you are funny.

127
00:05:34,627 --> 00:05:37,004
[ Cameron ] Oh!

128
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,839
I really like you guys.

129
00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:41,467
I haven't had a lot of time
to meet the other parents.

130
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:45,221
- — Single mom, hectic work schedule—
- Now, what do you do, Amelia?

131
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,097
I own a few restaurants.

132
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:49,058
- — Oh.
- I just opened one nearby.

133
00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:51,727
Oh, my gosh.
Are you that Amelia?

134
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:54,271
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my gosh!

135
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:57,235
We've heard wonderful things about
the restaurant. It must be doing well.

136
00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:59,902
We can never seem
to get a reservation.

137
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:01,862
Can't get in. Can't.

138
00:06:01,946 --> 00:06:04,657
Well, that's no problem.
The next time you call, just tell them...

139
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,534
[ Ringing] Oop. One second.

140
00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:09,328
I'm sorry. Tell
them what? Hello?

141
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,413
Did you show it to him?
And what did he say?

142
00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:15,167
Okay. Hold on a second.
I'm-I'm gonna switch phones.

143
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,103
[Whispering ] I'm sorry.
It's the restaurant. Oh.

144
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:20,923
- — Excuse me just a minute.
- Yeah, you said to tell them something.

145
00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,718
Did you hear that?
When we know what to say, we're in.

146
00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:28,055
Oh, this is very exciting. I've never
had an in at a restaurant before.

147
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:31,117
They'll probably greet us at the door by
our names, show us to our favorite table.

148
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:32,741
Let us play fast and loose
with the menu,

149
00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:36,063
order lunch things for dinner,
dinner things for lunch.

150
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,648
[ Gasps ]

151
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,066
It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

152
00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:40,693
Cameron, stop moving!

153
00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:43,320
[Amelia on speaker] Are you
there? Put him on the phone.

154
00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:45,322
That's the baby monitor.
Should we turn it off?

155
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:50,035
Who am / speaking to?
Well, Mr. Campbell,

156
00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:52,138
you need to replace
the extremely expensive countertop...

157
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,415
That one of your incompetent workers
clearly ruined...

158
00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:56,498
When he was supposed to be
fixing the refrigerator.

159
00:06:56,542 --> 00:07:00,504
See? Okay. This is why she's so successful.
She's tough but calm.

160
00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,756
Because I'm not an idiot!

161
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,675
As is e videnced by my law degree,

162
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:08,053
which / will happily dust off and use
to crush you in court if you don't f/x it,

163
00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:12,182
replace it or send me a check
in the next 72 hours.

164
00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:14,143
You know what? Stay right there.

165
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,603
Don't mo ve. [Hangs up]

166
00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:18,147
- Act like you weren't listening.
- What does that look like?

167
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:19,815
Like this. [Amelia groans]

168
00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:24,111
I'm so sorry. I have to run
down to the restaurant for a minute.

169
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:27,698
I really feel terrible asking,
but would you guys mind?

170
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,968
It's not a problem. We'll watch
the kids. [Cameron ] Oh, yes.

171
00:07:29,992 --> 00:07:33,787
You go take care of that fabulous restaurant
of yours that we cannot wait to try.

172
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,789
And when we do call, Amelia,
you said...

173
00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:40,127
Jackson, mommy will be right back, okay?
Thanks you guys so much.

174
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:42,713
I owe you big—time. Okay.

175
00:07:45,883 --> 00:07:48,802
- — Did you hear that?
- She owes us big-time.

176
00:07:48,886 --> 00:07:50,905
You know, she also has
that restaurant in Las Vegas...

177
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:53,057
Where the sommeliers
fly around on wires.

178
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:57,853
Oh, my gosh. Lily, thank you for being such
a trouper with Mr. Personality over there.

179
00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:00,064
I'm gonna get you a treat.

180
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,816
Oh. Ajuice box broke in here.
It's all wet inside.

181
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:03,901
[ Gasps ]

182
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,695
Will you stop gasping?
It's just a diaper...

183
00:08:06,779 --> 00:08:09,865
[Gas oh! Ps]

184
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,163
Okay. We need a game plan.

185
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,248
We need to rehearse
exactly what we're gonna say,

186
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,310
'cause that is the only way
I'm gonna hold it together...

187
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:23,128
When my babies are looking at me
with judgment and disgust.

188
00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:25,673
First of all, that's how
they always look at us.

