1
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,631
Okay. Okay, here she comes.

2
00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:09,886
[ All ] Happy mother's day! Aah!

3
00:00:09,969 --> 00:00:12,030
- — What are you wearing?
- You don't remember this shirt?

4
00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:15,224
You made it for me for mother's day
in kindergarten. It's adorable.

5
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,895
It's perverted. It looks like you were felt
up by the creepy guy around the corner.

6
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:21,939
Ew! Why him? Because
he's got freakishly tiny hands.

7
00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:24,734
Thank you. I cannot
believe you kept that shirt.

8
00:00:24,817 --> 00:00:26,819
Of course I kept it. I'm your mother.

9
00:00:26,903 --> 00:00:29,030
I keep everything you make me.

10
00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:31,657
Please take that off.
[Claire] Oh, when I'm dead.

11
00:00:31,741 --> 00:00:35,369
Today is my special day,
and I am gonna enjoy me some coffee.

12
00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,371
You know that's a pencil holder, right?

13
00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:38,915
I do now.

14
00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:42,376
- — [Jay] Go first.
- No, you can go first.

15
00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:44,378
- Manny, go first.
- No, Jay, you go first.

16
00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:46,672
Somebody give me a present.

17
00:00:47,590 --> 00:00:50,426
Oh, Jay! A diamond necklace.

18
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,011
[Laughs] Thank you.

19
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:53,763
You deserve it.

20
00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:55,473
Go ahead, kid.

21
00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:58,184
Happy mother's day, mom. Ah!

22
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:03,773
[ Gasps ] A necklace made
of the Froot Loops. I love it.

23
00:01:03,856 --> 00:01:06,859
I know
they're not exactly diamonds, mom.

24
00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:08,819
No, they're beautiful.

25
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:11,664
You know what? I got a confession
to make. Those aren't real diamonds.

26
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,992
No. Give them back.
I'll get you some real ones later.

27
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:17,662
Dang it. Now I got to come clean.

28
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:20,414
Those aren't real Froot Loops.
They're generic.

29
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:25,670
Now I have no presents again.

30
00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:32,093
Good morning!

31
00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:34,887
Hey! Hey, what's this?

32
00:01:34,971 --> 00:01:36,973
Well, I know you've had
some late nights with Lily,

33
00:01:37,056 --> 00:01:39,600
and this is just my way
of saying thank you and I love you.

34
00:01:39,684 --> 00:01:41,185
Oh! Thank you.

35
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:44,313
And this is just the beginning.
Today is your day.

36
00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:46,899
Today? Yeah. All day.

37
00:01:46,983 --> 00:01:50,278
Today? Today's my day?

38
00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:52,547
- — Something's happening.
- It's mother's day, Mitchell.

39
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:53,781
So?

40
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:56,409
You're bringing me
breakfast in bed on mother's day.

41
00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:59,554
This is not a mother's day breakfast.
This is a breakfast that happens to be...

42
00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:01,789
You think of me as Lily's mother.

43
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:04,875
- I'm your wife. I'm a woman.
- What?

44
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:08,337
Honestly, I'm a little offended
that he accused me of that.

45
00:02:08,421 --> 00:02:11,048
I'm actually very sensitive to that issue.

46
00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:15,136
[ Chuckles] Like I would ever treat
my partner as a woman. I...

47
00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:16,762
Somebody got new curtains.

48
00:02:16,846 --> 00:02:18,806
Well, Mrs. Pritchett loves to shop.

49
00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:21,309
Oh! We're never gonna
be done by 6:00.

50
00:02:21,392 --> 00:02:22,977
I better call home.

51
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:26,022
The wife's not gonna like this.
[Laughs]

52
00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:29,692
Sometimes I think
he just wants to be mad at me.

53
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,777
I can't eat.
Okay, you know what?

54
00:02:31,861 --> 00:02:34,947
If you can't accept the nice gesture,
then just forget it.

55
00:02:35,031 --> 00:02:37,950
Okay, scratch the balloons.
She is in a mood.

