1
00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:05,131
It's so unfair!
You told me I could go!

2
00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:08,467
I told you you could go if you got a “b”
on your history exam, which you didn't.

3
00:00:08,593 --> 00:00:13,264
I have a learning disability. The letters
jump around on the page and appear backwards.

4
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:17,351
Honey, we had you tested, like, six times.
Trust me, I was praying for dyslexia.

5
00:00:17,435 --> 00:00:21,439
Oh, my god! Why can't you
ever let me have any f— [ Screams ]

6
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:24,984
Ew, ew! Dad, gross.
Your hand smells like cheese.

7
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:28,529
I didn't want to
dirty a knife. Sit.

8
00:00:28,613 --> 00:00:31,533
Now we all know when Nana dede
comes to visit your mom can get a little...

9
00:00:31,616 --> 00:00:32,742
Psycho? Scary.

10
00:00:32,825 --> 00:00:34,285
- Drunk?
- All true.

11
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,121
Therefore, I need you guys
to be on your best behavior.

12
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,373
Don't worry.
I'll keep to myself.

13
00:00:39,457 --> 00:00:41,017
I have to practice
for my cello recital.

14
00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:42,627
[ Groans ] Oh, fine.

15
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:45,463
You know what? If it keeps you
out of your mom's hair, yes, do that.

16
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:49,550
Luke, if your mom starts to lose it, I need
you to lighten the mood by being extra cute.

17
00:00:49,634 --> 00:00:52,845
No problem. I've got
some stuff prepared.

18
00:00:52,929 --> 00:00:57,433
7” “hey, mom, I' m 'firsty.
Huh? Adorable, right?

19
00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:58,935
Yeah, that's— that's good.

20
00:00:59,018 --> 00:01:01,979
Don't worry. It works
better in my jammies.

21
00:01:02,605 --> 00:01:04,649
,/' hey, heyj

22
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:06,734
,/' hey, heyj

23
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,861
,/' hey, heyj

24
00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:10,738
,/' hey, heyj

25
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:11,989
j“ hey if

26
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:18,305
[ mitchel/j cam, mon/ca can 7 come
to Lily's birthday party this weekend.

27
00:01:18,329 --> 00:01:19,747
Her mom's gonna be in Chicago.

28
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:22,583
Oh, that's fantastic!
What part is she playing?

29
00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:25,127
The city of Chicago.

30
00:01:25,211 --> 00:01:28,381
Oh. Okay, gun to your head.

31
00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,341
Okay. Which pair should I wear?

32
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,261
Oh, gun to my head,
I'd say pull the trigger.

33
00:01:33,344 --> 00:01:35,429
- — What's that supposed to mean?
- No fizbo.

34
00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:39,225
But why? Cam— cam, the
center of attention at Lily's party...

35
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:42,687
Should be Lily,
not fizbo the needy clown.

36
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,272
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Needy?

37
00:01:44,355 --> 00:01:45,940
“Why aren't they laughing,
Mitchell?

38
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:49,023
Why aren't they clapping when I'm
pulling the handkerchief out of my mouth?”

39
00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:52,530
It's 10 feet long with boxer shorts at
the end. It works on so many levels.

40
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:55,658
Yeah. Well, also it's
a Princess theme party.

41
00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:58,494
So, I guess you just don't
respect party themes.

42
00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:01,163
[ Gasps ]
You did not just say that.

43
00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:04,875
- I'm sorry. That was— that was crossing a line.
- Yes, it was.

44
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,628
So, can fizbo come to the party?

45
00:02:07,712 --> 00:02:09,130
No, no.

46
00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:12,049
You are Lily's dad.
Just be there as her dad.

47
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:13,968
Are you implying I'm not
being a good dad now?

48
00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,970
Well, if the shoe fits...

49
00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:18,806
They don't.
They're comically large.

50
00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:22,018
(3) [Theme from jaws ]

51
00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:25,479
Hey, mom, dad and Nana
just pulled in.

52
00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:27,606
$3 [continues]

53
00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:38,284
J'j' [ Faster]

54
00:02:46,459 --> 00:02:48,377
U [ Ends] [ Screams ] oh, wow.

55
00:02:48,461 --> 00:02:49,628
Claire bear.

56
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,589
Oh, my sweet girl.

57
00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:54,175
Gosh. I forget that
ymflewgmwnmx yeah.

