1
00:00:03,421 --> 00:00:05,256
- [Manny] Morning all.
- Good morning, pap/z

2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,633
hump day. Am I right, Jay?

3
00:00:07,717 --> 00:00:09,677
Your day ends at 2:30.

4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,430
Can't come fast enough.
Quittin' time. Am I right, Jay?

5
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:15,266
Let's not make this a thing.

6
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,019
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this?

7
00:00:18,102 --> 00:00:20,605
- — Where's my soft—boiled egg?
- I scrambled it.

8
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,273
It's good for you
to try new things.

9
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:25,568
I don't want to try new things.
You can't just spring this on me.

10
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:28,362
I have bad news, Manny. This
is not the biggest curveball...

11
00:00:28,446 --> 00:00:30,448
That life is going
to throw at you.

12
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,533
Buddy, don't close yourself
off from new things.

13
00:00:32,617 --> 00:00:34,785
I ever tell you the story
about me and crab cakes?

14
00:00:34,911 --> 00:00:38,706
Thought I didn't like them.
Tried them. Love them. Wow.

15
00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:41,167
Are the movie rights
available for that one?

16
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,337
,/' hey, neyj

17
00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,297
,/' hey, neyj

18
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,466
,/' hey, neyj

19
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,259
,/' hey, neyj

20
00:00:50,343 --> 00:00:51,636
j“ hey if

21
00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:56,140
Dunphy spring classic.

22
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:58,351
Who's gonna do the dishes
for the next week?

23
00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:03,231
Boys versus girls.
Testosterone versus estrogen.

24
00:01:03,314 --> 00:01:06,442
- — Standing up to pee versus
the squat— - Phil, come on!

25
00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:14,408
Swing and a miss.
He's in her head, Luke.

26
00:01:14,492 --> 00:01:16,619
And boys rule and girls drool.

27
00:01:16,702 --> 00:01:19,830
You drool all the time. Mom
had to take you to a specialist.

28
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,208
I'm still growing
into my tongue.

29
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:23,894
Hey, mom, can I go
to the movies with Robin?

30
00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:26,212
No, you may not,
'cause you are still grounded.

31
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,297
Then can I be sent to my room?

32
00:01:28,381 --> 00:01:30,424
No, 'cause we're having
some fun family time.

33
00:01:30,508 --> 00:01:32,927
We're gonna spend this
beautiful afternoon outside...

34
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,346
In the fresh air
getting some exercise, okay?

35
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,847
Pitch it, Phil.

36
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:45,773
- Oh, well.
- That's the game.

37
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,233
What do you mean?
We just started.

38
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:49,110
That was our only ball.

39
00:01:49,193 --> 00:01:52,405
So what? The game's over just because
you're afraid of stupid Mr. Kleezak?

40
00:01:52,488 --> 00:01:54,991
Yep. I'm not going
over there. That was fun.

41
00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:58,244
If Hannibal Lecter and Freddy
krueger had a love child,

42
00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:00,538
he would be afraid
of our next door neighbor.

43
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,665
I don't have a mean thing
to say about anyone,

44
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:05,459
but Mr. Kleezak is...

45
00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:07,211
Not a nice person.

46
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:08,879
Easy, honey.

47
00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,317
[ Mitchell ] Hey, Haley.
Oh, hey, uncle ll/I/z'cne/I.

48
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,051
Hey, is your mom home?

49
00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:16,262
No. She had to take Alex
to the oncologist.

50
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:18,889
- — Oh, my god. What's wrong?
- She needed new glasses.

51
00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:21,642
Oh. Did you mean optometrist?
Whale ver.

52
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,561
So, should I give her a message?
Yes, yes.

53
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,772
Could you ask her if she could
possibly babysit Lily on Saturday night?

54
00:02:26,856 --> 00:02:28,691
We'd really,
really appreciate it.

55
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:31,536
Saturday night we're having dinner
with pepper, longines and crispin.