56
00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:42,455
,/' hey, heyj

57
00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:44,540
,/' hey, heyj

58
00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:46,625
,/' hey, heyj

59
00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:48,627
,/' hey, heyj

60
00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:49,879
j“ hey if

61
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,508
I asked Claire what she wanted
for mother's day,

62
00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:56,552
and she said, “take a hike.”

63
00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,888
[ Chuckling ]
It's not like that.

64
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:01,557
She's just bananas
for walking around in nature.

65
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:05,644
So she and Gloria are taking
the kids up the canyon,

66
00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:10,316
and Jay and I are throwing on the aprons
and preparing a mother's day feast.

67
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:12,068
It s...

68
00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:14,403
It's gonna be fun.

69
00:03:17,323 --> 00:03:19,408
[ Beeps ], /', /' [ 605 soul]

70
00:03:19,492 --> 00:03:21,827
3 I know you wanna leave me 3

71
00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,371
3 but I refuse to— j' [beeps]

72
00:03:23,496 --> 00:03:25,915
W [ 570/98]
we're not doing that.

73
00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,549
[ Luke ]
There are coyotes in these woods.

74
00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:38,344
Did you pack a weapon?
I have a walking stick.

75
00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:42,181
Does it become a sword? I
guess it can become a running stick.

76
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:44,100
You're gonna outrun a coyote?

77
00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:46,352
The fastest mammal in the world.

78
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,479
I'm not sure that's true.

79
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:51,440
And how are you gonna fend 'em off
with a Popsicle stick?

80
00:03:51,524 --> 00:03:54,568
It's a spear,
and it smells like lemon lime,

81
00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:56,404
a flavor coyotes hate.

82
00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:59,407
Where are you getting your
information? How much farther?

83
00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:02,701
I'd like to go far enough that we
can't still see our car in the parking lot.

84
00:04:02,827 --> 00:04:05,121
I'm getting dust in my
mouth. [Alex groans]

85
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,581
You have to
appreciate nature. Yes.

86
00:04:07,665 --> 00:04:09,583
Soon this will be the mall.

87
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,752
I'll come then. I'm hungry.

88
00:04:11,836 --> 00:04:13,754
I say we eat what we kill.

89
00:04:13,838 --> 00:04:16,507
Oh, then I guess
we'll be eating the mood.

90
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,134
I don't get you at all.

91
00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:19,677
I know.

92
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,011
[ Groans ]

93
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:22,847
Oh, is that
the party over there?

94
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,367
I don't know. I'm a woman, remember?
I have a terrible sense of direction.

95
00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:28,436
May I remind you that my big crime
was making you fluffy pancakes.

96
00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:31,105
I'm getting a little sick
of you dwelling on this.

97
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:33,941
It happens to be mother's day,
not martyr's day.

98
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,402
[ Sighs ] Mitchell, I'm sorry.

99
00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:39,447
It's just a sensitive issue for me.
Okay.

100
00:04:39,572 --> 00:04:43,033
There's nothing gays hate more than
when people— [ Both ] Treat us like women.

101
00:04:43,117 --> 00:04:46,120
We're not. We don't want
to go to your baby shower.

102
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,122
We don't have a time of the month.

103
00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:50,541
We don't love pink.
You love pink.

104
00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:53,419
No, pink loves me. Okay, well...

105
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,421
- — Hey, guys!
- Hey!

106
00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:58,591
That's Jen, husband Rick, baby
Diego. I don't get it either. So?

107
00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:01,385
Hey, Jen, let me
help you with that. Ah.

108
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:04,472
Rick, how you doing?

109
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,974
We should do play group
on weekends more often.

110
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,643
It's nice to have
the husbands around to help, right?

111
00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:12,539
Oh, yeah, because that makes all the
sense in the world— you as the husband.

112
00:05:12,563 --> 00:05:15,441
That's not what she meant. Look
at us. I could snap you like a twig.

113
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,544
Every once in a while,
you say that thing about the twig,

114
00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:19,570
and I need you to know
that it bothers me. Sorry.

115
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,364
Okay, everybody.
Happy mother's day.

116
00:05:22,448 --> 00:05:24,033
I know I speak for all the guys...