58
00:02:54,258 --> 00:02:56,093
You know, in my mind,
you're still 12.

59
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:58,554
But look at us.
Just two old ladies.

60
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:01,640
[ Both chuckle ] Ohh.

61
00:03:02,725 --> 00:03:04,560

etehonm. Oh, good.

62
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:07,355
And we bought Lily
a beautiful birthday gift.

63
00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:10,524
Yeah, I was pushing
for a cashmere throw.

64
00:03:10,608 --> 00:03:13,652
Look, Jay, it's
a talking storybook.

65
00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:15,363
We'll record ourselves
reading it...

66
00:03:15,446 --> 00:03:18,908
And then at night Lily can hear
our voices before she goes to sleep.

67
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,619
Terrible idea. Unlike the
timelessness of cashmere.

68
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,872
Enough with the cashmere.
Why is it a terrible idea?

69
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,124
Don't you remember
the answering machine message?

70
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,544
Hi, you've reached jay—
And Gloria.

71
00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:33,255
Please leave a message
after the...

72
00:03:35,466 --> 00:03:38,886
You didn't say “beep.” if I say beep,
then the people will think it's the beep.

73
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:41,281
No, I think they're gonna know
to wait for the actual beep.

74
00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:42,945
I don't think they'll know.
Just trust me.

75
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,517
Okay, fine.

76
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,354
Hi, you've reached jay—
And Gloria.

77
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:52,358
Please leave a message
after the “beeeeeep.”

78
00:03:52,483 --> 00:03:54,735
What was that?
You told me to make the beep.

79
00:03:54,819 --> 00:03:58,239
No, I didn't tell you to make the
beep. I told you to say the word “beep.”

80
00:03:58,322 --> 00:04:00,950
If I say the word,
then people think it's the beep.

81
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,494
It's not the beep!
Then why even say it?

82
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:04,870
[Beeps]

83
00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:08,874
So, anyways, you'll never
guess who I saw at the airport.

84
00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,376
Mmm, who's that?

85
00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:13,170
Robbie Sullivan.

86
00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:15,214
Robbie— my Robbie Sullivan
from high school?

87
00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,258
God, I haven't seen him in years.

88
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:20,052
Decades, really.
I always liked him.

89
00:04:20,136 --> 00:04:24,181
And, as I recall, the two of you
couldn't keep your hands off each other.

90
00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,766
Oh, really, mom?

91
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:27,476
That's not true.

92
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,103
It is true.
I read it in your diary.

93
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:33,399
You read my diary. Well, yeah.

94
00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:38,821
I— I read it because I wanted
to see if you were on drugs.

95
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:42,116
It's called parenting,
Claire. Mm-hmm.

96
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:43,951
So, mom, what's
going on with Chaz.

97
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:47,121
Okay, buddy, we're gonna need you
on the front lines sooner than expected.

98
00:04:47,246 --> 00:04:49,623
You ready to be cute? Please.

99
00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:51,208
Go get 'em.

100
00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,753
Hi, mommy. My tummy's growling.

101
00:04:54,837 --> 00:04:56,589
Can I have some “pas-ghetti”?

102
00:04:56,672 --> 00:05:00,426
Sweetie, you're hurting me. And take a
shower tonight. Your hair smells like cheese.

103
00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:03,179
[ Doorbell rings] I'll get it.

104
00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:09,226
Okay, I need a giant lollipop,
and I need it now.

105
00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:12,313
Oh, there's my girl. Oh, my god.

106
00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:14,773
Robbie? Look at you.

107
00:05:14,857 --> 00:05:15,983
Surprise!

108
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:19,278
I invited him to dinner. What?

109
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,864
Didn't I tell you
she'd be excited? Huh?

110
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,366
I— uh—huh.
I don't know what to say.

111
00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:26,744
Well, maybe a fuzzy navel
wine cooler will loosen you up.

112
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,329
[ Chuckles ]

113
00:05:28,412 --> 00:05:30,080
Oh. It sure used to.

114
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:34,710
[Phil] Hey, honey, who's this?

115
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:37,338
This is, um, Robbie,

116
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:41,800
my boyfriend from when I was 17
years old, whom my mom invited to dinner.

117
00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:45,095
- — Fasten your seat belts. Phil Dunphy.
- Phil, how do you know Claire?

118
00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:48,182
I know Claire from
being married to Claire.