189
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,758
Oh, Phil.

190
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,094
Secondly, this isn't
as traumatic as you think.

191
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,179
Honey, I walked in
on my parents having sex once.

192
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:35,683
It was— oh, awful.
I can't even get the image out of my mind.

193
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:38,185
Claire, we're not your parents.
We're in much better shape.

194
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:41,021
Okay. You wanna know
the worst thing?

195
00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:43,465
They didn't even talk about it.
They just let it hang there.

196
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,859
I'm not gonna do that
to our kids.

197
00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:49,863
Phil, this— this is a defining moment
for us as parents.

198
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:52,491
How we handle this
could shape how they feel...

199
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,886
About sex and intimacy
fortherestoftheufives. Honey. Honey.

200
00:08:54,910 --> 00:08:57,454
Oh, god. — this is only a
big deal if we make it a big deal.

201
00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:00,165
We set the tone here.
So let's just play it cool.

202
00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:03,129
Act like it was a big, funny mix-up.
Crack a few jokes, lighten the mood.

203
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:05,337
Jokes? Yeah.

204
00:09:05,421 --> 00:09:07,881
- — What kind ofjokes?
- Well, this is...

205
00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:10,384
I'm just spitballing here, but—
[ Clears throat]

206
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,678
What if I was all,
“knock, knock.”

207
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,698
And they were, like, “who's there?”
and I was all,

208
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,015
“someone who doesn't want to see
their parents doing it.

209
00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:18,559
That's why we knocked.”

210
00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:21,937
[ Chuckles ]
Again, this is— this is very rough.

211
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,731
Why are they still up there?

212
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:26,024
Yeah. How long does sex take?

213
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,152
Oh, my god. Stop talking.

214
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:32,656
Did you guys notice that dad had the same
look on his face as when he smells a new car?

215
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,578
I need to leave.
I need to go to camp.

216
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:39,747
This is gonna be so weird
when they come down.

217
00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:42,207
Let's just go. Okay? Come on.

218
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:45,544
- Wait. But I'm hungry.
- We'll get breakfast.

219
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,005
Let's just go! Come on!

220
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,924
Let's go! Come on!
Where are you going?

221
00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,926
Anywhere. Where is your mother?

222
00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:55,721
I need to talk to her. I don't
think it's a good time right now.

223
00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,055
She won't come out of her room.

224
00:09:57,139 --> 00:10:00,517
She's really upset,
isn't she? Big-time.

225
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,811
How'd you know? We called.

226
00:10:02,895 --> 00:10:04,480
Tell me exactly what she said.

227
00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:06,774
I don't know.
There was just a lot of screaming.

228
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:09,109
Where was your father
when all this was going on?

229
00:10:09,193 --> 00:10:11,069
Oh. He was right behind her.

230
00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:13,030
[Shuddering, groaning]

231
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:16,658
It's not coming out!
It's not coming out!

232
00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:18,577
Blot! Don't rub, blot!

233
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,120
We are beyond
blotting and rubbing.

234
00:10:20,204 --> 00:10:22,748
We've moved on to sweating
and crying. Okay. Let's not panic.

235
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,709
We'll tell Amelia what happened,
and then we'll pay to have it cleaned.

236
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:28,545
What if it can't be cleaned,
Mitchell? Okay, okay.

237
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,255
Then we'll pay for a new rug.

238
00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:31,507
Are you insane?

239
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:35,469
This is a limited edition
alpaca handmade stark rug.

240
00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:38,388
I saw it in architectural digest
it costs $50,000.

241
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,516
It was in Diane Keaton's house.
Oh, my...

242
00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:42,559
Oh, no. It was in—
Oh, what's-her-name's house.

243
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,394
Um, from prizzi's honor.

244
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,898
From, uh—
Oh, she was in Addams family.

245
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,692
Anjelica huston!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

246
00:10:50,776 --> 00:10:52,778
Oh, my god. $50,000?

247
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:55,447
For a rug? Cam, we don't
have that kind of money.

248
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:59,493
Maybe she won't make us pay. I mean, we wouldn't
make someone pay if this happened to us.

249
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:03,872
Did you not hear her on the phone?
“Fix it! Replace it! Write me a check!”

250
00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:06,124
She probably has that
embroidered on a pillow,

251
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:09,086
right next to a jar
of human tears.

252
00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:12,232
Maybe we can turn this around. How?
It looks like someone bled out over here.