56
00:02:31,569 --> 00:02:34,989
They're our gay friends.
I think that was clear.

57
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:38,534
I've been spending a lot of time
with a lot of straight people lately,

58
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,953
and, darlin',
I need a night with my homeys.

59
00:02:41,037 --> 00:02:43,164
You mean homos. [ Giggles ]

60
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:45,583
Yeah. You know what? Maybe
you should stay in and babysit.

61
00:02:47,043 --> 00:02:49,837
Yeah, our babysitter bailed,
and we're kind of in a bind so...

62
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,505
I can do it. I can watch Lily.

63
00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:53,591
I'm really good.
I'm babysitting Luke right now.

64
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,969
Oh, yeah? You want—
You want to babysit Lily?

65
00:02:57,053 --> 00:02:58,888
[ Chuckling ]
Oh, that's very sweet, honey.

66
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:01,098
But you're—
You're a very popular girl.

67
00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:02,975
I'm sure you have
better things to do, so...

68
00:03:03,059 --> 00:03:05,853
Seriously. I'm totally free.

69
00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:08,689
Being grounded is so much worse
than it was in the olden days.

70
00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:11,126
My friends text and Facebook
all the fun stuff they're doing...

71
00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:14,236
While I'm stuck at home
playing jenga with my dad.

72
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,489
[Chuckling]

73
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,157
Are you serious?

74
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,410
You don't even have to pay me. I
promise I'll take super good care of her.

75
00:03:21,494 --> 00:03:23,954
Okay. Well, that would
be great. Thank you.

76
00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:26,332
Yes. Well, we'll see you on
Saturday night. Bye, sweetie.

77
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:28,042
[ Beeps ] Bye.

78
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:31,295
Luke?

79
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:33,881
Luke?

80
00:03:35,508 --> 00:03:39,303
What are you thinking? Haley is
a very sweet and fashionable girl,

81
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,514
but seems hardly
a responsible caregiver.

82
00:03:41,639 --> 00:03:45,017
Well, you know what? We needed a sitter.
She's family. I say we give her a shot.

83
00:03:45,101 --> 00:03:47,478
A shot. Oh, with our
only child. Sure, why not?

84
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:51,023
If something goes wrong, we'll just
pop over to the orient, grab another one.

85
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:01,659
What?

86
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,078
My name is Luke Dunphy.
I live next door.

87
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:06,539
What do you want? — I
wanna get our ball from your yard.

88
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:11,794
I don't want you messing
around back there. Just go home.

89
00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:13,421
- — Are you going scuba diving?
- Hmm?

90
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,965
Why do you have that tank?

91
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:19,009
You being smart?
You mean in school?

92
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:20,636
Well, I do okay.

93
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,721
My teacher says
I get distracted.

94
00:04:22,805 --> 00:04:25,641
- — Why do you have that tube in your nose?
- For fun.

95
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,852
Really? Can I try?

96
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:32,231
It's oxygen. — we have that in
our house, but we don't need tanks.

97
00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,692
Oh, for god's sake.
Just get your ball.

98
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,026
Okay.

99
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:37,903
[ Inhales deeply]

100
00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:46,620
Oh, my god.
I was watching the news,

101
00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:49,373
and another flock of birds
fell out of the sky.

102
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:51,542
Dead. What is happening?

103
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:54,211
Sweetie, you gotta stop
watching the news.

104
00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:57,506
That's your big solution?
Embrace ignorance?

105
00:04:57,590 --> 00:05:00,259
What are you two arguing about?
Never mind. I don't wanna know.

106
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,636
- — Oh.
- Be back in a couple hours.

107
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,221
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?

108
00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:06,474
To my friend Walt's house
to watch h/gh noon.

109
00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:08,893
Ooh, I love westerns.
The bloodier the better.

110
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,478
That's my favorite type
of movie.

111
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:13,397
That and anything set against the
backdrop of competitive cheerleading.