119
00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:51,852
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, wait a minute, uh...

120
00:05:51,936 --> 00:05:55,147
Mom didn't mention that
I'm married with three kids?

121
00:05:55,231 --> 00:05:58,859
No. All she said was that you
were still trying to figure out your life.

122
00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,110
Really? [Robme] Yeah.

123
00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:01,236
Okay. Mom? Dede?

124
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:04,281
- Aren't we all?
- Uh, no. Not really.

125
00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:06,534
Why would you not mention
that I'm married?

126
00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:11,163
Oh, god, Claire. Not everything
in a conversation is about you.

127
00:06:11,247 --> 00:06:13,999
Mom, I could use some
help in the kitchen.

128
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:17,169
Your words, not mine.
[ Chuckles ]

129
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:21,006
Whoa. You came here in a limo?

130
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:23,509
Yep, that's right, little dude.
Are you rich?

131
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,219
Luke, that's not polite.

132
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:28,597
Maybe Robbie isn't rich, but he needs
a limo because he has a lot of d.U.I.'S.

133
00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:30,182
No, it's nothing like that.

134
00:06:30,266 --> 00:06:33,352
The truth is, little guy, I am rich.
But not with money.

135
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:36,814
I've got my abs,
I've got my hair,

136
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:40,276
and I've got a super sweet job
driving that limo outside.

137
00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:42,278
Cool. It is cool.

138
00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:46,991
Hey, Luke, who's taller,
me or your dad?

139
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,618
Oh, I don't think we need to...

140
00:06:49,702 --> 00:06:52,121
I am just wearing socks, buddy.

141
00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:55,124
I just don't understand why
you invited him to my house.

142
00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:59,086
Because he's an old friend. What
was I gonna do, not invite him?

143
00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:01,005
Yes. Yes. Sweetheart,

144
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:04,675
I don't know about you, but
that is not the way I was raised.

145
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:06,927
You raised me.

146
00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:08,929
You're overthinking this.
Mm-hmm.

147
00:07:09,013 --> 00:07:12,725
I was thinking that it might
be a hoot for you to see him again.

148
00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:16,895
And did you think it might
be a hoot to ask me first?

149
00:07:16,979 --> 00:07:19,690
No. If I'd asked you,
you would have said no.

150
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,444
Of course, mom. Of
course I would have said no.

151
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:26,322
Oh, and I'm the bad guy?

152
00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:29,533
Honestly, Claire, I wish
I had a tape recorder.

153
00:07:33,037 --> 00:07:36,540
“Once upon a time,
there lived a family of bears.

154
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:40,377
There was papa bear”...

155
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:43,297
That's you, Jay.
Ah, okay. Let's see.

156
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:51,680
Do you want me to hold it
and stand in the driveway?

157
00:07:52,765 --> 00:07:54,725
“Holy mackerel,
this is good salmon.”

158
00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:57,936
I feel like they missed
an opportun— shh.

159
00:07:58,020 --> 00:08:00,606
[ Deep voice ] “I don't
want to eat the fish.

160
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:03,108
They are my friends.”

161
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:04,818
What kind of voice is that?

162
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:07,780
I am a bear. A bear? I
was gonna get a crucifix.

163
00:08:07,863 --> 00:08:10,240
“And then the baby bear said”...

164
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,826
“Good night, mama.
Good night, papa.

165
00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:15,954
This has been
the best day ever.”

166
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:21,126
“And after she kissed her parents
good night, she drifted off to sleep.

167
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:23,671
The end.” whoa, whoa, whoa.

168
00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:26,423
She? Baby bear's a girl?
We have to do it over.

169
00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:28,818
- — I would've played it totally different.
- I think you nailed it.

170
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,387
And what's that supposed
to mean? Manny, you're fine.

171
00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:34,139
But, Jay, I need to
tell you something.

172
00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:36,225
It's a bear, Gloria.
I did the best I could.

173
00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:41,188
No. I don't want you to get upset
about this, but I'm not going to the party.

174
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:45,025
What? Yeah. It's because
your ex-wife is going to be there.

175
00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:46,777
And we're never good together.

176
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,613
I'm feeling very nervous.
It's better that I stay here.

177
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:53,242
Wow. I— I don't
know what to say.

178
00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:55,828
Greatest news ever!

179
00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:59,707
So you're okay with this? Well, iwouldn't
say I'm okay with it, but I get it.

