1
00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:05,131
How many people have ordered
DVDs and haven't paid for them?

2
00:00:05,256 --> 00:00:06,591
(Hake. Uh, yeah.

3
00:00:06,716 --> 00:00:09,719
I could stop by on my way
to school. It's really important.

4
00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:13,264
Um— uh, Cheryl,
can I call you back?

5
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:16,392
Okay. Great. Bye.
Yes, Phil. What?

6
00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:19,163
I was going through your drawer in
the bathroom looking for some lip stuff...

7
00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:20,855
'Cause my— lips were dry.

8
00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:22,982
God, you know me. Phil.

9
00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:26,068
Remember the spa certificates we
got at the children's hospnalaucfion?

10
00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:29,113
Mm-hmm. Well, look at
this. They expire tomorrow.

11
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:31,490
Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

12
00:00:31,574 --> 00:00:34,261
Claire, I don't think you're grasping
the magnitude of this package...

13
00:00:34,285 --> 00:00:36,120
Valued at over $250.

14
00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:38,122
- — Sweetie—
- If you don't use 'em,

15
00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:40,208
then all our money
just goes to charity.

16
00:00:40,333 --> 00:00:45,421
Somewhere between dropping off Alex at
orchestra and picking up Luke from practice,

17
00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:47,798
oh, and burning a bunch of DVDs
of the talent show,

18
00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:50,593
I'm gonna what,
pop in for a quick salt scrub?

19
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,553
I thought Cheryl
was doing the DVDs.

20
00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:55,181
She's supposed to,
but somehow she's got me doing it.

21
00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:58,559
Here's what you do. You
say, “Cheryl, no can do today.

22
00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:01,646
Need a little me time.”
[Laughs] Have you met Cheryl?

23
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:05,566
That'll be my new nickname. I'll be Claire
“me time” Dunphy. It's not worth the headache.

24
00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:08,736
Just say you're sick. Then I'll run
into her and it'll be a whole thing.

25
00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:11,239
If that happens, say you were
on your way to the pharmacy.

26
00:01:11,322 --> 00:01:13,074
Phil, darling, no. Not helping.

27
00:01:13,157 --> 00:01:15,135
Fine. I'll give them
to Florence gunderman at work.

28
00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:18,412
Her hands are gross
ever since she took up the banjo.

29
00:01:18,496 --> 00:01:20,807
Hey, mom, I need some money
for lunch. We're all gonna go...

30
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,060
Oh, my god! Take off my
sweater! Mom, tell her to take it off!

31
00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:24,543
Alex, take it off.

32
00:01:24,669 --> 00:01:27,755
Last week she wore my sweatshirt
without asking. That is true.

33
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:31,509
Oh, please, that was an honor
for your stupid old sweatshirt.

34
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,632
It was the first time
the top half got any exercise.

35
00:01:33,678 --> 00:01:36,931
Now, mom, that's my
favorite sweater. I just got it.

36
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:40,101
You know what you girls need to
learn to do? You need to learn to share.

37
00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,144
Because that's what sisters do.

38
00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:44,605
All right, Haley, nothing's
gonna happen to your sweater.

39
00:01:44,689 --> 00:01:46,649
Right, Alex? Hmm?

40
00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,234
Okay, fine.

41
00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:51,612
Then I will just go put on
your favorite nerdy t-shirt,

42
00:01:51,696 --> 00:01:54,448
the one with the guy
from back to the future on it.

43
00:01:54,532 --> 00:01:58,077
That's Albert Einstein.
And it is not nerdy.

44
00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,037
Well...

45
00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:02,999
[ Door opens ] [Mitchell] Hi.

46
00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:06,002
- Hey, daddy. How was the farmer's market?
- Well, it was great.

47
00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:09,213
- — But guess what the new spinach is.
- Um, radicchio?

48
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:11,716
- Kale.
- No!

49
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,843
I know. I was just
as blown away as you are.

50
00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:18,055
Oh! Well, I guess we're going
to have to adopt— yay...

51
00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,557
A new attitude towards Kale.

52
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,643
Maybe we'll even adopt...
A new vinaigrette.

53
00:02:22,727 --> 00:02:24,186
Adopt. Yay!

54
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:26,314
Okay, what's going on here?

55
00:02:26,397 --> 00:02:29,483
I'm taking the negative charge
out of the word “adopted.” yay.