112
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:15,774
Is Walt the one
who's always skateboarding?

113
00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:17,860
No. Where would he
put his oxygen tank?

114
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,778
Okay. Now I'm really confused.

115
00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:23,407
[Chuckling ] You sound like Walt.
He gets confused a lot. It's hilarious.

116
00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:25,367
Wait. Are we talking about
Mr. Kleezak?

117
00:05:25,451 --> 00:05:29,914
Yeah. I went over to his house to get
my ball, and we've been hanging out.

118
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,124
You were in Mr. Kleezak's house?

119
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,627
Luke, that is not okay. Why not?

120
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,795
He's really nice. And funny.

121
00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:39,924
Listen to this joke. Okay.
Two crabs walk into a bar...

122
00:05:40,049 --> 00:05:42,235
Phil, this is not good. Honey,
don'tjump to conclusions.

123
00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,762
- Let him finish the joke.
- And one of them has a limp.

124
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:48,098
Uh—huh. You may not go
back to that man's house.

125
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:50,643
- Why not?
- Because he's weird.

126
00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:52,228
And not very nice. Yeah.

127
00:05:52,353 --> 00:05:54,688
That's what you said about
my friend Oliver. Oliver.

128
00:05:54,772 --> 00:05:56,532
The Oliver who almost
burned down our garage?

129
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:59,860
He likes to melt stuff!
Like you're so perfect.

130
00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:02,824
Luke, I'm sorry, but your mother
and I just aren't comfortable with this.

131
00:06:02,905 --> 00:06:06,492
That's so unfair! You don't even know him
'cause you're too afraid to talk to him.

132
00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,202
Buddy, we're just
looking out for you.

133
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:10,955
You never like
any of my friends!

134
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,791
[Sighs]

135
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,085
We're doing the
right thing. Absolutely.

136
00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:19,880
- Aren't we?
- I don't know.

137
00:06:19,964 --> 00:06:22,132
I mean, he makes a point.
We don't know the man.

138
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:25,177
And little kids can be friends
with old people, right?

139
00:06:25,261 --> 00:06:27,096
Of course they can.
There's tons of examples.

140
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:30,140
Up, um, gran tor/no, true grit.

141
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,810
Cartoon, kills himself,
she loses an arm.

142
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,770
- — We've gotta go talk to that guy.
- Now?

143
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,189
Yeah. It's so dark.

144
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,442
Okay. So the numbers
are by the phone.

145
00:06:40,526 --> 00:06:42,546
There's food in the fridge.
I just changed her diaper.

146
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:45,114
So all you need to do is put
her down in about half hour...

147
00:06:45,197 --> 00:06:47,116
And not let a serial killer
in the front door.

148
00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:50,077
- — Well, what if he's cute?
- Well, then save him for us.

149
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,287
[ Laughing]

150
00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:53,247
Nobody in, nobody out. No.

151
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:56,584
Oh, we're gonna be totally
fine. You just go, get your gay on.

152
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:59,295
Oh, it is on like donkey Kong.

153
00:06:59,378 --> 00:07:01,380
Or clearly it's not on yet.
But it will be.

154
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:03,173
So, okay. Come on. Let's go.

155
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:06,719
I'm telling you, kid, this is a
concert you're never gonna forget.

156
00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:08,721
Greatest music in the world.

157
00:07:10,014 --> 00:07:11,473
Wait a minute. What's this?

158
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:14,268
What do you mean?
What are we seeing?

159
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,103
The symphony. The four seasons.

160
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,164
I thought we were seeing
Frankie valli & the 4 seasons.

161
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,566
- No. It's Vivaldi.
- Oh, crap.

162
00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,610
You mean nothing but
instruments? I'm outta here.

163
00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:25,446
- No, you're not out. You're in.
- I hate this kind of music.

164
00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:29,491
Jay, you always do that. Every time we try
something new, your first reaction is always no.