180
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:03,228
I feel like I'm in the same boat with your
friend's daughter's first communion coming up.

181
00:09:03,252 --> 00:09:06,463
I always felt like
the husband never liked me.

182
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:10,300
Maybe you're right.
I should probably skip it.

183
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:16,223
Wait, wait, wait. So Robbie
Sullivan's at your house right now?

184
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,016
[ Claire ]
Yes. He is having dinner...

185
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:19,560
With my family.

186
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:23,522
And let me tell you something,
this chick was fat, okay?

187
00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:27,192
Every time he opens his mouth, I can
feel my daughters losing respect for me.

188
00:09:27,276 --> 00:09:28,944
You know, /never liked that guy.

189
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:32,448
He used to always put me in a headlock.
It is amazing the freaks we used to date.

190
00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:34,366
[ British accent]
Hello, governor.

191
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,661
I gotta jump.

192
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,622
[Beeps] Ahthl

193
00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:42,207
let's hear it.

194
00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:45,919
Sir fizbolot, royal courtjester,
at your service.

195
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:51,049
I understand there's a little Princess
who's in need of a jolly good time.

196
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:52,342
No!

197
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:53,761
[Sighs]

198
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,597
Your highness said the clown
doesn't fit the Princess theme,

199
00:09:56,680 --> 00:10:01,310
but me thinks that a
court Jester is right as rain.

200
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:04,122
There goes the theory that an English
accent makes everyone sound smart.

201
00:10:04,146 --> 00:10:07,149
Oh, come on. It's gonna be a
boring party without any entertainment.

202
00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:10,194
I agree. Which is why I hired
a Princess. Cue the gasp.

203
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:14,281
[ Gasps ] How could you
do that? How dare you?

204
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,909
Entertaining and delighting
children is who I am.

205
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:18,744
- — Be a parent.
- But I wanna...

206
00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:20,120
Go. Now. I wanna...

207
00:10:20,204 --> 00:10:21,747
Stop. Uh...

208
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,755
I was thinking about what you said
and maybe I should go to the party.

209
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:30,982
What'd I say?
I didn't say anything.

210
00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:33,050
About Maria Victoria's
first communion.

211
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,929
We cannot let other people make
us miss important family events.

212
00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:42,476
What, I'm gonna miss Alex's graduation, all
of Haley's weddings just because of dede?

213
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,228
I love them.
They're my family too.

214
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,772
Whoa, whoa. Slow down.
You're up to weddings already?

215
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:48,357
How—how about this?

216
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:52,069
Try missing tomorrow and then just—
Just see how that feels.

217
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,531
Ay, Jay, you're so good to me.

218
00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:58,909
That's why I have to go.
You're gonna be there for me,

219
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,371
the same way I'm gonna be there for
you at Maria Victoria's first communion.

220
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:05,791
Wait a minute,
that's back on the table?

221
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:09,545
Well, you know, we didn't want
to break curfew. [ Dede ] Curfew?

222
00:11:09,628 --> 00:11:13,549
Oh, right, as if you two
ever honored a curfew.

223
00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:15,968
I love your stories, Nana.
Keep on going.

224
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:18,178
Your father used to
scare the crap out of me.

225
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,097
Mnrmnm. [Dede] Vveh, erenfly,

226
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:24,518
not enough to keep you from
sneaking in at 3:00 in the morning.

227
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:27,896
I didn't know whether to punish
you or make you pancakes.

228
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:31,567
Hey! [Chuckles] [ Phil] Halli/ya
y through dinner, I told Claire...

229
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,890
That whenever she had the urge
to lash out at her mother,

230
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:36,905
she should just
squeeze my hand instead.

231
00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:39,700
A doctor had to cutoff
my wedding ring.

232
00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:42,911
Claire, you remember that time we
cut school and we went out to the pier...

233
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:46,415
Mm-hmm. And we played
that game and you won the, uh...

234
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:48,542
Giant panda bear.
The panda bear, right.

235
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,335
- Yeah. Yes.
- Yeah.

236
00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:52,421
Do you remember
what we did after that?

237
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,047
Yes.

238
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:56,174
Hey, do you still
like roller coasters?

239
00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:58,385
Not this one.

240
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,762
I know Robbie was a rogue,

241
00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:03,265
but he could charm
your socks off.

242
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,892
Although I doubt
he stopped there.