56
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:30,943
What did Oprah do now?

57
00:02:31,027 --> 00:02:34,822
She had a girl on who at 16
found out that she was adopted,

58
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,991
and felt betrayed and ran
away and became a stripper,

59
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:39,577
and not the heart—of—gold kind,
the by-the-airport kind.

60
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,329
Okay.

61
00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:43,372
All right, go get your gavel,
judge Judy.

62
00:02:43,456 --> 00:02:47,043
No, not at all.
I'm adopting— ah...

63
00:02:47,126 --> 00:02:49,378
A tolerant attitude
toward your flights of lunacy.

64
00:02:49,462 --> 00:02:51,505
Adopting! Yay!

65
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,508
,/' hey, heyj

66
00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:56,635
,/' hey, heyj

67
00:02:56,719 --> 00:02:58,721
,/' hey, heyj

68
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,681
,/' hey, heyj

69
00:03:00,765 --> 00:03:01,932
j“ hey if

70
00:03:04,435 --> 00:03:07,897
Alex, come on. Hurry up. The later
we are, the more Cheryl texts me to do.

71
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:10,232
I'm coming. I'm coming. [Grunts]

72
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:13,527
Tell me again why the violin
just wasn't you. It's too happy.

73
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:15,029
[Cello falls] [ Sweater rips ]

74
00:03:15,154 --> 00:03:17,448
Oh, my god. Okay, hang on.
Hang on. Hang on. Let's see.

75
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:22,036
It might not be a big deal.
Here we go. Let's see. Oh! Okay.

76
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:24,288
Is it bad?
No, it's gonna be fine.

77
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,873
You're gonna be okay.

78
00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,458
Oh, honey.

79
00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:30,002
Hey, I forgot my phone. Hi.

80
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,505
What? Nothing. I love you.

81
00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:36,008
So weird. You better not spill
anything on that. Okay, dork?

82
00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:39,261
Relax. Half the 11th grade's
been inside this sweater.

83
00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:40,781
[ Scoffs ] — [Claire]
More than anything,

84
00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:43,849
I want my girls
to stop fighting and be close.

85
00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:48,521
I want them to share clothes and do
each other's hair and gossip about boys,

86
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,606
like I used to do with Mitchell.

87
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:54,318
Gloria, let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

88
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,946
Hey, Jay, have you noticed
a spring in my step?

89
00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:59,824
Oh, kids say cruel things. That
doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.

90
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:03,786
No. We have something in common.
I'm seeing a younger woman.

91
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:06,269
- — How much younger are we talking about?
- Thirteen months.

92
00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:07,790
Her name's Chloe.

93
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:10,477
- — She makes me feel like a fifth grader again.
- Good for you, kid.

94
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:14,880
Mmm. There they are—
My two dirty old men.

95
00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,882
Hey, pretty soon
you're gonna be north of 40,

96
00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:18,985
and I'm gonna have
to trade you in for a newer model.

97
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:21,929
Am I right, buddy?
That's my mother, Jay.

98
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,597
You ready?

99
00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:26,684
It's such a beautiful day.
Why do we have to do this?

100
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:29,979
Because when this thing is behind us,
we never have to think about it again.

101
00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:31,480
Come on. [ Groans ]

102
00:04:31,564 --> 00:04:33,232
I went to a funeral last Saturday,

103
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:36,336
and it got me thinking about where Gloria
and I were gonna end up after we die.

104
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:40,448
Yeah, it's been a fun week. I don't
like loose ends. So I made a few calls.

105
00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:44,410
I found these people selling a couple of
primo plots in the best cemetery in town.

106
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,412
Not that I'm gonna
go there anytime soon.

107
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,080
Don't be so sure.

108
00:04:48,164 --> 00:04:50,166
With all that bacon
that he eats.

109
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:53,043
Well, I gotta give
my cholesterol pills something to do.

110
00:04:54,879 --> 00:04:57,381
Mmm. Mmm. I don't care
how much they promote it.

111
00:04:57,465 --> 00:05:00,217
Kale is a garnish. It's not
ready to anchor a meal.

112
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,595
Look at this. Oh, my god!

113
00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:05,306
Lily's little hat that we bought
her at the airport in Vietnam.

114
00:05:05,431 --> 00:05:07,868
Remember how cute she looked?
Remember how I used to wear it...