165
00:07:29,575 --> 00:07:31,761
I'm old enough to know
what I like and what I don't like.

166
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,680
- — What about the crab cakes?
- That was a fluke.

167
00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:37,041
And I can't slather that
boring music in tartar sauce.

168
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:41,879
So I have to try new things— like
scrambled eggs— but you don't have to?

169
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,632
You see what you're doing?
You're tearing this family apart!

170
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,801
Take it down a notch. You
two go in, have a great time.

171
00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:49,928
- — I'll see you later.
- What are you going to do?

172
00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:53,307
I'm gonna walk like a man, fast
as I can, to that bar over there.

173
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,018
And if you knew Frankie valli,
you'd be cracking up right now.

174
00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,605
It's okay.

175
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:02,441
[ Chattering ]

176
00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:03,984
John Schneider was the one.

177
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:06,588
John Schneider from Dukes of
Hazzard? That was your first crush?

178
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:09,657
Oh, my god, yes.
Bo Duke. Delicious.

179
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:12,910
He was a redneck who drove a car
called the general Lee...

180
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,870
With a giant
confederate flag on it.

181
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,955
That wasn't a turn off for you?

182
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:19,726
I know he was all kinds of wrong, but
the heart wants what the heart wants.

183
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:22,252
Richard Gere. Oh, my god.

184
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:25,005
I'll be the officer—
Don't be a gentleman.

185
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:28,384
Montgomery clift. Who?

186
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:30,236
Don't do that, crispin.
You're not that young.

187
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:33,097
Anyway, my crush was gay.
At least I had a shot.

188
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,949
You had a shot with Montgomery
clift? How old are you?

189
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,892
[All laughing]

190
00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:40,479
I will cut you like
it was nothing, farm boy.

191
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:42,356
Oh. See, I miss this.

192
00:08:42,481 --> 00:08:44,191
Wait. What about you,
Mitchell? Um, okay.

193
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:46,902
I didn't know it was a crush
because I was only eight at the time.

194
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:50,072
I knew when I was eight.
Everyone knew when you were eight.

195
00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:51,782
Longines, get up.
We're switching seats.

196
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,409
[All laughing]

197
00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,619
Okay. Okay. Back to me.
Back to me. Back to me.

198
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:58,163
So I had just seen
St. elmo's fire.

199
00:08:58,247 --> 00:09:00,708
Oh, Mitchell, look.
It's your father.

200
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,960
[ Pepper]
Oh, that's your father?

201
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:06,171
He's cute. — okay. Can you
please turn it off for one second?

202
00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:07,840
Oh, he's all alone.
Invite him over.

203
00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:09,717
Yeah, that's not something
we're gonna do.

204
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,593
Relax. Your dad
knows you're gay.

205
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:14,722
- — He doesn't know I'm this gay.
- Excuse us?

206
00:09:14,805 --> 00:09:18,016
- — Oh, Mr. Pritchett! Yoo—hoo!
- Jay.Jay.

207
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,870
[ Longines] Oh, he looks like that
dentist you hooked up with in laguna.

208
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,230
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That was in my daddy phase.

209
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:25,399
Yes, please, keep this up.
This is fun for me.

210
00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,234
Fellas, how you doin'? Hey, dad.

211
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,528
[Camemn] Hljay. Heho, daddy.

212
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:33,031
What are you doing here? I'm just getting
a drink while Gloria and Manny see a show.

213
00:09:33,115 --> 00:09:35,343
- — Well, please, join us.
- No, I don't want to intrude.

214
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,512
- — He doesn't want to intrude.
- You are not intruding.

215
00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:39,663
I'm gonna watch the game.
He wants to watch the game.

216
00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:41,957
Oh, sit down. We're up
by 25 with a minute to go.

217
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,501
Uh, maybejust
for a minute. Okay.

218
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:59,308
So what does a guy gotta do to get a
drink around here? Nobody say anything.