253
00:11:12,256 --> 00:11:14,633
No. I mean the rug. Maybe we
can turn the whole rug around.

254
00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:17,678
Put it under the couch. See?
No one would ever know it's there.

255
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:20,806
Well, we would know. Well...

256
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,686
What are you thinking?
You don't wanna know.

257
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:28,522
No, tell me, 'cause I think
I'm thinking the same thing.

258
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,692
I seriously doubt that, because now
I'm thinking it was Joan Collins's house.

259
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:36,280
[ Phil ] Okay. [ Clears throat]

260
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,990
All right.

261
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:41,410
Gloria. What are you— what are you
doing here? Wait. Where are the kids?

262
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:44,246
They just left. They told me
that you were very upset.

263
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,708
Oh, god. And you have
every right to be. It was bad.

264
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:49,126
I know that.

265
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,336
[ Sighs]
Claire, it was an accident.

266
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:52,838
That doesn't make it any better.

267
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,882
Okay, you're right.
I know how you feel.

268
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:57,634
Oh, god. It happened to me
before with another woman.

269
00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:00,262
And that time,
I was the one getting it.

270
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,098
And it hurt. Wow.

271
00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,892
I'm sorry it had to come out like this.

272
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:09,021
But you have to admit that you're only
happy when you're the one cracking the whip.

273
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:11,106
What? Come on.

274
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,983
We all know how you ride Phil.

275
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,944
But maybe if you just let go a little,

276
00:12:16,028 --> 00:12:18,488
maybe even taste my cupcakes,

277
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,240
I will join you.

278
00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:23,577
No. Uh— no. No.
I am so confused right now.

279
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,913
I may pass out.
What are you talking about?

280
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:27,664
What are you talking about?

281
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:31,960
The kids just walked in
on me and Phil in bed.

282
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:36,131
We've just spent the last hour holed up in our
room, trying to figure out what to say to them.

283
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,260
Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

284
00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:43,055
Can I use your computer?
I just need to check one e-mail.

285
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:46,433
Yeah, the kitchen. Gloria, I
just switched us to the next flight.

286
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,310
Did you guys get everything
straightened out?

287
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:52,272
Claire is very upset because the kids
just walk in on them having sex.

288
00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:53,440
Oh, geez.

289
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,275
Now that we're all up to speed...

290
00:12:55,359 --> 00:13:00,489
She's so upset that she hasn't even had time
to apply her makeup or use her computer.

291
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,326
What are you even
doing here, dad?

292
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,971
I don't think you should be the one
doing the questioning here, missy.

293
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:10,624
Don't get mad at her. Your wife's the one
who just offered up her cupcakes.

294
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:11,708
Phil.

295
00:13:17,381 --> 00:13:19,299
Good thing we had
mom's gas card.

296
00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:22,010
Don't make me regret
buying you that lighter, dude.

297
00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:24,680
Put it down.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

298
00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:26,765
Our parents are totally irresponsible.

299
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:30,602
And I'm not just talking about us walking
in on their little freak show earlier.

300
00:13:30,686 --> 00:13:33,981
Just let it go.
No! We're lucky to be alive.

301
00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:38,610
How often do they let Luke
go to school in shorts in the winter?

302
00:13:38,694 --> 00:13:41,405
And they let me ride in the front seat
before I was 60 pounds.

303
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:45,575
And they never shut the gate at the
top of the stairs when we were babies.

304
00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:48,078
Do you know how many times
you fell on your head? Do you?

305
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:51,123
No. We get it. It was bad.

306
00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:52,749
But, you know,

307
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:59,006
I guess it's better than having parents
who fight all the time... maybe.

308
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,550
My friend Jacob's parents
are getting divorced.

309
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:03,927
He has to move out of his house.

310
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:08,306
They told him last week.
That sucks.

311
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:11,309
He'll get used to it. Half of my
friends' parents are divorced.

312
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:14,479
Mine too. Itsinsane.

313
00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:18,483
So it's a good thing
mom and dad still do sex.

314
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:22,612
Better than mom leaving the stove on,
which she's done twice this month.

315
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:25,824
I just realized we haven't even gotten
to the worst part of it yet.

316
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,659
Which is?

317
00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:29,578
They're gonna
want to talk about it.

318
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:32,372
Maybe not.

319
00:14:32,456 --> 00:14:35,167
Are you kidding?
Their parents never talked about anything,

320
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:37,294
so they want to talk about everything.