117
00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:27,495
When I say thank you for everything you do
while we're off having affairs.

118
00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:30,080
- [All laughing]
- I'm kidding. I'll pay for that later.

119
00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:32,583
Let's get the moms and kids
together for a picture.

120
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,728
Let's get out of here. Leave
the stroller and run. Cam, stop.

121
00:05:34,752 --> 00:05:37,671
No one's going to ask you to—
[Jen] Cameron, get on up here!

122
00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:39,673
I don't know.
You guys just go ahead there.

123
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:42,801
You're an honorary mom. Come
on. [ Cameron ] I don't know.

124
00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:46,347
Okay, all right. Unhand
me. Get over there.

125
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:51,227
[Jen] Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, tighten up. Tighten up.

126
00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:53,812
Up here, ladies.
[ Camera beeps ]

127
00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:55,564
Beautiful. One more, gals.

128
00:05:55,648 --> 00:05:58,359
[Beeps] Oh, thanks, ladies.
Thankssornuch. Pefiect

129
00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,444
[ Jen ] Great. Okay.

130
00:06:02,238 --> 00:06:06,242
Yeah, that was definitely poison oak.
I think this rash is spreading.

131
00:06:06,325 --> 00:06:09,119
Ay, Manny, that's not a rash.
It's red because you scratch it.

132
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,205
I just don't want my throat to close.

133
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,957
Wouldn't be the worst thing.

134
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,833
I'm so bored, I'd rather be reading.

135
00:06:14,959 --> 00:06:17,938
I'm so bored, I chewed the last bug that
erw in my mouth just to feel something.

136
00:06:17,962 --> 00:06:19,880
I'm so bored, I'm talking to you.

137
00:06:19,964 --> 00:06:21,298
[ Grunts ] Okay.

138
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:24,593
For the last 20 minutes,
all you people have done is whine.

139
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:27,678
You would think on mother's day, at
least, you would have something nice...

140
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,265
[Luke] Shh! What?

141
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:33,143
Thought I heard a coyote.
Go ahead.

142
00:06:34,270 --> 00:06:35,896
[Alex ]
God, Luke, you're such an idiot.

143
00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:38,065
At least I don't look
like an idiot.

144
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:40,150
What does that mean? Your hat.

145
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,611
It looks like you walked under
a bird that poops ugly hats.

146
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:45,281
Can we watch the language?
There's nothing else to watch.

147
00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:46,907
Enough complaining!

148
00:06:46,991 --> 00:06:50,578
You can't bitch all day because
you're not at the beach all day!

149
00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:52,121
Come on.

150
00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:56,083
No.no, no. I— I'm giving
myself a mother's day present.

151
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,876
Kids, your hike is over.

152
00:06:58,002 --> 00:06:59,211
Yes! Yeah! All right!

153
00:06:59,295 --> 00:07:01,589
No. No, not happy. Bad.

154
00:07:01,672 --> 00:07:03,090
Hmm. Sad.

155
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,360
Gloria and I are gonna go finish
this beautiful hike together...

156
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:10,389
While you sit here and think about
how selfish and thoughtless you've been.

157
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:11,640
Come on.

158
00:07:11,724 --> 00:07:14,018
If we're thoughtless,
how can we think?

159
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,440
You just lost your water.

160
00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:21,567
Let's go.

161
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,749
- — What the hell are those?
- Onion goggles.

162
00:07:36,832 --> 00:07:41,003
No more tears when I cook. Welcome
to the 21st century. You should get a pair.

163
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:43,088
I was gonna suggest
the same thing.

164
00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:45,215
Hey, Jay, you know
what we should put in this?

165
00:07:45,341 --> 00:07:48,177
We should add a—
No. It's my mom's recipe.

166
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:51,930
Whatever it says on the page goes
in the pot. Nothing more, nothing less.

167
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:55,851
Now, how long do I stir the beef
and sausages? Read it to me.

168
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,538
[As Julia child] “We should stir the
beef and sausages for five minutes.”

169
00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:01,565
And how much longer do I have to
listen to the Julia child impression?