219
00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:01,185
[All laughing]

220
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,729
Justin, more booze.

221
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:06,940
Mitchell was just about to tell
us who his first boy crush was.

222
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,067
No, I wasn't. Let me
bring you up to speed.

223
00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:12,404
Crispin's was Joey mcintyre—
Whoever that is.

224
00:10:12,488 --> 00:10:14,531
Longines said John Schneider.

225
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:18,076
- Your name is longines?
- I know. I never stood a chance.

226
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,746
Cam's was Richard Gere.
And I was monty clift.

227
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:23,141
Well, at least yours was gay.
I mean, you might've had a shot.

228
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,958
Thank you!

229
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:27,503
Crispin, up. I'm
sitting next to this one.

230
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,588
[All chuckling]

231
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,173
[ Pepper] Welcome.

232
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:34,885
He's right there. All right.

233
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,685
Mr. Kleezak?
Mr. Kleezak? It's open.

234
00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:46,355
Honey, he's not moving.
Is he okay?

235
00:10:46,438 --> 00:10:50,067
Well, there's only one way
to find out.

236
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,073
[Grunts]

237
00:10:58,408 --> 00:10:59,910
[Whispering ] Mr. Kleezak?

238
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,831
Mr. Kleezak? Okay.

239
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,791
I— I don't know
if he's breathing.

240
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:09,002
Does he have a pulse? Well,
there's only one way to find out.

241
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:11,296
Will you stop pushing me?
You do it.

242
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:14,675
I hate this.
I'm gonna kill Luke.

243
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:19,847
Oh, my god. He's ice cold.

244
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,391
- Hey. — [ Screams ] Oh, my god!

245
00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,768
[ Phil groans]
— [Claire] I'm sorry.

246
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:27,213
- — We thought there was something wrong with you.
- Sorry.

247
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,982
What? We thought there
was something wrong with you.

248
00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:32,776
- Phil.

249
00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:35,737
We haven't, uh, formally met.
Phil Dunphy.

250
00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:39,241
Yeah, I know you. You're the guy who
just broke into my house and fondled me.

251
00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:43,328
No. We were just concerned
that you looked dead. No offense.

252
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,622
What— what—
What are you doing here?

253
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:50,085
Oh, um, our son, Luke, told us that
you invited him over here to watch movies.

254
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:54,423
And I'm sure you could understand
why we would be concerned about that.

255
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,300
- — No.
- Phil.

256
00:11:56,425 --> 00:11:58,427
Y0dmemggem. Honey...

257
00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:00,637
What, are you saying that
I'm some kind of pervert?

258
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,848
No! Probably not.

259
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,808
Look, I didn't ask him
to come over here.

260
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:08,186
I was minding my own business,
like you should be.

261
00:12:08,270 --> 00:12:09,271
Okay.

262
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:12,482
But in all fairness,
our son is our business.

263
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,318
Well, then keep him.

264
00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:19,072
Uh— and keep your daughter
from driving into my garbage cans.

265
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:23,076
And keep your blinds closed when
you're doing your little sexy dance.

266
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,163
Oh, god.
He's seen my sexy dance.

267
00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:34,922
So I'm 12 years old. I'm staying
overnight at my best friend Jim's house.

268
00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:37,883
Neither of us want to go to
sleep. I know where this is going.

269
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:40,385
- — You're better than that, crispin.
- [All chuckling]

270
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,721
So we sneak off to the movies,

271
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:46,350
and we see this little picture
called Solomon and sheba.

272
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:49,269
And sheba was— — [
Together] Gina lollobrigida!

273
00:12:49,353 --> 00:12:52,540
Bingo! And for the rest of my life, I swore
one day I would marry Gina lollobrigida.

274
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:55,400
- — Well, dad, you kinda did.
- I hear that!

275
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:57,194
[All laughing] Mmm.

276
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,820
These are good. What's in 'em?