115
00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:10,102
And walk around and act like
I had a giant head? Mm-hmm.

116
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:12,271
That was good acting. Oh!

117
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:15,941
What are you doing? I'm putting together
a scrapbook of how Lily became ours.

118
00:05:16,025 --> 00:05:19,153
Her adoption certificates
and pictures of her from her village,

119
00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:22,364
all out in the open,
so she has nothing to be ashamed of.

120
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:25,659
You leaving that on all day? And
I'm also gonna write a little storybook,

121
00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:28,954
something I can read her at bedtime—
Called “two monkeys and a panda.”

122
00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,040
She's the panda
because she's Asian. Oh.

123
00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:33,709
And we're monkeys because—
I can draw monkeys.

124
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:36,462
Okay. Well, I think
this is a great project,

125
00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,923
and I believe you
are gonna finish it.

126
00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:41,342
Oh, my god! What?

127
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,052
Lily's adoption certificate.

128
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:45,554
Her name is Lily
Tucker pritchett. Right.

129
00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:49,225
Not tucker—hyphen—pritchett
like it's supposed to be.

130
00:05:49,308 --> 00:05:53,145
First name, Lily. Middle name,
Tucker. Last name, pritchett.

131
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:57,024
Well, that can't be right.
This is a legal document.

132
00:05:57,107 --> 00:06:00,152
She only has your last name.
My name's just a middle name.

133
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:03,155
Stay calm. Don't get upset. Nobody
knows anyone's middle name.

134
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,740
Quick. What's my
middle name? Scott.

135
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,536
Of course you know mine. We're a
couple. This is obviously a mistake.

136
00:06:08,619 --> 00:06:10,913
But you're the one
who filled out this papennork.

137
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:14,833
You don't make mistakes like this.
You correct mistakes like this.

138
00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:17,836
[ Gasps ]
You did this on purpose.

139
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,380
What?

140
00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:22,383
You buried my name
so your name could have top billing.

141
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:26,387
No, I am not gonna sit here and listen to
you accuse me of something so horrible.

142
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:28,764
It makes so much sense now...

143
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:31,475
Why you wanted to fill out
all these legal forms.

144
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:34,186
Well, I'm a lawyer.
I fill out all the legal forms...

145
00:06:34,270 --> 00:06:36,897
Ever since you signed up
for a 12-year gym membership.

146
00:06:36,981 --> 00:06:38,983
The more you spend,
the more you save.

147
00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:46,865
All the women at work
were too busy to use the certificates.

148
00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:50,911
So I called the spa and asked them
to extend the expiration date.

149
00:06:50,995 --> 00:06:54,415
But they said no. Really?

150
00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:57,126
Here's something
they didn't count on:

151
00:06:57,209 --> 00:07:00,504
You mess with Phil Dunphy,
the claws come out.

152
00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:06,594
You have very nice hands.
Soft like lady's.

153
00:07:06,677 --> 00:07:10,014
Thank you, Kim.
I appreciate that.

154
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,725
My wife never seems to notice.

155
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,898
This is it. Ta—da!

156
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,525
What is “ta—da”?

157
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,944
I'm just saying this is it. Ta—da.

158
00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:25,654
“Ta—da” is when you do a flip,

159
00:07:25,738 --> 00:07:29,074
or where the magician
cuts the pretty lady in half,

160
00:07:29,158 --> 00:07:32,578
not when you show someone where
you want to shove their dead body.

161
00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:35,956
I'm not gonna argue the
proper use of “ta—da.” this is it.

162
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,500
Seriously? In the file cabinet?

163
00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:41,712
It's called a crypt. And how are
you not getting how great this is?

164
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,672
We're four down
from bugsy Siegel.

165
00:07:43,756 --> 00:07:46,925
No. I'm not going into any wall.
I'm going in the ground.

166
00:07:47,051 --> 00:07:50,846
Sorry. Not me. There's enough not to like
about death without adding dirt and worms.

167
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,848
The whole thing
gives me the willies.

168
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:55,100
You die, you go to the ground.

169
00:07:55,184 --> 00:07:57,478
It's natural.
You go back to the earth.

170
00:07:57,561 --> 00:08:00,648
Here you're just a mushy
bag of bones... [ gasps ]

171
00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,566
Rotting away for all eternity.

172
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,612
Sorry for your loss.

173
00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:09,281
Can we get the hell out of here?