170
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,567
For as long as it's still funny.

171
00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:06,070
I think the timer
just went off on that.

172
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,238
That was unnecessary.

173
00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:12,159
[ Normal voice]
What's this? What?

174
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:16,622
Hey, Jay, maybe after this,
we should make the perfect mom.

175
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:20,167
All we need is a tablespoon of love,
one cup of warmth.

176
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:23,379
Add one heart, softened. What
the hell are you talking about?

177
00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:28,258
This recipe for the perfect mom,
by Jay Francis pritchett, age nine.

178
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,762
Geez, I forgot all about that.

179
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,932
I didn't know she had it in there.

180
00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:37,643
What's that, Francis? Nothing.

181
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:40,312
How much longer
on the meat? Ohh.

182
00:08:40,396 --> 00:08:44,274
I love this part about “serves
one small boy.” it's adorable.

183
00:08:45,818 --> 00:08:49,446
Wow. A hundred
and seventy five pounds of tenderness.

184
00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:52,241
She must have loved that. Big woman?

185
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,285
Jay?

186
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:58,247
And that's when I saw it.

187
00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,832
Jay?

188
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,334
Are...

189
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:05,963
Are you crying? No. It's the
onions, damn it. Give me these.

190
00:09:08,841 --> 00:09:11,885
What are you looking at?
Nothing.

191
00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:14,388
Those really frame your face.

192
00:09:15,848 --> 00:09:17,474
[Spoon tapping pot]

193
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:23,731
[ Claire ] Oh! Wow! Beautiful.

194
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,607
Ay, thank you.

195
00:09:25,691 --> 00:09:27,276
[ Sucks teeth ]

196
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:31,739
Okay, I don't want you to judge me,
but I have to say something.

197
00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:34,283
Sometimes I wanna punch my kids.

198
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:36,410
'Youdontrneanthat no, ldo.Ldo.

199
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,513
The last time they were horrible
the way they were today,

200
00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:40,456
they happened to be all lined up,

201
00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:43,417
and I couldn't help but think
if! Hitjust one of 'em,

202
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,502
the rest would go down
like dominoes.

203
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:46,712
Geez. I know.

204
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,235
That would Rob me of the pleasure...

205
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,090
Of hitting each one individually, but...

206
00:09:50,174 --> 00:09:53,093
Oh, my god. You don't talk
about your children this way.

207
00:09:53,177 --> 00:09:55,387
Oh, come on.
You know Manny irritates you.

208
00:09:55,471 --> 00:09:59,558
No. Manny is the best thing that ever
happened to me. We have a special bond.

209
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:02,686
Yes. Bonds. I know. But that's
not what I'm talking about now.

210
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:06,148
Claire, for a long time,
it was only the two of us.

211
00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:08,358
I cannot say anything bad
about that boy.

212
00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:09,860
Give me a break.

213
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,905
Gloria, anybody
who's ever had a kid knows...

214
00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:15,783
That they can irritate the freaking life
out of you at some point.

215
00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:17,951
Am I right?

216
00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:20,287
Oh. Okay.

217
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:23,916
He's persnickety.

218
00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:26,001
What? Manny.

219
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,712
He's persnickety.
It drives me up the wall.

220
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:30,506
Okay. Persnickety. Good start.

221
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:32,633
And he follows me around
all the time. Mm-hmm.

222
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:35,385
Sometimes I love it,
but sometimes I need my own space.

223
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:38,555
This does not make you a bad mother
to admit these things...

224
00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,766
And the poetry— it's not very good.

225
00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:42,935
Ha. First time that
I say that out loud.

226
00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:44,478
Okay. [Laughs]

227
00:10:44,603 --> 00:10:46,814
It's not very good! Wow.

228
00:10:46,897 --> 00:10:48,232
[ Both laugh ]

229
00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:49,775
I love Manny. Right.

230
00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,110
But sometimes I— just be a boy.

231
00:10:52,236 --> 00:10:55,906
Oh— go outside. Kick
a ball. Steal something.

232
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,617
[ Screams ] It feels so good.