243
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,144
[ Laughing]

244
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,229
- Wow, mom.
- Mom.

245
00:12:09,313 --> 00:12:11,440
We're all adults here,
honey. Pretty much.

246
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,692
Okay, I think we're— we're done.

247
00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:15,485
Yeah, well, I better get going.

248
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:19,281
I've got an early morning run,
celebrity client. Don't ask me who.

249
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:23,285
Let's just say that if I'm late,
I'll be in “jeopardy.”

250
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:26,747
- Who is Alex trebek?
- Uh, he's a game show host. Why?

251
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,332
No reason.

252
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,251
Yes? Claire.

253
00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:32,836
This was incredible.
Thanks a lot.

254
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:34,641
So great. It was great.
So good to see you.

255
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:37,174
I know. Catching up was
so fun. You look so good.

256
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,468
Hey, you— you take good care.

257
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,219
You take good care now. Yes.

258
00:12:41,303 --> 00:12:43,931
Oh, let's do it. Let's do that.

259
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,308
[ Chuckles ] I'll walk you out.

260
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:48,769
Bye.

261
00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,562
- Really, mom?
- I was young.

262
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,230
I thought he was sexy.
Go to your room.

263
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:53,899
Okay.

264
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:01,823
I did it. She brought all the crazy
in her arsenal and I did not crack.

265
00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,408
I think a bone in my hand did.

266
00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:05,243
Oh, honey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

267
00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:06,787
You know what hurt more? What?

268
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,622
I used to think
your mother loved me.

269
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,749
Apparently, she always
wished you'd married Robbie.

270
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:14,878
Oh, no, sweetie. This was all
about her trying to annoy me.

271
00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:17,506
Come on, she's practically
walking you two down the aisle.

272
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:20,384
Oh, he left his phone.

273
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,302
All those mother's day cards
I sent her.

274
00:13:22,386 --> 00:13:26,473
All those joke e—mails she fonnarded
to me months after I'd already seen 'em.

275
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:28,934
Well, no more polite I.O.L.'S
for you, dede.

276
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,228
[Both] Oh!

277
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,814
Holy cow. Wow.

278
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:36,525
Okay. Well, you were right.
It's not about me.

279
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:38,110
Oh, god.

280
00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:44,116
Really? You are a Princess.

281
00:13:47,119 --> 00:13:49,371
Stop eyeing the Princess.
You're gonna freak her out.

282
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:52,499
I don't know. I think the whole idea
of needing a prince to come along...

283
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:55,836
And make you happy sends the
wrong message, mitchell—! Really do.

284
00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:58,189
Really? And a grown man pulling
boxer shorts out of his mouth doesn't?

285
00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:00,424
Hey.

286
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,967
Hi, hi. Hi, hi.

287
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:03,593
Hi. Hi, sweetie. Hey, phw

288
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,555
Jay. So, where is
she? Where's morn?

289
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,432
Yeah, let's get
the weirdness over with.

290
00:14:08,557 --> 00:14:10,392
I thought she was coming
with you. Oh, no, no.

291
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,977
I haven't seen mom since—
Let's see...

292
00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:14,688
- — Oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night.
- What?

293
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:16,148
Yeah. No, my god.

294
00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:18,525
Yeah, yeah. And then
she took off with him,

295
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,944
didn't come back to the house
until after I was asleep.

296
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:25,282
And then this morning left a cute little note
that said, “having breakfast with Robbie.”

297
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:28,744
What the hell is she doing?
He's half her age.

298
00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:30,328
Don't say it.

299
00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:34,291
I think it's sweet. Love
is beautiful. It has no age.

300
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:36,626
When it's meant to be,
it's meant to be.

301
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:39,004
That is the question.

302
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:40,547
Dad, what's going on over there?

303
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:42,483
She was a little nervous
about your mother being here,

304
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:46,261
so she tried her first Xanax,
washed it down with a shot of Tequila.

305
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:50,307
Ay, look at the Princess.
It's so beautiful.

306
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,768
Really? 'Cause I don't see it.

307
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:54,853
Excuse me.

308
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:57,481
[ Gasps ]
There's the birthday girl.

309
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,567
Glitter?
That'll settle in her lungs.

310
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:03,528
So I wanted to ask what method
of payment you prefer?

311
00:15:03,612 --> 00:15:05,405
Cash, credit card, check?