321
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:41,131
Yeah. They called a family meeting
when we switched to one percent milk.

322
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,235
[ Door closes ] I don't
know where those kids are.

323
00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:48,263
What is more important than putting
a working lock on a bedroom door?

324
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:50,932
You are one to talk.
What is that supposed to mean?

325
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:54,746
You don't remember when I walked in
on you and mom that time?

326
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:56,521
Gloria, could we please go now?

327
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:59,441
Mm—hmm. Mm—hmm. So why don't you
just get off your high horse, dad?

328
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:02,194
At least I am trying to handle this
better than the two of you did.

329
00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:05,072
What did we do? You made
gimlets and went back to your room.

330
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,865
What were we supposed to do?

331
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:09,201
You—you could have talked to me.

332
00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:11,766
You could have made sure that
I was okay. Wanna talk about it?

333
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,497
Yes. Fine!

334
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:17,167
Your mother and I were watching a
particularly racy episode of hart to han'.

335
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:20,087
Oh! Stefanie powers had to
go undercover as a call girl.

336
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,671
Mm-mmm. Dad— hang on.

337
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,507
This whole story makes
more sense— okay.

338
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,592
If you know I got a thing
for thigh-high boots.

339
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,178
Oh, gross. Gross.
You are ruining sex for me.

340
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,471
And boots.

341
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:30,722
Hey.

342
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,559
Working okay for you? Yes.

343
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:37,104
I was sending an e—mail
to my brother in Colombia.

344
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:40,440
- — Oh.
- I was telling him about Claire.

345
00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:44,444
You know, I realized
there's so much I don't know about her.

346
00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:47,989
Like, for example,
what is her favorite word?

347
00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:51,409
Or what was
her first pet's name?

348
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:53,620
Gloria, I'm not an idiot.

349
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,497
Are you trying to get
Claire's password?

350
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,291
[Sighs] Okay, fine.

351
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,168
I sent her something by mistake.

352
00:16:00,252 --> 00:16:03,922
I need to get into Claire's e—mail
to erase it before she sees it.

353
00:16:04,005 --> 00:16:06,508
- — Before I see what?
- Ho/a, Claire.

354
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:09,302
Hi, Gloria. Before I see what?

355
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:11,888
It's so embarrassing.

356
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:14,599
[Sighs] You see, Jay and I...

357
00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:16,977
It's a naked picture of Gloria.

358
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,687
Whoa.

359
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:21,523
Yes. Naked.

360
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,817
- Mmm.
- I was gonna send it to Jay.

361
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,528
You see everything—
The whole body.

362
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,822
I need to sit. Okay.

363
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,740
Wow, dad.

364
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:35,787
So you just got done giving me a lecture on
the importance of locking my bedroom door...

365
00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:41,710
While in my house to retrieve naked pictures
that your wife accidentally sent me.

366
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:45,714
The irony is just occurring
to me. Mmm. Mmm.

367
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:47,257
Wow. What are you doing?

368
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:50,135
- What I'm doing is deleting it.
- [ Phil] Good for you.

369
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:53,221
Let's go to Vegas!
[ Gloria ] Ciao!

370
00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:55,098
Do us a favor. No pictures.

371
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,225
Oh, Gloria. Listen.

372
00:16:57,309 --> 00:17:00,270
We do need to talk about the bake sale
at some point. I have some concerns.

373
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,022
Of course you do. Bye-bye!

374
00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:06,651
[ Sighs] What do we do now?

375
00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:09,255
Okay, I'm really afraid of reading
this situation the wrong way,

376
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:11,448
but I'm 80% sure
you're coming on to me.

377
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:15,535
Okay, now 40.

378
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:17,662
Mitchell, we need
to make a decision.

379
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:21,917
It was the perfect plan.
Turn the rug,

380
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,377
and she wouldn't find
the stain for years.

381
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:27,255
But we couldn't do it.
We're too honest.

382
00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:30,383
There are certain moments
in life that define you,

383
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:32,302
and this is
one of those moments.

384
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,762
[ Footsteps ]

385
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:37,224
[ Sighs ] Guys, I'm so
sorry that took so long.

386
00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:39,684
Oh, my god. What happened here?

387
00:17:41,353 --> 00:17:43,831
Jackson did it. He grabbed Lily's
strawberry juice and started drinking it.