233
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,244
Yeah. [Laughmg]

234
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,954
[ Manny] Maybe to you.

235
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,541
No, Manny. [Ayl

236
00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:10,587
I was talking about another Manny
that I know long time ago.

237
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,005
D/ab/o.

238
00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:13,882
Manny!

239
00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:18,887
You know, more people have died hiking
than in the entire civil war.

240
00:11:18,971 --> 00:11:20,973
Okay, what book
did you read that in?

241
00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:24,017
Book? Wake up and smell
the Internet, grandma.

242
00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:26,520
You know mom's just gonna
want us to apologize.

243
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:29,189
Well, we did kind of ruin
her mother's day.

244
00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:31,441
No. She ruined her mother's day.

245
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,694
She took us to a place
she knew we wouldn't like,

246
00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,446
and then we complained for, like,
a second and we're the bad guys?

247
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:40,284
That's a good point. You ever get
the feeling she does this intentionally?

248
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,995
- — Why would she do that?
- So she can make us feel guilty.

249
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,415
Exactly. And the next time we're choosing
what to do, she gets her way again.

250
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:48,083
And the next time and the next time,

251
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:50,210
and eventually
it's mother's day every day.

252
00:11:50,294 --> 00:11:52,045
Wow. Mom's really smart.

253
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,214
Well, not smarter than me. Well...

254
00:11:54,298 --> 00:11:56,550
I say we don't apologize this time.

255
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,552
Let her know
we're onto her little game.

256
00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:01,054
We could change the way
this whole family operates.

257
00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:03,557
Okay, so nobody says
they're sorry. Got it?

258
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,642
Keep your mouth shut
when she comes back.

259
00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:08,061
If she comes back.

260
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:11,523
Jay teared up in front of me.

261
00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:15,360
He'd never shown me that kind of
vulnerability, and it embarrassed him.

262
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,530
I'd shamed the proud lion.

263
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:20,657
Only thing to do...

264
00:12:22,326 --> 00:12:24,328
Hug the proud lion.

265
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,834
Oh, / could get bit.

266
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,253
I could get scratched

267
00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:36,715
but you know what's inside every lion?
A pussycat

268
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,384
I need you to get
awayfiomrne yeah.

269
00:12:42,638 --> 00:12:45,974
Okay, I'm just gonna
say this one time so we can move on.

270
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,393
It's okay. Gotcha.

271
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,647
You know what “it” is?

272
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,649
It's you crying. Which I didn't.

273
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:56,610
You teared up.
It was the onions.

274
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,320
Okay. Okay.

275
00:12:58,403 --> 00:13:01,365
Maybe, um— maybe I'm just
putting myself in your place.

276
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:05,953
But if I came across something from my
childhood and it reminded me of my mom,

277
00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:10,165
I might get a little misty,
maybe even wanna talk about it.

278
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:11,750
Here.

279
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,598
So proud.

280
00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:29,101
They offered me a bouquet, Mitchell.

281
00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:30,769
Which you accepted.

282
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:33,271
Why can't you ever take my side?

283
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,315
They think of me as a woman.

284
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:37,776
Cam, no.
We're just a new type of family.

285
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:40,821
They don't have
the right vocabulary for us yet.

286
00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,906
They need one of us
to be the mom.

287
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,283
So why does it have to be me?
Do I wear a dress?

288
00:13:45,409 --> 00:13:47,202
Well— that's a nightshirt.

289
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:48,787
It's kind of satiny.

290
00:13:48,912 --> 00:13:51,289
What are you saying?
Come on, you know.

291
00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:53,834
No. No, no. No, no. I don't know.

292
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:56,878
All right,
if I'm thinking about it...

293
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:59,673
Of the two of us, if I had to pick,

294
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:03,093
I—I might say
that you're slightly mom-er.

295
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:07,222
Excuse me. Can you throw that ball?

296
00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:09,266
- — Can I throw a ball?
- [ Laughs]

297
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,852
You don't— you don't think
I can throw a ball? Cam...

298
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,478
No, no. That's not what he said.

299
00:14:13,562 --> 00:14:17,107
Apparently, this gentleman
doesn't think I can throw a ball.