174
00:08:09,365 --> 00:08:11,408
What am I supposed
to tell the guy?

175
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:15,663
Tell them we don't want our bodies inside
these drawers where god cannot find us.

176
00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:19,166
These are not like our drawers at
home. People can find things in these.

177
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:21,627
I'm thinking of getting bangs.

178
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:25,130
Ooh, you totally should.
You would be so cute with bangs.

179
00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:27,925
You have the face for it. I don't.
[Cell phone rings]

180
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,386
Oh, there's my better half.
Kim, would you mind?

181
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,763
[Whispering ] Thank
you. You're welcome.

182
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:36,100
- — Hey, honey, where are you?
- Oh, I'm on my way to downey.

183
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:39,353
Oh. Did you know Karen and
Richard carpenter grew up in downey?

184
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,564
What a random
and not helpful fact, Phil

185
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:45,317
I'm sorry. I'm having
kind of a rough day.

186
00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:47,528
Yeah, I'm kind of having
a rough day myself.

187
00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:49,571
[All laughing]

188
00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:52,032
Look, Phil, I need you
to take care of dinner for me.

189
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:55,369
What's wrong? Alex ripped
Haley's favorite sweater,

190
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,413
and now I'm driving around
from store to store...

191
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:59,599
Trying to find the exact same one
before Haley finds out.

192
00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:02,126
Don't do that.
Just explain to her what happened.

193
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,795
- — Uh—uh. Haley's not gonna understand.
- Sure, she will.

194
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,880
No, Phil, you don't understand.

195
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:09,216
I'm trying to avoid this
turning into a whole big thing.

196
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:12,136
Then just get her something close.
She'll never know the difference.

197
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,431
Phil, could you just take care of
dinner, sweetie? That's all I'm asking.

198
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,891
I'm just saying there's
a simpler way to do this.

199
00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:20,561
There is no simpler way.
Just make dinner. Thank you.

200
00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:23,105
[Line clicks]
Hello? [ Chuckles ]

201
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,943
What?

202
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,320
Mr. Pritchett!

203
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:33,699
We're the rutledges,
the ones selling the spots.

204
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,492
Hi. Hi.

205
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,494
Oh, my gosh. Look, honey.

206
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:38,996
I hadn't heard.

207
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,456
Martin is in.

208
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:44,543
Well, look at that. I'm sorry.
Is that a friend of yours?

209
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,421
We've made a point to get to
know everyone in the neighborhood.

210
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,632
We think it makes it less
awkward, you know, later.

211
00:09:50,716 --> 00:09:52,718
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my wife, Gloria.

212
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,724
I'm ed, and this is my bunk.

213
00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:03,437
And this is my loving wife and
devoted mother of three, winnie.

214
00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:06,732
She'll be here. [Jay] Well, I
don't know what our lineup is yet.

215
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:10,652
But at home I sleep on the
right side, so probably there.

216
00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:15,574
We don't mean to be rude, but you seem
to be much younger than your husband.

217
00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:18,118
You're not rude. I'm very much
younger. Is that a problem?

218
00:10:18,202 --> 00:10:20,329
Well, it's just that
there's a good chance...

219
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:23,290
You'll be moving in
long before she would.

220
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:26,752
Our concern is,
your wife remarries,

221
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:29,254
and she wants to be laid to
rest with her new husband.

222
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:32,257
So she sells this spot
to the highest bidder.

223
00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:34,802
And we're left lying next
to a complete stranger...

224
00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:37,304
Without even so much
as a formal “how do you do?”

225
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,389
Gloria, tell them you're in.

226
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:41,058
I don't know, Jay.

227
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,393
I think they have
a very good point.

228
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,437
And they're not crazy at all.

229
00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:47,439
What do you mean
they have a good point?

230
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,441
I don't think this is going to work.

231
00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:51,944
Good luck getting someone
into your drawers.

232
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,530
[ Knocking ]

233
00:10:57,741 --> 00:11:01,662
It occurs to me that I may
have gotten a little too upset...

234
00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:05,499
And jumped to some conclusions
that were perhaps not true.

235
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,125
I realize now...

236
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:12,381
That you would never intentionally
do something so unthinkable, so...

237
00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:16,093
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry for accusing you.

238
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:19,179
- I did it.
- I knew it. You two-faced...

239
00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:21,723
- Let me explain.
- There— there is no explanation.