312
00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:11,036
Why, princesses don't get paid,
except maybe in laughter and sparkles.

313
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,996
That's nice.
But I really need to know.

314
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,374
All I ask is that a little
girl's birthday wishes...

315
00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:17,626
J' come true 9

316
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,437
miss, seriously, if you
wanna get paid, I need...

317
00:15:19,461 --> 00:15:21,564
Fine. You can make the check
out to party stars, incorporated.

318
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,882
Never break character!
Never ever!

319
00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:25,008
But— but nothing!

320
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,260
When I was a clown,
my shoe caught on fire,

321
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:30,555
and one of my fellow clowns put me
out with a bucket of flammable confetti.

322
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,950
- What's happening? — even as
they loaded me into the ambulance,

323
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,643
I continued to make
balloon animals.

324
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,604
Flammable confetti? — there
was a seltzer bottle right there!

325
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,733
Oh, hi.

326
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:44,444
I cannot believe it.
She brought him to the party.

327
00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:46,113
Oh, my god.
I'm gonna kill her. I'm...

328
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:49,116
Stop. No, not— not now. The last
thing I need is some big scene, Claire.

329
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:51,034
You know she's doing this
just to torture me.

330
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:54,158
No. She's doing this to get back at
me because I didn't let her stay with us.

331
00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:55,914
You're both wrong.
It's about me.

332
00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:57,892
I got the young girl,
she had to get the young guy.

333
00:15:57,916 --> 00:15:59,501
Well, she and I are good.

334
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:03,130
We had a long talk last night after
you and I “split” that bottle of wine...

335
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,298
And you “fell asleep”
on the stairs.

336
00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:08,885
I don't know why everybody's
getting so upset about this.

337
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:13,890
Maybe it's about passion,
about what the body wants.

338
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:16,059
What the— what the heart
wants for the heart.

339
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,311
Dad, seriously, can you
deal with cheech and Chong.

340
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,981
Hi, everyone. Jay, Gloria.

341
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:26,236
Ah, buenos dias, dede.
Ll/li amor hello, 4 co'mo estas?

342
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,988
Ah, Gloria, come on.
Let's sit down.

343
00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,949
Hi, mom. Hi. Hello, Mitchell.

344
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:33,869
Thank you for coming.
Oh, you remember Robbie.

345
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:35,745
Yes, I do. Yes. Hi.

346
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:38,790
Oh, that's Lily.

347
00:16:38,874 --> 00:16:42,627
Oh, I guess you're trying to
keep the outfit I sent her clean.

348
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:47,191
So, Robbie, it looks like the years
have been treating you good, huh?

349
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:48,842
Hey. What's up, red? Ohh.

350
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,761
I love this guy. Remember we
used to wrestle around all the time?

351
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:54,055
Please stop. Is my baby
watching? Good to see you, man.

352
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:56,993
I need to— I need to talk to you for a
second. Let me just— whoa, whoa, whoa.

353
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,853
Ask you a little something— what
are you doing with my mother?

354
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:03,607
Hey, I've got a code. What
happens in the limo, stays in the limo.

355
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:06,735
She's my mother! Look, I
know this is all a little freaky,

356
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:10,280
but I had a crush on your
mother back in high school.

357
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,657
And it's always been
kind of a fantasy for me.

358
00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:17,245
Ew! You were dating me and
fantasizing about my mother?

359
00:17:17,329 --> 00:17:19,456
Oh, boy. What?

360
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:23,001
I think we both know what
this is really all about.

361
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:25,128
Uh, no. You still want me.

362
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,214
Oh, my god. Are you insane?

363
00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:31,343
Oh, what's going on here, you
two? You are. You're insane.

364
00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:33,845
Claire still wants me. No.Dont

365
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:36,306
oh, I should've seen
this coming. Oh, really?

366
00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:40,518
One minute she sees I'm happy,
and she swoops in— didn't swoop!

367
00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,997
I didn't swoop! If anybody
swooped, it was you! Claire. Claire.

368
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:45,082
You swooped! Not now. Not
now. Not now. No, stop, please.

369
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:49,069
She accused me of trying to steal
my old boyfriend from her.

370
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:51,238
Okay, fine. But
make it quick. [Sighs]

371
00:17:51,321 --> 00:17:54,157
Why does everything have
to be so hard with you?

372
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:57,577
Why can't you just be
a normal, old grandma?