300
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:20,420
Well, that's not what he said. — you don't
think I can throw a ball? Well, let's find out.

301
00:14:20,444 --> 00:14:21,862
[Grunts]

302
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:24,406
- — [ Grunting]
- [ Mitchell] Oh, god, he looks old.

303
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:27,117
Oh! Oh, sorry! Cam— hands.

304
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,577
Sorry!

305
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,162
There you go.

306
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:35,792
Ay, Manny, I didn't mean any of it.

307
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,627
Please, forgive me.

308
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:40,297
I don't think I can.
Let's just get in the Van.

309
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,341
Oh. Sorry for the rhyme.
I know how you hate my poetry.

310
00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:45,218
Please, stop my suffering.

311
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:47,262
Say something terrible about me...

312
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,556
So that we can be even
like a Steven.

313
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,808
Why would I say something terrible
to someone I love?

314
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:54,102
I curse my tongue!

315
00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:55,979
I'm gonna intervene here.

316
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:58,315
Manny, let's talk
about what really happened.

317
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,650
Your mom said you should go out
and throw a ball around.

318
00:15:00,776 --> 00:15:03,236
No. That can't be the
first time you've heard that.

319
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,655
But there was some hurtful stuff
said about my poetry.

320
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:07,574
Which your mom regrets.

321
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:09,034
I do.

322
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:11,161
So, that's what parents are for.

323
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:14,706
Sometimes they criticize
because it helps make you stronger.

324
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,918
Kids these days get—get trophies
just for showing up.

325
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:21,463
What's that gonna lead to? A
bunch of 30—year—olds living at home.

326
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,882
Manny, your mother
loves you very much.

327
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:27,260
She's a human being.
So she let off a little steam.

328
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:30,972
Honestly, it's probably a great thing
for your relationship.

329
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:32,641
I guess I can— stop.

330
00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:35,769
He needs to know the real truth.

331
00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,146
Manny, Claire was feeling bad...

332
00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:40,941
Because she wants
to hit her own children.

333
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:45,946
So I tried to make her feel better
by inventing terrible things about you.

334
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,406
You mean, you don't have
a problem with my poetry?

335
00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:53,078
No. The only problem that I have
is that I never have enough of it.

336
00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:56,206
Mm. Mm. You're the
perfect kid in every way.

337
00:15:57,374 --> 00:16:00,877
A y, mi amor.
Wow. That's healthy.

338
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:02,671
[Alex ] Good.
You're back. Uh-huh.

339
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:05,674
Are we done? Unless you
have something to say...

340
00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:08,009
To the person who gave you life
on her special day.

341
00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:09,386
No.

342
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:10,971
I'm good.

343
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,307
How about my baby Luke?

344
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,309
Uh...

345
00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:17,727
No.

346
00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:22,065
Hey. [ Mitchell ] Hey.

347
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,149
Here.

348
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:25,861
What's this?
It's a mother's day card.

349
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:27,863
And I know— stop it. Okay...

350
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:30,157
Cam, that was...
Gloria's card from Manny.

351
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,326
But I just wanted you to see what
its definition for “mother” was on it.

352
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:36,746
” “ It's “warm, nurturing,”
“supportive.” I...

353
00:16:36,872 --> 00:16:39,332
Maybe when the world
sees you— not just the world.

354
00:16:39,416 --> 00:16:41,418
Fine. Fine. Me too.

355
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,503
But maybe this is what we're seeing,

356
00:16:43,587 --> 00:16:46,339
and I don't know
why that's such a bad thing.

357
00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:50,135
It certainly doesn't make you
less of a man. Right?

358
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,262
Maybe you're right. Yeah.

359
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:53,889
Come on. Let's join the party.

360
00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:56,075
And, cam, put down the scotch.
You're not fooling anyone.

361
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,976
It is so burn—y. My god.

362
00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:01,855
[Jay]
Come on, people! Everybody to the table!

363
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,064
[Sighs]

364
00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:06,359
[Video game blips]

365
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:10,822
It's just hard, you know,
having your mother's day ruined.