240
00:11:21,807 --> 00:11:24,685
There is just no excuse.
I just wanna know why.

241
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:30,023
Okay. You know how some women
say they forget how painful childbirth was?

242
00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:34,611
Well, I-I think that you were forgetting
how panicked you were before we got Lily.

243
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:37,239
- — You were freaking out.
- I was not.

244
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:40,951
So it says that we can put the
mattress at one of three different levels.

245
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:42,995
Which one should we do?
I don't know.

246
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:45,118
Well, just think about
how far down she should be...

247
00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:48,125
I don't know. I can't
do this! [ Screams ]

248
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:53,046
Okay. Oh, this latch
system's great.

249
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:56,008
What did people do before this? I
don't know. Stop asking me questions.

250
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:59,595
Cam— I can't do this. I can't.

251
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,973
Well, I— I don't see
what that has to do with anything.

252
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:06,643
I was scared that it was
just gonna all be too much for you...

253
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,645
And that you were gonna leave,

254
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:11,273
and then I would be the one
taking care of a baby,

255
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:14,985
and half of her last name
would belong to the guy who left us.

256
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,572
It was a mistake. I'm sorry.

257
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:21,134
I wanted to have it changed,
but I needed to get your signature,

258
00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:24,703
and I was afraid that it would start a
big fight and that you would hate me...

259
00:12:30,709 --> 00:12:33,795
Okay, I'm confused. You're saying
that if she tells me she has a problem,

260
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:37,257
I'm not supposed to help her?
Not unless she asks for your help.

261
00:12:37,341 --> 00:12:39,968
But if she lets me help her,
I can make her problem go away.

262
00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:43,180
Oh! That is such a male
thing to say. [Women laugh ]

263
00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:45,807
Mm. Well, forgive
me for being a man.

264
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:48,852
Mango or kiwi? Ooh, kiwi.

265
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:51,772
When you say,
“do this or do that,”

266
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,483
all she's hearing is,
“I'm smarter than you.”

267
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:56,693
Mm. Believe me,
she doesn't think that.

268
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,112
She doesn't want you
to solve her problems.

269
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,114
She just wants you
to give her support...

270
00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:03,116
So that she can solve
her problems herself.

271
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:07,412
Yes, and sometimes— sometimes
she just wants a sympathetic ear.

272
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:10,415
Vvhoa.vvhoa. Oh, yes. Mnpmnm.

273
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:13,335
Maybe it's all the creams,
but that just made sense, girlfriends.

274
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,963
Okay, yeah. So if Claire says,

275
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:17,965
“I hate getting stuck in traffic,”

276
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:21,093
I shouldn't say, “maybe
you should leave earlier.”

277
00:13:21,218 --> 00:13:23,220
No. Or, “don't get
on the freeway.”

278
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,890
I should just say,
“I know. It's so frustrating.”

279
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:29,476
Yes! Really? Yes, that's it.

280
00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:33,522
And if she says, “the waiter
I had today was so rude,”

281
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,774
I shouldn't say, “maybe you
should have just ordered...

282
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,859
No. Something on
the menu for once.”

283
00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:40,612
I should just say,
“what a jerk.”

284
00:13:40,696 --> 00:13:42,114
Yes! Yes!

285
00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,992
And if she says, “Phil,
the TV's driving me crazy,”

286
00:13:45,117 --> 00:13:49,079
I should just say, “I know. There is not
enough quality programming for women.”

287
00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:52,457
No. Turn off the damn
TV. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

288
00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:54,918
Okay, now I'm confused again.

289
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,840
- — So I heard you had a rough time today.
- Yeah, well...

290
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,050
Remember the days when
we thought we'd live forever?

291
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:05,345
Don't you wanna go play?
When do I ever play?

292
00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:08,181
I'm kind of wrestling with this whole
older man, younger woman thing.

293
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,434
It's like Chloe and I grew
up in different worlds.

294
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,687
Today I made a joke about the
wiggles. It went right over her head.

295
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:17,399
I don't know what that is. It's an
expression. It means she didn't get it.

296
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:19,026
[Sighs]

297
00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:22,696
Yeah, sometimes this age thing
knocks you in the head.

298
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:25,323
Is that what this is about?

299
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:28,744
I always knew your mother might remarry
after I'm gone. That never bothered me.