373
00:17:57,661 --> 00:18:00,163
You come in here—
It's some sort of sick game for you...

374
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,974
To just push people and
push people and push people...

375
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:05,377
And see how far you can push them, until
finally, look at me, you win! You win!

376
00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:08,171
I'm screaming at a
Princess party, mom! Claire.

377
00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:09,649
I'm screaming at a
Princess party. Claire, Claire.

378
00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:11,383
Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire.

379
00:18:11,466 --> 00:18:14,719
Robbie, I think maybe,
you know, you should take off.

380
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,596
Yeah, yeah.
Look, I hear you, Phil.

381
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:22,227
Uh, but between you and me, I'm getting some
serious vibes from the Princess over here,

382
00:18:22,352 --> 00:18:24,020
oh. And I'd kinda
like to play that out.

383
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:26,398
Hey, time to go.

384
00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:28,400
Hey, Mr. P. How ya been?

385
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:32,612
I'm doing good. But I never liked
you in the basement with my daughter,

386
00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,447
and I don't like you here
with my ex.

387
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:39,744
You know, your little intimidation game
may have worked on me when I was a kid,

388
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:44,249
but I'm a full grown man now...
And I think I should go.

389
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,299
So much for keeping it
all about Lily.

390
00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:54,050
Well, yeah, and I
certainly didn't help...

391
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:56,845
By berating that perfectly sweet
journeyman Princess like I did.

392
00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:59,597
God, look at this place.
Everybody's traumatized.

393
00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:03,935
We need somebody to pump some
life back into this party. I got this.

394
00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:07,123
I'll go in and turn on some music, bring out
the cupcakes, pump up the bubble machine.

395
00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:08,565
Or...

396
00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:13,045
Is that a roundabout way of saying a
certain clown can come to the party?

397
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:16,323
I was wrong. Every kid
wants a clown for a dad.

398
00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,867
Oh! You just made
a little girl very happy.

399
00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:20,869
Yes. Well, I can see that.

400
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,669
You okay? I'm fine.

401
00:19:29,753 --> 00:19:31,921
I will be fine.

402
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:35,508
'Cause you know Claire gets stressed
out. That stuff she said out there...

403
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,261
Was all true. Yeah.

404
00:19:39,971 --> 00:19:44,059
I don't know what I was thinking
with him. I feel like such a fool.

405
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:47,812
You got flattered by the attention of a
younger guy and you got a little carried away.

406
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,981
So what? It's not that.

407
00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:54,361
It's— I divorced you because
I was looking for something else.

408
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,696
I haven't found it.

409
00:19:56,780 --> 00:20:00,241
But when I come back here,
I feel like I have to prove something,

410
00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:05,497
like people are looking at me
saying, “you broke up the family.

411
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:07,957
What do you have to show
for it?” you did the right thing.

412
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,835
We were stalled. I didn't
have the guts to end it.

413
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:14,005
That's because
you're a decent man.

414
00:20:14,089 --> 00:20:16,383
And that doesn't
make it any easier.

415
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:19,844
I just don't want to be
thought of as “crazy Nana.”

416
00:20:19,928 --> 00:20:21,971
That's not really who I am.

417
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:28,103
I think, more than anything else,
my real problem is...

418
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:31,564
Hen huh? No, dede!

419
00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,691
[ Gloria ] My! 4 oue' pasa?

420
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:36,444
- — So maybe it isn't about me.
- Or me.

421
00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:38,321
I told you it was about me.

422
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,823
I got Gloria!

423
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,950
I got Gloria!

424
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,122
[ Gloria ]
'54nd then papa bear said ”...

425
00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:49,666
[I Jay]
“Bab y and / are going fishing. ”

426
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,918
This is such a precious gift.

427
00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:54,295
I know. I can't believe my dad
sat down and did this.

428
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:55,755
Keep going.

429
00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:58,174
[ Gloria ] Jay, pay
attention. It's your line.

430
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:01,344
[I Jay] I just had a damn line.
Ll/lann y, freshen this up for me.

431
00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,823
[ Ice cubes clinking ] [ Gloria] No.
No more drinks until we finish this.

432
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:06,391
[ Jay] Who cares?
Cam's just gonna return it anyway.

433
00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:08,518
Cue gasp. [ Gasps ]

434
00:21:14,315 --> 00:21:15,316
English - us - psdh