277
00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:00,614
It's a Margarita
with a shot of absinthe.

278
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,741
Absinthe makes the heart
grow fonder.

279
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,494
Ah, are you making a bad pun
or just lisping?

280
00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:08,914
I can't believe I drove all the
way to the valley to pick you up.

281
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:11,917
Justin, more booze!

282
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,252
Oh!

283
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:17,130
[ Cameron] Hale y!
H/'. Is e veryfh/'ng okay?

284
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:20,634
- Yeah. Why? — because I just saw
a man walk through the living room.

285
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:23,470
What? Where are you?

286
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,514
I can see through the camera
on the computer.

287
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,975
You're spying on me?
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

288
00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:29,810
That is so lame.

289
00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:34,106
Look, I don't know what you think
you saw— maybe the TV or the reflection.

290
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:37,991
Or maybe you think that my body is just shaped
like a boy, like I don't have hips or something.

291
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,278
No, no, no, no.
You have a darling figure.

292
00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:44,199
- — I was just concerned that—
- That hurts so much.

293
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:48,036
This is the kind of thing that I expect
from my mother, but not from my cool uncle.

294
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:52,457
- — So, thank you for all of your trust.
- Okay, um, sorry. Sorry.

295
00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:53,834
[Beeps]

296
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:56,420
[ Sighs ] Unbelievable.

297
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:59,840
You gotta go. Okay.

298
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:04,928
J'j' [all humming, scatting]

299
00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:11,935
Yeah! All right.

300
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:14,021
Thank you.

301
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:16,815
[ Chuckling ] Dad, I've
never seen you sing before.

302
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:19,651
Well, you never saw me in the
shower. And don't anybody go there.

303
00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:24,698
When I was 12 years old, my
father walked into my bedroom...

304
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:29,703
And caught me doing the most
embarrassing thing that a boy can do...

305
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,872
Dancing to Madonna's
“lucky star.”

306
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:36,793
And from that moment on, there's always
been a part of me that I've kept from him.

307
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:39,755
And yet here he was
laughing with my friends.

308
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:44,676
And— I don't know—
Maybe the problem was me.

309
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,803
[All laughing]

310
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:48,472
- Rob lowe! — [ Together] Where?

311
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,183
No. Rob lowe from St. elmo's
fire. That was— that was my crush.

312
00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:54,311
- I loved him. — I get that.
- He's a good-looking kid.

313
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,063
Mm-hmm. Right?

314
00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:58,273
Yeah. Hey, “walk like a man.”

315
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,109
Well, I can sing it, but
I can't do it. [All laugh]

316
00:15:01,193 --> 00:15:04,279
J'j' [vocalizing ]

317
00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:07,240
I think I just pulled something.

318
00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:09,785
Nurse!

319
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:14,498
[ Phone ringing]

320
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:20,796
- Hello? — please tell me
that you have my shoes.

321
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:22,672
Why would / ha ve your shoes?

322
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,859
Because I left them at your
uncles's house last night.

323
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:27,177
What? How could you leave
without your shoes?

324
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,721
I go a lot of places
without shoes.

325
00:15:29,805 --> 00:15:31,723
I'm not wearing shoes right now.

326
00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:35,310
Oh, wait. That's 'cause I left
them at your uncles's house.

327
00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:37,771
This is a disaster!

328
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,648
Maybe they'll think
they're theirs.

329
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:42,359
They're gay.
They know what shoes they own.

330
00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:46,363
Thanks a lot, Walt.

331
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,615
You couldn't be nice to
my parents for two seconds,

332
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:50,617
so now I'm not allowed
to hang out with you.

333
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,787
- — What do you want from me?
- I thought you were my friend.

334
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:56,081
You promised to teach me
how to grow tomatoes.

335
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:58,125
And you were gonna take me
for an egg cream.

336
00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,460
Forget it. You're a little kid.