300
00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,413
I figured her husbands
would be your dad, me...

301
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:34,207
And some putz
who could never live up to me.

302
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,251
But what if I'm not
the main guy?

303
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:40,255
What if some other guy is?
What if I'm the putz?

304
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,340
When my mom and dad
got divorced,

305
00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:44,968
do you have any idea how
many guys chased after her?

306
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,137
The phone didn't stop ringing.

307
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,014
Men would stop her
on the street.

308
00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:51,308
Guys would propose to her
from moving cars.

309
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,061
And they were good—looking
guys, Jay, with money.

310
00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:56,746
I think one of them was a Kennedy.
Where are you going with this?

311
00:14:56,772 --> 00:14:59,649
When you showed up,
I didn't think you had a prayer.

312
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,444
You were so nervous and
sweaty, I felt sorry for you.

313
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:04,446
I had to climb
three flights of stairs.

314
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:08,158
- — But of all people, my mom fell for you.
- I've got a few moves.

315
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,577
She said she fell in love with you
during your first fight.

316
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:13,330
What? She said she'd
finally met her match.

317
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,539
Huh.

318
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:18,585
So if you think she's just gonna
replace you when you're gone,

319
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,587
then you are the putz.

320
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:23,006
Thanks, kid. I appreciate that.

321
00:15:24,508 --> 00:15:26,569
I thought you liked me when
I first showed up. Please.

322
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:29,763
For the first month, I didn't
even bother to learn your name.

323
00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:33,683
Is she back yet?
She's on her way.

324
00:15:33,809 --> 00:15:36,728
Did you find it?
I did— at the fifth store I went to.

325
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:40,273
It was in the window, and I had to undress
a mannequin while a creepy guy filmed it,

326
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,357
so we have that to look
forward to on the Internet.

327
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,486
Thank you so much, mom.
You're welcome.

328
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:47,114
Now go put that exactly where
you found the other one, okay?

329
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:48,698
Okay. Mwah.

330
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:50,909
Uh-oh.

331
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:52,953
What?
The security tag, it's still on.

332
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,913
I told those people
to take that off.

333
00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:57,249
Oh, no. She's pulling
into the driveway!

334
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:59,501
Okay, it's fine. It's fine.
Don't panic. I've got it.

335
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,837
She's getting out of the car!
I am doing it.

336
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,190
I've almost got it. Oh, god.
Oh, no. [ Liquid splatters ]

337
00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:06,299
- — What is that?
- Well, it's ink.

338
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,093
[ Screams ] Hide it.

339
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,678
She's in the house!

340
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:12,472
What are you doing with my
sweater? Oh, my god! It's ruined!

341
00:16:12,556 --> 00:16:15,642
- — It was an accident.
- I knew this would happen. You idiot!

342
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,686
Hey, hey.
Let's try to get along.

343
00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,688
I wish she was never even born.

344
00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:22,399
They were trying
to make one with a brain.

345
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,483
Ah! Ah!

346
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:27,654
Honey, you guys
are both... pretty smart.

347
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:31,032
Ah. Sheesh.

348
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,118
It's that sweater, huh?

349
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:34,953
Yeah, it is that sweater.

350
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,747
And I did everything I can
to stop them from fighting.

351
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:41,418
I don't understand why they can't see
how much you love them.

352
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,671
I don't know. Meanwhile, Cheryl
has been calling me all day...

353
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:46,673
Because she's angry
I didn't show up.

354
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:50,886
Doesn't Cheryl have a housekeeper and a
nanny? Why does she need so much help?

355
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,596
I know, right?

356
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,681
You work so hard.

357
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:56,725
You do so much.

358
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:58,560
I do.

359
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,855
Of course you do. I do.

360
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,607
I do.

361
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:08,987
Oh, sweetie, thank you.
I really appreciate that.

362
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,700
Hey yeah?

363
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,493
Who's my gal?

364
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:17,204
I am. Darn right.

365
00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:18,705
Yeah. [ Both kiss ]

366
00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:20,832
[ Chuckles ] Let me get this.

367
00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:25,045
Hey, by the way, do you notice
anything different about me?

368
00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,088
Uh-uh.

369
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,548
Huh.

370
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:30,300
Hmm. What is it?

371
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,718
Nothing.

372
00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:34,012
A haircut. A week ago.

373
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,847
Okay, so tell me.