366
00:17:10,906 --> 00:17:13,450
[Sighs]

367
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:16,203
I never thought it would be you, Lucas.

368
00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:17,787
[ Sniffles ]

369
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,753
Don't even think about it.
But she's sad.

370
00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,254
Sad she's losing.

371
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:29,090
She just hit you with her best shot.
We need to stay strong.

372
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,717
But I feel— don't feel.

373
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,969
Just go splash water on your face
and man up.

374
00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:40,310
We're your mother now.

375
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:45,148
How was your day with my dad?

376
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,816
Awkward, actually.

377
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,985
He, um— he cried a little.

378
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,737
My dad? Shh.

379
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:51,947
Dad what? He cried.

380
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,031
I didn't say he cried.

381
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:54,574
Who cried? My dad. Stop.

382
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:58,161
Why would you make Jay sob
like that? I didn't make him sob.

383
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:02,332
He teared up when I found this
poem he wrote for his mom as a boy.

384
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,541
[ Togeth aw! Er]

385
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:06,461
What is “aw”? Phil saw dad cry.

386
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,505
Jay misses his mama.

387
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:11,341
Everybody stop.
Is anybody hungry?

388
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:16,304
- What?
- You cried for your mommy.

389
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,890
Oh, crap. I did not.
Yes. Phil just told...

390
00:18:18,974 --> 00:18:20,850
No, that's not true. She's a liar.

391
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,644
What's wrong with you?

392
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:24,646
I know you would all be so happy...

393
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:29,067
If you thought I had some big emotional
moment about my mom, but I didn't.

394
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:32,404
- — So you don't miss your mom?
- Of course I do. She was a great lady.

395
00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:37,284
And she also left me a fantastic recipe
for sauce, which now is getting cold.

396
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,619
So can we please eat? Let's eat.

397
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,288
Hear! Hear! Just grab some wine.

398
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:44,374
Oh, my gosh. Smell that.

399
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:47,252
It smells like grandma's house.
Hey, you guys remember that?

400
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:50,588
- — I remember the first time I cut spaghetti.
- “Eh-eh.”

401
00:18:50,672 --> 00:18:52,090
And that's what she did. “Eh-eh.”

402
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,342
“You can't cut spaghetti.”
she taught me to twirl.

403
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,220
[Oh, she's the one. I
Jay] Yeah, she was tough.

404
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,984
I remember! Had this little league
coach, and one time after a game,

405
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:02,851
he was laying into me about
something— I don't remember.

406
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:05,496
But mom comes charging out of the
stands. She goes right up to the guy.

407
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,564
Face—to—face. Nose to nose.

408
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,358
And she says to him,
“let me tell you something. Nobody,

409
00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:13,653
and I mean nobody yells at my little...

410
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,239
[Sobs] Boy.”

411
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,658
Oh, my god.
It's happening again.

412
00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:20,827
It's okay, Jay. Let it out. Let it out.

413
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,537
You only get one mom.

414
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,748
I'm sorry, mom.

415
00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:27,417
Me too.

416
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,545
Bottle of red. Bottle of— what?

417
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:32,964
[ Phil sighs]

418
00:19:33,048 --> 00:19:35,592
Oh, yeah. And I'm the weak one?

419
00:19:37,761 --> 00:19:38,970
Mitchell?

420
00:19:39,054 --> 00:19:40,472
I'm good.

421
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:01,242
[Beeps] [All groan]

422
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:03,661
Phil, come on. Oh, honey.
[ Kids groan ]

423
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,413
- Oh. I'm sorry.
- Get off of me.

424
00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:06,915
[Phil] I'm sorry.

425
00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:10,794
[ Lily crying ]

426
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,880
Da—da.
I think she's calling you.

427
00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:16,549
Don't even try.
I have that pottery class in the morning.

428
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:18,760
[ Crying continues ]

429
00:20:19,928 --> 00:20:21,638
Jay, let's go to bed.
I'll be right up.

430
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,223
Okay.

431
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:29,562
[Sniffs]

432
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,941
Son of a bitch.

433
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:38,822
English - us - psdh