337
00:16:00,544 --> 00:16:02,712
I don't need the aggravation.

338
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:05,006
Oh. Sorry I “aggravated” you.

339
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:08,135
And just so you know, a lot
of people think I'm adorable.

340
00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:17,769
I can't open this.

341
00:16:17,853 --> 00:16:20,480
Maybe if you had gone
to the concert instead...

342
00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:23,150
- — Could you open it, please?
- I would.

343
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:26,570
But I'm old enough to know that I
don't like opening aspirin bottles.

344
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,697
[Ringing]

345
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,032
- Hello.
- Hey, dad!

346
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,702
How do you guys do it?
I thought cops could drink.

347
00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,453
[ Chuckles ] Listen, I just...

348
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:38,999
I wanted to say, I had such a good time
with you last night, and I wanted to...

349
00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:41,001
Hold on. I got call
wa/t/ng! Yeah.

350
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,752
[Beeps] Yeah?

351
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:46,464
Woof. Not a morning person.
Good to know.

352
00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:50,635
Listen, I'm five away. I hope you like
blueberry scones and dusty Springfield.

353
00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:52,721
Who is this? Pepper, silly.

354
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:56,558
It's gonna be a scorcher in the
desert today, so dress accordingly.

355
00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:58,727
Oh, this is your street.
See you in a minute.

356
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,105
[Beeps] Hdycmp!

357
00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:05,358
That friend of yours, that pepper—
He's on his way over here. Why?

358
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,587
Well, you made a date with him
last night. Don't you remember?

359
00:17:07,611 --> 00:17:09,821
I think I would remember
if I made a date with a guy!

360
00:17:09,905 --> 00:17:12,073
I'm telling you,
I know a guy in palm Springs...

361
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,868
Who has every single
vintage record known to man.

362
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,329
I'm driving out there tomorrow.
Come with me!

363
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:21,249
It's a date! — [ Together] Yay!

364
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:25,086
I was drunk! I'm not going shopping
with Priscilla, queen of the desert.

365
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,881
Okay, dad. Well, I'm feeling
really good about our relationship,

366
00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:30,175
and I wanna hold onto that
for a little while longer.

367
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:33,678
So I'm gonna go ahead and hang up
with you. Give pepper a big kiss for me.

368
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:39,517
Gloria, now listen. I know that you're
upset with me about that concert thing,

369
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:42,145
and rightfully so,
but you have to help me.

370
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:45,857
- What is it? — it seems I made
plans with Mitchell's friend pepper.

371
00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:47,609
That's someone's name? Pepper?

372
00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:50,755
Yes. And that's just the tip of the
iceberg. There's another guy named longines.

373
00:17:50,779 --> 00:17:52,656
But pepper's gonna
be here any second.

374
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:56,076
He's gonna take me to palm
Springs to go shopping for records.

375
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:59,412
Now, when he gets here, can you
pretend there's some kind of an emergency?

376
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:01,039
Can you do that, please?

377
00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:05,252
Ay, Jay. I— I think you have
to take me now to the hospital.

378
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:08,713
My head is in pain.

379
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:10,924
- — Do you mean like that?
- Yes. Thank you.

380
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,801
[ Doorbell rings ]
Okay. It's showtime.

381
00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:15,387
And with this guy,
I mean that literally.

382
00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:18,807
I'm here!

383
00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:22,936
[ Chuckles ] Oh, my god!
What I could do with this house.

384
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:25,563
Hello, Jay.

385
00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:27,148
Chop, chop.
It's a two-hour drive,

386
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,109
not counting our stop
at the outlet mall.

387
00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:31,569
Okay. Uh— Gloria, we're leaving!

388
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:34,948
Hello. You must be pepper.

389
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,408
Ay, ay, ay-my head.

390
00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:38,201
What's the matter, Gloria?

391
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,537
Nothing.
I just had a little ice cream.

392
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,748
- Huh? — he hasn't stopped
talking about you all day long.