374
00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:37,682
Forget it. It's not important.

375
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:40,310
Okay. I'll just go start dinner.

376
00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,314
Listen, I've been thinking.

377
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:49,277
When I go, I want you to know...

378
00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:51,404
It's okay if you marry
someone else.

379
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:52,864
I know.

380
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:56,743
Because I want you to
be happy. I'll be happy.

381
00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:58,828
You're driving me crazy
on purpose, right?

382
00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,997
Jay, I'm not going
to marry anyone else.

383
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,917
That's what you say now. But no
one knows what the future holds.

384
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,169
So I want you to have this.

385
00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:08,255
Ay, look at this.

386
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:10,423
An empty coffee can.

387
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,592
Do you know what men
used to buy me?

388
00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:15,428
When I go, toss me in the fire,

389
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:17,931
sweep up my ashes,
stick 'em in that.

390
00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:19,557
Ta—da!

391
00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:22,060
We need to talk about this
“ta—da.” [can hits table]

392
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:27,524
'Cause I don't care if it's in a wall
or if it's in the ground,

393
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,818
just as long
as I end up with you.

394
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:32,028
Aw, Jay.

395
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:37,534
It's perfect. Jay pritchett
sitting on the mantel...

396
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,411
In the old coffee can.

397
00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:42,747
That will drive the putz crazy,
and I like that.

398
00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:45,834
[ Laughing]

399
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:47,419
[ Knocking ]

400
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,380
Hey.

401
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:53,550
Um, so for whatever it's worth,

402
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:57,137
I called the adoption attorney—
Adoption, yay...

403
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:59,306
And on Monday they're
gonna start the process...

404
00:18:59,389 --> 00:19:02,642
Of changing Lily's last name
to Tucker-pritchett.

405
00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:04,352
Great.

406
00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:07,564
Again, I'm— I'm so sorry.

407
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:10,859
Okay.

408
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,779
Um— oh, I, uh...

409
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:18,450
I took a quick pass
at “two monkeys and a panda.”

410
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:20,744
So just let me know what you think.

411
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:24,914
“Once upon a time
there were two monkeys.

412
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:28,793
They loved each other very much,
but there was something missing.”

413
00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:29,919
A hyphen?

414
00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:32,839
“They wanted a baby.

415
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:36,384
And they heard that there was
a very special baby in a faraway land...

416
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:38,136
Who needed a family.

417
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,556
She was a panda named Lily.

418
00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,600
One of the monkeys was scared.

419
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,602
They'd never had a panda before.

420
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,271
But they held Lily in their arms,

421
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:51,441
and the scared monkey
became the brave one.

422
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:55,153
And the two monkeys”—
Coco and miko.

423
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,906
- I'm sorry. What? — coco and
miko are the names of the monkeys.

424
00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:01,201
Really? That doesn't seem
like it's a little...

425
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:05,038
Coco and miko.
I like that. I like that.

426
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,123
Coco and miko. Yeah.

427
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:12,128
“They traveled all the way home
with the perfect panda that they adopted.”

428
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:16,424
Did she just clap?
She heard “adopted” and clapped.

429
00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:18,635
Cam, that's amazing.

430
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,429
Oh, my god. You did that.

431
00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:24,307
Wha— you did that.
That is amazing.

432
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,017
I can't believe that.

433
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:29,562
And just like that,
peace returned to our house.

434
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:33,566
Well, technically,
it's my house, but...

435
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:36,528
M will— I will fix that too.

436
00:20:39,614 --> 00:20:42,409
Once we finished writing the book,
we realized something.

437
00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:44,702
We're not the only two monkeys
with a panda.

438
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:48,123
Gay parents are a huge market,
and no one's writing for them.

439
00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:51,251
We thought we were
sitting on a gold mine.

440
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:52,794
But we weren't.

441
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:56,089
Let's see. Oh.

442
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:58,216
“Gay parenting.” oh.

443
00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,385
“Gay adoptive parenting.” okay.

444
00:21:00,510 --> 00:21:02,762
“Gay adoption foreign children.”
wow.

445
00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:05,140
“Gay adoption Asian children.”
what?

446
00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:07,934
“Bisexual adoption Asian children.”
oh!

447
00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,061
“Transgendered adoption.”

448
00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:12,814
[Sighs]
Okay, come on. Let's go, miko.

449
00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:20,363
English - us - psdh