388
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:45,791
[ Mitchell ] Before we could stop
him, it was all over everything.

389
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,275
Oh, my god. Oh, my god!

390
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,212
We are horrible people.
I'm only following your lead.

391
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:51,404
Yeah, so close that you stepped on
the back of my shoe.

392
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:54,133
Come here. Jackson's allergic to
strawberries. His throat will close up.

393
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:56,757
He can go into anaphylactic shock.
I need to inject him right now.

394
00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:59,579
He seems all right to me.
Maybe just get him some fresh air.

395
00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:01,498
Stop talking!
He really hates this,

396
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,417
so I'm gonna need you to help me
pin down his arms and his legs.

397
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:07,879
Jackson, mommy's so sorry to have to do
this, but it's only gonna hurt for a second.

398
00:18:07,963 --> 00:18:09,464
His arms! Oh!

399
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:12,300
Okay. All right, here we go.
One. Two...

400
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:13,969
Wait! Wait!

401
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,989
Jackson didn't drink the juice. I
stepped on Lily's bag. The juice box fell.

402
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,825
We panicked because we heard you on the
phone and we can't afford Joan Collins's rug!

403
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,685
We are so, so sorry.

404
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,270
We could not feel any worse.

405
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:30,151
Oh, no. That's bad.

406
00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:31,945
Number 19!

407
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,948
Yeah. Yeah. Number 19!

408
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,551
Oh, could we have
some napkins, please?

409
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,035
All out of napkins.
Paper towels in bathroom, Mitchell.

410
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:42,205
He knows your name!

411
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,040
[Claire]
And, uh, I'm just gonna say it.

412
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:46,793
I'm really sorry
about what happened.

413
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:49,170
Well, we're not sorry
about what happened.

414
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:53,675
We're sorry that you saw what
happened. Okay. They get that.

415
00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:57,137
Let's see.
No one wants to see their parents...

416
00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:00,015
Sssssss...

417
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:02,976
Your sensuality—
Not dressed— oh.

418
00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:06,229
Basically, it's two adults.
Adults.

419
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:07,981
It's like you're shaking hands—
Mm-hmm.

420
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:10,734
But you're not using
your hands at all.

421
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,111
I can't handle
a big family talk about this.

422
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:14,779
We're not gonna have a choice.

423
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:18,992
When they start talking, just smile and nod
and think about something else.

424
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:21,995
Yeah, it's easy.
Just like at school.

425
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,747
Yeah.

426
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,458
[Claire] So I guess
what I'm saying here is that...

427
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:30,837
As you get older
and explore your sexuality,

428
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:35,342
you will discover that as long as
you are in a committed relationship...

429
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:38,511
With consenting adults, there's really
nothing to be embarrassed about.

430
00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:41,181
And let's face it. Your mom
can't keep her hands off me...

431
00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:43,141
Whenever the gun show
comes to town.

432
00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:45,894
[ Laughing ] Good one, dad.

433
00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:48,938
Humor makes
difficult situations easier.

434
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,441
Wow. Really?

435
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,693
Totally.
You talked to us on our level,

436
00:19:53,777 --> 00:19:55,695
but without being condescending.

437
00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:58,406
We did. All right.

438
00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:00,950
I guess we did. Huh!

439
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:02,660
Yay us!

440
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:05,372
I think we really
handled that well. Me too.

441
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:08,166
You were excellent.
You were pretty good.

442
00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:10,418
Oh!

443
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:13,129
This is such a weird day.
I know it.

444
00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:15,298
By the way, happy anniversary.

445
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,468
It always is. Mmm.

446
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:21,846
Hey, mom, can I get—
Oh, my god! Enough!

447
00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:24,474
[ Groans ]

448
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:32,565
Hey. What's this?
Your anniversary present.

449
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,068
Aw! That's very sweet.

450
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:39,072
My goodness. What is it?

451
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:44,327
A door lock. How embarrassing.

452
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:45,954
Thank you.

453
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:47,789
We'll use it all the time. Mmm.

454
00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:49,552
We thought the lock
was a really good idea.

455
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,295
[Alex]
But the problem is, it makes a noise.

456
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:55,880
[Luke ] A loud noise.

457
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:57,465
[ Lock clicks ]

458
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,760
[ Groans ]

459
00:21:00,844 --> 00:21:03,304
It's hard for me
to look at dad aftennards.

460
00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:10,019
English - us - psdh