393
00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:47,627
- Right.
- Wow. You are stunning.

394
00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,337
How rich are you?

395
00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:51,047
Are you sure
you're all right, Gloria?

396
00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:52,841
I feel great, mi amor.

397
00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:54,926
I am so happy that
he's doing this with you...

398
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:56,930
Because I never get him
to do anything different.

399
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,389
Like the Vivaldi. Hmm.

400
00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:02,183
I think he likes you more
than me. [ Chuckles ]

401
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,852
You two have
a great time together.

402
00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:05,478
All right, but we gotta
be back early,

403
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:08,291
because, you know, I got that work
thing. No, no. I canceled everything.

404
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:11,484
You don't have anything. You
can spend all day long with him.

405
00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:13,903
Wonderful. Well, shall we?

406
00:19:15,947 --> 00:19:17,615
[ Dog barking ]

407
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,868
Oh, my god. Tallulah!

408
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:23,580
Oh! Don't worry. She'll stop
yapping when she gets on your lap.

409
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,042
[ Barking continues]

410
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,588
Alex, honey, come on.
We're gonna be late.

411
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,591
A herd of cows dropped dead
for no reason.

412
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,343
I'm not going anywhere.

413
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,720
Get your affairs in order,
people. This is the end.

414
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:42,182
Don't be ridiculous. There's
nothing out there to be afraid of.

415
00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:43,516
Oh. Hey. Oh.

416
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,684
[ Claire ] Mr. Kleezak.

417
00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:48,021
I'm not used to waking up
with people poking me.

418
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:49,606
I was startled, you know.

419
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,232
We are really sorry about that.

420
00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:54,361
Yeah. Well, these are onions.

421
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:57,614
- From my garden.
- Wow. Thank you so much.

422
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,199
That is so nice.

423
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:02,660
Yeah. Well, don't go throwing
any parades. They're onions.

424
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,621
[Claire] Uh-huh. Okay.

425
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:10,168
I used to be a fireman,
you know.

426
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:11,795
I don't hurt kids.

427
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,591
Sir, would you like to come in?

428
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,887
Just tell the boy that Shane
is on today at 3:00.

429
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,723
He should watch it. Maybe
you could tell him yourself.

430
00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:26,077
He— he's right upstairs. Hang
on. Luke, honey, come on down.

431
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:28,645
Your friend Walt is here.

432
00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:30,730
This is just so sweet. Yeah.

433
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:33,441
Well, just don't start dancing.

434
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:35,068
[Mitchell]
People can surprise you.

435
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:39,447
You get used to thinking of
them one way, stuck in their roles.

436
00:20:39,531 --> 00:20:41,616
They are what the y are.

437
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:43,785
And then they do something
that shows you...

438
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:47,997
There is all this depth and
dimension that you never knew existed

439
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,707
are you talking about Rob lowe?

440
00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,835
I'm just saying
he's a very versatile actor.

441
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:54,546
I think his good looks
have actually held him back.

442
00:20:54,629 --> 00:20:57,006
Well, I can relate to that.

443
00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:02,053
[ Doorbell rings]

444
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:04,097
We need to talk. Haley!

445
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:08,184
I know I freaked out on you last night, but
you have to see it from my point of view.

446
00:21:08,268 --> 00:21:10,019
- — You were totally spying on me.
- I know.

447
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:12,647
You were invading my
first amendment right to privacy.

448
00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:13,815
We were.

449
00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:16,025
I'm sick and tired of people
not trusting me!

450
00:21:16,151 --> 00:21:18,027
I get it.
And especially you guys.

451
00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:21,322
I don't think of you guys as my
uncles. I think of you as my friends.

452
00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:24,242
And if your friends don't believe in
you, then what else do you have?

453
00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:27,245
- — Dylan's shoes.
- Please don't tell my mom.

454
00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:30,373
Buckle up.

455
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:37,881
English - us - psdh